All language subtitles for Ramy.Youssef.Feelings.2019.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Ramy:
Are you Mohammed?

No, 'cause this dude texted me,
and he was like, "Yo, can I..."

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YTS.MX

He hit me up. He was like,
"Oh, can I get a ticket
to your show?"

And I didn't have
his number saved.

And I was like,
"Just tell me your name.
I'll put you on the list."

And he just wrote back,
"Mohammed," and, uh...

(laughter)

And I was like, "Yeah, man.
I'm sure it'll be there

-when you get here, yeah."
-(laughter)

"Yeah, I'll put it on the list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Just Mohammed plus one.

"There's no way
anyone else takes it...

(laughter)

-...before you come."
-(laughter)

So I hope you're here.

I, uh...

I've been thinking a lot about

how we know what we know

and how that affects
the way we treat each other.

And I feel like, as a Muslim,
so much of my life has been

defined by all these things
that I have no control over.

Which is why I don't believe
anything that I see in the news.

I can't really
believe the police,

can't believe institutions.

All that being said, um...

Jussie Smollett was
definitely lying.

(laughter)

Like, he fucking lied.
Like, he's...

That shit did not happen.

(laughter)

And if you don't know
what happened with Jussie,

just a little refresher:

uh, in an era where hate crimes
are happening all the time,

it seems like he made one up.

Uh, he said he was
beat up by two Trumps...

(laughter)

...but it turned out
to be two Obamas.

(laughter)

-Big plot twist.
-(laughter)

And...

I feel bad for him.

I don't know if
anybody else does,

but I feel bad for this dude.

Like, I think about
the facts of his life.

He's black in America.

On top of that, he's gay.

On top of that, he's on Empire.

(laughter)

It's a terrible show.

I mean it's like--
and if you know anything
about show business,

those contracts, that's--
that's slavery, and...

(laughter)

He...

I think he got in his head.

You know, I think we create
our own realities,

and I think that violence
happening to someone like him

is a very real thing.

And he convinced himself,

one day, this shit
is gonna happen to me.

So he was like, you know,
"Let me just...

-get ahead of it."
-(laughter)

You know what I mean?
Like, you ever been
in a relationship,

and you're like, "Aw, man,
she's gonna break up with me.

-I gotta do it first."
-(laughter)

Right? I think
what he did was...

You know, I mean, it was
nothing like that, but he...

-(sighs)
-(laughter)

I got nothing.
I can't defend him.

I really can't.

I just-- I wish

he had made it about something
bigger than himself.

I think that's why you get
into a situation like this.

You're just in your head,

you're only thinking
about yourself.

But he had the whole world
looking at him.

I wish people would just do
something with that moment.

Like, if I were him,
I would've made it seem like

it was my plan the whole time.

Like, the second I got caught,

I would've called
a press conference

and been like, "Okay.

Now that I have
your attention..."

(laughter)

-"The icecaps are melting."
-(laughter)

"This isn't even Chicago.
It's stolen Navajo land.

Like, are we gonna talk about
the crimes of this country?"

Instead, he was like,
"I want more money on Empire ."

-And it...
-(laughter)

I think...

it doesn't matter
if he was lying or not.

I just think we're being
really hard on him.

'Cause there's something
about what he did

that I could see doing.

There's just this small thing,
because we all lie.

We're all afraid to be
who we actually are,

and we tell these little lies
every day to just get by.

And there's something about
the seed of what he did

that I'm like,
yeah, it's not crazy.

It's not like he's
a serial killer or something.

He just did the thing we all do.

And we love seeing
liars get caught.

It's why there's two
documentaries about Fyre Fest.

-Like, we...
-(laughter)

are obsessed.

'Cause we've all had
our own Fyre Fest.

(laughter)

We've all told somebody this
weekend is going to be amazing.

(laughter)

And all we had was
a shitty cheese plate.

(laughter)

So we are all Jussie Smollett.

(laughter)

Je suis Smollett.

(laughter and applause)

That's how it's pronounced.

I'm not gonna let
them do this, man.

They put up his mugshot
next to R. Kelly's,

and they were like,
"We got him!"

Like it's the same thing.

That R. Kelly shit
was horrifying.

I watched it,
watched the documentary.

The women were crying,
I was crying.

And then they were like,
"At this point, he recorded
'Ignition.'"

And then they played "Ignition,"
and I was like,

"Fuck, that song is so good!"

(laughter)

Like, it's so good!
Like, the beat is so good.

The second I heard
the beat, I was like,

"Are we gonna hear his side
of things? Like, he..."

(laughter)

"Really? He doesn't
get to talk?"

(laughter)

And I know he did it.
It's just that distrust, man.

'Cause I'm just so used
to seeing stories get spun.

You see it all the time.
Some random crime will happen,

a day later they'll be like,

"And he recently
converted to Islam."

They'll just, like,
throw it in there.

That's why I had to watch
the whole R. Kelly doc.

-(laughter)
-You know?

I was just waiting for them
to find the Quran.

(laughter)

It's like I know
it's gonna happen.

Episode six,
you're gonna go in the booth.

You think he's singing a song,
but he's like, "Allahu Akbar."

-(laughter)
-And you're like, "Oh my God."

That would be devastating
to the Muslim community.

(laughter)

R. Kelly doing
the call to prayer?

'Cause it would be the most
beautiful call to prayer...

-(laughter)
-...that we'd ever heard.

He made people believe
they could fly.

-Like, he would...
-(laughter)

...make you believe in Islam,
like, without a doubt.

Without a doubt.

It's the music.
It makes you forget.

Music can do crazy shit.

It's how Michael
got away with it.

I got so mad at the moms
in the Michael Jackson thing,

'cause they know their kid
is sleeping next
to Michael Jackson.

Like a baseline fact.

Like, Arabs would never
let that shit happen.

We'd be like, "We don't even
let sleepovers happen
between kids," like...

"Not allowed."

These parents knew.

And I got so mad,
but then I realized,

okay, I don't know
the Michael Jackson
that they knew.

Like, I'm younger,
I only know white Michael.

(laughter)

Right? Like, the Michael
I grew up with,

it's like, "No, we're not
hanging out."

(laughter)

"I don't know what you are,
I don't know what's happening.

-Audio only."
-(laughter)

"I can't deal with that."

But they grew up with the most
famous person on Earth.

There's so much power in that.
I gotta think about that.

I'm like, man, what if
the most famous person to me

wanted to hang out with my kid?

Could I say no?

Like, would I let my son

sleep next to LeBron James?

(laughter)

-I don't know.
-(laughter)

If LeBron was like,
"Nah, man, we're just...

-dribbling and-- and..."
-(laughter)

"I'm teaching him how to shoot,

"and, you know, there's
a little bed by the court.

"And sometimes
we just crash out.

"And when he sleeps next to me,

I feel like I could
beat the Warriors."

(laughter and applause)

That would hit me hard.

That would hit me hard because
I'd just be like, "Fuck, I...

-I hate the Warriors."
-(laughter)

"That super-team was so unfair.

-Like, you really think
you could beat them?"
-(laughter)

And LeBron would be like,
"I know I could...

-if he's by my side."
-(laughter)

I'd be like, "Oh, man, uh..."

-"All right, Omar.
Get in there." Like...
-(laughter)

Like, just to make
the league more fair,

like, I would just--
I would have to.

I would have to.

Now it looks really weird.

Like, Neverland Ranch?

What? He built a theme park?

How did they not see it?

But at the time those moms were
just like, "Oh shit, no lines."

(laughter)

Do you have any idea how
hard it is to be a mom?

You're like, "All right,
one thing could be easier."

It doesn't seem weird
when it's happening.

Like, LeBron just built
a school for kids in Ohio.

It's called I Promise.

And we're all like,
"Wow, that's amazing!"

But within a couple years...

(laughter)

we're all gonna be like, "Fuck.

What did he make
those kids promise?"

(laughter)

(applause)

No, I think LeBron's
a good dude, but...

also, you heard it
here first, and, uh...

(laughter)

I don't know what I would do
with my son, I really don't.

'Cause I grew up
in a family that didn't

talk about sex at all.

Like, there's Muslims here.
Do you guys talk about
sex with your family?

-Man: No.
-Youssef: No.

Whoa, yeah, right?
Still haven't.

-(laughter)
-I know.

We had a sex talk.

I say "we" because
my sister and I

had it at the same exact time.

Like my dad just wanted
to get it out of the way.

Like, really quick.
Just sat us down.

He was just like,
"Girls, no boys.

Boys, no boys." Uh...

(laughter)

Like, that's the talk.

There's no, like,

"This is what you do.
This is how you meet somebody."

Nothing, nothing.
I was so confused.

But I'm starting to feel
like we're all really
confused about sex.

Like, as a country,

I don't think we really
know what it is.

Right? You can see it.
Like, these stories happen,

no one has any idea
how to react.

Something will happen,
it hits the news,

Half the country is like,
"That's assault."

The other half is like,

-"That's how we met. Fuck."
-(laughter)

"Fuck, you can't do that? Uh...

We told the kids that.
That's our story."

(laughter)

And then a bunch of dudes are
like, "Can we even hug anymore?"

And it's like, "Well, not you."

(laughter)

"No, you're on a list."

Like, I don't know where
hugs came from, from that.

I, personally, I believe
all the women,

all the women
who've come forward

who say that
something happened.

I don't think they have
any reason to lie.

They don't get famous, I don't
know any of their names.

The other reason
I believe them is men.

(laughter)

-Like, we're not good.
We're really not.
-(laughter)

Like, maybe some of us were
raised a little better,

or maybe some of us
are just busier, but...

(laughter)

Like, on a baseline level,
we're not good.

We can sexualize any situation,
any situation.

I realized this
when the Weinstein
stuff first happened.

I was talking
to a friend of mine.

She was like, "All this
non-consensual stuff,

"it's been going on for so long,

but at least, now,
everybody's talking about it."

And I was like, "Yeah,
we gotta talk about it.

"Let's talk about it.

-Do you wanna, like..."
-(laughter)

"I don't know, come over later

"and maybe we could
talk about it?

"You know, because I don't know,

"I feel like if we have
consensual sex,

that's how we fight back."

(laughter)

"Because change happens
on a local level,

-and like that's..."
-(laughter)

-"Like, if we fuck,
Trump gets mad, and, uh..."
-(laughter)

It's-- it's disgusting.

It's disgusting, we never stop.

Like, none of the details
of it-- Like, people were like,

"Oh, how could Harvey
jerk off into a plant?"

And every dude is like,
"Well, what kind of plant?"

-I mean, it's...
-(laughter)

If it's not one of the spiky
ones, like, I...

Maybe.

I'm trying to stop
all the creepy behavior,

all the little things, even
things that don't seem weird.

Like, I'm not liking any women's
posts online after 10 p.m.

(laughter)

That's aggressive.

No, really, like you're
liking a woman's photo
at three in the morning.

-It's not about the photo.
-(laughter)

It's about something else.
It's not right.

You're not suddenly
into her trip to Mexico.

-Like, I don't...
-(laughter)

I'm not part of it
anymore, seriously.

Like, if I see something
I like late at night,

I do the right thing.

I save the link, I go back
in the morning.

(laughter)

All right, 10 a.m.,
that's a real like.

That's just like, "Hey, this
is good content. Thank you."

(laughter and applause)

"Keep posting."

It's the energy I wanna
put out there, you know?

Sometimes I, I just...
wish I'd never had sex.

Anyone ever feel like that?

Like... I didn't,

I didn't think I was gonna
have sex until I got married.

That was... that was my plan.

I think about my life
before I did, I was so happy.

I was so happy.
Like, I--

I loved everything,
I loved every movie.

If there was a movie on,
I was just like,

-"Look at that, they did it."
-(laughter)

Just, like, happy
for the production.

(laughter)

Then I had sex,
and I was just like,

"Aw, man, the fucking
cinematographer sucks."

(laughter)

"The plot made no sense."

Like, once you have sex,
you care about plot,

-and it's so...
-(laughter)

All of a sudden you, like,
hate Christopher Nolan,

-and it's like, no...
-(laughter)

-...you hate yourself.
-(laughter)

'Cause you know everything's
so complicated.

And I wanted to wait,
I really did.

Because, look, I believe in God.

Like, God God.

And I know how weird it sounds

because it's such a crazy thing.

It sounds nuts because
you say, "I believe in God,"

and then there's like,
"Well, and here's who I hate."

There's always this, like,
list that it comes with.

The statement means a lot.
It's loaded.

It's like, we all live
in America, but you ever hear

the person who's like,
"I love America"?

-Then you're like, "Oh fuck."
-(laughter)

Uh, he has a gun.

(laughter)

I think he says the 'N' word,
definitely in traffic.

There's no way
this dude doesn't.

That's how I feel
like when I say it,
because I know it's crazy.

Because it's always like,
well, this is what I think,

but this whole thing
that it comes with
that I'm not part of.

And I get it, you know,

and I don't feel like
it has to come with

this whole list
of negative shit.

It's not like, okay,
I believe in God,

that means we have to hate
gay people.

I've always accepted gay people.

I remember the moment that
I really understood them.

Like, I knew what
they were going through,
I knew how they felt.

I'll never forget this.
I was, um...

-I was watching
this porn, and, uh...
-(laughter)

...and, look, it wasn't
one of those nasty porns

where they're like,
"Get in the van,"
or whatever, like...

No, seriously, like,
it was super organic.

Like, I think they're in love.

(laughter)

I really-- I only watch
if I think they're in love,

because I believe in God,

-and I would...
-(laughter)

Seriously, I...

And I'll never forget this.
I'm watching this porn,

and everything is going great.

Woman takes off her clothes,
she looks awesome.

She goes over to the dude,
she pulls down his pants.

The second I saw
this dude's dick,
I clicked out of the video,

'cause it was too weird.

And in that moment it hit me.
I was like, "Oh, shit.

There's a type of dick
I don't like."

(laughter)

Yeah, that means there's
a type of dick I do like.

(laughter and applause)

Like, I didn't even
think I liked dick.

The second I saw this
dude's dick I was like,

-"What the fuck is this shit?"
-(laughter)

"Where's the one
I'm used to," you know?

You're like, all of a sudden,
I was getting picky?

(laughter)

So yeah, there's a group
of people who have

a stronger opinion.

(laughter)

Can't stop anyone's preference.

Because we all have our things
that we bring to it, you know?

Like, I have my stuff with--
Like, I...

Man, sex,
it's an intimate thing.

And I've never had sex
without a condom.

Like, I just-- I can't do it.
It's too much.

-Anybody else?
-Man: Woo!

(laughter)

Really? Is everyone just
raw-dogging it all the time?

(laughter)

You guys aren't worried
about, like, kids, STDs?

Like, I don't even know
which is worse.

-It's so...
-(laughter)

That skin to skin is so much
responsibility, seriously.

Like, I slipped in once
without a condom for a second.

-It felt so good, but...
-(laughter)

the second I slipped in,
I had a fucking mortgage.

(laughter)

-Like, my son needed braces.
-(laughter)

And we got him the braces.

And he wore them,
and they cost all this money,

but then he wouldn't
wear his retainer.

(laughter)

And I was like, "Come on, buddy.
Just put the retainer on.

We already did all this work."

And he was like,
"No, fuck you, Dad."

(laughter)

"Fuck you,
I'm going to LeBron's."

(laughter and applause)

Fuck.

It happens so quick.

Honestly,
that's why I really think

sex feels better with a condom.

I really do.
Like, not--

Dude, I know,
but not in the moment,

but it feels better on Monday.

(laughter)

You know, Monday when
you're just walking around

with, like, no kids, no STDs.

You're just raw-dogging life.

(laughter)

Like, everything feels good.
You're like, "Oh, how could
I have a kid?

I was wearing a condom.
I couldn't even cum."

-Like, there's no...
-(laughter)

Scientifically,
it's not possible.

That's-- that's
how condoms work.

You just give up.

(laughter)

I think about the consequences
that I don't have to face.

Right? Because let's say
you're having sex with somebody
and someone gets pregnant.

It's usually the woman.

(laughter)

For now, right?
Like, that's...

(laughter)

She's gotta deal
with everything.

Like, as a dude, I'm pro-choice,
but what's my choice?

My choice is like,
"Hey, I'll be there for you,"

-or, "No... Ew."
-(laughter)

Like, that's it.

Women have to deal
with everything.

Like crazy spiritual questions,
like when does life begin?

Like, fuck, I don't even know
if my life has begun.

(laughter)

And you gotta answer that?
And everyone's so sure.

It's, like, political.
One side is like,

"Life starts in the womb."

The other side is like,
"No, life really starts

when you have your own
Netflix password."

(laughter)

"Until then, you're just
placenta without a job,

-so, figure it out."
-(laughter)

I don't know how anyone
chooses, I really don't.

I will say, and I've thought
about this a lot,

I do think that everyone should
always seriously consider

having an abortion,

because I feel like
it motivates the fetus.

(laughter)

I'm telling you,
they can feel it in there.

They're like, "Wait, what,
you don't want me?

No, but I got an idea
for a tech company."

(laughter)

"I got, like, three apps.
One of them is gonna work."

Like, they come out motivated.
Like, they just know.

Like, every CEO, I know some
of you don't agree with this,

but every CEO, look at
an interview with them.

They'll be like, "Yeah, my dad
left, my mom wasn't sure,

then we got the iPhone."

(laughter)

They can feel that there's
just that tough love there.

I wish my parents
wanted me less.

-I really do.
-(laughter)

-I would be, like,
six inches taller.
-(laughter)

It's science, it really--
Look at the NBA, right?

-No dads.
-(audience groans)

No, I'm telling you,
I think those dads knew.

I don't think it's sad.

I think their wives are like,
"Why are you leaving?"

And they're like, "This is
the price of a championship."

(laughter)

"Do you want him
to play in Europe?

I don't know what to tell you."

You think LeBron goes
to the finals seven
years in a row

if his dad loves him?

-(audience groans)
-(scattered laughter)

No, all the greats, man.

Jesus, no dad.

(laughter)

Prophet Muhammad,
peace be upon him, no dad.

Moses was in a basket,
man, in the...

(laughter)

...in the sea.

He got so pissed
that he parted the sea.

-Like, he...
he had to get his revenge.
-(laughter)

That's the energy.

You don't need a dad,
you just need a mom

and a coach who believes in you.

-And you...
-(laughter)

Just that coach that sees
you in high school,

and you'll make millions.

No, I love my dad, though.

I really do. My dad is
an amazing human being.

He, um...
just a hard worker.

Just that thing you
think about with just

anyone who comes
to this country, that's my dad.

Can do anything.

Not just at work, comes home,

he can cook, he can clean,

fix the toilet, fix the car.

He learned all these jobs

just so he'd never have to pay
another man.

(laughter)

His nightmare would be
to hand cash...

(laughter)

...to another man
and look him in the eye.

And he started working
as a busboy,

and in ten years,

he became the manager
of a hotel.

And that hotel was
in New York City,

and it was owned
by Donald Trump.

So I grew up with this photo
in my living room

of my dad and Donald Trump
shaking hands.

I saw it every day as a kid.

And when you're
a young Arab kid,

anyone who's friends
with your dad, like,

-that's your uncle.
-(laughter and applause)

And the last couple years,
I'm watching TV,

and I'm just like,
"Uncle Donald?"

(laughter)

"Really?

Fuck."

And I get it. I get
why people voted for him.

Like, I get the vote.

You know, there's like
something about him.

There's just like something
about the way that he is.

Look, I don't think
he's a good person,

but I actually just don't
think that he's a person.

-(laughter)
-You know what I mean?
Sometimes someone will be like,

"How could a person do that?"
Here's the thing,
I don't think he is one.

Like, Donald Trump is
a... a feeling.

(laughter)

He's like an emotion, you know?

Like, sometimes you're happy,

sometimes you're sad,

and sometimes you're
just fucking... Trump.

-(laughter)
-You know that feeling? You're
in an argument with somebody,

and you're like, "Aah, I wanna
win but I don't have the facts."

(laughter and applause)

-"Aah, man!"
-(applause continues)

Like when your phone
dies at 2 p.m.

Two p.m.-- your $600 iPhone
can't even make it through
the day,

and it's just sitting
hot in your palm.

And you're just like,
"You know what, man?
Fuck China."

(laughter)

You don't even care if
the phone's made in Japan.

You're like the whole thing,
"We're going to war."

(laughter)

Then you plug
your phone back in,

and you're not Trump anymore.

(laughter)

He's not a man, he's a mood.

And it's crazy because
people are like,

"Oh, we can't elect a woman.
She could get her period."

(laughter)

But we elected a period.

(laughter and applause)

-That's...
-(applause continues)

That's what's
happening right now.

That's why men are so confused.
Men are like, "What's going on?"

Women are like, "Yeah, no,
we know about this. Yeah."

(laughter)

"This happens all the time."

'Cause the truth is, I think
Trump is a good representative.

Not that he's good at his job,
but I think he represents us.

We have a sex problem,
he has a sex problem.

He's racist, we're racist.

I have my racism
that I've gotta face.

For a while I thought,
"No, how could I be?

Hate comes my way, I'm Muslim."

But then you think about it,
and you're like, "Oh, no,"

"I have really
prejudiced thoughts.

There are things I think
that are wrong."

Like, I get really upset

every time I get
a white Uber driver.

(laughter)

Devastated.

Like, I look down on my phone,
I see the little white face,

And I'm just like, "Fuck. I'm...
I'm gonna be late."

(laughter and applause)

"He's gonna stop
at every stop sign.

He's gonna make me listen
to his fucking band."

I'm like, "Scott,
what the fuck?"

Like, I get so angry.

Like, I want one
of my people, right?

I want an Omar,
I want a Mohammed.

I want somebody who's
running from their country.

(laughter)

That's Uber. Uber's like,
"Quick, get in.

"We don't have the paperwork.
We gotta go, dude.

"We gotta fucking go.

-We don't have time."
-(applause)

From the second I get in
the car to when we arrive,

I wanna hear somebody talk
to their whole family.

-Like, that...
-(laughter)

That makes me feel safe.

That's like
an emotional seatbelt.

I'm like, "Okay, cool.
He called his cousin."

(laughter)

"We're gonna get there."

I don't want someone
to be like, "Dude, my Etsy."

-It's like, "Fuck."
-(laughter)

That's racist.
It's something.

I think the president's
probably worse, um...

You know, the stuff that's
happening at the border,

it's almost impossible
to talk about.

Dreamers? You guys know
about Dreamers?

It's crazy because
he builds his businesses

off of immigrants,
off of people like my dad.

Immigrants are
a huge part of his life,

but he won't let them stay.
He won't make it official.

And if I'm being
self-reflective, I mean,

I've been racist
in a small, similar way.

I date white women.

Um, they're a huge
part of my life.

(laughter)

But I would never
make it official.

(laughter)

Like, with my Muslim
parents, like...?

You know what I'm talking about.

-(laughter)
-Like, with my Muslim parents?

Like, I was dating this girl,
and she was like,

"Ramy, I'd love to meet
your mom."

And I was like, "Whoa, Kelly.

-Uh..."
-(laughter)

-"You're a dreamer,
uh, this is..."
-(laughter and applause)

"This is a temporary program.

"I just don't have the paperwork
for you to meet my mom.

"They probably won't even
let you on EgyptAir."

(laughter)

That's fucked up.
I know it is.

'Cause I met her mom,
and her mom came to visit town.

Her mom's from Texas.

Like, Texas Texas,
not South-by...

Like, gun.

(laughter)

Small town. Like,
you know those small towns

-where, like, only
two people eat sushi?
-(laughter)

Like, you say sushi,
and they're like,

"Oh yeah, Gary loves sushi."

-Like they know the guy?
-(laughter)

And they're like,
"Why does it cost so much?
They don't cook it."

-Like, they don't...
-(laughter)

They don't get anything
about quality fish.

We spent the whole day together.

We're sitting at dinner, Kelly
gets up to go to the bathroom,

it's just me and her mom.

And her mom goes, "Ramy,
I have to tell you something.

"Before I met you, I was afraid.

"The only Muslims I'd ever
seen were on the news.

"I didn't know what would happen
between you and my daughter.

"But now that we spent
this whole day together,

I just wanna tell you,
I was wrong and I'm sorry."

And it was a really
beautiful moment, but...

the only thing I wanted to do
was break up with her daughter.

(laughter)

Because it made me realize
something about myself.

Because I was like, "Man,
this woman hated Muslims,

and then she spent just
a couple of hours with me

and completely
changed her mind."

Like, if I had that
kind of power,

I have a responsibility

to sleep with as many
white women as possible.

(laughter and applause)

I understand if you think
it's disgusting,

but this is the best plan
the Democrats have.

(laughter)

There's no candidate.

And I know there's
a lot of Muslims here,

and I'm doing this for you.

(laughter)

This isn't easy for me.
I had to learn how to ski.

-Like, it's...
-(laughter)

It's nuts. These people
do crazy sports

because they know
they should die.

-And it's really...
-(laughter)

No, no.

Nah, white people
are doing good.

Really, no, like, I really
like where white guilt

-is at right now.
-(laughter)

Right? You can feel it.
They're like-- they know.

But I think there's room
to get even guiltier.

-(laughter)
-You know what I mean?

Like, I was watching one of
those drug recall commercials.

You know where they're like,
"Hey, if you took this drug
in the last few years,

we might owe you some money.
It's harmful."

It's like, fuck, man, I want
white guilt to get to the point

where my life gets recalled.

You know, like, turn on
the TV in a couple years,

see a guy in a suit,
and he's just like, "Hi,

"were you Muslim
between 2001 and 2025?

If so, we may owe you
a huge cash settlement."

(laughter)

"Were you black ever?"

(laughter)

"Even now, in the future?"

(laughter)

The questions...

the questions that happen

when people who haven't
met each other, it's amazing.

These white mo--
There's really something to it.

Because they'll
find out I'm Muslim.

The second they find out,
crazy question.

Why do you make them wear that?

Uh, I'm like, "Who?"

(laughter)

This woman goes,
"I was in the Middle East.

"It was so hot.
It was 100 degrees out,

"and this woman had to wear
a scarf and she was sweating.

Why do you make her wear that?"

I was like,
"All right, first of all,

"you were in the Middle East.

It wasn't 100 degrees
because they use Celsius."

(laughter)

"Maybe it was 30.

If it was 100,
you would've melted."

(laughter)

The other thing is,
just because you don't get it,

doesn't mean it's oppressive.

If you step outside
of even your own culture,

things might look weird.

Like, I realized this, you know?

I was on a date
in New York in January.

It was seven degrees...
Fahrenheit.

(laughter)

The woman I was with was
wearing a really short dress.

You know, she wanted
to look nice.

And we got out of the car,
we were like two blocks away.

And she was like, "What?
It's all the way over there?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, come on.
Hurry, quick."

And she's, like, shivering, but
she can't really move that fast

because her heels
are slowing her down.

I just look in her eyes,
and I see this look of panic.

And she's so cold.

The only thing I could
think was like, "Fuck.

Why do they make her wear that?"

(laughter and applause)

No, like, and her...

Her hair got all
fucked up from the wind.

It took her, like,
an hour to do.

I was like, "You should've
just worn a scarf.

-Like, it would've been..."
-(laughter)

"...so much easier."

You know what I mean? Just...

Let's just move on
with this thing.

(chuckling)

But people are afraid of it,
because they don't know.

And I don't blame them,

because I... I don't know how
anybody knows what they know...

if all you're watching
is the news, yeah.

I remember I realized
how fucked up it was

that they were just
telling us how to feel.

It was with Dennis Hastert.

-You guys remember him?
-Man: Yep.

Couple people.

Longest-serving Republican
Speaker of the House.

He touched kids, nobody knows.

Because the news
didn't cover it.

But Jared from Subway...

(laughter)

Every reporter in the country
for years was like,

"Did he feed them
the sandwiches?"

(laughter)

"Tonight at 10."

(laughter)

It's just proof.

It's just proof that the media
is fucking run by Quizno's.

-Like, the...
-(laughter and applause)

You see it now, right?
Like, it's...

They've been doing it forever.

They've been doing it forever.

And that's how bad thing happen.

Like this dude in New Zealand.

You think he wasn't just
watching this stuff on loop?

A mosque got shot up,

and I think about that
because I go to the mosque.

I go every Friday.

And it's always a weird thing
when I tell people

I actually go
to the mosque to pray.

Nobody wants you
to be that Muslim.

Everyone just wants you to have,
like, a good hummus recipe.

(laughter)

Like, they wanna know about
baba ghanoush, not Allah.

Like, they're like,
"Let's just keep it there."

I would tell people, you know,
"I'm going to the mosque,"

whatever,
and they think it's weird.

It's changed since
this thing happened.

Now, it's like...

kind of badass to go
to the mosque.

(laughter)

I'll tell you how
I realized, man.

It's like, dude,
I was texting this girl,

and she was like, "You wanna
get lunch on Friday?"

And I was like, "No, I'm going
to the mosque. Friday prayers."

She goes, "Oh my God."

(laughter)

-"Like New Zealand?"
-(laughter)

"Are you gonna be okay?"

And I was like, "I mean,
you know, I don't know."

(laughter and applause)

"I don't know.

Anything could happen."

She was like, "Are you sure
you gotta go? Why?"

I was like, "I do it for God."

(laughter)

She thought that was so hot.

(laughter)

I rolled into the mosque
with my boys like,

"Yo man, what the fuck?"

(laughter)

Anything could happen.
We were like rappers, dude.

We felt so dope going in,
pounding each other.

We got this.

Because that stuff's
not even the hard part

about Friday prayers.

Friday prayers aren't tough
because violence could happen.

They're tough
because it's Friday.

(laughter)

Like, praying is--
Whatever you do,
if you pray, meditate,

you do it so you can cleanse,
so you can reset.

That-- Friday in the middle
of the day is...

the worst time to do that.

(laughter)

Because there's Friday prayers

and then there's Friday nights.

(laughter)

I'll be at Friday prayers,
I'm listening to the imam.

I'm like, "Yo, this is me, man."

I go out Friday, I see the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen,

and I'm like, "No, this is me.

-I think, this is..."
-(laughter)

"This is, um, wow!"

To pray on Friday?
It's like

getting your car washed
before a hurricane.

(laughter)

Like, you know what
the weather is gonna be.

You're like, "No,
I'm gonna spend $50

and detail the whole thing."

-(laughter)
-Why?

Because we have to.

It's just so much easier
to be Christian.

(laughter)

Sunday? (scoffs)

(laughter and applause)

Man, that's the day.

You fuck up the whole weekend,

and then you're just like, "God,
I don't know what that was."

(laughter)

"Just make me new."

(laughing): Friday, we're like--
We're at mosque, we're like,

"Hey, look, this
might not count.

-Uh..."
-(laughter)

"Just make me sick.
Just knock me out.

Do something so I can stay home
and not be a piece of shit."

(laughter)

I started praying
when I was a kid.

My parents didn't
even force me to.

It was what I wanted.

My parents never forced
religion on me,

they only forced love.

Like, my mom loves me so much,

and I love her.
I really love--

I mean, she's an amazing mom,
amazing person.

But the love I feel for her,

I don't know if it
was my choice.

(laughter)

It's that Arab mom love,
you know?

-It's like, is this violence?
Like I don't know what...
-(laughter)

...what's happening right now.

Or it's like,
"I think this is a lot."

She's like, "No, this is love."
"Are you sure?"

She's like, "Yeah,"
and I'm like, "Okay,
I love you, too."

(laughter)

My mom was so worried
about me as a kid.

Like, there was something about
the way I looked as a kid--

maybe even the way I look now--
that makes me seem abductable.

(laughter)

(chuckling)

Like, my mom was convinced
I was gonna be taken.

Like, she watched
the movie Taken

like couples watch
The Notebook .

-(laughter)
-She's like, "Yeah, this is
my movie, this is my story."

(laughter)

And this is-- this is...
(chuckling)

This is the crazy part of it.

All my friends were
getting cell phones.

So I told my mom, I was like,
"Hey, why don't you just

get me a phone?
Then you know where I am."

And my mom was really paranoid,
but she was also really cheap.

So instead of buying me
a cell phone,

she bought me a four-mile
radius walkie-talkie...

(laughter)

...that I had to carry with me
everywhere that I went.

I had to charge it every night,
like the whole thing.

And I remember at first
everyone was like,

"Ah, man, Ramy's got
a walkie-talkie!

What's the range on that thing?
How far does it go?"

And then 9-11 happened,
and everyone was like,

"Oh man, Ramy's got
a walkie-talkie."

(laughter)

"What's the range on that thing?
How far does it go?"

And the name of the first
World Trade Center bomber

was Ramzi Yousef.

And everybody thought
we were related, including me.

(laughter)

I was like, "Yeah, he might
be part of the family.

"I don't know, everyone's
always late to dinner.

-Maybe."
-(laughter)

"Maybe."

People started getting
in my head,

telling me I was a terrorist,
all that shit.

This kid convinced me
I was related to Bin Laden.

I would fight him. He'd be like,
"You're Middle Eastern."

And I'd be like, "No, man,

-I'm from Egypt."
-(laughter)

"It's in Africa.

-I'm black."
-(laughter and applause)

No, guys, I very much
wasn't black,

and there's no--
there's nothing more suspicious

than just wearing a ton
of Iverson jerseys and...

(laughter)

...trying to blend in.

Because he had the whole school
convinced I was up to some shit.

This kid, Will.

No one would question him,
because he was just like--

he was that popular kid.

But he wasn't even popular
because of his personality.

It was just, like,
infrastructure shit.

(laughter)

His parents had a pool.
It was like, fuck.

(laughter)

I can't fuck with
in-ground pool cool.

(laughter)

I'm done.

He convinced everyone,
because we were in Jersey,

that Bin Laden was
coming to the school.

Everyone believed him.

People were taking off Monday.

It was like a three-day
Bin Laden weekend.

(laughter)

And everyone was scared.

I'm thinking I'm related to him.

They're all like,
"What are we gonna do?"

I was like, "I don't know.
What are you guys gonna do?"

(laughter)

-"That's my uncle."
-(laughter)

I had some very prominent
uncles as a kid. It was...

(laughter)

It was a crazy time.

I think my biggest victory
as a kid was getting a dog.

-That's hard with Arab parents.
-(laughter)

They don't-- But, man,
I convinced my dad.

I just wanted one so bad.

Because I watched Air Bud ,
and I was like...

-(laughter)
-You know what I mean?

I knew I couldn't
play basketball,

-but I was like, he could.
-(laughter)

I got this dog.
I loved him so much.

He was my best friend,

and he just died last year.

That's how long I had him.
It's amazing.

And when he died, all this
guilt started to set in.

And I was like, "Was
he really my best friend?

Did I treat him the way I treat
my human best friends?"

Because I've never told
my best friend, "Hey, man,

"I'm gonna hook up
with this girl tonight,

so you can't pee
till tomorrow."

(laughter)

You ever do that to your boy?

(laughter)

Like, you ever cut your
best friend's balls off?

(laughter)

-After taking him away
from his mother forever?
-(laughter)

No, like, you ever invite
a friend over and you're like,

"Oh man, thanks for coming over.
You're never going home again."

(laughter)

"We hang out forever now."

I started to feel so guilty.

I went to this woman's house.
She had a Saint Bernard.

And I'm looking at its
huge, beautiful paw.

I'm like, "Fuck, man, that paw
is meant to climb mountains,

but it's digging
into this Ikea pillow."

(laughter)

And I'm like, is the living
room the natural habitat

for the Saint Bernard?

Like, was this dog meant to
watch all of Gilmore Girls ?

(laughter)

Like, that's barely
meant for humans.

-I don't...
-(laughter)

-And she had him in a hoodie.
-Audience: Aw.

Yeah, in a hoodie,
and the hoodie said,

"My dog's a Democrat."

(laughter)

I was like, is he?

(laughter)

And he was on the couch.
She wanted us to sit on it,

so she's yelling at him
to get off.

He doesn't understand,
so she drags him and takes
him into the kitchen

and puts him behind
one of those doggy gates.

I'm like, fuck, you just
put him behind a wall

because he doesn't
understand English.

(laughter)

You said you were Democrats.

(laughter and applause)

And then we like
shit on cats, too.

We're like, oh, cats
are mean, or whatever.

I think they just see
what we've done to dogs.

(laughter)

They're like, you see
what happens when you're nice?

(laughter)

You get a fucking leash.

(laughter)

That's why the cats are always
fighting in the alleyways.

They're like, you're showing
too much heart.

(laughter)

You're gonna fuck
our whole race up.

(laughter)

I would still get a dog,
though, I really would.

I would, I just...

I can't really control
how I feel.

That's why I believe in God,

because I don't believe
in my feelings.

My feelings make no sense.

Like I feel shit and I'm like,
"I probably shouldn't be
feeling this."

Like...

Maybe someone here has
felt this. Like, you ever, um...

You ever have
that cousin growing up

that you kind of
have a vibe with?

(laughter)

You know what I mean?
You're like, "Aw, man,
she looks good."

But then you grow up
and you're like,

"Oh, I'm over it," or whatever.

But...

You ever not over it?

(laughter)

I was in Egypt,
I was at my cousin's wedding,

and I realized
I was really jealous

of the guy she was
getting married to.

And I had to step outside,
and I was like, holy shit.

Have I been in love with
my cousin this whole time?

Do you think it's weird?

It's only weird if you
don't have a hot cousin.

(laughter)

If you think it's weird,
you just have an ugly family.

-I'm sorry.
-(laughter)

That's not an attack,
but it's just

the second you have
a hot cousin,

-that wall comes down
so quick.
-(laughter)

You're like, "Wait, what?
It's my mom's brother's...?"

Like, it feels so far away.

(laughter)

Why can't we be
with our cousins?

Like, does anyone
have a real reason?

-(laughter)
-A real reason?

What? Genetics?

Genetic disaster?
That's propaganda.

(laughter)

Seriously, I looked into it.
I really did.

The rate doubles. It does.

It goes from 1.4% to 2.8%
chance that something
could happen.

(laughter)

When did 2.8% ever stop you
from doing fucking anything?

(laughter and applause)

Let alone love.

I know there's, like,
seven billion people,

and there's all these
apps and shit, but like,

how do you think we got here?

(laughter)

-This was all built on cousins.
-(laughter)

Forever, like
this whole idea that, like--

Look, this is what happens
with the genetics thing.

If you get with your cousin,
and then that kid

gets with their cousin,
then there's problems.

But as long as you
don't double-cousin,
there's literally no...

-(laughter and applause)
-...there's no problem.

Like, I know you're still
thinking about it,

but you don't have to.

We've been brainwashed, man.
This shit started in America.

They said being with your
cousin would fuck up the kids,

because they didn't want
immigrant populations to grow.

Isn't that crazy? They didn't
want immigrant families to grow.

That's racist.

That's why I'm not upset about
the Muslim ban and stuff.

Like, I'm still thinking
about the cousin ban.

-Like, this is...
-(laughter)

We've been kept
from our own people.

(laughter)

And it's just so disappointing
because I'm in this crowd

of people who are,
like, woke, or whatever,

-but you're not, like...
-(laughter)

I saw some of you
when I was saying some shit,

and now you're all like--
I'm sharing a sexual feeling...

(laughter)

-...and you shut down.
-(laughter)

And I've stood up for everybody.

I'll stand up for the gay
community, the trans community.

That's a group of people
that doesn't identify

with the body
they were born in.

And I'm like, yeah, I get that,

because I don't identify
as being her cousin.

(laughter and applause)

Gender is a construct,
so is family.

-Like, all of this is just...
-(laughter)

It's what we say it is.

I'm just-- We're all so lonely,

and I'm just saying
love could be

so much closer than you think.

(laughter)

Seriously, this Thanksgiving,
just really look around
the table.

-You could have so much
to be thankful for.
-(laughter)

You'll be like, "Oh my God,
you were there the whole time?"

It's so easy.

There's no in-laws,
everybody's just in.

(laughter)

-All right, be alone.
I don't know what to say.
-(laughter)

I don't know what to say.

Um...

All right, I mean, I guess
if we're in weird thoughts...

(laughter)

...I'll share
a weirder one, uh...

and then I'll probably go.

(laughter)

You ever think something
that you don't wanna think?

Like, it's just where
your mind got to?

You don't know if it's true,
it's just how you feel.

So I was thinking that,
in this weird way,

9-11 made me more Muslim.

Because I was told
it was my fault.

I was told that the most
horrible thing

that I had ever
seen happen, to this day,

was because of who I was,
where I came from,

the language that I speak,
and my faith.

And I had to find out
if that was true.

So I looked into it,

and I realized,
not only was that not true,

but this was something
that I really wanted
to be a part of my life.

I started praying,
I started fasting,

I started doing all these things
that I might not have done.

Like, If 9-11 didn't happen,
I might've just been like,

"Yeah, my dad's from Egypt.
Add the bacon."

(laughter)

But because it happened,
all this fear happened, too,

and it elected the dude
that we have.

And it's not good.

Like, even the people who voted
for him are kinda like, "Ugh."

(laughter)

You see them-- it's like when
your friend's drunk at a party,

and someone's like,
"Is that your friend?"

And you're like,
"No, I mean, you know...

(laughter)

"We went to middle school
together, but..."

(laughter)

He's dismantling the courts.

No one knows what
he's gonna do next,

even the people
in his own party.

He's making us weak.

But the way I feel about
how I believe and my faith,

that's how all my friends are.

And so it's like,
Islam is stronger,

and America is weaker

all because of this one thing.

And so the thought I had was...

did 9-11 work?

(laughter, groans)

I know, but...

But...

-Now that I have
your attention...
-(laughter and applause)

(cheering)

The ice caps are melting,
like, I...

It's not good.
We gotta figure it out.

We really gotta figure it out.

♪ ♪

♪ You know you got
me dreaming ♪

♪ Got me ceiling dazed ♪

♪ I've been training,
glasses gleaming ♪

♪ Since I seen your face ♪

♪ And you know I'll be around
when you're better, babe ♪

♪ Better, babe, better, babe ♪

♪ Better, when you're
better, baby ♪

♪ Steady thinkin',
heart is sinkin' ♪

♪ When I'm in your space ♪

♪ I've been patient,
I've been waiting ♪

♪ For you to embrace me ♪

♪ You know I'll be around ♪

♪ When you're better, babe ♪

♪ Better, babe, better, babe ♪

♪ Better, when you're
better, baby ♪

♪ I can't make you
fall in love with me ♪

♪ If you feel it,
it is meant to be ♪

♪ I can't make you
fall in love with me ♪

♪ Fall in love with me ♪

♪ Fall in love with me ♪

♪ ♪