All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S09E03.WEB.H264-13-NHI

Thank you, thank you.

Hello and welcome to what is,
tonight, a Top Gear special.

It's special because
it is just one big film.

Yep. And to make it,
we had to go on holiday.

Well, you say
it was a holiday,

but actually it was
a fly-drive holiday,

so it wasn't
a holiday at all.

Because of course
you get to the car hire desk,

and there is the gaudiness man
with the spiky hair.

And he types
"War and Peace"

into his computer
for 16 hours.

And then he doesn't know
where England is.

And he steals
your driving license.

And that he directs you
to a car park
where your car isn't.

So we were gonna
try and see if we could
make it any better.

Rather than suffer
the misery of hiring a car,

maybe it made
more sense to buy one.

We were each given
a budget of $1,000.

Yeah, now here is
the really clever bit.

At the end of our holiday,
which is essentially

a road trip
across four states,

we would see if,

instead of simply having to
hand our hired car back,

we could sell our cars and
get most of the $1,000 back.

CLARKSON: It was brilliant.

Now, in the holiday
we had stones
thrown at us by rednecks.

We crashed into a river
full of alligators.

We, what else happened?

Oh, we had to eat a squirrel.

Uh, anyway,
the big challenge was,

could we buy a car
for less than it costs
to rent one for a fortnight?

Let's find out.

MAN ON RADIO: Miami,
partly sunny, 34 degrees.

CLARKSON: Yes, Miami,
home to all the most
successful drug dealers,

this year's Mr Big Mac,

and Silicon Valley,

all very glamorous.
But our journey began here,

in the city's used car lots.

This is where we had a morning
to find a set of wheels
for less than $1,000.

I think I quite like to take
this one for a test drive.

What's under
the bonnet of that?

-It's a V6.
-V6?

-Yes.
-Got anything with a V8?

CLARKSON:
I wanted a muscle car.

So I went straight
to a dealership
that sells Corvettes.

Have you got the keys?
Thank you.

-Oh!

-400.
-400 horse power
for a 5.7 litre V8?

-Ah!

Okay, how much is it?

$64,815.

So, 64...

815.

-Thousand dollars?
-Yeah.

What if I gave you
$1,000 for it?

-1,000?
-Mmm.

Richard, it seems,
was being similarly ambitious.

HAMMOND: How much is this?

$89,900.

I need something a bit,
a bit less than that.

-A little bit less than that?
-Less than that.

HAMMOND: So
how much for a Cougar?

-Cougars are anywhere
from 35 to 200,000.
-Yeah.

Depending upon
the condition and so on.

I need something
that's a bit less than that.

-Bit less than that?
-How much for a Challenger?

-Challenger start at
20,000, 19,900.
-Less than that.

-Less than that?
-Less than that.

CLARKSON: See this here, look.

He's turning right
on a red light.

That is America's
only contribution
to Western civilisation.

MAY: I was the only one
using even a modicum
of common sense.

Would you take
$1,000 for this?

Okay, uh, that's gonna be
a little bit difficult.

CLARKSON: Soon, I took
a leaf out of James's book.

Lowered my sights
and quickly found

a tidy Camaro
at a place called "Adolf's"

$2,900 this.

It's a big ask
to get him down to 1000.

I might offer him a burger.

-Very popular with
murderers, these cars.
-Yeah.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
I found something
we don't have in Britain.

A dealership specialising
in ex-government cars.

This would have been
the police car.

You can tell it by the colour,
a hole for the aerial.

And it says
"police interceptor" on it.

Now this one was probably,
I don't know, maybe a spy?

'Cause there is no
badging on that.

That could have been a...
man in black and
that was a VAT man.

Basically,
the important thing is,

they've all been
properly maintained

and I'm told
they're dirt cheap.

And indeed they were.

But even these were
beyond my budget.

I don't have anything
right now for $1,000.

HAMMOND: Even sensible James
was struggling.

I want a real
Kojak, smoking.

-Ah, a real cool car, huh?
-Yeah.

How about a '99 Honda Civic?

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
back at Adolf's,

negotiations on the Camaro
had broken down.

Uh, well,
it's not going well, mate.

MAY: I thought that
we'd get here and we'd find

all sort of fantastic old
American 80s cars for $300.

I know, I did, I did.

I thought we would just
be tripping over Oldsmobiles,
Cutlasses and Firebirds.

Yeah.

So it's 'cause we are
buying in that 90's period

when they were
just making rubbish.

-And I'm looking at
a Buick LeSabre.
-MAY: God, don't!

It was rubbish
when it was new.

It was built by idiots.
And it's rubbish now.

I've got... You know
we've got one hour left.

have we?

And I've reached
the bottom end of this town.

Yeah, I wouldn't have
the Chinese food round here.
Let's put it that way.

CLARKSON: The fact was though,
if we were gonna
find cars for $1,000,

we'd have to go
to an even lower
bottom end of the town.

-How much murdering
happens here?
-A lot.

If you go one mile away here,
you go to any street.

-I'll be murdered?
-You'll get killed.

Yeah. Everybody here,
they have guns.

Including me, wanna see it?

-He is not joking!
-It's real, here.

25.

Now you see.
I wasn't ready for that.

Welcome to United State.

This is his other gun.

That's not a shotgun, Robert.
That's a rifle.

Right, it's a rifle.
The shotgun is somewhere else.

I don't know
where is that one.

And you need this
if you're gonna be
a car salesman?

A guy right here, if you go
two blocks down here.

He got shot five times.

-Why? By someone buying a car?
-But he killed the guy.

-He killed...
-He killed the guy, finally.

So why have you got
telescopic sights on it?

Because if they go far away,
you just shoot them.

You saw that movie
with John Wayne?

A guy running all the way
like 500 feet

and
you shoot him right there.

CLARKSON: Hammond!

Yes, Jeremy.
How you doing?

Just been told
by my new best friend,

Robert, the Persian.

If you go beyond 79 street,

you will definitely
be murdered, shot.

Good-bye.

Hammond is wearing
cowboy boots.

They're gonna shoot him,
aren't they?

Is it south or north
of 79 street, I can't go?

HAMMOND: I decided
the best plan was to stay
on 79th Street itself.

And came across
what must be the most
optimistic dealer in town.

Ah, well, needs must.

CLARKSON: The lesson
we've learned already was that

it was easier
to rent a car
than buy one.

But, we weren't giving up.

Believe me, I'm desperate now.
I'm desperate for wheels.

Distressed look on the roof,
gunshot holes.

So car's got a history.

It's messed... Oh, no.

It's got tree
growing out of it.

There's been an accident
over there,

but the car's still running.
And I was just wondering

if I could make her
an offer for it.

We've been ambitious here
I think.

This $1,000 is a low
amount of money.

CLARKSON: I therefore
decided to go beyond
the lower back end of town.

You guys got any ideas
where I can find a car
for a $1,000?

$1,000?

You've got some great teeth.

-Have you seen these teeth?

-You want it today?
-It's gotta be today.

Okay. All right,
let me get back to you.

-Go right here
to the stop front.
-Yeah.

Go to right,
go over exactly two blocks...

-Over this way?
-Yeah.

CLARKSON: Amazingly,
the tip paid off.

And I was the first
to arrive at our
pre-arranged meeting point.

The Miami Jai-Alai Stadium.

This is a Chevrolet Camaro,
the RS model.

5 litre V8 engine,
5 speed gear box,
rear wheel drive.

A full-on American muscle car.

Only three previous murderers

and I only paid $800 for it.

I am... It's a brilliant,
brilliant, brilliant find.

CLARKSON: Then,
Hammond turned up.

Oh, dear.

He's never been
to America before

and now he's bought himself

what he thinks
all Americans have.

That is bluff!

-What do you think?
-I'm...well.

-It's a Dodge Ram!
-It's terrible.

A dent?

I know, there are a few dents
and a bit's missing.

But it's basic.

It's basic motoring
in its very best.

CLARKSON: You know
how Mercedes goes?

-Yeah.

-It's not a Mercedes!
It's not a Mercedes!

-How much?
-$1,000.

-That shuts. A thousand?
-Yes.

-800. I'm already
$200 ahead of you.
-$800?

CLARKSON: The RS model!

Was that the basic one?

Of course
it wasn't the basic one.
RS is rally sport.

I'd ask James on that one
when he arrives.

But I'm not
entirely sure it was.

It was the RS, the IROC-Z.

-The RS was the...yes.

I'll keep quiet about that.

But no.
Every single thing
on it works, nearly.

-Oh, it's a manual.
-Yeah.

Five on the floor,
rear wheel drive.

I've got a muscle car.
How many horsepower?

-Two hundred and...
-Oh, rubbish!

-170.
-190.

How do they get
such a small amount of
horse power from a car?

CLARKSON: The more
pressing question though was
where was James?

He would've walked
into a dealership.

Hello!
And they'd have shot him.

How can he take so long?

Because that's what he does.

-I mean, he'll be lost...

HAMMOND: Good grief!

It's a train!

CLARKSON: That's Titanic.

No, wait,
I changed my mind.
It's an aircraft carrier.

HAMMOND: That's really big!

That, gentlemen,
is how you do it.

That's a 1989 Cadillac
Brougham Sedan.

-What do you think?
-CLARKSON: Well,
it's terrible!

It's like
a long walk round it.
It's a really long walk.

I like that though.

It doesn't just move
up and down, look.

-It goes from side to side!

Have you seen
the roads around here?

That is a perfect car
for the environment.

$900.

HAMMOND: And you can see why.

Oh, look, well,
you don't do that, mate.

CLARKSON: It's got
newspaper in it!

HAMMOND: You can date it.
Find out when it was repaired.

It was a Wednesday.

HAMMOND: What size engine
has this thing got?
MAY: 5 litre V8.

It's not fast,
but it is fabulous!

You don't say it's not fast.
Is it not, mate?

I took one look and thought,
oh, it's like a Lotus Exige.

HAMMOND: James then
turned on our cars.

MAY: The wheels are odd.

No, I've got an alloy.
That's my alloy.

Check out my alloy.

-This has just been
made out of bits.
-It hasn't!

Have you? Ah...

It smells of bodies.

-Ooh, it does
smell a bit ripe!
-Hold on. This...

No, that's the clothes of the
last person they killed.

Oh, geez.

Oh, my!

Oh, God, no!

That's the last person
the driver killed!

Don't look.

The poor man was
trying to get out.

CLARKSON: James and I
have bought cars.
HAMMOND: Yes.

You've bought a pick-up truck.

Now the reason yours is
in better condition is because
it's just a pick-up truck.

It's lovely,
I'm delighted with it.

I quite like
the pick-up truck.

CLARKSON: Oh,
compared to the Camaro?

-It's the land
of the pick-up truck.

What, you don't
like the Camaro?

I don't. I'm sorry I don't.

Well, I do.
I mean, one of those
in good nick. Yes.

Yours is a dog.

CLARKSON: It isn't!
MAY: It is... Jeremy!

CLARKSON: But every one of us
has got something better

than you get from
a rental desk in an airport.

BOTH: Oh, yeah.

CLARKSON: To find out
how good our cars were,

we were told
to head to a race track.

90 miles north of Miami.

There we'll be given
a series of challenges.

I'm in a murderer's muscle car
heading through Miami.

Yes.

HAMMOND: This is brilliant!

I love pick-up trucks!

It's a Cadillac!

I'm absolutely staggered!

I've even got
a functioning radio.

Although there is only
one station it'll pick up,
which is gospel. Ready?

MAN ON RADIO: ...the people
of the Holy Spirit,

-Jesus Christ is my Lord!
-Yes!

Yes, I agree with you.

MAN ON RADIO:
Temperatures are a big deal.

We're well into the 90s,
even 100s.

CLARKSON: The mono
radio station, however,
was the tip of an iceberg.

If I'm honest,
there are one or two issues
with my Camaro.

Uh, the rev counter,
for example, broken.

Then there's an alarming
knocking noise
from the front suspension

when you go over a bump,
or when you're on full lock.

The others, too,
were finding problems.

Now we're alone you and I,

I've got to admit to
one or two very small faults
with my Cadillac.

First is that squeak,
which is a loose belt
or a bearing or something.

The other, it is fantastically
slow this thing.

I'm doing 55 and
I'm putting my foot down.

And I'm really struggling
to get it up to 60.

If I'm honest,

it does pull a little bit
to the right.

And if I brake,
it pulls to the left
really badly.

I'm right behind
Richard Hammond's Dodge Ram,

and I've just noticed
for the first time that
the body doesn't line up...

-Hang on.

...with the wheels
quite right.

But the worst problem
by a mile
is the air-conditioning,

which, as you can
probably see from the
state of my shirt, is broken

92% humidity and no air-con!

The only consolation
I have is that
Hammond's air conditioning

doesn't work either.

HAMMOND: Apart from the
air-conditioning not working,

it's pretty much perfect!

For the first time,
I've got a radio on
one of these trips!

CLARKSON : But enough
of the car's little foibles.

It was time to settle down
and enjoy our journey
across the Sunshine State.

God, Florida's awful!

Nasty insects,
old people, fat people,

a lot of people
who all offer you cheese.

"You want cheese with that?
You want cheese with that?"

And they'll shoot you.

While Hammond roasted,
James remained smug and cool.

It's getting a bit
of parky actually.

I think I'll just turn the
temperature up very slightly.

CLARKSON: Look,
I'm Burt Reynolds,

I'm the Bandit.

Eventually,
we turned off the highway.

And arrived at the race track.

The Moroso Motorsports Park
is unusual in America.

Because it has
left-handed turns,

and some which go
right as well.

Perhaps, that's why
it was deserted,

too complicated
for the colonials.

Or maybe everyone
had been murdered.

Whatever. It was time
for our first challenge.

It says here that
each of our cars must complete
one lap of the track.

The target is 1:10:00.

You get points for
every second under that time

and you lose points
for every second over it.

Yeah, but the thing is
none of us has ever
seen that track.

Yes, that's gonna be tricky.

-We're not driving.
-Well, who is?

Some say that
he's a CIA experiment
that went wrong,

and that he only eats cheese.

All we know is,
he's not the Stig.

But he is The Stig's
American cousin!

Ooh!

HAMMOND: Big Stig!

CLARKSON: First,
he squeezed himself
into my Camaro.

One, two, three, go!

I was expecting

-It's 0-60 in 7.9 seconds.
-Yeah, once!

-It can do 110 and
he's doing that now!
-HAMMOND: And no more.

CLARKSON: It's limited.
It's electronically limited.

No. It's just naturally
limited to 110
'cause it's rubbish.

Lean that weight
in there, Big Stig.

There he goes.
01:09:00 seconds
on our Top Stopwatch.

-Is that good?
-We don't know, do we?

CLARKSON: What we did know
was that the Pimpmobile
was next.

-I'm gonna need a calendar
for this. Not a stopwatch.
-Yeah.

-You got a diary?
-I might...

I'm gonna hold this stone and
as it's eroded by the wind.

That'll give us an idea
of how long he has been.

Air-con, max.

Oh, cock.

It's broken, isn't it, mate?

It's run out of electricity.

CLARKSON:
To raise the Titanic,

we borrowed a battery booster.

Is that for
starting your watch
while it stopped?

-Oh, it's begun!

One, two, three, go!

-It's moved off.

It's still moving off!

24 days.

I'm getting older.

MAY: It looks fabulous!
Come on, admit it.

CLARKSON: Well, we've got
plenty of time to admire it.

CLARKSON: The Cadillac
certainly seemed to suit

Big Stig's relaxed
driving style.

-On the grass!

But would the match
made in heaven be able to
beat the Camaro's 1:09:00?

-Yay!
-Go on?

01:14:00.

CLARKSON: So now it's all down
to Hammond's hillbilly-mobile.

-Three, two, one, go!
-Let her rip! Yeah!

Oh, nice.

-Is that a manual?
-Sounds very... Yeah!

Stick shift,
four on the floor
with overdrive.

CLARKSON: Actually, it all
looked pretty promising.

This beats mine,
I'm gonna have to kill you.

And I am in a Camaro,
so don't think
that won't happen.

Oh, it's a proud
and noble thing!

CLARKSON: You've seen
Brokeback Mountain,

and thought,
"I want a piece of that life."

Not that piece,
I'll have the pick-up truck.

CLARKSON: Although
the truck had started well,

in the last few tight corners,
it was rubbish.

Have you seen
how my alloy
glints in the sun?

-What were you, 1:14:00?
-Yep.

-No, it can't!
-12, 13, 1:14!

-No!
-Yes!

-How could that happen?
-01:16:09.

I think that's more
to do with the Stig
being too big to get...

He didn't make the turn!

HAMMOND:
Fat Stig's work was done.

And so it was time
for the next challenge.

You must each accelerate
your car to 50 miles an hour.

When you reach
50 miles an hour,

you must brake
as hard as you can.

So this is a test
of acceleration
and braking all together?

Yes, you must brake
before the end of the track.

At the end of the track,
there is a river...

That's no big deal.

...full of alligators.

And that wasn't a misprint.

I should explain.
That is the track.

So if you look
out there, okay?
There it is.

Okay? And here,
this is alligator infested.

There's another one.

CLARKSON: We drew hotdogs
and mine was the shortest.

I hope he doesn't
die at the end.

It's saltwater crocodiles
you need to worry about.

I think.

Oh, no, I hope
he doesn't go in the river.
That'd be awful.

-Here we go!

The hell with the clutch!

Spirited start.

Come on, 30!
I don't want to be
eaten by an alligator!

35!

40!

45!

It's 50!

HAMMOND:
That's doubly disappointing.

-Number one, he's not dead.
-Yep.

And number two, the fastest
accelerating car here

only just stopped
before the grass.

HAMMOND: Surely though,
the Huggy Bear-mobile
would struggle

to do 0 to 50 to 0
in the distance.

Whoa-hoo!

-That is movement.
-Come on, car!

Come on, come on, come on!
I'm nearly there!

-Brake!

Strewth, that had me worried!

I should imagine
he's clenched in there!

Eight tons of Caddy!

HAMMOND: I was really nervous.

I'd just seen Big Stig
try to stop my truck
and fail completely.

We're away. That's 20.

Here he comes
to a certain death!

40.

45. It takes ages.

-Oh, my God!
-MAY: Oh, God!

Oh!

MAY: That is quite funny.

Hammond?

-Are you alive?
-Alligators, mate!

Yeah.

Can I suggest,
we may have made them angry.

-I've just driven
into their living room!

Such an insufferable oaf.

Oh, there is my pick-up, look!

MAY: The cars had survived
their ordeal by track, just.

But the next morning,
the real test began.

A sweltering
800-mile road trip
to New Orleans.

Things started badly.

-Has it got petrol in it?
-Yeah, look, it's full.

Well, yeah,
but has it got petrol in it?

It could be broken.

When did you last put
petrol in it?

Um...

Miami.

Now you come to mention it.

You stupid man!

It's a five litre V8!
See you then.

Ahem. The car is fine.
What's happened is...

Mine's run out of
electricity again.

You're joking.

Can I borrow your van
and your jump leads?

See how prepared we are
on this show!

You had the, uh,
leads in your car.

No, no, you had the leads.

I'm not a stupid man.

I've got a door panel,
some bolts, and that's it.

CLARKSON: What's the matter?

-He's lost the jump leads.
-He's lost the jump leads.

-He's lost the jump leads.
-He's has lost...

This isn't going well, is it?

If you're thinking
of coming to America,
this is what it's like.

You got your Comfort Inn,
you got your Best Western,

you got your Red Lobster
where you eat.

Everybody's very fat,
everybody's very stupid
and everybody's very rude.

It's not the
holiday programme.
It's the truth.

CLARKSON: Eventually,
the leads were found

and Hammond positioned
himself for the jump start.

-No, it's not funny!

CLARKSON: We're off!

I'm sweating already.

MAY: Yes, I'm not going be to
for much longer.

It's not a sunny day,
it's just a humid day
this day.

Do you know what this is?

Tropical?

No, that's the approach
of a cold front.

-That's tall cumulonimbus
with a high...

It's bigger than you expect.
You don't feel like...

I'd love to know
what Hammond thinks
he looks like.

Chewing gum, his aviators,
his cowboy hat,
his pick-up truck.

MAY: To help relive
the tedium of the journey,

the production office had
provided us with CB Radios

and for those, we needed
appropriate call signs.

Brokeback, Brokeback,
this is Murderer.

This is Brokeback
to Murderer and the Captain.

I wonder why these CB Radios
never caught on.

Breaker, breaker, one nine
contact eye ball ten ten

till we do it again.
Captain Slow.

He's there! He's there
and I can't understand him!

HAMMOND: This was hopeless.
So we changed channels.

Hello, I'm on 22.
Are you there?

MAN: Yo, big boy!

HAMMOND: And finally
made contact with a native.

That's him in that truck!

CLARKSON: He's asking...

He's asking
another lorry driver

where he might find
a lady friend
for the afternoon.

All they've got to talk
about on that CB is
the weather, and prostitutes.

Yeah, it raining,
I'm going north,
and I'm looking for a whore!

CLARKSON: As we
headed north-west,

the heat and humidity
became unbearable.

You're sitting there
in the winter,

you can't imagine
what it's like to be

in an un-air-conditioned car
in Florida now.

It's so hot!

MAN ON RADIO: Danger
persists in the hot West.

Even though, almost a quarter
of the fire is contained,

much of it is still
burning out of control.

CLARKSON: Only
the insufferable May
wasn't suffering.

MAY: Hey, chaps,
it's May here.

Just to let you know that
my air-conditioning
is working very nicely.

It's 65 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yes, all right!

CLARKSON: But then,
the smile was wiped
from his face, again.

HAMMOND:
Any charge left in it?

-I've brought you
some presents.
-...coming in to it.

-I've got you a steak
and cheese biscuit.
-What?

And I've bought you a fan!

-Really?
That's fantastic, mate!
-Yeah. We've got fans.

-How do you feel now?
-Yeah, air-con, there it is!

-See what I've got?
-Ham and cheese.

Dundee Ham and Cheese,
I'll read you the ingredients.

Blah, blah, blah!

And, imitation
American cheese.

MAY: So, it's the only thing
that hasn't actually
got any cheese on it?

Yes!

CLARKSON: After our
imitation American lunch,

it was my turn to help
the stricken Cadillac.

-Oh, yes!

Oh, I'm back in the sweat box.

MAN ON RADIO: Intensive
heat warnings continuing.

Now, what that is doing
is just turbo-charging
warm air into my face.

That's got...

Nice one!

Jeremy, this is Brokeback.

Did you cut the wire?

CLARKSON: The miles passed

with the Cadillac
endlessly breaking down.

-MAY: No!

-Have you got the leads?
-No, you've got the leads!

CLARKSON: Still, thanks to the
automated windscreen washers
at Florida service stations...

Oh, no!

CLARKSON: Hammond and I
could at least enjoy
some refreshing showers,

while he got it going again.

Oh!

The Cadillac, however, was
not the only trouble maker.

After just 200 miles,
my Camaro was hardly
tiptop either.

Right, sit-rep on the Camaro,

some of the headlights
are working,

the dashboard's come off,

all the dials are broken,

one radio speaker
remains, however,
and it's good!

Eventually, our Top Gear
fly-drive holiday convoy
reached the 300-mile mark.

And as a reward,
the production office
gave each of us $100

to buy an accessory
that might in some way
make our journey less arduous.

Hoping and praying that
James had bought a new battery
for his stupid Cadillac,

we all met up
to show off our new toys.

-A trailer?
-No, a Freedom Grill 500.

-A grilling system?
-It's a grilling system.

What is it?

-I have been...
-No!

No way!

HAMMOND: Look at that!

Drop tail gate,
cooking platform,
what do you think?

Gordon Ramsay
hasn't got anything
like that in his kitchen.

Have you got anything
that good, James?

-No.
-Right.

-I got a clothes rack.
-What?

Look at my perfectly pressed
linen jacket.

-He has a linen jacket
on a clothes hanger.
-Don't wobble it.

Okay, you step into your car.
And here if you look,

is a shower.

-HAMMOND: In your car?
-Yup.

MAY: Where will you
get the water from, then?

It comes from the cool box
in the back, this tube.

Then you just plug this
into the cigarette lighter,
hit that button,

refreshing shower.

I bet you're jealous.

CLARKSON : Sadly, though,
our dreams of luxury living

were shattered
when we received
the next challenge.

Tonight, you will be camping.

-What?
-I know.

And you are only
allowed to eat

what you find dead
at the side of the road.

What? You mean road kill?

Yeah, you're only allowed...
It's on the...yeah.

It says animals that we find
by the side of the road, dead.

Yeah, that's our supper.

HAMMOND: Hey,
just think about it.

You can prepare the food,
like for cooking wash it.
I can then cook it.

-James can dress for dinner.

Okay, sit-rep.

The power steering pump
really is on its last legs,

I've got a terrible
wheel wobble.

Uh...but I'm cool
for the first time
since I set off.

I am cool now!

CLARKSON: To increase
our chances of
finding some road-kill,

we swap the inter-state
for smaller roads.

And very quickly,
we got lucky.

On the right, what's that?

Do you know what?
I don't fancy it.

CLARKSON: No matter though,
because further down the road

I came across
a fresh and tasty possum.

But then...

James, don't run
over it, you...

You blithering idiot,
you just ran over it.

That's not edible now, is it?

For flattening our supper,
James was punished.

Eventually,
we did find fresh meat.

But it was a bit too fresh.

HAMMOND: I thought you were
gonna run it over!

No, even I wouldn't do that.

-What do you...

Don't do that, tortoise!

How can you have...
There is no wild tortoises.

HAMMOND: Well,
they're gonna be somewhere.

He's escaped from some
eight-year-old girl and...

How does a tortoise escape?

Come back! Come back!

HAMMOND: Finally though,
10 miles down the road.

We've got dinner!

Squirrel. Check that out!

I think that
with a bit of cheese
will be delicious.

Right.

CLARKSON: Look at May's face!

I never told you about
my vegetarianism, did I?

CLARKSON: Soon,
we were near the field

where we would be
camping for the night.

Right now,
the sun's going down,

I'm with my mates,

it's down below 90 degrees,

we're in the deep south,

it's a pleasant evening.

This is nice.

But, we still only had
a squirrel for dinner,

so I peeled off
for one last forage,

while the others went ahead
to set up camp.

HAMMOND: Sorry!

Right, we've got work to do.

I'm thinking
squirrel on the rack,

and then maybe,
here's my plan,

with a few herbs, garnished,
something like that.

Um, I'm thinking
if I cook it once,

and then maybe cook it again,

so it'll go like crispy duck,

only it's a squirrel.

Is he ever coming back?

We can't just
lob it on, can we?

Okay with the rabbit,
you take the head off and
you go down the middle...

But all we've got
to do it with
is a tent pick.

-Didn't you bring a penknife?
-No.

HAMMOND: Time passed,
and still no sign of Jeremy.

I'm not peeling it, mate.

I don't see
why I should do it.

-Come on.
-I don't want to
peel a squirrel.

I'm gonna bring the squirrel
over to you.

-Is that a car?

Is it Jezza?

James?

-What's he got?
-In all seriousness,
that's...

What?

You have got to be...

It's a flaming cow, mate!

-Main course.
-Yeah.

I'm thinking how long
have I've been in the sun
putting the tent up.

-Why?
-Because what I'm seeing...
You'll love this.

Is a cow on the roof
of your Camaro.

It is, isn't it?
That is a cow on there.

I don't want to be pedantic,
but is it road kill?

What, are you suggesting
I ran it down?

-Well...
-Check out the front
of my car.

I had to find someone to
help me get it on there,
but I didn't run it down.

It was at the side of the road
and now it's on the roof
and now it's our supper!

Do you know
what to do with it?

-Well, you've got to...
-Peel it.

-I'm not peeling that!

MAY: First though,
we had to get it off the roof.

What if I go round a corner
quite quickly, backwards?

-If I reverse.
-Left hand down, yeah.

Left hand down,
it'll roll over that way,
do we think?

I reckon she's good to go.

Yes, there you go!

-Hey, Jeremy?
-What?

I'm better,
I can't see a cow on the roof
of your Camaro any more.

-I'm not hungry.
-What?

I'm not hungry.

You son...

It stinks, Jeremy.

CLARKSON: That night,
Brokeback and I feasted
on beef and squirrel,

and then, with May in bed,

we decided it would be
better for all of us

if the air-conditioning
in his car were to break.

CLARKSON: Shh!
HAMMOND: Okay.

Sorry!

Why don't we just hit it
with a hammer?

Hold on.

Oh, hang on, hang on!

They really built these
on buses. It's ridiculous!

I'm just hitting it
with a spatula.

Another mosquito
just bit my face.

It's not working.

He's gonna notice, isn't he?

HAMMOND: Another
humid day dawned,

and now May knew
what it felt like.

MAY: Those pathetic,

lager-swilling,
barbecuing, redneck thugs

that I call my co-presenters
have vandalised my car.

CLARKSON: I have had to make
a few modifications
to the car this morning

because of the cow incident,
I lost the aerial.

So now I've got
an i-Station instead.

And that, teamed
with the fan means

I really can't see
where I'm going.

Also, because some cow
did get into the car,

I'm using air fresheners here
to cover up the smell.

So I can't really see
where I've been.

Oh, and the passenger seat,

that got a lot of
cow juice on it,

so it's now in the back of
Hammond's truck.

MAN ON RADIO:
By this afternoon,

skies will be
considerably cloudy

with showers and
thunder storms likely.

North east winds,
five to 10 miles per hour.

Come on!

Alabama's only 40 miles now!

Our scrap yard cars
have covered 650 miles
and inevitably

they were becoming
more than just metal.

This whole thing now really
sums up why I love cars.

Now you take this Camaro,

the dash is more plastic than
an American newsreader,

the engine's got
less power than Belgium,

the suspension is softer
than the journalism
in an in-flight magazine,

and of course,
it reeks of cow.

But, I adore it,

because you can just sense
it wants to keep going.

And I bet James is
exactly the same there
in the Cadillac.

I bet he's having
exactly the same emotions.

I'd rather be in this now
than an Enzo,
and I'm not joking.

HAMMOND: But before
we entered Alabama,

we had to go to Bagdad
for our next challenge.

This is it!

We are in Bagdad.

Not a place I was expecting
to visit on this trip.

Challenge time.

Lose five pounds in one hour.

Yep, sweat it away!
Come on then.

No.

Okay. It says here,
we must not be
shot or arrested

as we drive across
the proud state of Alabama.

But we will get bonus points
if we can get one of
the others shot or arrested.

I don't understand.
How do we do that?

You will therefore decorate
one another's cars

in such a way to draw
maximum attention to yourself

in this Bible-bashing,
redneck,

deeply Christian
part of the Union.

Decorate?

I think what it means is
we each have to write slogans

on the other one's cars,
so you...

-HAMMOND: To get them killed?
-Yeah.

All right.

You do Hammond's.
Take it away into the bushes.

-You do...
-I'm doing yours.

I'm getting you killed.
Well, come on!

The south, the south.
It is Christian, short hair,

they don't like Communists.

What is closest
to their heart?

I've gotta get him killed.
This is a once
in a lifetime opportunity.

I'd be letting you down,
me down, everybody down.

HAMMOND: Revenge for
all those height gags.

Every time
he's called me Hamster.

This is for every time
you've been late and lost.

Can you tell what it says yet?

James, I hate you for that.
I really hate you for that.

-All the time you drove
into the back of my Cadillac.
-Yeah.

Do you know, actually,
I think, honestly, we've all
done a good job here.

But I do believe
that the person
most likely to be shot

is indeed Hammond.

-The simple...
-I think what
you've done there James,

-is killed your friend.
-Yeah.

CLARKSON: Gingerly,
we rejoined the open road.

Three religions
down here,

George Bush, God,
Country and Western.

In that order,
ascending order.

I'll be honest. I have felt
less conspicuous than this.

Here we are.
Sweet home Alabama.

CLARKSON:
They've shot their own sign!

What are they gonna do to us?

To understand what Jeremy
has actually done to my car,

you have to remember
that this is deep
Republican territory.

That woman
is the arch Democrat.
She is the anti-Christ.

HAMMOND:
It's not just the slogan.

It's the fact that
it's painted on a pick-up,
symbol of the South,

-I mean...

Ooh!

MAY: And then, Jeremy
has written on the boot,
"NASCAR sucks."

That's a type of
saloon car racing

that is very, very big
in this part of the world.

This is where all
the drivers come from,

all the building
of the cars is done,

all the supporters
come from down here,

and to say it sucks,

is a bit like
going up and punching
somebody's sainted mother.

No! No!

-Whoa!

CLARKSON:
We've survived the highway,

but then we had to
pull into a town for fuel.

Oh, this is
really terrifying.

Okay!

Just, um...
That's diesel.

That's... I've gone...

"Hillary for President"
that's not going down well.

CLARKSON: This lady was cross.
But not as cross
as the garage's owner.

I'll ask you!

Now are you all gay,

hooking to see
how long it takes
to get beat up in a hick town?

CLARKSON:
I'm not gay. I'm married.

I've got three children.

No, we are not. No.

We've just sort of
decorated our cars
in a distinctive manner.

"NASCAR sucks",
"Country and Western
is rubbish?"

Guess what?
You're on a hick town, man.

We're gonna die now.
That's it.

Don't you dare!

HAMMOND: She said
she was gonna get the boys.

I'm gone!

So we decided to scarper.

I've just remembered.
I've actually got
loads of petrol.

HAMMOND: And then,
of all the moments.

-Oye, jump leads!
-You're joking?

Jump leads.

Not now!

This is gonna be
the quickest jump in history.

You get the leads.
I'll start it.

Tell your friend if he
tagged up my parking lot...

HAMMOND: The rednecks arrived.

We've just got
a slight problem here.

This is bad!

Then they turned
on the film crews!

Quick!

Rocks started
pelting our vans.

MAN: Go! Get out of here!

What's happening?

For the next few moments,

our TV programme
became a radio show.

Oh,
there are the pick-up trucks.

Get your foot down.
I think we've got
a load of them on our tail.

Something's going on here,
I'm telling you.

Because these three trucks,
that were
in the petrol station

have now just
torn past us.

We need to get
these slogans off, lads.

Pull over, pull over.

Get the other side.

Nothing to wipe it off
with now.

Go.

CLARKSON:
With the artwork gone,
we hit the road, hard.

I'm doing something
I never thought I'd do.

I am running for the border.

God in heaven,
that was actually frightening.

They could have killed us!

CLARKSON: They really do have
an irony deficiency.

I honestly believe
that in certain parts
of America now,

people have started to mate
with vegetables.

And then
with one problem behind us,
we ran straight into another.

God, lightning!

You think this is God
punishing us?

-I'm just...

Did you hear that?

It was a great time
to discover

that the wipers in my car
were worse than useless.

This is like something
out of a horror film now.

I'm in serious trouble.
I cannot see a damn thing.

There were no exits and
stopping on the hard shoulder

in rain like this
would've been suicidal.

So there was
only one choice.

You're on the lane.
Go right, Jeremy.

Yeah, now, this is very bad!

Left a bit.

Please stop raining,
please stop raining,
please stop raining.

HAMMOND: You're on the lane.
Go right.

I think I am just gonna
get out and kill myself,

put myself out of misery.

Oh, hell.

What with the storm and
the rock-throwing rednecks,

our fly-drive holiday
wasn't going that well.

I just wanted to get
on the big British jet
and go home.

I want to be met
by a homosexual in grey
flannel trousers saying,

"Welcome on board,
Mr. Clarkson.
Can I get you a scone?"

111 miles to New Orleans.

Come on, Camaro!

HAMMOND: Yes, that's it!

We're in Louisiana.

MAY: All we had to do was
get there and sell our cars.

And that, actually,
would be quite a sad moment.

I love my Cadillac.

I mean, we've known
each other, what, a few days

we had this fantastic
adventure together

all across America.

And it's my car now,
and there are always foibles.

HAMMOND: It's not
the biggest truck,

it's not the fastest,
it's not the best looking,

but it just keeps going.

It's like a little Welsh pony.

I respect that.

CLARKSON: This car really is
like living in an old house.

You know to kick the back door
in a certain way
to make it open.

It's the same with this.
I know how to keep
the power steering going.

I know how to get the best out
of what's left of the clutch.

I liked it as a kind of joke
when we started

but now, we're like that.

MAY: Of course, there were
certain other problems
with selling our cars.

This very, very bad
Cadillac weave going along
this straight stretch here,

so I'll keep
my worry beads to hand.

Whoa! Relax.

We're in New Orleans
and something has
come off the Camaro.

The temperature gauge
is off the scale.

Come on!

MAY: Finally though,
we made it.

And my word,
were we in for a shock.

We had seen on the news what
Hurricane Katrina had done,

but seeing the
devastation for real
was truly astonishing.

Oh, my God!

Oh, look at that!

CLARKSON: Well, now,
this is extraordinary.

Every house, I've been
driving now, what, 15 miles,

there isn't a pavement,
there isn't a building,

there isn't anything
that isn't smashed.

It's such a vast scale
of destruction.

A year had passed
since Katrina had
blown through and...

we sort of assumed
that after 12 months

the wealthiest nation on earth
would have fixed it.

But we were wrong.

How can the rest of America
sleep at night
knowing that this is here?

It certainly
gave us a problem.

The original plan had been
for us to sell our cars here

and see who could
get the most money.

But in the midst of all this,
that just seemed...wrong.

We therefore had a con-flat
and decided that
we should give our cars away.

So we called
the local mission

who put us in touch
with some families

who lost theirs in Katrina.

It's got an alloy.

It's all standard. It's not
been messed with anyway.

I met the guy
who had it before.

It's 150,000 miles and look,

it's like new under there.

-I like it.
-Done, it's yours.

Take the truck, it's yours.

Look after it.
It's been a good friend to me.

All right, we appreciate it.

Jeremy did his usual trick
of telling it like it is.

Rev counter-not good,

Speedo, not good.
Fuel gauge, not good.

Dent on the roof,
that was caused by a cow.

As far as driving it
is concerned,

the engine is brilliant.

Gear box, tiptop.

It's a good car,
it's all yours.

So, although it hadn't been
the most relaxing holiday,

it had been a proper
boys own adventure.

And what's more,
we could go home

knowing that
we'd done a little bit

to help those less fortunate
than ourselves.

Well, Richard and I could
but James sadly couldn't
even give his car away.

-It's still here!
-A family came
round this corner

not 10 minutes ago,

"Oh, thank you.
We lost everything
in Hurricane Katrina."

And they rejected it.

Do you want
a lift to the airport
in my car?

-No.
-Me neither.

-I don't.
-Thank you.

-Hammond, can I
borrow the jump leads?
-No.

Loser, loser!

Hey, I reckon if you
look on Google Earth,

you'll be able to see his car
'cause it'll still be there!

It's not as though
you won't be able
to see it either,

it's big enough.

Okay, so there's no doubt that
James lost that challenge.

And equally no doubt
that I won.

Hang on.
How did you arrive at that?

Well, my Camaro
was the fastest,
it had the best brakes,

it didn't break down,
apart from the wipers... Much.

So it was the best!

It wasn't actually quite
as easy to give away

as you made out in that film.

-Was it?
-Well, there's sort of...

Why don't you tell
the ladies and gentlemen

-what happened after the
cameras had been turned off.
-Yeah.

Well, a lady came
and she said she was

a lawyer represented
a Christian mission
that we had gone to

and she said,
she'd been promised

by one of our researchers
a 1991 Camaro
and it was an '89.

And she said
that was misrepresentation

and she was
going to sue me.

It really did happen.
It really did happen.

Then she said that
if I gave her $20,000 in cash,

she might be able
to make the case go away.

And you won't believe
what happened to us next.

No, which was that,
a very large pick-up turned up

-full of heavily armed
and very burly men...
-Mmm-hmm.

-Told us to
get off their street.
-Yes.

So really,
we do have two Top Gear
top tips for you tonight.

One, yes,
you can buy rather than rent,

and two,
don't go to America!

Top Gear is back
to its normal self next week.

So we'll see you then.
Thanks for watching.
Good night!