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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:31,063 --> 00:00:32,360 Ha! 2 00:01:29,254 --> 00:01:30,585 What is this? 3 00:01:37,763 --> 00:01:39,321 Uh! 4 00:01:40,466 --> 00:01:42,764 Good hands, Nedderman. Take a lap. 5 00:01:45,971 --> 00:01:49,168 By itself, a basketball is just a round sack of air. 6 00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:51,275 Like many of you. 7 00:01:51,310 --> 00:01:53,574 But in the hands of someone properly trained... 8 00:01:53,612 --> 00:01:55,136 in its use and skilled in its art... 9 00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:57,774 this ball can do great things. 10 00:01:58,283 --> 00:02:00,114 Oates, I can hear you wheezing from here. 11 00:02:00,152 --> 00:02:02,347 Take a lap. Lose the asthma. 12 00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:05,714 To survive outside these walls... 13 00:02:05,757 --> 00:02:08,055 you need more than just math and science. 14 00:02:08,093 --> 00:02:09,390 The world does not stop... 15 00:02:09,428 --> 00:02:10,918 for people who can spell fancy words... 16 00:02:10,963 --> 00:02:12,624 or tell you the capital of Montana. 17 00:02:12,664 --> 00:02:14,632 The capital of Montana, Watson? 18 00:02:14,666 --> 00:02:16,725 - Helena? - Who cares? Take a lap. 19 00:02:18,570 --> 00:02:21,903 The only thing that matters in this world, ladies, is strength. 20 00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:24,465 Strength of body and strength of mind. 21 00:02:24,510 --> 00:02:25,772 Now if you're not strong enough... 22 00:02:25,811 --> 00:02:27,335 by the time you leave these doors... 23 00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:29,870 you may as well give up and go home to your mommas. 24 00:02:30,983 --> 00:02:33,451 Or grandma. Put your hand down, Lewis. 25 00:02:33,485 --> 00:02:37,148 We all know your parents died. Give it a rest. 26 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,456 - Oh! - Pick up the pace, Nedderman. 27 00:02:46,465 --> 00:02:48,865 Well, Farley, it looks like you forgot your gym clothes again. 28 00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,425 No, sir, somebody... 29 00:02:50,469 --> 00:02:52,027 It's a rhetorical question, Farley. 30 00:02:52,070 --> 00:02:53,560 - What? - It's a rhetorical question. 31 00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:55,596 That means you don't have to answer it. 32 00:02:55,641 --> 00:02:57,404 Because either I already know the answer... 33 00:02:57,442 --> 00:02:59,740 or I don't care what your answer is. 34 00:02:59,778 --> 00:03:01,405 You see, in my class, Farley... 35 00:03:01,446 --> 00:03:04,904 everyone is required to wear regulation gym shorts and shirt. 36 00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:07,885 Gutierrez, go get the rentals. 37 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,081 Start changing. 38 00:03:10,122 --> 00:03:12,420 - No, in line. - What? 39 00:03:12,457 --> 00:03:14,220 See, the locker room is reserved... 40 00:03:14,259 --> 00:03:17,160 for people who brought the appropriate attire. 41 00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,426 - You change here. - It's OK, John. Be strong. 42 00:03:19,464 --> 00:03:21,989 No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps. 43 00:03:22,034 --> 00:03:24,195 Take Wheezy with you. 44 00:03:26,138 --> 00:03:27,503 Come on, let's go. 45 00:03:37,649 --> 00:03:39,844 The rentals, Farley, that's 25 cents. 46 00:03:39,885 --> 00:03:42,547 - But somebody stole my... - l... I didn't ask you a question, Farley. 47 00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:44,556 - Not even a rhetorical one. - Uh... 48 00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,286 It seems to me that someone needs a lesson... 49 00:03:47,326 --> 00:03:49,157 in personal responsibility. 50 00:03:50,762 --> 00:03:53,196 Not even one chin-up, Farley? 51 00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:54,460 Can't hang on! 52 00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:56,262 You are a disgrace to fat... 53 00:03:56,301 --> 00:03:59,793 gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over. 54 00:03:59,838 --> 00:04:02,864 I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium. 55 00:04:02,908 --> 00:04:05,775 - Are you gonna be a loser? - No, sir. 56 00:04:05,811 --> 00:04:09,406 Rhetorical, Farley. I already know the answer. 57 00:04:09,448 --> 00:04:11,245 Heads up, Nedderman. 58 00:04:12,150 --> 00:04:13,378 Uh! 59 00:04:16,054 --> 00:04:18,614 Don't you even think about letting go. 60 00:04:18,657 --> 00:04:20,386 Uh! 61 00:04:29,101 --> 00:04:30,693 - You guys ready to let go? - Yeah! 62 00:04:30,736 --> 00:04:31,703 All right! 63 00:04:31,737 --> 00:04:33,068 - Mr. Farley? - Oh, sure. How you doing? 64 00:04:33,105 --> 00:04:34,629 - All right, what's your name? - Scott. 65 00:04:34,673 --> 00:04:35,833 John, you don't have time for this. 66 00:04:35,874 --> 00:04:37,307 - Oh... - Bye-bye. 67 00:04:37,342 --> 00:04:38,400 I'm sorry, guys. 68 00:04:38,443 --> 00:04:39,432 - Keep letting go. - John! John! 69 00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:45,449 OK, now remember they're all potential stalkers. 70 00:04:45,484 --> 00:04:47,111 Most want an autograph and a handshake... 71 00:04:47,152 --> 00:04:49,313 but some of them want an autograph and a handshake... 72 00:04:49,354 --> 00:04:51,083 and then they want to take you home, tie you up... 73 00:04:51,123 --> 00:04:52,886 and saw your feet off. 74 00:04:52,924 --> 00:04:55,324 - Well, hi there. - John Farley. 75 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,191 Your book saved my life. 76 00:04:57,229 --> 00:04:59,493 I didn't do anything. You did it. 77 00:04:59,531 --> 00:05:01,761 All I did was give you the raft. 78 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,529 - You had to inflate it yourself. - Mm-hm. 79 00:05:03,568 --> 00:05:07,800 Mr. Farley, I used to feel ostracized because of my weight. 80 00:05:07,839 --> 00:05:11,104 But with your help I'm starting to get my self-confidence back. 81 00:05:11,143 --> 00:05:12,542 Ha! That's a great story. 82 00:05:12,577 --> 00:05:14,602 Why don't you check out the free coffee and donuts? 83 00:05:14,646 --> 00:05:16,170 Oh! 84 00:05:16,214 --> 00:05:21,550 By letting go, do you mean we should just forget everything? 85 00:05:21,586 --> 00:05:23,747 My mom said he wouldn't drink so much... 86 00:05:23,789 --> 00:05:26,690 if he could just forget about that summer in Uncle Lou's house. 87 00:05:26,725 --> 00:05:28,625 Well, we all have an Uncle Lou. 88 00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:30,958 And we all drink for different reasons. 89 00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:33,830 Long day. 90 00:05:33,865 --> 00:05:36,095 I don't even think I can hold a pen anymore. 91 00:05:36,134 --> 00:05:38,432 Let me give you the same advice I gave Nelson Mandela... 92 00:05:38,470 --> 00:05:40,370 on his last book tour. 93 00:05:40,405 --> 00:05:42,236 Quit whining, you pussy. 94 00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:44,742 - That's helpful. - You have no idea... 95 00:05:44,776 --> 00:05:46,471 the stuff that I am saving you from. 96 00:05:46,511 --> 00:05:49,275 Some shithole in Nebraska wanted to give you... 97 00:05:49,314 --> 00:05:52,943 their corn husk bucket or something. 98 00:05:52,984 --> 00:05:55,179 The Corn Cob Key? 99 00:05:55,220 --> 00:05:57,950 Uh, is that what it is? l... I don't know. "The Forest... 100 00:05:57,989 --> 00:05:59,980 "...Meadow Nebraska Chamber of Commerce... 101 00:06:00,025 --> 00:06:04,519 "wishes to award Mr. John Farley the Corn Cob Key to the City." 102 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,531 Oh, my God. This is my hometown. 103 00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:08,829 - This is awesome. What did you tell them? - I told them yes. 104 00:06:08,867 --> 00:06:10,266 - Really? - No. 105 00:06:10,302 --> 00:06:11,394 Why? Wait. 106 00:06:11,436 --> 00:06:14,496 Maggie, the Corn Cob Key is a huge honor. 107 00:06:14,539 --> 00:06:16,131 They hardly ever give it out anymore... 108 00:06:16,174 --> 00:06:18,267 but when they do it's the highlight of the whole cornival. 109 00:06:19,711 --> 00:06:21,338 I'm sorry. Did you just say cornival? 110 00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:24,144 Well, yeah. It's a farm town... 111 00:06:24,182 --> 00:06:27,618 so, you know, every year we have this big celebration. 112 00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:30,447 Corn carnival. Cornival. 113 00:06:30,489 --> 00:06:32,889 - Cornival. - Maggie, you don't understand. 114 00:06:32,924 --> 00:06:35,085 My mom was Corn Cob Queen in 1970. 115 00:06:35,127 --> 00:06:37,118 I mean, she still rides in the parade every year. 116 00:06:37,162 --> 00:06:39,596 - This will mean so much to her. - Cornival? 117 00:06:39,631 --> 00:06:41,360 You know what? Call them back. 118 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:43,630 I could fly in tomorrow and surprise her. It's perfect. 119 00:06:43,668 --> 00:06:47,399 You would need a court order to make me go see my mom. 120 00:06:47,439 --> 00:06:51,273 This is different. Since my dad died, I'm all she's got. 121 00:06:51,309 --> 00:06:53,209 Oh, your dad's dead? 122 00:06:53,245 --> 00:06:55,372 It's a major theme of my book. 123 00:06:55,414 --> 00:06:58,781 The whole last chapter's about how I let go of that pain. 124 00:07:01,052 --> 00:07:03,213 You haven't read my book, have you? 125 00:07:03,255 --> 00:07:06,088 Well, there's no point now. You just ruined the ending. 126 00:07:23,341 --> 00:07:24,865 Hi, John! 127 00:07:30,415 --> 00:07:32,975 Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha! 128 00:07:33,018 --> 00:07:35,612 Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow Town Council. 129 00:07:35,654 --> 00:07:39,146 We appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule... 130 00:07:39,191 --> 00:07:41,182 to... to... to come home and see the little people. 131 00:07:41,226 --> 00:07:43,091 Thank you. This is great. 132 00:07:43,128 --> 00:07:45,722 It's an honor to be considered worthy of the Corn Cob Key. 133 00:07:45,764 --> 00:07:47,322 Well, you've earned it, young... 134 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:51,630 Young man. We are mighty proud of you. 135 00:07:51,670 --> 00:07:54,230 So on behalf of... of... 136 00:07:54,272 --> 00:07:57,764 Well, of all of us, John... 137 00:07:57,809 --> 00:07:59,936 - Corn-gratulations! - Ha ha ha! 138 00:08:17,963 --> 00:08:21,490 ...Famous award-winning corn chowder... 139 00:08:32,911 --> 00:08:35,345 - Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here! - Hey! 140 00:08:35,380 --> 00:08:36,813 - How are you? - Oh! 141 00:08:36,848 --> 00:08:39,316 I heard your news and I tried to call you but now you're here! 142 00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:41,216 I was flying in. I wanted to surprise you. 143 00:08:41,253 --> 00:08:42,982 - Oh! I am so proud of you. - Thank you, Mom. 144 00:08:43,021 --> 00:08:44,613 How's it going? Is the book tour good? 145 00:08:44,656 --> 00:08:46,351 - Yeah, it's good. - Are you having fun? 146 00:08:46,391 --> 00:08:47,722 Yeah, I'm happy. You look great. 147 00:08:47,759 --> 00:08:49,386 - Thanks. - Yeah. You going somewhere? 148 00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:51,224 Yeah. I have a date. 149 00:08:51,263 --> 00:08:52,696 - Really? - Yeah. 150 00:08:52,731 --> 00:08:54,323 - A... Are you seeing someone? - Yeah. 151 00:08:54,366 --> 00:08:56,800 Oh, my God. That's fantastic. For how long? 152 00:08:56,835 --> 00:08:59,099 - 5 months. - What? Why didn't you mention it? 153 00:08:59,137 --> 00:09:01,002 Oh, because you don't like to hear when I have a date. 154 00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:03,439 - Oh, well, so what's he like? - Oh, he's great. 155 00:09:03,475 --> 00:09:07,309 He's so handsome and he's... he's sweet and consid... 156 00:09:07,345 --> 00:09:10,075 - He's a gentleman. - Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you. 157 00:09:10,115 --> 00:09:11,548 - Thanks. - I can't wait to meet him. 158 00:09:11,583 --> 00:09:13,847 - You know, you know him already. - I do? 159 00:09:13,885 --> 00:09:14,874 Yeah. 160 00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,466 Mr. Woodcock? 161 00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:38,638 Farley, I brought you some daisies. 162 00:09:39,511 --> 00:09:42,036 - Jasper! - Sorry, I'm late, honey. 163 00:09:43,014 --> 00:09:44,914 That's OK. 164 00:09:44,950 --> 00:09:47,248 Uh, this is Johnny. 165 00:09:47,285 --> 00:09:50,083 My son. Do you remember him now? 166 00:09:50,121 --> 00:09:51,748 No. 167 00:09:52,524 --> 00:09:54,549 - But I've heard a lot. - Hm. 168 00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,027 It's not every day you get to shake hands with a celebrity. 169 00:09:57,062 --> 00:09:58,256 Ha ha ha! 170 00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:01,793 - Uh, you ready for dinner? - Mm-hm. 171 00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:03,164 I don't know about you... 172 00:10:03,201 --> 00:10:05,260 but I've been thinking about meat all day long. 173 00:10:09,307 --> 00:10:11,798 I can't believe you don't remember him. 174 00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:13,276 He was the cutest kid. 175 00:10:13,311 --> 00:10:15,336 About this high with his chubby little cheeks. 176 00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:18,508 - Mom. - I had a lot of fat kids over the years. 177 00:10:18,550 --> 00:10:20,609 Oh, he wasn't fat! 178 00:10:20,652 --> 00:10:22,620 Wait a minute. 179 00:10:22,654 --> 00:10:24,645 It's coming back to me. 180 00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,884 You're not that kid that got the squirts... 181 00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:28,324 on the balance beam that time, were you? 182 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,658 - Jasper. - No. 183 00:10:32,197 --> 00:10:34,563 Actually I remember you pretty well. 184 00:10:34,599 --> 00:10:36,760 You kinda gave me a lot of personal attention back then. 185 00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:39,861 - Aw. - Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids. 186 00:10:39,904 --> 00:10:41,735 Serves them well later in life. 187 00:10:41,773 --> 00:10:45,209 Oh, that's so true, that's so true. And that is why... 188 00:10:45,243 --> 00:10:49,270 they're making Jasper the Educator of the Year. 189 00:10:49,314 --> 00:10:51,805 - You're kidding! - Why would she be kidding? 190 00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:55,251 Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! You know what I just realized? 191 00:10:55,286 --> 00:10:59,780 Both of my fellas are being honored in the same week. 192 00:10:59,824 --> 00:11:04,386 They're giving Johnny the Corn Cob Key. 193 00:11:05,430 --> 00:11:06,897 You're kidding. 194 00:11:06,931 --> 00:11:10,765 So I'm doing laps at the Y and he's in the next lane... 195 00:11:10,802 --> 00:11:14,670 and all of a sudden my leg seizes up and I go under. 196 00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:18,301 It was a bad cramp. And if I remember correctly... 197 00:11:18,343 --> 00:11:20,334 I think it was about... 198 00:11:20,378 --> 00:11:22,676 - Right here. - Ha ha ha. 199 00:11:24,716 --> 00:11:27,014 Ahem. So he saved your life, then? 200 00:11:27,052 --> 00:11:29,247 Well, it was the shallow end. 201 00:11:29,287 --> 00:11:31,187 You can drown in six inches of water. 202 00:11:31,222 --> 00:11:32,712 - That is so true. - Hm. 203 00:11:32,757 --> 00:11:35,282 Well, if you will excuse me... 204 00:11:35,326 --> 00:11:37,988 I am going to, uh, the ladies room. 205 00:11:38,029 --> 00:11:40,224 You boys behave yourself. 206 00:11:44,069 --> 00:11:46,094 So what's your book about? 207 00:11:46,871 --> 00:11:49,533 Oh. Um... 208 00:11:49,574 --> 00:11:52,134 well, it teaches people how to release painful memories... 209 00:11:52,177 --> 00:11:54,372 so they can rebuild their self-esteem. 210 00:11:54,412 --> 00:11:56,277 It's called Letting Go. How To Get Past Your Past. 211 00:11:56,314 --> 00:11:58,646 I'm already past my past. 212 00:11:58,683 --> 00:12:01,277 That's why it's called my past. 213 00:12:01,319 --> 00:12:03,446 Well, some people find my book helpful. 214 00:12:03,488 --> 00:12:05,854 Lot of losers out there, I guess. 215 00:12:07,959 --> 00:12:12,828 Well, would you like an espresso, er, cappuccino...? 216 00:12:12,864 --> 00:12:14,889 - Um, a cup... - Just the check. 217 00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:17,299 Oh, OK. 218 00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:19,936 Thanks, guys. 219 00:12:19,971 --> 00:12:21,700 Um, my treat. 220 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,605 You're the guest. I'll take care of it. 221 00:12:23,641 --> 00:12:25,632 No, really, it's fine. 222 00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:27,338 I can afford it. 223 00:12:27,378 --> 00:12:29,107 So you're saying I can't? 224 00:12:30,515 --> 00:12:32,005 No, of course not. 225 00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:36,214 Well, then, why don't you take your own advice and, uh, let go? 226 00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:41,719 Thank you, Jasper. That is so sweet. 227 00:12:43,061 --> 00:12:45,393 Johnny, don't you have something to say? 228 00:12:47,899 --> 00:12:49,093 Thank you. 229 00:12:50,135 --> 00:12:51,932 Don't mention it. 230 00:12:53,605 --> 00:12:55,971 - Ha ha ha. - I swear to God it's true. 231 00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:59,465 No, no, no. No. No. Thank you, honey. 232 00:12:59,511 --> 00:13:03,208 No, I don't believe you. You did not beat Santa Claus up. 233 00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:05,773 - Stop it. - I was 7 years old at the time. 234 00:13:05,817 --> 00:13:08,081 And some kids at school told me that there's no Santa Claus. 235 00:13:08,119 --> 00:13:09,108 Uh-huh? 236 00:13:09,154 --> 00:13:10,883 Well, on Christmas Eve when I come downstairs... 237 00:13:10,922 --> 00:13:12,822 and see some guy messing around under the Christmas tree... 238 00:13:12,857 --> 00:13:14,119 I go to my dad's closet... 239 00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:15,148 - and get a three wood... - Oh, no! 240 00:13:15,193 --> 00:13:16,956 And next thing you know, Uncle Bob's in the hospital. 241 00:13:16,995 --> 00:13:19,225 No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob. 242 00:13:19,264 --> 00:13:21,061 Ate the entire Christmas dinner through a straw that year. 243 00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:22,088 - No! - Yeah. 244 00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,602 What a great story. 245 00:13:24,636 --> 00:13:26,661 Well, I guess we'd better call it a night. 246 00:13:26,704 --> 00:13:29,104 It's good to see you, Mr. Woodcock. 247 00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:32,541 Well, I guess I could let you have her for one night, Farley. 248 00:13:32,577 --> 00:13:34,044 Probably good for the old hip flexor... 249 00:13:34,078 --> 00:13:35,238 to take a night off anyway, huh? 250 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,942 - Jasper! - Ha ha ha! Yeah. 251 00:13:37,982 --> 00:13:42,043 That was a fun night. Come on, you guys! 252 00:13:42,086 --> 00:13:45,715 You guys! Ooooohhhhhh! Mmmm! 253 00:13:50,195 --> 00:13:52,288 - I'll call you tomorrow, honey. - OK. 254 00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:53,729 - Farley. - Yep. 255 00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,392 Mr. Woodcock. 256 00:14:00,839 --> 00:14:04,036 And he is just so easy to be with. 257 00:14:04,075 --> 00:14:08,671 Last month... we went camping. 258 00:14:08,713 --> 00:14:10,738 - You hate camping. - I know! 259 00:14:10,782 --> 00:14:13,114 I mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days... 260 00:14:13,151 --> 00:14:14,641 and it was heaven. 261 00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:17,154 Ha ha ha. It was great. 262 00:14:17,188 --> 00:14:18,587 Wow. 263 00:14:20,725 --> 00:14:22,454 Johnny, um... 264 00:14:23,628 --> 00:14:26,119 this is really the first guy since your father... 265 00:14:26,164 --> 00:14:29,531 that... has felt right. 266 00:14:31,336 --> 00:14:33,031 I'll get you some milk. 267 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,570 Oh! Look what I've got. 268 00:14:40,812 --> 00:14:42,677 Chocolate, please. 269 00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:47,445 I had a lot of fat kids over the years. 270 00:14:47,485 --> 00:14:49,715 - This is Johnny. - A lot of fat kids. 271 00:14:49,754 --> 00:14:50,880 Remember him now? 272 00:14:50,922 --> 00:14:52,947 No. A lot of losers out there, I guess. 273 00:14:52,991 --> 00:14:54,891 Arrgh! 274 00:14:58,863 --> 00:15:00,455 Probably good for the old hip flexor... 275 00:15:00,498 --> 00:15:02,762 to take a night off anyway, huh? Ha ha ha! 276 00:15:26,424 --> 00:15:28,358 When did you get here? 277 00:15:30,161 --> 00:15:32,629 About 10 minutes after you said good night to me. 278 00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:38,567 Not even one chin-up, Farley? 279 00:15:38,603 --> 00:15:40,867 You are a disgrace to fat... 280 00:15:40,905 --> 00:15:44,272 gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over. 281 00:15:47,946 --> 00:15:50,005 - Can I get a glass of water, please? - Sure. 282 00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:57,681 Son of a bitch! 283 00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:03,954 - I'm sorry. - John Farley? 284 00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:08,094 - Nedderman? - I can't believe it's really you! 285 00:16:08,132 --> 00:16:10,293 I've read your book like 900 times... 286 00:16:10,335 --> 00:16:11,461 and I'm not just saying this... 287 00:16:11,502 --> 00:16:13,493 it's totally changed my life! 288 00:16:13,538 --> 00:16:15,199 Really? That's great, man. 289 00:16:15,239 --> 00:16:17,707 Hell, yeah. I work here full-time... 290 00:16:17,742 --> 00:16:20,370 and also I'm starting my own pool cleaning business. 291 00:16:20,411 --> 00:16:23,744 All I've got so far is a van but... but at least it's a start, right? 292 00:16:23,781 --> 00:16:25,612 Well, every journey has to start somewhere. 293 00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:28,710 Chapter 2. You're totally right. 294 00:16:28,753 --> 00:16:30,721 Totally right. 295 00:16:35,693 --> 00:16:37,923 Can you believe it? The Woodcock pan pizza? 296 00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:40,021 What's next, the Hitler calzone? 297 00:16:40,064 --> 00:16:41,827 Yeah, well, you're never gonna believe this. 298 00:16:41,866 --> 00:16:44,164 Mr. Deepdish is dating my mom. 299 00:16:44,202 --> 00:16:47,069 Woodcock? He's doing your mom? 300 00:16:47,105 --> 00:16:49,073 - Wait. I wouldn't say doing... - Hear that, Mitch? 301 00:16:49,107 --> 00:16:50,802 Woodcock's slamming his mom! 302 00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:52,241 - You don't have to announce it. - Hey, guys! 303 00:16:52,276 --> 00:16:55,245 Check it out. Woodcock's stuffing this dude's mom. 304 00:16:56,114 --> 00:16:57,638 Woodcock's pounding your mom? 305 00:16:57,682 --> 00:16:59,775 Hey, hey, guys, come on. Show a little respect. 306 00:16:59,817 --> 00:17:02,445 How would you feel if Woodcock was porking your mom? 307 00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:05,456 Woodcock's porking your mom! 308 00:17:05,490 --> 00:17:07,390 - Woodcock's porking your mom! - Hey, shut your trap... 309 00:17:07,425 --> 00:17:09,154 or you're not getting that cheesy bread! 310 00:17:09,193 --> 00:17:11,457 I want my cheesy bread! 311 00:17:11,496 --> 00:17:12,895 Then shut up! 312 00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:15,660 Keep your mouth shut and you get your cheesy bread, all right? 313 00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:21,038 I'm sorry about that. You want a slice on the house? 314 00:17:21,072 --> 00:17:22,903 Sausage and onion. Extra sauce, right? 315 00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:24,737 No, I don't really eat that stuff anymore. 316 00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:27,404 Yeah, yeah, l... l... I'd probably lose my appetite too... 317 00:17:27,445 --> 00:17:29,504 if Woodcock was giving it to my mom. 318 00:17:29,547 --> 00:17:31,913 The guy is pure evil. 319 00:17:31,949 --> 00:17:34,349 You know he killed Oates? 320 00:17:34,385 --> 00:17:35,784 - What? - Yeah. 321 00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,414 Remember, Woodcock used to make Oates do, like, 6 miles... 322 00:17:38,456 --> 00:17:40,253 every day after school? 323 00:17:40,291 --> 00:17:43,192 The guy had bad asthma, dude, you can't just run through that. 324 00:17:43,227 --> 00:17:45,923 Holy shit. Well, when did he die? 325 00:17:45,963 --> 00:17:49,023 A couple of years ago. But it was all Woodcock. 326 00:17:50,601 --> 00:17:51,966 Ah... 327 00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:54,767 Man, look, we can't blame Woodcock for Oates's choices. 328 00:17:54,806 --> 00:17:57,240 Oates coulda stopped running, right? 329 00:17:57,275 --> 00:17:58,742 When you make a blame sandwich... 330 00:17:58,776 --> 00:18:00,869 you gotta be prepared to eat it yourself. 331 00:18:00,912 --> 00:18:03,642 Chapter 10. You're totally right. 332 00:18:03,681 --> 00:18:06,912 So what are you gonna do? 333 00:18:06,951 --> 00:18:10,284 I think it's time Woodcock and I had a talk. 334 00:18:10,321 --> 00:18:12,687 The shortest distance between 2 people... 335 00:18:12,723 --> 00:18:14,691 Communication. 336 00:18:14,725 --> 00:18:17,819 God, you must get so laid. 337 00:18:21,899 --> 00:18:24,231 Farley, pass the ball. 338 00:18:24,268 --> 00:18:26,099 Not even one pull-up, Farley? 339 00:18:26,137 --> 00:18:27,866 Are you gonna be a loser, Farley? 340 00:18:27,905 --> 00:18:30,100 I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium. 341 00:18:30,141 --> 00:18:33,304 Now, before we begin our exploration of wiffleball... 342 00:18:33,344 --> 00:18:36,108 I think a little equipment check is in order. 343 00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:38,844 Well, Dunningham? 344 00:18:39,884 --> 00:18:41,943 Spread 'em, Dunningham. 345 00:18:47,558 --> 00:18:49,685 That's OK. I don't need to see the cup, Dunningham. 346 00:18:49,727 --> 00:18:50,887 Keep it in your pants. 347 00:18:54,632 --> 00:18:58,329 You see, ladies, it's important that you come prepared to class. 348 00:18:58,369 --> 00:19:00,132 Because when we're prepared... 349 00:19:00,171 --> 00:19:03,368 then we're ready to face life's challenges. 350 00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:08,140 Well, Farley, let's see whether or not you came prepared today. 351 00:19:08,813 --> 00:19:10,804 Spread 'em. 352 00:19:15,286 --> 00:19:18,221 Excuse me. Do you have a visitors' pass? 353 00:19:19,624 --> 00:19:21,023 Tracy Dettweiler? 354 00:19:23,027 --> 00:19:25,518 - John Farley? - Wh... You remember me? 355 00:19:25,563 --> 00:19:27,588 Well, yeah, you're famous! 356 00:19:28,566 --> 00:19:30,363 What are you doing here? 357 00:19:30,401 --> 00:19:33,234 Oh, gee... what are you doing here? 358 00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:35,466 Oh, l... I teach English. 359 00:19:35,506 --> 00:19:36,996 - Wow. - Ha ha ha! 360 00:19:37,041 --> 00:19:38,941 I really wish I had you as an English teacher. 361 00:19:38,976 --> 00:19:40,807 I would have paid way more attention in class. 362 00:19:40,845 --> 00:19:43,973 Ha ha ha! Wait a minute. What year were you in again? 363 00:19:44,015 --> 00:19:46,347 Uh, same as you, actually. 364 00:19:46,384 --> 00:19:48,113 - Really? - Yeah. I was... 365 00:19:48,152 --> 00:19:50,347 I was actually your 7th grade lab partner. 366 00:19:51,689 --> 00:19:53,714 Wait. Fat John? 367 00:19:53,758 --> 00:19:56,226 - No way! Fat John! - Yeah. 368 00:19:56,260 --> 00:19:58,728 Yep, I was fat. 369 00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:00,128 Ha ha ha! 370 00:20:00,164 --> 00:20:02,359 Wow, you've changed a lot. 371 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,925 Yeah. Thank you. 372 00:20:04,969 --> 00:20:07,199 You're welcome. A... And they're giving you the Corn Cob Key. 373 00:20:07,238 --> 00:20:09,502 - I mean, that's amazing. - Nah, it's nothing. 374 00:20:09,540 --> 00:20:12,600 Don't be modest. l... l... I love your book. 375 00:20:12,643 --> 00:20:15,407 I mean, you totally deserve the award. 376 00:20:15,446 --> 00:20:17,243 - Wh... Really? - Yeah. 377 00:20:17,281 --> 00:20:19,272 - Wow, thank you. - Mm. 378 00:20:19,317 --> 00:20:23,014 Say, listen, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to, uh... um... 379 00:20:23,054 --> 00:20:25,022 uh, a drink or go out for dinner or something? 380 00:20:25,056 --> 00:20:27,854 I'd... love to but l... I can't. 381 00:20:27,892 --> 00:20:29,792 I've got cheerleading practice. 382 00:20:29,827 --> 00:20:31,852 - That's awesome. - No! 383 00:20:31,896 --> 00:20:33,295 I'm the coach now. 384 00:20:33,331 --> 00:20:34,923 - Oh, oh. - Yeah. 385 00:20:34,966 --> 00:20:37,400 Um, h... here's my number. 386 00:20:40,271 --> 00:20:41,898 Call me. 387 00:20:41,939 --> 00:20:44,237 - I will. - OK. Bye. 388 00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:45,902 Bye. 389 00:20:49,313 --> 00:20:51,747 God, I'm so glad I wrote that book! 390 00:20:58,256 --> 00:20:59,587 According to my syllabus... 391 00:20:59,624 --> 00:21:01,717 we should be well into wrestling by now. 392 00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:03,818 But because of your lack of focus... 393 00:21:03,861 --> 00:21:07,797 we've yet to get past the fundamentals of kickball. 394 00:21:07,832 --> 00:21:09,766 Kreamer, first rule of Bunting. 395 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,825 Um, do... don't... 396 00:21:11,869 --> 00:21:14,133 There is no Bunting in kickball, Kreamer. 397 00:21:14,171 --> 00:21:16,639 Set of ten. 398 00:21:16,674 --> 00:21:19,973 Henderson, is there a reason why your shoe is untied? 399 00:21:20,011 --> 00:21:22,275 - Um... - You see on the kickball field... 400 00:21:22,313 --> 00:21:24,281 a screw-up like that can put you in a wheelchair. 401 00:21:24,315 --> 00:21:25,873 You'll end up writing your name... 402 00:21:25,916 --> 00:21:27,281 with a pencil taped to your head... 403 00:21:27,318 --> 00:21:29,286 the rest of your life. Set of ten. 404 00:21:31,422 --> 00:21:34,357 Until you learn the basics of any sport... 405 00:21:34,392 --> 00:21:36,292 you cannot participate in it... 406 00:21:36,327 --> 00:21:38,522 let alone excel in it. 407 00:21:38,562 --> 00:21:40,655 What are you doing in my class? 408 00:21:40,698 --> 00:21:42,256 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. 409 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,200 Well, you did. Set of ten. 410 00:21:44,235 --> 00:21:46,669 - What? - It was a joke. 411 00:21:46,704 --> 00:21:49,332 - What do you want? - Maybe I should just come back. 412 00:21:53,678 --> 00:21:55,236 Maybe you should spit it out now... 413 00:21:55,279 --> 00:21:56,803 so I don't have to explain to their parents... 414 00:21:56,847 --> 00:21:59,077 why they didn't graduate on time. 415 00:21:59,116 --> 00:22:01,016 Well, I've just been feeling... 416 00:22:01,052 --> 00:22:03,680 like there's been some tension between us. 417 00:22:03,721 --> 00:22:06,189 Like at dinner, with the check, and uh... 418 00:22:06,223 --> 00:22:07,986 I guess I just wanted to say... 419 00:22:08,025 --> 00:22:10,994 that some of that might have been my fault. 420 00:22:12,763 --> 00:22:14,663 I'm sorry, he seems to be in pain. 421 00:22:14,699 --> 00:22:15,893 - Who? - Him! 422 00:22:15,933 --> 00:22:19,164 He's fine. Kreamer, off your knees. 423 00:22:19,203 --> 00:22:20,329 Well, he doesn't look fine. 424 00:22:20,371 --> 00:22:21,861 Listen, I have a class to teach... 425 00:22:21,906 --> 00:22:24,466 so why don't you get to your point, if you've got one? 426 00:22:24,508 --> 00:22:28,569 I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry. 427 00:22:32,550 --> 00:22:37,613 And I'm sure for your part you're a little sorry too. 428 00:22:37,655 --> 00:22:40,556 - I don't do sorry. - What? 429 00:22:40,591 --> 00:22:43,583 Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups and I'm neither one. 430 00:22:43,627 --> 00:22:45,458 Get up, Henderson. 431 00:22:45,496 --> 00:22:47,589 Not you, Kreamer. 432 00:22:47,631 --> 00:22:49,724 Now, if you don't mind... 433 00:22:49,767 --> 00:22:52,065 these children are in need of an education. 434 00:22:53,537 --> 00:22:55,300 Schwartz, you better fight your way... 435 00:22:55,339 --> 00:22:56,806 past that stutter of yours... 436 00:22:56,841 --> 00:22:59,571 and tell me about the pop fly rule as it pertains to kickball. 437 00:23:01,545 --> 00:23:03,775 W... Well, it... it... 438 00:23:03,814 --> 00:23:05,076 It... 439 00:23:06,450 --> 00:23:09,044 - When... - S... s... s... s... s... s... s... set of ten. 440 00:23:09,086 --> 00:23:13,750 Fine. My mom wants to date that asshole, she can go right ahead. 441 00:23:13,791 --> 00:23:17,022 Chapter 12. Never interfere in other people's lives. 442 00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:20,224 I don't think Mr. Woodcock's right for you. 443 00:23:20,264 --> 00:23:22,562 - Really? - Yeah. 444 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,659 He's, um... 445 00:23:26,270 --> 00:23:29,171 well, the truth is, he's not a very nice person, Mom. 446 00:23:29,206 --> 00:23:30,798 - He isn't? - Do you remember when I used to... 447 00:23:30,841 --> 00:23:32,866 come home crying every day after school? 448 00:23:32,910 --> 00:23:34,400 You were so sensitive. 449 00:23:34,445 --> 00:23:36,276 That's why you're so good at what you do. 450 00:23:36,313 --> 00:23:37,940 It's not about being sensitive, Mom. 451 00:23:37,982 --> 00:23:39,540 He made all of us miserable. 452 00:23:39,583 --> 00:23:42,381 Sweetheart, you just hated anything athletic. 453 00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:44,354 You can't blame Jasper for that. 454 00:23:44,388 --> 00:23:46,185 You don't know him like I do. 455 00:23:46,223 --> 00:23:48,783 And you don't know him like I do. 456 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,361 - He touched me. - What? 457 00:23:53,898 --> 00:23:55,923 OK, that's not true. 458 00:23:55,966 --> 00:23:57,900 But he's mean, and he's cruel. 459 00:23:57,935 --> 00:23:59,960 Mom, I'm telling you, he's still... 460 00:24:00,004 --> 00:24:01,733 He's still what? 461 00:24:01,772 --> 00:24:04,104 He's still teaching gym. 462 00:24:04,141 --> 00:24:06,974 - Oh! What'd you bring me? - Dinner. 463 00:24:07,011 --> 00:24:10,503 Sorry I'm late. Had a long day. Got a little behind. 464 00:24:10,548 --> 00:24:15,178 Wow. Jasper grills the best beef in Nebraska. 465 00:24:15,219 --> 00:24:17,653 Well, I am known for my meat. 466 00:24:17,688 --> 00:24:19,451 You only got 2 though, sweetie. 467 00:24:19,490 --> 00:24:23,119 I'm sorry. I guess it must have slipped my mind. 468 00:24:25,062 --> 00:24:27,587 John, you don't mind running to the store, do you? 469 00:24:27,631 --> 00:24:29,258 No. 470 00:24:30,234 --> 00:24:32,031 Take your time. 471 00:24:36,707 --> 00:24:39,175 "I'm known for my meat!" 472 00:24:39,210 --> 00:24:41,508 "I'm known for my meat." 473 00:24:41,545 --> 00:24:44,343 Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock. 474 00:24:44,381 --> 00:24:46,076 You're known for emotionally crippling... 475 00:24:46,116 --> 00:24:48,050 an entire generation of children. 476 00:24:51,555 --> 00:24:52,783 Dickhead! 477 00:25:05,102 --> 00:25:07,229 Mom. 478 00:25:07,271 --> 00:25:08,670 Sweetheart. 479 00:25:08,706 --> 00:25:10,537 What's wrong? 480 00:25:10,574 --> 00:25:13,543 Jasper and I are no longer dating. 481 00:25:14,078 --> 00:25:16,069 Oh. 482 00:25:16,113 --> 00:25:18,980 That's so sad. 483 00:25:19,016 --> 00:25:21,246 What happened? 484 00:25:22,786 --> 00:25:24,481 We're engaged. 485 00:25:25,122 --> 00:25:26,612 Oh. 486 00:25:31,195 --> 00:25:33,425 Have we heard a congratulations yet? 487 00:25:33,464 --> 00:25:36,900 Oh, I think he's in shock. 488 00:25:36,934 --> 00:25:38,834 That's so good. 489 00:25:38,869 --> 00:25:40,302 Oh, I'll get it. 490 00:25:40,337 --> 00:25:42,532 I wanna start spreading the news. 491 00:25:44,708 --> 00:25:46,699 Mm. 492 00:25:48,078 --> 00:25:49,238 Ha ha ha. 493 00:25:50,748 --> 00:25:52,375 Hello? 494 00:25:54,552 --> 00:25:57,248 Well, it looks like I'm gonna be your new dad. 495 00:25:59,523 --> 00:26:02,287 Come on, Johnny. Stay, help us celebrate. 496 00:26:02,326 --> 00:26:04,191 Sorry, Mom. Book tour emergency. 497 00:26:04,228 --> 00:26:05,889 I have to get to the airport. 498 00:26:05,930 --> 00:26:08,455 - You haven't eaten. - l... I'll grab something on the way. 499 00:26:08,499 --> 00:26:09,989 I love you, Mom. It's great to see you. 500 00:26:10,034 --> 00:26:11,524 I love you too. 501 00:26:11,569 --> 00:26:13,230 Farley. 502 00:26:17,107 --> 00:26:18,597 Be safe. 503 00:26:27,851 --> 00:26:30,376 Eenie, meanie, miney... 504 00:26:31,155 --> 00:26:32,520 Farley. 505 00:26:34,425 --> 00:26:37,861 There's no truer test of the human spirit... 506 00:26:37,895 --> 00:26:39,385 than wrestling. 507 00:26:43,734 --> 00:26:46,396 That's called a takedown. 508 00:26:46,437 --> 00:26:47,961 Get up, Farley. 509 00:26:48,005 --> 00:26:49,870 There are many kinds of takedowns. 510 00:26:49,907 --> 00:26:52,774 Today, we're going to cover some of my favorites. 511 00:26:52,810 --> 00:26:55,404 This is called the head and arm. 512 00:26:56,647 --> 00:26:58,615 This is called the single leg sweep. 513 00:26:58,649 --> 00:27:00,310 You step and you sweep! 514 00:27:01,819 --> 00:27:03,184 This is called the fireman's throw. 515 00:27:03,220 --> 00:27:06,451 Shoot the crotch, collapse the hip and sling shot. 516 00:27:09,093 --> 00:27:10,651 OK, Farley, you're up. 517 00:27:10,694 --> 00:27:12,321 What? 518 00:27:12,363 --> 00:27:14,695 Put me on the mat. 519 00:27:14,732 --> 00:27:16,393 Come on. You were paying attention, weren't you? 520 00:27:16,433 --> 00:27:18,060 Let's go. 521 00:27:20,604 --> 00:27:22,128 OK, take me down. 522 00:27:25,275 --> 00:27:28,711 You see there is no reason why even a little porker like this... 523 00:27:28,746 --> 00:27:30,373 shouldn't be able to take me straight to the mat. 524 00:27:30,414 --> 00:27:32,780 I once saw a 4-foot Laotian... 525 00:27:32,816 --> 00:27:34,875 twist a 250lb Swede so hard... 526 00:27:34,918 --> 00:27:36,510 that he mopped the bleachers with his blood. 527 00:27:36,553 --> 00:27:38,350 The only reason I'm still standing... 528 00:27:38,389 --> 00:27:40,857 is because you don't believe in yourself, Farley! 529 00:27:40,891 --> 00:27:42,654 You don't believe in yourself! 530 00:27:43,727 --> 00:27:45,854 Stop the cab! Stop! 531 00:27:45,896 --> 00:27:48,763 Don't believe in myself, my ass! 532 00:27:48,799 --> 00:27:50,664 I invented believing in yourself. 533 00:27:50,701 --> 00:27:52,965 No way in hell this guy's gonna run me out of my own house. 534 00:27:53,003 --> 00:27:56,370 Wow. Woodcock's still plowing your mom, huh? 535 00:27:56,407 --> 00:27:58,341 He's marrying her. 536 00:27:58,375 --> 00:28:01,037 Wait, Woodcock's marrying your mom? 537 00:28:01,078 --> 00:28:02,636 Ha ha ha. Dudes! 538 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:05,148 Don't even think about it! 539 00:28:05,182 --> 00:28:06,706 Get me a pitcher! 540 00:28:06,750 --> 00:28:10,686 What is that, Canadian bacon? 541 00:28:10,721 --> 00:28:13,155 So I guess the talk didn't go very well? 542 00:28:13,190 --> 00:28:16,091 God, can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it? 543 00:28:16,126 --> 00:28:19,027 A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten! 544 00:28:19,063 --> 00:28:21,224 You didn't eat your vegetables? Take a lap. 545 00:28:21,265 --> 00:28:24,200 You call that a grandchild? Rhetorical question, Farley. 546 00:28:24,234 --> 00:28:26,361 That sucks. What are you gonna do? 547 00:28:26,403 --> 00:28:28,337 I'm gonna kill Woodcock. 548 00:28:28,372 --> 00:28:29,805 - And you're gonna help me. - John. 549 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:32,035 I've already got 2 strikes and I can't be a part of... 550 00:28:32,076 --> 00:28:34,271 I'm just venting here. Is that OK? Is it OK if a guy vents? 551 00:28:34,311 --> 00:28:36,609 Yeah, sure, because I thought you were serious. 552 00:28:36,647 --> 00:28:38,547 Ha! I've got it. I'm gonna break them up. 553 00:28:38,582 --> 00:28:40,379 How are you gonna do that? 554 00:28:40,417 --> 00:28:43,477 You see, I made a mistake before. 555 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:45,613 I let him take me out of my game. 556 00:28:45,656 --> 00:28:48,648 But this time, I'm gonna get inside his head... 557 00:28:48,692 --> 00:28:50,387 and spin him like a top. 558 00:28:50,427 --> 00:28:55,057 That's good. I don't remember anything like that in your book. 559 00:28:55,099 --> 00:28:56,964 It's not in my book, Nedderman. 560 00:28:59,002 --> 00:29:00,902 - Hello. - Hey, John. 561 00:29:00,938 --> 00:29:03,065 - How's my favorite author? - Hey, Maggie. 562 00:29:03,107 --> 00:29:04,768 Hold on a second. 563 00:29:04,808 --> 00:29:07,299 OK, Mommy time's over. 564 00:29:07,344 --> 00:29:08,333 But don't be sad. 565 00:29:08,378 --> 00:29:10,346 Yeah, uh, actually, I gotta talk to you about that. 566 00:29:10,380 --> 00:29:13,349 I know you have some kind of corn chowder thing on Sunday... 567 00:29:13,383 --> 00:29:15,874 but look, I have amazing news. Oprah... 568 00:29:15,919 --> 00:29:18,353 is seriously considering your book for the book club. 569 00:29:18,388 --> 00:29:20,652 It's unbelievable. I have you on a 9:30 flight out... 570 00:29:20,691 --> 00:29:22,625 and then I'll meet you on the connecting flight in St. Louis. 571 00:29:22,659 --> 00:29:24,058 Maggie, I can't. 572 00:29:24,094 --> 00:29:26,562 - It's a long story but l... I can't. - Knock it off! 573 00:29:26,597 --> 00:29:29,259 - You can't what? - I can't make it to Chicago. 574 00:29:29,299 --> 00:29:31,893 My mom needs me. She's about to marry the Antichrist. 575 00:29:31,935 --> 00:29:35,132 Look, I don't care if your granny's on fire. 576 00:29:35,172 --> 00:29:36,469 This is Oprah. 577 00:29:36,507 --> 00:29:37,940 She farts on a book... 578 00:29:37,975 --> 00:29:39,909 and it magically sells a million copies. 579 00:29:39,943 --> 00:29:41,740 Just get your ass on that plane! 580 00:29:41,779 --> 00:29:44,441 - Maggie, please, listen... - Breaking up this phone call. 581 00:29:44,481 --> 00:29:48,713 Get on... plane tomorrow. 582 00:29:48,752 --> 00:29:51,050 Hey! Where are you going? 583 00:29:51,088 --> 00:29:53,955 W... Wait! Tell me more about your wife! 584 00:29:58,595 --> 00:30:00,119 Mom? 585 00:30:03,233 --> 00:30:06,532 See, I made a mistake before. I let him take me off my game. 586 00:30:06,570 --> 00:30:09,300 But this time I'm gonna get inside his head... 587 00:30:09,339 --> 00:30:10,704 and spin him like a top. 588 00:30:11,608 --> 00:30:13,337 Spin him like a top. 589 00:30:13,377 --> 00:30:15,208 - Spin him like... - Tickle machine! 590 00:30:15,245 --> 00:30:17,679 No, no, no! Not a tickle machine. No! 591 00:30:17,714 --> 00:30:20,342 Oh, oh, stop it! 592 00:30:20,384 --> 00:30:23,217 Oh, Jasper, mind... 593 00:30:25,689 --> 00:30:27,884 Who was that? I think someone's in the house. 594 00:30:27,925 --> 00:30:30,018 - Don't worry, I got it. - Be careful. 595 00:30:33,030 --> 00:30:35,055 Oh, shit! 596 00:30:36,033 --> 00:30:39,264 No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow! 597 00:30:39,303 --> 00:30:41,703 Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John! 598 00:30:41,738 --> 00:30:44,468 Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man! 599 00:30:44,508 --> 00:30:47,204 - Oh! Johnny! - What the hell, Woodcock? 600 00:30:47,244 --> 00:30:49,474 Well, it was dark. Instinct took over. 601 00:30:49,513 --> 00:30:51,242 What about when I said, "It's me! It's John!" 602 00:30:51,281 --> 00:30:53,875 John's a very common name. There could be a burglar named John. 603 00:30:53,917 --> 00:30:56,044 What burglar shouts out his own name? 604 00:30:56,086 --> 00:30:59,317 I'm sure it was an accident, sweetie. l... um... 605 00:30:59,356 --> 00:31:01,085 Honey, I thought you were in danger. 606 00:31:01,124 --> 00:31:02,955 Oh. 607 00:31:02,993 --> 00:31:05,359 Are you all right? 608 00:31:05,395 --> 00:31:07,192 Yeah, I'm fine. 609 00:31:07,231 --> 00:31:09,199 Well, uh, J... John, what are you doing here? 610 00:31:09,233 --> 00:31:10,495 I thought about it... 611 00:31:10,534 --> 00:31:12,058 and I just didn't want to disappoint you, Mom. 612 00:31:12,102 --> 00:31:15,697 Aw, that is so sweet. 613 00:31:15,739 --> 00:31:18,606 - Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm great. 614 00:31:18,642 --> 00:31:21,076 All right, well, then, um... 615 00:31:21,111 --> 00:31:23,636 - we'll see you in the morning. - Great. 616 00:31:24,314 --> 00:31:25,804 Come on, Jasper. 617 00:31:27,150 --> 00:31:28,742 Farley. 618 00:32:13,330 --> 00:32:16,356 So you really didn't know it was me last night? 619 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:17,697 Well, that's what happens... 620 00:32:17,734 --> 00:32:19,759 when you go sneaking around someone else's house. 621 00:32:19,803 --> 00:32:21,270 What do you mean, someone else's house? 622 00:32:21,305 --> 00:32:22,795 Well, last time I checked, chief... 623 00:32:22,839 --> 00:32:24,136 you don't live here anymore. 624 00:32:24,174 --> 00:32:26,005 That's not the point. 625 00:32:49,599 --> 00:32:52,762 - Morning. Oh, no, sweetheart. Oh, my God. - Sorry. 626 00:32:52,803 --> 00:32:55,294 That is so rude. Don't do that. 627 00:32:55,339 --> 00:32:56,738 - Good morning. - Good morning. 628 00:32:56,773 --> 00:32:58,707 - I love you. - Oh, thank you. 629 00:32:58,742 --> 00:33:00,733 Oh, I love you too. 630 00:33:00,777 --> 00:33:03,109 - I love you so much. - Aww. Thank you. 631 00:33:03,146 --> 00:33:04,943 He's the best. 632 00:33:05,983 --> 00:33:07,814 Well, if it isn't the future Mrs. Woodcock. 633 00:33:07,851 --> 00:33:09,785 Aww. 634 00:33:09,820 --> 00:33:13,654 Mmmmm. Mmmmmm. 635 00:33:14,324 --> 00:33:15,689 Mmmm! Ha ha! 636 00:33:15,726 --> 00:33:18,661 Hey, Jasper. How about we spend the day together? 637 00:33:18,695 --> 00:33:20,356 Get to know each other better, you know? 638 00:33:20,397 --> 00:33:23,798 - What a great idea. - Yeah. 639 00:33:25,402 --> 00:33:27,802 Actually, I have a lot on my plate today, John. 640 00:33:27,838 --> 00:33:30,500 Oh, come on. We'll have fun. 641 00:33:30,540 --> 00:33:33,338 - Mmm! - I'll take a rain check. 642 00:33:33,377 --> 00:33:34,674 Honey. 643 00:33:36,580 --> 00:33:38,309 I'm glad we're doing this. 644 00:33:38,348 --> 00:33:39,815 Getting to know each other better... 645 00:33:39,850 --> 00:33:41,477 talking things out. 646 00:33:41,518 --> 00:33:43,918 Conversation leads to inspiration, right? 647 00:33:45,856 --> 00:33:47,790 That's from my book. 648 00:33:47,824 --> 00:33:50,349 Ah, I'll get you a copy. 649 00:33:50,394 --> 00:33:54,694 Look, I love my mom. We're very, very close. 650 00:33:54,731 --> 00:33:56,722 Not in a weird way, of course. Just close. 651 00:33:56,767 --> 00:33:58,166 Listen, we could be pals. 652 00:33:58,201 --> 00:34:00,533 We could be guys that sit and watch foot... 653 00:34:00,570 --> 00:34:03,801 ...hanging loose at the gym. To me, this is what life is about. 654 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,434 Now, I'm not saying there's a problem here. I don't judge. 655 00:34:06,476 --> 00:34:08,535 You guys have only known each other 5 months. 656 00:34:08,578 --> 00:34:11,308 You've got your whole life ahead of you. You could be kids. 657 00:34:11,348 --> 00:34:13,509 I don't know what you guys like to do... 658 00:34:13,550 --> 00:34:15,575 but it's just that's... that's what's important. 659 00:34:15,619 --> 00:34:18,110 I'm just trying to tell you, don't rush, OK? 660 00:34:18,155 --> 00:34:20,282 Don't rush your life. 661 00:34:20,323 --> 00:34:22,086 You know? 662 00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:25,653 Running your mouth doesn't count as exercise. 663 00:34:25,695 --> 00:34:27,424 You gonna work out or what? 664 00:35:15,846 --> 00:35:18,007 I think you'll survive. 665 00:35:18,048 --> 00:35:19,845 You're not showering? 666 00:35:19,883 --> 00:35:22,147 No, no. I'm good. 667 00:35:22,185 --> 00:35:23,709 This is not France, Farley. 668 00:35:23,753 --> 00:35:25,345 Maybe you don't mind smelling like a nut sack all day... 669 00:35:25,388 --> 00:35:27,515 but I gotta be in the car with you. 670 00:35:27,557 --> 00:35:30,958 There are kids in Africa who'd kill for a shower. 671 00:35:32,028 --> 00:35:33,791 Come on, Farley. Move it. 672 00:35:35,198 --> 00:35:36,688 You called me Farley. 673 00:35:36,733 --> 00:35:39,167 You used to call me that when I was in your class. 674 00:35:39,202 --> 00:35:41,397 It's your name, isn't it? 675 00:35:41,438 --> 00:35:43,303 You really don't remember me? 676 00:35:43,340 --> 00:35:45,035 Well, with your innate athletic ability... 677 00:35:45,075 --> 00:35:46,269 it's hard to believe, huh? 678 00:35:46,309 --> 00:35:48,140 Do you remember what... 679 00:35:48,178 --> 00:35:50,078 Simply rub the solution on your teeth... 680 00:35:50,113 --> 00:35:52,206 wait a few moments and then rinse. 681 00:35:53,750 --> 00:35:56,947 - Morning, boys. - Jasper, you old side-winder. 682 00:35:56,987 --> 00:35:58,477 Come to get your ears lowered? 683 00:35:58,522 --> 00:36:00,285 Hey, you look like you could stand... 684 00:36:00,323 --> 00:36:02,814 to have a little taken off the top, you damn hippy. 685 00:36:02,859 --> 00:36:04,224 Well, looks like you could stand... 686 00:36:04,261 --> 00:36:06,889 to have a little taken off the middle, you fat son of a bitch. 687 00:36:06,930 --> 00:36:08,830 Ha ha ha! 688 00:36:08,865 --> 00:36:11,857 Hee hee hee. 689 00:36:11,902 --> 00:36:14,200 You got an appointment? 690 00:36:14,237 --> 00:36:16,603 - No, sir. I'm with him. - Sit down, Farley. 691 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,699 God knows you could use a little trim. 692 00:36:18,742 --> 00:36:20,004 - Ha ha ha! - I don't know, Jasper. 693 00:36:20,043 --> 00:36:22,603 You think that boy even knows what trim is? 694 00:36:22,646 --> 00:36:24,637 Ha ha ha! 695 00:36:24,681 --> 00:36:26,478 Sit down, Huckleberry. 696 00:36:26,516 --> 00:36:29,849 - Maybe clean up the back a little bit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 697 00:36:29,886 --> 00:36:33,447 So, Jasper. How's that hell cat of yours doing? 698 00:36:33,490 --> 00:36:36,152 - Yeah, she's keeping me young. - Yes, she is. 699 00:36:36,193 --> 00:36:38,161 - In the sack. - Ha! 700 00:36:38,195 --> 00:36:41,528 Yeah, well, I'm gonna make an honest woman out of her. 701 00:36:41,565 --> 00:36:43,396 Thought you woulda learned the first time. 702 00:36:43,433 --> 00:36:45,924 Yeah, guess not. 703 00:36:45,969 --> 00:36:47,664 You never told me you were married before. 704 00:36:47,704 --> 00:36:50,673 Yeah, well, I never told you about my kidney stones either. So what? 705 00:36:52,609 --> 00:36:54,873 Whoa! What are you doing? 706 00:36:54,911 --> 00:36:57,846 Well, don't have a hissy fit, Nancy! 707 00:36:57,881 --> 00:37:00,247 It's just a pair of clippers. 708 00:37:04,754 --> 00:37:07,052 You knew they were gonna do that. 709 00:37:07,090 --> 00:37:09,081 If you didn't want a haircut you didn't have to get one. 710 00:37:09,125 --> 00:37:11,116 This is not Russia. 711 00:37:19,769 --> 00:37:23,000 - You're late, you fairy! - How you doing, Dad? 712 00:37:23,039 --> 00:37:26,065 All I do all day is watch Judge Joe Brown and piss myself. 713 00:37:26,109 --> 00:37:27,804 How the hell do you think I'm doing? 714 00:37:27,844 --> 00:37:30,039 Wait, you have a father? 715 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,707 Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus. 716 00:37:31,748 --> 00:37:35,445 - Who is this genius? - It's, uh, Beverly's kid. 717 00:37:35,485 --> 00:37:36,816 Looks like he got a little retard in him. 718 00:37:36,853 --> 00:37:38,047 Are you simple, boy? 719 00:37:38,088 --> 00:37:39,885 - Ha ha ha. - So, Dad... 720 00:37:39,923 --> 00:37:42,721 - I'm getting married. - Again? 721 00:37:42,759 --> 00:37:43,783 So... Yes. 722 00:37:43,827 --> 00:37:45,761 Didn't you screw that up enough the first time? 723 00:37:45,795 --> 00:37:49,424 I'll give it 6 months. Oh, I'll outlive this marriage. And you! 724 00:37:49,466 --> 00:37:53,334 How down on her luck must your momma be to marry a gym teacher? 725 00:37:53,370 --> 00:37:56,999 She knows that he plays hopscotch for a living, right? 726 00:37:57,040 --> 00:37:59,133 - You think I'm funny, boy? - No. 727 00:37:59,175 --> 00:38:01,109 - You want to wrestle me? - Uh, no, thank you. 728 00:38:01,144 --> 00:38:02,839 Come on, wrestle an old man! 729 00:38:02,879 --> 00:38:04,312 - Dad... - Come on, cream puff! 730 00:38:04,347 --> 00:38:07,578 My legs are as useless as your little pecker, but come on! 731 00:38:07,617 --> 00:38:09,608 - Dad, Dad... - Come on! 732 00:38:09,653 --> 00:38:12,315 I'm going to teach my class now. Do you want to go to the pool? 733 00:38:12,355 --> 00:38:16,018 Water sports is for girls and sodomites! 734 00:38:16,059 --> 00:38:17,048 Sodomites. 735 00:38:17,093 --> 00:38:19,027 OK, I'll see you later, Dad. 736 00:38:19,062 --> 00:38:21,758 - Well, it was a pleasure. - Beat it, fruitcake! 737 00:38:21,798 --> 00:38:24,494 He seems like a really nice guy. 738 00:38:24,534 --> 00:38:26,900 You want a shoe up your ass, Farley? 739 00:38:26,936 --> 00:38:28,028 No. 740 00:38:29,673 --> 00:38:31,834 Robinson, go dump a bedpan. 741 00:38:35,312 --> 00:38:36,779 OK, let's move it. 742 00:38:42,619 --> 00:38:44,314 Get those arms up! 743 00:38:45,522 --> 00:38:47,854 Where's Palumbo? 744 00:38:47,891 --> 00:38:50,621 Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf? 745 00:38:50,660 --> 00:38:52,093 Into the pool! 746 00:38:53,997 --> 00:38:55,658 Palumbo, don't push me. 747 00:38:55,699 --> 00:38:59,100 I think his hearing aid is on the fritz. 748 00:38:59,135 --> 00:39:00,966 I didn't ask you, did I, Weaver? 749 00:39:01,004 --> 00:39:02,164 Well, no, I guess not. 750 00:39:02,205 --> 00:39:04,469 Rhetorical question, Weaver. Take a lap. 751 00:39:04,507 --> 00:39:06,975 Oh. I was just trying to help! 752 00:39:07,010 --> 00:39:08,910 Don't you think you're being a little harsh with them? 753 00:39:08,945 --> 00:39:11,004 They're just old, Farley. They're not pathetic. 754 00:39:11,047 --> 00:39:12,708 They enjoy a challenge. 755 00:39:15,018 --> 00:39:17,043 Move those legs. 756 00:39:18,555 --> 00:39:20,819 I'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo. 757 00:39:20,857 --> 00:39:22,688 Lose the attitude. 758 00:39:22,726 --> 00:39:25,126 Oh, you think this is funny? 759 00:39:25,161 --> 00:39:27,220 All right, that's it, Palumbo. It's go time. 760 00:39:27,263 --> 00:39:28,252 What the... 761 00:39:28,298 --> 00:39:29,731 And Platts, don't think I'm not watching you. 762 00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:32,530 You're not the first person in the world to get a hip replacement. 763 00:39:32,569 --> 00:39:34,867 Pick up the pace! 764 00:39:34,904 --> 00:39:37,270 OK, Palumbo, this is your last chance. 765 00:39:39,576 --> 00:39:41,441 Oh, really? OK, we'll do it your way, then. 766 00:39:41,478 --> 00:39:43,605 - Whoa, whoa... - Sink or swim, old man. 767 00:39:43,646 --> 00:39:45,841 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! - Sink or swim! 768 00:39:47,283 --> 00:39:48,682 Jesus, are you insane? 769 00:39:48,718 --> 00:39:50,208 He doesn't need your help, Farley. 770 00:39:50,253 --> 00:39:52,084 What the hell, man? Aah! 771 00:39:58,161 --> 00:40:00,152 Sir, it's all right. I'm trying to help you. 772 00:40:00,196 --> 00:40:03,188 I'm trying to save your life! 773 00:40:03,233 --> 00:40:04,860 Oh! 774 00:40:20,116 --> 00:40:21,310 Hm. 775 00:40:29,526 --> 00:40:31,221 Jackass! 776 00:40:33,263 --> 00:40:35,823 Nice job, Scardusio. Did you get any tongue? 777 00:40:35,865 --> 00:40:38,459 No, but I get better suction without the choppers. 778 00:40:38,501 --> 00:40:40,230 Makes sense. 779 00:40:40,937 --> 00:40:42,928 Oh! 780 00:40:47,610 --> 00:40:49,635 Come on, Farley, let's saddle up. 781 00:40:49,679 --> 00:40:51,237 I'm waiting for my clothes to dry. 782 00:40:54,284 --> 00:40:55,615 - Hello? - Hey, John. 783 00:40:55,652 --> 00:40:57,950 I'm on an airplane heading for Chicago. 784 00:40:57,987 --> 00:40:59,818 And you'll never guess who's sitting next to me. 785 00:40:59,856 --> 00:41:01,653 - Who? - Nobody! 786 00:41:01,691 --> 00:41:04,489 Now where is your ass and why isn't it in seat 2A? 787 00:41:05,228 --> 00:41:07,093 Man, just hold on a second. I got another call. 788 00:41:07,130 --> 00:41:08,859 - Hello? - I got your message, dude. 789 00:41:08,898 --> 00:41:12,061 - What's going on? - Hey. Hold on. 790 00:41:12,101 --> 00:41:15,036 You know, Mr. Woodcock, I'm just gonna get myself home. 791 00:41:15,071 --> 00:41:18,006 Suit yourself, Farley. Just get some pants on. 792 00:41:18,041 --> 00:41:19,975 This is not Miami. 793 00:41:20,710 --> 00:41:22,735 Suddenly it makes sense. 794 00:41:25,148 --> 00:41:27,708 Nedderman, Woodcock's been married before. 795 00:41:27,750 --> 00:41:29,513 Now, I need you to find out who she is... 796 00:41:29,552 --> 00:41:30,712 and then pick me up at Alterman's. 797 00:41:30,753 --> 00:41:32,983 Right. The nursing home? 798 00:41:33,022 --> 00:41:34,751 Yeah, and bring me some underwear. 799 00:41:34,791 --> 00:41:36,554 Some of mine? 800 00:41:36,593 --> 00:41:38,527 - Listen, Maggie. - Hello? 801 00:41:38,561 --> 00:41:40,153 Everything's going to shit right now, OK? 802 00:41:40,196 --> 00:41:41,185 I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow. 803 00:41:41,231 --> 00:41:43,028 No, John, don't hang... 804 00:41:43,066 --> 00:41:44,499 Asshole! 805 00:41:46,402 --> 00:41:49,667 Excuse me. Hi. Could I get a real bottle, please? 806 00:41:49,706 --> 00:41:51,970 I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll. 807 00:41:54,344 --> 00:41:56,175 What happened to your head? 808 00:41:56,212 --> 00:41:58,305 Just drive, Nedderman. 809 00:42:01,150 --> 00:42:02,913 Her name is Sally Jensen. 810 00:42:02,952 --> 00:42:05,182 Oh, good work! Let's go see her right now. 811 00:42:05,221 --> 00:42:06,688 Why? 812 00:42:06,723 --> 00:42:09,089 Well, think about it, Nedderman. 813 00:42:09,125 --> 00:42:11,719 Who's more likely to have dirt on Woodcock than his ex-wife? 814 00:42:11,761 --> 00:42:14,252 But in your book don't you say... 815 00:42:14,297 --> 00:42:16,492 digging up the past muddies up the present? 816 00:42:16,533 --> 00:42:18,433 Yes, I do... 817 00:42:18,468 --> 00:42:19,958 but that's only true if the past... 818 00:42:20,003 --> 00:42:21,595 doesn't actually affect the present. 819 00:42:21,638 --> 00:42:23,503 Think about it, Nedderman. 820 00:42:23,540 --> 00:42:25,633 If I can learn something about Woodcock's past... 821 00:42:25,675 --> 00:42:29,111 that'll save my mom from future heartache in the future... 822 00:42:29,145 --> 00:42:30,612 then I don't really have a choice... 823 00:42:30,647 --> 00:42:32,376 but to address it in the present, right? 824 00:42:32,415 --> 00:42:34,406 l... Guess not. 825 00:42:34,450 --> 00:42:36,350 Exactly. 826 00:42:39,789 --> 00:42:41,552 Who is that? 827 00:42:41,591 --> 00:42:43,650 That's my brother, Clark. 828 00:42:49,032 --> 00:42:51,330 There it is. 829 00:42:51,367 --> 00:42:53,597 Home of the former Mrs. Woodcock. 830 00:42:54,404 --> 00:42:55,735 All right. I'm going in. 831 00:42:55,772 --> 00:42:58,832 Nedderman, I need you to find more dirt on Woodcock, all right? 832 00:42:58,875 --> 00:43:02,868 Think outside the box. See the challenge, focus on it... 833 00:43:02,912 --> 00:43:05,642 visualize, attack it and then reuse it, OK? 834 00:43:05,682 --> 00:43:08,242 - You got me? - l... I won't let you down, John. I promise. 835 00:43:08,284 --> 00:43:11,276 - Thanks for the underwear. - Sorry if they're big. 836 00:43:15,792 --> 00:43:17,919 Hey, see if she has a pool! 837 00:43:17,961 --> 00:43:21,021 Or a koi pond! 838 00:43:21,064 --> 00:43:22,691 A fish tank? 839 00:43:22,732 --> 00:43:24,222 Nedderman. 840 00:43:27,503 --> 00:43:29,266 Sally Jensen? 841 00:43:30,573 --> 00:43:32,200 Who are you? 842 00:43:32,241 --> 00:43:34,971 Um, I'm John Farley. 843 00:43:36,112 --> 00:43:37,807 Can I get you something to drink? 844 00:43:37,847 --> 00:43:40,748 I think I have a clean glass around here somewhere. 845 00:43:40,783 --> 00:43:42,683 No, I'm good, thanks. 846 00:43:48,024 --> 00:43:50,049 I love your book. 847 00:43:50,093 --> 00:43:52,584 Turned my life around. 848 00:43:54,230 --> 00:43:56,562 Must be my lucky day. 849 00:43:56,599 --> 00:43:59,864 Hometown hero in the flesh right here in my own living room. 850 00:44:01,037 --> 00:44:03,005 What do you want? 851 00:44:03,039 --> 00:44:06,600 I'm doing research... for my next book. 852 00:44:06,643 --> 00:44:09,339 If you don't mind my asking, why did you divorce? 853 00:44:09,379 --> 00:44:11,142 Why do you think? 854 00:44:11,180 --> 00:44:12,647 Infidelity. 855 00:44:12,682 --> 00:44:15,913 Over and over again. 856 00:44:15,952 --> 00:44:18,716 Should have broke it off years earlier, but... 857 00:44:18,755 --> 00:44:20,052 But what? 858 00:44:20,089 --> 00:44:24,788 - The sex was amazing. - Oh. 859 00:44:24,827 --> 00:44:26,818 I'm telling you, that man knows how to use... 860 00:44:26,863 --> 00:44:28,490 what the good Lord gave him. 861 00:44:28,531 --> 00:44:30,556 Oh, right. Thanks for that. 862 00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:34,195 Once, I actually blacked out. 863 00:44:34,237 --> 00:44:39,072 Can you imagine blacking out from sheer pleasure? 864 00:44:39,108 --> 00:44:43,772 Once I spoke Portuguese and I don't even know the language. 865 00:44:43,813 --> 00:44:46,509 - OK, I think that's enough. - Ha ha ha. 866 00:44:46,549 --> 00:44:48,642 Um, this has been very helpful... 867 00:44:48,685 --> 00:44:50,346 and disturbing all at the same time. 868 00:44:50,386 --> 00:44:53,913 Why? Do you know Jasper? 869 00:44:53,956 --> 00:44:57,357 Actually I do. Uh, he was a teacher of mine, years ago. 870 00:44:57,393 --> 00:44:59,987 And, uh, he's marrying my mom. 871 00:45:00,029 --> 00:45:03,294 Saw him last week at the coffee shop with her. 872 00:45:03,332 --> 00:45:05,732 A big-titted, blonde tramp. 873 00:45:05,768 --> 00:45:08,828 Sorry. No offense. 874 00:45:08,871 --> 00:45:11,999 She looks awfully young to be your mom. 875 00:45:12,041 --> 00:45:14,202 - He's cheating on her. - What? 876 00:45:14,243 --> 00:45:16,939 Yup. He cheated on his ex-wife. That's why they got divorced. 877 00:45:16,979 --> 00:45:18,003 Now he's doing the same thing to my mom... 878 00:45:18,047 --> 00:45:21,107 with some big-titted, blonde tramp. 879 00:45:21,150 --> 00:45:23,710 So that's great. So... So we just gotta tell your mom now. 880 00:45:24,353 --> 00:45:25,820 No, I can't just tell her. 881 00:45:25,855 --> 00:45:27,220 She doesn't listen to me when it comes to Woodcock. 882 00:45:27,256 --> 00:45:29,019 - We need proof. - No problem. 883 00:45:29,058 --> 00:45:30,923 We've been working on some killer stuff on our end. 884 00:45:30,960 --> 00:45:33,724 Good. Meet me at my place as soon as possible. 885 00:45:37,934 --> 00:45:40,129 You wanted evidence, you got it. 886 00:45:40,169 --> 00:45:41,693 It may not prove Woodcock's cheating... 887 00:45:41,738 --> 00:45:43,569 but it does prove he's a huge dick. 888 00:45:43,606 --> 00:45:45,540 What happened to his eye? 889 00:45:45,575 --> 00:45:48,373 Look, don't worry about him. He's fine. 890 00:45:48,411 --> 00:45:52,643 When she sees this, man, she'll come to her senses. 891 00:45:52,682 --> 00:45:56,118 No, Mr. Woodcock. Please don't hurt me again. 892 00:45:56,152 --> 00:45:57,881 Aah! 893 00:45:59,188 --> 00:46:01,247 Ha ha ha. Well? 894 00:46:01,290 --> 00:46:03,815 You threw a chair at your brother? 895 00:46:03,860 --> 00:46:05,953 Weren't you watching? 896 00:46:05,995 --> 00:46:07,860 It wasn't me that threw the chair at him... 897 00:46:07,897 --> 00:46:09,728 it was Woodcock that threw the chair. 898 00:46:09,766 --> 00:46:11,597 He said Woodcock. Woodcock threw that chair! 899 00:46:11,634 --> 00:46:14,000 Honey? Hi, are you home? 900 00:46:14,036 --> 00:46:17,972 Oh, look, that's so nice. You've got some friends over. 901 00:46:18,007 --> 00:46:19,406 Hi, I'm John's mom. 902 00:46:22,411 --> 00:46:24,402 Nedderman. 903 00:46:24,447 --> 00:46:26,847 Nedderman. 904 00:46:26,883 --> 00:46:29,681 You remember him? We were in the same class. 905 00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:32,153 What happened to your head? 906 00:46:32,188 --> 00:46:33,883 Woodcock doesn't deserve her. 907 00:46:33,923 --> 00:46:36,187 Farley's mom is hot. I mean, yes, she's old and shit... 908 00:46:36,225 --> 00:46:38,159 but God, I just want to stick my face... 909 00:46:38,194 --> 00:46:41,391 between those great old titties and go, "Brrrrrrr! 910 00:46:41,430 --> 00:46:45,161 "Brrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrr!" 911 00:46:45,201 --> 00:46:46,930 Nedderman, turn it off. 912 00:46:46,969 --> 00:46:49,733 ...titties and go, "Brrrrrrr!" 913 00:46:50,673 --> 00:46:51,935 Big old... big old titties... 914 00:46:51,974 --> 00:46:53,407 Big old titties... 915 00:46:53,442 --> 00:46:54,966 - Jasper. - Brrrrrrrrr! 916 00:46:55,011 --> 00:46:56,171 Jasper! 917 00:46:57,980 --> 00:47:01,177 I meant that in the most respectful way possible. 918 00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:06,317 Run! 919 00:47:06,923 --> 00:47:08,618 Mrs. Farley! 920 00:47:08,658 --> 00:47:10,523 You people are sick, Farley. 921 00:47:10,560 --> 00:47:13,393 - I barely know those guys, Mom. - OK... 922 00:47:13,429 --> 00:47:18,890 Well... Let's just pretend that never happened. 923 00:47:21,304 --> 00:47:23,898 Johnny, are you all right? 924 00:47:23,940 --> 00:47:28,877 Jasper said that he thought you seemed upset today. 925 00:47:28,911 --> 00:47:32,677 Oh! He did? Oh. 926 00:47:32,715 --> 00:47:36,617 Sweetie, look, I know that it's not easy for you... 927 00:47:36,652 --> 00:47:38,984 to have a new man in our house. 928 00:47:39,021 --> 00:47:40,579 But we're getting married... 929 00:47:40,623 --> 00:47:42,386 and he's gonna be part of our family. 930 00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:48,626 All I want is for just you two to get along. 931 00:47:48,664 --> 00:47:51,394 Is that asking too much? 932 00:47:51,434 --> 00:47:52,924 Could you try? 933 00:47:52,969 --> 00:47:54,493 For me? 934 00:47:56,172 --> 00:47:57,730 OK. 935 00:47:57,773 --> 00:48:00,173 - I love you, Mom. - Oh, sweetie. I love you too. 936 00:48:00,209 --> 00:48:03,042 - Thank you. Oh! - Sorry. 937 00:48:03,079 --> 00:48:05,411 Let's go to Cornival. Let's have a good time tonight. 938 00:48:05,448 --> 00:48:07,780 Great. We'll have a great night. All of us. 939 00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:28,837 # My loves have some stories... # 940 00:48:30,172 --> 00:48:32,003 - Come on, tell me. - No, forget it. 941 00:48:32,041 --> 00:48:33,668 No, I want to know! 942 00:48:33,709 --> 00:48:36,303 - Look, I'm embarrassed, OK? - Oh! 943 00:48:36,345 --> 00:48:38,813 John, you can't just start saying something and then stop. 944 00:48:38,848 --> 00:48:41,544 - Come on. - Never mind, never mind. 945 00:48:41,584 --> 00:48:43,745 John. 946 00:48:43,786 --> 00:48:45,981 Oh, all right. Um... 947 00:48:46,022 --> 00:48:50,982 I've had the biggest crush on you since the 7th grade. 948 00:48:51,027 --> 00:48:55,259 Ha ha ha. And here we are! 949 00:48:55,298 --> 00:48:57,357 Yeah, here we are. 950 00:48:57,400 --> 00:48:59,231 The cornival. 951 00:48:59,268 --> 00:49:02,237 - I'm glad you called. - Yeah, me too. 952 00:49:03,506 --> 00:49:06,407 - Jasper! Let me do it. - Lift it up. Keep it up high. 953 00:49:07,877 --> 00:49:09,606 Oh! Now you're cheating! 954 00:49:09,645 --> 00:49:13,775 Aw. You have to admit, they're kind of cute together. 955 00:49:13,816 --> 00:49:15,511 You're kidding? 956 00:49:15,551 --> 00:49:18,645 No, your mom is beautiful. 957 00:49:18,688 --> 00:49:22,021 And Woodcock's kinda sexy, you know. 958 00:49:22,058 --> 00:49:24,322 - Mr. Woodcock? - Yeah. 959 00:49:24,360 --> 00:49:28,319 I mean, just, I don't know, the way he... he carries himself. 960 00:49:28,364 --> 00:49:30,457 - What? - There's just something about him. 961 00:49:30,499 --> 00:49:33,263 It's like this bravado and... I don't know. 962 00:49:33,302 --> 00:49:35,634 All the girls at school love him. I mean, he's hilarious. 963 00:49:35,671 --> 00:49:37,332 One time he grabbed me by my... 964 00:49:37,373 --> 00:49:38,931 He coxes them in the teachers' lounge. 965 00:49:38,975 --> 00:49:41,307 He has this little game that we play with his whistle. 966 00:49:41,344 --> 00:49:45,280 Actually, I've always kinda had a crush on Woodcock. 967 00:49:47,883 --> 00:49:50,977 Wow! You... you wanna go? 968 00:49:51,020 --> 00:49:52,544 Yeah, sure. 969 00:49:52,588 --> 00:49:54,556 That's cool, right? You're not... you're not gonna eat that. 970 00:49:58,661 --> 00:50:00,595 Hey, guys. How are you doing? 971 00:50:00,629 --> 00:50:02,995 Oh, good. I'm done. 972 00:50:03,032 --> 00:50:05,933 Um, why don't you two play a little bit, huh? 973 00:50:05,968 --> 00:50:08,027 - I thought you wanted to win a panda. - Oh, it's all right. 974 00:50:08,070 --> 00:50:10,129 - I'll win you a panda, Mom. - Oh! 975 00:50:10,172 --> 00:50:13,005 - Sure you brought enough cash? - Jasper. 976 00:50:13,042 --> 00:50:16,910 OK, so let's go get some cotton candy and let the boys play. 977 00:50:16,946 --> 00:50:18,504 - Yeah. - Good luck. 978 00:50:18,547 --> 00:50:20,947 Win me a puppy. 979 00:50:20,983 --> 00:50:23,315 - OK, Woodcock. - Looks like we got a challenge. 980 00:50:23,352 --> 00:50:25,479 - Let's play. - Good luck, young man. 981 00:50:25,521 --> 00:50:28,319 There you go, sir. Here we go! 982 00:50:28,357 --> 00:50:30,291 Ha! Harder than it looks! 983 00:50:30,326 --> 00:50:32,487 Hey, nice shot! 984 00:50:33,229 --> 00:50:35,129 Try again, kid. 985 00:50:35,164 --> 00:50:37,860 We got a shooter, folks! 986 00:50:37,900 --> 00:50:40,334 - Oh! - Nice one, Farley. 987 00:50:40,369 --> 00:50:42,860 - Damn it! - Whoo! 988 00:50:42,905 --> 00:50:44,372 That's a winner right there. 989 00:50:44,407 --> 00:50:47,467 Looks like a panda to me, sir. Nice job. 990 00:50:47,510 --> 00:50:51,276 All right, kid. Everybody's a winner. Ha ha ha! 991 00:50:52,615 --> 00:50:55,106 I've seen better shooting at the special Olympics. 992 00:50:55,151 --> 00:50:58,552 - Basketball's not really my game. - Really? 993 00:50:58,587 --> 00:51:00,919 What is your game? Whac A Mole? 994 00:51:08,731 --> 00:51:10,596 Stupid game! 995 00:51:10,633 --> 00:51:14,262 I just wanna warn you, Farley. I'm a card-carrying member of the N.R.A. 996 00:51:14,303 --> 00:51:16,464 You don't have a prayer. 997 00:51:16,505 --> 00:51:18,370 Ready, gentlemen! 998 00:51:28,951 --> 00:51:31,886 - We have a winner! - Don't be a sore loser. 999 00:51:31,921 --> 00:51:33,718 I'm telling you, my gun was messed up. 1000 00:51:33,756 --> 00:51:35,883 It's never the gun, Farley, it's always the hunter. 1001 00:51:35,925 --> 00:51:38,325 "Corn-eating Corntest." 1002 00:51:39,829 --> 00:51:41,729 Oh, it's on. 1003 00:51:43,766 --> 00:51:45,131 You're going down, Woodcock. 1004 00:51:45,167 --> 00:51:46,998 You must like getting spanked, Farley. 1005 00:51:47,036 --> 00:51:49,027 - I guess it runs in the family. - Here you go, boys. 1006 00:51:49,071 --> 00:51:50,129 Begin! 1007 00:51:50,172 --> 00:51:52,936 Oh, I shoulda known that you'd be here. 1008 00:51:52,975 --> 00:51:56,968 You know, Johnny won this competition what, 6 times in a row? 1009 00:51:57,012 --> 00:51:58,980 - 7. 7. - When he was little. 7 times! 1010 00:51:59,014 --> 00:52:00,948 And against adults, too! 1011 00:52:00,983 --> 00:52:03,918 And here we go, corn-testants! And may the best... 1012 00:52:03,953 --> 00:52:06,649 Oh, they're getting ready to go so we'll just go over here. 1013 00:52:06,689 --> 00:52:09,453 - Remember, half cobs do not count. - Good luck! 1014 00:52:09,492 --> 00:52:12,052 See you, girls. That's funny, Farley. 1015 00:52:12,094 --> 00:52:14,119 I didn't know fat kids ate their vegetables. 1016 00:52:14,163 --> 00:52:15,994 Save it for the corn-test, old man. 1017 00:52:16,031 --> 00:52:17,464 - Ready for this? - Yes! 1018 00:52:17,500 --> 00:52:19,695 Are the corn-testants ready for this? 1019 00:52:19,735 --> 00:52:23,796 If you are ready, then get set... 1020 00:52:25,674 --> 00:52:27,938 There they go, ladies and gentlemen... 1021 00:52:27,977 --> 00:52:29,535 Iook at them gnaw on that corn! 1022 00:52:29,578 --> 00:52:31,603 Do you see those teeth? 1023 00:52:34,817 --> 00:52:36,808 Half a cob doesn't count. 1024 00:52:39,989 --> 00:52:41,456 Pretty good there, Farley? 1025 00:52:41,490 --> 00:52:43,321 Keep it going. Look there. Look at them go. 1026 00:52:43,359 --> 00:52:44,986 You want to pace yourself, Farley. 1027 00:52:45,027 --> 00:52:47,621 Just let go, Woodcock. 1028 00:52:47,663 --> 00:52:51,997 Great tension. Hey, hey, keep your hand off your neighbor's cob! 1029 00:52:52,034 --> 00:52:54,195 Penalty! 1030 00:52:54,236 --> 00:52:56,033 All right, here we go. Keep chewing that corn! 1031 00:52:57,873 --> 00:52:58,965 10 seconds left! 1032 00:52:59,008 --> 00:53:00,839 Coming down to the end now. 1033 00:53:00,876 --> 00:53:05,472 5, 4, 3... 1034 00:53:05,514 --> 00:53:07,414 2, 1! 1035 00:53:21,530 --> 00:53:24,431 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! 1036 00:53:24,466 --> 00:53:27,594 And that winner is, again... 1037 00:53:27,636 --> 00:53:29,604 - John Farley! - Whoo! 1038 00:53:29,638 --> 00:53:35,042 Ha ha ha! Yes! Whoo! You got beat, sweetheart! 1039 00:53:35,077 --> 00:53:37,671 Whoo! Whoo! 1040 00:53:37,713 --> 00:53:41,114 Whooooooo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Ha ha ha! 1041 00:53:41,150 --> 00:53:45,587 Oh, yeah, baby! Whoo! Whooo-hoo-hoo! 1042 00:53:45,621 --> 00:53:47,953 I'm the big winner. I win! 1043 00:53:47,990 --> 00:53:51,050 I'm the big winner 'cause this is my house, bitch! 1044 00:53:51,093 --> 00:53:53,687 - Whoo-hoo! - John Michael Farley! 1045 00:53:53,729 --> 00:53:56,061 What has come over you? 1046 00:53:59,235 --> 00:54:00,702 Ugh! 1047 00:54:02,037 --> 00:54:05,438 It's OK, Farley. I know how to cheer her up. 1048 00:54:05,474 --> 00:54:08,671 Do me a favor. Snag my bears. 1049 00:54:08,711 --> 00:54:12,238 Well, John, you really... ate that corn. 1050 00:54:17,086 --> 00:54:18,417 Thanks. 1051 00:54:37,573 --> 00:54:38,972 - Hello? - Wake up! 1052 00:54:39,008 --> 00:54:41,033 I got something to show you. 1053 00:54:41,076 --> 00:54:43,010 Nedderman? What's going on? 1054 00:54:43,045 --> 00:54:44,706 And at 0800 hours... 1055 00:54:44,747 --> 00:54:46,510 a blonde chick rolled up in that car... 1056 00:54:46,548 --> 00:54:47,981 and went into Woodcock's house. 1057 00:54:48,017 --> 00:54:52,647 How long you been staking out his house? 1058 00:54:52,688 --> 00:54:54,622 17, 18 hours. 1059 00:54:57,192 --> 00:54:59,285 Hey... there she is! 1060 00:54:59,328 --> 00:55:03,321 - What? - Oh, that son of a bitch! 1061 00:55:03,365 --> 00:55:05,162 What kind of asshole would cheat on his wife... 1062 00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:06,633 before he's even married? 1063 00:55:06,669 --> 00:55:08,967 The same kind of asshole that would make a kid run laps... 1064 00:55:09,004 --> 00:55:10,767 until his nipples bleed. 1065 00:55:10,806 --> 00:55:12,103 Shit! 1066 00:55:21,917 --> 00:55:24,477 Now, then. We gotta go in there. 1067 00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:27,648 Oh, bro, staking out the guy's place is one thing... 1068 00:55:27,690 --> 00:55:29,248 but breaking and entering, that's another. 1069 00:55:29,291 --> 00:55:31,657 Nedderman, we need concrete proof. 1070 00:55:31,694 --> 00:55:32,991 John, I haven't shit my pants... 1071 00:55:33,028 --> 00:55:34,791 since the balance beam in the 7th grade. 1072 00:55:34,830 --> 00:55:37,196 l... l... I'd like to keep it that way. 1073 00:55:37,232 --> 00:55:38,893 And what about your book, chapter 14? 1074 00:55:38,934 --> 00:55:41,528 "Respect other people's boundaries." 1075 00:55:41,570 --> 00:55:43,197 Wait, do you have the book with you? 1076 00:55:43,238 --> 00:55:44,535 Yeah. 1077 00:55:44,573 --> 00:55:45,733 Oh, great. 1078 00:55:47,076 --> 00:55:49,374 Let me see this. See. 1079 00:55:52,214 --> 00:55:55,149 Forget the book! Just forget it! 1080 00:55:56,685 --> 00:55:58,448 I can't take this book anymore! 1081 00:55:58,487 --> 00:56:01,752 'Cause every 30 seconds you're in my ear, like, wah, wah, wah! 1082 00:56:01,790 --> 00:56:05,021 I can't do it, OK? I wrote it, I know what's in it! 1083 00:56:05,060 --> 00:56:08,029 It's crap! I'm done with it, OK? 1084 00:56:10,232 --> 00:56:11,460 What? 1085 00:56:11,500 --> 00:56:13,559 Hey... it's Tracy. 1086 00:56:14,970 --> 00:56:16,767 Hey, Tracy. 1087 00:56:16,805 --> 00:56:19,672 - How are you? - Fine. Um... 1088 00:56:19,708 --> 00:56:21,266 listen, John, about last night. 1089 00:56:21,310 --> 00:56:24,677 You seem like you're in a really weird place right now. 1090 00:56:24,713 --> 00:56:28,945 Really? No, I feel great. 1091 00:56:28,984 --> 00:56:30,110 I really do. 1092 00:56:30,152 --> 00:56:33,315 Well, maybe you should just call me... 1093 00:56:33,355 --> 00:56:36,518 when things are a little more... stable? 1094 00:56:36,558 --> 00:56:38,253 I think that'd be best. 1095 00:56:38,293 --> 00:56:40,318 Oh. 1096 00:56:40,362 --> 00:56:42,353 OK, um... 1097 00:56:43,665 --> 00:56:46,634 I respect your feelings and your decision. l... 1098 00:56:46,668 --> 00:56:48,829 I'm sorry you feel that way. 1099 00:56:48,871 --> 00:56:51,863 All right. Well, take care of yourself, OK? 1100 00:56:53,275 --> 00:56:54,537 Yep, you too. 1101 00:56:54,576 --> 00:56:55,975 Bye. 1102 00:56:56,011 --> 00:56:57,342 Bye. 1103 00:57:03,018 --> 00:57:04,417 OK, this is the plan. 1104 00:57:04,453 --> 00:57:05,977 We're gonna break into Woodcock's place. 1105 00:57:06,021 --> 00:57:07,318 We're gonna plant your video camera... 1106 00:57:07,356 --> 00:57:08,687 then we're gonna catch him cheating on my mom... 1107 00:57:08,724 --> 00:57:10,385 and then we're gonna finish this effing fiasco... 1108 00:57:10,426 --> 00:57:12,121 once and for all, OK? 1109 00:57:12,161 --> 00:57:15,460 Right, Clark, give me the minicam. You're on lookout. 1110 00:57:15,497 --> 00:57:18,159 Anything happens, honk the horn, you understand me? 1111 00:57:34,616 --> 00:57:36,880 Nedderman! It's open. 1112 00:57:47,596 --> 00:57:49,530 What the... 1113 00:57:53,302 --> 00:57:54,997 - What are you doing? - Sor... 1114 00:57:55,037 --> 00:57:56,868 I'm sorry. Sorry. 1115 00:57:56,905 --> 00:57:58,873 - Jesus. - OK. 1116 00:58:20,929 --> 00:58:22,794 Hello, smoking gun. 1117 00:58:31,406 --> 00:58:33,374 Damn it, Clark! 1118 00:58:34,610 --> 00:58:36,407 Oh, shit! 1119 00:58:38,914 --> 00:58:40,472 Nedderman? 1120 00:58:40,516 --> 00:58:42,211 Nedderman! 1121 00:58:52,661 --> 00:58:54,595 Jasper, I'm still upset with you. 1122 00:58:54,630 --> 00:58:56,894 I know, honey, but you know how I get... 1123 00:58:56,932 --> 00:58:59,093 - when I don't have you to myself. - Aah. 1124 00:58:59,134 --> 00:59:01,694 - I just need some... alone time. - What about me? 1125 00:59:01,737 --> 00:59:04,865 Well, honey, it wouldn't be alone time without you. 1126 00:59:04,907 --> 00:59:07,205 - You know what I mean! - Ha ha ha! 1127 00:59:07,242 --> 00:59:10,109 Jasper, you charmer. Oh! 1128 00:59:10,145 --> 00:59:12,978 Mmmmmm! 1129 00:59:13,015 --> 00:59:16,143 Oh, honey. Oh, darling. 1130 00:59:16,184 --> 00:59:17,412 Bad boy! 1131 00:59:20,088 --> 00:59:23,057 - Feel good, baby? - Yes! Yes! 1132 00:59:23,091 --> 00:59:24,581 Rhetorical question, Beverly! 1133 00:59:24,626 --> 00:59:27,151 - Oh, God! Oh, God! - Oh, yeah! 1134 00:59:27,195 --> 00:59:29,186 - Feel the love! - I don't want to black out again. 1135 00:59:29,231 --> 00:59:31,096 The finish line's in sight, honey. 1136 00:59:36,438 --> 00:59:38,599 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 1137 00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:41,541 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! 1138 00:59:52,187 --> 00:59:54,712 That was way better than anything on the internet. 1139 01:00:02,731 --> 01:00:04,198 Excuse me, may I have your attention? 1140 01:00:04,232 --> 01:00:06,996 Uh, if everyone would, uh... would grab a seat... 1141 01:00:07,035 --> 01:00:08,969 and I get the honorees up on stage... 1142 01:00:09,004 --> 01:00:10,301 we can get started. 1143 01:00:10,339 --> 01:00:13,900 For the past 26 years, Jasper Woodcock's name... 1144 01:00:13,942 --> 01:00:17,742 has been synonymous with the words "physical education". 1145 01:00:17,779 --> 01:00:19,178 Now, before we get to the presentation... 1146 01:00:19,214 --> 01:00:20,511 let's hear from some of the people... 1147 01:00:20,549 --> 01:00:24,645 whose lives have been touched by this great man. 1148 01:00:24,686 --> 01:00:26,313 Honey, where were you? 1149 01:00:26,355 --> 01:00:28,585 I thought you were gonna ride with us. I was worried. 1150 01:00:28,624 --> 01:00:31,821 Sorry, Mom. l... I needed some alone time. 1151 01:00:31,860 --> 01:00:33,828 Oh. 1152 01:00:33,862 --> 01:00:38,925 My name is Zoe. And last summer, my cat Raisins ran away. 1153 01:00:38,967 --> 01:00:42,733 That man found her. Her collar was caught on a fence. 1154 01:00:42,771 --> 01:00:45,899 She was dead from stran... gulation. 1155 01:00:45,941 --> 01:00:47,875 But she's in heaven now. 1156 01:00:47,909 --> 01:00:50,605 Thank you for finding Raisins, Mr. Woodcock. 1157 01:00:55,384 --> 01:00:56,851 You're kidding me. 1158 01:00:56,885 --> 01:00:58,250 When I was in his class... 1159 01:00:58,286 --> 01:01:00,948 Mr. Woodcock found a brick of marijuana in my locker. 1160 01:01:00,989 --> 01:01:04,550 He could have sent me to the principal, but no. 1161 01:01:04,593 --> 01:01:06,652 He called the cops. 1162 01:01:06,695 --> 01:01:10,563 And instead of going to detention I did 6 years in juvi. 1163 01:01:10,599 --> 01:01:14,194 Where I found my lord and savior, Jesus Christ. 1164 01:01:14,236 --> 01:01:15,396 Jesus Christ! 1165 01:01:15,437 --> 01:01:18,804 And I have been mostly drug-free ever since. 1166 01:01:18,840 --> 01:01:22,139 Thank you, Mr. Woodcock. 1167 01:01:22,177 --> 01:01:24,611 "Mr. Woodcock is one of the best teachers. 1168 01:01:24,646 --> 01:01:26,739 "He taught me how to play hard and never give up. 1169 01:01:26,782 --> 01:01:32,118 "Because of him, I got a scholarship to play football. 1170 01:01:32,154 --> 01:01:33,917 "In college." 1171 01:01:34,890 --> 01:01:37,552 Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Woodcock. 1172 01:01:37,592 --> 01:01:39,150 What the fuck? 1173 01:01:40,062 --> 01:01:42,087 Woodcock never talks down to us. 1174 01:01:42,130 --> 01:01:44,098 He treats us just like everyone else. 1175 01:01:44,132 --> 01:01:46,032 I named my kid after Woodcock. 1176 01:01:46,635 --> 01:01:48,535 Woodcock taught me how to be a man. 1177 01:01:48,570 --> 01:01:50,333 Woodcock taught me how to be a man. 1178 01:01:50,372 --> 01:01:52,499 Woodcock taught me how to be a man. 1179 01:01:53,241 --> 01:01:54,538 Woodcock taught me CPR. 1180 01:01:54,576 --> 01:01:56,271 - Woodcock saved my life. - Bullshit! 1181 01:01:56,311 --> 01:01:57,300 - Woodcock... - Woodcock... 1182 01:01:57,345 --> 01:01:58,334 - Woodcock... - Woodcock... 1183 01:01:58,380 --> 01:01:59,677 Woodcock... 1184 01:01:59,715 --> 01:02:01,080 - Woodcock. - Woodcock. 1185 01:02:01,116 --> 01:02:03,380 Jasper Woodcock. 1186 01:02:03,418 --> 01:02:05,443 Educator of the Year. 1187 01:02:16,765 --> 01:02:18,494 Go, Jasper! 1188 01:02:19,801 --> 01:02:22,099 Thanks a lot. Uh... 1189 01:02:23,371 --> 01:02:25,271 appreciate it. 1190 01:02:30,612 --> 01:02:32,011 Ha ha ha. 1191 01:02:32,047 --> 01:02:34,015 That's, uh... that's good stuff, Jasper. Thank you. 1192 01:02:34,049 --> 01:02:35,107 Unbelievable! 1193 01:02:35,150 --> 01:02:37,983 We have one more award to give out. 1194 01:02:40,889 --> 01:02:43,483 The Corn Cob Key. 1195 01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:47,458 Given to those who go off into the world... 1196 01:02:47,496 --> 01:02:49,987 and make Forest Meadow proud. 1197 01:02:50,031 --> 01:02:51,828 Right. 1198 01:02:51,867 --> 01:02:55,564 Ladies and gentlemen, John Farley! 1199 01:03:11,319 --> 01:03:13,378 Ha ha ha. 1200 01:03:16,258 --> 01:03:18,726 Are you guys out of your minds? 1201 01:03:18,760 --> 01:03:20,352 Ha ha ha. 1202 01:03:21,396 --> 01:03:24,263 Seriously. Am I the only one... 1203 01:03:24,299 --> 01:03:25,527 that thinks that Woodcock's like... 1204 01:03:25,567 --> 01:03:27,194 the biggest asshole on the planet? 1205 01:03:34,376 --> 01:03:35,638 I mean, for 26 years... 1206 01:03:35,677 --> 01:03:38,441 this guy's been pelting children with basketballs... 1207 01:03:38,480 --> 01:03:39,708 at point-blank range. 1208 01:03:39,748 --> 01:03:41,375 And now you're giving him an award for it? 1209 01:03:41,416 --> 01:03:43,509 - He should be in jail! - Johnny. Johnny. 1210 01:03:43,552 --> 01:03:46,043 I mean, is there any question that he strangled this girl's cat? 1211 01:03:46,087 --> 01:03:48,851 What... what was her name, Raisins? Yeah, you know what? 1212 01:03:48,890 --> 01:03:51,381 Go home, dig up Raisins, perform an autopsy on him... 1213 01:03:51,426 --> 01:03:53,986 you'll find out it wasn't an accident. 1214 01:03:54,029 --> 01:03:57,021 Dogs don't strangle cats. Sadistic gym teachers do. 1215 01:03:59,568 --> 01:04:00,398 OK. 1216 01:04:00,435 --> 01:04:02,596 Somebody put something in the punch again this year! 1217 01:04:02,637 --> 01:04:04,901 Wait, wait. No, no, I'm serious! 1218 01:04:04,940 --> 01:04:07,306 Look, he hates children. 1219 01:04:08,577 --> 01:04:10,442 He killed one of my classmates. 1220 01:04:10,478 --> 01:04:12,878 Yeah, after years of his abuse... 1221 01:04:12,914 --> 01:04:14,347 Trevor Oates took his own life... 1222 01:04:14,382 --> 01:04:16,407 and he died because of Woodcock. 1223 01:04:16,451 --> 01:04:18,681 No, I didn't. 1224 01:04:20,355 --> 01:04:23,222 - Oates, I thought you were dead. - No. 1225 01:04:23,258 --> 01:04:25,556 I had minor surgery a few years back. 1226 01:04:25,594 --> 01:04:28,927 You know, to help with my wheezing. 1227 01:04:30,465 --> 01:04:34,162 Whatever. Oates is alive. Whoop-di-doo! Who gives a shit? 1228 01:04:34,202 --> 01:04:35,999 - Johnny. - I'm sorry. 1229 01:04:36,037 --> 01:04:37,766 I'm sorry. I know you hate to hear that. 1230 01:04:37,806 --> 01:04:39,467 He's not what you think. 1231 01:04:39,507 --> 01:04:41,532 You're brainwashed, people! 1232 01:04:41,576 --> 01:04:44,443 Oh, just ask his ex-wife right there, Sally Jensen. 1233 01:04:44,479 --> 01:04:45,844 Tell them about all the man whoring... 1234 01:04:45,881 --> 01:04:48,349 he did behind your back when you were married. 1235 01:04:48,383 --> 01:04:50,908 Well, I think most of you know I cheated on him. 1236 01:04:50,952 --> 01:04:53,250 I'm... I'm sorry. What? You cheated on him? 1237 01:04:53,288 --> 01:04:56,883 A lot. I couldn't help it. I was a sex addict. 1238 01:04:56,925 --> 01:04:58,017 Am. 1239 01:04:58,493 --> 01:04:59,983 Uh, was. 1240 01:05:01,363 --> 01:05:02,853 Am. Ha ha ha. 1241 01:05:02,898 --> 01:05:04,024 Yeah. 1242 01:05:04,065 --> 01:05:05,362 All right, let's go. 1243 01:05:05,400 --> 01:05:07,960 That's enough. That's enough of that! 1244 01:05:09,471 --> 01:05:11,905 - He's cheating on my mom! - Johnny, sit down right now. 1245 01:05:11,940 --> 01:05:14,306 - That's enough, Farley. - I'm sorry, Mom. 1246 01:05:14,342 --> 01:05:15,900 You've been sneaking behind my mom's back... 1247 01:05:15,944 --> 01:05:17,411 with that blonde whore... 1248 01:05:17,445 --> 01:05:20,141 right there, haven't you? 1249 01:05:20,181 --> 01:05:21,910 That's my realtor, you moron. 1250 01:05:21,950 --> 01:05:25,044 I was trying to surprise your mother with a new house. 1251 01:05:25,086 --> 01:05:29,079 Well, how come I found her panties in your bedroom? 1252 01:05:32,994 --> 01:05:35,087 Those are your mother's, Farley. 1253 01:05:35,130 --> 01:05:36,961 Mom? 1254 01:05:36,998 --> 01:05:39,831 Yeah. OK, Farley, you and me, out in the hallway right now. 1255 01:05:39,868 --> 01:05:41,267 Now! 1256 01:05:41,303 --> 01:05:43,271 - Uhh! - You disrespectful little shit! 1257 01:05:43,305 --> 01:05:46,172 I'm gonna give you a good old-fashioned Nebraska ass-whipping... 1258 01:05:46,207 --> 01:05:47,435 till you shit yourself. 1259 01:05:47,475 --> 01:05:48,874 Bring it, bro! 1260 01:05:48,910 --> 01:05:50,605 I don't know what I'm gonna enjoy more tonight... 1261 01:05:50,645 --> 01:05:52,510 kicking your ass or nailing your mother. 1262 01:05:52,547 --> 01:05:54,276 - Oh! - Let go of my son, Jasper. 1263 01:05:56,985 --> 01:05:59,783 - Uh, Bev... - Let go of my son. 1264 01:05:59,821 --> 01:06:01,755 - Bev, l... - You two are unbelievable. 1265 01:06:01,790 --> 01:06:05,317 You won't be civil even though it hurts and humiliates me. 1266 01:06:16,471 --> 01:06:17,802 Mom! 1267 01:06:27,515 --> 01:06:29,813 Mom, are you OK? 1268 01:06:29,851 --> 01:06:32,411 Go away, John. Leave me alone. 1269 01:06:38,460 --> 01:06:39,586 Maggie? 1270 01:06:39,627 --> 01:06:42,323 I have been carting around your damn luggage since Denver! 1271 01:06:42,364 --> 01:06:45,697 Thanks to you blowing off the most powerful woman in America... 1272 01:06:45,734 --> 01:06:48,202 Walden Books has canceled the rest of your appearances. 1273 01:06:48,236 --> 01:06:50,602 - I don't believe this. - I know. 1274 01:06:50,638 --> 01:06:53,300 If only someone had warned you! 1275 01:06:53,341 --> 01:06:55,571 - So it's over. - No, not exactly. 1276 01:06:55,610 --> 01:06:57,601 When you hear about this, you're gonna want to take me... 1277 01:06:57,645 --> 01:06:59,704 right here in your mommy's house. 1278 01:06:59,748 --> 01:07:01,648 But first I have to pee. Where's the bathroom? 1279 01:07:01,683 --> 01:07:04,151 You have indoor plumbing in here, right? 1280 01:07:04,185 --> 01:07:05,777 It's not like you deserve the extra effort... 1281 01:07:05,820 --> 01:07:08,448 but since my reputation's on the line, I called in a favor. 1282 01:07:08,490 --> 01:07:10,082 You're gonna do a remote interview... 1283 01:07:10,125 --> 01:07:11,683 on The Tyra Banks Show! 1284 01:07:11,726 --> 01:07:14,490 Tomorrow, 9am, the diva of daytime talk... 1285 01:07:14,529 --> 01:07:16,326 is gonna talk to you live... 1286 01:07:16,364 --> 01:07:19,663 right from this dingy little shithole you call home. 1287 01:07:19,701 --> 01:07:21,931 Fine, good, whatever you need. 1288 01:07:23,705 --> 01:07:25,764 What I need is for you to focus... 1289 01:07:25,807 --> 01:07:28,173 get it together, and point me to the nearest liquor store. 1290 01:07:28,209 --> 01:07:29,608 OK? 1291 01:07:33,114 --> 01:07:35,173 OK, Tyra Banks, very nice. 1292 01:07:35,216 --> 01:07:39,175 But if you do not know your shit she will gut you like a fish. 1293 01:07:39,220 --> 01:07:41,120 Oh, my Lord. 1294 01:07:43,458 --> 01:07:45,688 You look very beautiful, Mrs. Farley. 1295 01:07:45,727 --> 01:07:46,853 Thank you. 1296 01:07:46,895 --> 01:07:49,762 She does know what decade it is, right? 1297 01:07:49,798 --> 01:07:51,163 Mom, what are you doing? 1298 01:07:51,199 --> 01:07:53,861 - I'm going to Cornival. - Ha ha ha. 1299 01:07:53,902 --> 01:07:56,097 I'm sorry, you hicks just crack me up. 1300 01:07:58,706 --> 01:08:00,333 Are you sure? I mean... 1301 01:08:00,375 --> 01:08:02,969 After last night, you know... 1302 01:08:03,011 --> 01:08:06,276 I have certain obligations. I'm still the Corn Cob Queen. 1303 01:08:06,314 --> 01:08:10,614 - Ha ha ha. - But you'll be by yourself. 1304 01:08:10,652 --> 01:08:13,212 John, I have been alone on that float for 20 years. 1305 01:08:13,254 --> 01:08:15,313 I think I can handle it. 1306 01:08:15,990 --> 01:08:18,322 Mom, I'm so sorry about last night. 1307 01:08:18,359 --> 01:08:21,556 I... just totally lost my head. 1308 01:08:22,964 --> 01:08:25,762 Do you remember Mr. Spanger? 1309 01:08:25,800 --> 01:08:27,734 He was the first man that I tried to date... 1310 01:08:27,769 --> 01:08:29,794 after your father died. I think you were 6. 1311 01:08:29,838 --> 01:08:31,863 And you ran away from the baby-sitter... 1312 01:08:31,906 --> 01:08:34,670 and we spent the entire night trying to find you. 1313 01:08:34,709 --> 01:08:37,007 Yeah, I was under the sink. 1314 01:08:38,680 --> 01:08:41,808 Well, every time a man asked me out, you either got sick... 1315 01:08:41,850 --> 01:08:43,681 or you threw a tantrum... 1316 01:08:43,718 --> 01:08:50,385 or you egged the car, or you did something until I just gave up. 1317 01:08:50,425 --> 01:08:54,691 Did you ever think of how I felt... 1318 01:08:54,729 --> 01:08:57,721 on my own all these years? 1319 01:08:59,033 --> 01:09:01,695 Uh, I guess... 1320 01:09:01,736 --> 01:09:03,795 I thought you... had me. 1321 01:09:07,375 --> 01:09:08,933 Oh. 1322 01:09:16,684 --> 01:09:18,345 All right, Mr. Farley. 20 seconds. 1323 01:09:18,386 --> 01:09:21,651 Hey, game face. Let's put the hillbilly drama on hold. 1324 01:09:21,689 --> 01:09:24,487 America is waiting. You look great. 1325 01:09:24,526 --> 01:09:27,017 - This is gonna be fun. - 15 seconds. 1326 01:09:29,831 --> 01:09:32,493 - I can't do this. - OK, I understand. 1327 01:09:32,534 --> 01:09:34,126 - That's fine. - Really? 1328 01:09:34,169 --> 01:09:35,602 Of course not! 1329 01:09:35,637 --> 01:09:38,128 Now sit your ass down and get in front of the camera. 1330 01:09:38,173 --> 01:09:40,698 Quiet on set. 1331 01:09:40,742 --> 01:09:45,270 - All right, people, we're on the air in 3, 2... - Smile. 1332 01:09:47,015 --> 01:09:48,676 When I read my next guest's book... 1333 01:09:48,716 --> 01:09:51,549 I knew I had to have him on The Tyra Show. 1334 01:09:51,586 --> 01:09:53,918 He's the best-selling author of Letting Go... 1335 01:09:53,955 --> 01:09:56,219 How To Get Past Your Past. 1336 01:09:56,257 --> 01:09:59,317 Please welcome, via satellite from Forest Meadow, Nebraska... 1337 01:09:59,360 --> 01:10:00,918 John Farley! 1338 01:10:00,962 --> 01:10:02,190 Hey, John, how you doing? 1339 01:10:02,230 --> 01:10:03,595 I feel great. 1340 01:10:03,631 --> 01:10:05,531 Well, good. You should. 1341 01:10:05,567 --> 01:10:06,727 I mean, your book is inspiring... 1342 01:10:06,768 --> 01:10:08,895 so many people across this country. 1343 01:10:08,937 --> 01:10:11,770 Who's been your biggest inspiration? 1344 01:10:11,806 --> 01:10:13,296 - Uh, my mom. - Aah. 1345 01:10:13,341 --> 01:10:16,139 See, my mom is my biggest inspiration too. 1346 01:10:16,177 --> 01:10:18,475 I mean, I would not be where I am today were it not... 1347 01:10:18,513 --> 01:10:21,209 Johnny, do you ever think of... 1348 01:10:21,249 --> 01:10:25,083 what it was like for me to be on my own all those years? 1349 01:10:25,119 --> 01:10:27,952 I mean, come on, you guys, give it up for mommas everywhere! 1350 01:10:27,989 --> 01:10:29,251 Whoo! 1351 01:10:30,558 --> 01:10:32,685 I'm... I'm sorry. I gotta go. 1352 01:10:39,334 --> 01:10:41,359 - John? - You go back in there! 1353 01:10:41,402 --> 01:10:43,893 - No, I won't! - Go in there and sell that goddamn book! 1354 01:10:43,938 --> 01:10:45,303 No, I won't! My mom needs me! 1355 01:10:45,340 --> 01:10:46,739 I don't give a shit! 1356 01:10:46,774 --> 01:10:48,207 You're gonna go in there and say something... 1357 01:10:48,243 --> 01:10:49,972 or I'm gonna shove my arm up your ass... 1358 01:10:50,011 --> 01:10:51,273 and work you like a puppet! 1359 01:10:51,312 --> 01:10:52,301 Let go of me! 1360 01:10:54,315 --> 01:10:56,180 Fine! Run, you pussy! 1361 01:10:56,217 --> 01:10:58,310 - Go back to your mommy! - What a bitch! 1362 01:10:58,353 --> 01:11:01,322 See if I care! 1363 01:11:01,356 --> 01:11:02,550 Quiet, please! 1364 01:11:02,590 --> 01:11:04,490 I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! 1365 01:11:05,960 --> 01:11:10,294 Ha ha ha. OK, John, take care. He's helping people. 1366 01:11:45,033 --> 01:11:47,900 - You back for more? - Look. 1367 01:11:47,935 --> 01:11:50,199 I screwed up, OK? 1368 01:11:50,238 --> 01:11:51,865 Big time. 1369 01:11:51,906 --> 01:11:55,342 I shouldn't have meddled. l... 1370 01:11:55,376 --> 01:11:57,503 I'm... sorry. 1371 01:12:00,315 --> 01:12:02,010 Are you wearing make-up? 1372 01:12:03,084 --> 01:12:05,382 The truth is... 1373 01:12:05,420 --> 01:12:08,685 I did it because I wanted my mom to be happy. 1374 01:12:08,723 --> 01:12:11,419 And as it turns out, the thing that makes my mom happy... 1375 01:12:11,459 --> 01:12:13,051 unbelievably... 1376 01:12:13,094 --> 01:12:15,289 is you. 1377 01:12:15,330 --> 01:12:16,991 It's too late. 1378 01:12:17,031 --> 01:12:19,124 She's made her mind up, Farley. 1379 01:12:19,167 --> 01:12:21,727 What? My mom's the best thing that's ever happened to you. 1380 01:12:21,769 --> 01:12:24,169 One day you'll date girls and you'll understand. 1381 01:12:24,205 --> 01:12:26,935 Once a woman makes her mind up... 1382 01:12:26,974 --> 01:12:28,566 there's no changing it. 1383 01:12:28,609 --> 01:12:31,043 Oh, I get it. You're scared. 1384 01:12:31,079 --> 01:12:34,014 Your last marriage fell apart because she was cheating on you. 1385 01:12:34,048 --> 01:12:37,540 Again and again and again. 1386 01:12:37,585 --> 01:12:40,748 The woman's a deviant, Farley. Who cares? 1387 01:12:40,788 --> 01:12:43,518 So you're scared of getting hurt again? 1388 01:12:43,558 --> 01:12:45,822 Hey, spare me the self-help crap, OK? 1389 01:12:45,860 --> 01:12:47,987 You're not a guru. You're a spoiled little kid... 1390 01:12:48,029 --> 01:12:51,192 who can't seem to let go of his momma's right tit. 1391 01:12:51,232 --> 01:12:52,859 Oh, yeah? 1392 01:12:52,900 --> 01:12:55,027 Well, you're just a pussy with a whistle! 1393 01:12:59,207 --> 01:13:00,799 Really? 1394 01:13:00,842 --> 01:13:02,673 You cocky little shit. 1395 01:13:02,710 --> 01:13:04,268 Do you actually think you're tougher than me? 1396 01:13:05,179 --> 01:13:08,273 Oh. Any time, any place. 1397 01:13:16,257 --> 01:13:18,350 Get the rentals, Farley. 1398 01:13:30,471 --> 01:13:32,371 Seems like old times, doesn't it? 1399 01:13:32,407 --> 01:13:35,376 Yeah, well, a new day has come. 1400 01:13:35,410 --> 01:13:37,207 Ooh! 1401 01:13:37,245 --> 01:13:39,372 That was called a takedown, Farley. 1402 01:13:39,414 --> 01:13:43,714 OK. So that's how it's gonna be, huh? 1403 01:13:50,625 --> 01:13:52,149 Ah! 1404 01:13:52,193 --> 01:13:54,058 Yep, now I'm gonna bring it, Woodcock. 1405 01:13:54,095 --> 01:13:56,427 You never shut up, do you? 1406 01:13:56,464 --> 01:13:58,523 Why don't you make me? 1407 01:14:03,037 --> 01:14:05,403 Time to earn your wings, Farley. 1408 01:14:06,607 --> 01:14:08,541 It's called a suplex, Farley. 1409 01:14:08,576 --> 01:14:10,168 It's one of my favorites. 1410 01:14:10,211 --> 01:14:12,543 Here's another one of my favorites. 1411 01:14:12,580 --> 01:14:15,208 The Vietcong shuffle. 1412 01:14:15,249 --> 01:14:18,047 The reverse Vietcong shuffle! 1413 01:14:18,085 --> 01:14:19,916 Here comes the thunder, Woodcock! 1414 01:14:20,955 --> 01:14:21,944 Ooh! 1415 01:14:25,059 --> 01:14:27,186 Heads up, Farley. 1416 01:14:28,262 --> 01:14:30,492 - Say uncle! - Pussy! 1417 01:14:30,531 --> 01:14:32,590 - Say it! - Pussy! 1418 01:14:33,734 --> 01:14:34,758 Ow! 1419 01:14:38,206 --> 01:14:40,766 Russian headlock! 1420 01:14:40,808 --> 01:14:43,743 The gym teacher body slam! 1421 01:14:47,648 --> 01:14:49,081 Are you OK? 1422 01:14:49,116 --> 01:14:51,482 Rhetorical question, Woodcock! 1423 01:15:00,027 --> 01:15:02,723 You remember me now, don't you? 1424 01:15:02,763 --> 01:15:04,458 - Bitch! - Uh! Uh! 1425 01:15:12,607 --> 01:15:14,302 Mr. Woodcock? 1426 01:15:16,844 --> 01:15:18,311 Oh, shit. 1427 01:15:28,556 --> 01:15:32,048 Got a white male, 50s, possible concussion. 1428 01:15:33,160 --> 01:15:35,185 What are those? Bite marks? 1429 01:15:35,229 --> 01:15:36,560 Uh... 1430 01:15:38,299 --> 01:15:40,631 Come on, Scooter. Get that mask off of me. 1431 01:15:40,668 --> 01:15:43,159 Oh, thank God. I thought I'd killed you. 1432 01:15:43,204 --> 01:15:46,367 You couldn't kill me with a shotgun and a head start, Farley. 1433 01:15:46,407 --> 01:15:49,240 Said by the man flat on his back in an ambulance. 1434 01:15:49,277 --> 01:15:54,340 Yeah, well, it's about time you showed some backbone. 1435 01:15:54,382 --> 01:15:56,009 Is that a compliment? 1436 01:15:56,050 --> 01:15:57,210 Farley, I'm just saying... 1437 01:15:57,251 --> 01:16:00,220 that you showed some sack out there today, OK? 1438 01:16:00,254 --> 01:16:01,744 Wow. 1439 01:16:01,789 --> 01:16:04,917 Maybe there is a human being hiding in there somewhere. 1440 01:16:04,959 --> 01:16:07,860 I mean, seriously, why can't you be nice to people? 1441 01:16:07,895 --> 01:16:11,524 lt... it's not healthy being such a dick all the time. 1442 01:16:11,566 --> 01:16:13,329 You're gonna end up like your dad... 1443 01:16:13,367 --> 01:16:16,234 just angry and bitter and alone. 1444 01:16:16,270 --> 01:16:19,034 If that's what you want, then fine, but I don't think it is. 1445 01:16:19,073 --> 01:16:22,531 Now, right now, my mom is on that float all by herself... 1446 01:16:22,577 --> 01:16:25,045 really wishing that you were up there with her. 1447 01:16:25,079 --> 01:16:27,570 The problem is... 1448 01:16:27,615 --> 01:16:31,176 I don't think you got the backbone to win her back. 1449 01:16:31,218 --> 01:16:33,083 Oh, really? 1450 01:16:36,958 --> 01:16:38,653 Watch out! 1451 01:16:40,328 --> 01:16:42,387 Come on, Farley! Step up the pace! 1452 01:16:42,430 --> 01:16:44,295 I could if you weren't such a fat ass! 1453 01:16:44,332 --> 01:16:46,425 Watch out! Excuse me! 1454 01:16:46,467 --> 01:16:47,991 - Keppen! You're off tempo! - Aah! 1455 01:16:48,035 --> 01:16:50,230 - Watch out! - You're flat, Mount-Gardner. 1456 01:16:50,271 --> 01:16:52,296 - Excuse us! Hey! - Oh! 1457 01:16:52,340 --> 01:16:54,501 Excuse us! 1458 01:16:54,542 --> 01:16:55,634 Come on, Farley! 1459 01:16:55,676 --> 01:16:58,839 - Mom! Mom! - Beverly! Beverly! 1460 01:16:58,879 --> 01:17:01,370 Oh, my God, what happened? 1461 01:17:01,415 --> 01:17:03,610 Jasper, why are you on that gurney? 1462 01:17:03,651 --> 01:17:07,280 I don't know, honey, but I'm here to say that... 1463 01:17:07,321 --> 01:17:09,016 I'm basically sorry. 1464 01:17:09,056 --> 01:17:10,819 Basically sorry? 1465 01:17:10,858 --> 01:17:13,418 Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock... 1466 01:17:13,461 --> 01:17:15,122 that's a huge step. 1467 01:17:15,162 --> 01:17:17,960 Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing, OK? 1468 01:17:17,999 --> 01:17:19,489 This is all my fault. 1469 01:17:19,533 --> 01:17:21,433 Just give it another shot. 1470 01:17:21,469 --> 01:17:23,369 'Cause my lungs are about to explode. 1471 01:17:23,404 --> 01:17:25,634 Please, honey. 1472 01:17:30,911 --> 01:17:32,674 - Oh! - Oh, my God! 1473 01:17:33,881 --> 01:17:35,906 Stop! Stop! 1474 01:17:37,284 --> 01:17:39,980 Mr. Woodcock! 1475 01:17:40,021 --> 01:17:41,716 You OK? 1476 01:17:41,756 --> 01:17:43,747 Nice work, Farley. 1477 01:17:43,791 --> 01:17:47,386 There's one pothole in this town and you managed to find it. 1478 01:17:47,428 --> 01:17:49,658 Jasper! Oh, my God. 1479 01:17:49,697 --> 01:17:51,494 Oh, my God, Jasper. 1480 01:17:51,532 --> 01:17:53,591 Jasper. 1481 01:17:53,634 --> 01:17:55,625 Are you OK? 1482 01:17:59,807 --> 01:18:02,742 I'm sorry, Mom. 1483 01:18:02,777 --> 01:18:04,904 I thought I was doing the right thing. 1484 01:18:04,945 --> 01:18:06,674 By killing him? 1485 01:18:06,714 --> 01:18:09,342 I called 911, didn't I? 1486 01:18:09,383 --> 01:18:12,216 Ha ha ha. Yes. 1487 01:18:12,253 --> 01:18:15,051 For what it's worth, I want you to be with Jasper. 1488 01:18:15,089 --> 01:18:18,217 - I don't believe you. - I do. l... 1489 01:18:19,527 --> 01:18:22,189 If it means anything at all... 1490 01:18:22,229 --> 01:18:23,924 you have my blessing. 1491 01:18:30,671 --> 01:18:32,730 You can see Mr. Woodcock now. 1492 01:18:37,945 --> 01:18:39,173 Listen, uh... 1493 01:18:41,315 --> 01:18:44,546 I just want to say I'm... I'm sorry... 1494 01:18:44,585 --> 01:18:47,782 About the "nailing your mother" comment there. 1495 01:18:53,327 --> 01:18:54,658 That's it? 1496 01:18:55,696 --> 01:18:56,685 What do you mean? 1497 01:18:56,731 --> 01:18:58,528 I thought you would apologize for... 1498 01:18:58,566 --> 01:19:00,397 Mom, Mom. 1499 01:19:00,434 --> 01:19:04,632 I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe, coming from me. 1500 01:19:04,672 --> 01:19:07,607 But Jasper is a good person. 1501 01:19:07,641 --> 01:19:10,132 You see, somewhere around the time Jasper was choking me... 1502 01:19:10,177 --> 01:19:12,771 - Yeah, with your own foot. - Right. 1503 01:19:12,813 --> 01:19:15,714 I had a revelation. 1504 01:19:15,750 --> 01:19:17,809 You don't get past your past. 1505 01:19:17,852 --> 01:19:20,116 You embrace it. 1506 01:19:20,154 --> 01:19:22,088 And I'm not that fat little loser anymore... 1507 01:19:22,123 --> 01:19:23,647 and that's because he pushed me. 1508 01:19:23,691 --> 01:19:27,923 And, in a really weird way... 1509 01:19:27,962 --> 01:19:30,089 he's a big part of who I am today. 1510 01:19:33,033 --> 01:19:36,434 For Christ's sakes, it was just a P.E. class, you fruitcake. 1511 01:19:36,470 --> 01:19:38,665 - Jasper! - Well, it was. 1512 01:19:41,675 --> 01:19:42,835 See? 1513 01:19:44,078 --> 01:19:45,875 Set of ten, Farley. 1514 01:19:45,913 --> 01:19:47,938 - What? - Just joking. 1515 01:19:52,186 --> 01:19:55,986 # I see a bad moon rising # 1516 01:19:57,358 --> 01:20:00,816 # I see trouble on the way # 1517 01:20:02,897 --> 01:20:06,492 # I see earthquakes and lightning # 1518 01:20:08,235 --> 01:20:10,931 Merry Christmas, Woodcock. 1519 01:20:10,971 --> 01:20:12,962 Merry Christmas, Farley. 1520 01:20:15,576 --> 01:20:17,407 I read your book. 1521 01:20:17,444 --> 01:20:19,810 Really? What did you think? 1522 01:20:19,847 --> 01:20:22,475 Well, that part about, uh, treating others... 1523 01:20:22,516 --> 01:20:24,484 how you want to be treated, I guess that's all right. 1524 01:20:24,518 --> 01:20:27,851 Yeah, I sort of stole that from the Bible, but... 1525 01:20:27,888 --> 01:20:29,788 I'll take credit for it. 1526 01:20:29,824 --> 01:20:32,622 The rest of it's pretty much crap. 1527 01:20:33,828 --> 01:20:35,625 What the hell, man? That's my book! 1528 01:20:35,663 --> 01:20:37,221 It's my book, Farley. 1529 01:20:37,264 --> 01:20:39,960 You gave it to me. I can do with it as I please. 1530 01:20:40,000 --> 01:20:43,436 # I hear the voice of rage and ruin # 1531 01:20:45,573 --> 01:20:47,837 # Don't go around tonight # 1532 01:20:47,875 --> 01:20:50,969 # Well, it's bound to take your life # 1533 01:20:51,011 --> 01:20:54,071 Oh, hey. Look, your new book. 1534 01:20:54,114 --> 01:20:56,014 - Congrats, John. - Let me see. 1535 01:20:56,050 --> 01:20:58,678 - Congratulations. - Oh, my gosh. Look at that. 1536 01:20:59,620 --> 01:21:01,485 Oh, wow. 1537 01:21:01,522 --> 01:21:02,819 Yeah, it's really, really good, John. 1538 01:21:02,857 --> 01:21:04,791 Wow, you read it? 1539 01:21:04,825 --> 01:21:06,759 Don't make me lie on Christmas. 1540 01:21:06,794 --> 01:21:08,523 Well, as long as we're congratulating people... 1541 01:21:08,562 --> 01:21:10,325 Beverly and I have a little announcement. 1542 01:21:10,364 --> 01:21:13,060 Recently, uh, one of my swimmers took hold... 1543 01:21:13,100 --> 01:21:14,089 Mm! 1544 01:21:14,134 --> 01:21:16,568 And, uh, your mother's got a little Woodcock in her. 1545 01:21:18,672 --> 01:21:19,696 What? 1546 01:21:19,740 --> 01:21:21,867 You're gonna be a big brother, Farley. 1547 01:21:23,277 --> 01:21:24,904 Just joking. 1548 01:21:36,056 --> 01:21:37,751 # It could be ten but then again # 1549 01:21:37,791 --> 01:21:42,785 # I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four # 1550 01:21:42,830 --> 01:21:45,264 # Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa # 1551 01:21:45,299 --> 01:21:48,496 # And you leave me with my jaw on the floor # 1552 01:21:48,535 --> 01:21:49,866 # Hey! # 1553 01:21:52,006 --> 01:21:55,373 # Oh, just when you think you're in control # 1554 01:21:55,409 --> 01:21:57,536 # Just when you think you've got a hold # 1555 01:21:57,578 --> 01:21:59,307 # Just when you got on a roll # 1556 01:21:59,346 --> 01:22:02,577 # Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again # 1557 01:22:02,616 --> 01:22:04,447 # Oh, here it goes again # 1558 01:22:04,485 --> 01:22:07,420 # I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again # 1559 01:22:07,454 --> 01:22:10,287 # Oh, here it goes again # 1560 01:22:10,324 --> 01:22:12,485 # Oh, oh, here it goes again # 1561 01:22:15,696 --> 01:22:18,392 # It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy # 1562 01:22:18,432 --> 01:22:21,993 # Something inching past the edge of reserve # 1563 01:22:22,036 --> 01:22:25,130 # Now through the lines of cheap Venetian blinds # 1564 01:22:25,172 --> 01:22:27,800 # Your car is pulling off of the curb # 1565 01:22:27,841 --> 01:22:29,331 # Hey! # 1566 01:22:31,445 --> 01:22:34,642 # Oh, just when you think you're in control # 1567 01:22:34,682 --> 01:22:36,912 # Just when you think you've got a hold # 1568 01:22:36,951 --> 01:22:38,851 # Just when you've got on a roll # 1569 01:22:38,886 --> 01:22:41,878 # Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again # 1570 01:22:41,922 --> 01:22:43,651 # Oh, here it goes again # 1571 01:22:43,691 --> 01:22:46,990 # I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again # 1572 01:22:47,027 --> 01:22:48,824 # But here it goes again # 1573 01:22:48,862 --> 01:22:51,888 # Oh, here it goes, oh, here it goes # 1574 01:22:51,932 --> 01:22:54,059 # Oh, here it goes again # 1575 01:22:54,101 --> 01:22:56,934 # Oh! Oh, here it goes again # 116203