Original subtitles

- I'm Kate Berlant.

- Whereas I'm John Early

- And I would've done a no makeup makeup look

if I had known that I'd be on camera right now.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving these comedians

a total transformation.

- So crazy.

- [Vic] They have no idea who or what

they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

- Oh my god.

- [Vic] This is Very Important People.

- Oh my God, I'm so excited.

(Kate squealing)

- Oh my god. - Wow.

Wow. - I know.

Oh my god.

- Wow. - This is really scary,

by the way, John.

Hi.

- Hi, I love you.

- You look hot.

- I also had that feeling.

- The work ages you,

I've been saying this for years.

You look straight.

- Thank you. - You know what I mean?

- Yeah, I obviously take that as a compliment.

You know what we look like?

Megachurch people.

- Oh, totally.

- We are gathered here today.

- I support my husband.

- She has stood by me through thick and thin

with the accusations hurled at me.

- He's innocent.

- I didn't touch no one.

(people laughing)

- [Kate] It's truly terrifying.

- Mom, Dad, I'm gay.

I've known for a long time.

(people laughing)

- We're definitely married or like.

- No, we're married.

(upbeat music)

- Please, if you have time after world peace,

get us nominated for a Teen Choice Award, amen.

We all have story to tell

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of Very Important People.

Please introduce yourselves.

- Well, I'm Barbara.

- I'm Bill.

- We're Barbara and Bill.

(dramatic music)

- Yeah, so those are some hard candies.

- He shouldn't have hard candy.

- [Vic] Oh, okay, so.

- I can have whatever I want, whore.

- You shouldn't have hard candy.

- [Vic] Okay.

- So choke. - Don't.

We can't air the episode if somebody dies again, so.

- He likes to play with fire.

He walks on the edge, and...

- Barbara, I'm fine.

Let me eat the damn candy, Barbara.

(Bill coughing)

- See even that will send a jolt of adrenaline

through my system.

Sorry, is there a soft candy?

Does anyone have a soft candy?

- Can we have a PA fly in a soft candy for Barbara?

- It's not gonna be an issue,

Barbara. - I want you safe.

- Thank you, thank you so much, okay.

- [Bill] Wow.

- [Barbara] And I'd rather you have a soft chew.

- So we're gonna get that going in there.

Water.

Okay, and so we'll just sort of do that.

- Well, just take half.

Okay, well, you're on your own.

- Thank you. - Barbara and Bill,

thank you so much for being here today.

- What we're here today to do is to sell soup.

- Okay, well, interesting,

'cause you know, we Googled you too when you were coming in

and sort of, a lot of the stuff is about the lead poisoning.

- Well, you've probably seen us,

we were blasted on the tabloids for a little while,

but really we've been in the homes

and the hearts of American families

and even some in Canada and East Peru.

- We actually have a clip of that, I believe,

right there if you wanna- - Oh, don't.

Oh.

- We probably should have... - Checked.

- Yeah.

- Please.

Please respect our privacy at this time.

- No comment.

- No comment, and I've made that very clear.

- There's nothing to say.

- Get your camera out of my wife's face, sir.

Did you not hear me?

- It's okay.

- Can I make it any more clear?

Get your camera out of my wife's face.

Come on, Barbara, come on.

There's a certain generation

who I think knows us more from the tabloids,

but you know, the preceding one knows us

for who we really are,

know what our message was really about.

- Which was always.

You know.

So let's say it.

- Say it.

- Family. - [Vic] What is it?

- Family, I think. - Yeah, the family.

The focus on the family.

- Family, yeah.

For us, the messaging was always very clear.

Family. - Is.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I mean, that's beautiful.

- Family is and family was.

- Yeah. - And family always shall be.

- For years we were touring

with our message about family.

- And that takes a toll.

- I was sort of told that you two were

gonna talk about the scandal.

- Our kind of official line is

that we've talked about the scandal.

People saw us talk about it, and we wanna lay it to rest.

It's not in the hearts and minds of people anymore,

what they want. - Of the American people.

- Yeah, and now, we're about health

and we're about staying fit on the road.

- Because of what happened on the road last time?

- We'd love to refocus to soup.

- Let's refocus to what we're here to do,

which is to sell soup.

- [Vic] Focus on the soup. - We made very clear

with the producers.

- Okay. - We had a kettle,

travel kettle,

and at first I was doing my own little dry,

freeze dried soups with the kettle,

and then Bill said, these are so tasty, we should sell them,

and then next thing I knew.

- We were in Sri Lanka,

teaching the kids how to make the soup.

- Sure.

- They're not, no,

they're 18.

- We made them in, they're produced in Arizona.

- Yeah, sorry. - So.

- So the soup sort of,

you created in Sri Lanka, as you said,

and then produced in Arizona.

- We have a factory outside Tucson.

- Right.

I'm not, I can't argue that.

I can't pull up documents. - Who's arguing?

Who's arguing?

- We don't, yeah.

- You volunteered the information about Sri Lanka

and sort of, I'm repeating that back to you.

- Staying healthy on the road.

It's so funny because we always say it boils down to soup,

and I thought, well, soup you boil,

so there's something there.

- So it's sort of a chicken and an egg situation.

- Absolutely.

- See, see by the way sweetie, now we're getting somewhere.

You know what I'm saying?

And you can see me softening.

All right, so don't, don't humiliate us

and I'll give you what you need and we'll get the shot.

- I wouldn't. - We're here to sell soup.

- Let's take a look at the soup.

Can we fly in the soup?

I'd love to get a little bit more of our hands on this.

- Thank you so much. - Yes.

So this is the magic here.

Sweetie, sweetie.

- God damn release. - Bill.

- God dammit.

- Sweetie, release it on that slide.

- Do you want maybe one of our producers

to take a look at helping?

- I've got it. - Okay.

- Teach me how to do it then I'll open it.

- Well, I taught you how to do it.

- Well, teach me how to do it and then I'll do it.

- I think we should cut on this because-

There you go.

- Well then reset it.

- Now that's love.

We're just, we're gonna act like he's opening it.

- No, no, no.

I wanna reset it.

I want to reset the briefcase.

- Reset it then.

- Okay. - It is reset.

- Okay, it's reset.

So right here,

Bill's gonna open up his briefcase.

- Different generation.

Push out away from yourself.

Oh yeah.

So these are some of the new flavors that we're launching,

'cause of course we've been in stores for a while

and we have a lot of enthusiastic fans that were here.

- These are your soup?

- Yeah, so they were always cheddar based.

- Yes. - Bill's favorite.

- Oh my god.

(elevator music)

- Can we talk about the flavors please?

- I'm sorry, I'm not trying to-

- Yeah, I just, we're here to talk about the flavors.

- I always say I married a Havarti man

- And I always say with dill, get specific.

- He's actually not angry when he does that,

but there's, yeah.

- Can I take a look at one of those?

- We have a three cheese pinto.

- This is sort of more of a fondue than a soup.

- It's soup and it's legally soup,

if you wanna go there.

- I do wanna go there.

What do you mean by legally soup?

- We went and through the paperwork, it's legally soup.

Call your senator if you have to.

This is legal soup. - This is soup.

- And sort of what I'm looking at

sort of looks like a name brand soup

that you sort of loosely,

and I'm gonna have to cover this, I think,

for our sake, sort of

that you just sort of put little stickers.

- I'd be a fool to pretend that I invented soup.

We're not here to lie at America and go,

"Hello America, we invented soup."

- No. - No.

- But we created a new soup.

- What we're really excited about,

we're debuting a new technology with the soup,

and when it's exposed to air,

there's a chemical reaction that causes it to heat up.

You're not putting this on the stove top.

You're not putting this in a bowl

and then putting it in the microwave.

- I have to ask, are you not worried about

that sort of resparking the allegations against you

with chemicals in the soup? - It is legally soup.

We have those documents if you need to see them,

and I'm- - [Vic] I'm just saying.

- Proud to show you them because we

had the permits paid for.

- I hear you, I'm just saying, you know,

I feel like there's so many

allegations out against you two.

- People are jealous because they look at a couple like us

and they go, why can't I have that?

All I see around me,

divorce, separation, divorce, open marriages.

- Gender.

- Oh, yeah, let's open it up.

How about I go over here, you go over there,

we meet in the middle for Christmas.

- You two think the government got involved

in shutting down your Sri Lankan,

I wanna say sweat shop, but I-

- Where are you getting this Sri Lanka?

- We have been doing this-

- In Phoenix!

- This was proven, we've done this.

This was proven.

I'm laughing about this.

- I apologize.

Do you think the government got involved in shutting down

your last soup related business venture

because they were jealous?

- The government has payouts to people

who enter open relationships.

We are solidly married for 62 years next Wednesday.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

And we have a successful soup line

and people don't like that.

- I see, and I understand.

62 years.

- Yeah. - A feat.

- Hmm, it was easy.

- Oh.

That's nice. - They're monogamous, imagine!

- Yeah, oh, oh.

- Oh, monogamy!

- So scary.

- Yeah, I'm so scared of being monogamous.

- So you two do hold some more traditional values.

- Yes. - Absolutely, proudly so.

- We go, yeah, it's not gonna kill you.

- Not like the soup, right?

- Soup and family.

- Can I have this back? - Anyway,

so these are the flavors that we are launching today.

- Today?

You're launching them on this show?

- We're here. - This is an exclusive.

- We answered the calls of our fans.

- Do you mind if I try one?

- I mean, of course.

- We've got Havarti, dill, hint of lime.

- Got that one.

- Pepper jack, Colby Jack, Monterey Jack.

- Three cheese blend.

- And then in the middle,

we have chicken piera.

- With a poblano center.

There's a poblano suspended in the center of each can,

that's a promise.

- And did you have any answer to the allegations

that Ben and Jerry's had against you?

- Okay, fine, traces of wheat.

- Barbara.

- There might be traces of wheat.

- Barbara, cover your ears, cover your ears.

You're gorgeous.

- Me? - You are beautiful.

- Oh.

- So there's traces of wheat possibly.

- And monogamous. - Yeah.

- Monogamous.

- Why don't I try that?

You said your favorite was dill, I'll try that.

I'll try the dill. - Havarti dill.

- Yeah. - Wow, dill.

Okay, here we go.

- So this is only what's so great to see you

with those gorgeous nails being able to pop this open.

- Okay, so first thought as I'm looking in,

cheese based, you said.

- Yes.

- So I'm looking at a pretty red liquid.

- Red cheese. - There's tomato in there too.

Yeah. - Red cheese.

- Red cheese.

- There's tomato in it.

I don't know why that's so hard for you.

- Colors the cheese.

- It's just sort of not a listed ingredient,

and I'm looking at it, it looks mostly,

if we can sort of get that, mostly tomato.

- Let me see, did you get that poblano?

No, that's Havarti dill.

- That Havarti dill, hint of lime

because this is three cheese poblano core.

- I'm gonna take a peek at that one, maybe,

'cause this one is looking like maybe

a lot of tomato. - Okay, great.

- That's the poblano core.

- Okay, great.

- And there will be a poblano suspended

in the center of the can.

- And just sort of what I'm looking at right here.

It kind of looks almost, I'm gonna say exactly the same.

So that's sort of.

- Well, there's a kind of signature base that we have.

- Okay.

- You're probably responding to the signature base.

- The base.

You know what?

I was confused at first.

- [Both] Responding to the signature base.

- So I'm sort of looking at a tomato soup here.

So maybe, you know, I will take the three cheese blend.

- Okay. - [Vic] If that's okay.

- And again, that is pepper jack, Colby jack, Monterey jack.

- And so what does this look like

before I open this? - I'm big for provolone.

- It's gonna have that signature base, So you will be

seeing the same thing. - Yeah, don't be alarmed.

- It is just gonna sort of look.

- See it's different.

You see that already, right?

- A little different. - There's a little something

different there.

- Maybe we get a overhead, overhead shot.

- I'm gonna save these for the kids.

- Oh yeah.

We tie them to the end of the car and they go rattle rattle

down the street.

- Okay, so here we go.

- Can we make sure we got the can really close?

I wanna make sure. - That's good.

And if you can turn the sticker out.

- Turn the sticker out? - Yeah, we want-

- And to me it really just looks like a sticker

over maybe a name brand.

- I just wanna make sure we got the can.

- [Vic] We want that out.

- Imagine you're on the road.

- It's a little spicy.

- Yeah.

- We like that, we're not afraid of spice.

- That's actually better than I thought it was gonna be.

- Oh good.

- Because from what I understood,

your company was mostly a front

for some of your embezzlement schemes.

(Barbara sighing)

- We're here to talk about soup, Diane.

- Right, okay.

- Pepper jack,

Monterey jack,

Colby Jack.

- Wire fraud,

mail fraud,

dog kidnapping.

- You know what?

We'll take our soups elsewhere.

- Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.

- So. - Because I can't close it

if that's upright.

- Can we get someone to take the soup please?

We're done with the briefcase.

- Why don't we get a PA to fly in and

grab that briefcase? - Not gonna say it again.

- Get it out of my lap.

Get it out

of my lap.

- Take a hard candy.

Take a hard candy, take a hard candy.

- I need it out of my lap. - We're getting it out.

Take a hard candy. - Don't choke.

- Look, there's hard candy there.

Look, there's a hard candy.

Yeah, yeah.

He'll be fine, he'll be fine.

- Why don't I just ask you a couple of rapid fire questions?

- Absolutely. - I ask all my guests

some rapid fire questions.

- Family's always been the most important thing.

(jazzy music)

- What is your go-to karaoke song?

- This one's easy.

You make me feel like a natural woman.

- Okay.

I love that, and Bill, how about you?

- Camp Town Races.

- Okay.

- Just for public domain reasons.

It's always cheaper.

There's never any cost.

- I always tell 'em, you can sing any song.

They're not gonna charge you extra.

- Right, well that's- - But you gotta be,

you have to be safe,

'cause what if someone films it, they want to use the clip.

It's just, it's always smart to do Camp Town Races,

Amazing Grace.

- Happy Birthday he does a lot.

- Happy Birthday.

- And we have a full version of that.

It was pretty smart to think of the clip

'cause somebody did clip it.

? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday to you ?

? Happy birthday you know who, Jesus ?

? Happy birthday to you ?

- Lots of clips on YouTube of you two.

- Yeah, we have, yeah, yeah.

- We could not figure that out for years, Diane.

- Vic, by the way.

- I got it.

- Yeah, he has it.

- What meal would you eat for the rest of your life?

- Oh,

cookie.

- You'd eat a cookie for the rest of your life.

- Cookie meal, yeah.

- What do you mean by cookie meal?

- When you put a cookie on a plate and it's dinner.

- I'm just a little surprised to hear that

'cause your whole thing has been.

- Is this not a fun lighthearted interview?

I'm not allowed to wish for a cookie dinner?

I want cookie dinner.

- Cookie dinner, that sounds fun.

What is the meal that you would eat

for the rest of your life?

- I know this answer. - Corn beef hash.

- He loves it.

- I love corn beef hash.

- I chop it up on the grill.

- Maybe I'll come over for dinner one night.

- Mm.

- We'll see.

- That's an option.

We can maybe think about that.

We can talk about that later.

Is there a one that got away?

Maybe let's answer on the count of three.

Is there a one that got away?

- No. - Yes.

- One- okay.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- [Vic] I heard a yes. - I said no,

and he said no. - I heard a no,

and then I heard a yes over here.

- Transformed into a no, its final form was a no.

- And that is enough for me, next question.

- Okay, so

this is a question that I ask each

and every one of my guests, and that is,

what is the meaning of life?

- I mean, the first thought, obviously Christmas, but

finding, making, building a business with your husband.

- Christmas and finding and making and building

a business with your husband.

- Well that's just incredible, Bill?

- Entrepreneurship,

soup,

soup based entrepreneurship.

- It always comes back to soup.

It all boils down to soup.

- And family.

- Well, you can't have one without the other.

- You can't have soup without family?

- Correct.

- I just think of often soup as something

that you can heat up quickly by yourself.

- I feel like I'm being attacked, Diane.

- No, this is what I do, all right?

I got a nose for news and something's smelling off.

- And you know what we do?

Soup!

- You do soup?

- Soup!

- You do soup, since when?

Because I see a trail of failed businesses

and a lot of money in those shoes.

- We are the number one soup in Barnes and Noble.

Try going to Barnes and Noble asking what soup they have

that isn't ours, sweetheart.

- I dare you to walk into a Caribou Coffee,

ask for a soup, and it not be the ones we make.

- We're doing the Macy's Day Parade.

- Yeah mama. - In what capacity?

- A soup float. - Yeah.

- Well it'll be interesting to see

where you get the money for that,

'cause from what I hear, you're bankrupt.

No money left after paying back all those poor families.

- The soup is completely edible and non-flammable.

- So what do you say to the accusations

that the soup lids are dissolving into the soup?

- I don't have anything to say about that.

- Well what about the accusation

that your kids are actually 40 and you hired them?

- People said, how many soups can you guys come up with?

This is like year after year, more soups,

and so that's when we released the Baker's Dozen,

which is a 13th soup for the price of one.

- There's footage of you two crashing the royal wedding.

- Technology we use to suspend that poblano,

you would be shocked.

- People go, is there a string in here?

- What about the fact that your two's marriage

is on the rocks, huh?

How about that?

? S-O-U-P ?

? It's fun to stay at the S-O-U-P ?

- Okay, well what about the fact

that you crashed your SUV into a hotel

and then ran away?

Hit and run.

- Staying healthy on the road isn't always easy,

but we figured out a way with soup.

- What do you have to say to the earlier videos

that surfaced about the cock fighting ring?

- You know, why don't we go to the soup demonstration?

- I would love that, 'cause you know a lot of people,

they think these soups are canned, they're processed,

but honey, we make 'em at home.

- They're homemade! - You had three cans.

- Oh, oh, I know they're canned.

- [Barbara] Let's get in-

- I know they're canned. - You just send one second-

- But they start in the home

and they start with Barbara, my wife,

who

loves me,

through her food.

And then we have a scientist come in

and distill that into a soup that can be sold worldwide.

Let's get that table in.

- But it's made with love, pure love, let's get the soup in.

Thank you. - Okay so sort of-

I'm the one that says when we sort of

fly things in here, right?

(jazzy music)

- Let's get on our knees for this.

- Pray to the soup.

Yeah. - Vic.

- Now Bill, don't get any ideas.

(Bill laughing)

So what you wanna do is start with the base.

We're doing a potato base.

I'm just gonna do a couple,

and you know what, you can always get kids involved.

They love to chop up the potatoes here.

These are Yukon gold.

They are freshly grown, recently.

- So we'll do a potato, basically do a mirepoix,

which is carrots,

this.

- And that. - And that.

- This? - If you don't mind,

dump that right in.

- And this was grandma's.

So every soup is made from grandma's blender,

and this always brings Bill to his knees.

We have to blend soup on our knees now.

- Every soup is made in this?

- Not yet, not yet.

Not yet, not yet, not yet.

I said not yet.

- Because according to our research,

you have four factories all overseas

where you're not paying any of your workers.

- Purified water.

- Purified water. - Purified water.

- A little crack of pepper.

- We're doing a potato base today for your birthday.

- For my birthday? - Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

- My birthday's in November.

- Dump that in.

That's the special sauce.

- And so, sort of for me looking at this,

this is Spaghetti Os.

- Exactly.

- So you're both buying Spaghetti Os.

- Here we go. - And again,

this is all made at home.

- At home - With grandma's blender.

- If you don't mind doing the honors.

- Yeah. - So then

what are the factories doing?

- If you don't mind doing the honors

- And look at her going.

It doesn't get fresher than this, folks.

- This is how you are making every single soup?

- Grandmother's blender at home,

just the way she would've wanted it.

- You're supposed to tell me that according to filings,

you're doing $2.6 billion a year.

- And it's a little bit chunky as a gazpacho.

- This is a gazpacho, what about the sell leading?

- This is gazpacho.

Well now Bill's upset.

- Okay, hey, no, no.

- Bill, Bill.

- These are my-

- It's better if we just let him do this.

It's better if we just let him go.

- Let me get it out.

- Just sort of, this is my set.

- Bill, there's a hard candy here for you, sweetheart.

- Let me get it out.

- Get it out.

I'm not kidding.

It's better if you let him get it out.

Yeah, sweetie, why don't you sit down?

Yeah.

Okay.

That's okay.

- What kind of soup is this supposed to be?

That's a, let's ignore him.

It's a gazpacho.

Ignore it, so this actually is a soup.

You can do it in the summer as a gazpacho,

so you can do it over chills,

and it's a Spanish style. - No.

- [Barbara] Ignore him. - So that is,

oh my god.

Oh my god.

My website.

My website.

Okay, so you don't see me coming to your house

and going, oh soup, you don't see me doing that.

Okay, I'm not going and I'm not like sort of like, oh,

look at this grandma's blender.

- Don't even. - Grandma's blender!

- Vic! (blender crashing)

- You don't see me doing that, okay?

- Had I known

it was a Webby-

- It's a Website!

- I would not have hurt it.

- Okay, okay. - Let's have a hard candy.

Do you want a hard candy? - Yeah.

- Here.

Here you go.

So again, you can do the soups

morning, noon, or night. - Okay.

- That soup is more of an afternoon soup, I'd say chilled.

You can have friends over, have the soup over,

invite your family, and enjoy the soups.

(Vic coughing)

Do you need a soft shell?

Can we get a soft candy?

You wanna soft candy?

(Vic coughing)

- Yeah.

You okay? - Yeah.

I'm okay.

- That wasn't so bad, right?

Fine, let's get you a chair.

You wanna get the chair?

Thank you so much.

Get them a soft candy. - Can I have that?

Thank you.

(Barbara sighing)

Well, we just wanna say we are so excited

to be here launching the soups.

- So grateful for the platform, Vic,

and all that you do to spread the good word.

You're gonna be getting a whole pallet

of the Havarti with dill, and we're gonna throw in

that poblano core free of charge.

- Thank you. - How about it?

- I'm Vic Michaelis is reminding you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.

(jazzy music)

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