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1
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,999
Mulled wine!
Get your lovely mulled wine!
2
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,679
Mulled mullet! Get your mullet here!
3
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,039
Mulled mullet, sir?
4
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,800
Find out the date and
time for a farthing!
5
00:01:05,801 --> 00:01:07,559
Date and time for a farthing!
6
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,719
Find out the date and time
for a farthing!
7
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,479
Why, it's mid-nineteenth century,
just before lunch,
8
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,279
on Christmas Eve o'clock.
9
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,480
Curses!
I thought it was 20 to Easter!
10
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:25,839
Ah! Mulled wine!
11
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,279
Get your lovely mulled wine!
12
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,440
Mulled wine! Oh!
Get your lovely mulled wine!
13
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,640
Aha!
14
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,759
I urgently need Christmas presents
for one wife, one son, one mother.
15
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,560
Of course, sir.
Perhaps for your son,
16
00:01:47,561 --> 00:01:49,839
a pineapple Duke Of Wellington?
17
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:54,279
A healthy mix of fruit and militarism.
I'll take it. And for your wife,
18
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,520
how about this wheel of
tiger milk cheddar?
19
00:01:56,521 --> 00:02:00,199
She does love a novelty curdled
milk product. I'll have that, too.
20
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,380
Perhaps those busts of
the Muses for Mother?
21
00:02:02,381 --> 00:02:04,559
Alas, not for sale.
Sentimental reasons.
22
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:08,519
Might I suggest instead a rhyming pair
of slippers and kippers gift set?
23
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,719
Fishy and comfortable!
24
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,360
What a wonderful shop!
25
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:15,400
Good day. Good day.
26
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,440
Allow me...
27
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,120
Thank you.
My husband adores his hot and
28
00:02:22,121 --> 00:02:24,119
spicy dodo wings.
And that is the last tin.
29
00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,360
I'm sure you can order more. No.
30
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,039
Aarghh! Urchin alert!
The underclass is here!
31
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,079
Please, Lady Spendlots,
show some Christmas spirit.
32
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:35,320
Can I help you,
33
00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,559
rough, strange-smelling boy?
34
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,159
What can I get for this
handful of horse dung?
35
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,439
Why, a whole two handfuls
of sheep dung.
36
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,840
Cor, this is going to be
a brilliant Christmas!
37
00:02:45,841 --> 00:02:47,760
Thanks, Mister! Mm-hmm.
38
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,279
Let all hear this.
39
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,239
My shop is free of class,
division and prejudice,
40
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,799
and is open to everyone!
41
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,919
Bonjour.
42
00:02:57,920 --> 00:03:00,079
Except, of course, the French!
43
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,719
Hurrah!
44
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,399
Ah!
45
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,759
It is closing time, I am afraid.
46
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,140
A Christmas harrumble for the
noble Mr Jedrington Secret-Past!
47
00:03:08,141 --> 00:03:10,520
CUSTOMERS: A
Christmas harrumble!
48
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,159
And now, perhaps, you can turn from
business to pleasure.
49
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,759
Dearest wife, Conceptiva!
50
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,999
Beloved children,
Victor and Victoria!
51
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,839
Merry Yuletidiness, Father.
52
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,719
I have made you
a festive jam spaniel.
53
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,960
I shall save it for later,
my littlie.
54
00:03:40,961 --> 00:03:44,279
Is it now time for Christmas, Papa,
and games such as
55
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,399
Mucka-Lucka-Wucka
and Pin The Tail On The Pauper?
56
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,519
Not quite yet.
57
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,079
For remember, by law,
Christmas only truly begins
58
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,759
with the midnight chimes of London's
three great alliterative clocks,
59
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,279
Big Ben,
60
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,800
Massive Maurice...
61
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,440
and Tiny Terry.
62
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:07,439
But, when they chime, why, it is
Christmas ahoy and joy-o'clock. Now,
63
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,159
I must to the butcher
64
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,800
for our feast of rack of badger.
65
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,519
If you hurry home, my love, you may
find an early Christmas present.
66
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,940
For beneath my skirt, my
underskirt, my under-under
67
00:04:18,941 --> 00:04:21,359
skirt, my over-pants,
my sub-over-pants,
68
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,199
and my proxidermal,
anti-tactile man-be-gones,
69
00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:27,439
WHISPERS: I am wearing
virtually nothing at all.
70
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:28,840
Cripes!
71
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:44,079
I command you to emerge!
72
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:46,680
Yes? Are you a rude carol singer?
73
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:54,280
Thank you, Mr Hacksmeat.
God bless you, sir.
74
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,520
Merry Christmas.
75
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,479
But tall and frightening sir,
76
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,839
there must be a misunderstanding.
77
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,919
I assure you, madam,
if there has been a misunderstanding,
78
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,039
it is the misunderstanding
you have made in misunderstanding
79
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,559
that there is no misunderstanding
other than your own misunderstanding.
80
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,759
Merry Christmas.
81
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,479
Look, my love, he also threw in
a brace of that most
82
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,600
Christmassy of birds,
the tinsel tit. Oh!
83
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:25,639
You are Jedrington Secret-Past,
84
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:27,759
owner of the Old Shop Of Stuff?
85
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,080
I am, but...
86
00:05:29,081 --> 00:05:31,399
Silence!
87
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,879
By order of court, I,
88
00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:35,719
Malifax Skulkingworm,
89
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,079
hereby detainerate
90
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:41,559
your entire estatelment,
including, and not outcluding,
91
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,239
ALL chattels, owningtons,
92
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:47,839
possessionaries,
and what we lawyers call...
93
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:48,879
"things".
94
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,359
You... what?
95
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,360
I am taking everything you own.
96
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,039
Oh! Such cruelty!
97
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,439
I assure you, madam, I am not cruel.
98
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:04,319
Indeed, I am a lovelington
and a softy-boots.
99
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,919
But alas, I work for a client who is,
to use a legal term,
100
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,799
a "right old meanie".
101
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,240
What client?
102
00:06:11,241 --> 00:06:14,119
Alas, the law forbids me
to tell you his name.
103
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,639
Naughty, nasty law!
104
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,959
You must at least tell me
what I am supposed to have done!
105
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,599
You have an unpaid debt.
106
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,279
I have never borrowed money
in my life!
107
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:28,559
No, but your grandfather did, and as
his heir, the debt is now yours.
108
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,000
That is impossible,
for I have no grandfather.
109
00:06:31,001 --> 00:06:35,359
My husband is a foundling, adopted by a
family who discovered him as an infant
110
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,879
left in a toy railway station
left in a handbag shop.
111
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:43,799
Nonetheless, I have documents
which prove that the debt is yours.
112
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,640
Fearshiver!
113
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:51,240
Begging your pudding
and baking your pardon, sir.
114
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,999
But...
this is incomprehensible gibberish.
115
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,399
Yes. It is the law.
116
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:06,279
There are three pages here where it just
says "weasel". How much is this debt?
117
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,119
Two guineas.
118
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,760
Oh, well, if that's all it is...
119
00:07:09,761 --> 00:07:12,079
I hadn't finished. Two guineas,
120
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,999
another 3,000 guineas, a half crown,
121
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,319
two tiaras, five farthings,
and sweatlepence.
122
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,220
Where am I supposed to
find that kind of money?
123
00:07:20,221 --> 00:07:22,119
I don't even know
what some of it is!
124
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,959
How much is sweatlepence?
125
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,399
About 4,000 guineas.
126
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,959
(How much?)
127
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,840
Can you pay this debt?
128
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,719
I cannot.
129
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,519
Then I hereby confiscate
all that you own
130
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:39,399
until such time as the debt
is repaymentified!
131
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:42,240
So, I am to lose everything?
132
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:48,359
Not everything, my dear husband,
for we still have each other.
133
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,180
Yes, as to that, according
to the Married Man's
134
00:07:51,181 --> 00:07:53,999
Property and Insult
to Women Act of 1806,
135
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,559
you and your children
are deemed your husband's property.
136
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,919
Remove them!
137
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,759
Oh!
I fear an attack of the panications!
138
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,599
This will calm you, Mama.
139
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,920
Thank you, Victoria.
Though also, ow.
140
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,559
SCREAMS
141
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,639
In you get. And now,
142
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,280
remove the property!
143
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,680
HORSE WHINNIES
144
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,400
LAUGHS EVILLY
145
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,440
SCREAMS
146
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,879
They will be held in London's
most notorious debtor's prison.
147
00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,599
Not The Skint? Certainly.
148
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,039
Oh, and did I mention
149
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,679
that if the debt is not repaid
by Christmas Day,
150
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,479
you will lose you family for ever?
151
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,119
But that is...
152
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:08,759
less than eleven hours away!
153
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,199
Ooh, I'll take that, thank you!
154
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,239
Should you need me, by any chance,
155
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,640
here's my card.
156
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,520
Now, one last thing...
157
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:24,480
LAUGHS LOUDLY
158
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,319
I'm awfully sorry.
Again, not me, my client.
159
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,759
He really is the most colossal git.
160
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,999
Come on, Fearshiver.
161
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:42,279
A Christmas boo for Mr Secret-Past,
the debt-ridden liar.
162
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:44,719
CUSTOMERS: A Christmas boo!
163
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:45,960
I must seek help.
164
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,959
You arrive at an exciting time,
dear adoptive nephew.
165
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:05,440
We have just decorated
our Christmas tree.
166
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,118
How... festive.
167
00:10:09,119 --> 00:10:11,398
Alas, I am in trouble,
adoptive maiden aunts,
168
00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:12,880
adoptive maiden uncle.
169
00:10:12,881 --> 00:10:14,399
Such effrontery!
170
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:18,039
If our parents chose to name us
after the great virtues,
171
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:22,079
morality dictates
you should speak our names out loud.
172
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,919
Of course, Aunt Chastity,
dear Aunt Sobriety,
173
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,799
Aunt Good-Spelling,
Uncle Writes-Prompt-Thank-You-Cards.
174
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,520
Have a seat, dear boy. Thank you.
175
00:10:30,521 --> 00:10:32,039
Oh! Ah! Eee!
176
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,359
What? The deadly sin of sloth!
177
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,040
Would you like some cake?
178
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,239
Please. Oh! Ah! Eee!
179
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,559
What? The deadly sin of gluttony!
180
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,679
Then I shall not have cake.
181
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,079
I don't blame you. It's horrid.
182
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,719
Gravel cake is the most
sternly moral cake of them all.
183
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,160
After jam and Bible sponge.
Please, I do not have
184
00:10:52,161 --> 00:10:54,240
time to discuss the ethics
of baked goods, for
185
00:10:54,241 --> 00:10:56,319
my shop and my family
have been taken from me.
186
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,279
Oh! Ah! Eee! Why?
187
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:02,719
The courts believe that I have
inherited a debt from my grandfather.
188
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,118
But as a foundling,
I have no grandfather.
189
00:11:05,119 --> 00:11:06,358
Do I?
190
00:11:06,359 --> 00:11:07,600
AUNTS: Definitely not.
191
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,959
That is not entirely true...
192
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,279
is it? Yes it is.
193
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,720
Shut up,
Writes-Prompt-Thank-You-Cards.
194
00:11:16,721 --> 00:11:19,999
Please. You know how proud I am
of overcoming my orphanhood.
195
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,239
Oh! Ah! Eee! The deadly sin of pride!
196
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:25,680
All those years, watching other
families, wishing I had one of my own.
197
00:11:25,681 --> 00:11:27,279
Oh! Ah! Eee! Envy!
198
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,438
Dear maiden aunts,
199
00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:29,760
I miss my wife.
200
00:11:29,761 --> 00:11:31,599
That definitely hints at lust!
201
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,639
To have my family taken away...
I cannot bear the thought!
202
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:36,640
And now wrath!
203
00:11:36,641 --> 00:11:38,879
Dear boy,
204
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:39,880
your name is...
205
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,799
not without meaning.
206
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,839
What, Jedrington?
207
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:52,439
The other one. Secret-Past? What
meaning could that possibly have?
208
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,759
None whatsoever. Goodbye. No!
209
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,120
It's time he was told.
210
00:11:56,121 --> 00:11:57,679
Very well.
211
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,599
But one more deadly sin,
and he's out of here!
212
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,639
There was once another chair
round this table.
213
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,639
A fourth maiden aunt?
214
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,719
Neither maiden, nor aunt.
215
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:08,960
What do you mean?
216
00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:10,759
It's a long story.
217
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:14,239
How long? 10 hours, 43
minutes. Then it must wait,
218
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:18,199
for that is slightly longer than the
time I have in which to free my family.
219
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,420
Please, dear adoptive
relatives, I need to
220
00:12:20,421 --> 00:12:22,639
borrow a considerable
sum of money from you.
221
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,399
Oh! Ah! Eee! Avarice!
222
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,399
Sin Go!
223
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:30,079
SCREAMS
224
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,080
Please! You're the only
adoptive family I've got!
225
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:36,360
I am hurt.
226
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,000
I must visit my poor family.
227
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:06,199
Why, new guests! Welcome, welcome
to this finest of institutions!
228
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,879
Finest of institutions?
Are you some kind of mentalist?
229
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,120
Dearest, please, do not say
"mentalist".
230
00:13:13,121 --> 00:13:15,881
It is very insulting.
Kindly use a more sensitive
231
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,640
term such as soft-head,
nut-job or derange-atron.
232
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,519
Allow me to introduce myself...
I am Mr Jolliforth Jollington,
233
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:27,140
a man who believes
that even in desperate
234
00:13:27,141 --> 00:13:29,759
circumstances there can
be politeness and joy.
235
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:34,039
For is it not Christmas, the
jolliest, holliest time of all?
236
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,879
For Christmas brings games and
237
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,799
japes and jellies and baubles
238
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:41,159
and peace and goodwill to all men...
239
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,280
Oh! It is the most
wonderful time of the year!
240
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,280
Say what you like, mother, he's
definitely a mentalist.
241
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,880
Tough crowd.
Madam, with your blessing I shall
242
00:13:53,881 --> 00:13:57,199
show your children the
finer side of The Skint!
243
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:01,439
Well, the rest of it, anyway.
There isn't really a finer side.
244
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,720
Please, if there is hope in
this hellish place, show them it.
245
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,480
BELLS PEAL, RAVENS CAW
246
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,840
Mr Skulkingworm!
247
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,160
Mr Skulkingworm!
248
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:54,559
You fiend! Look what you have done to
me and my family. Have you no mercy?
249
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:59,239
Madam, I am brimming with mercy.
Look at my merciful eyes...
250
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:02,159
See my merciful elbows...
251
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,959
Hear my merciful voice...
252
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:11,559
Oh, ooh, ooh, oh...
253
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:18,439
But alas, my client wishes you to
suffer like rats in a rat sufferer.
254
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:21,280
And I must do his bidding.
255
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:23,720
No!
256
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,919
JOLLIFORTH: ..and alas, the horse
ate all my money and so here I am.
257
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,359
Are you sure you're not mad?
258
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,439
No, just a man who cannot tell
259
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,119
a horse from a bank. Ah! But here is
a man who is truly bonkers-o-matic.
260
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,140
This is The Skint's
longest-serving and most
261
00:15:50,141 --> 00:15:53,159
mysterious resident,
Mr Martin Fruitcake...
262
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:59,399
Please, join me in a toast to my
forthcoming nuptials!
263
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:05,999
Ah, egg nog! Delicious! There is
no drink more eggy or more noggy...
264
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,239
even when it is pretend!
265
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:15,919
Christmas tomorrow, wedding
tomorrow, happy then, yes...
266
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:19,999
Great. One mentalist, one nut-job.
267
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,639
What is he rambling on about?
268
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:26,559
He is silent all year, then every
Yuletide Eve he talks of marriage
269
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,920
and comes to this visitors' window
as if waiting for someone.
270
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:39,479
FOOTSTEPS
271
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,159
Papa! Papa!
272
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,919
I would recognise that paternal
trouser anywhere!
273
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,639
Papa! Papa!
274
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,680
Dear children! But where?
Papa, look!
275
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:58,999
Ah, Terpsichore, muse of dance...
276
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:04,679
No! Those statues were found next
to my abandoned infant husband.
277
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,120
The only connection to his real
family he has!
278
00:17:07,121 --> 00:17:09,559
Maybe. We think.
279
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,599
An accident, I assure you.
280
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:18,719
Look, Graham, muse of sensible
names... Oh!
281
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,400
Clumsy me. So careless.
Please forgive me.
282
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,800
And who do we have here?
283
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:29,879
Why, Custard-Paia, muse
of slapstick... Oh!
284
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,319
My goodness!
285
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:33,919
SMASHING POTTERY
286
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,760
No! My poor husband!
287
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:43,559
Hellnation and botherington!
It is not here!
288
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,319
What is not?
289
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,279
Wait.
290
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:50,220
There were only 11.
Where is Sentimentalus,
291
00:17:50,221 --> 00:17:53,159
muse of greetings-cards writers?
292
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,719
Not found with my husband.
293
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,880
Indeed, never found.
294
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,319
Then my client says to you...
295
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,999
Grrrrrrrr-aaarrgh!!!
296
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,440
Well, I bid you a cheery goodbye.
297
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:14,960
Oh, no!
298
00:18:14,961 --> 00:18:19,439
I am getting the Tremblies!
Children, where are you?
299
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:25,239
WOMAN: They ain't here,
my little duck... but I'll help.
300
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,999
Who... who are you, hideous crone?
The name's Maggotty.
301
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,580
But you'll call me friend,
my little moorhen,
302
00:18:31,581 --> 00:18:34,160
once you've tasted some of this...
303
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:40,319
VICTORIA: Here we are! VICTOR: Down
here! Papa, we're down here. Papa!
304
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,599
Victor! Victoria, my littlie!
Are you all right?
305
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,639
We have made a friend.
This is Mr Jolliforth Jollington.
306
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:47,760
How do you do, sir?
307
00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:52,279
How do you do? I am delighted to
make your fenestral acquaintanceship.
308
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,780
For as the progenitor of these
fine offspring, you must
309
00:18:55,781 --> 00:18:59,279
be a man of fine loins and
even finer character...
310
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:01,960
And why, to meet you
so near to Christmas,
311
00:19:01,961 --> 00:19:04,639
that finest of days...
Shut it, loon-chops.
312
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,639
Ow.
313
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,199
But thank you for the gift
of a jolly Christmas bruise.
314
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,999
FRUITCAKE: Ah, the first guest,
welcome!
315
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,879
But what...
316
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:18,800
It cannot be! Things may yet
be mended!
317
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,279
Sir, you must take this
to your daughter at once
318
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,840
as proof of me and my me-ness!
319
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,839
For I am me and she is she, put
us together and we shall be we...
320
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,999
Father, have you paid the debt?
321
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,920
Alas, my adoptive maiden
aunts have been less
322
00:19:36,921 --> 00:19:39,839
than generous, the
sour-faced old arid purses.
323
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,360
But not your uncle!
324
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,880
It's taken me ages to find you.
325
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,999
For The Skint is on Everowe
Street and they have not yet
326
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,240
finished this wretched book!
327
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:57,479
Never mind, for I bring this.
328
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:01,599
A £7,301 note! This will cover
the debt! But how?
329
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:06,999
I sold your maiden aunts to a house
of ill-repute! There is much demand
330
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:11,159
for sternly frightening women
in such establishments. Ugh.
331
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,400
Then I can free my family!
332
00:20:12,401 --> 00:20:17,279
You can. And now that those
moralising harpies are gone,
333
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,719
I can go and get drunk,
eat real cake, do swearing
334
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,839
and maybe even
335
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,560
touch a lady!
336
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,959
We shall yet be Christmas-ed
together! Now run, tell your mother!
337
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,519
And oh, mad sir, you have left your...
Mad sir, you've forgotten your...
338
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,240
Actually I could do with
a watch.
339
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:48,199
Mama! Papa has got the money and
will soon free us! Whatever...
340
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,439
Mama, are you all right?
341
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,599
Thanks to me, she's better than all
right, my little robin redbreasts.
342
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,359
Is that gin?
343
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:59,239
Better than gin,
my little song-thrush.
344
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,759
- Laudanum?
- Better yet, my little chaffinch.
345
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,359
Opium and tonic?
346
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,880
Mama, you are all sticky.
347
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,559
You warty monster! You have been
feeding her treacle!
348
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,479
So sweet... so sweet...
349
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:16,719
Plenty more where that came from,
my little Kentish plover.
350
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:21,000
Mama, no! You shall become
a treacle-fiend!
351
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,679
Ooh, sugar rush...
352
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,120
sugar rush, sugar rush!
353
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,400
Hurry, father, hurry!
354
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,039
Come!
355
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,560
Craving your clemency,
sir, but Mr
356
00:22:07,561 --> 00:22:10,080
Secret-Past says he's
got the money, sir.
357
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,679
Thank you, Fearshiver.
That will do.
358
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:19,599
Your Christmas holiday starts now.
Thank you, sir.
359
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,560
And ends now. Back to work.
360
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:28,240
Yes, sir. Thanking you for your
generous generosity, your sirness.
361
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:35,399
Here is the money. Excellent.
My client will be pleased.
362
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,679
And you will be spending
Christmas with your family.
363
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,620
Now, as you know, it's
impossible for two gentlemen
364
00:22:42,621 --> 00:22:45,559
to settle a legal
matter without a drink.
365
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,200
Perhaps a glass of port?
If you insist.
366
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,039
Ha-ha-ha...
367
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,079
Something funny?
368
00:22:56,080 --> 00:23:01,439
Er, I just saw a rather funny
pigeon flying past the window.
369
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,600
They can be amusing...
370
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,759
Mmm... I'm getting cherries...
371
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,320
oak and...
372
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,839
is that poison?
CHOKES
373
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:23,319
Fearshiver! My business with
Mr Secret-Past is concluded.
374
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:27,159
Kindly remove his soon-to-be corpse
into the street.
375
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,600
Of course, sir.
You are marvellous evil, sir.
376
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,439
It was never just about
the money, you imbecile.
377
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,320
I shall consult with my client, now.
378
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,160
Begging your unconscious pardon,
sir...
379
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,720
Although the debt is paid,
the family will not be freed.
380
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,160
Excellent work, Mr Skulkingworm.
381
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:14,480
Oh, thank you, sir. May I say
what a super client you are?
382
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:20,440
You may. Tell me, what will happen to
the wife and children?
383
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,839
As for them, sir, they will be
taken care of.
384
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,520
Ha ha ha.
385
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,719
Ah ha ha ha!
386
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,199
Ha ha ha ha!
387
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:38,880
Ha ha ha he he ha ha!
388
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,320
Ha ha ha ha!
389
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,079
Appalling! When I lost my family
390
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,439
I didn't turn to drink for
at least a week.
391
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:50,840
More Christmas boo!
392
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:56,960
Such debauchery! Drunkenly
riding on a child's roundabout!
393
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,079
Stone the crows and crucify
the sparrows,
394
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,319
we shall eat well this Christmas!
395
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,600
No. We shall eat well
next Easter.
396
00:25:11,601 --> 00:25:15,199
For though we be urchins,
we must follow the prandial dictates
397
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:19,880
of the ecclesiastical calendar,
lest we lose our humanity.
398
00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:22,839
Fiddlesticks and violin twigs!
399
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,200
Oh-ho, what have we got here?
400
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,959
Dear wife, is that you?
401
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:35,320
It ain't, mister. But don't you
wirry-worry, well look after you.
402
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:50,640
There, that'll keep the sleeve
clear, my little Manx shearwater.
403
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,040
Oh, what a hit!
404
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:08,239
Mama is so pale, so sticky.
405
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:09,960
Father will surely free us soon.
406
00:26:09,961 --> 00:26:14,439
Yes... alas, I'm afraid I bring
bad news on that front.
407
00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,599
Your father is no more.
408
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:19,799
No more what?
Is no more alive. He is dead.
409
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,079
What? How, sir?
410
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,799
There was a very dreadful accident
411
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:29,759
involving a giant vat of soup
and a very naughty horse.
412
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:33,239
Poor papa, to meet
such a soupy equine end.
413
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:37,199
Well, if it is any consolation to
you, it was quite funny to watch.
414
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,760
But he was on his way to pay you!
415
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:46,839
Yes, yes.
Unfortunately, the money is no more.
416
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,599
Then we are trapped here.
417
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,519
Despair not! Perhaps Father Christmas
418
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,959
will bring you a new father
tomorrow.
419
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:55,999
Hey? Ha ha ha!
420
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:57,799
Ha ha ha!
421
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,080
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
422
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,840
That was my cruel, handsome client
laughing evilly there, not I.
423
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,079
Where am I? Who are you?
424
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,279
You are safe with us urchins, sir.
425
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,399
You're rather old to be an urchin.
426
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,640
The Artful Codger at your service.
427
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:32,879
I never passed my exams to graduate
from urchin to
428
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,360
vagabond or ne'er-do-well.
429
00:27:34,361 --> 00:27:37,199
But don't you tribble-trouble
yourself about that, sir,
430
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,840
just sit back and rest.
431
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,919
Why are these vegetables here?
432
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:47,559
These aren't vegetables,
they're... medicine.
433
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:49,599
What's this fire for?
434
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:52,239
Just keeping you warm.
435
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,319
Were you going to eat me?
436
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,320
Eat you? Why, the very idea...
437
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,799
Oh, does he need seasoning?
He means... seasons greetings.
438
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,239
It's a speech impediment.
439
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,879
Cor, delicious gentleman for
Christmas dinner!
440
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,159
And sticky toff pudding for after!
441
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,160
No, there ain't! I cannot believe
you were going to eat me!
442
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:20,200
I avow, pledge and promise that
we were never going to eat you!
443
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,839
♪ Consider yourself our lunch!
444
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,479
♪ Consider yourself... ♪
445
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:34,919
Hang on, that's Mr Secret-Past,
446
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,320
the man who let me in his shop
and sold me dung.
447
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:42,120
But that makes you the kindest
man in all London town!
448
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,279
To think we were going to eat you!
I knew it!
449
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,199
If you don't want to be eaten,
450
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,240
don't lie in the street on
Christmas Eve.
451
00:28:50,241 --> 00:28:53,079
I had been left for dead by
an evil lawyer.
452
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:56,839
He has imprisoned my family and
unless I free them by Christmas Day
453
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:58,680
I may never see them again.
I have but...
454
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:03,759
But four hours to save them!
What am I to do?
455
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:07,320
To do am I what?
Am do what to I? What I to am do?
456
00:29:08,600 --> 00:29:11,239
Don't fit-fret, sir,
well help you!
457
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,079
Why would you help me?
458
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,919
You sold Nudger dung.
459
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:20,920
Not many would do that. Now that
dung has bound our destiny to yours.
460
00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,239
Oh, noble urchins.
461
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:27,479
Fine sir, please, no tears.
462
00:29:27,480 --> 00:29:32,759
But noble souls... my family...
Christmas... onions.
463
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:34,040
FOOTSTEPS ABOVE
464
00:29:34,041 --> 00:29:36,119
WHISTLE BLASTS
465
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,280
The Peelers! Scarper!
466
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,400
By the Manliness and
Repressed Victorian Emotion
467
00:29:46,401 --> 00:29:49,399
Act of 1838 it is illegal
for a man to cry.
468
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:50,640
You're nicked, mate.
469
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:57,239
WATCH TICKS AS BELL TOLLS
470
00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,959
ECHOING VOICES
471
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:01,479
Poor Papa!
472
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,840
Poor Mama. Poor us!
473
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:09,359
Come now, little one,
no need for tears.
474
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:13,399
I'm nine! My father is dead,
my mother is a treacle fiend,
475
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:15,839
and I'm in prison for Christmas.
476
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,280
I am allowed to cry!
477
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:21,799
A fair point, well made.
478
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:25,599
In fact, I might join you myself.
479
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:26,759
Eu he he...
480
00:30:26,760 --> 00:30:28,439
Eu vv...
481
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,479
Ng... uh he he, uh he...
482
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:35,959
Erg egh... No, it's no use,
I'm too jolly to cry.
483
00:30:35,960 --> 00:30:36,960
Well, I am not.
484
00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:39,600
Boo-hoo.
485
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,480
DOOR OPENS
486
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,919
Bail has been posted, you can go.
487
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:50,359
Oh noble urchins! Christmas!
My family!
488
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,199
Onions! Watch it.
489
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,639
Quite right, sorry.
490
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:55,720
CLOCK BELLS CHIME
491
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,480
Dear urchins, you have freed me!
492
00:31:00,481 --> 00:31:04,400
Not us, guv. I haven't quite
finished me plan yet.
493
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:11,119
I may have spent a little
too much time on the presentation.
494
00:31:11,120 --> 00:31:15,679
If your mind don't mind, sir,
it was me that freed you, sir.
495
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:19,399
Fearshiver? But... what? How? Why?
496
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:24,919
I'll tell you what-how, how-why
and even why-what. But not here.
497
00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,200
Dear urchins, I must go.
You'll need this.
498
00:31:27,201 --> 00:31:30,919
Thank you, Codger. For a man is
nothing without his hat.
499
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:34,439
If you need us, fine sir,
just shout, "Urchins ho!"
500
00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,159
and we'll be there for you.
501
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:39,520
Right, you lot, last one back to
the lair's Christmas lunch!
502
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,039
What's wrong with her?
503
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:49,799
It's the treacle setting inside
of her, my little Arctic tern.
504
00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:53,559
Soon she'll be one big toffee.
505
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:55,840
But I do not want
a mother-shaped toffee!
506
00:31:55,841 --> 00:31:57,519
I want a mother-shaped mother!
507
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,479
The perils of chasing the syrup,
my little Eurasian spoonbill.
508
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:02,720
Then we must escape.
509
00:32:02,721 --> 00:32:06,159
I may have one day wanted to follow
in Father's footsteps,
510
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,199
not fill his shoes,
but fill them I must,
511
00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:11,920
even if I have to wear two pairs
of socks to make them fit.
512
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,040
For I am the man of the family now.
513
00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,160
And I shall find a way out.
514
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:23,239
Alas, I fear your brother will fail
515
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:26,879
for no-one has ever escaped from
The Skint alive.
516
00:32:26,880 --> 00:32:29,600
Apart from one man, and he was dead.
517
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:35,560
Oh, right, yes, not the most
comforting thing I've ever said.
518
00:32:37,160 --> 00:32:40,080
Father's shop has provided.
519
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,919
Ah, damn, navvies not included.
520
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:49,280
Then I shall dig a way out myself.
521
00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:00,399
When I was younger, Mr Skulkingworm
took me in after my parents died.
522
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,399
That is kind.
523
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:06,079
Yes. And noble, seeing as it was him
that killed them in the first place.
524
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:11,439
No! He placed a large amount of
legalments and injunctions on them.
525
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,319
Literally.
They were crushed to death.
526
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:16,520
And now I see what he's
trying to do to you.
527
00:33:16,521 --> 00:33:19,959
But where are my manners?
It's Christmas Eve.
528
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:23,119
I must offer you hospitality
and vittles. No, really, I'm fine.
529
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:25,599
Begging your pardon, sir, a drink?
530
00:33:25,600 --> 00:33:28,919
Maybe a lemon sherry or a chicken
brandy? I am in quite a hurry.
531
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:33,599
Perhaps a seasonal glass
of toastingtons or whimsy juice?
532
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:39,159
I must save my family. There is no
time for drinks. Just nibbles, then?
533
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,440
I have quails eggs,
snails eggs, scotch eggs,
534
00:33:41,441 --> 00:33:43,719
Welsh eggs, Irish buns or beef.
Which will it be?
535
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,660
None! Please, just help me!
That's fine Christmas spirit.
536
00:33:46,661 --> 00:33:49,599
Maybe you don't deserve my help.
537
00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:53,680
Fine, I'll have a chicken brandy
and a scotch egg. Please.
538
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,040
See? Michaelmas manners
costeth nothingeth.
539
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:11,519
Here is the file,
which will tell you everything.
540
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:13,880
Ooh, begging your pardon,
sir, but you must be quick.
541
00:34:13,881 --> 00:34:16,239
We haven't got much time.
Then why did you...?
542
00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:17,959
Doesn't matter.
543
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:22,239
This is a will going back 40 years
of a Gently Proudbeast. Who is he?
544
00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:26,999
Once a partner in this firm.
On recently acquiring his will,
545
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,540
Mr Skulkingworm caught
a severe case of
546
00:34:29,541 --> 00:34:32,079
delighty-itis and danced
like a happy goat.
547
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,239
"I bequeath all to my male heir."
548
00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:36,620
PS ... "It sounds good, but it's
basically a massive debt."
549
00:34:36,621 --> 00:34:38,999
" He thinks you are
the male heir."
550
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,478
He must be mistaken.
551
00:34:40,479 --> 00:34:42,960
But wait,
there is a codicil. "I've changed"
552
00:34:42,961 --> 00:34:45,719
"my mind. Everything goes to the
heirs of the Skulkingworm line,"
553
00:34:45,720 --> 00:34:48,239
"that devil-hearted,
Satan-kidneyed family."
554
00:34:48,240 --> 00:34:50,180
That cured the delighty-itis.
555
00:34:50,181 --> 00:34:52,119
He stopped dancing and
started punching me.
556
00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:54,839
But there is an addendum to
the codicil. "Only joking".
557
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:56,999
That cheered him right up again.
558
00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,839
And now a postscript to
the addendum. "Or am I?"
559
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:03,479
Then an appendix to that postscript.
"No". Followed by an afterwordle.
560
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,720
"Actually I am." Frankly,
by now his moods were up
561
00:35:05,721 --> 00:35:08,359
and down like a broken pair of
automatic trousers.
562
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:09,959
Finally this ... "I revoke all"
563
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:11,240
"previous wills, codicils,
564
00:35:11,241 --> 00:35:13,159
"postscripts, addenda and
565
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:14,638
"afterwordles and bequeath all to
566
00:35:14,639 --> 00:35:16,958
"my male heir. This is my final
statement on the matter.
567
00:35:16,959 --> 00:35:18,440
"PS. Look out for a codicil
hidden in a statue".
568
00:35:18,441 --> 00:35:19,920
What does all this mean?
569
00:35:19,921 --> 00:35:22,560
FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE
He is returned! Quick! We must hide!
570
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,440
After you. After you.
After you. After you. No.
571
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:45,519
Hello, Malifax,
what have you been doing today?
572
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:51,319
I've been doing law, Conceptiva,
thank you for asking.
573
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:54,879
I say, Victor,
could you pass the mustard?
574
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,960
Why certainly, Papa.
What a good boy you are.
575
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:05,839
Victoria, may I say what
a ravishing dress that is?
576
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,760
Thank you, Papa.
577
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:12,200
Oh, my darlings.
578
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:17,560
Soon, Malifax, soon.
579
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:24,120
Isn't that chicken brandy?
580
00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:35,840
Mm! Delicious.
581
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:46,439
He means to steal my family!
And I have no way of stopping him!
582
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,239
I can't help but feel this is
all connected to the old woman.
583
00:36:49,240 --> 00:36:51,039
What old woman?
584
00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:53,559
Once a year, precisely one hour
before Christmas day,
585
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:56,000
he visits an old woman.
He'll be on his way there now.
586
00:36:56,001 --> 00:36:58,559
Then I must follow him!
587
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:01,079
Let me prepare you a picnic
for the journey.
588
00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:03,520
DOOR CLOSES
Oh.
589
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:22,439
Soon it will be Christmas.
As is traditional, I have come to
590
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:26,279
have a good
laugh at your expense.
591
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,240
HE LAUGHS
592
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:38,040
And now to claim a family
of my own at last.
593
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,999
What is this place? Who are you?
594
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:03,839
My name is Miss Christmasham.
595
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:09,680
This is my home, unchanged since my
life was ruinated many years past.
596
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:12,160
What happened?
597
00:38:12,161 --> 00:38:15,199
I was due to be married
on Christmas Day.
598
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,239
I waited at the altar
for my beloved husband-to-be.
599
00:38:18,240 --> 00:38:20,799
And I waited... and waited...
600
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:25,959
and waited... and waited...
and waited... and waited...
601
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:27,599
and waited... and waited...
602
00:38:27,600 --> 00:38:29,199
I waited and waited...
603
00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:30,238
and waited...
604
00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:31,280
and waited...
605
00:38:31,281 --> 00:38:33,159
Did he basically not turn up?
606
00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:35,439
How could you possibly fathom that?
607
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:40,399
Finally, I was told he had been
killed on the way to the church
608
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,439
by a falling Christmas goose.
Was Skulkingworm involved?
609
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:44,880
Oh, they said it was an accident,
610
00:38:44,881 --> 00:38:49,519
but there was no body ever produced,
of husband or goose.
611
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,919
Skulkingworm had him murdered,
I don't doubt that. But why?
612
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,599
His hatred for my family
is deep and vast,
613
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:59,919
like a great ocean of loathing.
614
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:03,599
It started with my father,
Gently Proudbeast.
615
00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:05,400
The man Skulkingworm thinks
I am descended from?
616
00:39:05,401 --> 00:39:07,200
You do look like him.
617
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:12,439
What a strange coincidence.
618
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:15,279
But that is Proudbeast,
yet you are Christmasham.
619
00:39:15,280 --> 00:39:20,119
My late beloved's name. It's all
that remains. That and this tooth.
620
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:23,079
We swapped teeth
as a symbol of our love.
621
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:26,559
Madam, though your story be sad,
it helps me not.
622
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:30,359
I have so little time to help
my family! It cannot be!
623
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,600
Let me see!
624
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,560
BIG BEN CHIMES THE HOUR
625
00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:48,519
Where did you get this?
From an insanonaut in the Skint.
626
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:50,158
Was his name Martin Christmasham?
627
00:39:50,159 --> 00:39:51,320
I heard no name.
628
00:39:51,321 --> 00:39:54,599
He was just your typical nut-job,
wearing a wedding suit...
629
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,999
Oh! A hat made of dead goose...
630
00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,639
Oh! And banging on madly about
getting married on Christmas Day.
631
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:04,719
Oh, oh, oh! To bring such news,
you must have a present!
632
00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,160
Open it now.
633
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:17,319
Oh, it is Sentimentalus,
muse of greetings cards writers.
634
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:21,559
I have sought this all my life.
What another strange coincidence.
635
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:25,520
It was my father's, one
of 12 handed down in the
636
00:40:25,521 --> 00:40:29,479
male line, even unto my
own long-lost child.
637
00:40:29,480 --> 00:40:33,960
Madam, your story sounds fascinating,
but I have not the time.
638
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,479
Hang on, what long-lost child?
639
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:42,120
After Martin died, it turned
out the merest thought
640
00:40:42,121 --> 00:40:45,759
of marriage was enough
to make me pregnant.
641
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:50,799
And, alas, as I had no husband, my
family took the child away for adoption.
642
00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,159
Madam, I prithee,
what was the child's name?
643
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:57,719
I can't forget my
long-lost son's name. It was... um...
644
00:40:57,720 --> 00:40:59,520
Er...
645
00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:03,839
I'm pretty sure it began with J...
646
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,038
Could it be Jedrington?
647
00:41:05,039 --> 00:41:06,240
That's it!
648
00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:12,159
But Jedrington is MY name!
What an amazing coincidence again!
649
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:16,239
Well, I really must be going...
No, boy... Come closer.
650
00:41:16,240 --> 00:41:18,240
Closer.
651
00:41:19,560 --> 00:41:22,159
A little closer, please...
652
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:25,319
Just a little closer.
Too close. Go back a bit.
653
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:26,960
A little further...
654
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:32,559
Oh! Could it be that my son
Jedrington
655
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:36,119
has grown up and returned to me?
656
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:38,360
You mean... not coincidence?
657
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,399
Mother...?
658
00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:43,400
CRASH!
659
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,679
When did you last have that dress
washed?
660
00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:49,079
35 Christmas Eves ago.
661
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:50,920
Mmm...
662
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:01,800
I bring news.
663
00:42:01,801 --> 00:42:07,199
I have made an arrangement
with my client to free you
664
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:10,040
by taking you on
as part of my own family.
665
00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:14,559
You could never replace
our real father!
666
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:18,799
Can and will. By the time
Christmas Day strikes out,
667
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:21,320
Secret-Past will become
Skulkingworm and you
668
00:42:21,321 --> 00:42:23,839
will call me "Papa" whether
you like it or not.
669
00:42:23,840 --> 00:42:26,400
And you will like it,
whether you like it or not.
670
00:42:29,760 --> 00:42:32,840
Oh! To have gained a
mother and yet to be
671
00:42:32,841 --> 00:42:35,919
about to lose a family!
But what is this?
672
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:37,959
Oh, that's where he hid it.
Hid what?
673
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:40,279
My father's final codicil,
674
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:43,679
absolving the family debts
should I marry. Alas, irrelevant.
675
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:45,799
No! Un-irrelevant!
676
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:48,140
For if you were to
marry before Christmas
677
00:42:48,141 --> 00:42:50,479
Day, then my family
would be freed.
678
00:42:50,480 --> 00:42:54,759
Yes... but I don't know whether
I want to marry a derangeatron.
679
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,480
Has he kept his looks?
If he was still
680
00:42:57,481 --> 00:43:00,200
handsome, that would
make up for the madness.
681
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:03,120
He is the best-looking man
in Britain!
682
00:43:03,121 --> 00:43:05,359
Then I shall marry him yet.
683
00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:06,800
Let us hurry to the Skint!
684
00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:13,839
So many years to catch up on,
and so much mothering un-done.
685
00:43:13,840 --> 00:43:16,280
Where's your scarf?
You'll catch a chill.
686
00:43:16,281 --> 00:43:19,279
There is too little time
until Christmas! I need help.
687
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,080
Urchins, ho!
688
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:23,360
How can we help, fine sir?
689
00:43:23,361 --> 00:43:27,039
I need Christmas delayed
until I can get my mother married!
690
00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:29,920
Then it seems to me, fine
sir, that you need to
691
00:43:29,921 --> 00:43:32,799
nobble the donging.
And I'm a great dong-nobbler.
692
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:34,519
I beg your pardon?
693
00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:38,639
Nobble the donging. Stop the
three great alliterative clocks
694
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:41,519
from declaring Christmas.
695
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,239
THAT'S what it means.
Thank goodness. Can you do that?
696
00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:46,399
I shall start drawing up a plan.
697
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:49,559
There is no time for a plan.
Just... nobble the donging.
698
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:51,800
Consider the dongs nobbled.
699
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:54,720
Then let us go to our destinies!
700
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:59,919
My son... my own beloved son!
701
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:01,399
Dear Mother.
702
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:03,800
I don't like what you've done
with your hair.
703
00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:07,839
Though I am the jolliest of men,
704
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,180
you are the most duplicitous and
705
00:44:10,181 --> 00:44:12,519
flint-hearted bag of
pus I have ever met.
706
00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:17,200
As a lawyer, I take that as quite
a compliment. Thank you, sir.
707
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:22,479
Man... goose... evil.
708
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:23,360
Yes.
709
00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:27,760
Do I know you, sir?
710
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:35,000
I have completed my tunnel!
711
00:44:38,720 --> 00:44:41,560
EXCITED CHATTER
712
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:49,679
Brace yourself, Archie.
713
00:44:49,680 --> 00:44:51,320
Aaargh!
714
00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:55,360
You all right, Archie?
715
00:44:55,361 --> 00:44:58,439
No. I am in quite a considerable
amount of cog-based agony.
716
00:44:58,440 --> 00:44:59,840
Good lad.
717
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:03,480
It's about to chime...
718
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:09,360
Let's hope the others
don't let us down.
719
00:45:09,361 --> 00:45:11,840
CROWD MURMURS
720
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:16,479
OW!
721
00:45:16,480 --> 00:45:17,920
What's that sound?
722
00:45:17,921 --> 00:45:19,800
The cogs! The cogs! It hurts!
723
00:45:23,520 --> 00:45:26,040
Excuse me! Coming through,
coming through.
724
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:30,160
Ow! The cogs... the cogs.
725
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:37,399
An absence of donging. The Artful
Codger did not let me down.
726
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,279
Now, we must find a way
into the Skint via the sewers.
727
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:41,880
I'm not getting into the sewers!
728
00:45:41,881 --> 00:45:43,959
I don't want to argue with you.
729
00:45:43,960 --> 00:45:46,440
But I do want to argue with you.
All those
730
00:45:46,441 --> 00:45:48,919
adolescent arguments we missed!
Let's have them now!
731
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:50,860
I will not go into that sewer.
732
00:45:50,861 --> 00:45:52,799
And you are not going
out dressed like that.
733
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:55,399
You will go into the sewer.
Will not. Will. Will not. Will.
734
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,840
Will not. Mother!
Will not... Mother! Will not!
735
00:45:57,841 --> 00:46:00,360
Say hello to your new daddy!
736
00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:02,800
Wait a moment!
737
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:06,520
Where is Christmas?
738
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,559
Where is my new family?
739
00:46:11,560 --> 00:46:17,679
They've gone, my little blue-winged
macaw. Down their tunnel.
740
00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:22,119
I need help. I'll help you,
my yellow-nosed albatross.
741
00:46:22,120 --> 00:46:26,079
Out of my way, you be-warted,
disgusting sugar-derivative dealer.
742
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:29,760
I'm over-treacled!
743
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:37,239
Now, which one of you
is the most violent?
744
00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:38,560
That'd be...
745
00:46:39,960 --> 00:46:42,200
Excellent. Follow me.
746
00:46:47,120 --> 00:46:52,159
Escape, yes. Christmas, yes.
747
00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:54,239
Marry, yes.
748
00:46:54,240 --> 00:46:55,879
Nice job, dear brother.
749
00:46:55,880 --> 00:47:00,079
Thank you. Though I wish I had
had some time to finish the murals.
750
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:01,920
Stop, me de-lonely-ising family!
751
00:47:01,921 --> 00:47:04,719
Don't worry, I'll stop him!
752
00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:06,198
What, by being jolly at him?
753
00:47:06,199 --> 00:47:07,880
Talk to me of Christmas things!
754
00:47:07,881 --> 00:47:12,679
Of course! Eggnog. Mulled wine.
Mmm...
755
00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:16,120
Um... presents... roast goose!
Family happiness!
756
00:47:17,360 --> 00:47:19,959
Love and joy!
Yes, yes, yes!
757
00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:22,540
Helping you escape makes it
the jolliest Christmas ever!
758
00:47:22,541 --> 00:47:25,120
Thank you, Mr Jollington.
759
00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:30,999
Oaths and sweariness!
760
00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:35,440
Christmas jollity triumphs
over flint-hearted pus-bagginess!
761
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,119
Well, let's see if we
can't depress you down to size.
762
00:47:40,120 --> 00:47:43,159
Picture a sad puppy
763
00:47:43,160 --> 00:47:45,799
with a bent ear.
764
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:49,639
A lonely orphan
singing that he wants to be loved.
765
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:52,280
A depressed nun with an ugly mole.
766
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:57,479
Will! Will not! Will! Will not! Will!
Will not! This is fun!
767
00:47:57,480 --> 00:47:59,560
No, it isn't.
768
00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:05,820
Father would be proud of you.
Maybe I can fill
769
00:48:05,821 --> 00:48:07,919
his shoes without
buying foot extensions.
770
00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:11,360
Escaped we have,
now married will I be!
771
00:48:13,200 --> 00:48:14,240
Children!
772
00:48:14,241 --> 00:48:17,199
Papa!
Skulkingworm said you were dead!
773
00:48:17,200 --> 00:48:18,719
Mr Skulkingworm was wrong.
774
00:48:18,720 --> 00:48:22,759
Thank goodness. I can get rid
of these and talk normally again.
775
00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:25,839
Eacle-beacle, I love treacle.
776
00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:27,960
What is the matter
with your mother?
777
00:48:27,961 --> 00:48:30,079
A warty crone tricked her
into treacle-dependency.
778
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:32,079
She's close to toffee-ising.
779
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:33,720
My poor, dearest darling!
780
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:38,420
Is that any way to treat
your long-lost mother?
781
00:48:38,421 --> 00:48:40,359
Shoving her in sewage?
782
00:48:40,360 --> 00:48:44,280
Harried, no, no, no. Harried
carried. Harried carried. Yes!
783
00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:48,760
Martin... can it be you?
784
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:54,159
Married... not harried or tarried
but married, yes...
785
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:58,760
Alas, still a bonkers mentalist.
Poor Martin.
786
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:05,639
Oh, hello, darling. Sorry
I'm late. Ready to get hitched?
787
00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:09,439
Oh joy! Re-saned! For so long
I thought you were dead.
788
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:13,559
Not dead, merely goose-stunned
with no memory of who I was.
789
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:15,760
I have kept this for so long.
790
00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:23,880
De-mentalled and still handsome!
Result!
791
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:31,400
Talk about a Christmas cracker!
792
00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:38,479
Teeny-weeny little kittens
mew-mew-mewing for their mummy cat
793
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,839
who they know they'll
never see again.
794
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:47,119
And all the general death,
disease and despair
795
00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,940
that fills this
godless universe of
796
00:49:49,941 --> 00:49:52,759
infinite pain, misery
and hopelessness...
797
00:49:52,760 --> 00:49:55,200
Stop it, you monster!
798
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:58,520
Pathetic.
799
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:08,719
We must hurry. The Artful Codger
cannot delay Christmas forever.
800
00:50:08,720 --> 00:50:11,640
Where is the nearest church?
The Church of St Weddings.
801
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:19,160
Where Martin and I were due to marry
those years ago.
802
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,639
YOU! You are much less dead
than you're supposed to be.
803
00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:26,879
Stay away from my family!
804
00:50:26,880 --> 00:50:29,759
Your family?! MY family.
805
00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:32,560
Not until Christmas rings
out ... and according to this
806
00:50:32,561 --> 00:50:35,359
codicil, not at all if my
mother marries before then!
807
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:37,620
So you know the truth.
Not that it will do you any good.
808
00:50:37,621 --> 00:50:39,879
After him! Get on with it!
809
00:50:39,880 --> 00:50:43,519
I don't do quick.
I'm more your lumbering menace.
810
00:50:43,520 --> 00:50:44,960
Well, lumber faster!
811
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:04,039
Papa, Mama is almost entirely rigid.
812
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:06,479
The only known antidote
to treacle is gravy.
813
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:14,319
This is a church. There must be
a meat-font. Found it!
814
00:51:14,320 --> 00:51:16,400
Are you here for
midnight service?
815
00:51:16,401 --> 00:51:18,479
It has been delayed.
No donging, you see.
816
00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:21,319
Reverend, we need a wedding
performed now.
817
00:51:21,320 --> 00:51:25,359
Is it a wedding of long-thwarted
passion threatened by dark forces?
818
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:26,880
It is! Ooh, my favourite sort.
819
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:31,479
Do not marry that couple!
820
00:51:31,480 --> 00:51:33,560
No! The church's Communion Sword!
821
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:40,439
There will be no wedding today,
vicar.
822
00:51:40,440 --> 00:51:43,300
Why do you hate my family so?
Well, perhaps I will
823
00:51:43,301 --> 00:51:46,160
tell you, while we wait
for Christmas to ring in.
824
00:51:48,760 --> 00:51:51,580
Many years ago, my father
and your grandfather
825
00:51:51,581 --> 00:51:54,399
were legal partners
... friends, even.
826
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:57,319
MERRY BANTER
827
00:51:57,320 --> 00:52:02,679
Then came the day my father
lent your grandfather a penny.
828
00:52:02,680 --> 00:52:05,800
As lawyers, they drew up a contract.
829
00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:12,079
Later that day, my father
was short of that very penny.
830
00:52:12,080 --> 00:52:15,159
He sought the penny from my mother,
831
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:18,160
and so saw
what no man should ever see.
832
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:25,560
His death deranged my mother.
833
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:31,280
Even as I grew, so did her madness.
834
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:35,280
Until finally, it killed her.
835
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:44,800
When I found the loan contract,
I vowed vengeance.
836
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:48,840
I studied the law
every hour I could.
837
00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:56,960
And it cost me the love of my life.
838
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:02,880
Because of my studies, I missed
her gentle hints of affection.
839
00:53:06,520 --> 00:53:09,160
Perhaps if she had not been
so subtle...
840
00:53:12,840 --> 00:53:15,920
Alas, one day, she had had enough.
841
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:23,279
Only weeks later did I realise.
842
00:53:23,280 --> 00:53:25,960
Aaaargh!
843
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:32,480
When I heard she was to marry
another, I was filled with hate.
844
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:41,960
EVIL LAUGHTER
845
00:53:43,280 --> 00:53:45,760
LAUGHTER ECHOES
846
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:54,960
LAUGHTER CONTINUES TO ECHO
847
00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:02,079
I did not know she was pregnant.
848
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:05,839
But when I realised
that you existed,
849
00:54:05,840 --> 00:54:10,879
I knew I could make
my final vengeance complete.
850
00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,680
Father! The Christening Sabre.
851
00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:16,800
Oh!
852
00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:22,479
No! Ah! Ah! Ah!
853
00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:24,760
Ooh! Ow!
854
00:54:25,960 --> 00:54:28,559
I have had enough of you!
855
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:30,000
Ooh!
856
00:54:32,280 --> 00:54:33,720
Not so fast! Aha!
857
00:54:36,720 --> 00:54:39,159
RUMBLING
858
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:41,400
The Confirmation Cannon!
Not so fast.
859
00:54:44,200 --> 00:54:48,919
He made me sad! I don't like him.
I may never be jolly again!
860
00:54:48,920 --> 00:54:51,559
Not so fast!
861
00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:54,560
For I am the Ghost of Christmas
past!
862
00:54:57,240 --> 00:55:01,480
And I think I might have got
the wrong address. Sorry.
863
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:08,640
Which leaves you at a disadvantage,
Mr Skulkingworm.
864
00:55:18,200 --> 00:55:19,280
Uh-oh, time's up.
865
00:55:19,281 --> 00:55:22,800
AAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHH!
866
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,760
CLOCK CHIMES
867
00:55:33,560 --> 00:55:35,000
We're out of time!
868
00:55:36,240 --> 00:55:38,959
Vicar, you must perform
the wedding at once.
869
00:55:38,960 --> 00:55:41,719
We are gathered here...
Cut to the chase!
870
00:55:41,720 --> 00:55:45,120
I need a hat! I cannot wed
wearing a dead goose!
871
00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:52,799
Take mine... Father.
872
00:55:52,800 --> 00:55:55,399
Thank you... son.
873
00:55:55,400 --> 00:55:57,199
Now go, vicar, go!
874
00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,040
Do you take blah-de-blah-de-blah?
BOTH: Yes!
875
00:55:59,041 --> 00:56:00,879
I declare you husband and wife!
876
00:56:00,880 --> 00:56:03,799
About blinking time!
877
00:56:03,800 --> 00:56:07,520
And it is Christmas Day!
That's cheered me right up!
878
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:16,839
Foiled! But don't think that
my quest for vengeance is over!
879
00:56:16,840 --> 00:56:18,839
Really?
880
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:22,359
Well... perhaps not. I'm so tired.
881
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:27,320
I think I'll have a lie-down, and
rethink this whole vengeance business.
882
00:56:29,240 --> 00:56:30,759
Or will I?
883
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:31,880
HE LAUGHS EVILLY
884
00:56:31,881 --> 00:56:35,360
Oh... oh, what's the point?
I give up.
885
00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:37,960
I will call you Papa.
886
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,519
Would you? Would you really?
887
00:56:41,520 --> 00:56:43,079
I shall call you Tumty.
888
00:56:43,080 --> 00:56:46,119
Let us go to the park
and I shall push you on swings
889
00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:49,639
and we shall eat crumpets and
muffins and toast and candyfloss...
890
00:56:49,640 --> 00:56:52,079
Dearest, you have been saved
from the treacle!
891
00:56:52,080 --> 00:56:55,239
Davey-wavy, I love gravy...
892
00:56:55,240 --> 00:56:58,519
Though, alas, you are now
gravy-dependent.
893
00:56:58,520 --> 00:57:01,359
But no matter, for we
are a family once more,
894
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:05,559
never to be parted. And I, at last,
have my very own set of parents!
895
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:08,239
And we at last have each other.
896
00:57:08,240 --> 00:57:10,480
And I at last
am free from debtors' prison!
897
00:57:10,481 --> 00:57:14,359
So now let Christmas be had,
let joy-iness fill the world
898
00:57:14,360 --> 00:57:18,879
and let no-one ever be poor or hungry
or miserable or badly-dressed
899
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:22,679
or itchy or bored or anything bad
anywhere ever again!
900
00:57:22,680 --> 00:57:23,999
God bless us, every one!
901
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:26,040
ALL: Hurrah!
902
00:57:39,320 --> 00:57:41,760
Subtitles by APOLLO
www.addic7ed.com
903
00:57:59,280 --> 00:58:01,599
Press your red button now
904
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:05,519
or suffer
the worst consequences of the law.
905
00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:07,240
EVIL LAUGHTER69799
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