All language subtitles for American Housewife - 2x04 - The Lice Storm.HDTV.SVA.en

Making breakfast for your kid with OCD

is like the world's least-fun
game of "Operation."

It takes a steady hand or...

It touched. I can't eat that.

If we were rich, Anna-Kat
would be eccentric.

But we're poor, so she's just
cuckoo pants.

Call me when you get it right.

Morning, Taylor.

I made you a little something.

No, way. I'm not eating
Anna-Kat's reject food.

It's disgusting.

Mmm! Yolks and crusties. May I?

Put that cup down!

Who gave you permission to drink coffee?

You did last week.

I asked you when you were removing

all the things Anna-Kat
hates from her trail mix.

- Mmm! Carob.
- You know better than

to listen to me while I'm ignoring you.

- Besides, coffee stunts your growth.
- Great.

I'm already at a perfect height

according to the quiz
I took on BuzzFeed.

Well, BuzzFeed says
that I'm a Charlotte,

which is total crap 'cause
everyone knows I'm a Carrie.

You're more like a Miranda.

That is the meanest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Not happening.

Put it down.

Fine.

Once I start driving next week,
I'll go get my own coffee.

Oh, my God. She's right.

She's gonna be driving.
How did this happen?

- When did our oldest get to be so old?
- I don't understand.

I thought you couldn't wait
for Taylor to start driving.

Well, now that it's here,
I'm having mixed feelings.

Am I allowed to have those,
Greg, or is this Russia?

Do you mean Communist Russia?

Because modern Russia,
while still oppressive...

Why can't you just let me say things?

Greg, you realize getting her
license means independence.

And before you know it,
she's gonna be driving off

like that girl in that
Subaru commercial.

You mean the one where
the little girl sits

in the driver's seat and
the dad tells her to be careful?

Then he turns back,

and suddenly she's a teenager.

That girl was so tiny.

Then the girl grew up
right before his eyes.

Oh.

What's happening?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Ugh. Get off.

Taylor, honey, I'd like to spend

some special mother/daughter
time with you,

establish a bond that
will last a lifetime.

You can't force stuff like that.

That's silly. Anything can be forced.

The fact that you were all over 9 pounds

and I never had a C-section is proof.

- Gross.
- Yes, it was.

- I saw the sheets.
- Mm-hmm.

You'll never believe who just
moved in next to us.

Here's a hint... He's one of my idols,

and he just got out of prison.

I give up...

on the question and possibly parenting.

Spencer Blitz, the man who dominated

Wall Street in the '90s.

Then spent the last 20 years in jail

for insider trading.

I want you to stay clear of that guy.

You've already talked to him,
haven't you?

Hey.

Are you stealing my Wall Street Journal?

Good job.

When I was your age,
I stole hundreds of papers.

Sold 'em back to
the vendors for a profit.

Kind of a reverse paper route.

Then I took that money,
bought an abandoned warehouse,

burned it to the ground
for the insurance money,

and bought a Maserati.

At school, I made sure I parked

next the the principal
so he knew who was boss.

Sir, that's the most inspiring
story I've ever heard.

That guy's a perfect example
of what happens

when somebody only cares about money.

I know, right?

He's the best.

Oliver, there is a letter from
your school marked "urgent."

Oh, yeah, I was supposed
to give that to you.

Yeah, I got that, too. So did Anna-Kat.

You know I hate it when the
three of you screw up together.

It dilutes her anger.

A kid at the school got lice,

and they want the parents
to be on the lookout.

We cannot get lice.

We're already known as the poor family.

Correction... poor family
with a pet pig.

Hans Gruber, don't sneeze
on Mommy's leg.

Greg, don't ever refer to me
as the pig's mommy again.

Listen up.

We will not be known as
the "poor pig family

that also has lice."

So that's what these things are.

After discovering that
one of your kids has lice,

the first step is to isolate
patient zero.

This is to contain them.

Having head pets is the best.

Really? But eggs
touching toast is gross?

That is one wavy line.

Step two, check all remaining
family members.

You're good.

You, too.

All clear.

Mmm.

Did you just moan during a lice check?

If you're into it, yeah.

Step three is to kill
those little bastards...

the lice, not the kids.

Maybe the kids.

It's like there's a village.

You'd have to get lice
for a very long time

to have as many as I do.

I've got a super swarm.

Step four,

shock and awe.

Lice get everywhere and on everything.

They're the glitter of the bug world.

- I'm going to Melanie's house.
- Wait.

I was hoping that we could bond.

We'll never get this time back

or be able to make these memories again.

Nah, that's okay.

C'mon, we can make a batch of cookies,

but instead of baking them,
we'll just eat the cookie dough.

You can't eat raw eggs. You'll get sick.

What is wrong with your generation?

You won't eat raw eggs
or put plastic in the microwave.

Yeah, we also don't like to get lice.

Listen, when things get tough
for this family, we don't run.

We stick it out together under one roof.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Tell that to Dad.

What a total [bleep]!

I love your father.

What do you think you're doing?

During the State of the Union,
a "designated survivor"

is sent to an undisclosed location

so they can lead the country

in the event everyone
is wiped out in an attack.

This is exactly like that,
except with lice.

And a tent.

With Nutter Butters.

How can I convince Taylor
to stay and bond with me

if you're out here pitching a tent?

Oh, grow up, Greg.

Hey, if lice get in these locks,
they're not getting out.

- Remember when...
- Yeah, yeah,

Paul Mitchell stopped you on the street

and told you he had never seen
such texture and definition.

It was texture and volume.

I only have a two-week window

to get in all the bonding time I can,

because, when she gets
her license, she's gone.

And you know how I know that?

Because that's what I did.

I got my license, got a job,

and then quit to follow
Prince and the Evolution.

- Don't you mean Revolution?
- No. Evolution.

They were a Prince knock-off
band that owned the Panhandle.

What am I going to do?

Hey, remember the coupon book
she gave you for Mother's Day?

Yes.

With all those cute activities.

Such a sweet gesture.

It's one of my most treasured
possessions.

Yeah, I saw it smushed up in
the back of the junk drawer.

You bond with Taylor.

I'll do some father/son bonding
out here with Oliver.

- Where is he?
- He said he'd be right back.

Hopefully some camping with
his old man will help him

realize there's more to life
than material pursuits.

Wow!

This is your TV nook?

You know, every time I try
to find the main TV room,

I end up in the bowling alley.

So, you haven't touched this place

since you got arrested in the '90s?

Who's TLC?

A rad girl band.

They actually played my birthday
just before I was arrested.

I told "Left Eye" the story of
how I torched that warehouse.

Looking back, I worry I planted a seed.

Is it true you dated Daryl Hannah?

Post-"Splash," pre-"Wall Street."

Undeniably her sweet spot.

But my heart belonged to someone else...

a man, in fact...

by the name of Benjamin Franklin.

I still get goose bumps
every time I look at that

beautiful bald, green head.

Wow. We have the same taste in men.

I'm gonna give you some advice
on how to get rich.

Money needs to be your first,

your second, and your third love.

Fourth can be a Russian model
who needs a visa.

Do you have, like, a pen
and paper or something?

Yeah.

That's probably my parole officer.

Coming!

Hi. You must be Spencer Blitz.

Of course I am.

I'm Greg Otto from next door.

I was looking for my son, Oliver.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Hey, Dad.

Spencer was just telling me
a story about how he manipulated

the Malaysian housing market
for a huge profit.

You got one hell of a son here.

I look at him, and I see

a younger, less-tan version of myself.

I hope one day I can
follow in your footsteps.

But not to jail. Am I right?

Yeah, well, federal prison's not so bad.

He told me Allenwood had a golf course.

That's where I spent the summer.

- I winter-prisoned in Arizona.
- Amazing.

But it wasn't worth it, because he had

to give back all that money

when he was caught stealing.

Well, what your dad says is true.

I'm down to my last several
hundred million.

It's tough to look at those statements.

Okay, we'd love to stay and talk,

but Oliver and I have to get going.

We do?

We're doing some backyard camping.

- Yeah, but...
- That sounds nice.

Go with your dad.

You can come visit me anytime.

You know, I n... I never had a family.

I was too busy making money.

And it's hard to live with regret.

Regret? Oh, no, sorry,

I had the wrong inflection.

I never had a family.
I was too busy making money!

Mama?

Will you take the middle out
of my fidget spinner for me?

Didn't you just ask me
to put it back in?

Uh-huh.

I can't find anything
in this junk drawer.

Heads up, honey.

Why do I have to have my hair in braids?

You have to do it
after you treat for lice.

The coupon book!

Ew.

Stuck to an old Life Saver.

That I won't eat until I'm alone.

You keep itching.

Do you have head pets, too?

No.

Of course not.

Can you hand me that fork?

Mamas do this sometimes.

Oliver, I know Spencer
has made a lot of money,

but that came at a huge price.

In life, there are no shortcuts.

The only way to really make it
is to get a job and work hard.

- I actually took a job this afternoon.
- Oh, doing what?

Running errands for Spencer
until he's legally permitted

to step outside a half-mile
radius of his property.

That's him right now.

- Is that a beeper?
- Isn't it cool?

It's like a cellphone,
only it does nothing.

I've got to roll.
Spencer asked me to get

Crystal Pepsi and something
called mousse.

Where are you going?

- I told you, to Melanie's.
- No, you're not.

Because I am redeeming

the Mother's Day coupons you gave me.

Don't be weird. I gave those to you

- when I was like 10.
- I don't see an expiration date.

Here's one for an ice cream "zunday"...

spelled with a Z.

I am not hanging out in
a house crawling with bugs.

I have that problem under control.

Yeah?

Then why do you keep itching your head?

I'm not itching.
I'm stimulating the follicles

because of female-pattern baldness.

It's coming for you, too.

Oh, my God.

The top of my head is just lice

with some hair around it.

You can't make me hang out
in a lice-infested house.

You're losing her, Katie.

Do something.

Taylor, wait!

Should I? No.

And yet I'm doing it.

Lice hat!

Now we're infested together.

Oh, my God! Have you gone insane?!

I will take my 10 free hugs
inside, please.

What's it like on the inside?

Taylor totally ignored me

while I was combing lice
out of her hair.

Now she's holed up in her room
and won't come out.

Huh. Weird.

I guess you could try
giving her bedbugs.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Besides, Oliver has become a runner

for a criminal on your watch.

Okay, we've both made mistakes.

Am I crazy for trying to force Taylor

to spend mother/daughter time?

No, I get it.

You're just anxious because,
before you know it...

- Subaru commercial...
- Subaru commercial.

Okay.

How are you gonna handle
the Oliver situation?

Well, if I forbid him
from seeing Spencer,

it's just gonna make him
want to go over there more,

so I'm gonna have a chat with Spencer

and set some ground rules.

What's your move with Taylor?

I'm gonna go get some advice
from Angela and Doris.

So if it goes wrong, I can blame them.

It's nice to see I'm not the only one

you use that technique on.

Yeah, but don't worry.

You'll always be my favorite
person to blame.

That's sweet.

I don't know what to do.

Taylor grew up overnight

and doesn't want to spend time with me,

and Anna-Kat gave me lice.

You have lice?!

Lice braids!

Had lice... past tense.
Combed 'em all out.

Combing doesn't always
work the first time.

I can't believe you hugged me.

So what?! I'm supposed to
not go to restaurants

and hug my friends when I have lice?

Uh, yes.

Doris, say something.

I'm three months pregnant.

- What?
- What?

So I also have a parasite

sucking the nutrients out of my body.

How did that happen?

I was in bed guzzling Chardonnay

and watching Michael Phelps
race a shark.

Then I got so worked up
that I jumped Richard

like it was the 17th of the month!

That's our bone day.

Oh, my God.

- How are you feeling?
- Pissed!

Pissed that I'm about to
have my fourth child!

I had eight years until my
youngest left for Princeton...

September 10, 2025.

Then I would jet off to Majorca,

find a little villa on a cliff,

learn to sculpt,

maybe take a lover...

possibly my sculpting teacher.

Now this little creature
moved my finish line.

By the time I get to Majorca,

I'm gonna be so old that
my sculpting teacher

is gonna rebuff my aggressive advances.

Look, I come from a place

where everything happens for a reason.

This may not be part of your plan,

but it's obviously part
of the universe's plan.

Oh! I see.

So if I poke you hard with this fork,

is that also part of
the universe's plan?

- Is it, Angela?!
- Don't be mad at me.

I'm not the one who uses
"rarely having sex"

as a form of birth control.

Should I have another baby,
get a fresh start?

Are you crazy?! I'm not having a baby.

I have to figure out a way to
get closer to the one I have.

They're looking at you.

Say something.

- Diaphragm.
- Exactly.

Whew! I got lucky on that one.

What else was in that coupon book?

What am I gonna do, pillow fight?

I could come up with something
better than that.

Pillow fight!

What the hell are you doing?

Having the time of our lives!

I could hit you all day.

I lied. That's exhausting.

No wonder sorority girls
are in such good shape.

- Are we done?
- Look, I'm sorry.

I just want to spend time with you.

That's why I broke out
the old coupon book you gave me.

Why didn't you just use them
when I gave them to you?

I don't actually know.

Mama! Will you squeeze
the toothpaste on my toothbrush?

Sure, honey!

Just so you know, that's why.

What's that supposed to mean?

You never used them because

you were always so distracted
by Anna-Kat.

I mean, I get it.

She's had issues... has issues.

But she's eight now.

She can put on her own toothpaste

and take the crust off her toast.

I've seen her do it.

Have you seen her put the center

back in the fidget spinner?

Only about a million times.

Anna-Kat.

Taylor, honey, I feel terrible.

Tell you what.

I will let you have one free hit.

Never let your guard down!

Oh, hey, Greg.

I was expecting Oliver.

I sent him out for some lobster.

Got nostalgic for prison food.

I can't believe my tax dollars
paid for that.

You pay taxes?

Greg, I know why you're here.

You're afraid I'm going
to corrupt your boy.

Yes. He looks up to you, and
whether I like it or not,

you're a bit of a role model to him.

Well, that's... that's understandable.

I'd feel the same way about me

if I had just moved in next to myself.

I will say, your confidence
is quite intoxicating.

I've been drunk on it since birth.

You don't want me hanging around him.

- If that's what you want, I'll respect it.
- Thank you.

But you should know he's been
a real great asset to me.

He has?

I'm not used to showing weakness

because, in business,
it could cost you money.

In prison, well, you end up
with a terrible tee time.

I must admit, I've been
a bit lost since I got out.

Things have changed.

Do you know there's no longer
Blockbuster Video?

Yeah. I miss Gerald's employee picks.

He and I were really simpatico.

Oliver's getting me back up to speed.

He's a really great kid,

and that's because he has great parents.

I feel like you're manipulating me.

A little.

So, what's it gonna take?

What do you mean?

How much to make you change your mind?

$10,000?

You can't pay me
to hang out with my son.

$1 million.

- Seriously?
- No.

But now that I know there's a price,

my lawyer will be in touch.

Ugh. Okay.

Anna-Kat, chalk down.

The days of me doing everything
for you are over.

New rule... if you can do it,
you're doing it.

For example,

I know you can put toothpaste
on your own toothbrush.

Taylor!

You can also start your own banana,

stick a straw in a juice box,
and put on your own tights.

Am I clear?

Yes.

Good.

Okay, Mama.

I'll just start doing
everything all by myself.

Nice try, but I know you
can turn on and off

the waterworks like that.

Oliver!

Listen, I no longer want you
hanging out with Spencer.

He's not the type of person
we want you learning from.

Who said anything about learning?

Dad, Spencer's an old man.

He's alone and has nobody in his life.

I'm happy to hang out with him
and run errands.

Oh, so you're looking out for him?

Yeah, let me finish.

Once I become his confidante
and best friend,

I could also become his sole heir.

And that might pay off
sooner rather than later,

based on the amount of
aspartame he consumes.

- Oliver, I don't think that...
- Spencer has no family.

But you know who does?

You do, big guy.

And it's a great family.

Now, let's do some backyard camping.

I feel like you're manipulating me.

A little.

I feel like I failed her as a mom.

Just so you know,
if we never had Anna-Kat,

Taylor would be telling you

you're smothering her with attention

and ruining her life.

There's no winning in parenting.

I'm certainly not winning with Oliver.

Don't feel bad.

It's just Oliver's nature.

- I don't like it.
- Neither do I.

We need to treat him
like a dog on a leash.

He's gonna try sniffing around,

but he needs to feel the tension of us

always yanking him back.

- Maybe we should cut ourselves more slack.
- Yeah.

None of our kids are on drugs
or have face tattoos,

and we've never lost track of
a child for more than two hours.

You put it that way, we're killing it.

So let's put it that way.

Thanks for making me feel better.

Anytime.

- Raw cookie dough is so good.
- Right?

Totally worth playing
diarrhea roulette for this.

Thank you for talking to Anna-Kat.

Of course.

I guess I was spending so much
time on your little sister

that our time got lost in the mix.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I really am.

Thanks, Mom.

If I could do it all over again,

I would've given you more
attention and fewer bugs.

Mama!

You're a big girl!

I'm sure, whatever it is, you
can figure it out on your own.

Okay!

I don't know what to do
with you little guys.

I can't keep you alive
without a warm human host.

Welcome home.

I got some maternity clothes
for the new mama.

They're really just shirts
I've grown out of.

I'm sorry for giving you guys lice.

But it could've been anybody.

All right.

I'm sorry to you, too.