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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,405
It seems today
that all you see.
2
00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:07,875
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:11,345
But where are those
good old-fashioned values.
4
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:14,382
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,751
Lucky there's a family guy.
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:21,389
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,057
All the things that make us.
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,792
Laugh and cry.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,098
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,707
Oh, I am so excited
for Stewie's first play.
11
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,342
Don't you think
it's a little soon
12
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,377
for a musical
about Terri Schiavo?
13
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,479
Or too late?
Shh, it's starting.
14
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,937
Hi, Doctor, it's me...
Michael Schiavo.
15
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:11,272
How's my
wife doing?
16
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,773
She's a vegetable.
17
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,142
I hate vegetables.
18
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,611
Don't worry about her,
Mr. Schiavo.
19
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,148
She's being kept alive
by medical science.
20
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:21,949
Gee, look at
all this stuff.
21
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,251
How does it
all work?
22
00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:24,752
Well, I'll tell you.
23
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,188
This one keeps
her liver clean.
24
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,190
This one checks her pee.
25
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,659
How about this one
over here?
26
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,228
Oh, that's just the TV
Ha, ha, ha.
27
00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,264
This one checks
her heart rate.
28
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,499
This one checks her veins.
29
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:42,503
And this dispenses gravy
for her mashed potato brains.
30
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,438
Oh, oh, oh.
31
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:47,708
Terri Schiavo
is kind of alive-oh.
32
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,544
What a lively little bugger.
33
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,946
Maybe
we should just unplug her.
34
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:56,884
Terri Schiavo
is kind of alive-oh.
35
00:01:56,950 --> 00:02:00,721
The most expensive plant
you'll ever see...
36
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,492
Oh, my God, here
comes Jared.
37
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,794
Wow, he's in kindergarten.
38
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,662
Hey, so you're the
plug this year?
39
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,498
Hey, Jared.
Yeah, I'm the plug.
40
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:12,800
Yeah, I was the plug
three years in a row.
41
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,168
Like I don't know that?
42
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,869
Everybody knows that,
Jared.
43
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,672
Well, listen, don't you try
to be a Jared plug, all right?
44
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,709
You just go out there, you be
the best Stewie plug you can.
45
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:22,776
I sure will, Jared.
46
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,745
Hey, you got any
Gummi Bears on you?
47
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:27,581
No. Be a lot cooler if you did.
48
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,353
You know, they say
don't meet your heroes,
49
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,455
but they can eat my ass,
because that was awesome!
50
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,123
I don't know, don't you think
51
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:37,901
it's kind of weird
that he's in kindergarten
52
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,228
and he's still hanging
around kids our age?
53
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:42,630
Hey, we are
very lucky.
54
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,765
Oh, here I go.
55
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,201
There's only
one solution.
56
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,437
It's in the
Constitution.
57
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:53,541
We've got to
pull the plug...
58
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:54,708
There he is.
59
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,410
Quick, Peter,
grab the video camera.
60
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:57,811
All right, all right.
61
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,589
What's wrong
with Stewie?
62
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,291
I think he has
stage fright.
63
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,601
I think he has
stage fright, Peter.
64
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,394
That's what I just
said. I said that.
65
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,537
Look at Stewie.
66
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,672
What a baby.
67
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:25,839
Aw, no way.
68
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:28,442
Hey, Chris, look,
is that Richard Dreyfuss?
69
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,278
Oh, for crying out loud.
70
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:31,388
Hey, Dreyfuss,
where you going?
71
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:32,680
Get back here.
72
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,458
Dreyfuss, what are you
doing here in Quahog?
73
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:35,816
My nephew's in the play.
74
00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,418
God, can't you go
anywhere these days
75
00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:38,595
without these damn paparazzi?
76
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,288
Where you going?
77
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,689
Oh, you going
to the bathroom?
78
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,091
You going to have a close
encounter of the turd kind?
79
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,506
Hey, I think you're going
to need a bigger boat.
80
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:49,830
These jokes are
for you, Peter,
81
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,732
when you watch this tape
in the future.
82
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,401
Hi, future Peter.
83
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,703
I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.
84
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,306
Look outside and you'll see
a grown tree.
85
00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:01,174
I'm going to plant a tree
for you when I get home.
86
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,877
Look outside
and you'll see a grown tree.
87
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,914
Eeeeeee!
88
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,982
Now look at your hand.
89
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,552
It's just a nub, 'cause I'm
gonna cut off all the fingers.
90
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:12,720
Oh, yeah, past Peter?
91
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:14,922
Well, two can play that game.
92
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,890
Take that.
93
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:17,958
Uh, wait a minute.
94
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,631
How was your bowel movement,
Peter?
95
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,666
Eh, I got some, but I didn't
get the troublemaker.
96
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,868
Wait, what time is it?
I got to turn on TMZ.
97
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,772
Today on TMZ.
98
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,007
Rene Russo got a little hot
under the collar
99
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,844
when we caught up with her
outside her home in the hills.
100
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,922
Rene, what was it like working
with Douglas Fairbanks?
101
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:42,750
Is it true you
were born in 1880?
102
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:46,720
This is my rassinfrackin' land,
and I don't care what no man
103
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,090
from no Tennessee Valley
Authority says, consarnit!
104
00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:51,325
Why are we watching TMZ?
105
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:52,493
I hate this show.
106
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:53,827
Keep watching.
107
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:54,962
So what do you got?
108
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,330
I got Richard Dreyfuss
109
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:57,565
coming out of the bathroom
110
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,132
at his nephew's play
in Rhode Island.
111
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:01,001
Richard, hey, Richard.
112
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,269
Hey, can I get
your autograph?
113
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,437
Fine.
114
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,705
Do you have a pen and paper?
115
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,106
What do I look like,
a Staples?
116
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:07,508
I don't carry
that stuff around.
117
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:08,785
Look, I'm sorry,
I can't help you.
118
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,711
Oh, what, you too big
and famous to walk over
119
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:12,818
to that corner drugstore
and pick up a pen and paper
120
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,748
and possibly
some other groceries I need
121
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,884
and come back and sign
several things for me?
122
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,218
You're a jerk.
123
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:19,720
That was my
tape, everybody.
124
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,855
I sent that in and
they put it on TV,
125
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,324
which makes me a
famous journalist.
126
00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:25,769
Journalist?
You're badgering a celebrity
127
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,395
and passing it off
as news.
128
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,662
Yeah, journalist.
129
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,498
And I got a hundred bucks
for it,
130
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,966
which I used to buy
this $4,000 video camera.
131
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:35,669
Meet Peter Griffin,
video paparazzi.
132
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,038
From now on, I'm gonna be
right where the action is,
133
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:40,708
like my Uncle "The Guy
in the White Hat" Griffin.
134
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,790
Stewie, Stewie,
how's that oatmeal?
135
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,802
Is it true you're having
an affair with that oatmeal?
136
00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,127
What do you say
about the rumors
137
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,429
that you have
a full diaper?
138
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:02,663
I'm just trying to eat here.
139
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,007
What did you do
to your mother's vagina?
140
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,365
Leave me alone!
141
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,510
How come your feet
are so small?
142
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:07,944
Is it true you can't say
"spaghetti"?
143
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,688
What about the rumors
that you have cooties?
144
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,018
Is it true you doubled your
weight in the last six months?
145
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,777
Daddy, help me, Daddy!
146
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,579
I can't get involved
'cause of journalism.
147
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:20,614
Tom,
Tom Tucker, Tom!
148
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:21,949
The news isn't funny.
149
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,551
It's not supposed
to be funny.
150
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:25,361
Tom, who were you having
dinner with in there?
151
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,620
Was it a guy?
Are you gay?
152
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:27,755
Someone said
you were gay.
153
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,256
It was me.
154
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,634
Are the rumors
I'm making up true?
155
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,660
Ignore me
if you're gay.
156
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:34,962
Mayor West,
over here.
157
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,531
What hot spot are you going
to this Friday night?
158
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,467
Oh, I've got
some pretty nifty plans,
159
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,368
my camera-wielding friend.
160
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,936
Yeah?
That's right.
161
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:46,840
Every Friday night,
I'm a clearance sale area rug.
162
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,745
Boy, I hope somebody buys me.
163
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:54,748
I'd look swell in their den.
164
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,833
Ollie Williams, why do you
look so much like Will Smith?
165
00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,493
Hey, Will Smith,
what was it like
166
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,894
to punch that alien
in the face?
167
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,529
Eddie Murphy,
what was that whole thing
168
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:09,906
with you and that
transvestite hooker?
169
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,799
Bernie Mac,
how come you died?
170
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,067
Oprah, why are you so fat,
Don Cheadle?
171
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,907
You almost done
in there, Peter?
172
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,643
Hang on, Lois... stupid Ollie
Williams broke my glasses.
173
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,044
I got to put in
my contacts.
174
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,913
By the way,
the repair shop called.
175
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:27,881
They said
they can't fix your camera.
176
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,493
Well, that's just great,
Lois, that's great.
177
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,018
And here I was going
to use the money
178
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,653
to take you to
"Can-cun" this winter.
179
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,688
CancГєn, Peter.
180
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,557
I don't like Ollie
any more than you do,
181
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,958
but we are a
21st-century family,
182
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,060
and I will not have
that kind of talk here.
183
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,461
Whatever.
184
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,010
Griffin, did you call
the distributor
185
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,369
about the...?
186
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,904
What? What's the problem?
187
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,740
Okay, look, I know
I was watching TV,
188
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,274
but I'll, I'll stay late.
189
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,176
No, that's not it,
Griffin.
190
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,812
There's, there's something
different about you.
191
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,914
You're not wearing
glasses.
192
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,850
Yeah, they got busted;
I'm wearing contacts.
193
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:06,053
I can see your eyes
and, and your eyelashes...
194
00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,655
They're beautiful.
195
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,857
Who cares? What gives?
196
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,806
Griffin, I never
noticed you before.
197
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,008
I like what I see.
198
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:03,644
Uh, okay.
199
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,147
Oh, no, I dropped
my pencil.
200
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,716
Oh, I'll get it for you.
201
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:11,184
Yeah, this is gonna
202
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,553
work out just fine.
203
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,323
Excuse me.
204
00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:24,832
Family,
we need to talk.
205
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:28,702
Your father was sexually
harassed at work today.
206
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,270
What?
That's right.
207
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,072
Angela grabbed my ass.
208
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:33,707
So what?
209
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,351
Peter, a woman can't
sexually harass a man.
210
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,110
Why not?
211
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,680
I don't know, it just
doesn't make any sense.
212
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:41,849
I mean, guys like
being touched by women.
213
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,751
It's not harassment
if you like it.
214
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:44,985
But I didn't like it.
215
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,887
I got sexually
harassed at school.
216
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,289
My chemistry teacher, Mr.
Taylor, rubbed my shoulders
217
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:52,726
for 35 minutes in class the
one day I didn't wear a bra.
218
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,862
See, Peter,
that's harassment.
219
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,964
An older man,
a weak, younger woman.
220
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,470
He could have
taken advantage of her,
221
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,267
forced her to do
things to him.
222
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,202
He did...
Awful things.
223
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:03,436
See?
224
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:06,073
But you,
it just can't happen.
225
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,011
Griffin, get in here,
226
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,947
and make sure you have on
your new uniform.
227
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:17,050
Why am I the only one who
has to wear denim shorts?
228
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,853
Because you're the only one
who looks this good in them.
229
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,023
Damn, Griffin,
you fill those out nicely.
230
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,025
Why is there a
dusty gas station
231
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,227
and a Diet Pepsi
machine in your office?
232
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,931
'Cause your car broke down,
and you need
233
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,034
to wipe a cold soda
on your neck to cool off.
234
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:36,003
Well, may-maybe I don't
need to cool off.
235
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,806
Maybe you don't
need to be employed.
236
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,114
It's hot in
here, isn't it?
237
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,180
Yes.
238
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,317
You need to cool
off, don't you?
239
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:51,952
I need to cool off.
240
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:54,855
You need to wipe your
neck with the soda can.
241
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,190
I need to wipe my neck
with the soda can.
242
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,291
Do it!
243
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,766
Now, get out of
here, you slut.
244
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,735
Okay. Can I keep the soda?
245
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,369
Oh, all right.
246
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:10,871
Yeah!
247
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,619
Oh, God.
248
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,757
I really hope there's
a hungry horse back there.
249
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,828
Hello?
250
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,396
Oh, hi, Angela, hang on.
251
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,798
Peter, it's your boss.
252
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,032
I don't want to
talk to her.
253
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,400
She's gonna harass me.
254
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,202
Oh, don't be such a baby.
255
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,504
I'm sorry, Angela,
Peter can't talk.
256
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,139
He's upstairs in the shower
257
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,875
touching himself
to your picture.
258
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,342
Gimme that.
259
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:50,978
Why are you
calling me at home?
260
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,946
I want to hear you breathe.
261
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:54,915
Breathe into the phone
for me, Griffin. What?
262
00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,384
Don't talk, just breathe.
263
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,419
It turns me on.
264
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:07,761
That's it, Griffin.
265
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,096
Keep breathing.
266
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:11,398
God, I'm almost there.
267
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,402
Your breath
is filling me up.
268
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:18,205
I like kangaroos.
269
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,040
Oh, sure you do.
270
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:24,077
Well, tomorrow, I'm getting you
a kangaroo T-shirt.
271
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,482
And she wants me to come over
to her house tonight
272
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,051
to work on
a "special project."
273
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:33,120
I know she's gonna make me
have sex with her.
274
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,322
What the hell am I gonna
do? I don't know, Peter.
275
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,791
If you have sex with her,
you give her all the power.
276
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,139
If you don't have sex with her,
you're gay. You can't win.
277
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,728
I don't want to get fired
278
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,296
and have to look
for another job.
279
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,363
What the hell do I do?
280
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,233
I might be able to
help you, Peter.
281
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,038
All right, hurry up, let's
get this over with.
282
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,006
All right, unbutton your shirt
and your pants.
283
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,378
That oughta do it.
Okay, close up.
284
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,781
All right, let me get
lined up right,
285
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,783
so she'll think it's you
she's having sex with.
286
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,218
Wow, that's really clever.
Thanks.
287
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,054
And if you don't feel
like doing Lois later,
288
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,156
I can stick around.
289
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,624
Let's-Let's just
see how this goes.
290
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,831
Hello, Griffin.
Hello, Angela.
291
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,067
You know, Angela, I've been
thinking about it,
292
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,102
and I want to have
sex with you now.
293
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,703
Really?
Giggity.
294
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,138
Yeah, but-but I want
to just do it
295
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:26,974
through my zipper,
all right?
296
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,918
I-I-I don't want to have
to take off all my clothes,
297
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,043
'cause I'm self-conscious
298
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,945
about my Congressman
Barney Frank body.
299
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:34,081
Well, I suppose I can
work with that.
300
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,050
Oh, yuck.
301
00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:38,451
What do you say we go
302
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:39,853
into the bedroom?
303
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,588
Uh, yeah, sure.
304
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,657
Aw, she's so ugly.
I don't want to get in that.
305
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,769
Peter, I'm-I'm not gonna do it.
Deal's off. Deal's off.
306
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,728
No, it isn't!
Yes, it is.
307
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,806
I'm gonna spread my legs, and
it'll be you doing it, not me.
308
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,099
You better not.
I am.
309
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,542
I'm re-jiggering my position
right now.
310
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:54,834
Oh, no, you don't!
311
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,306
What the hell
is going on here?
312
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,045
Hi, Angela, I'm Peter's friend,
Glenn Quagmire.
313
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:07,214
Uh, thank you so much
for having me in your home.
314
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,149
And, um, I would
have had sex with you,
315
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,951
but Peter neglected to tell me
316
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,719
that you are a complete
Dumpster fire.
317
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,221
Some friend, huh?
318
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,257
Okay, all right,
take it easy.
319
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,326
I am tired
of playing games, Griffin.
320
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,361
I mean, let's go.
I have waited long enough.
321
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:24,031
I'm having sex with you
right now.
322
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,532
No! I don't wanna!
323
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:28,868
Griffin, you have sex with me,
or you're fired.
324
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,170
Fine! Fire me!
325
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,072
I'm through being
harassed by you!
326
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,808
You know, this is
awful timing,
327
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,345
but I-I remembered part
of the reason I came over
328
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:42,182
was 'cause my cousin is looking
for a job at the brewery.
329
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:45,085
I'll-I'll just put his
rГ©sumГ© under the door.
330
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,061
Gimme another
one, Horace.
331
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,562
All right,
but slow down, Peter.
332
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,764
Or else I'm gonna have to get
that lady boss of yours
333
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,233
to come in here and give you
a good shoe to the gift bag.
334
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,534
You know,
keep you in line.
335
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,404
I'm just kiddin' ya, Peter.
336
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,473
You'll find yourself
a new job.
337
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,841
We now return to Robert Mitchum
338
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,777
in A Backhand for Sally.
339
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,812
You're getting
on that train with me.
340
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:13,981
I can't go with you.
341
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,548
I just can't.
342
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:17,584
Okay, I'll go.
343
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:19,319
Ow! I said I'd go.
344
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,121
Why'd you give me the
back of your hand?
345
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,156
Because I love you.
346
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,995
Wow, I thought
you had to be in the NBA
347
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,229
to hit a girl in the face.
348
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,630
But I guess anyone can.
349
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:33,300
Of course you can hit a girl
in the face.
350
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,767
They have faces, don't they?
351
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,137
Are-Are you talkin' to me,
Robert Mitchum?
352
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:38,905
You bet your ass I am.
353
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:40,940
Look at you, you're pathetic.
354
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,343
What kind of a man
gets fired by a broad?
355
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,777
A man with a female boss?
356
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:46,546
Don't crack wise.
357
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,992
Listen, Peter, somewhere along
the line, you got turned around.
358
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,350
You're a man.
359
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,519
And what do you think
it means to be a man?
360
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,188
Um, it means not gettin'
pushed around.
361
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,224
Exactly.
It means drinkin'
362
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,492
not because I want to,
but because I need to.
363
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,694
Right!
It means standing up to fart,
364
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:03,163
not hidin' it in a pillow,
365
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,870
or holdin' it in
till your stomach goes...
366
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,037
Now you've got it!
Gimme my keys, Horace!
367
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,172
I'm going to see my boss!
368
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,307
But, Peter, you're drunk!
369
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:16,176
Horace.
370
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,078
You're right.
This is more important.
371
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:23,883
Angela!
372
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,485
Open up in there!
373
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,061
Oh, my God!
374
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,602
Angela! Angela, wake up!
375
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,873
What the... Griffin?
376
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,442
Angela, what the hell are you
doin' tryin' to kill yourself?
377
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,312
Oh, why the hell did you
pull me out of there?
378
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,314
You should've just
left me alone!
379
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,149
That's how I'm gonna
end up, anyway.
380
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,350
What are you talkin' about?
381
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:58,818
I'm talking about the fact
382
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,787
that I have nothing
to live for.
383
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,622
Sure, you do.
384
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,991
Someday, a white man's gonna
be elected president again.
385
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,961
Griffin, I haven't been
with anyone in ten years.
386
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,730
And when you spurned
my advances,
387
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,199
it was a wake-up call.
388
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,434
No one's ever gonna
love me again.
389
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,169
Wait a minute.
390
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,905
So that's why you been actin'
like such a wacky ass around me?
391
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,874
It's been so long since
I've been with a man,
392
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,111
I don't even remember
what it feels like.
393
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,588
I always imagined
it felt very painful.
394
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:28,381
You just sorta grit your teeth
and let us do what we want.
395
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:32,219
I just wish one person was able
to find me attractive.
396
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,021
That's not too much
to ask, is it?
397
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,257
No...
398
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,992
Look, Angela, I came
over here to punch you
399
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,428
and maybe kick you
in the boob.
400
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,530
But now I'm all
turned around.
401
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:44,997
Angela? Angela?!
402
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,566
Right here.
403
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,102
But now all I want to do
is help you out.
404
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,770
I'll tell you what,
you know that ritzy,
405
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,305
upscale place
over on Third?
406
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,341
The Stuffy Fella?
That's it.
407
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,009
You be at the Stuffy Fella
tonight around 9:00.
408
00:17:57,076 --> 00:18:00,580
I think I know someone
who might be perfect for you.
409
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:11,291
Mmm, well, hello.
410
00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:12,859
Good evening, sir.
411
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,595
I am Reginald New York
Knickerbocker, millionaire.
412
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,631
Are you serving fish
this evening?
413
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:20,066
No, sir.
414
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,034
Then I believe
my guest has arrived.
415
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,637
There she is!
416
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,639
You must be Angela.
417
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:29,108
Hi, are you Peter's
friend, Reginald?
418
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,178
Mmm, indeed I am.
419
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:36,749
Mmm, what a beautiful shade
of lipstick on those teeth.
420
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,519
Oh, thank you, but that's
just my gums bleeding
421
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,354
from aggressive gingivitis.
422
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,923
Mmm, well,
your mouth is too sweet
423
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,825
for your teeth
to want to stay in.
424
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,594
Yes.
425
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:50,062
Well, I-I'm just gonna
go to the powder room
426
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,531
and freshen up.
427
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:53,600
She's eatin' it up.
428
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,135
This is easier than an American
finding his brother in China.
429
00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:58,171
Ron?
430
00:18:58,238 --> 00:18:59,539
Ron, where are you?
431
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,773
Over here, Paul!
432
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,175
Oh, good, there you are.
433
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,476
It's pretty here.
434
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,677
Yes, it is.
435
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,285
Mmm, what a
wonderful dinner.
436
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:13,820
Would you like
some dessert?
437
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,222
Did you bake a pie?
438
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:17,190
Well, there is a pie.
439
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,025
It's been baking
since I met you.
440
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,327
Mmm, gross.
441
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,161
What?
Nothing.
442
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:24,631
You know, Angela, there's
something I need to tell you.
443
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:27,534
My doctor has given me
24 hours to live.
444
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,735
Oh, my God!
445
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,270
No, no, it's quite
all right.
446
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,738
Because I vowed to myself
447
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:34,140
that I would spend the
last night of my life
448
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:37,310
in the company of the most
beautiful woman in the world.
449
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,812
And that's just what
I have done.
450
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,281
Oh, Reginald.
451
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,015
No, no, no.
452
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:46,085
This is already a perfect
end to a perfect evening.
453
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:47,620
Good night, my dear.
454
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,955
Reginald...
455
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,090
I want you
to make love to me.
456
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,692
Oh, if only I could,
457
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,362
but I must to a Jew to put
my affairs in order.
458
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,530
I know
what's going on here.
459
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,299
You don't want
to be with me.
460
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,733
You're just like
everybody else.
461
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,201
So-So go, then.
462
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:04,571
I'm just gonna stay here
and kill myself.
463
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,773
But you can't
kill yourself
464
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,808
every time somebody won't
sleep with you.
465
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,176
I won't.
466
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,711
Just sleep with me
just this once,
467
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,113
and it'll give me
everything I need.
468
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,248
Sleep with me tonight.
469
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,384
Save my life.
470
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,424
Oh, that was fantastic!
471
00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:26,726
It was exactly
what I needed.
472
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:29,929
Mmm, well, hopefully there'll
be no more talk of suicide.
473
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:33,232
Oh, no. I feel better
than I've felt in years.
474
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,468
I have my confidence again.
475
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:38,505
I'm ready to go back out there
and meet someone.
476
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,773
Well, I'm glad to
be of service.
477
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,276
Oh, just one more thing
before you go.
478
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,611
What's that, my dear?
479
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:47,246
See you at work on
Monday, Griffin.
480
00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:49,248
Huh? Oh, I'm gonna
have to have a word
481
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,684
with Rite-Aid about
this fake mustache.
482
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,223
Well, I got my job back,
Angela's happy again,
483
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,191
and she's not gonna
harass me anymore.
484
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,427
Everything worked out
perfect.
485
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:01,661
Not really, Peter.
486
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,463
Yeah, you cheated
on your wife.
487
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:05,164
No, I didn't.
I used Mort.
488
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:07,434
Oh, my God,
I forgot about Mort!
489
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,370
I want my two dollars!35151
