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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:36,669 You are unbelievable! 2 00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:41,640 Yes. 3 00:00:47,146 --> 00:00:48,613 Yes. 4 00:00:48,646 --> 00:00:51,985 I want you to be my unicorn. 5 00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:54,087 -Chub! -Dad! 6 00:00:54,119 --> 00:00:57,656 You're not masturbating all over yourself again, are you? 7 00:00:57,689 --> 00:01:00,492 I mean, is that any kind of life to live? 8 00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:03,028 I'm trying to have some privacy here. 9 00:01:03,061 --> 00:01:05,264 It is my room, for god's sake. 10 00:01:05,297 --> 00:01:07,567 Just get a girlfriend, not that. 11 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,035 I am, dad. I'm trying to get one. 12 00:01:10,068 --> 00:01:12,371 -That's what I'm doing. -That's what you're doing? 13 00:01:12,404 --> 00:01:15,540 Well, I got to see if I like her first. 14 00:01:15,574 --> 00:01:18,678 Besides, didn't I catch you doing the same exact thing? 15 00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:21,748 Once. One time. And I didn't like it in the least. 16 00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:24,416 Right. You didn't like it. 17 00:01:24,449 --> 00:01:26,052 Nope. 18 00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,353 Not for me. 19 00:01:27,386 --> 00:01:31,223 Just get a girlfriend, will you? 20 00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:41,166 You're the one. 21 00:01:41,199 --> 00:01:43,035 This is on. It's happening. 22 00:02:57,375 --> 00:02:58,777 -Hi, there. -Cigarettes. 23 00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:00,813 No. Gum. 24 00:03:00,845 --> 00:03:03,883 -Any kind. -Is that it? 25 00:03:03,915 --> 00:03:07,552 So just the one gum 26 00:03:07,586 --> 00:03:12,225 and, the... vodka? 27 00:03:12,258 --> 00:03:14,193 Vodka? 28 00:03:14,225 --> 00:03:15,627 What are you saying? 29 00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:17,163 We don't want any vodka. 30 00:03:17,195 --> 00:03:18,163 We want one gum. 31 00:03:18,196 --> 00:03:19,164 That's all, okay? 32 00:03:19,198 --> 00:03:20,466 We don't drink. 33 00:03:20,498 --> 00:03:22,168 Yeah, we hate it. 34 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,170 Okay. 35 00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:26,439 Yeah, I get it. 36 00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:30,642 Wait. I saw you stuff it into your purse. 37 00:03:30,676 --> 00:03:32,278 It's that right-! 38 00:03:32,311 --> 00:03:34,480 What time do you get off? 39 00:03:34,512 --> 00:03:37,482 What time do you get off, baby? 40 00:03:37,516 --> 00:03:41,187 Any time he wants, I bet. 41 00:03:45,324 --> 00:03:47,193 We close at midnight. 42 00:03:47,225 --> 00:03:49,361 Unh-unh. 43 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:53,633 -Make it 11:30. -I can do that, yeah. 44 00:03:53,665 --> 00:03:55,634 Make it 11, Amber. 45 00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,403 I can't wait that long. 46 00:03:57,436 --> 00:03:59,705 Okay. I can do that, too. 47 00:03:59,737 --> 00:04:04,242 -'Kay. 11. -'Kay. 48 00:04:04,276 --> 00:04:06,712 Okay, 11. 49 00:04:06,744 --> 00:04:08,581 I'm gonna be right here. 50 00:04:11,416 --> 00:04:14,253 Keep the change. 51 00:04:14,285 --> 00:04:16,188 Bye, papi. 52 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:17,589 Bye. 53 00:04:22,928 --> 00:04:25,464 It smells like perfume! 54 00:04:25,496 --> 00:04:27,265 Dude, do you mind if I stick around? 55 00:04:27,299 --> 00:04:28,868 Yeah, you should stick around, 56 00:04:29,899 --> 00:04:30,268 'cause this is happening! 57 00:04:30,301 --> 00:04:32,237 Yes! 58 00:04:32,270 --> 00:04:33,806 This is happening. 59 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,462 -Hey, dad. -Food in the freezer. 60 00:04:57,496 --> 00:04:59,632 -What you got? -Lasagna, 61 00:04:59,664 --> 00:05:01,666 stuffed green peppers, sandwich. 62 00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:03,536 In the freezer? 63 00:05:03,568 --> 00:05:05,637 No, you idiot, the other side. 64 00:05:05,671 --> 00:05:07,339 Whatever you call that side. 65 00:05:07,373 --> 00:05:10,443 Well, that side's the refrigerator, dad! 66 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,311 I know that. 67 00:05:12,344 --> 00:05:14,947 Go some potstickers, had some for lunch. 68 00:05:14,979 --> 00:05:16,616 Excellent. 69 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:19,452 Mini burger things. You know what I mean. 70 00:05:19,484 --> 00:05:20,952 You mean sliders? 71 00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:22,722 If that's what you'd call them. 72 00:05:25,590 --> 00:05:27,559 The freezer's empty, dad! 73 00:05:27,592 --> 00:05:29,494 I don't know! 74 00:05:29,527 --> 00:05:31,330 Check the pantry. 75 00:05:31,363 --> 00:05:33,466 Do I have to think of everything? 76 00:05:35,667 --> 00:05:37,435 Yes? 77 00:05:37,469 --> 00:05:39,605 Come in! 78 00:05:39,637 --> 00:05:43,308 Do I have to do everything around here? 79 00:05:43,342 --> 00:05:45,745 Holy smoley, bone! 80 00:05:45,777 --> 00:05:47,012 How many times do I have to tell you? 81 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,782 Just come in. I'm missing my movie. 82 00:05:49,815 --> 00:05:51,317 I'm sorry, Mr. moorhead, 83 00:05:51,349 --> 00:05:53,318 but suppose i come in one day 84 00:05:53,351 --> 00:05:55,621 and you're just walking around naked? 85 00:05:55,654 --> 00:05:59,392 Well, then you'd see what a real man looks like. 86 00:05:59,424 --> 00:06:00,892 What's with the laptop? 87 00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:03,863 It's for checking stuff out. 88 00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:05,830 What stuff? 89 00:06:05,863 --> 00:06:07,366 Stuff! 90 00:06:15,907 --> 00:06:18,476 -What you doin'? -Jacking music. 91 00:06:18,510 --> 00:06:20,479 Yeah. I Jack all my music. 92 00:06:20,512 --> 00:06:22,648 What kind of idiots pay for that stuff? 93 00:06:22,681 --> 00:06:23,983 Idiots do. 94 00:06:24,015 --> 00:06:25,984 I jacked 15 movies yesterday. 95 00:06:26,017 --> 00:06:28,988 Yeah? Well... 96 00:06:29,020 --> 00:06:33,458 I jacked, like, $10,000 of software in 45 minutes yesterday. 97 00:06:33,491 --> 00:06:36,328 Big deal. I own all the software ever made. 98 00:06:36,361 --> 00:06:38,664 Yeah? Well... 99 00:06:38,697 --> 00:06:40,833 I invented jacking, 100 00:06:40,866 --> 00:06:42,668 and in some circles 101 00:06:42,700 --> 00:06:45,770 I'm known as bone the jackulator. 102 00:06:45,803 --> 00:06:47,339 Maybe you invented jacking, 103 00:06:47,373 --> 00:06:50,343 but I downloaded the entire Internet! 104 00:06:50,375 --> 00:06:52,477 It's not that big if you compress it. 105 00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:54,979 Yeah, the Internet is all about 106 00:06:55,012 --> 00:06:57,049 gettin' stuff for free. 107 00:06:58,683 --> 00:07:02,053 Hey, what do you think happened last night? 108 00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:04,724 -About the babes? -Yeah. I mean, we were... 109 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,692 well, the only real explanation 110 00:07:06,724 --> 00:07:09,094 is that they got hung up somehow. 111 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:11,897 I mean, maybe... maybe they got the flu 112 00:07:11,929 --> 00:07:13,898 or they needed to study 113 00:07:13,931 --> 00:07:16,568 or... You know, 114 00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,804 maybe it's a rain check kind of situation. 115 00:07:19,837 --> 00:07:22,073 Rain check's good, right? 116 00:07:22,106 --> 00:07:25,577 It means we get the same exact thing only later. 117 00:07:27,912 --> 00:07:30,715 -Wait. What is this? -What? 118 00:07:30,748 --> 00:07:33,051 It's an email that says 119 00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:38,556 "young, vulnerable Russian women 120 00:07:38,589 --> 00:07:40,558 just got off the boat." 121 00:07:40,592 --> 00:07:41,861 What's that mean? 122 00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:43,896 It means that they were sailors. 123 00:07:43,928 --> 00:07:46,731 They just got out of the military, which is a good thing, 124 00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:49,502 because they're probably really horny. 125 00:07:49,534 --> 00:07:50,736 All right, wait. 126 00:07:50,769 --> 00:07:54,740 "Looking for young american men 127 00:07:54,772 --> 00:07:58,510 for a long or short term relationship." 128 00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:01,113 Look at her! 129 00:08:01,145 --> 00:08:03,114 Whoa! A babe! 130 00:08:03,147 --> 00:08:04,950 We're doin' this right now. Here we go. 131 00:08:04,983 --> 00:08:06,485 Okay. 132 00:08:06,517 --> 00:08:09,621 american male... 133 00:08:09,654 --> 00:08:14,794 Looking for a long 134 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:18,831 or short term relationship 135 00:08:18,863 --> 00:08:22,534 with Russian ex-sailor. 136 00:08:23,835 --> 00:08:25,970 What's the downside? 137 00:08:26,003 --> 00:08:28,807 There isn't one. 138 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,809 -It's her. -What, already? 139 00:08:30,842 --> 00:08:32,645 In, like, three seconds? 140 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:33,779 She's hot. I mean, she's got to be hot or... 141 00:08:33,812 --> 00:08:35,481 -read it! -Okay, I am. 142 00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:37,450 "I'm available 143 00:08:37,482 --> 00:08:40,452 as soon as you can meet." 144 00:08:43,989 --> 00:08:45,491 Where? 145 00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:48,626 Meet her at McCloud. Van nuys! 146 00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:51,496 -But what do I do? -Just meet her. 147 00:08:51,529 --> 00:08:53,999 Meet her and I'll be your wingman. 148 00:08:54,031 --> 00:08:56,134 You're awesome! Yes! 149 00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:58,871 I'm gonna... I'm gonna meet her. 150 00:08:58,904 --> 00:09:01,207 -What are you doing? -The wingman dance. 151 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,709 -What is that? -It's the wingman dance. 152 00:09:03,741 --> 00:09:05,577 It's kind of awesome. Can you teach me? 153 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:08,047 -Yeah. Just flap your arms. -Flap my arms. 154 00:09:08,079 --> 00:09:09,547 Yeah. Get that chest involved a little bit. 155 00:09:09,581 --> 00:09:11,550 I got the chest going! 156 00:09:11,582 --> 00:09:13,685 I'm gonna walk in there and I'm gonna be like, 157 00:09:13,718 --> 00:09:16,688 "what's up, lady? I'm... I'm the wingman!" 158 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,189 No, no. You're not the wingman. 159 00:09:18,222 --> 00:09:20,659 I'm the wingman. You're the man-man. 160 00:09:22,928 --> 00:09:24,529 Two more "jackuitars." 161 00:09:24,563 --> 00:09:26,265 -Thanks. -Can I get you anything else? 162 00:09:26,298 --> 00:09:28,868 -We're good. -Yeah. 163 00:09:29,899 --> 00:09:30,068 Great. 164 00:09:32,603 --> 00:09:34,706 I'm gonna... I'm gonna go sit over there. 165 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:37,042 I think it's better if we're not together. 166 00:09:37,074 --> 00:09:38,576 -'Kay. -Yeah. 167 00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:40,579 Now, just watch my back, 168 00:09:40,611 --> 00:09:43,716 'cause in case, you know, it's a scam 169 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:47,553 or an attempted strong-arm robbery, 'Kay? 170 00:09:47,586 --> 00:09:49,654 -'Kay. -Got it. Boom. 171 00:09:49,688 --> 00:09:52,191 All right, I got this. 172 00:09:52,223 --> 00:09:55,727 I forgot my drink. 173 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,029 -Yeah. -Thank you. 174 00:09:57,062 --> 00:09:58,563 Yeah, it's good. Good choice. 175 00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:00,900 I got this. All right. Here we go. 176 00:10:23,221 --> 00:10:25,190 -Chub? -Yes? 177 00:10:25,222 --> 00:10:26,692 It's me, 178 00:10:26,725 --> 00:10:30,563 your Russian dream girl. 179 00:10:32,597 --> 00:10:35,034 So happy! 180 00:10:35,067 --> 00:10:38,671 I don't exactly recognize you. 181 00:10:38,703 --> 00:10:42,574 Easy mistake. So easy. 182 00:10:42,607 --> 00:10:45,209 So happy you came. 183 00:10:45,242 --> 00:10:50,049 You like to come, chub, don't you? 184 00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:52,217 You like that a lot. 185 00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:55,654 You are the kind of man that can come and come. 186 00:10:55,687 --> 00:10:59,224 There's a problem going on here. 187 00:10:59,256 --> 00:11:03,261 There was you in the email, 188 00:11:03,294 --> 00:11:05,930 and then there's... 189 00:11:05,963 --> 00:11:08,032 You in person. 190 00:11:08,066 --> 00:11:11,770 Why talk about such meaningless things, chub? 191 00:11:11,803 --> 00:11:12,938 Why? 192 00:11:12,971 --> 00:11:15,640 I want you to enjoy me. 193 00:11:15,674 --> 00:11:16,641 Okay. 194 00:11:16,674 --> 00:11:17,943 But first... 195 00:11:17,976 --> 00:11:20,746 We must make the normal arrangements. 196 00:11:20,779 --> 00:11:22,280 -Arrangements? -Yes. 197 00:11:22,313 --> 00:11:24,116 I must hear your specific needs 198 00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:26,184 so I can give you a fair price. 199 00:11:26,217 --> 00:11:27,685 I don't get it. 200 00:11:27,718 --> 00:11:30,121 You know, it's like buying a car. 201 00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:32,924 You want automatic transmission? 202 00:11:32,957 --> 00:11:34,760 It costs more. 203 00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:38,263 You want big strong engine? 204 00:11:38,295 --> 00:11:39,931 It's more. 205 00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,634 It's only fair. 206 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,035 Now, tell me. 207 00:11:43,068 --> 00:11:44,937 I give... 208 00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,272 it's my father. I got to... 209 00:11:47,304 --> 00:11:50,875 he just calls and he has no respect at all. 210 00:11:50,909 --> 00:11:52,944 At such important moments like this? 211 00:11:52,977 --> 00:11:55,647 So you ran out of beer, 212 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:59,350 and stuffed peppers and some lasagna. 213 00:11:59,384 --> 00:12:01,854 The teeny tiny little burnt... yeah, I know. 214 00:12:01,886 --> 00:12:04,188 Okay. 215 00:12:04,222 --> 00:12:08,994 Man, I got some really, really bad, 216 00:12:09,026 --> 00:12:12,797 -out of the blue news. -What is that, my chub? 217 00:12:12,831 --> 00:12:17,369 My dad, he needs a few things from the grocery store 218 00:12:17,401 --> 00:12:20,171 and he's not good at waiting, so I'm just gonna... 219 00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:21,706 -I'm gonna... -no... 220 00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:23,008 -no, I'm gonna go. -No! Wait. 221 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,342 There's time for quickie. 222 00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:26,345 No. No, no, no. 223 00:12:26,377 --> 00:12:28,880 No quickie. I'm good. 224 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,015 -But... -nothing else to be said. 225 00:12:30,048 --> 00:12:32,284 -No. -It's great. 226 00:12:36,053 --> 00:12:38,424 Hello! My I help you? 227 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:39,857 Probably. 228 00:12:39,890 --> 00:12:41,693 Anything. 229 00:12:41,726 --> 00:12:46,331 Let your imagination run wild, my dear... 230 00:12:46,364 --> 00:12:47,466 Your name? 231 00:12:47,499 --> 00:12:48,834 Bone. 232 00:12:52,203 --> 00:12:55,339 How appropriate. 233 00:12:55,372 --> 00:12:57,075 I hate my life. 234 00:12:57,108 --> 00:12:58,776 What? Why? 235 00:12:58,809 --> 00:13:01,914 What... what are we doing? 236 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,782 We're not guys anymore. 237 00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:06,919 We are in the last stages of being just guys. 238 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,921 -What? -Are you listening to me? 239 00:13:08,953 --> 00:13:11,789 We are not guys anymore! 240 00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:13,092 We have no money. 241 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,928 We got crappy jobs, no girlfriends. 242 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,130 I'm living with my dad, and you, you're... 243 00:13:18,163 --> 00:13:22,067 you're hooking up with a 50-year-old Russian ex-sailor 244 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,235 and liking it. 245 00:13:23,268 --> 00:13:25,237 Hey, it could be worse. 246 00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:27,239 -How? -We could be older. 247 00:13:27,271 --> 00:13:30,141 We will be... soon. And then what? 248 00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:34,246 Well, then it will just be the same as now, but then. 249 00:13:34,279 --> 00:13:36,115 That's the problem. 250 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,018 Now becomes then. 251 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:44,188 Wait a minute. 252 00:13:44,222 --> 00:13:49,294 If all of these babes post selfies free... 253 00:13:49,327 --> 00:13:50,928 And they do! 254 00:13:50,962 --> 00:13:54,366 They would definitely do it for money. 255 00:13:54,399 --> 00:13:58,137 -What do you mean? -We are gonna run a selfie contest 256 00:13:58,169 --> 00:14:01,272 with a gigantic mega prize. 257 00:14:01,305 --> 00:14:06,477 Best selfie, as judged by us, wins $500. 258 00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:09,548 No, no. We're gonna... we're gonna make it $1,000. 259 00:14:09,581 --> 00:14:12,317 That's stupid. We don't have $1,000. 260 00:14:12,350 --> 00:14:16,488 See? That is where my genius kicks in! 261 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:20,992 We are gonna charge them $15 to submit their selfie. 262 00:14:21,025 --> 00:14:22,827 To win the thousand dollars? 263 00:14:22,861 --> 00:14:27,499 Bingo! And as we rack up the selfies at $15 per, 264 00:14:27,531 --> 00:14:30,968 we will rake in the customized selfies! 265 00:14:31,001 --> 00:14:32,303 -Do you get it? -Yeah. 266 00:14:32,337 --> 00:14:33,871 And then all the $15 267 00:14:33,904 --> 00:14:36,308 become the $1,000 grand prize, right? 268 00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:38,243 Double bingo! See? 269 00:14:38,275 --> 00:14:42,014 Here is where my genius really kicks in! 270 00:14:43,615 --> 00:14:47,019 Once we make more than $1,000, 271 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:49,154 we're gonna be in the black... 272 00:14:49,187 --> 00:14:51,323 Or the red, 273 00:14:51,356 --> 00:14:53,325 depending on how you look at it. 274 00:14:53,357 --> 00:14:56,395 And we're gonna get selfie girlfriends 275 00:14:56,428 --> 00:14:58,029 and we're gonna move out! 276 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,400 That is what i call intelligence. 277 00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:03,268 It's foolproof! 278 00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:07,872 We are calling it the "selfie shootout." 279 00:15:11,242 --> 00:15:12,577 Any babes yet? 280 00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:14,545 No. 281 00:15:14,578 --> 00:15:17,315 The idea's not that great. 282 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:27,391 Holy mother of all that is sweet and "voluptuous!" 283 00:15:27,424 --> 00:15:31,262 -What? -Selfie in... paid. And she's hot. 284 00:15:32,963 --> 00:15:34,565 I can see her, too! 285 00:15:34,598 --> 00:15:36,434 It works. 286 00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,035 How can we not get rich? 287 00:15:38,068 --> 00:15:41,073 We can. Or is it "can't"? 288 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,643 How can we not get our own place? 289 00:15:44,675 --> 00:15:46,544 Can and can't? 290 00:15:46,577 --> 00:15:48,646 How can we not get girlfriends? 291 00:15:48,679 --> 00:15:50,048 Can and can't. 292 00:15:50,081 --> 00:15:51,450 How can we not become happy? 293 00:15:51,482 --> 00:15:54,085 -Can and can't! -It's perfect. 294 00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,288 The mother lode. 295 00:15:56,321 --> 00:15:58,223 -But wait. -What? 296 00:15:58,255 --> 00:16:00,125 Can we monopolize this idea? 297 00:16:00,158 --> 00:16:02,594 I mean, others can Jack it. Then what? 298 00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:03,996 We can't have competition. 299 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,130 O.M.G. 300 00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:09,134 You mean other people could Jack our idea and not pay us for it? 301 00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:13,972 Yeah, there's thieves lurkin' all over the Internet. 302 00:16:14,005 --> 00:16:18,443 -Hate that! -We need a monopoly and a copyright. 303 00:16:18,476 --> 00:16:21,446 -We can get both, right? -Yeah. Yeah! 304 00:16:21,478 --> 00:16:24,315 Need it. Need it a. S.A.P.! 305 00:16:26,016 --> 00:16:28,286 -Now what? -I'll do the thinkin', 306 00:16:28,319 --> 00:16:31,188 and you... you do the legwork. 307 00:16:31,222 --> 00:16:32,624 -How? -Idiot. 308 00:16:32,656 --> 00:16:36,227 You can only get a monopoly one way. 309 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:38,462 You search the Internet. 310 00:16:38,496 --> 00:16:40,198 I mean, there is a process. 311 00:16:40,231 --> 00:16:42,634 You both are idiots. 312 00:16:42,667 --> 00:16:45,470 Everything's not on the Internet. 313 00:16:45,502 --> 00:16:46,470 It's not? 314 00:16:46,504 --> 00:16:47,639 No. 315 00:16:47,672 --> 00:16:49,608 In order to get a monopoly, 316 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,444 you need to go directly to the government. 317 00:16:53,477 --> 00:16:57,315 Now they control who gets a monopoly and who doesn't. 318 00:16:57,348 --> 00:17:01,052 -Okay. -You know, my brother's a congressman. 319 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:04,188 I probably could get an appointment with him. 320 00:17:04,221 --> 00:17:07,959 I mean, god knows he owes me a favor or nine. 321 00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:09,695 Your twin brother brother? 322 00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:12,197 -Yeah. -How come I've never met him? 323 00:17:12,229 --> 00:17:14,699 We haven't gotten along in decades. 324 00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:16,234 -Why is that? -Well, 325 00:17:16,266 --> 00:17:19,270 just a little sibling rivalry. 326 00:17:19,303 --> 00:17:22,073 -About what? -None of your business. 327 00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,375 All right. 328 00:17:23,408 --> 00:17:25,510 Now, he owes me, 329 00:17:25,543 --> 00:17:28,981 and it's time to collect. 330 00:17:31,382 --> 00:17:34,518 I thought you didn't drink. 331 00:17:34,552 --> 00:17:36,053 Anything else? 332 00:17:36,086 --> 00:17:37,688 Gum? 333 00:17:37,721 --> 00:17:40,358 What is this? An inquisition? 334 00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:43,527 No, I was just... 335 00:17:43,561 --> 00:17:45,330 do you do selfies? 336 00:17:45,362 --> 00:17:48,033 -Excuse me? -Do you take selfies? 337 00:17:48,065 --> 00:17:51,068 Idiot. Everybody takes selfies. 338 00:17:51,101 --> 00:17:55,207 Well, we're gonna have a selfie contest, 339 00:17:55,239 --> 00:17:59,710 and you can win a thousand if you have the best selfie. 340 00:17:59,744 --> 00:18:03,115 -How much? -A thousand large. 341 00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:04,582 A thousand large? 342 00:18:04,615 --> 00:18:06,050 A million dollars? 343 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:08,120 No. Not a million. 344 00:18:08,152 --> 00:18:10,255 That would be ridiculous. 345 00:18:10,287 --> 00:18:12,656 No, a thousand. 346 00:18:12,689 --> 00:18:14,659 You mean one large. 347 00:18:14,691 --> 00:18:16,594 Yeah. 348 00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:19,031 Just one selfie, though? 349 00:18:19,063 --> 00:18:20,032 No mas? 350 00:18:20,064 --> 00:18:21,432 It's got to be sexy, 351 00:18:21,466 --> 00:18:24,101 'cause I'm the judge. 352 00:18:24,134 --> 00:18:26,404 you're the judge? 353 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:27,572 Me. 354 00:18:27,604 --> 00:18:31,043 Okay. How do I win? 355 00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:33,577 Well, I am partial 356 00:18:33,611 --> 00:18:37,381 to selfies taken from the... the front. 357 00:18:37,415 --> 00:18:39,551 From the front. 358 00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:42,387 You know, well... 359 00:18:42,419 --> 00:18:44,723 The top front. 360 00:18:44,755 --> 00:18:46,091 You know what I mean? 361 00:18:46,123 --> 00:18:49,093 Yeah. 362 00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:51,096 Anything else? 363 00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:54,099 No. I think that covers it. 364 00:18:54,131 --> 00:18:58,303 Just go to selfieshootout. Tv. 365 00:18:58,335 --> 00:19:02,306 I'll think about it. 366 00:19:02,340 --> 00:19:06,244 But it's not easy to take a selfie, you know? 367 00:19:06,276 --> 00:19:07,645 Is there anything yet? 368 00:19:07,678 --> 00:19:10,515 It's the babe from the store. 369 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,818 From the store? 370 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,723 -Hola. -Hola. 371 00:19:18,755 --> 00:19:20,292 You remember me? 372 00:19:20,324 --> 00:19:21,625 Who's this? 373 00:19:21,659 --> 00:19:24,295 It's the guy from the liquor store. 374 00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,164 The selfie judge. 375 00:19:28,198 --> 00:19:29,801 You get my selfie? 376 00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:33,638 Yeah, and it was right on the money. 377 00:19:33,670 --> 00:19:35,172 Am I the winner? 378 00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,176 You could be. 379 00:19:38,208 --> 00:19:41,313 But I did what you wanted. 380 00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:42,580 Could we meet up? 381 00:19:42,613 --> 00:19:44,181 What? Why? 382 00:19:44,215 --> 00:19:46,784 Well, you see, it's my experience 383 00:19:46,817 --> 00:19:50,788 that a face immensely helps 384 00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:54,726 in the decision-making process. 385 00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,794 But you've seen me already. 386 00:19:56,828 --> 00:20:01,366 Yeah, but I kind of need a refresher. 387 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:06,638 Okay, maybe we could party 388 00:20:06,670 --> 00:20:08,172 with some of my girlfriends. 389 00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:10,175 Is this working or what? 390 00:20:10,207 --> 00:20:12,310 She wants to party. Okay? 391 00:20:12,342 --> 00:20:14,312 What are you even asking me? 392 00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:15,646 Sure. 393 00:20:15,679 --> 00:20:20,217 Maybe a hot tub party at my place. 394 00:20:20,251 --> 00:20:23,455 We'll order, have it catered, 395 00:20:23,487 --> 00:20:25,556 and don't forget your credit card, okay? 396 00:20:30,428 --> 00:20:33,497 -Ten! -Ten total selfies. 397 00:20:33,531 --> 00:20:35,332 That's $150! 398 00:20:35,365 --> 00:20:37,368 The mother lode! 399 00:20:37,401 --> 00:20:40,471 -Selfies. -Check 'em out. 400 00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:42,174 So nice! 401 00:20:44,342 --> 00:20:46,477 What? Wait. 402 00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:49,181 What is that. 403 00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:52,317 No, it can't be. 404 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:53,818 Another one. 405 00:20:53,851 --> 00:20:55,219 There's two more! 406 00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:56,955 Yeah, I see 'em, too. 407 00:20:56,987 --> 00:20:59,857 How did these guys get on here? 408 00:20:59,890 --> 00:21:03,695 We didn't say "female selfies," just "selfies." 409 00:21:05,396 --> 00:21:07,699 This guy's kind of good-lookin'. 410 00:21:07,732 --> 00:21:10,535 I mean, he's okay, right? 411 00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:12,336 For a dude? 412 00:21:12,370 --> 00:21:13,972 Stop it. Just stop it. 413 00:21:14,005 --> 00:21:15,674 I mean, you would jump a bullfrog 414 00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:18,243 if it smiled at you. 415 00:21:18,275 --> 00:21:20,445 Wait. I'm gonna fix it. 416 00:21:20,477 --> 00:21:24,882 -How? -We'll post "ladies only." 417 00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:28,253 But we're not really lookin' for ladies, are we? 418 00:21:28,285 --> 00:21:31,622 Not really. Then "girls only." 419 00:21:31,656 --> 00:21:34,326 Is that offensive? 420 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:37,361 "Girls"? Could be, in some quarters. 421 00:21:37,394 --> 00:21:39,530 But let's just call a horse a horse. 422 00:21:39,563 --> 00:21:41,565 Babes. We're lookin' for babes. 423 00:21:41,599 --> 00:21:43,635 So we're posting "babes only." 424 00:21:43,668 --> 00:21:46,504 -Is that legal? -You mean, are we discriminating? 425 00:21:46,536 --> 00:21:49,473 Yeah, we could go to jail for that. 426 00:21:49,506 --> 00:21:52,611 -For posting "babes only"? -Probably. 427 00:21:52,643 --> 00:21:57,414 Let's just delete the men like they never existed. 428 00:21:57,448 --> 00:22:00,317 And then if anybody asks us, we'll just... we'll swear 429 00:22:00,351 --> 00:22:02,320 we didn't... we didn't delete anyone. 430 00:22:02,352 --> 00:22:04,456 I don't know. Yeah. 431 00:22:04,488 --> 00:22:07,659 Only you and me will know. 432 00:22:09,459 --> 00:22:11,595 Ha ha! 433 00:22:11,629 --> 00:22:13,298 Yeah! 434 00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:16,434 So this is what a rain check is all about! 435 00:22:16,467 --> 00:22:18,602 Boom... 436 00:22:18,636 --> 00:22:19,938 -Sorry. -I'm good, I'm good. 437 00:22:19,970 --> 00:22:21,505 -What's up? -Hop in. 438 00:22:21,538 --> 00:22:24,708 All right. 439 00:22:24,742 --> 00:22:27,312 -Yeah! -What a surprise! I know you. 440 00:22:27,344 --> 00:22:29,948 You're the liquor store guy. You're kind of cute. 441 00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:32,950 -Do remember me? -How could I forget you? 442 00:22:32,984 --> 00:22:37,355 Let's get started. Did you bring your cell phone and your credit card? 443 00:22:37,388 --> 00:22:39,824 For what? The selfies? 444 00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,461 No! For the party. 445 00:22:43,494 --> 00:22:45,797 -Liquor and stuff. -I thought you didn't drink. 446 00:22:45,830 --> 00:22:47,599 Ha! Silly guy. 447 00:22:47,631 --> 00:22:49,767 Here, I'll call. 448 00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:51,936 Hi, we'd like to place an order. 449 00:22:51,968 --> 00:22:54,438 Two case of champagne, Tequila. 450 00:22:54,471 --> 00:22:56,006 Correct. 451 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,076 And some chips and nuts. 452 00:23:16,660 --> 00:23:18,996 You just... bring... bring some more alcohol! 453 00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:21,666 Yeah, yeah. Get that selfie stick, too. 454 00:23:21,698 --> 00:23:24,601 Champagne! Champagne! Right there. Bring it. 455 00:23:29,841 --> 00:23:31,008 Yeah, hi. I wanted to order 456 00:23:31,042 --> 00:23:32,677 three pairs of stilettos. 457 00:23:32,709 --> 00:23:34,511 Yeah, one black, one red, and then one pur... 458 00:23:34,544 --> 00:23:36,514 do you have purple? 459 00:23:36,546 --> 00:23:38,382 Purple. 460 00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:40,018 Hi, I want everything that she just ordered, 461 00:23:40,051 --> 00:23:41,519 but in a size seven. 462 00:23:41,552 --> 00:23:43,521 Okay, great! Thank you! 463 00:23:43,553 --> 00:23:46,024 Hi! I need a size 12. 464 00:23:46,056 --> 00:23:47,791 Yes, I said 12. 465 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:26,464 You gonna get up? 466 00:24:26,496 --> 00:24:28,432 It's almost two in the afternoon. 467 00:24:28,466 --> 00:24:30,935 You got to be at work in 15 minutes. 468 00:24:32,937 --> 00:24:35,806 You're not in there doing you know what, 469 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,443 that party you have with yourself? 470 00:24:41,478 --> 00:24:44,082 My god! 471 00:24:44,114 --> 00:24:46,450 What are you doin' to each other? 472 00:24:46,484 --> 00:24:48,453 What? What? 473 00:24:48,486 --> 00:24:50,588 What?! 474 00:24:50,621 --> 00:24:51,755 What did I do? 475 00:24:51,788 --> 00:24:54,792 God, what did I do? 476 00:25:00,198 --> 00:25:01,400 What? 477 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:09,140 You and I, we were... 478 00:25:09,172 --> 00:25:11,074 we were cool last night, right? 479 00:25:11,108 --> 00:25:12,710 No. 480 00:25:12,743 --> 00:25:13,812 What? 481 00:25:13,844 --> 00:25:15,479 Yeah? 482 00:25:15,513 --> 00:25:16,981 Yes? We didn't... 483 00:25:17,014 --> 00:25:18,515 -didn't... -no. No, no, no. 484 00:25:18,548 --> 00:25:19,516 Nothing like that. 485 00:25:19,550 --> 00:25:21,653 We... we're good. 486 00:25:21,686 --> 00:25:22,986 Good. 487 00:25:23,019 --> 00:25:24,188 Okay. 488 00:25:34,031 --> 00:25:36,534 What is this? 489 00:25:36,566 --> 00:25:37,868 What's that? 490 00:25:39,035 --> 00:25:40,671 -No. -What? 491 00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:42,506 What is it? 492 00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:43,508 It's from last night. 493 00:25:43,541 --> 00:25:45,043 The credit card receipts. 494 00:25:45,075 --> 00:25:46,643 I don't remember that. 495 00:25:46,677 --> 00:25:49,813 Well, you signed for them so it's on you! 496 00:25:49,846 --> 00:25:52,150 Me? But you were there, too. 497 00:25:52,182 --> 00:25:54,651 But you signed them. 498 00:25:54,685 --> 00:25:59,090 $459, $227, 499 00:25:59,122 --> 00:26:01,793 and $334 tip? 500 00:26:01,825 --> 00:26:04,895 What? I believe in rewarding good service. 501 00:26:04,928 --> 00:26:08,600 This pluses to over $2,000. 502 00:26:13,103 --> 00:26:15,139 -No. -What? 503 00:26:15,171 --> 00:26:16,908 It's an e-receipt 504 00:26:16,940 --> 00:26:22,579 for $1,897.63! 505 00:26:22,612 --> 00:26:25,048 -What? -Shoes! 506 00:26:25,082 --> 00:26:27,584 They bought shoes last night! 507 00:26:27,618 --> 00:26:29,721 How much do we have in the selfie account? 508 00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,890 I don't know, exactly. 509 00:26:32,923 --> 00:26:35,225 -Ballpark! -Ballpark? 510 00:26:35,258 --> 00:26:36,727 Not that much. 511 00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:39,230 I should have never 512 00:26:39,263 --> 00:26:40,899 have shared this idea with you. 513 00:26:40,931 --> 00:26:42,232 It could have been all mine. 514 00:26:42,265 --> 00:26:43,601 All of it. 515 00:26:43,633 --> 00:26:45,236 I am so mad at you right now, 516 00:26:45,268 --> 00:26:46,770 I can't even look at you! 517 00:26:48,939 --> 00:26:50,909 Stop it! Knock it off. 518 00:26:50,941 --> 00:26:54,044 Will you stop embarrassing yourselves 519 00:26:54,078 --> 00:26:57,215 and me? Go to work! 520 00:26:57,247 --> 00:27:00,651 You got an appointment with my brother tomorrow. 521 00:27:00,685 --> 00:27:04,789 1:00 P.M. can you make it? 522 00:27:04,822 --> 00:27:06,224 Can you hear me? 523 00:27:06,256 --> 00:27:09,126 Yes! Thanks, dad! 524 00:27:25,176 --> 00:27:27,111 -Dad? -Dad? 525 00:27:27,143 --> 00:27:29,246 You must chub, Ronnie's son. 526 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,282 Call me uncle Dan. 527 00:27:31,314 --> 00:27:32,784 Nice to meet you. 528 00:27:32,816 --> 00:27:35,118 I'm seeing you soon, right? 529 00:27:35,151 --> 00:27:36,219 Lottery ticket. 530 00:27:36,253 --> 00:27:38,323 Just one quick pick. 531 00:27:38,355 --> 00:27:40,023 Nice to see you again. 532 00:27:40,056 --> 00:27:41,224 What? 533 00:27:41,257 --> 00:27:43,760 I'm just saying hi. 534 00:27:43,794 --> 00:27:46,296 We met briefly. Friends, yes? 535 00:27:46,330 --> 00:27:49,801 Just friends. That's it. 536 00:27:49,833 --> 00:27:52,637 Only buy these when the prize money gets big. 537 00:27:52,669 --> 00:27:55,305 Really big. That's my philosophy. 538 00:27:55,339 --> 00:28:00,011 -So smart. So bold! -How's that? 539 00:28:00,044 --> 00:28:03,147 Well, what's the point otherwise? 540 00:28:03,179 --> 00:28:05,082 I know I'm gonna lose. 541 00:28:05,115 --> 00:28:07,184 But when the money gets really big, 542 00:28:07,217 --> 00:28:09,120 it gets my attention. 543 00:28:09,152 --> 00:28:11,855 I'll take a flyer for a buck. 544 00:28:11,889 --> 00:28:14,359 Everyone does, right? 545 00:28:14,391 --> 00:28:17,728 Well, that's how the prize money gets really big. 546 00:28:17,762 --> 00:28:20,865 Everyone buys. Just human nature. 547 00:28:20,898 --> 00:28:23,868 I hear you. 548 00:28:24,899 --> 00:28:25,370 I do. 549 00:28:25,402 --> 00:28:27,037 Ciao, chub. 550 00:28:27,071 --> 00:28:29,741 Ciao... lady. 551 00:28:29,774 --> 00:28:31,676 What the hell was that? 552 00:28:31,708 --> 00:28:34,645 Just pretend like we're stupid, okay? 553 00:28:34,678 --> 00:28:36,214 -We'll get further that way. -'Kay. 554 00:28:36,246 --> 00:28:38,181 We know nothing. 555 00:28:38,215 --> 00:28:40,051 We are just your average american idiots 556 00:28:40,083 --> 00:28:41,852 lookin' for some government help, 'Kay? 557 00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,188 -'Kay. -On the same page? 558 00:28:44,220 --> 00:28:45,722 -'Kay. -Good. 559 00:28:45,755 --> 00:28:46,858 Breathe. 560 00:28:49,893 --> 00:28:52,729 Sorry to keep you fellas waiting. 561 00:28:52,763 --> 00:28:55,832 No, it's... it's okay. 562 00:28:55,865 --> 00:28:59,936 Now... 563 00:28:59,969 --> 00:29:03,106 So you're my nephew. Of course, Ronnie's boy. 564 00:29:03,140 --> 00:29:06,444 -Yeah. -So good to chat with you, chub. 565 00:29:06,476 --> 00:29:07,778 So how is Ronnie? 566 00:29:07,812 --> 00:29:10,281 Good, I suppose. 567 00:29:10,313 --> 00:29:13,117 -Little angry. -Angry? What? 568 00:29:13,150 --> 00:29:14,419 I made it and he didn't. 569 00:29:14,451 --> 00:29:16,353 That's just the way things work out. 570 00:29:16,387 --> 00:29:17,271 How? 571 00:29:17,272 --> 00:29:19,924 Well, we ran against each other for this seat, 572 00:29:19,957 --> 00:29:22,092 and he lost. 573 00:29:22,126 --> 00:29:24,395 Wow. I didn't know that. 574 00:29:24,428 --> 00:29:27,431 Well, it turned out people couldn't tell the difference between us. 575 00:29:27,465 --> 00:29:30,101 Happens all the time in politics. 576 00:29:30,133 --> 00:29:31,868 My name is Daniel t. Moorhead. 577 00:29:31,901 --> 00:29:33,438 His is Ronald t. Moorhead. 578 00:29:33,470 --> 00:29:36,973 My name comes before him on the ballot, 579 00:29:37,006 --> 00:29:40,378 so I got 85% of the vote... a butt-kicking. 580 00:29:40,410 --> 00:29:42,179 Wow. That's... that's a lot. 581 00:29:42,213 --> 00:29:47,819 So, you two are my constituents, correct? 582 00:29:48,852 --> 00:29:50,388 Good. 583 00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:52,289 Give me a second here. 584 00:29:55,126 --> 00:29:57,929 Do what you got to do. 585 00:29:57,961 --> 00:30:00,898 I get it. Okay. 586 00:30:02,298 --> 00:30:04,101 Okay. 587 00:30:04,134 --> 00:30:06,336 You're our country's future. 588 00:30:06,370 --> 00:30:09,207 -Yes, sir. We are that. -Absolutely. 589 00:30:09,239 --> 00:30:10,941 I understand you're starting a business 590 00:30:10,975 --> 00:30:13,276 -and you need a little help. -Yeah, exactly. 591 00:30:13,310 --> 00:30:15,813 -See, we've got a... -we're just concerned 592 00:30:15,845 --> 00:30:19,217 that while we have a terrific idea... 593 00:30:19,249 --> 00:30:21,419 -it's kind of awesome. -And what's that? 594 00:30:21,451 --> 00:30:22,652 It's a contest. 595 00:30:22,653 --> 00:30:25,055 Well, there's nothing new about a contest. 596 00:30:25,089 --> 00:30:26,157 What's it for? 597 00:30:26,189 --> 00:30:28,226 It's a selfie contest. 598 00:30:28,258 --> 00:30:31,496 We call it the "selfie shootout." 599 00:30:31,528 --> 00:30:34,765 -Selfies. -Yeah. See, women take selfies 600 00:30:34,798 --> 00:30:37,901 -in kind of... -a special way. 601 00:30:37,935 --> 00:30:38,936 You know. 602 00:30:38,968 --> 00:30:40,904 Yeah, a special way. 603 00:30:40,938 --> 00:30:43,407 Nothing like a good selfie now and then. 604 00:30:43,439 --> 00:30:44,909 -No. -Yeah. 605 00:30:44,941 --> 00:30:48,044 -Our thoughts exactly. -True that. 606 00:30:48,078 --> 00:30:49,413 So what's your concern? 607 00:30:49,446 --> 00:30:51,215 Well, someone might Jack it. 608 00:30:51,247 --> 00:30:53,250 -Jack it? -Well, steal it. 609 00:30:53,284 --> 00:30:55,085 Yeah, any competition at this point 610 00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:56,987 would be a big problem. 611 00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:58,422 It would be a disaster. 612 00:30:58,455 --> 00:31:01,359 You're worried about Internet theft and... 613 00:31:01,391 --> 00:31:05,362 what we need is an idea monopoly. 614 00:31:05,396 --> 00:31:07,130 An idea monopoly. 615 00:31:07,163 --> 00:31:08,832 Yes. For example, 616 00:31:08,865 --> 00:31:11,134 we know that the oil companies... 617 00:31:11,168 --> 00:31:14,171 -monopoly. -And Internet searching goliath... 618 00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:17,175 -a monopoly. -And the cable companies... 619 00:31:17,207 --> 00:31:18,441 monopoly. 620 00:31:18,475 --> 00:31:20,144 And now we know that the government 621 00:31:20,177 --> 00:31:21,978 -allows all this stuff. -Correct. 622 00:31:22,012 --> 00:31:23,514 I mean, it just makes things, you know... 623 00:31:23,546 --> 00:31:26,150 -more profitable. -Exactly. 624 00:31:26,182 --> 00:31:29,853 Yes, we just need to know how to apply. 625 00:31:29,887 --> 00:31:31,489 Is there an application form 626 00:31:31,522 --> 00:31:33,991 or do you just write up a personalized law 627 00:31:34,024 --> 00:31:36,561 to get our personalized monopoly? 628 00:31:36,593 --> 00:31:39,296 Yeah, we're not exactly sure on the, like, 629 00:31:39,330 --> 00:31:42,133 what ifs and the how-tos and the whatnots. 630 00:31:42,166 --> 00:31:47,471 Well, boys, I don't exactly know how it works myself, 631 00:31:47,504 --> 00:31:52,142 but it probably involves a little scratch my back stuff, 632 00:31:52,176 --> 00:31:53,945 know what I mean? 633 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,116 No. I don't get it. 634 00:31:59,149 --> 00:32:01,518 Pay for play. 635 00:32:03,286 --> 00:32:06,056 -Still don't get it. -No. 636 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:07,925 Okay, let me tell you 637 00:32:07,957 --> 00:32:10,160 how one of my friendly constituents 638 00:32:10,194 --> 00:32:12,530 -explained it to me. -Okay. 639 00:32:12,563 --> 00:32:15,131 If you want an automatic transmission 640 00:32:15,165 --> 00:32:18,903 or a big strong engine when you buy a car, 641 00:32:18,936 --> 00:32:21,239 it's more. Correct? 642 00:32:21,272 --> 00:32:25,509 -It sounds familiar. -And correct. 643 00:32:25,542 --> 00:32:28,913 Well, you know, if you're asking for a favor, 644 00:32:28,946 --> 00:32:32,350 I mean, you know, time is money. 645 00:32:32,382 --> 00:32:35,886 So that's pay for play. 646 00:32:35,919 --> 00:32:39,590 -Kind of. Kind of not. -What? 647 00:32:39,622 --> 00:32:44,061 Have you boys contributed to my reelection campaign? 648 00:32:44,093 --> 00:32:46,363 I mean, that's a foolproof way 649 00:32:46,397 --> 00:32:48,366 to do it every time. 650 00:32:48,399 --> 00:32:51,202 Not yet, no. 651 00:32:51,235 --> 00:32:52,969 But we're planning on it. 652 00:32:53,003 --> 00:32:54,538 -Good to hear. -'Kay. 653 00:32:54,571 --> 00:32:56,274 Now let me think. 654 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,910 Department of justice. 655 00:32:59,944 --> 00:33:01,512 -Department of justice? -Yeah. 656 00:33:01,544 --> 00:33:04,314 That's the agency that enforces federal law. 657 00:33:04,348 --> 00:33:06,617 Kind of keeps everything in check. 658 00:33:06,650 --> 00:33:10,254 Keeps monopolies safe and strong. 659 00:33:10,286 --> 00:33:14,925 Well, that is exactly what we're looking for, seriously. 660 00:33:14,958 --> 00:33:16,994 Good to meet you, chub. 661 00:33:17,026 --> 00:33:18,295 And you. 662 00:33:18,329 --> 00:33:20,464 And, boys, on the way out, 663 00:33:20,496 --> 00:33:23,100 could you see my assistant out there? 664 00:33:23,132 --> 00:33:25,436 Little donation. Big donation. 665 00:33:25,468 --> 00:33:26,970 'Kay? Need that. 666 00:33:27,004 --> 00:33:29,373 -Pay to play! -Exactly. 667 00:33:31,007 --> 00:33:32,610 Says here that the FBI 668 00:33:32,642 --> 00:33:34,711 is part of the department of justice. 669 00:33:34,745 --> 00:33:38,616 Perfect. They must actually be the exact ones 670 00:33:38,649 --> 00:33:40,551 who enforce monopoly law. 671 00:33:40,583 --> 00:33:42,352 Yeah, that's how I see it. 672 00:33:42,386 --> 00:33:45,990 Enforcing monopoly law is like enforcing the tax code. 673 00:33:46,023 --> 00:33:48,292 It's like enforcing laws against bestiality. 674 00:33:48,324 --> 00:33:52,295 It is the most important thing that they do. 675 00:33:52,329 --> 00:33:54,298 Law enforcement, no doubt. 676 00:33:54,331 --> 00:33:58,034 No doubt. I mean, where would we be without monopolies? 677 00:33:58,067 --> 00:34:01,104 Where would we be without the FBI protecting them? 678 00:34:01,138 --> 00:34:04,542 Chaos. There is way too much competition. 679 00:34:04,574 --> 00:34:08,111 And jacking our contest is like theft? 680 00:34:08,144 --> 00:34:11,514 No, no. It is theft. 681 00:34:11,548 --> 00:34:13,684 Back to business. 682 00:34:13,717 --> 00:34:15,186 Tough question here. 683 00:34:15,218 --> 00:34:17,722 Now, what about the money? 684 00:34:17,755 --> 00:34:21,592 The shortfall. It's a problem, no doubt. 685 00:34:21,624 --> 00:34:26,630 Well, I'm about to make all things beautiful again. 686 00:34:26,662 --> 00:34:28,032 I have an idea. 687 00:34:28,064 --> 00:34:32,135 Yes, Mr. bone, my genius is back! 688 00:34:32,168 --> 00:34:34,037 We have stalled out. 689 00:34:34,070 --> 00:34:38,275 -More selfies means mo' money, right? -Correct. 690 00:34:38,307 --> 00:34:41,044 Now, the congressman came into the store yesterday 691 00:34:41,077 --> 00:34:43,179 -with that Russian babe. -She was with him? 692 00:34:43,213 --> 00:34:44,448 -Irina? -So? 693 00:34:44,481 --> 00:34:48,718 So... nothing, i suppose. 694 00:34:48,751 --> 00:34:51,054 Anyway, he bought a lottery ticket, 695 00:34:51,088 --> 00:34:53,724 and he said that... hey, are you listening to me? 696 00:34:53,756 --> 00:34:56,260 Focus. Where was I? 697 00:34:56,293 --> 00:34:57,762 Here we go. 698 00:34:57,794 --> 00:35:01,131 He said that he only buys tickets 699 00:35:01,164 --> 00:35:05,201 when the prize money is really big. 700 00:35:05,235 --> 00:35:06,437 Okay. 701 00:35:06,470 --> 00:35:08,406 But she was with him, though? 702 00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:10,341 Did it seem like she liked him? 703 00:35:10,374 --> 00:35:13,177 Yes, yes. My god. Will you just listen to me? 704 00:35:13,209 --> 00:35:16,579 If we raise the cash prize, we'll get more selfies. 705 00:35:16,613 --> 00:35:21,252 Bigger lottery prizes attract more ticket buyers. 706 00:35:21,285 --> 00:35:24,588 Bigger prize money attracts more selfies. 707 00:35:24,621 --> 00:35:28,425 Ergo, mas dinero for us. It's a vicious cycle. 708 00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:31,595 I like it. I like it a lot. 709 00:35:31,628 --> 00:35:36,800 -How much bigger? -$35,000. 710 00:35:36,834 --> 00:35:38,235 Don't have it. 711 00:35:38,267 --> 00:35:39,803 We didn't have the 1,000. 712 00:35:39,836 --> 00:35:42,773 I like it. I like it a lot. 713 00:35:42,805 --> 00:35:46,744 But did it seem like she liked him a lot? 714 00:35:49,479 --> 00:35:51,748 Afternoon, Mr. moorhead. 715 00:35:51,782 --> 00:35:56,187 He's in the bedroom, probably fiddling. 716 00:35:56,220 --> 00:35:58,523 Will the fiddling ever end? 717 00:36:00,256 --> 00:36:01,825 -Get over here. -What's up? 718 00:36:01,858 --> 00:36:04,327 Look at this. 719 00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:05,829 Whoa. 720 00:36:05,863 --> 00:36:08,732 A pure babe. 721 00:36:08,764 --> 00:36:11,501 -So... -Sophisticated. 722 00:36:11,535 --> 00:36:14,538 And just the right amount of naughty. 723 00:36:14,570 --> 00:36:17,207 She is the perfect combination 724 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:20,177 of naughty and sophistication. 725 00:36:20,209 --> 00:36:25,182 She is definitely a very, very strong contender. 726 00:36:25,215 --> 00:36:26,816 Yo, check the shopping cart. 727 00:36:26,849 --> 00:36:30,253 -See how much today. -Okay. 728 00:36:33,356 --> 00:36:35,358 -Even more? -Wait. 729 00:36:37,860 --> 00:36:43,666 $42,775 banked? 730 00:36:43,700 --> 00:36:46,203 -I'm scared. -I am, too. 731 00:36:46,235 --> 00:36:47,670 Why are you scared? 732 00:36:47,704 --> 00:36:49,740 Because we haven't met with the FBI yet 733 00:36:49,773 --> 00:36:53,811 and our monopoly is in significant jeopardy. 734 00:36:53,843 --> 00:36:57,715 That's exactly why I'm scared. 735 00:37:00,416 --> 00:37:02,285 Afternoon. How can I help you? 736 00:37:02,318 --> 00:37:05,555 We recently met with congressman Daniel t. Moorhead 737 00:37:05,588 --> 00:37:08,558 and he recommended that we speak to an agent here. 738 00:37:08,592 --> 00:37:11,262 A very important financial matter... 739 00:37:11,294 --> 00:37:12,930 monopolies, specifically. 740 00:37:12,963 --> 00:37:14,731 Well, we only deal with federal, so... 741 00:37:14,764 --> 00:37:19,269 this is a federal matter of unique and urgent concern. 742 00:37:19,302 --> 00:37:20,837 An emergency. 743 00:37:20,871 --> 00:37:23,173 Well, did the congressman make an appointment for you? 744 00:37:23,206 --> 00:37:26,376 No. This is so huge that an appointment 745 00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:27,912 -would be, like... -inappropriate. 746 00:37:27,945 --> 00:37:30,247 -Yeah. -Inappropriate? 747 00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:31,548 It's an emergency, 748 00:37:31,581 --> 00:37:34,551 and emergencies don't need appointments. 749 00:37:34,584 --> 00:37:35,885 -Correct. -Boom. 750 00:37:35,918 --> 00:37:37,387 I mean, do you need an appointment 751 00:37:37,421 --> 00:37:38,889 for a hospital emergency room? 752 00:37:38,921 --> 00:37:41,391 -The answer is no! -Unh-unh. 753 00:37:44,293 --> 00:37:47,897 Agent Miller, i have two gentlemen here 754 00:37:47,930 --> 00:37:50,400 who said they were referred by congressman moorhead. 755 00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:52,535 By him personally. Could you please say that? 756 00:37:52,568 --> 00:37:54,572 They were referred by him personally. 757 00:37:54,604 --> 00:37:56,639 And we paid for play. 758 00:37:56,673 --> 00:37:58,642 Could you tell the agent that, too? 759 00:37:58,675 --> 00:38:01,611 They're implying that they paid the congressman for... 760 00:38:01,644 --> 00:38:03,847 A government favor. 761 00:38:04,981 --> 00:38:06,816 A government favor. 762 00:38:07,985 --> 00:38:09,787 Okay. 763 00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:11,455 The agent will see you. 764 00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,658 -That way. -Okay. 765 00:38:25,501 --> 00:38:29,472 Thank you for meeting with us, sir. 766 00:38:29,506 --> 00:38:31,909 We donated money to the congressman's campaign. 767 00:38:31,941 --> 00:38:33,343 Yes, we did. 768 00:38:33,376 --> 00:38:34,544 And he said that was the best way 769 00:38:34,577 --> 00:38:36,813 to get a government favor... 770 00:38:36,847 --> 00:38:38,349 a. K.A. Monopoly. 771 00:38:38,381 --> 00:38:41,385 Yeah, fastest, safest, best. 772 00:38:43,486 --> 00:38:48,492 Hello? Sir, can you hear us? 773 00:38:51,494 --> 00:38:52,829 I heard every word. 774 00:38:56,432 --> 00:38:58,735 Please, take a seat. 775 00:39:03,439 --> 00:39:04,909 Go on. 776 00:39:07,910 --> 00:39:09,613 Hello! 777 00:39:09,646 --> 00:39:12,483 -Hello. -Hello, too. 778 00:39:12,515 --> 00:39:14,550 So what is this about pay to play? 779 00:39:14,584 --> 00:39:16,520 Did he try to shake you down? 780 00:39:16,552 --> 00:39:19,856 No, no, no. We are fine with pay to play. 781 00:39:19,889 --> 00:39:21,457 Yeah, we're fine with it. 782 00:39:21,490 --> 00:39:24,027 It's a few bucks well spent, we think. 783 00:39:24,061 --> 00:39:28,399 You see, we have a really remarkable idea for a contest, 784 00:39:28,432 --> 00:39:33,437 and we're just concerned that there might be some competition. 785 00:39:33,470 --> 00:39:34,805 Yeah, so we just need a monopoly 786 00:39:34,838 --> 00:39:36,974 before that nasty event. 787 00:39:37,006 --> 00:39:38,876 We can't have competition. We just can't. 788 00:39:38,909 --> 00:39:43,314 So we need you to enforce our monopoly 789 00:39:43,347 --> 00:39:47,418 to eliminate any unwarranted competition. 790 00:39:47,450 --> 00:39:51,688 Yeah, to, like, thwart any possible Internet thievery. 791 00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:54,024 Correct. Yes. 792 00:39:54,057 --> 00:39:56,727 Well, what is the idea? 793 00:39:58,061 --> 00:40:00,064 Is this in strict confidence? 794 00:40:00,097 --> 00:40:02,533 Sure. 795 00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:04,535 Sure what? 796 00:40:04,568 --> 00:40:05,968 We need to hear you say it, 797 00:40:06,001 --> 00:40:09,706 that this is in strict confidence. 798 00:40:09,740 --> 00:40:11,508 You have to say it. 799 00:40:12,742 --> 00:40:15,746 This is in strict confidence. 800 00:40:18,715 --> 00:40:23,688 We started an online contest. 801 00:40:26,722 --> 00:40:28,659 For what? 802 00:40:28,691 --> 00:40:33,563 Best selfie contest. 803 00:40:35,064 --> 00:40:38,436 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 804 00:40:40,070 --> 00:40:42,840 Have you ever seen me before? 805 00:40:42,872 --> 00:40:45,541 Kind of. 806 00:40:45,575 --> 00:40:47,044 If it makes any difference, 807 00:40:47,077 --> 00:40:51,814 you are a very, very strong contender. 808 00:40:51,847 --> 00:40:53,050 Really? 809 00:40:53,082 --> 00:40:57,588 Yeah. Very, very, very strong. 810 00:40:57,621 --> 00:40:59,590 Chub here is particularly in your corner. 811 00:40:59,622 --> 00:41:00,791 -That's me. -I am? 812 00:41:02,626 --> 00:41:05,729 Well, that is for the good, i suppose. 813 00:41:07,164 --> 00:41:08,665 But wait a minute. 814 00:41:08,697 --> 00:41:10,099 Would it be possible to continue this meeting 815 00:41:10,133 --> 00:41:12,169 without you thinking about it? 816 00:41:12,202 --> 00:41:13,537 It? 817 00:41:15,137 --> 00:41:17,940 The selfie. 818 00:41:17,974 --> 00:41:20,477 Mostly. 819 00:41:20,510 --> 00:41:22,946 Off and on. 820 00:41:22,979 --> 00:41:26,582 Okay, just tell me what's going on. 821 00:41:26,615 --> 00:41:31,621 So far we have taken in over $42,000 822 00:41:31,655 --> 00:41:33,557 in contest entry money. 823 00:41:33,590 --> 00:41:35,959 $42,000? 824 00:41:35,992 --> 00:41:38,461 That's, like, thousands of selfies. 825 00:41:38,494 --> 00:41:39,962 And I'm a strong contender? 826 00:41:39,996 --> 00:41:41,532 Come on! 827 00:41:41,564 --> 00:41:43,166 We are trying not to think about you! 828 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:45,535 -Good, good. -We're just worried 829 00:41:45,568 --> 00:41:47,603 that someone might steal our idea 830 00:41:47,637 --> 00:41:49,939 and then they'll get all the money. 831 00:41:49,972 --> 00:41:52,608 -And the babes. -And that would be bad. 832 00:41:52,642 --> 00:41:54,878 So we need a monopoly on this. 833 00:41:54,910 --> 00:41:56,512 I can't help you. 834 00:41:56,546 --> 00:41:57,981 But why not? 835 00:41:58,014 --> 00:42:00,851 My cable company? I've only got one choice. 836 00:42:00,883 --> 00:42:02,151 Monopoly! 837 00:42:02,184 --> 00:42:04,020 Yeah, you see, that is different. 838 00:42:04,053 --> 00:42:07,490 That is guaranteed by law. 839 00:42:07,523 --> 00:42:10,860 Bingo! That's... that's what we need. 840 00:42:10,894 --> 00:42:14,198 -Guaranteed by law. -Okay, wait a minute. 841 00:42:14,231 --> 00:42:18,468 I just want to go back to the congressman and his money request. 842 00:42:18,501 --> 00:42:21,737 She's a babe, but she doesn't get monopolies in the least. 843 00:42:21,771 --> 00:42:23,907 Yeah, what are we even paying taxes for? 844 00:42:23,939 --> 00:42:27,744 You pay taxes to pay other peoples' salaries. 845 00:42:27,776 --> 00:42:30,546 -And then they pay taxes, too? -Obviously. 846 00:42:30,579 --> 00:42:33,983 Unfortunately, chub, it's a vicious cycle. 847 00:42:34,017 --> 00:42:35,519 Right. 848 00:42:37,052 --> 00:42:38,688 -Yeah? -Chub moorhead? 849 00:42:38,722 --> 00:42:39,990 You got him. 850 00:42:40,023 --> 00:42:41,158 This is Harris Williams 851 00:42:41,191 --> 00:42:42,826 from rhinoceroz energy drinks. 852 00:42:42,858 --> 00:42:44,827 I drink that myself. 853 00:42:44,860 --> 00:42:47,663 We sell a ton of it at the liquor store. 854 00:42:47,697 --> 00:42:48,965 Yeah, I love the all-day buzz, 855 00:42:48,999 --> 00:42:50,133 'cause it really works. 856 00:42:50,166 --> 00:42:51,968 Good, good. 857 00:42:52,001 --> 00:42:54,904 This is the chub moorhead who runs "selfie shootout"? 858 00:42:54,938 --> 00:42:56,573 Yes. 859 00:42:56,606 --> 00:42:58,709 Some dude is calling about the contest. 860 00:42:58,742 --> 00:42:59,731 Stealing it? 861 00:42:59,732 --> 00:43:01,711 I'm gonna tell him that we got a lawyer. 862 00:43:01,744 --> 00:43:03,012 Don't have one. 863 00:43:03,046 --> 00:43:04,715 First off, you should know 864 00:43:04,747 --> 00:43:07,717 that we are all lawyered-up. 865 00:43:07,751 --> 00:43:09,586 Yes. That's just a warning. 866 00:43:09,619 --> 00:43:14,057 And we also have a very good contact at the FBI. 867 00:43:14,090 --> 00:43:15,592 Well, that's real good, 868 00:43:15,624 --> 00:43:17,727 'cause I expect to speak to your lawyer 869 00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:19,896 about the contract I'm fixin' to offer you. 870 00:43:19,930 --> 00:43:22,698 Just remember, we are very litigious. 871 00:43:22,731 --> 00:43:27,036 Very. And we do not take competition lightly. 872 00:43:27,070 --> 00:43:29,573 Unh-unh. So you know what? You need to listen up. 873 00:43:29,606 --> 00:43:34,711 When we sue, we sue to get your house and your car. 874 00:43:34,744 --> 00:43:37,213 And your TV and your laptop. 875 00:43:37,247 --> 00:43:41,218 Take it all! It's like hitting the lottery! 876 00:43:41,251 --> 00:43:42,553 Understood. 877 00:43:42,586 --> 00:43:44,053 We heard about your contest, 878 00:43:44,086 --> 00:43:45,889 and we'd like to be your official sponsor... 879 00:43:45,921 --> 00:43:47,624 And partner. 880 00:43:47,657 --> 00:43:49,726 Sponsor? 881 00:43:49,758 --> 00:43:52,896 Rhinoceroz energy drink wants to sponsor our contest. 882 00:43:52,928 --> 00:43:55,765 Perfect. I always wanted to be sponsored. 883 00:43:55,798 --> 00:44:01,704 Bone. You are so ambitious. 884 00:44:01,738 --> 00:44:06,210 Bone, honey, I'm a little worried about your weight. 885 00:44:07,811 --> 00:44:09,813 Too much or not enough? 886 00:44:45,115 --> 00:44:46,216 It's a sweet deal. 887 00:44:46,249 --> 00:44:49,352 Rhinoceroz is offering $5,000 888 00:44:49,385 --> 00:44:52,255 for worldwide rights to "selfie shootout." 889 00:44:52,287 --> 00:44:56,293 Does worldwide mean, like, the whole world? 890 00:44:56,325 --> 00:45:00,030 You all would keep the U.S. 891 00:45:00,063 --> 00:45:02,733 Rhinoceroz would have international. 892 00:45:02,765 --> 00:45:05,369 Japan, parts of Africa, 893 00:45:05,401 --> 00:45:08,371 Brazil, Denmark, United Kingdom, 894 00:45:08,405 --> 00:45:10,841 a few others. Canada. 895 00:45:10,874 --> 00:45:12,743 Does rhinoceroz have a monopoly? 896 00:45:12,776 --> 00:45:16,346 We're trademarked. There's no monopoly. 897 00:45:16,378 --> 00:45:18,714 Well, you might want to look into getting one of those 898 00:45:18,747 --> 00:45:21,385 -for, like, safety's sake. -Yeah. 899 00:45:23,385 --> 00:45:25,354 We'd rename the international website 900 00:45:25,387 --> 00:45:27,023 in our affiliate countries 901 00:45:27,057 --> 00:45:29,825 "rhinoceroz selfie shootout," pow pow pow! 902 00:45:29,858 --> 00:45:33,095 -I like the ring to that! -It's great. 903 00:45:33,128 --> 00:45:37,066 $5,000 for worldwide rights. 904 00:45:40,403 --> 00:45:44,675 Mr. Williams, could we just discuss this for, like, a minute? 905 00:45:44,707 --> 00:45:46,843 Absolutely. I'll give you cowboys some privacy. 906 00:45:46,876 --> 00:45:48,178 -Take your time. -You can stay. 907 00:45:48,211 --> 00:45:49,880 It's just gonna take a minute. 908 00:45:53,215 --> 00:45:55,251 I'm in. It's free money. 909 00:45:55,285 --> 00:45:57,087 Let's just think this through. 910 00:45:57,119 --> 00:46:00,022 It's an opening offer and I think I can get more. 911 00:46:00,055 --> 00:46:01,791 Yes! 912 00:46:01,825 --> 00:46:05,428 Nail that mother to the wall. But... 913 00:46:05,461 --> 00:46:07,097 -what? -It's free money, 914 00:46:07,130 --> 00:46:08,798 so we don't want to lose out on that. 915 00:46:08,831 --> 00:46:12,101 -No. -I'd be happy with, say, $500. 916 00:46:12,135 --> 00:46:14,104 -Really? -Yeah. 917 00:46:14,137 --> 00:46:15,939 Okay. We have a counter! 918 00:46:15,972 --> 00:46:17,707 Business is business. 919 00:46:17,740 --> 00:46:19,909 I understand completely. 920 00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:24,081 We have, of course, worked very hard on "selfie shootout." 921 00:46:24,113 --> 00:46:29,785 And we see immense upside for rhinoceroz. 922 00:46:29,818 --> 00:46:33,456 We do, too, hence the $5,000. 923 00:46:33,490 --> 00:46:38,829 Well, then I think we need the 5,000 924 00:46:38,861 --> 00:46:42,932 and 25 cases of the beverage. 925 00:46:42,965 --> 00:46:44,300 Delivered. 926 00:46:47,137 --> 00:46:49,805 But we're not hard on that number. 927 00:46:49,838 --> 00:46:51,107 We're negotiable on that. 928 00:46:51,140 --> 00:46:53,309 Totally. Totally. That was correct. 929 00:46:59,349 --> 00:47:02,852 $5,000 and 25 cases... Delivered. 930 00:47:02,885 --> 00:47:05,154 -Yes! -Awesome! 931 00:47:18,034 --> 00:47:20,003 It's me, Mr. moorhead! 932 00:47:21,905 --> 00:47:24,207 What? 933 00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:26,810 Wow. Good look, there. 934 00:47:26,843 --> 00:47:28,345 Chub bought it. 935 00:47:28,378 --> 00:47:30,213 You really like it? 936 00:47:30,246 --> 00:47:32,148 What can I say? 937 00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:33,283 Sharp. 938 00:47:33,316 --> 00:47:36,053 He's in the bedroom. 939 00:47:44,894 --> 00:47:47,130 It's kind of not working out like I thought. 940 00:47:47,162 --> 00:47:48,564 The shootout? 941 00:47:48,597 --> 00:47:50,833 -Yeah. -What do you mean? 942 00:47:50,867 --> 00:47:53,303 I thought we'd get some babes. 943 00:47:53,336 --> 00:47:56,072 We are getting babes. Tons. 944 00:47:56,104 --> 00:47:57,974 And money. Tons. 945 00:47:58,006 --> 00:48:01,077 No. Us personally, you know? 946 00:48:01,110 --> 00:48:02,479 Just for us. 947 00:48:02,512 --> 00:48:05,414 And the money's kind of stalling out. 948 00:48:05,447 --> 00:48:07,383 Worrisome. 949 00:48:07,416 --> 00:48:09,052 And you're right, 950 00:48:09,084 --> 00:48:12,988 we haven't met any babes since the hot tub party. 951 00:48:13,021 --> 00:48:14,890 Do you think they were just using us? 952 00:48:14,923 --> 00:48:17,561 They're just snaps, like before. 953 00:48:17,593 --> 00:48:21,097 I thought we'd, you know, get girls. 954 00:48:24,267 --> 00:48:26,870 -Wait a minute. -Genius kicking in? 955 00:48:26,903 --> 00:48:30,907 Kicked in! We need to start thinkin' like a big box store. 956 00:48:30,939 --> 00:48:33,075 That's kind of what I was thinking, too. 957 00:48:33,108 --> 00:48:35,845 Big box. How? 958 00:48:35,878 --> 00:48:37,246 We need volume. 959 00:48:37,280 --> 00:48:39,082 That's what we've been missing. 960 00:48:39,115 --> 00:48:40,417 The hot tub party? 961 00:48:40,450 --> 00:48:43,053 -That was small time. -Meager. 962 00:48:43,086 --> 00:48:47,057 Suppose we throw a really big meet the judges party? 963 00:48:47,090 --> 00:48:48,325 I'm talkin' big. 964 00:48:48,358 --> 00:48:50,927 I like it. I like it a lot. 965 00:48:50,959 --> 00:48:54,396 But this time we control costs. 966 00:48:54,430 --> 00:48:57,300 We charge them $5 at the door! 967 00:48:57,332 --> 00:49:00,003 Yes! Money coming in! 968 00:49:00,035 --> 00:49:01,470 We meet them in person, 969 00:49:01,503 --> 00:49:04,006 and they'll like us because they have to! 970 00:49:04,039 --> 00:49:06,008 Exactly. 971 00:49:06,041 --> 00:49:07,142 I'm a genius. 972 00:49:09,044 --> 00:49:12,148 -Selfie coming in. -Yup. 973 00:49:14,050 --> 00:49:16,519 Please, just stop it. 974 00:49:16,552 --> 00:49:19,488 What a babe. 975 00:49:19,521 --> 00:49:21,023 Any more of her? 976 00:49:21,057 --> 00:49:22,626 Maybe. There. 977 00:49:22,659 --> 00:49:24,628 Yes. 978 00:49:24,660 --> 00:49:27,296 Best of breed. 979 00:49:27,329 --> 00:49:28,497 Invite her. 980 00:49:31,334 --> 00:49:33,003 Sorry about the interruption. 981 00:49:33,035 --> 00:49:35,137 Rhino board of directors asked me to personally see 982 00:49:35,171 --> 00:49:38,642 what all these selfies are about. 983 00:49:38,675 --> 00:49:41,144 15 sites up and running around the globe. 984 00:49:41,177 --> 00:49:42,512 Well, let's see a few. 985 00:49:42,544 --> 00:49:45,148 She's beautiful. 986 00:49:45,180 --> 00:49:46,548 So how's that going? 987 00:49:46,581 --> 00:49:52,554 -$24,625. Two days. -Gold mine. 988 00:49:52,588 --> 00:49:55,691 You got to know them japanese love their selfies. 989 00:49:55,724 --> 00:50:01,630 An unbelievable $179,125 in just two days. 990 00:50:01,664 --> 00:50:05,635 Well, we all love selfies. I know I do. 991 00:50:05,668 --> 00:50:11,041 I... I'm wondering how much do the danes like their selfies? 992 00:50:11,073 --> 00:50:12,275 Not as much as the japanese, 993 00:50:12,307 --> 00:50:14,376 but, hey, it's a smaller country. 994 00:50:14,410 --> 00:50:18,281 $32,025 in 48 hours. 995 00:50:18,314 --> 00:50:22,686 Well, per capita that's... that's pretty damn good. 996 00:50:22,718 --> 00:50:25,155 And our liability in each of these countries? 997 00:50:25,188 --> 00:50:27,122 -The... the prize money? -Nothin'. 998 00:50:27,155 --> 00:50:28,490 -Nothing? -Yep. 999 00:50:28,523 --> 00:50:29,959 How can that be? 1000 00:50:29,992 --> 00:50:32,294 Nice little contract we have. 1001 00:50:32,327 --> 00:50:36,198 The boys are covering the $35,000 grand prize. 1002 00:50:36,231 --> 00:50:38,133 We have all the international rights, 1003 00:50:38,166 --> 00:50:41,303 as in all the international income. 1004 00:50:41,336 --> 00:50:42,639 Genius, geni... 1005 00:50:42,671 --> 00:50:45,474 say, are there any other selfies? 1006 00:50:45,508 --> 00:50:48,645 My personal favorite, Brazil. 1007 00:50:50,313 --> 00:50:51,648 It's like them brazilian babes 1008 00:50:51,680 --> 00:50:53,148 were just made for selfies. 1009 00:50:53,182 --> 00:50:55,084 I couldn't agree more. 1010 00:50:55,117 --> 00:50:57,720 I'm going to need .jpegs of all of these. 1011 00:50:57,753 --> 00:51:00,089 Hi-rez only. 1012 00:51:00,122 --> 00:51:02,124 For the files, you understand. 1013 00:51:04,559 --> 00:51:05,695 Yes... 1014 00:51:07,563 --> 00:51:10,499 Selfies italiano per favore. 1015 00:51:10,532 --> 00:51:11,500 Here you go. 1016 00:51:11,534 --> 00:51:13,369 Holy cannoli. 1017 00:51:13,403 --> 00:51:15,372 I'd like to smear some ricotta cheese 1018 00:51:15,405 --> 00:51:17,540 on her tasty little rump. 1019 00:51:17,572 --> 00:51:20,175 Grr. 1020 00:51:21,811 --> 00:51:24,213 'Kay, mom, just make sure you're collecting the $5. 1021 00:51:24,247 --> 00:51:26,549 I know, I know. Go, go, go. 1022 00:51:26,581 --> 00:51:28,717 $5 includes a free drink. 1023 00:51:28,751 --> 00:51:30,553 -Your name sweetie? -Abby. 1024 00:51:30,586 --> 00:51:33,390 -Abby. Best of luck. -Thanks. 1025 00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:35,558 -Next name? -Bolivia. 1026 00:51:35,590 --> 00:51:38,327 How do we get our extra points? 1027 00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:40,696 See our sons the judges back there? 1028 00:51:40,729 --> 00:51:44,300 You kiss there ass for maximum points. 1029 00:51:44,332 --> 00:51:46,168 Does this include snacks? 1030 00:51:46,202 --> 00:51:48,371 Of course it does, Bolivia. 1031 00:51:48,403 --> 00:51:49,706 What can I tell you? 1032 00:51:49,738 --> 00:51:51,206 Our sons, they hate money, 1033 00:51:51,240 --> 00:51:52,542 but they love their little selfies. 1034 00:51:52,575 --> 00:51:54,177 Next? Name? 1035 00:51:54,209 --> 00:51:56,246 Lakeisha. 1036 00:51:56,278 --> 00:51:58,247 Honey, how do you spell that? 1037 00:51:58,280 --> 00:51:59,782 Like it sounds. 1038 00:51:59,816 --> 00:52:01,485 Right. 1039 00:52:02,651 --> 00:52:04,787 There you go. 1040 00:52:04,820 --> 00:52:05,822 Next? 1041 00:52:05,854 --> 00:52:07,189 Nicole. 1042 00:52:09,325 --> 00:52:11,528 Can you tell me where are the judges? 1043 00:52:11,561 --> 00:52:13,162 They're back there. 1044 00:52:13,195 --> 00:52:14,497 There you go. 1045 00:52:17,166 --> 00:52:19,035 $5! 1046 00:52:21,104 --> 00:52:23,273 Ho, ho, ho! 1047 00:52:23,305 --> 00:52:25,641 Well, look at you. Aren't you something? 1048 00:52:25,675 --> 00:52:27,377 Thanks. 1049 00:52:27,410 --> 00:52:29,279 Got a special invite from the judges. 1050 00:52:29,311 --> 00:52:32,147 Not gonna lie. Here for the extra points. 1051 00:52:32,180 --> 00:52:33,515 Here, let's snap a few. 1052 00:52:33,548 --> 00:52:35,284 Okay. 1053 00:52:42,191 --> 00:52:43,793 5 bucks? What a deal! 1054 00:52:43,825 --> 00:52:45,294 They have to be taking a lot. 1055 00:52:45,327 --> 00:52:47,229 Or getting a tax write-off. 1056 00:52:47,262 --> 00:52:48,797 If they need a tax write-off, 1057 00:52:48,831 --> 00:52:49,865 that means they're really rich. 1058 00:52:49,898 --> 00:52:52,134 So smart, losing money. 1059 00:52:52,168 --> 00:52:53,769 Crazy smart. 1060 00:52:53,802 --> 00:52:57,673 Chub said we all get some, extra free drinks? 1061 00:52:58,840 --> 00:53:00,476 Well, whatever chub says goes. 1062 00:53:00,510 --> 00:53:01,544 You're such a tramp. 1063 00:53:01,577 --> 00:53:03,345 They can afford it. 1064 00:53:03,378 --> 00:53:05,447 Losing money is smart for rich people. 1065 00:53:08,251 --> 00:53:12,222 All right, girls! To the bar we go! 1066 00:53:12,255 --> 00:53:13,523 Take care of these lovely ladies. 1067 00:53:13,555 --> 00:53:14,523 Give 'em whatever they want. 1068 00:53:14,557 --> 00:53:17,526 What's up, ladies? 1069 00:53:17,559 --> 00:53:18,861 How are you? 1070 00:53:18,894 --> 00:53:20,863 Are those the shoes that we bought you? 1071 00:53:20,896 --> 00:53:23,699 Yeah, they are, sweetie. Thank you so much. 1072 00:53:23,733 --> 00:53:25,668 Yes, thank you so much. 1073 00:53:25,700 --> 00:53:27,503 We love them. You two are so sweet. 1074 00:53:27,537 --> 00:53:29,339 -We're so sweet? -Yes. 1075 00:53:29,372 --> 00:53:31,474 Yeah, baby. You said we could. 1076 00:53:31,506 --> 00:53:33,342 -We did? -We were drunk. 1077 00:53:33,376 --> 00:53:35,512 -And they are babes. -You know what? 1078 00:53:35,544 --> 00:53:37,479 It's no problem! It's our pleasure! 1079 00:53:37,512 --> 00:53:39,681 Yeah, wear 'em in good health. 1080 00:53:39,715 --> 00:53:42,852 And guess what? You both are contenders! 1081 00:53:42,885 --> 00:53:46,356 What? Shake 'em! Shake 'em, shake 'em! 1082 00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:47,524 -Yes! -Love it! 1083 00:53:47,557 --> 00:53:50,860 I love my life! I need a drink! 1084 00:53:50,892 --> 00:53:52,762 Thank you! 1085 00:53:56,965 --> 00:53:59,768 -Bottle of champagne. -Me, too. 1086 00:53:59,802 --> 00:54:01,738 It's so generous of the guys. 1087 00:54:01,771 --> 00:54:04,340 Let's go see them. 1088 00:54:07,610 --> 00:54:09,746 Want a drink? 1089 00:54:09,778 --> 00:54:11,280 -Hey. -Hey. 1090 00:54:11,314 --> 00:54:14,184 I'm Abby. You're so hot. 1091 00:54:14,217 --> 00:54:16,419 I know. It is sweltering in here. 1092 00:54:16,452 --> 00:54:19,622 No. No! Your essence. 1093 00:54:22,325 --> 00:54:23,927 Hey. 1094 00:54:23,959 --> 00:54:25,762 -Hey, Abby. -Yeah, this is Abby. 1095 00:54:25,794 --> 00:54:28,430 -I know! -Got to be honest here. 1096 00:54:28,463 --> 00:54:30,732 -For the extra points. -Not for the drinks? 1097 00:54:30,765 --> 00:54:32,367 Drinks! Me! 1098 00:54:32,401 --> 00:54:34,604 Drinks! Me! 1099 00:54:34,637 --> 00:54:36,439 If you want extra drinks, 1100 00:54:36,472 --> 00:54:40,310 just tell them that chub told you all right! 1101 00:54:40,343 --> 00:54:42,378 Give this selfie queen an extra ten points. 1102 00:54:42,410 --> 00:54:45,247 -Whoo! -I want all the points! 1103 00:54:45,280 --> 00:54:47,717 Whoo! Wait a minute! 17 over there! 1104 00:54:47,749 --> 00:54:49,952 What about me? How many do I get? 1105 00:54:49,985 --> 00:54:52,721 Rosa gets 50 extra bonus points! 1106 00:54:52,755 --> 00:54:56,358 -I love you, Rosa! -45. 1107 00:54:56,392 --> 00:54:57,427 -39. -Yeah! 1108 00:54:57,459 --> 00:54:58,628 45. 1109 00:54:58,660 --> 00:54:59,963 Mindy! 1110 00:55:03,832 --> 00:55:06,501 -12! -And me? 1111 00:55:06,535 --> 00:55:08,303 How many points do I get? 1112 00:55:08,336 --> 00:55:09,805 Dance off! 1113 00:56:29,885 --> 00:56:31,587 Did you see that babe last night? 1114 00:56:31,619 --> 00:56:33,322 Which one? 1115 00:56:33,356 --> 00:56:34,857 The babe-est. 1116 00:56:34,889 --> 00:56:37,693 The one in the green sequined dress. 1117 00:56:38,927 --> 00:56:41,596 She was not my type. 1118 00:56:41,630 --> 00:56:44,032 I liked her a lot. 1119 00:56:44,066 --> 00:56:46,502 I would give her minus points. 1120 00:56:46,535 --> 00:56:48,871 You can't minus points her. 1121 00:56:48,903 --> 00:56:52,809 -I gave her 369. -Points? 1122 00:56:52,842 --> 00:56:56,111 -How are we judging this anyways? 1123 00:56:56,144 --> 00:56:59,748 I don't remember who I gave points to or how many. 1124 00:57:00,782 --> 00:57:02,551 Did we get laid last night? 1125 00:57:02,584 --> 00:57:05,655 -I doubt it. -Are you sure? 1126 00:57:05,688 --> 00:57:08,457 90% sure? 1127 00:57:08,490 --> 00:57:11,093 And if we did, it doesn't count 1128 00:57:11,126 --> 00:57:13,628 since we don't remember it. 1129 00:57:13,662 --> 00:57:14,930 -Good point. -Yep. 1130 00:57:14,963 --> 00:57:17,599 Not remembering is like it never happened. 1131 00:57:19,702 --> 00:57:22,472 But wait, i don't remember my babyhood, 1132 00:57:22,505 --> 00:57:23,740 but I had one. 1133 00:57:23,773 --> 00:57:25,041 Okay. 1134 00:57:26,508 --> 00:57:27,776 Man. 1135 00:57:27,809 --> 00:57:30,112 I would love to get my jetpack blasted 1136 00:57:30,146 --> 00:57:33,115 by that green dress babe. 1137 00:57:42,791 --> 00:57:44,092 What do you think? 1138 00:57:44,126 --> 00:57:45,495 Unh-unh. 1139 00:57:45,528 --> 00:57:47,096 She's all yours. 1140 00:57:47,128 --> 00:57:50,766 Boys! Get in here quick. Breaking news. 1141 00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:53,468 Winners of this past weekend's super lottery draw. 1142 00:57:53,501 --> 00:57:55,537 We don't really care about the news, dad. 1143 00:57:57,106 --> 00:58:01,177 It's kind of an interruption in our lives. 1144 00:58:01,209 --> 00:58:03,845 It's okay. 1145 00:58:03,878 --> 00:58:06,681 We'II, you're gonna want to see this. 1146 00:58:11,753 --> 00:58:13,822 K-dik major breaking news. 1147 00:58:13,856 --> 00:58:15,825 We have our on-scene reporter Sandra Jackson 1148 00:58:15,858 --> 00:58:17,526 at congressman Daniel t. Moorhead's office 1149 00:58:17,559 --> 00:58:19,494 Sandra, what's breaking there? 1150 00:58:19,528 --> 00:58:21,997 Thanks, Jeff. I'm here with congressman moorhead 1151 00:58:22,030 --> 00:58:23,999 and special agent Zoey Miller. 1152 00:58:24,032 --> 00:58:25,534 Wow, Zoey Miller, can you explain 1153 00:58:25,568 --> 00:58:27,669 these extraordinary circumstances? 1154 00:58:27,702 --> 00:58:31,006 Well, I am not so sure they're all that unusual. 1155 00:58:31,039 --> 00:58:33,008 I am taking the congressman into custody 1156 00:58:33,041 --> 00:58:35,010 for what is commonly known as "pay to play." 1157 00:58:35,043 --> 00:58:37,145 -Okay. -In this case, 1158 00:58:37,178 --> 00:58:39,849 overt demands for money from his constituents 1159 00:58:39,881 --> 00:58:41,617 in exchange for political favors. 1160 00:58:41,650 --> 00:58:44,421 In short, extortion. 1161 00:58:45,186 --> 00:58:46,788 Comments, congressman? 1162 00:58:46,822 --> 00:58:48,890 Well, let's be very, very clear about this. 1163 00:58:48,923 --> 00:58:52,661 Taking campaign donations is perfectly legal. 1164 00:58:52,695 --> 00:58:54,997 I mean, think about it. People don't donate money 1165 00:58:55,030 --> 00:58:58,668 out of the goodness of their heart, do they? I mean, do they? 1166 00:58:58,700 --> 00:59:01,236 Can you explain that a little bit, congressman? 1167 00:59:01,269 --> 00:59:03,905 Well, if I don't return the favor, 1168 00:59:03,939 --> 00:59:06,242 then shame on me. 1169 00:59:06,275 --> 00:59:09,077 I mean, if I happen to do something 1170 00:59:09,110 --> 00:59:13,081 that does something for one of my donors that needs done, 1171 00:59:13,115 --> 00:59:15,885 then just so much the better for everyone. 1172 00:59:15,918 --> 00:59:18,253 I mean, isn't it the right thing to do 1173 00:59:18,287 --> 00:59:19,956 when someone gives you money? 1174 00:59:21,256 --> 00:59:22,724 I understand the logic. 1175 00:59:22,758 --> 00:59:24,227 Well, perfect logic. 1176 00:59:24,260 --> 00:59:25,895 That's all I have to say. 1177 00:59:25,927 --> 00:59:27,596 -Okay. -No, wait. 1178 00:59:27,630 --> 00:59:29,965 I'll be out before sunset. 1179 00:59:29,999 --> 00:59:34,537 So he's off to jail. Gone. 1180 00:59:34,570 --> 00:59:36,639 He's no use to me anymore. 1181 00:59:38,941 --> 00:59:41,077 Did you like him? 1182 00:59:41,110 --> 00:59:44,747 He like all the others. 1183 00:59:44,780 --> 00:59:47,617 But you... bone. 1184 00:59:47,650 --> 00:59:49,619 But did you like him a lot? 1185 00:59:49,651 --> 00:59:51,253 Like, you know, that kind of a lot? 1186 00:59:51,287 --> 00:59:53,089 Guess who! 1187 00:59:53,122 --> 00:59:56,058 -I don't know. -It's me! 1188 00:59:56,090 --> 00:59:57,826 -Hey. -Hi. 1189 00:59:57,860 --> 01:00:00,062 Who's she? One of your other selfie girls? 1190 01:00:00,095 --> 01:00:03,032 She's just a friend. 1191 01:00:03,064 --> 01:00:06,903 A dear friend. 1192 01:00:06,936 --> 01:00:08,905 I suppose an important selfie judge like yourself 1193 01:00:08,938 --> 01:00:11,240 has all the women he needs. 1194 01:00:11,273 --> 01:00:13,242 Filled to the brim, i bet. 1195 01:00:13,275 --> 01:00:17,246 Overflow, you hunk of a man, you. 1196 01:00:17,278 --> 01:00:20,615 Hey! I am with him. 1197 01:00:20,648 --> 01:00:23,618 With her? Or with me? 1198 01:00:27,956 --> 01:00:30,258 Rain check. 1199 01:00:30,291 --> 01:00:33,061 Rain check? Think again. Think quickly. 1200 01:00:33,095 --> 01:00:35,231 Sorry. That just slipped out of my memory. 1201 01:00:35,264 --> 01:00:37,733 I meant, like, check please. 1202 01:00:37,765 --> 01:00:40,235 Maybe we can check out of here 1203 01:00:40,269 --> 01:00:41,904 and check out another place, maybe? 1204 01:00:41,936 --> 01:00:43,104 -You sure? -Yeah, we can... 1205 01:00:43,137 --> 01:00:44,306 you're gonna think I'm crazy, 1206 01:00:44,340 --> 01:00:47,910 but I just love shopping... 1207 01:00:47,943 --> 01:00:49,912 Going to pawn shops. 1208 01:00:49,945 --> 01:00:53,249 -Pawn shops? -Pawn shops? 1209 01:00:53,282 --> 01:00:56,318 Yes, yes. They seem so exotic. 1210 01:00:56,352 --> 01:00:58,821 Exotic. 1211 01:00:58,854 --> 01:01:02,325 -Exotic? -Yes, and I love exotic. 1212 01:01:02,358 --> 01:01:05,995 You might even say "exotic" is my motto. 1213 01:01:06,028 --> 01:01:09,298 How do feel about... Exotic? 1214 01:01:09,331 --> 01:01:12,133 "Exotic" is one of my mottos, too. 1215 01:01:12,166 --> 01:01:15,136 I mean, maybe it's more of a slogan for me. 1216 01:01:15,169 --> 01:01:17,005 Same exact thing. 1217 01:01:20,041 --> 01:01:23,845 -Go. -You two were made for each other. 1218 01:01:26,148 --> 01:01:29,318 So do you know any good pawn shops? 1219 01:01:29,351 --> 01:01:31,320 I know plenty of great pawn shops. 1220 01:01:31,352 --> 01:01:33,322 -Yeah? -I go every weekend. 1221 01:01:33,354 --> 01:01:34,756 Yeah. 1222 01:01:34,789 --> 01:01:36,157 Is that where you get all the jewelry? 1223 01:01:36,191 --> 01:01:37,827 Congressman? 1224 01:01:37,860 --> 01:01:41,162 No, you ninny. Chub's father. 1225 01:01:41,195 --> 01:01:42,398 Who's this? 1226 01:01:42,430 --> 01:01:45,333 Kind of like a girlfriend. 1227 01:01:45,367 --> 01:01:48,169 Kind of? Way to go, bone. 1228 01:01:48,202 --> 01:01:50,139 "Kind of" means beginning stages 1229 01:01:50,171 --> 01:01:52,175 of girlfriend/boyfriend. 1230 01:02:04,787 --> 01:02:08,758 Darling! You did get out! 1231 01:02:08,791 --> 01:02:10,760 So happy. 1232 01:02:10,793 --> 01:02:12,394 Can I offer you anything? 1233 01:02:12,427 --> 01:02:14,896 A celebration? 1234 01:02:14,930 --> 01:02:17,366 Darling? Offer me what? 1235 01:02:17,398 --> 01:02:18,867 Anything. 1236 01:02:18,901 --> 01:02:23,372 Let your imagination run wild. 1237 01:02:23,405 --> 01:02:25,307 You are so good at that. 1238 01:02:25,340 --> 01:02:27,043 A yankee mix. 1239 01:02:27,075 --> 01:02:30,912 Now me. What would you like to order from me? 1240 01:02:32,247 --> 01:02:36,218 Are you tried of the Russian Irina? 1241 01:02:36,251 --> 01:02:38,387 I don't know you enough. 1242 01:02:38,419 --> 01:02:41,890 So sweet. So charming. 1243 01:02:41,923 --> 01:02:44,226 How'd you like this accent? 1244 01:02:44,258 --> 01:02:46,394 This accent's a little harder to do. 1245 01:02:46,427 --> 01:02:49,064 It's an upcharge. Russian's easy. 1246 01:02:49,097 --> 01:02:52,101 I just throw that in as part of the deal. 1247 01:02:52,133 --> 01:02:55,036 -You do accents. -All day! 1248 01:02:55,070 --> 01:02:58,274 All night, bloke, if that's your pleasure. 1249 01:02:58,307 --> 01:03:01,843 -Really? -I'll give you any accent you like. 1250 01:03:01,876 --> 01:03:04,813 How's this, mon amour? 1251 01:03:04,847 --> 01:03:07,115 -Does this work? -Does it work? 1252 01:03:07,148 --> 01:03:08,851 I'll say it does. 1253 01:03:08,883 --> 01:03:11,486 Mon amour, i can throw in French free. 1254 01:03:11,519 --> 01:03:13,822 I kind of like the cockney. 1255 01:03:13,856 --> 01:03:16,092 You know, the tough girl. 1256 01:03:16,124 --> 01:03:17,293 Tough girl? 1257 01:03:17,325 --> 01:03:19,061 Accent upcharge, too. 1258 01:03:19,093 --> 01:03:21,063 Well, I'll go the upcharge. 1259 01:03:21,095 --> 01:03:24,467 Smart move, Daniel. So smart. 1260 01:03:24,499 --> 01:03:27,936 Daniel? Yes. Yes, Daniel. 1261 01:03:27,970 --> 01:03:29,271 Call me Daniel. 1262 01:03:29,303 --> 01:03:32,108 Let's go for the whole shooting match. 1263 01:03:32,140 --> 01:03:33,809 Daniel would love that, 1264 01:03:33,842 --> 01:03:36,479 but not as much as me. 1265 01:03:39,314 --> 01:03:42,118 My god. Just look! 1266 01:03:42,151 --> 01:03:45,321 A gigantic grab bag full of exotic treasures. 1267 01:03:45,354 --> 01:03:47,990 My, look at that ring. I loves rings. 1268 01:03:48,023 --> 01:03:50,793 They're my fashion statement. 1269 01:03:50,825 --> 01:03:54,829 -Am I too flashy? -No. Exactly the right flashy. 1270 01:03:54,863 --> 01:03:56,999 -Could we see it? -Here you go? 1271 01:03:57,032 --> 01:04:00,369 Aren't you the cutest thing ever? 1272 01:04:00,401 --> 01:04:02,371 I could just take you in my mouth. 1273 01:04:02,403 --> 01:04:05,507 My, I'm getting ahead of myself. 1274 01:04:05,541 --> 01:04:07,176 Head... love that. 1275 01:04:07,209 --> 01:04:09,178 Me, too. 1276 01:04:09,211 --> 01:04:11,514 -How much? -7900. 1277 01:04:11,546 --> 01:04:13,882 -A steal. -One of a kind. 1278 01:04:13,916 --> 01:04:15,218 We'll take it. 1279 01:04:18,387 --> 01:04:20,022 No, no. No kissing. 1280 01:04:20,055 --> 01:04:21,524 Not on the first date. 1281 01:04:21,557 --> 01:04:22,525 Sorry. 1282 01:04:22,557 --> 01:04:25,061 Naughty, naughty, naughty. 1283 01:04:26,561 --> 01:04:28,063 Love it! 1284 01:04:36,238 --> 01:04:39,308 Have you ever been in love? 1285 01:04:39,340 --> 01:04:41,509 Every click of the mouse. 1286 01:04:41,543 --> 01:04:45,981 I wish I had a dad so I could ask him about love. 1287 01:04:46,014 --> 01:04:48,050 I hate this conversation. 1288 01:04:48,082 --> 01:04:49,918 -I bought her a ring. -Who? 1289 01:04:49,952 --> 01:04:52,354 The babe from the big box party. 1290 01:04:52,387 --> 01:04:54,356 Green dress, yellow heels. 1291 01:04:54,389 --> 01:04:58,093 -What's her name? -I don't know... 1292 01:04:58,126 --> 01:05:00,428 And I don't care. 1293 01:05:00,461 --> 01:05:03,832 You don't know her name and you bought her a ring? 1294 01:05:03,865 --> 01:05:05,601 -What kind? -Diamond. 1295 01:05:05,633 --> 01:05:09,237 $7900, and she is worth every penny. 1296 01:05:09,271 --> 01:05:13,441 -Did you charge it? -What do you think? 1297 01:05:13,474 --> 01:05:15,877 How are we money-wise? 1298 01:05:15,910 --> 01:05:19,414 Ballpark... 50 grand, banked. 1299 01:05:19,447 --> 01:05:22,083 Our meet the judges' party 1300 01:05:22,117 --> 01:05:28,256 cost $27,347? How can that be? 1301 01:05:28,289 --> 01:05:30,025 Your mother charged them, right? 1302 01:05:30,057 --> 01:05:32,628 -She did. -Then what is the plus from the party? 1303 01:05:32,660 --> 01:05:34,630 -50. -50,000? 1304 01:05:34,662 --> 01:05:36,264 No, I said 50. 1305 01:05:36,298 --> 01:05:38,267 She comped some, refunded some. 1306 01:05:38,300 --> 01:05:40,169 $50. 1307 01:05:40,202 --> 01:05:42,271 So we threw 1308 01:05:42,303 --> 01:05:47,276 a $27,347 party? 1309 01:05:47,309 --> 01:05:49,611 -Including tip. -What else is on the card? 1310 01:05:49,644 --> 01:05:52,514 Car. Look. 1311 01:05:52,546 --> 01:05:54,182 A fur coat for your mom. 1312 01:05:54,215 --> 01:05:56,951 Yeah, well, you bought stuff for your dad. 1313 01:05:56,985 --> 01:05:59,287 I see the diamond ring. 1314 01:05:59,320 --> 01:06:01,489 Our credit card bill 1315 01:06:01,523 --> 01:06:06,327 is $142,789.39! 1316 01:06:06,360 --> 01:06:07,662 Sounds about right. 1317 01:06:07,695 --> 01:06:10,665 How? I thought you said we had 50,000. 1318 01:06:10,698 --> 01:06:12,166 Yeah, but that's in "in money," 1319 01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:13,936 not "out money." 1320 01:06:13,968 --> 01:06:19,173 So we owe, ballpark, $100,000? 1321 01:06:19,206 --> 01:06:21,409 Better than 140. 1322 01:06:21,443 --> 01:06:25,680 And we owe a $35,000 prize. 1323 01:06:25,713 --> 01:06:29,150 So, ballpark, 140. 1324 01:06:29,184 --> 01:06:30,653 'Kay. 1325 01:06:30,686 --> 01:06:34,155 How are the selfies coming in? 1326 01:06:34,189 --> 01:06:36,992 Three today. Three. 1327 01:06:37,025 --> 01:06:38,994 Well, someone's asleep at the wheel. 1328 01:06:39,026 --> 01:06:42,664 And someone has got the credit card gas pedal to the floor! 1329 01:06:42,697 --> 01:06:44,465 Don't you copy my metaphors. 1330 01:06:44,499 --> 01:06:46,035 Car... you. 1331 01:06:46,068 --> 01:06:47,369 Dad clothes... you. 1332 01:06:47,401 --> 01:06:49,104 Diamond ring... you. 1333 01:06:49,137 --> 01:06:51,073 Mink coat... you! 1334 01:06:51,106 --> 01:06:52,707 Meet the judges party... you. 1335 01:06:52,740 --> 01:06:55,076 Comping girls... you! 1336 01:06:55,110 --> 01:06:57,012 Yeah, well, someone has been slackin'. 1337 01:06:57,044 --> 01:06:59,581 -You! -What? 1338 01:06:59,613 --> 01:07:01,182 Where are all your ideas? 1339 01:07:01,215 --> 01:07:03,351 We all know you're the idea man. 1340 01:07:03,385 --> 01:07:05,653 I'm just the cohort! 1341 01:07:05,686 --> 01:07:09,657 I'm fresh out of ideas. 1342 01:07:12,394 --> 01:07:14,063 Harris here. 1343 01:07:14,095 --> 01:07:15,697 Hey, Harris. What's up? 1344 01:07:15,731 --> 01:07:17,533 -Chub! -You're on speaker. 1345 01:07:17,566 --> 01:07:19,702 -Bone's here. -Nothing really. 1346 01:07:19,735 --> 01:07:23,072 Just seeing how your "selfie shootout" website's doin'. 1347 01:07:23,104 --> 01:07:24,072 You know, the more selfies, 1348 01:07:24,106 --> 01:07:25,374 the better for our drink. 1349 01:07:25,407 --> 01:07:28,077 Not so hot. Only three. 1350 01:07:28,110 --> 01:07:30,211 That's too bad. 1351 01:07:30,244 --> 01:07:32,547 Our international sites are gangbusters. 1352 01:07:32,581 --> 01:07:34,182 Selfies through the roof. 1353 01:07:34,215 --> 01:07:37,051 Japan, Nigeria... gangbusters. 1354 01:07:37,084 --> 01:07:40,356 -Japan and Nigeria? -Through the roof! 1355 01:07:40,389 --> 01:07:43,525 I tell you, those japanese, they love their selfies. 1356 01:07:43,557 --> 01:07:46,527 And Denmark? Why, that's a tidy little market. 1357 01:07:46,561 --> 01:07:48,197 That's the same as our website. 1358 01:07:48,229 --> 01:07:49,365 Chub? Chub? Got to go, guy. 1359 01:07:49,398 --> 01:07:51,533 All right. 1360 01:07:51,566 --> 01:07:54,169 Where exactly is "nigh-jerryia"? 1361 01:07:54,202 --> 01:07:56,372 What difference does it make? 1362 01:07:56,405 --> 01:07:58,307 India. 1363 01:07:58,340 --> 01:08:00,776 Why didn't I think of any of this? 1364 01:08:00,809 --> 01:08:03,077 This is why we're not getting selfies. 1365 01:08:03,110 --> 01:08:04,445 Competition. 1366 01:08:04,479 --> 01:08:07,549 All the websites are exactly the same as ours. 1367 01:08:07,581 --> 01:08:10,084 No monopoly, no profit. 1368 01:08:10,117 --> 01:08:12,587 We've got to get back on that profit train. 1369 01:08:12,621 --> 01:08:15,758 Let's research capitalism. 1370 01:08:15,791 --> 01:08:17,759 -What? -Think about it. 1371 01:08:17,793 --> 01:08:21,196 Capitalism equals making money. 1372 01:08:21,228 --> 01:08:23,598 -Makes sense to me. -Yep. 1373 01:08:23,631 --> 01:08:29,138 U.S.P... Unique selling proposition. 1374 01:08:29,170 --> 01:08:33,141 We just need something to make us special 1375 01:08:33,174 --> 01:08:36,445 so we can get the girls from Nigeria, 1376 01:08:36,478 --> 01:08:40,182 Japan, Denmark to come back to us. 1377 01:08:40,214 --> 01:08:42,450 Yeah, 'cause if we're unique, 1378 01:08:42,483 --> 01:08:45,053 then we'll control the selfie market. 1379 01:08:45,086 --> 01:08:47,822 Yep, and he who controls selfies... 1380 01:08:47,856 --> 01:08:49,590 Controls... 1381 01:08:49,624 --> 01:08:51,760 Selfies. 1382 01:08:51,793 --> 01:08:55,263 Pure unadulterated power. 1383 01:08:55,296 --> 01:08:59,201 And unadulterated power gets us money, 1384 01:08:59,233 --> 01:09:01,769 which gets us our condo, 1385 01:09:01,803 --> 01:09:05,107 which gets us our ultimate goal... 1386 01:09:05,139 --> 01:09:07,209 Babes! 1387 01:09:07,241 --> 01:09:10,678 What can our u. S.P. Be? 1388 01:09:10,711 --> 01:09:12,347 Don't know. 1389 01:09:12,379 --> 01:09:13,681 I don't either. 1390 01:09:13,714 --> 01:09:15,683 We got... I'm gonna stand, 1391 01:09:15,717 --> 01:09:16,818 and I'm gonna... I'm gonna... 1392 01:09:16,852 --> 01:09:18,220 just work it out. 1393 01:09:18,253 --> 01:09:19,621 Oxygen going to the brain. 1394 01:09:19,653 --> 01:09:21,356 -Working. Got it. -Here we go. I got this. 1395 01:09:21,388 --> 01:09:23,659 Okay. You're gonna love it. 1396 01:09:23,692 --> 01:09:25,327 -Okay. -That's all you're gonna want to do. 1397 01:09:25,360 --> 01:09:26,661 I like it. I like it a lot. 1398 01:09:26,695 --> 01:09:28,664 Okay, I'll save that for later. 1399 01:09:28,696 --> 01:09:31,699 What i... okay, okay. 1400 01:09:34,236 --> 01:09:37,206 Do you think the press release will work? 1401 01:09:37,238 --> 01:09:40,675 How do we get the million dollars? 1402 01:09:40,709 --> 01:09:42,845 What are you? An idiot? 1403 01:09:42,878 --> 01:09:46,348 Wha... from the submitted selfies. 1404 01:09:46,380 --> 01:09:47,849 That's always been our u. S.P., 1405 01:09:47,883 --> 01:09:49,351 a bigger cash prize. 1406 01:09:49,384 --> 01:09:51,220 I mean, we just didn't know it. 1407 01:09:51,253 --> 01:09:55,223 Yeah, it's been hiding in the recesses of your mind. 1408 01:09:55,256 --> 01:09:56,858 Would a billion dollars be better? 1409 01:09:56,892 --> 01:10:00,295 That's like a super take 'em to the wall u. S.P. 1410 01:10:00,327 --> 01:10:03,499 What are you thinking? Do the math. 1411 01:10:03,531 --> 01:10:04,832 A billion-dollar prize 1412 01:10:04,866 --> 01:10:07,669 would mean that every babe on the planet 1413 01:10:07,701 --> 01:10:10,204 would have to submit, and, obviously, 1414 01:10:10,237 --> 01:10:12,540 every babe on the planet doesn't take selfies. 1415 01:10:12,573 --> 01:10:15,611 I beg to disagree. 1416 01:10:21,883 --> 01:10:24,385 Dad! 1417 01:10:26,521 --> 01:10:29,525 Whoa. So that's what a real man looks like? 1418 01:10:29,558 --> 01:10:32,194 What are you doing? I thought you didn't like it. 1419 01:10:32,227 --> 01:10:35,296 Well, this is my house. You should knock. 1420 01:10:35,330 --> 01:10:37,832 I live here. I don't knock. 1421 01:10:37,866 --> 01:10:39,668 Well, a knock every once in awhile 1422 01:10:39,701 --> 01:10:41,537 would be appreciated. 1423 01:10:47,375 --> 01:10:49,344 Breaking news. This just in, 1424 01:10:49,376 --> 01:10:52,380 a 4 alarm fire has... thank you. 1425 01:10:54,883 --> 01:10:56,919 K-dik, the leader of breaking news, 1426 01:10:56,951 --> 01:10:59,588 breaks into breaking news with major breaking news. 1427 01:10:59,620 --> 01:11:02,256 Our two local boys, chub moorhead and bone Casper 1428 01:11:02,290 --> 01:11:03,759 of "selfie shootout" fame, 1429 01:11:03,791 --> 01:11:05,494 have just announced an increased prize 1430 01:11:05,527 --> 01:11:06,762 of one million dollars. 1431 01:11:06,795 --> 01:11:08,564 I can barely believe it. 1432 01:11:08,597 --> 01:11:11,465 The best selfie is in line to become a millionaire. 1433 01:11:11,499 --> 01:11:13,568 In addition, our local entrepreneurs 1434 01:11:13,602 --> 01:11:15,403 have announced a reduction in the submission fee 1435 01:11:15,437 --> 01:11:16,537 to just five dollars. 1436 01:11:16,571 --> 01:11:17,906 If I'm not mistaken, 1437 01:11:17,938 --> 01:11:19,840 that's a $10 savings. 1438 01:11:19,874 --> 01:11:21,910 Well, in the great american tradition... 1439 01:11:21,942 --> 01:11:24,213 more for less. 1440 01:11:24,245 --> 01:11:26,914 I got to wonder if that's really a smart move. 1441 01:11:26,947 --> 01:11:30,418 Back to breaking news, FBI agent Zoey Miller, 1442 01:11:30,451 --> 01:11:31,753 who broke the congressman moorhead 1443 01:11:31,786 --> 01:11:33,422 pay for play scandal wide open 1444 01:11:33,455 --> 01:11:36,292 resigned today citing personal reasons. 1445 01:11:38,960 --> 01:11:41,296 Did the genius kick in? 1446 01:11:41,329 --> 01:11:43,298 Or did the genius kick? 1447 01:11:43,330 --> 01:11:47,401 -Kicked in! -Well, I don't get... 1448 01:11:47,434 --> 01:11:48,736 you don't get what? 1449 01:11:48,769 --> 01:11:50,738 It is perfectly clear. 1450 01:11:50,772 --> 01:11:52,573 More for less. 1451 01:11:52,607 --> 01:11:54,276 Million dollar prize, 1452 01:11:54,308 --> 01:11:55,677 cheaper to submit. 1453 01:11:55,710 --> 01:12:00,349 The perfect unique selling proposition. 1454 01:12:00,381 --> 01:12:03,986 Well, if I was one of the $15 selfies, 1455 01:12:04,018 --> 01:12:06,521 I would want a ten dollar refund. 1456 01:12:09,857 --> 01:12:12,827 It's late, Zoey. I'm gonna miss you. 1457 01:12:14,495 --> 01:12:17,999 -Zoey. -I'm sorry. 1458 01:12:18,032 --> 01:12:21,570 I'm just trying to finish off this moorhead research 1459 01:12:21,603 --> 01:12:22,804 before I officially leave. 1460 01:12:22,836 --> 01:12:24,438 God, yeah. What a dick? 1461 01:12:24,472 --> 01:12:27,476 I'd say. 1462 01:12:27,509 --> 01:12:29,945 Runs deeper than I thought. 1463 01:12:29,978 --> 01:12:32,648 Submissions. Tons. 1464 01:12:32,680 --> 01:12:34,482 Total. I need a total. 1465 01:12:34,515 --> 01:12:36,817 300 new selfies on the nose. 1466 01:12:36,851 --> 01:12:39,487 1500 bucks. 1467 01:12:41,022 --> 01:12:42,491 Refund request. 1468 01:12:42,523 --> 01:12:44,660 -Refund requests. -How many? 1469 01:12:44,692 --> 01:12:46,327 -12. -That's not bad. 1470 01:12:46,361 --> 01:12:48,063 -39. -39? 1471 01:12:48,095 --> 01:12:51,366 -376! -No! 1472 01:12:51,398 --> 01:12:52,668 Okay, we need to do some math. 1473 01:12:52,701 --> 01:12:54,369 -'Kay. -When is the credit card due? 1474 01:12:54,402 --> 01:12:55,904 That's not math. That's dates. 1475 01:12:55,937 --> 01:12:57,872 -Seven days. -How much do we owe? 1476 01:12:57,906 --> 01:12:59,875 No, first, how many refund requests? 1477 01:12:59,907 --> 01:13:02,009 1,317. 1478 01:13:02,043 --> 01:13:08,349 -1,317 times ten dollars is... -13,170. 1479 01:13:08,383 --> 01:13:09,617 How many new submissions do we have? 1480 01:13:09,651 --> 01:13:14,555 500. $2500! Pretty good! 1481 01:13:14,589 --> 01:13:18,026 Really? We owe over ten grand in refunds. 1482 01:13:18,058 --> 01:13:21,629 -I'll double-check the math. -No! The math is correct! 1483 01:13:21,662 --> 01:13:23,432 When is the credit card due? 1484 01:13:23,464 --> 01:13:25,566 Seven days. I already told you. 1485 01:13:25,599 --> 01:13:27,869 It's the same day we're supposed to announce the winner. 1486 01:13:27,902 --> 01:13:29,371 Balance on the credit card? 1487 01:13:29,403 --> 01:13:34,776 Holding steady at $142,789.39. 1488 01:13:34,808 --> 01:13:37,545 Plus the ten grand in refunds. 1489 01:13:37,579 --> 01:13:40,816 -Please do the math. -Minus it or plus it? I'm not sure. 1490 01:13:40,848 --> 01:13:42,583 Plus it to get the minus total. 1491 01:13:42,616 --> 01:13:44,518 Plus the two! Plus it! 1492 01:13:44,552 --> 01:13:48,490 $152,789.39. 1493 01:13:48,522 --> 01:13:51,058 Minimum payment on the card, please. 1494 01:13:51,092 --> 01:13:56,130 $4,769... which means we will be completely paid off 1495 01:13:56,164 --> 01:13:59,634 in... 153 years. 1496 01:13:59,666 --> 01:14:01,736 Not terrible. 1497 01:14:01,769 --> 01:14:04,973 I'm okay with the 153 years, 1498 01:14:05,005 --> 01:14:09,443 but we will also owe one million dollars 1499 01:14:09,477 --> 01:14:12,613 to some nameless selfie in seven days! 1500 01:14:12,647 --> 01:14:15,817 Do you have an idea how we're gonna get that much cash in seven days? 1501 01:14:15,849 --> 01:14:17,419 Do you have any frickin' idea? 1502 01:14:17,451 --> 01:14:20,955 -Yes, I do. -And what would that be? 1503 01:14:20,988 --> 01:14:25,994 The obvious... borrow against another card. 1504 01:14:27,829 --> 01:14:29,798 What is this? 1505 01:14:35,170 --> 01:14:37,005 All right. 1506 01:14:40,541 --> 01:14:42,611 -Hello. -Chub moorhead? 1507 01:14:42,643 --> 01:14:44,780 -Yes? -Charles dutton, 1508 01:14:44,812 --> 01:14:48,150 -executive, k-dik TV. -Yes? 1509 01:14:48,183 --> 01:14:50,485 I'm calling about your selfie contest. 1510 01:14:50,518 --> 01:14:52,487 -Yes? -I understand you're gonna be 1511 01:14:52,519 --> 01:14:53,789 announcing the winner this Saturday night. 1512 01:14:53,821 --> 01:14:55,856 -Correct? -Yes. 1513 01:14:55,889 --> 01:14:57,459 We'd like exclusive rights 1514 01:14:57,491 --> 01:15:00,027 to broadcast the ceremony around the world. 1515 01:15:00,061 --> 01:15:05,032 -Okay. -And we're prepared to pay $50,000. 1516 01:15:05,066 --> 01:15:07,568 Worldwide rights. Will that work? 1517 01:15:07,602 --> 01:15:10,805 Yeah, that works. Thank you. 1518 01:15:10,839 --> 01:15:12,040 I'll set it up. 1519 01:15:12,072 --> 01:15:13,207 Be at the studio an hour early. 1520 01:15:13,241 --> 01:15:14,910 I'll have a check ready, 1521 01:15:14,942 --> 01:15:16,677 and I'll even host the awards show. 1522 01:15:16,710 --> 01:15:17,912 Quite an honor. 1523 01:15:17,946 --> 01:15:19,581 Okay. 1524 01:15:27,222 --> 01:15:30,692 -Pick up. -Yup? 1525 01:15:30,724 --> 01:15:34,695 K-dik just called, and they're gonna pay us $50,000 1526 01:15:34,728 --> 01:15:37,031 to broadcast the winning selfie Saturday. 1527 01:15:37,064 --> 01:15:40,201 -Mother lode. -It's a drop in the bucket. 1528 01:15:40,235 --> 01:15:42,704 It'll at least buy us tickets to Guatemala. 1529 01:15:42,737 --> 01:15:44,039 Maybe a condo? 1530 01:15:44,071 --> 01:15:48,709 Bone, people are fleeing Guatemala. 1531 01:15:48,742 --> 01:15:50,745 Delicious. 1532 01:16:02,790 --> 01:16:04,560 It's not so hard. I... 1533 01:16:14,969 --> 01:16:17,806 -It's me, Zoey. -The FBI Zoey? 1534 01:16:17,839 --> 01:16:19,941 Yes. How you been? 1535 01:16:19,973 --> 01:16:22,076 I've been better, i suppose. 1536 01:16:22,110 --> 01:16:25,647 Things aren't going so well, are they? 1537 01:16:25,679 --> 01:16:27,915 -With the contest? -How did you know? 1538 01:16:27,948 --> 01:16:30,085 I have access to a lot of information. 1539 01:16:30,117 --> 01:16:32,786 In fact, the FBI has access to everything. 1540 01:16:32,820 --> 01:16:36,491 Well, everybody knows that. I was just trying to be nice. 1541 01:16:37,791 --> 01:16:39,928 -We're screwed. -You're broke. 1542 01:16:39,960 --> 01:16:42,097 -Yep. -I got you covered. 1543 01:16:42,129 --> 01:16:44,265 -How? -I have discovered something 1544 01:16:44,299 --> 01:16:46,768 I'd like to share with you and bone. 1545 01:16:46,800 --> 01:16:50,271 It's a game-changer. Can you come by? 1546 01:16:53,308 --> 01:16:54,609 You don't have the million, do you? 1547 01:16:54,642 --> 01:16:56,111 -Not really. -Not at all. 1548 01:16:56,143 --> 01:16:57,945 -What else? -Credit card problems. 1549 01:16:57,978 --> 01:16:59,246 How much? 1550 01:16:59,280 --> 01:17:00,749 Never mind. 1551 01:17:01,883 --> 01:17:06,621 -$142,789.39. -Ballpark. 1552 01:17:06,653 --> 01:17:08,822 -Exactly. -Just north of 100,000. 1553 01:17:08,856 --> 01:17:10,325 I said exactly. Don't mess with me. 1554 01:17:10,357 --> 01:17:11,726 I know the color of your underwear. 1555 01:17:11,759 --> 01:17:15,096 The FBI know everything. 1556 01:17:15,129 --> 01:17:17,698 Suppose I could solve all of your problems 1557 01:17:17,732 --> 01:17:19,834 and mine in just a few minutes? 1558 01:17:19,866 --> 01:17:23,337 I would say thank you very much. 1559 01:17:23,370 --> 01:17:25,339 Moorhead is a bad actor. 1560 01:17:25,372 --> 01:17:27,008 For the past several years, 1561 01:17:27,040 --> 01:17:29,009 he's been transferring campaign donations 1562 01:17:29,043 --> 01:17:30,844 to a personal offshore account... 1563 01:17:30,878 --> 01:17:34,215 just over $1.8 million. 1564 01:17:34,247 --> 01:17:36,718 Whoa. Is that legal? 1565 01:17:36,750 --> 01:17:39,186 Of course it is. He's a congressman. 1566 01:17:39,219 --> 01:17:40,688 It's not. 1567 01:17:40,722 --> 01:17:43,325 Now, suppose I can transfer 1568 01:17:43,357 --> 01:17:45,159 1.2 million into your account 1569 01:17:45,192 --> 01:17:48,262 in, let's say, the next, two minutes? 1570 01:17:48,295 --> 01:17:51,332 I would say thank you very much. 1571 01:17:51,366 --> 01:17:53,368 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that legal? 1572 01:17:53,401 --> 01:17:55,704 Kind of, and kind of not. 1573 01:17:55,737 --> 01:17:58,106 Could we just do the kind of part? 1574 01:17:58,138 --> 01:18:01,976 Interested, gentlemen? It'll save all of us. 1575 01:18:02,009 --> 01:18:03,611 Well, he's gonna miss it, 1576 01:18:03,644 --> 01:18:04,912 and then he'll report us. 1577 01:18:04,946 --> 01:18:06,915 It's illegal cash. 1578 01:18:06,947 --> 01:18:08,249 If he reports it, 1579 01:18:08,281 --> 01:18:11,919 he'll be turning himself into the FBI. 1580 01:18:11,952 --> 01:18:13,888 Interested? 1581 01:18:13,920 --> 01:18:15,789 Let me explain how this works. 1582 01:18:29,003 --> 01:18:30,338 Ladies and gentlemen 1583 01:18:30,370 --> 01:18:32,239 across the United States and around the world, 1584 01:18:32,272 --> 01:18:34,241 welcome to the "selfie shootout" 1585 01:18:34,275 --> 01:18:37,077 one million dollar award ceremony. 1586 01:18:37,111 --> 01:18:39,247 And please welcome chub and bone, 1587 01:18:39,280 --> 01:18:42,784 the founders and sole judges of "selfie shootout." 1588 01:18:42,817 --> 01:18:44,419 -Hey! -Hey! 1589 01:18:44,451 --> 01:18:46,420 -What's up? -What's up? 1590 01:18:46,454 --> 01:18:49,057 Chub and bone, thank you... 1591 01:18:49,089 --> 01:18:51,392 -no! Thank you. -Yeah, you. 1592 01:18:51,425 --> 01:18:52,760 You're awesome! 1593 01:18:52,794 --> 01:18:54,396 for allowing the k-dik family 1594 01:18:54,429 --> 01:18:57,032 to broadcast what we feel is going to be 1595 01:18:57,064 --> 01:18:59,267 major breaking news around the world. 1596 01:18:59,299 --> 01:19:00,934 You make my dad very happy. 1597 01:19:00,968 --> 01:19:03,438 He loves k-dik's breaking news format. 1598 01:19:03,470 --> 01:19:05,272 Okay. Thumbs up to that! 1599 01:19:05,305 --> 01:19:07,776 And it is our pleasure 1600 01:19:07,808 --> 01:19:11,111 -to award one babe, woman... -or girl! 1601 01:19:11,144 --> 01:19:13,814 The opportunity to snap her stuff 1602 01:19:13,848 --> 01:19:17,352 -and win one million dollars! -Yeah! 1603 01:19:17,384 --> 01:19:20,821 Tonight is the biggest night in all the selfie world, 1604 01:19:20,854 --> 01:19:23,825 and we're expecting one spectacular shootout. 1605 01:19:23,857 --> 01:19:26,427 Chub and bone, any last words before our pose off 1606 01:19:26,460 --> 01:19:30,330 and we award the unbelievable one million dollar prize? 1607 01:19:30,363 --> 01:19:33,101 Bang, bang! Let's get it on! 1608 01:19:33,134 --> 01:19:35,270 Boom! What the what? 1609 01:19:35,303 --> 01:19:37,906 Yeah! 1610 01:19:39,473 --> 01:19:42,110 Okay, let the shootout begin. 1611 01:19:42,143 --> 01:19:43,945 First up is Amber. 1612 01:19:43,978 --> 01:19:45,814 There she is! 1613 01:19:45,847 --> 01:19:48,215 Yeah, look at those shoes! 1614 01:19:50,050 --> 01:19:51,820 -shoes! -They look expensive. 1615 01:19:51,853 --> 01:19:54,456 -Bang, bang. -Hey, boys. 1616 01:19:54,488 --> 01:19:57,125 Hey, what's up? Looking good! 1617 01:19:57,157 --> 01:19:59,126 The competition is just heating up. 1618 01:19:59,160 --> 01:20:01,796 Next is one of my personal favorites... 1619 01:20:01,829 --> 01:20:03,064 Tiffany! 1620 01:20:05,133 --> 01:20:06,233 -Yeah! -Okay, stop it. 1621 01:20:06,267 --> 01:20:07,235 Yeah, Tiffany! 1622 01:20:07,268 --> 01:20:09,270 -Ho! -Yes! 1623 01:20:09,303 --> 01:20:11,106 -Looking good, looking good. -Yeah. 1624 01:20:11,138 --> 01:20:14,308 Strut those legs. Get those legs, girl. 1625 01:20:14,342 --> 01:20:17,946 Snap it. Snap it, girl. Yeah. Nice. 1626 01:20:17,978 --> 01:20:20,280 Okay. I almost got that one. 1627 01:20:20,313 --> 01:20:22,950 -Yep. -Stunning, as in stun gun. 1628 01:20:22,983 --> 01:20:24,952 Ouch! I don't even know what to say 1629 01:20:24,986 --> 01:20:26,821 about that tidy performance, 1630 01:20:26,853 --> 01:20:28,322 but then I'm not the judge tonight. 1631 01:20:28,356 --> 01:20:30,358 -No, I am. -Yes, you are. 1632 01:20:30,390 --> 01:20:31,960 Fellas, you ready for number three? 1633 01:20:31,992 --> 01:20:33,294 -Yeah. -Yeah! 1634 01:20:33,326 --> 01:20:35,028 -I'm so ready! -I mean, I'm good. 1635 01:20:35,062 --> 01:20:38,166 "Selfie shootout" contest number three, please. 1636 01:20:38,198 --> 01:20:40,835 Yeah! 1637 01:20:40,867 --> 01:20:43,071 -Va-va-voom! -That's what I'm talking about! 1638 01:20:43,103 --> 01:20:44,938 -Hi, beautiful! -Nice. 1639 01:20:44,972 --> 01:20:47,442 Whoa! That's what I'm talking about. 1640 01:20:47,474 --> 01:20:49,811 -Sophisticated. -Love it! 1641 01:20:49,844 --> 01:20:51,913 Hello! 1642 01:20:51,946 --> 01:20:53,814 What? Yeah! I'm in that one! 1643 01:20:53,848 --> 01:20:56,351 -Me, too. -Ha ha! 1644 01:20:56,384 --> 01:20:59,020 It's been a really exciting shootout to the death, 1645 01:20:59,053 --> 01:21:00,287 winner take all. 1646 01:21:00,321 --> 01:21:02,524 No money for second or third place. 1647 01:21:02,557 --> 01:21:05,326 Judges, have you made a decision? 1648 01:21:05,358 --> 01:21:10,197 Former FBI agent Zoey! 1649 01:21:10,231 --> 01:21:13,501 Wow! I didn't see that coming. 1650 01:21:13,534 --> 01:21:15,170 I did! 1651 01:21:17,938 --> 01:21:21,342 Thank you! Thank you! 1652 01:21:21,375 --> 01:21:23,511 Hi, beautiful. These are for you. 1653 01:21:23,544 --> 01:21:25,180 You're so handsome. 1654 01:21:25,213 --> 01:21:26,313 Stop it. 1655 01:21:27,548 --> 01:21:29,250 That's my boy. 1656 01:21:29,282 --> 01:21:30,517 You must be very proud of him. 1657 01:21:30,550 --> 01:21:32,519 Sure am. 1658 01:21:32,553 --> 01:21:35,356 Just made a beautiful girl a millionaire, 1659 01:21:35,388 --> 01:21:39,359 and you got to bet he banked a couple million for him and bone. 1660 01:21:39,393 --> 01:21:41,196 Impressive. 1661 01:21:41,228 --> 01:21:42,896 So impressive! 1662 01:21:42,929 --> 01:21:45,365 Never thought he had it in him. 1663 01:21:45,398 --> 01:21:49,003 He does. Ronnie? 1664 01:21:49,036 --> 01:21:50,872 Yes? 1665 01:21:50,905 --> 01:21:53,174 You want to take some selfies? 1666 01:21:53,206 --> 01:21:56,945 You mean some selfie selfies? 1667 01:21:56,978 --> 01:22:00,081 Yeah. 1668 01:22:01,281 --> 01:22:02,950 All right, we got to go, guys! 1669 01:22:02,983 --> 01:22:04,251 Bye! 1670 01:22:04,285 --> 01:22:07,421 -So, hey, Amber... -No. 1671 01:22:07,455 --> 01:22:08,990 Bye, Amber. 1672 01:22:10,457 --> 01:22:14,094 Hey, Tiffany, you should have won. 1673 01:22:14,128 --> 01:22:16,097 I would have voted for you. 1674 01:22:16,129 --> 01:22:18,265 -Hey. -Hey, bang, bang! 1675 01:22:18,299 --> 01:22:20,969 Bang, bang. Bye. 1676 01:22:21,001 --> 01:22:22,236 -Hey. -Hey. 1677 01:22:22,269 --> 01:22:23,303 So now what? 1678 01:22:23,336 --> 01:22:25,406 Back to our humdrum lives? 1679 01:22:25,438 --> 01:22:27,575 I guess. 1680 01:22:27,607 --> 01:22:29,943 Where have you been the past couple days? 1681 01:22:29,977 --> 01:22:31,613 Just a phone call away. 1682 01:22:33,446 --> 01:22:35,582 God, you're beautiful. 1683 01:22:35,616 --> 01:22:36,885 Thanks. 1684 01:22:36,918 --> 01:22:38,952 I really did miss you. 1685 01:22:38,986 --> 01:22:40,255 Did you miss me? 1686 01:22:40,287 --> 01:22:42,589 Of course I did, sweetie. 1687 01:22:42,622 --> 01:22:44,125 What's this? 1688 01:22:46,294 --> 01:22:47,961 You gave me ten points? 1689 01:22:47,995 --> 01:22:49,430 You deserve it. 1690 01:22:49,463 --> 01:22:50,631 Aww. 1691 01:22:53,467 --> 01:22:57,304 Ten for Zoey. I don't get it. 1692 01:22:57,338 --> 01:22:59,474 Well, it's a long story, 1693 01:22:59,506 --> 01:23:03,311 but you're my winner. 1694 01:23:03,344 --> 01:23:07,482 You're just such a great guy. 1695 01:23:07,514 --> 01:23:10,651 So now what? Sweetie? 1696 01:23:10,684 --> 01:23:14,022 What do you want? Really want? 1697 01:23:14,054 --> 01:23:17,057 -Honestly? -Honestly. 1698 01:23:18,526 --> 01:23:20,327 I want a friend. 1699 01:23:20,361 --> 01:23:22,330 Someone I can count on, 1700 01:23:22,362 --> 01:23:24,198 -someone I can go to the... -stop. 1701 01:23:25,532 --> 01:23:29,336 But first, you naughty little man, 1702 01:23:29,370 --> 01:23:31,072 there's something you should know. 1703 01:23:38,179 --> 01:23:39,681 I'm a man. 1704 01:23:43,049 --> 01:23:49,156 Well, I'm not looking for perfection. 1705 01:23:56,597 --> 01:23:59,400 That was amazing! 1706 01:23:59,433 --> 01:24:03,403 -How liberating. -Wow. Unbelievable. 1707 01:24:03,437 --> 01:24:07,407 Why... 1708 01:24:07,441 --> 01:24:09,077 why did you do all of this? 1709 01:24:09,110 --> 01:24:10,545 -I mean, I don't... -why? 1710 01:24:10,577 --> 01:24:13,214 -Yeah. -I like you, chub. 1711 01:24:13,246 --> 01:24:14,749 You're a good soul. 1712 01:24:14,781 --> 01:24:16,717 And let's face it, 1713 01:24:16,750 --> 01:24:19,387 a girl can use an extra non-traceable million. 1714 01:24:19,420 --> 01:24:23,725 And why not take a little extra to pay off some debt? 1715 01:24:23,758 --> 01:24:26,661 I mean, why not? 1716 01:24:26,693 --> 01:24:31,398 After credit cards, you'll have an extra 20,000 or so. 1717 01:24:31,432 --> 01:24:33,735 That's not too bad. 1718 01:24:33,768 --> 01:24:38,305 So, you like... you really like me? 1719 01:24:45,245 --> 01:24:48,215 Is life great or what? 1720 01:24:52,753 --> 01:24:54,554 Yeah! 1721 01:24:54,588 --> 01:24:57,291 -Baby, you're hot. -Shut up. 1722 01:24:57,323 --> 01:24:58,625 I love it. 1723 01:24:58,659 --> 01:25:00,628 I love it! 117662

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