All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S04E02.Stiff.Upper.Lip.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

(theme music playing)

Ooh, did you sign Bryana's
permission slip to the Autry
National Center?

Baby, you know, I always
dedicate all my time

for the kids, every day.

Can we go ride our bikes?

Do I have
to get up?

No.

All right, well,
stay on the sidewalk.

Uh, don't forget your helmets.

Yeah, don't
forget your helmets.

America,
when I was growing up,

I didn't have a helmet
and you didn't either.

And look at us. We're fine.

I'll tell you
when they need a helmet--

when they get on
your doggone nerves.

"Uncle Bernie, give me..."

"Uncle Bernie, can I get..."

"Uncle Bernie, can I have..."

Boy...

(music playing)

(funk music playing)

♪ Get up ♪

(bell ringing)
♪ Get down ♪

♪ Get up ♪
(chuckling)

♪ Get down ♪

This is what
I'm talking about, America!

The girl eight years old.

She riding
with training wheels.

When I was eight years old,
America,

I was putting food on the table
'cause I was able.

Man, I just hope
the neighbors didn't see it.

This is our future.

You all keep patronizing
these little things here.

They going to run the world.

We're doomed.

She's afraid.

Of what? You got the girl
already wearing a helmet,

mosquito repellent,

sunscreen,
kneepads.

You got the girl so sheltered,

when it comes time for her
to go out in the real world,

she ain't going
to be able to handle it.

And that ain't good, baby.

She's only eight years old.

Wanda,
she's eight years old.

She's had time.

When I was eight years old,
I was working two jobs.

Doing what?

Bootlegging and
running the numbers.

Why are
you lying?

First of all,
it ain't about me.

It's about you
babying Baby Girl.
That's the lie.

You got the girl so
overprotected and so
she already

got it figured she's going
to be a child her whole life.

You already got her
thinking she's going
to live in the basement

at 35 years of age.
And I'm telling you
right now, baby,

it ain't going to happen.

So you're going to prevent
all of that

by taking off
her training wheels?

It's a start.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

I'm afraid,
Uncle Bernie.

Don't be afraid,
sweetheart.

I got you.
I won't let go.

You promise?
I promise.

Look, this is your
Uncle Bernie, okay?

Come on.
You can do it.

Come on.
Steady, steady.

Steady,
steady, steady.

Come on, come on.
Come on, baby.

Don't let go!
I won't.
You got it!

You got it! Yeah!

(crashing)

(car alarm wailing)

Baby Girl!

BERNIE: Come on, baby...

Oh, Lord.

Oh, let me see you.

Oh, come here.

Give your
Aunt Wanda a hug.

Oh, how
are you doing?

(mumbling)

Oh...

WANDA: Come here.

Why did she have
to look at me like that?

And don't you look at me
like that either, America.

I told Baby Girl
I would be with her

the whole time and I was.

I was with her when she fell.

I was with her
in the emergency room.

I'm with her right now...

to mash up the food
like the doctor said.

This should do
it right here.

Mm... yummy.

Okay, sweetheart,
here you go.

I got your
favorite, baby.

Spaghetti
and meatballs,

and your own
crazy straw.

(groans)

(mumbling)

What was that?

She said,
"Why'd you let go?"

How do you understand her?

She's my sister.

Sweetie, would you
like your uncle

to blend up
something else?

(mumbles)
No.

Okay, yeah, we got that.

And sweetie, try not
to talk with a broken jaw.

Hairline fracture.
That's what the doctor said.

One out of a million chances
of that happening like that.

She was wearing
that doggone helmet.

The doctor said that
might have made it worse.

No, he didn't.

Well, you ain't
no jaw doctor.

You ain't
no jaw doctor.

(indistinct chatter over PA)

(down-tempo music playing)

(saw buzzing)

(mumbling)

Okay, okay, okay,
just sit tight.

Slow down, Baby Girl, okay?

(muffled, angry)

What?

(muffled)
Is it something at school?

Your homework?

Lunch time?

What?

(muffled)

Okay, okay, Baby Girl.

Just sit tight
till we see Nessa, okay?

Just sit tight, all right?

All right.

(complaining, muffled)
I know, I know.

I hear you, I hear you,
I hear you.

Would you please, Baby...

Nessa! Nessa!

What?

Nessa, come here
right quick.

She been mumbling like this
all the way home.

Come here,
come tell me

what the heck
she's talking about.

(urgent mumbling)

What's she saying?

She says she can't go
on her school field trip

because her
jaw is broken.

Hairline fracture.

(scolding, muffled)

What else? What else
she talking about?
(door slams)

Um, she says that
it's all your fault
and she hates you.

And the only way
she's ever going

to forgive you
is if you get me

a nice leather jacket.

Oh, stop it.

You trying to profit
from your sister's pain.

You scandalous.

It's not as bad as breaking
a little girl's jaw.

(music playing)

Hairline fracture.

Freak accident.

I'm not responsible.

But I'll tell you one thing,

I'd like to break her jaw.

DCFL-- they're
going to be back.

Mr. Cooley's going to be back.
You watch what it takes.

I'm going to catch a case.

Mr. Cooley! Mr. Cooley!

She was fine last week.
Then what happened?

What happened, Mr. Mac,
her jaw is broken.

No, it's not.
She can still walk.

Look, for the time being,
Bryana is a special
needs student,

and we cannot assume the risk
of taking such a student

off campus without
a special needs chaperone.

Our insurance
won't cover it.

Well, get a chaperone.

We rely on parent
volunteers, you see?

These are
all parents.

Mr. Mac, if you would like
to volunteer as a chaperone,

I know Bryana would enjoy
the museum just as much
as the other children.

If you would volunteer
as a chaperone.

Mr. Mac?
Huh?

I was looking at the lovely
houses over there.

How long they been
built over there?
Lovely. I don't know.

Uh, Mr. Mac, the children
are the important thing
here at Wellington,

and if you would like to
volunteer to be a part of this

wonderful and educational
field trip to the museum,

why, I know Bryana
would enjoy it, as would
the rest of the children.

I never knew those homes
were over there.

Nice talking to you,
Miss Lefko.

Good to see you, Mr. Mac.
Okay.

Guess who's going to the
Autry National Center, America?

That's right-- Bernie Mac.
And you know what?

Next year, Baby Girl
going to public school.

They don't go nowhere.
They ain't even got books.

Now that's my kind of school.

Field trips for them is finding
a water fountain that works.

(chuckles) That's real.
That's struggle.

That's strength.

Now, who here wants to help
fight the war against terrorism?

KIDS: I do! Me! Me!

Good. Because, every year,

the President's
Council on Fitness

asks America's gym teachers
to make sure

this country's children
are fit and fighting ready.

Now, today, the President
of the United States

asked you to do 100 sit-ups,

100 pushups, 100...

Jordan, what happened
to your arm?

Oh, it's just a little break,

but I still want
to fight terror.

I'm sorry, Jordan.
I can't let you participate.

Oh, but isn't there
something I could do?

(winces) Ah, it's just
a little tender, though.

I'm sorry, Jordan.
Well, maybe I can help you.

You know, carry your clipboard,
keep track of the other kids?

That's a great idea.

You can help me make sure
that no one here

disappoints our president.

Can I use your whistle?

Good morning, Mr. Mac.
Hey. Come on, Baby Girl.

I've brought Bryana and your
other special needs kids.

Wait a minute-- my other kids?

Yes, this is Brooke

and Henry and Christopher
and Yogan.

Oh, here-- and
here's your T-shirts,

so we all know
we're together,

and here is your name tag.
You're official.

Thanks so much
for volunteering.

Are we gonna have
fun today, kids?

(cheering)

Now, if you need anything,
just ask Mr. Mac.

Thanks so much again.
See everybody there.

Now, how the school think
they can't be responsible
for the kids, but I can?

I ain't got no insurance,
America.

You see what they doing?

They taking advantage.

Of my good heart.

(birds chirping)

Let me see that note.

Okay, let me see
if I can understand

what's going on here.
How you doing, ma'am?

Do you have anything
that don't have something, uh...

that contains hydronetic fat,
nut oils, whey powder--

what that say-- corn syrup

or pork?

Those troughs.

Oh, you real funny, ma'am,
real funny.

Come on, sweetheart.

Sweetheart, why your mother
didn't pack you a lunch?

She did.

A gluten-free muffin
with apple butter,

which I can't eat.
Why not?

Apples have pectin,
which I'm allergic to.

She gets confused
sometimes.

It's a lot to remember.
Where is Henry?

(speaking French)

What?

(mumbling)

Sit down.

Doggone it.
Everybody stay right here.

Put the brake on that.

(whistle blowing)
That was 30.

Not by my count.

What?!
Your form was awful.

I mean, your arms
were shaking,

your elbows were out,

and your butt
was so high in the air...

I tell you what.

I'll give you
credit for six.

Six? But I...
(blows whistle)

Drop down and give me 20!

Any more talking,
and that'll be ten more for you.

(music playing)

Can we go
to the gift shop?

We just left the gift shop.

Really?
Really.

Listen, we're here to learn
about the West,

and that's what we're going
to do, all right?

I'm allergic to horses.

Sweetheart, listen,
it's just pictures.

You allergic
to pictures, too?

Can we go to the gift shop?

Would you stop asking me

about that doggone
gift shop, son?

I've got to go
to the bathroom.
What?!

Oh, you ain't got no special bag
or nothing on you, do you?

Look at that line.

Sir?
Yes, ma'am.

The special bathroom
is downstairs.

You've got to be kidding.

Oh... thank you.

Okay. All right.

Come on, let's go.

(speaking gibberish)

Thank you, Lord.

Whoo! Just one break.

That's all I wanted, America.

I'm telling you, these kids
are special after all.

Got a special elevator.

Maybe I'll take one of 'em
to the game with me.

Where you going?

You can't ride
a horse, kid.

Hey, look who's
on the field trip:

kids from some
special school.

(mumbling)

That's right, Baby Girl,
you tell 'em.

Oh, look, Robot Face
hasn't learned how to talk.

I think it's time for you kids
to leave, okay?

Nice one.

Look here, look,
turn around here.

Turn around.
What's wrong with you kids?

Baby Girl the only one
speaking for you,

and she can't hardly talk.

She'll get used to it,
because they never stop.

No, they never stop
if you let 'em

just say anything
they want to say to you.

You kids got to stop
being so soft.

(crying)
Oh, my God.

Boy, don't start no crying
around here.

I am... not soft.

Well, what am I supposed to do?
Stop petting him.

Christopher?

What's going on?

He's teasing me.

Teasing? America, you saw.

Did I? I, in no way... I...

I swear to God.

And I didn't break
her jaw, either.

It's a hairline fracture.

She was riding,
and I had the seat.

Her big ass just took off.

I'm not saying it's good
the boy was crying,

but I am saying he needs to step
up a little bit, be a man.

Mr. Mac, we have a policy
at this school.

Okay.
Before any child speaks,

Uh-huh.
they must ask
themselves,

"Is what I am
about to say true...
Mm-hmm.

...kind and necessary?"

and if it doesn't meet
those criteria, Mr. Mac,

they shouldn't speak.

Ms. Lefko, I ain't
no damn child.

Well, no one is too
old to learn.

Look, what I told
the boy was true.

He just can't keep
letting these kids
run over him.

The real world ain't
like Wellington.

Okay? Come on, now.

Mr. Mac, maybe, maybe,
just maybe Wellington

can change the world.

Oh, yeah, right.
How's that working
out for you?

You tell me that, huh?

In any event...

a step in the right direction

will be your apology
to Christopher.

What? Me?

Apologize to an
eight-year-old kid?

You're crazy.
No, an eight-year-old person.

I'm not apologizing
to no kid.
He's... Person.

Let me tell you something:
eight-year-olds ain't people.

Now, I know children got
their own feelings,

but they have to learn
their feelings

don't mean anything
around grown people.

They need to know they place.

I got a call from Christopher
Campbell's mother.

She said you upset him
at the museum.

Oh...
And Mrs. Lefko
told them

to bring him by
so you can apologize.

What? I'm not
apologizing.

Bernie, you know how
these Wellington people are

about their children, okay?

All they know
is you said something

and their child is upset.

All you have to do now
is just say, "Forgive me."

All of this'll blow over,
and they can go home.

I'm not apologizing.

Thank you.

(music playing)

I'm not apologizing
for a doggone thing.

You hear me apologize, America,
it'll be a new day of the week.

America, stop treating
your children

like they so damn fragile.

Let me tell you something.
The world is hard,

and fragile things get broken.

That's why I treat these kids
the way I do.

I'm doing my job,
and if Christopher's mother

needs me to tell her
what her job is,

well, let her come over.

Shoot, let her
just come on over.

Come on over,
Christopher's mama.

Huh. Come on over.

Thank you.
Now you say so!

No, I'm saying...
I didn't say it.

I said it then.
You got a nice kid.

I would've been happy
to go to the museum

if I had known that
the parent volunteer

was so insensitive.

Mrs. Campbell,
I'm not insensitive.

I have three children
of my own, and you ask
either one of them,

they'll tell you
how sensitive I am.

You know, it's true.

My Uncle Bernie felt
it was his duty

to go on that field trip,

especially after he broke
my little sister's jaw.

Where are we going?

(mumbling)

It's a hairline
fracture.

I was just... I mean...

Whoo, I'm telling you.

Nothing, just like Ali
and Frasier.

Just, pop!

(growling)

Shoot, shoeshine, boy.
I mean, you can shoeshine.

That's when you come-come near
and work up, you know?

You-you just southpaw it.

I don't know nothing about that.

(indistinct arguing)

Bet he won't apologize.

I don't know.

They don't look like the kind
of people who'll let it go.

(Bryana mumbling)

I'm going to go
change my sheets.

You'd rather change
your sheets than...

You heard me.

So, who wants
to play?

You know, me and you have got
a lot in common.

I had my arm in a cast.
Come on, I'll show you.

Yep, it was
awesome.

I mean, are you some
kind of an animal?

Elizabeth...
Man, you better
talk to her.

Just a minute. You brought
this on yourself.

I don't think anyone
brings being called
an animal on themselves.

Look, you not doing
the kid no favor

by making him think
he can't stand up
to the other kids.

He's not like
the other kids.

Why not?
(scoffs)

Yeah.

You're soft? That's all he said?

He shouldn't talk
to me like that.

(snorts) He talks
to everybody like that.

I mean, when I first came,
I was soft, too.

I know, it's
hard to believe,
looking at me now,

but he was always
saying stuff like,
"Boy, quit crying,"

and, "You run like
a French girl."

But between you and me,

who really knows how
a French girl runs?

(laughs) What do you think
I should've done?

Well, next time a
kid's bothering you,

you just roll up
to him and bam!

Do a quick wheelie and
hit him in the pebbles,

and then, when
he's on the floor,

you look down,
and you say,

"I guess you couldn't
roll with the punches."

(laughs)
Bullies hate puns.

And then run
over his hands.

Christopher,
we're leaving.

What's wrong
with your arm?

Where is your chair?!

What kind of
house is this?!

It's okay, Mom.

Jordan's showing me how to use
my chair against bullies.

You know, run over
arms and legs.

Stuff like that.

Oh, and this cast
isn't real.

It's just something Jordan
uses to get out of gym.

Oh, you're real slick,
huh, Jordan?

I'm going to give you
some exercise later on

while you run away
from this belt,
you understand me?

Mr. Mac, I shouldn't have
cried at the museum.

Don't worry about that.

You see what you're
doing right now?

You're taking
responsibility.

You're acting like a man,
and that's all I ever wanted.

You understand that?
Uh-huh.

See, when you all grow up, man,

you all are going to have a lot
of bumps and bruises.

When you fall, you just
pick yourself up,

dust yourself off
and just start all over again.

Are you ever going to be
our chaperone again?

Um...

We'll see, son.

Look at that, America.

All that boy needed was somebody
to show him the way,

teach him how to stand up
for himself.

And guess what?
That somebody was Jordan.

And I taught Jordan.

Oh, you all saw him
when he first got here--

always crying and whining
and peeing on himself.

The boy was nasty, and now...
well... he's better.

So, America,
I'll see you next week.

(♪ Sly and the Family Stone:
"Que Sera Que Sera")

♪ The future's not ours... ♪

America.

Come here. You all...
you all got to see this.

Come here.
Hurry up!

America, hurry up.
Come here.

She coming.

♪ ...sera, ooh ♪

♪ Doobie, doo-woo, ooh-oh ♪

♪ Que sera... ♪

See it?

Two for two.

(crashing thump)

She hit my car.

Cut the camera off.

your apology
to Christopher.

What? Me?

Apologize to an
eight-year-old kid?
You crazy.

An eight-year-old person.

I don't care what he is.

I'm not apologizing to
no eight-year-old kid.

Person, person.
Not a kid, not a child.

A person just like you,
just smaller.

You qwazy, okay?
MAN: Cut!

That's a very bad attitude
to take, Mr. Mac.

Well, you know...
It's-it's very negative.

I had no father.

(laughing)
MAN: Cut!

Captioned by Visual Data