Original subtitles

[upbeat saxophone music]

[laughter]

- Oh, what are you guys laughing at?

That video I sent you of the guy playing the bongos

off his wife's butt?

Oh!

- No. No.

It's a home movie from the annual

Van Bryan family pork picnic.

We're going through old footage to show at our wedding.

- Who's the Kool-Aid man sucking all that marrow

out of the rack of ribs?

- Ah!

- That's my grandma. - Ah.

- Dad, do you happen to have any videos of my Grandma Elsa?

I'm just curious of what she looked like,

'cause she died before I was born.

- Want a video of my mom, huh?

Imagine a chola-shaped dust cloud

and me in an old diaper.

[speaking Spanish]

And now imagine her disappearing from my life.

- How about home movies from when I was a kid?

Mom said that you had them?

- Oh, yeah.

Uh, so remember how

I wasn't in your life for 10 years,

and then I came back?

Then I got sober,

and then I went to therapy, right?

I lost all your videos.

- At least say the dog ate them.

Amateur.

- Are you OK, Mayan?

- It's just really hard to accept that

we've lost the only record

of any happy memories from my childhood.

But I'm not angry.

- Oh, thank God.

- I'm just disappointed.

- Oh, that's worse.

- [sighs]

- Oh, you're mad too?

You're not even in them!

- Don't worry, man.

It'll be fine.

Mayan knows that there's literally

nothing you can do to bring back those lost videos.

- The thing is that they're not lost.

I just can't get them.

- Why? Are they on the floor?

'Cause I can pick them up for you.

- They're in a place that just has a lot of bad memories.

- Oh. What's worse,

disappointing Mayan or facing your past?

- Yeah, well, I guess disappointing Mayan

would be worse, but, you know,

after all these years of doing it so much,

you'd think it'd be easy.

- That's true.

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- So on her podcast,

Dr. Jennifer says that a healthy relationship

is built on a foundation of honesty and trust.

- OK, that's what I've been telling you for years.

- But you don't have your own podcast, Mayan.

Anyway, I am not dating any more toxic liars,

only stable guys who give me

what Dr. Jennifer calls

the warm and fuzzies.

- Oh, so she's a doctor, like Dr. Seuss.

Look, I'm just glad that you're working on yourself,

even if you got it from some old lady's podcast.

- Oh, she's not old.

She's 27, just like you.

Mm-hmm.

Only cooler and better dressed.

- OK. All right.

Well, I'm gonna go see

if Quinten's ready for his lunch break.

- First of all, damn!

On it.

- Ready for lunch?

- I'm, uh, too nervous to eat.

My district manager, Roberto, is here.

He's the one who decides which manager goes

to Applepalooza in Cupertino.

And this year, there is a performance

by Third Eye Blind.

- [gasps] Oh, I know that one song!

We could really use a vacation.

I love our son, but I would love him even more

if I just didn't see him for a few days.

- [chuckles] Yeah.

- So get over there and kiss some ass, Van Lopez.

- Oh, I will.

Uh, but--but it looks like

Roberto's busy helping your mom.

- So your parents are still married,

you like your job,

and you return your shopping carts?

[laughs]

How do you do it?

- I do yoga.

I meditate.

I journal.

- Ah! [laughs]

What?

But you're a man.

Is it, um, getting warm and fuzzy in here?

- I'd be happy to adjust the temperature for you.

District managers can do that.

- Oh!

[laughs]

- Your mom is not flirting with my boss, is she?

- Oh, no.

Come on. You know my mom.

She's probably just working it

to get a discount on some new headphones.

- [clears throat]

Guess who has a date with an honest and stable guy.

It's me!

- [laughs]

Since when is that your type?

- I can tell you-- since her best friend,

Dr. Jennifer, told her.

- All right, don't be jealous, Mayan.

It gives you wrinkles.

I am into nice guys now.

- Uh, yes, I love that for you.

Um, but out of all the nice guys out there,

why do you have to choose the one who could fire me?

- You should be proud of me.

In the wise words of Dr. Jennifer,

take the win, you dumb sluts.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Good news.

Roberto texted.

He says, "Date went great.

Rosie amazing."

- Is this how guys text?

Like cavemen?

- There's more.

"I owe you one, something big."

- Something big?

You know what that means?

- Access to the thermostat.

- No, the trip to Cupertino.

Me, you, swaying our hips to "Semi-Charmed Kind of Life."

- Sounds like a dream!

- And even better, my mom is finally dating

someone who's good for her.

- Yes.

- I'm here,

and I might be queer,

because that was the worst date ever.

- What?

No, that--that can't be.

"Date--date went great.

Rosie amazing."

- He asked too many questions.

"Where are you from?

What's your family like?"

- It sounds like Roberto was just trying to get to know you.

- Ugh! Why?

And I hated the way he can't make decisions.

Don't ask me what kind of wine I prefer.

Pick a bottle so that I can say I don't like it.

- Don't take this the wrong way,

but he sounds stable,

and you sound crazy.

- Oh, do I?

He got me daisies, OK,

when clearly I am a rose woman.

My name is Rosie!

Here. - Oh.

- I know how much you like a basic flower.

* *

- There it is, the Lopez family storage unit.

For generations, anything a Lopez wanted to forget about

was thrown in there.

- Why don't you guys just throw it away

so I can rummage through it?

- We're not gonna throw it away.

We're hoarders!

Mayan's videos are in there.

- Then what are we waiting for?

- My mom's stuff is in there.

My grandmother dumped it in there when she left.

I don't want to see that stuff.

Old makeup case with her eyebrow stencils.

Once her eyebrows went on, then she'd be gone for a week,

except one time, she didn't come back at all.

- You got this, man.

Your mom's eyebrows can't hurt you now.

- Thanks.

Doing this for Mayan.

- You know, with all the stuff you misplaced,

I'm surprised you still have the key.

- Yeah. Me, too.

Lopez family key.

Where's all the stuff?

- Don't take this the wrong way,

but you might not be a hoarder.

What I am seeing, though, is an upgrade

from living in the truck.

Fully furnished, turnkey.

- Why, hello, kind sir.

I'm just here in the dead of night

to store my trusty bolt cutters.

I will be on my way.

Ha-ha-ha--oh.

Just came here for my daughter's videos.

You're disappointing her!

- Hey.

You cannot enter my home without a warrant.

* *

- OK, I just had a long talk with my mom

about giving Roberto a second chance

by going on a double date with us.

- And that worked?

- No.

She said she didn't want to see him again.

But then I said, but what if you did?

And then I held up Dr. Jennifer's book titled,

"But What If You Did?"

- I just don't think your mom is ready to accept a nice guy.

- But Roberto is exactly the kind of guy she needs--

loyal, honest, a credit score above 200.

- But that is not what gets her guavas going.

- You're right.

We gotta make Roberto passionate,

edgy, a little dangerous.

- Oh.

Like me.

- I said passionate, edgy, a little dangerous.

We just got to get her started

down the road to a healthy relationship.

And if that road happens to have

a off ramp to Cupertino, it's a win-win.

- And that is where I'm gonna get your guavas going.

- OK, where did you hear that?

[upbeat saxophone music]

* *

- I don't know about this.

I look like a guy who has a naked woman

painted on the hood of his car.

- That's exactly what we're going for.

Look--look, Rosie likes you,

but I think you'll really lock it down

if you just lean into your dangerous side.

- Oh, like in high school when I was percussion lieutenant

in the marching band?

- How was that dangerous?

- If one person trips, we all fall down.

- Let's just say you played drums in a band.

Leave it at that.

Get in there, bad boy.

- Hello, beautiful.

- Hello, Roberto.

- These are for you.

- How did you do that?

- I'm a Magic Castle certified illusionist.

- [clears throat loudly] - Oh.

In the streets and in the sheets.

- And just wait until you hear about his other

edgy, adrenaline-pumping hobbies.

- Like D&D?

Which, as you know, stands for

Drunk and Disorderly.

* *

- Who could have taken all of your stuff?

- I mean, I don't know.

Those videos are gone.

Now there's nothing I can do to make Mayan feel better.

- Whenever Mommy's mad at me, I draw a picture of her.

It's trash, but she still throws that baby

up on the fridge.

- So that time that you broke the window in the garage,

you just did some half-assed art project,

and your mom was all right with it?

- Yeah.

Thanks to you, in this house, the bar is low.

- But you know what?

You only get away with that

because you're a cute kid.

- Hey, nobody told you to grow up like that.

* *

- You spend enough time on the road with your band,

and you become pretty close.

Those are 15 of my best friends.

And that's just the drumline.

- Band had to cycle through a lot of drummers

'cause of, uh, all the, uh, drug issues.

- You have a lot of crazy stories, Roberto.

Some people would say that's a red flag.

- But some people--

Dr. Jennifer--would say,

sometimes a red flag is just a green flag in disguise.

- Rosie, I know we've only known each other

for a short time, but when it feels right,

it feels right.

Rosie, have you ever been to Cupertino?

- Oh, is--is that in wine country?

- Oh, no.

But they do have the biggest BevMo!

in the Bay Area.

Would you like to go with me?

- Roberto!

You can't give the trip to Cupertino to yourself.

- Bad boy can do anything he wants.

So what do you say, Rosie?

- Oh, I don't know.

It seems a little sudden.

But maybe it's a green flag in disguise, right, Mayan?

- But some green flags wear two disguises

and are a green and a red flag at the same time,

but mostly a red flag.

Dr. Jennifer in Chapter 14--

- Oh, can it, Mayan.

Dr. Jennifer never said that.

- She may have.

I never finished the book.

- This man doesn't get drunk and disorderly

or play in a rock band.

- You knew that?

- Yeah.

You ordered a virgin spritzer on our first date.

- I thought it was a cool drink.

- [sighs]

- I'm sorry.

Quinten told me if I'd be edgier,

you'd like me more.

- Why are you guys trying to manipulate me?

- We genuinely want you to date a stable guy.

And we also wanted to go to Cupertino.

- But we want you to date a stable guy more

because otherwise we would sound like terrible people.

- You are.

You're a bunch of liars.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, no, not you.

You're just a gullible nerd

who's never had anything like this.

- I guess you're really mad at us?

- No.

I'm not angry.

both: Oh, good.

- I'm just disappointed.

both: Oh, God.

- I'm sorry we steered you wrong, Roberto.

- I get it.

You're one of our top employees at the Apple Store.

If anybody has earned that trip, it's you.

But you're not getting it now, ass-face.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Hi, Mom.

- We're here to apologize.

- For trying to pimp me out

in order to get a free trip?

And a domestic one at that?

- Mom, you have every right to be mad.

It was wrong to manipulate you and Roberto.

- It just hurts to know that you don't believe

that I can change.

- We do believe in you.

We should not have rushed things.

- It's a huge deal that you want a healthy relationship.

And we'll support you, no matter how long it takes.

- Well, give me some credit.

It might not take that long.

- Hi, there.

OK, bye there.

- Thank you, Roberto.

- Thank you, Rosie.

- What?

It was cold in my bedroom, so he heated things up.

- Mom!

- [speaking Spanish] Not like that.

My thermostat wasn't working, so he fixed it.

Well, who knew that a nice guy with tech skills

would get my guavas going?

- That's where I heard it.

* *

- Welcome.

Step and repeat until you find your seat.

- What's happening, Gordo?

- What is a home movie?

It's a question that's been asked for centuries.

A series of dazzling family images

that take you back to the sights,

sounds, and emotions of--

oh, what's that word?

- Particular.

- Particular time.

- Wait, so you found my old videos?

- Uh, no.

But I am sorry that I disappointed you.

And I hope that this is something that makes you

feel a little bit better, OK?

[upbeat music playing]

Mayan, get out here.

I have something for you.

- A new bike?

Thanks, Daddy.

But where are the training wheels?

- Ah, loca, training wheels.

You're a big girl now.

It's time to learn how to ride a big girl bike.

Get on.

- I'm scared.

- Don't worry.

I got you.

Start pedaling.

Now fly, my little dove, fly!

- I'm the queen of the world!

[crashing]

- Uh-oh.

- I'm here!

[gasps] And oh, my God!

My baby!

George, what did you do?

- I was teaching her how to ride a bike.

- She's too young.

- Get off my back, woman.

- You always do this.

- I don't have to explain myself to you.

- Yes, you do!

- Mommy, Daddy!

Stop fighting! I'm bleeding!

- And scene.

- Oh, George.

- All right.

I know it's not perfect, but I'm pretty sure

that's exactly how it went.

- So you thought it was a good idea

to spend all day making puppets and shooting something

completely unusable for the wedding?

- Yeah.

- I love it.

- You're not disappointed in me?

- Not even a little?

- Thanks to my dad, in this house, the bar is low.

- I told you.

- That's great. Thank you guys.

Hey, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Hey, Rosie, Chance, come on, let's load up on snacks.

We got two more hours to watch.

- Two hours?

- Yeah, those puppets fight at a birthday party,

a water park, a baptism...

[knocking]

- Oh, hi. Can I help you?

- Yes, does George Lopez live here?

- Yes, he does.

And we are very sorry for whatever he did.

- I got a call from my storage facility.

They said he was looking for these.

- Wait, my home videos.

- Yeah.

- Sorry, who are you?

- Well...

Hi, George.

- What are you doing here?

- Dad, who is this?

- I'm Elsa, his mother.

- Grandma Elsa?

You said she was dead.

- She is to me.

[somber saxophone music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0