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1
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Do you know Chloe Brown Mueller
2
00:00:03,763 --> 00:00:06,397
is running for
Fairfield County councilperson?
3
00:00:06,466 --> 00:00:09,600
I've been trying to think of
a way to deface her lawn signs
4
00:00:09,669 --> 00:00:11,436
by rearranging the letters in her name.
5
00:00:11,504 --> 00:00:13,104
Cross out the "C" and the "H",
6
00:00:13,173 --> 00:00:14,539
slip in an "S", add an "R".
7
00:00:14,607 --> 00:00:15,573
It spells "Loser".
8
00:00:15,642 --> 00:00:17,108
Ah. Sounds like a lot of work.
9
00:00:17,177 --> 00:00:18,810
I think I'll just draw penises on them.
10
00:00:21,347 --> 00:00:22,947
Anna-Kat, how many times
have I told you?
11
00:00:23,016 --> 00:00:25,349
Do not feed Hans Gruber from the table.
12
00:00:25,418 --> 00:00:27,552
He's only gaining 10 pounds a day.
13
00:00:27,620 --> 00:00:29,220
He's wasting away to nothing!
14
00:00:29,289 --> 00:00:31,022
Hans, go!
15
00:00:33,026 --> 00:00:35,593
Oliver, dinner table... now.
16
00:00:35,662 --> 00:00:37,728
I'm waiting for
my Mandarin grade to post.
17
00:00:37,797 --> 00:00:39,630
Why are you so worked up
about this grade?
18
00:00:39,699 --> 00:00:41,132
You always get straight A's.
19
00:00:41,201 --> 00:00:42,934
I know I do, but Jeremy Fleisher's
20
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:45,236
gonna obliterate the curve
in my Mandarin class.
21
00:00:45,305 --> 00:00:46,804
How do you know that?
22
00:00:46,873 --> 00:00:49,474
His parents just brought him a
12-year-old from China for Christmas.
23
00:00:49,542 --> 00:00:52,543
His parents brought him
a 12-year-old human being?
24
00:00:52,612 --> 00:00:54,612
No, it's a foreign exchange program.
25
00:00:54,681 --> 00:00:56,214
They're supposed to
teach the kid English,
26
00:00:56,282 --> 00:00:58,549
but instead, they make him
tutor Jeremy in Mandarin.
27
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:02,186
- Could I please have more...
- Unh-unh-unh! You know the rules.
28
00:01:02,740 --> 00:01:04,278
_
29
00:01:04,786 --> 00:01:08,091
_
30
00:01:11,731 --> 00:01:12,663
Grades are in.
31
00:01:16,970 --> 00:01:18,469
I got a B-plus?!
32
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My life is ruined!
33
00:01:20,173 --> 00:01:21,105
Ruined!
34
00:01:21,174 --> 00:01:22,306
A B-plus is great.
35
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,708
Of course you think a B-plus is great...
36
00:01:23,776 --> 00:01:25,309
'cause your life is a C-minus!
37
00:01:25,378 --> 00:01:26,511
Hey!
38
00:01:26,579 --> 00:01:28,746
Calm... down!
39
00:01:28,815 --> 00:01:32,083
You're in eighth grade.
Eighth grade doesn't count.
40
00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:34,685
It all counts! It all counts!
41
00:01:34,754 --> 00:01:37,121
He's really worked up. He's doing that
thing where he repeats everything.
42
00:01:37,190 --> 00:01:38,589
Honey, let me give you some perspective.
43
00:01:38,658 --> 00:01:39,924
Take your father and me.
44
00:01:39,993 --> 00:01:42,360
He was obsessed with grades.
45
00:01:42,428 --> 00:01:46,097
Me... I didn't worry so much
and just enjoyed my life.
46
00:01:46,165 --> 00:01:47,298
Guess what.
47
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:49,400
We wound up in the same place...
48
00:01:49,469 --> 00:01:50,801
same house.
49
00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:52,103
Actually, I'm doing a little better
50
00:01:52,171 --> 00:01:54,005
because I don't have to go to work.
51
00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:56,607
And you don't have to wear
real pants if you don't want to.
52
00:01:56,676 --> 00:01:59,110
And I don't have to wear
real pants if I don't want to!
53
00:01:59,178 --> 00:02:01,045
I'm on a track, and it starts here.
54
00:02:01,114 --> 00:02:02,780
I have to become valedictorian,
55
00:02:02,849 --> 00:02:05,850
then it goes Harvard,
Wharton, Goldman Sachs,
56
00:02:05,919 --> 00:02:07,051
then a remodel in the Hamptons
57
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,153
that my second wife
can busy herself with.
58
00:02:09,222 --> 00:02:11,122
I'm probably gonna like your first wife.
59
00:02:11,190 --> 00:02:13,357
Don't be mad when I maintain
a relationship with her.
60
00:02:16,062 --> 00:02:17,662
He puts way too much pressure
on himself.
61
00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:19,497
I know. This is getting out of hand.
62
00:02:19,566 --> 00:02:20,932
Do you think he should talk to somebody?
63
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,133
He's not listening to us.
64
00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:23,634
Someone to give him
a little perspective.
65
00:02:23,703 --> 00:02:24,802
Yeah.
66
00:02:24,871 --> 00:02:26,804
And I think I know just the person.
67
00:02:26,873 --> 00:02:29,407
I don't even know why I'm here.
68
00:02:29,475 --> 00:02:31,275
You're here because you need my help.
69
00:02:31,344 --> 00:02:33,611
You need to learn how
to take your mind off of school.
70
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,446
I saw this YouTube video about this girl
71
00:02:35,515 --> 00:02:37,081
who was really driven, like you,
72
00:02:37,150 --> 00:02:39,984
and she eventually cracked up
and got Auto-Tuned into a song.
73
00:02:40,053 --> 00:02:41,252
The song is really funny
74
00:02:41,321 --> 00:02:43,220
if you forget that she's dead inside.
75
00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:44,889
Okay, dumb Yoda,
76
00:02:44,958 --> 00:02:46,400
what advice do you have for me?
77
00:02:46,487 --> 00:02:49,355
Start binge-watching something.
It'll help turn your brain off.
78
00:02:49,423 --> 00:02:51,423
Easier for you,
'cause yours was never on.
79
00:02:51,492 --> 00:02:52,958
You should listen to me.
80
00:02:53,027 --> 00:02:55,628
Watch a dozen seasons
of "Grey's Anatomy" in a row.
81
00:02:55,696 --> 00:02:57,663
You're not gonna care
if you get into Harvard or not
82
00:02:57,732 --> 00:03:00,533
once you've seen a bomb get pulled
out of a body for the fourth time.
83
00:03:00,601 --> 00:03:02,334
Hey, I am going to Harvard!
84
00:03:02,403 --> 00:03:04,136
I even practice that phony evasive thing
85
00:03:04,205 --> 00:03:06,005
where I tell people
I go to college in Boston.
86
00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:08,707
"Oh. B.U.?"
87
00:03:08,776 --> 00:03:10,910
"No... Harvard".
88
00:03:14,916 --> 00:03:16,615
Ni ai wo ma.
89
00:03:17,952 --> 00:03:20,286
Ni ai wo ma.
90
00:03:20,354 --> 00:03:21,654
- Ni ai wo ma.
- Ni ai wo ma.
91
00:03:23,157 --> 00:03:24,796
- Ni ai wo ma.
- Ni ai wo ma.
92
00:03:26,727 --> 00:03:27,927
- Ni ai wo ma.
- Ni ai wo ma.
93
00:03:27,995 --> 00:03:29,962
Oliver, why aren't you in bed?
94
00:03:30,031 --> 00:03:31,630
I'm practicing my Mandarin.
95
00:03:31,699 --> 00:03:33,699
I'm using Taylor's
stolen Netflix password
96
00:03:33,768 --> 00:03:35,134
to watch a Chinese soap opera.
97
00:03:35,202 --> 00:03:38,103
It's 2:30 in the morning.
You need to get some sleep.
98
00:03:38,172 --> 00:03:40,706
You keep this up, you'll burn
out before high school ends
99
00:03:40,775 --> 00:03:42,274
and end up at some safety school.
100
00:03:42,343 --> 00:03:43,809
I'm not going to Cornell!
101
00:03:43,878 --> 00:03:44,877
Come on!
102
00:03:48,783 --> 00:03:50,215
Bed.
103
00:03:53,054 --> 00:03:56,512
That sounded a little like
"Go [Bleep] yourself".
104
00:03:56,567 --> 00:03:59,417
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
105
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:02,924
I'm worried about Oliver.
106
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,994
He's obsessed with his grades
and not enjoying his life.
107
00:04:06,063 --> 00:04:08,063
He wants to go to SAT camp this summer.
108
00:04:08,131 --> 00:04:09,397
Can you believe that's a thing?
109
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,166
Oh, yeah... I lied about my kids' ages
110
00:04:11,234 --> 00:04:12,701
so they could start when they were 6.
111
00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:14,836
They have no fun activities...
just studying.
112
00:04:14,905 --> 00:04:17,038
Oh, and I checked the box
saying they could hit them.
113
00:04:17,107 --> 00:04:18,440
- Ugh.
- Remember when we thought
114
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,508
having that baby would soften you up?
115
00:04:22,813 --> 00:04:24,412
We were so stupid.
116
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:27,682
Hello, ladies!
117
00:04:27,751 --> 00:04:32,053
Be very still. Her vision
is based on movement.
118
00:04:32,122 --> 00:04:35,557
You are so funny!
119
00:04:35,625 --> 00:04:38,226
Hey, would you mind
putting one of my campaign signs
120
00:04:38,295 --> 00:04:39,661
in your teeny, tiny yard?
121
00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:42,564
Why would you want your sign in my yard?
122
00:04:42,632 --> 00:04:44,499
All you ever do is insult my house.
123
00:04:44,568 --> 00:04:46,735
That was just playfully joking around!
124
00:04:46,803 --> 00:04:47,936
Right, Maria?
125
00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:50,672
Tell Katie I'm funny
and I like to joke around.
126
00:04:50,741 --> 00:04:51,806
You're funny.
127
00:04:51,875 --> 00:04:53,508
And I like to joke around!
128
00:04:53,577 --> 00:04:54,709
She likes to joke around.
129
00:04:54,778 --> 00:04:56,277
Okay. Seriously, Maria?
130
00:04:56,346 --> 00:04:59,080
I pay you $7.45 an hour, plus Obamacare
131
00:04:59,149 --> 00:05:00,482
to be more convincing than that.
132
00:05:02,018 --> 00:05:03,518
Okay, truth time...
133
00:05:03,587 --> 00:05:05,820
Fairfield County is bigger
than just Westport,
134
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,388
so if I'm gonna win this thing,
135
00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:09,324
I need to appeal to the poors.
136
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:11,025
- Ugh.
- I'd put one in Maria's yard,
137
00:05:11,094 --> 00:05:13,261
but she doesn't have one,
'cause she lives in a condo...
138
00:05:13,330 --> 00:05:15,096
...with her parents!
139
00:05:15,165 --> 00:05:16,564
Ull!
140
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:17,899
My mother is very sick.
141
00:05:17,968 --> 00:05:19,667
Oh, sick of you!
142
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:20,735
Up top.
143
00:05:21,872 --> 00:05:23,371
No, you missed it. You missed it.
144
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,240
I'm not putting
your stupid sign in my yard.
145
00:05:25,308 --> 00:05:27,642
And tell your husband to return
my husband's phone calls.
146
00:05:27,711 --> 00:05:29,277
Oh, well, Stan's out of the country,
147
00:05:29,346 --> 00:05:30,779
so I will pass the message along.
148
00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:33,081
- Aah!
- So hot!
149
00:05:33,150 --> 00:05:35,316
Oh! Zip it, Maria! Okay?
You're making a scene!
150
00:05:36,787 --> 00:05:37,819
Go!
151
00:05:39,356 --> 00:05:40,121
Ugh.
152
00:05:40,190 --> 00:05:41,489
Nicely played...
153
00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:43,057
sticking it to Chloe Brown Mueller
154
00:05:43,126 --> 00:05:44,559
with a Stan question.
155
00:05:44,628 --> 00:05:45,693
What are you talking about?
156
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,762
You haven't heard? Stan took off.
157
00:05:47,831 --> 00:05:49,597
Yeah. He went to Nepal to find himself.
158
00:05:49,666 --> 00:05:50,765
He's drinking yak butter tea
159
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:52,534
and deciding on which god to pray to.
160
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:55,336
He had a huge midlife crisis
and snapped.
161
00:05:55,405 --> 00:05:56,771
That's why Chloe's running for office.
162
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,039
She's putting on a big show,
163
00:05:58,108 --> 00:05:59,741
pretending they're both
"doing their own thing".
164
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:01,509
Oh, it's so sad...
165
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:03,311
that I didn't know that.
166
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,913
I would've enjoyed it more.
167
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:08,616
Stan's a perfect example
of someone who pushed himself,
168
00:06:08,685 --> 00:06:10,718
went to all the right schools,
got a high-powered job,
169
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:13,288
then wakes up and realizes
he got everything he wanted
170
00:06:13,356 --> 00:06:14,789
but hated his whole life.
171
00:06:14,858 --> 00:06:18,059
Oh, my God. Oliver is on that same path.
172
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:20,028
How do I stop my son from growing up
173
00:06:20,096 --> 00:06:22,096
and having a midlife crisis?
174
00:06:22,165 --> 00:06:24,899
You get ahead of it.
Give him a midlife crisis now.
175
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,201
Or...
176
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:28,937
check this box, and I could
smack him around for you.
177
00:06:29,005 --> 00:06:30,405
Mnh-mnh.
178
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,141
Come on.
179
00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:34,175
Boom!
180
00:06:39,182 --> 00:06:41,216
Whatever it is, I don't have time.
181
00:06:41,284 --> 00:06:42,450
I'm studying.
182
00:06:42,519 --> 00:06:44,252
Well, get it out of your system now,
183
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:47,522
because tomorrow we're moving up
your midlife crisis,
184
00:06:47,591 --> 00:06:49,490
and that begins with ditching school.
185
00:06:49,559 --> 00:06:50,658
I can't ditch school!
186
00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,727
My science notebook review
is tomorrow and...
187
00:06:52,796 --> 00:06:53,895
Hey! I'm your mother.
188
00:06:53,964 --> 00:06:55,864
And when I say,
"You're ditching school",
189
00:06:55,932 --> 00:06:57,198
you're ditching school.
190
00:06:57,267 --> 00:06:58,967
But if I get caught, it could
go on my permanent record.
191
00:06:59,035 --> 00:07:00,335
There's no such thing.
192
00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:02,237
Now, stop studying and watch
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
193
00:07:02,305 --> 00:07:03,638
tonight for inspiration.
194
00:07:03,707 --> 00:07:04,973
Can I watch it in Mandarin?
195
00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:06,007
Nyet!
196
00:07:06,076 --> 00:07:07,008
That's Russian.
197
00:07:07,077 --> 00:07:08,476
Shut up, smarty-pants.
198
00:07:12,582 --> 00:07:15,149
I need an extra treat
to bring for Franklin.
199
00:07:15,218 --> 00:07:17,452
He'd never tasted sugar
before he met me.
200
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,020
Do you think maybe Franklin's parents
201
00:07:19,089 --> 00:07:20,321
don't want him eating candy?
202
00:07:20,390 --> 00:07:21,456
Yeah, I get that.
203
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,924
He gets all amped up, and then it's all
204
00:07:22,993 --> 00:07:25,727
"Blah, blah, blah" about his diabetes.
205
00:07:25,795 --> 00:07:28,029
New rule... no feeding Franklin sugar.
206
00:07:28,098 --> 00:07:29,931
Hey, would either of you be interested
207
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,000
in going to a stamp unveiling
at the library?
208
00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:33,011
- Not it!
- Not it!
209
00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,135
How about if I told you
210
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,137
it's a rare banana stamp
that's a misprint?
211
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,605
Turns out it's a plantain.
212
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:38,740
- Not it!
- Not it!
213
00:07:38,808 --> 00:07:40,942
Don't you have a friend you can go with?
214
00:07:41,011 --> 00:07:42,510
Not really... not since Stan left.
215
00:07:42,579 --> 00:07:43,845
So find someone else.
216
00:07:43,914 --> 00:07:45,847
It's not easy making friends
once you get older.
217
00:07:45,916 --> 00:07:47,882
I tried this
Adult Friend Finder website.
218
00:07:47,951 --> 00:07:49,918
It was not what I thought it was.
219
00:07:49,986 --> 00:07:51,252
I have an idea.
220
00:07:51,321 --> 00:07:53,054
Why don't you take Anna-Kat to the park?
221
00:07:53,123 --> 00:07:54,422
There's always dads hanging around.
222
00:07:54,491 --> 00:07:55,723
Maybe you can meet someone there.
223
00:07:55,792 --> 00:07:56,991
I don't know.
224
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,527
Hey, anyone would be lucky
to be your friend.
225
00:08:00,764 --> 00:08:01,796
Okay.
226
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,365
Alright, everybody in the car.
227
00:08:06,436 --> 00:08:08,770
Are you sure making Oliver
skip school is a good idea?
228
00:08:08,838 --> 00:08:10,939
Trust me... it's just what he needed.
229
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:12,307
He's even sleeping in.
230
00:08:12,375 --> 00:08:13,908
Not a bad start to his ditch day.
231
00:08:13,977 --> 00:08:15,643
I don't remember agreeing to this.
232
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:17,612
This isn't one of those things
that we both have to sign off on.
233
00:08:17,681 --> 00:08:19,514
Oh, so you get to do
whatever you want with Oliver,
234
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,816
but I buy one rug from Cost Plus
without consult...
235
00:08:21,885 --> 00:08:24,519
Rugs are different than kids, Greg!
236
00:08:31,695 --> 00:08:33,761
Oliver, I would not be a good mother
237
00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:36,731
if I let you sleep away your ditch day.
238
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,468
Oliver!
239
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,976
What the...
240
00:08:49,980 --> 00:08:52,680
He went to school!
He reverse-Ferris Buellered me.
241
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:55,216
And instead of a mannequin, it's a pig!
242
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,085
Oliver thinks he's pulled
a fast one on me.
243
00:08:57,153 --> 00:08:58,519
I'll show him.
244
00:08:58,588 --> 00:09:00,521
I'm not washing these sheets
for a month.
245
00:09:09,708 --> 00:09:11,674
I need to speak with Oliver Otto.
246
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:15,745
Son, I want you to know
247
00:09:15,814 --> 00:09:17,551
I wake up every night drenched in sweat
248
00:09:17,605 --> 00:09:20,250
because my job entails
delivering news like this.
249
00:09:20,318 --> 00:09:22,118
News like what?
What are you talking about?
250
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,820
I sweat right through my pajamas.
251
00:09:23,889 --> 00:09:26,489
Then I lay there alone,
shivering in the dark,
252
00:09:26,558 --> 00:09:27,857
staring into the abyss.
253
00:09:27,926 --> 00:09:30,059
But I've trained for this moment.
254
00:09:30,128 --> 00:09:31,828
Your mother's been in an accident.
255
00:09:31,897 --> 00:09:33,897
There's a car waiting for you outside.
256
00:09:42,908 --> 00:09:44,107
Mom, what happened?
257
00:09:44,175 --> 00:09:45,775
Principal Ablin
said you had an accident.
258
00:09:45,844 --> 00:09:46,910
I did.
259
00:09:46,978 --> 00:09:49,512
I did have an accident.
260
00:09:49,581 --> 00:09:52,982
I opened up a bag of Bugles,
and they went...
261
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:54,317
everywhere.
262
00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,689
You are a psychopath.
263
00:09:59,758 --> 00:10:02,091
Mother/son ditch day, here we come!
264
00:10:02,209 --> 00:10:03,609
I'm going back to school.
265
00:10:08,449 --> 00:10:11,717
What I really meant to say is,
I'm glad you're okay.
266
00:10:11,785 --> 00:10:12,985
Aw, sweetie.
267
00:10:17,024 --> 00:10:18,523
Are you holding your finger
on the door lock
268
00:10:18,592 --> 00:10:19,925
while you hug me with only one arm?
269
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:21,159
I don't know.
270
00:10:21,228 --> 00:10:22,394
Are you trying to unlock the door
271
00:10:22,463 --> 00:10:23,895
while you hug me with only one arm?
272
00:10:36,176 --> 00:10:37,976
That's it! I'm driving while locking!
273
00:10:38,045 --> 00:10:39,511
I'm driving while locking!
274
00:10:49,089 --> 00:10:50,288
There you go.
275
00:10:50,357 --> 00:10:52,391
Just get in the circle.
276
00:10:52,459 --> 00:10:53,659
Just edge your way in.
277
00:10:55,996 --> 00:10:57,429
That's it. That's it.
278
00:11:02,936 --> 00:11:04,136
That's not it.
279
00:11:10,177 --> 00:11:11,143
Giants fan, huh?
280
00:11:11,211 --> 00:11:12,644
Yeah.
281
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:14,346
They've got to figure out
their quarterback problem, huh?
282
00:11:14,415 --> 00:11:15,947
Yeah. Yeah.
283
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,351
You like stamps?
284
00:11:21,522 --> 00:11:22,621
Oh, Greg.
285
00:11:24,358 --> 00:11:26,725
Hey, look! You two
have the same sneakers.
286
00:11:26,794 --> 00:11:28,393
Why don't you talk about it?
287
00:11:28,462 --> 00:11:29,528
New Balance.
288
00:11:29,596 --> 00:11:31,763
Yeah... the shoe of dads everywhere.
289
00:11:31,832 --> 00:11:33,398
I'm Greg.
290
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:34,499
- Charles.
- Oh, nice to meet you.
291
00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:35,867
Yeah, it's good to meet you, too.
292
00:11:35,936 --> 00:11:38,704
So, Cassidy, is that your dad
my dad's talking to?
293
00:11:38,772 --> 00:11:40,405
Yup.
294
00:11:40,474 --> 00:11:42,007
They seem to be getting along.
295
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,141
Look.
296
00:11:44,678 --> 00:11:47,214
So... cute.
297
00:11:48,215 --> 00:11:49,514
Do you want to come over to my house
298
00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:51,216
for a playdate later today?
299
00:11:51,285 --> 00:11:52,317
Okay.
300
00:11:56,256 --> 00:11:57,656
Oh, my God!
301
00:11:57,725 --> 00:12:00,292
Why is that funny? You're filthy now.
302
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,294
Sandy belly! Ho ho ho!
303
00:12:05,966 --> 00:12:07,766
The things I do for him.
304
00:12:10,037 --> 00:12:12,170
You can't tell me
this hasn't been a fun day.
305
00:12:12,239 --> 00:12:13,605
We snuck into a movie,
306
00:12:13,674 --> 00:12:15,207
half-made a Build-A-Bear, then ran out,
307
00:12:15,275 --> 00:12:16,708
and went engagement ring shopping
308
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,610
and creeped out that woman at Zales.
309
00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:20,946
This whole day
had no productive outcome.
310
00:12:21,014 --> 00:12:23,615
And I'm gonna get a zero
on my science notebook entry.
311
00:12:23,684 --> 00:12:24,916
Who cares?
312
00:12:24,985 --> 00:12:26,485
I'll write you a note.
313
00:12:26,553 --> 00:12:28,453
You have got to lighten up,
or before you know it,
314
00:12:28,522 --> 00:12:31,089
you're going to be drinking
yak butter in Nepal.
315
00:12:31,158 --> 00:12:32,357
That sounds like Disneyland
316
00:12:32,426 --> 00:12:34,092
compared to the Zales experience.
317
00:12:36,296 --> 00:12:39,664
What is Chloe Brown Mueller
doing in our front yard?!
318
00:12:41,034 --> 00:12:42,501
If I let you drive,
would you run her over?
319
00:12:42,569 --> 00:12:43,502
- Mom.
- Come on.
320
00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:44,669
They'd try you as a kid,
321
00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:46,138
and then you'd be out in 18 months.
322
00:12:53,046 --> 00:12:57,282
I told you that I don't want
your signs in my yard!
323
00:12:57,351 --> 00:12:59,551
Yeah, that's why I did it
when you weren't home, dum-dum.
324
00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:00,886
Well, I'm pulling them out!
325
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:03,121
Go right ahead.
I posted this all on Instagram.
326
00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:04,723
The poors are gonna drop their Whoppers
327
00:13:04,792 --> 00:13:05,891
and their 40-ounce colas
328
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:08,059
and vote Chloe Brown Mueller, baby!
329
00:13:08,128 --> 00:13:09,461
You can't trespass on my property
330
00:13:09,530 --> 00:13:11,429
and stick your stupid signs in my lawn!
331
00:13:11,498 --> 00:13:13,498
Oh, speaking of stupid things
stuck in the grass,
332
00:13:13,567 --> 00:13:14,566
nice flamingo.
333
00:13:14,635 --> 00:13:15,767
- Ull!
- I like it.
334
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:17,569
It's witty and unexpected.
335
00:13:17,638 --> 00:13:19,304
It's not witty and unexpected, Maria!
336
00:13:19,373 --> 00:13:20,539
It's trashy and crappy!
337
00:13:20,607 --> 00:13:21,840
Isn't that what you meant?
338
00:13:21,909 --> 00:13:24,576
It belonged to my grandmother.
She collected them.
339
00:13:24,645 --> 00:13:27,412
And I like to keep one
in my yard to remind me of her.
340
00:13:27,481 --> 00:13:28,713
Oh, you're killing me!
341
00:13:28,782 --> 00:13:31,516
Your grandmother collected
plastic flamingos?
342
00:13:31,585 --> 00:13:32,818
What else did she collect?
343
00:13:34,321 --> 00:13:36,188
Quick... Maria, give me
some trashy and crappy things
344
00:13:36,256 --> 00:13:38,290
so I can ask Katie if
her grandmother collected them.
345
00:13:38,358 --> 00:13:39,558
Um, I...
346
00:13:39,626 --> 00:13:41,326
Oh, my God, you're useless.
Get in the car!
347
00:13:41,395 --> 00:13:42,861
I don't know why I pay
your health insurance.
348
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:44,329
I have a $12,000 deductible.
349
00:13:44,398 --> 00:13:46,264
Doesn't mean you can't fix that chin!
350
00:13:52,442 --> 00:13:54,342
Grandma to the rescue!
351
00:13:54,411 --> 00:13:55,677
We are going to flamingo
352
00:13:55,745 --> 00:13:57,612
Chloe Brown Mueller's lawn tonight.
353
00:13:57,681 --> 00:13:58,813
What does that even mean?
354
00:13:58,882 --> 00:14:01,983
You put flamingos in someone's yard.
355
00:14:02,052 --> 00:14:03,351
Like, a lot of them.
356
00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:04,752
How is that a good idea?
357
00:14:04,821 --> 00:14:06,621
You said that before we went into Zales,
358
00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:08,322
and we got free sparkling waters.
359
00:14:11,661 --> 00:14:13,327
So, you have a friend coming over?
360
00:14:13,396 --> 00:14:14,796
Yeah. We really hit it off.
361
00:14:14,864 --> 00:14:16,564
Thanks for making me get back out there.
362
00:14:16,633 --> 00:14:17,699
Ever since Stan left...
363
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:18,866
Piece of advice...
364
00:14:18,935 --> 00:14:21,135
don't talk about Stan with this new guy.
365
00:14:21,204 --> 00:14:23,504
He does not want to picture you
with another dad.
366
00:14:23,573 --> 00:14:24,639
Got it.
367
00:14:27,410 --> 00:14:28,910
That must be your playdate.
368
00:14:28,978 --> 00:14:30,452
- Our playdate.
- Sure.
369
00:14:30,491 --> 00:14:32,425
I'm not a big fan of this Cassidy girl,
370
00:14:32,493 --> 00:14:35,261
so let's say we have a hard out at 5:00.
371
00:14:35,330 --> 00:14:37,296
Okay. Come on.
372
00:14:40,235 --> 00:14:41,534
- Hi.
- Hi!
373
00:14:41,603 --> 00:14:42,768
Where's your dad?
374
00:14:42,837 --> 00:14:44,503
He's playing tennis with his buddies.
375
00:14:45,974 --> 00:14:47,073
Oh, I thought...
376
00:14:47,141 --> 00:14:48,140
Sounds fun.
377
00:14:48,209 --> 00:14:49,175
Come on in.
378
00:14:49,244 --> 00:14:50,343
Yay!
379
00:14:55,917 --> 00:14:58,384
New plan... I'm gonna
play with her for 10 minutes,
380
00:14:58,453 --> 00:15:00,853
and then I'm gonna make myself throw up.
381
00:15:05,493 --> 00:15:07,260
This is going to make
Chloe Brown Mueller
382
00:15:07,328 --> 00:15:08,628
lose her mind.
383
00:15:08,696 --> 00:15:10,196
I would not want to be Maria tomorrow.
384
00:15:10,265 --> 00:15:11,330
Or ever.
385
00:15:11,399 --> 00:15:12,798
That is one sad lady.
386
00:15:12,867 --> 00:15:14,033
Honestly, I don't understand why
387
00:15:14,102 --> 00:15:16,302
putting flamingos
in someone's yard is fun.
388
00:15:16,371 --> 00:15:18,337
If you only learn one thing from me,
389
00:15:18,406 --> 00:15:21,240
it's that nothing is more fun
than messing with people.
390
00:15:21,309 --> 00:15:22,575
Seriously?!
391
00:15:22,644 --> 00:15:24,644
That's the one thing you want me
to learn from my mother?
392
00:15:24,712 --> 00:15:27,280
Well... that and...
393
00:15:27,348 --> 00:15:28,681
compassion, I guess.
394
00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:30,383
You keep up with the flamingos.
395
00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:32,151
I'm gonna go draw some more penises.
396
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:34,587
Ooh! The L's in "Mueller"
are gonna have a sword fight!
397
00:15:37,392 --> 00:15:38,357
Cops!
398
00:15:38,426 --> 00:15:39,892
Scatter! We'll meet at the house!
399
00:15:44,399 --> 00:15:45,798
If it makes you feel any better,
400
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:47,600
at least your wife didn't
sleep with your best friend,
401
00:15:47,669 --> 00:15:49,335
like McDreamy.
402
00:15:49,404 --> 00:15:51,337
Oh, but then you'd have to have
a best friend first.
403
00:15:51,406 --> 00:15:52,371
Ooh!
404
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,873
Way to go, McDummy.
405
00:15:53,942 --> 00:15:55,574
Guys, your mom is my best friend.
406
00:15:55,643 --> 00:15:57,243
Problem is, I can't meet her for drinks
407
00:15:57,312 --> 00:15:58,744
when I'm trying to get away from her.
408
00:16:00,014 --> 00:16:02,748
Oh, my God! I got to lay down!
409
00:16:02,817 --> 00:16:05,251
I can't. I can't make it to the couch.
410
00:16:06,988 --> 00:16:08,087
W-Where's Oliver?
411
00:16:08,156 --> 00:16:09,855
He'll be here in a second.
412
00:16:09,924 --> 00:16:11,090
He's faster than me,
413
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:13,426
but I kind of went as the crow flies.
414
00:16:30,945 --> 00:16:31,944
How old are you?
415
00:16:32,013 --> 00:16:32,845
18.
416
00:16:32,914 --> 00:16:33,980
Okay, have at it.
417
00:16:36,084 --> 00:16:37,383
What happened?
418
00:16:37,452 --> 00:16:38,684
We had to scatter!
419
00:16:38,753 --> 00:16:40,186
And I'm fat, Greg!
420
00:16:40,254 --> 00:16:42,788
I'm a big girl, so it was harder for me!
421
00:16:42,857 --> 00:16:44,223
Scatter from what?
422
00:16:48,363 --> 00:16:49,829
Hello?
423
00:16:49,897 --> 00:16:51,197
Yes, this is he.
424
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,533
Oh, I'm... sorry to hear that, officer.
425
00:16:55,737 --> 00:16:57,370
Yes, we'll be right down.
426
00:16:58,539 --> 00:17:00,506
Scatter from the cops.
427
00:17:04,345 --> 00:17:06,078
I can't believe
you got our son arrested.
428
00:17:06,147 --> 00:17:08,114
You keep saying that
over and over again.
429
00:17:08,182 --> 00:17:09,315
Let's move on.
430
00:17:09,384 --> 00:17:10,416
What was I supposed to do?
431
00:17:10,485 --> 00:17:11,684
Not get him arrested?
432
00:17:11,753 --> 00:17:12,752
I've been caught by the cops
433
00:17:12,820 --> 00:17:14,687
for flamingoing lawns before, Greg.
434
00:17:14,756 --> 00:17:17,323
They give you a slap on the wrist.
435
00:17:17,392 --> 00:17:19,325
Sometimes, they ask you out.
436
00:17:19,394 --> 00:17:21,494
Sometimes, you end up going to the prom
437
00:17:21,562 --> 00:17:22,628
with a police officer.
438
00:17:24,665 --> 00:17:27,199
Trust me... it's not a big deal.
439
00:17:27,268 --> 00:17:28,968
I hope you're right.
440
00:17:29,037 --> 00:17:31,037
Remember before we moved here?
441
00:17:31,105 --> 00:17:33,039
Oliver was less serious.
442
00:17:33,107 --> 00:17:34,407
He was goofier.
443
00:17:34,475 --> 00:17:35,708
And then we come to Westport,
444
00:17:35,777 --> 00:17:38,010
and he has gotten obsessed
with all the wrong things.
445
00:17:38,079 --> 00:17:39,678
And now he's on that path.
446
00:17:39,747 --> 00:17:41,313
There's a lot of good things
on that path,
447
00:17:41,382 --> 00:17:43,349
like hard work and a great college.
448
00:17:43,418 --> 00:17:44,750
I don't want him off the path.
449
00:17:44,819 --> 00:17:47,453
I just want him to have fun
along the way.
450
00:17:47,522 --> 00:17:49,088
And I'm afraid if he doesn't,
451
00:17:49,157 --> 00:17:52,525
he's gonna end up like Stan
and have a nervous breakdown.
452
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:56,028
I mean, when was the last time
you heard him laugh?
453
00:17:56,097 --> 00:17:57,196
I miss that.
454
00:17:58,533 --> 00:17:59,565
I miss it, too.
455
00:18:02,136 --> 00:18:03,636
I can't believe
you got our son arrested!
456
00:18:03,704 --> 00:18:05,371
He was supposed to scatter!
457
00:18:11,312 --> 00:18:13,012
We're here to pick up
our son... Oliver Otto.
458
00:18:13,081 --> 00:18:14,146
Oliver Otto... right.
459
00:18:14,215 --> 00:18:16,082
We can't release him to you just yet.
460
00:18:16,150 --> 00:18:17,716
You want to keep him
for, like, an hour or so,
461
00:18:17,785 --> 00:18:19,985
put a scare into him...
is that what you're thinking?
462
00:18:20,054 --> 00:18:21,821
No, your son is in real trouble.
463
00:18:21,889 --> 00:18:23,389
He was caught trespassing,
464
00:18:23,458 --> 00:18:25,591
and he caused
substantial property damage.
465
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,060
Mrs. Brown Mueller
is a political candidate,
466
00:18:28,129 --> 00:18:30,563
so there's an extra set
of special circumstances.
467
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:32,731
It's flamingoing. In Florida...
468
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:33,999
This isn't Florida!
469
00:18:34,068 --> 00:18:36,435
Are you familiar with the term
"zero tolerance"?
470
00:18:36,504 --> 00:18:37,870
Because that's what you're up against.
471
00:18:37,939 --> 00:18:40,840
He drew genitalia
on official election materials.
472
00:18:42,944 --> 00:18:44,410
Can I at least post bail
and bring him home?
473
00:18:44,479 --> 00:18:45,911
Of course... right after he's arraigned,
474
00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:47,346
which is in about two days.
475
00:18:47,415 --> 00:18:48,881
Two days?!
476
00:18:48,950 --> 00:18:51,584
You cannot keep a kid in jail
for two days for flamingoing.
477
00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,886
This is a Class "A" misdemeanor.
478
00:18:53,955 --> 00:18:55,821
You'll probably want
to hire an attorney,
479
00:18:55,890 --> 00:18:57,356
because this is the kind of thing
480
00:18:57,425 --> 00:18:59,225
that goes on your permanent record.
481
00:18:59,293 --> 00:19:01,560
Oh, my God, Greg! Permanent record!
482
00:19:01,629 --> 00:19:03,095
This'll prevent him
from going to college!
483
00:19:03,164 --> 00:19:04,163
What are we going to do?!
484
00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,164
Gotcha!
485
00:19:06,434 --> 00:19:07,900
- What?!
- I got you!
486
00:19:07,969 --> 00:19:11,303
Special circumstances,
zero tolerance? Classic!
487
00:19:11,372 --> 00:19:13,339
I always giggle when I'm nervous.
488
00:19:13,407 --> 00:19:14,340
I almost giggled.
489
00:19:14,408 --> 00:19:15,741
You should have seen your face, Mom.
490
00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:16,976
You were totally freaked out.
491
00:19:17,044 --> 00:19:19,545
Why in the world would you do that?
492
00:19:19,614 --> 00:19:22,548
Because nothing is more fun
than messing with people.
493
00:19:27,288 --> 00:19:29,221
You really are a good student.
494
00:19:29,290 --> 00:19:31,123
You were, like, "Oh, my God, Greg!
495
00:19:31,192 --> 00:19:32,358
Permanent record"!
496
00:19:34,662 --> 00:19:36,128
Well, you found his laugh.
497
00:19:36,197 --> 00:19:37,429
Yeah.
498
00:19:37,498 --> 00:19:39,165
I didn't miss it
as much as I thought I did.
499
00:19:43,762 --> 00:19:45,394
So, when I get arrested,
500
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:46,885
are you going to throw
a dinner in my honor?
501
00:19:46,950 --> 00:19:49,050
I don't like how she said "when".
502
00:19:49,118 --> 00:19:51,152
You should know that
I've decided to quit Mandarin.
503
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:52,320
Are you sure?
504
00:19:52,388 --> 00:19:54,088
Yeah, I'm gonna take Latin instead.
505
00:19:54,157 --> 00:19:55,723
It's a dead language.
506
00:19:55,792 --> 00:19:58,426
Jeremy Fleisher's parents
can do a lot of things,
507
00:19:58,494 --> 00:20:00,428
but they can't buy him a dead person.
508
00:20:06,636 --> 00:20:08,402
- Hi! Come on in.
- How are you?
509
00:20:08,471 --> 00:20:10,438
Oh, my God... cops. Oliver, run!
510
00:20:10,506 --> 00:20:11,539
No, Anna-Kat, it's okay.
511
00:20:11,607 --> 00:20:12,807
We got to talking in the station.
512
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:14,275
I found out we have
a lot of the same interests.
513
00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:15,443
You made a friend?
514
00:20:15,511 --> 00:20:17,144
That's right. We're both philatelists.
515
00:20:17,213 --> 00:20:21,248
Greg is one of the most passionate
philatelists I've ever met.
516
00:20:21,317 --> 00:20:22,383
Oh!
517
00:20:22,452 --> 00:20:24,218
I know it means something different
518
00:20:24,287 --> 00:20:26,053
than what I'm thinking it means.
519
00:20:26,122 --> 00:20:27,388
It means "stamp collecting".
520
00:20:27,457 --> 00:20:29,190
There it is.
521
00:20:30,515 --> 00:20:35,515
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
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