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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,998
FIRE ALARM BEEPS
Is that a false alarm?
2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,030
Sorry, I set the smoke
alarm off by mistake.
3
00:00:06,032 --> 00:00:08,022
- At 7am!
- Fire never sleeps!
4
00:00:08,024 --> 00:00:09,094
- How did you do it?!
- Toast probably.
5
00:00:09,096 --> 00:00:12,030
As you're up, some builders
want me to move the car.
6
00:00:12,032 --> 00:00:14,034
Do you mind sitting
in the passenger seat for me?
7
00:00:14,036 --> 00:00:16,058
This needs to stop happening.
Can you pass your test?
8
00:00:16,060 --> 00:00:19,026
Look, when pedestrians stop
stepping out, I'll stop failing.
9
00:00:19,028 --> 00:00:21,018
- Come on.
- All right, let's get this over with.
10
00:00:21,020 --> 00:00:22,220
- Is that a lighter?
- Yes. No.
11
00:00:35,024 --> 00:00:37,086
If you can't park the car,
at least turn the fans off.
12
00:00:37,088 --> 00:00:39,030
They don't turn off.
13
00:00:39,032 --> 00:00:41,026
They haven't since
Dad punched the dashboard
14
00:00:41,028 --> 00:00:43,038
when Neil Kinnock lost
the '92 general election.
15
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:46,018
Just park the car! We should have
parked in that space back there.
16
00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:48,090
You know I'm better
at the forwardy ones!
17
00:00:48,092 --> 00:00:50,030
Fair play to that old lady.
18
00:00:50,032 --> 00:00:52,078
How she spotted that gap,
I will never know.
19
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:54,062
You got out to guide her in.
20
00:00:54,064 --> 00:00:58,010
Yeah, and if we help one another,
the world becomes a happier place.
21
00:00:58,012 --> 00:01:02,002
Oh, piss off, Ghandi, you're trying
to park a car, not liberate the Raj.
22
00:01:02,004 --> 00:01:04,022
We've been going 45 minutes!
23
00:01:04,024 --> 00:01:06,074
I didn't realise parking spaces
would be at such a premium.
24
00:01:06,076 --> 00:01:07,090
We're in London!
25
00:01:07,092 --> 00:01:10,010
Actually, I'm not sure this
still counts as London.
26
00:01:10,012 --> 00:01:11,046
- Oh!
- Right, here's the plan.
27
00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:13,082
I know a great free parking space
in Hendon.
28
00:01:13,084 --> 00:01:15,082
We can just get the train back.
It'll be fine.
29
00:01:15,084 --> 00:01:17,022
Have you got a railcard?
30
00:01:17,024 --> 00:01:19,018
Hey, whoa, whoa! What you doing?!
31
00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:21,070
Ohh, steady on, Hulk Hogan,
this is technically
32
00:01:21,072 --> 00:01:23,030
a classic car!
33
00:01:23,032 --> 00:01:26,004
Quentin Willson would
cream his pants at this!
34
00:01:28,008 --> 00:01:32,014
LAUGHING:
Oh, look, it's the kid from The Snowman!
35
00:01:32,016 --> 00:01:34,012
Walk of shame, is it, mate?
36
00:01:38,032 --> 00:01:40,050
Walk of shame?
How would that even work?
37
00:01:40,052 --> 00:01:43,046
Who would go to a girl's house
in their dressing gown and slippers?
38
00:01:43,048 --> 00:01:44,090
Hugh Hefner.
39
00:01:44,092 --> 00:01:47,030
A, he wouldn't need to,
they all live in his mansion.
40
00:01:47,032 --> 00:01:49,006
B, I didn't get up at 7am
41
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:51,058
to discuss the logistics of
Hugh Hefner's love life.
42
00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:54,024
C, I'm going inside. Good day.
43
00:01:59,088 --> 00:02:01,062
Excuse me, are you all right?
44
00:02:01,064 --> 00:02:03,998
I just saw you being bullied
by those two workmen
45
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,054
and it was horrible to watch.
46
00:02:05,056 --> 00:02:07,066
Oh, it was just banter,
it was nothing personal.
47
00:02:07,068 --> 00:02:08,998
No, it really was.
48
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,094
I hate bullying and you should be
allowed to dress how you like.
49
00:02:11,096 --> 00:02:14,050
I agree with you. But just to be
clear, this isn't how I dress.
50
00:02:14,052 --> 00:02:15,064
Well, I like it.
51
00:02:16,076 --> 00:02:18,006
My favourite outfit.
52
00:02:18,008 --> 00:02:19,058
And all this Hugh Hefner business.
53
00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:23,014
I mean, it's just chauvinistic
and crass. It's upsetting.
54
00:02:23,016 --> 00:02:24,046
Do you know what I always say?
55
00:02:24,048 --> 00:02:27,054
If we respect one another,
the world becomes a happier place.
56
00:02:27,056 --> 00:02:28,080
Golly.
57
00:02:30,004 --> 00:02:31,088
- I'm Lucy.
- I'm Josh.
58
00:02:35,092 --> 00:02:37,094
Morning.
59
00:02:37,096 --> 00:02:39,038
Where have you been?
60
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:41,094
Owen has just taken me
to High Barnet.
61
00:02:41,096 --> 00:02:44,038
Er, is that a euphemism or
a birthday treat? Or both?
62
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,062
Actually, I've been thinking
about your birthday.
63
00:02:46,064 --> 00:02:47,998
Let's have a house party!
64
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,034
We are not having a house party.
65
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,026
I don't want people having sex
in my bedroom.
66
00:02:51,028 --> 00:02:53,082
- Yeah. The policy you've stuck to
for the last year. - Good one.
67
00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:55,034
But that is about to change
68
00:02:55,036 --> 00:02:57,050
because I have just met
my future wife!
69
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:59,034
Successfully wired
the money to Russia?
70
00:02:59,036 --> 00:03:01,030
No, it's a girl from upstairs
called Lucy.
71
00:03:01,032 --> 00:03:03,050
- We met in the hallway.
- Oh, God, Lucy?!
72
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:05,006
Yeah, Lucy. She's amazing.
73
00:03:05,008 --> 00:03:07,026
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She's a goody-goody.
74
00:03:07,028 --> 00:03:10,014
Kind of person who judges you
for not giving half your salary
75
00:03:10,016 --> 00:03:11,046
to a koala sanctuary.
76
00:03:11,048 --> 00:03:12,090
What did she say to you?
77
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:15,082
She just said she liked my scarf but
I knew what she was really saying.
78
00:03:15,084 --> 00:03:17,002
Well, I like her.
79
00:03:17,004 --> 00:03:19,066
- You have nothing in common.
- We do. - She's all nicey-nicey
80
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:22,050
and you're the person who tried to
get the Domino's delivery guy
81
00:03:22,052 --> 00:03:24,014
fired for bringing the wrong dip.
82
00:03:24,016 --> 00:03:26,038
Why would I want a barbecue dip
with a barbecue pizza?
83
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,074
It makes no sense.
84
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:30,014
If you can't pick up the right dip,
don't get on the moped.
85
00:03:30,016 --> 00:03:32,038
- Such a nice guy.
- I am a nice guy.
86
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,062
And all I've got to do is be
a nice guy for the next 60 years,
87
00:03:35,064 --> 00:03:39,030
and then me and Lucy can live
happily ever after in our nice...
88
00:03:39,032 --> 00:03:41,022
Where the shit is my shitting cake?!
89
00:03:41,024 --> 00:03:43,022
Oh, yeah, you're right.
You can be nice.
90
00:03:43,024 --> 00:03:45,014
- Where is it?
- Owen ate it last night.
91
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,034
Unbelievable.
92
00:03:46,036 --> 00:03:47,082
It didn't have your name on it.
93
00:03:47,084 --> 00:03:50,058
Yes, it did.
It said, "Happy Birthday, Josh."
94
00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:52,078
That was six quid, that cake!
95
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,066
Um, how do you know that?
96
00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,030
Cos I bought it.
97
00:03:56,032 --> 00:03:58,026
You bought yourself a birthday cake?
98
00:03:58,028 --> 00:03:59,062
It was on offer.
99
00:03:59,064 --> 00:04:02,026
What, and it just happened to say
"Happy Birthday, Josh" on it?
100
00:04:02,028 --> 00:04:03,094
No, I might have paid extra for that.
101
00:04:03,096 --> 00:04:06,002
But it's my birthday! I deserve it!
102
00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:08,022
That's the most tragic thing
I've ever heard.
103
00:04:08,024 --> 00:04:10,038
How is it tragic to give myself
the birthday I want?
104
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,030
You know I've always had
rubbish birthdays,
105
00:04:12,032 --> 00:04:14,026
being pushed into doing
what my parents want.
106
00:04:14,028 --> 00:04:17,018
So you didn't ask for the 10cc
tribute band at your ninth birthday?
107
00:04:17,020 --> 00:04:20,090
Why would I have wanted 11cc?
I wanted a bouncy castle.
108
00:04:20,092 --> 00:04:23,034
And then I didn't want the stroll
on my 10th birthday.
109
00:04:23,036 --> 00:04:25,050
On my 13th, I didn't want to go
to Debenhams...
110
00:04:25,052 --> 00:04:27,050
Ohh, do you remember
the Chelsea Flower Show?
111
00:04:27,052 --> 00:04:29,042
What's wrong with
the Chelsea Flower Show?
112
00:04:29,044 --> 00:04:31,026
Oh, God,
that was your idea, wasn't it?
113
00:04:31,028 --> 00:04:33,046
Charlie Dimmock was doing a
meet-and-greet.
114
00:04:33,048 --> 00:04:34,070
It was an incredible day!
115
00:04:34,072 --> 00:04:36,082
I really wanted that cake!
DOORBELL RINGS
116
00:04:36,084 --> 00:04:38,058
Well, you've only got
yourself to blame.
117
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,082
The thing with Owen is you have
to assert yourself.
118
00:04:40,084 --> 00:04:42,042
It's the only way you
can control him.
119
00:04:42,044 --> 00:04:43,084
All right, Supernanny.
120
00:04:45,096 --> 00:04:48,038
- Lucy!
- Hey, Josh. This is for you.
121
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,082
Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
122
00:04:50,084 --> 00:04:54,042
No, Josh,
your post got muddled up with mine.
123
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:55,056
Ha!
124
00:04:56,060 --> 00:04:58,026
- Golly.
- Don't... - I'm...
125
00:04:58,028 --> 00:04:59,050
Sorry, I feel awful now.
126
00:04:59,052 --> 00:05:01,070
I should've got you something
as soon as I realised.
127
00:05:01,072 --> 00:05:03,066
- No, no, no.
- I am so sorry! - Do not apologise.
128
00:05:03,068 --> 00:05:06,072
Your presence is enough
of a present for me. - Bleurgh!
129
00:05:08,032 --> 00:05:10,002
Got anything planned
for the big day?
130
00:05:10,004 --> 00:05:12,006
Well, my flatmate wants to
have a house party.
131
00:05:12,008 --> 00:05:13,078
Oh. I love house parties.
132
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,038
So we're having a house party!
133
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,000
Yes! Golly!
134
00:05:18,048 --> 00:05:20,024
Let's have a party.
135
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,082
I just don't think it's
going to work, Owen.
136
00:05:23,084 --> 00:05:26,042
What are you on about? It's going
to save British television.
137
00:05:26,044 --> 00:05:28,086
You bring back Win, Lose Or Draw,
presented by Danny Dyer,
138
00:05:28,088 --> 00:05:31,038
but he's allowed to swear,
including M, F and C words.
139
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,094
- How is the party coming along?
- Oh, let me just check.
140
00:05:33,096 --> 00:05:35,998
Have you heard my
Win, Lose Or Draw idea?
141
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:37,046
Yes, Danny Dyer, you told me.
142
00:05:37,048 --> 00:05:40,078
Ah, what?! 150 people not attending!
143
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,042
What is this, a protest?
144
00:05:42,044 --> 00:05:44,030
Oh, my God.
And look who is attending!
145
00:05:44,032 --> 00:05:46,078
It's just me and you.
This is so sad.
146
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,066
You've made a Facebook invite for
our normal Monday night.
147
00:05:49,068 --> 00:05:52,062
Won't this confuse Lucy? Aren't nice
people supposed to have mates?
148
00:05:52,064 --> 00:05:55,090
Yeah, she's not wrong. I went to a
party at Ben Fogle's house once,
149
00:05:55,092 --> 00:05:57,054
people were queueing
down the street.
150
00:05:57,056 --> 00:05:58,094
Owen, why aren't you attending?
151
00:05:58,096 --> 00:06:01,022
You know me,
I don't like to tie myself down.
152
00:06:01,024 --> 00:06:03,054
If I really fancy it,
I'll click "maybe attending".
153
00:06:03,056 --> 00:06:05,050
You haven't clicked
"maybe attending".
154
00:06:05,052 --> 00:06:06,074
You do the math.
155
00:06:06,076 --> 00:06:08,066
Let me have a look. OK.
156
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:10,094
"Hello. Welcome to my
birthday invite page.
157
00:06:10,096 --> 00:06:13,050
"Here you can find out
all about my event."
158
00:06:13,052 --> 00:06:16,030
- What, you've got it
on the template setting. - No, I wrote that.
159
00:06:16,032 --> 00:06:18,010
Oh, dear Lord.
160
00:06:18,012 --> 00:06:19,090
"We expect to start around 8pm.
161
00:06:19,092 --> 00:06:23,058
"Some drinks, nibbles..."
Oh, my God... You've used clip art!
162
00:06:23,060 --> 00:06:26,074
What is this, your GCSE coursework?
Are you going to quote Encarta?
163
00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:28,010
Do you want me to save the night,
164
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,086
sprinkle it with a bit of
Owen stardust?
165
00:06:29,088 --> 00:06:32,062
Definitely not. This is my party.
You two stay out of it.
166
00:06:32,064 --> 00:06:34,094
LAPTOP BEEPS
Oh, first guest!
167
00:06:34,096 --> 00:06:38,074
- Tom Gregory is attending!
- Oooh! The only guest is Kate's ex.
168
00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:40,086
- Yeah.
- I'm going to upgrade to "maybe attending".
169
00:06:40,088 --> 00:06:43,026
- Ho-ho-ho-ho ho!
- He's more than welcome.
170
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,086
Kate. He was your first boyfriend
and he dumped you.
171
00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:47,042
It's fine to be a bit bitter.
172
00:06:47,044 --> 00:06:49,026
I'm not bitter.
Because he didn't dump me.
173
00:06:49,028 --> 00:06:51,002
It was amicable.
We weren't compatible.
174
00:06:51,004 --> 00:06:53,002
In that you liked him
and he didn't like you? - No.
175
00:06:53,004 --> 00:06:55,078
When he dumped you, didn't you
throw his phone against the ground
176
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:57,062
in a fit of blind rage?
- No, that's not true.
177
00:06:57,064 --> 00:07:00,050
He gave me his phone to call for
a cab and it slipped out of my hand.
178
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:03,042
- It was a hot day.
- No human being gets that clammy.
179
00:07:03,044 --> 00:07:05,998
- I do! I'm a clammy person!
- That's cos you'd just been dumped!
180
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:09,010
LAPTOP BEEPS
Here we go, another one!
181
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,086
Oh, no. Tom's girlfriend
Cath's attending.
182
00:07:11,088 --> 00:07:13,066
Shotgun, I'm not talking to her.
183
00:07:13,068 --> 00:07:15,022
Oh, she is so boring.
184
00:07:15,024 --> 00:07:17,070
All she does is play YouTube
videos on her phone.
185
00:07:17,072 --> 00:07:21,002
Last time I met her, she played me
four TED Talks on her phone.
186
00:07:21,004 --> 00:07:23,054
- One was on the art of conversation.
- Yes, I heard that one.
187
00:07:23,056 --> 00:07:25,054
Well, I for one,
can't wait to meet her.
188
00:07:25,056 --> 00:07:27,038
I'm just glad Tom's found love.
189
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,060
Well, you keep telling yourself that.
190
00:07:32,076 --> 00:07:34,042
LAPTOP BEEPS REPEATEDLY
191
00:07:34,044 --> 00:07:36,094
Owen, who are all these people
that are coming to the party?
192
00:07:36,096 --> 00:07:39,050
- What the hell has happened?
- I had to make a few changes, mate.
193
00:07:39,052 --> 00:07:42,014
It's one of the most embarrassing
invite pages I've ever seen.
194
00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:43,998
Don't want it to go viral.
Didn't want there
195
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:45,050
to be a BuzzFeed article about you.
196
00:07:45,052 --> 00:07:47,018
Fancy dress?! I hate fancy dress!
197
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:50,014
I told you to stay off this thing.
Why do you never listen to me?
198
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:52,014
I'm not a huge fan of
fancy dress myself,
199
00:07:52,016 --> 00:07:54,018
but, you know,
desperate times and all that.
200
00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:56,038
Just seen the page - fancy dress!
Brilliant!
201
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,030
There isn't going to be
a fancy dress party.
202
00:07:58,032 --> 00:08:00,054
I am going to make the most
incredible outfit.
203
00:08:00,056 --> 00:08:02,034
It's going to be hip
but biodegradable.
204
00:08:02,036 --> 00:08:05,030
- And for those who fail
to meet the remit... - Remit?! There won't be one.
205
00:08:05,032 --> 00:08:07,054
- There's always a remit.
- Yes, there's always a remit.
206
00:08:07,056 --> 00:08:08,094
And for those who fail to meet it,
207
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:11,998
I'm going to have a box of approved
costumes for people to change into.
208
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,054
But I don't like fancy dress.
This isn't going to happen.
209
00:08:14,056 --> 00:08:15,094
And, before you ask, the remit is
210
00:08:15,096 --> 00:08:18,018
A, you've got to come
in fancy dress. Obvs.
211
00:08:18,020 --> 00:08:20,050
And B, none of that
trying-to-look-sexy crap.
212
00:08:20,052 --> 00:08:22,026
If you're going to come
as a bunny rabbit,
213
00:08:22,028 --> 00:08:24,022
it'd better be one riddled
with myxomatosis.
214
00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:27,018
- Oh. And food?
- Obvs. Mini quiche, crisps in a bowl, and then...
215
00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,094
- Bang!
MEXICAN ACCENT: - Hot quesadillas!
216
00:08:28,096 --> 00:08:30,038
No, no, no. This isn't happening.
217
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,070
Oh, come on, Josh.
This could be good for you.
218
00:08:32,072 --> 00:08:35,026
- Does Lucy like fancy dress?
- I don't know.
219
00:08:35,028 --> 00:08:37,050
- Does she like quesadillas?
- Maybe.
220
00:08:37,052 --> 00:08:39,054
Wow, it's almost like you
really don't know her.
221
00:08:39,056 --> 00:08:43,002
Look, this is my party, and you two
need to learn to stay out of it.
222
00:08:43,004 --> 00:08:44,050
How do you spell quesadillas?
223
00:08:44,052 --> 00:08:46,016
No, no, no! Stop this!
224
00:08:49,084 --> 00:08:52,038
Yes, and that's why
when you're making your own outfit,
225
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,018
you can never underestimate
the versatility of the inner tube.
226
00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:56,050
Have we got much further to go?
227
00:08:56,052 --> 00:08:58,054
This is like an audience
with Wayne Hemmingway.
228
00:08:58,056 --> 00:08:59,074
Don't worry, we're not far.
229
00:08:59,076 --> 00:09:01,074
We can grab our costumes
and then Kate can spend
230
00:09:01,076 --> 00:09:04,022
the rest of the day making
dungarees out of fuzzy felt.
231
00:09:04,024 --> 00:09:06,042
Spending the day making
an outfit from scratch is
232
00:09:06,044 --> 00:09:08,034
one of the most satisfying
things you can do.
233
00:09:08,036 --> 00:09:10,034
You sound like a press release
for a sweatshop.
234
00:09:10,036 --> 00:09:13,014
I'm just saying if you make your
own costume, it's impressive.
235
00:09:13,016 --> 00:09:14,026
It says you're creative.
236
00:09:14,028 --> 00:09:16,086
No, it doesn't. It says you've got
too much time on your hands.
237
00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:19,082
Yeah, and people already know that,
Kate. You don't need to show them.
238
00:09:19,084 --> 00:09:21,046
I thought you might give it a go,
Owen.
239
00:09:21,048 --> 00:09:23,014
No, I need to steer clear of
adhesive.
240
00:09:23,016 --> 00:09:24,090
I used to chew the glue sticks
at school.
241
00:09:24,092 --> 00:09:26,022
Made me go a bit weird.
242
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,058
What if I offer to help you make it?
I am so talented.
243
00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:32,058
When I went to my sister's birthday,
I was dressed as a boom box
244
00:09:32,060 --> 00:09:35,062
and it was so realistic that someone
tried to put a tape in my mouth!
245
00:09:35,064 --> 00:09:38,046
- Had you been talking to them
about inner tubes? - Ha-ha. Good one(!)
246
00:09:38,048 --> 00:09:41,074
Right. Art shop thataway.
Don't mind if I do.
247
00:09:41,076 --> 00:09:44,070
When you see me later this evening,
you probably won't recognise me.
248
00:09:44,072 --> 00:09:47,002
Oh, we'll definitely pretend
we don't recognise you.
249
00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:48,046
I wonder who she's going to go as?
250
00:09:48,048 --> 00:09:51,010
Texas Pete from SuperTed.
That's what I've heard.
251
00:09:51,012 --> 00:09:53,034
I went to a fancy dress party
as Mr Universe.
252
00:09:53,036 --> 00:09:54,070
Pair of trunks, piece of piss.
253
00:09:54,072 --> 00:09:57,046
I went to a fancy dress party
as Adrian Moorhouse, the swimmer who
254
00:09:57,048 --> 00:10:00,030
won gold at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.
Pair of trunks piece of piss.
255
00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:03,022
- Is it always a pair of trunks?
- Well, it's a nice pair of trunks.
256
00:10:03,024 --> 00:10:05,066
My problem is it's just
so humiliating.
257
00:10:05,068 --> 00:10:07,034
Do we really have to do this?
258
00:10:07,036 --> 00:10:10,006
Yes, the remit's very clear -
no fancy dress, no entry.
259
00:10:10,008 --> 00:10:13,034
- It's my party!
- Yes, and if you wear fancy dress, you can come.
260
00:10:13,036 --> 00:10:14,086
Oh, whoa, whoa. Check this out.
261
00:10:14,088 --> 00:10:16,054
Hey?
262
00:10:16,056 --> 00:10:18,010
Girls love a Viking.
263
00:10:18,012 --> 00:10:20,074
- You need to brush up
on your history, mate. - All right.
264
00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:23,042
Did I tell you about the fancy dress
party I went to in Cardiff
265
00:10:23,044 --> 00:10:25,006
and Tasmin Archer was there?
- No.
266
00:10:25,008 --> 00:10:27,026
Get this - she went dressed
as the moonlit sky.
267
00:10:27,028 --> 00:10:28,094
She kept getting people
to say to her,
268
00:10:28,096 --> 00:10:31,062
"But, Tasmin, that doesn't fit in
with the theme of the party,"
269
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:34,026
to which she'd reply, "Don't blame
me for the moonlit sky."
270
00:10:34,028 --> 00:10:36,030
- No, she didn't.
- Yeah, you know, people laughed.
271
00:10:36,032 --> 00:10:38,054
She'd gone to all that effort
and it's Tasmin Archer.
272
00:10:38,056 --> 00:10:40,026
That night though she slept
in the bath.
273
00:10:40,028 --> 00:10:42,074
I think she was going through
a tough patch in her career.
274
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:45,034
Now 23 had slipped out
of the charts which is inevitable.
275
00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:47,082
Oh! Nelson Mandela?
276
00:10:47,084 --> 00:10:49,018
I'm not going to black up.
277
00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:50,086
No, you're right. It's too soon.
278
00:10:50,088 --> 00:10:53,086
Ah! This is perfect!
Native American.
279
00:10:53,088 --> 00:10:55,086
Girls will think you're all nomadic.
280
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:57,082
I live in a flat share with
a 12-month contract
281
00:10:57,084 --> 00:10:59,058
and no-break clause.
- And? Just try it on.
282
00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:01,062
- I'm not going to try it on.
- Come on, it's perfect.
283
00:11:01,064 --> 00:11:03,042
No, I'll just buy it
and then we can go home.
284
00:11:03,044 --> 00:11:05,062
You can't just buy it.
At least try on the headdress.
285
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:07,090
Just leave me alone.
You keep doing this to me, Owen.
286
00:11:07,092 --> 00:11:09,082
Shove your headdress up your arse!
287
00:11:09,084 --> 00:11:11,074
Lucy!
288
00:11:11,076 --> 00:11:14,022
Hi, Josh. Wow, it's so lovely
to see you.
289
00:11:14,024 --> 00:11:16,042
So lovely to see you too!
This is my friend, Owen.
290
00:11:16,044 --> 00:11:18,030
- Oh! Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
291
00:11:18,032 --> 00:11:19,082
So is this is where you work?
292
00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:22,038
No, I work for Save the Children,
this is where I volunteer.
293
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,050
Of course, of course.
294
00:11:23,052 --> 00:11:25,046
I just think it's really
important to look out
295
00:11:25,048 --> 00:11:27,090
for the vulnerable and the elderly.
- Couldn't agree more.
296
00:11:27,092 --> 00:11:29,998
As you say,
"If we respect one another,
297
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,006
"the world becomes a happier place".
298
00:11:32,008 --> 00:11:33,998
- Is that what you say, is it?
- Yup.
299
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,070
- So, is this for the party?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.
300
00:11:36,072 --> 00:11:39,006
I had no idea it was fancy dress.
I love fancy dress!
301
00:11:39,008 --> 00:11:42,030
Oh, I love fancy dress too! We've got
so much in common, haven't we?
302
00:11:42,032 --> 00:11:45,018
I just love that these clothes
were once someone's cherished
303
00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:46,094
possessions. You know?
304
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:48,046
If these clothes could talk...
305
00:11:48,048 --> 00:11:51,002
Yeah. They'd say, "Dry-clean me".
306
00:11:51,004 --> 00:11:53,042
Oh, no, he's joking.
You're joking, aren't you, Owen?
307
00:11:53,044 --> 00:11:56,026
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm joking.
I'm only pulling your leg. - Oh, right.
308
00:11:56,028 --> 00:11:58,018
Oh, it's such an amazing shop.
309
00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:00,070
It's like a museum of memories,
isn't it?
310
00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:01,078
Yeah.
311
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,050
You know, actually I really
appreciate you guys shopping here.
312
00:12:04,052 --> 00:12:06,090
You know, your money will go to
such a good cause.
313
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:08,094
I think it's really
important that we look out
314
00:12:08,096 --> 00:12:10,010
for the elderly, you know?
315
00:12:10,012 --> 00:12:12,030
I couldn't agree more.
Do you know what I always say?
316
00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,998
If we don't show love to the elderly,
317
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,090
how can we show love to ourselves?
318
00:12:15,092 --> 00:12:17,022
(Jesus Christ.)
319
00:12:17,024 --> 00:12:18,040
Wow.
320
00:12:19,048 --> 00:12:20,998
Exactly!
321
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,030
Sorry, I'm a bit embarrassed.
Just sometimes this really gets me.
322
00:12:24,032 --> 00:12:26,090
No, no, no, no, no.
Come here, come here.
323
00:12:26,092 --> 00:12:29,004
SHE CRIES
324
00:12:35,072 --> 00:12:38,048
DOORBELL RINGS
325
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,042
- Hi, Kate.
- Geoff. You're early.
326
00:12:47,044 --> 00:12:50,070
Just come for my monthly
inspection of the smoke alarms.
327
00:12:50,072 --> 00:12:52,034
- Geoff?
- Yes?
328
00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:54,018
Why are you in a banana suit?
329
00:12:54,020 --> 00:12:57,002
- Oh, just been training for my fun run.
- Dressed as a banana?
330
00:12:57,004 --> 00:12:59,026
Yeah, well, you've got to
replicate race conditions
331
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:02,042
so I've been on the treadmill
down at the gym in my race outfit.
332
00:13:02,044 --> 00:13:04,058
Wow. Did you get any funny looks?
333
00:13:04,060 --> 00:13:06,070
I don't know,
I've got tunnel vision.
334
00:13:06,072 --> 00:13:08,066
So, why are you still wearing it?
335
00:13:08,068 --> 00:13:11,082
Lost my locker key.
There's no pocket in this outfit.
336
00:13:11,084 --> 00:13:13,042
It's not as practical as it looks.
337
00:13:13,044 --> 00:13:18,002
Anyway, on to the more
important issue...
338
00:13:18,004 --> 00:13:20,002
of your potential death
339
00:13:20,004 --> 00:13:22,086
in the event of an
out-of-control house fire.
340
00:13:22,088 --> 00:13:25,030
Look, Geoff, I'm quite busy
right now so could you just...
341
00:13:25,032 --> 00:13:27,022
You know the drill,
locate the nearest exit
342
00:13:27,024 --> 00:13:29,054
and evacuate the premises
immediately.
343
00:13:29,056 --> 00:13:31,070
We don't want you being
frazzled to death
344
00:13:31,072 --> 00:13:34,054
because you wanted to see the end
of Question of Sport, do we?
345
00:13:34,056 --> 00:13:36,058
- Yes, very useful, Geoff.
- Perfect.
346
00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:38,038
- Geoff?
- Guilty as charged.
347
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,086
It's the world's oldest banana.
348
00:13:39,088 --> 00:13:42,050
- I didn't know you were coming
to the birthday party? - Owen!
349
00:13:42,052 --> 00:13:44,082
Party? I didn't know
you were having a party.
350
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:46,022
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tonight.
351
00:13:46,024 --> 00:13:49,026
Oh, well, in that case,
happy birthday, Owen.
352
00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,002
- Oh, no.
- It's not his birthday, it's mine.
353
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:53,034
Well, then why is
he doling out the invites?
354
00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:54,042
Good question!
355
00:13:54,044 --> 00:13:56,054
Er, it's fancy dress.
356
00:13:56,056 --> 00:13:58,018
I shall have to have a root around.
357
00:13:58,020 --> 00:14:00,016
See if I can find something to wear.
358
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,076
Where did you find all this stuff?
359
00:14:12,028 --> 00:14:17,030
OK. Are you ready to see
my incredible outfit?
360
00:14:17,032 --> 00:14:19,058
Suppose so.
361
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:22,026
Ra-ta-ta!
362
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,034
Ha! I'm Guinness!
363
00:14:24,036 --> 00:14:25,062
I can see that.
364
00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:27,054
Think this should break the
awkwardness?
365
00:14:27,056 --> 00:14:28,078
Who with, Shane MacGowan?
366
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,074
No, you know how everyone's
saying I'm bitter
367
00:14:30,076 --> 00:14:31,998
about the break-up with Tom?
368
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:35,070
- Well, tonight, I'm not bitter, I'm Guinness!
- Oh, God, no.
369
00:14:35,072 --> 00:14:37,038
Which is the opposite of bitter.
370
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,070
Sorry,
how do you see this playing out?
371
00:14:39,072 --> 00:14:41,026
OK, sample conversation.
372
00:14:41,028 --> 00:14:44,014
Tom - "Kate, are you bitter?"
Kate - "No, I'm Guinness."
373
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:45,042
Tom - "Hold me."
374
00:14:45,044 --> 00:14:47,058
Kate - "No, sorry, mate,
don't see you that way".
375
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:49,070
How early did you start
the drinking?
376
00:14:49,072 --> 00:14:52,070
Hey, guys!
Are you ready to be wowed?
377
00:14:52,072 --> 00:14:54,036
BOTH:
Yes!
378
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,026
REDNECK ACCENT:
You're under arrest!
379
00:14:58,028 --> 00:14:59,058
Oh! Don't you look...!
380
00:14:59,060 --> 00:15:01,090
You need to get me some doughnuts
and coffee, ma'am,
381
00:15:01,092 --> 00:15:03,070
- I'm on a stakeout!
- Oh, no, don't shoot!
382
00:15:03,072 --> 00:15:05,004
What the hell are you doing?
383
00:15:06,032 --> 00:15:08,022
- I'm a cop.
- Yeah, no, I can see that.
384
00:15:08,024 --> 00:15:11,002
But no, no, no. A minute ago,
I was a noble Native American,
385
00:15:11,004 --> 00:15:13,078
now I'm one of the Village People.
- Why have you come as one of them?
386
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,070
I haven't.
You've made me into one.
387
00:15:15,072 --> 00:15:18,030
You're going to need to get changed.
What else have you got?
388
00:15:18,032 --> 00:15:19,082
Erm... Yellow hard hat?
389
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,038
That's the same issue.
390
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,014
Oh, relax. It'll be all right.
391
00:15:23,016 --> 00:15:25,062
No, but I have to try and seduce
the love of my life
392
00:15:25,064 --> 00:15:28,078
dressed as a member of one of the
most iconic homosexual pop groups
393
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,002
of the 20th century.
- Oh, chill out.
394
00:15:31,004 --> 00:15:33,006
No, you are going to need to wear
something else.
395
00:15:33,008 --> 00:15:35,026
Go get something from the
emergency fancy dress box
396
00:15:35,028 --> 00:15:37,042
in Kate's room.
- Why should I change? I look great.
397
00:15:37,044 --> 00:15:39,998
- Why don't you get changed?
- Cos I bought this from Lucy's shop
398
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,010
and she said the headdress
brings out my eyes.
399
00:15:42,012 --> 00:15:44,078
Oh, God. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Boom!
400
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,090
Right. That is it.
401
00:15:45,092 --> 00:15:48,010
First, there was the day trip
to High Barnet.
402
00:15:48,012 --> 00:15:49,074
Then you stole my cake.
403
00:15:49,076 --> 00:15:52,998
Then you took over the party
and invited Geoff. And now this.
404
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,998
Don't stand next to me tonight
in case Lucy thinks that we're,
405
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,090
you know... In fact, do not talk
to me at all tonight.
406
00:15:58,092 --> 00:16:01,048
Understand?
- All right. Suit yourself. - Good.
407
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,064
Why have you come
as a pint of bitter?
408
00:16:10,076 --> 00:16:13,056
MUSIC: Raspberry Beret
by Prince
409
00:16:20,064 --> 00:16:22,076
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it!
410
00:16:26,056 --> 00:16:27,086
Hey, mate!
411
00:16:27,088 --> 00:16:29,086
Hey, good to see you, Tom, Cath.
Come on in.
412
00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:31,042
- Hi!
- Good to see you. - Nice outfits.
413
00:16:31,044 --> 00:16:33,026
- Same, mate.
- You too.
414
00:16:33,028 --> 00:16:34,998
- How!
- How? What?
415
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,014
Sorry. I thought that's what
Native Americans do.
416
00:16:37,016 --> 00:16:39,998
Oh, right, yeah.
Or "stop decimating our culture"?
417
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,074
Oh, Lucy would have loved that.
418
00:16:41,076 --> 00:16:43,018
- Tom!
- Kate!
419
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:45,014
- Hi, nice to see you!
- How you doing?
420
00:16:45,016 --> 00:16:47,022
- Ah, sorry can't hug.
- Hey!
421
00:16:47,024 --> 00:16:48,504
- Cath, lovely to meet you.
- And you!
422
00:16:51,056 --> 00:16:53,034
Ahh. You're John Lennon?
423
00:16:53,036 --> 00:16:54,086
Yeah, that's the idea, yeah, yeah.
424
00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:57,054
- No-one's come as Mark Chapman.
- Shame. - Shame?
425
00:16:57,056 --> 00:16:59,082
No, I didn't mean shame,
I meant... it's fine!
426
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,090
- No-one's going to shoot you!
- Great.
427
00:17:01,092 --> 00:17:04,026
You're Yoko Ono? Of course you are.
428
00:17:04,028 --> 00:17:05,078
What do you mean?
429
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,998
No, no, not because of how she was,
because of...
430
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,070
- Cos he's, you know...
- Because of the...
431
00:17:09,072 --> 00:17:12,082
- I mean, having you been spending
all week in bed together? - Sorry?
432
00:17:12,084 --> 00:17:16,006
For peace. For peace, not sex!
433
00:17:16,008 --> 00:17:19,046
- I mean, you're allowed
to have sex, that's fine. - Thank you.
434
00:17:19,048 --> 00:17:23,054
It's natural.
Anyway, I am a Guinness.
435
00:17:23,056 --> 00:17:25,060
- Yeah.
- Cos...?
436
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,096
I'm not bitter.
437
00:17:30,048 --> 00:17:31,076
OK.
438
00:17:34,048 --> 00:17:35,050
Shall we get you a drink?
439
00:17:35,052 --> 00:17:37,082
- Let's do that, yeah.
- Yeah, go on through, guys.
440
00:17:37,084 --> 00:17:39,014
Go and join the party.
441
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,036
See you in a minute.
442
00:17:44,004 --> 00:17:46,016
DOORBELL RINGS
443
00:17:48,084 --> 00:17:50,094
Geoff. You came.
444
00:17:50,096 --> 00:17:53,026
- As an apple...
- Bit of a squeeze.
445
00:17:53,028 --> 00:17:56,026
- That Tube journey was a nightmare.
- Hmm.
446
00:17:56,028 --> 00:17:57,052
What have you come as?
447
00:17:58,088 --> 00:18:00,000
Guinness.
448
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,078
OK, there you are.
449
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:09,082
One for you, and one for you.
450
00:18:09,084 --> 00:18:11,086
Hang on a minute, I said no sexy.
451
00:18:11,088 --> 00:18:13,026
Did you not read the remit?
452
00:18:13,028 --> 00:18:15,010
- Can you please go and get changed?
- Hi, Kate.
453
00:18:15,012 --> 00:18:18,050
Hi, Cath! Hi.
I'm so glad you're here.
454
00:18:18,052 --> 00:18:21,054
- Me too. Great outfit.
- Thank you.
455
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:24,006
Tick followed tock
followed tick followed tock.
456
00:18:24,008 --> 00:18:27,018
LAUGHS:
Yeah, tick-tock tick-tock.
457
00:18:27,020 --> 00:18:29,050
Do you have any idea what
I'm talking about?
458
00:18:29,052 --> 00:18:31,022
No, no idea.
459
00:18:31,024 --> 00:18:33,062
The Guinness advert.
With the horses.
460
00:18:33,064 --> 00:18:34,074
Um?
461
00:18:34,076 --> 00:18:38,054
- Oh, my God, you haven't seen it?
- No. - OK. Give me a second.
462
00:18:38,056 --> 00:18:40,046
- Just go onto YouTube.
- OK.
463
00:18:40,048 --> 00:18:42,998
- Go to my Favourites file.
- Yeah, yeah.
464
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,050
Guinness advert.
465
00:18:44,052 --> 00:18:45,998
There we go.
466
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,044
- Buffering.
- Yeah.
467
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:51,052
Old Billy Buffer!
468
00:18:54,048 --> 00:18:56,028
Old Billy's back in town.
469
00:18:59,036 --> 00:19:01,046
- Are you staying for the whole party?
- Of course.
470
00:19:01,048 --> 00:19:02,074
Great news.
471
00:19:02,076 --> 00:19:05,026
I developed this terrible
flaky skin condition.
472
00:19:05,028 --> 00:19:06,086
It was all over my hands
473
00:19:06,088 --> 00:19:10,050
and in the end I had to give up
my job at the sandwich bar. - Mm.
474
00:19:10,052 --> 00:19:12,086
Oh, you'll love this, Mr McCartney.
475
00:19:12,088 --> 00:19:15,062
- Er, it's Lennon.
- Guess who my favourite band is?
476
00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:16,078
The Beatles?
477
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,030
No, it's the Corrs.
478
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:21,014
Although The Beatles would kind
of work, they were signed to Apple.
479
00:19:21,016 --> 00:19:22,070
No, it's The Corrs.
480
00:19:22,072 --> 00:19:24,034
Anyhow...
481
00:19:24,036 --> 00:19:26,022
I'm off to find
the little apples' room.
482
00:19:26,024 --> 00:19:28,010
Dispense a little cider.
483
00:19:28,012 --> 00:19:29,044
Not to defecate.
484
00:19:35,096 --> 00:19:38,074
- Come on, mate, bit of privacy.
- Sorry.
485
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:40,012
Undignified.
486
00:20:38,016 --> 00:20:41,044
MUSIC: Steal My Sunshine
by Len
487
00:20:53,036 --> 00:20:56,030
Oh, my God, Lucy, you came!
Oh, you look great.
488
00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:59,082
Thank you. I really adore cats.
I've adopted two strays.
489
00:20:59,084 --> 00:21:03,054
They're just so loving
and so non-judgemental, you know?
490
00:21:03,056 --> 00:21:06,002
If only humans were more like that.
491
00:21:06,004 --> 00:21:07,018
No, no, no. Oi!
492
00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:09,998
Bagpuss, none of that sexy crap.
Get changed now!
493
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,070
I'm really sorry about my flatmate.
494
00:21:11,072 --> 00:21:13,998
- She's joking, right?
- Garfield!
495
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,052
Unless you want to lose one of
your nine lives, find a new outfit!
496
00:21:18,084 --> 00:21:21,002
You know what, Josh,
this probably isn't for me.
497
00:21:21,004 --> 00:21:22,046
I think I'm just going to leave.
498
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:24,054
No, no, no. Lucy, please.
Can I explain?
499
00:21:24,056 --> 00:21:26,034
It's a psychological condition.
500
00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:28,046
She's got genuine anger issues.
501
00:21:28,048 --> 00:21:30,050
I've kind of taken her
under my wing.
502
00:21:30,052 --> 00:21:32,018
To try and impart calm?
503
00:21:32,020 --> 00:21:34,038
In many ways, she's my stray cat.
504
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,026
That's very sweet of you.
505
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:38,082
Look, there's a box of spare
fancy dress costumes for people
506
00:21:38,084 --> 00:21:39,090
that didn't bring any.
507
00:21:39,092 --> 00:21:43,026
Can I go and get you one, for
Kate's anxieties more than anything?
508
00:21:43,028 --> 00:21:45,002
Well, seeing as it's you.
509
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:46,325
Thank you. I'll see you in a bit.
510
00:22:02,092 --> 00:22:05,082
Because if you look,
the building is still there.
511
00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:08,058
And that's why 9/11
was an inside job.
512
00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:10,998
Ah. That is genuinely fascinating.
513
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,018
If you think that's
fascinating then...
514
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:15,034
Cath, I just need to swap
my Spotify playlist from
515
00:22:15,036 --> 00:22:17,038
Kate's Cool Cuts to
Flavoursome Floor Fillers.
516
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,998
Oh, have you got that one
that goes...
517
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,014
Oh-chika-ow-chika
Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh.
518
00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:24,006
- I can't remember what it's called.
- Oh, well.
519
00:22:24,008 --> 00:22:26,010
I'll Shazam it.
520
00:22:26,012 --> 00:22:29,030
Oh-chika-ow-chika
Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh.
521
00:22:29,032 --> 00:22:32,076
Oh-chika-ow-chika,
Oh-chika-ow-chika, uhh, chika...
522
00:22:39,032 --> 00:22:41,998
- Oh, sorry.
- Owen? Owen, is that you?
523
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,074
Yeah, yeah. Is that Geoff?
524
00:22:43,076 --> 00:22:46,010
Is my apple outfit out there?
525
00:22:46,012 --> 00:22:48,078
Er, no, why would it be?
526
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,090
I had to get out of the apple
to get into the toilet.
527
00:22:51,092 --> 00:22:54,030
But when I came out,
the apple was gone.
528
00:22:54,032 --> 00:22:57,054
Er, sorry, Geoff.
Is this is this a maths problem?
529
00:22:57,056 --> 00:23:00,002
You've got to find it, Owen.
I'm stuck in here in my pants.
530
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:01,038
Well, why can't you look for it?
531
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,026
I can't wander around the party
in my pants!
532
00:23:03,028 --> 00:23:05,002
Just say you've come
as Adrian Moorhouse
533
00:23:05,004 --> 00:23:06,030
at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.
534
00:23:06,032 --> 00:23:07,998
- No, Owen!
- Mr Universe?
535
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:09,018
I'm body-conscious, Owen.
536
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:12,038
- The media have given me
unrealistic expectations. - Oh, OK.
537
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,050
You've got to find it.
538
00:23:13,052 --> 00:23:15,094
You're looking for a Granny Smith,
only bigger.
539
00:23:15,096 --> 00:23:17,078
Right.
540
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:19,058
Much bigger.
541
00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:21,042
OK.
542
00:23:21,044 --> 00:23:23,018
They're just dying out
543
00:23:23,020 --> 00:23:25,070
and nobody's doing
anything about it.
544
00:23:25,072 --> 00:23:26,074
Do you know what?
545
00:23:26,076 --> 00:23:29,074
The real sting in the tail would be
life without the British honeybee.
546
00:23:29,076 --> 00:23:31,042
You're very sweet.
547
00:23:31,044 --> 00:23:33,086
- Josh, Josh! Can I have a quick word?
- Not now, not now, Owen.
548
00:23:33,088 --> 00:23:36,046
- No, please, it'll take two minutes, please?
- Not now. Not now.
549
00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:39,002
- Can I have a quick word?
It'll take ten seconds! - OK! OK!
550
00:23:39,004 --> 00:23:41,046
I'll be back. Just hold that thought,
I'll be back in a sec.
551
00:23:41,048 --> 00:23:44,020
- Yeah, OK. Oh.
- Oh, sorry. - Tight squeeze.
552
00:23:45,064 --> 00:23:48,046
Owen, I was about to seal the deal
then you come along
553
00:23:48,048 --> 00:23:49,094
and ruin things for me again!
554
00:23:49,096 --> 00:23:52,070
What is it now? You want me to find
you a parking space in Aberdeen?
555
00:23:52,072 --> 00:23:55,062
Listen, I was talking to Geoff.
I don't know how it's happened but...
556
00:23:55,064 --> 00:23:58,066
No, no. I've told you
I am not talking to you tonight. OK?
557
00:23:58,068 --> 00:24:01,038
- Oi!
SINGS: - Y-M-C-A!
558
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,066
Sweetcorn!
559
00:24:02,068 --> 00:24:05,046
- That is exactly why. Now piss off.
- All right.
560
00:24:05,048 --> 00:24:07,090
Did you hear... did you hear it?
Did you hear that?
561
00:24:07,092 --> 00:24:10,006
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, no, I can hear the coughing.
562
00:24:10,008 --> 00:24:12,018
They were right not to give him
the million. Yeah.
563
00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:16,006
- Exactly! Can I get a high five!
- Yeah.
564
00:24:16,008 --> 00:24:18,086
- Can I get a low five!
- OK(!)
565
00:24:18,088 --> 00:24:19,094
There you go.
566
00:24:19,096 --> 00:24:22,054
Do you know what, Kate? This has
been so nice to get to know you.
567
00:24:22,056 --> 00:24:25,014
- Yeah.
- Tom said that you'd really struggled with the break-up
568
00:24:25,016 --> 00:24:27,066
but I think that it's great that
we're getting on like this.
569
00:24:27,068 --> 00:24:29,082
Yeah, well, cos I'm not...
570
00:24:29,084 --> 00:24:33,034
OK. I'm going to zip to the loo
but I must let you watch this.
571
00:24:33,036 --> 00:24:35,070
It's a TED Talk on
the art of conversation.
572
00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:37,028
Conversation, yeah, thanks.
573
00:24:40,004 --> 00:24:41,050
FIRE ALARM BEEPS
574
00:24:41,052 --> 00:24:43,030
Oh, sh...!
575
00:24:43,032 --> 00:24:44,048
Oh!
576
00:24:47,020 --> 00:24:49,082
SHE COUGHS
It's fine. Don't panic!
577
00:24:49,084 --> 00:24:52,056
Don't panic, everyone,
everything's under control!
578
00:24:59,072 --> 00:25:02,066
- Don't worry, it's just the smoke alarm.
- Maybe we should do something.
579
00:25:02,068 --> 00:25:05,066
- No, it's just Kate's quesadillas.
- But she looks like she needs a hand.
580
00:25:05,068 --> 00:25:06,998
No, no, no. She doesn't.
581
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,070
Listen, she needs to learn to
stand on her own two feet.
582
00:25:09,072 --> 00:25:11,998
FIRE ALARM CEASES
583
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,058
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.
584
00:25:13,060 --> 00:25:15,066
The reasons I want to be
a UNICEF ambassador.
585
00:25:15,068 --> 00:25:17,026
Oi, oi, the stripper's here!
586
00:25:17,028 --> 00:25:18,058
Stripper?
587
00:25:18,060 --> 00:25:21,014
Josh, I never thought you'd be
the type to order a stripper.
588
00:25:21,016 --> 00:25:23,014
No, no, I'm not the kind of... What?
Oh, my God!
589
00:25:23,016 --> 00:25:26,058
Can I start by reassuring everybody
I am not a stripper,
590
00:25:26,060 --> 00:25:29,006
I am just a man who is
exciting calmly.
591
00:25:29,008 --> 00:25:30,070
No, no, no, don't, Geoff, it's fine.
592
00:25:30,072 --> 00:25:32,050
I just burnt the quesadillas.
593
00:25:32,052 --> 00:25:33,086
Why are you dressed like that?
594
00:25:33,088 --> 00:25:36,034
My costume's been stolen.
There's a thief in the house.
595
00:25:36,036 --> 00:25:39,058
- Oh, no. Wait, that's my costume!
- There she is.
596
00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:41,058
I didn't steal this.
Josh gave it to me.
597
00:25:41,060 --> 00:25:43,074
- No. Why would I...?
- Did you take this man's costume
598
00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:45,062
and give it to me to wear?
- Why would I do that?
599
00:25:45,064 --> 00:25:46,086
For a cheap laugh, I expect.
600
00:25:46,088 --> 00:25:49,010
Is that why you invited me here?
Just to make fun of me?
601
00:25:49,012 --> 00:25:50,018
I didn't invite you.
602
00:25:50,020 --> 00:25:52,998
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
The last cut is the deepest.
603
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,046
You know, earlier he called me
the world's oldest banana.
604
00:25:55,048 --> 00:25:58,058
That is literally the cruellest
thing I've ever heard.
605
00:25:58,060 --> 00:26:02,010
Why would you taunt an old man
with such confusing things?
606
00:26:02,012 --> 00:26:03,054
What are you, a nasty bully?
607
00:26:03,056 --> 00:26:04,084
No, no, I'm not!
608
00:26:05,084 --> 00:26:07,034
Did you listen to the TED Talk?
609
00:26:07,036 --> 00:26:11,034
Oh, yeah. Er, oh... Ow! Oh!
610
00:26:11,036 --> 00:26:13,022
What the hell have you done
to my phone?!
611
00:26:13,024 --> 00:26:15,078
- Not again, Kate!
- It was hot!
612
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,054
That's what you said last time!
How the hell are you still bitter?
613
00:26:18,056 --> 00:26:20,054
So, so bitter.
614
00:26:20,056 --> 00:26:22,998
I am not bitter, I am a Guinness!
615
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,074
Why don't you watch a cocking
YouTube video about it?!
616
00:26:25,076 --> 00:26:28,998
It's OK. It's OK.
I know what it's like.
617
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,094
My sister had a very similar
condition.
618
00:26:30,096 --> 00:26:32,082
- No, Lucy...
- What do you mean "condition"?
619
00:26:32,084 --> 00:26:35,066
Your anger. Josh told me that
he needed to nurture you
620
00:26:35,068 --> 00:26:37,046
because of your condition.
621
00:26:37,048 --> 00:26:39,094
The only thing Josh is
nurturing is a desire to
622
00:26:39,096 --> 00:26:42,038
get into your ethically-sourced
fair-trade knickers,
623
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:43,998
you simpering twat.
624
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:47,026
Incredible.
You are just a house of bullies!
625
00:26:47,028 --> 00:26:48,066
No, we're not!
626
00:26:48,068 --> 00:26:50,038
I live here and I'm not a bully.
627
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,062
Right. Sorry, Owen.
I shouldn't have said that.
628
00:26:52,064 --> 00:26:53,082
I really like your costume.
629
00:26:53,084 --> 00:26:55,050
Oh, thanks. I'm glad somebody does.
630
00:26:55,052 --> 00:26:59,010
Josh wouldn't let us stand together
in case we seem homosexual.
631
00:26:59,012 --> 00:27:00,062
You're homophobic as well!
632
00:27:00,064 --> 00:27:03,034
No, I'm not homophobic. I just didn't
want to ruin my chances!
633
00:27:03,036 --> 00:27:04,998
What chances?
634
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,070
With you.
635
00:27:06,072 --> 00:27:08,012
Goodbye, Josh.
636
00:27:17,064 --> 00:27:19,060
I will dry-clean this and return it.
637
00:27:25,032 --> 00:27:26,113
She seems like a nice girl.
638
00:27:32,056 --> 00:27:34,074
Oh, that was a real success.
I really enjoyed that.
639
00:27:34,076 --> 00:27:36,090
I should've gone to
the Chelsea Flower Show.
640
00:27:36,092 --> 00:27:38,026
Yeah, or Debenhams.
641
00:27:38,028 --> 00:27:40,042
Anyway, goodnight, birthday boy.
642
00:27:40,044 --> 00:27:42,008
Yeah. Happy birthday, mate.
643
00:27:43,044 --> 00:27:46,032
Uh, yeah, oh, yeah.
644
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,036
Come on, mate, bit of privacy.
645
00:27:53,060 --> 00:27:55,024
Owen, I'm coming in with you.
646
00:27:57,012 --> 00:27:59,004
I heard it from a friend
647
00:28:00,064 --> 00:28:03,038
The revolution never happened
648
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,030
Sigh
A little die
649
00:28:05,032 --> 00:28:07,064
No more a child
Goodbye
650
00:28:10,096 --> 00:28:14,018
Now where's the woollen sweater
651
00:28:14,020 --> 00:28:16,090
You mentioned in the letter?
652
00:28:16,092 --> 00:28:19,014
Imply
The other guy
653
00:28:19,016 --> 00:28:21,056
And scandalise the lion.
654
00:28:21,106 --> 00:28:25,656
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