All language subtitles for the.grand.tour.s03e10.720p.web.hevc.x265.rmteamNH

Hello, everybody.

Hel-lo!

- How you doing?
- Thank you.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

Thank you so much.

Thank you and coming up
in this incredibly exciting show:

a young woman changes a wheel...

...an older woman drinks some lager...

...and Richard looks at a book.

Look at that.

However...

However, we begin
with a film from James May,

who's in his 80s.

What?

No, wait, sorry.

We begin with a film from
James May about the '80s.

Yes. Thank you.

The '80s, a time of marvellous excess -

you know, Gordon Gekko
and big shoulder pads

and of course incredible supercars -

the greatest of which, without question,

was this one.

The Ferrari Testarossa...

...was excess on wheels...

...be it looks...

...attitude...

...or even size.

When this car came out,
people were absolutely aghast

at how wide this car was.

I don't mean wide like Del Boy,

I mean wide as in width.

It was enormous! Especially at the back.

And it simply oozed charisma

from every one of its slatted panels.

It was unquestionably...

...the only car that
could star in Miami Vice.

In fact, Enzo Ferrari
loved that show so much,

he actually gave its star, Don Johnson,

his own Testarossa.

And Don was just the tip
of the celebrity iceberg.

Rod Stewart had one, Elton John had one,

Mike Tyson had one,

OJ Simpson had one.

And presumably wore driving gloves.

The price of this car,
when it went on sale in 1985,

was £62,666.

That is, as I'm sure you know,
the number of the beast.

And, when you unleashed
its five-litre V12...

...it would do 180 miles an hour.

That was an astonishing
figure for the time.

It had the speed
and the celebrity fan base.

But the Testarossa was not
what you'd call politically correct.

Consider, for example,
that the window switches

are tiny little things hidden
here on the centre console.

Where you'd expect them to be,

that... well, obviously,
it's a huge ashtray.

In fact, if they'd given
that a mirrored lid,

it could have had two uses.

If the 1980s were
the era of excess, then,

well, this was
the perfect car for the era.

I'm afraid Mr May has just
been wasting your time rather

because that is not
the ultimate '80s supercar.

This is.

For sheer over-the-topness,

nothing comes close to
the Lamborghini Countach.

Alongside it,

the Testarossa looks
like a family hatchback.

If you think the Ferrari is wide,

this is even wider.

And the Testarossa's doors
don't open like this.

This version of the Countach, the LP5000,

was launched in 1985,

specifically to put the
Testarossa back in its box.

Its 48-valve, 5.2 litre-V12...

...can take the Countach
to 186 miles an hour,

or to be precise, more than the Ferrari.

In fact, in its day, this was
the fastest production car in the world.

I've got a Kevlar bonnet,

I've got rear tyres
the size of road rollers.

We're talking ultimate supercar here.

And this incredible machine...

...came from a company that didn't
have half the resources of Ferrari.

Let me give you an example.

This car might look
super aerodynamic, like a missile.

But in fact, it never saw
the inside of a wind tunnel.

They couldn't afford to put it in one.

So instead, they ranthe a
prototype up and down the motorway,

with bits of wool stuck all over it.

I love that!

Oh, hello. Here he comes.

The also-ran.

Mr Silver Medallist.

The trouble with that Lamborghini is,

it's a bit "all mouth and no trousers."

Fastest car in the world, my arse!

Even Lamborghini will admit
they ran slightly hooky cars

when they did the performance testing.

They took the mirrors off and
stripped weight out of them.

Absolute flim-flam.

The thing is, supercars, to me,

are all about being the ultimate.

It doesn't matter what
that is, but it has to be an ultimate.

And this is the ultimate
bedroom wall poster car.

When I first saw one of these as a kid,

it lit a flame in my heart.

And when I saw one today,
as a middle-aged man,

that same flame roared into life.

Listen to that noise!

It's like a gun going off!

The problem is, the
Lamborghini Countach wasn't really a car.

It wasn't really for
driving... but this was.

It's got a proper boot,
a decent-sized fuel tank,

it's got comfortable seats.

It's actually a continent
crushing touring car.

Eventually, we pulled over

so we could continue
arguing face to chest.

Oh, brakes on. Brilliant.

On the line.

Right.

Oh, that's not...

That doesn't help much in there.

You can't see behind you, can you?

I just want to be really
accurate and you can help.

That's in the way and that's in the way.

That's why the early ones
had a periscope.

I've got a better idea.
There's a cool thing I can do here.

If you sit here like... this...

...and then you can put it
in reverse, there...

You're gonna run over your own foot.

- On no RPM. How cool is this?
- Yes, it is moving. Yes, yes.

- I look pretty cool.
- You're all right.

You're all right.

- I'm in my car but not...
- Bit of left hand down.

- What? Oh, yeah.
- Left hand down.

It's like being out of
the side of a helicopter in Vietnam.

It's that cool. Yeah.

I was just explaining to the
viewers before we stopped

what a sham this car is.

That rear wing has no effect

other than to slow the car down

and make the front go light
when you're at high speed.

It's actually worse than that
cos it's illegal.

They didn't have the money
to homologate it properly.

So they'd build the cars in the factory

then wheel them out
into the car park

and a man screwed them on
with a power drill.

Genuinely. And I love that about it!

- In the car park?
- In the car park, finished it off. I love that!

Why don't we tell the viewers
how the indicator stalk on your supercar...

...comes from a Morris Marina?

Well, why don't we talk about the fact

that the electric door mirror
adjustors on yours

are out of an Austin Montego?

- I was hoping you didn't know that.
- I did.

Ahem. Rod Stewart had a Testarossa.

Rod Stewart had a Countach.

Oh, yeah.

Unable to agree on anything,

we decided to take a more
intellectual approach...

...by having a drag race.

Now, on paper, the Lamborghini is faster,
definitely.

But as we've already observed,

Lamborghini were a bit fast and
loose with their performance figures

back in the day.

So now, finally,
we can find out for real.

However, as we sat on the start line,

something occurred to us.

These are privately owned
cars, aren't they?

Correct, yeah.

Well, the thing is,

Testarossas don't really
like standing starts,

cos they tend to blow
their own differentials up.

How much is a new differential?

It's £26,000.

Actually, I'm quite glad
you've mentioned that.

Because these don't like
standing starts either.

It's those huge rear tyres.

You get a fried clutch
and a split gearbox casing.

How much does that cost?

- £36,000.
- Ooh!

So, in all, that's £62,000 at risk.

I know. I fancy something
we don't normally do -

a rolling start drag race.

Yes, I do too! I've always

wanted to try a rolling start drag race.

And for some reason,

today in these cars, I prefer that option.

So, when the light went green,

we gently pull away together.

And then, at the white line, floor it.

Rolling start.

Across the line and bin it!

And they're off.

He's getting away.

What an astonishing feeling!

Aww! An angry Countach!

140...

Agh!

There you go.

The bull has kicked the horse's arse.

Even through that
ridiculously small window,

you look smug.

Oh, I am, mate, because I won.

And it matters.

It does matter, that's the annoying thing.

It really matters.

Legendary cars.
They are legends.

- Fabulous.
- It was a privilege, wasn't it?

- Special.
- Yeah.

A couple of things I think you

forgot to mention in that film.

The Countach.

The steering feels like
it's set in concrete,

so does the gear lever, so do the pedals.

And if you use the air conditioning,

it's like you're being
breathed on by a hot dog.

He is right about that.

And you can't talk either, cos your

roly-poly barge Testarossa

was, as you said, driven
by a man from Miami Vice

who rolled his jacket sleeves up.

The Duke of Edinburgh
doesn't do that, does he?

- Earl Haig doesn't do that.
- Hang on a minute!

- What?
- By attacking those cars,

you are destroying
the very foundations

of everything we love
and hold precious.

Mm-hm. And now it's time to
destroy them a little bit more

by seeing how slowly those
cars go round The Eboladrome.

And it's off in a
clutch-slipping, smoky start.

Ooh, it's wet.

And look at that lunging
and pitching there.

As she heads on to the Isn't.

Having a look at the gear lever,
make sure it hasn't fallen off.

Sleeves very sensibly rolled down.

Look at the body roll on it. Here we go.

Oh, she's fighting the wheel there.

More lean, as she lunges down
to Your Name Here.

It really is dodge, duck, dip, dive.

It's like watching Dodgeball, only slower.

And less amusing.

Another glance down at the gear lever.

And now ringing out that flat 12.

Powerboating back towards Old Lady's House

in a wake of spray.

I can't imagine she's enjoying this.

Right, hard on the brakes.

Taking a wisely cautious line in there.

Has it stopped? No, still moving, just.

And now, yeah, lumbering
towards Substation.

In fairness, it does sound quite good.

Very good, actually.

Wallowing through there
like a Rolls-Royce Corniche.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Yes, she's sliding it!

And across the line.

- She's nuts.
- That was absolutely nuts.

Sliding a Testarossa I wouldn't

do that for all the tea in China.

Technical point that might
confuse the viewers.

You just said,
"The roar from the flat 12,"

which is sort of right
but I said, "V12,"

which is also sort of right,
cos it's not a boxer.

So it's a 180-degree flat V12.

- Like that.
- Literally not interested.

It's a flat...

It's a flattish V12.

Anyway, it's now time to
see how the Lambo got on.

And it's a snappier start
for the Countach,

mashing its fat rear tyres
into that sodden Tarmac.

It really is sodden.

A quick look down to make
sure it's in gear there.

Now easing off through the
second curve on the straight.

And back on the power
towards Your Name here.

No need for Abbie
to go to the gym this week.

She's getting all the workout
she needs in the Lambo.

Turning in hard as she dare.

Rear wing doing
absolutely nothing as usual.

Ooh, I thought it was gonna take off there!

And now the joyless wrestle
back towards Old Lady's House.

Through the rain.

A rush of the brakes, I felt,
at the mid-point there.

Now, much harder braking
and down through the gears.

It sounded like an angry
tractor at low revs.

And now in the damp dash
towards Substation.

That makes an even better noise

than the Ferrari, really.

Brilliant. Just two corners left.

Will she get this one
sliding in Field of Sheep?

Bit of a wiggle there but
through the Field of Sheep?

No, and there we are, across the line!

- Brave.
- Brave.

Right.

Let's see where they go on
the board, Lamborghini first.

Hang on, that's
the bottom of the board.

They're not going
to the top, are they?

See, look at that. 30th place.

It's faster than a Ford Fiesta.

I mean, come on. That's pretty good.

That is tragically slow!

It was a long time ago!

It doesn't look good, does it?

Honda Civic, Ford Focus -
they're all quicker.

All right, one good thing is,

the Testarossa can't be much

slower than that. Let's find out.

My God!

Oh, God!

It is faster than the Up!

And they're both in the wet
so that's a fair comparison.

Loser, I believe.

Look, I think
we have to face facts here.

They're two very slow cars.

But at least they are expensive

and horrible to drive.

Anyway, now it's time to
bite into a cake of debate,

from the café of chat...

...on the corner of Conversation Street.

I think after 36 of those
we are running out of ideas.

It was getting desperate.

Now, any young people here,

looking forward to driving maybe one day?

Thinking the future holds a
Ferrari for you, Lamborghini.

Afraid not. There's a company in Aberdeen

who've decided that the future
actually will look like this.

Oh, God. -

- Bloody hell.
- Really?

Electric?

Of course
they're electric, obviously.

Range of 35 miles.
They're stackable cars.

Wait, so they work like the
human centipede, then?

Not exactly like that, no.

No. No...

No.

What I mean is, they're all
connected together.

Yeah, they're connected,
exactly. They're connected.

Hang on, what if you're in
the one in the middle, right?

And you want to go a different
way to the one in the front.

What are you gonna do?

It's worse than that.
If you're in the middle

and go a different way,
you won't have any wheels.

They'll be left attached to the
ones in the front and back.

There's not enough wheels.

I grant you, it looks ridiculous

that the front and back separate.

"We've got no bloody wheels!"

Actually, it's an optical illusion,

the back wheels are inboard.

So you do have wheels.

But what if you were in the back one

and it was being driven by Richard
Hammond from the front?

- You'd be bloody terrified.
- Oh, all right!

Yes, that is a point.

But I don't think you quite
understand how this works.

I'll need to check it out.

It's quite complicated so bear with me.

You see, the idea is these cars are

sort of everywhere for people to use.

And then at night, a man goes round

in the green one, the one in front,

and he collects all the
others up behind him.

He's a bit like those men you see

at airports, with all the trolleys,

and he ends up with that two-mile

snake that bashes into your ankles.

- It's like that.
- So it gathers them all up?

So, hang on a minute. You drive
home in the evening, say.

- Mm-hm.
- In your car.

You get up next morning but it's gone

because a bloke's collected it?

Yeah.

That doesn't work because most
journeys by car are two-way.

You get there, then you need to get back.

Unless you're driving to Dignitas.

No, they'd work for that.

Maybe it's a Dignitas collection service.

The thing is, I'm going to
try and work out how it...

It's quite complicated.
They have actually...

There is a flow chart that explains
how it works. Put that up.

- Here we are.
- Oh, I see!

You're stabbed in the back with
a giant fork, and briefcase,

then you bump into
one-and-two-thirds cars,

that turn into half a car, that

crash into a picture of a train...

This makes no sense at all!

No, hang on a minute. You've
got that wrong, haven't you?

You get into two cars but only

drive off in three-quarters of one.

And you go to the station, because

presumably you're going somewhere,

but whilst you're going somewhere,

somebody takes it and puts it back.

You get back to the station
you haven't got a bloody car!

That doesn't work!

No, what they're saying is,

the future is going to be
very inconvenient.

Yeah, it sounds that way.

That's basically
what they're actually saying.

I've got a blindingly good idea,

I'd like to run this by you...

- Sure.
- ...in a committee fashion.

What if... we had a car of our own.

You could buy it or lease it,
but it was, like, your car.

And then... No, it's crazy, I know.

Then there'd be a pretty good chance

it would be wherever it was
when you last left it...

- when you came back to it.
- So all these people -

you've left cars in
the car park here, have you?

- So they'd still be there...
- That's exactly it!

They won't have been collected
up by a random stranger.

Imagine this - you go out
and your car's still there. Brilliant.

Let me run with that, if I may.

What if you could run these
cars on a kind of magic juice?

Takes two or three minutes
to replenish them,

you go hundreds of miles.

- What magic juice?
- Well, you could get it from underground.

- What's it made of?
- Squashed prawns?

It's all sounding a bit improbable, mate.

Well, let's take on the
company from Aberdeen

and see who gets it more right.

Can I talk about Robert Kubica?

Polish Formula One driver,
there's a picture of him now.

A few years ago, eight years ago actually,

he had a terrible accident while

doing a spot of rallying for fun.

That was the car. You see the

crash barrier went into the car.

Broke every single bone on
the right side of his body,

everything from his heel to his shoulder.

Had a seven-hour operation
to put his arm back on again,

and then 17 more operations after that.

And his arm still doesn't work properly,

but this weekend he is back
in a Formula One car.

And I'd just like say,
that's bloody brilliant.

What a man!

Determination.

Like um...

Mark Webber, OK, the Aussie F1 guy,

former F1 guy,

he welcomed him back to
Formula One by tweeting:

"Poland's man is coming back,

what a warrior
and tenacious prick he is."

Now, to be fair, to be fair
for an Australian,

that is getting quite
soppy and sentimental.

"Ah, yeah, he's a prick."

Oh, now. As I'm sure you know,

there's a lot of work
going on at the moment

with sort of electric cars,
driverless cars

- and the future of transportation and so on.
- Yes, we have noticed.

Exactly. All I want is
something that stops things

falling down the side of the
seat when you're driving along.

I want the car I've got now,

but just something that
stops that happening.

- That's it?
- That is the sum total of your ambition?

Yes, it is...

At this period of fundamental
change in the whole concept

of car ownership, car usage,
car functionality...

Mm-hm, that's all I want,
something that...

Cos they say it's dangerous
to tweet when you're driving.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Driving along like that,

and "Oh, no, I've dropped
my phone down there."

You've got the seat lifted,
your head's squashed,

you're desperately shoving
your hand down there,

shoving it in, all the skin's
been peeled back at the side.

"I'll get it, I'll get it."

- "Like a... Like a determined vet."
- Exactly!

Exactly!

Not exactly.

- Sort of, like...
- "Come on, mole, give birth!"

"It's burst!"

Why can't we just
have a little bit of a f...

I mean, I'm doing it on this side because

we're all British, but whatever side.

A little flap of material that stops things

going down. I mean, how hard can that be?

I know what you mean, it is an issue.

I once looked under the driver seat

of my 911, and you'll remember this,

I found eight pairs of sunglasses
I'd lost and replaced.

- He did.
- Just all under there.

There's house keys, ingots, relatives.

There's also... And eventually you
do drop something.

You know what it's like when you
drop something and you think,

"I really do need to get that
back," so you have to stop.

And then you can't get it
from here or from here.

So then you have to go round the back,

and you can never quite get in properly,

so you've got your hand
under it like this.

And there's always... There's
always what feels like

a bit of furry mucus.

No, there is! There is,
there is! You've seen it!

- That is always there.
- Like a hairy tumour.

And it's squidgy, and you go...

There always, always is one of those,

and it's always, always on top of
whatever it was you lost.

Do you know, the Holy Grail
will probably turn up

- under somebody's driving seat.
- It will.

I tell you what, if you went
underneath everybody's seat,

if you all tonight
when you go back to the car,

have a look under your car seats,

you will find enough loose
change to pay for Brexit.

It could do it, it could tip it.

We could pretty much pay
the whole lot. Who's with me?

Yes.

There you go, you see, people applauded...

Well, three people applauded my idea.

- James?
- What?

- Interesting news.
- Oh, God!

What do you mean, "Oh, God"?

Well, whenever one of you
two says, "Interesting news"

it turns out to be about the war.

No, this... isn't about the war.

This is interesting news about
the speed of different birds.

- Oh, that's even worse!
- Oh, I love this.

We've talked about this before?

They've been going on about
this ever since he claimed

to have clocked a pigeon
doing 25 miles an hour.

I did. I was driving alongside,

there was a pigeon that was doing 25.

Anyway, a Swiss speed camera
has clocked a duck...

It's clocked a duck,
it's actually triggered the camera.

Got a picture here, look, proving it.

Look at that!
And it took a picture of a duck.

- How fast was it going?
- 32 miles an hour.

There you go.
That's quite incredible.

Cos if I was asked, I'd say
a duck would do 20 or 21...

It's not quite incredible,
neither is it remotely interesting!

It is interesting!
It's a piece of knowledge, Hammond!

How can the world be a poorer place

for having a bit more knowledge in it?

- Exactly.
- Because that knowledge

is peculiar and strange, and
doesn't matter a bugger to anybody.

You're not gonna be mocking when

you're Buttons in the panto in Swindon

and Jeremy and I are waving at

each other from our super yachts

because of the global success
of our television series

James And Jeremy's The Speed Of Birds.

- It's gonna be absolutely massive.
- Who'd watch that?

Come on, who'd watch The Speed Of Birds?

Who wants to see him as
Buttons at the Swindon Wyvern?

Me.

No! Never!

I think that marks the end
of Conversation Street.

Yes.
I think it does. I think I'll move it on,

because all of us agree that
we do love a hot hatchback.

Yeah, we love that they're practical,

cheap to run, cheap to repair,

but they still go like demented baboons.

Yeah, and now there's a new
breed of small hot hatchback.

And to find which one is
best, we took The Grand Tour

to that field just over there.

Yes, the start point for our test

was our own track in Oxfordshire.

And this is what we'd assembled.

I've brought the new Volkswagen Polo GTI,

which has 197 horsepower.

Richard Hammond has brought
the new Ford Fiesta ST,

which also has 197 horsepower.

James May has brought
the new Toyota Yaris,

which has a ridiculous name,

the "Grmn".

Grmm-nn...

Grmn. How do you say that? Grmm-nn...

Grumuna.

It isn't Grumuna,
there's no "a" at the end.

It says "Grmn".

- It is a funny name.
- What does it mean, Grmn?

Gazoo Racing Meisters of the Nurburgring.

- Oh! Your favourite place!
- That's where it was developed.

And what is Gazoo Racing?

Gazoo Racing is
Toyota's racing division.

This has been done
by a small group of people

dedicating themselves over two years

to making this the perfect hot hatch.

Stiffened body shell, shorter
springs, SACHS dampers.

It's got a supercharger, it's
got special forged wheels,

it's got special tyres, it's
got stiffened anti-roll bars.

It's even got a different steering
rack from the standard Yaris.

That's proper hot-hatch technology.

My car is just over £21,000,
yours is what?

- Just shy of £20,000.
- Just under £20,000.

Over £26,000.

And worth every penny,

because it's properly
developed as a hot hatchback.

It's not a pretty car.

- I think it is.
- It's put make-up on one eye.

Slightly mad make-up
on one eye, it's like Kiss.

It's like watching my daughters
get ready in the morning.

"Am I done?" "Yeah, you're done."

Yours is a brown car.

- It's not brown!
- That is brown.

- Oh, yeah, it is.
- It isn't, it's mushroom.

The cameramen know
about colour. Is it brown?

- It's brown.
- It's definitely brown.

It's mushroom!

At this point, we
decided that instead of arguing

about which car was best, we
should do some actual tests,

starting with a pursuit race.

Each of us was spaced at equal
distances around the track

and the rules were simple.

When you're overtaken by the car behind...

...James is out.

Can I just ask, why am
I starting on the gravel,

on a bend, when you two are on Tarmac?

- Have you got launch control?
- No.

Well, that's your look-out,
then, isn't it? I have.

All right, what-evs. Let's go.

Launch control active! I'm ready.

Three, two, one, go!

Ooh, and we are away!

Aw.

It's a lively little thing, this.

Let's not forget, shall we,
that Volkswagen

invented the hot hatchback
and they're still the best at it.

Take an ordinary hatchback,
stiffen the suspension,

stiffen the body, give it a big engine.

The end.

Kazoo!

It's nice, it feels taut.
What happens here?

Where does it go?

This is cracking. I love these.

Those little crackles and
bangs from the exhaust,

it's got valves in it...

...to make it sound good.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on. And into the gravel cell.

It's actually quite funny the
way the tail will slide round

and then you can feel the brakes grabbing

to stop it actually spinning.

That way, you can have lots of fun

without there being
blood or an ambulance.

No, got it wrong, and
I've got Jezza behind me.

The "Grunumunum"
is right in my sights now.

Come on, come on, come on.
This is exciting times now.

Duh! Incorrect.

Ah, that was, I overdid it.

Hard to see wherethe I'm
going now due to the dust cloud

from the "Grunumunummmnnmm".

- Whoa!
- Oh, no, Hammond's catching Clarkson as well.

This is getting very interesting.

Right, time to reel Jeremy in.

Come on, come on, come on, this is...

Too wide.

You're out! Ha ha!

With the roadblock out of the way,

it became a two-horse war of attrition.

Come on, Clarkson, you're mine.

Grip. Grip, grip, grip.

Hot hatchbacks are such a riot!

They really are.

If someone were to say to me
now, "Do you want to get out"

and swap into a 911 Turbo or a 488?"

I'd say, "No, I honestly
do not want to do that."

Oh, bit of lift-off oversteer.

That's what you want in a hot hatch.

Several laps later,

both of us were still
the same distance apart.

It's just occurred to me we both have

the same knowledge of this track,

we both have 197 horsepower.

This race may take a while.

However... Brakes are fading,

I can feel them fading a bit.

They do get hot.

Mine meanwhile
had got smoky hot.

So, much to the annoyance
of our colleague...

...we decided to call it a draw.

Can I just say, if this was a proper

race rather than a catchy-up race,

I'd be in the lead because I treated my car

properly and didn't overheat the brakes.

- Have you heard this?
- I did hear that.

You don't pause in a race!

- So if you drive slowly, you win?
- Yes.

Because my brakes aren't
overheating, I could still be...

- You never went more than 28mph!
- Rubbish!

When did you watch a motor race

on the television, on Grandstand or...

Rather than listen to any more of

May's bizarre theories on motor sport...

...we decide to move on
to the next challenge.

A drag race.

Let me talk you through the engine.
It's a two-litre turbo.

What more do you want?

Right, launch control. I'm ready.

I'm also ready.

James, on the other hand,

has some explaining to do
about his "Grunumm..."

This engine's actually
pretty interesting.

First and foremost, it's been
breathed upon by Lotus.

They actually use a similar
spec engine in the Elise.

But perhaps more interestingly,
it's supercharged,

which is unusual
in a hot hatchback.

Why bother with a supercharger?

It's heavier than a turbocharger...

So the headline figures are:

I have the most power, 209 horsepower.

I have the lowest weight,
1,135 kilograms.

And that's over 200 kilograms
lighter than Clarkson's VW.

Eventually James finished
talking and we were ready to go.

I probably won't win this.

My problem is I've got the heaviest car

and I'm the heaviest driver.

And we are away.

Where's that bloody Polo going?

Yes!

Oh, what?

A victory for the fat boy!

That can only mean that VW
have got their figures wrong.

Again.

This surprising result
called for a bit of a debrief.

The mushroom-coloured Polo...

- Brown!
- The brown VW has won.

Actually, I've got to be honest.

I am quite surprised by
its astonishing victory.

It is really annoying. And
there's nothing you can do.

- Cos it's heavy.
- And it's only as powerful as this.

The DSG gearbox makes a huge difference.

Yeah, the double clutch.

Every time you two have to
change gear, you lose 20 yards.

There's no way you can keep
up with an old-fashioned box.

No, it's one gear, then another...

Oh, hang on.

Text from Mr Wilman.

- "You idiots."
- Nice. Not very kind.

"Stop banging on about double-clutch
gearboxes and lift-off oversteer."

These cars are supposed
to appeal to young people

and they have no idea
what those things are.

The winner of this test will be the car
that appeals most to millennials,

"not old men like you."

So what test do we do that young
people would be interested?

No, wait, I've had an idea.

What exactly is a millennial?

Once we'd explained
this to James, we left the test track,

and began our new
youth-friendly road test.

What I've done is I've fitted some

youth-friendly political
stickers on the doors.

And then on the windscreen, a

transgender, fluid, neutral sunscreen.

The other Jeremy, of course,
is the great Jeremy Corbyn,

leader of the Labour Party,

a man with the same initials
as the Baby Jesus,

one of the prophets of Islam.

Richard, meanwhile, had for some reason

put the shipping forecast
on the doors of the Fiesta.

Why have you got "Stormy"
on the side of your car?

Cos that's the name of the
rapper that young people adore.

No, that's Stormzy.

Stormy's that sexual intercourse
enthusiast in America.

Popular with young people?

Meanwhile, I'd headed
for an organic farm shop

to test out my young-people modification.

What I've fitted to my car it's
powered by the same USB port

that you'd normally use to
recharge your vape bong -

is the most important thing
in a millennial's life.

And that is, of course, a juicer. Ta-da!

Now, using this, I can make a whole

range of tasty and nutritious juices

using a variety of
ethically-sound ingredients.

And that means I won't be beholden

to evil American corporations
that murder baby veals

and snap the beaks off chickens.

Back on the road,

Jeremy and I were busy competing

to win the hearts and minds
of the snowflakes.

Because you're young, you'll care

very much about the environment.

So you'll be very glad to know that

unlike the Polo and the Toyota,

this doesn't have four cylinders
the Fiesta only has three.

In fact, when it's cruising,

it can deactivate one of them
and go down to two.

That's a world first
on a three-cylinder car.

And what it means is,
it's nicer to polar bears.

The seats in here are made from cloth,

so no cow was harmed in
the making of the interior.

Apart from a small veal who was

used to make the steering wheel.

But that's it.

Right, this one is kale, apple,

line-caught avocado and ethical water...

plus my reading glasses which
fell in there earlier on.

But it doesn't matter, they've got

plastic lenses so they're perfectly safe.

Mm!

Someone's gonna want that.

In order to see if
we were on the right track,

Richard and I had headed
into the wonderful,

anti-car city of Oxford.

Many, many cyclists here.

Look at the way young people
are approving of my car

and my stickers.

Dab on it, wagwam!

I speak the language of the millennial.

Hammond and May won't be able to do that,

cos they're in a Ford and a Toyota.

They're bad whips.

You'll see there's a bus lane here.

And the Fiesta is showing no sign at all

of complaining that half the road

is completely empty and unused.

This car has no problem with that.

There's a couple of
hikers, Hammond, on my left.

I'm not judging them,
cos judging people is wrong.

Oh, cyclist.

Maniac!

Having drunk his spectacles,
James was now on the move.

My latest juice has
a bit of an Asian flavour.

Because it's made with okra,
some ground-up dry ginger,

a touch of garlic,
a pinch of garam masala...

and a pork pie.

This car was, of course,
developed at the Nurburgring,

which might sound not very millennial.

But on the other hand, it is
the world's greenest circuit.

It is completely...

Oh, Jesus!

God! Agh!

Agh...

Agh.

Back to the tent.

I've gotta be honest...

Apart from you drinking
plastic, which is evil,

I thought that was all going rather well,

the test appealing to young people.

Yeah, we talked about carbon
dioxide and polar bears

and expressed our support
for the Labour Party.

Yeah, apart from the bit where the

juicer blew up in my face, obviously,

it was all going rather
excellently, we thought.

It was, yeah.

Unfortunately, Mr Wilman said
we hadn't got the idea at all.

- No.
- And that to really appeal to millennials,

we had to somehow get
our cars in The Mail Online.

Now this was a bit of
a problem for James,

- who claims he's never read The Mail Online.
- I haven't.

You're not really The Mail's
target audience, James.

What do you mean by that?

You're not a mealy-mouthed
bitter person...

...who believes that everyone
who is luckier, better-looking,

richer and more talented than you are

should be torn to shreds and executed.

Right, well, whatever,
the rules were simple.

We had to drive into London and

then do something with our cars

that would get the paparazzi
to take a picture of them.

And then the winner would be the person

who got the most amount of those pictures

actually published.

I decided that
what I'd do was take my wife

out for dinner at the
glittering Bluebird restaurant

on the famous King's Road.

It's a popular haunt for the paps, this.

And I felt sure we'd be snapped

getting out of the little Ford.

OK, right, so remember to smile.

And look like you really like me.

- OK.
- Like, a lot.

Right.

Hold my hand, there.

And then we'll just
stand around for a bit.

- Looking forward to dinner with my wife Mindy.
- That'll be nice.

Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided

that to get himself noticed,

he'd have a puncture,
and then get a celebrity

like Binky Felstead to help him mend it.

- You grab the spare wheel.
- Really?

You have to twiddle it
so the car goes up.

- Really high in the sky.
- For God's sake!

Oh.

Come on, put your back into it.

I'm exhausted.

James, meanwhile,
was driving a car

that's never been papped

through a part of London
that's never been papped,

with his dinner date,
historian Mary Beard...

who hasn't been papped either.

I'm absolutely delighted.

This has made my month, this.

Well... Well, thank you,
that's very generous.

James then tried to think of
some interesting small talk.

This has this handy piece of
red in the steering wheel,

so you know when you're going
in a straight line, you see.

They've thought of everything.

Meanwhile, back in Chelsea...

There's no paps. There's nobody here.

- No.
- There's no photographers.

It's ridiculous.

I'm always being photographed here.

Look, here I am.

And here I am.

And here... Oh, she's just...

She's just a friend from work.

We should try having an argument.

- I don't want to have an argument.
- Well, I do, and you don't.

So we're already having
an argument. This is good.

- I don't want an argument.
- Just look a bit animated.

Having parked his car,

James was now in his
favourite Indian restaurant,

having a lesson in classical history.

The idea of the bloke
is that he is penetrating.

To be a man is to be the penetrator.

Every orifice he likes, sex wherever.

I've got to say, this is not
what I was expecting.

I was thinking you'd give me some

information about the shape of arches.

Oh, well, we can go on to that.

So you've got to get that lined up.

And then put the new ones in.

What are you doing? You're not...

- I'm sorry, it's really greasy.
- I know!

This may have been just a puncture

but it was proving to be big news.

And that is how you change a wheel.

If you ever have
a puncture on a motorway,

you're going to be
so grateful for this moment.

Lesson learned, Jeremy.

With dinner over,

the two most unpappable people in history

were waiting to be papped.

If we just stand here
looking a bit sort of...

- Embarrassed?
- Well...

Expectant?

Somebody will come
and take a picture of us.

I've just had a thought. I don't want
you to take this the wrong way,

but actually the idea of this
was to get the car in the paper.

I should have parked it outside.

Excuse me.

Wait a minute, there is... There's one.

Don't point, don't look, but there's
one over there. There he is.

Pap, there.

However, before
any pictures were taken,

May and I hatched a plan we'd
been working on for years.

Go.

Oh, you bastards!

That was my...

Get in.

James, did...

Did you burp in front of Mary Beard?

I did. I'm sorry, it just
fell out. I apologise.

I know a lot of people will be
thinking we engineered that.

We really genuinely didn't.

All you have to do to get papped

when you're in our line of work

is go into London, do something
mildly out of the ordinary

and then they swarm... not round you.

Or get clattered and fall out
of a club with no trousers on.

- That's a good way of doing it.
- Or catch pneumonia.

Yes.

I've had that a few times.
Anyway, while we were waiting

to see which of our antics
got into The Mail Online,

Mr Wilman came up with
another youth-friendly idea.

Yep, he said each of us had
to take a picture of our car

and then see which of us got the

most likes of their snap on Instagram.

Having split up,

we set to work on our respective plans.

£50 is very reasonable, yeah.

£50,000?

Oh, right.

Um... I'll ring you back in a bit.

Yeah, cheers.

My idea was to put me and the car in

one of the pods of the famous London Eye

so we could have a picture
right at the top with a fantastic view.

They want £50,000!
I thought he meant 50 quid.

Let's think of something else.

I had done just that.

For my Instagram picture,
I'm not messing about.

I've recruited a top photographer

and I'm very excited, cos he's brilliant.

Look at that.

His name is David Yarrow.

He's one of the world's
greatest wildlife photographers.

And his plan was to recreate this shot,

using my car instead of the tiger.

So I'm coming in...

The most important thing
is to have energy.

It's got to be dynamic.

And that means we needand water

flying up between me and the car.

I want to be as close safety-wise
as you'll allow me to be.

Yeah, yeah. I've got your number.

OK.

Back in London,

I'd come up with a brilliant idea.

Morning.

Morning.

Hiya. Put some clothes on.

Eventually,
my shot was in the can.

Ach!

As was May's.

And so, after no work at all,

was Jeremy's.

Could... Could you have made
any less effort with that challenge?

No, you're right.

I should have put a puppy
in it, cos Instagram loves a dog.

Anyone on Instagram, it's
all just dogs, basically.

Anyway, with our pictures
posted on Instagram,

we were all given another challenge,

to see who could get the most
views of their car on YouTube.

Yeah, now, this is a tricky one.

Because over 300 hours of footage are

uploaded to YouTube every minute.

You wouldn't think that many cats

fell into waste disposal units.

No, I know, you wouldn't.

Seems they do. So we had to
think of something special.

How could we make our cars

shine in this crowded firmament?

Push them into a waste disposal unit?

I think that's got to be it.

Or what I did to get my Ford noticed,

I decided to stage a big stunt.

In order to make my first stunt video,

I went to a very long runway.

And once my star performer
had warmed up...

...we were ready to roll.

Today history is being made.

Good luck.

Oh.

I can't watch.

Yes!

We are gonna break
the internet with that!

Meanwhile, James had gone for
a rather different approach.

If you go on YouTube,
which I do quite a lot,

you will notice that something that's

very popular with so-called millennials

is the unboxing video.

It's usually something like an idle

student with nothing better to do

simply taking something
they've bought out of the box

and talking about it.

Hey, what's going on?
The delivery guy's just left.

Got it here and I haven't even taken
it out of the box yet. I got...

This bloke is unboxing a new
television set he's bought.

You guys ready?

Whoa!

Look how many hits it's got.

The stand is not mounted on it,

you have to put that on later.

Hi, guys, it's May!

Welcome, brothers and sisters
to my latest unboxing video.

And this is a big one. It's a car.

Ohh!

Oh, yes.

Look how clean that is.

Meanwhile, Jeremy had decided

to create a Fast Show style
character

called David Soufflé.

Back at the airfield,

my next stunt was ready.

Right, now, down there is a man.

I don't know his name
but it doesn't matter,

because in a moment
I'm gonna run him over.

And here we go.

Yes! Didn't kill a man!

Ooh, I like that a lot.

"At Toyota, we want to do all we can"

to ensure that things go smoothly
when you are driving your vehicle.

Whether you are in your own
country or travelling abroad,

"you are welcome to contact us
if you think..."

Meanwhile, I was
ready for my final stunt

using my car to get a man
in a boat across a lake.

I've no idea what's gonna happen
here in terms of limb breakages.

So I'm using an office junior to do it.

He's cheap, obedient and expendable

the key ingredients for stuff like this.

So let's make him a YouTube star.

OK, now using science and maths,

I have calculated that 30 miles an hour

is the correct speed to do this.

Here we go. Launching!

Come on, little fella.

Whoo!

Glorious! Well done!

You can have Christmas Day off!

That was an impressive stunt.

Pretty cool, yeah.
I was pleased with that.

How's his therapy working out?

He's getting over it.

OK, what we've got here
is the scoreboard

that will help us determine which
is the best of the small hot hatches.

We've already filled in the race scores for

price, the pursuit race and the drag race.

Now we've got the paparazzi thing.

Hammond, how did you get on?

You two put the
"pap in a bag", didn't you?

We did, but actually we should
sell those bags to celebrities.

We should, cos they're rather clever.

You pull a drawstring, and not
only can't you take any pictures,

you can't get out of the car.

- It's also technically false imprisonment.
- Yes.

- And therefore illegal.
- So's trapping a wasp in a jam jar.

Nobody complains about that, do they?

Well, anyway, it didn't work.

Obviously there must have
been another pap we didn't spot,

because this picture appeared.

Ha-ha! A-ha-ha-ha!

No, no, no, no, no.
Wait a minute.

The rule said
it had to have the car in it.

And I don't see the car in that picture.

It also said Mail Online.

I'm guessing there's that some
evidence to suggest that is The Sun.

I hoped you
wouldn't spot that. We did.

I didn't do very well.

I think that gives you a zero, Hammond.

So you get a zero.

Now, James May, how did you get on,

taking the older woman out
for a curry in Hammersmith

and then parking your car in
an underground car park?

- Not that well, actually.
- How not that well?

- Nought, not that well.
- Not a single thing?

- My plan was rather successful.
- Was it?

49 pictures appeared, of my car and
me and Binky in The Mail Online.

- 49?
- 49 pictures.

Hang on a minute. 49 pictures
of a fat old bloke

and a young girl I've never
heard of changing a wheel?

I know. And the extraordinary thing is,

I'd like to show you the 49 pictures

but I got in touch with The
Mail Online yesterday, OK,

to say, "Can we have the pictures?"

Do you want to know how much
they were gonna charge?

£122,000.

- What?
- Really?

I kid you not. They take a
picture of me, ruin my life,

and then for me to buy the picture back

is £122,000!

There are 49 pictures on here of you.

Don't show the cameras, otherwise
there'll be a bill for 120 grand.

- But the good thing is...
- Exactly. Because of that, you score 49.

Yes, I'm afraid he does.
There's no getting around that.

Yes, I do. Which moves us
on to Instagram.

James May, how did you do
with your picture on the bus?

I scored nought.

- Nought?
- Yeah.

- How did you get nought?
- Well, it's quite interesting.

I didn't have an Instagram
account so I set one up.

- There's a surprise.
- No, but I set one up.

And then as I was setting it up, I realised

there was someone else on
Instagram pretending to be me.

So I filled in that reporting thing
that pulls down and I sent it off.

All credit to Instagram, they reacted
very quickly by that afternoon, in fact.

And they shut me down.

You?

Yeah, they didn't shut down
the fake James May.

They shut the real one down.

- They killed the wrong James May?
- Yeah.

That's quite interesting.
What's interesting me, though,

is that there's a man somewhere out
in the world, or woman,

who's thought, "I could
pretend to be anyone I like."

I shall pretend to be
James May."

- I know.
- Not very ambitious!

Why wouldn't you be
George Clooney?

Anyway, the net result
of that, as they say in the army,

is that I have... nought.

- You're doing very well!
- I've got one, yeah.

So, Hammond, how did you get on?

Well, my picture
was brilliant. Look at it.

Look at that!

No, apart from the slogan with
the sexual intercourse enthusiast,

that is an amazing photograph, granted.

So how many people have viewed it
and liked it on Instagram?

Nine.

- They blocked you as well?
- Nine. No.

I don't really do Instagram, so I
don't have many followers.

So only nine people have seen it.

Oh, dear, cos I got 54,000.

Oh, for God's sake!

Yes, but you do do Instagram!

- Yes, I do.
- So you got lots of followers.

Put in 54,000.

Let's look at this in a more
positive light, Hammond.

- He has got 1.6 million Instagram followers.
- Yes.

So 1.46 million people actively
didn't like his picture.

- That's another way of looking at it.
- Loser!

It wasn't my best work, I
admit. It was a hurried shot.

- What was it?
- 54,000.

That does
change the score line a bit.

It changes the score line a
lot, cos I'm now on 54,053.

- Right, OK.
- And you're on one.

Anyway, I also...
It gets worse, I'm afraid, for you two.

Because YouTube.
I didn't add them all up,

but my first David Soufflé
video on YouTube...

- 266,000 views.
- Oh, God.

More than a quarter of a million people.

You are ahead now.

Yes, I'm... comfortably
in the lead, I would say.

So, come on, Hammond?

16,800.

What, for all that effort?

I know! I don't get it either.

Because I gave it a really
cool, tempting caption.

It said...

Who doesn't want to look at that?

You actually put that as the caption?

That's what it said, it's clickbait.

Then the YouTube millennials thought,

"No, I'd rather watch
a cat going..."?

- They must have done.
- That's ridiculous.

I'm sorry, that is pathetic.

Young people, you're pathetic.

Right, so, there we are,
those are the scores.

- You're out.
- Yes.

And, James, I'm looking and I'm thinking,

just doing quick adding up...

Unless you manage to find

325,000 people

who are prepared to spend 16 minutes...

Cos that's how long
that unboxing video was.

...16 minutes watching you
taking a small Toyota hatchback

out of a cardboard box,
I've won.

- Yes.
- So?

330...

...thousand!

For taking a car out of a box?

Oh, he's doing the dance.

How does he always manage to win?

I think on this occasion
it was partly because

you tried to appeal to millennials by
creating a Fast Show type character

when nobody under 40 has ever
heard of The Fast Show.

Right. You might as well have done the

comedy adventures of
Neville Chamberlain in 1939.

That would have been better.

So because there are more
people who'd rather watch

an old man take
a small car out of a box,

than watch him endangering
an office junior or me wearing a moustache,

we have to deduce that
the best of the small hot hatchbacks

is comfortably the worst.

Yeah, that is our conclusion.

And on that terrible
disappointment, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for
watching, see you next time. Goodbye!