All language subtitles for American Housewife - 2x03 - The Uprising.HDTV.SVA.en

You got to love public
school... free babysitting

and a convenient place to
throw away my car garbage.

You ruined my son's life!

Ah, Tara Summers...

my daughter's boyfriend's mother.

If I had one free punch
for anyone in the world,

it would be Bryant Gumbel.

But if I had two,
it would be Tara Summers.

Eyo doesn't want to be an
anesthesiologist anymore.

He wants to be a cartoon artist.

- Mm.
- He spends the day at your house,

and now he wants to "follow his dreams."

Sounds like a real bad seed.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.

Mama, can Autumn and I have a playdate?

Why must all of our
children insist on getting along?

Of course you can, sweetie.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Fine. But it has to be at my house.

If Autumn spends a day with you,
she'll come back wanting

to be something awful
when she grows up...

like a teacher.

Come on.

Hey, Mom, is cool if I catch a
ride home with my friends today?

Yes. And nice job joining
the popular clique.

Did you know I was the most popular girl

in a high school of 5,000 people?

I did, because you
talk about it constantly.

Well! Somebody sounds jealous.

Have you seen Oliver?

Yeah, he took the bus
to ballet practice.

Mm.

I've been seen talking to
my mom for a really long time,

so I'm gonna go while
I still have friends.

Mm.

Bye, Taylor! Have fun!

First day without your blankie!
I'm so proud of you!

Is it possible I came to school
for nothing?

I've achieved what every
stay-at-home mom dreams of...

a free afternoon.

I'm going to Target to
sit on the lawn furniture!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

So that's why I was never picked
first for any team sports.

Anyways, thanks for listening.

Katie.

Shouldn't you be picking up
Oliver from ballet?

Oh, crap! I forgot.

I'm still a little disoriented

from getting woken up
from my Target nap.

If they don't want you to put
three lawn chairs together

to form a bed, there should be a sign.

You got to be careful,
or they will ban you.

- Way ahead of you. I rotate Targets.
- Hm.

- I got to go pick up Oliver.
- No, no, no.

Before you leave,

I'm doing a reading of my
soon-to-be-published book,

"John Stuart Mill and the Consequences

of a Thoroughgoing
Empiricist Outlook"...

I just like saying it...

and I need some help choosing a passage.

Now, this passage

about his marriage
to Harriet Taylor works,

but feels a little nichey.
Don't you think it's nichey?

- So nichey.
- Yeah.

So then, I considered this passage

about when Mill was
the colonial administrator

in the British East India Company,

but then I thought... you don't put

"Luke, I am your father" in the trailer.

No, you do not.

So I was wondering,
what's your favorite passage?

Gosh, honey.

- There are just so many that I love.
- Aww.

The first one, obviously.

Mm-hmm.

And the second one... is just...

You haven't read my book, have you?

You know if it doesn't
come in magazine form

and have pictures of celebrities,

I have no chance of staying awake.

I can't read this right now.
I got to go pick up Oliver.

And they say tired driving

is just as bad as drunk driving.

Do you support drunk driving, Greg?

I didn't think so.

Drive! Go, go, go!

Did you just try to pull off

one last heist before retirement,

but the crew member you trusted the most

turned out to be working for
the feds the entire time?

What?! No! I just want to leave... now!

Punch it!

Seriously, Oliver, what is going on?

Did something happen in ballet?

No, I just want to go.

If you won't talk...

then I'm gonna ask your teacher.

Fine. You win. Let's go home.

Sucker!

Let this be a lesson to you...
trust no one.

- Not even your own mother.
- That's a terrible lesson!

Excuse me, Nina?

Oliver has been acting a little weird,

and I was wondering if it's something

that I should know about.

Actually, there was... an incident.

Oliver was paired up
with Gina Tuscadero.

The granddaughter of Pinky Tuscadero,

which would make her
Leather Tuscadero's grand-niece?

Pinky and Leather are fictional
characters from "Happy Days."

Gina is a real person.

Well, you're no fun.

Oliver and Gina were practicing lifts.

And right in front of the class...

...he kind of got a lift in his pants...

...if you know what I mean.

Oliver chubbed out?

Yes. That's what I mean.

We're not talking about this...
not now, not ever.

A-Are you smiling?

No.

Why are you so uptight?

I am your mother. I used to bathe you.

Yeah, well, I got new stuff since then.

Oliver, come on! Let's talk about this.

There's nothing to discuss.

I'm never going to ballet again.

What's wrong with him?

Remember the deal we made when
we decided to have kids?

You handle the vagina questions
and I handle the penisy ones?

Exactly.

We had the best playdate ever.

Anna-Kat, tell your mom about it,

and don't leave out any detail.

Well, we went to the petting zoo.

That sounds like fun.

It was fun, but then I learned
some pretty disturbing things

about where meat comes from.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

And after talking it out
with Mrs. Summers...

That's me.

...I've decided to become a vegan.

You bitch.

Hm. Have fun with your
daughter's new lifestyle.

P.S.... I literally told her
how the sausage is made.

Bye.

Huh. Anna-Kat's a vegan.

The quiet makes me nervous.

If she is a vegan,

that means I will have to cook
two meals every meal.

It doubles my workload.

And I don't want to shop
at the weird aisle

in the grocery store. I hate that aisle!

They sell soup in boxes. It's unnatural.

They do have nice lotions, though.

Just when you think you have
everything under control,

your kids change on you.

I don't change!
You don't see me having growth.

I certainly do not.

I'll handle Anna-Kat.
You talk to Oliver.

Got it.

Wait. What's wrong with Oliver?

He had a moment in ballet class
where he was...

you at my nana's funeral.

We agreed that was not my fault.

We were packed in like sardines,
and you look sexy in black.

Anna-Kat, animals are actually
happy to be eaten.

We're doing them a solid.

Non-vegan food is full
of hormones, Mama.

Do you want me to get
my period when I'm 9?

I'm gonna kill Tara Summers!

I am a vegan, I will always be a vegan,

and there is nothing
you can do to change my mind.

I'll give you 10 bucks to stop.

- Please.
- Ohhhh.

Son, you're an Otto.

That means you're genetically
predisposed to humiliation.

Your cousin Freddy kissed his own mother

because he panicked on
a kiss cam at a Knicks game.

Your grandfather Reginald
had a lactose issue,

which ultimately made his roommate,

Donald Whoopie, millions.

- Your great-grandfather Frederick Otto...
- Dad, what's your point?

My point is, they didn't let those

embarrassing moments define them.

Yeah, but it did define them.

All these years later,

that's all they're
remembered for, right?

I'm gonna need some time to regroup.

- How did it go?
- Awful. You?

She almost convinced me
that cheese has feelings.

- Had to get out of there.
- Well, at least only two

- of the three kids are...
- Hey, guys.

What do you think?

Never mind. Three for three.

So you like it?

What has gotten into you?

You are not allowed to dye your hair

without asking for permission.

Uh, I'm pretty sure I can,
because I just did.

- And it's my hair!
- That is not your hair!

As long as you live in this
house, it's my hair.

Everything you have is mine!

Your liver? I'm letting you borrow it.

You could at least admit it's cute.

Cute?! It's not cute!

A pig in a skirt... that's cute!

Ugh! These girls are killing me!

I need to lie down.

Where are you going?

Target.

My girls are growing up
and not bending to my will.

They're forming their own... opinions.

Ugh. It's your fault, Katie.

You always ask them "What's the matter?"

when they're crying.

Personally, Katie,
I don't see what's wrong

with your children
being their own people.

- Surprise, surprise.
- What?

Taylor is just trying to be popular,

and Anna-Kat is just
showing some independence.

Who invited lesbian Dr. Phil
to breakfast?

Uh, just because I care
about my kids' feelings...

Yeah, so dumb.

You're dealing with a full-on uprising.

You can't talk things through with them.

You need to crush them before your house

- becomes like Angela's.
- Um, my house

is a safe space where
everyone is allowed

to openly express their truths.

Kids!

I respect that you enjoy
spraying water in the house,

but I've asked you to stop,

and now I'm feeling a little unheard.

I can see you're not in a place
to discuss the issue right now,

so we can talk about it at bedtime.

Which is, as always, at your discretion.

So yeah, I'm a good mother.

- But your story didn't prove...
- I'm a good mother.

Mm.

Kids, line up!

You are all going to start
behaving right now.

Okay, Mom, I'll dye my hair back.

And I'll eat meat again.

And I'll stop with the erections.

Yes!

I'm the best mom ever.

So, which passage?

Oh, God! I must've fallen asleep.

Come on, Katie. What's your
favorite passage?

I don't need to pick a passage.

I know everything about this guy.

You don't even know his name.

You keep calling him "Rod Stewart Mill."

Mom, my phone's not working.

Get your keys.
We need to go get a new one.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you just standing there?!

This is my life, and I'm being cut off!

I'm missing things!

Well, Taylor, since you're doing

what you want with your hair,

I'm doing what I want with my phone.

You see, it's mine,
because I paid for it,

so I turned the service off.

You are the worst!

A couple of days
without her cellphone...

- that just might do it.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And just to be sure...

Where's all my stuff?!

If you're old enough
to dye your own hair,

then you're old enough
to get your own stuff!

- You got rid of all her things?
- I did.

Everything? Her bed, her dresser?

- All of it's in the garage.
- How did you...

You know how when a child
is stuck under a car,

a mother's love can give
her superhuman strength?

Turns out, it also kicks in
when a mother's really pissed.

Mm.

And you.

You're coming with me to shop
for your very own dinner.

That sounds like fun.

Sorry, Katie. I just can't
get my head around this.

That dresser's 200 pounds.

Rage, Greg. It makes me strong.

Welcome to Hell.

This aisle is filled with all
sorts of vegan nightmares.

Here's some deodorant that doesn't work,

something called yeast butter,

and... ooh... a guy with
his hair in a bun.

He looks homeless, but he's
spending 15 bucks on hemp milk.

Okay.

For dinner, I was thinking

I'll just fill this thing
with this slimy stuff.

As long as it didn't have
parents, I'll eat it.

Excuse me.

Everything in this aisle
is just so natural.

Ugh. I need a bath and a turkey leg.

Katie Otto, in my aisle, buying tofu.

Give it a rest, Tara.

No, it's still fun.

Anna-Kat, did you know that
leather comes from cow skin?

Your mother's purse
used to be an animal.

Oh. No. Not this purse.

Excuse me.

Would you please get that blue
jar of Veganaise for me?

My pleasure.

No. It's my pleasure.

Sloppy joes?

Sloppy joes are my favorite.

They are?

Too bad you don't eat meat anymore.

Your dinner is this.

It's called brown-loaf.

- And it tastes exactly like it sounds.
- Yuck.

Hey, you should picture that next time

you lift Gina Tuscadero.

Okay, Mom. Ha ha ha.

I get it.

I can't use your plates
or your silverware.

But come on. It's sloppy joes.
I'll make a mess.

Actually, blondie, you don't get it.

If you're old enough to dye your hair,

then you're old enough to make your
own dinner with your own food.

I'm calling Child Services!

With what?

Ugh!

Uprising crushed.

Opinions and ideas squelched.

Children... sad. Mom... happy.

Husband... messy.

How does it taste, Anna-Kat?

Brown and loafy?

It tastes like dirt.

I love dirt.

I just used the family computer

to order myself a pizza
and an air mattress.

Should be here in 30 minutes or less.

How the hell did you do that?

I have some birthday money saved up,

and the Internet is awesome.

It is awesome.

The Internet, not that
she outsmarted you.

That's awful.

Brown-loaf awful.

Brown-loaf is my new favorite.

Wow, Katie, you have
really lost control.

I cracked down on my kids,
like you suggested,

but it only made them crappier.

Well, then, you have to double down.

Give Taylor a one-way
bus ticket to Norwalk.

Let her fend for herself,

live in a box with her huffer friends,

and she'll come crawling back.

Now, as for Anna-Kat, I'm thinking,

uh... dog crate for a few days,

and then throw in a hamburger.

Saying things like that
is why those people

came and talked to you at your house.

You know what I think you should do...

talk to them... not as a parent,
but as a person.

Oh, my God, here we go.

Listen, if you shut your kids
down all the time,

they'll start doing things
behind your back.

My parents gave me a long leash,

so I felt comfortable talking to them.

And by the time I was Taylor's age,

I knew I could tell them I was gay.

Some of my friends weren't so lucky.

They hid who they were
and led a secret life,

which sucked for them.

So, sure, your kids need
to know you as a parent,

but at a certain age, they need
to know you as a person.

Give them your heart
and give them your soul,

and they'll know they can
come to you with anything.

If Katie wasn't here,
you and I would not be friends.

So, I'm going to stop
taking Doris' advice

and try Angela's way.

I'm gonna embrace the fact
that Taylor's changing

and try talking to her... like a person.

Hey, if that works on her,
maybe you should try it on me.

- Noooo!
- Noooo!

Are you gonna try talking
to Oliver again?

Yeah. You know, I finally found
a passage for my reading,

and it inspired me to try to
give him some perspective.

So you inspired yourself?

Yeah, well...

I guess I did.

Perhaps you should read it.

It may help you with Taylor, as well.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Whoa!

You're doing homework without
being forced or threatened?

Yes. See what you've reduced me to?

I came here to tell you
that when I was your age,

I desperately wanted a belly ring.

But instead of asking Grandma
for permission,

I had Jill Tate shove a safety pin

right through my belly button.

Didn't that hurt?

It would've, but I was super hi...

I had a super-high pain
tolerance back then.

- Uh-huh.
- So, anyway,

my piercing got infected, obviously,

but I couldn't ask my parents for help.

So what'd you do?

Wore a lot of baggy shirts.

And eventually, I had to steal
my dog's antibiotics,

which did the trick.

But without his medication,
Duke lost most of his fur.

I'm sorry I dyed my hair
without permission.

Why didn't you come talk to me first?

Because... I knew you would say no.

Sounds like me.

How 'bout this?

I won't automatically say no to things

if you promise to talk to me first.

Deal.

- So I can keep my hair?
- Absolutely not.

That is not grandfathered
into our new understanding.

And even with our new understanding,

I still would say no.

I don't see what I've won here.

Very little.

How did it go?

I gave him my best stuff, but
he's still not going to ballet.

Ooh. Suddenly, I feel underdressed.

Basically, I told Oliver he
shouldn't let embarrassment

stop him from doing something he loves

and he needs to soldier through it.

And even though it doesn't
seem like it now,

one day, this will all just be a
funny story he tells at parties.

I've got a much shorter story
about my talk with Taylor.

I crushed it!

Who's doing this?

My reading is in an hour!
I can't find any of my belts!

Leather belts are made out of animals,

so I gave them all a proper burial.

I will help you kill Tara Summers.

Okay. But I want this face
to be the last one she sees.

Honey, you look great. Don't worry.

Kids, I made a new recipe...

veggie chicken.

What's it made out of?

Tofu.

And what's the bone made out of?

Also tofu.

Even though I have to talk
things out more with Taylor,

Anna-Kat is 8.

I don't have to treat her like a person.

Lying to her works just fine.

Good crowd.

And that's why I love you.

Good evening.

My name is Gregory Otto,
and I am the author.

I'd like to begin the evening
with a reading from my book

"John Stuart Mill and the Consequences

of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook."

"London, 1806.

A philosopher is born."

It's too bad the advice Greg
gave Oliver didn't work,

because it was spot-on.

"...John's father,

historian and political theorist
James Mill..."

Oh, my God. It's just like "The Matrix."

Oliver can't be told how to
soldier through embarrassment.

He has to see it for himself.

"...all it knows from
the external world.

Whatever pleasure is derived
from internal processes

can be attribute to
the external stimuli.

The..."

"Mill's canonical work
on utilitarianism,

aptly entitled 'Utilitarianism',

argues for a thoroughgoing
empiricist, himself,

a trait inherited from Bentham
and all other conclusions..."

Thank you.

I get what you did.

You were publicly embarrassed,
but you didn't quit.

Yep.

That's... why I had your mother do that.

So you're not gonna quit ballet?

No. I'm just gonna triple up on tights.

You.

What?

We talked about one of us

embarrassing ourselves to make a point.

Did you really think
it was going to be me?

I thought maybe, but I live a
whole secret life in my head.

I thought you sounded great out there.

And when your book comes out on tape,

I'm gonna read it.

Aww. Thanks, honey.

I mean that now. Can't imagine I will.

Anna-Kat, are you sure
this is the place?

Honestly, I don't remember.

You put me on the spot, and I pointed.

Why don't you just buy a new belt?

I'm not buying a new belt when
there's a perfectly good belt

buried somewhere in this backyard.

Oh, my... Greg!

See, Oliver? Another classic Otto story.

Ooh!

That's it. I'm not having kids.

This madness ends with me.