All language subtitles for The Honeymooners - S04E24 - Please Leave the Premises

ANNOUNCER:
With the stars...

and...

Hey, Ralph.

Ho, Ralph. Ralphie boy.

- Hi, Ed.
-Hi there, Alice.

Ralph isn't home yet.

Not home yet?
Kind of late, isn't it?

Well, he'll be home
in a little while.

He stopped off at the doctor's
on his way home from work.

The doctor's? Anything wrong?

Well, nothing serious, Ed.
It's just that...

Well, have you noticed
in the last couple of weeks

how Ralph's been
flying off the handle

at the slightest
little thing and...

he's been so nervous
and irritable lately?

So, uh, nervous
and irritable lately?

(chuckles) Alice, let's face it,
he's never been 100%

in the laugh department
or the happy department.

I can't even remember
when I seen him smile.

Last time I seen his teeth,
when he was trying to bite me.

(snorts, growls)
Oh, boy.

Well, it was on account
of that nervousness

I thought he should go
to the doctor.

I figured maybe the doctor
could give him something,

you know,
that would calm him down.

Well, maybe he can.

Hiya, honeybunch.

Hi, Ralph.

And some sweets for the sweet.

Oh, thanks, Ralph.

And how are you, my pal-o-mine?

Well...

Alice, I think the doctor's
doing pretty good so far.

Mr. Hyde here is fast
becoming Dr. Jekyll. (chuckles)

What'd the doctor say, Ralph?

Alice, that doctor is a genius.

An absolute genius.

I am never going to be nervous
for the rest of my life.

Well, what did he do?

It's so simple that you're not
gonna believe it.

You're not gonna believe this!

He gives me an examination, see,
and he says the reason

-that I'm nervous is because
I get aggravated. -Yeah.

He says, "You know, you get
aggravated and right away

you blow your top
and you get nervous."

So he gives me
a little thing to say,

that whenever I'm steamed up,
I say this little thing,

and I'm not nervous.

Well, like what?

As I said, you're not
gonna believe this.

Here it is, he says whenever
I get steamed, I say this:

"Pins and needles,
needles and pins...

...it's a happy man that grins."

Then I smile to myself.

And then I say,
"What am I mad about?"

And it works. I couldn't think
of what I was mad about!

- And I've been aggravated
several times tonight. -Really?

- You mean you tried it out
already? -Why, certainly.

I was aggravated as soon
as the doctor gave me the bill.

But to really test it,
to really test it,

I came home from the doctor's
on the subway.

And I want
to tell you something.

If you want to test
a cure for aggravation,

-just get on the subway.
-Oh, yeah.

That is the Aberdeen
Proving Grounds.

I wasn't in there five minutes

before I was aggravated
a million times.

Some dame had an umbrella
under her arm,

kept poking me in the ribs.

Another guy was carrying
a rose bush,

sticking it in my face.

Another guy had a piece of wood
on his shoulder,

hitting me in the back
of the neck every five seconds.

But I just stood there,
just stood there,

and I said, "Pins and needles,
needles and pins,

it's a happy man that grins."

Then I smiled and I said,
"What am I mad about?"

And believe it or not,
I just couldn't think

what I was mad about.
I'll never be nervous again.

Oh, I'm so happy, Ralph!

Well, suppose you get my supper,
I'll go in and wash up.

All right.

Well, what do you think, Ed?

Well, let me tell you, Alice,

that if this, uh, pins
and needles thing works

and really calms Ralph down,

I think that it should be
presented to the U.N.

as the greatest instrument
known for peace in our time.

(knock on door)

Come in.

- Oh, Mr. Johnson.
-How do you do, Mrs. Kramden?

- Hello, Mr. Norton.
-Hey, Johnny boy.

- Aren't you a little early this
month, Mr. Johnson? -Well...

Yeah, you're not due for another
week to collect the rent.

Well, I'm just not
collecting the rent.

I'm just going
around the building,

giving out these notices.

Oh.

Uh, what's it say, Alice?

- I have one for you, too,
Mr. Norton. -Oh.

Mr. Johnson!

This notice says
you're raising the rent.

- It does? I hope mine don't say
the same thing. -Well...

You see, Mrs. Kramden, I went
down to the rent commission,

and they gave me permission
to raise the rent 15%.

My reasons are right there
in that notice.

I knew this would happen
as soon as the war ended.

I've gotta be going now.

I've got to give these out
to the rest of the building.

RALPH:
Hey, hiya, Johnson!

You're just the guy
I want to see!

- This is perfect.
-Well, I'm very busy...

Look, I have noticed,
Mr. Johnson,

that you're a very nervous guy.

You know, y-you just can't
calm yourself.

Every time you come up here
to speak to me,

you get upset and nervous.

Well, pal, I got
the greatest cure

for aggravation
that was ever invented!

- Well, Mr. Kramden, I...
-It'll only take a minute.

It might change
your entire life.

Now, look, if you ever
get nervous, see,

and you're aggravated,
all you have to do is say,

"Pins and needles,
needles and pins,

it's a happy man that grins."

Then you put on a big smile

and you say to yourself,
"What am I mad about?"

And believe me,
you won't be able

to remember
what you're mad about.

I just wish I had something
to aggravate me right now

to show you how it works.

Here you are, Ralph.
Maybe this'll do the trick.

All right, a little test.

Pins and needles,
needles and pins...

-it's a happy man that grins.
-See that?

Look, look, see? Boy,
it's working like a charm.

Look at the nice...
how nice he's smiling.

-(laughs) Good.
-Now, what am I mad about?

They raised the rent 15%.

Pins and needles!
Needles and pins!

It's a happy man that grins!

See that, Alice?

Mr. Johnson, there is
a perfect example

of how this pins
and needles thing works.

He fought a battle with himself,

he fought this battle
and he won the battle!

Now he's gonna go in there
for a few seconds

and he'll think it over,
get calm, cool and collected,

and in a couple of seconds,
he's gonna come out here

refreshed,
with a new lookout on life.

Wait till you see now.
One, two...

You...!

...are not gonna get a dime!
Not one thin dime

-are you gonna get!
-Wait a minute, Ralph, Ralph.

- Pins and needles, needles
and... -Aw, shut up with that!

You've got some crush,
Johnson, some crush,

coming up here,
trying to raise our rent.

You should be lowering our rent!

Just a minute, Mr. Kramden.
Uh, the rent commission

just didn't give me this--
I had to prove hardship!

Prove hardship?
What did you use for evidence?

- A picture of this dump?
-Oh, Ralph.

It is not worth
getting aggravated about.

It only amounts
to five dollars a month.

Get a load of Mrs. Vanderbilt!

"Only amounts
to five dollars a month"?

Five dollars a month!

Do you realize how many times
I got to drive that bus

up and down Madison Avenue
to make five dollars?

Will you answer me one question?
What are we gonna do about it?

Let's just pay it, that's all.
There's nothing else to do.

That's right,
you've just got to pay it.

You're not getting
an extra cent out of me.

Well, anybody who doesn't pay it

is just going to go out
on the street!

Is that so?

Well, suppose
I lock myself in here.

Then how are you gonna
put me out?

- Then how are you
gonna put him out? -All right.

Lock yourself in here.

See how you like living
in here without any water.

Or any heat! Or any gas!
Or any electricity!

Because if you lock
yourself in here,

I'm going to shut them off.

You wouldn't dare.

You're bluffing!

Just see if I'm bluffing.

I'll see, all right.

I'll see.
(chuckles)

He doesn't scare me.
He's bluffing.

Ralph, you're not serious
about this?

I was never more serious
in my life.

I know a bluff
when I see a bluff.

He's a bluffing bluffer...
bluffer.

You can say that again.

- Bluff.
-Don't worry.

When Norton and I lock ourselves
up in our apartments,

-we'll see who's bluffing.
(chuckles) -You're so right.

When me and you
lock ourselves in...

Hey, wait a minute. I thought
you was in this by yourself.

What do you mean,
in it by myself?

You and I have
to fight for a cause.

Don't forget, if we both lock
ourselves in our apartments,

we're stronger.
In unity, there is strength.

But I don't wanna
lock myself in my apartment.

Ralph, you don't mean that
you're really gonna go through

with this and you're gonna drag
this poor soul into it with you?

I certainly do,
and that's my final word on it.

He's bluffing
and I'll prove it to you.

Ralph, this is just plain crazy!

Yeah, he's gonna shut off
the gas, electricity,

hot water, heat.

It's crazy, Ralph!

BOTH: Pins and needles,
needles and pins,

a happy man is
a man who grins.

(both growl)

Ralph...

Just keep moving,
just keep moving.

- I'm so tired and so cold!
-I don't care how tired you are,

-keep moving.
-I'm frozen.

We once stop, we're goners.

I'm dead.

Come on, Ralph!
Come on, let's keep moving.

We'll make it too easy
for the men in the white coats

to catch us.

Oh!

Come on, Ralph.
Let's give this up.

Do you realize
we've been freezing to death

in this apartment
for three days?

We haven't had
any heat, any gas,

any water, any electricity.

And now you got this crazy
barricade up here, Ralph.

We can't even go out
and buy any food.

Do you realize that the ice
box is practically empty?

I am not giving up, Alice.

I'm not giving UP!

Boy, you kill me.

A few inconveniences,
right away you want to quit.

This is war, Alice. War.

War!

It's got to be run like a war.

Don't forget, Washington
at Valley Forge

didn't have
any conveniences, either.

He was fighting for a cause
the same way I am.

He didn't give up,
and I'm not gonna give up.

I'm exactly like Washington
at Valley Forge.

Not exactly, Ralph.

George did not have Martha
with him.

I'm here, Ralph.

Martha was home in a nice,
warm house in Mount Vernon.

Now, get this through your head,
Ralph, and get it straight.

I'm getting out of here
right now.

You are going nowhere.

There will be no deserters
in this army.

This is war, Alice. War.

And I'm the general.

The general! I'm running
the whole thing here.

Just remember that.

You're a private.
You got nothing to say.

Nothing!

I'm the general.

What I say goes.

Then you better say "Alice,"
'cause I'm going.

Now, wait a minute.
I'm telling you now,

I just can't
understand you, Alice.

Every time I try
to do something,

I get no backing from you.

You never get behind me.

Other husbands do things,
they can always be assured

of their wives
standing behind them.

Why can't you stand behind me?

Oh, it's not my fault, Ralph.

There just isn't
enough room back there.

(g rumbles)

Ho-ho!

Bang, zoom!

You and your wisecracks.

You don't understand, Alice.
This isn't a fight, Alice.

That's not what I care about,
the fight, Alice.

It's the principle
of the thing.

Sure, it's five dollars now.

We pay this five dollars,
ten years from now,

they'll raise our rent
another five dollars.

Ten years after that, it'll go
up another five dollars.

Don't you understand?

That's why I can't give up.

Oh, well,
now I understand, Ralph.

I didn't know you were
planning on staying here

in this apartment
for the next 20 years.

Why, if I'd known that, Ralph,
that changes the whole picture.

Now I'm entirely in favour
of not giving up!

I'd rather freeze
to death right now!

And speaking of freezing,

your half hour is up
so just hand it over.

What do you mean,
my half hour is up?

It hasn't even been
five minutes yet.

- You've had it a half an hour.
-Five minutes.

A half an hour, so just hand
it over, George Washington.

Doesn't make any difference.

It's cold now, anyway.

And don't let me catch you
drinking a drop of that water.

We gotta conserve it.

Oh, I wouldn't think
of it, Ralph.

I'm saving it for Sunday dinner.

-(pounding on door)
-C)h. ..

Aha. Thought I was nuts, huh?

Thought I didn't know
what I was doing?

I told you he was bluffing.

All right, Johnson,
is that you out there?

It's me, Norton!

Norton?

What is that idiot doing out
of his apartment?

What is this idiot doing
in this apartment?

(g rumbles)

I hereby claim this territory

for the United States
and name it Little America.

What are you doing
out of your apartment?!

I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I come down here to tell you

what I'm doing
out of my apartment.

The war is over.

We have met the enemy.
We are theirs.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking
about: the sheriff

and the landlord were just up
to my place a little while ago.

Said if I didn't sign
the rent increase

that they'd slap
an eviction notice on me.

I guess they're not bluffing.

- An eviction notice?
-NORTON: Yeah. -All right.

That's sort of a printed
"out, out, out, out!"

What could I do?
I had to sign it.

Very well, General Washington.

I shall get your pen
so you can sign the peace treaty

as soon as the sheriff arrives.

Boy, I'm telling you, Ralph,
frankly, I'm glad this is over.

I never spent such a miserable
three days in all my life.

I didn't mind being cut off--

electricity, heat,
hot water, that stuff.

But being locked up
with Trixie for three days

is more than I could stand.

Here's your pen, General.
You can sign that

the minute
the sheriff gets here.

You sign that rent increase.

I won't need that pen. Look out.

ALICE:
What do you think you're doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

If the sheriff
can't get in here,

he can't serve me
with an eviction notice.

Oh, boy, Ralph, you've
really cracked up this time.

-(pounding on door)
-I cracked up, huh?

(chuckles)
There he is. Look out.

Well, is that you, Johnson?
Ready to give up?

That's right, Kramden,
and I got the sheriff with me!

Open up!

You think I'm nuts or something?

If I open up the door,
you send the sheriff in

and he gives me
the eviction notice. (laughs)

I'm not opening the door!

Stay in there.

But the sheriff is posting
one of his men

out here in the hall.

And the minute
you open that door,

he's slapping you
with an eviction notice!

And don't try
to sneak out the fire escape!

He'll have a man out there, too.

Told you, didn't I?

Scared to death.

Well, I would like to wish
you and Alice a lot of luck.

I think you got a lot of spunk.

What I'm gonna do right now
is get Trixie

and we're going out
and have a steak dinner.

I haven't had a decent meal
in three days.

Where do you think you're going?

I just told you,
I'm gonna get Trixie--

we're going out
and have some steak!

You're going nowhere.

This is war, Norton.

War! Total war.

And I'm the general
of this army.

Just remember that.

You're nothing but a sergeant.

And you are a private,
so don't say anything!

I am the general!

I'm running this thing.

What I say goes.

But I paid the rent increase.

I don't care.

I'm fighting this war for you

as well as I'm fighting it
for myself.

Where are you going, Norton?

Your first sergeant
is going over the hill!

You're going nowhere!

I'm starved! I haven't had
a decent meal in three days!

If you're hungry,
there's nothing to worry about.

Alice'll fix us
something to eat.

- Fix us something to eat.
-Sure, I'll fix you some supper.

- Get those chairs down.
- I'll fix it right away, Ralph.

- Soon as we eat,
we'll feel much better. -Yep.

You'll feel very good
after something to eat.

You've got fingers
in your gloves-- fix the silver.

How'd you like some fingers
in your nose?

The general!

All right, boys.

Dig in.

What do you mean, dig in?
ls this all we got?

That's right, General.

The supply boats
just couldn't make it

through the blockade.

You're gonna make it
to the moon, though,

I'll tell you that.

Let's eat our supper.

I don't like celery!

Well, then pretend
it's something else.

I read one time in some book
where a couple of guys

were marooned on an island. All
they had to eat was coconuts.

They pretended
it was something else

and they got along fine.

Think it might work?

I know it'll work.

All right.

(laughs)

You know
what I'm pretending, Ralph?

I'm pretending I'm eating
a steak dinner. (laughs)

That's the spirit.

Mmm, mmm! This steak
is delicious,

done just the way I like it,

particularly
with the mushroom sauce

and those onions on top.

What have we here?

An avocado salad pear!
(laughs)

There's some mashed potatoes
and... Whoo! The gravy...

- Shut up, talking like that!
-You spilled all the gravy!

I'll spill you in a minute!

Listen, Ralph. You can
just stop picking on him.

This wasn't his idea. You know,
you started the whole thing.

- So why don't we just give up?
-We're not giving up.

Wait a minute!

I just got the most
brilliant idea of my life.

Wonder what this idea is.

I don't know and I don't care.

Not only am I hungry
but I'm freezing to death, Ed.

Well, why didn't
you tell me, Alice?

You can have my coat.

Won't you be cold?

Cold? I'm suffocating.

Get in there.

I am.

Like a bunny in a rug.

Thank you.

All right...
(shouts)

Here, tie this
around the table.

Ralph, what are you doing
with those sheets?

Look, Johnson thinks
he's going to outflank me,

but I'm a general
that isn't easily beaten.

Now, he's got a sheriff
outside the door, right?

We can't go out there. He's got
one outside on the fire escape.

We can't get out there.
But he hasn't got one

outside of the window
of our bedroom.

So all we have to do is throw
this out the bedroom window,

slide down, climb over the fence

into Freitag
the delicatessen's yard,

go into the back way
of Freitag's,

get all the food we want,
climb back over the fence,

up the sheets
and into the house

and we got everything to eat.

Ralph, that sounds
very dangerous.

It's a chance I got to take.

All right, Norton,
slip down this sheet out there.

- I'll hold on here.
-I'm not going out no window!

I'm afraid of heights!
I got "heights-o-phobia."

I'm not going.

All right,
yellow belly, I'll go.

Look out.

Let me know
when you're holding on.

- All right.
-Oh, Ralph,

this is another
crazy idea of yours.

Never mind how crazy
it is! I'm going.

All right, Ralph. Go ahead.

Here I go.

(thumping)

Well,

looks like we go out
and have some steak.

What do you mean?

That Johnson isn't
a bad general himself.

The sheriff had one
of his men stationed

on the street right
below that window, too.

Whew!

Ralph.

You mean to tell me

that you're still
not willing to give up?

I said it before

and I'll say it again,

that landlord is bluffing.

Bluffing? He's bluffing?

He's put us out into the street.

Sure, he's put us out
into the street--

that's part of his plan.

That's part of his bluff.

He's trying to scare us.

Well, I don't scare that easy.

This has gotten way beyond
the five dollars extra a month.

This is a whole new thing!

This is might over right now.

What do you think
we're gonna do, Ralph?

What do you have in mind?

Where are we gonna move
all this furniture to?

We're not gonna
move it anywhere.

We're staying right here
in the street.

On the street?

Yes, on the street.

Look, he owns the apartment.

He's got a right
to put us out of there.

But he doesn't own
the streets, Alice.

They belong to the taxpayers!

And we're staying right here!

And as soon as he finds out
that we're blocking his doorway,

you'll hear him change his tune.

Don't worry about that.

All right, Ralph. All right.

You want to continue
this crazy fight of yours

with the landlord,
you go right ahead.

But I don't want any part of it.

Now, until we move back
into that apartment,

I'm packing my things
and going over to my mother's.

Go ahead.

Just like you to give up.

Go ahead over to her
warm apartment. (chuckles)

I'll stay here,
I'll hold the fort!

I started this fight
and I'll see it out!

All right.

All right, Alice.

I'm giving up the fight.

I'm going in there
and I'm going to pay him

the five dollar increase
in rent.

But I want you to understand
something, Alice.

It's not 'cause I want to do it.

It's not because I'm afraid
of the cold

or that I'm hungry.

Or that I'm embarrassed
by being out here.

Don't think it is that,
Alice, 'cause it isn't!

You want to know what it is?

I'll tell you what it is.

And you know what it is
as well as...

I know what it is.

You know what it is!

I'll tell you what it is!

Oh, I'll tell you what it is!

You know that I know
how easy you get virus!

Pins and needles,
needles and pins,

a happy woman is
a woman who grins!