All language subtitles for blackadder.s02e04.1080p.bluray.x264-stories

(TH EME MUSIC P LAYI N G)

(SQU EAK)

(SQU EAKI N G)

(TO N GU E TRI LLI N G)

(KN OCKI N G)

Go away!

My Lord, there is someone
at the door to see you .

Oh, God ! What ti me is it?

Fou r o'clock.

Ba ld rick, I've told you before,
you m ustn 't let me sleep a ll day.

Th is woma n cha rges by the hou r!

Erm, My Lord,
it's fou r o'clock i n the morn i ng .

Someone wa nts to see me
at 4:00 i n the morn i ng?

What is he, a g ia nt la rk?

Er, no, he's a priest.

Tell h i m I' m Jewish !

Aren 't you goi ng to i ntrod uce me, then?

What?

Aren 't you goi ng to i ntrod uce me
to you r friend?

Oh, very well, but I th i n k
you ' re ma ki ng a m ista ke.

Ba ld rick, I a m delig hted
to i ntrod uce you to...

I' m sorry, I've forgotten you r na me.

Mollie.

Of cou rse, Mollie ! Ba ld rick,
th is is Mollie, a dea r friend of m i ne.

I' m not dea r!

I' m very reasona ble, actua lly, Ba ld rick.

Most g i rls wou ld cha rge
a n extra sixpence

for a ll the horri ble th i ngs
he wa nts to do.

Yes, a ll rig ht!
All rig ht, a ll rig ht, a ll rig ht.

Ba ld rick, th is is Mollie,
a n i nexpensive prostitute.

Mollie, th is is Ba ld rick,
a poi ntless peasa nt!

N ow, may I go to sleep, please?

Yea h, well, what a bout th is priest?

Tell h i m to ta ke h is sacred backside
out of here !

What's more, if he comes begg i ng aga i n,

tell h i m I sha ll report h i m to
the Bishop of Bath a nd Wells

who d rowns ba bies d u ri ng ch risten i ngs
a nd eats them i n the vestry afterwa rds.

Very good, My Lord .

Bye, Ba ld rick.

Bye-bye, Mollie.

For God 's sa ke, get out!

Well, you ' re a one, a ren 't you?

When you shou ld be wh isperi ng
sweet conversationa l noth i ngs

li ke, "Good ness, someth i ng twice
the size of the Roya l Ba rge

" has j ust hoved i nto view
between the sheets, "

you don 't say a word .

But enter the Creatu re
from the Black Latri ne

a nd you won 't stop ja bberi ng !

H e treated me li ke a h u ma n bei ng .

Look, if I'd wa nted a lectu re
on the Rig hts of Ma n,

I'd have gone to bed with Ma rti n Luther!

Yes, Ba ld rick, what is it now?

It's that priest.
H e says he sti ll wa nts to see you .

And d id you mention the ba by-eati ng
Bishop of Bath a nd Wells?

-I d id, My Lord .
-And what d id he say?

(S H OUTI N G) H e sa id, "I a m the
ba by-eati ng Bishop of Bath a nd Wells! "

Good Lord !

You haven 't a ny ch i ld ren,
have you, Blackadder?

N o. N o, I' m not ma rried .

In that case, I' ll ski p brea kfast
a nd get stra ig ht down to busi ness!

Do you know what day it is today?

N o, I don 't.

It is exactly one yea r ago to the day

that the Ba n k of the Black Mon ks
of St H erod,

" Ba n ki ng with a Sm i le a nd a Sta b",

of wh ich I a m the assista nt ma nager,

lent you 1 ,000 pou nds.

Ou r motto is, " Repayment

"or Revenge" .

Of cou rse a nd, natu ra lly,

I wou ld have pa id you back,
but u nfortu nately,

a nd th is is the rea l bugger,
I've gone a nd lost my wa llet.

(S PUTTERS) Disastrous!
It had a ll my add resses i n it,

a ll those little notes sayi ng
" Forget Ye N ot"

a nd, of cou rse, a ll my money!

That's no concern of m i ne.
The debt is now d ue.

N ot to repay a loa n is a si n,
a nd we Black Mon ks, we hate si n !

Ah ! Erm . . . You r Grace, may I i ntrod uce

my mother.

Good morn i ng, my dea r!

I hope you haven 't forgotten
ou r a ppoi ntment!

Of cou rse not, pu m pie !

I have a m i nd, my pretty,
to play n u ns a nd novices,

so don 't forget you r wi m ple !

Sa ucy!

But as for you, you come with me !

Where?

To visit the last poor fool
who lost h is wa llet!

- (SMACK)
-Ow!

(RAVEN CAWI N G)

"Wi llia m Greaves, born 1513
i n Chelmsford with the love of Ch rist,

"d ied 1563 i n

"agony with a spi ke u p h is bottom ! "

(EXCLAIMS)

'Tis ever a nd so, n u ncle,
with the Black Mon ks!

(S H U D D ERI N G)

Screa med d id he.

Screa med a nd g u rg led as they skewered
h is cat-fla p for wa nt of a fa rth i ng !

I th i n k you get my message.

Erm, yes. Yes, i ndeed .
But tell me, Bishop,

let me j ust test the water here,
so to spea k.

Erm, su pposi ng I was to say to you
someth i ng li ke,

"I' m a close friend of the Queen 's

"a nd I th i n k she'd be very i nterested

to hea r a bout you a nd Mollie
a nd the wi m ple,

"so why don 't we j ust
ca ll it q u its, eh, fatso?"

(CLEARS TH ROAT) I wou ld say, fi rstly,

the Queen wou ld not believe you,

a nd, second ly, you ' ll reg ret
ca lli ng me "fatso" later today!

Ah .

I wi ll have my money
by Evensong ton ig ht or...

(S LU RPI N G B REATH )

...you r bottom wi ll wish
it had never been born !

(HACKI N G COUG H )

- (S H U D D ERS)
- (RAVEN CAWI N G)

Poor Tom is a-cold !

Pity poor Tom, for h is nose is frozen !

And he doth sh iver a nd is mad !

Oh, sh ut u p!

(YELLS)

So, lads, I' m u p a certa i n creek
without a certa i n i nstru ment.

Either I ra ise a 1 ,000 pou nds
by th is even i ng or I get m u rdered .

What shou ld I do?

-It's obvious.
-What?

You ' ll have to get m u rdered .

You 'd never ra ise that sort of money.

(LAUG HI N G) Oh, come now, Ba ld rick!

A piffli ng thousa nd?

Pay the fellow, Ed m u nd,
a nd da m n h is i m pudence !

I haven 't got a 1 ,000, d u ng-head !
I've got 85 q u id i n the whole world .

But you ' re a lways boasti ng to the Queen
a bout how wea lthy you a re !

Ah, a cu n n i ng web of deceit
su btly spu n a bout the cou rt

to i m prove my sta nd i ng, u nfortu nately.

What, do you mea n you 've been ...

fi bbi ng?

Yep. My whole life
has been a tissue of whoppers.

I consider myself
one of Eng la nd 's fi nest lia rs.

-Oh, my God, Percy!
-Oh !

A g ia nt h u m m i ng bi rd is
a bout to eat you r hat a nd cloa k!

-Oh, no !
-You see? I' m terrific.

It seems to have gone now.

Cou ld n 't you j ust d i p
i nto the fa m i ly fortu ne?

There isn 't one.

My father blew it a ll on wi ne,
women a nd a mateu r d ra matics.

At the end, he eki ng out a livi ng

doi ng h u morous i m pressions
of An ne of Cleves!

Oh, Ed m u nd, I a m sorry. I had no idea .

But do not despa i r,
for I have some sma ll savi ngs,

ca refu lly ha rvested
from my weekly a llowa nce,

set aside aga i nst my fra i l old age.

By luck, it is j ust over a 1 ,000,
meth i n ks,

a nd has, for yea rs,
been h idden beyond the wit of a ny th ief

i n a n old sock...

B LACKAD D ER AN D P ERCY:
U nder the sq uea ky floorboa rd ...

ALL: Beh i nd the kitchen d resser.

You 've seen it?

Seen it, pi nched it, spent it.

And the sa me goes for the two fa rth i ngs

Ba ld rick th i n ks he's got
h idden i nside that mou ldy potato.

Oh, bloody hell!

Then, you a re doomed .

Alas.

For God 's sa ke,
let us sit u pon the ca rpet

a nd tell sad stories...

Certa i n ly not!

When Lord Blackadder is i n trou ble,
he does not sit a bout!

You won 't be a ble to sit a bout
with a spi ke u p you r bottom .

Well, exactly.

But sti ll, I've got 85 q u id,
a nd that's a sta rt.

I' m su re I' ll th i n k of someth i ng
as long as I' m not d istu rbed .

My Lord, the Queen does dema nd
you r u rgent presence, on pa i n of death !

Oh, da m n !

The path of my life is
strewn with cowpats

from the devi l's own sata n ic herd !

Mada m, you sent for me.

Did I? I don 't remem ber.

What a na ug hty scatterbra i n I a m !

Sna p!

Well, perha ps, ma 'a m,
if I m ig ht be a llowed to withd raw,

I have one or two ti ny matters
to attend to.

Certa i n ly.

(HYSTERICAL LAUG HTER)

That was a terrific joke, wasn 't it?

MELCH ETT: Oh, mag n ificent!

Ever so na ug hty!

What, my lady?

I do know why I wa nted to see you

a nd I j ust pretended
I d id n 't a nd I fooled you !

And it worked bri llia ntly, d id n 't it?

It was terrific, mada m .

I tha n k God I wore my corset,
beca use I th i n k my sides have split.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

So, why d id you wa nt to see me?

To crack the lovely joke !

Or, perha ps, Blackadder,
you don 't th i n k the Queen 's jokes

a re fu n ny enoug h for you
to be trou bled with?

Au contraire. I a m ecstatic
a bout the whole i nsta nce.

I on ly d id n 't la ug h out loud

beca use I was afra id if I d id,
my head wou ld have fa llen off.

If you don 't sta rt soon,
you r head wi ll fa ll off!

(S N O RTS WITH LAUG HTER)

N ow, pay Melch ie h is 85 pou nds
a nd ru n a long .

- Eig hty-five pou nds?
-Yes.

We had a bet. I sa id that
you wou ld n 't fa ll for my trick,

a nd Melch ie sa id you wou ld beca use
I' m so su per a nd you ' re so stu pid .

You owe h i m 85 pou nds.

Oh, fi ne, fi ne.

I mea n, it's on ly money, isn 't it?

I ca n not believe it!

She d rags me a ll the way
from Bi lli ngsgate to Rich mond

to play the wea kest practica l joke

si nce Ca rd i na l Wolsey
got h is knob out at Ha m pton Cou rt

a nd stood at the end of the passage,
pretend i ng to be a door!

(GU FFAWS)

Oh, sh ut u p, Ba lders, you 'd la ug h
at a Sha kespea re comedy!

Ed m u nd ! Oh, Ed m u nd !
I have awa ited you r retu rn !

And tha n k God you d id, for I was j ust
th i n ki ng, my God, "I d ie i n 12 hou rs.

"What I rea lly need is a h ug
from a com plete prat. "

But fea r not, for I have a pla n to
save the life of my dea r, dea r friend !

Look, I' m not i nterested i n
you r bloody friends, what a bout me?

(LAUG HS) N ot bad, Ed m u nd !
That's a good one.

Oh, a ll rig ht, then,
what's you r big pla n, blockhead?

I i ntend to d iscover,
th is very afternoon,

the secret of a lchemy.

The h idden a rt of tu rn i ng
base th i ngs i nto gold .

Ah, I see. And the fact that th is secret

has eluded the most i ntelligent people
si nce the dawn of ti me

doesn 't da m pen you r spi rits at a ll?

Oh, no, I li ke a cha llenge !

Well, Ba lders, I lost the 85 q u id .

The g rave opens u p before me li ke a

big hole i n the g rou nd .

Well, I d id have one idea,
My Lord, but...

- N o, it's stu pid . You wou ld n 't. . .
-What is it?

Well, I have hea rd there's good money
to be made down the docks...

doi ng favou rs for sa i lors.

Favou rs? What do you mea n?

Deliveri ng messages, sewi ng on buttons,
that ki nd of th i ng?

Erm, not q u ite.

- Ba ld rick?
-My Lord?

Are you suggesti ng
that I become a rent boy?

Well, good looki ng bloke li ke you,

posh accent, n ice legs,
cou ld ma ke a bom b.

J ust stick a pi n k ca rnation
i n you r hat a nd, er, ma ke the old sig n .

I'd rather d ie !

Oh, fa i r enoug h . That's a ll rig ht, then .

I' ll j ust put the kettle on
wh i le we wa it, sha ll I?

On second thoug ht,

with a slig ht a lteration, you r sick
a nd sord id pla n m ig ht j ust work!

Give me a kiss
a nd I' ll g ive you a pen ny.

-A pen ny?
-All rig ht, a tu ppence !

All rig ht. Go on .

N oth i ng fa ncy, j ust a peck.

I m iss my m u m, you see.

When I was a kid,
my mother a lways used to come...

Get a move on !

H e's a prostitute, not a n agony a u nt!

Go on, please !

J ust a little peck on the cheek a nd say,

"There, there, Arth u r. Mu m my' ll kiss it
better a nd you sha ll have a story. "

Well, I d u n no.

Do you do req uests, Ba ld rick?

What, ki n ky stuff? Yea h, I' m ga me.

Oh, go on, please !

I. . . I m iss my mother so m uch .

I mea n, she was li ke a mother to me !

Oh, a ll rig ht, go on, Ba ld rick.

I've forgotten what I' m su pposed to say.

Oh, get out of the way. I' ll do it!

There, there, Arth u r.

Mua h !

Mu m my kiss it better
a nd you sha ll have a story.

What ki nd of a story?

Oh, I don 't know.
One a bout a sq u i rrel, I su ppose.

And then Sq u i rry the Sq u i rrel went...

BOTH : N i p, n i p, n i p!

And they a ll went home for tea .

Aw, tha n ks very m uch, me old sh iveri ng
mateys, that was wonderfu l!

N ow then, how m uch do you cha rge
for a good ha rd shag?

A thousa nd pou nds.

(SCO FFS) A thousa nd pou nds?
You 've gotta be joki ng !

Well, I' m su re we cou ld negotiate.

Rig ht, so we've got sixpence !

Yea h . N ow, a ll we need to do,
My Lord, is to go down the cock fig hts

a nd put it on a bi rd that's a dead cert,
but has odds of 40,000 to one !

Know you of such a bi rd?

N o...

but we cou ld ma ke one !

N o, we cou ld n 't, Ba ld rick.

Oh, God, I su ppose you have
to be told some ti me. Sit down .

What ha ppens is,

a m u m my bi rd a nd a daddy bi rd,

who love each other very m uch,
get certa i n u rges...

N o, no, My Lord, what I mea n is,

we cou ld get a mad wi ld ki ller bu ll
a nd d isg u ise it as a bi rd .

But it' ll be such a stra nge-looki ng bi rd
that no-one wi ll back it,

but we' ll know it's a ki ller bu ll,
so we' ll put money on it.

On ly we wi ll know?

Yea h, if we stick enoug h feathers on it
a nd ha ng a n egg between its legs.

Yes, a ll rig ht. All rig ht, Ba ld rick.

A chat with you a nd, somehow,
death loses its sti ng !

My Lord, the Queen does dema nd
you r u rgent presence, on pa i n of death .

You ' re not ma ki ng a ny friends here,
you do know that, don 't you?

-Mada m, you sent for me aga i n?
-Yes, Ed m u nd .

I wa nted to a polog ise
for the si lly trick I played on you .

Ah !

It was na ug hty a nd bad of me.

It was, my little rosebud .

If you weren 't so big, it wou ld be ti me

for Mr a nd Mrs Spa n k to pay
a short sha rp tri p to Botty-la nd !

Tha n k you, N u rsie.

And tha n k you, Ed m u nd .

-That's a ll?
-Yes.

Tha n ks for com i ng .

(S N O RTI N G WITH LAUG HTER)

That was very fu n ny, too, wasn 't it?

My lady?

Dragg i ng you a ll the way
across town aga i n

j ust to say sorry for d ragg i ng you
a ll the way across town the fi rst ti me !

It was Melchett's idea .

I th i n k it's wonderfu l, don 't you?

It's fa ntastic.

Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet
of the world 's g reatest livi ng comed ia n .

Oh, you a re su per, Ed m u nd !

Oh, Ed m u nd, erm,
I prom ised Lord Melchett

that I wou ld play
shove ha lfpen ny with h i m,

but we have no coi n .

Do you have a ha lfpen ny?

U nfortu nately, on ly a sixpence, ma 'a m,
what a sha me !

Oh, no. A sixpence wi ll do j ust as well.

Oh, good !

Oh, God !

Th is place sti n ks
li ke a pa i r of a rmou red trousers

after the H u nd red Yea rs Wa r.

Ba ld rick, have you been
eati ng d u ng aga i n?

My Lord ! Success!

What?

After, litera lly,
a n hou r's ceaseless sea rch i ng,

I have succeeded i n creati ng gold !
Pu re gold !

-Are you su re?
-Yes, My Lord !

Behold !

Percy, it's g reen !

That's rig ht, My Lord .

Yes, Percy.
I don 't wa nt to be peda ntic or a nyth i ng,

but the colou r of gold is gold !

That's why it is ca lled gold .

What you have d iscovered,
if it has a na me, is some g reen .

Oh, Ed m u nd !

Ca n it be true

that I hold here i n my morta l ha nd

a n ugget of pu rest g reen?

Indeed you do, Percy, except, of cou rse,
it's not rea lly a n ugget, is it?

It's more of a splat.

Well, yes, a splat today,
but tomorrow, who knows

or da res to d rea m?

So, we th ree a lone i n a ll the world
ca n create the fi nest g reen at wi ll?

J ust so.

I' m not su re a bout
cou nti ng i n Ba ld rick, actua lly.

Of cou rse, you know what you r g reat
d iscovery mea ns, don 't you, Percy?

Perha ps, My Lord .

That you, Percy, Lord Percy,

a re a n utter berk!

- Ba ld rick!
-My Lord?

Pack my bags.
I' m goi ng to sell the house.

- BOTH : What?
-There's noth i ng else for it.

I mea n, I sha ll m iss
the old place, I know.

I've had some ha ppy ti mes here
when you a nd Percy have been out.

But needs m ust when the devi l
vom its i nto you r kettle !

Ba ld rick, go forth i nto the streets

a nd let it be known that Lord Blackadder
wishes to sell h is house.

Percy, j ust go forth i nto the street.

Th is is the den .

Oh, dea r!

But I have to tell you, Mr Pa nts,

that I've had a n extremely
encou rag i ng n i bble from a nother client

a nd I th i n k you know me
well enoug h to know

that I' m not the sort of ma n
to ig nore a n i bble for long !

I noticed some d ry rot
i n the bed rooms, Ti mothy.

Well, Mrs Pa nts,
d ry rot is as d ry rot does.

Stop me if I' m getti ng too tech n ica l.

And the floors a re, perha ps,
a little u neven .

Indeed, yes, mada m,
a nd at no extra cost!

Stra nge smell!

Yes, that's the serva nt. H e' ll be gone.

You 've rea lly worked out
you r ba nter, haven 't you?

N o, not rea lly.

Th is is a d ifferent th i ng .
It's sponta neous a nd it's ca lled wit!

What a bout the privies?

When the master craftsma n who created
th is home was looki ng i nto sewage,

he sa id to h i mself, " Romeo, "
for 'twas h is na me,

" Romeo, let's ma ke 'em
fu nctiona l a nd comforta ble ! "

Oh, well, that seems n ice,
d u n 't it, dea r?

I th i n k we u ndersta nd each other, si r.

So, sold then ! Dri n k?

But what a bout the privies?

Well, what we' re ta lki ng a bout i n,
erm, privy terms,

is the very latest i n front-wa ll,
fresh a i r orifices

com bi ned with a wide-ca pacity
g utter i nsta llation below.

You mea n you cra p out of a wi ndow?

Yes.

Well, i n that case,
we' ll defi n itely ta ke it!

I ca n 't sta nd those d i rty i ndoor th i ngs!

There. That's the lot.

H e on ly wa nted to pay a 1 ,000,
but I ma naged to beat h i m u p to a 1 , 100.

Oh, Ed m u nd ! You wi ly old trickster, you !

Oh, cred it where cred it's d ue.
I j ust na med the price.

It was Ba ld rick
who actua lly beat h i m u p.

Percy, what is that
on the front of you r tu n ic?

Ah, it is a brooch, My Lord .

A brooch cu n n i ng ly fash ioned
from pu re g reen .

It looks li ke you 've sneezed .

It is with tri n kets such as th is brooch,
a nd here, a ri ng,

that I i ntend to revive you r fortu nes
a nd buy back you r house !

You th i n k there's a big ma rket for
jewellery that looks li ke snot, then?

My Lord !

The eyes a re open, the mouth moves,

but Mr Bra i n has long si nce depa rted,
hasn 't he, Percy?

My Lord .

Ah, messenger! Tha n k God you ca me.

Percy a nd I cou ld not have wa ited
a nother second without you !

You r Majesty!

Tha n k God you 've a rrived ! Terri ble news!

What?

The French i ntend to i nvade, Blackadder.

My God !

-So I need some money.
- B LACKAD D ER: Ah .

Yes. Every noblema n m ust pay 500 pou nds
towa rds the u pkeep of the navies.

But we've decided
to ma ke you a specia l case.

Oh, tha n k you, ma 'a m .

Melch ie here hasn 't got a bea n,

so we thoug ht, as you ' re so fa bu lously
wea lthy, you ca n pay for both !

It wou ld be awfu lly sweet of you .

Yes. U nfortu nately, ma 'a m,
I' m i n the m idd le of a cash flow crisis

a nd I j ust haven 't got a ny money on me.

- But, Ed m u nd . . .
-Sorry, ma 'a m !

What's that i n you r tig hts?

Oh, good Lord !

It looks li ke j ust over a 1 ,000 pou nds.

So it is.

I thoug ht you sa id you d id n 't have a ny.

Oh, I thoug ht you mea nt rea l money!
Oh, th is is j ust a bit of loose cha nge.

I m ust've left it i n my cod-piece
when I sent these tig hts to the la u nd ry.

Gosh ! A 1 ,000 pou nds j ust
loose i n you r tig hts? That is flash !

Anyway, ha nd it over.

Ah .

Tha n ks. Bye.

Rig ht.

Well, good bye i ndeed .

Good bye, ma 'a m . Good bye, Melchett.

Good bye, N u rsie.

(QU EEN EXCLAIMS)

Bye !

(S N O RTS)

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Oh, si lly old Ed m u nd !

H e was com pletely fooled !

It was a bri llia nt joke, Melchett!

Bri llia nt, ma 'a m !

And now I' m goi ng to have you executed .

(S PUTTERI N G) Majesty?

It's for ta ki ng the m ickey out
of my beloved Ed m u nd so cruelly.

I' m goi ng to knock you r block off!

But, Majesty, I on ly acted to please !

Oh, please ! I so wa nt to live !

(MELCH ETT SO B BI N G)

(LAUG HI N G)

Oh !

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Oh, pra ise the Lord
for the g ift of la ug hter.

Rig ht, Ba lders, I've lost the money.
I' m gon na have to ru n away.

Why, My Lord?

To avoid these mon ks, of cou rse !

There's no poi nt. The Black Ba n k's
got bra nches everywhere.

Oh, da m n !

If I d ied, Ba ld rick, do you th i n k
people wou ld remem ber me?

Yea h, 'cou rse they wou ld .

Yes, I su ppose so.

Yea h, people wou ld a lways be sla ppi ng
each other on the shou lders a nd la ug h i ng

a nd sayi ng,
" Do you remem ber old Privy Breath?"

Do people ca ll me Privy Breath?

Yea h . The ones that li ke you .

Am I, then, not popu la r?

Erm, well, put it th is way,

when people sli p i n what dogs have
left i n the street, they do tend to say,

"Oops, I've trod on a n Ed m u nd ! "

The bloody cheek! I' ll show them !

What, have you got a pla n, My Lord?

Yes, I have a nd it's so cu n n i ng
you cou ld brush you r teeth with it!

All I need is some feathers,
a d ress, some oi l,

a n easel, some sleepi ng d ra ug ht,

lots of pa per, a prostitute a nd the best
portra it pa i nter i n Eng la nd !

I' ll get them rig ht away, My Lord !

My Lord, the most fa mous
portra it pa i nter i n Eng la nd,

Mr Leona rdo Acropolis!

Rig ht, a re you a ny good?

(I N ITALIAN ACCENT) N o ! I a m a gen i us!

Well, you 'd better be or you ' re dead !

(KN OCKI N G)

Rig ht. In the bed room, bea rd-face !
Ba ld rick, get the door.

My Lord .

My Lord, the Bishop of Bath a nd Wells!

The ti me has come, Blackadder!

Oh, hello, Bish .

The Black Mon ks wi ll have thei r money
or I wi ll have my fu n !

You enjoy you r work, don 't you?

- H m m, bits of it, yes.
-The violent bits?

Yes. You see,

I a m a colossa l pervert!

N o form of sexua l depravity
is too low for me.

An i ma l, vegeta ble or m i nera l,
I' ll do a nyth i ng to a nyth i ng !

- Fi ne words for a bishop.
- H m m .

It's n ice to hea r the Ch u rch spea ki ng
out for a cha nge on socia l issues!

- Have you got the money?
- N ope.

Good ! I hate it when people pay u p.

Say you r prayers, Blackadder!

-It's poker ti me !
- Fi ne.

Are you ever concerned
that people m ig ht fi nd you out?

N o. N o, I ki ll, I ma i m, I forn icate,

but as fa r as my flock is concerned,

my on ly vice is
a little ti pple before Evensong .

Oh, tha n k you .

Bend over, Blackadder!

Th is is where you get you r. . . (CH O KI N G)

Drugged ! By God !

N o, by Ba ld rick, actua lly,
but the effect is m uch the sa me.

Wa key-wa key, Bish .

Dea r me, you clerics
rea lly a re slug-a-beds!

Where a m I? Oh, I remem ber, d rugged .

That's rig ht.

You shou ld have ki lled me
wh i le you had the cha nce.

You have looked i n wonder
at you r last dawn, Blackadder!

Well, I' m not so su re a bout that.

I d id wonder, thoug h,
what people who saw th is m ig ht th i n k!

(MUTTERI N G)

What creatu res from hell a re those?

They ma ke a n i nteresti ng cou ple,
don 't they? I th i n k.

I th i n k you proba bly recog n ise th is
h uge, sweati ng, mou nd of blu bber here.

Eh, fatso?

- (G ROWLS)
-Tut, tut, tut, tut.

There's no poi nt a nyway.
We have the preli m i na ry sketches.

Soon ba ng off a cou ple of copies.
Let's see, one for the Queen,

one for the Arch bishop,

a cou ple kept aside, perha ps, to form
the basis of a n exciti ng exh i bition

of cha lleng i ng you ng a rtists' work.

By the horns of Beeebu b,
how d id you get me i nto that position?

And it's, er, bea utifu lly fra med,
don 't you th i n k?

Wh ich is i ron ic, rea lly, beca use that's
exactly what's ha ppened to you .

You fiend ! N ever have I encou ntered
such corru pt a nd fou l-m i nded perversity.

Have you ever considered
a ca reer i n the Ch u rch?

N o, I cou ld never get
used to the u nderwea r.

What I cou ld use, thoug h, is, let's say,
a 1 , 100 pou nds to buy back my house,

4,000 pou nds to cover
some su nd ry expenses,

ten sh i lli ngs for the two doors

a nd let's say th reepence
for a celebratory sla p-u p bi nge

at Mrs Migg i ns' Pie Shoppe.

Yes, yes, but fi rst, one q uestion .

Who is the second fig u re?

Who cou ld you have got
to have performed such deeds,

to have gone lower tha n ma n
has ever gone,

to have plu nged
the depths of deg radation

j ust i n order to save you r fi lthy life?

B LACKAD D ER: Ah .

Percy, may I i ntrod uce H is Grace,
the Bishop of Bath a nd Wells.

You r Grace, Lord Percy. Percy,
hei r to the Duchy of N orth u m berla nd .

H ello.

It was lovely worki ng with you .

Take heed the moral of this tale

Be not a borrower or Iender

And ifyour finances do fail

ake sure your banker's not a benderl

BIackadder, BIackadderl

He trusted in the Church

BIackadder, BIackadderl

It Ieft him in the Iurch

BIackadder, BIackadderl

His Iife was almost done

BIackadder, BIackadderl

Who gives a toss? No-onel