All language subtitles for blackadder.s04e05.1080p.bluray.x264-stories

By the centre, quick march!

(MARCHING MUSIC PLAYING)

Eyes right!

Eyes right!

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with "M."

(HUMMING)

Mug!

Oh, I say, well done, sir.
Your turn.

I spy with my bored
little eye something beginning with "T."

-Breakfast!
-What?

My breakfast always begins with tea,
then I have a little sausage,

then an egg with some little soldiers.

Baldrick, when I said
it begins with "T,"

I was talking about a letter.

Nah, it never begins with a letter.

The postman don't come till 10:30.

I can't go on with this.
George, take over.

All right, sir. Erm...

I spy with my little eye something
beginning with "R."

-Army!
-For God's sake, Baldrick!

"Army" starts with an "A."

He's looking for something
that starts with an "R."

(ROLLS R)

Motorbike!

-What?
-A motorbike starts with a...

(IMITATING MOTORBIKE ENGINE)

All right, right, right, right.
My turn again.

What begins with "come here"
and ends with "ow"?

-I don't know.
-Come here.

Well done.

No, I don't think you've quite got
the hang of this game,

to be honest, sir.

I tell you what,
let's try another one. Um...

I hear with my little ear, um,

something beginning with "B."

-What?
-Bomb.

I can't hear a bomb.

Listen very carefully.

Ah, yes.

(BOMB EXPLODING)

-Finished.
-Come on, then.

All right, and then you can tell me
what you think, but be honest now.

-I will!
-All right, then. (CLEARS THROAT)

"Dear Uncle H. How are you?"

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

"It's beastly rotten luck being
laid up here,

"but everyone's very nice,

"and at least now I can
write to you every day."

Oh, then I put in
a silly bit about, erm...

-What?
-No, it's, erm...

-Oh, come on, you can tell me.
-"And the nurse is an absolute peach."

(GROANS)

Anyway. "After the explosion,
Captain Blackadder was marvellous.

"He joked and joked.

"You lucky,
lucky, lucky bastard!" he cried.

"And then he lay on his back,

stuck his foot
over the top of the trench

"and shouted,
‘Over here, Fritz! What about me?'"

Well, Captain Blacky does indeed sound
a most witty and courageous chap.

Yes, and he's very amusing
and brave, as well,

not to mention being
as clever as a chap with three heads!

Thanks ever so much.
You really are terribly kind,

-as well as being dash pretty, to boot.
-Oh, you.

A fluffy pillow and a big cheery smile
is the least my lovely boys deserve.

Now, you take a little
trip to dozeyland.

You've got visitors coming

and we don't want to be all tired
and cross, now do we?

Absolutely not, no.

It'll be so jolly to see Baldrick
and the Cap again.

They'll have been
worried sick about me, you know.

All right,
where is the malingering git?

Hello, Cap! Pip pip, Balders!
Here I lie.

Nice to see the Lieutenant
looking so well, sir.

Of course he's looking well.
There's nothing wrong with him.

(LAUGHS)

Didn't I tell you the Captain
was a Super cove?

You did!

Well, Captain, you are indeed fortunate

to have a loyal friend
like darling Georgie.

Mmm, I think you might be under
a slight misapprehension here, Nurse.

I lost closer friends
than darling Georgie

the last time I was deloused.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got better things to do

than exchange pleasantries
with a wet blanket.

Would you get out?

We've got some important
military business.

Well, 10 minutes only.

Right, pork face, where's the grub?

-Pardon?
-Come on,

the moment that collection of
inbred mutants you call your relatives

heard you were sick,
they'll have sent you a hamper

the size of Westminster Abbey.

My family is not inbred!

Come on, somewhere
outside Saffron Walden

there's an uncle who's seven feet tall

with no chin and an Adam's apple
that makes him look as though

he's constantly trying
to swallow a ballcock.

I have not got any uncles like that!

Anyway, he lives
in Walton-on-the-Naze.

Exactly, now, where's the tuck?

Well, there were one or two things, yes.

There was, uh, a potted turkey,
a cow in jelly, three tinned sheep,

and, er, 1,2Q@ chocolates.
But in my weakened state...

-Yes?
-I, er... I ate them.

-What?
-Well, Nurse Mary

nibbled a trotter or two,

but oh, Cap,
she's such a wonderful girl.

She helps me with all my letters.

She can do all the German spelling,
and she's terribly good at punctuation.

I don't care if she can sing

"I may be a tiny chimney sweep,
but I've got an enormous brush."

Come on, Baldrick.

The only thing we're going to get
for free around here is dysentery.

But, sir...

I haven't given Lieutenant George
my bunch of flowers yet.

All right, hurry up, hurry up.

Here you are, sir,
I got you these.

Unfortunately, they've had
their heads shot off.

Where others choose
to say it with flowers,

Baldrick says it with stalks.

Well, Captain, I'm afraid
you'll have to leave us now.

-Oh, really?
-Yes.

You must report to
General Melchett immediately.

Oh, great. Yet another tempting
opportunity for suicide beckons.

Gosh, I wish I could come with you,
you know, sir.

Oh, no.
You must take care, my brave hero.

Brave hero, Nurse?

I was more wounded
the last time I clipped my toenails.

-Take no notice of him.
-Yes, pay no attention to the nasty man.

Look, if I can't give my brave boys
a kind word and a big smile,

what can I give them?

Well, one or two ideas do
suggest themselves.

But you'd probably think
they were unhygienic.

-Oh!
-Come on, Baldrick.

Hello, what's your name?

(IN A GERMAN ACCENT)
My name is Mr Smith.

Well, I'm sorry that you've been landed
opposite such a total git, Smith.

It's bad enough being wounded

without having to share a ward
with banana brain.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Comfortable, old fruit.

Yes.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MELCHETT: Enter.

Hello?

Hello?

(SHOUTS AND STRUGGLES)

-Right, spread them!
-What?

Right, he's clean, sir.

Great.

Can anyone tell me what's going on?

Security, Blackadder.

Security?

"Security" isn't
a dirty word, Blackadder.

"Crevice" is a dirty word,
but "security" isn't.

So, in the name of security, sir,

everyone who enters the room
has to have

his bottom fondled
by this drooling pervert.

Only doing my job, Blackadder.

Oh, well, how lucky you are, then,
that your job is also your hobby.

Now there's another dirty word. "Job."

BLACKADDER: Sir, is there
something the matter?

You're damn right there is
something the matter.

Something sinister
and something grotesque.

And what's worse is that it's
going on right here under my very nose.

Sir, your moustache is lovely.

What the General means,
Blackadder, is there's a leak.

Now, "leak" is
a positively disgusting word.

The Germans seem to be able
to anticipate our every move.

We send up an aeroplane,

there's a Jerry squadron
parked behind the nearest cloud.

We move troops to Boulogne,

the Germans have bought

the entire town's supply
of lavatory paper.

In short, a German spy is giving away
every one of our battle plans.

You look surprised, Blackadder.

I certainly am, sir.

I didn't realise
we had any battle plans.

Well, of course we have!

How else do you think
the battles are directed?

Our battles are directed, sir?

Well, of course they are, Blackadder,
directed according to the grand plan.

Would that be the plan to continue

with total slaughter
until everyone's dead except

Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig,
and their tortoise, Alan?

Great Scott! Even you know it!

Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors!

Hammer large pieces of crooked wood
against all the windows!

This security leak
is far worse than we'd imagined!

So you see, Blackadder,
Field Marshal Haig

is most anxious to eliminate all these
German spies.

Filthy Hun weasels fighting
their dirty underhand war!

And, fortunately, one of our spies...

Splendid fellows, brave heroes,
risking life and limb for Blighty.

.. has discovered that the leak
is coming from the field hospital.

You think there's a German spy
in the field hospital?

I think you might be right there.

Your job, Blackadder,
is to root this spy out.

-How long do you think you'll need?
-Hmm...

You'll have to be away
from the trenches for some time.

Six months?

Too bad, Blackadder.
You've got three weeks.

Yes, three weeks to smoke
the bugger out!

Use any method you see fit.

Personally, I'd recommend
you get hold of a cocker spaniel,

tie your suspect down
on a chair with a potty on his head,

then pop his todger
between two flowery baps

and shout, "Dinner time, Fido!"

However, if you are successful,
I shall need you back here permanently

to head up my new
security network, Operation Winkle.

-Winkle?
-Yes, to winkle out the spies.

You never mentioned
this to me, sir!

Well, we have to
have some secrets, don't we, Darling?

Right, well, I'll be back
in three weeks.

Excellent. And if you come back
with the information,

Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly
in the debriefing room.

Not while I have
my strength, he won't.

Damnation, sir!
His insolence makes my blood boil!

What's more,
I don't trust him, sir.

I think it would be best

if I went to the hospital myself
to keep an eye on him.

What, spy on our own spy
as he searches for their spy?

Yes, why not? Sounds rather fun.

You'll have to go undercover.

Oh, definitely, sir.

And you'll need
some kind of wound, a convincing wound.

-Naturally, sir.
-Yes.

-(GUN FIRES)
-(DARLING HOWLS)

Yes.

That looks quite convincing.

Right, pack me a toothbrush,
Baldrick, we're going on holiday.

Hurray! Where to?

-Hospital.
-Oh, no, I hate hostipals.

My grandfather went into one,
and when he come out, he was dead.

He was also dead
when he went in, Baldrick.

He'd been run over
by a traction engine.

I don't like them doctors.
If they start poking around inside me...

Baldrick, why would
anyone wish to poke around inside you?

They might find me interesting.

Baldrick, I find the great northern and
metropolitan sewage system interesting,

but that doesn't mean that
I want to put on some rubber gloves

and pull things
out of it with a pair of tweezers.

Still, I tell you what, sir,

you might have a chance
to get to know that pretty nurse.

No, thank you, Baldrick.
She's as wet as a fish's wet bits.

I'd rather get to know you.

I'm not available, sir.

I'm waiting for Miss Right to
come along and gather me up in her arms.

Yes, I wouldn't be too hopeful.

We'd have to get
her arms out of a straitjacket first.

Now get packing!

So very interesting!
Please do continue, old bean.

Right, well, then
I go on to say, erm,

"The orders came through

"for us to advance at Q80Q hours
in a pincer movement."

Gosh, how exciting!

Yes, well...

Afternoon, George.
Ah, hello, Cap!

Ah, Captain.
I hope you're going to conduct yourself

with a little more
decorum this time.

No, I am going to conduct
myself with no decorum. Shove off!

Oh!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

So, Cap, what's going on?

There's a German spy in the hospital,
and it's my job to find him.

A Ger... Well, snakes alive!
Exciting stuff, eh?

Wait a minute!
I think I might have a plan already.

What is it?

Well, have a look through
the list of patients

and see if there's anyone here
whose name begins with "Von."

Well, it's almost bound
to be your bloke!

I think we may find that he's
using a false name, actually, George.

Oh, crikey.
Well, that's hardly fair, now, is it?

I too have a cunning plan
to catch the spy, sir.

Do you, Baldrick, do you?

You go ‘round the hostipal
and you ask everyone,

"Are you a German spy?"

Yes, I must say, Baldrick,

I appreciate your involvement
on the creative side.

If it was me, I'd own up.

Of course you would.
But sadly, the enemy have not added

to the German army entrance
form the requirement,

"Must have intellectual
capacity of a boiled potato."

-Now, Baldrick, see that man over there?
-Yeah.

want you to stick to him like a limpet.

Make sure he doesn't leave the hospital.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Darling.
What are you doing here?

Bullet in the foot.

Well, I can understand
people at the front

trying to shoot themselves in the foot,

but when you're 35 miles
behind the line...

I did not shoot myself.
The General did it.

Oh. Finally got fed up
with you, did he?

No, it was a mistake.

Oh, he was aiming for your head.

He wasn't aiming for anything.

Oh, so he was
going for between your legs, then.

Very funny, Blackadder.

You'll be laughing on the other side
of your face if you don't find this spy.

Don't you worry, Darling.

I intend to start
interviewing suspects immediately.

This is completely ridiculous,
Blackadder! You can't suspect me.

I've only just arrived.

The first rule of counterespionage,
Darling, is to suspect everyone.

Believe me, I shall be asking myself

some pretty searching questions
later on.

Now, tell me, what is the colour
of the Queen of England's favourite hat?

How the hell should I know?

I see.

Well, let me ask you
another question.

What is the name of the German
head of state?

Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously.

So, you're on first name terms
with the Kaiser, are you?

Well, what did you expect me to say?

Darling, Darling... (SHUSHES)

Cigarette?

Thank you.

All right, you stinking
piece of crap!

-I beg your pardon?
-Shut your cakehole, sonny! I know you.

Tell me, von Darling,
what was it finally won you over, eh?

Was it the pumpernickel,

or was it the thought of hanging around
with big men in leather shorts?

I'll have you court-martialled
for this, Blackadder!

What, for obeying a general's orders?

That may be what you do in Munich,
or should I say Munchen?

But not here, Werner!
You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you?

Baldrick, the cocker spaniel,
please!

No! No! No! Wait!

No, look, I'm English!
I was born in Croydon!

I was educated at
Ipplethorpe Primary School!

I've got a girlfriend called Doris!

I know the words to all three
verses of God Save the King!

-Four verses.
-Four verses! I meant four verses!

Look, I'm as British as Queen Victoria!

So your father's German,
you're half-German

and you married a German?

No! No! Look, for God's sake,
I'm not a German spy!

Good. Thanks very much.
Send in the next man, would you?

What is all this noise about?
Don't you realise this is a hospital?

You'll regret this, Blackadder.

You'd better find the real spy
or I'll make it very hard for you.

Please, Darling,
there are ladies present.

(CRASHING)

(DARLING HOLLERS)

Well, well, Captain Blackadder,
this is an unexpected pleasure.

-What?
-Nice to have you back with us.

A spy-catcher, eh? Huh!

That silly kid George was right.

You are a bally hero.

Wait a minute.
I thought you liked George.

That's just my bedside manner.

What I call my "fluffy bunny act."

-So you're not a drip after all.
-Oh, no.

So, Mr Spy Catcher, how's it going?

Well, not much luck so far.

I think he might be
as difficult to find

as a piece of hay
in a massive stack full of needles.

So you're going to
be around for quite a while, then.

Looks like it.

Good, because

it can get pretty lonely
around here, you know.

God, it's nice to have someone
healthy to talk to!

Cigarette?

No, thank you. I only smoke cigarettes
after making love.

So, back in England,
I'm a 20-a-day man.

A man should smoke.

It acts as an expectorant

and gives his voice a deep,
gravely, masculine tone.

God, I love nurses.
They're so disgustingly clinical!

Tell me, Captain Blackadder...

Edmund.

Edmund.

When this war is over,

do you think we might
get to know each other a little better?

Yes, why not?
When this madness is finished,

perhaps we could go cycling
together.

Take a trip down
to the Old Swan at Henley

and go for a walk in the woods.

Yes, or we could just do it
right now on the desk.

Yeah, okay.

GEORGE: Ah, Baldrick.
Have you seen Nurse Mary?

I need someone
to post this letter.

She's in her office
with the Captain, sir.

Ah, poor girl,
tied to her desk, day and night.

Ah, Cap! I hear you've been
seeing a lot of Nurse Mary.

Yes, almost all of her, in fact.

How is she, sir?

Unbelievable!

What I really want to know is
are you any closer to finding the spy?

Yes, I think I'm getting there, George.

Everything all right, Smith?

(GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, ya!
Excellent, excellent.

Jolly good.

Smithy, you haven't seen
any suspicious-looking characters

hanging around, have you,

-who might be German spies?
-Nein.

Nine?

Well, the Cap's got
his work cut out, then.

Tell me, Edmund, do you have
someone special in your life?

-Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
-Who?

Me.

No, I mean someone
you love and cherish

and want to keep safe
from all the horror and the hurt.

Um, still me, really.

No, but back home, in England,

there must be someone waiting,
some sweetheart.

Oh, a girl. Nah.

I've always been a soldier,
married to the army.

The book of King's Regulations
is my mistress,

possibly with
a Harrod's lingerie catalogue

discreetly tucked between the pages.

And no casual girlfriends?

Skirt? Ha! If only...

When I joined up, we were
still fighting colonial wars.

If you saw someone in a skirt,
you shot him and nicked his country.

What about you?
Have you got a man?

Some fine fellow
in an English country village?

A vicar, maybe? Quiet, gentle,

hung like a baboon.

There was a man I cared for a Little.

Wonderful chap.
Strong, athletic...

What happened to him?

He bought it.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realise
that was the arrangement.

So what's it been?

Twelve nights
and let's say nine afternoons?

How much is,
oh, and a couple of mornings.

I mean he died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He was test-driving
one of those new tank contraptions,

and the bloody thing blew up.

What a waste.

God, I hope they've scrapped the lot.

(SCOFFS) Fat chance.

They're going to use 40 of them
next week at... Oh!

Sorry, I mustn't talk about that.
You never know who might be listening.

No, of course.

Oh, God, I miss him so much.
He was such a wonderful chap.

-Clever too, I expect.
-Brilliant.

Went to one of the great universities,
I suppose.

Oxford, Cambridge, Hull.

Mmm...

But why are we making small talk
when we could be making big love?

Good point.
This could be our last chance.

My three weeks are up.
I'm going back to staff HQ tomorrow.

Look, why don't you come with me?
It could be fun.

We could have supper or something.

How about something
first, then supper?

Good idea!

Ah, hello, Blackadder.

Good morning, sir.
May I introduce Nurse Fletcher-Brown.

She's been very supportive
during my work at the hospital.

How do you do, young lady? (CHUCKLES)

Do sit down. Ooh!

So, any news of the spy, Blackadder?

-Yes, sir.
-Excellent.

The Germans seem
to know every move we make!

I had a letter from Jerry yesterday.
It said,

"Isn't it about time
you changed your shirts, walrus-face?"

So, do you have any
ideas who it might be, young lady?

No, sir, I'm only a humble nurse,
but I did at one point think it might be

Captain Darling.

Well, bugger me with a fish fork!

Old Darling, a Jerry Morse-tapper?

What on Earth made you suspect him?

Well, sir, he poo-pooed the Captain here
and said he'd never find the spy.

Is this true, Blackadder?

Did Captain Darling poo-poo you?

Well, perhaps a little.

Well then, damn it all,
what more evidence do you need?

The poo-pooing alone is
a court-martial offence!

I can assure you, Sir,

that the poo-pooing
was purely circumstantial.

Well, I hope so, Blackadder.

You know, if there's one thing
I've learned from being in the army,

it's never ignore a poo-poo.

I knew a major got poo-pooed,

made the mistake of ignoring
the poo-poo. He poo-pooed it.

Fatal error,
because it turned out all along

that the soldier who poo-pooed him

had been poo-pooing a lot of other
officers who poo-pooed -their poo-poos.

In the end,
we had to disband the regiment,

morale totally destroyed

by poo-poo!

Yes, I think we may be drifting
slightly from the point here, sir,

which is that, unfortunately,
and to my lasting regret,

Captain Darling is not the spy.

Oh? And then who the hell is?

Well, sir, there is a man
in the hospital with a pronounced limp

and a very strong German accent.
It must be him, it's obvious.

Obvious, but wrong.
It's not him.

And why not?

Because, sir, not even the Germans
would be stupid enough

to field a spy with
a strong German accent.

Well then, who is it?

Well, it's perfectly simple.

-It's you.
-(GASPS)

-Edmund!
-Baldrick!

Explain yourself, Blackadder,

before I have you shot
for being rude to a lady.

Well, sir, the first seeds
of suspicion were sown

when Lieutenant George unwittingly
revealed that she spoke German.

Do you deny, Nurse Fletcher-Brown,

or should I say Nurse Fleischer-Baum,

that you helped Lieutenant George
with the German words in his letters?

-No, I did, but...
-My suspicions were confirmed

when she probed me expertly
about tank movements.

Oh, Edmund, how could you,
after all we've been through?

And then the final, irrefutable proof.

Remember you mentioned
a clever boyfriend?

Yes.

I then leapt on the opportunity
to test you.

I asked if he'd been to
one of the great universities.

Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.

-Well?
-You failed to spot

that only two of those
are great universities.

-You swine!
-That's right, Oxford's a complete dump!

Well, quite.

No true Englishwoman
could have fallen into that trap.

Oh, Edmund, I thought there was
something beautiful between us.

I thought you loved me.

Nah. Take her away, Baldrick.

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

Good work, Blackadder.

Now I'd better go
assemble a firing squad.

Watch out, sir!

Darling, what on Earth
do you think you're doing?

I'll tell you exactly
what I am doing, sir.

I'm doing what Blackadder
should have done three weeks ago, sir.

-What?
-This is the guilty man!

-Darling, you're hysterical.
-No, sir! No, I'm not, sir!

I'll ask him outright,
are you a spy?

Yes, Iam a spy!

You see, sir?

Well, of course
he's a spy, Darling.

A British spy!

This is Brigadier
Sir Bernard Proudfoot-Smith,

the finest spy
in the British Army!

But he can't be, sir.
He doesn't even sound British.

Unfortunately, I have
been working undercover in Germany

for so long that I have picked up
a teensy-weensy bit of an accent.

This, Darling, is the man who told us

that there was a German
spy in the hospital in the first place.

Ah.

MELCHETT: Right, well,
that's that, then. Blackadder?

-Yes, sir?
-You are now head of Operation Winkle.

-Thank you, sir.
-Darling?

-Yes, sir?
-You are a complete arse.

-Thank you, sir.
-Right, Bernard,

-let's go and watch the firing squad.
-(AGREES IN GERMAN)

Sir, what the devil is going on?

I've just seen Nurse Mary
being led away to a firing squad!

Nurse Mary is the spy, George.

What? Impossible!

Afraid so.

Well, cover me with eggs and flour
and bake me for 40 minutes.

Who'd have thought it, eh?
Nurse Mary, a Boche nose-poker-inner!

Oh well, lots of
exciting stuff to put in my next letter

to my Uncle Herman in Munich.

Sorry?

Those letters I've been writing
in hospital to my German uncle.

New information, Blackadder?

-George.
-Oh, yes, well, I know there's a war on,

but family is family

and old Uncle Hermie does so love
to be kept abreast of what's going on.

I even wrote and told him
about old walrus-face Melchett

and his smelly old shirts!

Would you like me to tell this one
to the General, Blackadder?

Or would you enjoy
that very special moment?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)