All language subtitles for Very Important People s02e04 Fourth Witch.eng

- Hey, I'm Kimia Behpoornia.

I don't know what's about to happen today.

All I know is last time I was here

I had an emotional support
person, Jacob Wysocki.

They took him away from me
this time, but that's fine.

Let's go.

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- What could you possibly be doing?

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

- Have a little laugh.

Everyone knows what's going on.

- [Vic] Once they see
themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up
a character on the spot

and then sit down with me
for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- Do I look like a slay? (laughs)

No.

Now this is horrific, guys.

Ugh.

Ah, it is I, Sarah the Destroyer.

I've come to collect rent.

Hello, come on in.

I have many potions.

They'll make you popular on TikTok.

Oh, my rings are great.

Get in here.

Who was this? Right?

This was my ex-husband.

Waste nothing.

That was dinner and also
a hat. Crafty queen.

(Kimia vocalizing)

Terrifying. Didn't love that.

That's fine. Here we are.

Double, double, toil, and trouble.

Ooh, like the Three Witches.

I'm the Fourth Witch.
They didn't let me in.

(laughs) Wonder why.

(Kimia cackling evilly)

(Kimia coughs)

(upbeat theme music)

(upbeat theme music continues)

(Vic sighs)

- What is the meaning of life?

What is the meaning of life?

We all have a story to tell

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition
of "Very Important People."

Okay, so I'm not gonna
be seated until my guest-

Oh, okay.

Ha.
- Ah.

- That was fun.
- It's a witch fart.

Anytime I fart, I just kind
of go away for a minute

and then I'm back.

- Like my grandmother.

- What's her name? I might know her.

- Well hey, what's your name?

- Fourth Witch.
(dramatic music)

- Your name is Fourth Witch?

- Well, I have a stage name, but yeah,

my legal name is Fourth Witch.

- Fourth Witch of what?

- You ever heard of a guy named Macbeth?

- Oh sure.

- So there's like the Wayward Sisters.

- Sure.
- Three.

They're my sisters.

- Let me just clarify this for myself

and the viewer at home.

There's sort of three sisters

that are famously associated with Macbeth.

- Yeah.
- And you are the fourth one?

- Yeah, they didn't let me in, you know?

- What was your family like?

I don't know much about witches,

so did you grow up together?

- Yeah, so they're all
creepy, spells and stuff.

- Sure, and you too.

- I'm funny.
- You're funny?

- I'm the funny one.
- Okay.

- So here's what happened.

Birth.

- Sure.

- My first sister comes out. (grunts)

- Right. Not like that, I bet.
- My second sister comes out.

(Fourth Witch grunting)

And the third sister comes out. (grunts)

I come out. (laughs)

I was born funny.
- I'd love to hear a joke.

- Okay, okay. I do prop comedy.

- I'll bite. Let's take a peek.

- Okay.

We're on top of a mountain.

- Okay.

(Fourth Witch yodeling)

Ugh. (laughs)

Yodeler on top of a mountain.

- Oh, I see, and so he is
sort of getting the hook?

- Getting a hook 'cause you yodel too loud

on top of the mountain.

I'm sort of workshopping
that one for my special.

- Oh, I see. You have a special?

- Yeah.

- Well, how interesting is that.

Okay, so it sounds like
you're doing all right.

I would like to hear a little bit

about how you got ousted
from the Macbeth Trio.

- So you know the story of Macbeth?

- Mad King.
- Cursed.

- Wife, bloody hands.
- That's right.

Well, that was sort of my trial.

That was like the test
out to see if I could hang

with the rest of the Wayward Sisters.

- I see.
- There's something in comedy-

- Sure.
- It's called, uh-

- Why'd you point at me?

- You're funny?

I don't know, were you fishing?

Okay, so there's this thing in comedy,

it's called a misdirect.

- Okay.

- So I added a misdirect
into the curse with Macbeth

and then the sisters were like,

"There's no room for comedy in curses."

And I was like, "Excuse me?"

- Your sisters think you're the funny one.

They don't want anything-

- No, they don't think I'm funny.

- Your sisters don't think you're funny?

- Yeah.

- So what do they think of you?

- Freak.

Weirdo.

- They think you're a freak weirdo?

- Well separate. They've
never put that together.

Don't give 'em ideas.

- On that note, I think I would
be remiss not to point out

that this is actually a very
special holiday episode today.

And knowing that we were
having you on as our guest,

we thought it was the
perfect time to celebrate

our holiday episode and that episode is

the Christmas episode.

So if we can go ahead and
fly on our props here.

- No, we can't do Christmas.
- Why?

- Witches and Christmas. We
don't do Christmas, we can't-

- Well, it's not like religious.

It's like-
- We can't do Christmas.

- It's like presents and lights.

- Oh.
- Okay.

- Ah!
- Okay, hey.

- Ah!
- It's fine.

Instead of Christmas,

it could be sort of like a birthday party.

A Jesus birthday party. What do you think?

Happy birthday, Jesus.

- Jesus?

It's just bringing up a lot
of stuff about family for me.

Like Halloween, you can walk
it alone, you know what I mean?

But Christmas is about family.

- On Halloween, are you going
trick or treating by yourself?

- What do you do?

- Well, normally, like, you bring kids.

I don't really go trick
or treating, obviously.

- Oh, and you have kids.

- Well, I have a stepdaughter, Bianca.

She was actually very excited

that you were coming here today.

- Oh, she knows my jokes?

- Well actually, Bianca
found you on TikTok.

(Kimia gasps)

- Oh yeah?

- And she's quite
familiar with your comedy

and said that she thought that maybe

you would be a good fit and
I fought it tooth and nail.

And, um-
- Okay, Bianca,

I got something special for you.

- Okay.
- Can we get a prop?

Just anything.

I can do anything at all.
- Can we get a prop?

Oh, okay, wow.

- This one's for Bianca.

- Okay.

- We're on a football field.

- On a football field?
- Right now.

Bianca, you're my favorite
teammate. I love you.

Go long.

- That wasn't a joke. That was a pun.

- Punt. (laughs)

- Okay, well.

We actually have a Christmas song

that we're gonna be singing right now.

- Oh, no.

- It's a favorite of everybody here

and it's called "Christmas,
Christmas That Time of Year."

- What is that?

(soft upbeat music)

- The network said we have
to do, um, a Christmas song.

- You don't have to do
stuff you don't wanna do.

- Oh yes, I do.
- This is how I got here.

- What do you mean?

- Because everyone was like,
"Oh, you gotta be scary.

You have to curse people."

And I said, "No, I love prop comedy."

- How long did it take
you to figure that out?

- Well, it took a lot
of me trying to fit in

and it feels like you're
trying to do that right now.

- Well.

Speaking of trying to fit in-
- Okay, fine.

- Let's fit in my favorite Christmas song,

"Christmas, Christmas,
That Crazy Time of Year."

Ready?
- Yeah, sure.

? Christmas, Christmas ?

? That crazy time of year ?

? Christmas, Christmas ?

? It fills me with fear ?

? Oh, Christmas ?

? Oh, Christmas ?

? You crazy, crazy time of the year ?

(Vic clapping)

(crew clapping)

- Thank you.

Taking vocal lessons.
- I hated that.

- Okay, well, here we are.

- Can we get a prop?
- You want another prop?

- Yeah, I would love one.

- You're sort of burning material

'cause this is being recorded, so.

- Well no, that's the thing.

The material creates itself.

- Is that? Okay, well, and
here we are, so another one.

- We just met. I think you're cool.

- Okay.
- Hey, I think you're cool.

Can I get your phone number?

I hope it's really long

because I have a lot of paper-

- Paper.
- To write it down.

- No, I can see that.

So, okay.
(Kimia laughing)

Right.

Right.
- Can I get another prop?

- I feel like I sorta of
understand what's happening-

- No, let's get one.
- I don't think

I need another prop.
- Let's get one.

- Okay, so.
- I'm so good.

- Well.
- Let's get one.

- Oh, okay.

- This one's just a one liner.

- No situational set up?

- No.
- Okay.

- This one is just straight to the point.

- All right.

- My ex-wife.
- Because she's a doll?

- It's 'cause she's gross and
you're like, "You're so cute.

Why would you ever go for someone
so gross and also little?"

- Right.

So you brought all of these props

and it's seeming like you're
making this up on the spot.

- No, no, I write all of this

and then I make it feel
fresh when I perform it.

- You wrote all of those jokes?

- I wrote all of those
jokes. You like them?

- You seem like you are having

a lot of fun up there.
- Mm-hm.

- And I like that you like

what you're doing.
- Mm-hm.

- Okay, so I'm just getting
word from the network

that this might not be
coming out Christmas time,

so if we can get some,
maybe this cleared off?

It would've been nice to know sort of

when we were planning the episode.

- Why did I have to be put through that?

This is what happens when you do stuff

other people tell you all the time.

- So here's what we're gonna have to do.

If we can just take a stand.
- What?

- So we don't know when
this is gonna come out,

but apparently it's gonna
come out during a holiday,

so we're just gonna have to sort of

cover our bases with the holidays,

so we're just gonna sort of send

a Season's Greeting for
different holidays, okay?

So I'll start.

- You have to do this?
- We do have to do this.

I'm seeing a lot of stern, stern eyes.

- Aren't you the boss here?
- Yeah.

- So you don't have to do that.

- Well, Bianca's a
producer now, so, yes I do.

From our family to yours,
Happy New Year's. Your turn.

- From our family to yours,
Happy St. Patrick's Day.

- From our family to
yours, Happy Flag Day.

- From our family to yours,
Happy Arbor Day. Plant a tree.

- From our family to yours,

Happy Oh No Your Parents
Are Getting Divorced Day.

- From our family to
yours, Happy Adoption Day.

- From our family to yours,

Happy Oh No, Daddy Decided
He's Gonna Move Back In Day.

- From our fam...

That's-
- You just read

read on the card there,
they're all written there.

- From our family to yours,
Happy Dog Adoption Day.

- From our family to yours

Happy Oh No Oops Daddy Had
A Girlfriend the Whole Time

and He's Back Out of the House Day.

- From our family to
yours, Happy Thanksgiving.

- From our family to yours,

Happy Mom's Quietly Weeping in the Corner

You Ask Her If She's Okay
and She Says Yes Day.

- These are holidays?

From our family to yours,
Happy Halloween. Wow.

- And then mine's just a lot of text.

From our family to yours,

Happy It's Dad's Wedding Now.

You get dressed up in your
little outfit. It's a dress.

You don't wear dresses typically,

but you put it on anyway
because you love your dad

even though you don't really
recognize who he is anymore.

You try and smile through the ceremony.

Janet's nice. It's just your
family is different now Day.

There's one more.

- From our family to yours, Happy January.

- Okay, so that sort of
feels like that covers that.

So Bianca was sort of
tip-typing there, so, very good.

- You've got a lot going on.
- No, no.

- You got more going on than me.

- You know.
- And I'm the Fourth Witch.

- Okay.
(Fourth Witch laughs)

- I'm the Fourth Witch.

- Okay, well, you know that's-

- Coming to a theater near you.

- Which theater?
- I'm touring the Elysian,

so I've got one booked this year

and they said if it goes
well, I can do another one.

- So that's not a tour,
you know that, right?

- The Elysian said if it
goes well, it can go again.

- We actually have the,
the poster for your show.

You've got one tour date and
then a bunch of question marks-

- Yes.
- Under there.

- Yeah, those question marks
are just TBD, the other dates.

- You got goofy props, I'll give you that.

- That's right.

So here's the new format I'm working on.

There's something in comedy.

- Okay?
- It's called improv.

- Sure.
- People like it.

Normally people think my
jokes are improv. They're not.

- Okay.

- This is the improv part of
the show. We make that clear.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna go knock, knock

and instead of "Who's there?"

You go, "It's blank."
- Okay.

- And then I will do a joke.
- Sure.

All right, well let's try it.

Okay.

- Knock, knock.

- It's a postman.

- I hope you've got mail
for me and no bills for you.

(Fourth Witch laughs)
- Why would a mailman...

Why would a mailman have
bills for themselves?

Unless they live in
your building, I guess.

- He lives in my building.

- The mailman lives in your building?

- In the world of the joke.
- But you didn't explain

any of that in the joke.

- It's a punchline. It's clear.

It's a clear punchline.

- I would argue that that's
not a clear punchline.

- You extrapolated correctly.

- No, let's do one more and
I'm not gonna explain it

and you're gonna explain it.

- Knock, knock.

- It's a...

It's, uh, it's three horses.

- Where's the fourth one?

There's a fourth one. He's funny, huh?

- Okay, so-
- And you left him behind.

- Right, that one was clear, actually.

It wasn't so much a joke,
but sort of made sense.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey.

Hey. Come on now.

Do some more props, right?

- Yeah, let's get another
prop. Let's lighten it up.

- I would love to see that.
- I'm the funny one.

We gotta lighten this up.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

- You sort of like wanna be a part

of your sisters still after all this time?

- No, it's just the only family I've got,

you know what I mean? But
I wanna do it on my terms.

I want them to see me as me.

As who I really am.
- Right.

- We're at Joshua Tree National Park.

Ugh, bouldering's hard.

(Fourth Witch laughing)

- Okay, so your nails are two
people that are climbing up

and you're just saying,
"Bouldering's hard?"

- Bouldering's hard.
- Okay, I think-

(Fourth Witch laughing)

I don't think we need any more prop jokes.

Do you think we need more prop jokes?

(crew clapping)

- All right.

Yeah, I'll see you all
at the Elysian, I'm sure.

- That looks...

That smells haunted.

- Okay, we're in kindergarten.
- Okay.

- I can't read.

(Fourth Witch laughing)

- So just the joke is that
kindergartners can't read yet?

- Got 'em.
- Okay, well.

That's that one there and I think that-

- That one's from the special,

so if you come, you'll see it again.

- And I think that that
was the final one, right?

- Nope, let's go again, huh?
- And one more.

- Let's go again.
- So we are doing one more.

- Oh, what is that?
- That's sort of a...

- Let's get it closer to my eyes.

- From what I'm seeing,
sort of a sharp stone.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a single mom and I have seven boys.

- Okay.

- Gosh. Gosh, guys, get ready for school.

Gosh, how many sandwiches
can seven boys eat? Jeez.

(Fourth Witch laughing)

- That one, there wasn't
even like a punchline,

it was just a situation.

- Situational comedy.

- Yes, there was not really
a point in her being single

or a point in all of them being boys?

- Well, I'm single.

- Do you have seven boys?

No?
- No.

- And I think we are absolutely done.

Director is saying we do need one more.

- Bring it in here.
- Oh, yikes.

Okay, so that is, that
looks like a small brain.

And it is sticky.

- Okay, cool. We're in the Garden of Eden.

We're in the Garden of Eden.

- Do you need me to participate in this?

- Don't touch it.

Don't eat it, don't touch it.

- Oh.

- Don't you dare eat it or touch it.

Then you do.

- Then I do it?

- Then you do it.

- It's a brain. Why would
I eat it or touch it?

- Not in the scene.
- Not in the scene?

- The prop is a fruit.

- All of the other stuff you brought,

the point of having a prop
is that it is what it is.

- This one's a misdirect.

Now we've stretched it out

and no one's gonna laugh anymore.

- Is it even a pun on the fact

that it's like the tree of knowledge?

No, I feel like I said that.

It didn't seem like that was
something that you set up.

- You get all of my jokes

and yet you still hate them.
- Okay, you know what?

- What did you want me to do?

We're on a golf course.

Yeah, yeah. I'm good with that merger.

Fore!

You probably liked that better, huh?

- Witch Number Four,

I have a few rapid fire questions for you,

if that's all right.
- I have a stage name.

- Okay, well, Witch Number
Four, what is your stage name?

- Serena Williams.

I'm 3000 years old. I got there first.

Apparently there's another
one, but I'm SAG registered.

- But at this point I think, you know,

the SEO is not looking
good for you, right?

- Shoot.

- It's fine.

I'm sure, you know, you're here

and so that's gonna have some reach.

- A lot of people watch this, huh?

- Well, you know-

- [Fourth Witch] A lot of
people watching this show.

- Well, you know, it's
sort of in clips sometimes,

so we'll make sure, but
we'll clip, clip this part.

- Should we curse Serena
Williams, the other one?

- I think we shouldn't
curse Serena Williams,

maybe on camera here?

- Sounds good.
- You are easy to convince.

- I mean.
- I feel respected.

- If you trust me, I trust you.

- Do you mean that?
- Yeah.

- Why?

- Because it feels like, you know,

something about us on the outside,

we don't look alike at all.

- No.

- But on the inside, I
think we look the same.

I've got a prop comic joke for you here.

We're on the set of your show.

- Yeah.

- This says whatever you
want it to say on it.

- So your joke is just
I can continue doing

what I'm doing?

- You're empowered.
- Right, okay, well.

(Kimia laughs)

- Tiny joke.
- Okay.

(soft upbeat music)

Do you prefer texting or calling?

- Can't text.
- With the nails?

- Yeah.

- Do you ever consider cutting them?

- You sound like my ex-wife.

- All right. (chuckles)

What is your idea of fun?

What do you do? It's a Saturday night.

You're sitting at home.

- Pop on one of my favorite specials.

- And what is it?
- It's that guy.

He does prop comedy.

- Carrot Top?

- No. More famous.

- I'm thinking of somebody

that's deeply canceled at this point.

- That's him.
- Really?

- Pop that on every Saturday night.

- Everybody's got their thing.

- Yeah.
- Right.

- Mm-hm.

- Last but not least a question that I ask

each and every one of my guests.

- Okay.
- What is the meaning of life?

- Joy.

- Joy?
- Joy.

- Do your thing, no matter what.

Do your thing no matter
who, nobody cares. Nobody...

(Fourth Witch choking)

- Giving yourself the-
(Fourth Witch laughing)

Giving yourself the cane.
- It was too sappy.

(Fourth Witch laughing)

- Okay, that was sort of, that was a pun.

I'll take it because
there's sap in a tree.

- What?
- Huh?

Was that the joke you were making

was 'cause they're sap in a tree?

- Mm-hm.

Now let me ask you a question.

- Okay.

- What's the meaning of life?
- What is this, an impression?

- I'll do an impression of you.

- Okay, well, you know.

- Pretend I'm in an ugly suit.

What's the meaning of life?

- No, that's not funny.
- No, that's not funny.

- Now you're copying me.
- Now you're copying me.

- Okay, so.
- So.

- No, I don't know, no.

I did that right now, but I don't do that.

- I don't do that.

- Okay, if I answer, will you stop?

- Okay, if I answer, will you stop?

- Okay, what is the meaning of life?

- Hmm?

- Like, you know, being, being in charge.

That'd be the answer to anybody.

- You can do this. Yeah.

- It's when your stupid
stepdaughter's like,

"You have to have this
like hacky prop comic on,"

and even though you wanted to talk about

sort of like spells and stuff like that,

and that was like the cool thing

that people were actually interested in,

you're gonna talk about jokes
for like an hour, right?

- Okay. That's okay.

You can do things you wanna do.

(whispers)
- I can't.

- Yes you can.

Yes you can.
- She won't let me.

- We can get rid of her.

- We can get rid of her?
- I can do a curse.

- You can't.
- I can curse her if you want.

- She won't know it came from me?

- She won't know.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Wayward Sisters, here we are.

We all share the same weird scar.

I am going to do a curse
on Bianca. She's the worst.

This curse, it comes from Vic

and Vic hopes it makes you sick

and then you are throwing
up in a place that is funny.

- Did it work?

Did it work?

Bianca, are you not feeling well?

Oh, is your tummy hurting?

Why don't you go wait in the
car, and you go wait in the car

and then I'll be in there

so you can drive me home later, okay?

Yeah, you feel better.

(Vic laughs)

Come on!

Come on!

- Ah, you're feeling good.

- You were like, "Curse, curse, curse,"

And I was like, "Okay,
maybe I do jokes now."

- Oh my god.
- Right? Maybe I do jokes now.

Okay. Why don't we fly in a prop?

- Wow.
- We can fly in a prop.

- Fly in a prop.
- Oh my god.

I feel like electric.
- You can open for me.

- Okay, okay. Ah, okay.

Wow.

Here's, okay, okay, ready? Ready?

- Yep. Go ahead.

- We're at the MSNBC
sort of executive offices

and we're at one of the
conference room floors.

- Great.
- Okay.

Hi, my name is Vic Michaelis

and I would do anything to get

A-head.

So...

I'm Vic Michaelis reminding
you to be true to yourself,

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight.

That one was good.
(upbeat theme music)

(upbeat theme music continues)

(upbeat theme music continues)

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