All language subtitles for Eating Out All You Can Eat (2009)

- Come, come to me,

mi hijo.

- Tiffani, you are crying.

Why, my darling?

- Oh, Ernesto,

it's just I've been

with so many men.

- Have there been many?

- No.

- It will not matter

if you have been

with millions of men.

- Well,

you're getting warm.

With other men it's just sex.

Random trashy sex

that goes on for days.

But with you,

I will finally make love.

Oh, Ernesto,

I totally love you.

- I want to make

many children.

- Yes, children.

Put children in me now!

Fuck me now!

Harder, Ernesto, come on.

Oh, yes, fuck me

like a day laborer.

Yeah, baby,

take me from behind.

Use me, treat me

like a fuck machine.

Rarrr, rarrr, rarrr!

- In the butt?

- Yes, in the butt, now.

- Tiffani, we must stop.

- If you stop

I'll rip off your dick

and shove it in there myself.

- Tiffani,

we're in a coffin.

- Shut up,

you're ruining my fantasy.

- Tiffani.

- Shit, my speech.

Gracias, Ernesto.

I love funerals.

- Kyle and Mark loved life,

and that's why

we're here today.

My son was so proud

of his homosexuality

that he would want you all

to know exactly how he died.

My son rocketed off

this mortal coil

at 80 miles an hour

down the Ronald Regan freeway

while giving the man he loved

a blowjob.

According

to the autopsy report,

as Mark began to bust a nut,

Celine Dion's tour bus appeared

going in the wrong direction.

Upon impact,

my boys came together.

And they died together,

doing what they loved.

Amen.

Kyle's best friend,

Tiffani Vanderslut,

has prepared a special tribute.

- I wouldn't call us

best friends exactly.

This number goes out to you,

Kyle and Mark.

Kinda sucks they're dead, huh?

I remember the time

Kyle pretended to be straight

for my ex boyfriend, Troy,

who made him eat my pussy.

And then everything went...

Well, maybe that's not

an appropriate memory.

And Mark.

Actually I hardly knew you

but whatever,

thanks for coming.

Here's a little diddy

I learned in Girl Scouts.

I had to look up the lyrics

online.

# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Cum-ba-ya, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Oh lord, cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's praying, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's squirming, #

# my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Someone's horny, my lord, #

# cum-by-ya. #

# Oh yes, my lord! #

# Cum-by-ya. #

Oh, God, it's so hard,

I just need to...

pray.

- Lord,

hear our prayer.

- I'm gonna love

this town.

- It isn't much,

but I can give you

a good deal on the rent.

- It's perfection.

- You haven't seen it.

- It's near my Aunt,

what more could I want?

- Well, it is furnished

and it'll be nice

to have family around.

- Thank you, Aunt Helen.

- I just wish you and Kyle

could've spent

more time together.

Did he know you were a mo?

- Uh...

I didn't know I was a mo

until like a year ago.

- Color me, Britney.

I always thought you were gayer

than a midnight screening

of Showgirls.

- I was

one of those clueless gays.

Everyone knew but me.

- So when did you finally

get your man-cherry popped?

- Aunt Helen!

You don't wanna hear about that.

- Of course I do.

I wouldn't be a good aunt

if I didn't.

- 696? Is that local?

- Well, I gave your number

to that slut

from the funeral, Tiffani.

- Oh, I love her.

- Kyle adored her.

And, well, I thought

you might need some new friends,

even if they are loser whores.

- Hello?

- Casey, Casey.

- Hey, Tiffani.

- How did you know

it was me?

- I remembered

your sultry voice

form the funeral.

- Compliments

will get you nowhere

unless you're straight.

And hung like Mr. T.

- Damn and damn.

- As I thought.

Your aunt tells me

you need a job,

why don't you get

your faggoty ass

down to 4255 Hawthorne Lane.

- You are such a stud.

- I know.

Fuff!

Where have you been

sticking these things?

- Oh!

- Go on,

go get your tramp on.

- Thank you, Aunt Helen.

- I am the coolest adult

in the world.

Oh, Kyle...

My little queen.

- Nail Me, we do nails.

With release!

No, I'm kidding, I mean,

unless you're a really hot guy.

Are you?

Well, I'm sorry you don't find

my brand of humor...

Well, I'm sorry I offended

your Christian sensibility,

but if you worship a guy

who was hung on a cross,

nails should be the last thing

on your mind.

Who needs customer

like her anyway.

- Let me introduce you

to the girls.

Pam, Candy.

- They said they can't wait

to get to know you.

- Cool.

Tell them I feel the same way.

- Basically, you sweep up,

take phone calls

and do whatever we say.

Can you handle that?

- Is Madonna awesome?

- Okay.

Well the job's yours anyway,

but there's one little catch.

You have to come with me

to this event thingy.

- I love event thingies.

- You try too hard.

Come on.

- Right now?

What about work?

- Fuck them.

- Fuck you, too.

- What are we doing here?

I don't like places like this.

- Me neither,

but they have this fundraiser

where they auction off dates

with shirtless beefcakes.

Nudity and open bar.

- You're taking me to that?!

- No, it's in two weeks.

And you're taking me.

Kyle was going to,

but, you know, he's dead.

So you're going to volunteer

and get us free tickets.

- But I'm so not

a hot shirtless man.

- You're hardly a man,

no one would pay for you,

you'll help out

behind the scenes.

- Why would I do that?

- I gave you that job

and I can replace you

with an immigrant, like that!

- Okay, okay,

it's just that I'm not

into the whole gay scene.

- Welcome

to the whole gay scene.

Are you kids here

to volunteer?

- I'm not but Casey is.

- Fabulous.

Darling, you're shaking

like a little Chihuahua.

Don't be nervous,

I don't bite...much.

- He's never volunteered

before.

- Oh, a virgin.

- If you don't count

anal.

- Well, either way,

fill out this paperwork

and then I'll have Zack,

our volunteer coordinator,

meet with you and figure out

which position

you'd be most comfortable in.

So to speak.

- That's why

I don't like these places.

They're full of these

old horn dogs

looking to get laid.

- Jesus.

Lay off the fox news.

- Really, I always hear

'the gay community' this,

the 'gay community' that.

But all I see are a bunch

of drunk assholes

looking for sex,

who don't care anything

about relationships.

- Excuse me,

Maria full of grace,

but that doesn't sound

any different

than any straight bar.

Drunk sweaty men.

Drooling, groping,

pressing their manhood

all up against

your supple ass

on the dance floor.

- God, you are gayer

than I am.

- Honey, I'm gayer

than a Kevin Spacey

Anderson Cooper chicken wrap,

and what's wrong with that?

- Nothing, it's just

I'm disappointed

at how sex-centric

the gay community is.

- It's called homosexual,

not homo-hug-ual,

what did you expect?

- Romance?

I want to travel the world

on scooters, adopt children.

- Children

are just abortions that eat.

- You know what?

Forget it, I am not signing

that stupid...

Oh, my fuck.

- I see you got

your paperwork.

- Uh, yeah...

just let me sign it.

- Cool.

Jonathan?

- Uh, Casey.

- Oh, I'm Zack.

This is Tandy.

- I'm his best friend.

- That's so funny,

I'm here with my best friend,

Tiffani.

- No, I'm more like

your boss.

- Wow, best friends

with T names.

- Yeah, we should like

form a club.

- Excuse me,

I gotta go take a shit.

- I'll come with.

- So you're comfortable

taking off your clothes?

- What?

- Oh, I just assumed

you were volunteering

to be one of the studs

in the male sale.

- I'm clearly not a...

stud.

Are you a...a stud?

I mean in the male sale?

- Yes, I'm in the auction.

But I sorta do

everything around here.

- So, wow, how'd you get

into volunteering?

- I'm running credit

for this faggotry studies class

and it's a good way

to meet people.

- Totally good way.

- Well, they look

like they're getting along.

- I guess we have to pretend

to like each other now.

- Wow, you're really good

at it.

- What are some

of your skills?

- Huh?

- Things you can do

to help with the auction?

Since we can't sell you.

- Well...

what are your skills?

- Brochures, visual stuff,

I'm an art major.

I design all the posters here.

- I can't even

make a smiley on my cellphone.

- Can you write?

- Does texting count?

- Maybe you could write

the copy

for one of the flyers

I'm designing.

We could work on it together.

- I'd love to.

- Can I get your number?

- Really?

- Yeah, you didn't write it

on your form.

- Oh, yeah.

- Do you know

the Blue Dahlia Caf�?

- Uh, yeah.

- Let's meet there tomorrow

at 4:00.

We'll put you to work.

- Okay, well, here's

my number and you can have it

too, if you want to...

- Zack!

Can we leave this dump already?

I can feel the troll

sucking our youth away.

- Lionel.

This is my boyfriend.

- Oh, great.

- Me, you, talk in private.

Now.

- Excuse us.

You didn't have to come

if you're gonna be like this.

- You're the one complaining

we never get to spend

enough time together.

Well, here I am.

- With your friends.

- Hey.

We're letting you

auction us off for this dump.

Be grateful.

Let's get out of here.

- I'm signed up

for another hour.

- I'll fucking cover for you.

- You don't have to do that.

- Oh, but I want to.

Besides, fleabag here

gives me a rash.

- But I wasn't anywhere

near your pussy.

- Get him the fuck

out of here.

- Thanks, Tandy.

See you soon, buddy.

- Yeah, sounds....

Like that'll happen.

He's sweet, nice, and hot.

Of course he's taken.

- Nah, he's just

ass-pussy whipped.

They won't last long.

"Buddy."

- Don't take it

so personally.

- Why are we together,

we don't like doing

the same things.

- We like doing the same.

- Swallowing doesn't count.

- Swallowing counts.

It's extra credit.

- It's been six months

and I still feel

you're pulling away.

- Because you're always

clinging on to me.

- You won't even

call us boyfriends in public.

- You know you want me

inside you.

- No. I'm mad,

I'm not happy

with how things are going.

- You're good at one thing.

- Lionel.

- You're great at it.

- Please, don't.

I can't believe

I'm doing this.

Please stop.

I don't want to do this.

I don't wanna....

- Oh...

Oh, yeah.

No one does it better

than you.

You can cling on to that

anytime you like,

snuggle bear.

- We're through, get out.

- Can I at least

come first?

- Get out!

- Come on.

Are you ready

to say goodbye to this?

- I'll slam the door on it

if you don't get the fuck out.

- Good luck trying to find

someone as hot as me.

I'm gonna come right here

on your front door.

Yeah, you know you wish

you were sucking this.

- What am I doing?

- Oh yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

You know what?

Enjoy being alone,

whack job.

- Found him!

- Wow, stalker much?

- What should I say?

- I'm a lonely psychopath

that look you up

within an hour of meeting you.

- Yes, I should wait

until morning.

- Then he'll think

you obsessed about him

all night.

Don't you know anything

about the internet?

You should make a fake profile.

- What?

- Pretend to be

a total random stranger

so you can find out

all his personal details.

People are honest

with strangers.

My fake name

is Tittsy Montgomery.

- I could find out

if he wants

a serious relationship.

- I was thinking more

like cock size but whatever.

You need the perfect

fake picture

and I know the perfect person.

- Holy rim job,

who is that?

- My incredibly hot ex BF,

Ryan.

He's a stripper.

He was supposed to be

my rebound after Troy

broke my heart

but he has a good tongue,

so I let him stay.

- Why did you break up

with that?

- What if your boyfriend

finds out?

- We have

an open relationship.

- Uhh, we do?

- Ryan, this is not

what it looks like.

- Neither is this.

- We had commitment issues.

Anyway, he moved to Tucson

so it's totally safe

to use his pictures.

- Why would I want Zack

to talk to someone

way hotter than I am.

- When's the last time

you opened up

to an ugly stranger?

Besides, you find out

what you need to know,

then Ryan will disappear.

A fake profile

is the perfect wingman.

- Okay.

Okay, let's do this.

What's my name?

- Ryan.

- Ryan.

Do you agree to the following

terms and conditions.

Number one,

GaySpaceBook.com...

- Agree, you nerd!

- You should really

read these things,

you never know.

- What are you, a pilgrim?

I bet you avoid

handicap spaces. And vote.

- Favorite movie?

Roman Holiday, of course.

Straight acting or not?

- Put, "I'm gay,

"why should I act anything

but what I am."

- Oh, you are scary good,

girl.

- Come on, breakup sex.

You are a hottie, let's hope

you're next door

cause I don't feel like driving.

blip-blip-blip-blip

- Looking for?

First I want to develop

something special with you,

then we fuck each other's

brains out.

Perfect combination

of romantic and nasty, right?

- Whatever,

no one reads those,

just write them.

- Oh yeah, oh...

- Yummy.

- Oh, my God, it's him.

What do I do?

What do I write?

- Write what you know.

Well, in your case, don't.

- You're not helping.

- Gotta play it cool.

- Hey.

That's so romantic.

- Kindly help

a broken hearted stranger

with hours of meaningless sex!

- Oh God, yes.

- So, get to know me.

- Oh shit!

Can he see us?

- No.

My camera's not on.

- Oh.

- Likely story.

So, ask away.

Thanks for starting off easy.

I didn't want to put up

with his shit anymore.

You know how you tell yourself

that it's gonna get better?

You know it's not,

but you hang on

to any little good thing

he does

to prove that it might

get better.

Well, I guess

there weren't any.

Then it was just

the really hot sex.

Yeah.

How do you know

what the little good things are?

Okay, try me.

- You're an artist.

I'd take you to a museum.

You look like

a basketball fan.

Lakers tickets.

Massage, good bottle of wine.

And little things

like bringing you

something to drink

without you having to ask.

- Well done, Ms. Cleo.

- What can I do

to get you to come over here

right now.

- Oh, strip.

- Date?

You already know me

inside and out,

I think I'm in love.

Wait, I know.

If you don't come over...

- He is not!

- Here's

what you'll be missing.

- Get out of my way!

Holy clit!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh shit.

- I cannot believe...

- You spilled

your Sunny Delight.

How could you?

- You owe me a computer!

And a boyfriend.

- He's a fake.

No one can be that hot

and that nice,

it's against the nature.

- But he has tons

of profile pictures,

he must be real.

- You still believe

The Hills is real.

- If he was a fake,

he would've watched me jack off.

- I just threw up

a little bit in my pussy.

- Maybe it's not

a good idea for us to hang out?

I don't believe you.

- Zack's single now,

so the reason we invented Ryan

doesn't matter anymore.

I mean, why keep up

the charade?

- Why email him at all?

Just disappear.

You're still

pretending to be Ryan,

even if it is just

to dump him.

- I'm just being polite.

- You're just keeping him

and his pretty dick hanging on,

so you still have access

to him

in case he doesn't go

for exhibit A.

- You're right.

If he normally gets prime rib

like Ryan,

why would he settle for...

- Turkey burger?

- I blew it, Mr. Fake

doesn't wanna meet me.

- Because he's not real.

- I came on too strong.

- Gay men hate guys

who do that.

- He was trying

to get to know me

but I went from zero

to sixty-nine.

- There are millions of men

who can fuck first

and then fall in love.

- But I don't want other men,

I want him.

- My mom warned me

I was turning into a fag hag.

- You're not a fag hag.

- I'm gonna be a fat spinster

whose only sexual outlet

is sucking off drunken homos.

- You'd suck me off

if I were drunk, right?

- My fag hag days

are over.

- Now separate

the finger nails

from the toe nails.

- Ew, what?

- Busy work.

You still have

fifteen minutes left.

- I must get ready

for my date.

- It's not a date,

queef-cake.

- It's a date,

he just doesn't know it yet.

- My, my, look who went

and downloaded some balls.

- He might've seen

Ryan's picture online

last night,

but he was talking to me.

We have a connection.

At least we will

by the end of the night.

- Fuck, I've got

to see this.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, no problem,

I had nothing else to do.

Wait, that sounds bad.

- No it doesn't,

you just moved here.

- I...I drafted up

some ideas

for the male sale flyers.

I Google-imaged you.

- Whoa, these are great.

Thanks for giving me

extra abs.

- Those are yours

and you know it.

- Thanks for the ego boost,

I could really use one

right about now.

- I'm sorry

about your breakup.

- How did you know?

- Oh! I...

- Lionel?

He's a big fucking mouth.

- That's one of the reasons

I don't like the gay community.

- I think the gay community

is more diverse

than you give it credit for.

- Well, I think he's crazy

for breaking up with you.

- I broke up with him.

- Sorry.

- No big deal.

He's not what's bothering me.

I met this guy online

last night, Ryan, oh, my God.

You have never seen

anything like him,

and he was so totally into me

until I blew it.

- You think you blew it?

- Yeah, I got too sexual.

A fatal flaw.

- Well, if he was just

a hot body, those are...

- It was more than that.

This guy connected with me.

He was smart and funny

and he knew me.

- He sounds too good

to be true.

- Yeah, he probably

is fake.

I can't believe

I'm telling you all this.

I normally don't talk to guys

about my social life.

- You seem

pretty comfortable.

- You make me feel

comfortable, Casey.

- Hey, maybe sometime

you and I could...

- Oh my God, that's him.

How do I look?

- Huh?

- How do I look?

- Uh...gorgeous.

Are you sure...

- Wish me luck.

- Good fucking luck.

- Hey, Ryan1989.

- Hey...you.

- I was beginning to think

you were imaginary like

a smurf or something.

- Nope, I'm all real.

- You can say that again.

- Mind if I don't?

- We're both here,

you wanna give this a shot

and go out some night?

- Uuh...

- Ryan, look who's back.

Don't they have stripper poles

in Tucson?

- Tiffany, did you get

a boob job?

- No, I'm still saving up.

- What's going on?

- Casey, this is Ryan

from the Internet.

You look so much better

than your pictures, doesn't he?

- Now, how would Casey

have seen Ryan's cute

little disco boy picture.

- Yeah, you mean

my picture with the headband

and yellow gym shorts.

- Yellow mesh gym shorts.

Rarrr.

And then there's that one

where you're on the beach

with some blond chick

and your bulge.

- Yeah, Ryan loves

nailing blonds.

- Yeah, but I love

nailing brunettes, too.

- Brunette women,

Ryan's straight,

we used to fuck.

I took that picture.

- He wasn't straight

last night.

- Yeah, after

fucking Tiffani

I just gave up on women.

It happens to you a lot, huh?

- Oh, you little cum monkey.

- So, let's give this

a shot.

When do you want to hang out?

- Ugh, this sucks.

I just set up

the hottest couple

in the universe.

When their hot muscled bodies

come together,

they'll probably form

like Voltron or something.

- He's lying.

If Ryan's gay,

I'll eat my own twat.

- What kind of straight guy

goes on a date

with another man?

- He was a stripper

at a gay bar.

He would clean a toilet

with his dick for a dollar.

He's just trying

to get back at me.

- Oh...

Zack wanna talk to me

about what they should do

on their Barbie dream date

because I make him feel

comfortable.

- No smiley.

This is serious.

My God, you're like

his fag hag now.

- I hate my life.

- Casey, great,

you can do my back.

Oh my God, are you ok?

- Yeah, it's just

a little ouchy, that's all.

- Ouchy?

- Never mind, it's fine.

- Good. Squirt me.

- Okay.

- God, I'm as nervous

as Isaiah Washington's

hairdresser.

- About the date?

- Yes, about the date.

He was so hot and cold

at the caf�.

Isn't he cute?

- I'm not really

into guys that...hot.

- Really?

Okay, your turn.

- Oh, I'm not

a taking off my shirt in public

kind of guy.

- Don't tell me you have

body issues.

Take it off or I will.

- Okay, okay.

You know, when we, mere mortals,

are around gods like you,

how can we not...

- Please, you've got

a great body.

And, besides, some guys

like 'em not all exercised.

Here.

So what should I do

on my date?

- You mean besides sex?

- I don't want it to be

about sex.

When we chatted online

he had all these ideas

for great things to do

and I wanna come up

with some great idea, too.

- Ok, well what's your dream

first date?

- Wow, I guess I never

really thought about it.

- You've never fantasized

about the perfect first date?

- I was too busy

going on real dates.

- Asshole.

- Well, clearly

someone's thought about it.

Tell me yours, Romeo.

- Okay.

We're in Italy, well, Rome.

- Oh, my God,

are you serious?

I'm obsessed with Italy.

- You are?

- Yeah, I've been wanting

to go to Italy

since I was like three.

I'm going after graduation

if I can save enough cash.

I've got like $3,200 saved

so far.

- I can't wait to go.

Someday.

- Well, I can't exactly

take Ryan to Italy tonight.

So, do you got any dream dates

that are a little more

practical?

- Okay, well my dream date,

it's intimate.

Like I make him dinner

so it's personal.

- Yeah, something

at your place,

just the two of you,

no distractions.

- Yeah, and maybe I'd have

a fun theme for the meal.

- Italian.

- Perfetto.

- Pasta, pinot grigio,

some funky Italian music.

- That's all I'd need

because the best first dates

are the ones

where the conversation's

just really easy.

- And it flows cause

you're both listening

to each other

like you're focused.

- And there are

those moments

when you're looking

into each other's eyes,

wondering if maybe he's thinking

the same thing.

- That sometime tonight

we're gonna...

- Kiss.

- Exactly.

Kiss.

Oh my God!

- What?

- You totally inspired me,

I have the perfect date.

Scoot.

He's not gonna know

what hit him.

I can't thank you enough.

- Well, text me

if you need help!

Text me if you need help.

- If you're trying

to stop me, it won't work.

- If you think

going on a fake gay date

will make me jealous,

you're dumber

than a flock of Palins.

- I don't want that,

I just wanna piss you off.

- You cheated too!

- It's not about that,

it's about you putting pubes

in my protein powder

the next day.

- They weren't even mine.

- And poking holes

in my contact lenses,

Putting crabs in my drawer.

And using my toothbrush

to clean the...

- Ok, I'm a jealous woman.

But at least I feel something.

You're an emotionless stripper

who uses his body

as a bargaining chip.

And that's not gonna

get you anything

but a dirty dollar bill

shoved up your ass.

- You're fat.

Have a good night.

I know I will.

- Ryan, right on time.

- Hey, look,

I gotta talk to you

about this Internet thing.

- I know, me too,

come on in.

I saw on your profile

that Roman Holiday

is your favorite movie.

It's also mine.

So I've got

a special little tour for you,

come on.

As you know,

when Audrey Hepburn

sneaks out of the consulate,

Gregory Peck shows her

the sights of Rome.

So here we have

the Sistine Chapel,

painted by Michelangelo.

Italian wine.

Next we have an exact replica

of the Trevi Fountain.

- That's pretty cool.

- And our last stop

is the mouth of truth,

you know,

the most famous scene

in the movie.

- Yeah.

- So put your hand

in its mouth

and if you're lying to me

it'll get bitten off.

And don't tell my landlord

about the hole.

- Rarrr!

- You scared the shit

out of me!

- Your hand's still here.

I knew you wouldn't lie to me.

- You're an amazing guy

and I don't deserve you.

I gotta go.

- Text me, text me,

text me, text me.

I love you, Zack!

- It's nice to have a friend

who will listen

to my romantic problems.

- I told you to text me

if you needed help and you did.

And I'm here to help.

- Can you help me

find a boyfriend?

- Oh my God,

is that the mouth of truth?

- Yeah, his profile said

his favorite movie

was Roman Holiday, so.

- You did that for him?

- It's stupid.

- It's the most

romantic thing

I've ever seen.

See, I'm telling the truth.

- Yeah, I actually had

this whole Roman Holiday tour.

There's the Colossum,

I ate half of it.

- Zack, there's something

I should tell you.

I haven't been honest with you.

I...

- Great, who's that?

Oh my God, Ryan?

- Hey man, there's something

I gotta tell you.

Oh, did you tell him?

- Tell me what?

- I was just about to.

- Of course you were.

That wasn't me

you were talking to online.

Him and Tiffani

made a fake profile

and used my picture.

- What?

- I don't even

have a profile.

I'm not even gay.

- Zack,

it's not what it sounds like.

- Did you pretend to be him?

- Yes, but it was only

because I didn't want

to look like a stalker,

which I know I totally like now.

- My first

genuine conversation in years

was with a total fake.

And why?

So you can fuck me?

- No, I mean yes,

I mean more than that.

The things I said were true.

- Dude, if you liked him,

why didn't you just tell him.

- And you let me take you

on that whole fucking tour

like some kind of idiot.

Get the fuck out!

Both of you.

- Zack, I'm sorry.

Is that...

- Get out!

- I was in the middle

of telling him, you know.

- Sorry man,

it was a crappy thing

you guys did.

- I just wanted

to get his attention.

- You coulda got it

without getting

all stalker-azzi on him.

- With guys like you

walking around?

- Even if I was gay,

it wouldn't have worked out.

He was less

into what I looked like

and more into what you said.

Anyway, sorry.

- No, it's my own damn fault.

- This is Tandy,

impress me.

And if you're

one of my gay friends

and just had a bad date,

I'm not calling you back

for three days.

Because I'm not a fag hag!

- Casey, right?

- Yeah.

- I'm Harry.

That's my name,

not that I am hairy.

Honey, what's wrong?

You look like Liberace

after they put the seat back

on his piano stool.

Wrong generation.

Never mind.

You look like you could use

some company tonight.

- Oh, I'm not interested.

- On, no, darling.

You're adorable

but you're far too young for me.

Us in bed would be

like teaching calculus

to a preschooler.

No.

Sex with men

who have the maturity

of an experienced lover,

there's nothing quite like it.

- T.M.I.

- Pardon?

- Nothing.

- Let me guess.

Some strapping thing

has broken your heart.

- Is it that obvious?

- Either that or Miley Cyrus

died.

See, I'm not that dated.

- Yeah, it's a guy.

No, no, it's me.

I was a complete jerk.

And I knew it

while it was happening

but I did it anyway.

And now I'll never

get to show Zack

what a great boyfriend I can be.

Now I'll never even have

a boyfriend.

And I'll wind up alone

until I'm all old and...

Sorry.

- Oh dear heart,

there's worse things

than not having a boyfriend.

Like trudging bare foot uphill

through five miles of snow

just to find the nearest

homosexual saloon.

It was a joke.

I'm not that old.

- You're not?

- Well now,

that was just not pretty.

All I'm saying is,

as dark as it may seem,

I think your generation

has it pretty easy

when it comes to finding

all the other fish

in the sea.

I bet you're thinking

right now

that the obvious solution

is something that I used to do

when I was trying

to get over someone.

- What's that?

- Well I used to think

that a good roll in the hay

would be all I needed

but I was wrong.

Sleeping with someone

to get over someone else

never works.

- Casey, right?

- Yeah.

- Trust me on this,

it never works.

- You want to go somewhere

and talk?

- Never.

- Sure.

- Never learn.

- That drink was strong,

like drinking blood straight

from Amy Winehouse's wrist.

- God, I'm glad I met you.

Last guy I dated, Zack,

such a fucking loser.

He was a good kisser.

- Kissing's overrated.

How good was he?

- Incredible.

Always started off the same way.

Two pecks.

Then a deeper kiss.

Followed by a bite

to the lower lip.

And repeat.

- Get back in.

We should fuck.

Is that your bed?

- I don't usually do that

on the first...

- Yeah, neither do I.

Right behind you.

- Hi,

how can I hurt you today?

- We gotta talk.

- We have nothing

to talk about.

- Five minutes,

that's all I ask.

- You need to have

an appointment.

- We gotta do something

about Zack and Casey.

- What do you mean,

I thought you were gay for Zack.

- Come on,

you know I'm not gay.

- You know I was just

trying to piss you off.

- Well, it didn't work,

clit monger.

Why would you want to help them.

- They seem like they

actually belong together.

And I messed that up.

- My God,

you have feelings?

I thought your fortes

fortes was cheating

and home wrecking.

- You cheated too.

- He wasn't inside me yet.

- We both fucked up.

But this is our chance

to do something right.

- Aww.

Tyra moment.

How do we get them together?

Zack clearly prefers to be

with gorgeous people

like me and you.

- It takes a lot more

than a gym

and some cucumbers

to make someone gorgeous.

- The point is Casey

isn't even on Zack's menu.

- Exactly!

We're ordering

from the wrong menu.

We gotta go

to another restaurant

where Zack is

and order the hot dog.

Because we really

just want the bun.

- Or we could trick them

into a date.

- That's what I just said.

- Hey there sausage,

why the long dick.

- Oh, it's you.

- Yes, it's me,

the slut with the heart of shit.

- No argument here.

- I know.

I'm sorry,

I owe you a cocktail,

or at least a hand job.

- You've done enough,

really.

Actually,

there is something you can do.

Find me an auctioneer

for the male sale.

- I'll do it.

I used to run the auction

at my stepfather's Jude Ranch.

- Really?

- Yeah.

There's a lot people

don't know about me.

Listen.

You need to know the truth

about what went down with Casey.

- Casey can suck my balls.

- Well, that's what he's been

trying to say all along.

- You know what I mean.

- I know.

Come on, let me buy you

a drink later.

You shouldn't be alone

during this delicate juncture.

Trust me, I've been there.

Where is your fag hag anyway?

Oh, come on,

I'll sub for her.

- You can't sub

for a best friend.

- You're gay

and I'm a straight girl

of big tits.

Evolution has

genetically programmed us

to be there for each other.

Like the clown fish

and the sea anemone.

Now, what'd you say?

- Casey!

- Oh, hey.

- You, me, drinks.

Tonight.

- No.

What's up with you

going out with gay guys.

- I want to make up

for screwing up your game.

- Yeah, I don't think

a Blue Ribbon or whatever it is

straight guys drink

is gonna help.

- I'll put an umbrella in it.

Awesome.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

- Awesome.

- It's me.

- We're set.

- Great!

Now be a good little stripper

and do whatever it takes

to get those boys all

horned up and ready to blow.

- I think they care

about more than sex.

- Jesus, you sound

like a woman that isn't me.

Of course they care about sex.

If they don't,

that's what the alcohol's for.

- Well, you just show up

when you're supposed to.

- Honey, I'm a as reliable

as birth control.

- That's not a 100%.

- Take it or leave it.

- Tandy,

what's up dragon lady?

- I got your non-call,

leave a fucking V.M. next time.

- You said

you didn't want to hear

about gay problems.

- Good point,

thanks for sparing me

the Queer as Folk rerun.

Where are we going?

- To hang out

with my new friend,

remember that girl, Tiffani.

- The sluttier version

of Tara Reid?

You're hanging out with her?

- She wanted to hear

about my problems.

- I smell a rat

with fake tits.

- To all the boys I fucked

and never called back.

- That must be

like a hundred.

- Like ten years ago maybe.

- Z Here's to me catching up.

- So, this whole Internet...

- Lie.

- Performance

was totally 100% my idea.

Casey had nothing to do

with it.

- But he's the one

who chatted with me, right?

- Yes.

But I practically raped him

into it.

- So what he said,

how much of that was him?

- Just the good stuff.

- He's lucky to have you,

except for the raping part.

- To the raping part.

- To the raping part.

- Trust me,

this is so much better

than shaving.

- That feels really weird.

- Assholes

are like snowflakes.

Speaking of pretty assholes,

why were you dating

that Lionel guy?

- What?

You've never dated

an asshole before?

- Honey,

assholes are attracted to me

like shit to assholes.

- And why did you stay

with them?

- Sex.

- Exactly!

I have the same problem,

I can't say no to cock.

- Oh, you're fucking

to the choir.

Dick, it just like blinds me,

you know.

- You ripped out

my sphincter!

- My turn.

- You know,

Zack is totally into you.

- No he's not.

I need to give up

and go for someone uglier.

Not like Michael Stipe ugly,

but at least

Rufus Wainwright ugly.

- I don't watch that show.

But I've been watching

gay guys for years.

See, they don't think

the strippers can see back,

but we totally can.

You guys' problem is

you don't even talk

to each other,

you're always waiting

for someone else

to make the first move.

- I gave him my number,

I volunteered for the male sale,

I took off my shirt for him.

I stalked him on the Internet.

I made all the moves.

- But when'd you tell him

you liked him.

- You know,

you could cheat on me,

steal all my money

and kill my mother

but if you're hot,

I'll make excuses for you

until the day you leave me.

Or turn gay.

Or both.

Oh, damn,

all out of liquor.

Let's get out of here.

You can have that one,

I got plenty at home.

- That pizza

ought to be here any minute.

- Yum, pizza.

- What if

your boyfriend Zack

was the delivery boy?

- You are such a stripper.

And he's not my boyfriend.

- I gotta hit the head,

get the door if the pizza comes.

- Ok.

- You've been

a very bad boy.

You have the right

to remain sexy.

Anything you touch

will be held against you

in the court of my...

Hit me with that pepperoni!

- Casey?

- Gotta go,

you two work it out, bye.

- Damn it!

- Hey Zack.

- Nice hat.

- Are they fucking yet?

- Not even close.

Is this gonna work?

- Trust me, it's science.

If you leave

two dicks together,

eventually one of them's

going to need sucking.

Like prison.

- I'm really sorry

about what I did.

- Who does stuff like that?

- People with no self-esteem?

- It's kinda mean.

- I'm sorry,

it got out of hand.

I just...I wanted to...

I don't know.

I wanted to meet you.

- You did meet me.

- I know,

I'm just an idiot.

- It's not a big deal,

it's over.

- Come on,

this is the part

where you fuck him.

- Man,

he just looked at you.

Look back.

- The dick sucking

principle should take effect

any second.

- Nah, I've seen guys

do this at the club.

They'll sit there for hours

and never say a word,

no matter how much

they like each other.

- Go do something.

- There's nothing I can do.

Except...

- What?

- Work my stripper magic.

- Stripper magic?

- When I see two guys

doing this at the club,

I'll get between them

and make them put their hands

all over me.

Then, I'll get out of the way

and they're so worked up

that they're

all over each other.

- You're like a stripper

Harriett Tubman.

- Exactly!

- Get to it Harriett,

the dogs are coming.

- Thank God,

can we leave now?

- You boys sit right there,

this party's

just getting started.

Let me show you

some classic stripper moves.

- What the fuck

are you doing?

- You guys

are at full attention,

and Sergeant Ryan's here

to release it.

Now, both of you

make a wish and pull.

- You've got

to be kidding me.

- Well it is

kind of an ugly shirt.

- Totally generic.

- That's more like it.

Free.

Now, rip open

rigid Ryan's jeans.

- You're straight?

- We're just three dudes

having some fun.

Now pull.

- Are you hard?

- Maybe.

Are you?

Gotta get out of these pants.

There's never a sexy way

to get the jeans off.

- I don't know,

that's pretty...

- Sexy.

- Your turn.

- For what?

- For your free lesson

in exotic dancing,

it's an actual skill you know.

- I'm in.

- I'll watch.

- No looky-loos, come on.

Undo your shirts.

With more confidence.

A slow reveal.

Good.

Now, when you get

to the last button,

take your shirt at the collar

and slowly peel it off.

Good, that's hot.

- Yeah.

- Now, pull your pants off

like I did,

and lead forward,

like this.

Come on, we're in underwear.

Zack, come here, take a side.

- Well,

that was certainly fun.

- Now give me a lap dance.

- How's this?

- You dance

like a straight boy.

You need to move them

like this.

You're all thrust and no grind.

Casey, come here.

Put your hands here.

Feel this.

That's hot.

You know,

you guys make a hot couple.

Guys, I think I'm gonna...

- You're not

gonna go anywhere

when you're that hard.

- Oh yeah.

That's so hot.

- Oh my God,

that is so fucking hot!

- Fuck yeah,

work that pussy.

- And what do we have here?

Shew, get away.

- I don't do

the lesbian thing anymore.

- I knew

this was gonna happen.

- You did?

Get over here.

- What the...

- Ready for the Zack special?

Help me.

- Holy crap.

Oh yeah, I've never had

two months before, yeah,

one of you do the balls.

Oh my God!

- Why are you fucking

with Zack?

- Technically

I'm watching them

fuck with Zack.

- I'm breaking up

that blow fest right now.

- Over my hot dead body.

- That's what

I was planning.

Oh!

Is that pussy juice?

- A thousand dollars worth.

Oh!

- Guys, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna...

Jesus Mary Jenna Jameson!

- I've never heard that

without anything

in my pussy before.

- Wow.

- Wow.

- Wow!

- You fucking bitch.

- Let me kick

that pussy again.

- Tandy?

- Tiffani?

- Sorry I'm late.

Woman things.

God, I miss that cock.

- Are you ok?

- Kill the bitch.

- What the hell happened?

- I was trying

to protect you.

- I appreciate it

but it turns out

that everything's just fine.

Better than fine.

- What?

Are you life partners now?

- I think we're...

- Thanks to me and Ryan,

and Ryan's friend.

- Zack, I have

the perfect first date for us.

- Like your first date

with him?

You're just like everyone else.

Fuck you!

- You're all assholes.

- I miss how we fuck.

- Rigid Ryan misses you too.

- Oh come on,

let's go suck the gay

out of your cock.

- I hate the Internet.

- You can use it

for things other than sex.

- Like what?

- Well,

maybe gay people can't.

- Speaking

of trolling for sex,

I can't believe

Casey just slept

with the first thing

that looked at him.

- Ugh, I hate him.

But in his defense,

you did sort of reject him.

- So?

- What did you do

when Lionel rejected you?

You trolled...

- Online for sex.

- I hate

that you're always right.

It's like Jesus is my fag hag.

Wait, sorry,

I know you don't like

being called...

- I'm dealing with it.

I'm your fag hag.

Not a fag hag.

Your fag hag.

- Thank you sweetie.

- But if I'm your fag hag,

then you're my gay bitch.

- Gay bitch

loves his fag hag.

- You better bitch,

I got a black eye for you.

- Casey? Honey?

- I'm moving back home.

Can you drop me off

at the bus station

when I'm done packing?

- I thought you were

making new friends?

Don't you like it here?

The cheap rent,

the beautiful weather,

the abundance of gay ass.

- I turned everything

into a big wet mess.

- Oh honey,

it can't be that bad.

- It's horrible!

It's like 9/11 but with sex.

- Like a 69/11.

- You're horrible.

- Oh honey, come on.

I don't know what kind

of orgie-astic corfafel

you've gotten yourself

wrapped up in.

But I do know

that when you run

from your problems,

the location might change

but your problems

will be right there

waiting for you.

Only there

you won't have cheap rent

and this beautiful weather.

- What about

the abundance of gay ass?

- Honey,

you can find that anywhere.

Now come on,

tell your auntie Helen

all about your problem.

I promise you won't shock me.

- Ok, I pretended

to be Ryan to Zack online

but then Ryan showed up

and went out with Zack

to get back at Tiffani.

Anyway,

I think Zack realized

he liked me for who I am

and not the way Ryan looked

but he never told me.

So I fucked Lionel

who was probably just

trying to get back at Zack,

and then Ryan got Zack and me

to give him a blowjob

in order to get us together.

And it actually worked.

Until Zack got a videoclip

of me and Lionel doing it.

- So, Zack never told you

how he felt.

- Yeah.

- And you're just

gonna leave town

without giving him a chance to.

- You're not leaving town

you fuck tard.

We have a date

and I'm not running

that auction alone.

- The slut's right.

Don't pussy out

on the youth center

just because someone hurt

your dick's feelings.

- Love her.

Besides, when you run

from your problems,

the location may change...

- I already got that speech.

- Than what are

we waiting for,

cum boy,

we're gonna be late.

- Bah-bye.

- I smell an open bar.

- Get me anything

with a whiskey

and nothing else.

- Oh good, you came.

- Oh my God, I did.

- Zack, I...

- Here's the stuff

you need to say.

Don't bomb.

- What's a "ligabut?"

- That's LGBT.

- What's that?

- Jesus Christ,

I have to get you

to the green room.

- Zack, wait,

I came to apologize.

- Funny,

originally you said

you were coming

to support the gay community.

- You know the gay scene

isn't really my thing.

- You know

for someone who talks down

on the gay scene so much,

you really go out of your way

to represent the worst of it.

- Blowjob for your thoughts?

- What do you want?

- Come on, all I did

was prove that the guy

you thought was your friend

is just a big phony.

You should be happy.

- You thought

that sending me your sex video

would make me happy?

- I had to do something

to keep you apart.

- Why?

- You know why.

- Say it.

- I was jealous, alright?

- I knew it.

- And it wasn't just that.

I could tell

you were connecting with him.

I want you back.

Can you feel

how badly I want you back?

- I don't care

how hot you are,

I need more.

- You're so deep.

- If it's deep

to want someone

who's gonna respect me

and listen to me

and inspire me to do things

that I'd never thought I'd do.

Then yeah, I'm deep.

And you're too shallow for me.

- Good luck raising money

for your charity

without auctioning off my ass

and my friend's asses.

- You wouldn't,

this is for the community.

- Fuck the community.

- Lionel!

- Hello, hello queers

and wannabes.

Welcome to the tenth

annual male sale.

Tenth?

I didn't think

a gay could commit to anything

for that long.

I'm Tiffani,

your mattress of ceremonies.

- I love that drag queen.

- Zack, I'm sorry, I...

- Now's your chance

to prove you're really here

to support the community.

- What?

- Lionel and his friends

dropped out of the auction

and I need you

and the strip master here

to get in your boxers

and let me sell you.

- Take off my shirt on stage?

Zack, I'm sorry...

- This is more important

than whoever

you're sleeping with

or lying to.

This money helps support

the Matthew Shepard

Youth Program,

the Matthew Shepard

reading room,

the Matthew Shepard hotline

and the Matthew Shepard

homeless synchronized swim team.

- Alright,

finally let's get

to the prostituting.

Auctioning.

Bring out the meat.

For our first stud

we have Lionel!

Casey!

- Woo, Casey!

You go boy!

- Look at his

rippling muscles and sexy...

I'm sorry,

this was for the guy

we were supposed to have.

Look at his...personality.

Casey is an out of towner

that enjoys

cruising online for Zack,

talking about Zack,

and working at Nail Me Salon.

Located at

4255 Hawthorne Lane,

call for an appointment.

Take off your shirt!

Ok, now we're talking.

Have you ever seen

such white flesh.

Ok, let's get

the bidding started.

Who's gonna be first?

50 dollars,

we got a 50 dollar bid,

who's gonna give me

a 50 dollar bid?

- 10 dollars!

- Bidding starts at 50,

bitches.

- 11!

- Take off your pants.

- What?

- We are desperate here.

And while

you're stripping down

to your beautiful

Andrew Christian briefs,

why don't you tell us

what the Matthew Sh'PARD program

at the center

means to you.

- I used to think

the center didn't apply to me

at all.

I thought it was

just a bunch of old guys

looking to get their rocks off.

But a friend

forced me to volunteer here

where I met

one of these old guys

face to face.

Boy, was I wrong.

He was a caring person,

emptying his wallet

and busting his ass

to make sure

that people like me

don't have to go

through the shit

that people like him had to.

And he's just

one of the dozens of people here

trying to help

thousands of kids like me.

I started this summer

feeling at odds

with the gay community

but now

I look out at your faces

and I see a friend

who will do anything

to protect the people

close to her.

An example for me

to aspire to.

A bitch when you need one.

A family

that won't let you fail

even when you've

already given up on yourself.

And a leader,

who can change the way

we see each other

and teach us

about the things

that really matter.

And I couldn't be prouder

to be a part of this.

- 100 dollars.

- 200 dollars.

- 500 dollars.

- This is an

unexpected surprise.

500 dollars,

we have a 500 dollar bid,

who's gonna give me 600?

- 3,200 dollars.

- What?

- 3,200 dollars.

- Not to be rude

or anything but,

bitch, do you have

that kind of money?

- That's your Italy money.

- I don't need to go to Italy

for romance.

- Sold!

- Look at that sweet smile,

you're precious.

- Ryan1989,

you are way hotter

than your pic.

- I'm so glad I stalked you.

- It's not as hot
without your dick in the middle.