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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:04,538
It seems today
that all you see.
2
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:07,975
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV.
3
00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:11,512
But where are those
good old-fashioned values.
4
00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,382
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,785
Lucky there's a family guy.
6
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:21,389
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do.
7
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,057
All the things that make us.
8
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,725
Laugh and cry.
9
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:30,098
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:40,007
Morning, Peter.
Morning, Lois.
11
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,008
You using
the bathroom?
12
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,075
Yeah. Why?
13
00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,311
I was just curious.
14
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,213
Before you go, I wanna
ask you a question.
15
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,479
Is there something
on my elbow?
16
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,981
Me first, me first,
me first!
17
00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,688
Peter, I'm going
first.
18
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:55,589
Oh, no, you don't!
19
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,259
Move your ass, Peter!
You move yours!
20
00:00:58,326 --> 00:00:59,703
I made reservations
with the maitre d'.
21
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,195
Isn't that right,
Cornelius?
22
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,830
Lois Griffin,
poop for one.
23
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,165
I also need a poop.
24
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,499
Do you have
a reservation, sir?
25
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,135
Yeah, I called
a couple days ago.
26
00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:08,302
Who did you
speak to?
27
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:11,239
Dave... ald... Jeff
28
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:14,775
illiam... tonio?
29
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,020
Davaldjeffilliamtonio hasn't
worked here for four years.
30
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:20,381
Ah, the hell with you.
I'll use the other bathroom.
31
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,750
Somebody's in here.
32
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:25,619
Oh, excuse me.
33
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,355
Good morning.
34
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:30,057
Lois, since when does
an elephant live here?
35
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,893
He's an exchange student.
Don't you remember?
36
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,195
Oh, that's right.
37
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,629
Don't you feel foolish?
38
00:01:35,696 --> 00:01:37,331
Well, how long
does it usually take you?
39
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,466
I don't remember.
40
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,532
Oh, my God,
41
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,934
that is such
a bunch of crap.
42
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,371
I hope my son is having
a better time with your family.
43
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,706
Poachers!
44
00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,714
Joe, I need
to use your bathroom.
45
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:54,815
Sure, Peter.
46
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,119
What the hell?
47
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,054
How do you even?
48
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,923
Wha...? It...
49
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:04,692
I-I don't...
50
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,160
Wait. How do I...?
51
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,395
Uh, yeah,
that's gonna be
52
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:08,996
way too complicated
for ya.
53
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,331
How come there
are two toilets?
54
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:12,733
The other one's
for blood.
55
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,873
Cleveland's old house.
Perfect!
56
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,677
Damn, no toilet paper.
57
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,046
Hey, Joe, can I borrow this?
58
00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:27,581
Sure.
59
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,323
Peter, where
have you been?
60
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,758
Oh, let's just say
I've been
61
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,460
at Cleveland's empty house
taking a dump.
62
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:40,928
Ugh! That's disgusting!
63
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,031
I will be taking all of my
movements there from now on.
64
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,567
All of 'em!
Brrreeee-ha-ha!
65
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:51,339
Let's get loud,
let's get loud.
66
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,725
Turn the music up,
let's do it.
67
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,876
Come on, people,
let's get loud.
68
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,978
Let's get loud.
69
00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:01,982
Turn the music up,
don't you hear that sound?
70
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,251
Let's get loud.
71
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:09,557
Peter, your breakfast
is ready.
72
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,191
Hang on.
I'll be right back, Lois.
73
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,960
I'm just going
across the street.
74
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,904
Peter, you can't keep
using Cleveland's bathroom.
75
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,464
Oh, my God!
Yes, I can!
76
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,466
Cleveland's bathroom
is the greatest discovery
77
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,668
since fat women
discovered Diet Coke.
78
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,305
Now I can eat anything!
79
00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,411
Hey, hey, hey, no, no, no!
What are you doing?!
80
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,412
That's my bathroom!
81
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:32,489
What are you
talking about?
82
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,147
We just rented
this place.
83
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,585
Holy crap! Dan Aykroyd
and Chevy Chase!
84
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,553
What the hell are you guys
doing in Quahog?
85
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:42,022
Oh, we're just doing
research for a movie.
86
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,524
Oh, my God,
that's amazing!
87
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,925
Listen, I gotta tell you guys,
88
00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,127
I've watched all your movies,
like, a thousand times.
89
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:48,362
You saw Cops
and Robbersons?
90
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,897
And My Stepmother
Is An Alien?
91
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:53,066
Almost all of 'em. Boy, I sure
would love it if you guys would come
92
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,244
to our house
for dinner tonight.
93
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:55,269
My wife's cooking sucks,
94
00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:56,804
but I just want
to look at ya.
95
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,439
You like meat loaf?
Uh, yeah, sure.
96
00:03:58,506 --> 00:03:59,973
All right,
see you at 8:00.
97
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,075
Oh, man I can't believe
I'm gonna have dinner
98
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:03,444
with two
of the three amigos.
99
00:04:03,511 --> 00:04:05,145
This is gonna be way better
100
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:07,748
than when we had that Victorian
girl ghost over for dinner.
101
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,251
My governess drowned me
in a well.
102
00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:14,322
You are a horrible
dinner guest.
103
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:20,528
Can you believe it?
104
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,530
We're eating with two
of the three ghostbusters.
105
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,064
Actually,
I wasn't in that.
106
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:26,367
Look at these guys, they
can't take a compliment.
107
00:04:26,434 --> 00:04:27,935
You know, you guys are funny,
108
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,170
but, uh, I got
a confession to make.
109
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:31,772
I'm a pretty funny guy myself.
110
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,542
Maybe I say a few things here,
maybe I get a few laughs.
111
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,710
Maybe you guys put me
in one of your pictures.
112
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,313
Uh, well, uh, yeah,
I suppose it's possible.
113
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,248
Yeah, we got all kinds
of roles available.
114
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,249
Speaking roles,
background roles.
115
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,617
Background would be
good for you.
116
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,128
Ooh, yeah. Speaking
role or background role.
117
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:46,019
Either one
would be good.
118
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,755
You know, I'm really
good at sight gags.
119
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:50,391
Oh, I didn't mean
to do that.
120
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,426
Now it's everywhere!
121
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:54,027
That's comedy.
122
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,541
Peter, what the hell is wrong
with you? That's not funny.
123
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,999
Oh, well, interesting
opinion, Lois.
124
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,369
Gee, I wonder if there's
anyone else at this table
125
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,470
who's maybe
more qualified
126
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,871
to say what's funny
than you are?
127
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,206
Well, we'd need to see
a little bit more,
128
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,175
but, uh...
Is that the time?
129
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:10,344
I can't believe that's
the time. It's late.
130
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,580
I don't understand.
You're not wearing a watch.
131
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,948
You see, that's sort
of a joke, Peter.
132
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,284
Oh. Well, that's
not that funny.
133
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:18,986
It's kind of funny,
you know.
134
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:19,820
No, it's not funny.
135
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,455
See, if you had said
something like,
136
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:22,756
"Oh, it's half past
a freckle."
137
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:27,160
Oh, you know, I'm thinking
of the three of you.
138
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,829
I'm-I'm thinking this guy...
139
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,531
Let me show you
something that's funny.
140
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,165
Okay, here's an impression
of John Wayne
141
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,534
on the first Thanksgiving.
142
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,835
I'm John Wayne
143
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:37,505
at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
144
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,040
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
145
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:42,910
Where's this guy been?
146
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:44,878
Well, Mr. Griffin,
this has been a lot of fun.
147
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,615
A lot of fun. But we gotta
get back over to our place.
148
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,217
Mm-hmm. And, uh, kinda do,
uh... what do we have to do?
149
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,552
Roll some joints
and get high.
150
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,120
Yeah, we gotta do
those things.
151
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,054
That's not funny.
152
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:56,123
Drugs aren't funny.
They ruin lives.
153
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,224
Amen.
154
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,259
No, Peter,
you're not funny.
155
00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:01,104
I'm afraid Dan's right.
You're not funny at all.
156
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,329
I don't get it.
157
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:03,731
You're painfully unfunny.
158
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:06,867
Get the
out of my house!
159
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,205
Hey, Stewie, can I
talk to you for a sec?
160
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:13,273
Look, Brian,
I've colored.
161
00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:14,775
Sebastian the
crab blue.
162
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:17,044
If that isn't a middle
finger to society,
163
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,646
I don't know
what is.
164
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,347
Ew, I don't
like it anymore.
165
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,450
I wish I had
colored him red.
166
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,051
Do you think
it's a little odd
167
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,787
that Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd
have moved into Quahog together?
168
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,422
I mean...
why here, why now?
169
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,523
I don't know.
170
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,191
Maybe we go over
there and find out.
171
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,392
Maybe we do.
172
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,761
Hey. Hi, there.
173
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:37,598
Uh, can you guys tell Meg
I'm seeing someone?
174
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,868
You see anything?
175
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,436
Doesn't look like
anybody's home.
176
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:48,842
Won't you gentleman
have a Pepsi?
177
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,086
What do we do?
178
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:02,890
"Won't you gentleman
have a Pepsi?"
179
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:14,668
Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
180
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,604
Yell, yell, yell,
yell, yell, yell.
181
00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:25,813
What the...?
182
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,648
What the hell
is this place?
183
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,149
Welcome to D.U.M.P...
184
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,552
Deep Underground Military
Protection Facility.
185
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:32,886
Wouldn't that
be D.U.M.P.F.?
186
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,788
The "F" is silent,
like in "knife."
187
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,090
We're actually working
for the federal government
188
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,325
and we need your help.
189
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:39,993
Do you want to be
spies like us?
190
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,461
Can we be
spies like them?
191
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:44,231
We've actually resolved
our differences.
192
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,072
Wait a minute,
I don't understand.
193
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,141
What do you mean you guys
work for the government?
194
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,843
Well, Brian,
it turns out Spies Like Us
195
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,911
was Ronald Reagan's
favorite movie.
196
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,780
So he actually appointed us
honorary spies
197
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,348
back in the '80s.
198
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:02,959
That still doesn't explain
what you're doing here.
199
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,818
You see, Brian,
during the Cold War
200
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:07,387
the Soviet Union brainwashed
dozens of American civilians,
201
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:08,765
effectively making them
sleeper agents
202
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,457
who could be activated
at any time
203
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,125
to do the work of the KGB.
204
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:12,960
Activated how?
205
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,662
The agents could be activated
206
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,263
by uttering
a predetermined phrase.
207
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,231
At which point,
they would snap into a trance
208
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:20,534
and mindlessly carry out
whatever orders they were given
209
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,102
by their KGB handlers.
210
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,171
Well, I mean, what if
they encountered somebody
211
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,381
who said the phrase
accidentally?
212
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,406
Not possible.
213
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,784
The activation phrase
was something
214
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:30,010
that no one would ever
think to utter. What is it?
215
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:33,246
The phrase is, "Gosh, that
Italian family at the next table
216
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,782
sure is quiet."
217
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,016
You see,
the U.S. government
218
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,561
believes that one of these
sleeper agents
219
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,719
is right here in Quahog.
220
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:41,254
Now you two...
individuals live here.
221
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,556
Are there any local residents
222
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:43,833
whom you've seen
acting strangely?
223
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,234
Well, there's a pedophile
up the street
224
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,027
that nobody seems to be
doing anything about,
225
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,696
but it's mainly because
he's so funny.
226
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:51,131
Well, look, we'd be happy
to help in any way we can.
227
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,838
Hey, is Ron Howard's
weird-looking brother
228
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,534
one of these lab
technicians?
229
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,303
Of course he is.
It's an '80s movie.
230
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,872
Hey, there's something
on the screen.
231
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,977
And those two bums
turned to me
232
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,545
and said, "You're
not funny, Peter."
233
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,347
In my own house.
Well, what was the bit?
234
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,082
Okay, ready?
235
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,720
I'm John Wayne at the first
Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
236
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:15,222
Happy Thanksgiving,
pilgrims.
237
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,826
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
238
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,327
Oh, my God,
Peter, I'll tell ya...
239
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,663
And I'm your friend
and I'll be honest with you...
240
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:23,997
That's funny;
That is funny.
241
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,734
You know what I appreciate
about your joke, Peter?
242
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,669
It's clean... it's clean funny.
243
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,003
I just wish there was some way
244
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,510
I could show them
how wrong they are.
245
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:33,416
Show 'em that we know comedy
better than they do.
246
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,808
Hey, I got an idea.
247
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:37,144
What's the most consistently
funny form of comedy
248
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,312
in existence?
249
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,781
Improv?
Improv!
250
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,449
Improv.
Improv.
251
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,316
Improv.
252
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:44,718
Improv!
253
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,654
We'll start our
own improv group
254
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,689
and put on a show.
All right!
255
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,261
Thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Mayor West.
256
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:55,896
No problem, gentlemen.
257
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,298
May I call you gentlemen?
Yeah.
258
00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:01,902
Now you say this spy is
located somewhere in Quahog?
259
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,880
That's right. We need you
to set up some roadblocks
260
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,172
to help us contain him.
261
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,506
Do you have any clues
262
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,475
regarding the identity
of the spy?
263
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,810
It's a little tricky, sir.
264
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,420
See, the operative is
completely unaware
265
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,612
that he's been programmed.
266
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,014
And the only way
to activate him
267
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,316
and discover his identity
is by saying the phrase,
268
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:19,687
"Gosh, that Italian family at
the next table sure is quiet."
269
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:25,524
It's him!
270
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:48,315
I haven't been this...
271
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:50,150
since I...
272
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:54,722
I-I don't...
273
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:57,290
I don't really know
what I'm supposed to be doing.
274
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,359
Uh, but...
275
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,862
Oh, there's track star
Wilma Rudolph.
276
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,864
Obviously she had something
to do with the gag,
277
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,333
but I didn't hear
the setup,
278
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,802
so I don't really know
the context.
279
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,871
Hey, I wonder what
Peter's up to?
280
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,509
Okay, so we gotta come up with
a name for our improv group.
281
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,576
Anybody got anything?
282
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:20,547
How about
"The Joke Ridge Boys"?
283
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:21,715
Eh. Not bad.
284
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,416
Wait, how about
"Funny Side Up"?
285
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,685
No, no, no, guys, guys,
we've got the name.
286
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,989
It's "Impravda:
The Truth is Ad-libbed."
287
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,658
What about
"Deliveries in Rear"?
288
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:33,360
Oh, yes!
289
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:36,129
No, no, you can't just jam
jokes in for no reason.
290
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,165
It has to be organic
to the situation.
291
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,431
What the hell you being
so friggin' comedy Hitler about?
292
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,936
I was in three improv groups
in college, Peter.
293
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:45,405
I was in "Improvidence,"
I was in the "Wackadamia Nuts"
294
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:46,907
and I know I'm dating
myself here,
295
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,208
but "Three Smile Island."
296
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:49,442
My point being
297
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:51,549
that I am the only experienced
member of this group.
298
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,214
I can already tell
this is not going to be fun.
299
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,427
How do we know
where to start looking?
300
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,438
The tracking beacon I shot
into Mayor West's ankle
301
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,597
will allow us
to locate him.
302
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,737
Wow, those are
the Russian people?
303
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:21,909
I mean, granted, you do
think of bears on unicycles
304
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,476
when you think of
the Russian people,
305
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,745
but they're all bears
on unicycles?
306
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:26,890
Bears on unicycles,
every one.
307
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:28,415
So what do
we do now?
308
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,526
We're undercover U.S. agents
in a hostile foreign territory.
309
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,585
We've just gotta make sure
we don't do anything
310
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:33,787
that makes us stick out.
311
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,489
Hey! They're not
bears on unicycles!
312
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,659
You are under arrest.
313
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,228
Oop.
Time to lose this costume.
314
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,032
'Cause we're in Russia!
315
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:58,411
Here are the American spies
we captured, Mr. Prime Minister.
316
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,832
Well, he was "Putin"
us on, huh?
317
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,167
Right?
318
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:21,601
What do you think of that?
319
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:22,802
Chevy, right?
320
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,110
That would have
passed for funny
321
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,605
in one of your
movies, right?
322
00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,007
Okay, movin' on.
323
00:13:27,074 --> 00:13:29,242
Gentlemen, let me put
your minds at ease.
324
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,545
I know why you are here,
and I mean to help you.
325
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,682
Well, terrific.
326
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:39,319
The truth is, the reactivation
of a Cold War sleeper spy
327
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:41,554
would be an embarrassment
to my government.
328
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,256
On the scale of our 1981
329
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,658
failed Czechoslovakian
occupation outpost
330
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:48,128
which was penetrated
by Bill Murray, Harold Ramis
331
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:50,263
and their ragtag band
of misfit soldiers
332
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,932
who didn't even graduate.
333
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,700
They slept through
the graduation ceremony
334
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,136
and somehow managed
to come out of the manhole
335
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,071
wearing clean pressed
suit, as you say.
336
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,007
So the long and
the veiny of it is
337
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:01,313
you're gonna help
us out, right?
338
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,210
I will provide you
with transportation,
339
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,345
passports, food, supplies,
340
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,580
everything from
A to backwards R.
341
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:10,250
Wow, thank you so much
for your help, Mr. Putin.
342
00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,385
Would you like to see
Russian cutaway gag?
343
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,955
Yeah, sure.
Here is Russian cutaway gag.
344
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,637
Where the hell
is Quagmire?
345
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,504
I don't know.
346
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,116
He said improv rehearsal
at 7:00, right?
347
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:34,241
Yeah, where is Quagmire?
348
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,508
I haven't
seen him all day.
349
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,376
Oh, you know what?
350
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,145
I think he went
down to the bank.
351
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,846
What was that?
What'd you hit me for?
352
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,153
I'm passing
the story on to you.
353
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,525
Keep it going,
keep the story going.
354
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,027
Huh? What's Quagmire
doing at the bank?
355
00:14:44,051 --> 00:14:45,094
It's improv, Peter.
You don't think,
356
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,195
you don't think,
you don't think.
357
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,396
You just keep talking.
You don't think.
358
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:48,597
Don't think, don't think.
What comes to mind?
359
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,033
Talk, talk, talk,
talk, talk! Oh, I get it!
360
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,591
Tap me, Quagmire,
tap me!
361
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,760
Quagmire went to the
bank to donate sperm,
362
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:54,826
because it's
a sperm bank.
363
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,196
Yes! There you go.
364
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:57,740
He's moving it forward,
he's moving it forward.
365
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,432
See, Peter?
Now tap Peter.
366
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,201
Hey, pilgrims.
367
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:03,736
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
368
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,138
It's me, John Wayne.
369
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,606
Oh, no.
All right, you know what?
370
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:07,607
You're not loosened up yet.
371
00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:09,542
All right, I-let's do
some warm-up exercises.
372
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,611
Okay, this is one we call
"Going Bananas."
373
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:12,612
Okay.
374
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,582
I'm a banana,
I'm a banana.
375
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,551
Peel the banana,
peel the banana.
376
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:21,989
Now go bananas,
go, go bananas.
377
00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:26,093
Whoa! Come on, you guys,
do it with me!
378
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,627
Go bananas! Yeah!
379
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,163
Wah...!
380
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,764
Whole body, Joe,
whole body!
381
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,834
Come on, go bananas!
382
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,569
Am I doing it?!
Am I doing it?!
383
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,138
The matter
with you guys?
384
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,482
All right,
let's try something else.
385
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:42,309
Okay, this is a warm-up exercise
called "One Word Story."
386
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,544
Now, I start a story
with one word
387
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,147
and then you each continue
with one word at a time.
388
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:48,315
Okay, ready?
Yeah, yeah.
389
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,816
I'm into this now.
Okay.
390
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:50,817
The.
391
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:51,818
Dog.
392
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:52,819
And.
393
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:53,820
My.
394
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:54,821
Mom.
395
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:55,887
And.
396
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:56,856
This.
397
00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:57,857
Handkerchief.
398
00:15:57,924 --> 00:15:58,992
And.
399
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,627
Twenty.
Birds.
400
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:01,861
And.
Peter!
401
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:03,030
Geez!
And.
402
00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,197
Peter, hang on a sec.
403
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:05,165
You're not
contributing.
404
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,232
I'm doing it.
405
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:07,534
You're not
adding information.
406
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,045
Well, one of you guys
says "Thanksgiving,"
407
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,670
I got a good idea
where to go with it.
408
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,939
Okay, Peter, let's try
something different.
409
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,774
Okay, close your eyes.
410
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:17,177
What's the first
thing you see? Uh...
411
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:19,212
Don't think, just say
it. First thing. Pelican.
412
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:20,279
Okay, what's he doing?
413
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,748
He's complaining about
414
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,949
some undercooked food.
415
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:23,950
Who's he complaining to?
416
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,718
A snooty French waiter.
417
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:27,887
Who's really mean
to his customers.
418
00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:30,257
But then when he goes home,
his own life's sad,
419
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,025
'cause his girlfriend's
mean to him
420
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,826
and his apartment
isn't so very nice.
421
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:35,828
And he's always
running out of paper towels.
422
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:40,300
I saw it.
423
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,701
I seen it, Quagmire.
424
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,570
I was there, in the apartment.
425
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,238
We're ready.
426
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,210
If these signatures
are correct,
427
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:52,712
Mayor West is located one-third
of a kilometer that way.
428
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:53,980
Just over this rise.
429
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:55,215
Yeah, that's what
you told us
430
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,184
a third of a kilometer ago,
you douche.
431
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:58,527
Perhaps you'd like
to do something
432
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,987
besides criticizing me
and quoting my movies.
433
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:03,656
You just
watch your mouth, mister.
434
00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:05,625
Look!
435
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,010
Anyway,
I'd be happy to help you
436
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,045
conduct a search
of Quahog and find...
437
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,046
What the hell?
438
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,448
Where am I?
439
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:31,218
I didn't just bite into
a York Peppermint Patty, did I?
440
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,585
Mayor West,
you're in Russia.
441
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,154
You've just launched
a nuclear missile
442
00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,355
against the United States.
443
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,590
Well, this day
has taken a bad turn.
444
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,559
Like Mike Brady's
first marriage.
445
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:41,528
Here's your
beer, honey.
446
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:47,066
Huh. I don't remember
asking for a warm beer.
447
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:48,568
Well, I didn't want
to quit working!
448
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:49,436
You made me!
449
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,804
You don't talk to me
that way!
450
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,776
Alice, what did you see?
451
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,678
Enough to know I'm
getting a raise.
452
00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,389
What the...?
453
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,458
Oh, man, we're supposed
to do a show tonight.
454
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,825
Where's the audience?
455
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,127
I don't see them anywhere.
456
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,514
If only they could
make some noise
457
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:16,896
to let me know they're here.
458
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:17,897
We're here!
459
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:19,098
Oh, there you are!
460
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,233
Oh, thank God.
461
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,660
Well, we're
"Room For Improv-ment."
462
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,770
So, without further ado,
I need a place.
463
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,071
Your ass!
464
00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,173
Okay, come on now.
465
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,239
Something serious.
466
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,408
Your mom's ass!
467
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:30,109
Hey, let's get that guy
out of here, huh?
468
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:31,378
Okay, a real place.
469
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,480
Goldman's Pharmacy
on Third and Maple.
470
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,747
Give him the hours.
471
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:35,982
8:00 a.m. to...
472
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,526
Okay, I heard "pharmacy."
Who's in the pharmacy?
473
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,018
John Wayne.
474
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:41,029
What the... Peter, you're not
supposed to be in the audience!
475
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,623
Get the hell up on stage!
476
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:44,557
All right.
477
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,068
Hey, there, sir,
welcome to my pharmacy.
478
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:47,327
Can I help you?
479
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:49,562
Here's John Wayne at
the first Thanksgiving.
480
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,199
Happy Thanksgiving, pilgrims.
481
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,635
Ah, you like that?
482
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:58,271
Okay, here's John Wayne Bobbitt
at the first Thanksgiving:
483
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,040
Where's my penis,
pilgrims?
484
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,912
And here's John Wayne Gacy
at the first Thanksgiving.
485
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:10,049
I want to dress up like a clown
and have sex with children
486
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,818
and kill them, pilgrims.
487
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,189
Guys, I got to split.
488
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,625
I took a wet duke.
489
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:19,926
And.
490
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,238
Okay, this is not something that
should ever have been attempted.
491
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,806
Thank you very much.
Good night, everybody.
492
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,398
Improv!
493
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,482
I wish there was some way
I could have prevented this.
494
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:43,829
It wasn't your
fault, Mayor West.
495
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,218
There's nothing
you could've done.
496
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,254
To be honest,
I don't remember a thing.
497
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,588
Except how much I love
498
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,523
the Michael Jackson
"Thriller" video.
499
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,925
Boy, could that guy dance!
500
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,193
"Guy dance?"
501
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:55,362
Guidance.
502
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,029
Source programmable guidance.
503
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,299
We can reprogram and disarm
the missile from here!
504
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,367
From here?!
Well, our arms
505
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,001
would have to be
40 feet long, Dan.
506
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,212
No, yutz, not from
right here.
507
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:04,604
We go over there
and do it.
508
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:05,405
Oh, right.
509
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:06,906
Oh, come on, Chevy.
510
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:09,175
You should've known
what he was talking about.
511
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,777
All I have to do is bypass
512
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,645
the primary navigational
guidance circuits,
513
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,947
deprogram the hardwired
safety overrides
514
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,892
and reconfigure the motherboard
so that the missile's
515
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,185
primary central processing unit
tells itself
516
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,354
to eject its own warhead
while still
517
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:23,122
safely above
the Earth's atmosphere.
518
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:24,891
Hey, Dan,
when this is all over,
519
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,727
you may get a call asking you
to evaluate my performance.
520
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:30,096
Can I count on you
to give me a ten?
521
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,698
And that should do it.
522
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,177
You did it, Dan!
523
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,413
My God, you did it!
524
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,018
Mission accomplished,
gentlemen.
525
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,654
Warhead has been destroyed,
we've saved millions of lives.
526
00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,323
Let's just hope the
fuselage doesn't fall
527
00:20:56,389 --> 00:20:57,890
where it can cause
too much damage.
528
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:05,765
No, no, no, no, no, no!
529
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:09,869
I-I don't get it.
530
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,244
So what's the
deal with Chris?
531
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:20,212
Is he actually, like,
still in Africa?
532
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,280
No, no, he's not.
533
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:23,282
So that was all,
that was just a bit.
534
00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:24,917
Yeah, he'll be back
next week. Great.
535
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:27,354
Boy, who would've thought all
this trouble could be caused
536
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:28,821
by simply uttering
the phrase:
537
00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:31,991
"Gosh, that Italian family at
the next table sure is quiet."
538
00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:47,474
Shut up, 2476.38614
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