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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,999 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru 2 00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:05,186 Then I shall throw in this mechanical French hater. 3 00:00:06,401 --> 00:00:09,019 I'm a rich businessman looking for younger partners. 4 00:00:09,181 --> 00:00:10,700 You'll get... 5 00:00:10,999 --> 00:00:14,278 I don't see how we have become so rich so quickly. Good, isn't it? 6 00:00:14,279 --> 00:00:17,838 I can be educated at boarding school! 7 00:00:17,839 --> 00:00:19,598 I wish I might go to school! 8 00:00:19,599 --> 00:00:23,278 'Miss Primly Tightclench is a fine governess.' 9 00:00:23,279 --> 00:00:27,318 Look at the newspapers to see how awful it is for the poor poor. 10 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:29,678 It's throwing food! 11 00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:32,718 'It's better your husband hear the truth from you' 12 00:00:32,719 --> 00:00:36,038 than from a newspaper. I am French. 13 00:00:36,039 --> 00:00:39,319 No-o-o! Get out! 14 00:00:40,519 --> 00:00:41,998 No! 15 00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:44,719 He suspects nothing. 16 00:01:47,879 --> 00:01:49,639 It's just such a good deal! 17 00:01:57,919 --> 00:02:00,518 My dearest dead wife. 18 00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:03,198 I leave this in memory of you, here 19 00:02:03,199 --> 00:02:06,838 where we spent the happiest days of our lives. 20 00:02:06,839 --> 00:02:09,158 And, oh, what joy we had. 21 00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:11,439 Until I became a rich businessman... 22 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,558 and you turned out to be secretly French 23 00:02:15,559 --> 00:02:19,838 and hurled yourself into the Thames out of shame. 24 00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:22,799 Goodbye, dearest Conceptiva. 25 00:02:41,719 --> 00:02:45,519 Oi, hop it, you Pre-Raphaelite pervert! 26 00:02:46,839 --> 00:02:49,918 Only half-drowned, eh? 27 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:54,318 But fully rich by the look of you. 28 00:02:54,319 --> 00:02:59,999 And there's much reward for rescuing rich folks. 29 00:03:01,999 --> 00:03:03,479 Oh! 30 00:03:08,799 --> 00:03:11,759 Lady Swellsmore sent these in condolence. 31 00:03:18,279 --> 00:03:22,518 I cannot bear colour. 32 00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:24,958 Everything must match my mood. 33 00:03:24,959 --> 00:03:27,078 Your supper, sir. 34 00:03:27,079 --> 00:03:29,278 Coal soup, charcoal pie and, 35 00:03:29,279 --> 00:03:32,319 for pudding, a really, really old banana. 36 00:03:33,799 --> 00:03:35,799 Thank you, Servegood. 37 00:03:37,039 --> 00:03:39,118 Oh! 38 00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,919 Actually... What? 39 00:03:42,039 --> 00:03:44,958 It's just there is a fine line 40 00:03:44,959 --> 00:03:47,998 between grieving and racism. 41 00:03:47,999 --> 00:03:50,519 Have I crossed it? No, no! 42 00:03:52,039 --> 00:03:53,319 Yes. 43 00:03:56,559 --> 00:03:58,718 You need time to mourn, my friend. 44 00:03:58,719 --> 00:04:02,318 Perhaps if you signed the business over to me for a while? 45 00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:06,838 No. I must continue with my businessy burden. 46 00:04:06,839 --> 00:04:08,758 Of course. 47 00:04:08,759 --> 00:04:11,038 Has Victor been informed at school? 48 00:04:11,039 --> 00:04:14,878 I have sent my man Pusweasel to impart the dead mothery news. 49 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:19,798 As his name implies, he is a man of infinite kindness 50 00:04:19,799 --> 00:04:23,198 and will break it gently. 51 00:04:23,199 --> 00:04:27,398 Wake up! Your mother's dead! I'm sorry, what? 52 00:04:27,399 --> 00:04:29,959 Your ma's gone and died, deaded herself. 53 00:04:32,599 --> 00:04:33,838 But how? 54 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:36,879 Hurled herself into the Thames like an 'omesick herring. 55 00:04:38,119 --> 00:04:39,558 Drowned? 56 00:04:39,559 --> 00:04:41,558 Yeah, or poisoned, 57 00:04:41,559 --> 00:04:43,878 impaled on an underwater spike 58 00:04:43,879 --> 00:04:47,599 or eaten to death by eelsharks. Probably very painful. 59 00:04:49,519 --> 00:04:52,479 Enjoy your first night with no mother, young culley. 60 00:04:56,719 --> 00:04:59,038 Why am I kneeling like this? 61 00:04:59,039 --> 00:05:02,078 Oh! I didn't know as you'd live. 62 00:05:02,079 --> 00:05:05,639 If not, bit of rigor mortis, you'd make a lovely footstool. 63 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:10,718 I thank you for saving my life, crone. 64 00:05:10,719 --> 00:05:13,719 Oh, that's nice. 65 00:05:15,719 --> 00:05:19,398 But kind words don't butter parsnips. 66 00:05:19,399 --> 00:05:22,078 You want money? No! 67 00:05:22,079 --> 00:05:25,518 Just an appreciation. 68 00:05:25,519 --> 00:05:26,759 You want money. 69 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:30,198 If I did, I'd say, or my name isn't Mrs Graspia Grumblechoop. 70 00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,638 Which it is. So you don't want money? 71 00:05:32,639 --> 00:05:33,838 No! 72 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,638 Though here's my invoice for saving you. 73 00:05:37,639 --> 00:05:39,798 Payable now, in money. 74 00:05:39,799 --> 00:05:41,678 Alas, I have no money. 75 00:05:41,679 --> 00:05:45,798 Surely you have a rich husband? 76 00:05:45,799 --> 00:05:49,679 Wealthy father? Generous, fat uncle? 77 00:05:50,999 --> 00:05:53,158 I... I do not know. 78 00:05:53,159 --> 00:05:57,118 Why, I know nothing, not even my own name! 79 00:05:57,119 --> 00:05:59,238 Oh, so that's your game! 80 00:05:59,239 --> 00:06:03,758 Not a fun game like Poke The Beggar or Slappy Foreign Punch Punch. 81 00:06:03,759 --> 00:06:07,038 You're an invoice-evading mock amnesiac! 82 00:06:07,039 --> 00:06:08,318 Not mock! 83 00:06:08,319 --> 00:06:10,758 My mind is as blank as a... 84 00:06:10,759 --> 00:06:12,678 As a... 85 00:06:12,679 --> 00:06:16,718 No, my amnesia stretches even unto similes and metaphors. 86 00:06:16,719 --> 00:06:20,718 Oh, great! Can't remember your own name, 87 00:06:20,719 --> 00:06:23,958 but you can remember literary terms. What a pretty pig in a pickle! 88 00:06:23,959 --> 00:06:26,878 Oh, alliteration. 89 00:06:26,879 --> 00:06:29,158 I want paying! 90 00:06:29,159 --> 00:06:33,518 And luckily for you, there's always ways 91 00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:35,479 a girl can make money. 92 00:06:43,719 --> 00:06:47,719 I have seen you about, hunched and wretched creature. 93 00:06:48,999 --> 00:06:52,238 What do you want? My name is Smalcolm. 94 00:06:52,239 --> 00:06:56,078 When my ma died, I was terrible sad 95 00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:58,638 and I thought at such a time, 96 00:06:58,639 --> 00:07:01,958 you could do with a chum? 97 00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:05,798 A chum? Why, a chum is all I ever dreamed of from school! 98 00:07:05,799 --> 00:07:07,558 Then chum might I be? 99 00:07:07,559 --> 00:07:11,239 Chum might you be indeed, Smalcolm. How joyful this makes me! 100 00:07:13,119 --> 00:07:17,879 Oh, though I have just remembered that my mother is dead. 101 00:07:19,959 --> 00:07:21,799 There, there, chum. 102 00:07:24,919 --> 00:07:26,238 Posture! 103 00:07:26,239 --> 00:07:28,438 But my mama is dead! 104 00:07:28,439 --> 00:07:32,078 That is no reason for slack spineitude. Does the Bible not say, 105 00:07:32,079 --> 00:07:35,998 "Be not a bent-backed griever, but weep straightly that thy tears 106 00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:38,558 "may flow unto heaven and water God's tomatoes"? 107 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,279 Where in the Bible does it say that? 108 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,558 Book of Gardeners. Chapter two, verse eight. 109 00:07:42,559 --> 00:07:45,238 I wish to see my papa, that we may comfort each other! 110 00:07:45,239 --> 00:07:46,678 Papa! 111 00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:49,999 Silence! You must wear the posture gag. 112 00:07:54,999 --> 00:07:56,878 Miss Tightclench. 113 00:07:56,879 --> 00:07:59,598 I wish to see Victoria, that we may comfort each other. 114 00:07:59,599 --> 00:08:01,958 Alas, she blames you for her mother's death. 115 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,718 Why, she said that hugging you would be akin to hugging a cold, 116 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:09,639 flinty rock which had indirectly murdered her mother. 117 00:08:16,199 --> 00:08:18,759 Oh, that must be difficult to hear. 118 00:08:21,159 --> 00:08:23,878 Perhaps you would like to sign the business over to me? 119 00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:27,638 Now is not the time, Grimstone. 120 00:08:27,639 --> 00:08:30,518 If only there were some way for me to vent this grief. 121 00:08:30,519 --> 00:08:33,798 I would cry were it not illegal for a man to show emotion. 122 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:37,999 Sir, I may be able to help. 123 00:08:45,079 --> 00:08:47,479 It's all right, he's with me. 124 00:08:55,079 --> 00:09:00,198 Here, sir, you may vent your grief far from the eyes of the law. 125 00:09:00,199 --> 00:09:04,118 Why, Servegood! Is this a weep easy? 126 00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:07,838 It served me many a night when my Towser died of the mange. 127 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,398 Your poor dog. 128 00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:10,719 Wife, sir. 129 00:10:03,439 --> 00:10:05,038 Oh, I can't do it. 130 00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:07,478 You have to. Now, one last practice. 131 00:10:07,479 --> 00:10:08,998 In 'Ertford, 132 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:11,038 'Ereford and 'Ampshire, 133 00:10:11,039 --> 00:10:15,319 'urricanes 'ardly hever 'appen. 134 00:10:17,119 --> 00:10:20,358 Rich men love a posh girl who can talk Cockney. 135 00:10:20,359 --> 00:10:22,358 Now, get to work! 136 00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:24,518 Oh, the shame! 137 00:10:24,519 --> 00:10:27,398 If in my unremembered life I had a family, 138 00:10:27,399 --> 00:10:30,118 I hope they are not witness to this. 139 00:10:30,119 --> 00:10:33,278 Unless I did something even more demeaning, in which case I hope 140 00:10:33,279 --> 00:10:35,719 they see this and think I've come up in the world. 141 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,278 Might you be looking for company, sir? 142 00:10:39,279 --> 00:10:40,798 What sort of company? 143 00:10:40,799 --> 00:10:43,199 Why, a little... 144 00:10:44,319 --> 00:10:46,558 Cockney company. 145 00:10:46,559 --> 00:10:49,998 If... If I were, how much would it cost? 146 00:10:49,999 --> 00:10:52,198 A shilling for a dropped aitch, 147 00:10:52,199 --> 00:10:55,559 half a crown if you want the whole rhyming slang. 148 00:11:00,079 --> 00:11:02,798 All right, me old China? 149 00:11:02,799 --> 00:11:04,878 Look at me plates of meat. 150 00:11:04,879 --> 00:11:08,238 Cor blimey, 'ave a banana! 151 00:11:08,239 --> 00:11:12,918 Oh yes! Do you have any hake or haddock? 152 00:11:12,919 --> 00:11:17,318 'Ave I hany 'ake or 'addock? 153 00:11:17,319 --> 00:11:20,558 I should bleedin' well cocoa! 154 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:23,518 'The griefboil is lanced.' 155 00:11:23,519 --> 00:11:27,118 Thank you Servegood. Thank you. 156 00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:30,238 Ah! Grief burp, sir? No. 157 00:11:30,239 --> 00:11:32,478 I fear I just saw a vision of my dead wife. 158 00:11:32,479 --> 00:11:35,718 Yes. I had those, sir. 159 00:11:35,719 --> 00:11:37,479 Poor Towser. 160 00:11:42,439 --> 00:11:45,199 You wanted to see me? 161 00:11:48,399 --> 00:11:49,679 Was that artillery fire? 162 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,998 Conceptiva achieved much poverty relief with her food cannons. 163 00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:56,838 I have decided to continue the daily meal salvoes in her honour. 164 00:11:56,839 --> 00:11:58,558 As you wish. Muppet! 165 00:11:58,559 --> 00:12:02,079 Grimstone, does our business do good? 166 00:12:08,359 --> 00:12:10,998 No, sorry. I don't understand. 167 00:12:10,999 --> 00:12:15,038 Well, we've recently halved the wages of the shop workers. 168 00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:16,918 Was that... good? 169 00:12:16,919 --> 00:12:18,638 Yes. 170 00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:21,198 They must now work longer hours, 171 00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:24,278 leaving them less time for immorality 172 00:12:24,279 --> 00:12:26,638 such as drinking, dancing and sleeping. 173 00:12:26,639 --> 00:12:30,598 Therefore, they will reach heaven much more easily. 174 00:12:30,599 --> 00:12:34,078 And sooner due to exhaustion. Why do you ask such questions? 175 00:12:34,079 --> 00:12:35,799 Just curious. 176 00:12:37,239 --> 00:12:39,878 And I suppose I was a bit up all night, 177 00:12:39,879 --> 00:12:42,639 tormented by a vision of my dead wife. 178 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,798 Conceptiva! Is that you? 179 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:49,238 "Yes, it is me. Definitely not a figment of your guilty imagination." 180 00:12:49,239 --> 00:12:51,038 Why would I feel guilty? 181 00:12:51,039 --> 00:12:52,718 "Because you caused my death." 182 00:12:52,719 --> 00:12:54,359 Ye... Right, yes. 183 00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:58,358 If you are troubled, 184 00:12:58,359 --> 00:13:01,518 perhaps you'd like to sign the business over to me for a bit? 185 00:13:01,519 --> 00:13:05,478 No. I have been inspired by this vision. It is soon Easter. 186 00:13:05,479 --> 00:13:09,238 What better Lenten sacrifice than to turn our business 187 00:13:09,239 --> 00:13:11,839 into a charity to alleviate poverty? 188 00:13:14,479 --> 00:13:15,759 Sorry, slipped. 189 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:19,118 In fact, I go now to investigate the lives of the poor, 190 00:13:19,119 --> 00:13:22,239 the better to understand how we may aid them. 191 00:13:28,799 --> 00:13:32,198 To disguise myself, I have replaced my rich clothes with these rags 192 00:13:32,199 --> 00:13:34,958 whilst you, Servegood, being of the servant classes, 193 00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:38,798 will blend in naturally. Truly we are chameleons, sir! 194 00:13:38,799 --> 00:13:40,159 Aha, a hovel! 195 00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:45,798 He looks the sort. How so? 196 00:13:45,799 --> 00:13:48,718 Clearly a rich philanthropist in disguise. 197 00:13:48,719 --> 00:13:50,838 The East End's full of them. 198 00:13:50,839 --> 00:13:54,878 Awight, mate? Innit, yes? Geeza! 199 00:13:54,879 --> 00:13:58,278 Oh, sod off, you obvious toff! 200 00:13:58,279 --> 00:14:01,518 I am not a toff... innit. 201 00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:03,718 Door, Servegood. 202 00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:04,759 Sir! 203 00:14:11,119 --> 00:14:14,718 Is anybody in here poor? 204 00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:16,919 I'm poor. Excellent! 205 00:14:18,439 --> 00:14:19,879 What is your name, wretch? 206 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,038 My name... 207 00:14:22,039 --> 00:14:24,798 is Mr Jolliforth Jollington. 208 00:14:24,799 --> 00:14:27,319 Jolliforth! 209 00:14:28,759 --> 00:14:31,558 Come on, earn some money. 210 00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:36,519 It is Easter soon, and I want an Easter feast. That man. 211 00:14:37,839 --> 00:14:41,278 Dear old friend of bygone days, how did this happen? 212 00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:43,398 How kind of you to ask. 213 00:14:43,399 --> 00:14:47,078 Well, after debtor's prison I got myself back on my feet. 214 00:14:47,079 --> 00:14:49,958 Opened a little shop, very much like yours. 215 00:14:49,959 --> 00:14:52,398 You were my inspiration. 216 00:14:52,399 --> 00:14:54,318 Oh, well... 217 00:14:54,319 --> 00:14:58,638 We sold a range of small, tasteful objects and pants. 218 00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:02,078 Called KnickKnacks and Knickers. It did well. 219 00:15:02,079 --> 00:15:05,998 Until one day, one of your shops opened opposite. 220 00:15:05,999 --> 00:15:09,198 28 minutes later, my own shop went bankrupt. 221 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:12,518 My fault! No, no, dear chap. Not at all. 222 00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:15,359 Well, maybe a bit. 223 00:15:21,239 --> 00:15:24,998 Oh, you have a mouthful of jam. 224 00:15:24,999 --> 00:15:27,278 Yes, it is jam-like, isn't it? 225 00:15:27,279 --> 00:15:30,118 But no, in this instance it's blood. 226 00:15:30,119 --> 00:15:34,678 From the consumption I now have due to living in such awful conditions. 227 00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:36,318 All thanks to you. 228 00:15:36,319 --> 00:15:39,598 I am sorry. Oh, don't worry, 229 00:15:39,599 --> 00:15:43,638 I've found a way of dealing with it by becoming incredibly bitter. 230 00:15:43,639 --> 00:15:46,558 In fact, I might change my name from Jolliforth Jollington 231 00:15:46,559 --> 00:15:49,318 to Bitterforth Bitterington. Really? 232 00:15:49,319 --> 00:15:54,078 No, I won't be able to. Because I'll be too dead. 233 00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:57,518 Come, old friend. Let me take you to my home, help you recover. 234 00:15:57,519 --> 00:15:59,318 Too late, life ruiner! 235 00:15:59,319 --> 00:16:03,398 The cold numbness of creeping death approaches! 236 00:16:03,399 --> 00:16:06,959 I can't feel my hands. Or my shoulders. 237 00:16:08,679 --> 00:16:11,838 Though my elbows really, really hurt. 238 00:16:11,839 --> 00:16:13,719 Ow! Mind my elbows! 239 00:16:15,079 --> 00:16:17,598 I am so cold! 240 00:16:17,599 --> 00:16:19,679 But I can see Jesus! 241 00:16:21,599 --> 00:16:24,838 And he's lit a lovely fire for me. 242 00:16:24,839 --> 00:16:26,878 And put the kettle on. 243 00:16:26,879 --> 00:16:29,838 What's that, Jesus? 244 00:16:29,839 --> 00:16:33,158 Yes, I'm with Jedrington. 245 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,599 I know, he is awful. 246 00:16:37,559 --> 00:16:40,358 Oh! Here I come, Jesus! 247 00:16:40,359 --> 00:16:43,519 White with two sugars, please! 248 00:16:45,279 --> 00:16:47,319 A biscuit might be nice. 249 00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:51,679 No! He is dead! 250 00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:53,959 Joy, he lives yet! 251 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:58,358 I... forgive... you. 252 00:16:58,359 --> 00:17:01,838 Thank you... 253 00:17:01,839 --> 00:17:03,278 Not! 254 00:17:03,279 --> 00:17:04,838 Really dying now. 255 00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:05,879 Ah! 256 00:17:21,559 --> 00:17:23,359 Jedrington? 257 00:17:25,799 --> 00:17:27,638 Ooh, cannon dinner time! 258 00:17:27,639 --> 00:17:31,358 God bless the late Conceptiva Secret-Past! 259 00:17:31,359 --> 00:17:35,798 Why, that is my name! I am remembering! 260 00:17:35,799 --> 00:17:37,639 I remember every... 261 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:46,358 The death of his friend has pushed him close to the edge. 262 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:49,358 One final shove will give me 263 00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,558 sole control of the business. 264 00:17:52,559 --> 00:17:55,918 Then my fiendish plan can proceed. 265 00:17:55,919 --> 00:18:00,199 Do you want me to kick his stomach out until he hands it over, sir? 266 00:18:01,199 --> 00:18:02,718 No. 267 00:18:02,719 --> 00:18:05,878 Cunning must come before stomach kicking. 268 00:18:05,879 --> 00:18:09,039 And you're as cunning as an 'edgehog, sir. 269 00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:11,838 You mean fox? 270 00:18:11,839 --> 00:18:14,718 Hedgehog's far more cunning. 271 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,358 Every raided henhouse, every dead chicken. 272 00:18:17,359 --> 00:18:19,558 That's hedgehogs, that is. 273 00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:23,318 They pin the blame on the fox. 274 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:25,519 That's how cunning they are. 275 00:18:26,759 --> 00:18:31,158 Ah! Then I shall play the hedgehog. 276 00:18:31,159 --> 00:18:33,118 A vision of his dead wife 277 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:36,719 inspired this "help the poor" nonsense. 278 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:43,718 Well, I shall provide him with a vision of my very own. 279 00:18:43,719 --> 00:18:49,398 But first, I think it's time for young Victor to... Heh! 280 00:18:49,399 --> 00:18:52,679 Complete his studies at St Nasty's. 281 00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:58,198 Right, science practical. 282 00:18:58,199 --> 00:19:00,558 This is the world's first 283 00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:03,198 fully automatic boy caner, 284 00:19:03,199 --> 00:19:05,878 the Beating Jenny. 285 00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:10,798 It can thrash 200 boys an hour at any intensity 286 00:19:10,799 --> 00:19:13,678 from Avuncular Buttock Pat 287 00:19:13,679 --> 00:19:16,638 all the way up to Death By Spanking. 288 00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:19,998 Smalcolm, dear chum! Help me! No chums here, young man! 289 00:19:19,999 --> 00:19:25,558 Nor friends, pals, buddies or homies. 290 00:19:25,559 --> 00:19:28,999 Wait! He isn't tied in properly. 291 00:19:31,639 --> 00:19:34,838 I... I wasn't winking if that's what you thought, sir. 292 00:19:34,839 --> 00:19:38,599 It was merely a twitch, cos I'm a freak. 293 00:19:40,039 --> 00:19:42,199 Good. Right, here we go. 294 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,398 Ha-ha-ha! 295 00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:50,599 Argh! 296 00:19:56,159 --> 00:19:58,359 Oops! My bad. 297 00:20:00,239 --> 00:20:01,598 It's called a mattress. 298 00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:04,278 It's the only one in the whole North of England. 299 00:20:04,279 --> 00:20:06,759 Arrgh! 300 00:20:07,879 --> 00:20:11,359 I say, what a stroke of luck! 301 00:20:13,159 --> 00:20:15,678 I may yet save my family. 302 00:20:15,679 --> 00:20:16,999 To London! 303 00:20:19,759 --> 00:20:22,079 Right, back to sleeping on gravel then. 304 00:20:23,559 --> 00:20:25,198 Jedrington. 305 00:20:25,199 --> 00:20:27,558 I have good news, 306 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:30,318 and I have bad news. 307 00:20:30,319 --> 00:20:33,118 Your son is missing, 308 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:36,679 presumed dead after a caning accident at St Nasty's. 309 00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:42,278 Oh! To hear such news on Easter Eve. 310 00:20:42,279 --> 00:20:45,678 Pray, what is the good news? 311 00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:49,718 The good news is you won't have to tell your daughter the bad news, 312 00:20:49,719 --> 00:20:53,318 because she has run away. 313 00:20:53,319 --> 00:20:54,958 "Dear Papa, 314 00:20:54,959 --> 00:20:58,998 "I can no longer live with a father responsible for Mother's death, 315 00:20:58,999 --> 00:21:02,318 "not to mention one who has never given Miss Tightclench a raise. 316 00:21:02,319 --> 00:21:05,278 "Bye! Victoria." 317 00:21:05,279 --> 00:21:06,958 This is not her handwriting. 318 00:21:06,959 --> 00:21:09,959 That is how distressed she was. 319 00:21:11,279 --> 00:21:13,638 Changed her writing. 320 00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:15,518 Where has she gone? 321 00:21:15,519 --> 00:21:17,838 No idea... 322 00:21:17,839 --> 00:21:19,999 Papa! 323 00:21:22,639 --> 00:21:24,598 Oh! I hear her voice! 324 00:21:24,599 --> 00:21:27,398 A guilty manifestation of her presence! 325 00:21:27,399 --> 00:21:29,078 Yup, definitely that. 326 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:34,399 You'll probably want to sign the business over to me now then. 327 00:21:36,199 --> 00:21:37,558 Yes. 328 00:21:37,559 --> 00:21:38,798 No. 329 00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:40,558 I don't know! 330 00:21:40,559 --> 00:21:43,238 I need to think. 331 00:21:43,239 --> 00:21:46,038 Sleep on it. 332 00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:48,758 The answers to such things 333 00:21:48,759 --> 00:21:51,359 often come in the night. 334 00:21:56,959 --> 00:22:01,838 Bonjour. Je suis une femme. Comment allez-vous? 335 00:22:01,839 --> 00:22:05,038 Eh? What's that babbling babble? 336 00:22:05,039 --> 00:22:09,558 Oh, lawks! You've turned French on me! 337 00:22:09,559 --> 00:22:12,838 J'ai besoin d'une boisson. 338 00:22:12,839 --> 00:22:14,518 Avez-vous du pastis? 339 00:22:14,519 --> 00:22:19,958 Ah. But there is money in this Gallic turn of events. 340 00:22:19,959 --> 00:22:23,918 Plenty of unsavoury sorts want Frenchness. 341 00:22:23,919 --> 00:22:27,078 Ou est la plume de ma tante? 342 00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:30,838 C'est sur le pont d'Avignon. 343 00:22:30,839 --> 00:22:35,279 ♪ Alouette, gentille alouette... ♪ 344 00:22:36,999 --> 00:22:40,878 Jedrington Secret-Past! 345 00:22:40,879 --> 00:22:42,598 You are a bad man! 346 00:22:42,599 --> 00:22:45,838 I know! And to rub that in, 347 00:22:45,839 --> 00:22:48,958 you shall receive visits from spirits, 348 00:22:48,959 --> 00:22:51,559 who will impart moral lessons! 349 00:22:54,639 --> 00:22:59,119 Behold, the ghost of Easter past! 350 00:23:02,719 --> 00:23:06,438 What do you want with me, dread rabbit? 351 00:23:06,439 --> 00:23:09,759 Behold Easter past! 352 00:23:10,799 --> 00:23:15,918 This is you and your family, last Easter... 353 00:23:15,919 --> 00:23:18,318 Look at how happy you were. 354 00:23:18,319 --> 00:23:22,438 Before you ruined everything! 355 00:23:22,439 --> 00:23:24,278 Yes! 356 00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:30,118 Whereas this Easter, you have a dead wife, 357 00:23:30,119 --> 00:23:32,678 a probably dead son, 358 00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:34,879 and a missing daughter. 359 00:23:37,759 --> 00:23:40,598 And... I can't emphasise this enough... 360 00:23:40,599 --> 00:23:43,078 it's all your fault! 361 00:23:43,079 --> 00:23:49,998 Yes, my fault! Oh, show me no more, dread, rabbity spirit! 362 00:23:49,999 --> 00:23:52,438 There is much more to show! 363 00:23:52,439 --> 00:23:55,798 But for now, I shall leave you 364 00:23:55,799 --> 00:23:58,879 to have a good, guilty think. 365 00:24:05,799 --> 00:24:08,239 You have found a third player for our next vision? 366 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,759 Yes, sir. This is Gob. 367 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:17,598 Ah! I asked for a small, frail boy! 368 00:24:17,599 --> 00:24:21,558 He's an old army friend, sir. Very good actor. 369 00:24:21,559 --> 00:24:24,838 He and I were a huge hit as Romeo and Juliet 370 00:24:24,839 --> 00:24:28,158 up on the North West Frontier. 371 00:24:28,159 --> 00:24:29,758 Good kisser, too. 372 00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:33,079 He'll have to do. Positions, everyone! 373 00:24:40,759 --> 00:24:45,158 Now, behold the pain you have wrought 374 00:24:45,159 --> 00:24:48,439 in Easter Present! 375 00:24:49,559 --> 00:24:52,838 Oh, dear wife. We are so poor and hungry. 376 00:24:52,839 --> 00:24:54,718 Yes, dear husband. 377 00:24:54,719 --> 00:24:58,558 We definitely both feel more miserable 378 00:24:58,559 --> 00:25:02,558 than we have ever felt miserable before! 379 00:25:02,559 --> 00:25:04,998 Who are these people? 380 00:25:04,999 --> 00:25:09,558 Just some of the many wretches whose lives you have ruined 381 00:25:09,559 --> 00:25:11,598 with your business. 382 00:25:11,599 --> 00:25:15,238 A business you really ought to get rid of as soon as possible. 383 00:25:15,239 --> 00:25:16,358 Yes, I should. 384 00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:20,518 At least we still have our beloved child. 385 00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:24,518 Hark! I hear his dainty tread! 386 00:25:24,519 --> 00:25:27,438 Dear Ti... Massive Tim! 387 00:25:27,439 --> 00:25:31,199 Sit on my knee, beloved chi... Oh! 388 00:25:32,399 --> 00:25:36,118 How is your cough, tiny mite? 389 00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:39,718 Oh, fine. Probably not deadly. 390 00:25:39,719 --> 00:25:43,478 If only we could afford medicine! 391 00:25:43,479 --> 00:25:45,518 Still, it is nearly Easter. 392 00:25:45,519 --> 00:25:48,878 Even though I'll probably die soon, 393 00:25:48,879 --> 00:25:52,359 God bless us, every one! 394 00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:57,558 Except for Jedrington Secret-Past. 395 00:25:57,559 --> 00:25:59,559 God unbless him! 396 00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:08,399 What have I done? What have I done? 397 00:26:14,039 --> 00:26:16,798 What visions will you show me, spirit? 398 00:26:16,799 --> 00:26:20,478 Easter's not the same without Tim. 399 00:26:20,479 --> 00:26:23,878 No! Not Massive Tim! Where is Massive Tim? 400 00:26:23,879 --> 00:26:25,638 Let him not be dead! 401 00:26:25,639 --> 00:26:29,759 Though he is still here... Oh, joy! Not dead! 402 00:26:30,999 --> 00:26:33,358 Leg or breast? 403 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:37,198 No! He is to be eaten by his own family! 404 00:26:37,199 --> 00:26:40,358 And it is all my fault! 405 00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:43,439 Aargh! 406 00:26:46,079 --> 00:26:50,278 I have gone mad with guilt and am off to take my own life. My dear friend, how awful! 407 00:26:50,279 --> 00:26:53,238 Don't suppose you want to sign the business over first? 408 00:26:53,239 --> 00:26:56,838 As the spirits commanded! 409 00:26:56,839 --> 00:26:58,799 Are those rabbit whiskers? 410 00:27:00,279 --> 00:27:03,758 No. Oh. 411 00:27:03,759 --> 00:27:05,679 Aarrghh! 412 00:27:23,519 --> 00:27:27,159 Arrgh! Arrgh! Sir! Sir! Sir! 413 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:38,318 This is where Conceptiva met her end. 414 00:27:38,319 --> 00:27:42,398 It is only fit I meet mine here also. 415 00:27:42,399 --> 00:27:45,838 Servegood, you have been a loyal servant, 416 00:27:45,839 --> 00:27:47,078 friend, even, 417 00:27:47,079 --> 00:27:48,638 so I wish you to have 418 00:27:48,639 --> 00:27:52,198 this enormous sum of money as severance pay. 419 00:27:52,199 --> 00:27:55,158 Now I must ask one last service. 420 00:27:55,159 --> 00:27:57,599 Give us a shove, will you? 421 00:27:59,479 --> 00:28:02,358 The finest service I can do you now 422 00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:06,118 is not to let you take your own life. 423 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:10,878 Quite right, Servegood. You've totally talked me out of it. 424 00:28:10,879 --> 00:28:14,678 Oh, dear. I've dropped my watch. I'll get it, sir. 425 00:28:14,679 --> 00:28:15,999 Bye-e-e! 426 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:25,558 O-o-o... 427 00:28:25,559 --> 00:28:30,438 o-o-o... 428 00:28:30,439 --> 00:28:31,519 o-o-o! 429 00:28:34,399 --> 00:28:35,839 Goodbye, sir. 430 00:28:38,668 --> 00:28:43,968 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru31168

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