All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary s04e09 Volunteers.eng

Finally, the district
has started a new community initiative

that sends volunteers
out to all the schools.

So we're gonna have
some people

coming in next week
to help us out.

Thank God.
'Cause I need some help.

I've been asking for
an aide for decades.

Janine: I'm already so behind
in grading.

It takes a surprising amount
of effort

to give everyone an A
for effort. [ Chuckles ]

I'm happy the community
wants to lend a hand

when there's nothing in it
for them.

Yeah, well, maybe they
can get someone

to come deep clean
the coffee machine.

[ Teachers clamoring ]
Ava: Okay, I get it!

Didn't y'all hear me say
volunteers are coming?

Yeesh, y'all act like I let
this school fall apart.

[ Scoreboard creaking ]

[ Teachers screaming ]

Again?!
Everybody okay?

What, you're haunted now
or something?

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

??

Miles: Why are you calling me?
It's 7:30 a.m. on a Monday.

Yes, it is good
to hear from me.

So, listen,
we need a new scoreboard.

Just wondering when y'all
could drop one off.

Preferably something
in the Jumbotron family.

Hmm...looks like
the earliest

I can get someone
out there is...never.

Excuse me?
That's right.

Now that we're
fully unionized,

you don't have
any dirt on us

that could halt
construction.

You're out of leverage,

and you're not getting
a scoreboard.

Listen to me, you bespectacled
little milksop --

Excuse me? What did you say?
I will have you... The volunteers are here.

Okay, Malala girl,
I'll talk to you later.

Guess which Malala
that was.

Oh, thank goodness
the volunteers get here today.

It is so weird how we all
fall behind

after break
when we get back.

Nope. Not me.
I'm good.

I'm actually
ahead of schedule.

Well, I'm drowning.

I could use some help
in the garden.

That special compost
I put down

apparently has
the raccoons

starting a little goofball
garden program of their own.

Aww, cute.
No.

I need help
with my vents.

Some of the seats in my room
are too cold, others too hot.

It's a whole
Goldilocks sitch.

You know, if a girl
came into my house

and ate my porridge
and slept in my bed,

I'm eating her ass.

To be clear in this
hypothetical, I'm a bear.

The animal.
[ Intercom beeps ]

Ava:
Abbotts and Elementors,

the volunteers have arrived.

Come on down and claim
your minions.

Ah! New friends.

Thank you for
giving back to your --

well, not your --
a community.

Here are your badges.

Oh, badges, huh? Cool!
Very cool!

Welcome
to Abbott Elementary,

the best elementary school
in the universe.

Is that what this is?
Ignore her.

We are the best volunteers
in the universe.

This is Frank,
I'm Mac,

Dee, Dennis,
and Charlie.

How ya doin'?
Hey, guys.

Dennis: Quick question.

Um, what's the deal with
all the cameras?

We have, like,
a "Vanderpump" thing going on.

Don't worry about it.

No, no,
I don't think so.

I know quite a bit
about filming and consent,

and I think I'll
be spending my time

on the other side
of the camera.

Thank you very much.
[ Chuckles ]

See?
Yeah. Okay.

Charlie: He's camera shy.

Cool, well, um, do any of you
have any experience

with duct work?

Oh, I've done
tons of duck work.

You said duck work
or -- or duct?

W-What did you say?

Oh, has anyone
ever worked in a garden?

I lived outside.

Oh. Okay.
Mm-hmm.

You guys look
familiar to me.

No, we don't.
Yeah, you do.

Like, I know you
from somewhere.

I would have known
if I saw you. We don't do schools

Yeah...
Wait, did you ever get into a fight at an Eagles game?

-Of course we have.
-Oh! Yeah, of course. -Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you?

Oh, are you kidding?
When have I not?

Of course.
Yeah, you gotta fight. We gotta do

Okay.
That's what it is, then.

All right. Go, Birds!

Go Birds!
Yeah, go Birds! Go Birds.

I like her.
That's cool. Go Birds, of course.

If Caucasian Cultural Exchange
is over,

let's get to
the free work.

-Okay? Yeah.
-Yeah.

But go Birds.

But what they were
not prepared for --

the scourge
of trench warfare.

All right,
your vent is fixed.

Thank you, Charlie.

That thing's been dumping
hot air on me for weeks.

I've been positively
sudoriferous.

Oh, yeah?
You got one of those?

Yeah, I got a rash.
[ Scoffs ]

What you learning in here,
huh?

Oh, about innovative wear.
Classic fashion concerns.

All right, well, first of all,
ironing is a myth.

Doesn't work.
Oh, no. Uh...

you mean the
"Industrial War."

[ Laughs ]
Apologies.

The students say
I have the handwriting

of a possessed doll.

No, I-I knew that.
Yeah, Industrial War.

And that was a --
that was a big one.

'Cause, you know,
the -- the industries, you know,

the -- were fighting
each other -- big robots.

And there were,
of course,

lots of Marines
and crazy vermin

and, uh, aliens.

And that was, uh,
very baffling for them.

And, well,
you don't need me teaching.

Seems like you got it.

Maybe I'll see if there's
any other fashion classes

for me to pop in on and, uh,
give some more pointers.

Never iron.

This school, man.

Hey! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

Composting.

Compost is made of
food waste, not batteries.

No, no. Batteries
are robot food.

They're full
of rare earth metals.

Plants love 'em.

You throw any more
of my trash in there,

and I won't be responsible
for what happens next.

Is that a threat?
You damn right that's a threat.

Okay, okay.
All right, hold on. Calm down.

This is exactly what
the raccoons want.

The game plan for today

is to get the compost back
into the planters

and spread garlic
and chili powder around

to deter the raccoons.

Garlic and
chili powder?

You're gonna make
the dirt taste delicious.

There's only one way
to get rid of raccoons.

Intimidation.

You try
and intimidate a raccoon --

that'll be the last thing
you ever do.

You gotta trap 'em.

Raccoons is too smart
for traps.

You need pelts
with alpha predator urine.

Yeah, I'm definitely
not doing that.

Suit yourself.

But you should rename this place
"A Buffet Elementary."

That's not our name.

We're named after
a historical racist.

Congratulations.

All right, so maybe you can
hang up the kids' drawings

while I just help them
with the lesson.

You got it.
Cool.

Penn?
Oh, hell yeah!

[ Shouts ] Yeah, Penn!
I went to Penn!

[ Normal voice ]
I'm so sorry.

That is a knee-jerk
reaction I have.

[ Chuckles ] Don't you
dare apologize.

I went there, too!

What?

Yeah. I basically lived
on Locust Walk.

Wha-- [ Chuckles ]
As you should!

Because how else are
you gonna get

to Smokey Joe's!
To Smokey Joe's!

No way!
[ Laughs ]

Uh, hello?

Oh, h-hi.
Okay, just go ahead

and double-check your work
if you're finished, okay?

Yeah, and remember
to write your name at the top.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, they always forget
to do that.

You are a natural.

I appreciate
you seeing me. Of course.

Hey, class,
can I have your attention?

Just real quick up here.

I just want you to know...

you are being taught
by a genius.

Okay.

Well, the, uh, school's
all fixed up now,

so I was thinking,
since we gave you such a boost,

maybe you could sign
this volunteer slip

and we could get out of your
hair for the rest of the week,

you know,
sort of let the school soar.

Stop wasting paper.

District says you're here
for the whole week.

Find something
useful to do.

I already have a white guy that
comes in here to annoy me.

Does anybody else think
there's something seriously off

about these volunteers?

That guy Frank accused
my soil of lacking lithium.

Yeah, I don't think they have
backgrounds in education

or, like, educations,
period.

Okay, well,
my volunteer certainly does.

She went to Penn,
which is an Ivy.

A lot of people confuse it
for a state school. I know.

Is she the one that stuck her
head in my classroom asking

can she
"light up in here"?

The tall, skinny one who's,
like, hiding behind the cameras,

he keeps asking me out
to some gross bar

with like 300
one-star reviews.

Wait. A gross bar
in South? Yeah.

I knew I knew
those schlubs.

Guys.
What?

Come on!

Hey, hey, you guys,
you own that Paddy's Pub.

That's the skeeviest bar
I ever been to.

You're a bunch
of lowlifes.

Nope.
Hey!

What exactly
are you doing here?

We are volunteering
for community service. Yeah.

What's your angle?
If there even is one.

Guys, there's no angle.
We're here to help.

Yes!
For at least 100 hours.

As the court order
dictates.

Snakes in the garden!
You're criminals.

Okay.
Oh, come on. No!

I-Is it a crime
to dump 100 gallons

of baby oil
in the Schuylkill?

And 500 Paddy's Pub
T-shirts.

And a Cybertruck?

Yes!
Yes! Yes!

Yeah, the judge
thought so, too.

She's right.
We're criminals.

Of course they're criminals.
That explains why Frank asked when he gets his one phone call.

Let's get 'em
outta here.

Okay, somebody
just give me the word

and I will have
them disappeared like that.

Ava, please remove
these improper people

from the premises
post-haste.

Hold on. Dee has been
super helpful in my class.

She took down the Christmas
decorations I can't reach.

She graded
a spelling quiz.

And she did go to one of the
best schools in the country.

Janine,
you're an adult.

Stop bragging about something
you did when you were 17.

They're not "criminal"
criminals,

you know,
just a misdemeanor.

Plus, if you
kick them out,

the district will
never send us help ever again.

The "free" of it all
is hard to say no to.

All right, the criminals
can stay for now.

What?
And I'll treat them just like everyone else,

with the utmost
disrespect.

Hey, Melissa. Um...
Charlie: Oh, we're in here?

Uh, whoa! Uh-oh.
[ Chuckles ]

Look at all the colors
in here, man.

This is so much cooler
than your room.

Um, do you have
anything that Charlie

could help out with,
maybe in -- in your class?

Nope.
Don't want him.

Take him back up
to the older kids.

Hey, Charlie.
Why don't, um --

Why don't you check some
of the kids work?

Throw down some knowledge
on these guys?

Sounds good.
Sure.

Yeah.
I'm afraid that, uh,

seventh-grade curriculum
might be a little advanced

for Charlie
to help out with.

Honestly, I don't even know
if he can read.

He couldn't make out anything
on the board.

That doesn't mean
he can't read.

I'm dyslexic, you prick.
Lots of adults are.

Maybe he is, too.

Got a question
over here?

How do you
spell "light"?

Uh, light -- light?
Yeah.

Well, uh,
that's easy, really.

It's L, I, Y, T...
there's another L,

which is
one of those letters

that hides behind
the other letter.

Well,
maybe he can't read.

This doesn't make any sense.

Raccoons hate
chili powder and garlic.

How is it worse?

I told you,
the only way

to get rid of a raccoon
is intimidation.

Now, I've got these
premium pelts

back at my place.

I'm gonna soak 'em

in the dankest urine
you ever smelled.

You'll never see another raccoon
as long as you live.

This is a garden, not a
Hollywood bachelor pad.

We need a huge cage.

Have you ever
even met a raccoon?

I met a famous one
last spring.

I think what we have here
is an embarrassment of riches.

So I'm just gonna let...
two have at it.

You're trash.
You know that?

Coming from
the sheriff of trash.

Principal Coleman,
good morning!

Hmm.

This coffee is cute as hell.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, I've been trying
to get Dia to do this,

but Dia says that her

[louder] arthritis makes her
hand shake too bad.

Right. Uh,
it was my pleasure.

Let me know
if there's anything you need.

And I mean anything.

Hmm. I could use
a white guy

to serve as
my vice presid--

I mean, principal.
[ Chuckles ]

You can start
by planning a fire drill.

This place
is a tinderbox.

Yes, I could do that.
Or...

when was the last time
you had your car detailed?

Oh, well,
just yesterday.

But go ahead
and fill 'er up, too.

And when Ben Franklin
touched the key

he had tied
to the kite...

[ Imitates being electrocuted ]
[ Laughter ]

My bones!

[ Knock on door ]
That is so good.

Oh. Hi.
Hello, Miss Teagues.

Can I borrow
the left-handed scissors?

Oh, yeah. Of course.
Be right back.

Guys, keep working.

Well, well,
well, well, well.

Say, what brings
a hunk like you

into a classroom
like this?

The left-handed
scissors.

You don't say.
Yeah.

Well, fun fact about me --
I am ambidextrous,

and you know
what they say about

ambidextrous girls...

That they can write
with both hands?

[ Laughs loudly ]

You are so funny.

Isn't he?
Yeah.

Got 'em.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Mm-hmm.
Thank you.

All right, guys. Who can name
something else

that Ben Franklin
invented?

Yo. White kid.
How about over here?

What's Mr. Eddie's deal?

Whoa.
Check this out.

There's gotta be like
100 books in here.

Yeah,
why don't you go

take a look at
some of the covers?

So, how's it going
with that one?

My suspicions
were first piqued when -- He can't read.

You sure?

Uh-oh! This one doesn't
even have pictures.

You know, I used to teach
adult literacy classes,

and it's far more common
nowadays than you think.

Okay.
Charlie!

I am Mrs. Barbara Howard,
educator.

And I'd like to ask
you a question. Sure.

Do you have
trouble reading? No.

I mean [clears throat]
no, no.

I can read any word
at any time.

My friends and I
were actually talking about

how well-read I am.

Yes, well,
adult illiteracy is very common,

and there is no shame
in needing help.

You know what?
I'm not feeling great.

I got a bit
of a tummy ache.

Uh, you got, like,
a hall pass or something?

Jacob: It's on the wall.

On the wall.
I see it, okay?

All right.
I'll be back.

That...

He could probably
recognize

the word "bathroom,"
though, right?

Charlie!
Hurry!

For someone who's
not getting paid,

Mac has made himself
surprisingly useful. [ Drill whirring ]

Now he's texting me
to come outside and --

Can you keep that down?

I'm pontificating over here.
And what is that smell?

It's the pelts.
They're soaked in pee,

which isn't gonna
do anything.

Here you go.

Gassed up, detailed,
and I rotated your tires.

My tires rotate
every time I drive.

Is that cinnamon
air freshener?

Even better.
Oh!

Yeah.
Still warm?

There's probably not even
anything left for us

to do this week, so if you could
just go ahead and sign the slip.

Oh, not right now.
My hands are sticky.

[ Tires squeal, car departs ]

Ooh.
Valentines in January.

Nice, Miss Dee.
Head start.

Oh. I did not know you had
a crush on Mr. Eddie, Bekka.

What? No, she doesn't.
She better not.

No, she's doing it
for me.

Wh-- Wha-- What? Why?
What do you mean?

'Cause when Gregory finds out
that I used the kids

to let him know how I feel about
him, he's just gonna melt.

[ School bell rings ]
But, uh --

Bye, kids. Bye.

Wait. Um, you -- you
like Gregory?

Uh [chuckles] yeah.
You've seen those shoulders.

What is his deal?
Is he in a relationship?

Ooh, if he is,
is he a cheater?

[ Laughs ]
No. Okay.

So, uh, he is actually
with someone -- me.

What?!
Yeah.

Janine! Nice pull.

Thank you.
It took a long time.

Yeah. You're good if I take
a spin, though, yeah?

Hey, does he have
any tattoos?

Never -- You know what?
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

I want it to be a surprise.
Shh! Shh! Shh! No.

Um, so it's actually
like a real relationship.

He's my boyfriend.
Like, my very loyal boyfriend.

So it's a competition
then?

No.

Very well.
Best of luck to you.

So, he likes big feet.

Good.

Mine are enormous.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Mockingly breathing heavily ]
What?

Ava,
the others were right.

These volunteers
have got to go.

No, you were right.

They're amazing, and
they're staying. [ Chuckles ]

I might even frame
'em for another crime to get their hours up.

Did I tell you
to stop steaming?

[ Steam hisses ]

Charlie, I've helped many adults
who've struggled to read --

Yeah, but I'm not struggling.
I read good.

It's okay.
It's okay, Charlie.

All we have to do is find out,
what do you like?

Beer. Uh...
They don't have that.

...milk steak...
uh, bird law. Okay.

Birds!
Okay, Barbara.

Birds.
We can work with that.

-Birds.
-Barb! -Okay.

All right.
"Protected Birds of Pennsylvania,

Fun Facts, Cool Birds."
Yes!

Oh, yeah?
Cool birds. Okay, here you go.

All right,
let's start right here.

What sound does
this letter make?

I don't need to sound it out
'cause I can read it perfectly.

It says, "The Philadelphia
Eagles' name is Swoop

and he has a jetpack."

It doesn't.
It doesn't?

Go Birds?

Go Birds, man.

Let's keep trying.

Janine: You know,
I feel bad for Dee.

It must be hard
to have a crush on Gregory

when I'm already with him.

Hopefully I can smooth things
over today.

[ Knock on door ]

Expecting
someone else?

Yeah, I just wanted you
to get a load

of the tower of a woman

you're about to lose
your man to.

Okay, class,
why don't you, um, work quietly

while Miss Dee and I
have a talk in the hallway?

Dee...
Mm.

...I'm sorry
about yesterday... Mm.

...but Gregory and I are in a
serious, committed relationship.

Yeah, you already
said that.

It only makes me
want him more.

Do you love him?
Wha-- D-- [ Stammering ]

Because I love him.
And when I see him next,

that's exactly what
I'm gonna tell him.

Okay.

I thought you learned
your lesson yesterday,

but I guess you gotta
get held back.

How you gonna hold me back?
Your arms are way too short.

My arms are not short.
Your arms are too short.

My arms are a normal size.
Try it. Reach me. Reach me.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.

What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on.

This psycho, she was
just going off about -- You know what she said?

She said, "[Whiny voice]
He's too much of a man for me."

I didn't say that.
"I can't handle him."

Yes, she did. She did.
No, I didn't. I didn't say that.

And you know what?
One more thing -- I love you.

She did say that.
I didn't say the first part.

I would never say that.

Are you okay?
Yes, I am fine.

But this bird-ass bird
is gonna get real hurt.

Don't call me --
I will call you... Okay, okay, okay.

Excuse me just one second.
...worse things than a bird.

Thank you.
It's just what I thought of.

What's happening?

She's trying to seduce you
and make you her boyfriend.

Okay?

"Okay?" That'd be
an actual nightmare.

Agreed.
Listen, Janine...

I'm with you.

I'm not interested
in any other woman.

Especially not that woman.

Okay.

Okay, I feel better.

Much better.

All right.
All right, thank you.

Mm-hmm.
I'll go back.

That was so hot.
[ Chuckles ]

Meet me behind
the gym mats in 15.

And if I'm late,
you just keep waiting.

"Green!"
Yes.

"Her-ons."
Unh...

"Herons."
That's it.

Uh, "spend soumare."

Uh, it's a French word
I think.

No, it's not.

Oh!
"Summer in Philadelphia

and then flies soothe..."

South...
"...soothes...

south for wine."

No.
"Win-Winter"?

"Winter!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

Charlie,
I am so proud of you!

Look at you, you crazy S.O.B.
You did it.

You can read, Charlie.
I did it!

I actually read,
which I always could do.

What's going on in here?
Somebody walking on water?

Even better, we taught
one of the criminals

to read at a
kindergarten level.

Wow. I guess miracles
do happen.

Charlie: Yeah, Mac,
check this out.

I'm gonna read, uh,
one of the tough sentences,

like,
from the back of the book. Yes.

Um,
"Protected, uh, birds

include, uh,
the gold-breathe...

bre--" I don't
know this one. Breasted.

"Breasted! Nuthatch
and loggerhead Shrek --

shrike."
Say that again.

Really?

"Pro-tec-ted birds inc--
Yes.

[ Sighs ]
"Protected birds include

the gold-breasted nuthatch
and loggerhead shrike."

Dang! Well, that's
why you're principal.

Mel, you still got
that egg guy?

Human or animal?
Doesn't matter. Got both. Why?

We got a species
to protect.

V.P., I have
your next mission.

We caught the raccoon!
It's huge!

Really?

You want to bash his brains in
or should I?

No, man.
That's Frank.

I know that.
Get me outta here.

Were you the one eating
the compost the whole time?

Only after you put the garlic
and the chili powder on it.

Came back last night
for some more.

I saw that pudding cup was full,
and I got stuck in here.

Why you wearing piss pelts?
It was freezing.

But by the way,
the piss pelts worked.

I didn't see one raccoon.

All right,
I've hit my limit.

Uh, Mr. Johnson,
hose him off

and get him inside
before the kids see this.

Very good, by the way,
if you'd like to try some.

Miles: Ava, for the last time,
Girard Creek Golf

will not be giving Abbott
a new scoreboard.

That's not why
I'm calling.

You see,
my white vice principal

was passing by
your construction site,

and something
caught his eye.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

You should have just received
a photo.

It's eggs.

Yes.
Loggerhead shrike eggs.

A protected bird in Pennsylvania
found at your golf course.

If the Bird and Game Commission
saw that,

I wonder what it would do
to your construction progress?

[ Sighs ]
I'll be in touch.

[ Chuckles ]

Through perseverance,
Charlie has achieved

what once seemed impossible.

And so congratulations

to Abbott Elementary's
newest reader --

Charlie Kelly!

Yeah!

[ Applause ]

I feel bad
about all the compost I ate.

So if you just put this
in the garden,

the plants will love it
and then we'll call it square.

If you took that from
Mr. Johnson's car, go put it back.

Yeah.

It's a weird week,
huh?

Really?
I didn't notice.

Last chance.

What do you say we, uh,
drive away from this place

and never look back?

Yeah, that's not
gonna happen.

So...

Whatever.

Hey, boss,
so the, uh...

new scoreboard looks
pretty good, huh?

So I guess that means you sh--
you should sign this.

[ Sighs ]

No.

You're the best free worker
I've ever had.

Come on.
I got your car detailed.

I blackmailed
a golf course.

I even went
the extra mile

and wrote thank-you notes
to all the teachers.

You did what?

They run on insults.

You don't get what
I'm doing here at all.

Get the hell
outta my school.

Oh, God. Let's never
ask for help again.

Well,
I tried to tell yous.

Oh, this week
wasn't so bad.

We taught
a guy to read.

Jacob, how are you
always so optimistic?

Are you kidding me?

We live in the City
of Brotherly Love, my brother.

It's always sunny in --

It is amazing what we were able
to accomplish this week.

I mean, when we got here,
this place was falling apart.

And now...
they send children here.

So, it turns out Greg's gay,
uh, which is a bummer.

I do feel bad for Janine,

but that can happen
to the short ones.

I got to work the land.

I got to eat some fiber.

Charlie learned to read.

Community service is great.

Crime is worth it.
Plain and simple.

I'm ready to get out of here.
This school's haunted.

They play basketball
against ghosts.

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