Original subtitles

(B ELLS JI N G LE)

Com i ng?

N o.

(B ELLS JI N G LE)

It' ll be a once-i n-a-lifeti me experience !

- N o, it won 't. -Oh .

Everybody's goi ng !

Don 't exaggerate, Percy.

I' m not goi ng, Mrs Migg i ns from the pie shop isn 't goi ng ...

Oh, My Lord, you a re cruel.

You know perfectly well that Mrs Migg i ns is bed-ridden from the nose down .

And besides, she is honou ri ng the occasion i n her own specia l way

by ba ki ng a g reat com memorative pie i n the sha pe of a n enormous pie !

-What a n i mag i nation that woma n has. - (CROWD CH EERS)

CROWD: H u rray!

Oh, come on, Ed m u nd !

The g reatest explorer of ou r age is com i ng home.

The streets have never been so gay.

Women a re la ug h i ng, ch i ld ren a re si ng i ng .

Oh, look, look!

There's a ma n bei ng i ndecently assa u lted by n i ne foreig n sa i lors,

a nd he's sti ll got a sm i le on h is face !

Look, Percy, the retu rn of

Si r Wa lter Oh-What-A- Big-Sh i p-I've-Got Ra leig h,

is a matter of su preme i nd ifference to me.

Look, if you ' re not ca refu l,

a ll the ch i ld ren wi ll da nce a bout outside you r wi ndow,

si ng i ng "sou r puss" a nd "g ru m py face" .

And you wou ld n 't wa nt that, now, wou ld you?

I believe I cou ld su rvive it.

N ow, Percy, wi ll you get out before I cut you r head off,

scoop out the i nsides, a nd g ive it to you r mother as a vase?

What a clot!

The most a bsu rd ly-d ressed creatu re i n Ch ristendom .

With one exception .

My Lord .

Ba ld rick, you look li ke a deer.

Tha n k you, My Lord . You look a bit of a d uckie you rself.

Oh, God . What do you wa nt?

Well, I was wonderi ng if I m ig ht I have the afternoon off?

Of cou rse not! Who do you th i n k you a re, Wat Tyler?

You ca n have the afternoon off when you d ie, not before.

But I wa nt to cheer brave Si r Wa lter home.

Oh, dea r si r, on a day li ke today I feel proud

to be a mem ber of the g reatest ki ngdom i n the world .

And dou btless ma ny other mem bers of the a n i ma l ki ngdom feel the sa me way.

CROWD: H u rray!

Wi ll you sh ut u p!

Bloody explorers!

Ponce off to m u m bo-j u m bo la nd, come home with a tropica l d isease,

a su nta n a nd a bag of brown lu m py th i ngs, a nd Bob's you r u ncle

a nd everyone's got a pictu re of them i n the lavatory!

I mea n, what a bout the people who do a ll the work?

-The serva nts? - N o, me !

I' m the people who do a ll the work.

I mea n, look at th is! What is it?

I' m su rprised you 've forgotten, My Lord .

I haven 't forgotten, it's a rhetorica l q uestion .

- Na h, it's a potato. - Look...

To you it's a potato, to me it's a potato.

But to Si r Wa lter " bloody" Ra leig h,

it's cou ntry estates, fi ne ca rriages,

a nd as ma ny g i rls as h is tong ue ca n cope with .

H e's ma ki ng a fortu ne out of the th i ngs.

People a re smoki ng them, bu i ld i ng houses out of them ...

They' ll be eati ng them next.

-Stra nger th i ngs have ha ppened . -Well, exactly.

-That horse becom i ng Pope. - For one.

(KN OCKI N G AT DOO R)

Oh, God .

Proba bly some berk with a pa rrot on h is shou lder,

selli ng plaster g nomes of Si r Fra nces Dra ke a nd h is golden beh i nd .

CHI LD: (CHANTI N G) Sou r puss, g ru m py face,

sou r puss, g ru m py face, sou r puss, g ru m py face,

sou r puss, g ru m py face, sou r puss, g ru m py face...

CHI LD: (SCREAMS) Mu m my!

And a nother th i ng, why a ren 't you at school?

Ah, Blackadder, sta rted ta lki ng to you rself I see.

Yes, it's the on ly way I ca n be su re of i ntelligent conversation .

What do you wa nt?

Well, I j ust looked i n on my way to the pa lace to welcome Si r Wa lter home.

I wondered if you 'd ca re to accom pa ny me.

I don 't th i n k I' ll bother, actua lly. Th ree hou rs of bluff sea ma n 's ta lk

a bout picki ng the weevi Is out of biscu its a nd d ri n ki ng u ri ne

is not my idea of a good ti me.

As you wish .

Serva nt, my hat.

- Potato? -Tha n ks, I don 't.

I see you haven 't succu m bed to th is fad of d ressi ng u p

li ke ha lf a n a llotment i n N otti ng ha m Forest.

-There you go, My Lord . -Tha n k you .

-You have. -Mm m-h m m .

It's proba bly j ust as well you ' re not com i ng, Blackadder.

You ' re not very popu la r at cou rt at the moment, a nd the Queen a nd I have...

Yes, well, I cou ld proba bly leave th is

-ti ll tomorrow. . . - N o, you shou ld n 't...

- N o, no, no. N o problem . -You ' re a busy ma n ...

N o, I' ll be com i ng with you .

Obviously the Queen a nd I a re goi ng to be

the on ly ones even vag uely sensi bly d ressed .

(KN OCKI N G)

Who is it?

-Melchett, My Lady. - Er, stop!

Close you r eyes.

N ow enter.

Ahoy, there, me sh iveri ng matey heave-ho !

Rig ht. Open you r eyes.

Tha n k you, Majesty. And, erm ...

What's the matter, Melchett?

Well, I beg you r pa rdon, My Lady, I...

I was wa nti ng to g reet the ga lla nt sa i lor who ha llooed me as I ca me i n .

Ooh !

Er, percha nce he has ha u led a nchor a nd sa i led away?

N o, it was me !

Majesty!

Su rely not.

You utter creep.

So, where's th is ba rnacle-bottomed, haddock-flavou red, bi lge rat,

Si r Rather-A-Wa lly Ra leig h, then?

I hea r he's a bout as exciti ng as one of h is potatoes.

Ha-ha ! Blackadder's a frig htfu l old lover, eh, Melch ie?

And i nd u bita bly no sea dog, ma 'a m .

With a yo-ho-ho, a nd, perha ps I m ig ht ventu re,

a bottle of ru m i nto the ba rga i n .

- (ELIZAB ETH GIGG LES) - (WHISTLI N G)

It's h i m !

Oh, God .

Do I look a bsolutely d ivi ne a nd rega l, a nd yet

a nd at the sa me ti me, very pretty a nd rather accessi ble?

You a re every jolly Jack Ta r's d rea m, Majesty.

I thoug ht as m uch .

If he's rea lly gorgeous, I' m th i n ki ng of ma rryi ng h i m .

Ma 'a m, is that not a little rash?

I don 't th i n k so !

It wou ld n 't be you r fi rst little rash if it was.

- ELIZAB ETH : Ooh ! - (WHISTLI N G)

-Majesty! - (AP P LAUS E)

Splice me ti m bers, Si r Wa lter.

It's bucko to see you, old matey!

I' m sorry?

She says, " H ello. "

And, well, she m ig ht. For I have boug ht her g ifts a nd dom i n ions,

beyond her wi ldest d rea ms!

Are you su re?

Well, I have some pretty wi ld d rea ms, you know.

I' m not su re what they mea n, but the other day there was

th is enormous tree a nd I was sitti ng rig ht on top of it...

Ma 'a m .

And then I d rea mt once that I was a sa usage roll...

Majesty.

Sorry.

I' m so excited, I don 't know what I' m sayi ng .

-Yes. -Oh !

Come on, Si r Wa lter. I wa nt to hea r a bout a bsolutely everyth i ng !

Then prepa re to hea r ta les of terri ble ha rdsh i p, end u ra nce a nd woe.

H m m .

Ah !

We set sa i l from Plymouth, i n the spri ng of 1552 .

(YAWNS LOU D LY)

You remem ber Lord Blackadder?

N o.

But I ca n see he is the sort of pasty la nd-lover I have a lways despised .

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Well, q u ite !

Don 't crowd Si r Wa lter, Ed m u nd !

Twice last week, I foug ht i n ha nd-to-ha nd com bat

with a ma n with two heads a nd no body ha i r.

I' ll wa rra nt, the most exciti ng th i ng that has ha ppened to that

li m pid prawn i n a whole yea r

was the day the serva nt forgot to put suga r i n h is porridge.

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Gosh, you 've got n ice legs.

Wh i le I hold the six seas of the world i n my ha nd,

he cou ld n 't even put six gob-stoppers i n h is mouth .

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

H e's a com plete no-hoper, isn 't he, Wa lt?

H e certa i n ly is!

(U P ROARIOUS LAUG HTER)

Oh, my bed room 's j ust u psta i rs, you know.

I a pprehended, Si r Wa lter, that there were on ly seven seas.

Ah, on ly n u merica lly spea ki ng .

We sa i lors do not cou nt the sea a rou nd the Ca pe of Good H ope.

It is ca lled the "Sea of Certa i n Death ",

a nd no sa i lor has crossed it a live.

B LACKAD D ER: Well, well, well. What a n extraord i na ry coi ncidence !

What's a n extraord i na ry coi ncidence?

Oh, it's j ust that I was pla n n i ng a ja u nt

a rou nd the Ca pe of Good H ope myself.

I' m leavi ng a week on Th u rsday, I th i n k.

- Rea lly? -Yes, a nd now that, erm ...

Sorry, I've forgotten you r na me,

has retu rned, a nd the whole cou rt smells of fish,

I've ha lf a m i nd to set off th is afternoon .

If you attem pt that jou rney, you 've no m i nd at a ll.

Or perha ps a m i nd that knows no fea r.

Is that true, Ed m u nd? Do you know no fea r?

Well, yes, I do rather la ug h i n the face of fea r,

twea k the nose of terror.

Gosh, Ed m u nd, I'd forgotten how d ishy you a re.

You 'd never da re.

Why, rou nd the Ca pe, the ra i n beats down so ha rd it ma kes you r head bleed .

So, some sort of hat is proba bly i n order.

And g reat d ragons lea p from the water a nd swa llow sh i ps whole !

I m ust remem ber to pack the la rger of my two sh ri m pi ng nets.

Oh, Ed m u nd, you ' re com pletely wonderfu l.

If you do th is, I' ll proba bly ma rry you .

Oh, yes? And who wi ll be you r ca pta i n?

H m m . To my m i nd, there's on ly one sea-fa rer

with few enoug h ma rbles to attem pt that jou rney.

Ah, yes, a nd who's that?

Why, Ru m, of cou rse ! Ca pta i n Red bea rd Ru m .

Well done ! J ust testi ng .

(ELIZAB ETH GIGG LES)

And where wou ld I fi nd h i m on a Tuesday?

Well, if I remem ber h is ha bits, he's usua lly u p the old sea dog .

Ah, yes, a nd where is the old sea dog?

Well, on Tuesday he's norma lly i n bed with the ca pta i n .

(G RU NTI N G RHYTH MICALLY)

Me ladd ie.

(G RU NTI N G) Indeed !

So, Ru m, I wish to h i re you a nd you r sh i p.

-Ca n we sha ke on it? - (YELLS)

You have a woma n 's ha nd, Me Lord .

I wager these da i nty pi n kies never weig hed a nchor i n a storm .

-Well, you ' re rig ht there. - Ha-ha-ha ! (GAS PS)

You have a woma n 's ski n, Me Lord .

I' ll wager it ne'er felt the lash of the cat,

been ru bbed with sa lt a nd then flayed off by a pi rate ch ief

to ma ke fi ne stocki ngs for h is best ca bi n boy.

Th is is u nca n ny! I don 't know how you do it, but you ' re rig ht aga i n !

Why shou ld I let a stu pid cockle li ke you a boa rd me boat?

Perha ps for the money i n my pu rse.

Ha ! (GAS PS)

You have a woma n 's pu rse, Me Lord !

I' ll wager that pu rse has never been used as a rowi ng boat!

I' ll wager it's never had 16 sh i pwrecked ma ri ners tossi ng i n it.

Yes, well, rig ht aga i n, Ru m . I m ust say,

when it comes to ta les of cou rage,

I ca n see I' m goi ng to have to keep my mouth sh ut.

Oh ! You have a woma n 's mouth, Me Lord .

I wager that mouth never had to chew th roug h the side of a sh i p

to esca pe the d readfu l spi nd ly ki ller fish .

Yes, I m ust say, when I ca me to see you,

I had no idea I was goi ng to have to eat you r sh i p as well as h i re it.

And si nce you ' re clea rly as mad as a mongoose,

I' ll bid you fa rewell.

Da m n cou rtiers to the Queen .

You ' re noth i ng but la p-dogs to a sli p of a g i rl.

Better a la p-dog to a sli p of a g i rl tha n a ...

g it!

Ha-ha !

So you do have some spu n k i n ya !

Don 't worry, ladd ie. I' ll come ! I' ll come !

Well, let us set sa i l as soon as we ca n .

I wi ll fetch my fi rst mate, a nd retu rn as fast as my legs wi ll ca rry me.

Oh, you have a woma n 's legs, Me Lord .

I' ll wager those a re legs that have

never been sliced clea n off by a fa llen sa i l,

a nd swept i nto the sea before you r very eyes.

Well, neither have you rs.

That's where you ' re wrong !

(CRAS H ES)

Oh, my God .

N o poi nt i n cha ng i ng you r m i nd now. N o one else wi ll come.

The whole th i ng 's su icide, a nyway.

What's the fi rst mate's na me?

- Percy. -A na utica l cove?

Yes.

Well, he's a sort of...

wet fish .

I' m not com i ng ! I' m j ust not com i ng !

I mea n, of cou rse I' m very keen to go on the tri p.

It's j ust, u nfortu nately,

I've got a n a ppoi ntment

to have my nostri Is plucked

next yea r.

Oh, I' m sorry, My Lord, I thoug ht it was 'ca use you were a com plete cowa rd .

(S NICKERS)

Don 't be rid icu lous, Ba ld rick! You know me ! I mea n ...

I la ug h i n the face of fea r,

a nd twea k the nose

of the d readfu l spi nd ly ki ller fish .

I' m not one of you r m i Iksops

who's sca red out of h is m i nd by the mere sig ht of water.

(SCREAMS)

Yes, a ll rig ht, I ad m it it! I ad m it it! I' m terrified !

You see, Ba ld rick,

when I was a ba by,

I was savaged by a tu rbot.

(SIG HS)

Oh, Ba ld rick, you ca n 't th i n k of a pla n to get me out of th is, ca n you?

- Er, you cou ld h ide, My Lord . - H ide?

Bri llia nt! Where?

Erm ...

In the box!

-Wh ich one? -That one.

Ah ! Perfect!

All rig ht. Rig ht.

Let's practise.

Rig ht, er, Ed m u nd comes i n a nd says,

" H ello, Ba ld rick, you haven 't seen Percy, have you?"

And you say?

Er, no, My Lord, I haven 't seen h i m a ll day.

- Bri llia nt! - (DOO R S LAMS)

Oh, my God ! H ere he comes!

Oh, hello, Ba lders, where the hell's that creti n, Percy?

You haven 't seen h i m, have you?

Yes, My Lord, he's h id i ng i n the box.

Come on, jelly bra i n .

H u rry u p, otherwise we' ll m iss the tide.

ELIZAB ETH : Oh, Ed m u nd, I' m so proud .

You ' re j ust my com plete hero !

Oh, dea r, I' m goi ng a ll gooey now.

Ma 'a m, I' m moved .

And if d u ri ng my jou rney I cou ld believe

that occasiona lly you 'd spa re me a thoug ht,

a nd perha ps go gooey aga i n,

I wou ld deem my certa i n death a m i nor i nconven ience.

Oh, Ed !

I've written a poem .

Mada m, I a m honou red .

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

"When the n ig ht is da rk

"And the dogs go ' ba rk'

"When the clouds a re black

"And the d ucks go 'q uack'

"When the sky is blue

"And the cows go ' moo' "

ALL: Oh, yes!

"Th i n k of lovely Queen ie

"She' ll be th i n ki ng of you "

- (AP P LAUS E) -MELCH ETT: Oh, bravo !

It's ca lled Edmund.

Sha kespea re gave me a ha nd with the title,

but the rest is a ll my own work.

Tush a nd fie, my tidd ly!

You d id n 't a lways ma ke such pretty speeches.

Oh, Lord .

'Tis but the twi n kli ng of a toe si nce you cou ld say

noth i ng but, " Lizzie go plop, plop. Lizzie go. . . "

Oh, put a bag i n it, N u rsie.

N ow, I' m su re that Melch ie a nd, er,

Wa lly, wa nt to say someth i ng as well.

Oh, yes, i ndeed !

(CH UCKLES)

Good bye, Blackadder.

I'd say bon voyage, but there's no poi nt.

You ' ll be dead i n th ree months.

I love you, Wa lter. I hope you know that.

(SI R WAER CH UCKLES)

Fa rewell, Blackadder.

The foremost ca rtog ra phers of the la nd have prepa red th is for you .

It's a ma p of the a rea that you ' ll be traversi ng .

They'd be very g ratefu l if you cou ld j ust fi ll it i n as you go a long .

Good bye.

(RUM YELLI N G)

What's that?

To Ti lbu ry, me hea rties!

The wi nd is i n the sa i Is,

the oa rs a re i n the rowlocks,

a nd we m ust away!

Lady, it is my ca pta i n . Long on bea rd, short on legs.

Oh, Ca pta i n,

I wish you luck from the bottom of my hea rt.

You have a woma n 's bottom, My Lady.

I' ll wager that sweet rou nd pa i r of peaches

has never been forced twixt two spli ntered pla n ks,

to plug a lea k, a nd save a sh i p.

Certa i n ly hasn 't, a nd I' m q u ite pleased a bout it!

Anyway, what's wrong with women 's bottoms?

N ot big enoug h, ma 'a m .

(EXCITED ) Ah ...

Mi ne m ig ht be !

Ah !

In that case, my little pudd i n ' of delig ht,

let's beat a bout the bush no longer.

I know I' m on ly a bluff old cove with no legs,

a nd a bea rd you ca n lose a badger i n,

but if you ' ll ta ke me, I' m wi lli ng to be ca pta i n of you r sh i p forever.

What d 'ya say?

Ooh, ha-ha ! Yes, please !

I' ll be back! We' ll a ll be back! (YELLI N G)

Ed m u nd, then th is is it!

Oh . Mua h, m ua h .

Have you got clea n u nderwea r?

And don 't eat foreig n food, a nd watch out for stra nge men .

And d iscover me a cou ntry a nd bri ng me back a vegeta ble a nd oh ...

Everyth i ng .

Mada m, I sha ll do a ll I ca n .

Fa rewell!

And, er, don 't wa it u p.

Gosh !

Well, that's the last we' ll see of h i m .

In th ree months' ti me, he' ll be dead as a ...

dead dodo. H m m .

Oh, Si r Wa lter, rea lly.

H o-ho-ho ! Si r Wa lter, rea lly!

Ha rr-ha rr!

Ha-ha rr!

Aa-ha rr-ha rr-ha rr!

N ot joi n i ng us i n the " ha-ha rrs", Percy?

N o.

I' m th i n ki ng of Eng la nd a nd the g i rl I left beh i nd me.

Oh, God . I d id n 't know you had a g i rl.

Oh, yes, Lady Ca roli ne Fa i rfax.

Ca roli ne ! I d id n 't know you knew her.

Oh, yes. I even touched her once.

Touched her what?

H er, once, i n a corridor.

I've never hea rd it ca lled that before.

When you get home i n six months, you ' ll be a hero.

She m ig ht even let you get you r ha nds on her twice.

I fea r not.

Why not?

Beca use we' ll never get home ! We' re doomed ! Doomed !

Condem ned to a watery g rave with a ca pta i n who's leg less.

Ru bbish ! I've ha rd ly touched a d rop!

N o, no, no. I mea n, you haven 't got a ny legs.

Oh, yes. You ' re rig ht there. Ca rry on . Sorry.

Oh, God !

We've got no hope. N o hope of ever retu rn i ng !

On the contra ry, we a re certa i n to retu rn .

-What? - Beca use, me old sa lts,

we a re not goi ng to the Ca pe of Good H ope at a ll.

ALL: What?

We a re, i n fact, goi ng to Fra nce.

ALL: Fra nce?

Oh, but, Ed m u nd, su rely Fra nce has a lready been d iscovered .

By the French for a sta rt.

Precisely! It's a trick.

We j ust ca m p down i n the Dordog ne for six months,

get a good su n ta n, come home,

pretend we've been rou nd the ca pe, a nd get a ll the g lory!

H u rray!

A masterly pla n, me you ng master!

And one that leads me to ma ke a n a n nou ncement meself.

-What's that, Ru m? -Truth is,

I don 't know the way to the Ca pe of Good H ope a nyways.

-Well, what were you goi ng to do? -Oh, what I usua lly do.

Sa i l rou nd a nd rou nd the Isle of Wig ht ti ll everyone gets d izzy

a nd head for home.

You old rasca l!

Sti ll, who ca res? The day after tomorrow, we sha ll be i n Ca la is.

-Ca pta i n, set sa i l for Fra nce ! -ALL: H u rray!

So, you don 't know the way to Fra nce either?

N o.

I m ust confess that, too.

Bugger!

H e's on ly been gone th ree days a nd I' m m issi ng h i m a lready.

Well, perha ps, ma 'a m,

I m ig ht a m use you sti ll fu rther with ta les of my adventu res.

Li ke what?

Perha ps you wou ld you li ke to hea r the one a bout the mad pi rate ki ng

whose crew consisted enti rely of men ca lled Roger?

H ea rd it.

Oh ! Ah ...

Well, maybe I cou ld d istract you

with the ta le of the ti me I fell i nto the water

a nd was a lmost eaten by a ha m merhead sha rk.

Yes, a ll rig ht. Try that one.

Well, ma 'a m ...

I fell i nto the water,

a nd was a lmost eaten by a sha rk.

And the fu n ny th i ng is,

its head was exactly the sa me sha pe as a ha m mer. (LAUG HS)

Oh, God !

You 'd better come u p with some presents

or I' m goi ng to go off explorers com pletely you know.

Ma 'a m?

And I' ll tell you someth i ng else.

Ed m u nd was rig ht. You do smell of fish .

Pooey!

(ARGUMENTATIVE BAB B LE)

Look, look. There's no need to pa n ic.

Someone i n the crew wi ll know how to steer th is th i ng .

The crew, Me Lord?

Yes, the crew.

What crew?

I was u nder the i m pression that it was com mon ma riti me practise

for a sh i p to have a crew.

Opi n ion is d ivided on the su bject.

-Oh, rea lly? -Yes.

All the other ca pta i ns say it is, I say it isn 't.

Oh, God, mad as a brush .

Si r Wa lter's death wa rra nt for you r sig natu re, Majesty.

Oh . Good .

Any news of Ed m u nd?

Well, mada m, if they' re on cou rse, they shou ld be nea ri ng the, er,

u ri ne d ri n ki ng stage by now.

Don 't be horrid, Melch ie.

Ed m u nd wou ld rather d ie.

I fea r that may be wishfu l th i n ki ng, Majesty.

(KN OCK AT DOO R)

Enter.

So soon?

You sa id today.

Yes, well, I' m not feeli ng very th i rsty at the moment.

I mea n . . . I mea n, I had a n eggcu p fu ll of stag na nt water th ree weeks ago.

Oh, a ll rig ht. Come on, let's get on with it.

Sha ll we d ri n k each other's, or stick to ou r own?

- Ba ld rick! -Sorry, My Lord .

Is Ca pta i n Ru m joi n i ng us for th is

" bri ng-a-sa m ple pa rty" or is he sitti ng th is one out?

Oh, no, he's been swigg i ng h is for ages. H e says he li kes it.

Actua lly, come to th i n k of it, he sta rted before the water ra n out.

Oh, God ! Well, let's get on with it.

It's a lways the sa me, isn 't it?

You get a ll keyed u p a nd then you ca n 't go !

P ERCY: I ca n 't do it.

I've done two bottles.

All rig ht then, pou r it out. Come on .

That it shou ld come to th is, d ri n ki ng Ba ld rick's water.

-Say when . -When .

Down the hatch .

CAPTAI N RUM: La nd a hoy!

(BOAT HITTI N G LAN D)

Ah, Fra nce, at last!

Me you ng master, th roug h fa i r wi nds a nd fi ne sea ma nsh i p,

ou r vessel is once more edged u p on the shores of Old Blig hty.

ALL: H u rray!

By a lucky cha nce, we've la nded at Southa m pton dock.

-ALL: H u rray! - Fa re thee well!

Last one off the old sea dog gets a lick of the cat.

(TRO PICAL BI RD CAWS)

Don 't look m uch li ke Southa m pton to me, My Lord .

-What? -Well, those strea ms of molten lava,

a nd that stea m i ng ma ng rove swa m p.

(TRI BAL D RUMMI N G)

And that crowd of beckon i ng natives ru bbi ng thei r tu m m ies

a nd poi nti ng to a la rge pot.

Oh, God !

Where a re they now?

Well, mada m, if they haven 't been eaten by ca n n i ba Is,

they shou ld be back a ny m i n ute now.

Ma 'a m !

ELIZAB ETH : Ed m u nd, you ' re a live !

Oh, yes.

-And you r si lly friend . - Lord Percy, ma 'a m .

-And you r mon key! -You r Majesty.

-Ah, but where is Ca pta i n Ru m? - Er, bad news, My Lady.

Ru m is dead .

N ooo !

Do not despa i r, good woma n . H e d ied a hero's death,

g ivi ng h is life that h is friends m ig ht live.

And that h is enem ies m ig ht have someth i ng to go with thei r potatoes.

Do you mea n they put h i m i n the pot?

Yes, you r fia ncé was on ly a th i rd-rate sa i lor, but a fi rst-rate second cou rse.

N ooo ! (SO B BI N G)

H owever, we d id ma nage to save someth i ng of h i m as a memento.

-So. -Oh !

My lucky sta rs! I sha ll wea r it a lways to rem i nd me of h i m !

H owever, ma 'a m, I a m . . . I a m now retu rned,

a nd my m i nd ca n not help remem beri ng ta lk of wedd i ng bells.

N o, I' m com pletely bored with explorers,

a nd if you haven 't broug ht me a ny presents,

I' m goi ng to have you executed .

-Ma 'a m? - (LAUG HS)

I on ly let Ra leig h off beca use he blu bbed on h is way to the block.

Presents, please !

Ah, yes, ma 'a m . Erm ...

Yes, well, there was one th i ng, ma 'a m .

-Good . -A most extraord i na ry g ift,

from the isla nd pa rad ise we visited .

H u rry u p!

Ah .

-What is it? -A stick.

Is it a stick, Lord Blackadder?

Ah, yes, ma 'a m, but it's a very specia l stick,

beca use when you th row it away, it comes back!

(ELIZAB ETH GIGG LES)

Oh, well, that's no good, is it?

Beca use when I th row th i ngs away I don 't wa nt them to come back!

You !

-Get rid of it. - Erm, certa i n ly, ma 'a m .

What else have you broug ht?

Erm, yes, well, there was very little ti me,

what with picki ng weevi Is out of biscu its...

Melchett, what d id I do with that spa re death wa rra nt?

-MELCH ETT: Well, I. . . - (G RU NTI N G)

(LAUG HS)

Oh, Ed m u nd, it's wonderfu l. (LAUG HS)

But what a bout Melch ie a nd Ra leig h?

You m ust have broug ht someth i ng for them as well.

B LACKAD D ER: Er...

N u rsie's got her bea rd, I've got my stick.

What a bout the two boys?

Erm, yes!

Yes, erm . . . Well, there was...

- Er, there was one th i ng, ma 'a m . - ELIZAB ETH : Good .

A fi ne wi ne from the Fa r East,

a most delicious beverage.

Have a taste, boys. Tell us what you th i n k.

Oh, it certa i n ly has plenty of nose !

Oh, yes, th is is very fa m i lia r.

I' m su re you ' ll be g lad to hea r that there is a n i nexha usti ble su pply

of the stuff.

Sir Francis and Sir Walter had

Discovered new worlds and new nations

And though BIackadder thought them mad

He tried his hand at navigation

BIackadder, BIackadder

He saw the oceans foam

BIackadder, BIackadder

He should have stayed at home

BIackadder, BIackadder

He heard the New World call

BIackadder, BIackadder

Discovered bugger alll