All language subtitles for Dudes.and.Dragons.2015.1080p.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-monkee(1)

(ominous music)

(roaring, crowd screams)

(creature growls)

- Gornak! Run for your lives.

(gasps)

- Save me! Save me!

(Gornak growls)

(screams)

- [Ramicus] Lorash, sweet
of you to wait for me.

- Go on home to
your Meade, Ramicus.

This bounty is as good as mine.

- You're doing this
for the bounty?

I thought you were
about the booty.

- Sacrificial virgins
need love, too.

And you know I'd
never miss a chance

to poach in your territory.

What'll this job be?
Five in a row for me?

- The bogwarf doesn't count.

You know how I feel
about quicksand.

- Yes. And what will
your excuse be this time?

Your horsie scared again?

- You leave horsie out of this.

- (laughs) Look on
the bright side.

Look at all the
gold I'm saving you.

Taverns and the brothels.

(metallic clank)

I know coin's a bit tight
for you right now, Ramicus.

So when you come to,
first round's on me.

- Fair enough.

Tell you what.

Let's find you a
nice, safe tree,

a lot of low-lying branches,

and you can get...
(dull thud)

(Ramicus groans)

(horse whinnies)

- Hep!

(horse whinnies)

(heroic music)

(Gornak growls, Idaria screams)

(screams)

- Let me out of here!

(screams)

- Not today, Gornak!

(high-pitched whine)

(Gornak growls)

See here, foul beast,

this blade will piece your heart

until the very last drop of
blood has drained from it.

(Gornak growls)

(whirling sound)

(horse screams)

(Gornak roars)

(yells)

(metallic clanking and slicing)

(Gornak screams)

Bye, old friend.

(squishing, squirting sounds)

- You are great.

- My reputation precedes me.

Now to claim my prize.

You deserve every
last coin, my lord.

- I'll take that, as well.

- You've done it.

You saved my life.

You've saved my entire village.

How can I ever repay you?

- Let's start with this.

(both moan)

- Hey! Hello!

Lorash, come on. Cool it.

The last thing we need around
here is a Dolvarnog attack.

- He's right.

We mustn't forget
about the beast.

- My dear child, this man is
nothing more than a peasant.

Don't believe his foolish
folk tales and dragon stories.

There's no such
thing as a Dolvar-

(fire roars)
(girl screams)

No!

(Lorash yells)

(crunching, snapping)

(dramatic music)

(door squeaks, bangs into wall)

- My precious, surely.

- The ring. Is it ready?

- No need to hurry.

You've been
traveling a long way.

Why don't you lie down

and let me give you a
little brain tickle?

- Belveeda, please.

Your filthy advances will
not work on me this time.

The ring. I need it.

- A healing stone with
power such as this

does not come without its price.

I have traveled to
the darkest caverns

of this earth to find...

(metallic clank)

You understand the
dangers you invoke?

The moment you step
through that door,

you begin a very
dark path, my dear.

- I realize the gravity
of my decisions.

And I accept their consequences
honorably, fearing nothing.

- If a cruel dismemberment
is what you'd really like,

why don't I just take
you to my bedchamber?

- Enough, woman. The ring, now!

- Forgive me, Camilan.

I've grown so fond of
you over the years,

and I hate to see
you throw it all away

over something so futile.

- Come now, do not blame
me for desiring me.

Many do.

Now a greater calling is mine.

Destiny awaits me.

No matter the risk,
no matter the danger,

I must plunge
forward, ring in hand,

through the darkness,
and do what must be done.

Larec, my sweet,
will you marry me?

- Yes, Camilan, yes!

A thousand times, yes.

- Then accept this ring as a
token of my devotion to you.

- A genuine healing stone?

- A rare gem for the
rarest of beauty.

- Where did you get such a ring?

- Never mind how I found it.

I found it. And I love you.

- Wait. What of the Dolvarnog?

- Fear not, my love.

We are safe under
the canopy of night.

You are free to let
your emotions flow.

As long as you are in
my arms, you are safe.

- Not during the day, actually.

How can a creature have
such hatred towards love?

- Do you speak of the
Dolvarnog, or of my father?

- Does it matter?

Their wrath is equal.

- Come now. My father
doesn't breathe fire.

- There is no need.

His words are just as painful.

- Larec, please.

- He'll never give consent.

- How could he
protest such a face?

- It's not my face he protests.

- Elf or human, we were
meant to be together.

I promise you, from
this day forward,

we will be together.
- [Larec] I know.

- I would slay a
thousand dragons for you,

a hundred orcs,
- [Larec] Okay.

- 4,000 pygmies
- [Larec] Okay.

- It doesn't matter,
a (speech muffled)...

(shrill screams in background)

- You can close your eyes,

but your ears will
hear their shrieks.

(flames roar)

16 lovers destroyed today.

Dolvarnog will
sleep well tonight.

- While other weep.

- They must learn that, as
long as love fills the air,

this wretched creature will
rain down its destruction.

- You cannot blame the beast.

He only does as you command.

- And obey it does.

Imagine.

Soon we will rid the land
of this crippling emotion.

- You cannot stop love, my lord.

- At least none
will dare show it.

- How can you be so cruel?

- Love is cruel, my lady.

Why should I be any
different towards love?

I won't rest until every
soul suffers as I have.

- Surely this cannot
bring you happiness.

- You are right. It
only salves the wound

of my afflicted soul.

But you...

you have the power to heal it.

End this madness.

Humble your heart.
Accept my proposal.

- You know that
that's impossible.

- Is this so horrible a
fate that you will allow

the death toll to rise?

- My dear Tensley, you
know that I cannot.

I cannot accept you.

- You told me that you love me.

- We were children.

- Children don't lie!

- (sighs) I'm sorry, my lord.

- Very well.

The Dolvarnog flies at dawn.

(chains jangle)

(chains jangle)

(crunches delicately)

- It's Elven bread.

Larec wanted you to try it.

- Why aren't you
having any of this?

- I had some on my way
over, so I'm quite full.

- Your friend made it herself?

- (sighs) She's not just
my friend, mother, but yes.

- You'd think that
an immortal race

would have enough time to
develop better cuisine.

(laughs) I just don't
understand these creatures.

- These creatures are
going to be my wife.

Well, one of those
creat-One of those...

I'm engaged to Larec.

- Enough. Our bloodline
isn't dirty enough?

You've gotta go muddy
it up with an elf.

- They're such small creatures.

- I love her!

- Do you love her, or do
you love the idea of her?

- Mother, please!

- I'm just trying to understand.

- You're trying
to change my mind.

- You talk about changing minds?

That wood nymph has
changed you so much

I don't recognize you anymore.

- You know what? You're right.

I have changed.

I grew up.

I'm an adult now, and
I make my own choices.

And I choose Larec.

You will allow us to be wed.

- You're right. Your mother
and I have talked this over.

And if it pleases you,
you can marry tomorrow.

- Thank you, father.

- On the Syrian
Plain, at high noon,

and we'll have the Dolvarnog

take care of the
rest of it. (laughs)

- How can you blatantly
disregard my feeling, Dad?

- How can you
blatantly disregard

your responsibility
to this family?

- [ Camilan] My responsibility?
- Yes, your responsibility!

- Enough.

- We are the last
of the Onsul clan.

If you marry that elf, our
lineal rights are forfeit.

We'd lose our home
and our properties

and everything this
family has built

for the last 14 centuries.

- What good are lands and
riches when your heart is dead?

- Son, you know the law.

I cannot give my consent
until our name is secure.

My word is final on this.

- There's always Ramicus.

(soft, gentle music)

(snores)

- Fly, my dear Bee's Knees.

Deliver my message to
one who can save us all.

Be strong, little one,
and choose wisely.

Look not only for
strength in body,

but also in mind and heart.

Now fly.

(wings whirr)

Please, choose wisely.

(growls)

(loud smack)

(laughs)

(growls)

(both growl and groan)

- Good one.

Let me give you an excuse
for being that ugly.

(both exclaim and grunt)

Well, well, well.

Once again we see
that the human race

is far superior to...
(crunching sound)

(yells)

(squeaks)

(laughs throatily)

What do I say about the crotch?

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

This whole area is
off limits, okay?

We can't all reproduce
from a pod in the mud.

(Shokdor speaks in
foreign language)

(groans) I said I don't
see myself having kids,

not that I want to moot
any possibility of it.

(groans)

Well that's a disqualification,

so you got to fetch the water.

(grunts questioningly)

Because we have a troll to
tackle near Ismar tomorrow,

and I don't wanna run out again.

(speaks in foreign language)

Oh well, that's real mature.

(soft music)

- You sure we're
going the right way?

I feel like we've
been walking forever.

And I've already
eaten all my figgies.

- Can't believe we're
actually doing this.

There's no way he's
ever gonna listen to me.

- I'm not tired or
anything, but I think

horse needs a rest.

- Even if he did listen, and
there's no way we're gonna

find someone that's gonna
marry that selfish slob.

- I wish I had a brother.

I bet horse has a brother.

(horse exhales softly)

Is that it?

You think he has figgies?

- This is ridiculous.
There's no use.

Let's go back.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

- You were thinking about Larec.

Those beautiful eyes,

her perfect hair,

those perky little ears.

So close your eyes
and reach up there

and grab those
knockers before I do.

- I'll do it.

(three sharp raps)

- Besides, he's your brother.

What's the worst
that can happen?

(door squeaks)

- Cranberry!

(Camilan grunts)

(laughs) What do
we have here, huh?

Where did this one come from?

(Camilan exclaims)
(Ramicus laughs)

You gonna join, or just watch?

- Yes.

- Look at this little
stallion. Still a watcher, huh?

Hey, whoo, look at this.
- [Camilan] Get off of me.

Ramicus, please.

- What's wrong with your voice?

- Nothing's wrong with it.

It's been a long time
since I've seen you.

My voice is changed some.

- Hasn't been that long.

But I love what we're
wearing right now.

This is, is that a mini skirt?

Look at those legs,
they're so smooth!

Now, don't be rude. Present
me to your boyfriend.

- He's not my boyf-
- [Samton] I'm Samton.

But don't call me Sam.

- Okay, Sammy.
(snorts in amusement)

Now, what are a couple of
fancy lads like yourselves

doing so far away
from Mommy and Daddy?

(plate slams loudly)

(flies buzz)

(Camilan sighs)

You always did like
the little ones.

Makes a lot of sense, actually.

- I love this woman deeply.

- But that don't mean squat to
dear old Papa Bear, does it?

- I'm afraid he's a racist.

- Oh, wait til he
meet my roommate.

(door creaks open)

- Ork!
(arrow whistles)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy, Bow Finger!

Hey, calm down. We're cool.

(Shokdor grunts questioningly)

Guys, this is Shokdor.
Shokdor, this is the guys.

- Your roommate?

(arrow cracks)
- Is he eating that arrow?

- Yeah. He's crazy, man.

Don't worry about him,
He's just a little mad

that he's gotta go
fetch more water now.

(speaks in foreign language)

Well, you didn't have to do

your cool guy arrow catching
trick, now, did you?

(grunts in disgust)

Okay, we got a little off track.

Let me get this straight.

You wanna marry this
little elf girl.

But Dad won't let you because
he can't trust yours truly

to marry, which I
can't say I blame him.

So you show up at my
door for the first time

in Lord knows how long,
flashing those tiny white teeth

and those deep blue eyes,

and, seriously, not
enough clothing,

trying to convince me to find
any old wench with a heartbeat

and enter into a monogamous
and committed relationship

for the rest of my
earthly existence?

- Yeah, that's; yes.

(fly buzzes)

- Gotta be patient.

Gotta wait til they rub
those front legs together.

(slams loudly)

Ha, ha, ha, ha!
What'd I tell you?

(Samton laughs weakly)

- Ramicus, what say you?

Will you secure the Onsul name?

- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

- If you don't, I will
lose Larec forever.

- I'm sorry, bro.

I'm not gonna endure
an eternity of nagging

and micromanagement
while you disappear

into the magical
Neverwood Forest

with (speaks foreign language),
whatever her name is.

Not my style, sorry.

- Well, what if you
found true love?

- Ha! That's funny.

All right, first of all,
true love doesn't exist.

Second of all, anybody who
buys into that stupid notion

becomes a Dolvarnog's dinner.

And thirdly...

- It's Dolvarnoog,
not Dolvarnog.

Sounds silly when
you say it like that.

- What do I care?

- There's two dots over the "o."

It makes an "oo"
sound, like Dolvanoog.

- Oh, let me see, I
need to write that down.

That's gonna be useful
information someday.

Thank you so much.

Where was I?
- [Samton] And third.

- Thirdly, thank you.

- Knowing his track record,

I'm sure he has some real
daisies picked out for me.

- I happen to have some
exquisite creatures lined up.

- Really? Like who?

(upbeat big band music)

- Well, no one set in
stone at the moment.

But we'll find you one.

- I'm a bounty hunter.

And a busy one, at that.

(speaks foreign language)

Lorash is an idiot,
a dead idiot.

A bit of a perk.

Now that he's gone,
I'll be a lot more busy.

(dragonfly skitters)

Last thing I need around
here is someone special...

unless she has a
price on her head.

- Let's go, Samton.

Told you this is a
waste of our time.

(dragonfly whirrs)

- Dude! I almost had it!

Thing didn't even flinch.

(hissing sound)

- Greetings. My
name is Ennogard,

prisoner of the powerful
sorcerer Lord Tensley.

- He's my favorite wizard ever.

- [Ennogard] Once a
just and goodly man,

he has now turned to the
dark arts of necromancy.

- What's necromancy?
- [Camilan] Shhh!

- He demands my
hand in marriage,

and in my refusal, he
has become enraged.

- He's lucky. She looks crazy.

- [ Camilan] Shhh!
- The recent attacks

of the deadly Dolvernog
have been in his bidding.

He seeks to rid
the world of love.

If my messenger has
chosen to show you this,

then you have been
foreordained to liberate love

once and for all.

You are the warrior
destined to end

the tyranny of Lord Tensley
and the dreaded Dolvernog.

- I smell a bounty.

- Your task will not be easy.

Your life will be at great risk.

But I have faith
in your success.

You must capture
the beast alive,

hold him safely until sundown,

and await further instructions.

Hold nothing back,

as this feat requires the
utmost degree of courage,

bravery, and selflessness.

- Show me the money, lady.

- As I am a woman of no means,

I cannot offer you a
ransom for this deed.

- Okay, I've heard enough.

How do we shut this thing off?

- But, what I am
willing to offer

is something that
is of great worth.

- Okay, I'm listening.

- The castle of Easton
and its surrounding lands,

from the Verbane Forest
to the Anadron Sea.

- Now we're talking.

- And, above this,

worth much more than
all my father's lands,

I offer to the
victor in this quest

my heart, my soul, and my body

for time and for all eternity.

The fate of my soul
and countless others

depends on your success.

Help me if you want to hold me.

You're my only hope.

- Let's load the dojo wagon.
(Shokdor grunts in agreement)

Gonna need some pants.

(lively folk music)

- This here is my pride and joy.

One of the many benefits of
having an Ork for a roommate.

They're natural blacksmiths, so,

with Shokdor's metal skills
and my general genius,

we figured out a
way to get around

without the use of
pesky, finicky horses.

- So then why the replica?

- Oh, I don't know.

Something to remind me of
the old chestnut and gray.

- Well, this net's useless.

Won't the Dolvernog just
burn right through it?

- That's metal.

- It's Mithrilian alloy,
actually, so it's not too heavy.

It's not as strong
as the pure stuff.

With enough work,
you can cut it.

But dragon fire won't melt it.

- How did you find
all that Mithril?

- Well, let's just
say that sometimes

Orks spend all their money
on minotaur tenderloins

and orchid nectar,

so they got to find other
ways to pay their rent.

Like melting down your father's

priceless burial
armor, for example.

Yeah, we learned
our lesson, huh?

(Shokdor grunts)

(lively folk music)

Now we're ready to hunt.

- Let's ride.

If we hurry, we can reach
the village before dark.

(gasping, groaning)

- You've got to be kidding me!

- Is that an Ork fart?

(speaks foreign language)

- That, my friends, is the
smell of goblins in heat.

When the sun goes down,
the goblins get down.

- But if we just get
going, it'll probably pass.

- We're not going
anywhere til morning.

- I told Larec I'd be
there by nightfall.

- Hey, you wanna get tag teamed

by a gang of alpha
goblins, be my guest.

I'm gonna sit that one out.

- Patience, dear Larec.
(horse whinnies)

'Til morning.

Phooph!

- Oh look! I think I see them!

Ugh, never mind.

It's just a squirrel.

Just can't believe he's not back

when he said he would be.

- Ha. Get used to
it, sweetheart.

- Do you think he's agreed?

I do hope they return home soon.

I should really
like to meet him.

I wonder if he's nice.

I want to call him Rammy for
short, you know, for Ramicus?

I bet he's handsome,
just like Camilan.

But Camilan said
he's hairy, but,

you know, hairy can be handsome.

What if it works
out between you two?

We would be sisters,
that would be so fun.

Do you like my ring?

Oh yeah, you made it.
But it's just so pretty.

- Careful, darling.

You must soon make your vows.

Wouldn't want your
tongue to catch fire.

I do hope Ramicus agrees.

- You're telling me.

(dragonfly flitters)

- Bee's Knees!

Have you good news?

(dragonfly squeaks)
Shh, shh, shh! Quietly.

Now, show me the face
of my beloved hero.

(dragonfly chitters)

(loud crash)

- I believe this is
the face you speak of.

I've prepared a roast.

I hope you will join me.

I see your mastering
spell is improved.

He was once my most
trusted messenger.

- He had not obeyed
by magic or force,

but by love...

something you will
never possess.

- You can forget
about the roast!

(sighs)

- Oh, little Bee's Knees.

He may have destroyed
your tiny body,

but what you have
done will destroy him.

Goodbye, my friend.

Well done.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- All I'm saying is, I
was in the room, too.

So mathematically, I
could be the chosen one.

- I don't know, Sambo. I mean,

I think you two would
make a great couple.

- Thank you.

- I'm just not sure you fit
the dragonslayer archetype.

Though, mathematically,
you have 25 percent chance.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- You're a Scrorpio. You're
not compatible with anybody.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

How'd that work
out for you, buddy?

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

Sorry, ladies, but I
think Princess Dragonfly

has somebody else in mind.

- Her name is Ennogard.

- Well, whatever her name is,

it's not coincidence
that her pet fly

chose to visit my home.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

You pay rent. It's my home.

(Shokdor huffs)

It makes sense that it
would choose the home

of a renowned
professional bounty hunter

for such a daunting task.

- Well, what about me?

- What about you?

- Sure, I don't slay
ferocious beasts for a living,

but I've killed a few.

- Pretty sure that bunny rabbits

don't classify as wild beasts.
(Samton chuckles)

- I am skilled in
the arts of warfare.

- Archery?

- Yes, archery. And swordplay,

among other discipline.

- You are handy with a tiny
blade, I'll give you that.

I mean, the way you
shave around the nipple,

it's mesmerizing.
(Samton giggles)

- I am in peak
physical condition.

My arm strength is exemplary,

and I can leg press
six and a half barrels.

Come to think of it,
it's quite possible

I'm the chosen hero
to slay the Dolvenog

and win Ennogard's heart.

- Then can I have Larec?

- Yeah, um, how does your
miniature-sized fiancee

fit into the whole picture?

- I was speaking
mathematically, of course.

I'm still madly in
love with Larec.

- I know you are, buddy.

- I guess it could be possible
that you're the chosen one.

- What can I say?

- I always knew the right face

would change your
mind about marriage.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Who said anything
about marriage?

- Didn't you listen?
That's the reward.

Her heart, soul and body.

- Well, I'm only
interested in the latter.

Shokdor and Samton
can divvy up the rest.

- I got dibs on the heart.

(Shokdor snarls)
I called it.

- You don't deserve to be loved.

- Kinda hurts, Cami.

Not really.

- (laughs) Good one, Ramikins.

(Ramicus laughs)

- They're here! I see them!

They're back!

- And what of Ramicus?

- I can't tell. But
they're not alone.

Oh!

I'm so excited.

- Larec, wait!

- Camilan! Camilan!

- Larec? Larec!

- Wait!

- I'm coming, my love!

(Dolvarnog growls and screeches)

- Samton, get up here.

- Thank you, Ramicus,
I'm fine back here.

- I need you to drive.

- I can't drive.

- You're about to learn.

- I...

Ramicus...

(exclaims)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(wagon roars and screeches)

- Larec!

My love, I have so
much to tell you.

- Where were you?
I was so worried.

- Forgive me. I came
as soon as I could.

- I forgive you, my sweet.

(Dolvarnog growls)

(Larec gasps)

(Dolvarnog screeches)

(Larec gasps)

(Dolvernog screeches)

- There's a sword on my seat.

- You know the drill.

(Larec groans)

(Dolvarnog screeches)

(sharp thud)
(Dolvarnog screeches sharply)

(Shokdor growls)

(Shokdor splashes)
(Dolvarnog growls)

(Samton and Ramicus exclaim)

- I said, hold her steady.

- I'm not good with fake horses.

(metallic grating sound)
What was that?

- Pull the lever back.

Go straight.

(Dolvarnog roars)

That's it!

- Er, Ramicus, do something!

Ramicus!

(fire explodes with a roar)

- There goes the after party.

(Dolvarnog roars)

(wagon squeaks to a stop)

- (groans) Little heavy
on the brake, huh?

- (sighs) I'm heavy.

Heavy on the break.

- Well done, Samton.
(exhales sharply)

- I'm so sorry, my love.

When I saw your face, I
forgot all danger. (gasps)

- Hush, now. We can't
risk another attack.

(Dolvarnog roars)

- The healing ring. It
will heal her, won't it?

- Not a wound such as this.

- Oh, then can
you do it, please?

Tell me you can do it.
- [Belveeda] It is grave,

but it can be healed.

- Oh, bless you, woman.

- But it will require an
ingredient not easily attained.

- Anything you need
I will acquire.

- Even if it costs your life?
- [Camilan] Anything.

- The wound must be healed

by the instrument
of its violence.

- The Dolvarnog's talon?
- [Belveeda] Yes.

- How's that supposed to heal
it? Doesn't make any sense.

- Sorcery is not
an art of logic.

- Thank you.

- [Camilan] But it can be done?

- Yes. But you must hurry.

If I don't have the talon by
the sunrise after tomorrow,

it will be too late.

- What does the sunrise have
anything to do with this?

- Ramicus, please!

- There is no time to question,

only to act.

- I will avenge this cruelty.

And I will return
to save your life.

- Be careful, my love.

The Dolvarnog shows no mercy.

- And neither shall I.

- (gasps) Take this ring.

- No, you need it.

- You need it more than I.

- I swear to you on our love,

I will return it to
its rightful place.

Goodbye, my love.
(Larec gasps)

Bye.

(horse nickers)

- Relax.

I'm coming with you.

- You'll only slow me down.

- Come on. You really can't
do this without my help.

- This is no longer
about you and your pride.

This time it's about me...

- And your bride?

- Very clever.

Does everything have
to be a joke with you?

- Come on. I'm
just being stupid.

- I don't have time
for your stupidity.

Yah!
- [Ramicus] Hey!

Hey, don't be a fool, brother!

- Camilan, wait!
Wait! (dull thud)

- Your master is
very brave, Samton.

(sighs) Always has been.

Very brave, and a
little bit stupid.

(Ramicus sighs)

You probably knew that.

Camilan rode off alone.

Northward.

- He must travel west.

- He took off before
I could tell him.

- He is in grave danger.

- [Larec] Ramicus?
- [Ramicus] Yes, my lady.

- Come here, brother.

Your hands are like his.

But you're lonesome.

Ramicus, he needs your help.

He's brave, but it
overshadows his judgment.

- I'm afraid he
doesn't want my help.

- He loves you.

He can't say it.

I can see it in his eyes.

He needs you now more than ever.

Please.

- Now, my three
courageous fools,

you embark upon a
quest to fight an evil

more powerful than you
have ever imagined.

All who have attempted
this suicidal task

have met with death swift
and merciless below.

- Okay, yeah, we got it.

Dangerous, thank you, uh...

- I'm not finished!

If you're to have any
chance of success,

you must accept and
use wisely the gifts

which I will bestow
on each of you.

- Presents!

- Much more than mere
presents, my boy.

Samton, your soul
is loyal and true.

But your body lacks the training

to match its physical potential.

So I entrust you with this.

- [Samton] Cologne?
- Hardly.

This vial contains the
essence of the flying Sorin.

- There's not a lot in there.

- One drop is enough to
give you physical strength

beyond your mortal composition.

Use it wisely.

- Shokdor.

As an Ork, you have learned

to find your way
in the darkness.

But with this luminate wand,

you will now know where to
turn to walk in the light.

- Hah! Nice glowstick.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Hey, I'm sure it's
the thought that counts.

- To think earlier
today I longed

to cradle your
head in my bosoms.

- [Ramicus] Excuse me?
- Now, dear Ramicus,

Your insolence may prove
destructive in the end.

But in spite of your mockery,

I will not stay my gift to you.

- Wow.

One of Camilan's
many self-portraits.

Thank you.

Now, where's my real gift?

- That is all I have for you.

- What am I gonna do with this?

- When the time is right,
you will know of its worth.

- Well, thanks a lot, Belvie.

I mean, we're all pretty
pumped about our gifts.

The guys are.

I just feel really bad I
didn't get you anything.

But if you'll excuse me, I
have a kid brother to save.

(Shokdor grunts)

- Good journey.

(fire roars)

- Oh, what do we have here?

(Dolvarnog roars)

Cute love girl.

(chuckles) Oh, yeah.

Get to it.

Oh, you want some of that?

Yeah? Why don't you try that?

Yeah? Ha!

Tailwhip.

Tailwhip!

- Ramicus!

Fireball! Fireball!

(fireball roars)

Get up! Give up!

- There goes the after party.

- Impossible!
(loud bang)

(crickets chirp)

(horse snorts)

- Come, horse.

For Larec.

(Dolvarnog roars softly)

- Do not be frightened.
I'm nothing to fear.

I heard you whimpering.

(exclaims)

(coughs)

(Dolvarnog growls softly)

I'm only here to help.

(Dolvarnog rumbles softly)

Oh!

(Dolvarnog growls
softly and huffs)

Patience. It will soon
soothe, but you must wait.

Looks like you had
quite the battle.

- Sammikins, you gotta shoot
straight with me on something.

- Yeah, what?

- How long has Camilan
been talking like that?

- What do you mean?

- You know. Uh, all
up tight and snooty,

like he's got
something up his rear?

You know, like, "Hey, Ramicus,
where do we find berries?"

- No, it's more, it's
more like, "Samton,

"run your fat legs over here.

"I've got work for you."

- [Ramicus] Yeah.
- I don't know.

Like, his whole life, I guess.

- No. Trust me, that
is a new development.

- That is queer,
come to think of it.

- Yeah. It's more than queer.

It's borderline creepy.

I don't even know how
to broach the subject.

(speaks in foreign language)

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

(Shokdor huffs)

- I can tell it's a
hot button for him.

Probably best not to mention it.

(horse whinnies and snorts)

(horse snorts sharply)

- What is it, horse?

What do you see?

(horse snorts and nickers)

(Camilan screams,
horse whinnies shrilly)

- This is him.

Hide the wagon.
(Shokdor grunts)

We go on foot from here.

- I hope it's not too late.

(Shodor grunts)

(goblins gibber,
shriek and laugh)

(goblin growls)

(Camilan screams)

(Shokdor gasps)

- Yeah.

I heard it, too.

Where did it come from?

- Does this mean that...
- [Ramicus] No.

It's just his cloak.

Doesn't mean that he's...

We better hurry.

(goblins growl)

- [Ramicus] Use that torch, Sam.

These guys hate fire.
(orcs shriek)

Dibs on the queen!

(Ramicus exclaims)

(goblins shriek and growl)

- [Ramicus] Shokdor,
get over here!

- Sorry, your highness.

You're not his type.

(goblin queen howls)

- They're really pissed now.

- Did you see that?

(roars)

(exclaims)

It went out!

Relight me.

- It's not enough.

- [Samtor] You gotta relight it.

They just go out.

- Nice.

- [Samtor] Where's Cam?

- Let's play.

(Ramicus shouts)

(Samtor exclaims)

(energetic rock music)

(sharp thud)

(sharp thud)

(Samtor shouts)

(blows thud, bones crack)

(gasps)

- There goes all my essence.

- You drank it all?

- It was delicious.

- Good.
(Shokdor grunts)

It got a bit dicey
there for a minute.

(Shokdor speaks in
foreign language)

Yeah.

- Cam!

(Camilan groans softly)

Thank the god you're all right.

Don't ever do that to me again.

- Why did you follow me?

- Well, we didn't.

You know, me and the
boys, we got frisky,

so we wanted to hit the forest,

see if we can find
some sweet goblin love.

- I guess when we saw you,
we got a little jealous.

- I didn't ask for your help.

- No, you didn't.

But your tiny little
miniature sweetheart did.

So, how about a
little gratitude here?

Know what? While you're
collecting your thoughts,

why don't you pick up
the rest of your dress

and come back to the
dojo wagon with us.

As soon as Goblintown finds out,

they're gonna be pissed that
we canceled their freak fest.

Also, I murdered their queen.

Now we have a rather
long, southwesterly

if we wanna be anywhere
near the Dolvarnog's lair.

- It's Dovanoog.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- I don't care how
hungry you are.

We're not stopping.

- I agree. We still
have a ways to go

before we're out
of the woodlands.

(echoing roar)

We're definitely
not stopping here.

(Shokdar speaks
foreign language)

- You know that little
elf chick of yours?

- Her name is Larec.

- Yeah, Larec.

She's not bad, you know.

- Well, it's too
bad she doesn't like

the hairy, non-committing type.

- No, man. It's not like
I'd ever be into her.

You know, she just has
really sharp features.

Which look good...

on her.

- Well, I'm sorry you're
so repulsed by her.

- Oh, come on, Cam.

He didn't mean it like that.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- What did you mean?

- We had a little
talk before we left.

I just think she's a
good egg, that's all.

- What did you talk about?

- You, mostly.

- What did she say?

- I don't wanna bore
you with details.

She said you were brave.

- She did?

(owl hoots)

(Samton exclaims)

(Shokdor growls)

- Sorry.

- He's not.

- See? You're not so terrible
at night now, are you?

- [Tensley] Unacceptable!

(Ennogard gasps,
Dolvarnog growls softly)

You showed mercy to that
insufferable couple.

How could you let them live?

(Dolvarnog growls contritely)

I don't care who threw what
at you, you're a dragon!

Kill the warrior and
then kill the lovers.

It's no matter.

Just don't let it happen again.

But to be sure,

I'll have to realign
your loyalties.

(Dolvarnog growls fearfully)

There now, be a good boy.

This dose is twice as
powerful as the last.

You shouldn't have
any more mishaps.

- No!

- Ennogard! It isn't safe here.

You must leave at once.

- Let him be. He's
been harmed enough.

- Oh, no. You don't understand.

This is for his own good.

This will make it so nobody
will be able to harm him.

I'm protecting him,
like a good father.

- No. Uh, there
must be something

that I can do to
convince you otherwise.

- Why, good cousin,
do not tease me so.

- Well, he is a powerful
dragon and he is hurt.

He may not react
well to such a dose.

Let him heal first.

- But I have it all ready to go.

- Save it, for when
he's at full strength.

Thank you. Thank you.

- On second thought,
perhaps I should...

(Ennogard gasps)

- Well, you should go to bed.

You have a long day ahead.

- Yes, to bed. I must...

Long day.

(groans)

- Thanks, I had to get
that taste out of my mouth.

Oh, sorry about the bruises.

They're my fault, in a way.

Sleep well.

If all goes as hoped,
this unknown warrior

will soon save us both.

(Dolvarnog grunts
and growls softly)

- I think this is
the Valley of Gell.

If I'm right, then
we're not too far

from the Dolvarnog's lair.

- We should be
safe to camp here.

(wagon screeches)

- Why are we stopping?

- (sighs) We need food and rest.

- But I've, I've still
got plenty of elven bread.

Let's keep going and take
the beast in its sleep.

- Relax. We don't know the
exact location of the lair,

just the general area.

- I refuse to relax.

- This is not gonna
be an easy task.

And we need to make a plan.

- That is the plan.

Stay on the road, eat
the stinking elven bread,

and take the Dolvarnog tonight.

- Tonight we dine in Gell!

(fast rock music)

(loud crunching, slurping,
chewing and growling)

(crickets chirp)

(Bread crunches softly)

- Gluttonous cretins.

Don't care about
anything but themselves.

Can't believe it.

(soft, mysterious chanting)

(water splashes)

- No.

Can't be her.

Of course not. It's...

just a bather.

Still. Can't be too sure.

You all right?

Hello?

- Camilan? Is that you?

Silly boy. Why are you hiding?

Come join me.

- My sweet love, I, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be here.
We're not yet wed. I...

shouldn't see you this way.

- We're in love.
Isn't that enough?

- We're saving ourselves
for each other.

Aren't we?

(birds flutter)

You're kidding me.

- Time is running out.

I don't want to wait any longer.

- Oh. Oh, boy.

Oh dear.

- Bathe with me.

- Well, I guess a small
dip wouldn't hurt, right?

(laughs weakly) Be in
in a minute, my love.

Get my boot off.

(grunts)

- Horse doesn't like
the bread, either.

- Where's Cami?

(ominous music)

- Oh. Oh dear. Wow.

You make it look so easy.

So, shall we proceed
with the bath?

Larec?

Don't scare me.

You know I don't like
being frightened.

- Bathe with me.

(creature shrieks)

- Camilan, we're in love.

Is this not enough?

- What happened to her?

- It's not your girlfriend.

Look at me! That's
a water morphling.

They get inside your
head and tempt you

with your truest desire.

- No, it was Larec.
She was real.

- Whatever you thought
you saw wasn't real.

- She was singing our song.

- Yeah, that's right.

Her talon wound
magically healed itself

and she decided to celebrate

with a sexy
late-night skinny dip,

300 tripeds away from home.

That sound more real?

- How could I have
been so foolish?

- Listen. Happens
to the best of us.

These things are
masters of deception.

I knew a guy one time
that was so deceived

by one of these things
that he fell in love,

started a long-distance
relationship with one.

For months, almost two years.

It was Shokdor.
(Shokdor grunts)

Shokdor did it.

Come on. Let's
get you warmed up.

- Hey, Cam, this one
looks like your mom.

(morphling squeals)

- We may only get
one shot at this.

Gonna make it count.

We need to stay focused.

We're not hunting ogres here.

- Why are you doing this?

- Have you seen Easton Castle?

Bit of an upgrade
from my swamp cottage.

- That's the only reason?

Just to increase your wealth?

- Between me and you,

bounty hunting doesn't
pay like it used to.

I really need this one.

- So it is all about
the money, then.

- Yeah. It's what I do.

Being paid for
what you're good at

is a fairly accepted
practice around here.

- Yes, but don't you
desire something more?

- [Ramicus] Like what?
- Like love.

- Ha! No.

- How do you know if
you don't even try?

- Love is a do or do
not. There is no try.

- And what of
Ennogard's promise?

- Oh, here we go.

- If we succeed,
when we succeed,

you will have the chance at
love with an amazing woman.

- You saw her compassion,
and her beauty is unmatched,

if you're not counting
elves, of course.

- I understand that
love's important to you.

But it isn't for me.

I don't have room for it,
there's no space in my life.

- That's just it. Love
changes your life.

The moment it pricks your heart,

you'll bleed a
deeper, richer red.

- Okay. That's...

Let's not get ahead
of ourselves here.

We still have to capture
the most deadly beast

that I've ever seen.

We can get all mushy

and have a beautiful elven
love circle once we're done.

But for now, we don't
even have a plan.

- Spoken like a
true dragon warrior.

Well, then, what do you suggest?

- Our only hope
is, we ground it,

take away the sky.

- Trap it.

- We've got plenty of
netting, but the problem is,

how do you get the
drop on a giant,

airborne reptile that's
got a real beef with love?

("Blue Danube" by
Richard Strauss)

(Theme from "Titanic")

(growls)

- This isn't working.

- You're not selling it.

You gotta...

really feel it.

(yells in foreign language)

- Please, for Larec.

- This is so stupid.

(Shokdor sneezes)

- Bless you.

(Theme from "Titanic")

Oh, you're probably
allergic to this flower.

I'll get it.

Is that better?

Yeah, buddy, that's better.

(Dolvarnog roars)

(Samtor and Shokdor exclaim)

Don't...

Don't hurt me, don't hurt me.

(shouts)

- That's it, Cam.
Keep her spinning.

(howls in triumph)

- They did it.

- Die!

- (groans) Ramicus!
What are you doing?

I was about to finish the job.

- The job was to
capture it. That's it.

- That thing almost
killed Larec.

I won't let it live.

- The message was clear.

Capture the beast,

wait til sundown for
further instructions.

- Since when do you
care about instructions?

Let's kill the thing!

- We'll follow
Ennogard's request.

- Look who suddenly
cares about Ennogard.

I don't have much time left.

I need that talon. Let me...

- We have til sunrise!

We're three hours
from Belveeda's.

Ennogard will tell us what
to do when she gets here.

Until then, we wait.

- Get out of my way.

- Your impatience has caused
us a lot of trouble already.

I will not let you
screw this up, too.

- Oh, I see. The pathetic,
washed-up bounty hunter

will do anything for his prize,

even if it's at the
risk of Larec's life.

- Get to the wagon.

- Yes, you're right. Excuse me.

I forgot the age-old grand
eternal law of the universe.

Big brother Ramicus
always gets his way.

Well, not today.

(Ramicus grunts)

(Dolvarnog screams)

- No!

Shokdor, get over here!

(Ramicus and Shokdor
grunt and groan)

(Dolvarnog snarls)

(Dolvarnog screeches)

- You bastard! This
is all your fault!

- My fault?

- If you would have
let me kill the beast

when I had the chance...

- I told you to wait!

- We would've been heroes.

I would be on my way to
see Larec with the talon.

But no, you had to be in charge.

You had to be in control.

Now Larec's going to die,

because of you.

- Come on, calm down. You
don't know what you're saying.

- You calm down, you don't
know what you're saying.

Whose side are you on, anyway?

- You're still not calm.

- I should've known.

The moment you laid eyes on him,

he was your new
best little friend.

Some servant you
turned out to be.

You can have him.

I don't want him anymore.

- You don't mean that.

(speaks in foreign language)

Shut up, you stupid orc!

Nobody asked you.

And why don't you
learn to speak English

like the rest of us?

(speaks in foreign language)

- I understand you're
upset right now.

You need to be rational.

- Rational?

The only thing that I love in
this world is about to die,

and you want me to be rational.

- She's not dead yet.

You wounded it pretty badly.

We can follow the trail
of blood back to its lair

and kill the Dolvarnog
once and for all.

- It's Dolvarnoog.

You sound like an idiot
when you say it wrong.

- I'm an idiot? You show
up with a manservant,

the hairless body of a child,

and a ridiculous fake
accent, and I'm the idiot?

- It's not fake.

- You know, at some point

you're gonna have to stop
pretending to be a man,

and actually be one.

Maybe then you can
earn the love of Larec,

because right now,
you don't deserve her.

- I hate you.

- Camilan, wait.

(speaks in foreign language)

- I'm sorry. He didn't mean it.

All the same, I need
you to look after him.

I won't be gone long.

(speaks in foreign language)

It doesn't matter
whose fault it is.

All that matters is we fix it.

- When the fires died
and the smoke faded away,

the people realized
that the humble lord

was not a demon after
all, but a great hero.

And his beauty...
- [Tensley] Slower, slow.

- Was shouted from the rooftops.

And people loved him,

for he was the most
powerful sorcerer

in all the land. The end.

- Read it again,
my dear Ennogard.

- But we read it twice already.

- Again!

(Ennogard sighs)

(Dolvarnog roars)

- Back a bit soon, aren't we?

- What have you
done to yourself?

- Go to him.

- [Camilan] Ramicus,
what are you doing?

I was about to finish the job.

- [Ramicus] The job was
to capture it. That's it.

- That thing almost
killed Larec.

I won't let it live.

- The message was clear.

Capture the beast,
wait til sundown

for further instructions.

- Since when do you
care about instructions?

Let's kill the thing!

- I'm following
Ennogard's request.

- What happened?

He wasn't supposed to hurt you.

Something must have gone wrong.

My chosen warrior could
not have been so careless.

(Dolvarnog growls)

I'm sorry, but you're just
gonna have to let me help you.

The message was clear.

They were supposed
to keep you safe

until I arrived and
could warn them of...

- Me?

Why me?

It is clear from your trickery

that we should be warned of you.

To think I let you
kiss these lips

with that forked
tongue of yours.

- Please, you're hurting me.

- Not nearly as you
hurt me, dear cousin.

That pain will soon be gone.

(Ennogard groans)

You're all I have left.

It seems now,

we are more alike than ever.

- Let him be. He
doesn't deserve this.

- You betrayed him, as well.

Feigning love while
hiring some idiot savage

to bring us down.

This, this will save him
from the pain you caused.

Soon your hate of love
will make you more powerful

than any beast on earth.

You'll have the strength
to fly day and night.

Two by two, you will eliminate
this emotional scourge

from our society
once and for all.

- It'll never work.

The pain you cause will
never heal your wounds.

- Perhaps.

But it'll probably make me
feel a whole lot better.

- You don't have to do this!

- You leave me no choice.

- Even if I give myself to you?

- You lie.

- I swear.

By the love of those who
have perished for its sake.

- And what of this chosen
love warrior of yours?

- He failed me.

And in doing so, he has
forfeited his calling.

- How am I to trust you?

- I promised myself

to whoever was able
to end this tyranny.

And it seems that man is you.

- A promise is a promise.

- Even though you created all
this evil in the first place.

- We can't all have good looks.

- And even though we're cousins.

- It is very common in some cul-

- Not here!

- All the same.

It is decided. We
can wed tonight.

I'll go to prepare the altar.
(Ennogard grunts)

Til then, my sweet.

(gasps)

- Thank goodness I found you.

- Why?

Your precious new
master let you go?

- You're being ridiculous.

- Am I?
- [Samton] Yes.

In all the years
as your manservant,

when have I ever
breached your trust?

- Well, the day you
met Ramicus, I guess.

- Forget about Ramicus!

This is about you
and me, Cam and Sam.

When have I ever let you down?

Who carried you in
the pitch darkness

through the caverns of Ednar

because you sprained your ankle?

Who swam across Dead Horse Gorge

carrying your chain mail
loincloth above water

because you didn't
want it to get rusty?

Who used up every last
drop of his essence

to save you from fathering
the next goblin horde?

Who's willing to
risk everything,

going to the ends of the earth

so that you can
fulfill your dreams

and marry your true love?

- It's you.

It's you.

(sniffs) But it's
all for nothing.

I failed her, Samton.

(sniffs) Larec will
die in the morning,

and it's all my fault.

(fist thuds, Samton grunts)

- I can't take you
whining anymore.

- You hit me.
- [Samton] Yes.

And I'll hit you a
thousand times again

if you don't stop crying.

What would Larec do if she
heard you crying like this?

She'd probably kill herself.

We still have time

to go get the talon
and save her life.

So get your crap
together and let's go.

(Giant yells)

- Nonsense. You look fabulous.

(giant groans)

I'm sorry, my friend,
but it's necessary.

I can't have you running off.

(sighs) Now. Listen here, Zaous.

You must be quiet
during the ceremony.

But you mustn't fall
asleep, understood?

- I no sleep, master.

I hungry!

(sparks zap, mouse squeaks)

( chews noisily)

- The witness is placed.

Ah! the good vicar has arrived.

How lovely of you to come at
such short notice, good vicar.

- Nonsense. The
pleasure is all mine.

- The altar is
prepared, my love.

(Ennogard sighs)

- What are you writing, my dear?

- My vows. I'm preparing my own.

- Ah. Yes, good.

As have I.

Very well. Proceed.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- You think he
went off this way?

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- Okay. Yeah.

- You understood what he said?

- No, not a word.

- You look lovely.

It's a pity Uncle
Easton isn't here today.

I think he would
finally approve.

- Do not speak of my
father, I beg of you.

- Forgive me, you are right.

Tonight, we focus
on you and I only.

(Ennogard gulps)

My dear? Are you all right?

- I don't kno-, know that I am.

- Well, well. It's
your wedding night.

It's natural if
you're a bit nervous.

- (Ennogard retches and gags)

- [Ennogard] Oh!

- Isn't love wonderful?

(grunts)

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- Looks like somebody died.

- That's no funeral pyre.

The smoke's blue.

Someone's getting married.

- Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today

to consecrate the
matrimony of two lovers,

destined to be together.

Two noble families
bound together by blood

shall further be bound
as the matrimonial ties

weave this family
tapestry ever tighter.

We welcome with greatest delight

the powerful sorcerer,
the handsome and

Lord Tensley.

- Thank you, good vicar.

- And we are pleased
with the presence

of the ever lovely and
exquisitely voluptuous

Lady Ennogard.

- Vicar, please!
This is a wedding.

- Oh yes, of course. Forgive me.

Let us proceed with
the matrimonial vows.

(Ennogard sighs)

- Is it finished?

- I've done all I can.

Now we must await
the final ingredient.

- What do you see
of their return?

- No, my dear. They've
only just begun.

- How do you know?

- I can smell danger in the air.

A battle brews tonight.

- Are you sure it's
not just the potion?

- Do not repel the
remedy, my dear.

- Will they succeed?

- They must.

(grunts)

(Shokdor grunts)

- Who puts a wedding pyre
in the middle of nowhere,

on the top of a cliff?

- I'm not sure.

I fear Ennogard
has given up hope

and given in to Lord Tensley.

- I'm sure my hamstring is
going to pop off of my leg.

- Pick up the pace, Samton.

We don't have much time.

- This I solemnly swear.

As long as you stay loyally
by my side and never leave me,

and never speak ill of my
deeds and never question me,

and always stay strictly
obedient to every word I speak

as long as you shall live.

- Well spoken, Lord Tensley.

Your devotion is unparalleled.

- Thank you, Father.

- And it is now with great honor

that I pronounce you man and...

- Wait.

- What is it, my dear?

- I must read my vows, as well.

- Oh, of course.
How silly of me.

- Please, my love.

Proceed.

(sighs)

- I, Ennogard of Tensley,
having entered this world

on the 17th day
of the 10th month

of the 527th year

since the reign of King Arfax,

having stemmed from the lineage
of the Elders of the East,

born of goodly parents

and raised in the
Order of the Covenant,

which, honestly, was
not my first choice,

but my parents were
incredibly devout...

(grunts, exclaims)

- By the time I was 12,

I had already developed a
deep affinity for pygmies.

I had an obsession that
drew me into their world

and opened my mind to new
and amazing possibilities.

It was this affection that
opened my heart to love.

But, alas, I was young
and Kendric was...

small.

And as I grew taller,
my love for him shrank

until he was just
a distant memory,

forever tied to the smell
of peppertonic leaves.

But leaves turn brown and rot,

leaving way for new growth
and new experiences.

- Ennogard, please. In what
way is this part of a vow?

- I did not interrupt your vows.

I believe you should
owe me the same respect.

Thank you.

Love next crossed my
path at the age of 17,

as my love stars aligned
with Sir Farlath,

warrior, poet and
centaur prince.

Whoo!

- We'll have to climb.

- How?

I mean, if there were a
ladder, I could totally do it.

But, I mean, the
sun's almost gone,

and I can't do anything
in the darkness.

- We have to find another way.

- There is no other way,

unless you can fly.

- We have to figure it out.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- Wow. Uh, thanks.

- It's Belveeda's crystal.

- Well, it's really
cool and everything.

I just, I don't think I can
climb with only one hand.

(Shokdor grunts)

Good thinking.

Let us pray.

(Shokdor speaks in
foreign language)

- I think he wants you
to get on his back.

(Shokdor grunts)

- It's over a
hundred sectors high.

- I don't he can carry me.

- Fine. I'll go.

(Shokdor grunts and
speaks foreign language)

Well, Ramicus is your brother,
so you should ride him up.

- Do you think he
has the strength?

- If anyone does, it's Shokdor.

- Shokdor, can you climb?
(Shokdor grunts)

Let's climb.

- Good luck, brethren.

I'm gonna stick down here,

and set up a base camp of sorts.

(Shokdor grunts and groans)

(wolf howls)

- (stammers) Well
Hur-hurry if you can.

- Having experienced love
in its many splendid forms,

receiving love from
beings of every corner

of this great earth
to its vast sea,

there is one hope that remains.

As I now sacrifice myself to
the life of endless subjection,

I can accept my life-long
sentence with you,

knowing that by doing so,

I will enable others to
experience the bounteous joy

and happiness that
comes from true

and unselfish love. (sighs)

I, Ennogard of Tensley,

vow to forever accept
you as my husband,

as you vowed to forever
concede your war

against love and
all that show it.

- Finished? Great!

Moving right along.

- Ah. Marvelous.

Now. As you have both
exchanged your vows

and are ready to be
joined together as one,

if there is any in
objection to this ordinance,

let them speak now or
forever hold their peace.

- [Ramicus] I object!

(Ennogard gasps)

If no one else is going to.

- Impossible!
(sparks crackle)

I told you not to do that part!

(sparks crackle, mirror crashes)

- (groans) Is that all you got?

- No, good fool, I
have not yet begun

to show you the
extent of my talents.

- Good. Because that
last one was pretty weak.

- It is useless to waste
expert magic on an amateur.

A simpleton must be
dealt with simply.

Zaous!
(Zaous growls)

Tear his arms off.

(Zaous yells)

- Big one.

(Zaous yells)

(Zaous yells)

- What was that?

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- I was quite fond of him.

And now, young Ramicus,

you will die.

(spark crackles, rock crashes)

(spark crackles, rock crashes)

(sparks crackle and sizzle)

Nice deed, Ramicus.

But I'm afraid

Daddy's coming.

(high-pitched yell)

(both yell, sparks sizzle)

- We must hurry.

He's in trouble.

(Shokdor speaks
foreign language)

- Sorry.

Just, uh, do your best.

(sparks sizzle)

- Stop moving!

(flames roar)

(gasps)

Let's settle this
old school, shall we?

- Well, if you insist.

(neck cracks)

(knuckles crack)

I don't remember
that from school.

(Ramicus groans as fists splat)

(Ramicus vocalizes)

- Ah, come on, come on!

(groans)

(groans)

- Objection overruled.

I'm sorry about the wait.

(Ennogard gasps)

(groans)

(Ramicus groans)

(Ennogard gasps)

- Dammit!

(spear squishes, Ramicus gasps)

- Oh, my love!

- Your love is dead.

With him dies all love,
as long as I shall live.

- No! oh!

(both gasp)

(Camilan pants)

- Well done, good hero.

I'll take it from here.

(grunts)

Sorry, sorry.

(both gasp)

Ramicus, I made it.

Ramicus?

Ramicus, get up! Get up!

Come on, we need to finish this.

Get up!

No. (sniffs) He can't be gone.

Wake up. Wake up, I need you.

I can't do this alone.

Please, please. (sobs quietly)

(sniffs) You love me.

I loved you, too, brother.

I loved you so much.

I didn't ever say, (sniffs)

but I loved you.

(sniffs)

(whispers under his breath)

The ring.

Come on.

(gasps)

Hold on, brother.

You're going to be okay.

Will you be all right? Speak.

- Dear cousin,

you betrayed me
for the last time.

- Tensley, I beg you
to show me mercy.

- I'm no longer
capable of mercy.

- But we are of the same blood.

You cannot do this.

- Yeah? What about you?

You promised to marry me
while you plotted my death.

- You forced me into a
love I could not abide.

It was bound to fail.

Love between blood
is an abomination.

- It is very common
in some cultures!

- (gasps) I was merely
following my heart.

Surely you cannot
punish me for that.

- Oh, oh! Then you, too, must
forgive me for following mine.

For my heart tells me to
make everyone feel as cold,

empty and terrified as mine.

- This is not the answer.

- This is the only answer.

Whoa!

Come, my precious.

Daddy is going to make
everything all right.

- Tensley!
- [Tensley] Silence, woman!

This no longer concerns you.

(Dolvarnog snorts softly)

There's a good boy.

You have nothing to fear.

This will make us more powerful

than we can ever imagine.

- Please!

- We will be invincible.

Who needs love when
you have such a pair?

The omnipotent sorcerer
and his noble Dolvarnog.

- It's pronounced Dolvernoog.

And you sound stupid when
you say it like that.

- Ramicus!

- Impossible. I
killed you already.

- Yeah, you know, that's
the funny thing about magic.

You never know
what's gonna happen.

- No problem.

Actually, this is quite fitting.

You can join your pathetic
love as the latest victim

of the new and very much
improved love dragon.

- Yeah, we'll see
about that. (hoots)

(arrow whistles)

- How are they catching these?

- That's the funny
thing about magic.

You really don't know
what's gonna happen.

(spark zaps and sizzles)
- Brother!

(chuckles)

- Oh.

How cute.

The virgin and the warrior,

the little family reunion.

I'm afraid you're too late.

(Dolvarnog screeches)

(pants, laughs) It is beautiful.

Witness the beast in full power.

Thus begins the age of dragons,

a new breed no dragon hunter

or paladin can slay.

Now, my precious.

You shall obey my every command.

- Run away. You can
still save yourself.

- I will not leave you.

- Pitiful creatures,
taking refuge in love.

We'll see if love
can save them now.

Hear me, my beauty!

Destroy once and for all the
vile creature before you,

who has poisoned my heart
and become an enemy of love.

Obey!

(gasps)

(growls, slurps)

- Now, let's finish the job.

- No! No, stop.

Release me.

(Ennogard gasps)

- No, no, wait!

- No. No, it's okay.

He's harmless.

- He just ate his master.

- He was only obeying
Tensley's command.

- Er, maybe I heard
wrong, but I'm pretty sure

he told him to eat you.

- He was commanded to
destroy the creature

who poisoned his heart.

- The enemy of love.

(Dolvarnog growls softly)

Oh, good boy.

- But what about Larec?

He may look all nice
and cuddly right now.

But she's about to
die because of him.

- It wasn't his choice.

- What difference does it make?

Without that talon, she dies!

I'm not gonna sit
here and do nothing.

- Camilan...

- Thank you.

(gurgles softly)

- Looks like you
have your talon.

Let's get you back
to your little lady.

- We better hurry.

We only have a couple
of hours til morning.

- Relax. You'll get
there way before dawn.

Okay. He knows exactly
where to take you.

All you have to do is hold on.

- Okay. Just tell
him to take it easy.

Let's not break any records.

This is my first
time on dragon back.

- Let's just hope
it's not your last.

I'm kidding!

- Some things never change.

All right, wish me luck.

- Good luck.
- [Ramicus] Good luck.

- See you soon.
- [Ramicus] Wait.

- What now?

- I've been thinking about
that funny accent of yours.

- Ramicus, please. It just
was a stupid phase. It just...

- [Ramicus] I think
it sounds really cool.

- Are you serious?

- See what I mean?
It's so regal.

I think it's gonna catch on.

- It just feels right coming
off the tongue, you know?

Thank you, brother.

- No. Thank you.

After all, you were my gift.

Speaking of gifts,
you're gonna need this.

You're still planning
to go through

that whole marriage thing?

- I most certainly will.

- Well, all the same.

Maybe it's best you don't
invite me to the wedding.

I've been known to object.

Ha!
(Dolvernog roars)

(Camilan shouts, then laughs)

- Well, you know, I'm
glad that's over with.

- Yeah. You know, yeah.

That was pretty intense
there, for a bit.

- Yeah. I mean,
you're telling me.

(both chuckle awkwardly)

- [Ramicus] I think we should
- I was gonna ask...

- Sorry. you go.

- No. No, you go. You go.

- [Ramicus] I think we would...
- It was just that...

- Well. About the whole
rewards and everything.

I was just doing
this for my brother.

So, you know, I'll
take the castle

and the lands and everything.

But don't feel like you
have to follow through

with the whole, you know ...,

endlessly devoting
your soul to me,

and also your body, to me.

No. We could just be friends.

Maybe take it slow?

- Yeah, we could do that.

- I'm coming for you, Larec!

Go, go, go!
(yells)

(laughs and yells)

- Camilan! You've done it.

- No, my dear. Not yet.

But now.

- Oh, I've missed you so much.

- Oh, my dear Larec.

I promise you, I will
never leave your side.

Not in a million
years. I will stay...

- I know. I know.

You've done it.

You've saved my life.

- No, my dear. We
did it. And now...

to put this where
it belongs, forever.

(door squeaks,
Dolvarnog roars softly)

- It's all right. He's harmless.

Ladies, I'd like
you meet Noogie.

(chuckles)

(pants)

(triumphant music)

(crowd applauds and cheers)

- See you in a week!

(indistinct)

- Bye!
(Larec gasps)

(Camilan yells and laughs)

- Wow.

- [Camilan] I'm
married! (laughs)

- I'm really proud of you.

- Really?

- Yeah. You just
witnessed your brother

commit his entire life
and love to a woman,

and you didn't make a peep.

- [Ramicus] His funeral.
- Watch it...

or it might be yours.

(Ennogard chuckles)

- Hey guys, no fair.

Let's everybody kiss!

(laughs)

(dragonfly chitters)

- Wait!

(orc speaks in foreign language)

- [Ramicus] Not bad, brother.

I mean, for an orc.

(Shokdor grunts)

- Well, load up the dojo wagon.

(dramatic music)

- Bugger!
(clapper snaps)

- These horses have a
minds of their owns!

(laughs)

- If you're looking for some
secret, hankies would do,

secret alpha goblins.

- [VOICEOVER]
Shokdor's rather nice.

- [Shokdor] Yeah, dude.

- It's, like, "Nah, who cares?"

- Where's, where's my top hat?
(both laugh)

- You're an idiot. (laughs)

(groans)

- No, man. It's not like I
would ever be interested in her.

I mean, even if I
was a creepy old guy,

and I had a spell book

to, uh, blind me,

um, of race differences and...

cleanly features.

- [VOICEOVER] Just like father.

(laughs)

- Ha! Ha!

I hate wolves and arrows.

I can't stand the wolves.

Our asses are grasses
if we stop here.

If we stop here, the
wolves are gonna bite us.

We're stopping here? Grandma
Sison got eaten by a wolf.

- We are dining in Gell tonight!

Everybody?

- [All] Tonight!

- I said tonight, and
jinx, double jinx.

- I can't. She
looks just like mom.

(laughs) Can I call her that?

(yells)

(laughing in background)

- Who rubs baby oil
on you every morning

before he gets his own bath?

Who spots you when you're
lifting your kegs in the air

to get stronger?

Who walks behind
you in the forest,

singing your favorite tunes?

- [VOICEOVER] You.

- Who takes the blame
when you pass gas?

Who gets drunk so that you
can know what it feels like?

(snickers)

Who skinny dips with you

because you're too
afraid to go alone?

- Who draws you dirty
pictures to look at?

(snorting, laughter)

- [VOICEOVER] Okay,
I'll see you guys.

- (huffs) Oh, one second.

Okay.

(both scream) Where'd you go?

(Larec gasps)

- [VOICEOVER] Doorman.
(all laugh)

- [VOICEOVER] ♪ Yeah, yeah.

♪ Ooh.
- [VOICEOVER] ♪ Ooh.

- [VOICEOVER] ♪ Oh.
- [VOICEOVER] ♪ Oh, oh.

- [VOICEOVER] ♪ Oh, yeah.

♪ Dragon Warriors,

♪ Dragon Warriors

♪ Dragon Warriors

♪ Everywhere.

♪ Have you ever been
a dragon warrior

♪ Out on the street?
- [VOICEOVER] ♪ I have.

- [VOICEOVER] ♪ Looking
for all your dragon stuff?

♪ Looking for a girl to meet?

♪ There's a friend out there

♪ For everyone.

♪ There's someone there

♪ For you and for me.

♪ Dragons on the street,

♪ Dragons in the air

♪ Watch out or else

♪ They'll come and get you.

♪ Doesn't matter where.

♪ If you're in love,

♪ If you need a hug,

♪ Those dragons
are coming for you

♪ There's nothing you can do.

♪ Dragon Warriors.

♪ Dragon Warriors,

♪ Dragon Warriors

♪ Dragon

♪ Warriors.