All language subtitles for Jackass 3.5 2011

JACKASS 3.5

Hello, my name is Johnny Knoxville.

Welcome to Jackass!

Thank you very much.

People are always asking me,

"Is there anything
that you just wouldn't do?"

Well, this is it.

It's the Alligator Snapping Turtle,

probably the meanest thing
I'll have ever done to my butt.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

Don't look at him, Steve-O.
Don't look at him.

-Look at him.
-Don't look at him.

Relax, relax.

Don't look at it.

Look at it.

Shit!

Fuck! God damn it!

-Fuck!
-Relax.

-Relax!
-Relax. Just relax.

-Hold your ground.
-Okay.

-Fuck, that must hurt really bad.
-Shit.

-Fuck.
-Are you okay?

-Mama.
-Fuck.

Okay, now he's just no
gonna fucking let go?

I knew this was fucking gonna happen!
He's not letting go!

-Shit.
-Relax. You need to relax.

Fuck!

-The turtle's the problem.
-I'm relaxed! Shit!

This would be horrifying if...

-Relax.
-Relax.

-Okay.
-Relax?

-Who could relax?
-I'm just gonna...

You son...

Jeez, relax, relax.

-Shit!
-Hold it together. Don't pull.

-Don't pull.
-Don't pull.

-It doesn't wanna let go.
-God!

-Oh, my God.
-Fuck!

That was horrifying.

Wow.

-Get him out of here.
-Son of a bitch!

Oh, my God.

He got you good.

Yeah.

There's a reason why I turned that down
for so many years.

I can't see anything!

-Spread your legs.
-Let go. Let go. Drop.

You're good.

You all right?

You want a donut?

This is Barrel Surfing.

Big-barrel surfing's for macho jerks
with a death wish.

No, it's not. It's the ultimate thrill,
the ultimate rush.

Even more than sex.

Well, that depends
on who you're doing it with.

That was pretty good.

Hold them!

I think Bam was great
at it the first time,

and now Dunn's stepped in
to up the failure rate

to an all-time high.

Oh, my God.

I've got a pile of shit in my nose.

I'm Ryan Dunn. This is face surfing.

That scene done yet?

Being on set is 50% fun as hell,

and the other 50%
is just pure anxiety, paranoia...

-Jesus.
-Oh, God.

The only thing I care about
is that it's fucking wet down here.

Shooting a Jackass movie,
it seems super fun,

but it's actually hell

because everyone
is trying to get everyone.

In particular, me, because I've been
a dick to everyone the whole time.

It gets very tense on set
when we're filming Jackass.

You're always
looking over your shoulder.

You just know something horrible
is gonna happen to you.

And it's not like it might. It will.

It's a snapping turtle on a stick.

Fucking with Ehren
is the best thing ever.

Where's he at right now?
I wanna pee on him or something.

Ehren's in there sleeping.

We got Ghetto Defibrillators.

Clear!

Fuck you!

I was worried about you.

Didn't know if you'd died.

I know. You were in here
snoring for three hours, dude.

We didn't know if you'd died.

It's all right. We're doctors.

You guys are dicks.

Can't somebody sleep a little bit
around here?

No. That's the whole point.

Sure, you can sleep.

You know that if you're being pranked,
if it's a good prank,

it's gonna end up in the movie.

And footage is footage.

But definitely, tensions get hot.

And you never know what's gonna happen.

He's not anywhere near you.

He's hiding behind a motherfucking
chain-link fence.

A chain-link fence.

That's worse than this.

He's gonna fucking try
and Rocky my ass right now.

Hey, hey!

Guys, stop.

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop. Come on.

It's cool. Come on.

-What was the name of that bit?
-Chill.

I don't know.

-"Fighting Each Other"?
-"Fight!"

I'm telling you,
it's nerve-racking, dude.

You gotta let out some aggression.

Man, it is nerve-racking as hell.

'Cause 24/7, when we're shooting, all
of us are always attacking each other.

I may be attacking everyone
a little more.

-Fuck!
-What the fuck was that?

I saw a Buster Keaton film where
he had a mini cannon tied to his foot,

and he couldn't get it off his foot.

And I thought it looked funny.

And so, we had one built.

Here.

One of the funniest times
is when I walked up behind Ehren

with the mini cannon,
and I was dressed as a pirate.

Get up and go.

And he kept moving
and I had to keep repositioning,

and finally,
he turns around and busts me.

And so, I have to walk this mini cannon
out of frame,

very un-sneakily,
and it was really awkward.

But he just...
Five minutes, hyper-vigilant,

five minutes goes by,
he forgets about it,

and then I shoot him in the ass.

Fuck, that hurt.

-You got it.
-Asshole.

-Ehren.
-He got us, too.

Shit. Right in the neck.

Arr you mad at me?

What's the bit here, Wee?

All right. So, today, Street Bike Tommy

is gonna come down this ramp
looking like a bowling ball,

launch into all of us standing out here

as the human pins, and knock us down.

-Do I look like the tenpin?
-You do look like the tenpin.

-That's what I am.
-Awesome.

It's pretty slippery out there.

Yeah, and the reason
it's slippery out there,

that's sex lube.

Lube it up, boys.

So, we're getting ready to do a bit
called the Slip 'n' Bowl,

but really, it's just a big ruse to
get all the guys in the middle

of a big, slippery mess, so we can fly
a remote-controlled helicopter in

that has paintball guns
mounted on either side.

It's gonna suck.

Here we go. Quiet, please.

All right. Get your goggles on, guys.

-Goggles on, guys.
-Let's get the intro.

Action!

I'm Street Bike Tommy,
and this is Slip 'n' Bowl.

Go!

I'm almost feeling bad now.

Shit!

Fucking shit!

Fuck!

Fucking assholes.

Fuck.

-Who is that?
-Who is that?

-Dave.
-Dave England.

-That's so...
-Fuck.

Oh, my God.

This whole thing was
just a big, elaborate ruse

to get you on something slippery.

I heard the noise and I was like,

"Are you guys cool
with this, like, sound?"

-Yeah, I was thinking...
-And then, all of a sudden, I saw

-the camera, and I was like...
-I wasn't in the bit.

I wasn't around, and I'm like,

"If they see me not around,
they're gonna get suspicious."

Everything was obvious.

That's what I was worried about
not going too fast

'cause I didn't want you...

I don't want you to fall...

The joke's on you now, boy.

I actually deserve that.

So we have a dick rocket, and
we're gonna launch it into Bam's ass,

AKA Uranus.

-It's science.
-We've been waiting for years

for technology to catch up with us.

Finally, we've got this contraption.

We're gonna send this cock rocket
straight to Uranus.

-You ready?
-Are you ready?

Let's do it.

Three, two, one, blast off!

Don't point that thing at me.

Okay, so we didn't get quite up there,

but it happens to a lot of guys.

Doesn't it, Ryan?

Bam, you ready?

Three,

two,

one,

blast off!

Shit.

What's going on, Bam?

Now, they have a lighter dildo

which seems like it would be better,
but, no.

It means it's gonna go so much faster
into my ass,

and it's gonna not feel very great.

So, we had to switch cocks.
Hopefully, this one will work.

It's a big, old cock.

Three,

two,

one,

blast off!

Did you like it?

Fuck, no.

One small step for man,
one giant leap for that sweet ass.

Jesus. You can't see shit
in these things.

Check it out.

Yeah.

This is the Magna-Goggles.

Oh, my God. Hold on.

-All right. Go.
-Okay.

Wait, let me aim you first.

Okay.

-All right.
-Yeah?

-Just go.
-Okay.

Go.

Go!

I'm sorry, bro

No you're not.

You ready to run a down and in pattern
about five yards out and across?

-Absolutely.
-All right. Give Preston a high five.

-Yes. All right.
-Come on.

These things suck.

Hut, hut!

Fuck!

-Where did that get you?
-Right in the nose.

Shit.

-You got this.
-I got this?

-Come on, Dunn.
-Yeah.

-Come on, Dunn.
-Let them have it.

Shit.

Wee Man is fun to dress up, period.

He just looks cute in anything
you put him in.

Preston, too.

This is Snow Tubing.

I fucking kicked him in the face.

-Kicked him in the face?
-I kicked him in the face.

Kicked him right here.

Frosty, he's bleeding a little.

This just ain't Frosty's day. Fuck.

That's one dumb reindeer.

Dude, this is screwed up.

That was good.

Can you help me up?

I saw this bit on
America's Funniest Home Videos.

Two kids run at a tree

with a 15-foot-long stick

on either end,
and they hit the tree in the middle,

and it just sends them flying
when they hit the tree.

Basically, we're gonna try to clothesline
ourselves with this two-by-four.

And it's downhill, and Dunn's
gonna be landing in horse shit,

-so I don't think...
-Thank you for pointing that out for me.

-Thanks.
-Yeah.

Why do you think I've been favoring
over here the whole time?

I didn't notice I have a big pile
of horse shit to land in.

Awesome.

This is the Blowback.

Shit.

-Fuck.
-Awesome.

Fucking stupid bullshit.

-That was great.
-I liked it.

"That was great"?

Did you guys stand there beforehand
and go,

"Let's just be enthusiastic
and encourage this thing"?

No no. That looks funny.

-That looks good.
-Yeah, man.

I wish you guys had a dick cam
'cause that's where that pole went.

That was rad.

It's such a dumb idea
'cause you have to choreograph it

so you're both doing it
at the exact same time.

You both weigh the same.

It was destined for failure
from the get-go,

but we kept on trying it
'cause we're stupid.

Nobody wants to jump in?

No.

I'm just saying.

I don't know. I'm feeling sorry for you.

Really painful thing,

low payoff.

Yeah.

Just do it again.

Take two.

-This is the Blowback.
-Shit.

I hate it.

Some things just don't translate
to camera.

Yeah?

ldeally, you want something
that doesn't hurt,

but looks really bad.

This is a whole other story.
The opposite.

At least we busted it,
so we can't try it again.

You tried it with Knoxville
and he sliced his hand open.

You could see his bone.

That ain't my fault.

I know. It's the Blowback's fault.

Dumb Blowback.

That hurt worse than when it...

It's out of frame. Turn this way
so everyone's out of frame.

It's stinging.

For a bit that doesn't work,
that fucking thing sucks.

All right, take a big breath.

You can do this.

Not too bad, right?

All right. It's gonna numb up.

A little burn, perhaps.

That camera on?

All right. If you have pain, tell me.
I'll get you more numbing medicine.

I know you're the type
that's not gonna tell me

'cause you don't want any more shots.

All right.
Let me get this thing closed up.

Fuck off.

I'm Brandon Novak,

and this is Doo Doo Falls.

-You okay?
-Fuck.

Thank God for that fucking helmet.

Dude, I hit my head so hard,

it honestly saved my life.

Did you make dookie on yourself?

Yeah.

He just shit his pants.

But if anyone deserves
to shit their pants,

it's you for doing that.

-Wipe your shitty ass.
-You wipe it.

-Why do I gotta wipe it?
-'Cause I can't move right now.

No no

Why so rough?

Fucking asshole.

-What are you doing, Ryan?
-Painting lips on the chick.

For the kiss.
What does it look like I'm doing?

All right. Hang on. Okay, go.

Steve-O, in a little bit more.

We're here with Mark Zupan,
and this is the Kissing Booth.

That was great.

P., that was gold.

Oh, my God.

-You all right?
-Make it happy.

Yay! Nice kiss.

Big, old kiss. She's hot.

Yeah.

The Phantom camera was so fun,
especially for Jackass

where we had a lot of impact.

It shoots so slow that one second
on the Phantom camera

is like 40 seconds.

Preston is your ideal guy
to shoot Phantom on.

Even a skinny guy,
if you hit him in the face,

you'll see the face come off the skull.

But the fatter you are,

the more rippling and waving it gets.
It's just gonna roll and look crazy.

I fell in love with the Phantom camera.

I was just thinking,
when I just put Wee Man,

his naked ass
with his balls hanging down,

and I threw a tennis ball at his balls.

Man, there are certain things
that look really great.

Anything Pontius does with his pee-pee
is funny on the Phantom camera.

When we found the Phantom camera,
we started writing

bits for it left and right.

I'm Danger Ehren,
and I'm about to go fishing.

It really captures what happens
when you get hit in the face.

You sure it's not just gonna hit me
right in the front of the face?

-Yes, I got you.
-All right.

I'm not gonna hit you in the front
of the face. I got you.

All right, guys, come on. We're rolling.

When was the last time
you took a fish to the head?

I haven't taken a fish to the head
in a long -ass time.

Why?

I missed.

Fuck.

I told you I wasn't gonna hit your nose.

What are your predictions?

How many walls do you think
he's gonna get through?

So, that's the object here?

Two and the beginning of the third one.

I'm with you. What's your predictio

Two and a bump into the third one,
with no damage to the third one.

-He's too light. He's only a buck 60...
-He's a buck 60.

-He's too light. He can't smash through.
-Then maybe you should go down there.

I'm not going there.

-Are you okay?
-No.

Oh, my God.

All right.

I love you.

For the love of fuck's sake,

this is Drywall Drop-In.

-Are you all right? Shit.
-Yeah, I'm fine.

You okay? Are you okay?

-Yeah.
-You have drywall in your mouth.

Watch out. There's nails.

-Okay.
-We'll get them off.

It looked especially funny
when you hit the walls.

You did good.

-Was it neat?
-It was neat-o.

Good. Just so long as it was neat.

Yeah. Way to go.

Who's Darf?

Darf is a friend of mine,

a friend of ours that we no longer see.

Darf is when Dave is blacked-out drunk,
and he's the worst.

He's the worst of any of the guys.
When he's drunk, he's the worst.

Apparently, from what I hear,
jf I drink too much,

I turn into a different person,
named Darf,

who's a total asshole

that just goes around doing
as many horrible things as he can.

And Darf showed up one night
in Northern California at a bar.

Everyone wanted to kick his ass.

I was told the next day,
I got my wiener out

and I put mustard all over it,

which is called the Portland Frank.

And I was like,
"There's no way I did that."

And I pulled my pants down,

and it was all mustard-y.

The next morning we get up,

and whose name
is on top of the stunt list?

Dave England.

This is where Dave stands up
on the back of a horse

and throws a parachute up?

Yes.

Will it work?

I hope not.

Well, after his performance yesterday,
I figured he was due for a stunt today.

Here we go. Okay.

Man, you got some alcohol
on your breath, still.

Sorry.

All right, we're good to go.

I'm here with Judd Leffew,
and this is Bareback Base Jumping.

Here we go.

Pull!

Where's the parachute?

Dave was a drunk piece of shit
last night,

and we're a little bit mad at him,

so I think we're gonna get this
in at least 10, 15 more times.

You almost got it, Dave.

Drop!

Just one more and I should be happy.

Oh, man.

It has to be soft...

-The soft stuff's over here!
-Oh, my God!

Fucking hell!

I love how you completely missed
the softer dirt,

and just went for the hard stuff.

Hey, look, it's hard to plan
when you're floating way up high.

-It's hard to spot your landing.
-You actually didn't float that long.

I thought I was gonna get caught
in those trees.

I think Dave did
the horse parachute thing

eight times, nine times that day.

Did you ever feel bad for him?

No. I've never felt bad
for Dave England in any situation.

We got a whole lot of diet cola
and a bunch of peppermint candies.

This is Bombs Away.

-Shit!
-Creepy-ass shit.

You're playing with a live grenade,
my friend.

Bombs away!

Fuck you!

Look at all the fucking dents
behind Lance.

-Where were you, Lance?
-I was right here.

That looks great.

Early on, Knoxville found this thing
online where this Chinese artist

paints himself into backgrounds
really intricately.

And so,
we knew that was the start of an idea,

just how do we finish it and pay it off?

That's where the Invisible Man came...
That's where it worked.

Fuck!

We also painted Wee Man.

April's house... April Margera paints
her house. Hand-does everything.

Their basement
is painted like a dungeon.

So, we had Seth paint Wee Man
into the wall.

He does blend right in
and he disappears.

We're in April Margera's house,
and this is the Invisible Wee.

Jesus! Son of a...

-Did you really not see that?
-Jesus!

-Soon as I grabbed you...
-He scared the shit out of me!

-Were the lights off?
-Who else can we get?

Who else doesn't know?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, why do I get hit?

That scared the shit out of me!
Oh, my God!

You didn't see him at all?

Now we're gonna send Dunn down
with a cattle prod to get Wee Man.

You fucking dick!

Fucking guy.

That's what you get for scaring people,
you little...

That lovely contraptio
kills rats with electricity.

That's a metal rat.
It's hooked up to my nuts.

I'm Steve-O, and this is the Rat Zapper.

-All right then!
-Nailed it!

Okay, I'm gonna just wind in here.

-Yeah, "Oklahoma" is the safe word.
-Yeah, I'll turn it off then.

-There we go.
-This is monster's balls.

-Shit!
-Here you go.

Monster's balls.

Fuck!

Oklahoma!

-Man!
-See, you didn't tape them tight enough.

He yelled, "Oklahoma."

Ryan just stood there for a while
before he turned it off.

-It was for his own good.
-We didn't know how to do it.

-You think that felt good for the rat?
-Fuck!

-You forgot to sponge him.
-Did it hurt?

Thanks, guys. Oh, my God!
That is not fucking happening again.

I'll... You touched your bloody nuts
with those fingers, so...

What are these called again?

-Belt sander skates.
-Belt sander skates.

I'm Brandon Novak,
and this is Belt Sander Skates.

Where doesn't it hurt?

That's a wrap on this one,
right, Tremaine?

I can't take any more of that.

I guess both me and Knoxville
were old men in the first, and Bam.

The three of us were old men
in the first one.

In the second one, I was an old lady,
and Knoxville was an old man.

In the third one
I wanted to be a fat, old lady.

-You're big-boned.
-Yeah, I'm big-boned. That's all.

I think that reads.

-Fuck. Is that too much?
-The camel toe looks great.

-Excuse me, sir?
-Yeah.

A man just told me... He walked by me
and he told me I have a camel toe.

-What happened?
-He said I had a camel toe.

-Do I have something on my face?
-No.

Do I have a camel toe on my head?

-For me, no.
-Not for you?

Something else you needed?

Yeah, do I have
a giant pussy somewhere?

I don't know.

I didn't realize how insanely hot
it was gonna be,

and it was, like, this much makeup.

And it was like wearing five
sleeping bags in the dead of summer.

After the first hour,
I just completely...

It was as close as I've ever
come to like, a heatstroke.

I was just gonna pass out and...

At a certain point, I couldn't
even think, let alone be funny.

Oh, my God! It's so hot.

It is unbearably hot.

He gave it hell, man. He tried.

We shot a lot of...
What did we call her, "Kathy"?

Hi, my name's Kathy,
and I have a camel toe.

Come with me on a day of adventure.

Shit! Oh, my God!

I don't know how to start this thing.

How do I turn?

There!

I'm such a slut
I like it in my butt

I like sunshine all day long

Help. Help.

Help.

I'm starting a modeling career,

and I was wondering
what you think of my modeling photos.

This is a photo of me. You like it?

I have a new photograph
that I just shot of me.

Wanna make love?

No. Not to him, to me.

Okay. I'll talk to you later.
I love you.

Shit! Shit!

You're my hero

Spike, I don't think we go...
No one got that.

Okay. Are you serious?

Where do you think we're parked?

Well, you gotta get the one right
in front of him. The $7 one.

-That's the one we set up for.
-All right, dicks.

Fuck.

Johnny, did you get that one?

-No, we did not.
-Fuck, man! What is he doing?

Fucking A, man.
I can't believe this guy is a director.

This is bullshit!

Rick's going off on you right now,
Spike.

I'm gonna butt-fuck Rick.

Remember when we were sitting around
there, at that college,

and you said that you could
kick somebody in the head?

That's not how it works.

-What happened?
-No. We were shooting slo-mo stuff,

and Bam said that he wanted to do
a flying kick to the head.

I'll come at this angle.
Like, if you're standing right there,

I'll come right about here,
and I'll just be like...

And then, right there.

All right. Let's do that.

And somehow I got elected
to be the kickee.

Well, you're the only one
that can jump that high.

No I got to be the kickee at first.

How did this get pitched to you?

I was just sitting
at the table over there,

and Jeff said, "Hey, how about Bam
double-flying kicks you in the face?"

-And here you are, on your mark.
-Yeah.

Remember we caught you putting
styling gel in your hair?

Fuck you...

Fucking shit, dude!

You okay?

-Fuck! Dude, I'm fucking seeing stars.
-My fucking back!

That's Bam Margera.

You fucked up my hair, dude!

And then the day went on, and Bam...

He was talking shit,
saying you couldn't do it.

No. You got it all wrong.

He challenged Knoxville.

-Didn't do it!
-Didn't do it!

-So, you can't do it.
-Other people can do it.

-Okay, can you do it? Dave?
-Somebody with talent can do it.

-Dave can do it.
-I can't.

-Dave can do it.
-Nobody can do it.

-Me and Zupan can.
-Nobody can do it.

-We're out.
-Can anybody do it?

Dave, go try it. Dave, go try it.

You're good to go?

So, Bam, how many people
can't double-kick you in the face?

No one here. There's 40 people here
and nobody can kick me in the face

with two feet,
but everybody thinks it's so easy.

-Actio
-Knoxville, Dunn.

Dude, he jumped over you.

-Oh, my God!
-Way to go Dave.

-Oh, my God!
-You almost went over him.

That was pretty good.

This is the Enema Long Jump.

Each contestant is gonna insert
two enemas

and see who can jump the farthest
and shit the most.

It doesn't matter
if you shit before you jump,

after you jump,
or while you're airborne.

It's just rad doing enemas.

-Let's enema up.
-Let's get to it.

How'd you put it in?

-I'm just going...
-Why you choosing to be back there?

-Yeah.
-Because he's the official.

-Easy in and easy out?
-Bam, come here.

-God!
-Yeah!

Yours go in easy?

I like pooing,
but I like pooing with these better.

If you do them every day for no reason,

not while doing a movie,
you're a weirdo.

God, I want to shit!

Here.

8'11".

-Go.
-You can win this!

Measure it.

I think you're winning.

I'll hold your legs up
while he squirts it in.

Really get it in there.

All right, you're good.

-Get back over there.
-Yeah.

Steve-O, come on, win this!

-Right on...
-Right in the fucking...

Here he goes!

Dude! Do you see that

-brown shit in there?
-You're walking on it.

-Did I win?
-Yeah.

-The guy is so stressed!
-What do you got?

-11'6".
-11'6".

-Dave, you gotta get...
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Fucking A. Wait...
-No, no, no, no.

That's where Steve-O already landed.

Oh, my God, dude!

That was it. 12'4".

Dave won.

-I would say we're all winners here.
-Hold on, Rick, here.

Dude!

Oh, my God!

It was quite a battle,
but we have a winner.

With a jump of 12'4", Dave England.

Yes!

You know when I learned...
I decided to really

learn to wipe myself was when
my mom wasn't home one day

and my dad had to wipe my butt.

And I did not feel comfortable with it.

I didn't like that dude wiping my butt.

And he was kind of rough.

Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
This is Treadmill Shit Show.

You made it!

Yeah, whatever happened
to the treadmills?

We got all kinds of awesome stuff.

We had it where we had
all the treadmills lined up

facing each other, and we all,
at the same time, jumped in,

and Steve-O hit me right in the face.

-You all right?
-Was it Steve-O?

Dave got kicked right
in his fucking face.

He deserves it.

-Everybody deserves everything.
-Yeah.

You deserve this.

-Fuck!
-Tail bone!

-I love it.
-You were rad.

I love watching you skate.

I'm here with TV's Ryan Dunn,
and today's his lucky day

'cause this is Treadmill D-Style.

Rehoboth Beach!

His face almost stuck
in Wee Man's bottom.

It got dark fast.

Human Cheetah is a bit
where someone gets shot up

with paintballs all over the body.

The outcome is that
the bruises from the paintballs

leaves spots everywhere

and you're supposed to
look like a cheetah.

Steve-O has a heart,
Pontius has a heart,

they didn't want to shoot me.

But they actually fucked my bit up,

because Dave, he doesn't give a shit,

and he fully shot me all on this side,

and this was Steve-O and Chris' side,

and I had, like, one or two over here,
and this side was just covered.

And the paintballs were so powerful,
I got cut up

on all the spots that I got hit on.

I'm Wee Man, and this is The Cheetah.

Ready, aim, fire!

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

-Fucking hell.
-I'm hit and fucking bleeding.

-I nailed him there.
-God damn, you got rocked!

-How long does it take to bruise up?
-I'm already bruising.

They're hurting right now, dude.
It hurts!

-Which one hurts the most?
-Right here.

-You're right, that looks painful.
-That, and then right here.

Let me see.

No! Inside!

That's gonna hurt so bad when you wipe.

-I know.
-Oh, my God!

Don't get poo -poo in it!

Half my body is still bruised up
over here from The Cheetah

that happened, like, nine months ago.

And this side has nothing.

This was all my bros,

and this is all the dudes that hate me.

-I'm not whipping your dick out.
-All right, well, pull the fat up.

Didn't get up.

-I'm at it.
-You're at it?

All right,
just, please, pull the zipper down.

-The zipper's down.
-No, it ain't.

What are you guys doing?

It's so warm!

-Is that your dick?
-Just try to hurry, 'cause I'm gonna piss.

You almost had it.

Here, here.
I gotta get in there bareback.

It's getting weirder and weirder.

This is awkward.

Grab the boxers.

Pull 'em down, man!

God! It's like a river.

Bros.

-Feel better?
-No, because of the balls!

Yeah. Yeah!

See? That's what I was talking about.
It was blocking it.

Do an intro, Winter Fat Fucks.

This is Winter Fat Fucks.

All right, now I'm ready to rock.

Hit the Winter Fat Fucks.

Fuck!

-Hey, grandma.
-Eat shit, fat fuck.

It's the slow shit I hate.

-Oh, my God!
-Yeah!

I did it!

So good!

This is a woodpecker,

and this is a Wood Pecker.

What's gonna happen next?

By the way, this is Dr. Jesse Merlin,
our resident bird expert.

Can I place the woodpecker
on the limb now?

If you would, please.

This is a breakthrough.

Thousands of years of medical science
have led to this beautiful moment.

Here, Woody. Here, Woody.

-Have led to me losing my dignity.
-Woody. Woody.

-Here you go, look. Woody.
-Believe me.

He's into me right now.
My day's gonna go terribly wrong.

-This is where the magic happens.
-Don't move.

Boy!

I don't envy you.

It's dented.

Get in there.

We have a puncture.

Someone give me a stick
to bite on or something.

I don't wanna scare him.

Don't move 'cause he's standing on you.

It's hard to hold my ground right now.

No you can't move
because he's fully on your schlong.

I'm gonna be careful...

That was flesh!

He's chewing on my pee hole.
Okay. One second, one second.

Chewing on my pee hole.
Sorry, man, that freaked me out.

That's not what I expected.

Oh, God, it stinks.

You gotta see this.

-Cute little butthole.
-Look how disgusting that is.

Like, what if you had to do that?

It's like a stunt.

Let's just do it. Let's go do it.

That's a formidable scent.

-Is that from the smell of that?
-Dude, the smell is really...

If I did a shit,
it still wouldn't be good as this.

Fucking disgusting.

I can't be there.

Sounds like that bull
is just dying to shoot.

He's making lots of noise,

and I know that's not doing one thing
for Wee Man's confidence.

He looks pretty nervous, too.

It's fucking nerve-racking, man!

When that bull sees you
and comes at you,

it's no joke.

I'm Wee Man, and this is the Yoga Ball.

Get away from the fence.

-He survived.
-Wee Man! Wee Man!

Get up here!

Oh, my God!

That's so scary!

-That was one big son of a bitch, dude.
-I had no idea.

He came out, dude, I was like...

Fuck!

-He looked much shorter in the gate.
-Yeah.

He looked way shorter in the gate.

-Hey, man, awesome, dude.
-Thank you.

-Good God! You're my man.
-Thank you, man.

You've had some good moments
in this arena, man.

-Yeah. Thanks, Gary.
-Where is that bull now?

-Wee Man!
-Wee Man! All right!

I'm the devil, and it's time to burn.

The Flaming Gauntlet is definitely
my most macho bit,

because I knew
that I was gonna get burned.

What's the plan here, O?

Well, I come along this beam,

these balls are on fire,

and they're swinging,
and they knock me into the fire.

The guy who ran the warehouse
where we shot the Flaming Gauntlet

was concerned that the heat
from burning the coals

was gonna crack his cement.

So, in order to protect his cement,

he laid down these steel sheets.

Yeah, I noticed that.

-Why did they put it on a frying pan?
-I don't know.

Really walking the line
between horror and humor.

This is a rough one, man.

Like, I'm a thrower,

and if I hit him with one of the balls,
he's going into the pit.

That's gnarly.

Holy shit! My ball's crazy, man!

I'm Steve-O,
and this is the Flaming Gauntlet.

Fuck! Fuck!

It's still on you, man.

-God damn it.
-Is it hot?

Yeah, man, it's burned.

Yeah!

Is your skin burnt or is it just...

-Yeah, look at that, right there.
-Yeah.

-Shit.
-It's gonna get...

-Yeah, it's really hot.
-You're burned, man.

Yeah, it's really hot.

-That's the thing about fire.
-I know.

It's hot.

I got burned all up the side of my body.

I had to go to a burn unit.

Shit!

Call the medic.

Dude, grab some towels.

What's your pain level at?

A normal person
would probably ask for a painkiller.

Well, you got your card revoked.

If you want the job done...

-Just rub it in a little more.
-... if you want respect...

So gay.

I don't know any gay dudes that do this.

This will plug you up.

That's a man
that has nothing left to lose.

That's Brandon Novak,
and this is the Dildo Bazooka.

Jackass 3D: Full Penetration.

Oh, God. Jesus.

-All right. Ready?
-Yeah, yeah.

I had a tripod brought in,
so I can get a guaranteed hit.

Wait.

Here we go.

Can I see where it hit?

Oh, God!

-The skid mark.
-Laugh it up, guys.

Oh, my God!

-It's shaped like a dong.
-Dude.

And there's a dong pointing to it.

I finally made it, Mom.

This is the Flying Nut High Five.

I fucking slipped!

Oh, my God!

Flying Nut High Five
is the attempt to jump up in the air

running at another dude,

spread your legs,
and then knock your nuts together.

But it never worked.

Surprisingly difficult.

Bam's Liberace diamond -covered soles,

it's the worst thing ever.

-Did I get sabotaged or am I just...
-No they're both... Look at this.

You just don't know how to sit right.

It's this chair, man.

Fucking chair.

It's, like, the most flimsy
fucking chair I've ever met.

Shit!

Here we go again.

This is the Flying Nut High Five.

Why don't you guys take your shoes off?

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

We started off on the same chairs!

Look at yours, it's just crumbling.

-It's ruined.
-Fuck!

No...

Come on, man. Look at this.
We got a parachute, two of us on a bike,

and a massive ramp.

And this bike was bought last night
on the Internet. Am I correct?

Yeah. I think he went and picked it up
about midnight.

Seriously, this was bought at midnight,

-found online.
-Yeah.

So, explain to me what this scene is.

All right. We got Andy Bell
and Dave England riding a motorcycle

and hitting that ramp going really fast.

And Dave England's on the back of it
with a parachute,

and they're gonna ditch the motorcycle
in the air,

Dave England's
parachute's gonna go up,

it's probably not gonna deploy,
and he's gonna hit very hard.

-In the water?
-Yeah.

Hopefully.

I'm gonna laugh my head off.

I'm here with Andy Bell,
and this is the Moto Base Jump.

Yeah.

Here we go. Here we go.

Kids, don't try this at home.

-He almost did a full roll.
-Look at it.

That, dude, when they hit the ramp,
they almost buckled.

Holy shit.

This game is called
God's Special Purpose for Me is Over.

-It knocked the wind out of me so bad.
-It knocked the wind out of me, too.

I just saw my entry, I'm like, "Oh, no."

God, it gave me a nutter.

Are you gonna try it again, ladies?

Over and over till we get it right.

With you on the back, Eddie.

Fat-Fat is hungry for some chocolate,
so now I'm gonna feed him.

I'm Wee Bam.

This is the Ballway.

Shit's gonna get muffed up.

That's the cutest thing I ever saw.

The look on his face was so happy,
like a big, perverted Labrador.

Oh, shit.

Yeah!

Fuck.

Was that the corner?

-Fuck.
-Dave.

That's not good.

That was the corner, right?

Yeah, he's gonna have to see somebody.

-Let's help him over here.
-Hit my head on the fucking wall, dude.

-Yeah.
-Grab his arm,

so he doesn't trip and fall.

Party.

-What are you guys doing?
-Wow.

This is the Electric Limbo.

He couldn't let go.

We shot a lot with electricity.

Like, we built a limbo bar
that was totally charged.

The bar was electric.

-Like that.
-It's great.

No off to the side shit.

-Oh, man, it's tough.
-I'm not sure about your technique.

You're leaning forward.
You should be going backwards.

Go, go, go, go.

Fudge!

Yeah, Wee.

Electricity's a wild beast.

And it's an unpredictable beast.

Come on, Dave.

Fucking shit!

Fuck!

And it sucks. Electricity fucking sucks.

Okay, whoever licks the ladder
is the champ.

Go, Steve-O.

Let's party!

-You got it.
-Get on your knees.

-All right.
-Damn!

-No
-Get your tongue way out.

There's no danger. Yeah.

Yeah, just put it in.

-You got it.
-You've licked worse things.

-It's a party.
-There it is.

-You got it.
-Do it.

Go, go, go, go, go.

The champ!

Whenever the bit involves
Pontius' penis in a costume,

you don't wanna be
in the peanut gallery.

Hey, Chris, we don't need to see
your outfit from this side.

You don't need to. It's a bonus.

What most people don't know is,

we did a lot of penis-related stunts

'cause there's so many funny ideas
to do with the penis

that have been yet unexplored.

And Chris is insanely particular
about putting a costume on his penis,

and it took us about
six hours just to get it dressed.

Since we made it tighter,
this is like one thing,

so it doesn't hang like it did.

But wait. I think if you keep jamming it
in there, it will bend it down.

Keep stuffing it in there.

That's what I was trying to say.
I need some assistance.

Also, a lesser-known fact is
they scheduled them one after another.

First, it's like,
"Put your penis in the rat trap."

He's looking at it.

And then,

the numerous helicopter tugs.

Swing around with it.

I like, in particular,

when it's the clear box with the cat,

and he had it dressed up like a cat toy
with catnip all over it.

I guess the idea was
he'd get it scratched up real bad.

Dude, that...

Apparently, catnip
is an aphrodisiac, too,

because he was really loving
on that mousy.

We were just hoping that mousy
didn't grow in size and stature.

And Pontius was making
all kinds of crazy faces

to keep that from happening.

He's a powerful little bastard.

And it's really awkward.
The cat even, I think, felt awkward.

What's your definition of uncomfortable,

stud?

Oh, God!

Hi, Priya.

Man, you're jumpy.

So, Priya Swaminathan,
who is head of development

for our production company,

is super jumpy.
She gets scared so easy.

So, we've rigged a triple train horn

in her office.

She's gonna flip out.

She's gonna... All I've gotta do
is hit this little button,

which they won't let me hold yet.

'Cause I'll fuck it up.

Oh, my God!

I'm fucking quitting!

What happened?

Fuck.

Oh, my God!

-Horrible.
-Oh, my God.

You guys are lucky
that I didn't pee my pants.

I try to not let that happen.

That's so fucking loud.

Oh, my God. That scared me.

Knoxville always just pranks everybody
and always gets away with it

'cause it's very difficult to get him.

But we got him.

We were showing
a cast and crew screening,

and then they're like,
"Hey, come down to the front

"and say something to everyone."

I was actually getting choked up
talking to everybody,

and then Kimmel runs down there
and says, "Shut up."

Enjoy.

Knoxville has prescription lotion,
and that's all he uses.

And I got it.

But I got something else.

Horse cum.

From a horse, idiot.

Dude, did you get it directly
from the horse?

I don't know.

Pour some of that out.

Yeah, pour some out.

It reeks. That's fucking...

All right, that's good, that's good.

That is fucking disgusting, dude.

-Did you pour some out?
-Yeah.

-Squeeze it.
-Squeeze the ball. Squeeze it first,

-and then stick it in.
-I don't know.

-You're making a cum bubble.
-Look at the cum.

-I don't know. I'm stupid.
-Dude, cum bubble?

Dude.

What are you doing?

What are you doing with your life?

Dude, I'm gonna throw up.

-Here, switch.
-Here, come on. Just...

Come on. Put the fucking thing
in the fucking thing.

-I'll do that part.
-Just pour it in.

Yeah, just pour it in.

Just pour it in. Make it a little...
Let me see this.

Look at it. It's sticky.

Gross.

Look at it.

It's stringy.

Watch.

Put it back in his car.

Yeah, I'm gonna put it back
in his car now.

That's why it's so stringy!

It's been that way for months.

Dude.

I'm sweating.

They got me.

I was rubbing horse cum on my face
for weeks.

And I knew one day, the consistency
of my sunscreen had changed.

It got super stringy.

Super stringy! And I thought
it had just got so hot in the car.

But no, it wasn't because of the heat.
It was horse cum.

Before we started filming, I had a dream

where we were on the set,

and we were drawing a dart board
on my face with markers.

And then I woke up from the dream,
and I was like,

"We've gotta throw darts at my face."

Knoxville and Tremaine
said that they liked the idea

only if somebody shot darts
from their asshole through a blowgun.

I'm Steve-O, and this is Fart Darts.

That's good.

That was in there.

-It's bleeding.
-It's bleeding.

God! You are awesome.

-Look how deep that went in.
-Show the camera.

-Look how fucking deep that went.
-Look at... Fucking... Look!

Good job, Will.

Knoxville's incredible nut shots,
that occupied some time.

I figure, what, we filmed eight months?

Two of them were incredible nut shots.

How many basketballs
did we go through for this?

Probably about 200.

Because first you wanted
the women's basketball

'cause you thought
that was the perfect one.

Well, for different shots,
it's different.

If you gotta throw it a great distance,
shoOting with the women's basketball,

-you can throw farther.
-You got it down to a science.

But it's true. When we first started
doing it, we would just get

a bunch of different basketballs,
and throw them.

But I realized that you need all the...

Whatever thing you do,
you need all the basketballs

the same size and the same pressure

because it's hard enough hitting
someone from a great distance

Or bouncing it. So, we trjed to remove
all the varjables.

And it would take anywhere
from an hour to 13

to just get one shot.

Yes!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Fuck that fucking shit.

Fuck that.

If you're gonna be dumb,
you gotta be tough.

Yeah, I do.

Let go.

Fuck!

Oh, my goodness!

Who put that there?

It's Spanish Street Bike Tommy.

Street Bike Tommy and Steve-O
had a baby.

Steve-O and Street Bike Tommy
had this baby right here.

He's cute.

I got shit all over my balls.

My balls are sitting in
a little bowl of poo water.

Oh, God. I'm embarrassed.

All right, this is piss from
a female donkey in heat.

Why did you drink that?

Because I'm horny.

God!

I don't think
you're getting the donkey hot, Steve-O.

Dude, I don't even know
what to complain about anymore.

My hand, my fucking chipped shoulder,

my broken ribs, my hurt-ass knee,
which hurts like hell,

and now a twisted fucking ankle.

I don't know
what to complain about anymore.

That sucked.

Wait, you know what I forgot to do?

When we got into London,
we actually, from the airport,

we passed a town called Bicester.

Get your tongue out of my mouth!

It's so rough. It's like a cat's tongue.

We'll have justice on three, two, one!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Do not throw hard.

-That hurt!
-Let's see that run back.

That's what I was talking about.

Clear!

You're a fucking asshole.