Original subtitles

Flu epidemic at peak. Paper!

Thousands away from work. Paper!

ALL COMPLAIN

His mudguard smashed against my hand.

This is really important.

You were walking with your back to the car?

What if I was? You shouldn't have been.

It was dangerous driving.

Just a minute, all of you!

Six down with flu now. Difficult days, eh, Sergeant?

Yes, sir, very difficult for some of us.

Some of us? Difficult for all of us.

For those of us who has to carry on.

It can't be difficult for those who have flu.

They're in bed in the section house. I don't get your meaning.

All I'm saying is it's a difficult time for those of us who have flu.

No, you said it's a difficult time for those of us...

BOTH: Who haven't got flu.

Yes.

Anyway, there's too much arguing and it's bad for discipline.

Now, I've warned you once, I shan't warn you again.

Yes, sir, this time it's final... again.

Would you like to see my shubunkin?

If it will give you any satisfaction.

That's him with the three stripes. Or her.

What about that plain one?

I'm hoping that's the opposite of the other one.

Haven't got much room, have they?

They don't need much room for, er...

Anyway, I'm putting them in a pond.

Who's gonna dig that, sir? I see.

Hard work never hurt anyone, Wilkie.

I feel very well myself.

You surprise me. Anyway, see that my orders are carried out.

Yes, sir.

Well, go on.

I haven't any orders, sir. What?

You asked me about replacements, sir.

I did? Due to the flu epidemic, sir.

Yes, you thought I'd forgotten it, didn't you?

Three temporary replacements.

Three!

In the police corps. Anyway, chase them!

They're volunteers. Half a rousing and they resign.

Don't argue. But remember, if there isn't a change around here...

I'll ask for you to be transferred.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

It was dangerous driving and I want to report it.

Sedition!

Well, Sergeant Moon, it's happened.

Threatened to transfer you?

The crafty... If you weren't a lady, I'd say it.

If you weren't a gentleman, I'd expect you to.

What a technique!

Give the sergeant all the work, but before he gets credit,...

.. panic him into making a mistake, moan to HQ, bingo, I'm transferred.

Sergeant Wilkins, I need a hand.

Coming.

I want my provisional licence.

Post office.

We need purges in this country.

I was here before him.

My neighbour's radio's too loud. What can I do?

Move! Stick it, Thurston.

Relief's coming. Replacements, Sergeant?

Three! Three keen, alert, raring-to-go constables. I hope.

Hurry up. It's nearly closing time.

Good afternoon.

Just a moment. Could you direct me to the police station?

Just cross over and it's on the left

Thanks awfully. I'm new here. Sorry to have delayed you.

That's quite all right.

Any luck? Rather.

Thank goodness. My feet are killing me.

What a nice fellow. It's this way.

GHOSTLY MUSIC

Now what?

A cross-eyed man crossing our path.

Cor! Shocking bad luck.

Utter twaddle!

You may sneer if you wish, Benson, but cosmic forces rule our lives.

And a cross-eyed man seen when the moon is in

its third quarter is the worst omen there is.

It means two misfortunes.

You can tempt fate if you like, but I'm not crossing this road here.

CAR SKIDS & TOOTS HORN

That's one misfortune.

Aah!

That's two misfortunes.

All right, we can cross now.

Thanks, chaps.

I'll have a constable to you soon.

Why? Want make a male-voice quartet?

Sssh!

Sergeant! It's our replacements.

Welcome! Welcome!

What a lovely sight, eh, Thurston?

Not half, Sergeant.

At ease, at ease.

I'm Benson. This is Constable Potter and this is Constable Constable.

Who?

Charlie Constable.

Oh, that's your name?

Yeah, and everybody takes the mickey.

We won't here, Constable Constable.

I'm pleased to here it, Sergeant Sergeant.

Yes. Well, what delayed you? Couldn't you find the station?

That's right.

Sense of humour, eh? That's good.

You're from police school. How'd you do?

Frightfully fit, thanks.

No, how did you do at school?

Horrible.

You're pulling my leg, aren't you? You didn't really do badly at school?

Well, we did pass.

Just. In my case, it was prejudice. The instructors were old-fashioned.

All hostile to my forensic theories.

That had nothing to do with it.

Sergeant, on the day of the finals, a black cat fell off the roof.

Mars was in conjunction with Uranus.

I ask you, Sergeant. How could we possibly do well?

About 100 trainees did very well.

They were influenced by Pisces.

Oh, Pisces yourself.

You septic!

It's sceptic, you ignoramus.

Don't get so rattled.

Exam results aren't everything. Hear, hear!

Hear, hear.

Put us on the beat, Sergeant. We'll show the instructors.

That's the spirit. Now...

Sergeant, jewellery-shop robbery. Subject caught.

Get on with it.

When caught, they were in hysterics.

Psychopaths.

Nutcases. Very sad. When...

No, they thought it was worth a stretch...

.. because a constable helped them. A posh fellow with a moustache.

Nutcases. There's no constable answering to that desr...

I, um... Them? Robbers?

GHOSTLY MUSIC

The wall-eyed man.

What wall-eyed man?

An omen, I knew it was an omen.

Mark my words, Jupiter's behind this.

Jupiter?

Jupiter.

Now are you convinced?

If you think a cock-eyed pedestrian

can make Potter any more stupid than he already is, you're mistaken.

Benson, step outside.

Yeah, step outside. Delighted!

Just a minute, just a minute.

Hello. Hello, Gorse.

Sorry I'm late, but I had to bring something for the poor constables.

So it was off to my greenhouse, and with a snip here and a snip there,..

.. and here we are with my love.

Oh, what have I said? With my very best floral greetings.

Thank you, Gorse.

You weren't on duty during the crime, so forget it.

A crime? Goody! Where?

I was going down the road...

Forget it! Special Constable Gorse.

Benson. How do you do?

Him.

How do you do?

Potter. How do you do?

And now meet Bobby. Say hello, Bobby.

ALL: Hello, Bobby.

Isn't he quaint? I couldn't leave him.

Well, Gorse will be working full time with us. You'll all sleep together.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Harrison!

Yes, Sergeant.

Show these constables their quarters, please.

This way.

With you, anywhere.

Flu or no flu, we must get time off, Policewoman Harrison.

How do you like to spend it? Cinema, dancing, or just talking?

Ooh!

A dog. Symbol of Pluto.

The darkest, most evil planet of them all.

Oh, crikey!

Oh, dry up. What's it doing here?

She's a police dog.

Why wasn't it tied up? What you been noshing, aniseed balls?

Don't tell her off, Sergeant, she's taken to me.

Harrison, get these men out of here.

Yes, Sergeant.

Come on, Lady, this way.

DOG BARKS

Lady!

Sergeant Wilk...

When you can spare a moment.

It'd be fun to spend our off time together, eh, Policewoman Harrison?

What do your friends call you?

Policewoman Harrison.

That's a nice name. My name's Potter, Tom Potter. None hotter.

This is it.

This is our accommodation?

That's all that's available.

I don't like it. There's a saying -

.. spend your first night in a strange bed below ground level...

.. and bad luck will haunt you straight from the devil.

Sort yourselves out and report to Sergeant Wilkins.

Yes, sir. Bless you.

Policewoman Harrison.

What is it? I'm busy.

Too busy to get acquainted?

I'll think about it.

Don't take too long.

I think I'm going to like it here.

How can you say that, Potter?

With all the omens stacked up against us. I've warned you.

Yes, when Mars is in conjunction with

Uranus, it'll be a bumpy night. Come on.

I never said that.

You sent for us, Sergeant.

And here we are.

Keen, aren't you? Rather.

Gorse, you patrol area five.

Benson, I've got something special for you.

On my first day, too.

This way.

Willy!

Willy!

Police!

Oh!

Police! Police!

Coppers!

Get out of my way, you fool, I want a policeman.

Madam, I am a policeman.

So you are. Oh, thank heavens. What a blessed relief.

My little boy, officer, he's gone. Find my little Willy.

Madam! Panic not. I must have your particulars.

Oh, hurry up. Have pity on a mother's agony.

Madam, I shall have him back here before you can say Jack Robinson.

You little stop-out. Giving me a turn like that.

I'll skin you alive. Madam, you've no...

You shut up and buzz off and mind your own business, bluebottle.

I'll tell your dad. He'll have your guts.

I say, madam, wait!

Lady!

Heel, Lady, heel! Heel!

Lady, wait!

Lady, wait! Lady, come back!

Lady!

Lady!

Oh!

Oh, where's the doggy gone?

Confound the creature. I've done myself an injury.

I nearly broke my neck.

Have you studied it? Yes.

OK. Right, first question.

Ready? Right.

What's the shortest route between Waverly Square and the high street?

I don't know, I'm a stranger here myself.

Let's be serious, shall we?

Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh?

Life's a serious business. The forces of destiny...

The most powerful force is the sparkle in a popsy's eyes.

Please! Let's study our routes.

I'm only interested in the route to Policewoman Harrison's heart.

Yes. Thank you, goodbye.

WPC Passworthy, Sergeant. On temporary attachment.

Oh!

As a connoisseur of police officers,

.. I have never before been arrested with such charm. Never!

I salute her.

You mean you arrested Mrs May on your way here?

I wasn't yet on station strength, Sergeant, but I was in uniform.

I was called to help by a barman with a bleeding head.

I can imagine the circumstances.

Mrs May is a regular customer here.

Oh, charming. You're all so charming.

OK, Passworthy, you did well. Good start. I'll charge her.

Usual? Drunk?

And disorderly.

Take her to the cells, they're just...

I can find my own way, Sergeant.

Watch out, Sergeant. She'll have your job within a week.

Bye now.

I usually have that nice cell with the

southern exposure, Policewoman Passworthy.

Don't trouble to take me any further. I know my way.

No trouble, Mrs May, it's my job.

Ah-ha-ha. Me old friend, number five.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

I had eight brandies to help my digestion,...

.. and that crude barman insulted me by asking me to leave.

I did what any lady would do in the circumstances.

I hit him on the head with a siphon soda.

Well, just settle down and behave yourself. Sleep it off.

I don't like your tone, my girl, I don't like it at all.

I'm going to write to my friend, the Home Secretary. Overwrought I may be.

To hear you go on, anyone would think I was seeing things. Not nice.

Heavens, I'm seeing things!

Look, in that cell, policemen.

Now, Mrs May, I can see them, too.

Who heard of policemen in a cell? Fetch a doctor from Harley Street!

No, keep away! I swear I'll never touch another drop. I swear.

Come back here, Mrs May. Look, see, they're real policemen.

They may not look it, but...

Do you mind?

Oh, it speaks.

Please, Mrs May.

How do you do? My name's Potter.

No, not one of the Hertfordshire Potters?

Yes, I'm the youngest son, Thomas.

My dear boy, how delightful! I came out with your mother.

Did you? You never told me your mum had been inside.

Now, if I can do anything to help you in your careers,

I'm a close personal friend of the Home Secretary...

.. and I... We know.

But you're also very tired.

You'd better get a kip, madam.

Kip? Oh, kip!

Yes, well, perhaps I will. Goodbye, au revoir, see you later.

Policewoman Passworthy, when's Policewoman Harrison next off duty?

Right now. She's off with flu.

Oh, what a shame. Poor old Harrison.

Life must go on. I hate going to the flicks on my own. Would you...?

This is my first assignment since training

school and I intend to work and work.

I hope that's clear.

Get on with whatever you've doing.

Oh, well, I am. Right now I'm familiarising myself with the...

.. prominent points around here.

She's beautiful.

Policewoman Passworthy. Beautiful.

Nicely stacked. Passworthy, hmm, interesting name.

Not quite my type, I'm afraid. You know, she's too regimental, too...

Charlie, you mean you?

You've seen the old sparkle? Oh, I never thought I'd see the day.

Me neither. Oh, it's terrible.

What? You don't understand.

You see, I... I can't.

You can. There's always a first time.

No, no, no. I can't. I've got to be very careful with girls.

Who hasn't?

There you go, taking the mickey.

No, I'm not honestly, Charlie, honestly. What's your problem?

You won't take the mickey?

Those boys. Those dear boys.

Thank you for being so real.

You were saying.

Sssh! Not now. Let her sleep.

Will that dog find its way back?

Yes. Lady's absolutely marvellous.

Not the adjective I'd have chosen. However.

You know the local police quite well?

Yes, I do. A fine body of men.

So they're mentally constipated?

Why do you say that?

Criminology is in its infancy and infantile minds are in charge of it.

Really? Yes.

What's the function of a policeman on his beat?

Erm... to catch criminals.

No, to prevent crime.

Easy to say.

Easy to do if you study.

Study what? Physiognomy.

I'm not altogether with you.

Neither were the instructors. There are signs in the face.

I can tell at a glance if a man is of criminal inclination.

Good heavens, how very useful.

If all that stuff at the school was

scrapped and we learnt forensic physiognomy,

it would revolutionise police practice.

That's what I'm interested in. Not taking dogs for walks.

It's old-fashioned muck.

I'm sorry. I was thinking of something else.

That's quite all right.

Go on, then, do it on him.

What do you mean?

Do physi-what-you-ma-call-it on him.

On him? He's as honest as the day is long.

Can you tell that quickly?

At a glance. Of course, one has to study. It means years of research.

But the signs always show in a criminal's face.

Turned rather chilly, hasn't it?

Have you got flu?

That man! He pinched my braces!

BIRD CHIRPS

Morning, Bobby. Ready for brekkers? Uncle's coming.

Ow!

Naughty, rude Bobby!

Laughing because poor Uncle Timothy hurt his footy. You're a bad bird.

# Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop!

Wakey, wakey!

Rise and shine!

GHOSTLY MUSIC

Up and out!

Must you make that flaming row?

Restrain yourself!

I know someone who didn't get out of the right side of their bed.

All ready, then? Come on, turn it on.

ALL:

Oh, I'm sorry, I remember now. It's only hot at certain times.

You maniac!

We'll all catch... f-f-f-f-flu.

Let's get out of here.

ALL:

Gentlemen, really!

One of the Hertfordshire Potters. It's utterly disgraceful!

You did ask for a cell with a southern exposure.

No time like the present, Charlie. Go to it. Remember, delay is fatal.

Hello there.

Good morning, Constable Constable.

My name's Charlie. Charles, actually

It's against regulations to be familiar. Didn't you learn anything?

Yes, Policewoman Passworthy. I know what constitutes an obstruction,

parking regulations, rules of evidence. I was top with a truncheon.

That's a great comfort to us all, I'm sure.

Please, what's your birthday?

My what? Your birthday.

It's vital I know.

Don't be so silly.

No, please, tell me.

Here's the Sergeant. Go away!

Oh, dear!

Good morning, Sergeant.

Good morning. I see I'm not on patrol.

I'm glad you're so keen, Passworthy, but you must know the district.

Pick up a map and study it.

Yes, Sergeant.

I should never have tried. My tea leaves at breakfast were clotted.

Call in at Mrs Bottomley.

There were suspicious activities on her premises.

Yes, Sergeant. You're late, Constable.

We had some trouble with the shower.

Looks like I will, too, doesn't it?

Oh, how witty!

Quiet, Gorse! No more talking.

All present and correct, sir. Show your appointments.

Excuse me, sir.

Constable Benson, sir.

Yes?

In the absence of the dog handler, I took "Lady" walking.

On a job? Routine, sir.

What about it?

I protest at being sent out with a brute that far

from being trained seemed barely advanced from a wolf.

Don't send him out again with Lady.

No, sir. Thank you, sir.

Can't have Lady upset.

No, sir.

Why's your uniform torn?

I fell down some stairs, sir.

How? Quick!

Yes, sir, very quick. I was on a scooter.

On a scooter? Why wasn't I told?

The facts, Gorse. I was proceeding easterly...

And that canine misfit was proceeding westerly.

Quiet, Benson! Quiet, Wilkins!

You were there?

We were both nearly killed.

It's the fault of that stupid bitch.

There was a third party?

No. Lady.

Lady?

The dog, sir. She's a bitch, sir.

I know that.

Yes, sir.

We're all nattering like old women. Let's have some discipline.

Yes, sir.

How do you do, sir?

How do you..?

Constable Potter, sir.

I've seen you before.

No, I couldn't forget your face.

What do you mean? You have such an arresting face, sir.

Oh, very swift, an arresting face. You merry quipper, you.

Gorse!

Where have I seen you before?

Perhaps you met him in a previous existence, sir.

Who's this lot?

Constable, sir.

Constable who?

Constable, sir.

I know, I said Constable who?

Constable Constable, sir.

That's unusual, isn't it?

Yes, sir, isn't it?

Explain yourself Constable Constable.

Reincarnation, sir.

Who?

Reincarnation. It accounts for some of our more uncanny experiences.

Get away.

If you cooperate with me, sir,

I could uncover where you and Potter met in a previous life.

Utter nonsense!

Close your eyes and relax, sir.

Certainly not.

Please, sir. They're very strong, your hereditary thought waves.

Cor! Wait!

I can see a pond. A beautiful, artificial pond in a garden, sir.

Any fish?

The fountains are playing.

I said any fish?

No fish.

Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you and Potter. You're in the garden.

You're centurions together, sir. 2,000 years ago in ancient Rome.

Wait a minute. I can see the vestal virgins.

Ah, they've gone indoors.

I've never heard such poppycock.

Please, sir, let's try it again, we're very near. Shut your eyes, sir

Shut your trap! I've had enough. And I remember now.

You're a society playboy, Lothario.

One of the siphon-squirters and waiter-debaggers of this world.

Happy days, sir, eh?

You lot won't know what's hit you soon.

Horrible, disgusting!

I don't want trouble, you can't afford trouble, right?

Right.

Right.

You four, do you know your routes?

Yes, Sergeant. Well, concentrate on them.

This is a police patrol, not a protest march against Crufts,

a scooter demonstration,

boat-race night,

or a reincarnation seance.

It's just a routine police patrol.

ALL: Yes, Sergeant.

Just stay here, you lot, and remember, you're still on parade.

Ask me how it went.

All right, how did it go?

Don't ask.

Ask Thurston to meet me in the car.

Anything to help. And my voices tell me you do need help.

Potty-poos!

Potty-poos! Potty-darling!

Honoria, old thing!

Haven't seen you since Fruity Fotheringill's pyjama party.

I say, what is this, a rag?

No, I'm in the force.

Potter the Copper!

Meet my new chums.

Timothy Gorse, Charlie, Stanley Benson, Sergeant Wilkins.

Sweet, just sweet, all of you. Especially Wilky-poos.

I'm sorry, Sergeant, I...

Have I done something madly illegal?

Oh, no, you're just obstructing the police in the execution of their duty

It's my fault, Sergeant.

Oh, don't blame Potty-poodle. I'm terribly sorry.

You will forgive me, won't you? Everybody does.

Bye-bye, Potty-poodles.

It's my fault, Sergeant. I...

Back to work, Potty-poos!

Yes.

Gorse, you still there?

Yes.

Why? Your beat starts here!

Does it? Oh, so it does. Thank you.

I know, I know, this is where I get off.

Good morning, madam, can I help you?

Well, I certainly need a copper and that's a fact.

You're my first customer. Have this one on me.

Oh, ta.

By Jove! A simian amoralist with paralysed conscience.

Don't do it, my friend.

Don't do what? You know what.

I don't know what.

Pause, consider. If you can resist the temptation to steal that car,...

.. you won't want to rob that post office. But you'll need skilled help

To do the robbery?

No, to recover from your sickness.

You think I'm ill?

Crime is an illness. Its symptoms show in the face.

You need help. Look, come to me, anytime.

Even when the temptation seems overwhelming.

Ask for me at the station. My name's Benson, Constable Benson.

My name's Liddell.

Liddell.

Detective Sergeant Liddell.

Not a very good start to your reform

- no fantasies now. No policeman would behave so suspiciously.

What if he'd just drawn a few pounds to buy his wife a surprise present?

Huh, ingenious! You're a card.

I'm not, but this is.

Oh dear! But you looked such a criminal type.

Oh, don't be misled by appearances. I'm not. You look quite sensible.

Thank you.

Charming

DOG WHIMPERS

What's up, Sergeant?

How would you check the patrol was keeping an eye on things?

Keep an eye on the patrol.

Get cracking.

SCREAMING

Help! Stop! Look out, he's got a gun!

Stand back, Ursula. ^ Help! ^

Ursula, stand back! ^ Help! ^

Thir... thirteen!

Help! Stop!

You vicious swine!

Follow me.

Oh, you fool!

GUNSHOT

Alistair, you've killed him!

What do you think you're doing?

I heard a... I thought I heard...

What's going on here?

I thought I heard a murder, Sergeant

It was the radio.

RADIO: "That was from tonight's play. "

Do you want to make a complaint?

He was only doing what he thought right.

Thank you, miss.

Does it hurt?

Not at all, Sergeant.

Get back on the beat!

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, miss.

Thank you, miss.

LOUD CAR HORN

Want to cross the road, ma?

Very heavy load, yes.

I see. Well, never mind.

What? Wait.

You're all right with me.

My key? I ain't done nothing.

Now!

All right, it's all in a day's work.

There we are. That's all right.

You half-baked twit, you!

I'm trying.

I was trying to help you.

Help! What's going on?

Speak up, my battery's running out.

Not a second before time.

What happened, madam?

He forced me to over here, when I'd taken ten minutes to get over there.

All of a sudden, he grabbed me behind...

Ooh, I did not.

You lying old witch!

Don't interrupt!

Do you want to make a complaint?

It ain't? It's the gospel truth. He grabbed me behind...

Sergeant, I assure you I did not.

Well, she didn't want to be grabbed.

Get those crumbs off and get on patrol.

Yes, Sergeant. Remember

- helping old ladies should be left to boy scouts.

Don't sneer at Scouts, I was a Rover

Rove!

Police Station. Calmly and clearly, madam, please.

Miss Horton. You're speaking from?

33. Three, three, Nathaniel Road.

Intruder next door. Do you mean 31 or 35?

Three, five.

Telephone number? 4573.

We'll send a car immedi... What?

I've just seen a policeman outside.

Sergeant.

Nathaniel Road.

Calling car four, calling car four.

"Constable Potter investigating an intruder. 35, Nathaniel Road. "

Nathaniel Road. Right, Thurston, move

Psst! Mr and Mrs Barry. They're in Canada seeing their first grandchild

Their daughter Sally is with her fiance. The house should be empty.

I see.

Well, go and get him.

I'd sooner wait till he comes out.

Catch him in the act. The Barrys left the keys.

Back way, over the garden fence.

Supposing he's armed?

If I hear a shot, I'll ring the station. Ten-four!

What's happened? Nothing.

It's Eric. An accident.

Hello, I'm a police... officer.

Come on. Potter may be struggling for his life with a murderous tearaway.

If only Eric was as considerate as you are. What's your name?

Just call me Tom. Tell me about it.

We were talking about furniture. I want contemporary things, he doesn't

He said he wasn't going to have chairs like toadstools.

I said there wasn't much point in talking. He said he thought so, too.

Whereupon I said that suits me fine, threw his ring back and came back.

Oh, Tom, we haven't even got a flat.

It's just a little lovers' tiff.

Tiff? It's finished. I'm never going to see him again.

Of course you will. There, there. Now, listen, it's quite simple.

You're both tense about getting married, you can't wait for it.

What do you mean?

Well, I, er... You know.

Don't you see? At present, you're both a bundle of nerves.

Flying off the handle at anything. But believe me, once you're married.

We won't be married. It's finished.

Of course it isn't. You phone him, say you're sorry. Cry a little.

Now, wait.

Trust your Uncle Tom.

He'll come running, you'll see.

Oh, just imagine that moment, Sally. The bliss of the reunion.

How can any man resist your lovely innocent eyes, your...

Your yearning look. A man's heart must melt.

Come on. He's in danger!

Sally!

Oh, Tom!

Oh, hello, Sergeant. Nice of you to drop in. I don't need help with this

Run along and phone now, Sally.

Well, better get back on the beat, I s'pose.

Put it on!

Help! Help! Help!

I know you'll think I'm silly, but I've lost my pussy. The name's Fluff

I'm sorry, Miss Fluff.

That's the cat's name.

The cat's name? So sorry, silly me. When did you last see Fluff?

I was coming back from the vet.

The catch must have been loose and he jumped out.

In here, up there.

I see, madam. Just leave it to me.

I couldn't get up there, in this skirt. Do be careful!

Don't be alarmed, madam.

Fluff! Fluff! Fluff! Where's the naughty pussycat?

Fluff? Ah, there you are.

Oh, naughty ill-mannered pussy. Not to spit at Uncle Timothy. Now, stay there.

Oh, don't go up there!

Fluff! Come down! Oh, you naughty pussy. Where are you now? Fluff!

MIAOWS

Ah, there you are. Now, how am I going to get you down?

I know this will frighten you. Now!

BELLS RING

Help! Help! Help!

There's a good Fluff.

Help! Help!

Oh, my goodness!

Help!

Stop, stop! Oh, stop! Stop!

What is it, madam?

A policeman. He just shot to the top of the tower.

Was he wearing glasses?

Yes. Here we go.

Help!

HELP!

Reports? I've never seen anything like them in my life.

"I thought I heard a murder". I ask you! You ever smelt a burglary?

Yes, sir, when a scent store got broke into.

All right.

It smelt in the street.

"She looked as if she was thinking of crossing the road". Says who?

Might have been thinking of thicker knickers.

"I held the rope and flew like Peter Pan". Not Peter Pan's great aunt?

"She was in the bath. " Was this through the keyhole?

No, the door wasn't locked.

Have you got anything to say?

Yes, I want a transfer.

To Scotland Yard, I presume?

Yes, I joined to prevent crime, not to be assaulted by old women.

I feel my proper place is in the Photographic Records Department.

Not now, Benson. Use your loaf.

Please, don't mention loaves to me.

Benson, please.

It's fine for you. I was boshed...

Can I say a word at this juncture?

BOTH: Of course, sir.

We used to be fined for being late. Right?

Right.

We couldn't go to the door in or shirtsleeves. Right?

Right.

That's immaterial as long as you do your job properly.

Benson! I'll handle this.

I've been watching you, and you have a future.

Thank you, sir.

Selling lace table mats.

But as a policeman,...

.. I wouldn't send you to buy a bag of aniseed balls.

Stupid constable. Do I make myself clear?

Crystal. Pardon?

You are always explicit, sir.

Thank you.

But your misreading of my potential is sublime in its totality.

Get them out, Wilkins! Get them out

Right, sir. All right, dismissed.

Straighten yourselves out there!

Sergeant, huh! You stand like a dummy, unable to control this rabble.

You said you could handle them, sir.

The sooner you're transferred, the better for us all.

Don't you think we ought to have more patience with these youngsters?

When I joined my first station at Sidcup North...

Here we go again.

.. we weren't asked if we were greenhorns or old sweats.

I've seen lads sobbing their hearts out in the wash house.

I think that's what they were doing.

Sergeant Wilkins!

I'm sorry.

That inspector was a holy terror. I remember him saying...

Roll on my pension.

Going on patrol, Sergeant.

Right, Passworthy.

Why aren't you typing?

It hurts. Can I do something else?

I don't know. Can you?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Oh, you!

Yes, sir, you wanted a constable.

And look what I've got!

Shall I go?

Ye... No, I've got a complex report to write and my secretary's off.

Flu?

No, having a baby.

Makes a change.

It's her fourth.

Some of these girls - you've only got to sneeze!

Look, you're a distracting personality, Potter.

Sorry, sir.

You will be if you don't concentrate

Yes, sir.

What do I have to concentrate on?

I've finished with those, burn them.

Sir.

Potter! What?

Not those! You told me to, sir.

They're my consolidated notes. Oh, I'm on fire!

You're not. Lucky escape, though.

The carpet! Get water!

Stand clear!

Potter!

Morning, Officer.

Yes, sir?

Reporting.

What for?

For myself.

Why? The terms of my release.

From prison? How exciting, I've never met a criminal before.

Who are you calling a criminal?

Just a minute. Ah, bone structure, I can tell you're going straight.

There are signs.

You'd er... trust me?

With my life.

It's great to be trusted again. You could make all the difference to me.

I know, that's my entire purpose.

I want to help, not persecute and punish. Now if...

Exactly. Well, er... take my case.

My father's estate is worth �492,000

It's mine. Yet our solicitor has had it tied up in chancery for years.

Now, if I could only get hold of �50 for legal expenses,

I could make a case of it.

�50, that's all I need.

I've got that in the Post Office.

Earning 2.5%? If you lend it to me,

I could give you �5,000 when I win the case, that's 500%.

I'd be taking advantage of you.

Believe me, you're not. It's a deal?

Done.

You have been. Meet Herbert Hall, our craftiest confidence trickster.

I wouldn't have taken your money, but you're such a born mug.

It's written all over you. There are signs, you know, bone structure.

What a nerve! Trying a thing like that on me - a policeman.

You haven't got the taste of the chin strap yet.

There we are. That's a good job done

I feel like me cup of char now.

I'm sure, but you're not through yet

Eh?

Oh, no! All them hours bashing away and the carbon's the wrong way round

Well?

Thanks, Wilkie. Thank goodness Mills has gone off this afternoon.

What do you mean this afternoon? He's been off for months.

How's that Passworthy girl shaping?

She's shaped.

Weights and measures, road safety and a breach of the peace already.

When will she get Jack the Ripper?

Strange that the only efficient rookie's a woman.

Potter's on a job now that must go right.

The landed gentry are good with dogs.

Oh, heel, heel, heel! Good dog, good dog, good dog!

I'm frightfully sor... Sir!

Let me help you out. Ah!

I haven't had a cold for 23 years. Get Potter, I'm going to...

You'll only send your temperature up.

You're protecting these nincompoops from the consequences of their...

Why don't you take a few days' sick leave?

What would happen to this station?

I'd rather not say, sir.

Atchoo!

I will not let them out unless they're with someone compos mentis!

Even though we're understaffed, sir?

Those are my orders, Wilkins. You always want to argue.

What about Potter, has he got a...?

No, sir, not a sniff.

The injustice of it.

Look on the bright side.

You're always saying the constables couldn't even catch a cold.

Now you could say that to Potter and be right. For the first time!

Atchoo!

Morning, Constable.

Good morning, Sergeant Moon.

Let's not beat about the bush.

All right.

You're in love with Passworthy, yes or no?

Supposing I am, what's it to do with you?

I'm concerned with the efficiency of the force.

You in a daze, her wondering why

- that's two units of personnel at less than maximum efficiency.

The sooner you two get sorted out the better. Right?

Right.

Then do something about it.

I can't till I know if she's a Virgo

Pardon?

I stand my best chance of romantic happiness with a Virgo subject.

I have to know her birthday. It's vital, it's significant.

It's here. Eh?

Would you like me to look it up?

Passworthy, Gloria.

Gloria!

Date of birth. August 24th.

Virgo!

Ooh, Gloria!

TRAIN ENGINE

I'm so happy to be out on patrol with you.

Oh, do stop that. It's not good to be seen chortling on patrol.

Quite right. Must be more dignified.

Ho, ho!

What is the matter?

I can't help it, I'm happy.

I'm becoming an efficient unit of personnel. Oh, Gloria...

Constable, address me properly and... don't look at me like that.

Right, Policewoman Passworthy.

But listen to me. You've got to listen to me.

I'm happy and I want to make you happy too, my dear,... Policewoman.

I love you, Policewoman Passworthy. I'm crazy about you.

I couldn't tell you because of the stars, Policewoman, my sweetheart.

They say it's all right, Policewoman Passworthy.

Oh, do return my love, Policewoman Passworthy. Gloria, Virgo. Ooh!

Kindly get that vehicle off the road, madam.

Gorse, I've got an idea. I'm fed up with being cooped up like this.

We can't go out alone. Inspector's orders.

We'll show that inspector he couldn't inspect gas meters!

Absolutely splendid, but how?

Come on, out the back way.

We daren't.

Dare nothing, achieve nothing. You with me?

Yes, Benson. Come on, then.

Right.

This is where the trouble occurs?

We're so busy and so many assistants are away.

Ideal for shoplifting.

And for observation.

Leave this to us.

No-one will steal anything whilst two policemen are marching about.

I hadn't thought of that. Had you, Benson?

Yes, of course I have.

We shall require, sir, a little help from you.

Get out of the way.

I haven't done this since I was in the Army, at a camp concert.

This is no laughing matter, Gorse.

You mustn't call me that. Not on special duty.

Oh, yes, well, er... Agatha, then.

Thank you and I shall call you... Let me see.

Ethel. It was my grandma's name.

If Grandmama could see you now she'd be so proud.

Well, to work, to work.

Are you ready, Agatha?

If you are, Ethel.

Let's go.

Must you keep your glasses on?

Why? You don't look pretty enough.

You're no Brigitte Bardot either.

There's no need to shout.

And there's no need to make personal remarks.

I beg your pardon, Agatha.

Granted, I'm sure, Ethel.

Can I help you, ladies?

Young girl, we are not ladies, we are policemen.

Special investigation. Carry on working as usual.

The manager, quick. Gone out? Well, get anyone.

There are a couple of loonies here.

Pretend to look at these. Look at her - a criminal if ever I saw one.

Did you see that? Can I tell at a glance or can I not?

Let's apprehend her.

Wait. To make a shoplifting charge stick, the suspect must be outside.

Of course. Come on, then.

They're leaving.

Just a moment, madam.

Show us your girdle.

I beg your pardon?

Did you take a girdle from that store without paying?

Now, ladies, please.

Aha! The corpus delicti.

We're the police.

Prove it!

Ridiculous!

It's a dreadful mistake.

They all say that. Name?

I am the Lady Mayoress of this borough and I have an account here.

A likely... An account!

These are the two.

Now what's all the fuss?

There's been a mistake.

We call it stealing.

Cripes!

Stealing.

Fetch the police. Wait, we are the police.

Ask the manager.

He's gone out. Come quietly.

Our uniforms are in the ladies... changing room.

A likely story.

Gorse, run for it.

Wait a moment!

Pull yourself together.

Yes, Sergeant. Everything you've done is a mess.

Hello, Constable. Hello, Mrs May. Oh, good show.

All due to you, dear boy.

Are you listening?

Yes, Sergeant.

You could be on report.

Good morning.

Everything you've done has gone wrong

Yes, Sergeant. You've gotta watch it.

Hello!

Hello, Miss Barry. Eric, I presume.

I want to thank you.

Not at all!

We've got a flat.

We're buying furniture. Contemporary.

Only if you want it, Eric.

I want what you want.

In that case, name him Tom after me.

Well, almost everything you touch gets screwed up. Come on.

And there I was. 17 yobs in that pub there were.

All standing round there, watching, waiting.

So I took off my duty armlet,...

Yes, Sergeant.

I said "Right, I'm off duty now.

If you come outside, I'll take you on, one at a time. "

What happened?

They knocked my head off.

Never take your duty armlet off at the wrong...

That van shouldn't be there.

Obstruction?

Wages?

Look!

Can you drive? Rather!

After them!

Potter!

Did you get their number?

'Fraid not.

Paper! Paper! Wage thieves get �100,000.

You're all on report. Any comment?

Yes, sir. Not you.

If I had my way, I'd suspend the lot of you.

Unfortunately, it's got to come from higher up.

So I'll send you out today in pairs, so you can watch each other's step.

And my report goes in sharp at 3pm.

That's all, Sergeant.

Dismiss!

As for you, Sergeant Wilkins, I'm applying for your transfer.

Yes, sir. They're only beginners.

Still trying to protect them. Why? I want a straight answer this time.

I've been in the force a long time,

but I remember the bloomers I made when I was green.

What's that got to do with it?

Everything!

Sir.

What's the use?

We should forget the rule book sometimes,

particularly in an emergency.

And that, sir, is all.

And that, Sergeant, is quite enough. Now I'll get on with my report.

Sir!

And you!

It may never happen.

It has happened, I'm on my way.

Oh, I'll miss you. You're a very fine colleague.

Thanks, Laura.

You've never called me that before.

I have, hundreds of times.

You haven't.

You know something?

What? I'll miss you, too.

Really, Frank?

You've never called me that.

I've wanted to hundreds of times.

I didn't even know you thought I was alive.

In a couple of days, I'll be posted to some

dead-and-alive hole helping cows across the street.

It's a scandal - you being sacrificed for his incompetence.

Oh, I asked for it. I can't complain, I've had my say.

But, Frank...

How's the roster? Still trying to get a quart into a pint pot?

Something like that.

Maybe we can work something out together.

All right. Let's do that.

If we made a lot of arrests old Mills might change his mind.

What mind?

Oh, Benson, we've got to do something, I need this job.

Motorists - I bet we could bag a dozen!

That wouldn't help, Potter. We're for it, and that's that.

Benson! Benson, old man, the car!

The thieves' car? How do you know? Yesterday you couldn't describe it!

Dent on rear left mudguard. It's all come back.

Potter, this is a critical moment in our careers. Are you sure?

Positive!

Right!

They've just dumped it here.

Oh, they must be well away by now. Out of the country.

No, wait, that's exactly what they want us to believe.

The cunning bounders. What'll we do?

I've got it. I know exactly where those crooks are hiding out.

Where?

Here, in this very area.

They want us to put out a nationwide search, when all the time they're...

Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant. Brilliant. I have to hand it to you.

We're not handing it to anyone else. This is ours.

We need the kudos of capturing them.

Oh, if only we could.

You tell the station about the car. They'll have it towed to the yard.

I'll get Charlie and Gorse.

Police station. Yes, Potter. Right.

The car's in Church Road.

Sergeant, they've found the car.

Sir, they've found the car.

Take it away before they smother it with fingerprints.

Sergeant, I'm on my way.

Police station.

Right, now we can get cracking.

We can't. The omens are against us.

Shut up!

Gorse, have you thought of anywhere?

Yes. There's a street near here full of tatty lodging houses.

What's it called?

It's known locally as the street of a thousand mouseholes.

Follow me.

150 houses and not a sausage.

It's a wild-goose chase. The omens..

One more word...

You can't silence the voice of truth with empty threats.

This assignment was doomed from the start.

And now we're done. Done proper. Done crisp.

Look yonder. That house has been empty for years.

They're going to pull it down.

If it doesn't fall down first.

Gentlemen, look rather more closely. There!

It could be.

Somebody backed in to turn around.

We've got to check on it.

I'm game. Come on.

You and your mastermind. I told you we was crazy to hide here.

Tired of the stately home already?

Am I!

We'll be leaving in coppers' uniform

CLATTER

Ah!

Oh!

Sshh!

Yes, all right.

Really, do you have to? Ooh!

Beg pardon.

Help!

All right, boys, scrub the uniforms. Let's get out of here.

Come on.

I've got him! I've got him!

Hey, come back here. Come back!

You fool!

Ridiculous! The whole thing's absurd.

The turning point was when I found out your birthday was August 24th.

August? Whatever gave you that idea?

You... you mean that you're...?

Passworthy, switchboard.

Yes, Sergeant.

Sergeant, you told me August 24th.

Oh, well, does it make any difference? Surely you're not that superstitious?

Superstitious?

Me?

One moment. Connecting you now, sir.

PHONE

Hello!

Sh! Listen.

"Hello, Chief Constable. "

"Mills, you've certainly shown you can inspire recruits. "

Thank you, sir.

"I'm transferring you to the college in charge of morale and discipline. "

I don't know what to say, sir.

"Tell Sergeant Wilkins to take over"

Temporarily, sir, of course?

"No, he's being promoted at once. "

"He's just the man for the job. "

"Goodbye, Mills. "

Goodbye, sir, and thank you.

I want everybody in here immediately

All right, everybody, line up.

Atten-tion!

This station needs some discipline. Right turn! Quick march!

Harrison!

Potter!

Oh, yes, sir!