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1
00:00:16,834 --> 00:00:19,101
Boy, eight months
on patrol and nothing.
2
00:00:19,169 --> 00:00:21,302
You know, Rupert,
I miss the Earth so much.
3
00:00:21,371 --> 00:00:22,838
I miss my wife.
4
00:00:22,906 --> 00:00:23,986
It's lonely out in space...
5
00:00:27,411 --> 00:00:29,305
Uh-oh, Rupert,
we've got company,
6
00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:31,489
and I don't think
it's the Avon Lady.
7
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,250
Strap yourself in.
8
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:38,679
No matter what happens,
it's been a privilege
to serve under you.
9
00:01:15,009 --> 00:01:16,325
Don't relax yet, Rupert,
10
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:19,433
those fighters
had to have been
coming from somewhere.
11
00:01:21,097 --> 00:01:23,682
Oh, my God!
12
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,222
Wait a minute, Rupert,
13
00:01:47,290 --> 00:01:49,702
there's a weapons systems
cooling duct on the far side
of the hull.
14
00:01:49,726 --> 00:01:51,421
If we can get just
one good shot at it,
15
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,685
we can blow
that fat bastard
out of the cosmos.
16
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,793
Uh-oh, Rupert,
our main blasters
are gone.
17
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,451
Looks like this
is a suicide mission.
18
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,645
Got you! Got you!
Got you!
19
00:02:43,714 --> 00:02:45,180
Got you! Got you!
20
00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:47,327
Stewie, get lost.
Daddy's trying to
watch the ball game.
21
00:02:47,351 --> 00:02:49,696
You can't talk.
I've knocked out your
communication systems.
22
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,420
Lois, Stewie's making noise.
23
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,538
As we speak,
I'm boarding your vessel.
24
00:02:53,606 --> 00:02:55,101
Hey, hey, look, Stewie,
Rupert wants to go play
25
00:02:55,125 --> 00:02:56,157
down in the basement.
26
00:02:56,226 --> 00:02:57,403
"Hey, hey, Stewie,
27
00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,671
"I'm gonna go play
down in the basement.
28
00:02:58,695 --> 00:02:59,994
"Here I go."
29
00:03:00,063 --> 00:03:01,229
What? Why, Rupert?
30
00:03:01,298 --> 00:03:03,081
Why do you want to play
in the basement?
31
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,261
"I don't know, I just
feel like there might be
some fun stuff down there."
32
00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:06,584
I'm not following your logic.
33
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:08,147
And why are you talking
different than usual?
34
00:03:08,171 --> 00:03:09,187
"Here I go."
35
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:10,839
Rupert, get back here.
36
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:12,924
Rupert?
37
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,659
Oh, there you are.
38
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:17,378
Wow, look at all
the old stuff down here.
39
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,747
Hello, what's this?
40
00:03:21,684 --> 00:03:23,651
"What I Learned on
Jefferson Street.
41
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,987
"Written by
H. Brian Griffin."
42
00:03:26,056 --> 00:03:28,156
Oh, yes.
43
00:03:35,849 --> 00:03:37,215
What's this?
44
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,978
What the hell...
Where the hell
did this come from?
45
00:03:39,002 --> 00:03:40,202
What is it, Brian?
46
00:03:40,236 --> 00:03:41,703
It's the first thing
I ever wrote.
47
00:03:41,772 --> 00:03:43,871
It's a script for
a television show,
a drama.
48
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:45,335
I had an idea for a script once.
49
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,724
It's basically Jaws,
50
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:49,239
except when
the guys in the boat
are going after Jaws,
51
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,763
they look around and
there's an even bigger Jaws,
52
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:55,133
so the guys have to
team up with Jaws
to get bigger Jaws.
53
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:56,834
I call it Big Jaws.
54
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,381
Wait, that's not what
your script's about, is it?
55
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,088
No.
Okay, good.
56
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:01,885
God, I haven't
looked at this in years.
57
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,542
I don't even remember
if it's any good or not.
58
00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:07,545
Oh, wait a minute. Yeah.
59
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,191
Yeah, this is all
coming back to me.
60
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:11,427
You know, this is actually
not too bad a piece of work.
61
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:14,285
This was kind of deep,
as I recall.
62
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,015
You know, Lois, you might
actually be interested
63
00:04:16,039 --> 00:04:18,506
in reading this.
64
00:04:18,575 --> 00:04:21,376
You might actually...
You might like this.
65
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:24,879
You should look at it.
66
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,621
All right, damn it!
67
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,204
So, have you
read the script yet?
68
00:04:38,228 --> 00:04:40,895
Oh, I'm sorry, Brian,
I haven't gotten
around to it.
69
00:04:40,964 --> 00:04:43,365
Why not now, you know?
Just get it off your plate.
70
00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:44,666
Oh, gosh, you know what?
71
00:04:44,735 --> 00:04:46,946
I don't even know what I did
with the copy that you gave...
72
00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:48,753
Oh, fuck! There it is.
73
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,283
Hey, you know what else
would be great?
74
00:04:50,307 --> 00:04:52,418
Why don't you put
check marks next to
scenes you like?
75
00:04:52,442 --> 00:04:53,970
Well, I don't have a...
Here's a pen.
76
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:57,262
You know, I'll just leave it
for you right here.
77
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,431
Okay. Thank you, Brian.
78
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,177
Hey, you know what
I'll do to make it
even easier?
79
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:04,180
I'll just go ahead
and place this
in your hand.
80
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,715
There we are.
And now when you go,
81
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,116
"Oh, where's
that crazy pen?"
82
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,207
Well, there it is.
83
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:10,709
It's in your hand.
84
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:12,722
Brian, I'm not
gonna read this
with you standing here.
85
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,027
Oh, it's okay, I don't mind.
86
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,364
Go for a ride in the car?
87
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,637
Come on!
88
00:05:27,344 --> 00:05:29,656
Why the hell is it
taking her so long
to read that thing?
89
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:31,358
I don't know,
I saw her giving Joe notes
90
00:05:31,382 --> 00:05:32,714
on his pilot this morning.
91
00:05:32,783 --> 00:05:33,832
What?
92
00:05:33,884 --> 00:05:35,250
Brian, your script...
93
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,987
It was enchanting.
94
00:05:39,056 --> 00:05:40,455
This Brian Griffin,
95
00:05:40,523 --> 00:05:42,490
I've never met
this Brian Griffin.
96
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:43,919
I would have
told you last night,
97
00:05:43,961 --> 00:05:46,561
but I was 100% sure
you ripped it off.
98
00:05:46,630 --> 00:05:48,262
But after spending
the last 18 hours
99
00:05:48,331 --> 00:05:49,764
on the Internet and in libraries
100
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,466
trying to find
traces of it somewhere,
101
00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:52,834
I couldn't find a thing.
102
00:05:52,903 --> 00:05:55,303
Well, I'm...
I'm so happy you liked it.
103
00:05:55,372 --> 00:05:56,966
Look, I don't want
to get your hopes up,
104
00:05:56,990 --> 00:06:00,158
but Daddy's got
some connections
over at CBS,
105
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:03,028
and I think he could
help you get this on TV.
106
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:04,974
That's amazing, Lois!
Thank you!
107
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,532
Oh, I am very proud of you.
108
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,734
My God! A TV pilot.
109
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:13,788
Wow, Brian, you must feel
like Hitler did after
he wrote Mein Kampf.
110
00:06:13,857 --> 00:06:15,684
Well, we read it
and we don't like it.
111
00:06:16,809 --> 00:06:17,853
We love it!
112
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:21,612
You got me!
113
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:23,899
I could have killed you,
Mr. Weinberg!
114
00:06:38,081 --> 00:06:41,916
"Dear Diary,
still no sign of that
tampon from last week,
115
00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:44,369
"but the headaches
are getting worse."
116
00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:48,089
Chris, what are you doing?
Give me that!
117
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,698
Well, I'm off to buy
imaginary groceries.
118
00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:04,989
Do you think he's okay?
119
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,124
I don't know.
120
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,037
You idiot!
This is your fault.
121
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,294
My fault? You were
the one chasing me.
122
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,175
You were the one
reading my diary.
123
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,664
Kids, breakfast.
124
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,499
What do we do?
Is he breathing?
125
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:16,701
It looks like it.
126
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,069
That's a good sign, right?
127
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:30,949
Brian, I'm afraid
I'm going to have
to be blunt with you.
128
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,017
Yeah?
129
00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:33,718
We love this pilot!
130
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,637
Oh, my God,
131
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,255
I felt like Hitler just then.
132
00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:38,601
What?
It was a joke.
133
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,542
I just said I felt like Hitler.
134
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:45,030
What? Nobody here's
Jewish, right?
135
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:48,015
Gee, I don't know.
Are you Jewish, Gordon?
136
00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:50,735
I don't know, Jeremy, are you?
137
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,154
I had no idea. I'm sorry.
138
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,239
Hey, Brian.
139
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,674
We're both Italian.
140
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,143
You're in.
141
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,363
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
142
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,026
Chris, I'm worried.
Stewie's still unconscious.
143
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,578
Maybe he's just sleeping.
144
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:17,712
Is Stewie in here?
145
00:08:17,781 --> 00:08:19,113
Yes.
146
00:08:19,182 --> 00:08:21,227
Well, can you give him to me?
It's time for his dinner.
147
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,195
Oh, don't worry, Mom,
we'll bring him down.
148
00:08:23,219 --> 00:08:26,232
Anything I can do
to make your life
a little easier.
149
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:27,889
Well, you could
always grab the vacuum
150
00:08:27,958 --> 00:08:29,558
and clean up
the living room floor.
151
00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:31,270
Oh, sure,
I'll take care of that.
152
00:08:31,294 --> 00:08:33,862
Are you running off to your job?
153
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:34,996
Oh.
154
00:08:35,065 --> 00:08:36,965
Yeah.
Okay.
155
00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:38,099
Yeah.
156
00:08:38,168 --> 00:08:40,051
We'll bring him down, Mom.
157
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,781
All right.
We've got to take
him down to dinner.
158
00:08:41,805 --> 00:08:43,571
I think he's okay to travel.
159
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,743
I know we're not gonna do this,
160
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,010
but at this point I almost think
161
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,452
we should just cut him up
and flush him down the toilet.
162
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,300
Oh, not too much
chicken for me, Lois.
163
00:09:01,324 --> 00:09:02,990
I've gotta save my
appetite for all that
164
00:09:03,059 --> 00:09:05,126
studio commissary food tomorrow.
165
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,272
You know what would be
a great idea for a TV show?
166
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:10,932
A sitcom about former
major league pitchers
Phil and Joe Niekro
167
00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:12,878
enjoying their retirement years.
168
00:09:12,902 --> 00:09:15,286
You'd call it
Those Lazy Niekros.
169
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:18,640
Kids, what is
taking so long?
Dinner's ready.
170
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,930
Oh, look at my little cowboy.
171
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,700
Come on, Stewie,
up in your high chair.
172
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,887
Boy, he must be starving.
173
00:09:32,956 --> 00:09:34,967
Yep, he's really chowing down.
174
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,991
Hey, how's the food, Stewie?
175
00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:41,062
Blimey, it's right delicious,
I do declare.
176
00:09:41,131 --> 00:09:43,893
Brian, have you decided
who's gonna star
in your show?
177
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,633
Well, it's a tough role.
178
00:09:45,702 --> 00:09:48,547
I mean, Byron is
a 25-year-old single father
going back to finish college
179
00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:50,972
so he can do right by his
four-year-old daughter.
180
00:09:51,041 --> 00:09:52,518
So it's got to be
somebody who can project
181
00:09:52,542 --> 00:09:55,009
a certain amount of
world-wizened sophistication,
182
00:09:55,078 --> 00:09:56,923
while at the same time
retaining a certain
183
00:09:56,947 --> 00:09:58,579
youthfully passionate idealism.
184
00:09:58,648 --> 00:10:00,392
You know who'd be good?
Big Jaws.
185
00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:02,283
Actually, in my mind,
there's only one actor
186
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,486
who could do this role.
Elijah Wood.
187
00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,287
Oh, Elijah Wood.
188
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,957
I got a little bit of
a crush on him, I have.
189
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:11,542
Oh, look, Lois, wishbone.
190
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:15,713
Okay, ready?
One, two, three.
191
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,731
Yes!
I got five seconds.
192
00:10:22,906 --> 00:10:25,306
No gravity.
193
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,913
There he is!
194
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,414
Oh, go on.
195
00:10:33,483 --> 00:10:34,683
No, really, go on.
196
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,403
Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein,
197
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,905
senior executive
of programming here
at the network.
198
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,740
We are so happy to
be working with you.
199
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,221
I hope you
brought the magic wand
you wrote this with.
200
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,644
Yep, it's right here.
201
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:48,857
Watch, I'll turn
this beautiful princess
into a toad.
202
00:10:48,881 --> 00:10:50,259
Bing.
Ribbit.
203
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:54,797
Oh, all right,
I can tell this is
gonna be a fun process.
204
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,371
You know, Brian,
you've spun gold
into these pages,
205
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,774
and it's our job
to bring that gold
to the screen.
206
00:10:59,843 --> 00:11:02,143
So, what do
you say we get this
casting session started?
207
00:11:02,212 --> 00:11:03,505
Let's do it.
Yeah!
208
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:05,229
All right!
Yeah!
209
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:10,051
Okay, now obviously,
we love Elijah Wood
210
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,697
for the part of Byron
as much as you do.
211
00:11:11,721 --> 00:11:13,587
The audition is
just a formality.
212
00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:15,056
Let's bring him in.
213
00:11:15,124 --> 00:11:16,507
Elijah?
214
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,759
Hi, everyone.
215
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,310
Hey, Elijah.
216
00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,657
So should I just jump into this?
217
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,931
Whenever you're ready.
218
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:24,677
Okay, I'll read you in, Elijah.
219
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:27,079
Now, this is the scene
where Byron's professor
fails him
220
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,581
for missing
the chemistry midterm
221
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,765
to take his daughter
to the doctor.
222
00:11:30,807 --> 00:11:34,275
"I'm sorry, Byron,
missing the midterm
is an automatic failure."
223
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,944
Go ahead, Professor Watkins,
fail me if you want.
224
00:11:37,013 --> 00:11:38,546
Give me an "F" on the exam.
225
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,982
I don't care because
I got an "A" today,
226
00:11:41,051 --> 00:11:42,149
as a dad.
227
00:11:42,218 --> 00:11:43,484
Maybe this is news to you,
228
00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:46,421
but love isn't some element
on your periodic table.
229
00:11:46,489 --> 00:11:47,616
So, you know what?
230
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,524
Keep your
chromium and magnesium,
231
00:11:49,593 --> 00:11:52,276
because I discovered
a much more precious element.
232
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,011
I discovered Dadmium.
233
00:11:55,982 --> 00:11:57,148
Wow.
234
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:59,061
Does that audition come
with a box of tissues?
235
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:00,518
That was a great read.
236
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,587
Thanks, everybody.
237
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:04,666
I mean, come on.
How great is he?
238
00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:07,225
Wow. He's amazing.
That's our guy.
239
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,525
That's our Byron.
240
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:10,339
Great. Then we're
good to go.
Absolutely.
241
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,008
Totally.
So, we're done.
242
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:14,181
Look, since we're playing
with house money,
243
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:16,600
we do have one more guy.
244
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:17,796
What?
Oh, don't worry.
245
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,387
He's not Byron.
246
00:12:19,456 --> 00:12:21,500
Somebody upstairs
threw out a name,
got real excited about it,
247
00:12:21,524 --> 00:12:23,191
so we're just playing the game.
248
00:12:23,259 --> 00:12:25,259
Okay, so who?
249
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,306
Hey, what's up, douche bags?
250
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,358
I'm here to audition
for this stupid pilot.
251
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,101
James Woods?
252
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,586
Thanks for coming in, Jimmy.
253
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:35,948
Do you need a copy of the scene?
254
00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:37,188
Nah, I got it memorized.
255
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,851
Just like your
wife's phone number.
256
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:41,809
No, he didn't!
257
00:12:41,878 --> 00:12:43,455
I do, though.
I have it memorized.
258
00:12:43,479 --> 00:12:45,441
Wait a second.
I don't want this guy
anywhere near this show!
259
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,510
He's been harassing
my family for years!
260
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:50,078
He stalked
my best friend and then
he stole his identity!
261
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:53,805
Oh, my God.
That's an episode!
262
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,673
Brian, will you read him in?
263
00:12:57,961 --> 00:13:00,973
"I'm sorry, Byron.
Missing the midterm
is an automatic failure."
264
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:02,213
Hey, science face,
265
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,082
I got an "F" for you.
It stands for "Fuck you."
266
00:13:06,469 --> 00:13:07,518
There he is!
267
00:13:07,586 --> 00:13:08,647
Hey, and guess what?
268
00:13:08,671 --> 00:13:10,955
I discovered a new element.
269
00:13:13,476 --> 00:13:15,538
Okay, thanks
a lot, everybody.
I got to go.
270
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,882
I got some school
bus seats to sniff.
271
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,318
Seriously, stop it!
272
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,333
Okay, did everyone else
feel that?
273
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,201
I felt it.
Oh, I felt it, too.
274
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,382
I felt whatever the most
senior executive
in this room felt.
275
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,834
Okay, good.
So we all felt it.
276
00:13:27,858 --> 00:13:30,152
Wait, you're not seriously
considering him, are you?
277
00:13:30,176 --> 00:13:31,809
James Woods is insane.
278
00:13:31,878 --> 00:13:33,289
And on top of that,
he's, like, 60.
279
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,496
The character of Byron
is 25 years old.
280
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:39,216
I know, I know.
But what if he wasn't?
281
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,218
What? But he is.
N't.
282
00:13:41,271 --> 00:13:42,564
My God!
This is a nightmare.
283
00:13:42,588 --> 00:13:44,634
I thought you said
you weren't gonna mess
with my show.
284
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:47,291
It's a small change, Brian.
You won't even notice it.
285
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,055
You guys aren't gonna
fucking believe this.
286
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:52,513
Call a tow truck.
I just banged into
some homo's Prius.
287
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:57,518
This is Rob, our director.
288
00:13:57,587 --> 00:14:00,599
Hey, Brian.
Really looking forward
to making your show.
289
00:14:00,623 --> 00:14:03,057
What's with all
those empty seats?
290
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,787
Well, that's where
the audience is gonna sit.
291
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:07,478
Audience?
This isn't a sitcom.
It's a drama.
292
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,948
Well, we thought
it would be a lot funnier
if it was a sitcom.
293
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,679
It's not
supposed to be funny.
It's a serious drama
294
00:14:13,703 --> 00:14:16,215
about a single father
raising his
four-year-old daughter.
295
00:14:16,239 --> 00:14:18,239
Oh, right.
That's the other thing.
296
00:14:18,307 --> 00:14:20,619
Now, this is
just a thought,
but we're doing it.
297
00:14:20,643 --> 00:14:22,276
She's 18.
What?
298
00:14:22,345 --> 00:14:25,057
It was James Woods' idea
and we thought it was
just the right hook.
299
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:26,714
I mean, how great is that?
300
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:30,184
A father and a daughter,
both in college together?
301
00:14:30,253 --> 00:14:32,403
Hey, do you guys
think this outfit
is too revealing?
302
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:35,390
What do you think, Brian?
I mean, what do you
think of the ta-tas?
303
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:37,525
Can we do better?
I think we can
do better, right?
304
00:14:37,593 --> 00:14:38,670
What?
305
00:14:38,694 --> 00:14:40,561
Look, they are
getting a lot of support
306
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:41,762
from the undergarments
307
00:14:41,831 --> 00:14:43,764
and naked they would be, like,
308
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:45,466
mucho sloppy.
309
00:14:45,535 --> 00:14:47,635
Okay? Like taco
Joe here, bro.
310
00:14:47,703 --> 00:14:49,103
I mean, I'm just...
Like, I mean,
311
00:14:49,172 --> 00:14:51,406
naked they'd be
running away from
each other, okay?
312
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:52,807
I don't...
313
00:14:52,875 --> 00:14:53,886
I don't think
they are playing
for the same team.
314
00:14:53,910 --> 00:14:55,321
Who is this?
Where'd you get this girl?
315
00:14:55,345 --> 00:14:57,645
Oh, by the way,
I need a chimp sidekick.
316
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,647
Maybe we should
take him to the hospital.
317
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,036
I think the maggots have evolved
318
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,972
to the point
that they've developed
space travel.
319
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,989
We just gotta
clean the wound, Meg.
320
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,745
Hand me that scrub brush.
321
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,932
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Dad.
322
00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:23,338
So, question.
How long has Stewie
been unconscious?
323
00:15:23,406 --> 00:15:25,022
Oh, my God!
Chris, he knows!
324
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,224
Dad, I am so sorry.
325
00:15:27,293 --> 00:15:29,927
We should have told somebody,
but we were too scared,
326
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:33,330
and I wanted to
take him to the hospital,
but Chris wouldn't let me.
327
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,482
Good, Chris.
I've taught you well.
328
00:15:35,551 --> 00:15:37,234
You've got the right instincts.
329
00:15:37,303 --> 00:15:39,564
When you were babies,
I used to knock you kids out
every month or so.
330
00:15:39,588 --> 00:15:42,001
Sometimes by accident,
sometimes when
the Patriots lost.
331
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,436
You just gotta cover it up,
and eventually
it all works out.
332
00:15:44,460 --> 00:15:46,043
Meg, this is a list of hats.
333
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,177
I need these by 4:00.
334
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:48,746
Good idea.
335
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:51,694
One of those hats
would have helped him
at the park today.
336
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,951
Chris, did you put
a coonskin cap on Stewie?
337
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,236
No, why?
338
00:15:58,107 --> 00:16:00,474
They look like little robbers.
339
00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:07,364
Hey, good evening, everyone,
and welcome to
the first taping
340
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:10,801
of CBS's new hit comedy,
Class Holes!
341
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,319
Wait a minute.
That's not the title.
342
00:16:14,357 --> 00:16:16,135
It's called
What I Learned onJefferson Street.
343
00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:17,937
Yeah, it didn't
make a lot of sense,
344
00:16:17,961 --> 00:16:19,705
now that he lives
on Boner Street.
345
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,512
And action!
346
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,564
Okay, Hillary, you know the bet.
347
00:16:23,632 --> 00:16:26,833
You have to sleep
with the next guy that
walks through that door.
348
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,102
Got it.
349
00:16:28,438 --> 00:16:29,503
Dad?
350
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:32,473
Hillary?
351
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:34,808
You're in college?
352
00:16:36,112 --> 00:16:38,345
You're my new college roommate?
353
00:16:39,782 --> 00:16:41,449
We're gonna be living together?
354
00:16:42,885 --> 00:16:44,418
In the same dorm?
355
00:16:45,654 --> 00:16:46,920
For the whole year?
356
00:16:48,324 --> 00:16:50,424
With my chimp sidekick?
357
00:16:52,896 --> 00:16:54,144
Brian, they love it.
358
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:56,091
What is this?
This isn't my script.
359
00:16:56,115 --> 00:16:57,192
What the hell did you do to it?
360
00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:58,376
We hired a couple of writers
361
00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:00,029
to come in and punch
it up a little bit.
362
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,947
Brian, we love this project.
363
00:17:01,971 --> 00:17:04,300
Just love it.
But don't ask us
to marry it.
364
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,040
JK, LOL. I might do it.
365
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,676
Gross, no way!
But, maybe.
366
00:17:08,744 --> 00:17:10,544
And I've got great news for you.
367
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,730
We just got an e-mail
from the network heads.
368
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:15,527
They want to
pick up Class Holes
for 22 episodes!
369
00:17:15,551 --> 00:17:16,567
Really?
370
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:17,716
Yeah, aren't you thrilled?
371
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,070
Uh, I'm not sure.
372
00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:23,157
Hey, guys,
the chimp just ripped
the other girl's boob off.
373
00:17:23,226 --> 00:17:25,759
Please tell me
you got that on camera.
374
00:17:31,935 --> 00:17:34,296
Lois, I wish you
hadn't gone through
all this trouble.
375
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,920
Are you kidding?
I'm so excited.
376
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,567
From the first time
I read that script,
377
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,725
I just knew it was
gonna make it on TV.
378
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:41,859
I could see it.
379
00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:44,395
Well, yeah, I mean,
but the real victory
380
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:46,597
is just having
a show make it to TV.
381
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,577
I mean, we almost
don't even need to watch.
382
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,963
Hey, what's the cast
of Two and a Half Men
doing here?
383
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:54,371
Well, you're always
saying our show sucks.
Let's see yours.
384
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,858
Come on, Peter!
Come on, kids!
The show's about to start!
385
00:17:57,927 --> 00:18:00,089
I'm coming.
I was just
getting Stewie.
386
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,330
All right, got the little
guy up from his nap.
387
00:18:02,398 --> 00:18:05,282
Say hello to everyone, Stewie.
388
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:06,583
Aw!
389
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:09,337
Oh, oh, look, everybody.
It's starting.
390
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,024
♪ There was a man
391
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,760
♪ He dropped out
392
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,345
♪ Now he's back
393
00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:19,479
♪ He had a daughter
394
00:18:19,548 --> 00:18:21,432
♪ Now she's in college
with him ♪
395
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,184
What a pain in my class!
396
00:18:32,662 --> 00:18:34,861
It gets better
after the first...
397
00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:37,098
What smells like head?
398
00:18:43,973 --> 00:18:45,923
Well, Dad, I owe you an apology.
399
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,392
You said you'd winthat talent show,and you did.
400
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,527
Now everyone's
doing the Charleston.
401
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:52,596
Not everyone.
402
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,549
Someone's doing The Monkey.
403
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,435
Mr. Nubbins.
Mr. Nubbins.
404
00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,424
Well, if you can't beat them...
405
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,046
So, what'd you guys think?
406
00:19:09,114 --> 00:19:11,315
Not the worst thing
in the world, right?
407
00:19:12,284 --> 00:19:13,434
Oh, ha-ha.
408
00:19:13,503 --> 00:19:15,570
Time for bed, Stewie.
409
00:19:18,274 --> 00:19:20,541
So, really, everybody,
what'd you think?
410
00:19:20,610 --> 00:19:22,026
You want to know what I think?
411
00:19:22,095 --> 00:19:23,661
Well, yeah.
412
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:24,730
You son of a bitch!
413
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:25,874
Oh, my God!
It's a travesty!
414
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,898
Joe, stop it!
And I will kill you!
415
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,745
You bastard!
Come on. Okay,
get him out of here.
416
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:30,813
We hired a sitter for this!
417
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:31,863
Get him out of here.
Come on, Joe.
418
00:19:31,887 --> 00:19:34,638
Guys, keep his anus
above his head.
419
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,001
Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
420
00:19:36,025 --> 00:19:37,703
Okay, careful.
Careful, Peter.
421
00:19:37,727 --> 00:19:39,459
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
422
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:42,463
Look, I'm sure
you're disappointed, Lois,
but it wasn't my fault.
423
00:19:42,532 --> 00:19:45,766
There were so many
people interfering.
Of course it's gonna be bad.
424
00:19:45,835 --> 00:19:48,179
I'm not disappointed
because it was bad.
425
00:19:48,203 --> 00:19:50,571
I'm disappointed
because you sold out.
426
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,923
You had something really
special there, Brian.
427
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,936
You had a vision and
you let them change it
428
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,839
because you didn't
believe in yourself.
429
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,178
Lois, what was I gonna do?
430
00:19:58,247 --> 00:20:00,426
It was either
do it their way
or get canceled.
431
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,850
Well, at least then
you would have
had your integrity.
432
00:20:11,093 --> 00:20:12,376
You guys wanted to see me?
433
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,762
Look, Brian, we're really
excited about the ratings.
434
00:20:14,830 --> 00:20:16,975
We're just
really disappointed
with how low they are.
435
00:20:16,999 --> 00:20:18,494
We did some
testing this morning,
436
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,396
and we think
we've discovered
the problem.
437
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,721
People want something
more real, more grounded.
438
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,718
That's exactly
what I think, too.
439
00:20:25,742 --> 00:20:27,875
We need to get back
to the original script.
440
00:20:27,943 --> 00:20:29,988
Byron wants to do right
by his daughter,
441
00:20:30,012 --> 00:20:31,945
and I think that
everyone can relate to that.
442
00:20:32,014 --> 00:20:34,014
That's what
America wants to see.
443
00:20:34,049 --> 00:20:35,969
The simple love within a family
444
00:20:36,018 --> 00:20:38,202
that conquers all
and makes life worth living.
445
00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:42,540
What if
I'm a cop and the chimp
is my reincarnated partner?
446
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,386
Yes!
That's perfect!
447
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,159
See? That's relatable!
448
00:20:46,228 --> 00:20:47,589
How the hell is that relatable?
449
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:50,514
And maybe, the monkey
is also my roommate.
450
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:53,817
And whenever
I come home at night
and I walk in that door,
451
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,419
what do you think I slip on?
452
00:20:55,487 --> 00:20:56,520
Monkey stool.
453
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,167
Terrific.
454
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:00,602
That's exactly
what would happen.
455
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,459
And every month,
he's got a story
456
00:21:02,528 --> 00:21:04,323
for why he doesn't have
his half of the rent.
457
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,564
I'm not doing this!
458
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:08,294
What do you mean,
you're not doing it?
459
00:21:08,318 --> 00:21:09,633
I'm drawing the line.
460
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,714
I wrote a script
that really meant
a lot to me,
461
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,448
and you guys took
it and turned it
462
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:15,233
into something
cheap and ridiculous.
463
00:21:15,257 --> 00:21:18,175
I've had enough.
I'm not selling out anymore.
I quit.
464
00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:21,840
Do you guys have
a studio lawyer
or something,
465
00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:23,274
'cause, you know,
I fucked that chick,
466
00:21:23,298 --> 00:21:26,033
and I think she is
well under 18 years old.
467
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:30,331
All right, he's not waking up.
468
00:21:30,355 --> 00:21:31,700
I think we gotta
take these bandages off
469
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:33,644
and see what
we're dealing with here.
470
00:21:36,412 --> 00:21:38,695
Oh, crap! You smell that?
That's brain smell.
471
00:21:38,764 --> 00:21:40,431
Okay, I don't care what you say.
472
00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:41,999
He's really hurt,
and I'm gonna do
473
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:43,545
what I should have done
in the first place.
474
00:21:43,569 --> 00:21:44,919
I'm taking him to the hospital.
475
00:21:44,987 --> 00:21:47,387
No, no. I got
one last plan, Meg.
476
00:21:56,766 --> 00:22:01,501
Oh, my God! Stewie! Oh, God!
What have I done?
477
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,286
Looks like you
ran over him, Lois.
478
00:22:03,355 --> 00:22:06,090
Oh, no!
He's unconscious!
479
00:22:06,159 --> 00:22:08,142
Peter, Peter,
we have to cover this up!
480
00:22:08,211 --> 00:22:09,877
Yeah, but... What?
481
00:22:09,946 --> 00:22:11,990
Let's put a hat on him
to cover the wound,
482
00:22:12,014 --> 00:22:14,359
and then let's get some
makeup and draw eyeballs
on his eyelids
483
00:22:14,383 --> 00:22:16,984
and find a way to pin
this on someone else.
484
00:22:17,053 --> 00:22:19,586
I love you so much right now.
485
00:22:19,655 --> 00:22:21,421
Let's go to the hospital.
486
00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:26,388
Well, Brian, I'm proud of you.
487
00:22:26,412 --> 00:22:29,024
You went in there
and you stood up for
what you believed in.
488
00:22:29,048 --> 00:22:31,132
Yeah, now I don't
have a TV show anymore.
489
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,083
Who cares about that?
490
00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:35,430
You made the right choice
for your own integrity,
491
00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:36,953
and that's what matters.
492
00:22:37,023 --> 00:22:38,739
Well, I suppose you're right.
493
00:22:38,808 --> 00:22:40,841
And hey, at least I got
something on the air.
494
00:22:40,910 --> 00:22:42,509
I mean, not everyone
can say that.
495
00:22:44,046 --> 00:22:46,230
We now return to Big Jaws.
496
00:22:47,917 --> 00:22:50,301
Stop eating our boat, Jaws!
497
00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:51,936
I'm gonna eat your boat,
498
00:22:52,004 --> 00:22:53,598
and then I'm gonna eat you guys!
499
00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:56,473
Oh, my God! What's that?
500
00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:58,092
It's Bigger Jaws!
501
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,144
Oh, my God! Now we have
a common enemy.
502
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,461
We have to work together.
503
00:23:01,547 --> 00:23:02,841
I already got a sequel in mind.
504
00:23:02,865 --> 00:23:04,642
It's called Way Bigger Jaws.
505
00:23:04,666 --> 00:23:07,317
Hey, I just found out
it's November!
506
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:09,219
What the fuck happened?
507
00:23:46,558 --> 00:23:47,638
ENGLISH - US - LINE 2137989
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