All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S02E06.Screw.the.One.Percent.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-QUEENS.eng

- Brian, I know that you
like getting positive feedback,

and you know
that I hate giving it,

so this is gonna
be a one-time thing.

You have really been
stepping up your game lately.

- It doesn't matter.
We're all gonna die.

- You okay, bud?
- Nope, not at all.

Voodoo started
seeing someone else.

- Really?

- Some dude named Doug.

She met him on one
of those asexual message boards.

- Asexual message boards?
That shit exists?

- I mean, I knew logically
that we weren't gonna last,

but it just--it still hurts.

That voodoo put a spell on me.

Who could have seen that coming?

- Oh, left field, all the way.
Ohh.

- Now I got to change
her ringtone.

- Dude, you're not dividing
assets in a divorce.

You can keep the ringtone.

- If you think about it,
nothing's really changed.

You're still friends.
You're still not having sex.

- Yeah, but I'm not the person
she's not having sex with.

She's out there not having sex
with someone else.

Not not me, not him.

- Brian, you've really got
it pretty good here.

- Yes.

- I mean, the hardest part
about a breakup

is imagining your ex
getting it on with someone else.

- Yes, it's pretty much the only
thing you're thinking about.

- Yeah, but you don't have
to worry about that

because you already know
the answer.

- Come on. Yeah.
- She's having sex with no one.

- Nobody!

- Ever.
- Ever.

- Everything's different now.

I called her last night to see
if she wanted to see a movie.

She had already seen it
with Doug.

- [Sighs]

- She knows that Nic Cage dramas
are our thing.

- You're right.

That is way worse than imagining

the love of your life sweatily
entangled with another man

making wet spots on silk sheets
illuminated by sex candles.

- Sex candles?
- Yeah, sex candles.

- Is that a--is that a thing?

Should I be buying
sex candles now?

- Look at me. Look at me.

Yes.
[Radio static]

- Ambulance needed,
274 northwood,

reported heart attack.

- Ambulance 14 responding.
[Siren wails]

- Okay, guys,

which would bother you more,

if you walked in
on your significant other

having sex with someone else or
saw them walking on the beach,

holding hands,

clearly and deeply in love?

- Is that a real question?
Sex.

- Always sex.

- Well, guys,
I'm on that beach right now,

and let me tell you, it hurts.

It hurts bad.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[Siren wailing]

- Where's the patient, sir?

- Um...
- Ambulance is the winner!

- Whoo!
Yeah!

[Laughter]
- Congrats, guys.

[Cheering]

[Indistinct chatter]

- What the hell's going on?

- Sir?
- Oh, everything's cool, chief.

There's no patient.
- Why'd you call us?

- We had a bet to see
who would get here first,

an ambulance or the pizza guy.

You won.
- Yes.

- You called in a fake emergency
as part of a bet?

- A fake medical emergency, yes.

Fake pizza emergency, no,
'cause we are hungry as shit.

- Congrats, by the way,
last week the Indian place

beat the fire department, so--

- killer curry too.
- Yeah.

- You clowns think
calling an ambulance is a joke?

- No. No, no, of course not,
um...

Officers, or--
- we mean no harm.

- What we do can mean
the difference

between life and death.

Shit like this
not only wastes our time,

but it puts other people's lives
at risk.

It also happens
to be extremely illegal.

- Does anyone not have
an attorney in the family?

[Laughter]

- No disrespect, chief.

- What's that?

- 5 hundo for the trouble.

- We don't want this shit.

- Yes, we do.
- Yeah, we do.

- Get yourself a flat screen
for the common room.

I insist.
- Yeah.

- You know what?

- No, don't take it out
on the money, John.

The money never hurt anyone.

- Especially if
it's properly invested.

- I'm gonna properly
invest my foot in your ass.

- Whoa, super aggressive.

- Ambulance 14, reported stroke,
3436 north Sheridan.

- Let it go, John.
Ambulance 14 responding.

- You hear that?

Life and death.
- Let it go.

- Life and death, people.
- [Chuckles]

- Have every single one
of those pricks arrested.

This money is evidence.

- Yeah, evidence we can now
get a new flat-screen TV.

- Pizza.
- Yeah! Whoo!

- It's okay,
they're good tippers.

- Come on, let's go.
- All right.

- Rich people suck.

Like my damn landlord,

dude's 26 years old,
owns the building,

inherited it from grandfather.

He only lives there
because he thinks

the neighborhood's gonna hit.

He wants to brag
that he lived there

when poor people still did.

Sit around all day
not doing anything,

trying to rename
the neighborhood "nonowewe."

- What?

- North of north,
west of western.

Dude's an idiot.

He's one of these morons
who's always on a new cleanse,

who decides he's only
gonna listen to jazz

on vinyl recorded
by black guys in Paris.

I mean, you've seen the guy.

Tell me he doesn't have
one of those faces

you just want to bounce off
the hood of your car, you know?

[Laughs]

You know?

No.

- What?

- No.

- Why are you looking at me
like that?

- Oh, you're boning my landlord.
- I am.

- Oh, no.

No. Seriously?

Dude, you weren't gonna
say anything to me?

- No, because I knew you were
gonna be

a total dick about it.

Besides, you got this irrational
hatred of rich guys.

- Not all rich guys,
just rich white guys.

- Oh, see, that's racist.
- What? How?

- You should hate
rich black people

just as much
as you hate rich white people.

- I'm talking
about the smug assholes

who have had everything
handed to them in life.

- Oh, so now
there are no smug black people

who didn't have
to work hard for it?

- Maybe there are.
They're just not as annoying.

- Jaden Smith.
- One guy.

- Willow Smith.
- Okay, two.

But I can't believe I'm
the one putting this out there,

but what about 200 years
of slavery, man?

Doesn't that buy you
a little something?

- It was 400,

and that shouldn't prevent me
from hating Jaden Smith.

Look, I'm not saying
that Obama's kids are a problem,

'cause they seem really cool,

but you know
somewhere down the line,

either their kids
or their kids' kids

who are all gonna be rich,
somewhere in there,

one of them, Preston Obama,
is gonna be a total dick,

and I want the freedom
to hate the living shit

out of him.

- Preston Obama.

- He does kind of
sound like kind of a jerk.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hank, I'm putting an original
pair of Jordan 3s on etsy

tomorrow, wholesale.

If you want them, let me know,
'cause once they

go live, sayonara.

- Oh, you don't have
to worry about Hank anymore,

'cause he's dating a rich guy.

He can get Jordan 3s anytime
his pretty little head

wants a pair.

- I am seeing someone
who happens to have some money,

and apparently that's a crime
in the eyes

of a crazy person we know.

- You got a sugar daddy?

- No, dude's way younger
than Hank,

more of a sugar baby.
- Mm-hmm.

Baby, baby, baby.
You crazy.

- Yeah, well, how old is he?

- He's not way younger than me.
- Way younger.

- Shut up.

- Hey, Brian, wait a sec.

Um, I heard about you
and voodoo.

- Yeah.

- If I'm being completely
honest, I think it's great.

- Your glass
is always half full, huh?

I don't know how you do it.

- Ask me on a date.

I'll show you.
- A date?

- Yeah.
I think it'd be fun.

- Thanks, Gabby, but I just--

I just don't think
I'd be at my best.

I'm kind of in a mourning phase.

Rule of thumb is you're supposed
to mourn one week

for every month
you were together,

which by my math
puts me at 12 days.

It's more than the suggested
amount, but I know my body.

- Well, maybe you should let
someone else get

to know your body.

- Wait, I'm--I'm not sure
what I high-fived right there.

I'm just that kind of guy.
I see a high five,

and I take it.
- [Laughs]

That's what I like about you.

See you in 12 days.

- Whoa.

- Yup.

- [Whispers] Wow.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Oh, hey.
Both: Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

- Crazy, huh?
- Mm.

- Yeah, crazy.
- [Sighs]

- So crazy.
- [Chuckles]

- Huh.

- Well...
- So...

- Hey, well,
we got a bunch of Chinese food

if you want to come on up
and have some.

- Oh, I can't.

I'm on a cleanse.

- Course you are.

[Johnny and Theresa chuckle]

All right,
we'll see you guys later.

- Okay.
- Yes, you will.

- Oh, hey, uh, I was thinking
about getting some chickens.

- Hmm? The bird?

- Yeah, in the backyard.

- Yeah, in the--oh.

- How great would it be
to have fresh eggs every day?

- So great.
- So great, right?

- So great.
- [Chuckles]

[Distant thuds]

- That was the kitchen.
- [Sighs]

Just ignore it.
He knows we can hear him.

- How am I supposed to ignore
420 pounds of man beef

going at each other?

[Creaking]

- Now, that's ridiculous.

I know for a fact
that's the fireplace.

- [Laughs]

- Ran out of real estate,
didn't you, buddy?

- Oh, be happy for him.

- Hank is just a flavor
of the week for this guy,

like Indonesian shallots

and that weird Brazilian
dance-fighting

he was into last week,
and now chickens?

I mean, this guy just takes
one bite out of everything.

Have you ever seen his trash?

- You looked
through this guy's trash?

- No, I came upon his trash.

- Mm-hmm.
- He left the lid off.

Probably because he expected
someone to close it for him.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I did, 'cause this city
has a terrible rat problem.

- Oh.

- Something he
wouldn't understand

in his ivory sex castle.

[Knock on door]
- [Laughs]

- Whew.
I need the gatorade.

- Jesus.
- Oh.

[Whistling]
Was it as fun as it sounded?

- I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- You're embarrassing yourself,
you realize that?

- [Laughs]

What is that on your wrist?

- Oh,
it's a tag heuer aquaracer 5.

- Oh.
- Unbelievable.

- Mm, it really is.

Stainless steel,
Swiss quartz movement,

water resistant up
to 300 meters.

- You don't swim.
- I bathe.

And he's got the most beautiful,
deep, stone tub.

I almost drowned.

- You know, there's a name
for what you're doing.

You're being a gold digger.

- Technically,
I did not dig for this,

and it's stainless steel.

Besides, I'd rather be
a gold digger than a racist.

- Oh, oh, here we go.

- Who's a racist?
- Your boyfriend.

He hates rich white people more
than he hates rich black people.

- That's not racist.
- It's kind of racist, babe.

- [Chuckles]

- Hey, Hank,
Nick is one of the nicest guys

that I have met
since we moved into nonowewe.

- don't call it that.

- Thank you.
Round two.

- Oh.
- Have fun.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, buddy.

- Hey.
- What's up, man?

- Notice anything different
about me?

Something in this region?

- Um...

- Does this get you there?

Healed.
My 12 days of mourning are up,

and the old Brian is back
and better than ever.

- Yoo!
Drinks on bri.

- You know what?

Yes, I'm putting down
the discover card.

- Well, I thought you said
the old Brian was back, huh?

- [Laughing]

I'm ready to laugh again.

Voodoo and Doug
aren't here yet, huh?

- No.
- Why?

- I got a handshake for that guy
that's long overdue.

- Hey, you don't have to put
on a brave face for me, bro.

I want the real stuff.

I thrive on it.

- Voodoo will always hold
a special place in my heart,

but I'm ready to be happy
for her.

I even retired her old ringtone.

Do you want to hear the new one?
- Mm-hmm.

- [Scatting]
♪ friends ♪

- Is that miles Davis?

- No, it's me.

I can't wait to play it for her.

- Hey, everybody.

All: Hey.

- This is Doug.
- Hi, everyone.

I've heard so much about you.

- Okay.

- Where's Brian?

- Uh, I think he freaked out
a little bit

and is probably hyperventilating
over by the bar.

I'll check on him in a second.

- I've got this one, bro.

- [Breathing heavily]

- Yo, deep breath, man,
deep breath.

- My--my chest, it's so tight.

- I know, I've been there, man.

I've been there.
Well, not there, there.

That dude never took my girl.
I guess in the situation

I'm talking about I was
a little bit more of the Doug,

but, man, I'm telling you, bro.

The Brian in that scenario
was sad.

That dude left me
some sad messages, okay?

I got to play them for you
sometime.

They're bananas, yo.
- Thanks, buddy.

- Whatever you want to do,
wherever you want to go,

that's what we gonna do.

That's where we gonna go.
- Okay.

[Applause]

Magic is the one thing that lets
me forget all my problems.

- So what?
It, like, makes them disappear?

[Laughing]

- And that, my friend, is
the greatest trick of them all.

- Shh.

- Sorry, bro.

Oh, my god, a bunny.

I love little bunnies.

This wizard is awesome.

- He goes
by Xander the outlander,

but his real name is Ross.

He employs a classical technique

clearly influenced
by Copperfield, who himself

was just a watered-down version
of the true greats.

- Shh.

You're ruining the show.

- I'm more of a Ricky Jay

or amazing Johnathan guy
myself.

Those guys use storytelling
as part of the act,

which I think exponentially
boosts the element of wonder.

- I wonder
if you're ever gonna shut up.

- Man, come on.

My boy here's having
a pretty rough day,

so maybe you can just calm down
a little bit, okay?

- It's okay, Billy.
I'm feeling better.

We should probably
head out, huh?

- No way, man, you're crazy.

And miss the finale?
Mm-mm.

This dude's cooking up
something delicious.

- I'm getting security.

- That--that won't be necessary.

- And now if I could have
a volunteer from the audience?

- Let's go.

- Here is our brave volunteer.

- Oh, shit!

- What's up, Nick?

- Hank dumped me.

- Seriously?

- One minute, everything
is going great, and the next,

he says the relationship
has run its course.

- Oh, that's rough.

But dudes, right?
[Chuckles]

That's what we do.

- You got to help me, Johnny.
- [Sighs]

Is that a pitcher
of margaritas?

- It's caipirinhas.

I came into some mint.

Listen, maybe
if you talk to Hank for me--

- I don't think
that's such a good idea.

- Tell him
how much I need him.

- That's very awkward for me.
- How much he means to me.

- I can't emphasize
the awkwardness enough.

- I'll cover your rent.
- What's that?

- If you talk to Hank for me,
I got your rent this month.

- I can't do that.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, um...

You're--you're better off
without Hank St. Clare.

No, you are.

- You think?
- Yeah.

You're the real catch here,
right?

- I don't know.
- Yeah, you are.

You're young and handsome,

and you got...

Equity and shit.

You'll see.
- don't go!

- Okay.

- Please?

- Rent and hbo?

- And showtime.

- Nonowewe?

- Nonowewe.

- Nonowewe.

- If you would?

You need to be very, very still.
You got it?

- Oh, I know the drill.
- You sure?

- Ross, I came here
on my 23rd birthday.

We did this exact trick.

It killed, by the way,
standing o.

I'm fine.

- Steel...

Does not care if you are man...

[Audience gasps]

Or woman.

It respects...

Only steel.

- [Scats]

♪ Friends ♪

- Its only sustenance...

- No way.

- Flesh.

- Ow!
- Ooh.

- How you holding up, Houdini?

- Hey, Gabby.

You heard, huh?

Yeah, it's pretty embarrassing.

- Wouldn't have happened
if you went

to that magic show with me.

I'd never let anyone hurt you.

And if they did,
I'd make them pay.

- [Chuckles]
I believe you.

- So you gonna be all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

It's a--it's just a big scratch.

- [Laughs]
I can read a chart.

I meant
with your mourning period.

Still on it?
- Oh, that.

It--yeah, it's technically over,

but I had a bit of a setback.

So the truth is,
I'm not sure when I'll be ready.

- Fair enough.

Well, let's get you checked out.

You can feel that, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I can--I can feel that.

- Okay, how about this?

Any pain?

- [Sighs]

There's a--
there's a little twinge there.

- Okay, you're gonna want
to stretch it out like this.

- Oh, okay.
Ah.

- Oh!
- Nope, no, roll with it.

It's fine. Go ahead...
- Okay.

- Nobody's gonna walk in, right?

- Mm, maybe.
- Okay.

- Gabby the nurse?
- Gabby the nurse?

- Oh!
Come on, how'd it go down?

- Deets, deets, spill.

- A gentleman does not kiss
and tell,

but know that it was nice.

- Oh.
- Ooh, nice.

Come on.
- Nice.

You gonna see this nice girl
again?

- I don't know.
I don't know.

We're taking it slow.

Uh, fast but slow.
- Yeah.

- I'm holding off on giving her
a ringtone though.

[Laughter]

- A ringtone.

Does Nick have a ringtone?
- Oh, sure does.

Same one I give all my exes:

Do not answer.
- Oh.

- Ambulance needed, amalfi
motors, Clark and wrightwood.

- Ambulance 14 responding.

- But it's--it's not,
like, over, over, is it?

- Oh, it is.
- Why?

- First of all,
he wouldn't buy gatorade.

Secondly, nonowewe?
Come on.

I mean,
he was rich and good-looking,

but he talked
about such dumb shit.

I started to dread every time
he opened his mouth.

Well, not every time
he opened his mouth.

- Because that's when he--
- yup.

- What--it's a reference to--
- yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

- You know.

- Protocol says
we should take you in,

but we can't force you.

- You know,
I'm feeling all right, guys,

and I'm shorthanded today,

and I got
some high-end customers

that can be real assholes.

- You have to sign a waiver.
- That's fine.

- Brian?

- This way, sir.

- Hey, you know, um,

I was thinking,

Nick's actually not a--
not a bad dude.

I mean, he's got
such an adventurous spirit.

- How much is he paying you?
- What?

- How much money
is he paying you?

- Nothing.

- How much, John?

- He was crying, man,
real tears.

He was, like, begging.
He was sad.

I mean, he really likes you.
- How much money?

- A month's rent plus free hbo.

- No showtime?
- And showtime.

- No.

You ain't getting shit,
'cause I ain't calling him.

- Hey, I told him

that I would say something
to you, and I said something.

I get free rent and cable
no matter what you do.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Good for you.
- Good for me.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's just, look. I know
I said some shit about this guy,

but that was probably more
about me than it was about him,

and I just want you to know
that I'm gonna be cool

with whoever you choose
to drink gatorade with.

- Oh, screw that.

If I'm dating a douchebag,

I want you to tell me
I'm dating a douchebag.

- All right,
you were dating a douchebag.

- I know, but he was so cute
and had such nice shit.

- [Laughing] Ohh.
- Ooh.

- [Chuckles]

- Yo, take extra special care
of my baby.

- Oh, I'm not--
- get it done by 6:00.

There'll be something
in it for you, chief.

- [Laughing]

- Unbelievable.

I am sick of these rich assholes

thinking everybody in a blue
uniform does the same thing.

I mean, how does this guy
make that much money,

and he can't tell the difference
between a mechanic and an EMT?

- Oh, my god.
- What?

- Do you see
what just happened here?

- What?

- You almost went ham
on that guy.

- Yeah, he's an asshole.
So what?

- A black asshole.

You just hated a rich black guy

as much
as you hate rich white guys.

- I did, didn't I?
- That's growth.

- Yeah.
- Wait a minute.

Why did he throw you the keys
instead of me?

- Huh?
- What, he just automatically

assumes the white dude
is the head mechanic?

That's some bullshit.

You know we got
a black president, right?

Hey, give me them keys.

I'ma key his car right now.

- Well, as the head mechanic,

I'm afraid
I can't allow that to happen.

- Hand me them keys, John.
- [Laughs]

- Give me them keys.
- It just wouldn't be right.

It's out of my purview.

- Your purview?
- Yeah, my purview.

- John Farrell,
do you value your life?

You better give me the keys.

You better give me--
what'd you call me?