Original subtitles

Lilly's throwing a fit out in the car.

She wants us to hurry.

What are you doing?

Having fun.

Join in.

Come on, Zack.

Enjoy the ride.

Zack?

Hello?

Are you listening?

Huh?

Sorry, I was just thinking

about this gay resort we're going to.

You make it sound like a bad thing.

We won a free vacation,

and it's gay.

What more could you want?

Is it the open thing?

We talked about this.

I know.

It's just for the weekend,

but I'm nervous.

I mean, I was always the last one picked in gym class.

I don't want to lose you,

but it's something that's in my gut.

I'm just not ready to limit myself sexually.

So if we can't do this, we should just be honest

and break up.

I don't want to break up.

I don't either.

And I do like sex.

Picture the entire Manhunt website

stuffed into one hotel.

We could have so much fun...

together.

It's just that sleeping with other guys

is not how I imagined my relationship.

Come on. Its one open weekend.

At least try it.

Okay.

One open weekend.

Yay.

I lurve you.

I lurve you, too.

You guys need to talk?

♪♪

♪ We can dance, we can dance ♪

♪ We can dance all night ♪

♪ We can dance, we can dance ♪

♪ We can dance all night ♪

♪ Tonight is the night I'm gonna make you mine ♪

♪ There's a feeling in the air ♪

♪ I can't deny ♪

♪ Tonight we're gonna dance ♪

♪ I'll be your partner in crime ♪

♪ Got me on another level ♪

♪ I'll show you what I ♪

♪ When I touch you, my hands catch fire ♪

♪ I can't stop dancing ♪

♪ Take me higher ♪

♪ Feel so good, I think I'm flying ♪

♪ Put your hands up ♪

♪ Let's go higher ♪

♪ Take my hand and hold on tight ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm with you, it feels so right ♪

♪ Don't let go ♪

♪ Let's dance all night ♪

♪ We can dance, we can dance ♪

♪ We can dance all night ♪

♪ Take my hand and hold on tight ♪

♪ 'Cause when I'm with you, it feels so right ♪

♪ Don't let go ♪

♪ Let's dance all night ♪

♪ We can dance, we can dance ♪

♪ We can dance all night ♪

♪ Take my hand and hold on tight ♪

♪ When I'm with you, it feels so right ♪

♪ Don't let go ♪

♪ Let's dance all night ♪

♪ We can dance, we can dance ♪

♪ We can dance all night ♪

Just my luck to win a free vacation

to a resort that's totally gayified.

I know.

Remember when I asked

what could possibly be gayer than Drama Camp?

Screw you, too.

- Excuse me? - Look around.

You're in fucking paradise, surrounded by beautiful men.

And it's free.

Now drop your uppity Katy Perry attitudes,

or the computer might accidentally eat your reservations.

You're right.

I'll just uh tie a flashlight to my head,

act like Lady Gaga,

and the men will flock to me.

Now, that's the spirit.

And here they are.

I think the batteries are dead.

You know that's not a flashlight, right?

Now, that is how you attract the boys around here--

With sweet, sweet nectar.

Oh, come on Casey.

If I wasn't me, I'd totally be laughing right now.

What's wrong with you?

My ex-boyfriend and his new boyfriend just texted.

They're here staying in Room 3.

Your keys.

Room 4.

Hey, I'm supposed to get my own room.

And I'm supposed to be nice to customers.

- Next! - What? Wait.

If you're gonna cry like Baby Jesus,

I can put you out back in the manger.

Oh, my God, we share a bed.

Welcome to the Triangle Inn.

Eh, Eh. Come on.

You have really nice energy.

Well, at least Zack will be with his boyfriend,

so you don't have to watch him whore it up with a...

never ending parade of man-whores with muscles

and huge sacks of ball-age.

I'm ready to leave. Now.

No, Casey you can't!

This is too much for me.

I need to call some more experienced fag hags.

Hello?

This better be good.

Casey's wussing out

because Zack's here,

and there's lots of hot guys, too.

Do I even know you?

Honey, just pretend he doesn't exist.

Gays do that all the time to with their exes.

It's the mature thing to do.

I can't ignore him.

He wants to work on our friendship this weekend.

He wants us to normalize.

It's like when you put a new fish in the tank,

you have to keep it in the bag for a while

so the others don't eat its eyes.

Girl voice, hush.

Casey, just be his friend

and have an obnoxious amount of fun.

Show that assgoblin what he's missing.

You can't be friends after a break-up.

I thought you told him that you wanted to be friends.

Everyone says that.

It's just so you can go around telling people

you're still friends.

Wait, whose side did I take in this break up?

Do I even like you?

You took my side.

You knew me first.

Oh, is that how that works?

Look, honey, this weekend is not about Zack.

Just concentrate on having a really good time.

Aunt Helen, are you having sex in my bed?

I wouldn't call it sex.

The best thing to do is to find someone hotter than Zack and fuck him.

And what are you doing?

It's a long story.

I'll explain it in the sequel.

Gotta go.

Bye.

So I guess my goal this weekend

is to stay distracted.

My goal is to watch two men have sex.

You've seen that.

It doesn't count when it's on stage.

Here it's like I'm on a safari

watching lions and gazelles tear each other up

in a frenzy of flesh and spermicidal lubricant.

Wouldn't you actually rather just have sex?

What, with a gay man?

And wind up with a vagina full of vomit?

Been there.

Oh my God, my straight-dar just went off.

Maybe I could lose my virginity on this trip.

Tell me what happened,

but I'm gonna stop you if I get bored.

He doesn't want to limit himself sexually.

How Catholic.

Miami Beach or Black Giraffe.

Which says "Look at me" without saying "desperate for attention"?

I ordered cocktails.

I figured we'd need them.

Why, hello.

How are you?

Heterosexual.

How about you?

I am straight, yes.

I wasn't expecting any of that here.

Well, I'm full of surprises.

- Are you flirting with me? - Should I stop?

Only if it doesn't work.

Lilly, come on.

Sorry, I have to go feed my gayby.

It's like cock roulette out here.

You should have no problem finding a rebound.

Hmm. I don't do rebounds.

Rebounds are my specialty.

- Peter? - Casey.

I thought that was you.

What are you doing here? I didn't know you were gay.

What are you doing here? I didn't know you were a slut.

Oh, my God, this is crazy.

Umm. In high school, he was--

The homophobic jock?

I've seen Glee.

God, I wish. I was fat.

- No. - And shy.

When did you get so-- so hot?

In college.

I turned gay,

I got rid of my braces, and I got these.

Wow.

Is that, like, a 50-pack?

Feel them.

Its like The Situation, just without the scabies.

Oh, cool.

Is it me, or does something smell really cummy?

So, Peter, are you single?

What's the point of coming to a place like this

if you're not single?

Casey's single, too.

Oh, my God.

You and I are gonna get into so much trouble.

Anyway, I gotta go meet with a buddy

to play some strip tennis,

but tonight, sarong party.

I will find you.

I will make sure I'm findable.

So amazing seeing you, Casey.

I used to have the biggest crush on this one.

He totally wants you inside of--

He wants the Million Man March inside of him.

Aw, poor thing.

Let's go get you to our room

and download some "It Gets Better" videos.

So tell me, what are the rules to this open relationship?

Well, we're just trying it for the weekend,

but other than that we don't have any rules.

You need to have rules, or someone's gonna get hurt,

like do you kiss and tell, three-ways only?

Is he allowed to get punch fucked

by hairy strangers right here in your bed?

- You know the worst part? - STDs?

I have to compete with my own boyfriend to meet guys,

and he'll win every time because he's the hot one.

Now I know how Casey felt when he was dating me.

- Well, I got good news. - What?

I finally got the date on my surgery.

The big one.

The lower one.

- Make a face like that again. - Sorry.

Congratulations.

That's huge.

Way more important than my drama.

Thank you.

So do you really think it's going to change everything?

In my mind I know it's just a simple procedure

and a lot of people won't even know the difference,

but I feel like when I wake up from this,

I'll finally be me.

- Well, then let's celebrate. - Yes.

This weekend will be a cock-and-ball funeral.

Let's find that straight boy and get more drinks.

Ooh, baby.

There are so many hot guys here.

Okay, we need to lay down some rules.

Rules?

Yeah, like no hooking up in our bed.

Technically, it's not our bed.

Benji.

Okay, I just don't get why you need rules.

It's our right as gay men

to make any kind of relationship we want.

If they're not gonna let us get married,

why should we follow their rules?

Non-monogamy is the ultimate political statement.

Uh, I don't see how two dicks in your mouth

is a political statement.

We owe it to future generations.

Casey's here.

Operation Awkward.

Okay, rule number two--

No ex-boyfriends.

I'll see you later.

I'm not pathetic.

I'm having the best time of my life,

and I am a total 7.

Hey, Zack.

Oh, wow, I love your--

Uh, chest hair.

God, I've missed you.

How're you doing?

Um, me?

I'm--

I'm great, actually.

How can you not be with all these studs around, you know?

Yeah, lots of studs.

Oh, just throwing themselves at me--

How could I resist?

You met someone already?

Well, I guess I'm kind of a dick magnet.

I never thought of you as a hook-up guy.

Oh, this wasn't just a hook up.

We-- We really just hit it off.

Oh.

Where's your Casanova now?

He's-- He's sleeping.

Guess I wore him out.

Wow. That's great.

We should do a double date while we're here.

Yeah. Oh, definitely.

Ah, so how are you and Benji?

Having a good time?

- The best. - Great.

So tomorrow, brunch?

- Huh? - Double date with your new boo?

Um, yeah.

Sure. Sure...

Awesome.

See? We can do this.

Be friends.

Friendship rocks.

- This is the perfect place to find your meat puppet. - My what?

Some big dumb jock

who will pretend to be in love with you

for a free brunch and some rebound MuMa.

- MuMa? - Mutual Masturbation.

Even I knew that.

What about... him?

Oh, he's cute.

I'd definitely MuMa him.

He's not wearing any underwear.

None of them are. It's customary, I think.

So I can just run around

accidentally fondling big shiny ding dongs?

I think they'd be insulted if you didn't.

You are the hottest guy here.

Okay, okay.

You are the hottest guy here.

Is it bad that I want him to say that to me again?

You can almost see the crabs

leaping from one torso to the other.

- Jerry? - In the very loose flesh.

This is Bernard, my fiancé.

- Hello. - I'm Penny, hag-in-training.

Fiancé- wow.

We're getting legally married this weekend.

What?

You haven't heard about the Liberace Loophole?

Who's Liberace?

Think George Michael, only sluttier.

Who's George Michael?

Think Adam Lambert, but with plastic surgery and success.

Oh, okay.

Anyway, because of some legislative screw-up,

there's a one hour window

in which it will be legally permissible

for gays to marry.

We're staying over at the Hacienda resort

and they're offering free weddings

for any couple who wants to take advantage of the opening.

I love to taking advantage of openings.

As you can see,

he shares my inappropriate and pedestrian sense of humor.

Well, I totally be your flower girl.

Where's that strapping young boyfriend of yours?

Um, it's-- it's a long story.

Oh, honey, what happened?

I thought you were as steady as Barack and Michelle.

Well, he's...

here. Gotta go.

- Youth. - The trolls of tomorrow.

What're you doing to my dick?

Nothing.

Peter, here's the deal.

Oh, God, those abs.

Casey did a really stupid thing

and lied to his ex that he met someone here

because he didn't want to look like the loser

that he may very well be,

so we need you to pretend to be Casey's boyfriend.

No way.

I'm here to get my sex on.

Please, for old time's sake?

We didn't hang out at all in high school.

So you've got a lot of catching up to do.

Look, I'm all for hooking with you.

But I'm not in a place where I can date right now,

pretend or otherwise.

Wait, you're all for hooking up with me?

Shit.

Is this your new boyfriend?

Um...

Hi, I'm Peter.

I'm Zack. This is my--

Benji.

Your dish towel's slipping.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Are we on for tomorrow morning?

Uh, I don't know.

Are we free for brunch tomorrow, baby?

As long as it starts after 3:00 p.m.

'Cause we'll be up all night making love.

Right, lover?

Something like that, my sweet little asshole.

Great. Well, we're gonna go dance.

You are so buying me drinks the rest of the weekend.

♪ Fingers to the head, to the toes ♪

♪ Like some kind of rose ♪

♪ Like something you'd notice ♪

♪ In a room full of confusion ♪

♪ And illusion and delusion ♪

♪ There's someone saying something to you ♪

♪ But what can you do?

♪ You're just hoping and hoping ♪

♪ But a rose is just a rose ♪

♪ Until she's underneath your nose ♪

♪ And you see her in the room ♪

♪ And you smell her perfume ♪

♪ What a fuss, and she's just the one for us ♪

♪ You're taking it in stride, but you know ♪

♪ That people you know are beginning to notice ♪

♪ Your words full of confusion and illusion and delusion ♪

♪ And the girl you brought to party with you ♪

- Have fun? - Yeah.

Busy steam room here.

How bout you?

Yep.

Oh, really? You met someone?

Mm...

Well, congratulations, tramp.

Hey, maybe we can get a little threesome going?

I saw you come out of that room.

I can't believe you had a threesome before brunch.

Oh, my God, a gay guy's acting slutty. Call TMZ.

Just be careful, all right?

If Zack sees you with someone who isn't me, it's all over.

Come on. We're late for brunch.

I haven't showered. Do I smell like sex?

Everything here smells like sex.

We should get married.

What?

They're doing those legal weddings for one hour tomorrow.

The more gay couples who marry,

the bigger the impact on society.

We should get married to make a political statement.

Yesterday you wanted to have an orgy

to make a political statement.

Now you want to get married?

What's wrong?

You've been acting like Kristen Stewart all morning.

I'm fine.

No, I know that Zacky pout...

You wanna know what's wrong?

- I'm upset because-- - Hey, you guys.

Here we are.

Lilly, I was looking for you.

It's Penny.

Since we're the only two straight girls here,

we should probably hang out.

Okay, but stop smiling.

You're giving me a headache.

How'd you two meet?

We go way back to high school.

I thought you said you met yesterday.

Well, we gay met yesterday.

He never paid attention to me in high school,

but this time...

sparks.

Sparks are what it's all about. Right, honey?

Mm-hm.

Sparks.

Looks like they're having a really nice time.

Are you kidding?

Okay, check out your pigmentally challenged friend.

He has his hands all over

that Ryan Phillippe/ Kwanten/Reynolds guy,

but his eyes are on Zack.

So looks like you two can't get enough of each other.

Oh, I know. I mean, look at us.

We're practically making love.

Nope.

We can't keep our hands off of each other.

Oh, my God, it's huge.

Surprises me every time.

Should you two be doing that in public?

The sign doesn't say public resort.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Not without kissing anyway.

Excellent idea.

Nice.

That gets me hot.

I will never truly understand the gays.

You don't even understand the Wheel of Fortune.

Good afternoon, beautiful ladies.

Hello, I-- we--

Hola, Luis.

I met Luis earlier.

So did I.

Like eye contact met.

Remember?

Can I bring you something else to drink?

Oh, I'm good. Oh.

Oh, Allow me to clean you up.

Oh, Jesus.

That is not how a gay man touches boobs.

- I knew you were straight. - You are correct.

Why would a straight guy want to work here?

There are many reasons to work here,

many beautiful reasons.

I am going to bring you another drink.

That is who I'm giving my virginity to.

Back off.

We flirted yesterday.

We've established something.

But he touched my breast.

Normally I would never fight with another woman

over a man, but fuck it.

I'm bored.

It's on.

Ew.

We should do brunch with them again.

Are you kidding? That was awful.

Huh?

We spent the entire time

pretending to be something we're not--

Happily monogamous.

Don't try to make me the bad guy here.

You agreed to be open this weekend.

You could've said no.

What possessed me to break up with Zack

and then try to be friends with him?

I mean, you'd think I would've learned

from every relationship Jennifer Aniston's ever had.

You broke up with him because you loved him,

and you want be friends with him

because you still love him.

Unfortunately, he loves Benji.

Don't remind me.

Did you see them all over each other today,

like horny little monkeys?

There was a lot of horny at that table.

It doesn't count if you're faking it,

which, I was,

except for the erection part.

Casey and Peter

don't need to an open relationship to be happy.

They've been together for, like, five minutes,

and I can tell Peter's already getting bored.

Is that how long it took you to get bored with me?

Come on.

We're in the middle of nowhere

with hot guys we'll never see again.

We can misbehave a little.

Then back to normal at home.

Yeah, but which is the normal you?

This one or the one back home?

Peter is boning everything in sight.

I'm gonna get busted, and you know what?

I'll deserve it.

You know what always helps me

when I get into this exact situation?

An ego boost.

Oh, my God,

you look amazing.

So do you.

Come on, now.

You made Zack fall in love with you once.

It's not like you're Marmaduke.

Look at this face...

Madonna would pay good money for cheekbones like those.

Especially for her face.

And you're funny and smart

and all the things some wonderful, sexy stud

is gonna see in you as soon as you start seeing it yourself.

Well, thank you, Mother.

Momma needs you to do something for her.

- What? - Wait for me at the bar.

You have to protect me from Lilly while I move in on the guy she wants.

Are you serious?

It's your turn to be my hag.

These are perfection.

I shall call it "The Lilly."

Oh, my.

So how many lonely fag hags have you picked up here?

Not as much as you might think.

Don't give me that.

Tons of women get dragged here by gay friends

who dump them for poppers and handjobs.

Um, I'm right here.

Yeah, but your brain isn't.

It's in Benji's pants or Casey's ass

or some shit like that.

It's not like that.

I just don't want Casey to find out

about our open weekend thing.

What would happen if Casey found out?

He'd say something like,

"You're better than being in a relationship

that isn't working for you."

You make Casey sound pretty smart.

But compromise is what being in a relationship's all about, right?

I should give it a try before throwing the whole thing away.

Well, here's your chance to test your theory.

How's it going?

Okay.

You're great at this.

I'm Jaden.

You having fun this weekend?

Yeah, I'm liking the peace and quiet.

Okay.

Actually, that came out all wrong.

What I mean to say is

I'm having a great weekend...

now.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

That's so hot.

You tried the Jacuzzi yet?

Yeah.

But I could always go again.

I want to wrap my legs around your face

like a pair of Bono sunglasses.

And then what?

Shit.

Okay.

I gotta go.

Hey, Peter,

just saw your boyfriend heading into the bar.

I don't mess with guys in relationships.

It's too much drama.

Okay.

Wouldn't want to compromise your morals.

See? Drama.

Fuck.

Holy shit.

He's cheating on Zack.

Hey Zackattack, I brought you a present.

What is he doing here?

Your boyfriend wanted to watch us do it.

- Consider him a peace offering. - I don't know.

- Is he too fat? - Am I what?

No, he's perfect, but...

Come on.

Your boyfriend's really into this.

Plus, l bet you taste delicious.

Damn, guys, that's hot.

Oh, yeah, so hot...

Are you okay?

You're kinda limp down there.

Just pretend.

Suck it.

Suck it with that pretty mouth.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, do his face.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, I'm close.

Me, too.

Oh, so close.

Oh, Fu...

I'm gonna come.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

That was just...

all kinds of wrong.

Now I'll try to find someone for you to watch me with.

One Lilly.

Shit.

I can not let him see her looking like that.

Penny, wait.

Penny.

Ay, dios mio.

Are you okay?

I think so.

Did you by any chance see me before I fell in?

I am afraid I did not, no.

Shart.

But I am sure you looked beautiful.

I'm so sorry, Penny.

- I didn't mean to. - I bet you didn't.

These are yours-- Room number 4.

And...

Hormone pills?

These are your pills?

Yes, they're mine.

So what? I get cramps.

Hey, lover.

Hi.

You know you cock-blocked me

and you weren't even in the room.

Sorry about that.

Eh, it don't stay blocked for long.

Pesky thing.

Hey, thanks for being my pretend boyfriend.

I have to say this is

one of the most perverted things I've ever done.

Did you really have a crush on me in high school?

Absolutely. You were so adorable.

Still are.

So, why don't you have a boyfriend?

Maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm kind of a slut.

I've noticed.

I'm just not the boyfriend type.

I'm definitely the boyfriend type.

That's part of what makes you so hot.

And why I haven't tried to go to naked town with you.

I respect you.

That's really sweet, but...

I'd love to be disrespected right now.

♪ Will we ever ♪

♪ Will we ever get there?

♪ Waiting on the horizon ♪

♪ For ships to come ♪

♪ There is something to believe in again ♪

♪ Something's passing through me ♪

♪ Like electricity ♪

♪ Constantly waiting till I see you again ♪

♪ Running wild ♪

I'm so sorry, Penny.

What were you thinking?

Honestly?

I didn't mean to knock you in the pool.

I just didn't want Luis to see you looking that good.

So you did do it on purpose.

No, I just said I didn't.

You said you didn't want him to see me looking that gorgeous.

I didn't say gorgeous.

I can't believe I covered for your stupid hormone pills.

That was really sweet of you.

Mind if I have them back now?

Like I told Luis,

they're mine.

You know he named that drink after me?

It's called the Penny.

♪ Will we ever, will we ever get there? ♪

♪ Waiting on the horizon ♪

I should tell Zack what I saw,

but he will totally hate me.

I'd wanna know if my boyfriend was cheating on me.

Maybe they have an open relationship.

- Really? Zack? - I know.

So are you and Peter a thing now?

No, it was just like, friend sex,

really amazing friend sex.

- We're friends. - Ew.

Please, like I'd waste my cherry on your little pink baby corn.

What happened with the bartender?

Hello. Have you seen the bandage on my head?

Obviously there's a terrible story behind it.

I wasn't sure that was a bandage.

I mean sometimes you dress kinda weird.

Damn, don't bruise me before the underwear party.

They're all underwear parties.

Apparently, you can't have a wedding without three nights of orgies.

First comes love, then comes marriage.

But they never warn you about the three ways in between.

I don't wanna lose Benji over this.

- I normally love three-ways. - Who doesn't?

I just don't want one in my relationship.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense.

If you fantasize about it,

why not share that with your boyfriend?

I guess I'm over-thinking it.

I mean, last night should have been totally hot.

Just give yourself over.

Over to what, studmuffin?

Absolute pleasure.

Last night was just an appetizer.

Tonight...

we're having a real three-way.

I lurve you.

I lurve you, too.

It's underwear night.

Why aren't you in your panties?

I miss wearing clothes.

Well, I have plans for tonight,

so the room is free for whatever you need to do,

say bring a certain someone back to it and get it on?

Don't bother.

I don't plan on using it.

Then the room will sit there empty.

Fine by me.

Come on, Casey.

This is your life.

Get out there and live it.

You make everything sound like a Tweet from Oprah.

I forgot how much I love ordering in.

Oh, what about this guy?

Versatile top loves group play.

Ooh, 5'1"? Sixty-nining short guys cramps my neck.

We don't have to do this if you don't--

Whoa, what about him?

Hmm, not my type.

How 'bout that guy?

No, thanks.

He looks 12. He looks a hundred.

He looks like Rachel Maddow.

Whoa.

Super hot.

It says he's only looking for friendship.

Let's see if he wants to be our friend.

If I were a stupid, heartless bitch,

where would I hide someone's meds?

Casey.

Figures.

Where are they?

Ugh. Harry Potter vibrator?

♪ I'm on a man hunt, man hunt ♪

♪ I'm not looking for the one ♪

♪ I'm on a man hunt, man hunt ♪

I didn't think finding a three-way would be so complicated.

Well, when you're matching three checklists

against each other, it gets pretty elaborate.

It's a good thing I studied calculus.

Hey, let's split up and meet back up in 30.

See what we can rustle up on our own?

Okay.

♪ Then I wonder if sometimes ♪

♪ I just want to be alone ♪

♪ I'm on a man hunt, man hunt ♪

♪ I just want a night of fun ♪

♪ I'm on a man hunt, man hunt... ♪

♪ I'm not looking for the one... ♪

Look, I'm just gonna be straight-up honest

because, what the hell, I'm never gonna see you again.

I sensed some kind of flirtation going on between us,

and, well, I'm a virgin,

and I really don't want to be anymore,

so if you're not busy,

can we fuck?

With condoms?

Your honesty is,

uh, sexy,

but can I be honest as well?

You're gay.

No.

I just.

I know what those pills were.

I like women, real women.

But those were...

If you honestly think

that those pills make me any less of a woman,

then you're not nearly enough man for me.

Wait, I-- You--

Pedomierda.

Hey, Peter.

Yeah, the bar is three blocks down

and two blocks west.

- See ya. - Yeah I'm a person, too, you know.

Who was that?

Who was who?

That guy you were just hitting on.

Ugh, I don't even wanna know.

Damn it.

Face it, Penny, you'll die a virgin.

Time for some Quidditch.

Ooh!

Where's your boyfriend?

Um...

where is yours?

Oh, um, he's picking out...

underwear.

Oh.

Hey, um.

Can we go somewhere and talk?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, um, how about my room?

I wasn't hitting on that guy.

Come on.

It was more obvious than the dent

in Anderson Cooper's forehead.

Something's weird about your relationship with Casey.

Excuse me, Chelsea Lately,

but you and Zack seem to be having problems of your own.

Why do you say that?

Well, for one, look at us.

Oh.

Go for the golden snitch.

Oh.

Oh.

Shart, shart, shart.

I might get to see some gay sex.

Um, what's that?

Penny.

Ugh. It smells like lima beans.

So there's nothing unusual happening with you and Casey?

And there's nothing unusual with you and Zack?

You first.

Let's go get Zack, then find Casey,

then figure out what's going on.

Fine.

But real quick.

Much better.

Yup.

So I have to tell you something.

I saw something last night.

So did I.

Why do you think we didn't work out?

I-- I don't know.

Um...

gay guys can't have long term relationships?

You know that's not true.

I guess maybe because we never tried to spice things up?

What? You wanted an open relationship?

No.

I know we're gay,

and we're supposed to be able to make up whatever kind of family we want,

but for me my family--

It's just gonna be one special person standing beside me...

someone to grow old with,

even during the boring times.

I miss the boring times.

Shit, wrong room.

Hello.

What's going on, guys?

Nothing.

I don't know. It looks awfully horny in here.

Well, what are you two doing together?

Looking for you guys.

What were you talking about?

How to keep the spark alive.

Yeah?

How do you guys do that?

Benji was doubting our sparks.

Well, we've got sparks, right, Zack?

I can feel some sparks right about now, in fact.

Um, we should get ready for the party.

I'll go first.

Well, I don't need to change in the bathroom

if you guys don't mind.

Yeah, go ahead.

- Damn. - Damn.

Damn.

My underwear are back in my room.

Hey, honey,

you got some underwear I can borrow?

Yeah, check in my suitcase.

You look great in those trunks, Zack.

Maybe I can try them on?

Y-You wanna try mine on?

Please?

He said please.

How do they look?

- They look good. - Real good.

Except something's poking out of 'em.

Oh, yeah.

I see that.

It'd be hard to miss.

Um, hi.

Come here, boyfriend.

Zack and I were...

Have never had break-up sex.

Ow.

That's hot.

Is this what you wanted?

Or this?

What's that?

Air conditioning?

Works for me.

Stay here.

Where's the condoms?

Over here.

Shh.

Get back up here, Casey.

Oh. Yes, sir.

So, who's doing who?

Whom.

Yeah, Zack.

Who's doing who?

Whom.

Well...

I think I wanna do...

I've had it.

What grabbed me.

There's a monster under the bed!

What the hell?

- What's going on? - Hi.

And what were you doing under there?

I was just masturbating.

I don't know what she was doing.

I was looking for my medication this bitch stole.

Then you guys came in and started playing Human Centipede.

This is too messy for me.

You're part of this mess.

No, he's not.

Zack...

Peter and I aren't boyfriends.

We never were.

What?

I didn't want you to feel sorry for me,

that you had a boyfriend and I didn't,

so I asked Peter to pretend that we were dating.

I knew it.

Well, not that, but I knew something.

- I'm sorry. - I should've known.

Everything you do involves a giant conspiracy.

You should've just have been honest with him.

That's priceless coming from you, Benji.

I saw him bring a guy back into your room last night.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

- I can bring back whoever I want. - Whomever.

'Cause Zack and I are in an open relationship.

An open...?

I-- I didn't know.

Benji wanted us to give it a try.

But why didn't...?

Wait a minute.

You're giving me a hard time for lying,

when you've been lying about your perfect relationship all along?

Fuck you.

Well, we're better than you and I ever were.

Benji, c'mon.

These are the gays of our lives.

I cannot believe him. When is he gonna grow up?

And you, what was that?

I'm sorry.

Maybe I can make it up to you?

Yeah, it's mostly political,

but I wanna make a statement...

with you.

We're not perfect, but what couple is?

Marry me.

Tomorrow...

while it's legal.

Marry me.

Are you serious?

Fine.

That's so romantic.

♪ So what am I so afraid of ♪

♪ If it's just you? ♪

♪ But, baby, you're hot and cold ♪

♪ And maybe you'll never know ♪

♪ Just what you want me to ♪

♪ Everything I need you to say ♪

♪ Didn't talk 'cause I was so afraid ♪

♪ Everything I need you to hear ♪

♪ Didn't talk 'cause I'm my latest fear ♪

Hey.

Hop in.

Everything's better after a Jacuzzi.

How're you feeling?

Like I just sat through the first three Twilight movies.

That bad, huh?

Hey, I'm sorry about getting you mixed up in all this.

It's okay.

This definitely makes my top-ten kinky list.

And it was fun hanging out with you.

And you know what? You are a great kisser.

And you are packin' the goods down there.

Thanks.

Zack's right, you know.

Every time I want to get close to him, I just lie.

What is wrong with me?

Deep-seated insecurity.

Well how can I not have that when I don't look like you?

Oh stop using the you're-better-looking-than-me as a crutch, Casey.

We've all got shit we're insecure about.

And what are you insecure about?

- Hmm... - See?

I'm playin'. Of course I'm insecure.

I'm insecure that I spend so much time

trying to get laid

that I'll pass up on a good opportunity

when something meaningful comes my way.

I'm insecure that I can't commit to a relationship ever.

And when I finally do,

once the sex with me gets boring,

I won't have enough to offer.

And I'm insecure that my arms aren't big enough.

My legs are too skinny.

- My hair is thin-- - Okay, shut up.

When we get back to the city, we should hang out,

I want to go to bars, meet some guys

now that I'm finally accepting that Zack and I are over.

Yeah, I heard about their wedding.

What?

You feel any better yet?

I feel like Mel Gibson at the Museum of Tolerance.

Let's keep trying.

Here's what's really jacked.

I miss him.

The bean pole?

Yeah. That's why I wanted to be friends with him.

On paper we're totally wrong for each other.

He's all dorky and self conscious.

He likes Gaga more than Madonna,

and he actually laughs at clowns.

But...

But his goofy smile just slays me every time.

He loves old movies.

We always order the same thing on the menu.

And he always means well, even when he's lying.

And from what I saw,

he's hung like The Incredible Hulk.

Yeah, skinny guys never fail to surprise.

And he's not into open relationships.

I don't know.

Ask yourself something.

Why are talking about Casey

when you're about marry Benji?

- You look so good. - You look so good.

Oh, it's our flower girl.

You can be my something blue.

Very funny.

Darlin', what's wrong?

Did Kathy Griffin get another face-lift?

Zack's getting married.

Our Zack?

And he's in an open relationship.

Oh, I hate his guts.

Oh, come now, there's too much hate in the world already.

- You don't hate Zack. - I know.

Maybe this is life giving you one of those teachable moments

they're always talking about on CNN.

Maybe you can put a little more love

back in the world by supporting Zack.

Are you kidding me?

I don't wanna see him get married

to some guy who's not me.

But this isn't about you.

This is about someone you love.

And even though Zack might not know it,

he needs your friendship.

Are you gonna be there for him?

Truce?

How did you know I was behind you?

Transsexual sense. We all have it.

You do?

Yeah, TSP.

So truce?

Truce.

What's the catch?

I think our fight is actually pretty stupid.

It's just that since Jason,

I act like I'm confident

and I can find another boyfriend whenever I want,

but...

- I'm scared. - You and me both.

Oh, come on. You have a natural born vagina.

Just lay it out on plate, and men come crawling.

But my personality scares them off.

I wish I was more like you.

I can't believe a cis woman just said that to me.

A what?

A non-transsexual.

Oh..

Buenos Dias, ladies.

He's all yours.

Oh, I'm mad at him.

It is hot today, isn't it?

God, it's hard to stay mad at him.

Is he flirting with you or me?

He's playing with both of us.

I guess teasing gay boys isn't enough.

He has to get us women to fight each other, too.

Let's go put that sexy bastard in his place.

- You've got balls. - That's not funny.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I meant in the same way I do.

Just fucking with you. I know what you meant.

And do you, Rick, promise to love Steve

for as both as you long shall live?

- Well, duh. - Great.

Congratulations.

So you heard.

Yeah.

I'm sorry that I lied to you.

I'm sorry, too.

Are you excited for your wedding?

I don't know.

We're just getting married to make a political statement.

I always pictured a big beautiful wedding.

What, you in white?

Sunflowers everywhere.

A choir singing Ray of Light.

We'd write our own vows.

Aw, and they'd make us cry when we read 'em.

And when the minister pronounced us husband and husband...

We'd do a choreographed dance to "Umbrella."

With umbrellas.

I-- I didn't mean we. I meant you.

Do you do you need a best man?

What? Are you serious?

I know I haven't always been the best man,

but...

I came here to tell you that I want you in my life,

even if it is just as your best man.

I get why you did it.

You wanted the best for me.

It's what best men do.

So does that mean I can do it?

But this isn't my real wedding.

Casey? It's time.

This is his room.

So what's the plan?

I thought you had a plan?

That's because you're stupid.

Wait. What if he's with someone?

You're right. We should break in.

- What are you doing? - Shh.

Come on, Luis.

Are you scared to face up to the consequences

of the way you treat women?

I spy with my little eye

something that begins with pussy.

I not scared.

I am naked.

Oh, my. You are.

He's butt naked and circumcised.

Congratulations. You can read.

What are you doing here?

You've been playing us against each other this whole weekend.

Leading us on.

Naming the same drink after both of us.

Ogling our bosoms.

What's the matter with you?

I sorry.

I just like the attention,

but I'm harmless.

You see, no women will ever have me

because of my...

problem.

What problem?

Oh, Penny, I should not have been so quick to judge you.

You are right.

It is not your anatomy that makes you a beautiful woman.

So what, you're trans now?

I was trying to do the right thing.

- Those were not your pills? - No, they're mine,

and how is stealing my identity the right thing?

Well, I guess you had to be there.

It doesn't matter who is what.

You are both beautiful women.

And like so many beautiful and cruel women before,

neither of you will have me once you have seen my problem.

What's you're goddamned problem already?

I was born with a tail.

Born with a what?

Whoa.

My mother, she thought it was a sign from God,

so she made the doctors keep it,

and now that I am grown,

it is too dangerous for them to take it out.

Because of this tail,

women scream

and I never make love.

I just flirt.

I kind of know exactly where you're coming from.

So now what?

To be honest,

I'm having some really trashy thoughts right now.

Me, too.

What is happening?

I don't think they have a name for this in Spanish.

- No way. - Not happening.

Let's just keep you in the middle.

Maravillosa.

Quick question-- Can that thing get hard?

Jerry, you're the Aladdin to my Jasmine,

the Weasley to my Hermione,

and the Brad to my Angelina if they're still together.

Oh, Bernard, I once loved someone and set him free.

He slept with a meth head and ran off with a hairdresser.

Of course he did.

So now I'm gonna tie you down while I can, okay?

You two are next.

We've assigned witnesses

unless you have friends or family here.

Yeah, my best man is their flower girl.

- Oh, but... - But what?

Oh, my...

That means you two

are the ex and new boyfriend

he was so intimidated by?

- He told you? - He told someone.

I just have really good hearing.

So he's gonna help you guys get married?

Guys that good are really hard to find.

Yeah, they are.

Love is never easy.

We won't always understand each other.

We won't even like each other some days,

but no matter what, you're a part of me.

My heart is connected to yours,

and no argument, no document,

and certainly no court ruling

is ever going to change that.

And now, by the power vested in me--

- Can we kiss already? - Please, please.

So now I've had sex.

How does it feel?

It was good...

but not as good as cheesecake.

It never is.

There will be cheesecake at the wedding reception.

The wedding.

Those old farts sure took their time.

Okay, we've got five minutes

before the legal marriage loophole closes.

You two ready?

Ready.

Aah, wait. My tail is stuck.

Okay, we are here to join Zachary and Benjamin

in rapid matrimony.

Marriage is a contract

that should not be entered into lightly, blah, blah, blah,

we gotta hurry this up if you guys wanna do this in time,

so does anyone object?

Anyone?

Someone objects.

Oh, God, her?

No. Sorry.

I wasn't-- Not forever holding my peace.

Okay, so do you Zachary

take Benjamin to be your lawfully wedded partner for life?

I...

I...

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, sure by all means, please do.

You've got several seconds.

We can't do this.

You don't even love me.

No, but I lurve you.

We're evolving,

and this is just a legal procedure, that's it.

I know it is, for you.

That's not what marriage is to me.

I'm not fighting

for the right to make a political statement.

I'm asking my country to recognize me

for who I am and the family I want to make,

and this isn't it.

Are you saying you don't want to make a family with me?

I guess I am.

I mean, I lurve you...

but...

I love somebody else.

You've always been there. It's always been you.

It's always been you.

I just I didn't realize it...

Until now.

One minute.

I'm really sorry.

Go ahead, kiss him.

You were my best friend,

then my boyfriend,

and then my best man,

- and now-- - Thirty seconds.

Is somebody going to get married or what?

What a day it's been.

What a life it's going to be.

One Penny.

Ooh.

And one Lilly.

Thank you, Luis.

We're gonna miss you, Luis.

Oh, you will forget me once you leave this place.

- Never. - Probably.

Hm.

So how do you feel now that you're a woman?

Not that different than before.

Just a little more...

I don't know, powerful.

I'll be asking you the same question in a few weeks.

And you'll probably get the same answer.

To a beautiful weekend. To two beautiful women.

Cheers.

Shall we?

You're awful frisky for a jilted groom.

Hey, it sucks to break up,

but that's why they invented rebounds.

Rebounds are my specialty.

And three-ways-- Those are my specialty.

For a second there I thought we were gonna get married.

I know. So did I.

Can you imagine?

Well, yeah.

Me, too.

So we both love each other. So now what?

You mean what if we get bored again?

Yeah.

I guess we could always break up.

And then lie, trick, and seduce our way

back into each other's hearts.

Sounds like a plan.

We are so weird.

♪ So I asked for love ♪

♪ I asked for a song ♪

- ♪ And there'll be joy ♪ - ♪ There'll be joy ♪

- ♪ Joy ♪ - ♪ There'll be joy ♪

♪ Joy ♪

♪ I searched for peace ♪

♪ I begged for health ♪

- ♪ And I Prayed for time ♪ - ♪ Prayed for time ♪

- ♪ And there'll be joy ♪ - ♪ There'll be joy ♪

- ♪ Joy ♪ - ♪ There'll be joy ♪

♪ Joy ♪

♪♪

♪ I searched for peace ♪

♪ I begged for health ♪

♪ And I prayed for time ♪

♪ Prayed for time ♪

- ♪ And there'll be joy ♪ - ♪ There'll be joy ♪

- ♪ Joy ♪ - ♪ There'll be joy ♪

♪ Joy ♪

♪ Took a walk alone today ♪

♪ First time I'd seen the sun ♪

♪ The oceans, every blade of grass, and I ♪

♪ We all live as one ♪

♪ Two birds in a yellowwood tree ♪

♪ I wish our love would always be ♪

♪ I've seen the works of heaven ♪

♪ But it took your love to set me free ♪

♪ I've seen the wonders of the world ♪

♪ Stood on mountains green and tall ♪

♪ Seen kingdoms rise and fall ♪

♪ All for love and war ♪

♪ Yet I yearn to understand ♪

♪ The amazement in my hands ♪

♪ There's nothing on this land ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Amaze me ♪

♪ Thought about how you made me see ♪

♪ And how the colors came to life in me ♪

♪ When I saw a butterfly ♪

♪ Dance upon destiny ♪

♪ And I watched it rise up and fly ♪

♪ It was then I saw you and I ♪

♪ I feel like a little child ♪

♪ On its first breath of life ♪

♪ I've seen the wonders of the world ♪

♪ Stood on mountains green and tall ♪

♪ Seen kingdoms rise and fall ♪

♪ All for love and war ♪

♪ Yet I yearn to understand ♪

♪ The amazement in my hands ♪

♪ There's nothing on this land ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Amaze me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, whoa... ♪

♪ When I count the compromises ♪

♪ Showed me like... inside ♪

♪ And I saw you ♪

♪ I've seen the wonders of the world ♪

♪ Stood on mountains green and tall ♪

♪ Seen kingdoms rise and fall ♪

♪ All for love and war ♪

♪ Yet I yearn to understand ♪

♪ The amazement in my hands ♪

♪ There's nothing on this land ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ There's nothing on this land ♪

♪ Like you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Amaze me ♪

You are 10 kinds of sexy.

How do you feel about open relationships?

Intrigued.

Do you maybe want to go out on a date?

I'd like that.

Can I come?

Just kidding. I'm a Republican Congressman.

Can you imagine if that got out?

♪ Do you like what you see? ♪

♪ I keep entertaining ♪

♪ Why won't you let me be? ♪

♪ Me be? ♪

♪ So what am I supposed to do? ♪

♪ To do business with you? ♪

♪ I like your company ♪

♪ Your company ♪

♪ Keep it professional ♪

♪ Keep it ♪

♪ Keep it professional ♪

♪ Extra! Extra! Read all about it ♪

♪♪

♪ Keep it professional... ♪

♪ Extra, extra, extra ♪

♪ Read all about it ♪