All language subtitles for sirens.2014.S02E07.Let.Pythons.Be.Pythons.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-QUEENS.Eng

- As we rode out
into another Chicago morning,

we didn't know what to expect.

We knew not what to expect.

We had no idea
what awaited us.

- Brian,
what the hell you doing, buddy?

- Just found out my phone has
this really cool

recording app and was like,

"hello, I obviously need to
dictate my memoirs."

- Oh, obviously.

- So, um, no spoilers,

but you're both heavily featured
in my book.

- Great.

- Everyone,
Brian is writing his memoirs.

So be careful what you say
and do in front of him.

You could end up
in a best seller.

- [Laughing]

- Good for you, Brian.

Stats here.
I've been writing a book too.

It's an erotic space fantasy

about a brainy woman astronaut
who's lost in space,

and she finds herself
on a planet inhabited

by handsome male aliens.

- I'm listening.

- It's really cool.

The planet has three moons.

- I don't want to be locked
into the moon thing yet.

- You got to keep the moons.

That's my favorite part, stats.

- Sex in zero gravity,
that's my favorite part.

- Oh, think about it, bro.
Sex in zero gravity would suck.

There's no torque.
There's no friction.

It's all about torque
and friction.

- Right, good point.

- Chicago north, ambulance
needed, car accident,

corner of Grobowski
and Kernin.

Vehicle spun out into firehouse.

- That's Engine 17.

My dad used to work
at that house.

- Ambulance 14 responding.

- "Ambulance 14 responding."

How many times have you heard
that phrase?

But this time,
it was personal.

Johnny, driving as quick
as he could--

- Brian, knock it off.
- I'm sorry.

- Right now.
- Sorry, okay, okay.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[Cell phone ringing]

- Hey, babe.

No way.
I love you more.

[Chuckles]

What's up?
Yeah, anything.

Oh, uh...

I don't know about that.

Uh, yeah, babe, yeah.

Okay.

I'll ask her right now.
Okay.

- Hey, um, t,
can we pick up Maeve real quick?

- Why, she finally decided
to turn herself in?

- Oh, my god,
what'd she do?

- Nothing, Billy.

- Oh, she just really needs
a ride across town,

and her car's in the shop.

- Billy, as police officers
on duty,

do you think we should be
picking Maeve

and driving her around
as though we're her own

private taxi service?

Is that something you think
we should be doing?

- No, but could you tell her
that?

It's not that I'm frightened
of her,

it's just that I'm afraid of her
sometimes.

- Listen close, Maeve,

there's no way in hell
that we are giving you a ride.

I mean, do you honestly think
that I'm gonna waste

taxpayers' hard-earned dollars
hauling your ass around town?

- There's a sample sale
at Evangelina Nessick's

in 15 minutes.

- See you there in five.

[Tires screeches,
alarm whoops]

- She's kind of hard
to say "no" to, right?

Where we headed, t?
- Sample sale.

Here's the deal,

we're gonna haul ass over there,

I'm gonna find the perfect pair
of skinny jeans,

and if we get a call,

then we'll dump Maeve on her ass
on a curb somewhere.

It's a win-win.
- All right, all right.

We about to get so many samples.

What's a sample sale?

[Siren wailing]

- Where is everyone?
- Got to be out on a call.

Holy shit.

- Ooh, Jesus Christ.
- Is it bad?

Oh, wow.
Oh, jeez.

- Shit.

Shit. Shit.
[Woman whimpering]

Okay, let's just keep calm.
Keep calm.

- Keep calm?
You keep calm.

Are you in pain, miss?

- Not really...

Except for the huge frickin'
python around my neck.

- Okay, noticed that.
- Well, we're here to help.

Okay, so it's just a start--
but, oh, it looked at me.

It looked at me--it looked me
directly in the eyes.

Brian, call animal control.

- On it.
Oh, wow.

- What's your name, miss?
- Cindy.

- Hi, Cindy.
I'm Hank. This is Johnny.

- Hi.

- Now, Cindy,
the first thing we have to do

is get that snake--

- it's a python.
- Great.

- Get that python off your neck.

Our colleague Brian is calling
animal control.

- Eight years, bro.
It's my first python.

Where's animal control?
- I'm on hold.

- [Screams]
It's getting tighter!

- We got to try something.
- Okay, yeah.

Why don't you honk the horn?
Maybe that'll scare it off.

- What?
You want me to honk the horn?

- Yeah.

- You said that
like you weren't sure.

- No, I mean, yeah.
Yeah, honk the horn.

She should honk the horn, right?

Right?
- Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

- Okay.

[Horn honks]

[Whimpers]
It's getting tighter!

- Okay, no more horn.

- Cindy, does the python have
a name?

- Lord Byron.

- That's a fancy name
for a snake.

- Yeah, it looks more
like a Paul.

- Listen, I didn't name it.

My pretentious douche bag
ex-boyfriend did.

Dickwad left me for that whore,
Trish,

so I took his favorite thing,

a huge snake.

It's ironic,
because his penis is tiny.

It's just so tiny!
- Hmm.

- It's a tiny penis.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Um, how did the snake get around
your neck?

- It must have escaped
from its cage in the backseat.

- We're dealing with a highly
intelligent snake here, guys.

- Okay, I'm gonna try something.

Here, lord Byron.
Come on, snakey snake.

[Whistles]
Here, buddy.

Come on, little fella. Huh.
[Whistles] Huh!

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

- It's not a dog.
It doesn't have ears, does it?

- I don't know.
I don't see any.

- I think they hear
through vibrations.

- What the hell are we gonna do
with that information, Brian?

Get a step team out here?
Where's animal control?

- They said they were slammed.
- Did you tell them we're

dealing with a giant,
frickin' snake?

- I did, but the woman on
the phone kept yelling at me

about budget cuts,
like it was my fault.

Maybe she was going through some
other stuff, I don't know.

Anyway, I'm not so positive

they're gonna be out here
anytime soon.

- This is what happens
when you cut public services.

- Cindy, we're gonna have
to call your boyfriend.

- Ex.
- Okay, whatever he is.

Where's your phone?

- In my purse
in the backseat.

- I got it.

- Be careful.

- Oh, holy cow!
Ah, I touched its tail.

It feels like a ghost
went through me.

- Okay, what's his name?
- Scott.

- Okay.
- Oh.

But his name in my phone
is shit head.

- Right.

It's gonna be fine.

Hey, is it--

no, no, it's not Cindy.
I'm an EMT.

Cindy was involved
in a car accident,

but she's fine.

- He ask how I was?
- Yeah, I have your snake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
if anybody's a psycho,

it's the person who bought
that huge frickin' thing

in the first place.
That's not a house pet, bro.

I don't care if you bought it
when you were high.

Everybody buys something weird
when they're high.

- Tell him if he gets back
together with me,

I'll give him back his snake.

- Cindy, no.

He left you for
that tramp Trish.

He doesn't deserve you.
- And he has a tiny penis.

- All good points.

- Say it.

- Cindy says that if you get
back together with her,

she will give you
Lord Byron back.

Cool name, by the way.

Right.

He says he's with Trish now,
and you're crazy.

- Will you tell him he's a--

- no, I'm not getting
in the middle of this.

You have a snake
wrapped around your neck.

- Priorities, Cindy.
- Come on, Scott.

Be a human being here.

Is there anything
you can tell me

that might help us out?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, really?

Well, you know what?
Screw you, pal.

Have fun with Trish.
Asshole.

- He's such an asshole, right?

[Sniffles]

- Cindy, uh, just gonna--

will you give us a second?

- Be right here.
- Okay.

How are we gonna get that snake
off her neck

if animal control
doesn't show up?

- As we contemplated
what to do with the snake,

I could see that Hank
was formulating a plan.

- Plan, what plan?

- I thought if I dictated it,
it would come true,

like a "if you build it,
they will come" scenario.

- Why don't you make yourself
a hero of your own story

and go in there
and get the snake?

- I prefer to be the omnipotent
narrator.

- It's omniscient, bro.
- How do you know that?

- My ninth grade English teacher
was really hot.

- Brian, go see if you can find
anyone in the firehouse.

If they're napping
or some shit, wake them up.

- See, that's a plan.
The dictation worked.

- Oh, you know what?
- What?

I might have something.

Hey, Cindy,

um, can you do me a favor?

Can you open your trunk?

Can you reach it?

- Shh.

[Click, thunk]

- Thank you.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, here we go.

- What are you gonna do
with that, club it?

- No, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna poke it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, we got to do something.

Hey, Cindy, um...

I am going to poke the python.

- Okay.

[Gasps]

I think it's getting looser.

- Oh, I think it's working.

- Yeah, yeah, more.

- Okay.
Yeah, there we go.

Yeah.
- I think it's loosening up.

[Both yelling, muttering]

- Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.

Oh, Jesus.
Oh, it ran right at me!

The snake ran right at me.
I jumped over it.

- Did you see where it went?
- It was going towards a rig.

Ah, what if it slides
in there

and touches my stuff?

- Either way,
there's no way in hell

we're going in that firehouse.

- Or the rig.

- Chicago north,
ambulance needed--

- hey, hey, how you feeling?

- 14, you in the vicinity?

- We are dealing with a python
situation at the firehouse.

We can't go anywhere.

- If that's a metaphor,
I'm jealous.

- Unfortunately, it is not.

- It stinks back here.

- It's not a limo, Maeve.

- Look, it's cruel
and unusual smelling.

- You want to switch seats,
babe?

- Yes.
- No.

- Well, I'd open a window,
but I can't.

- It's because we don't want
the criminals to get out, Maeve.

- You were mean as a child,
and you're mean now.

- Oh, wah.

- [Exhales]

[Thud]

- ♪ Sample sales ♪

- Ugh, fresh air.

It smells like hobo farts
in there.

- Hey, remember,
if we get a call,

we're abandoning your ass,

and you have to buy me
those red leather flats.

- Of course you would want
those.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- That you have the taste
of a 50-year-old lesbian.

- Oh, no.

If this is a sample sale,
I don't think I like it.

I think I'm just gonna
wait in the car.

- No, we need you.
- Why?

- To hold our stuff.

- How's your breathing?

- Fine.

- Any neck pain?

- No, not really.

- Looks like the python
around your neck

prevented any whiplash.

- Cool.
- That is cool.

- It's frickin' awesome,
is what it is.

- Yeah.

- This is gonna make
a great chapter in my memoir.

don't worry,
I won't use your real name.

- Call me Trish,

Trish Razinski.
No, you could get

[car honking]
In legal trouble for that.

Trish Slutski.
- Slutski.

- Okay.
- Nice.

- It's Polish.

- Hey, Johnny.
- Hey, stink hands.

- What's going on here?

- Uh, long story short,
she crashed her car,

and there is a python
in your firehouse or our rig.

- My bad.

- No shit?
- No shit.

- Huh.
How's your dad?

- Uh, he's good, I think.

- What the hell is happening
here?

- Uh, there's a python
in the firehouse.

- Bullshit.
You got pranked, stink hands.

- No, no, it is not a prank.

There is an honest-to-god python
somewhere in there.

It escaped from Cindy's car.
- Yeah, right.

- Okay.

- Ooh! Shit, shit, shit!

That's a big-ass snake.

- Yeah.
- It's yours?

- My ex's, but like
I was telling these guys,

it's all compensation.

- How about me and you take
a tour of the fire truck?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- [Giggles]
Hi.

- Wow, that was impressive.

- Why do girls like firemen?

They point a hose, big deal.

We just got a python
off that girl's neck.

- Seriously.
They save more cats than people.

We save more people in a month

than they do
in their entire careers.

- Hey, you guys need any help
over here?

- No, no, we good.

I mean, if you want
to hang out--

no, thank you.

- [Whispers]
That was smooth, man.

- [Whispers] Shut up.
- Way to show some restraint.

- Shut up.
- Animal control's here.

- Hey, thanks for coming.

- What's the problem?

- There's a python in there.

- You're yanking my chain,
right?

- Nope.

- Okay, well,
see you fellas later.

- Oh, where you going?
- No way I'm going in there.

- Isn't that sort of your job?

- My brother is my boss.
I cannot be fired.

So I don't care.

- Oh, so you're a real pro?

- Listen, bud, I just
refurbished my T-bird

and closed on a houseboat
on the Fox River.

- Wow, congrats.
Fox River, nice.

- Thank you.
So you can understand

why I don't want
my last thought to be,

as that snake is strangling me,

that I did not drive my T-bird
to my houseboat.

- There must be somebody
in your department

who specializes in snakes.

- Ross.
He got laid off.

- Budget cuts?
- I see you talked to Janet.

- She gave me an earful.

- I got this, you pussies.

Watch and learn, Steve-O.

- You're on your own, guys.

- Wait, before we kill it,

we should think about who's
really to blame here, huh?

The snake or the people?

According to my googling,

Lord Byron should be
in southeast Asia,

happily swimming in rivers
and eating local mammals.

It's not his fault that
he was born into captivity

in Wicker Park
and Cindy's not a goat.

- That's really nice.

I'm gonna go chop it in half.

- Thank you.
- Chop it in half--kill it.

- Kill him dead.
- Kill him.

- Okay.

[Ax clatters]

- Was that--
[Clank]

- Ah.
- That's good.

That's a good chop.
[Overlapping chatter]

- Wh--
- I panicked.

I threw it at him.

Now the snake has an ax.
We need a gun.

Does anybody have a gun?

- You know who has a gun.
Frank.

- No, I'm not calling my dad
to bail me out.

- I already texted him.
He's coming over.

- Oh, great.
- Shit, stink hands.

- Put it down, ladies.

Evidence.

Billy.
- Yep.

- Hold that.

- Hey, T, how long--
okay, never mind.

Hi, baby.
- Hi.

- So how much longer you think
we're just gonna hang out here--

- Officer!
- Yep.

- That lady stole the sweater
I wanted.

- It was clearly in my pile.
Arrest her.

- She's lying.
It was my pile.

- Ladies, ladies--
lad--okay, ladies.

Calm down for a second.

Calm down.
It's just a sweater.

Oh, damn, is this cashmere...

And periwinkle for $20
down from $200?

Are you kidding me?

This is such a good deal
for cashmere.

Okay--okay--t, I'm gonna need
backup over here.

- Be right there
right as soon as I try this on.

- Um, hey, listen, listen,

I think I got a solution.

Why don't we just cut this
sweater in half like a baby?

You know, like that dude
in the Bible.

He cut this baby in half,
so then both women had a baby.

Wait.
That's not how that story went.

Um, okay, you know what
I'm gonna do?

[All screaming]

[Tires screeching]

- All right, the cavalry's here.

You freakin' pussies.

What are you,
afraid of a little snake?

- Hey, it's a pretty big snake,
dad.

- It's got no arms
and no legs.

I got two of each.
I'm liking my odds.

- Okay, okay, relax.

It's not as easy as you think
to capture a python.

- You're right.
It's probably easier.

- Okay.

- It's not even one
of those poisonous snakes

like a king cobra.

Over in India, they got
little dudes playing flutes

in their underwear,
trapping those sons of bitches

in wicker baskets all the time.

- All right, big tough guy.

- As I watched Johnny's dad's
godlike demeanor

in the face of danger,

I finally saw what manhood
really was.

And it meant business.

- Brian, shut up.

- What was that?
I liked it.

- I'm dictating my memoirs.

- Good for you.
Well, watch and dictate.

I'm about to give you some
killer material.

- Okay.
- All right, get him, Frank.

[Cocks gun]

- Go get him, Frank.

[Gunshot]

- Hey.
[Laughs] He got him.

That's my dad.

[Gunshots]

Now he's just showing off.

- don't shoot the TV, Frank.
- Yeah.

[Clattering, thudding,
objects smashing]

- [Whimpering] Oh!
That freakin' thing is huge!

[Laughter]

Jesus, it's fast!
Is it following me?

Shut up, you dickless jerks!

And you with the hair,

don't even think of putting that
in your goddamn book.

- What if I change your name?
- No!

- Back off, bitch!

- What?
No, I'm the store manager.

And there's a woman
over there shoplifting.

- [Sighs]

We got a shoplifter
on the move.

She's headed to the back
entrance.

- I'm trapped, t, I'll never get
over there in time.

- Shit, she's getting away.
She's getting away.

- No!
- [Yelps]

Women: Oh!
[Murmuring]

- Holy shit,
nice, babe.

You just caught the perp.

That was really athletic.

You just looked like a fine-ass
j.J. Watt

the way you just jumped at her.

- What?
What perp?

This bitch just stole
the dress I wanted.

- Oh, okay, come on.

- Okay.

- Well, look at this.

- What the hell are you guys
doing here?

- It's all over the squawk box.

Every emergency service
in Chicago

is talking about this shit.

You guys are a bunch of wimps.

You're supposed to be tough.

Being brave is literally part
of your job description.

I am disgusted.

And where is the animal control
guy?

Have you no pride?
- I do not.

- Disgraceful.

Let me show y'all how a real man
handles his business.

Voodoo, go get him.

- Yes, sir.

- And off she went,
my snake charmer.

- I like that.
Good use of metaphor.

We should start
a writers' group.

- I can't believe you'd let
a small blonde woman

walk directly into the
gates of hell.

- Voodoo,
you don't have to do this.

- I've been in there.
I've seen it.

This is no normal snake.
You got to--

- uh, you were saying?

All: Oh!

- Okay.
- That's impressive.

- Whoo-hoo!
- You okay?

- Not too close, not too close.
- Yeah, it's fine.

- That's the one that's a witch,
right?

- Yeah.

- Do you think you could bring
that into the office for me?

- Okay.
- Ask for Janet.

- Voo, how'd you learn
to do that?

- Learn?

I just picked up the snake
and stayed away from the mouth.

It's not rocket science.

Plus, look how cute he is.
- No, he's not that cute.

- Wait a minute.

Does this mean Scott doesn't get
his snake back?

- I don't know.

Probably not.

- Perfect.

Oh, my god, can you take
a picture of us?

- No.
- Okay.

Can you, kind sir?

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

Steven, buddy,
get up in this,

like, real tight.

Take that, shit head.

All: Smile.

- Hey, those are my clothes.
- No, they're not.

News flash--you have
to pay money for things.

Maeve, stop.
That is evidence.

- No, this is your stuff.

You have, like, terrible taste,
Theresa.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, please.

I saw what you stole.

Besides that dress,
everything you had

looked like something
a grandmother would die in.

Ow.

- Would you stop?
I will pull this car over.

- I got to say,
I'm not hating this.

Babe, I think that you would
really kick ass

in a woman's prison,

and you look good in orange.

I think you look good
in all colors.

- Thanks, baby.

- don't think I won't arrest
you, Maeve.

- Bitch.
- Totally.

- What was that?
Both: Nothing.

- Aw, that was awesome.
I feel so alive.

I feel double alive because
I saw my dad run away

from that snake
like an overgrown baby.

- Well, the apple didn't fall
too far from the tree.

- Whatever.

- It is a day
I will not soon forget.

- Oh, that's right, Brian.

You got a lot of good stuff
for your memoirs.

- Yeah, what do you got so far?
Bust it out.

- Well, it's a work in progress.

- Oh, come on.

- Okay, all right.

Twist my arm,
here we go.

- And it was during this period

that I was dealing
with a smelly fart issue,

so I was grateful
that I wasn't having any sex.

- Ha ha ha, Johnny.

Very funny.

- As I bent over to get my bag,

I hoped that the guys didn't see
my thong.

How small is too small when
it comes to your own testicles?

- Very mature.

Very mature, guys,
very mature.

- don't stop.
This is good stuff. Keep going.

- Come on, I want to hear
what happens next.

- Then I realized that I was one
of the best, most understanding

friends a girl could have.
- That's sweet.

- We thought you would like it.
- I like that.

- Hey, Brian,
I just wanted to give you

a taste of the book I'm writing.

- Let's hear it.

- "The lady astronaut trembled

"as the hunky space alien
undressed her.

"As her eyes passed over
his strapping body,

"she realized that their species
could, indeed, mix.

His glistening"--
all: No.

- Okay, all right.
- No, thank you.

- That's good.
- Thank you, I'm good.

- It's been a good day,
you guys.

- It was a good day.
- It's all right.

- We encountered a python
with an ax, Hank.

- What was his name?
- Lord Byron.

- Who names a snake
"Lord Byron"?

- An idiot.
A hipster.

- What's the difference?

- [Laughs]
- That's good, Brian.