All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S02E09.Charbroiled.720p.WEB.DL.DD5.1.H.264.QUEENS.Eng

- I just want to tell you,
Johnny,

straight out of the gate,

that I'm honored
that you even thought

to invite me to the barbecue,

so thank you.

- Everyone from work's invited,
Brian.

- And my dad
and most of Theresa's family.

- And--and I know that
you're gonna be juggling

a lot of plates,

and I don't want to add one more

scintilla of stress
to the situation.

- Scintilla?

What are you--
spit it out.

- Can I bring Gabby?

- Of course you can.

The more, the merrier.

I'm busting out my new grill

that my dad got us
as a housewarming gift.

- It arrived?
- Yesterday. It's huge.

It's like the biggest grill
I've ever seen.

- [Laughs]
Look at you.

Lit up like a kid on Christmas.

- [Laughs]
Honestly, I can't stop smiling.

My cheeks hurt.

That's how happy I am
about this grill.

[Laughs]

- Chicago north,
multiple ambulances needed,

Clark and Addison.

- Ugh, Wrigleyville.

- Cubs and Sox.
[Siren wails]

Ambulance 14 responding.

You know who won?
- It doesn't matter.

It's gonna be a group
of happy drunk assholes

pissing off a group
of unhappy drunk assholes.

- Cubs 4 to 3.

- Oh, there we go.

- Whoo!

[Crowd cheering]

- Yeah, whoo, guys, whoo.

Oh, yeah, ambulance.

Ambulance.
- Yeah, hey.

Yes, ha, ha!
Hi.

- Big red box.
Big red box.

- Oh, man.

Oh, this is gonna be
a lot of fun.

- Yeah, isn't it?

[Crowd cheering]

- How bad they get this time,
Andy?

- Ah, pretty light.
Both teams sucked this season.

So might be
five or six busted-up hands,

three concussions,
a broken nose or two.

We only got a few ambos,

so you might be hauling
a full boat.

- Okay.
- Screw the Cubs.

- White Sox stink.

[Air hisses]

- Get the hell out of here.

- It's nice to see traditions

being handed down
to the next generation.

- Yeah, I love this town.

- [Laughs]

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- Do you have to be drunk
to enter the stadium?

- Cubs are a goddamn
embarrassment to this city.

- Okay, fellas,
let's keep it breezy.

- We're an embarrassment?

Are you so concussed
that you can't remember

that your team intentionally
threw a world series for money?

- Come on, guys,
give it a rest.

- Last time you won,
106 years ago.

Think about that.

The last time the Cubs
won the world series,

our army still rode horses
into battle.

- Enough.

Though, sadly, it's true.

- Also, Wrigley's
a very effeminate ballpark.

- Okay, now I know
his brain is bruised,

because Wrigley
is an American classic.

- All that girly Ivy
on the walls?

Why don't you just hang
some plants in the dugout,

paint the infield dirt fuchsia,

and complete the whole
chick apartment experience?

- Hey, I'm gonna
pull this rig over

if you two don't shut up.

- He started it.

- He really did, John.
- Hey.

[Both grunt]
- shit.

- Even their fans can't hit
what they're swinging at.

- Yeah, funny, funny.

You know what I like
about cellular park?

Nothing.

- At least we don't hand out
tissues on the way out.

- I really don't get
why people need to fight.

We're all part of the same team,

the city of Chicago,

which is part of a larger team

known as the United States
of America,

which is just one part
of team earth,

and beyond that,

you have the intergalactic
federation of planets,

even though there's currently
no proof that it exists.

- There is if you read
the right publications.

We'll sidebar about this later.

- It's in our nature to find
differences in each other.

It's how we define ourselves.

There's no us without a them,

black, white;
North side, south side;

rich, poor;
Fat, skinny.

Personally, I find
the whole thing exhausting.

At this point in my life,

I've divided the world
into two groups:

People who fish
and fish.

- [Chuckles]

Brian, people will fight
about anything.

- The only way
people ever come together

is when they find
a common enemy.

- I used to work in this
warehouse when I was in college.

Everyone in shipping
hated everyone in receiving,

and the only thing
they could all agree on

was everyone in sales
was an asshole.

- Well, they are,

because they think
that whatever they want,

it can just magically appear
whenever they want it,

even if it's been backordered
for three doggone months.

- Did you work in shipping,
Brian?

- Auto parts.

A lot of our stuff had to come
all the way from Japan.

- Well, you're gonna see
a classic "us versus them" thing

in action at my barbecue
this weekend.

My dad's gonna be there
and Theresa's dad,

a fireman and a cop.

It's gonna be a constant fight
all day long.

- That shit is ancient,
tribal,

which makes no goddamn sense,

since 80% of both of those crews
are Irish.

- And as we all know,
the Irish have never found

a single thing
to fight each other over.

- Are there any subjects
we should stay clear of?

- All of them.

- Men sitting around a fire,

stoking big embers of hatred,

their darkest natures
on full display.

- I get it
if you don't want to come.

- Are you kidding me?

I'm gonna be there early.

- Gracias, papi.

Yo, t, your dad is super excited
about the barbecue.

It's, like,
all he can think about.

- Really?
- Mm.

- You talked to my dad?

- No, he texted me.

- You text with my dad?

- You don't?

- No, I didn't even know
he could text.

- Yeah, I taught him.

It wasn't easy, though.
He's got big fingers.

- I've been trying to get my dad
to text for years.

- Oh, yeah, taught him
at the bowling alley.

- You bowl with him too?
- Yeah.

He's the captain of our team.
- [Laughs]

- And I was like,
"jerr, you ain't getting

"no frozen yogurt afterwards

until you send me
five perfect texts, no typos."

He did it, t.
I was so proud of him.

We got three flavors
of froyo that night.

Honestly, one of the best parts
about dating Maeve

is getting to know your father.

I think he might be like
my best friend.

I haven't had a best friend
in a long time.

[Engine turns over]

- I don't understand.

He doesn't like anyone.

In fact,
he pretty much hates everyone.

- Oh, t, hate is a strong word.

Jerr don't hate anybody.
He's a Teddy bear.

In fact, I call him jerr-bear.

He loves it.

He calls me Billy-goat.

[Cell phone dings]

Hmm.

Ooh, guess who.

- Jerr-bear?
- Nah, it's my cousin bebo.

He wants to hang out later,
play some Xbox.

[Background chatter]

- How's it going?
- Hey.

This grill is amazing.

I think I'm gonna cook
all of our meals on this thing,

breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

- You're gonna make breakfast
on there.

- I'm telling you,
this thing can do anything.

It might have
satellite capabilities.

I haven't read
the entire manual yet.

- Well, if it's gonna make
our dads

drop their stupid beef
with each other,

I will definitely be impressed.

- This thing's great at beef.
- No, I'm serious.

They have to drop their shit;
It's exhausting.

- They're not young men.

I don't see them changing.

- Hey, kids.
- Hey.

- Hey, frank.
- Some machine, huh?

Oh, my god, it's even better
than the catalog.

Everything smells delicious.
- Yeah.

- Here, let me help you
with that.

- Okay, ah.

Just a couple rules, dad.

I'm running the show here.

This entire area is mine.

- Understood,
I got it.

- Okay.
- [Clears throat]

- What?

Oh, and I'm gonna need you
to put in

a little extra effort
with Theresa's dad today.

- Oh, he's coming?
That piece of--

- dad.

- Oh, sorry, Theresa.
No offense.

- No, here's the deal, okay?

You guys have to put an end

to this cop-fireman bullshit
today

and be civilized human beings.

Do you understand?

- You just keep me fed,
I'll be a good boy.

- All right, here's my dad.

I'm telling him the same thing.
- Okay.

- John.
- Okay.

- God, did he get shorter?

Cops often shrink under
the weight of their own guilt.

It's a proven fact.
- Come on, man.

- I'm not gonna start anything.

I'm just here
for a couple beers,

couple burgers,
couple laughs.

Look at him backing
his way over here.

- What?

- He can't wait
to poke his nose in this grill

and start yapping.

Cops,
they're all the same.

Nosy bastards.

Look at him, trying
to sneak his way over here.

- Look, I'm gonna need you
to be the bigger person today.

- That won't be hard.

[Laughs]

That's one of the laughs
I was telling you about.

- Real funny.

- I thought I smelled gas.

- Hey.
- Here we go.

- Seriously?
A gas grill?

- Hello, my good man.

- What the hell
is wrong with you?

- shit.

- Mac, what the hell is that?

- Special kind of hurricane.

I got the recipe when I was
tending bar in New Orleans.

Locals used to
dump it on graves,

keep the evil away.

- How come you didn't bring
hot Doug--I mean Doug?

- We broke up.

Turns out it's really hard

to maintain the intensity
that you get

with Internet communication.

You wouldn't know
what I'm talking about there.

It's a whole new thing.
- Actually, I would.

I was snooping around one time
on a website

dedicated to smallmouth bass
and other lake fish.

Next thing I know,
I'm in a heated email exchange

with a woman named shelley.

Started off debating
over live bait and lures

and ended up with
an intense declaration of love.

- Turns out shelley was a dude,
huh?

- Yep.

Got catfished on a fishing site.

- [Laughs]

- I ain't judging nobody.

- Oh, Brian and Gabby are here.

- Oh, good.

Good.

That Gabby.

What a smile, right?
- Yeah.

- Sure lights up a room
or a backyard.

Lights up a whole backyard.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Honey, you might want to start
with a smaller cup.

- I'm fine, you guys.

Uh-huh.

- Damn.

- Somebody's dancing
with the hurricane.

- Hey, voo.

- Where's Doug?

- We broke up.

Hey, Gabby.

That's a cute top.

I don't think I've ever seen you

out of your nurse's uniform.

You look good.

These are awesome.

You should go get some.

Maybe share one.

- Hank,
I need your help.

- With what?

- I need you
to tell me something.

- Okay.

- Do you think my son Carter
is a gay?

- How would I know that,
Bridget?

- Just listen.

He's in the high school
theater program.

He doesn't like sports.
He has a high-pitched laugh.

I think he's gay,

but I wanted
a professional opinion.

- I'm not getting
a gay vibe from him.

I don't think he is.

- Statistically speaking,
he should be.

They say that one
out of every ten people is gay.

Now, my other nine kids
are straight,

so that leaves just Carter.

- That's not exactly
how it works,

and having
stereotypically gay interests

doesn't make him gay.

- Can you be a dear

and investigate for me?

- You know, you could just
ask him yourself,

considering
he is your son and all.

- I've told Carter
it's okay if he's gay.

The new priest at our church

is accepting
of alternative lifestyles.

- Uh-huh.

- My friend Maura's son
came out of the closet

and got a standing ovation
at the 10:30 mass,

and that is the mass.

Oh, if only
he could come out then.

But listen to me go on and on.

This isn't about me.

It could be any mass.

Christmas Eve would be
a crowd-pleaser.

Could you just talk to him?

- Okay, I'll look into it
for you.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Damn shame.

- How can you find
one possible flaw

with this magnificent machine?

- Its existence is its flaw.

It's a gas grill.

It should never have been.

- What is wrong
with a gas grill?

- You get no char.
The char is where the flavor is.

You need to flip that one.

- don't flip that burger.
You'll let the juices out.

- He let the juices out
when he bought a gas grill.

- This grill is top of the line.

Tell him how much it cost,
Johnny.

- Both of you let it drop.
- Look, what does it matter?

I mean, a grill is a grill,
as long as it uses charcoal.

- That's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard.

This baby has
four different cooking zones

including rotisserie
and a searing burner.

That's a very expensive grill.

- I know how much it costs.

I saw it in the catalog

next to the self-rotating
wine rack

in the expensive,
useless shit section.

You should've just bought
a cheaper grill

and cooked the money.

- Both of you shut it

and try a burger.

I guarantee you you're not gonna
miss any char in this bad boy.

- Mmm, this burger
is perfection, son.

Jerry, tell me
that's not a juicy burger.

- Hey, jerr, I got the burgers
you asked for, brother.

- Billy cepeda to the rescue!

- Always.
- What the hell is this?

- Hey.
- What's up, y'all?

- Hey.

- Where should I put
my pastelon?

- Your what?

- My pastelon.

I learned to make it

when I went to Puerto Rico
with Billy.

- Yeah, it's delicious.

This thing's got beef.

It's got cheese.

It's got plantains.

- Oh, I had that once.

It's good.

Banana lasagna.
- [Chuckles]

- The thing
about puerto rican cuisine

which I love is that
it's hearty, healthy,

and it tastes good.

It's not empty calories,
like American food.

- Did you make that yourself,
sweetheart?

- I basically did.

I was in the kitchen
with Billy's mom and ebola.

- Oh, there's ebola in that.

- Ebola is Spanish
for "grandmother," Theresa.

God.

Learn a foreign language.

I mean, it's good to know about
other people's cultures too.

- It's actually pronounced
abuela, babe.

- Ebola is a disease, Maeve.

- Excuse me, Theresa.
I've been out of the country.

I'm sorry I'm not up to date
on the new American diseases.

- Can you just put it
on the table, please?

- Can I have a serving spoon,
Theresa?

- You know
where the spoons are, Maeve.

- I do, but I'm a guest.

- [Inhales deeply]

Fine.

- Americans.

- Hey, y'all got to try
some of this pastelon.

It's amazing.

- We will, Billy.
- All right.

- I texted Billy as soon
as I smelled the poisonous gases

emanating from
this overpriced monstrosity.

- Are you kidding me
with this shit?

- [Laughs]

Mmm.

So good.

You smell that char?
- I don't need char.

See the juices
coming out of this?

- You texted Billy?

- Yeah, he taught me
how to text.

Oh, the kid is dynamite.

We hang out all the time.

- Only been asking you
to hang out

for three years or so.

- What would we talk about?

We got nothing in common.

- Yeah, kid.

You never planted drugs
on a suspect.

- You know, I always regret
not having a job

where I got to sleep in a room

with a bunch of other men
four nights a week.

- You know what?

I'm not getting sucked
into the middle of this.

I almost did,
but I'm not.

I'm having a great time
with my grill, making burgers.

- Hey, keep eyes on voo.

- Voodoo can handle herself.

She's gonna be fine.

- You don't know my punch.

Rolling stones came into my bar
after a show one night,

and halfway through
his third round of that stuff,

Keith Richards pissed himself
in the middle of the bar.

Keith Richards.

- I doubt it was his first time.

- Maybe I should go talk to her.

Think that'd be okay?

- Yeah, I think it'd be nice.

- She usually listens to me.

- Young people, stop.

Stop.
Listen to me.

When someone's trying
to work through their shit,

let 'em work through their shit.

Then call 'em a cab
if they need one.

Voodoo, keys.

Grab those for me, Kevin.

Thanks.

- Mmm.

This is fantastic.

No way you made it.

- Of course not.

don't tell Theresa.

- Okay, you owe me.

- Hey,
sorry about my mom.

Yeah, I saw her talking
your ear off before,

and I'm pretty sure I can guess
what it was about.

- You can, can you?

- Yeah, she tells everybody
she thinks I'm gay.

- [Sighs]

Look, it's a hard thing
for a lot of parents

to wrap their mind around.

- Yeah, no, I know.

Uh...

Can I tell you a secret?

- Sure.

- I'm not gay.

- Okay.

Why is that a secret?

- Because my mom
thinking I'm gay

is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.

Okay, I'm the only
high school kid I know

who's allowed to have
sleepovers with girls.

I banged this one chick
in her own bed last night,

and her parents were home.

It's off the hook.

They--they brought us breakfast
in the morning.

- For real?
- Damn straight.

No pun.

See, at first, I was pissed

my parents thought I was gay

because I don't like sports
and grilling

and all that manly crap.

You know what I do like, though?

Pussy.

- Holy shit, you're a genius.

You're like
a Stephen Hawking brain

with a working dick genius.

- Appreciate that.

- I'm proud of you, man.

Genius.

Man.

- Sure you don't want me
to call you

one of those "you-bers"?

- What the hell?

Stats, look at these branches
just hanging over into the yard.

Your tree has crossed the line!

- It's okay.

- Why are you okay with this?

You're like Mrs. rules--
Ms. rules.

- What?
No, I'm not.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

don't worry, I'll take care
of it, miss rules.

These branches are unacceptable.

- Whoa, wait,
where are you going?

- Where you fear to tread,
Mr. rules.

- That's not my name.

- Oh, man.

That's a tasty burger, bro.

- Thank you, Billy.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's juicy because it's not
dried out from the charcoal.

- Dad.

- You know, it's kind of ironic

that a fireman's afraid to cook
with real fire.

- Dad.

- It's different
from being a cop.

You can't taser an unarmed fire.

- They always like this?
- Yeah, they hate each other.

- Nah, jerr-bear
don't hate no one.

- Jerr-bear?

- He's the only one allowed
to call me that.

- Oh.

- Hey!

There's nobody here.

- What the hell?

- Voo.

What are you doing up there?

- There's nobody home.

I let myself in.

They got some really nice stuff
in here.

[Loud crash]

Does anybody have glue?

A lot of glue.

- Um...

I'm gonna go get her.

I'll be right back.

- Gabby, if you and Brian
ever break up

and he starts
chugging hurricanes,

let him work out his own shit.

- Oh!

Who messed with the heat
on this burner?

- It was too low.

It's a grill,
not a tanning bed.

- The heat was perfect.

- It was too low.
It needs more heat.

We're trying to get some char.

- All right,
that's the last time

you say "char" today.

- All right, these are the words

that are banned
for the rest of the day.

- Char.
- Charcoal.

- Fire.
- Firefighter.

- Cops, gas, and juicy.
Got it?

- Got it.

How about you, jerr-bear?
- I told you.

- All right, you know what?

Kitchen's closed.

Theresa, would you like
to join me for a hurricane?

- I would love that.
- A strong hurricane.

- Are you happy now?

- Char.
- You want some char?

Why don't you put
your fat ass on here,

and I'll char it up for you!

- Voo.

Voodoo.

Hey, voo.

What's going on?
- Nothing.

Just looking for a big-ass knife

to cut down that tree.

- Um...

I think you may have had

too much punch.

You have a punch mustache.

- I know that.

- don't you think I know
about my punchstache?

I love my punchstache.

People compliment me on it.

Everyone but you.

- Let's just go back
to the party, huh?

- You think that'd be best?

- I do.

- Well, too bad.

Because you can't control
hurricane voodoo.

All you can do is ride the wind.

Hurricane force wind,
category awesome.

- Voo, stop it.
Stop.

Stop it.
don't.

- Hey, why are you even here?

Shouldn't you be
with gabbigale?

- I'm here
because you seem upset,

and I care about you.

- I know.

I know you do, Brian.

It's just--it's hard.

- I know, right?

But we're gonna be good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

We'll figure it out.

- Eventually.

But for now...

There's nobody home,

so it's
"jump on the bed with me" time.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Voodoo, come on.

We are trespassing right now.

- Here, watch this.

Karate.
[Grunts]

[Thud]

- Voodoo, you okay?

- Did that look cool?

- So what did you find out
about Carter?

- I think
he's just figuring stuff out.

- Aha.
That's code for gay.

- I don't know about that,

but I do know your son
is a genius.

- Carter?
No.

I love that boy,

but, believe me,
he's no genius.

I don't think
he ever brought home

anything better
than a b-minus on a report card.

- Tell him no more sleepovers
until he gets straight as,

I guarantee you
those grades will skyrocket.

He's a genius.

- [Laughs]
I didn't think I was drunk,

but now that I'm upside down,
whoo!

Hey.
Hey, what's up with the grill?

- Ooh, Johnny, Johnny, grill.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Fine.
- It's gonna be fine.

- Oh.

- It's--
I got it.

- It's gonna be fine.

- Fuego!

- No, don't.

[Overlapping shouting]

- Call the fire department.
- Call an ambulance.

- Notice no one said,
"call the cops."

- [Groans]

- You call that a burn?

That's first degree,
at best.

Check this out.

That's second degree,
borderline third.

- Maybe second degree,
but it's tiny.

I've seen bigger sunburns.
- Mine's going down my hand.

I'm in skin graft
territory here.

- Oh, yeah, that's some
nice char you got there, John.

See, that's the color
you want your chicken.

- Nah, you fry a chicken.

- Why would you do that
to a perfectly innocent bird?

Beer can up its ass over wood.

- Hey, doc.

How much longer
we looking at here?

- Uh, I don't know.
Ask a nurse.

- Ballpark.
- Nurse.

- Oh.

Both: Doctors.

- So arrogant.

- They think
they're friggin' gods.

- Half the time,
they're just guessing.

- "Half the time,"
that's being generous.

- The toughest part
of a doctor's day

is changing his tee time.

- Yeah.

- Deciding between steak
and lobster.

- They just order both.
- They do.

- Pigs.

Both: Bastards.