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♪ ♪

- Wow, that's so nice of you.

Thank you so much.

I love you back.
Thank you, Chicago.

Always one of my
favorite cities.

I'm so glad I'm doing
this here finally.

Wow. Thank you so much.

That makes me feel so great.

I've always loved this town.

Hope you're in a good mood.

We're gonna have fun tonight.
Good.

'Cause hope you're not
brooding about the election.

'Cause if you are, you're in
the wrong building here, okay?

I'm not doing that shit again.

You know what?

It could--could it be bad? Yes.

Trump could blow up
the world on the first day.

Absolutely.

He could also sit there
and eat cheeseburgers

for four years and call in

to "Fox and Friends"
every morning.

I don't know.
He's too unpredictable.

So he got
the White House again,

but he's not gonna get my mind.

[cheers and applause]

Okay?

And tonight, we are going to
celebrate progress.

America still makes a lot
of progress, you know?

It's like--

and liberals are bad
at celebrating progress.

You'd think they'd want to.

Progressive--it's in the name.

It's the product
you're selling.

[laughter]

But, you know, it interferes
with virtue signaling.

And you're always safe to say--
[one person laughs]

Thank you, one guy.

[laughter]

[laughs]

You're always safe to say,
there's work to be done.

Well, yes, always.
We're humans on Earth.

There's always work to be done.

But we've also made a lot of
progress in a lot of areas.

I mean,
take something like pot.

I know I will.

The fact that I can
travel this country now

without sweating bullets
like I did for years and years,

worrying that the fucking dog
at the airport

was gonna knock me out
because he found a roach

in my shaving kit or something.

I swear to God, for years,
this is how I traveled.

I took this much pot, and I
put it in Kleenex in a ball

and hid it under my nuts.

I swear to God, I did that.

I smoked my own ball sweat for,
like, 30 years on the road,

and now I don't have to.

Progress.

I remember the first time

I went to a legal dispensary,
after so many years

of being furtive
about this shit,

I was, like,
literally emotional.

Really.

I remember saying to
the guy, thank you.

Thank you for
opening this place

and making me feel
like a free citizen

whose participation
in our hallowed democracy

is now more complete.

And he said, sir,
this is a Baskin-Robbins.

So that's where
the story breaks down, but--

but look, Kamala Harris
was bad on pot,

put thousands of people
in jail, and then changed.

Am I mad at her? No.

That's progress.
That's how it happens.

Obama was against gay marriage
his whole first term.

Am I mad at him? No.

That's how progress happens.

You know?
But the--

the social justice warriors
have this idea in their head

that, you know, people who
lived 500 years ago really

should have known better.

Yeah, like you would
have, you know.

George Washington had slaves.

Yeah, so did
everybody back then,

including people of color

in other parts of the world.
[scattered applause]

We're not applauding
slavery, are we?

This is not an applause thing.

It's just
a factual history thing.

But--

but it's just something
everybody did.

The Greeks did it,
the Romans, the Egyptians,

the Arabs, the British,
all the way up to P. Diddy.

What? We're in Chicago.

We can talk freely.

So there's always
work to be done.

I mean, pick up a newspaper.

You know, it's just
a journal of work to be done.

It's not mostly good news.

I was reading something
the other day.

This is very random, but okay.

Like, North Carolina
last year--

this is last year--

Changed the law of when
you could eligibly marry.

It was 14.

And now it's 16,
which I still--

I'm not kidding.

They raised it from 14 to 16,
which is still too young.

16--a lot of these kids
haven't even

started transitioning yet.

What?

Can't we give them time

to be kids and do the things
kids have always done,

like get read to
by drag queens?

Just normal.

No--and we love drag.

Drag queens, yes, okay.

Good.

Now we know
we're the good people.

We're good people.
We like drag queens.

We're good people.
Okay, but can we now get real?

Because I have--
this whole thing, I feel like,

is much more for the adults
than it is for the kids,

not that I think that
the kids are really hurt by it.

But do we really need
to be loud and proud

with five-year-olds?

You know, I think
there's plenty of time

for them to learn about
drag queens and dildos

and why Daddy has two phones.

I mean, is it really
so hard in this country

just to not be exotic?

Really?

Where are my unexciting people?

Where are they?

How about a hand for
the run-of-the-mill?

What about for the unremarkable
of us in the world, you know?

And I want everybody
at my shows.

I think we have to learn
to sit together.

I want everything
from the spectrum.

I want from super woke
to QAnon in this crowd.

What? No QAnon people?

I love the QAnon people.

The QAnon people,

they think that
Democrats eat babies

and that they're pedophiles.

And I don't think
you can do both.

I don't know.

I mean, if you're a pedophile
who eats babies,

who are you gonna fuck
in five years?

Come on.

Get it out of there.

No, the QAnon people think
that Hillary Clinton ran

a pedophile ring out of a--
you know this--

out of a pizza parlor
in Washington D.C.

They believe in Jewish space
lasers, whatever that is.

They think a lot of the world's
elite are lizard people.

Lizard people.

Yeah, like George Bush
was one, and Queen Elizabeth.

You know, you see them out.
They look normal.

But, you know, you--
sometimes you catch them.

No wonder they put chips in the
vaccine to track these people.

I mean, come on.

I'm kidding.

They didn't do that.

But, uh--oh, speaking
of that, I must say,

what a pleasure it is,
after two years, of having

to hear laughs through masks--
[muffled laughter]

Bad for comedy--

to now see these
beautiful faces.

And if you're--

and if you're--you know what?

If you still have a mask,
I completely respect that.

I think you're a fucking idiot,
but I completely respect it.

Well, I mean, unless you
have some serious condition.

And then why are you out?

You know?

It's like, if you're
a hemophiliac,

don't go to Benihana, okay?

'Cause I'm not doing it again,
the whole pandemic thing,

unless it's bubonic plague.

And then I'll fight you
for the vaccine.

But, I mean, not again.

I mean, the whole thing
was so surreal,

the way we went mental
for two years.

And then just suddenly, boom,
just right back to--mm.

It was like--it was like,
boy, I had a weird dream.

I mean, we were eating dinner
in the parking lot.

I--

Sorry.

And I went to
Cirque Du Soleil in Vegas,

like, less than a year ago.

And you've been
to Cirque Du Soleil, right?

There's little people
flying all--

[scattered applause]

Well, we don't need to
give them a hand here.

It's not--it's not really
about them, this bit.

[laughs] But there was--
you know,

there was little people
flying all over the stage.

They're 100 feet
in the air, no net.

Two of them had masks on,
I swear to God.

Because you wouldn't wanna
do anything dangerous,

ladies and gentlemen.
That's--

[laughs] And that's my
thing about, you know,

who has the mask.
It's Gen Z.

It's like, who do I see
walking outside

alone with the mask on?

What a bunch of pussies
that generation is.

You know what?

Kids, you're young.

Roll the dice.

You're 22.

It's actually hard to die.

I tried.

But, you know, you do you.

Just know that, you know,
the medical community,

I respect them,
but they get a lot wrong.

I seem to remember
about six months

when I was washing the mail.

Do you remember that?

Like every package
was a stool sample

from Chernobyl or something.

What the?

I mean, they just
get a lot wrong.

Not just with this.

There's hundreds
of prescription drugs

that we all took,
or a lot of us.

And then over the years,
they pulled them off the market

because they said they
were safe and effective

and then found out they
weren't safe or effective--

or trans fats,

which are fats
that hate Dave Chappelle.

- Ooh.

- What?

No.

Trans fats are the ones they
were telling us to eat

15 years ago,
and now they're illegal.

And by the way, let's back up
to that "ooh" 'cause--

let me make this clear, okay?

I'm very supportive
of the trans community.

I'm also super supportive
of free speech.

And I love anybody

who won't let the mob tell them

what to say about anything.

People say to me--
[chuckles]

People say to me, you know,
Bill, you make fun of the left

more than you used to.

Yeah, fuck right I do.

And part of it is
because that's free speech.

I take it a little personally.

You know, free speech
used to be a liberal thing.

But then they got it
in their head

that getting their
feelings hurt

was more important than
the First Amendment.

They do this all the time.

They do something nutty,

and then they blame me
for noticing.

And say, oh,
you're a Republican now.

I'm not a Republican,
and I never have been.

So let's get that shit
off the table.

I'm not a Republican
for all the reasons

I never have been before.

They're too religious.

They're fiscal hypocrites who
absolutely hate it when America

spends money it doesn't have,
except when they're in office,

and then it's always
perfectly okay.

Um.

They're in denial about racism,
which is still a thing.

They think climate change
is a hoax

and the weather girl's
tits are real.

And they're always blaming
the underprivileged

when they should be blaming
the overprivileged.

And then they--

They added to that
shitty mix tape.

They don't believe
in democracy anymore,

and have a new policy--

elections only count
when we win.

So they have a comfortable lead
in being the bigger threat.

But I don't hold my tongue
for anybody.

You know,
for the two years when

I was trying to get
Biden to step down,

I kept referring to him
as Ruth Bader Biden.

Kind of true, wasn't it?

And, you know, people
would--when people were about,

people would
say to me, oh, Bill,

stop making fun of Biden's age.

You're gonna help Trump.

Right, like no one would
have noticed otherwise.

I--

yeah, I the cat out of
the bag about Biden's age.

No, I'm a noticer.

That's what I do.

It's what I'm supposed to do.

So if I notice all the
oversensitivity on the left

and the victim culture
and the cancel culture

and the overemphasis
on identity politics

and the pointless
white self-loathing

that goes on, ugh.

Don't tell me
the left hasn't changed.

I'm old enough to remember
when it was the conservatives

who hated the Jews.

[laughs exaggeratedly]

So you can threaten me
with every label you want.

I don't bend the knee.

If you do something goofy,
I'm gonna call you out

no matter where you are
on the spectrum.

I speak to a different
group of people

who are not ideologically
captured by either side.

- Fuck yeah!

- Democrats, independents,

and non-drooling Republicans--

that's my constituency.

People that are just
tired of the extremes,

as I am, tired of the extremes
and the extremists

who control the debate,
but who don't

represent close to a majority.

I'm tired of the hating
and the haters.

I don't hate half America,

and I don't wanna hate
half America.

- That's right!

- And I'll tell you
something about America.

It's complicated,
more complicated

than people give credit.

Like, there are country music
stars now with face tattoos.

The governor of Kansas
is a woman,

and California has never
had a woman governor.

Okay, it's a little
complicated.

We have a new vice president,
JD Vance,

who wrote a book about
being a hillbilly

called "Hillbilly Elegy."

And in it, he says,
when he was eight years old,

he lived with his grandma,
who was born in 1933

in Kentucky
and had 19 shotguns.

Okay. [laughs]

And he says to her,
I think I'm gay,

which I completely related
to because when I was

eight years old, well,
they hadn't invented

homosexuality, but--

but I knew what it was like
to only like boys

'cause girls have cooties
when you're eight.

So he goes to his grandmother,
and he says, Grandma, am I gay?

And she says--this is
word for word in the book--

she says, JD,
do you wanna suck dicks?

[laughs]

And he says, no, I don't.

And she says, well,
then you're not gay.

But even if you did
wanna suck dicks,

God would still love you.

Okay, well, you know what?

If JD Vance's
cocksucker-loving grandma

can be that open-minded,
maybe there's hope

that we're better
than we think.

But I am not looking
forward to Trump 2

because I already
did all the jokes.

And there's just--with him,
there's too much material.

You know, usually,
with a president,

there's, like, one thing
that we all latch onto.

You know, Bush was stupid,
and Clinton was horny, and--

but this guy is everything.

You know, he's stupid,
and he's horny, and he's crazy,

and he's fat, and he's hot
for his daughter, and he

has a mushroom dick,
according to--

[laughs] A mushroom dick?

Really?

Well, that's what
Stormy Daniels said.

And she hints that
there is a sex tape

and that we could actually
get to see Trump's penis.

[audience groans]

And you can tell
it's Trump's penis because it

has a big sign on the top--

"Trump penis."

And also,
it's in Sean Hannity's mouth.

That's the other way
you put it.

Gentle, good humor.

That's what we do here--
gentle, good humor.

Well, you gotta
give Trump this.

I mean, the skill
at performance art.

Remember that day
he had his ear pierced?

[laughs]

And by the way, if you think
there's only

conspiracy theorists
on the right, I can't tell you

how many people came up to me
around that time.

Bill, don't you think
that assassination

attempt was staged?

Staged?

Walk me through
how you could stage

a bullet hitting just the tip
of your ear from 500 feet away.

Yeah, shoot at my head.

I trust you.

But just graze me.

Just--it's a new shirt.

I don't wanna get
a lot--you know.

And who to perform
this incredible feat

of marksmanship?

McLovin' from the movie
"Superbad."

So--

And you have to admit
that a shot was fired

because there was a guy
behind Trump, right,

who got hit and died.

By the way, that is so
on-brand for Donald Trump,

that he gets shot at
and another guy dies.

He's--isn't it?

I mean, he's Jesus in reverse.

Other people die for his sins.

But--[laughs]

But as soon as it happened,
the Republicans, I mean,

immediately,
they had the narrative.

God--God did it!

I mean, the blood had not
dried on his foundation...

When they were--[laughs]

Divine intervention.
He is risen.

And I kept asking, what about
the other guy who got shot?

What does God say about him?

Yeah, shit happens.
I can't be everywhere.

I mean, that's always been my
thing about religion, really.

You know, just too easy.

Too easy, you know.

It's because people
want to believe so badly

that you don't really
have to make a big effort.

I mean, what do you
have to be to just start

a religion, to be a prophet?

Just some guy--
and I do mean guy,

'cause it is kind of a sausage
party, the prophet business.

But just some guy who was
out in the middle of nowhere,

you know, in the mountains or
up on a hill or in a desert,

and come running into town--

hey, everybody.

You'll never guess
who talked to me

when there was nobody around,
darn the luck--

God!
Yeah, can you believe it? God.

And he said he's
starting a new religion,

and he wants me,
a complete loser

with nothing going on
in my life,

to be his infallible wingman
here on Earth.

Isn't that awesome?

So I took a few notes, okay?

Number one,
just do whatever I say.

That's, like, super key.

And, uh, oh, yeah, I'm gonna
have to be fucking a lot

of the women in the compound.

That's just directly from him.

I would not have it that way.

But, you know, religion,
it's not

exactly selling consistency.

It's not even really
selling morality.

What is it selling?

Peace of mind.

That's what it's selling.

I know this because I know
many religious people,

and they all say the
same thing, which is,

when I put my head
on the pillow at night,

I know if I die in my sleep,
I will go to a better place,

to which I always say,
then why don't you

hang yourself tomorrow?

I--

no, I'm trying to help.

You said a better place.

I--I have some rope in my car.

We could do this tonight.

But--[laughs]

When people ask the question,
what happens when I die,

they don't wanna hear,
"Uh-uh-uh.

Uh, something, nothing."

No, they wanna hear, mm--
[chuckles]

They wanna hear,
we have a post-life package

that I think you're gonna find
very exciting, because--

'cause that
is what they are selling.

I mean, that's--and that's
actually what they're competing

with each other for.

They have to come up
with a great heaven--

version of heaven.

Like, I was raised Catholic.

I was told, one man dies
for all of your sins,

which is really picking up
the check for the whole table.

I--
that is a gentleman.

Um, Mormons?

Mormons believe that if you
have a good marriage here

on Earth, in the afterlife,
you and your wife

get to rule over
your own planet.

That is a nice perk, is it not?

I--

let me see that brochure.

I'm gonna look at this
very carefully.

I love the Muslims.

They go right to,
you get pussy.

What do you think about that?

Pussy, pussy, pussy everywhere.

Hmm, well, that brochure--

although I suppose if I
ruled over my own planet,

I get all the pussy I want.

Oh, wait.

The old ball and chain
will be with me.

Give me the Muslim one again.

But I mean, you know,
religion and politics,

very similar in that way,
that it's a lot about promises

that they can never keep.

But people just wanna believe.

I mean, anytime Trump--you see
him in front of one of his

rallies, he's always got
a giant banner behind him

that says "Promises kept."

To who?

The asbestos industry?

Who did this guy ever
keep a promise to?

You know, I mean, the health
care--remember that thing?

He was--amazing,
something terrific.

And he didn't even come up
with concepts of a plan,

not even concepts of a plan.

He is the typical
overpromising con man.

He's the guy who
says to the woman,

I am gonna give you
the best orgasm you ever had,

and then comes
putting on the condom.

You know that guy?

That's--this is--

I mean, even his wall,
that big stupid thing

he was gonna build, is he
couldn't even build the wall

to stop Mexicans from coming
here and taking your jobs,

the stupidest political premise
I've ever heard,

and I've been hearing it
my whole life.

Like you people
would pick crops.

Right. Oh, no, I get it.
I get it.

I get it.
Because you know what?

Sometimes, I take the drive up

from LA to San Francisco,
and...

[sighs] You pass mile
after mile of lettuce fields.

And I'm just burning up
in the car.

God damn, these bastards
have it all locked up!

I wanted to get in
on that in there.

I wanted my kids to get
into the lettuce field,

and they can't do it.

I mean, the panic
that goes through Fox News

whenever there's a caravan--
ah!

A caravan of brown walkers

heading north
to take your jobs.

"Take your jobs."

Have you ever seen
who's in the caravan?

Let me tell you,
if an 11-year-old Honduran boy

can take your job,

you made vocational choices
a long time ago

that I think have a lot more
to do with this.

And I have so much more
respect for that Honduran kid

than I do for American kids who
can't make it to the mailbox

without an EpiPen
and a GPS tracking device.

I mean, middle-class
Americans should

be so grateful
to immigrants because,

like, middle-class people have
things that, when I was a kid,

nobody had except
the rich--maids,

nannies, housekeepers,
landscapers, gardeners.

These things didn't exist
when I was a child.

Are you kidding?

The idea that my father
would have help?

Yeah, he had help--me.

Me.

A fabulous family
of Mexicans I was.

I could do it all.

[laughs] But--

- Love you, Bill!

- I love you too.

That's an odd time to declare
your love, but I appreciate it.

Well, here's a question
for Democrats.

Why does Trump
keep doing better

each time with immigrants?

That's pretty amazing.
And I think I know why.

It's because liberals
don't really look like

they like America,
and immigrants don't like

the relentless negativity
about a country

they worked so hard to get to.

You know, they're--

they're not obsessed with
what happened 400 years ago,

and they don't see
this country only

through shit-stained glasses.

Ask them why they came here,
and they will tell you,

Ron DeSantis put them
on a plane, but--

also the other stuff.

[laughs]

No, I feel like we're raising
a bunch of ahistorical,

America-hating hysterics
in this country.

And you know, whenever I talk
to my friends who have kids

in their 20s or their teens,
they're always bitching to me

about how their kids are
driving them crazy

with their out-of-control
wokeness and everything is,

"That's old thinking, Mom.

You don't get it, Mom."
You don't get it.

Get what?

Defund the police?

Tear down statues of Lincoln?

Give communism another try?

Get rid of the Border Patrol?

Get rid of capitalism?

You can be healthy
at any weight?

It's cool to have penises

in women's shelters
and women's prisons?

No, I don't get it.

Not 'cause I'm old,
because your ideas are stupid.

That's what I don't get.

Just 'cause they're new,
it doesn't make them better!

New isn't automatically better!

I could come in tomorrow
and go, hey,

from now on,
let's eat in the bathroom

and shit in the kitchen.

It's new.

And this is one of the problems

I think we have
in this country.

Nobody ever gets canceled
for being too woke.

That's how you get things
like, men can get pregnant.

And everybody's like,
uh, yeah, absolutely.

I've always said that.

Of course.

I saw a dude today glowing.

[sighs]

And I think a lot of people are
just tired of having to pretend

that things that
are crazy aren't,

tired of being bullied
by the most

unfun people in the country,

tired of walking around
on eggshells

because of the hyper fragile
and the oversensitive.

These people--

[chuckles]

These people who have
such a sense of entitlement

about never having to feel
a moment of discomfort

from encountering a thought
they don't already have

or a joke they don't like.

Fuck off, you fucks.

Fuck you.

Eloquent, huh?

[chuckles]

Oh, and the--is there
anything more cringeworthy

than the apologies that we have
to listen to from people

so often that, you know,
sound like they're right out of

a Soviet reeducation camp,
where you--

you thank your accusers.

Thank you.

Thank you for the
opportunity to learn

what a repulsive shitbag I am.

And I will try to do better.

Oh, fuck off.

It was a Halloween costume.

Nobody died, okay?

I mean, so much of this
is just posing, you know?

Liberalism isn't about lifting.
This is posing.

Do you ever see
when they do one

of those land acknowledgments?

Have you ever seen that?

Okay, when they're about to,
like, put in a mini mall

or whatever the fuck
they're gonna do anyway,

they have a little ceremony

so they can tell you how bad
they feel about it first.

We are standing on land
that rightfully belongs

to the proud Chumash people.

Okay, either give it back or
shut the fuck up, all right?

Come on.

Like you'd really
rather have a teepee there

than your Starbucks.

And I know when people hear the
word "woke," it triggers them.

And I understand that,
because it

started out as a great thing--

alert to injustice.

We're all for that.

But words migrate.

I can't control that.

And now, like so many things,
it's been taken over

by stupid white people.

- Whoo!

- And there--and there's
not one right there,

not a stupid white person.

There's one of the good ones.

[laughs]

And it's just about
catching people.

You know,
a couple of years ago,

they went after Dr. Seuss.

Yes, that Dr. Seuss,

author of "Green Eggs and Ham"
and other controversial works.

Why?

Because when he was
drawing in the 1930s,

he drew Chinese people
with pigtails,

possibly because, in the 1930s,
Chinese people wore pigtails.

So I would say, if you're
gonna be a cartoonist--

a little advice--if you're
gonna draw anybody ethnic,

I would be very careful.

Like if you're drawing
a--a Jewish person,

I would make that nose
very small,

very small,
like "Michael Jackson after

the third operation" small--

just a Jew dot right
in the middle of the face.

But you know, why are pigtails
racist to begin with?

They're not, is the point.

These people just
like to bitch.

They just like to find
something to bitch about.

Bitches and snitches--
that's what this country is.

You know, I said
a little while ago

about little people, remember?

Okay, so little people,
that's what

you're supposed to say now.

Midget--bad, bad word.

To me, this makes
so much more sense

if it had happened in reverse.

If we had been saying
little people,

then they would have went,
oh, for God's sake, Bill,

use a proper term like midget.

Jesus Christ.

You don't call them
little people.

They're not toys.

What's wrong with you?

Midget.

And then somebody
would have come along.

No, no, they're the wee.

We call them the wee now.

No, they're people
experiencing weeness, is the--

[laughs]

I mean, I feel people--

I think people think
that wokeism is somehow

an extension of liberalism, but
more often, it's the opposite.

Let me give you
10 million examples.

Homeless--you're not supposed
to say that word anymore.

It's people experiencing
homelessness.

I don't think
that goes far enough.

I think we should call them
wonderful, well-meaning people

who, through no fault
of their own,

are taking a dump
on my driveway.

That, I believe, is the term
we should be looking for.

But you know, I have
a little insight into this.

I used to participate
in this show

for my beloved, wonderful HBO
called "Comic Relief."

Remember "Comic Relief" with
Whoopi and Billy and Robin?

Okay.

All right, well,
we're good liberals.

We thought we were do--
the compassionate view was,

get the homeless
off the street.

That's not the woke view.

Their view of the homeless is,

they're an endangered species
that needs to be protected

in their natural habitat--

living their best life
under a bridge.

Liberalism is
about fixing things.

Woke is about, you know--
a lot of it is just renaming.

Colleges, every year,
many, many colleges,

put out lists of words
and phrases we are not supposed

to say anymore,
really dangerous stuff

like "master bedroom."

You know, "white paper,"
"blacklist."

"Insane" is on the list.

I'd say that's insane,
but it's on the list.

And it pisses me off
because, you know,

it's bad enough they
took away the R-word,

which is so desperately needed
because this country is so R.

You're not supposed
to say "reservation."

I guess that's offensive
to Indians.

What are you supposed to say
when you go out to dinner?

Um--[laughs]

Hi, we have, um--we're
supposed to eat here.

[laughs]

And you know, somewhere along
here is where somebody says,

oh, Bill, it's so easy
to pick on the fringe.

It is, but it's not
the fringe anymore.

It really isn't.

The "Washington Post"
isn't the fringe.

Listen to this.

Okay, so you know
MrBeast, the YouTuber?

He puts on these amazing
stunts, very often for charity.

And he did one last year called

"Cured 1,000 people
of disability."

Paid for a tent.
All these doctors come in.

They restored eyesight
to 1,000 people.

Good thing, right?

Wrong!

The "Washington Post" guy said,
what needs curing

is society's view
of the disabled.

And BuzzFeed agreed.

They said, MrBeast
seems to regard disability

as something that needs
to be solved.

Okay, people.

Do you see what I'm talking
about with the crazy?

Please!

Is anyone else seeing this?

Yes? Thank you.

Thank you, Jesus.

Let me tell you something, folks.

If I have a disability,
do something.

Fix me.
I won't be insulted, okay?

Do what you have to do.

Steal stem cells from a frog.

AI--I don't know--
harvest organs.

Whatever the fuck
you have to do.

But don't sit around and talk
about how awesome I am

and how I'm just as good
as you despite whatever

fucked up thing I have.

Fix me.

Like it's cooler
to be differently abled.

Huh.

Yeah.

Who wants to be like
Mr. Mainstream over there

with all his limbs?

Ugh.

But I could do this all day,

proving that it's not
just fringe.

But let's just do one more.

"Scientific American"--

can't get much more mainstream
than that.

"Scientific American" now
believes that the only reason

the Los Angeles Lakers would
reliably crush any WNBA team

is because of societal bias,
and "The Atlantic" agrees.

"The Atlantic"
put out a cover story

last year called
"Separating Sports

by Sex Doesn't Make Sense."

Um, yes, it fucking does.

It makes perfect sense.

[chuckles]

I mean, they actually
wrote the sentence,

"Maintaining the binary in
sports reinforces the idea"--

the idea, this is, the idea--

"that men are bigger, stronger,
and faster than women,

a notion that's been disputed
by scientists for years."

It has? Where?

The New England Journal
of What the Fuck?

It hasn't been
challenged anywhere.

And it's not just an idea
that men are bigger, stronger,

and faster than women.

And this is the root
of the problem,

that you can't--
we spoil the kids so much,

they think
you can change reality

just by screaming at it.

We raised kids wrong, like
they're just shorter adults--

always blowing smoke
up their little asses

and calling them tiny geniuses,
telling them their thoughts

are just as valid
as the adults.

They're not. They're children.

They're stupid, like dogs.

And--[chuckles]

And, you know-- [laughs]

And you could say,
oh, Bill, you don't have kids.

How would you know?

Because I'm in people's houses

that do sometimes,
and I see this all the time.

Kids as young as ten
will invite themselves

into the adult conversations,
and no one stops it.

I mean, if I ever did this--

I remember my parents in the
living room with their friends.

If I ever just walked in--

I've had some thoughts
about the Vietnam War

that I think everyone--

Get the fuck out of here.

So we raise them wrong.
[laughs]

Then we send them
to these asshole factories

called elite universities.

Really?

Let me tell you,
if ignorance was a disease,

Harvard Yard would be
the Wuhan wet market.

And then the kids get out,
and they're like,

there's no good jobs.

Yeah, because you
majored in queer poetry

of the Asian diaspora.

Of course, there's no jobs.

You went to a four-year
daycare center

for the cry bullies
of the privileged

to complain about privilege.

That is, when you
weren't protesting

for terrorist organizations.

Really?

Really? Marching for Hamas?

It's like rooting
for the planes on 9/11.

[soft laughter]

I said that's like rooting
for the planes on 9--

[wild cheering and applause]

I know you--I knew
you'd agree with it

if you just gave it a minute.

I know it's kind of
shocking at first.

But hey, kids,
I have a great idea for you.

Since you love Hamas
and Hezbollah so much,

why don't you, next year,
take your gap year in Iran?

Uh--no, no,
you're gonna dig it.

You will dig it.

Make sure to bring your
Queers for Palestine t-shirt.

They're very popular
over there.

And if you see the Ayatollah,
tell him your pronouns.

He loves that.

And you wonder why the left
catches more jokes from me?

They changed, not me.

Okay?

Things changed.

Just in five years,
things changed a lot.

Five years ago,
penises meant something.

Now, it's like, congratulations.

You had a boy.

Well, let's not be hasty.

What, the penis?

Oh, come on, that's not really
relevant anymore, is it?

It's a small factor, but I--

I--I thought it was, like,
a sixth toe at this point,

just a useless
vestigial appendage.

I mean, I understand now,
when they circumcise,

they very often lop the whole
thing off and just save us time

later when it becomes toxic.

And they are kind
of cavalier, are they not,

about gender reassignment,

and make it sound like
so simple and easy.

Cut one off, snap one on.
I mean--

no, it's not.

It's a major
medical intervention

that's going to affect
your health

for the rest of your life.

We just gloss over this.

You know that when
they give you a penis

you're not born with--

I'm not mocking this
or making fun of it.

But they literally--they cut
the flesh out of your thigh,

and forevermore,
you have a dick-shaped scar.

[laughs]
Again, I'm not mocking it.

Maybe it's a selling point
in some places, but--

I mean, with so many people
doing this,

isn't there some better way,
some sort of exchange?

Have a penis? Give a penis.

Need a penis? Take a penis.

I mean, there have to be
solutions, people.

But again, you know, liberals

understand and appreciate
and love the fact that

there are variations
in human sexuality.

And it's great
we live in a time

when trans people can be
respected and protected

as they should be.

But some of this is
also just trendy.

Some of this is a TikTok
challenge that got out of hand.

And we are the only country
who does it the way we do now.

All the other liberal
countries in the world,

they pulled back because
they went with common sense

and said, you know what?

Kids are--you know,
go through phases.

Childhood is all phases.

What, the Hello Kitty phase,
the dinosaur phase.

One minute, you can't
get them out of the room.

The next minute,
they wanna be an astronaut.

If kids knew what they
wanted to be at five,

the world would be full
of cowboys and princesses.

I wanted to be a pirate.

Thank God they didn't
take me seriously

and scheduled me for eye
removal and peg leg surgery.

All right, one more thing
about this, and then I'll

go back to making
fun of Republicans, but--

But it's interesting.

When I was traveling this year,
'cause it's an election year,

in many states--
red states, blue states--

I saw all the ads
the congressional people

have up there,
and it's interesting.

The Democrat ads, not one
of them ever uses the word

"liberal," because
it's got so mixed up

with woke bullshit that
they're embarrassed by it.

But the Republicans cannot say
the word "conservative" enough.

It's a "Conservative Brad
Gunsberg is a conservative

"for conservative Pennsylvania.

"Brad Gunsberg will
kill criminals

"and bomb Mexico and tear
the dress off your son.

"Brad Gunsberg, conservative,

"will legalize horse fighting
and turn electric cars

"into electric chairs.

Brad Gunsberg is
a conservative."

And those aren't even
the scary Republican ads.

No, I've been to states where
they don't even mention policy.

It's just a guy with a gun

shooting at some shit
he don't like

in a truck.

Gun, truck, truck, gun.

Me like these things you like.

Vote me!

Really, it's on that level,
it's--

oh, it's amazing what
Republicans like these days.

I would never have guessed.

Russia?

They like Russia?

Fox News loves Russia.

Wow, that's a big one.

And you know, we know a lot now

about the typical
Fox News viewer.

Their average age is
between 65 and decomposing.

They are overwhelmingly white.

They feel very cheated.

And they think of themselves
as very patriotic.

Well, let me stop you
right there.

If you think what
happened on January 6th,

attacking the U.S. Capitol
to overturn

a free and fair election
is an act of patriotism,

you're in a bigger bubble
than the one I just

described on the left, okay?

I'm no constitutional scholar.

But I don't think it says,
in case of loss,

install your guy anyway.

So yes, I'll say it again.

The left is infuriating with
their aggressively

anti-common sense agenda,
but that can be handled

through normal legislative
means and elections.

But what the right is doing--

not conceding elections--
no, when that's gone,

it's gone forever.

It's like virginity.
And then you're a whore.

Is that what
you wanna be, America?

A whore?

[chuckles]
Don't answer that.

And you know, people
say to me, well,

but, Bill, the system held.

No, it didn't really.

The only reason we had
a smooth transition

is that the one party
in this country that

still concedes elections lost.

That's the only reason
it was smooth.

So the system
didn't really hold,

and the system still sucks.

I mean, the electoral college?

It's the only thing worse
than regular college.

I mean, if Thomas Jefferson
was alive,

he would have two questions.

One, Hamilton gets
a musical before me?

And two, we're still using
that thing from 1787?

I mean, I live in California
with 40 million people,

and we get two senators,

and the Dakota territory
gets four.

Why are there two Dakotas?

Why is there one?

There are more people
in California named Dakota.

Not that California is not
an insane state, because it is.

Oh, it is.

I once tried
to cut down a tree.

I had 100 like it
in my backyard.

Can't do that in California.

I had to clear it
with the city, the state,

the Environmental Review Board,

the Fish and Game people,
the Parks Department,

the UN Security Council,

and the 11 Berkeley students

who are now living
in the tree...

And won't come down until
I admit it has a soul.

And look, I wanna
be a good environmentalist.

I have tried.

I think the best thing
I ever did for the cause was,

I never spawned.

No, not--
this is not knocking kids.

Kids are wonderful
and important.

They assembled my phone,
but, um--

Well, come on, let's be honest.

Everybody hates kids
these days.

I mean, how can you not?

They're feral! They are.

They're obnoxious,
undisciplined,

completely out of control.

I'm convinced this is why
anal is so popular these days.

No, really.

Because, you know,
condoms break, pills can fail,

but no sperm ever made it

out of the shit chute alive,
you know?

It's a real selling point
if you don't want kids.

And--[laughs]

But, you know,
the abortion thing?

Look, I personally
am pro-choice,

but, you know,
I'd like to stand up a little

for the pro-life people

because they always get
accused of, you hate women.

You're just--
they don't hate women.

You just made that up.

They don't hate women.

They think it's murder.

And it kind of is.

I'm just okay with that.

Sorry, unborn.

There's 8 billion
of us here already.

[laughs]
We won't miss you.

What can I say? How could we?

We never met you.
And you never met us.

How could you miss us?
This is not a tragedy.

Oh, Bill.
All life is precious.

Really? You know?

I mean, I--[scoffs] Harvey
Weinstein, Jeff Dahmer, Hitler.

I could name people, you know?

Remember Jeffrey Epstein?

And he hung himself
in his jail cell,

and there was this big debate.

Did he really hang
himself in his jail cell,

or was he killed in there
to keep his mouth shut?

But nobody went,
what a shame about Jeff.

I--I heard about it.

I was sick all day.
I--

And by the way, it was
neither one of those things.

He was a child molester.

Whenever a child molester
goes to prison,

the other prisoners always
kill the child molesters.

I love this about prisoners.
I do.

I gotta say, I find this
so adorable, so charming

that they have standards!

You, sir, are not welcome
in this establishment.

I've discussed it with the
other hatchet murderers,

rapists, thieves, cannibals,
and serial killers,

and members of the co-op board
and--

You do not represent
our core values.

So you will have--

But I mean, the abortion thing,
a lot of that, come on,

comes from religion.

And I'm not anti-religion.

- Ha!
[audience oohing]

- Oh, wait, you're right.
I am.

I am very anti. You're right.

You got me. You got me.

I was thinking
of somebody else.

That is me. Very anti-religion.

[laughs] Okay.

[laughs] All right.

[laughs]

You got me.

I'm anti-religion,
but I'm fair about it,

because I concede that
religion does some good.

I mean, it keeps
some people in line.

It absolutely does.

It makes other people fly
planes into a building.

So we'll call that one
a push, okay?

But no.

But it, uh--charity work,
very important.

Circumcision, I'm a huge fan.

Couldn't live in a world
without circumcision

'cause I watch porn.

And how can you
look at that thing,

let alone put it in your mouth,
for Christ's sake?

And if you have one,
I'm just kidding.

[laughs] I'm just kidding.

Not really.
Cut that shit off.

It's the 21st century.

You're grossing
everybody out, Christ.

But I'll tell you something
interesting about that.

If you get to a certain age
and you haven't completely

fallen apart,
people will say to you,

as they sometimes say
to me, you look good.

Did you ever have
plastic surgery?

And I always tell them
the truth, which is no,

no judgment, just not for me.

And then I remember,
wait, you know what?

When I was one day old, um...

I--I did have some work
done on my dick.

That's right.

I--I was very
conflicted about it.

Will it make me...
[laughs]

Not seem authentic?

But I'm glad I did it.

But regular plastic surgery?

I don't understand that.

Has no one noticed that
they haven't perfected this,

that they really
don't know how to do it?

Now you look old and weird.

How is that better
than just old?

Someone has to
explain this to me.

And it puts a tremendous burden
on the people

who have to encounter you
after you've had it done.

I've had this happen many
times, where you see somebody,

and you go through, like, three
permutations in one second.

First, it's...

Who are you?

And then it's...

Oh, my God, it's you.

Right into, you look great!

Boy, I tell you,
you look great.

I don't know what
you did to yourself.

Oh, I know what you
did to yourself.

But I tell you, I'm gonna be,
on my next birthday,

69, which, when you're--

oh, oh.

I never understand
what that applause is.

Hey, you're alive.
You're not dead.

Whoopee.

Okay, but it's funny.

When that is the number
you tell people,

they all do the same thing.

Elbow in the ribs--ah, 69!

As if anybody ever did this.

It's the--it's the Myspace
of sex positions.

It is the Betamax
of fucking, right?

I mean, nobody can do--

everybody thinks
they can multitask.

They can't. I tried it.

I couldn't do it.

Are you kidding?

You know that thing they say--
well, women say--that you're

supposed to like, do the
alphabet with your tongue

when you're going down on them?

Who can remember the alphabet
when you're

getting your dick sucked?

I was like--

A--[laughs]

F, fa la la,
you know, Shohei Ohtani.

I started mixing it up
with the baseball players

I was thinking about
to stop from coming.

I mean, it was just--

[laughs]

But can I ask a question
just of the women

about that thing with when
the guy is doing the alphabet?

Um, can you tell
what letter we're on?

Because I--I would
really love to know that.

I--[laughs]

And a follow-up question,
does it have

to be the English alphabet?

Because I think you're missing
a big trick with Chinese.

It's 2,000 letters
and a lot of curlicues

and the roof of the pagoda.

And, you know, I can
see a guy with a carton

from the takeout
place trying to

get it just right.

[sighs] But let me just say--

let me go back
for one second to kids,

because I've said a lot of
bad things about the kids,

and I just--

I just wanna say one thing
from the bottom of my heart.

I really think that there's
never been a harder time

to be a parent, and my hat
is off to anybody

who'd be a parent, because

you can't boss
kids around anymore.

My parents would be arrested
today, arrested,

for raising us
just the way everybody did.

You know, walking alone--
oh, Christ.

Call 911. What?

I used to come home
every day from school.

I would fly up to my room,
get into my play clothes,

fly out the door.

My mother never once said,
where are you going?

Where am I going?

Kid stuff.

I'm gonna do kid stuff.

What the fuck is it to you
where I'm going?

I'm gonna do whatever I do
between 3:00 and 6:00,

and you do whatever the fuck
you do between 3:00 and 6:00.

And I'll see you at dinner.

"Where am I going?"

Nosy bitch. Jesus.

"Where am I going?"

I mean, I feel like,
yeah, I don't have kids,

but everything I see with them,
it's just so ass-backwards.

You know what I hear a lot?

My kid is my hero.

What? She's six.

Who's your kid?
Anne Frank, for Christ's sakes?

And like, I mean, I see kids
in TV and movies and, you know,

like, the parents always
apologizing to the kids.

You know, everything--
sorry, buddy.

I let you down, buddy,
you know,

'cause Dad cheated
or something.

Okay, well, you know,
Daddy gets erections.

Maybe when you get erections,

you'll be
a little more forgiving.

They're hard to refuse.

My whole life, people have
been saying, you know,

don't let your dick
rule your life.

Don't think with your dick.

Well, why not?
It's gonna win anyway.

[laughs]

Honestly, my dick is like the
dinosaurs in "Jurassic Park."

They're gonna get out, okay?

[laughs]
They're gonna get out and--

This may be why
I never got married.

I don't know, but--

which is not
that rare anymore, I feel.

And yet people are endlessly
fascinated by this.

Like, why didn't you
ever get married?

I'll tell you.

It's not that complicated.

It's just personal taste.

Like, okay,
here's the number one reason.

Whenever I ask married people,
like, about the marriage,

the answer is always some
variation of, well, it's tough.

You know, it's, uh...

it's a lot of work.
It's a lot of work.

It's--it's never, yippee!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Okay, I don't wanna work.

Does that make me shallow?
I don't care.

That's who I am.

I don't wanna work, just like
I don't wanna go on a hike.

Unless you like hiking.

See? Some people do.
It's just personal taste.

I went on one hike once.

Oh, God, I hated it.

It was, like, 20 years ago.

I had a girlfriend,
had a dog, and I had a dog.

She said, let's take
the dogs on a hike.

Oh, fuck.

It was fucking hot and dusty.

I hated the other hikers.

My dog got about 20 feet
and just went, fuck this,

and laid down
on the--he's like,

I'm not doing this, hiking
in a fur coat in the summer.

Jesus.

Okay, so--and here's
another thing

that scares me about marriage.

Sometimes, I'm in a restaurant.

I see across the way,
there's a table

and a couple sitting
across from each other,

and they're not speaking.

And I know they're married.

And, uh, they're not mad
at each other.

They just ran out
of conversation in 2006.

It's the--

[laughs]

And every once in a while, one
of them will burble up some,

"Well, I see the school is
getting a new coat of paint."

I just wanna walk over
and place a revolver down

on the table and say,
if either one of you

wants to use this
on yourself or each other,

everyone here will
understand completely.

There'll be no judgment.

So--[laughs]

And yes, I have
never actually been married,

but I've been in long-term
monogamous relationships.

I get the drill.

I know what it is.

I bet you, I--

I bet you, I share this
feeling that we've all had

in long-term relationships.

Tell me if this
isn't true, that,

you know, sometimes you're--

you're home with your loved
one, your spouse, whatever,

and they're about to leave
for the airport on a trip.

[laughs]

I'm not saying you wish the
plane would go down, but...

it would solve
a lot of problems.

[laughs] It really would.

[groans and laughter]

No, I know it's terrible.
It's terrible.

And whenever I've had that
feeling and thought that,

I felt terrible...

for the other 200 people
on the plane who have to die

so that I can be happy again.

But something had to give.

And okay, just one more thing.

Also, when marriages go bad,
sometimes, they go so bad--

I don't know if you saw this.

It didn't get
a lot of coverage.

But a couple of years ago,
Johnny Depp got divorced.

Oh, you did see that? Okay.

Well, I mean, the things
they did to each other.

I mean, I may not
be a Johnny Depp,

but no girl ever
shit in my bed, okay?

And I did once have a fight
about the bed.

It wasn't about that,
not about shit.

But--and I will
preface this by saying,

I think women are perfect
ethereal creatures,

and I will fight anybody
who says different.

- Whoo!
- Thank you.

But once in a blue moon, you
get one who's a little pushy,

just once in a blue moon.

And this girl--and we weren't
even together that long.

And she says to me,
"I want you to get a new bed."

I said, what?

"I want you to get a new bed."

Why?

"You've had other girls
in that bed."

I said, you've had other men
in your vagina.

But are we gonna get a new
one of those, for crying--

But I gotta say, I think
that a woman getting mad

at you for having had
other women in your bed,

it's just more evidence
that humans

aren't really that different.

I know the kids think that
they can reinvent humanity

and that we're all fluid now,

and gay and trans and
non-binary and on the spectrum,

but we're not.
How do I know we're not?

Because "The Bachelor"
is still on.

That's how I know.

So--and look.

Again, if you're not that,
if you're something different,

again, we applaud this.
Progress, we love it.

Facebook has 56--
56--gender categories.

I'm happy for all of you.

Great. Enjoy.

I'm sure there are
people who, you know,

identify as a cat and shit
in a litter box, but--

And I'm happy--and I'm happy
for you that you live now

in the age of the internet.

Because before the internet,
those kind of lives,

if you were different,
must have been very lonely.

But now, whatever you're into,
you know, just type it in--

and to get off, I need
a lesbian to pee on me

while I play with toy trains.

In two minutes,
there'll be 300 weirdos.

Me too.
I--

what kind of trains do you use?

I only use Lionel.
I--

And I will also say--
and please, I apologize

to being crude,
but it's just true--

I'm sorry, girls like dick.

They just do.
[women cheering]

See?

How do I know this?

Because they're willing to
put up with men to get some.

That's how I know this.

And I know men are bad because
they keep making movies where

beautiful women will date
and fuck and fall in love

with entities that are barely
human

or not human at all.

Did you see
"The Shape of Water"

won the big Oscar
a few years ago?

Oh, she fucks a fish.

I mean--

but a nice fish.

That's the message
of all these movies.

That's how bad it is out there.

Just be nice to her,
and you can get laid as a fish.

You know,
"Beauty and the Beast,"

it's right in the title.

He's a beast,
but he's nice to her.

King Kong is a gentleman.

He could kill her.

He's got her in his hand.
He could squeeze you to death.

No, he takes you
to a nice restaurant

on the top
of the Empire State Building.

It's very romantic.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
is not a great-looking guy.

He gets laid because
he writes her poetry.

He doesn't send a dick pic!

I mean, guys these days,
they're so lazy, you know?

I mean, they think they're
gonna get laid with just,

ooh, what's up?

Eggplant.

I mean, guys, women have
not changed that much.

They're communicative
creatures.

They need to be wooed.

You gotta think of that pussy
like a nightclub,

and you're not on the list.

You gotta talk your way
into that shit.

You gotta compliment
their hair,

notice what they're wearing,
and ask about their day.

I know, it's a
fucking nightmare,

but you gotta do it.

You gotta do it.

Just don't overdo it.

We have that problem too.

See, this country
can never correct,

always has to overcorrect.

So now we've also
pussified too many men.

I saw the last--

most recent, anyway--
James Bond movie.

Anybody see this?

Oh, my God,
they pussified James Bond.

He literally takes
his girlfriend and her kid

on his mission
to save the world.

He practically
stops off at Target

to buy tampons on the way to
the underground volcano lair.

Oh, for Christ's sake,
can't we have

one badass, toxic,
masculine guy

who fights crime in a tuxedo?

They've been making
this movie for 60 years.

It's a formula.

James Bond always fucks three
hot chicks in every movie.

He fucks
the scientist's daughter,

he fucks the bad guy's
girlfriend,

and he fucks the super hot
British agent he's working with

who's always, like,
prim and proper

and "Mr. Bond,
I know your reputation.

Don't think you're going to"--

cut to...
[groaning]

Every time.

[humming "James Bond" theme]

[as Sean Connery]
Thank you, Ms. Hot Pussy.

[laughs]

All right.
I think we did good.

Uh--[laughs]

I know you did great.

No.

I think we did good because we
sat together, people who don't

necessarily agree
on everything,

and that's what we have to do.

We have to sit together
again, talk to each other,

don't cut each other off.

Talk, just not about politics.

This is what we
never used to do.

I remember my parents
with their friends.

They had an inkling,
sometimes, that their friends

didn't share their politics.

But they didn't go there.

It was literally
considered impolite.

We had no idea how much
we hated each other,

and it worked out
so much better.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

I love this city.

I love playing here.

You've always been great to me.

Thank you, Chicago.

Thank you to everybody who
worked with me

on this show here.

They did a hell of a job.

And I'll see you next week
on "Real Time."

Thank you very much.

♪ ♪

[bright tone]