All language subtitles for Keeping.Up.with.the.Kardashians.S03E04.WEBRip.Netflix.en[cc]

[music playing]

[Kourtney] Were you there
the other day when Kylie,

or who was it,
Kendall got bit by a spider

-and she thought it was a black widow?
-Oh, at the beach? Yeah, they called me.

And they were like, "Are you sure
it's not a black widow? What if I die?

-How am I gonna know...
-[Khlo�] They sent her home.

That was so they could stay at home.

-[phone ringing]
-Ooh, Robin.

-Hi, Robin.
-Hi, mamacita.

[Robin over speaker]
Heh. What are you guys doing?

We might not be the Pussycat Dolls,
but we're the Dash Dolls.

[Robin] Well,
that's funny that you say that.

You know, we talked so much about,
like, you being a part of Pussycat Dolls,

and we need to have
you do it right now.

Like... You're just... You know,
you're the biggest star in the world.

-[Kim] Oh! Robin!
-[Kourtney and Khlo� laughing]

I'm really excited to start
rehearsing for the Pussycat Dolls.

[Khlo�] And it's actually perfect for Kim

'cause she could maybe, like, recover
after doing Dancing with the Stars.

Alright, so I'm gonna call you
first thing in the morning.

-[Robin] Alright, bye girls.
-[all] Bye!

You'll be good. I just...
If you sing, I can't attend this fiasco.

-Don't cha.
-Don't cha!

-[camera shutters]
-[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys...
Is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

I'm gonna need someone
to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late. Duh.
-I am here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop!
-[Kris] That's enough.

[Kim] Stop!

[man 1] Thanks, guys.

-[man 2] That's it. We're done.
-[man 3] Money.

-Hi, Kim!
-[Mikey] Aw!

-[prolonged] Hi!
-[Kim] How are you?

-Good!
-Are you excited?

-I'm nervous. I was telling Mikey...
-You are? Don't be nervous.

-I know everyone's done it before, so...
-It's all good.

[Robin] Yeah, you're gonna...
No, you're gonna be amazing.

-I'm in good hands.
-[Robin] Trust me. Don't worry.

[Mikey] So we're gonna have you
warm up in the bathtub.

-[Robin] Yeah.
-With my heels on? No way!

Yeah, it's like a technique,
a bath... bathtub warm-up technique.

Are you serious?

I have never taken
any dance lessons... ballet, tap, nothing,

so I am extra nervous about this.

Okay, ready? And...

Hey, everyone, good evening,
thank you so much for being here tonight.

And you're gonna go over.

Swish, swish, swish and up.

And a little mm, a little taste.

* Come and try *

* Hey! Stripper!
Don't know what you think... *

Butt.

-[Kim clicks tongue]
-There you go!

[Robin] Okay, so you're just posing.

And open. And over. Don't look down.

-Pop, pop, pop.
-[snapping fingers]

-Yup.
-[chuckles] Okay.

Okay, and right, left,
right, left, right, left.

No, don't look at me,
you have to look at yourself.

-In the mirror.
-Yeah.

[Robin] Okay?

Don't... I know that
you wanna watch me,

but you can see me
through the mirror.

Like, if you're looking at me here,
you're never gonna see yourself.

Know what I mean?

[Kim] I'm rehearsing with Robin
and the mirror is really far away.

It's hard for me to visualize, you know,
the stuff that she wants me to do

because my eyesight
just really isn't that good.

All this stuff, it's so important to see
the shape of what your body is doing.

So that's why I just need you
to see that, you know?

-[Kim] Okay.
-Okay, so... And...

Pull up.

-Don't... Don't look at me. [laughs]
-[Mikey chuckles]

-Look at yourself in the mirror.
-Sorry.

[Robin] Yup.

Why... Why are you squinting, though?

-It's so weird.
-It's so far away.

I never ever noticed
that you're a squinter.

I know, I can't really see
that good far away.

Yeah, but it's not far away,
it's right there.

It's kinda far.

I know that my vision
has been getting worse and worse,

but I never really did anything about it,
I've just kind of dealt with it.

She just thinks I'm doing it all wrong.

[Kim] I just know that
I'm not myself right now,

and I just feel like if I went home
and just regroup I think I would just...

get it together
and feel so much better.

If you can, when you're home,
go and get in your bathtub

and try to rehearse it
on your own, you know.

'Cause I don't want you to come back
and then not know what you're doing.

-[Kim] Okay.
-You know what I mean?

[Kris] Hey, Kim.

What are you doing, honey?

Ugh, I just came from Robin's house.

-We had dance rehearsal today.
-[Kris] How's it going?

It's awful. Like,
I just want you to cancel it.

I... I don't wanna do it.

-I'm not cancelling it, Kim.
-[Kim] I'm so bad.

-You're being dramatic.
-[Kim] I can't even do anything.

I cannot see what
she's doing in the mirror.

You can't see anything?

-Your eye vision is that bad?
-I mean, I'm obviously not blind,

but I... It's gonna be
in a nightclub, it's dark.

It's hard for me to see
at night when I drive,

let alone stand on a huge platform.

Kim, I have been
telling you for 18 months

that it's probably a great idea
to get LASIK surgery.

I don't wanna get LASIK eye surgery.
It slices your eyeball open?

Kim, I had LASIK eye surgery
12 years ago.

-[Kim] Yeah, it's sickening.
-It's not a big deal.

I haven't even worn contacts
because they itch my eyes.

-Kim, you have to do it.
-[Kim] I don't wanna do it, Mom. Please.

They've already advertised you
dancing with the Pussycat Dolls.

You can't just back out.

It's unprofessional and you'll
never be thought of in the same way.

So I'm gonna have a rehearsal
and I'm gonna look like

-I'm this awful dancer.
-I'm gonna pretend like I'm your doctor.

This is your eye.

[suppressing laughter] And this is how
he's gonna clamp down your eye.

They're gonna hold it.

-[Kris] Seriously, Khlo�?
-[Khlo�] And they...

just take a thin layer
of the top of your pupil

and they lift it up.

-No. They don't.
-[Khlo�] Yes, they do.

-Khlo�! Khlo�. Khlo�. I can't...
-This is exactly why...

-...let you play with knives and tools.
-...I'm not doing a LASIK eye surgery.

-You're dangerous.
-[Kim] Mom, please just call and cancel.

-Please, help me get out of this.
-Kim!

I do the Pussycat Dolls or I go blind.

You're doing the Pussycat Dolls, Kim,
we have a contract.

-Nope, nope, nope, nope.
-Okay? End of story.

[Kris] Kim has always been
really stubborn.

Even as a child.

So at the end of the day,
I know Kim will come around

because what other choice
does she have?

[Khlo�] Is that why
your clothes don't match?

-'Cause you can't see?
-[Kim] Shut up.

Come on. Girls, girls, girls.

Sit down, be good.
I'll be a few minutes.

-[Bruce] Hello.
-[woman] Hello.

[Bruce] It's Bruce for Dr. Lam.

[Bruce] You know you gotta
get your annual physical and...

boy, I gotta do it again.

Unfortunately, there's nobody
to watch Kendall and Kylie

and they're gonna have
to go along with me.

Shouldn't take too long,
I'll be back out in a minute.

-[woman] He'll be right out.
-[Bruce] Thank you very much.

How are you, sir?

Well, my wife says I need
a physical, I need a check-up,

I need to get whatever I need to get done.

-[Dr. Lam] Okay.
-Whatever that means.

Couple of things we should talk about.

Any major medical
problems that you have?

I've had absolutely none.

-[Lam] You seem like a pretty healthy guy.
-Strong heart.

I'm looking through your records here

and seems like you haven't had
a colonoscopy yet. Is that correct?

I've been avoiding it.
Probably at this point, I probably should.

You're over 50 years old now, correct?

I passed that one.

So the procedure itself lasts
about 20 minutes at most.

I hear that the night before
is the tough part.

Absolutely, yeah. It's probably about
a hundred percent of the patients say

that the bowel prep
and the whole clean out process

-is really the worst thing about it, so...
-[Bruce groans]

[Bruce] You know,
I gotta go for a colonoscopy.

I was supposed to go
a couple of years ago,

so I've been putting it off for a while.

-Well, let's just get it done.
-Great.

[woman] Alright, Mr. Jenner.

-Thank you very much.
-[Bruce] Thank you very much.

-It was very nice meeting you.
-[woman] We'll see you next Friday

-for your colonoscopy.
-You got it.

[woman] Stay away
from the food the day before.

-[Bruce] Okay.
-[woman] Okay?

-[Bruce] You got it.
-[woman] No cream in the coffee.

[Bruce] Okay. We are outta here.

[door opens]

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, Mom.

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

What's wrong?

Does Dad have colonoscopy?

Colonoscopy? Why are
you asking me this?

-Because...
-[Kris] He doesn't have colonoscopy.

He's just really conservative...

-Well, that's what the doctor said.
-And really shy about...

The doctor didn't say
Daddy had colonoscopy, honey.

Daddy is very private...

-[Kendall] Is it...
-And he's very shy.

Is he sick?

[Kris] No, he's not sick like that. Okay?

Everything is going to be okay.
I'm gonna go have a chat with Daddy.

[Kris] Honey?

-[Bruce] Yeah?
-[Kris] What are you doing?

Practicing with my little computerized
simulator for my helicopter.

You know what, can I talk
to you about something?

-What's that?
-Kendall and Kylie...

-Can you not play with your helicopter?
-I...

-'Cause this is important and I need...
-As soon as I...

-...you to hear what I'm gonna say.
-[Bruce] Sweetheart.

Uh, you're gonna make me crash it.

[buzzing stops]

-Sorry.
-It crashed.

I know. Honey, listen.

[sighs] What?

Kendall and Kylie think
that you have colonoscopy,

this new crazy disease,

and you need to tell them exactly
what's going on with your body.

I don't wanna talk about it,
it's kind of embarrassing.

-It's not. Why are you so weird this way?
-Enough's enough. They'll get over it.

-I'm not weird.
-Yeah, you're weird. It's weird.

-You need to sit down with your girls...
-[Bruce sighs]

-...and tell them exactly...
-Oh, God.

-...what you're going to do.
-[Bruce] Alright, I'll tell 'em.

-[simulator whirring]
-Okay, well...

-I'll tell 'em.
-Right this way.

When the time is right, I'll tell 'em.

-"When the time is right"?
-I think you heard me.

[scoffs]

The actual colonoscopy procedure
is kind of, kind of gross,

I don't really wanna...
[chuckles] talk to the girls about it.

I'm kinda just putting this thing off.

-[Kris] Hey, Kim.
-[Kim] Hey, Mom.

[Kris] Hello.

This is what I look like
now when I read at night.

These are my new... I'm channeling
Alec Baldwin. What do you think?

Those are ridiculous.

Like, no, I love them, they're fabulous.

-These are my new glasses.
-Really?

Yes, I'm, like, in love. But...

you're gonna end up
with these all the time

if you don't do something...
to get it together.

[Kim] This is a really big deal to me.

You know, Robin and I
have planned this for a long time,

and I just know that in order
to have a perfect performance,

I definitely need
to do LASIK eye surgery.

[Kris] So I think that
you really need to get it done.

[Kim] I know. I know.
I'm gonna do it.

This is like a one time thing
and it'll be done with.

Well, the guy does it all day long.

["Keep Your Head Up"
by the Love Willows playing]

* No one said it was easy *

* When we first started out *

Here we are.

* Oh, will you complete me? *

* Oh, will you complete me? *

Hi.

So today I'm going
for my LASIK eye surgery

and I'm gonna bring Kourtney
and Khlo� along to support me.

-That's good. Tilt your head back for me.
-Are these the numbing drops?

These are antibiotic drops first
that I'm putting in.

The numbing goes in
when you're inside.

[woman] Close your eyes for me.
Lean all the way back. Good.

Do not open during the time
I apply this around the skin, okay?

Because if it does get into the eyes,
it will irritate.

-No. [laughing]
-Just let me show you. I'll go...

I love you so much.

-[laughs] Don't do that to me.
-[Kourtney] Hey. Easy.

-[Kourtney and Khlo� laughing]
-[Kim] You guys are really annoying.

[Kim] I mean, I obviously
brought Kourtney and Khlo�

for support with me.

Ooh!

But they're actually
making me more nervous.

-Okay, ready?
-I'm ready. I'm getting really sleepy.

-Is that normal?
-Good. That's good.

We gave you a Valium
so you'd be relaxed.

[Khlo�] I personally think
Kimberly is a nut job.

She's getting LASIK eye surgery

the day before she has to go to Vegas
to perform with the Pussycat Dolls.

So we're gonna lie you down
on this chair right here,

so come have a seat.

And ladies, stay there for just a sec.

-[Kourtney] Good luck, Kim.
-[Khlo�] Good luck, Kimmy.

[Kim] Khlo� and Kourtney,
if I hear so much

as a "Ooh" or "Oh" or anything...

-[Khlo�] Kim, I can't promise you.
-[Kourtney squeals]

-[Khlo�] I might get grossed out.
-[Kourtney] Was that okay?

[Kim] Well, try your hardest
because I'll jump off the table.

Okay, I'll try my hardest.

What about... [high-pitched squeal]

-Ladies... Ladies, I...
-Shut up.

In all seriousness,
I need you to be really quiet.

-Yes, I will be.
-Okay. Good.

We won't even...
You won't even hear us breathe.

[doctor] Open your left eye now
and look down.

Good.

Good. Look right at me, Kim.

Look in my eyes.

[Kim] It feels like your eye's
about to come out of your head.

So I go under the machine
and I was like,

"Oh, God, what if my vision
never comes back?"

[man] Good. There you go.

[doctor] Good,
look right at the flashing line.

Good, doing beautifully.

You'll feel me
touching your eyelids again.

[Kourtney] This is so sick.

Khlo� and I were cringing,
like about to vomit.

[laughing from repulsion]

[doctor] Right.

[doctor] Watch... Watch the line.

[Kim] Can they stop?
'Cause I'm not done.

[doctor] What's that?

[Kim] I just wanted
my sisters to not talk.

[Kim] I just kept on thinking,
"It's over soon, it's over soon."

Then these noises they're making
are freaking me out.

So I'm just like, "Shut up."

-[doctor] Perfect.
-[machine rapping]

[doctor] Right at the flash. Perfect.

And Kim, we are done.

That went perfectly.

-You did just great.
-[Kim] Can I come sit up?

[Kourtney] I'm sorry, then you can
put your eyeball off.

I just needed that.

-So, what did you think?
-It's weird.

-It's pretty wild, isn't it?
-Yeah, it is.

So right after surgery,

my vision is way more blurry
than what I started out with

and I just hope that
I can actually see

before my Pussycat Dolls
performance.

["Soft Focus" by the Ettes playing]

* With such a soft focus *

* It ain't easy to tell it well *

-Hey, Mom.
-Hey, Mom.

Oh, my God. What's with the glasses?
Is that what they put on you?

-I don't remember that.
-[Khlo�] Oh, my God.

-Don't touch.
-[Kourtney] Don't hurt her eyes.

-Come this way.
-Your boobs don't look huge at all, Mom.

-That's really appropriate.
-They grew while you were gone.

She's already seeing double,
she doesn't need to see bigger of that.

I just need to take an Ambien,
and I'm shivering 'cause I'm freezing.

[Kris] I've gotta to go to a meeting.

-I love you, baby.
-I love you too, Mom.

[Kim] I just really hope that I wake up
and things are a little bit more clear.

I have to be totally recovered
by the time my performance is.

-[Bruce] What are you guys talking about?
-They're saying, "What's colonoscopy?"

Alright, I didn't wanna talk to you
about this 'cause it's kind of personal,

but... in the other room. Come on.

-[Kendall] Wha...
-We'll explain.

Alright, I know you guys
have a lot of questions.

You're always worried about everything
when it comes to my health.

I'm absolutely fine.

Nothing could be better,
I'm perfectly healthy. Okay.

A colonoscopy is for colon.

Your colon is all the way up
at the end of your intestines. Okay?

Where the poopie come out.

-[Kendall] Ew. Gross.
-[Bruce] Okay? So...

What they do is
they take this long tube.

Okay? Little thin, little...
looks like a little hose, okay?

And on the end of it,
it's got a camera.

And they put you to sleep,

then they slide
that baby up your butt

and then they work it
all the way up your intestines,

all the way to the end,
and they look at your colon.

-No!
-[Kourtney] No!

-[Bruce] Yes.
-That is sick.

[Bruce] No, you can see
all the pictures of all your intestines,

what the insides look like.
It's not sick.

The tough part is the night before.
You gotta take this medicine,

and it like cleans your insides out.

'Cause you can't have any,
you know, poopies there.

Okay? So it cleans your inside.

That's really the toughest part of
the whole thing, is the night before.

-[Kourtney] Gross.
-[Bruce] Okay?

-[Kylie chuckles nervously]
-[Bruce] You're good? You're okay?

I think that was a little
too much information for me.

[Kim] So, I wake up
and I can see so clearly.

Better than I ever have before.

The only problem is
that it's super slippery

and there's gonna be water in the bathtub
and I'm gonna have heels on.

And I need to practice.

[Bruce] This is terrible.
I gotta smell food and I can't eat.

Alright, let's do it.

[Bruce] The worst part of the colonoscopy,
getting prepared for it.

Man, does it clean you out.

Not bad.

[clock ticking]

[alarm bell rings]

[bleep]

[bleep]

[bleep]

[toilet flushing]

[Bruce] Hey, can somebody
get me some more toilet paper?

Please!

Tonight is the night
with the Pussycat Dolls.

I have been practicing a lot,

so I think that I'm getting a lot more
comfortable in the whole routine,

but I'm definitely just anxious
to have it over with.

[cheering]

-Hi! Oh, my gosh!
-Welcome to the Palace.

Rain Man Suite!

Rain Man Suite!

-[Kris] Get off there.
-[Khlo�] I'm...

-in Caesars at the Rain Man Suite!
-What is she on?

[Kris] I can't help but think

that I'm here
in this beautiful Caesar's Palace,

and poor Bruce, has got to do
a colonoscopy tomorrow.

[laughing] Okay.

[woman] Everything off.

[Bruce] Story of my life.

The girls are off to Vegas.
The Pussycat Dolls, you know?

What do I have to do?

-Goodbye, Rob.
-Sorry, Rob.

No. No worries.

-I gotta do this by myself.
-I'll take good care of him.

-Yeah, he's...
-Give it to him easy.

[device beeping]

[air hissing]

-[indistinct chatter]
-[device beeping]

How did it go?

You don't even know.

-Fabulous.
-[woman] You did great.

[Rob] You dropped the soap?

I was here just
a second ago and I'm back.

I can eat again.

-[Rob] What was that?
-I can eat again.

They spiked the IV with Patron.

-I like that.
-[Rob] I know.

-[electronic dance music playing]
-[indistinct chatter]

[Kris] Have a drink.

Let's get this show crack-a-lackin'.

[over speakers] So, if you ladies
and gentleman are ready,

please put your hands together
'cause we are

the Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls!

[electronic dance music playing]

[screaming]

[Khlo�] Oh, my God,
this club is so packed.

Everybody showed up.

It's like so much pressure
to try to impress,

and Kim is actually
gonna be the finale tonight,

So, oh, my God, I'm shaking.

[girls screaming]

[Kim] So, I'm walking up to the stage,
this is the moment.

We've put so much into this,
I've done the LASIK.

I tried to rehearse as much as I can
with this little time as I've had.

If I slip and fall

or anything does not go perfectly
in this Pussycat Dolls performance,

it is going to be humiliating.

[woman over speaker]
Give it up for Kim Kardashian!

[crowd cheering]

[woman over speaker]
Give it up for Kim Kardashian!

[crowd cheering]

What's up, Las Vegas?
I'm Kim Kardashian

here at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge.

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I'm feeling
really dirty tonight, so...

-Oh, my God.
-...I think it's time we take a bath.

[crowd cheering]

[hip-hop music playing]

[screaming]

[Kourtney] Kim finally takes the stage,
the crowd is going crazy.

And I'm so proud of her.

[Kim] I'm so excited
to finally be doing it.

It's all so surreal.

I'm just loving everything
that's going on right now.

-[song ends]
-[crowd cheering]

[Kris] Kim really nails her performance.

She does such a great job.

I'm so proud of her.
She didn't miss a beat.

She was just perfect in every way.

[Bruce] How was
the Pussycat Dolls?

Really good.

-[Bruce] Oh, yeah?
-[Kris] She was amazing.

Amazing. She looked like heaven.

[Bruce] You mean,
she looked better than my colon.

-[Kris] Yeah.
-[Kourtney] Not really.

-My healthy colon.
-She kind of looked like your colon.

-Really?
-It was.

-Hey, Bruce, look.
-[Bruce] Yeah?

-[Khlo�] It's actually funny.
-Look.

[Bruce] What is that?

[Rob] I think it's just this... It's...

Oh, is that it?
How'd you get that online?

[Rob] It's on the Internet.

Ew, why do you have
those yellow spots?

-[Bruce] That's called...
-[woman] It looks like an eyeball.

[Bruce] They're called
blastomies. Blastomy.

Blood veins and flesh, it's good.

Are you all leaving? That's it?

I'm just left with me and my colon?

-[Rob] Your ass too.
-My healthy colon?

Have a wonderful life!

[Khlo�] Next on
Keeping Up With the Kardashians...

I was approached
to launch my own perfume.

It's gonna be called
Dashing by Kim Kardashian.

-Isn't that...
-Excuse me?

I will sue the [bleep] out of you.

Are you insane?

I'm not stealing your name.

You guys are not good
businesswomen.

[Khlo�] I don't give a [bleep].

[emotional] I just want you guys
to be proud of me, I really do.