All language subtitles for Sirens.2014.S02E03.Briandipity.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-QUEENS.Eng

- Can't believe that dude is
only 50.

He looked like he was 100.

- Hard living,
that's what that is.

- We all need to drink
more water.

- Maybe he's one of those people
who's always looked old,

like Wilford Brimley.

- And John Madden.
- Morgan Freeman.

- They say black don't crack?

That brother came
out of the womb cracked.

- What about Angela Lansbury?
She's been 80 for like 40 years.

- Oh, then there's
Michelle Pfeiffer.

She's been 40 for 50 years.

- Michelle Pfeiffer, oh boy.

If she could just stay 40 for
another 15 years?

- Then what would you do, Brian?

- Mmm, I'd treat her so good.
- Oh...

- [Laughs]

- Top five people who died
during sex, go.

- Nelson rockefeller.

- Oh, Richard Pryor's dad.

- Matthew McConaughey's dad.

- Oh-ho.
- Both their dads?

How did you guys know that?
- We work in the death business.

- God, think of all the street
cred those chicks have.

Sex with them is so good,
it'll kill you.

- You know dudes be lining up
like junkies

for Mrs. McConaughey.

- Why, so they can die
during sex?

I mean, sure I'd get in that
line, but just to meet the woman

who gave us the star of such
films as fool's gold,

wedding planner,
how to lose a guy in 10 days,

and failure to launch.

- Those were literally his
worst movies.

- I actually saw that last one.
- Really?

- Yeah, it's got Terry Bradshaw
in it.

I'll see anything with Bradshaw,
he's like my favorite actor.

- I love that dude--if I had to
pick a bald guy over 60,

I would definitely pick
Patrick Stewart.

But I would let bradshaw do
a play-by-play.

- Just, like, sit and watch
and talk about it?

- What?

- Ambulance needed.
North Avenue beach.

Women's volleyball tournament.
Player has lacerated foot.

- I love volleyball.

- You love volleyball?

- Women's professional beach
volleyball.

This is the avp tournament.
Oh, I want this call, Cassius.

- Ambulance 14 responding.

- Ambulance one also responding.

- Oh, it's on.

- Make it a bet.
- Loser buys beers!

- We're gonna win!
Up the stakes!

- We'll race for beers, whiskey,
anything you got.

We'll race for pink slips.

- Son, this ain't
fast and furious.

You don't have a pink slip
to bet.

- Oh, we need gas.
- We'll be fine.

- It's just that you told me
to tell you when we were

pretty much out of gas, now
we are completely out of gas.

- We're gonna make it.
- Nope, no, we're not.

It's my bad, I dropped the ball.

- You didn't drop anything!
- Nope.

- Cut across the park!

- Ugh!
- Oh, get a load of this guy!

['70s music in earphones]

[All yelling for the man
to move]

[Over loudspeaker]
- Out of the way, dipsh--!

- What'd I tell you, huh?
- Okay, okay.

- don't worry about it.
- You were right.

- You work yourself up in a big
lather over nothing.

[Engine sputtering]
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

- Please!
- Oh, boy.

- We beat 'em by a mile!

- Nowhere to be found!
Whoo hoo!

- What if she needs to be
transported to the hospital?

- Got you covered.
There's a sonoco

about four blocks up.
You book it, bri.

- Oh, I'll be so fast!
- I know you will.

- Isn't there an exxon right
around the corner?

- Yeah, but he's too
hyper today.

Needs to burn off some energy.
No candy!

- Aww, copy that!
- All right.

- Okay, what's the problem.

['70s music over headphones]
- We really need you to

move right now!
Right now!

This is an ambulance behind you.

[All groan]
- Look at that little face!

Out of the way, Aladdin.

[Overlapping yelling]

- No, oh no--

all: Oh, sh--!

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah, I'm in the ambulance
right now

on the way to the hospital.

Totally, yeah, I'll be there
later with Devon.

Already got 'em.
Yeah, they were on sale.

40%!
[Laughs]

- For the love of god,
will you please shut up!

- Why am I getting so much
hostility here?

[Siren wailing]

You know--you know who you sound
like right now?

Your father.
No, you know you do.

You know you do--you sound just
like him, dead on.

- We would have won if Aladdin
didn't get in the way.

- But he did, and you didn't!

- And now we get free beer.
- Yeah, take that!

- Sorry, voo.
You know I love free stuff.

- At first I was really pissed,
but if you think about it,

that dipsh-- actually saved
our lives.

If he didn't get in the way,
that other dipsh-- driving

the crappy sedan would've
t-boned us.

It's kind of like serendipity.

- Oh, best movie ever,
right?

You guys have seen serendipity,
right?

None of you?
- Well, you know I have.

I had to watch serendipity and
throw in a never been kissed

to get him to watch
faces of death.

- Everyone listen to me.
Listen to me right now.

Are you listening to me?
- Listening, Brian.

- It opens with one little
snowflake,

falling in New York City, during
Christmas shopping season.

Jonathan, played by the
always-excellent John Cusack--

- I don't have time for this
sh--.

- Meets Sara, completely
inhabited by an up-and-coming

Kate Beckinsale.
Now--

after a magical day in New York
city, Jonathan suggests

that they exchange numbers,
which--Sara agrees.

And writes hers inside of a copy
of love in the time of cholera.

But!
Instead of giving it to him,

she puts it back on the shelf
at the bookstore.

- I can't believe I'm gonna
do this, but I'm gonna

ask a question.
- Please don't do that.

- Why would she do that?
Just give him the number!

- Why, indeed.
- You're gonna make it longer.

- To see if they were destined
to be together.

- Now then--
- oh, so she didn't really

like this guy.
- Well, hold on, because

Sara has Jonathan write his
number down on a $5 bill,

which she gives away, right?
- Why--why--why wouldn't he

just write it on a $1 bill?
$5 is a lot of money.

- I agree.
It's a slight flaw in the film.

Cut to several years later.
In fact, the day before

Jonathan is to be married to
someone else.

- Why are you doing this to us?

He takes a long walk around
New York City.

He's not sure he's marrying
the right woman.

That very night,
he receives a gift,

at his own wedding rehearsal,
and guess what it is?

That's right, a copy of
love in the time of cholera.

- [Whimpers]

Sorry.
Please, continue.

- He takes a deep breath.
He opens it, and yes!

It's her number!
At the same exact time

Sara reaches in to her purse
to pay for a drink

and pulls out the $5 bill with
Jonathan's number on it.

Destiny.
They meet up again

in central park and they kiss,
just as

that same little snowflake
drifts gently down from heaven.

- Naw, bullsh--.
That is bullsh--.

- No goddamn way
that's the same snowflake!

- Respectfully, yes it was.

- So wait, you think like five
winters ago,

a snowflake fell to the ground,
and, like, melted,

then evaporated and sh--,
went back up to the sky,

then turned back into the same
exact snowflake,

flew back down to earth at,
like, the exact moment that

that dude kissed that chick?

- Yes, I do.

- And I believe you, bro.

- [Giggles]

[Laughter]

- What?

- Sorry, Brian.
It's sweet, it really is,

but there's no such thing as
serendipity or destiny.

- What, you don't believe that
is was serendipity

that you met Johnny?

- [Laughs]
No.

Not really, I mean...

Obviously I love him, but it's
not destiny that we met.

- I think it was.

- Bullsh--.
- I do.

I think we were destined.
- Oh, that's so sweet.

- It is sweet, 'cause I'm sweet.
You know, I remember

the first moment I saw her.
I said to myself

"oh, sh--, I'm gonna fall in
love with this girl."

- What'd you think when you
saw Johnny?

"Holy sh--, this guy's gonna
hit on me."

- I went home with this Jewish
guy a few weeks ago,

and right before we are
about to get busy

he tells me I'm his "bashert."

That's the Hebrew word for
"destiny."

- Whoa, that's kind of intense.
What do you even say to that?

- I looked him deep in the eyes
and I told him

to buh-shut the hell up and
buh-hit it from buh-hind.

[Laughter]
- I do not need to picture that.

- I think it was serendipity
that Maeve and I met.

I mean, think about it, t.

I was supposed to have
a different partner,

but then he got west nile
disease, which is sad because

the dude hadn't even been
to Egypt.

And then they gave me you,
and I met your sister.

I actually dated my last
partner's sister too,

but I definitely do not think
that was serendipity.

That girl was crazy,
like bad crazy.

Not good crazy,
like your sister, t.

Oh, man, Maeve lets me do some
stuff to her, t.

- That's too much.

- Yeah, sometimes it is
too much.

I think we're gonna need
a safe word.

- Billy.
- No, I think "Billy"

would be a very confusing
safe word, t.

- All I know is, you'll drive
yourself crazy

trying to find meaning in every
little event.

- Cash is right.
You'll find serendipity

everywhere if you look
hard enough.

And by "serendipity,"
I mean this drag queen I know.

Seriously, drive anywhere down
Roscoe on a Saturday night,

you can't miss her.
She's like 6'7".

- I know that girl!

She's always got such
great shoes.

- You should tell her that.
She's actually weirdly insecure.

- No, she's gorgeous.

- Look, man, destiny, fate,
all that stuff is just a way

to make people feel like life
makes sense.

- So you really believe that
life is just a random series

of unconnected events that are
ultimately meaningless?

[Over loudspeaker]
- Yes.

You guys hear me?
Hello?

- Do you think it's weird that
Theresa doesn't think

meeting me was destiny?

- [Laughs]

Oh, sh--, I knew this
was happening.

- What?

Not that I believe any of that
crap, but...

I mean, shouldn't she?

- Do you know what they call
chicks who tell men that

they're destined to be together
the first time they meet?

- Yeah, they call 'em
psychopaths.

- That's right, John.
They call them psychopaths.

And "they" are not wrong.

- It's just that I've never
lived with anybody before,

and it'd be nice if Theresa was
just a little more...

Romantic about it.

- Oh!
- Oh, ho ho.

So just because you two moved in
together,

you want her to believe a bunch
of prince charming, fairy dust,

glass slipper bullsh-- you don't
even believe?

Unless you actually, secretly do
believe you're destined to be

together and you were hurt,
because she doesn't.

- No.
- don't--don't fight it, John.

You could be so happy.
Embrace it.

- Mm-hmm.
- It wants to be held.

- Hilarious, you want everybody
to think that you're

a tough guy, but all you really
want are your fairy tales.

- Ambulance needed,
739 east Adams.

- Ambulance 14 responding.
Ooh!

What if it's rapunzel?
You can wake her up with a kiss.

- It's sleeping beauty
you wake up with a kiss.

Rapunzel's the one in the tower
with the hair.

- Well, you'd know
the difference.

- T, t baby, I can't take all
this traffic.

- What traffic?
18th is wide open.

- This traffic in my head, t.
It's mental gridlock.

This serendipity stuff has got
me thinking.

- Oh, don't do that, sweetie.
- It's like--

it's like everything that
happens in life

affects every other thing
in life.

I mean, if we didn't make
the light back there,

where would we be right now?

- At the light.
- Maybe!

But you don't know that!

- Well, yeah, actually I do.
- Or--or you don't.

See?
See?

- Yeah, no, I don't see.

- That's the thing, t.
Nobody sees.

Oh, no.
Oh no, I'm freaking out.

- Oh, okay, deep breaths.
Hey--

- I'm freaking out,
I gotta clear my head.

[Silently working his jaw]

don't worry about it, it just
opens up my head tunnels.

All: Oh!

Carl fainted.
He hit the ground hard.

I'm really worried about him.

- I think you might be
in shock, sir.

- Nah, I think it looks worse
than it is.

Had some bad shellfish down in
Florida once.

That hurt way worse.
Carl!

These men are here to help you.

- Sir, sir, I'm gonna need you
to just stay still.

- Sir, can you tell me
what happened?

- It was amazing.
I'm down here laying sheetrock.

I hear Tim from five stories up
yell "hey Mike, watch out!"

So I look up and then,
[Swish]

Six feet of rebar goes right
through me.

And then, I'm like "holy sh--!
Tim, you see this?"

And then Carl runs over and
he's all "see what?"

And then boom,
Carl's out cold.

- Sir, we're gonna have to
take you to the hospital.

- Mike, it's bad,
it's really bad.

- Are you kidding me?
This is my lucky day!

The city owns this building.
I'm getting paid!

Carl, we're all going down to
the islands,

we're opening up a bar.

Hey, you hear that, Timmy?

- Call it the rebar.

- Bingo!
This guy drinks for free.

- Okay, we're gonna--Mike, we're
gonna get you on the rig.

- Be still.
- Real slow.

[All talking at once]

- No, no, no.
No, no, no.

[Muttering]
Nuh-nuh-oh--

he fainted again.
He fainted--he fainted again.

- A lot of money, you know?
Serious payday, hey!

Stroke!
Stroke!

[Laughing]
I'm just having fun.

Hey guys, I don't have
insurance,

but the city's picking up
the bill,

along with all the other bills
for the rest of my life!

[Laughs]
Hey, what's the food sitch here?

- Oh, you're gonna get food.
- Wow, this is a big hospital!

Could I get a map for when
I wake up?

- Clear the halls!
Clear the halls

- see ya.

- Feeling better, bud?
- Mm-hmm, oh yeah,

just needed my medicine.
Mira, muchacho.

[Speaking spanish]

Es una--
holy sh--.

T!
T, check it out, rinoceronte.

- [Gasps]
Oh.

He missed his court date
last week.

I am gonna enjoy cuffing that
son of a bitch!

- Oh, my god, if we hadn't
stopped to get my icy gulp,

we never would have seen him.
- Yeah, or we would have seen

him and his big nose eating that
burrito through the car window.

- Nah, I don't think so, t.
Weather conditions,

low visibility, we ain't got
no sunglasses--

- sh--, sh--, sh--, sh--!
- This is seren--yo.

Come on, man--
Mira.

[Speaking spanish]

You can have one sip.
Un sip--no, not--

not with me standing
right here, bro!

- You're never gonna finish
that burrito!

[Mouth full]
- Yes, I am!

- They got really good burritos
there, t!

We gotta go back sometime.
- Okay!

- Cheer up, al, at least you
still got your balls!

- Frank.
- Hey, pal!

What are you doing here?
- Oh, well, I'm basically here

all the time, dad.
What are you doing here?

- Visiting a buddy of mine.
Got the ass cancer.

Hey, how old are you, kid?

- 33.
- No sh--?

- Yep.
- Well, okay.

Seven years, you start having
your ass checked.

- Check this sh-- out, guys.

- Hey, Auggie, what's up?

This son of a bitch is so lucky,
I'm surprised we didn't find

a horseshoe up his ass.
- It hit nothing!

- Nothing.
- Jesus.

- That's so cool.
- Here, keep it.

Show it to your friends.
Pull it out at parties.

- Did you guys see that dude
with the rebar?

- Yeah, we brought him in.
- No way!

- We got the X-ray right here.
- Holy sh--!

Do you think you could get him
to sign it for me?

- Hey guys, you're not gonna
believe what's happened.

[All saying they know about
the rebar guy]

- Okay, I'm not talking about
the X-ray.

That driver y'all brought in?

The one who clipped
the roller skater?

They found a massive tumor on
his spine during the mri.

- Whoa.
- Get out.

- It would have spread if they
didn't catch it.

So that crash saved his life.

Reckless dickhead.

- Wait, so you guys were saved
by the roller skater,

the driver was saved by
the crash.

That's two serendipities
in one event.

Something is going on here.

- Plus, we had the rebar man,
and then I happened to show up.

- Oh, we are in a serendipity
vortex.

- I don't know what that is, but
we are in a major hot streak!

- That's exactly what
a serendipity vortex is.

- We gotta find a way to
parlay this!

- I would just like to go on
record as saying that I think

this is all bullsh--.
But I also think

we should go buy lottery tickets
immediately.

- That's it, kid!
You're a genius!

- We got seven minutes to make
it to powerball.

- There's a liquor store on
ogden and Roosevelt.

- Let's go!

Holy sh--, we're gonna win
this thing.

- Stat!

- How good is that burrito,
Billy?

- Oh, it's so good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Come on, dawg.
- Come on, dawg!

You know how good they are.

You sure you don't want to
taste it?

- No, I trust you.

- Yo, I'm only gonna eat up to

about an inch away from your
bite mark.

- Then you're gonna give me
the rest?

- Hell no, then I'm gonna throw
it out, bitch.

[Both chuckling]

Yo...I really don't know why
I was freaking out so much

about serendipity.

Serendipity's absolutely
fantastic.

Led us to this dude we've been
after, and I got free food.

- Hey, Hector, why'd you skip
out on your court date?

- Met a girl, yo.
- Yeah, but you got yourself

another three months mandatory,
dude.

- That's nothing, mama.

She's my destiny.
Three months?

[Scoffs]
I'm talking about eternity.

- Mira, here.
Here she is, Mira, check it.

- Oh, man, she's really pretty,
bro.

- Uch.
Why are men such saps?

- Well, I can't speak for every
man, though I have given this

a lot of thought, as society's
afforded me the opportunity

on several occasions,
and this is what I decided.

There's so many beautiful women
in this world

that when a man commits to one,
it is necessary for him

to believe that he found
his destiny.

Otherwise, he would be powerless

in the face of so many,
many vaginas.

- Damn.
You heard that, t?

- Yeah.
Actually kinda makes sense.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right, Billy.

Go on.
- What?

- Give him a bite of
the burrito.

[Both silently mouthing words]

- Come on.
- No.

- One...Two...
- Here, man.

- That's weird.
- Vortex!

I'm telling you,
if we win this thing,

I'm banning the word "vortex."

- Let me pick the numbers.
- There's no time.

- Quick pick that sh--.

- May we have seven powerball
tickets, please?

- No.
- What?

- What?

- It's after 6:00.
Can't sell tickets after 6:00.

- It's 6:02,
we're only two minutes late.

- And we are in a vortex, sir!

- Two minutes, oh,
is two minutes.

- How can you even trust
that time?

Is it set to the atomic clock?

- Yes, the vice president calls
me every morning,

and we coordinate our clocks.

- Come on, sir,
cut us some slack!

- No can do.

- You're gonna do it, cupcake.

You're gonna get on your
little machine,

you're gonna do your little
typey typey,

and you're gonna spit out our
winning tickets,

or you're not gonna see 6:03!

- Fine.
Fine.

- Yeah, good.
- That's right.

- Here are seven tickets for
next week's powerball.

- You son of a bitch!
I'll kill you.

- Hey!
It's Morgan Davies.

- Oh, that's that chick we
helped, turn this up.

- No, can't.
Store policy.

- Give me that!

- God, she's beautiful.
- I know.

- But we really never would have
won if it wasn't for those emts

who stitched me up this morning.
My foot's feeling great, guys,

so thanks for that,
and I'll take you out to dinner.

- Oh!
- That's right, see?

- Hey guys, you know what
this means?

Means that we're still hot!

Give us all your scratchers,
you smug little cock-knocker!

Now!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So.
- Hmm.

- I've been giving this a lot
of thought--

- hey, before you say anything,
would you take some of these?

My dad went nuts today.
- Yeah.

I know how hard the idea of
a lifelong commitment can be,

and if you need to believe there
is something bigger out there

that somehow predetermines that
we are meant to be together,

then I'm not gonna make fun of
you, okay?

I actually think it's kind
of sweet.

- Listen, okay, you don't have
to for my sake--

- no, I do, and just because
I don't believe in fate,

doesn't mean I don't trust
my instincts.

I know that you are the right
guy for me.

- Holy sh--!

250 bucks!
[Laughs]

- We won?

- Tell me that's not
serendipity!

- No, but--

I mean, who cares, right?

Let's just go to a fancy
restaurant and eat all the food!

- Yeah, oh, no.

You're not a believer.

I'm gonna take Hank.

- Hey!
Hey, hey, hey.

You give me back that scratcher,
mister.

- No, no, no, no, Hank and I are
gonna go to Gibson's.

- No!
- Yes!

I'll bring back leftovers!
- Seriously?

- Yes, of course!

The portions there are huge, I
can't possibly finish all that.

Listen, I'm gonna be late.
- Really?

- I'll text you when I'm--
I'm kidding!

Come on, we're going!

[Laughing]