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Ollie, remember I told you I had
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Look what she left me.
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It's Quing dynasty... George,
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It's made in China, so it's rubbish.
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It's worth a lot of money. Now,
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What, here?
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Oh, yes, that's lovely.
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Bull's-eye!
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Ollie, stop that.
10
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What are you up to? Just writing
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Not you personally - humanity.
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"Art. Very poor."
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"French. Hopeless."
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No, I think the French are hopeless.
15
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Fair enough. "Maths. Man seems to
16
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I met some Japanese pupils yesterday
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They just kept screaming, "Stop the
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So, anything we ARE good at?
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I'll give you a good report for
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You are so naive, Daddy.
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Humans ARE nice.
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Sir, buy a sprig of lucky heather.
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Bring you good luck for
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50p?! Double wow with extra wow!
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What a lovely woman! You paid 50p?!
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I did not. I paid £5 and said she
27
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Talk about stupid!
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I know. She should charge a fortune!
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It's not lucky heather.
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You're wrong. It already has.
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A bottle of Chanel No 5
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Am I asking £50? No, I am not. I'm
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That's all. I'll take three.
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You can't say fairer than that.
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Your next three birthdays sorted.
36
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Now tell me who's lucky?
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George, this is rubbish. It's just
38
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Chanel charge £50 for that!
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It's not Chanel No 5!
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He was having you on. George, you
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Daddy got nothing
42
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So, he was lying to me? Yes.
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And that heather woman,
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Think about it rationally. How
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Like rubbing an old lamp
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I should never have
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I can't tell when people are lying.
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I know. Nobody lies on Ultron.
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Marriages don't last,
50
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Maybe you shouldn't trust anyone.
51
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And to help you, Daddy, I've got
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It rattles when you're lied to.
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£70.
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Fantastic! What a bargain!
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It's ever since my husband died.
56
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He was coming out of the Halifax
57
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and he had this heart attack, and...
58
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It's four weeks ago. I'm depressed.
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The Halifax isn't
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It's on Queen Street.
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Four weeks ago was a bank holiday.
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You're wrong there as well. Look,
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Memory loss as well. If you want
64
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I don't think I'll bother.
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Can't be that depressed, then.
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Morning, Mrs Raven. Forgive me
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No, I just don't like you.
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Is Janet around?
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She asked me to get milk.
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Tricky? Asda's a few pence cheaper
71
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but what if it's cheaper
72
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Right.
73
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Because they've found something
74
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so they're conning you, like
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We can all see your problem.
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Hello, George. Oh, Janet,
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Good morning, one and all.
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I'd like you all to meet
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presenter of my absolutely
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Lesbian Love Stories?
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No, the religious programme -
82
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We were both at the studio two days
83
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Our eyes met across a crowded room.
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You must be Mrs Raven.
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Piers warned me about
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Piers is a very special man.
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It is very rare to find someone in
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Isn't that right, Piers?
89
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but I'm aware I've failed the Lord
90
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Nonsense, Piers.
91
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You've got to stop being modest.
92
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Your good works, the millions
93
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Come through to my surgery,
94
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You've heard of Christian Aid. Well,
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He's so modest you won't find his
96
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I've heard some things in my time,
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To think Piers founded
98
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He DIDN'T found Christian Aid!
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Don't believe everything you hear!
100
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Morning. We're collecting for Help
101
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Of course it's OK, Stanley.
102
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George, I'm sure you'd love
103
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I would, Ella, but how do I know
104
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How do I know you're not lying?
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You could keep it for yourselves.
106
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Prove you're not ripping me off.
107
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Where does the money go?
108
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What are their names?
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You don't know! Help the Elderly?
110
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Agh! Violence -
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I want my money back. So do I.
112
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You can't have it back. I can.
113
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Oh, God, they're going to fight.
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"In a shock move, the local
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"has suspended its fund-raising
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You pillock!
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I didn't mean my parents! I made
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Well done. You gave Help the Elderly
119
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I raise money for charity - for
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Cos like I said to Gandalf
121
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The point is, you have got to learn
122
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Right. What you need is practice.
123
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We'll tell you something and you
124
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This should be fun.
125
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No, you're lying.
126
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You're lying again. We HAVE started.
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Life's too short. Just ask one of
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Tyler, tell me about your parents.
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Me mother was half-English,
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Me dad was half-human, half-walrus
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He COULD be telling the truth.
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I am telling the truth, master.
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Right. Janet, do you love me?
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No, George. I don't love you.
135
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OK. Do you think I'm LYING
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You always told me you loved me.
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I thought you DID love me.
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Better? Mm. You were so convincing.
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Daddy,
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I got an idea. I know how you can
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You call the Ultron Council
142
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Yes! The ancient power of Maskara.
143
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What about the force of Lipgloss?
144
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Janet, this is a serious power.
145
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There is nothing silly
146
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It governs our planet.
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Using Maskara could be dangerous.
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Will you just shut up?! Sorry.
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Sorry.
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It enables you to read minds.
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Brilliant, master. Do it. You want
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Oh, yes. Cos then he can tell me,
153
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Daddy, can I do it too?
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Of course you can, Ollie.
155
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They put a child lock on his powers,
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Spoilsports.
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No, I'm not letting you. Why not?
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I've got sick thoughts in my head
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Can I have a different mummy?
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It's OK. We all have sick thoughts.
161
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It's dangerous, George.
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What if I was thinking Tyler was
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You think Tyler's attractive? No, of
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You don't think I'm attractive?
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Oh-h!
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I've had it valued, Ollie.
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There are people in this world who
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Are they on medication? No, they're
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This has been in my family for 200
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So, you won't sell it? No, I won't.
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Are YOU on medication?
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I'm glad you're happy with Daddy.
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I'm pleased he listened. He knew
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How do you know I'm happy with him?
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I don't think any less of you.
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George, are you reading my mind?
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You don't need to say anything.
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You don't need to say it
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I know what you're thinking. You're
180
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No, that's what I'M thinking.
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I got my signals mixed.
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What I'm thinking is this.
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Ollie's got a child lock.
184
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Think more rude words, Mummy! That's
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It's brilliant. It can't go wrong.
186
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That's not what he's thinking.
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Now Daddy's thinking rude words!
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Right, you're losing this power.
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ZAP!
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I'll keep the power for myself.
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Let me show you the advantages.
192
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Like tonight, you only have to think
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I'm thinking you'll be sleeping
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Hi, Mummy's home. Hi, Janet.
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I thought we'd get
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I thought Tyler could join us.
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Ta-da! That's why I got extra.
198
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No, a nan! A nan bread.
199
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Oh, sorry. I'll take her home again.
200
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Bye, Nan.
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She won't remember. You erased her
202
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I hear the mind-reading is going
203
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WIND HOWLS
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Right. Fascinating.
205
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I had a good day at work. I know.
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Janet found a heart defect and saved
207
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I can skip all the boring bits. I'll
208
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It's never as interesting as mine.
209
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Today I stopped a paranoid
210
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I said, "You're thinking everyone's
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You, a complete stranger, told him
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And you think that'll make him less
213
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I think Psalm 40 is my favourite.
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"I waited patiently for the Lord
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Yes. Beautiful.
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You know, I think I love them all...
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You are SO sweet!
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Charlotte, you know we were
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Well, just picking a subject
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I was wondering what your view was
221
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Well, I'm opposed to it, obviously.
222
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Oh, me too. Absolutely.
223
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Although, having said that, I was
224
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Oh, I love St Paul. His letters
225
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Aren't they just? Mm.
226
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I came across a little-known letter
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in which he said that pre-marital
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Really?
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"And, lo, having reconsidered...
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"I say there now abideth
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"And the greatest of these
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Well, that's extraordinary. It is.
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We have GOT to stop this.
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You have no right to stand in the
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Can I just say I hope
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He's such a kind man,
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I've got a set of triplets
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and he gives me £100, you know,
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Piers, that is wonderful!
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Oh, look, it's Monday today.
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You'd better get your wallet out,
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Actually, it'll be £200,
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What a surprise!
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I'd better be going. You couldn't
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I can't, I'm afraid. Bye.
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"No right to stand in the way
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I'll get you, you witch!
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Yes? I lost my husband
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YOU'RE depressed?! I've lost £200.
250
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Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad. You two OK?
251
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So, no, we are not OK. Right.
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Me too. I can't stop shaking
253
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Right. It affects my golf swing.
254
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Nobody cares about that!
255
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Well, I don't!
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You can go through now.
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George, what are you doing?
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Thought I'd read some minds to help
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You read Mrs Raven's mind, it'll
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Could you think nice thoughts for a
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Nice thoughts, about nice things,
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Dying? No, not dying.
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In the path of a juggernaut? No.
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Think something else,
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But I won't be able
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'What shall I do on Sunday?
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'Oh, I know. I'll take Mum out.
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'Take her on a nice drive
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'and leave her there.
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'That'll teach her
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'Oh, look. There's that Mrs Tott -
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'Oh-h!
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'A five iron's best, I reckon.
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'Or maybe a four.
275
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,959
'No, definitely a five.
276
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,959
'Hit her over the head with a five
277
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:36,959
Cheer up. The entire human race
278
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,959
My dad isn't sick. He thinks about
279
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:44,959
I saw it. They choose wallpaper,
280
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,959
They buy dog food, he's wishing
281
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:54,159
Having horrible thoughts doesn't
282
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:58,959
How often do men think about sex?
283
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:02,959
It's once every two seconds.
284
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,959
Dr Crispin was thinking about it
285
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:11,479
I'm sure you don't think about
286
00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,959
Sorry, what was that?
287
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,959
Oh, God! And I've read the minds
288
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,159
Everyone lies and everyone cheats,
289
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:28,959
Good. Suffice to say, this
290
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:33,959
I'd better take it to the Ultron
291
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,959
Sorry. I know I'm meant to take
292
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:43,959
We fail some Ultron end-of-year
293
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,959
There is one thing they could do.
294
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,959
What? What could they do?
295
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:54,999
I've been to Ultron, presented
296
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,319
That was quick.
297
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:02,959
No. What did they say? There's
298
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:08,959
The bad news is they're disgusted
299
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,959
And the good news?
300
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:15,999
They thought my report was the best
301
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,959
They gave me a commendation! Oh!
302
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,959
Big deal! "Blow up the Earth"?!
303
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:27,959
I have to say, I thought they were
304
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:32,959
Of course I'll shout!
305
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:39,959
Who do you think sent
306
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:44,959
The official term is "permanently
307
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:50,959
I thought it was your duty
308
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:56,639
But Man has fallen below standard.
309
00:20:56,640 --> 00:21:01,959
You always HAVE been, Janet -
310
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:06,959
Look, it's not the end of the world.
311
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,959
They won't get rid of everything.
312
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,959
Not the Italians - they're
313
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,959
They'll save the dolphins.
314
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:23,959
Nice animals! And they'll save
315
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,959
43- I've got a list here.
316
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:31,959
Geri Halliwell? They're saving
317
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,999
Jennifer Lopez? She must
318
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:41,479
Don't question the Ultron Council.
319
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,959
You're telling me!
320
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,959
Am I on it, master?
321
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:53,959
Oh, no - Liv Tyler. They must have
322
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,959
Don't worry - I have
323
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,959
Arnie, you're on the list
324
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:08,959
What about Mrs Raven - the love
325
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,959
'Fraid not. Fair enough.
326
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,959
They're launching the ray at 7pm
327
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:22,959
No, you got us into this mess with
328
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:27,959
Janet, don't tell me what to do.
329
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,479
Just DO IT!
330
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,959
Right, I'll do it straightaway.
331
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:41,959
Well? OK, they've decided to give
332
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,959
It's down to you -
333
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,639
Prove that mankind is worth saving.
334
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:55,959
They won't destroy the Earth if you
335
00:22:55,960 --> 00:23:00,959
...from the worst four in my report -
336
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,959
I'll start packing.
337
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:09,639
Mrs Raven, I need to collect £1,000
338
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:13,319
OK, I can blackmail people.
339
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:19,959
Yeah, I'll give it to you as soon
340
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,959
You'd be doing it
341
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,959
Definitely not!
342
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:30,959
...Piers, help me. I need to raise
343
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:35,959
Oh, I'm not surprised - some people
344
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:40,999
Here's 20p. Oh, no... I also have
345
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:46,319
She's finally said yes. So tonight,
346
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:52,479
Don't want to bring it forward to
347
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:56,799
and then - my, oh, my -
348
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,959
It's going to move for everyone.
349
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,959
You wanted to see us?
350
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,639
I'm sick of charities.
351
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,959
You get investigated for fraud!
352
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:13,999
Right. I know this may sound weird
353
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:20,159
If you four can do this one good
354
00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:24,959
I can't tell you why, but the
355
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,999
That's a good scam -
356
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,959
What d'you mean, "entire planet"?
357
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,959
What? Drug dealers? Vandals?
358
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,959
I'm not saving drug dealers!
359
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,999
What kind of charity does that?!
360
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,959
OK, forget the world! Do it for me.
361
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:48,959
Just give £250 each, for me -
362
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,959
You're more of an employee than
363
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:58,159
How do I know you won't give it
364
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,959
Ah, Charlotte, angelic one!
365
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:06,959
I did a piece live on air today
366
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,959
Ah. The switchboard was jammed
367
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,959
I've phoned Christian Aid
368
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,959
Right.
369
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,159
So... still on for this evening?
370
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:27,639
Police in California are
371
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:33,799
In Europe, experts are puzzled
372
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:41,959
Oh, they like her as well. I've
373
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:44,959
SQUEAKING
374
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:49,959
The last of the dolphins -
375
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:54,639
I'm not coming, George.
376
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:58,799
You're my husband, Ollie's my son
377
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,959
I can't live on Ultron with beings
378
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,639
Man might cheat and lie
379
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,959
I ain't going neither.
380
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:14,959
Nah, course not - you think I'm
381
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:20,959
Please, Janet. I can't. I could
382
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,959
Just go, George. Please.
383
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,319
Just go.
384
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,959
Weren't you going to Jupiter?
385
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:42,959
I was. I can't get a flight till
386
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,959
...One minute to go, mistress.
387
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:50,959
It's all right. They won't do it.
388
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,959
That's why I've stayed -
389
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,959
Brilliant! I know.
390
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,959
You see - what did I tell you?!
391
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:05,959
...I forgot my helmet. Bye.
392
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,959
Right. Right.
393
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:11,959
Four...
394
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,959
three...
395
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,959
two...
396
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:16,959
one...
397
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:18,959
zero.
398
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,319
You see? He HAS saved us! We're OK!
399
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,959
Oh, no, my watch is fast!
400
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,959
four... Shut up, Tyler!
401
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:36,959
Panic's over, Janet! George!
402
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:42,959
I gave Ultron the £1,000 from your
403
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,639
What a relief!
404
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:51,999
Brilliant! Everyone's coming home?
405
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,959
Hang on - they didn't give us
406
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,959
George Sunday, have you just lied
407
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,959
Oh, George!
408
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,999
So where'd you get the money from?
409
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:16,639
George, please tell me you haven't
410
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:19,959
No, I did not! How dare you?
411
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,959
I'm getting good at this lying!
27668
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