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Wbc dateline news,
bringing you all the news
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00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,639
that's news this summer's morning.
I'm Jay garrick, hope you are too.
3
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,879
First, news of America's horrifying
nuclear deterrent, the "quark bomb".
4
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,799
Formerly known
as the Johnny cyclops bomb
5
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,559
after the president of the same name.
6
00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:48,799
We're just getting
reports in from the Pentagon
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00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,279
that none of these terrifying
bombs has just been stolen.
8
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,679
Weeping tears of joy
as he announced the news this morning,
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00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,519
captain mendel krybotnik denied
suggestions that one of the bombs
10
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,999
had been stolen by
an international terrorist group,
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00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,999
possibly the PLO or black
September movement,
12
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,999
but he couldn't say
which one for certain.
13
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,079
Asked whether the bomb,
if it had been stolen,
14
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,439
could be easily activated,
15
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,359
captain krybotnik was rushed to hospital
16
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,159
suffering from an old war wound.
17
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,359
Meanwhile, we asked
for the reaction of the Soviet union.
18
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,320
Speaks Russian
19
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,759
Sakharov!
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00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,040
They continue on in Russian
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00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,319
He chuckles, gasps
22
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,680
he exclaims
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00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,080
applause
24
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,360
They continue in Russian
25
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:47,240
She interrupts in Russian
26
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,640
he sighs
27
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,960
quark bomba!
28
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,880
Bomba Johnny cyclops!
29
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,719
Amerikanskiy prezident!
30
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,920
He moans in Russian
31
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:29,120
Dialogue continues in Russian
32
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,599
yes, all is well so far.
33
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:39,759
Of course, getting it from here
in Nevada to the middle east...
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00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,759
Will not be easy.
35
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,399
But I hope think there is one
man who can pull it off for us.
36
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,759
His name is lacrobat.
37
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,239
Many call him "the devil".
38
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,079
No, I have not actually met him.
39
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:56,599
But he has sent, erm...
40
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,680
A demo tape.
41
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,079
Apparently, it contains, um,
42
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,319
some testimonials from
people who have employed him.
43
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,120
Look,
I will watch it now and call you back.
44
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,679
Exaggerated south
African accent: Hello there.
45
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,479
My name is vik grugerwarden,
46
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:24,599
of forrsdorb, sneek, parkburg,
edam, grugerwarden and dyke -
47
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,159
the famous joburg banking corporation.
48
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:32,239
You know, in a job like banking,
good mercenaries are essential.
49
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:37,159
And that's why I always
plump for lacrobat. The devil.
50
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:40,639
Some people call him "the
man of a thousand faces".
51
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,679
And it's not hard to see why.
52
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:48,919
When I first hired him
in '67 to stir things up a tiny bit
53
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:53,439
in Nigeria,
he was posing as Moses mvindi,
54
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,719
a black African early
islamic pottery consultant
55
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,599
with prostate trouble.
56
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,959
A truly brilliant cover.
57
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:05,519
If it's mercenaries you're after,
lacrobat's your man.
58
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:11,159
Exaggerated Indian accent: Hello.
My name is prakash ranji-singji,
59
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:15,039
of armitrage, engineer, patel,
Ganges and poppadom,
60
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,999
and I'm delighted to
be able to recommend
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00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,679
this excellent lacrobat fellow.
Oh, not half.
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00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:26,759
Oh, yes, governments toppled,
hundreds installed, arms smuggled,
63
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:30,039
or even for that very
special assassination,
64
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:33,759
why not try lacrobat?
The dirty tricks specialist.
65
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,439
Only one five-minute telephone
call from this videocassette,
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00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,239
he's really tremendous.
67
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,999
"The man of a thousand faces",
they call him.
68
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:47,919
And I specially recommend number 602
69
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:52,199
he used for both the pope jobs in 1978.
70
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:55,759
Lance bombardier Janet
'babyface' Von Bismarck.
71
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,279
Exaggerated Swedish accent: Hallo,
my name's olaf jokkmokk
72
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:02,079
and I am Swedish. Clank
73
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,399
oh, dear,
I've dropped the keys to my Volvo!
74
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,159
I work for a well-known
firm of Swedish dentists,
75
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:11,799
at carlsburg, johanssen,
vasternig, gottland and sveg,
76
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,759
and I first met mr
lacrobat last December,
77
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:18,359
to get an estimate
for the liquidation of John mcenroe.
78
00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,359
Since only then,
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00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:25,119
while impersonating the right
honourable mouthsay rosenthaal,
80
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,239
a diabetic headmaster from Kathmandu,
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00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,679
he has wiped out three entire
firms of rival dental surgeons
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00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,679
for us here in Stockholm.
83
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,279
Oh, yes, I always use lacrobat.
84
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,239
Hello?
85
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:46,439
Well, yes, he is a little, er...
strange.
86
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:48,519
But I think we can trust him.
87
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:52,399
'By the way,
do I ever tell him who he is working for?'
88
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,000
under no circumstances.
89
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,759
Well, boys and girls, we did it.
90
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,839
The last convoy of yank
missiles leaves tomorrow.
91
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,279
What's the matter, Dave? You seem tense.
92
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:10,800
Tense?! Me, kev? No!
93
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:16,719
Jolly good. Incidentally,
I trust neither of you has said a word
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00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,000
to anyone about, um...
95
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,519
Oh, Jerusalem.
We thought it best not to, kev.
96
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,800
That's the ticket.
I wonder where the tea lady's got to.
97
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,559
Hello! Great Britain, can you hear me?
98
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,999
You've elected
a loony as prime minister!
99
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,920
Have you gone stonking mad?
100
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,799
I've got enough on my
hands here with one mental case!
101
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,599
I don't what came over me.
102
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,239
Well, try and get a grip of yourself.
103
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:46,639
I can't bottle it up much longer.
104
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,999
All right, boys and girls.
She's just coming.
105
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:54,439
Kev, I've been thinking.
This disarmament's all very well,
106
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,199
but we've got to be careful
we don't just let the Russians
107
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,199
get in by the back door.
108
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,240
I mean, um...
109
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:06,639
I've already heard the kgb
110
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,919
are stepping up their
undercover operations here.
111
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,680
Rubbish.
112
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:17,319
You're worrying unnecessarily.
113
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,759
All the same, there are certain
things we should keep to ourselves.
114
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,599
The fact that the shah of
Iran is still alive, for instance.
115
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,839
I mean, he's right, kev.
116
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,319
We don't want to start another world war,
do we?
117
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,559
No problem.
I shall just use my super strength
118
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:35,080
to push britain out of the way
and then the bombs would miss us.
119
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,480
Are you all right, Dave?
120
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:42,639
You know, sometimes I wonder
121
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:45,959
whether you really
believe I am Superman at all.
122
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,640
Well, it... oh, ye of little faith.
123
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,279
Are these important?
124
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,360
Begging letters from the royal family.
125
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:04,080
I will now demonstrate the scorching
effect of my super heat vision.
126
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:09,359
Holy Fisher of men! He did it!
127
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,200
Good lord, is that the time? I must fly.
128
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,239
He did it! It's true!
He really is Superman!
129
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:18,760
Oh, shut up!
130
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,119
Try again, mr president.
131
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:34,719
All right. Hello, your imperial majesty.
132
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:40,119
This is the president of the united...
oh, I feel silly.
133
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,599
If the lord had meant us to be sensible,
134
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,359
he would never have
given us credit cards.
135
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,799
How am I supposed to
conduct American foreign affairs
136
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,839
through a parrot?
I mean, it's unconstitutional.
137
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,799
Mr president.
138
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,759
Salam El rassid is not just a parent.
139
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,639
He is the shah of Iran's parent.
140
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:03,279
Everything you say to this bird,
he will repeat word for word
141
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,759
to his beloved master, and nobody else.
142
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,519
But are we sure he'll find
the shah on this cross-channel ferry?
143
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:13,119
Once released at Dover,
he will fly straight to the boat,
144
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,240
faster than the lord to a leper!
145
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:19,519
Your imperial majesty,
you may have noticed
146
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:23,719
that I am sending this message
to you by means of a parrot.
147
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,479
That is because what I am about to say
148
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:30,039
is of such a highly
sensitive and confid...
149
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,319
Are you sure he's getting all this?
150
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,639
Well, the situation is this.
151
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,680
The quark bomb has not
been stolen by a terrorist.
152
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,919
We stole it ourselves.
153
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:48,239
And then gave it to a terror...
oh, I don't...
154
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:51,599
There's no turning back now, sir.
We have now secretly arranged...
155
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,319
Hello. It's me again.
156
00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:58,959
We have now secretly arranged
for an international mercenary,
157
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,599
known as "the devil"... parrot grunts
158
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,799
to report home to
one of your men in Iran.
159
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,479
So that when the time comes,
160
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,479
armed with the world's
most powerful deterrent,
161
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,759
you will easily regain
your rightful perch.
162
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,639
Now...
163
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:20,239
We hope to have you
off that ferry very soon.
164
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:25,439
The rest, mr president. Oh... aw, gee.
165
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,959
Bird grunts ps...
166
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:33,999
I would now be very
grateful if you would...
167
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,440
Eat me.
168
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,959
You know what to do.
Take the bird straight to Dover.
169
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,719
Have faith in the good book,
mr president,
170
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,040
for with the good book,
we can accomplish anything.
171
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,880
Made out to cash!
172
00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,039
'There is mounting concern
over the missing quark bomb,
173
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,319
'formerly known
as the "Johnny cyclops bomb"
174
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,999
'after the president of the same name.
175
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,759
'The bomb, described as two metres long
176
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,359
'with a diameter of 85 centimetres,
177
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,160
'has the explosive power of 50
conventional nuclear devices.'
178
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,560
Siren blares
179
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,960
All right, scoundrel, out you get!
180
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,479
Slowly.
181
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,199
Goodness me,
was I exceeding the permitted speed limit?
182
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,840
Ok, where's the circus?
183
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,719
Oh, I see. You just want directions?
184
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,479
Well, I'm afraid I'm a stranger...
cut the crap.
185
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,559
Don't you know you
can get ten years in a pen
186
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,079
on a porno rap in this here state?
187
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,319
Oh, no, officer. This isn't pornography!
188
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:08,799
Well, it sure ain't a tootsie roll.
No, no...
189
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,839
This is a rare Peruvian palace
of aztec origin, originally erected
190
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,959
at the time of pisale's
conquest of alahuampa.
191
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,639
This your wagon?
No, no, no, this is leased to me
192
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:22,039
by the firm of wattage, flak,
ellsberg, Martin and malvolio.
193
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,039
You wanna see my driving licence?
194
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,319
Duly made out in the name of
gladstone ganymede princewell,
195
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,280
sabbatic of palaeontology.
196
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,399
Where are you headed?
Well, the airport, sir.
197
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,519
I have to convey this treasure to
the British museum, London, england.
198
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,199
Britain, Europe.
I know where britain is.
199
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:45,719
I have here the relevant documentation,
signed,
200
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,039
as you can see,
by professors venables, pilger,
201
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:52,200
tatlock, aramis and dans, exchanged...
202
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:59,559
"To whom it may concern,
professor princewell is a qualified...
203
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,920
"Ar-ar... vist..." Archivist.
204
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:10,119
"Specialising in the ancient incan...
or-ography..."
205
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,880
Incan iconography.
206
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:17,399
"And fully authorised to
drive a giant dong about."
207
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,919
So, if you're quite satisfied,
I'll be on my way.
208
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,319
You know how long customs
take over this kind of thing.
209
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,000
Oh, no, you don't.
210
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,440
You must think I'm a right maroon.
211
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,679
I wouldn't let you be seen
in the terminal with a thing like this!
212
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,879
I'll get one of my boys to slip
you through the security screen
213
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,360
and load it up early.
Before it causes a riot.
214
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,999
You're really most terribly kind, sir.
215
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,799
Got anything we can cover it up with?
216
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,400
Well...
217
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,399
There's this rollneck sweater.
218
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,319
I think we'd better keep it Jewish.
219
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,720
Keep it Jewish? Follow me.
220
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,399
Bong
221
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,599
newsreader: The hunt
for the stolen quark bomb.
222
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,879
Police raid a cafe in Brixton.
223
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:12,239
Cyclops tells Americans to use less oil.
224
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,199
Sammy Davis junior
lays off six hairdressers.
225
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,159
And the entente cordiale.
Britain's foreign secretary
226
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,799
gets a warm reception as he arrives
for top-level talks at the kremlin.
227
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,479
Yes, we are very much
approved of your new policy
228
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,119
towards the Americans. Oh, good.
229
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:34,999
We love the way you, how you say,
kick them in the bollocks.
230
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:39,759
Well, we felt that...
Piss all over them.
231
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,640
Yes. Yes. Mr dubienkin... sit down.
232
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:57,159
It's the first time you
have visited Russia, is it not?
233
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:03,520
Yes, actually. Well, this is a steak.
234
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,079
Prime cut, topside.
235
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,920
Feel it.
236
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:18,000
And I can promise you
it's not the only one we have.
237
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:23,799
In Russia, we have... ho-ho!
238
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:28,639
..Dozens of steaks like these. Doz-ens.
239
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:33,439
Yeah, but this is our
country's most popular dish of all.
240
00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:37,520
Ah, salt. Da. Finest quality. Try it.
241
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,639
Most people in Russia
refuse to eat anything else.
242
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,680
Delicious.
243
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:59,959
By lucky coincidence, we have
more than 800 billion tonnes of it.
244
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,719
So Russia is a fortunate country,
is she not?
245
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,679
If we might turn to policy discussion...
246
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:06,879
Forgive me.
247
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,759
What the united
kingdom is really aiming at
248
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:15,239
is a kind of neutral posture...
When the world war comes,
249
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:21,839
all neutral countries will have
same options as that piece of steak.
250
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,879
Rare, medium or well done.
251
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:29,519
Neutral countries
are no friends of Russia!
252
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:34,159
Ne-e-e-eutral countries
keep secrets from us.
253
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,759
Secrets? Secrets!
254
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:40,479
Like the American plan to
restore new shah of Iran to power.
255
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,839
Er... I don't think I'm quite with you.
256
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,719
Mm.
257
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:50,919
Even now, we have two of
America's top agents under interrogation.
258
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:55,119
They will tell us where
the new shah of Iran is hiding.
259
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:58,439
Everyone knows the new
shah of Iran is dead, sir.
260
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:03,919
If this imperialistic adventurism
in the middle east leads to a war,
261
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,280
neutral countries...
262
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,679
Yes, but that won't happen,
will it, sir?
263
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,360
Because the shah is dead, isn't he?
264
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,399
On tape: 'There are certain
things we should keep to ourselves.
265
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,440
'The fact that the shah of
Iran is still alive, for instance.'
266
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:27,480
I wonder if you have ever
considered joining the Warsaw pact.
267
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:30,839
Believe me, mr president,
268
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,159
we will get mr and mrs hopper
out of that Russian prison cell.
269
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,039
There's no way this plan can fail.
270
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:41,119
First of all, we airdrop 28
Filipino hookers into the compound
271
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,799
to keep the kgb occupied.
272
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,559
Should the area commander be around,
273
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:47,159
we'll also have a faggot
in a wetsuit on standby.
274
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,239
Next, we keep the Soviet radar busy
275
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,639
with a plague of locusts over volgograd.
276
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,959
I've checked with bug warfare
and they tell me they can get
277
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,599
20 swarms there, worthy no sweat.
As a further distraction,
278
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,799
I will personally strap my
body to a neutron bomb.
279
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,439
Mr grodd... mr president.
280
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:05,519
I'm sure you've taken a lot of
trouble over this rescue plan,
281
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,919
but I really don't...
I failed you, sir. Don't worry,
282
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,799
I won't embarrass you a moment longer.
283
00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:12,399
No! No! Not here, mr grodd.
284
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,279
Perhaps we could just
hear your next suggestion?
285
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,919
Certainly, sir.
Operation big store, sir.
286
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,759
A team of Cubans flood
the Armenian water supply with ex-lax.
287
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,879
While everyone is in the John...
no, I don't think so.
288
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,159
Er... operation duck soup, sir.
289
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,519
The CIA circulate rigged polaroids
290
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,999
showing dubienkin as a child molester.
291
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,119
No! No!
292
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:38,599
A lie for a lie, a truth for a truth,
mr president.
293
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,599
We are talking about
the salvation of two American citizens.
294
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,919
How about you take a chopper
over from one of our bases in Turkey?
295
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,599
We could cause a diversion
with an Anthrax attack on Tokyo.
296
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:54,079
No diversions!
Just you and a few apes in a helicopter.
297
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:59,079
The Israelis did it and we have
an entire testament to play with!
298
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,839
Very well, mr president.
But if I'm caught, I'll insist
299
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,439
I was doing it all off my own bat.
300
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,039
There's nothing they
can do to make me talk!
301
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,719
They can put burning needles
down my fingernails. Thank you.
302
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:11,639
They can shove a red-hot,
hard-boiled egg right up my...
303
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:12,839
Thank you, mr grodd!
304
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,159
If you'd like me to leave
my tiddlies as collateral...
305
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,639
Just go and get on with it!
306
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,679
For the last time, mr hopper,
307
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:23,079
you think I have just fallen off
the top of the Christmas tree?
308
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,839
I know that you
are an undercover CIA agent!
309
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,599
I demand that you tell me what
America is up to in the middle east!
310
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:34,160
Otherwise you can wave
goodbye to both your hands!
311
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,759
Sir, if you cut them off,
how can he wave goodbye?
312
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,679
Shut up!
313
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,159
God have mercy on me.
314
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,039
I cannot tell you what we don't know!
315
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,599
Right,
we'll see if this changes your mind.
316
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,840
Smashing
317
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:01,960
I thought I asked for one
with a rubber handle.
318
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,239
It had a rubber handle, commissar.
319
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,679
It didn't have a nonslip, easy-grip,
tight rubber handle, did it?!
320
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:12,160
They ran out in the stores, commissar.
321
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,959
Shut up!
322
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,479
Fortunately,
I have a spare one in my locker.
323
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,119
I will go and get it.
324
00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:24,799
And don't think you
are going to get away with this!
325
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,560
He spits
326
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:33,159
lieutenant... I've got an itch
in my leg's fair driving me loco.
327
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:36,079
Would you just scratch it for me?
328
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,119
You know the kgb regulations.
329
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:41,639
All itches must be scratched
only by the commissar.
330
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,959
Please?
331
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:47,360
Which leg is it?
332
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,239
He groans
333
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,480
commie bastard!
334
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,559
Should be approaching the kgb
compound in ten minutes, sir.
335
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,119
Make it five! This country stinks!
336
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,720
Yes, sir.
337
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,840
Tapping morse code
338
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,639
god damn CIA - gone to lunch!
339
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,760
Let's get out of here.
340
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,359
If I'm not back in five minutes,
don't wait!
341
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:41,039
Just get the hell out of here!
Roger, sir.
342
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,200
Engine spluttering now, see if we can...
343
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:51,679
Jesus Christ! We're almost out of gas!
344
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,319
I knew this was gonna happen.
345
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,919
I was only following government policy,
sir.
346
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,159
Government policy?
What the hell are you talking about?
347
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:03,520
Fuel conservation, sir!
I only filled the tank halfway up!
348
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,079
Spluttering
349
00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,399
shi-i-i-i-i-it!
350
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,040
Right, you got the keys? Yep.
351
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,639
Gunshot
352
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,439
ha-ha!
Long live the United States of America!
353
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:23,239
Clank
354
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,880
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