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1
00:00:01,730 --> 00:00:05,060
ś It seems today
that all you see ś
2
00:00:05,070 --> 00:00:08,370
ś Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ś
3
00:00:08,370 --> 00:00:12,170
ś But where are those
good old-fashioned values ś
4
00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:15,040
ś On which we used to rely? ś
5
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:18,170
ś Lucky there's a family guy ś
6
00:00:18,180 --> 00:00:22,080
ś Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ś
7
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,010
ś All the things that make us ś
8
00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:25,280
ś Laugh and cry ś
9
00:00:25,290 --> 00:00:31,530
ś He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ś
10
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:37,760
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
11
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:40,040
Our top story tonight,
scientists at NASA
12
00:00:40,030 --> 00:00:41,730
have made a fascinating
new discovery:
13
00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:44,680
the first directly observable
instance of a black hole,
14
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:47,800
which appears to be located
just outside our solar system.
15
00:00:47,810 --> 00:00:49,240
Tricia Takanawa
has the story.
16
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:53,010
Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,
17
00:00:53,010 --> 00:00:55,110
the first white
man I've ever met
18
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:56,760
who knows math
better than me.
19
00:00:56,750 --> 00:01:00,250
Mr. Hawking, what does the
discovery of this black hole
20
00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:02,020
mean to you and
your research?
21
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,620
(computerized voice):
I am overjoyed.
22
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:07,260
This is the crowning
achievement of my career.
23
00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:11,090
It validates the work
of a lifetime.
24
00:01:11,100 --> 00:01:12,760
It certainly does.
25
00:01:12,770 --> 00:01:13,810
Back to you, Tom.
26
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:14,730
MAN: All right,
we're clear.
27
00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,080
(normal voice):
I'm telling you, man,
28
00:01:16,070 --> 00:01:17,600
this shtick is
getting so old.
29
00:01:17,610 --> 00:01:18,640
That chair smells, dude.
30
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,270
MAN:
Hey, Steve, surf's up!
31
00:01:20,270 --> 00:01:23,570
All right!
See you, bitch!
32
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,940
Everyone, guess what.
33
00:01:25,950 --> 00:01:26,720
What?
34
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:29,310
I have been selected.
35
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:29,860
For what?
36
00:01:29,850 --> 00:01:33,150
Oh, nothing too important,
just jury duty!
37
00:01:33,150 --> 00:01:34,220
They have summoned me.
38
00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:36,920
I am part of an elite group
of individuals
39
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,650
deemed intelligent enough
to decide
40
00:01:38,660 --> 00:01:41,220
the fate of a fellow citizen.
41
00:01:41,830 --> 00:01:42,830
(laughs)
42
00:01:42,830 --> 00:01:45,090
Ah, the amused laughter
of the envious.
43
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:48,600
You know, they don't just
pick anybody for this job.
44
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:49,160
Yeah, they do.
45
00:01:49,170 --> 00:01:50,930
Brian, perhaps I have not
made myself clear.
46
00:01:50,940 --> 00:01:54,140
I have been entrusted
to pass judgment upon others.
47
00:01:54,140 --> 00:01:57,670
Everybody gets called for
jury duty, you stupid idiot!
48
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:58,310
I've been called!
49
00:01:58,310 --> 00:02:00,040
The only reason you've
never been called
50
00:02:00,050 --> 00:02:01,790
is that they use the
voter registration list,
51
00:02:01,780 --> 00:02:04,680
and this past election is the
first time you ever voted.
52
00:02:04,690 --> 00:02:05,320
I voted before.
53
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,180
I stuffed the ballot box
at the Oscars.
54
00:02:07,190 --> 00:02:11,700
And the nominees for Best Actor
in a Leading Role are:
55
00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:14,820
Grover, Bluto from Popeye,
56
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,260
a red guy, a boob
57
00:02:17,260 --> 00:02:18,960
and Daniel Day Lewis.
58
00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:21,110
And the Oscar goes to...
59
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:24,630
a red guy!
(cheering, orchestra playing)
60
00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:28,250
Wait a second.
Y-You're saying that
61
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,310
everyone is asked
to do jury duty?
62
00:02:31,310 --> 00:02:32,210
Yes, Peter.
63
00:02:32,210 --> 00:02:34,280
So then, I'm not special?
64
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,010
TOMMY LEE:
Everyone's special, Peter.
65
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:38,060
Rock Drummer
Tommy Lee?!
66
00:02:38,050 --> 00:02:40,820
And if your wife ever tells you
that you're not special,
67
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:43,220
punch her really hard
right in her hepatitis.
68
00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:45,120
Thanks, Rock
Drummer Tommy Lee!
69
00:02:45,130 --> 00:02:47,000
Hey, and you know
what else is cool?
70
00:02:46,990 --> 00:02:48,960
Having sex
with sunglasses on.
71
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:52,090
I've got a lot of
things to try now!
72
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:56,980
I don't want
to go to jury duty.
73
00:02:56,970 --> 00:02:59,700
Turns out it's not a special
honor at all. It's lame.
74
00:02:59,710 --> 00:03:01,750
And the worst part is,
they try and trick you
75
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,010
into getting excited
by putting "duty" in the title.
76
00:03:04,010 --> 00:03:05,370
So, you were excited
when you thought
77
00:03:05,380 --> 00:03:07,210
there was fecal
matter involved?
78
00:03:07,210 --> 00:03:08,840
What the hell
is fecal matter?
79
00:03:08,850 --> 00:03:09,850
Waste.
Huh?
80
00:03:09,850 --> 00:03:10,510
Doody.
Ha-ha!
81
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,360
Peter, jury duty is an
important cornerstone
82
00:03:13,350 --> 00:03:14,380
in our democratic
society.
83
00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:16,850
Yeah, that's what separates us
from the monkeys.
84
00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:18,960
That and the armed guards
at the zoo.
85
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:21,490
Man, they got some
sexy monkeys down there.
86
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,800
I don't care,
jury duty sounds boring.
87
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,200
I'm gonna get myself kicked out.
88
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,430
Just like I got
kicked out of Coldplay.
89
00:03:27,430 --> 00:03:29,730
Guys, guys, I got an idea!
90
00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:33,910
How 'bout we do a song
that's not whiny bull crap?
91
00:03:36,610 --> 00:03:37,870
All right, ladies
and gentlemen.
92
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,480
We're gonna ask you a series
of questions to determine
93
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,050
whether or not you can
be impartial jurors.
94
00:03:43,050 --> 00:03:45,580
First off, do any of
you have any prejudices
95
00:03:45,590 --> 00:03:47,990
you feel the court
should know of?
96
00:03:47,990 --> 00:03:49,280
Yes, you sir.
97
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:50,320
Ants. I hate ants.
98
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,490
What?
That's right, you heard me.
99
00:03:52,490 --> 00:03:53,160
I'm an ant hater.
100
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,420
Just like my daddy
and his daddy before him.
101
00:03:55,430 --> 00:03:57,790
So, if this is
an ant trial, forget it.
102
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,130
No way I'm gonna be fair.
103
00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:01,360
Always making those
cocky little hills.
104
00:04:01,370 --> 00:04:03,900
Moving around
all single file and stupid.
105
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:08,400
All ganging up and walking
my pie off the picnic blanket.
106
00:04:11,810 --> 00:04:12,440
(gasps)
107
00:04:12,450 --> 00:04:15,190
'Twas my pie gone missing!
108
00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:17,110
Sir, this is not
an ant trial.
109
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:17,860
Oh.
110
00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:19,520
Is there anything else
we should know about?
111
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,520
Oh, have you not heard?
Heard what?
112
00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:22,620
ś A well-a-bird-bird-bird ś
113
00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:25,150
ś B-Bird's the word,
a well-a-bird-bird-bird ś
114
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,390
ś B-Bird's the word,
a well-a... ś
115
00:04:28,630 --> 00:04:31,430
All right, now the prosecution
is about to show you
116
00:04:31,430 --> 00:04:32,930
items pertinent to this case
117
00:04:32,930 --> 00:04:33,900
that have been entered
into evidence.
118
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:37,000
It is vitally important
that you look but don't touch,
119
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,330
as any fingerprints
could contaminate them.
120
00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:41,940
Exhibit A, one
bloody Slinky.
121
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:42,600
(sighs):
Oh.
122
00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:45,570
Exhibit B, one semen-covered
View-Master.
123
00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:46,580
(sighs louder):
Oh!
124
00:04:46,580 --> 00:04:48,810
With the reel of
the Grand Canyon.
125
00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:50,020
(sighs louder):
Oh!
126
00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:52,520
And a blood-splattered
Mr. Potato Head.
127
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:53,850
(sighs louder):
Oh!
128
00:04:53,850 --> 00:04:55,550
And these socks
you really need.
129
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:57,730
(groans):
Oh!
130
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,420
All right, everyone, we're going
to take a ten-minute recess.
131
00:05:01,430 --> 00:05:03,830
I would like to remind members
of the jury that you are
132
00:05:03,830 --> 00:05:07,600
forbidden to discuss details of
the case outside the courtroom.
133
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,200
(gavel bangs)
134
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:13,050
PETER:
Hey, how about
this trial, huh?
135
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,440
And all its details.
Let's discuss them.
136
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,210
MAN:
He said not to!
137
00:05:16,210 --> 00:05:18,110
PETER:
Aw, hey, you know
how the judge told us
138
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:19,810
not to make up
our minds beforehand?
139
00:05:19,810 --> 00:05:20,840
Let's make up our minds.
140
00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:21,710
MAN:
Griffin, shut up!
141
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:22,960
PETER:
Hey, I know the judge said
142
00:05:22,950 --> 00:05:24,580
not to run in the hall,
but check this out!
143
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:27,260
(rapid footsteps,
Peter giggling)
144
00:05:30,490 --> 00:05:31,920
JUDGE:
Griffin! Knock it off!
145
00:05:31,930 --> 00:05:34,170
PETER:
Hey, come on, Judge,
tell us the answer.
146
00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,830
The Mexican guy
did it, right?
147
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:42,470
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to How Henry
Kissinger Met Your Mother.
148
00:05:42,470 --> 00:05:45,330
(German accent):
I was walking with my professor
149
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:48,240
when I saw this
woman who was...
150
00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:50,970
(speaking gibberish)
151
00:05:50,980 --> 00:05:52,540
(canned laughter)
152
00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:56,360
(speaking gibberish)
153
00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:58,250
(canned laughter)
154
00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:01,520
(speaking gibberish)
155
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,390
(canned laughter)
156
00:06:03,390 --> 00:06:05,250
Stewie, can you please move?
157
00:06:05,260 --> 00:06:06,160
You're blocking the TV.
158
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,090
No! And I'll thank
you to quiet down.
159
00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:09,070
I'm playing
action figures.
160
00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:11,360
Prepare to be bested
on the battlefield, Lion-O.
161
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:13,140
Oh, I don't think so, He-Man.
162
00:06:13,130 --> 00:06:13,560
Ow!
163
00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:15,170
Oh, I'm sorry,
did I punch you too hard?
164
00:06:15,170 --> 00:06:17,170
Yes, I suppose you don't know
your own strength.
165
00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:18,170
I mean, look at your muscles.
166
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:20,040
Oh, stop it, you're the one
with the sick abs.
167
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,140
God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.
168
00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:24,070
Yeah, that's right.
169
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,620
You buy your kids
ridiculously homoerotic dolls
170
00:06:26,610 --> 00:06:27,680
and then ask what happened?
171
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,650
Yep. Your gay son
is on you, buddy.
172
00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:32,010
Explain that to your god.
173
00:06:32,020 --> 00:06:34,620
Off to another day
of jury duty, sweetie?
174
00:06:34,620 --> 00:06:35,550
Yeah, and it sucks.
175
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,360
Even the vending machines
are out of order.
176
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,460
(snickering)
177
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:43,030
I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.
178
00:06:43,030 --> 00:06:45,260
There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.
179
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,540
This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.
180
00:06:47,530 --> 00:06:49,630
NASA has made
the alarming announcement
181
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,110
that the newly discovered
black hole
182
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:54,070
at the edge of our solar system
appears to be expanding.
183
00:06:54,070 --> 00:06:56,270
Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,
184
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,620
and scientists estimate
that the event horizon
185
00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,180
will reach Earth by tomorrow.
186
00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:01,080
That's right, Tom.
187
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,510
Which means that
all life on Earth
188
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,090
will be destroyed
within 24 hours.
189
00:07:05,090 --> 00:07:06,630
Oh, my God!
190
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,080
Mom, is, is this for real?
191
00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:10,990
Well, it sure looks
that way, sweetie.
192
00:07:10,990 --> 00:07:13,960
It's the end
of the world!
193
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,520
Holy crap!
194
00:07:15,530 --> 00:07:17,460
(knocking)
195
00:07:18,530 --> 00:07:22,330
Seems like I've run out
of waiting time.
196
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:28,470
...but it looks like
Nicole Ritchie's baby
197
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,620
is gonna be just fine.
198
00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:32,210
Also in the news,
the doomsday clock is ticking
199
00:07:32,210 --> 00:07:34,640
with less than 19 hours to go
before our planet
200
00:07:34,650 --> 00:07:36,550
is consumed by
an expanding black hole.
201
00:07:36,550 --> 00:07:39,780
TUCKER:
As Americans everywhere
face their last day on Earth,
202
00:07:39,790 --> 00:07:42,660
one can only imagine
how they're spending it.
203
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:44,700
(doorbell rings)
204
00:07:44,690 --> 00:07:45,250
Hey, Mort.
205
00:07:45,260 --> 00:07:46,520
Now that the end
of the world is here,
206
00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:49,470
I just wanted to say
no hard feelings, huh?
207
00:07:49,460 --> 00:07:50,760
(buzzer sounds)
Ow!
208
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:51,890
Psych! Ha-ha!
209
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:53,560
Embedded in the hand.
210
00:07:53,570 --> 00:07:56,070
Have fun where you're going.
211
00:07:56,470 --> 00:07:58,230
Well, it's become clear,
212
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,770
the only way
to avert this disaster
213
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:04,010
is by writing a strongly-worded
letter to the black hole.
214
00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:04,840
"Dear space.
215
00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:07,450
"Well, you're just full
of surprises, aren't you?
216
00:08:07,450 --> 00:08:10,790
"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate.
217
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:12,450
"Well, you're not
gonna be so tough
218
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,820
"when I put a fish bowl
on my head
219
00:08:13,820 --> 00:08:18,350
and a rocket pack on my back and
come up there and punch you."
220
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,500
Take that, Orion!
221
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:32,300
That's right.
222
00:08:32,310 --> 00:08:36,380
All you are is a failed
production company.
223
00:08:37,180 --> 00:08:38,620
Joe, Joe, you
got to help me.
224
00:08:38,610 --> 00:08:40,180
You got to help
me get laid!
225
00:08:40,180 --> 00:08:41,610
What are you
talking about, Quagmire?
226
00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:42,490
I got to get laid!
227
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,650
You got to help
me get laid!
228
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:44,480
I've never had sex!
229
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,680
What do you mean?
You've had sex a million times.
230
00:08:46,690 --> 00:08:47,790
Aw, that's
all bluster.
231
00:08:47,790 --> 00:08:49,650
I just talk big
for the fellas.
232
00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:50,760
I'm a virgin, Joe!
233
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,760
I don't want to
die a virgin!
234
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:53,760
Help me, please!
235
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,330
Let me have sex
with Bonnie!
236
00:08:56,330 --> 00:08:57,530
(sighs)
237
00:08:57,530 --> 00:08:58,490
I guess so.
238
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,430
For my friend,
on our last day on Earth.
239
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,440
You're a good
man, Joe Swanson.
240
00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,280
How was your first time?
241
00:09:06,270 --> 00:09:07,700
Ah, I've had sex
lots of times.
242
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:09,400
I just wanted to
have it again!
243
00:09:09,410 --> 00:09:12,010
(humming lively tune)
244
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:12,940
Screw you!
245
00:09:12,950 --> 00:09:15,050
Who else but Quagmire?
246
00:09:15,050 --> 00:09:17,250
Well, Diane, now that
our time is almost up,
247
00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:19,780
just to lighten the mood,
we introduce a new feature
248
00:09:19,790 --> 00:09:21,590
called Tom's Crank Calls.
249
00:09:21,590 --> 00:09:24,550
Let's dial that number,
shall we?
250
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,490
Hello, is this Megan Fox?
251
00:09:26,490 --> 00:09:28,460
I will kill you,
do you understand?
252
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:30,190
If I can't have you,
no one can.
253
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,470
I will kill you.
This is Tom Tucker.
254
00:09:33,470 --> 00:09:35,270
Well, I know who you are.
255
00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:35,830
(chuckles)
256
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:38,740
It's fun to see how people react
when they're on the spot.
257
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:41,400
Look, since these
are our final hours,
258
00:09:41,410 --> 00:09:43,340
I want you kids
to know how much
259
00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:44,610
your father
and I love you
260
00:09:44,610 --> 00:09:47,380
and how important
this family is to us.
261
00:09:47,380 --> 00:09:48,540
Oh, I'm scared.
262
00:09:48,550 --> 00:09:49,850
I wonder what it's like to die.
263
00:09:49,850 --> 00:09:52,910
I don't know, but from the
look in a stray cat's eyes
264
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,720
when you're pushing
on its windpipe,
265
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,690
I think it's
pretty terrifying.
266
00:09:56,690 --> 00:09:57,490
Like, panicky.
267
00:09:57,490 --> 00:10:00,160
Hey, Brian, what do you
think is gonna happ--
268
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,660
What was that--
269
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:02,660
You were praying.
270
00:10:02,660 --> 00:10:03,990
Come on, no, I wasn't.
271
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:04,970
Yes, you were.
272
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,340
You were
praying, I saw!
273
00:10:06,330 --> 00:10:07,760
No, man, it was a joke!
274
00:10:07,770 --> 00:10:08,460
You were praying!
275
00:10:08,470 --> 00:10:10,200
It was a goof!
I was goofing on you!
276
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:13,600
You're, you're,
you're disingenuous.
277
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:15,670
Hello, everybody.
278
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,120
This is Montecore.
He's my lion.
279
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:19,340
I have a lion now.
280
00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:20,320
(roars)
281
00:10:20,310 --> 00:10:21,480
Peter, what
the hell?!
282
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:22,580
You know, I went
to the zoo last week
283
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:25,080
and asked if I could do it,
and they told me to scram.
284
00:10:25,090 --> 00:10:25,960
Went to the zoo this morning
285
00:10:25,950 --> 00:10:27,280
with a shotgun
and now I have a lion.
286
00:10:27,290 --> 00:10:29,330
Does it bite?
Of course it bites, it's a lion.
287
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:30,850
Peter, get
off the lion.
288
00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:33,600
We should spend some time
together as a family.
289
00:10:33,590 --> 00:10:34,820
I don't think so, Lois.
290
00:10:34,830 --> 00:10:36,320
But the world is ending.
291
00:10:36,330 --> 00:10:37,890
We should be spending
these final hours
292
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,460
with the people we love most.
293
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:41,370
Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.
294
00:10:41,370 --> 00:10:44,670
Today, I have a golden ticket
to do whatever the hell I want.
295
00:10:44,670 --> 00:10:45,500
I feel like an old guy
296
00:10:45,510 --> 00:10:47,610
who's reliving
his youthful shenanigans.
297
00:10:47,610 --> 00:10:49,920
Tell me about when
you were young, Grandpa.
298
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:52,470
Oh, sonny, those
were crazy times.
299
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,280
My friends and I
were out of control.
300
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,680
We used to give each other
wet-willies and funny arms.
301
00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,580
We'd play dandy-balls and
legs-a-spread and penis-butt.
302
00:11:00,590 --> 00:11:02,290
Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.
303
00:11:02,290 --> 00:11:03,590
It was gay. Everyone was.
304
00:11:03,590 --> 00:11:06,390
But, back then, we were
called pole-fancies.
305
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:07,560
It was real,
good old-fashioned
306
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,530
"grab the nearest tree and
hold on for dear life" gay,
307
00:11:10,530 --> 00:11:13,930
not today's fancy, featherbed,
thread-count gay.
308
00:11:13,930 --> 00:11:15,700
People got hurt back then!
309
00:11:15,700 --> 00:11:16,600
That's gay.
310
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,330
Yeah, it was pretty gay.
311
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,880
What the hell are you
doing with a musket?
312
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:23,550
Last day on Earth.
313
00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:26,610
I've always wanted to save
a Native American family
314
00:11:26,610 --> 00:11:28,610
from rapacious cavalrymen.
315
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:32,320
(soldiers yelling,
people screaming)
316
00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:35,350
(shrieks)
317
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:39,100
Yeah...
this one'll do nicely.
318
00:11:39,090 --> 00:11:40,020
(gunshot)
319
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,900
PETER:
Let her go.
320
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:47,610
You don't have to be afraid
of him anymore.
321
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,530
TUCKER:
Stay with us as the countdown
to Doomsday continues
322
00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:54,240
with just six more hours to go.
323
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:56,570
The only thing that's nice
about this is,
324
00:11:56,580 --> 00:11:57,850
even though it's a Tuesday,
325
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:01,110
it feels kind of like
it's a Friday.
326
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:02,310
Peter, where are
you going?
327
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,320
Last day on Earth,
last chance to do this.
328
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,890
I'm gonna find
a black neighborhood
329
00:12:05,890 --> 00:12:06,760
and see what happens
330
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:09,350
if I yell
the you-know-what word.
331
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,690
They respected me
for saying it.
332
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,360
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it,
333
00:12:20,370 --> 00:12:21,440
our final minutes.
334
00:12:21,430 --> 00:12:22,930
Any moment now,
the Earth will be sucked
335
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:24,710
into the gaping maw
of the black hole.
336
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,670
We here at Channel Five would
like to leave you
337
00:12:26,670 --> 00:12:29,670
with some highlights of
mankind's brief existence,
338
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,520
like the Battle of Hastings.
339
00:12:31,510 --> 00:12:34,240
Guys, if we win this,
we get Hastings!
340
00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,290
Yeah, let's do it!
341
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,350
Let's go!
All right, Hastings!
342
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:39,610
The Ottoman Empire.
343
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,350
Ah, I could get
used to this.
344
00:12:41,350 --> 00:12:41,820
You know what?
345
00:12:41,820 --> 00:12:44,790
This is what I want
our empire to be about.
346
00:12:44,790 --> 00:12:46,990
The first television broadcast.
347
00:12:46,990 --> 00:12:49,760
(playing light melody)
348
00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:01,740
And with only
30 seconds to go,
349
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:03,540
we thank you
for choosing Channel Five
350
00:13:03,540 --> 00:13:04,940
as your Armageddon network.
351
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,550
Mom, where's Dad?!
352
00:13:06,550 --> 00:13:07,890
I don't know, Chris.
353
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:08,910
Sorry I'm late, guys.
354
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,290
Peter, where
have you been?!
355
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,680
Look, you try scheduling
a haircut today.
356
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,760
You know, you'd think
you'd want to spend
357
00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:15,650
your last day on Earth
with your family!
358
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:16,900
Hey, I'm here,
aren't I?
359
00:13:16,890 --> 00:13:18,750
With only seconds left!
360
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,220
Don't you love me?!
361
00:13:20,230 --> 00:13:21,430
Of course I love you, Lois!
362
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:24,090
You're the most important person
in the world to me!
363
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,670
You promise?
I promise!
364
00:13:27,970 --> 00:13:30,530
Ten, nine, eight...
365
00:13:30,540 --> 00:13:32,440
I just hate being
around the kids.
366
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,970
What?!
...six, five,
367
00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:36,970
Sorry, I just thought
I'd be honest
since we're gonna die.
368
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:40,050
...three, two, one.
369
00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:42,790
BOTH:
April Fools!
370
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:43,410
What?!
371
00:13:43,420 --> 00:13:44,960
You gotta be
kiddin' me!
372
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:46,010
We're not gonna die?!
373
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:48,420
No, we're not gonna die!
374
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:51,990
(all cheering)
375
00:13:51,990 --> 00:13:54,920
Wait, what did
Dad just say?
376
00:13:58,300 --> 00:13:59,790
Yes, April Fools!
377
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:00,760
We at Channel Five News
concocted
378
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:03,510
the whole black hole story
as part of our commitment
379
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:04,800
to being festive
around the holidays.
380
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,570
And with only 87 suicides
and widespread looting,
381
00:14:07,570 --> 00:14:11,410
we think this was a pretty
successful practical joke.
382
00:14:11,410 --> 00:14:12,940
You dicks!
383
00:14:12,950 --> 00:14:15,020
Hey, how do you like
that, Lois?
384
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:15,950
We're gonna live!
385
00:14:15,950 --> 00:14:18,150
Peter, what did you mean
by what you said,
386
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,750
you hate being
around the kids?
387
00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:22,380
Yeah, Dad,
what did you mean?
388
00:14:22,390 --> 00:14:24,720
Don't you like us?
Yeah, what gives?
389
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:25,720
Well... Oh, come on.
390
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:26,870
I-I didn't mean that.
391
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:27,960
I was just joking around.
392
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Hey, give me a big hug.
393
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,360
How about a big hug
for old Dad?
394
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:32,930
Kids, why don't you
go upstairs
395
00:14:32,930 --> 00:14:34,800
so your father
and I can talk.
396
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,700
Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.
397
00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:38,630
Let's get out of here.
398
00:14:39,370 --> 00:14:41,740
Well, I'm off to serve food
at the soup kitchen.
399
00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,170
Now that I lived
through this,
400
00:14:43,180 --> 00:14:44,380
I kind of have to keep
401
00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:45,820
a promise I made
to someone.
402
00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:46,910
STEWIE:
It's God!
403
00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:48,480
Peter, what did you mean?
404
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,080
(sighs) All right,
you want the truth?
405
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,780
They bore the hell
out of me, Lois.
406
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,190
Bore the hell
out of you?!
407
00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:54,460
They're your kids!
408
00:14:54,450 --> 00:14:55,480
I know,
and I love them,
409
00:14:55,490 --> 00:14:57,990
but don't you just sometimes
wish they'd run away
410
00:14:57,990 --> 00:15:00,390
or get kidnapped
and be made to work
411
00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:01,690
in a Temple of Doom?
412
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:05,200
(hums Temple of Doom theme)
413
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,460
How can you
even say that?!
414
00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:08,570
Because, Lois, Meg tells a story
415
00:15:08,570 --> 00:15:10,070
that makes you want to blow
your brains out,
416
00:15:10,070 --> 00:15:11,470
Stewie just sits there,
417
00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:13,500
and Chris is always leaving
his Russian mice around.
418
00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:14,480
Get out of here!
419
00:15:14,470 --> 00:15:16,770
(Russian accent):
Okay, okay, you don't have
to yell.
420
00:15:16,780 --> 00:15:18,950
Let us go find
das vaginya.
421
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:21,920
Listen to you! You don't
know your own kids!
422
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:22,890
That's the problem!
423
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,780
It's not them, it's you!
424
00:15:24,780 --> 00:15:26,480
Me?!
Yes, you!
425
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:27,590
And you know what?
426
00:15:27,590 --> 00:15:30,060
You've hurt your kids worse
than any black hole could!
427
00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:31,430
Lois, you're overreacting.
428
00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:33,790
This'll all blow over
by tomorrow.
429
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:38,940
Morning, (bleep).
430
00:15:38,930 --> 00:15:39,860
Ha-ha, I'm just kidding!
431
00:15:39,870 --> 00:15:41,710
So what do we got,
pancakes? Cool!
432
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:44,130
Hey, what's on tap
for school today, kids?
433
00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,540
Shut up, Dad.
Whatever.
434
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:48,900
So, Chris, how, uh, how are
all your friends at school?
435
00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:49,900
What do you care?
436
00:15:49,910 --> 00:15:51,870
You don't even know
who my friends are.
437
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,010
Sure, I do.
438
00:15:53,010 --> 00:15:56,040
Um, Chandler...
439
00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:57,880
Fonzie...
440
00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,080
and Remington Steele?
441
00:15:59,090 --> 00:16:00,560
You got lucky, Dad.
442
00:16:00,550 --> 00:16:03,020
So, Stewie, how's everything
going in Lego Land?
443
00:16:03,020 --> 00:16:04,720
Oh, pretty good.
I made a spaceship...
444
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,620
Wait a minute.
I'm not talking to you.
445
00:16:06,630 --> 00:16:09,200
Come on, guys. Let's go eat
in the living room.
446
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,440
It stinks in here.
447
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,630
Oh, no, does it stink
'cause I farted?
448
00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:15,500
'Cause sometimes
I can suck 'em back up.
449
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,870
I think we can make up
some of these losses
450
00:16:17,870 --> 00:16:19,070
in the third quarter.
451
00:16:19,070 --> 00:16:20,100
(Peter farts)
452
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,680
(pneumatic sucking sound)
453
00:16:21,670 --> 00:16:22,700
What was that?
454
00:16:22,710 --> 00:16:23,870
What was what?
455
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:24,780
Oh, nothing.
456
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:26,840
I thought I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.
457
00:16:26,850 --> 00:16:30,160
They, uh, they're really pissed
at me, aren't they?
458
00:16:30,150 --> 00:16:32,210
Oh, look who's
starting to get it.
459
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:34,880
Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.
460
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,790
They, they know
you have no interest
461
00:16:36,790 --> 00:16:37,790
in getting to know them.
462
00:16:37,790 --> 00:16:38,890
I mean, how-how would you feel?
463
00:16:38,890 --> 00:16:40,860
Well, right now
I feel like a jerk.
464
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:42,660
Peter, if you really
do care about your kids,
465
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:46,090
you're gonna have
to earn back their
respect and affection.
466
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,000
How do I do that?
467
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,600
You gotta spend
time with them
468
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,530
and make their interests
your interests.
469
00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:52,840
(sighs) I guess
you're right, Lois.
470
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,200
I'm always screwing up.
471
00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:56,950
Like that time
with Jason Mraz.
472
00:16:57,180 --> 00:16:59,480
Oh, my God!
You're Jason Mraz!
473
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:00,210
No, I'm not.
474
00:17:00,210 --> 00:17:01,840
I'm just some
guy with a hat.
475
00:17:01,850 --> 00:17:04,180
Yeah, that's who
Jason Mraz is!
476
00:17:08,050 --> 00:17:11,390
(sweetly):
Hey, buddy.
477
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,630
What's going on?
478
00:17:14,830 --> 00:17:16,490
You having
your period?
What?!
479
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:19,200
I'm just trying
to take an interest
in your interests.
480
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:20,800
My period's
not an interest.
481
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,300
It's something
that happens to me
482
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:23,970
that I cannot control.
483
00:17:23,970 --> 00:17:24,770
Gross.
484
00:17:24,770 --> 00:17:28,170
All right, I'm gonna
go talk to Chris.
485
00:17:28,740 --> 00:17:31,370
Hi, Chris.
Hello... Peter.
486
00:17:31,380 --> 00:17:32,720
You know, I was
just thinking,
487
00:17:32,710 --> 00:17:35,810
when I was your age, my Uncle
Roy shared a beer with me.
488
00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,720
I drank it, and I was so
excited, I fell asleep.
489
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,720
I must have tossed and
turned something fierce,
490
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,880
'cause when I woke up,
my pants were off.
491
00:17:42,890 --> 00:17:44,950
Never saw much of
Uncle Roy after that.
492
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,690
Turns out we weren't
even related.
493
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:49,820
Anyway, I thought
him sharing that
beer with me
494
00:17:49,830 --> 00:17:50,890
was the coolest
thing ever.
495
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:53,100
And I know nowadays
things are different...
496
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:54,330
so I got some
crystal meth.
497
00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:57,030
I figured we could do it
together as father and son.
498
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,110
I don't know
about that.
499
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,240
Tell you what,
I'll get us started.
500
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,840
(sniffing)
501
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:06,110
Ah... That feels...
that feels better.
502
00:18:06,110 --> 00:18:07,310
You sure
that stuff is okay?
503
00:18:07,310 --> 00:18:09,880
All I know is the guys
who made it are dead.
504
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,680
Why is there no hole
in this wall?
505
00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:15,560
You know, this thing
is bugging me.
506
00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:19,520
All right, I'm
gonna take a hike.
507
00:18:21,930 --> 00:18:25,090
So, you gonna introduce me
to your pals?
508
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,260
That's Trapjaw.
509
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:27,410
That's Optimus Prime.
510
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,360
That's Destro.
511
00:18:28,370 --> 00:18:30,000
And that's a Care Bear.
512
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,030
You having a tea party?
513
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,240
No, we're working out
a land deal.
514
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,000
Trapjaw is trying
to get a variance
515
00:18:35,010 --> 00:18:36,910
to build an unpermitted
structure within ten feet
516
00:18:36,910 --> 00:18:38,270
of Optimus Prime's
property line.
517
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:41,010
Destro is the City Councilman
who's telling Trapjaw
518
00:18:41,010 --> 00:18:42,880
that he has to file it
as an accessory structure,
519
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,280
and even then it can only be
built at the rear of the lot.
520
00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:48,160
And the Care Bear
is just a Care Bear.
521
00:18:48,150 --> 00:18:51,020
I am so (bleep) ready!
522
00:18:54,330 --> 00:18:56,100
I don't know, Lois,
I tried my best.
523
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:59,100
I don't know what else
I possibly could have done.
524
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,800
Peter, you're just gonna
have to do better.
525
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,930
Somehow you gotta
let those kids know
526
00:19:03,940 --> 00:19:05,180
that they matter to you.
527
00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:07,640
(sighs) I'll try, Lois.
528
00:19:10,180 --> 00:19:11,220
Kids, come in here!
529
00:19:11,210 --> 00:19:14,010
Your father's got
something to say!
530
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,350
Look, I know you kids
ain't too happy
531
00:19:19,350 --> 00:19:19,880
with your dad right now,
532
00:19:19,890 --> 00:19:22,860
but I hope at least you
could see that I'm trying.
533
00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:26,360
I mean, I know sometimes we
don't get along with each other.
534
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,920
Hell, if we
weren't all related,
535
00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:30,130
this would be like the worst
table at the wedding.
536
00:19:30,130 --> 00:19:31,990
But we're, we're part
of a family.
537
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,030
And I'm still your father.
538
00:19:34,030 --> 00:19:35,800
And I promise I love you.
539
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,800
Well, then how come you said
you hated spending time with us?
540
00:19:39,810 --> 00:19:42,450
Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.
541
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,570
But I-I can still be your dad
542
00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:47,020
even if we don't have any
of the same interests.
543
00:19:47,010 --> 00:19:50,110
So what do you say,
are we a family again?
544
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,080
I don't buy it.
Me neither.
545
00:19:52,090 --> 00:19:54,290
When you jumped through
my ceiling, you let an owl in.
546
00:19:54,290 --> 00:19:55,960
I know they're
supposed to be wise,
547
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:59,200
but all it did was shriek
and poop out half-digested mice.
548
00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:01,290
Well, then I guess
there's only one thing
549
00:20:01,290 --> 00:20:03,260
I can do to regain your love.
550
00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:05,830
Who wants a brand new Xbox?
551
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,200
Yay!
Oh, Daddy!
552
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,630
Oh, my God,
you're the best father ever!
553
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:14,080
(all clamoring)
554
00:20:14,070 --> 00:20:17,170
Well, I guess if you can't earn
your kids' respect,
555
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,480
you can always buy it.
556
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,340
(all laughing)
557
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:25,320
There's some awesome stuff
in the garbage.
558
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:33,490
Dad, can we please have
a turn at the Xbox?
559
00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:36,420
Just a second, Meg.
I'm still trying
to get the hang of this.
560
00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:37,460
Okay, guys,
tell me again,
561
00:20:37,460 --> 00:20:40,130
uh, now, which one
do I press to shoot now?
562
00:20:40,130 --> 00:20:42,300
Damn it! Ah, crap.
563
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:44,170
TEENAGE BOY:
Who's the douchebag
who keeps dying?
564
00:20:44,170 --> 00:20:46,330
PETER:
I'm not
a douchebag. I'm new.
565
00:20:46,340 --> 00:20:47,400
Look, if you're
no good,
566
00:20:47,410 --> 00:20:49,110
why don't you just go
hide till the end?
567
00:20:49,110 --> 00:20:51,370
PETER:
All right, I'll go crouch
behind the, uh...
568
00:20:51,380 --> 00:20:52,380
Is this a crouch button?
569
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:54,410
PLAYER:
Ah! Who dropped
a grenade?!
570
00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:55,610
Idiot!
Learn how to play!
571
00:20:55,620 --> 00:20:58,090
Moron!
QUAGMIRE:
You suck!48239
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