All language subtitles for S1-E04.English

Morning.

Hey there, rock star. Sleep well?

Like a corpse.

I can't believe
I'm in Andy King's bed.

Me neither. Let's get
out of here before he comes back.

Er, no big deal, but I think the
condom MAYBE broke that last time.

What?!
Please tell me you're on the pill.

I'm kidding! Don't worry, I'm not
some kind of Fatal Attraction.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

You hungry?

Yeah, like the wolf.
Why don't I make us something?

Huh, you're wearing
my Alice Cooper T-shirt!

Yeah, I found it on the floor.
Hope it's OK.

Girlfriend's prerogative.
Not that I'm your girlfriend.

I mean, I am a girl,
and your friend, hopefully...

Oh, God.

Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.
ALL: Hi, Sam.

I thought I had it under control.

I felt like Grace Kelly,

but I looked more like Russell Brand
in a River Island jumper.

I've been clean now
for a little over a year.

At the moment, I'm building up
the courage to tell my son

what really...really happened.

But I'm very thankful that he has
such a loving and present father,

even if I get a bit jealous
of the time they spend together.

I try and tell myself that...

(love is not a competition.)

MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Ooh. Is that...? Yeah.

The cravings have gone,
which I never thought I'd say.

I mean, sometimes
when I speak to my ex,
I could just kill for a line!

But I know I just have
to focus on the present.

MOBILE PHONE BUZZES
It's really just about

staying in the moment,
no matter what...

Er, sorry.

I should get this.

STRUMMING ON GUITAR

What's wrong with my guitar?

I fixed it. The lower E string
was really out of tune.

It was in drop D.

I always keep my axe in drop D,
for shredding.

Oh. Sorry, I should've asked first.

I think you mean...AXED first.

It's fine, don't worry about it.

Wow, that's lovely.
Thank you very much.

Are you not eating?

No, not hungry.
But I like watching you eat.

Like putting a tiny
piece of myself inside you.

Shit! I'd better get ready.

I'm singing at a Bar Mitzvah in two
hours. Living the dream, right?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

What?
'I'm taking you out for lunch.'

I'm already eating, actually.

When's that ever stopped you?
Ben just invited me to his mother's.

He's got some big announcement,

but I'm not going
into the scorpion's nest alone.

If I can pretend I'm normal
for a couple of hours,

he might drop the custody case.
I need you there to keep me
out of trouble.

Are you forgetting
who you're even talking to?

DOORBELL RINGS

Doorbell. Got to go.

You're coming.

What's that smell?

It's like baked beans and sex.

That's my new deodorant...
Sexy Beans.

Look, I'm not free
and you can't be here right now...

Oh. Hi.

Uh, Shelly,
this is my sister, Sam.

Shelly's just here...
helping me out with that thing...

Any time. If that problem happens
again, you know who to call.

I do, thank you very much.
I have your business card.

(I'm taking your T-shirt. If you
want it back, you better call.

(PS, I love role-play.)

Nice meeting you. Nice meeting you.

I thought you HAD a girlfriend.
Roly was telling me about Gwen?

Shelly's not my girlfriend.

She just a girl who comes round
and says hello...

With her vagina. Please, I know
the walk of shame. I invented it.

One minute you're blackout drunk,
the next thing, you're waking up

next to some Brazilian banker
in his Holiday Inn executive suite.

Which, by the way,
is not as roomy as it sounds.

Now, are you coming or am I telling
Gwen about your sexcapades?

You haven't even got her number.
Oh, there we go.

Here it is. Under favourites. Bless.

Give it back. Give it back.
Sam... Give me back my phone!

Are you coming? It's ringing,
it's ringing! Hang up!

Wait.

Shit fuck dick balls crap cock arse
motherfucker bitch pussy rimjob.

Good? Yup.

Hi, munchkin!

What's he doing here?

I've come to give you the news.

You're adopted.

Phew, what a load off!

Hello, stranger! Andy.

Sorry I didn't warn you
he was coming. He just insisted.

I can go, if it's too much trouble.
No. Stay. We're all family here.

(You'd better not
fuck today up for me.)

Dad, am I adopted?

No. Where did you get that rubbish?

Fizzy drinks.
Shrinking kids' brains.

Like syphilis in a can.

Couldn't agree more. They're toxic.

Rex, hey!

Good to see you, Ands, my man.
Hey, Sammy.

Rex. Good to see you.

I thought you were
saving the world somewhere?

Rwanda, yeah. I'm on leave
from OpSmile for two weeks.

Just long enough to catch up
with the fam.

You guys get comfy.
I'll tell Mum you're here.

You'll never guess what Uncle Rex
got me from Africa.

A malaria tent? A bracelet.

Masculine(!)
It's beautiful, darling.

Last-minute gift from Duty Free?
I've been there.

Actually, a little girl made it for
me after I fixed her cleft palate.

It's so rewarding, watching them

look in the mirror for the first
time and hear them say,

"That's me.
That's what I look like now."

Yeah. Actually, that reminds me.
I got you a gift too, Errol.

There you go.

Er, thanks.

You're welcome. And remember, that's
not any old opened pack of gum.

I got that from an old homeless guy
after I bought him a beer.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Joan.

If it isn't my favourite
ex-daughter-in-law.

I'm your ONLY ex-daughter-in-law.
Awww!

Did Errol tell you, he set up
the dining table all by himself?

Made the name cards
and everything.

Mum, you're sitting next to Dad.

Oh, great.

Andy, what a lovely surprise.

Like that time you fell
face first into the wedding cake.

I can't remember anything
about that night. I was wasted.

Yes. We remember.

Speaking of,
what would everyone like to drink?

I know you love a good
glass of white, don't you, Sam?

Oh, Joan, you know I can't...

..wait to try...some of your white.
That would be lovely.

Ben, can I have a word?
It's about school fees.

Since we're pairing up, can I get
a quick band meeting, Errol?

C'mon, it's a simple question,
who do you choose?

And you're the same distance away?
Yes. The house is on fire.

We're both inside, we're both
the exact same distance from you

and you can only save one of us.

Is it me or is it Rex?

Well, Rex is a doctor,
so if I get hurt saving him...

Come on, you're not seriously going
to pick Jesus Christ, Super Surgeon?

Why? Are you jealous?
Pfft. Of that clown? Please.

Now, we're both unconscious,
so our skills don't
come into play this time.

Who do you pick? You want me
to pick a favourite? No...

I just want you to tell me

which one of your uncles
you don't want burning to death.

Hypothetically.

Do you think Mum and Dad are getting
back together? I think that's
what Dad's announcement is.

Pick an uncle and I'll tell you.

OK, I'll pick one,
but I need time to think about it.

You said you were going to tell her.
I am, I just...haven't yet.

It's been a year.
She's going to find out
I was in rehab at some point.

Where does she think
I disappeared to?

I might have told her you went to
stay with your parents in Spain

to regroup after the separation.

You have terrible honesty issues.

It's just...if Mum finds out
you did drugs then she'll find out

I did them too,
and I can't do that to her.

She doesn't even know
I smoke cigarettes.

Can't you just
play along, please, for Roly?

Fine. So, what's this big news?

I'm not telling till after lunch.

Are you dropping the custody case?
Um...no.

Are you dying?
Is it that weird lump on your ball?

What? No. What weird lump?

You're like one of those
bomb sniffing dogs.

Ehh, have you got any beer?

Cheers.

You know, you might not remember
the wedding, but I do.

And aside from the heartbreak
of watching my son make the biggest

mistake of his life, it was one of
the more enjoyable nights I've had.

Yeah, the band were good,
weren't they?

I'm not talking about the band.

Errol's a lucky boy. Two strapping
uncles looking out for him.

Keep him on his toes.
What are you two gossiping about?

Your amazing cooking.

Rex is making spring lamb au jus
with potatoes dauphinoise.

I swear, if he hadn't become
a paediatric surgeon,

he'd be a Michelin star chef by now.
It's nothing.

The secret is you've just got to
slow roast it for ages

on an achingly low temp until
the meat just melts off the bone.

You are just too perfect.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be the others.

"You're just too perfect."

Andy! Hey.

Bruce? What are you doing here?

Our kids play on the same football
team. How do you two...?

Fight club. Mate! First rule.

Watch out for this one,
she tackles like John Terry.

Let's hope she isn't racist
like John Terry.

Allegedly.
Mrs Meyer, these are for you.

Oh, they're lovely. Where did
you get them? Tesco.

Hey, Bruce. How's Claire?

Great. Busy managing the salon.
Work, work, work.

She did Tiff's nails. Show her,
Tiff.

Wow. Those are fab.
Do you like them, Errol?

Mum's nail polish gives me a rash.

Bruce, this is my brother, Rex.
He's visiting from Africa.

Oh, cool. My dad's Nigerian. Igbo.

Kedu ka imere?

- Yes.
- What did you say, Uncle Rex?

I asked how he was doing, in Igbo.

"Entres dans mon Jacuzzi."
What's that in French, Errol?

Get in my Jacuzzi? You're welcome.

Sam, would you help me
put these in water?

Come on, kids, I'll tell you about
how I helped a lioness give birth.

Spoiler alert - he's the father.

I didn't know
you were mates with Ben.

Er, we're not really. He invited
Tiff so Errol would have company.

I swear I wouldn't have come
if I knew you and Sam were here.

I mean, with the custody thing.
I hate picking sides.

Yeah, but if you had to,
you'd pick Sam, right?

She's always saying how much
she likes you. Really?

No. But she could have been.

Now, I'm cooler than Rex, aren't I?
Yeah, definitely.

If you were a boy band,
he'd be like Gary Barlow.

He gets all the respect,
but Robbie's having ALL the fun.

But people still respect
Robbie as well, right?

Yeah, sure.

Now tell me this - is it incest

if you had sex with
your ex-GILF-in-law?

What?

Never mind.

Isn't Errol doing well?

I know. Did he tell you he got an A
on his family tree project?

Brilliant.

You know, I was so worried about him
after the separation.

Especially while you were in Spain,
living it up.

Thank goodness Ben was around
to pick up the pieces.

You still haven't touched your wine.
I'm just...saving it for the meal.

Sam, are we friends?

Of course. Yes.

Oh, good.

I was afraid we had a Queen Liz
and Diana thing going on.

We know how that ended.
Right, so who's Charles?

The family is Charles.
And we all want what's best
for Charles, don't we?

I mean, just because you ran off
to Spain when Errol needed you most,

doesn't mean your heart
isn't in the right place.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Here, let's make a toast...
to Charles.

Actually, I just remembered.
I'm on antibiotics.

Shouldn't be drinking.
Just a sip won't kill you.

Come on, drink up,
or I'll feel insulted.

This is grape juice.

Like I'd give wine to an addict!
That was too easy.

How can you be trusted
with Errol's custody

when you can't even stay
on the wagon?

You knew I was in rehab?

A friend of mine spotted you
in the same clinic as her
anorexic daughter.

Don't tell Ben I know.
He likes to think he has secrets.

Just going to go
and put change in the meter.

Who do you support, Errol? He's
a Gooner, like his uncle and me.

You said you were a Spurs fan,
like your mum and me.

What? I like them both. I couldn't
possibly pick a favourite.

You can't like Tottenham AND
Arsenal! That's like rooting for the
Nazis and the French Resistance.

Arsenal have more French players,
doesn't that make Spurs the Nazis?

Spurs have a lot of Jewish fans,
though. Not many Jewish Nazis,
are there?

Since when do you care
about football, Andy?

You should support Fulham, like us.
Nobody gets hurt when you support
Fulham. They're Switzerland.

Oh, that reminds me. This is
a football field I helped build
when I was stationed in Somalia.

Nice job(!)
There's not even any grass on it.

I know, but the kids don't mind.

It used to be a mass grave.

Can you guess what it's called now?

"No grass field"?

It's called Errolfield.
Nice touch, bro.

Very cool.

Looking at that dusty field
makes me feel thirsty.

Uncle Andy, I'd really like
an apple juice.

Your legs aren't broken.

You can have my drink, Errol.
I didn't touch the sides.

Thanks, but I really just want some
apple juice. It's my...favourite.

I'll get you one, mate.

I got this one, T-Rex.

Oh, help yourself.

You certainly did at the wedding.

Um...where's Sam?

Not sure. Have you tried Spain?

ALL: Ohh!

His highness's apple juice.

Not thirsty any more.

Bruce, if you and Tiff
are interested,

Rex and I are taking Errol
camping next weekend.

I'm going to teach this little guy
all about edible plants.

Uncle Rex makes botany really fun.

Botany's my...FAVOURITE.

I ate an orchid
on a Thai beef salad once.

It was interesting.

Yeah, well, what did
I teach you last week?

How to delete my search history?

Bingo. And that is a skill for life.

Right, half-time.
Who's up for a game of three-a-side?

Um...

Dad.

Bruce.

Yes!

You should pick Andy.
I haven't played in ages.

Bit rusty. Uncle...

Rex.

Andy, I guess.

MUSIC: "Dig A Little Deeper"
by Peter Bjorn and John

# Oh-oh

# Oh-oh

# You think you've got it made

# I'm trying to have some fun

# You think you know it all

# I've only just begun

# You're sliding on the surface

# I'm reaching for the bottom

# The past is always present

# The future fades away

# And if you think
your brain is hollow

# You just have to scream

# And dig a little deeper... #
He's amazing.

Heard West Ham tried signing him,

but he just wanted to be a doctor.

Well, then...

It's time to send him
back to the hospital.

MUSIC: "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath
Go, go, go! Take him!

Oh, shit...

GLASS SMASHES

I'm really, really sorry.

It's fine.

I'm sure you can find
a way of making it up to me.

What were you doing kicking
the ball like that, anyway?

It was a mis-kick.

Bruce, did that look like
a mis-kick to you?

I didn't see. My contact fell out.

But you're wearing your glasses.

Where's Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Maybe she ran away.

Why would you say that?

That's what my dad did -
my real dad.

He was a worthless fart-hole.

That's what my mum says.

Do you think you'll ever
get married?

Oh, yeah, definitely! Yeah.

I want loads of kids.

If I have a girl,
I'm going to call her Scout,

like in To Kill A Mockingbird.

If I have a boy, I'm going to
call him Spock.

I don't want a husband, though.
I'm going to get a sperm donor.

What's that? I'm not really sure.
I heard about it on Jeremy Kyle.

Have you ever kissed
a girl on the mouth?

The human mouth has over 1,000
different types of bacteria.

So, is that a "no"?

Er...

Oh, just close your eyes.

What are you two
doing in my bedroom?

We're not kissing on the mouth.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first!

HANGS UP
Look, about your mum's face.

Um... It was an accident.

Not her face -
she's got a beautiful face.

Not in a sexy way.

For her age... Did you find Sam?

Not yet. This is typical.

When we were married, she'd always
disappear like this

after a big fight. She was always
paranoid I was cheating on her.

Were you cheating on her?
Not always.

Look, about that call...
You don't need to explain.

No, I want to.

See...I've been seeing someone else.

That's why I invited everyone here.

Everyone else, not you.

I wanted Errol to have as many
people around him as possible

for support, when I break the news.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Yeah, sure. He's a tough kid.

As long as he's got his inhaler.

Y'ello!

Er... Are you all right?

Yeah! Yeah, I'm great.
Just got some dust in my eyes.

I should probably tell the others
I found you... No, just...wait.

Just give me a minute.

Ben and I used to come up here
and smoke a joint

while Joan was changing
Errol's nappies.

You must think I'm really stupid

hiding in an attic like...
Anne Frank or something.

Sometimes I tell Claire
I'm going out to buy milk

but I'm really going to Starbucks
to work on my comics.

You draw comics? Well, webcomics.

And I can't actually draw, it's more
stick figures with witty writing.

ATTEMPTED witty writing.

Yeah, I know, "Grow up, Bruce."

Claire thinks it's stupid too.
It's not stupid. It's sweet.

I just didn't know you were so...
nerdy. Really?!

I mean, come on, look at me.

I guess you're right! Thanks(!)

I am a terrible mother, aren't I?

What? No. You're a great mum.

I see the way Roly looks at you.

That's just his lazy eye.

But you look like
you know what you're doing.

What's your secret?

Honestly? When things get too
much...

I have a special pillow
I scream into.

How often do you need the pillow?
Not often.

About ten times a day.

And if you don't have
a pillow to hand,

you can use your arm.

Like so...

Nngh!

Nnnnghh!

Ooh...! Wow! Better?

I feel a little bit light-headed.
Yeah, I know, right?

Oh...this is it.

I'm going to be a single mum
for the rest of my life.

I'm going to end up like Joan.
Some nasty, mean, bitchy cow

who hasn't had a willy up her
in about a century

Don't worry,
you'll get a willy up you.

But seriously, I...
I think you'll find someone.

You know, you're smart,
funny, attractive...

You're great at hide and seek.
You found me.

Well, I'm an excellent seeker.

Found her!

What on earth are you doing up here?

What happened to your face?

What's that smell?

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Shit!

It's ruined.

Who's up for curry, then?

I don't mind it a little well-done.

Uncle Rex, why did you set it
so high? I...didn't.

Duhn-duhn-duhnnn.

We'd better call Scotland Yard,
then. You did this!

Whoa, Rex, slow down. Andy's never
touched an oven in his life.

He can barely cook a Pot Noodle.
Yeah.

Why would I want to ruin
my own lunch?

I don't know. You tell me.
You've been jabbing at me all day.

What, did I piss you off
in a past life or something?

"Oh, the golden boy never does
anything wrong.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm the world's best surgeon.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm the world's best chef.

"Oh, look at me,
I'm the world's best uncle!"

Well, at least
I've put my time in with Roly.

Where've you been this last decade?!
Please stop fighting over me.

BOTH: Stay out of this, Errol!

You are like a one-man typhoon.
Is there anything you can't ruin?

Oh, get over it, love.

I'm sorry I shagged you
and then never called.

Have you lost your mind?!

We never shagged.

Er, hello? The wedding.

We shared a joint at the wedding,
you idiot.

What's a joint?

It's a marijuana cigarette.
Where did you learn that?

Jeremy Kyle. So, wait, you're
judging me for going to rehab,

while you're the pothead?
I tried it once, 12 years ago.

That hardly makes me Keith Richards.

I tried peyote once in Guadalajara.

Big deal,
I did meth twice in Hackney.

Well, two and a half times.
It's complicated.

Mum, wait,
you knew Sam went to rehab?

Of course I did, darling,
I'm your mother.

Anyway, everyone's in rehab,
it's the new black. What's rehab?

Hotel for druggies.
But, Mum, I thought you were sick.

I was, munchkin.
I'll explain everything later.

Why didn't you say you knew?
I could have used your support.

Because she loves keeping secrets.

I'm sure she knows you did
all the coke in Colombia too.

That isn't true, is it?

Ben? What's wrong with Coca-cola?

They're talking about cocaine.

Jesus, Tiff! Jeremy Kyle?

Top Gear.

This is your fault! I knew you'd
find a way of screwing this day up!

My fault? I'm not the one that
invited everyone here

to make a big announcement.

Trust me, mate, no-one cares
that you're getting laid.

What's he talking about?

Well, I didn't want everyone
to find out like this, but, um...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
..I've been seeing someone.

Her name's Veronica.

Is she joining us? Not today,

but I wanted to prepare
everyone for the idea.

To avoid any dramas.

So you're emotionally fluffing us?
That is so typical of you.

Your ego is so inflated

you have to make a major event
out of everything!

Well, excuse me
if I thought this was important.

You're the one who left me,
remember?

I wanted to work things out.
You were driving me crazy!

My wife's cheating on me!

Errol? Errol, are you all right?
Oh, my God!

It's his asthma. It's the smoke.

I'll get his inhaler,
it's in my purse.

OK, Errol, I need you to try
and take slow, deep breaths for me.

OK, mate? Breathe...

It's not working!

I don't think it's his asthma.
I think it's a panic attack.

Errol, I need you to try
and think of something relaxing.

# When you're going to the loo

# And your pants are full of poo

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When you're climbing up a ladder

# And you're feeling
something splatter

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When your stomach starts to hurt

# And you need to squirt some dirt

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When you're sitting on a mountain

# And your bum
becomes a fountain...

ALL: # Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When you're driving in your car

# And your house is just too far

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea. #

Joan, I know you think I'm a mess,

and I have my moments,
but I am a good mum.

I know.

And I'm sorry for earlier.

I can get a bit "Mommy Dearest"
when I'm let out of my cage.

Ben and I should have been straight
with you from the start.

We all really need to communicate
better. For Roly's sake.

Because I would like to be friends,
Joan.

We don't have to be friends,
darling.

We're family!

More grape juice?

Look, um, I'm sorry
I ruined your roast.

It's just with
all your cool stories and...

The way Roly looks up to me?

No, actually,
just your cool stories.

You know I sometimes get
jealous of you, right? Really, why?

You make him laugh and you've got
that whole music connection...

I've got no musical talent
whatsoever.

Yeah, you're right.

I suppose I am
an unbelievably cool uncle.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean,
sometimes being handsome

and super intelligent
isn't everything.

How did it go?

He's going to need time to process.

He's asked to see his uncles.

Did you know I've got a tattoo?

I'd show it you, but it's in a...

hard to reach place.

Can you guess what it says?
"Boobs", with nipples inside the Os?

I wish. No, it says, "Will you
go out with me, Dolores?"

She was a girl at uni.

I thought she'd be won over
by my, um...

dedication.

What did she say?

Well, she laughed in my face.

After I pulled my trousers back up.

Point is,
that thing is going nowhere.

Just like us.

And, sure, your dad might be
seeing a new bird,

but he's still your dad,
and your mum's still your mum,

and they both love you.

For some weird reason.

What your Uncle Andy's
trying to say is,

if you ever need anyone to talk to,
you know who to call.

BOTH: Me.

Did you make sure the needle
was sterilised?

Because you know you can catch
hepatitis from a tattoo.

Yeah, don't worry about that.
I had it bleached, burnt and boiled.

Thanks, guys.

Nice job, man.

Yeah.

I'm definitely his favourite.

Mm...

Mm...

Gingin? Yes, darling?

Earlier you said Mum and Dad's
wedding was 12 years ago,

but I'm 12 and a half.

How does that work?

Ooh, poppadoms!

# Who am I

# Without you? #