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LINDA!

Stop that ruddy whistling, you disgusting Scotch peasant!

'LINDA!'

Duke of Dunstable. Appalling man.

First name begins with 'A', staying here with his niece.

Can't remember her name, of course. Clarence!

No, that's my name! Oh, hello, Connie.

Have YOU seen Linda? Linda!

Alaric wants her. Alaric. Oh, please, Clarence!

I mean, if he doesn't find the girl,

he's going to start smashing things up with a poker.

You! Are you Scotch?

Gae cren yer blargy auld pwist, y'clomping troon.

Ruddy fellow turns up uninvited, trailing nieces,

stays for weeks, spreading distemper.

His own place is vastly bigger than Blandings,

why can't he stay there for a change?

Bellowing about like a mastodon with a hernia. What's this poor, erm...?

Linda.

Precisely, what's she done to deserve to be dragged here? Clarence.

There is sufficient imbecility in this world

without you contributing to it by speaking.

For the last time! HAVE YOU SEEN LINDA?!

Oh, God!

You shall not marry that creeping pustule, Pongo Twistleton!

What kind of an imbecile allows himself to be called 'Pongo'?

An imbecile who looks at my ward and says to himself, "Toot, toot!

"Gravy train! Here comes Uncle Alaric's cash!"

I think not!

And when you find my ruddy niece, you just tell her that.

Very good, your grace. Will that be all?

No! Where's Emsworth? Don't tell me. Cavorting with that ruddy pig again!

The man's potty!

LINDA!

Has he gone, Beach?

He has, Miss.

'LINDA!'

Did he have a poker?

He has a tendency to pokers.

He used one to demolish the drawing room of his own house,

because he could hear Pongo whistling

'The Bonny, Bonny Banks of Loch Lomond'.

He hates Scotland, you see, he really hates whistling,

and above all, he hates Pongo!

He's a great hater, Uncle Alaric.

Yes, Miss. 'LINDA!'

LINDA!

Morning, Duke! Festering fistula!

LINDA!

So. Usual deplorable business. Girl...

the one we were discussing earlier... has to be kept away from young man.

Why? I have no idea. Oh, yes... because he's poor!

I think that's ridiculous. What does it matter?

I mean, suppose you won the Derby and all of a sudden...

Are you addressing your pig?

Ah, Dunstable! Eh? No, I was soliloquizing.

I heard you inciting that animal to run the ruddy Derby!

Good God, Emsworth!

You can't put your shirt on a pig to win a horse race!

Why should the Empress wish to wear my shirt? Empress?

Stone the crows! Now the man is hallucinating royalty!

Dunstable. You're in the presence of the Empress of Blandings.

Emsworth. That is a PIG!

Ah! My dear fellow! You fail to see what I see.

Now, look here. I came for a rational conversation about Linda.

Linda! That's the girl I was talking about. Go on.

Right. That's it. I'm taking the animal off your hands. What?

When I leave, that pig comes with me!

If necessary, in slices!

Ah! Hello, Beach.

WHERE'S RUDDY LINDA?

'Ruddy Linda'?

The Honourable Miss Gilpin, Sir.

Oh, yeah! Isn't she Pongo Twistleton's bit of squeeze?

I believe the two young persons are engaged.

But the match does not meet with the approval of his grace.

Oh, well. No surprise. Frightful thug. Has he smashed much?

I have removed most breakable items

from his usual routes about the house, Sir. Good man.

Oh, and, well... Better move that, rather valuable.

'LINDA!'

LINDA!

Where are you, my dear?

LINDA!

Now about this pottiness of Emsworth's. It's gone too far.

He wants to put a bundle on his pig to win the ruddy Derby! What?

He needs to see a loony doctor, Connie! And fast!

There's only one man for this sort of crisis...

Alaric. Do you speak figuratively

when you say my brother wishes to enter his pig for Epsom?

I do not. I think he thinks because it's a flat race,

the animal stands a chance.

Don't interrupt! Wait there!

Ah! Here is the blighter.

Name's Roderick Glossop.

Is he discreet? I've never met the man.

I try not to mix with doctors, bunch of bloater-eaters most of 'em.

But he had the entire Welsh branch of my family committed,

so he does the job.

Thank you. You. Get me a dozen eggs.

Certainly, your grace. How would you like them done?

I don't want eating eggs, you idiot! I want throwing eggs!

I wish to assault that ruddy whistling Scotchman!

Very good, Sir.

What are you doing? Good heavens!

I'm hiding from Dunstable! What are YOU doing?

I was looking for you. Well, I'm glad you've found me.

D'you know he plans to confiscate the Empress?

In SLICES?

He says you are going to enter her for the Derby.

Connie, you appear to forget, that the Empress is a pig.

It is not her custom to gallop!

Ruddy Dunstable! The man's a LUNATIC!

Beach! I wish to send a telegram!

I say, are you all right? It's my Pongo.

Oh dear! Has it sustained an injury?

Ah! Beach! What is it that requires my urgent attention?

A telegram for her ladyship. Oh! I'll take it!

I'm on my way to touch her for a few quid.

Hundred of 'em, in fact.

Yes, fortune was a bit outrageous on the slings and arrows front

at the Pink Pussy.

Ah! Hello, old prune! How's life?

So I gathered.

Sir Roderick Glossop regrets that he is 'unavoidably detained'.

Oh, that is a shame! Who is, erm...?

Oh! Everyone's heard of Glossop.

Beach?

Sir Roderick is London's premier nerve specialist, Sir.

Exactly. Loony doctor!

God! What does he want HERE?

It is the Duke's intention that your father should be committed, Sir.

He persuaded her ladyship to summon the gentleman.

Wait a bit. Guv'nor? Guv'nor?

You ever had dealings with Pongo Twistleton?

Is that a firm of solicitors?

I bet Aunt C hasn't either. Excellent!

The course of true love, just for once, is going to run tricklingly.

Oh, sadly this telegram failed to arrive.

But Glossop shall...

Pongo!

Are you all right? Yes. Yes. Never better.

Though I may be slightly drunk. Why?

I've been drinking. Ah! Look at my hand.

Steady as a rock! Yes, but I can see three of them.

Problem is, Freddie, I'm a physical and moral coward.

Look, Pongs, all you have to do is pronounce the Guv'nor

fit for human consumption. Eh?

Then he'll square up to Dunstable

and demand blessings of your linkage to lissom Linda.

Backbone, Pongo. Give it some gas. Sir Roderick!

Oh, good Lord! It's my aunt.

Dear lady.

Good heavens! Thank you for coming so promptly.

Promptitude is my middle name.

Actually, it's Ambrose. Call me Rosie.

Lead me to the nutter. Less gas!

'Nutter'? Oh, technical term.

The Earl of Emsworth.

Is he? Or does he merely BELIEVE he is?

No, he IS the Earl of Emsworth.

And although undoubtedly he is eccentric,

I am not at all sure he's mentally unstable.

You seem awfully young, Sir Roderick.

Yes! As a child he diagnosed his little sister

with adenoid fitzo-screamia.

May I be candid?

You are here at the instigation of the Duke of Dunstable.

He wishes you to examine my brother.

I wish you to examine the duke.

My dear, I am so concerned about your safety!

I can't be here with you all the time, y'see, to protect you... Oh!

Ah! McAllister...

Angus...

Edward?

Dunstable? Glossop. Glossop, Dunstable.

Hello?

We met before? Weren't at school together?

Never thrashed you, or anything?

Duke, Sir Roderick is about four hundred years younger than you.

You'd be surprised, the people I've thrashed.

Don't giggle like a ruddy female!

To indicate something amusing has been said, laugh like a man!

Mmm-ha!

If it's excessively amusing, mmm-ha-ha!

Listen, Glossop. Do this right, and I'll see you rewarded.

Understood? Now, let's collar Emsworth...

Sir Roderick does not seem entirely composed.

No, it's a professional strategy.

The patient is lured to decant his anguished soul.

If there is anything I should have been told

about this nerve specialist and wasn't,

I shall drill a small hole in your skull

and suck out your brains with a straw.

That's about as much time as it would take.

God!

God!

Got any eggs on you?

You! Stop that ruddy whistling!

We seek Lord Emsworth.

Ah, hush yir wisht, yer bug babune!

You are begging for an egging!

Lord Emsworth set me here to guard his pug agin the likes of you.

Pig? Gah! Pottiness incarnate!

When we find Emsworth, be trenchant in your judgment.

We shall admire you for it.

You would admire a man who was trenchant with Lord Emsworth?

Immensely!

I should slap him on the back and dine him at my club.

Back to the house!

Shoo!

What are your first impressions? All this business about eggs?

Troubling. Very troubling.

I am nowhere NEAR drunk enough to cope with this!

You're doing swimmingly. Just... try to stop touching my aunt.

It frightens me.

I have taken measures, Beach, but I fear for the Empress's safety.

My lord. May I speak frankly?

My dear fellow, I trust you would never do otherwise.

There is one on the premises, of whom you must be wary.

Damn right. Ruddy Dunstable!

The instrument of Lord Dunstable.

What, like a trombone?

Lord Emsworth, you've got to help me!

I really do believe that if Uncle Alaric says another foul word

about Pongo, I will stick his poker through his black heart!

Oh, good gracious!

Shh! He's coming. I implore you! Tell him I'm not here!

Into the loony's lair, come on. Emsworth, this is Glossop.

Quite possibly thrashed him at school, one can't be sure,

one thrashed so many.

Why's my niece hiding behind that stuffed goat?

It's not a goat, it's an alpaca.

And she isn't!

Clarence, are you actually insisting

that Linda is not hiding behind that creature? I am, Connie!

Furthermore, I have it on good authority

that there is a secret fraternity of brass instruments in the house,

working in concert for our excretion. What?

When I say 'concert', I don't... What are you drivelling about?

'Excretion' isn't quite right either, but you entirely take my point.

It's a CONSPIRACY, Connie!

Glossop. This is the time to be robust.

Commit this loony and I shall see you properly rewarded.

It is clear to me, Duke,

that the patient suffers from

a sublunary medulla... oblongata diathesis.

Wha...? A whole pile of it.

So, it's off to the funny farm?

I would be delinquent not to send him thither. Bingo!

Glossop? You twerp! I call that a highly caddish diagnosis!

No, no, I can explain...

What is 'Glossop'?

Emsworth? You'll be much happier in the long run.

Now why don't you go and have a pleasant lie-down?

I don't want a 'pleasant lie-down'.

I am going to my room!

To stand up!

Unpleasantly!

HA!

Oh, Alaric, what have I done?

Ha!

Emsworth will soon be settled in the Giggle Factory,

with a rug over his lap and a plate of pap.

I'll hang around Blandings, make sure you don't

make a female farce of running the dump.

And if that penniless sewer Pongo Twistleton comes sniffin' round

Linda, I shall drag his pancreas out through his hat.

Mmmm-ha-ha!

What I said was excessively amusing.

I said I wanted eggs!

Oh, Beach.

Indeed, your ladyship.

Perhaps Sir Roderick's professional attentions could be...

..redirected?

Pongo?

Twistleton! You ruddy viper in the bosom!

I did not bring you here to get the Guv'nor trussed

and shipped to a loony bin! Will you stop kissing, while I'm chastising you?

I'm terribly sorry, Freddie. But it was suddenly clear to me

that oiling up to Dunstable was the way forward.

Freddie, please! Pongo is a lamb!

Whatever he did, he did for love of me, which is awfully romantic!

Well, I'm shocked, Pongo. Shocked.

Beach? Come out and look at me being shocked.

Forgive me, I was taking a stroll, and could not help overhearing...

Yes, yes, yes. What are we to do?

In the first instance, are you familiar with the popular melody,

'The Bonny, Bonny Banks of Loch Lomond'?

What? D'you want me to sing it?

No, Sir. I should like you to whistle it.

You know how to whistle, Sir, don't you? Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course.

You blow and then you put your lips together.

Other way round, Sir. Ah!

Beach,

why have I gone to bed? Is it bedtime?

Shortly, my lord.

I just came to warn you, there may be some small commotion

outside your window within the hour.

Are the local people advancing on the castle

with lighted torches and garden forks? No, my lord.

Torches lighted, not the forks. No, my lord. Oh, good.

Good night, Beach. No need to lock the door, though?

Certainly not, my lord.

I cannot imagine how it came to be locked in the first place.

I'm coming...

I hear you...

Come!

What the hell do you want?

Ah. Finally!

ARGHHHHH!

Will that be all, your grace?

Watch where you're going, you stupid bloody woman!

Ruddy hellfire!

Ah, crumpets!

Oh, I say! Now look here, Dunstable!

I thrashed you and you blubbed! Alaric!

YOU! You're the ruddy vermin who needs a damn good egging!

What on earth is going on? Oh!

Pongo! Do something!

Dunstable! DESIST!

It is abundantly clear, Dunstable,

that it is NOT Lord Emsworth who is cuckoo.

It is you!

Before witnesses, you have assaulted the love of my life.

Eh? Er, Miss Gilpin...

I thought you said 'the love...'

We pay no heed, Dunstable, to what you think I might have said.

Escort the duke to his room and lock him in.

In the morning, I shall telephone the Master of Lunacy.

Miss Gilpin, come.

Connie? You've.. got a bit of something on your...

No.

Leave it!

- Where is Sir Roderick? - Who?

Oh! He hasn't come down yet.

And where is Linda?

She hasn't come down either.

Mr Frederick? The duke wishes to see you, Sir. In his room.

Right. Erm... Beach?

I have, Sir, removed all the obvious weaponry. Ah!

Oh my! Duke? Put the slipper on the floor and step away from it!

I need you, damn it!

Listen to me. There appears to have been some fatuous misunderstanding!

I need you to make this clear to Glossop. Eh?

It is completely impossible for me to help you in any way.

I'll give you five hundred pounds, damn and blast you!

And yet I can but try.

Sir Roderick! Whatever is this?

You're an impostor!

Lady Constance, I am.

But, above all, I am a physical coward...

Just ask yourself this, Aunt C.

Is it really in your interest to expose him?

Let me explain the situation as clearly as I can...

Pretty day.

Very pretty. Thought I might as well walk from the station.

How wise you are.

My name's Glossop. I'm afraid I'm a little late.

I'm sure it doesn't matter. Whom have you come to visit?

The Earl of Emsworth.

My dear fellow, I'm the Earl of Emsworth!

I don't consider you to be late at all!

Come into the house and refresh yourself.

You seem well, Lord Emsworth.

Fit as a flea, Sir Roderick, how are you?

I confess to being perplexed... I regret to hear that.

I don't understand why I was so urgently summoned.

Happens to me all the time. I call it having a sister.

Let's have a cup of tea. Come on!

Sometimes, at this time of day, there's crumpets.

You are a rich man now, Pongo.

Oh, my darling!

Buzz me up to the Ritz and dance me stupid!

Oh, Pongo, Pongo, how I love you!

I say, Aunt C, how are you fixed?

Few quid to keep the wolf from the door? No.

EGGS! BRING ME EGGS!

THREEPWOOD!

Ah! Ow!

Did you say you were summoned, Sir Roderick? By whom?

The Duke of Dunstable. Oh.

Is the duke disposed to behaviour that is not entirely rational?

He lays about the place with a poker on a regular basis, if that...

Oh, here he comes now.

ARGHHHHH!

If I were you, Sir Roderick, I'd be inclined to take cover.

Not at all. I'm intrigued.

Oh dear!

Duke, I am Sir Roderick Glossop.

Can you give me one reason not to issue you

with a Certificate of Lunacy,

despatching you to join the Welsh portion

of your family confined at Merthyr Tydfil?

Is there ANY demonstration

of basic sanity you are prepared to make?

You could let your ward, Miss Gilpin, marry the man she loves.

Who is that, by the way?

That one. The pretty one. I mean, surely, Dunstable.

Why obstruct the course of true love? That WOULD be madness!

It will come as no outstanding surprise

to learn that I am going to my room.

If you speak, Clarence,

I will introduce eggs into your person in a manner

you may mistakenly believe to be medically impossible!

Between you and me, I don't think Alaric's entirely right in the head.

Poor fellow.

Have a potato.

Can you whistle?

I have this particular melody lodged in my head...

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