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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,538
It seems today
that all you see.
2
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:07,975
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:11,345
But where are those
good old-fashioned values.
4
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:14,382
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,651
Lucky there's a family guy.
6
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:21,389
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,057
All the things that make us.
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,725
Laugh and cry.
9
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:30,098
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,170
Okay, I'm off.
11
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,871
Well, we knew
this day would come.
12
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,607
Good luck wherever
you wind up.
13
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,175
Take care, buddy.
Call if you want.
14
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,743
If not, take care
of yourself.
15
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,945
I'm just going away
for a few days.
16
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,248
Oh.
Oh, okay.
17
00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,150
Yeah, there's a seminar
on creating...
18
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:51,185
Really? It would be that easy
for you?
19
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:52,886
What? You thought
I was leaving forever
20
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,188
and you just said,
"Good luck"?
21
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,589
What the hell
was that?
22
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,467
Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.
23
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,460
You're just leaving
for a few days.
24
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,438
What do you want, a parade?
You know what? Never mind.
25
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,364
Look, Brian,
face it, you're a dog.
26
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,733
The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry
27
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,536
extended from our family,
not by any legality.
28
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,371
Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,
29
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,948
you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.
30
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,674
And we're prepared
for that.
31
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:16,677
Yeah, so there's this seminar
32
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,488
in New Haven on creating your
own Web-based Internet series.
33
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:20,448
Sounds like it could be
right up my alley.
34
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,516
Is this another one
of those classes
35
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,894
where you make the checks out
directly to the teacher's name?
36
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,554
Feel good about that?
37
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,622
Feel good
about what you just said?
38
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:29,890
You gonna go, Brian,
39
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,759
or should I get
the can of pennies?
40
00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,502
Guys, I got
some great news!
41
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:42,970
My dad's coming
to visit.
42
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,705
Hide the women!
43
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,774
So, we're finally
gonna get to meet
44
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,142
the man of
a thousand chicks.
45
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,611
That's right. You think
I've been with a lot of broads.
46
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,780
My dad's had more pie
than Kirstie Alley.
47
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,582
What?!
48
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,184
Anyway, the navy
is honoring him
49
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,318
at this year's
naval ball
50
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,086
for all his bravery
in Vietnam.
51
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,121
Wow, you must be proud.
52
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:04,091
Sure am. He was like a hero
to me when I was growing up.
53
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,593
You know who was my hero?
54
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:09,029
Aquaman... and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.
55
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,365
Wow, you saved our lives,
Aquaman!
56
00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,234
Just doing my job.
57
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,237
Arthur Curry!
58
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,305
Did you see Aquaman?
59
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,572
He was just here!
60
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,441
Oh, darn,
I must've missed him.
61
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,343
We forgot
to tell him thanks.
62
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:25,213
Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.
63
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,722
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
64
00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,624
Dad, they're here!
65
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,759
At ease, ladies.
66
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,295
Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?
67
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,230
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot.
68
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:44,798
Guys, watch this.
69
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,702
Are you ready, boots?
70
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,339
Start walking!
71
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,481
Ha! That's my dad!
72
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:03,584
No one dances like Lieutenant
Commander Dan Quagmire.
73
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,118
Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
74
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,420
Joe and Peter!
75
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,088
Which one are you?
Peter, sir.
76
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,090
Look at you. You're a
chowhound, aren't ya, Pete?
77
00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:12,260
Don't want to get behind you
in the mess hall, huh?
78
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:13,994
No, sir.
No, you don't, sir.
79
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,296
I'd stand and salute you, sir,
80
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,298
but this is the best I can do.
81
00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:19,967
I'll take it.
82
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,978
And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.
83
00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:23,704
Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time
84
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,973
you had to eject from your
plane behind enemy lines.
85
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,409
And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.
86
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:29,810
This sailor needs a cosmo.
87
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,545
A cosmo?
88
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,681
Hey, it's got to be 5:00
somewhere, right?
89
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,361
Okay, fine. I'll make
you one; You tell a story.
90
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,052
He can be such
a nudge.
91
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:41,164
So, anyhoo, I remember
that day like it was yesterday.
92
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:42,723
I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,
93
00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:45,201
the first one I ever got over
there that looked like anything.
94
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,927
So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.
95
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,305
And, of course, it's
the day of all days
96
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,097
I have to put on a helmet.
97
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,633
I remember the sky was
a majestic orange.
98
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,611
The breeze was just warm
enough that you could wear
99
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,570
short sleeves,
but you know, not so warm
100
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:59,239
that you break any
kind of a sweat.
101
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:01,117
Because let me tell you,
I do hate to perspire.
102
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,986
So anyway I just bit the bullet
and put on my helmet...
103
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:05,279
Oh, sorry, that's
my auto spell correct.
104
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,415
But, uh, yeah,
he's super gay.
105
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:13,621
Brian, it's so boring here.
106
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,188
When are you coming back?
107
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,724
I'll be back soon, Stewie.
108
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,302
And I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.
109
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,793
I'm really learning a lot.
110
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,638
I'll tell you all about it
when I get home, okay?
111
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,607
I'll talk to you later.
Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!
112
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,733
There was, um, something else
I wanted to tell you.
113
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,401
What?
114
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,338
Um, the mail came a little later
than usual today.
115
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,639
Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.
116
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,374
Ooh, wait, hang on, hang on!
117
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:37,077
Did I tell you about...
that over there?
118
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,188
Stewie, I can't physically see
what you're pointing at.
119
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,481
I'm getting off now. Bye.
120
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,049
Well, your loss, Brian.
121
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,560
That thing over there
is pretty interesting.
122
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:46,487
Huh? An alien
in a grass skirt
123
00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:47,821
juggling torches.
124
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,590
Yeah.
125
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,360
All right, you're
all done. Go.
126
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,228
Come on, Stewie.
Time for bed.
127
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,331
Oh, get a job!
128
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,599
Peter, what are
you doing home?
129
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,401
I thought you'd be
out on the town
130
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:01,669
with Quagmire
and his dad.
131
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,270
Lois, you're not gonna
believe this.
132
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:05,473
Quagmire's dad's gay.
133
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,541
What? Quagmire never said
anything about that.
134
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,042
I don't think he knows.
135
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,644
It's like he doesn't
even notice it.
136
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,546
Really? Well, then how
do you know he's gay?
137
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:13,747
And a lot of
little things:
138
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,516
The way he talks,
his mannerisms,
139
00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:18,251
and he had the complete
DVD set of Sex and the City
140
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,318
between his butt cheeks.
141
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,253
Peter, no, he didn't!
142
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,622
No. He had
the DVD set.
143
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,057
I was just being colorful
with the rest of it.
144
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,360
Well, maybe you should go
talk to Glenn about it.
145
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,295
I mean, especially
if he has no idea.
146
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,063
I guess I could,
but I don't know
147
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:32,400
if it'll do any good, Lois;
He's in complete denial,
148
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,134
like people
in massive debt.
149
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,470
Well, honey, I've
extended our line of credit
150
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:38,372
and exhausted
all our savings.
151
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,207
We should be good
for another month.
152
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,274
Oh, that's great,
honey.
153
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,810
What are we gonna do
next month?
154
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,045
Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do:
155
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,147
Shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.
156
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:49,717
I'm gonna hold you
to that.
157
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,052
I don't think you'll have
any control over it.
158
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,626
Hey, Peter,
how you doing?
159
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,794
Hey, Quagmire.
Um, is your dad around?
160
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,330
Oh, he's off at his
stitch n' bitch club.
161
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,832
I'm glad you stopped by, though,
162
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,100
My dad wanted me to tell you
he would be thrilled
163
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,870
if you and Lois would join us
as his guests at the naval ball.
164
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,605
Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.
165
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:14,341
Um... hey, remember when
we met him the other day,
166
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,976
and he danced for a while?
167
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,678
Oh, yeah, that was
so funny, man!
168
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,447
No, it, it wasn't
funny. Oh, my God.
169
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:20,848
He's hilarious,
that guy.
170
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,750
It wasn't funny. It
wasn't funny. It was gay.
171
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,753
What?
172
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,888
Yeah, I think
that your father is gay.
173
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,557
Gay?!
174
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:30,824
We-we should
all be so gay!
175
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,726
Quagmire,
don't you see it?
176
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,462
See what? I'll tell
you what I'm seeing.
177
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,029
You're jealous!
178
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,065
Yeah, your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.
179
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,800
Look, you'll see.
180
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,570
At the navy ball, you'll see
how much of a man he is
181
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,436
and how everyone in the military
respects him.
182
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,583
Look at this, Dad.
183
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,160
All of these people came out
just to honor you.
184
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:59,487
Oh, it feels good, son;
I won't lie to you.
185
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:00,553
Dan Quagmire!
186
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,322
Wally!
Good to see you.
187
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:03,390
This my son Glenn.
188
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:04,858
Nice to meet
you, Glenn.
189
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,460
You should be very
proud of your dad.
190
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:07,728
Oh, I am, sir.
191
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,038
It was an honor
to serve with him.
192
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,764
Come on, Dan,
let's get a drink.
193
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,165
Huh. It's great
to see you
194
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,634
back in your
element tonight;
195
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:14,935
Surrounded by seamen.
196
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:16,403
"Seamen."
197
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:17,681
See, Quagmire?
I told you he's gay.
198
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,006
Shut up, Peter!
199
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:21,008
Hey, you Dan's boy?
That's right.
200
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:23,110
Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.
201
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,612
He flew supplies in
202
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:25,855
where others wouldn't
dare to go.
203
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,648
I can't tell you
how many loads
204
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,983
you dad took when I
served with him. Huh?
205
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,952
Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.
206
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:33,721
Everyone here
admires your dad.
207
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,489
He'd walk into
an army barracks
208
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,491
and make every private there
feel important.
209
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,793
Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.
210
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,028
Oh, God!
211
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,896
Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.
212
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,108
Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.
213
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,067
Your dad once drank
me under the table.
214
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,037
If there was one man you wanted
in your hole, it was your dad.
215
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:51,823
Your dad had the best
penis in the military.
216
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,473
Okay, just stop, stop!
217
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:54,942
Everybody stop!
218
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,644
Dad...
219
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,979
are you gay?
220
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:00,213
What?
221
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,582
Are you gay, Dad?!
222
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,483
No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
223
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:04,852
Just, just tell me the truth!
224
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,286
I am telling you the truth.
225
00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:07,731
Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.
226
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,356
You know how much I love balls.
227
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,067
All right, come on now!
That's not helping!
228
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:14,662
Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.
229
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,864
You promise?
230
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,331
I promise.
231
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,801
All right, I believe you.
232
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,170
But I am a woman trapped
in a man's body.
233
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,605
And while I'm in Quahog,
234
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,174
I plan to have
a sex-change operation.
235
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,176
Oh, come on.
236
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,578
Just be gay.
237
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,750
Hey, guys,
you got a minute?
238
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,218
Hey,
what's up, buddy?
239
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,688
It's, um,
it's about my dad.
240
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,624
He... he wants to have
a sex-change operation.
241
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,425
Whoa! I knew he was gay.
242
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:46,994
I didn't think
he was that gay.
243
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,696
No, no, Peter,
he's not gay.
244
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,130
He's a woman stuck
in a man's body.
245
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,198
Yeah, gay.
246
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,165
It's totally different!
247
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:53,232
Sounds the same.
248
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,334
Well, it's not!
249
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:55,736
Okay, so he wants
to be a woman
250
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:56,870
so he can
be a lesbian?
251
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,171
No, he'd date men.
252
00:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,007
Gay. Gay. Yeah, gay.
253
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,242
Okay, this is not the
help I came over here for.
254
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,544
Well, look, let's just all
agree that he's odd, huh?
255
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:07,948
He has an appointment Friday
with Dr. Hartman
256
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,751
to have the procedure,
and he wants me to go with him.
257
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,820
I-I just, I don't know
if I can handle that.
258
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,055
Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy
259
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,857
to come along
for moral support.
260
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,726
All right, but look,
here's the deal:
261
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,994
Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home for Brian.
262
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,562
That's very green
of you, Peter.
263
00:09:22,630 --> 00:09:23,864
What?
I don't know.
264
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,733
Lois, that doesn't make
any sense at all.
265
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,143
Yeah, it's something
I heard on TV.
266
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,036
I don't know.
Have fun at the circus.
267
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:36,243
I wonder how long
it's gonna take.
268
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,711
I don't know.
269
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,412
Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?
270
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,948
We should put on
some '80s music,
271
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,334
and then, like,
every few minutes,
272
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:43,851
have him come
out of there
273
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,019
as a different sex,
and we'll go...
274
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,955
And then like the fifth
or sixth sex,
275
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,823
we'll go like this...
276
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,892
This is not a joke,
Peter, okay?!
277
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,727
They're cutting off
his penis in there!
278
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,062
All right, all right.
279
00:09:55,128 --> 00:09:57,064
I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!
280
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,732
Okay, okay.
281
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,701
What are you
gonna name it, huh?
282
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:01,969
What are you
gonna name
283
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,303
your he/she
father/mother?
284
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,604
Knock it off!
285
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:08,441
Wow! That thing was on there.
286
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,443
How is he, Doc?
Is he all right?
287
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,145
No, I'm afraid not.
288
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,982
But she's gonna be just fine!
289
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,657
Oh, my God!
290
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,325
What do you think, boys!
291
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:30,363
I'm walking on
sunshine, whoa-oa!
292
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:38,906
Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his da... h-his mo...
293
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,908
His friend are coming
over soon for dinner.
294
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,776
So, remember, Chris,
no staring.
295
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,712
And, Meg, you know
how it is
296
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,413
to be different,
so be very nice.
297
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,784
Well, hi, you guys.
298
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,186
I'm so glad you
could come over.
299
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:56,423
Everyone, I'd like you
to meet Ida.
300
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,991
Hello,
everyone.
301
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,426
Hello, Ida.
What's up?
302
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,928
I made a crumble.
303
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,095
Oh, how thoughtful.
304
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:05,866
Throw it away
in the outside garbage.
305
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,972
Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.
306
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,107
I'll say it. So, Ida,
you miss your penis?
307
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,476
Peter!
Thank you for asking it.
308
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:19,446
Geez. No, it's okay, it's a
perfectly normal question.
309
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,949
We can't sit here and just
pretend everything's the same.
310
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,217
It is a big transition
for me, yes.
311
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,319
But the answer is,
I still have it.
312
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,521
They just turn it inside out
to simulate a vagina.
313
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:29,890
Come on, Dad...
314
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:31,691
Not a bad option
to have in the back pocket.
315
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,794
So, Lois, w-what
is this meal?
316
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,662
Wow... so good.
317
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:36,830
Oh, thank you, Glenn.
318
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,031
It's nothing fancy.
319
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,833
Just chicken
with rosemary.
320
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,969
But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.
321
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,170
Yeah, we went down the list.
322
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:44,647
Nothing with wieners,
nuts, or grapes.
323
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,006
Out of respect.
324
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,208
Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.
325
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:49,609
Where do you buy
your clothes?
326
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,244
Oh, how sweet.
327
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,880
Well, I love Anne Klein.
328
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:54,014
Oh, I'll have
to try them.
329
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,816
I like the outfit
you have on.
330
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,450
Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?
331
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,888
Wow, you just burned your
last friend in this room, lady.
332
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,555
This corn is special.
333
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:03,767
So tell me about
those knockers.
334
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:04,925
Are we... are tho...
335
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,860
Is that just like,
r... implants
336
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,062
or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?
337
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:10,730
All right, I'm out of here.
338
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,035
I wonder if I could
push mine inside.
339
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,905
Oh, my God, it worked.
It's gone.
340
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,411
I can't believe...
Oh, no, it's back.
341
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,082
Well, that was quite
a performance.
342
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,551
My performance?
What about you?
343
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,986
"Golly, Lois,
where do you shop?
344
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:34,163
"Gee, your house
looks beautiful.
345
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,467
Hey, I have
an inside-out penis."
346
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,122
I never said their
house looks beautiful.
347
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:38,391
Because, frankly,
it didn't.
348
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,594
My dad, my dad,
talking about decorating
349
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,230
and women's clothing?
350
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,632
All I've talked about for years
with these people
351
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,267
is what a war hero you were.
352
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,468
And I was.
353
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,403
I'm changing my future,
not my past.
354
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:53,340
Oh, yeah?
What about my future, huh?
355
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,042
I don't even know
what to call you.
356
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,310
My dad? My other mother?
357
00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,047
My friend who pees sitting down
but can also palm a basketball?
358
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,182
What about Ida?
Oh, no.
359
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:04,985
Man, you know,
this is too hard.
360
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:07,187
You know, you're asking me
to accept an awful lot.
361
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,990
I... I... I don't know
if I can do this.
362
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,959
I understand.
363
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,361
I had the advantage of thinking
about this for years.
364
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,930
For me it was easy:
Do I want to be happy
365
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,365
the rest of my life
or miserable?
366
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,433
So now you're happy
and I'm miserable.
367
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,269
I see.
368
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,304
I'm sorry you feel that way.
369
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,948
Oh, boy, nice
to be back home.
370
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:37,017
Those seminars
can wear you out.
371
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,654
Wow, did you say
"Web-based Internet series"?
372
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,892
No.
Oh, my bad.
373
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,960
Great... idea...
for one.
374
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,195
Where am I taking
you again?
375
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,030
You know what?
Drop me off at the Marriott.
376
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:51,531
I could use a drink.
377
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,037
Jack on the
rocks, please.
378
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,910
Hey, here's to exciting new
opportunities on the Internet.
379
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,081
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
380
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:09,616
Oh, no, it's not you.
381
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,651
I-I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.
382
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,020
You know, kids.
383
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:16,356
Ah. Does not... come...
with a manual.
384
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,302
So, wha... you're doing
something with the Internet?
385
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:20,793
I am, I am.
386
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,130
Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.
387
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,764
Wow, I could
never be a writer.
388
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,266
How do you do it?
389
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,368
Well, you see,
when I watch the world go by,
390
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,737
I think of it kind of
like a huge screen.
391
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,040
You know, every little
interaction, every little moment
392
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:35,943
is another scene captured
by this camera.
393
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,644
That's fascinating.
394
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,811
Oh, yeah.
395
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,780
Brian.
Ida.
396
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,050
Two more, please.
397
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,152
So I finally tell them,
398
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,655
"Hey, I came here to be
at the seminar, not run it."
399
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,693
That's... oh.
400
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,971
You know,
we are in a hotel.
401
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,706
And I'm in room 406.
402
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,908
Go on ahead,
I'll settle up.
403
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,613
Put it on 406.
404
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,120
Well, look who's home.
Hey, buddy.
405
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,754
How was the seminar?
406
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,923
Oh, it was terrific.
The first day we were there...
407
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:26,859
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after good or bad.
408
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,061
You know what?
Fine.
409
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,705
Y-You guys are not gonna
get to me this morning.
410
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,131
I am in too good a mood.
411
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:34,134
I met an amazing woman;
Finally, the whole package.
412
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:35,835
Oh, you met her
at the seminar?
413
00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:38,605
No, that's just it... it was
right here in town last night.
414
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:41,108
She's a classy,
smart, beautiful lady.
415
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,775
Look, I took a
picture of her.
416
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:44,111
See.
417
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:54,021
Wha... i-i-is...?
418
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,992
Here, Lois, take a look.
419
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,964
Oh, my God!
420
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:07,667
This is the best
day of my life!
421
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:10,379
You know what?
You're just jealous
422
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,505
'cause I found a real woman.
423
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,745
Oh, hey, Brian.
424
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,013
Hey.
425
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,015
Not to worry,
I called in,
426
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,722
and a new cell phone should be
here for you in three business days.
427
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,553
What? Why? Well,
clearly, yours is broken.
428
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:28,021
Because I haven't
heard from you.
429
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,689
I wanted to tell
you about my week.
430
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,324
God... doesn't anyone
in this house
431
00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:33,060
care about anyone
but themselves?
432
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,366
Hey, Brian,
how was the seminar?
433
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,528
Meg, please.
434
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,130
I'm serious, Stewie.
435
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:39,499
I have had an amazing
few days and nobody cares.
436
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,168
Oh, come on in.
Come on in.
437
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:42,835
Tell old Stew.
438
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,072
Okay, well, first, the
seminar was terrific.
439
00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:46,606
I absorbed so much.
440
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,408
And then I get back here
last night,
441
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,343
and I meet an incredible woman.
442
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,450
You know, I've heard the phrase
soul mate for years,
443
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,581
and I never got it
till last night.
444
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:58,285
Well, I've got a woman story for
you that you're not gonna believe.
445
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,154
Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero,
446
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:05,092
Lieutenant Commander
Dan Quagmire, is now a woman.
447
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,259
You're kidding.
448
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,361
No. Total sex change.
449
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:10,363
That is hysterical.
I know, huh?
450
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,532
Suck on that, Quagmire.
451
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:16,203
Yeah, it's, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.
452
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,047
Oh, my God, what...
Wha-what does it look like?
453
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:19,306
You know, not half bad.
454
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,241
Nothing you'd look
twice at, but not bad.
455
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,548
Oh, my God, that... you know,
that is a tough road ahead.
456
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,345
I mean, like,
what do those people do
457
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:27,880
as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?
458
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,549
I don't know.
459
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,951
I mean, it's got to be
a train wreck down there, right?
460
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:33,996
I mean, just-just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.
461
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:36,489
Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.
462
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,234
No. They had a fight;
She's staying at the Marriott.
463
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:39,759
Aw, damn, I was just there.
Really?
464
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:42,295
Yeah, maybe I saw him in the
lobby and didn't even know.
465
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,231
Oh, no, you'd know.
466
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:45,865
Aw, man, what-what
do we call him now?
467
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,367
We... do we still
call him Dan?
468
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,236
No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.
469
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,646
What is it...
like Danielle or Dana?
470
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,838
No, Ida.
471
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,087
Oh, what?! What the hell?!
What's wrong with you?!
472
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:42,689
I had sex with her!
What?!
473
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,657
I had sex with her
at the Marriott!
474
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:45,992
Aah, why?!
475
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,860
I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!
476
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:51,364
Oh, my God!
477
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,509
How does this happen?!
When they move to a new place,
478
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,543
they're supposed to notify
the neighborhood!
479
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,336
That's how it works!
480
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,371
He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!
481
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,251
Oh, Dad, I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?
482
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:15,655
Listen, I... I feel awful about
the things I said last night.
483
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,390
I was selfish.
484
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,025
Aw, you weren't selfish.
485
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,261
I realize I put
a lot on you.
486
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,729
I was wrong
to just assume
487
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:25,332
that you would understand
and be able to accept this.
488
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:29,502
But, trust me, I had been
unhappy for a long, long time.
489
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,806
Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.
490
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:35,575
You're my dad.
491
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,977
And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.
492
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,646
I'm sorry, Dad.
493
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:40,813
I love you.
494
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,649
I love you, too, Glenn.
495
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:45,818
Glenn?
496
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,086
Sorry, sorry.
497
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,688
Damn thing can't
tell the difference.
498
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,425
Oh, dear...
499
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,228
Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,
500
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:56,729
I have some news.
501
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:57,864
Tell me. Tell me.
502
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,232
I met someone.
503
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,467
What? You did?
504
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,001
Oh, my God, Glenn,
he's amazing.
505
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,303
I couldn't be happier.
506
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,471
Really? What's his name?
507
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,308
No!
508
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,458
Where is he?!
509
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,827
Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?!
510
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,765
Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!
511
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,267
You're dead!
512
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:56,088
If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,
513
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:57,490
I'll blow your head off!
514
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,993
Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!
515
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:05,865
Hey.
516
00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:09,969
I your dad.37376
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