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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,965 --> 00:00:09,758 ( piano music ) 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:15,097 - Our Father, which art in heaven... 5 00:00:15,139 --> 00:00:18,100 ( yawns ) 6 00:00:18,142 --> 00:00:21,520 ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪ 7 00:00:21,562 --> 00:00:23,564 ♪ That God's not even with us ♪ 8 00:00:23,605 --> 00:00:26,108 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 9 00:00:27,943 --> 00:00:31,321 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 10 00:00:31,363 --> 00:00:33,949 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 11 00:00:33,991 --> 00:00:36,827 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 12 00:00:38,454 --> 00:00:43,459 ♪ Now I say, good for God ♪ 13 00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:49,214 ♪ Good for God ♪ 14 00:00:49,256 --> 00:00:51,717 ♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪ 15 00:00:51,759 --> 00:00:54,720 ♪ And all the thanks he gets from you ♪ 16 00:00:54,762 --> 00:01:00,142 ♪ Just look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 17 00:01:00,184 --> 00:01:04,897 ♪ Good for God ♪ 18 00:01:04,938 --> 00:01:10,027 ♪ I bet His life up there is very hard ♪ 19 00:01:10,069 --> 00:01:12,529 ♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪ 20 00:01:12,571 --> 00:01:15,324 ♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪ 21 00:01:15,365 --> 00:01:20,871 ♪ Good for God ♪ 22 00:01:20,913 --> 00:01:25,626 ♪ Good for God ♪ 23 00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:30,964 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪ 24 00:01:31,006 --> 00:01:34,134 ♪ Ain't got no Mama ♪ 25 00:01:34,176 --> 00:01:36,136 ♪ Ain't got no Papa ♪ 26 00:01:36,178 --> 00:01:41,225 ♪ Good for God. ♪ 27 00:01:46,313 --> 00:01:48,690 ( snoring ) 28 00:02:04,790 --> 00:02:06,583 ( alarm rings ) 29 00:02:15,676 --> 00:02:17,427 ( rooster yawns ) 30 00:02:22,349 --> 00:02:24,601 ( rooster clears throat ) 31 00:02:24,643 --> 00:02:26,770 ( rooster crows ) 32 00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:40,075 ( snoring ) 33 00:02:43,036 --> 00:02:44,621 - Hmm? 34 00:02:51,628 --> 00:02:54,798 Good morning, God. It's me, Ambrose. 35 00:02:56,717 --> 00:02:59,094 Oops. Oh, dear 36 00:02:59,136 --> 00:03:03,682 Sorry I'm a bit behind today, but the rooster went off late. 37 00:03:03,724 --> 00:03:06,685 Thank You for sparing me for another day. 38 00:03:06,727 --> 00:03:09,980 But, of course, that goes without saying, doesn't it? 39 00:03:10,022 --> 00:03:13,108 Except it doesn't, You see, because in Your book, 40 00:03:13,150 --> 00:03:16,945 it commands us to give constant thanks day and night. 41 00:03:16,987 --> 00:03:20,574 I can't imagine why You'd want anyone to keep thanking You 42 00:03:20,616 --> 00:03:23,076 for all eternity, I mean, day and night. 43 00:03:23,118 --> 00:03:25,996 I should-- I should think You'd be bored with it by now. 44 00:03:26,038 --> 00:03:29,541 I know I would. 45 00:03:29,583 --> 00:03:31,960 I mean, it's not as if You're insecure or anything, 46 00:03:32,002 --> 00:03:35,339 or even as if You had an identity problem. 47 00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:37,007 I mean, after all, 48 00:03:37,049 --> 00:03:39,676 You made me in Your own image, didn't You? 49 00:03:41,470 --> 00:03:44,014 I can't imagine You looking like that somehow. 50 00:03:44,056 --> 00:03:45,974 Still... 51 00:03:48,143 --> 00:03:50,646 You made me on the morning of the sixth day. 52 00:03:50,687 --> 00:03:53,440 That was Saturday. 53 00:03:53,482 --> 00:03:55,442 Well, You might have had a rough Friday night. 54 00:03:55,484 --> 00:03:56,652 Who knows? 55 00:03:59,780 --> 00:04:02,074 Anyway, can't stand around here talking. 56 00:04:02,115 --> 00:04:03,617 You don't wanna hear my problems. 57 00:04:03,659 --> 00:04:04,952 I'm sure You've got problems of Your own. 58 00:04:06,578 --> 00:04:11,041 So, uh, I'll see You tomorrow, eh? 59 00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,542 I mean, I'll be here, 60 00:04:12,584 --> 00:04:14,211 and, uh, well, I'll know You'll be there. 61 00:04:14,253 --> 00:04:18,298 If, um, I'm not here, well, I'll be there. 62 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:20,634 By the way, uh, have a nice day and amen. 63 00:04:20,676 --> 00:04:22,594 Oof. 64 00:04:27,683 --> 00:04:29,685 Oof. 65 00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:55,961 ( snoring ) 66 00:05:01,550 --> 00:05:05,012 ( coughing, yawning ) 67 00:05:05,053 --> 00:05:06,555 ( fly buzzes ) 68 00:05:32,914 --> 00:05:34,791 - Shh. 69 00:05:39,629 --> 00:05:41,923 ( muffled scream ) 70 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:53,602 ( church bell rings ) 71 00:05:55,937 --> 00:05:57,564 ( shoes creak ) 72 00:06:01,735 --> 00:06:03,612 ( knuckles crack ) 73 00:06:09,076 --> 00:06:11,745 ( belly grumbles ) 74 00:06:40,482 --> 00:06:44,236 ( church bell rings ) 75 00:06:53,662 --> 00:06:56,581 ( monks moaning, coughing ) 76 00:07:06,967 --> 00:07:08,718 ( sighing ) 77 00:07:29,865 --> 00:07:32,367 ( monks chanting ) 78 00:07:32,409 --> 00:07:35,328 - Oh, there you are, Ambrose. 79 00:07:35,370 --> 00:07:36,538 Tell me something. 80 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,540 You are happy here, aren't you? 81 00:07:38,582 --> 00:07:41,209 Hmm? You are happy. 82 00:07:41,251 --> 00:07:43,628 Oh, I beg your pardon. I forgot. 83 00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:46,798 Yes, of course, you have my permission to speak, of course. 84 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,050 - I think I'm happy, Father. I don't know. 85 00:07:49,092 --> 00:07:51,011 It's-- it's the only world I've ever known. 86 00:07:51,052 --> 00:07:54,681 - I think it's glorious at your age and still celibate. 87 00:07:54,723 --> 00:07:56,433 - I was celibate again last night, Father. 88 00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:57,559 - Good, who with? 89 00:07:57,601 --> 00:08:00,312 - Myself, three times. 90 00:08:00,353 --> 00:08:03,440 - Oh, careful. Four would be pride. 91 00:08:03,482 --> 00:08:05,233 - No. No, I'm happy here, Father. 92 00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:05,859 It's my-- it's my home. 93 00:08:05,859 --> 00:08:08,695 - You never wished to visit another world? 94 00:08:08,737 --> 00:08:10,489 You-- you never think you'd like to know 95 00:08:10,530 --> 00:08:13,116 what's going on outside these walls? 96 00:08:13,158 --> 00:08:16,286 - Father, why-- why are you asking me all this now? 97 00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:20,165 - 'Cause we're sending you on a mission, out there. 98 00:08:21,875 --> 00:08:23,418 - Oh, why-- why-- why me? 99 00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:25,629 - Well, you see, we've fallen on hard times. 100 00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:27,756 And when we renounced the material world, 101 00:08:27,797 --> 00:08:30,800 and we ask God for nothing, and in His benevolence, 102 00:08:30,842 --> 00:08:33,929 He gave us nothing immediately and ever since. 103 00:08:33,970 --> 00:08:37,057 - But Father, we-- we-- we took a vow of poverty. 104 00:08:37,098 --> 00:08:38,391 - Oh, we know. 105 00:08:38,433 --> 00:08:39,935 The price of poverty's gone up. 106 00:08:39,976 --> 00:08:42,938 We can't afford the luxury of being poor anymore. 107 00:08:42,979 --> 00:08:47,067 Besides, the landlords, they want $5,000 off the mortgage. 108 00:08:47,108 --> 00:08:49,027 - But where can we get that kind of money, Father? 109 00:08:49,069 --> 00:08:50,654 We-- we live by charity. 110 00:08:50,695 --> 00:08:52,739 - You're going to save us. 111 00:08:52,781 --> 00:08:54,449 You are going to get us the money. 112 00:08:54,491 --> 00:08:56,326 - How-- how could I? 113 00:08:56,368 --> 00:08:56,910 How... - I'll tell you how. 114 00:08:56,952 --> 00:09:00,789 You go and visit Armageddon T. Thunderbird. 115 00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:04,543 Armageddon T. Thunderbird, he's a holy man, 116 00:09:04,584 --> 00:09:07,587 a philanthropist, gives money to worthy causes. 117 00:09:07,629 --> 00:09:10,006 You state your case well, and you'll get the money. 118 00:09:10,048 --> 00:09:11,925 There's his address. There's his address. 119 00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:13,969 - Father, I'm-- I'm-- I'm afraid. I've never been outside. 120 00:09:14,010 --> 00:09:15,845 I'm-- I'm not worthy. I mean-- 121 00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:17,138 - Well, then you'll have to have some money. 122 00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:19,224 I'll give you $50. That's all we've got. 123 00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:20,642 There you are. You take it. 124 00:09:20,684 --> 00:09:23,144 - Ca-- Can I have time to think it over? 125 00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:27,232 - Yes, my son, you'll have plenty of time to think about it. 126 00:09:27,274 --> 00:09:30,694 - You see, Father, I've just never been inside the outside world. 127 00:09:30,735 --> 00:09:32,988 And-- 128 00:09:33,029 --> 00:09:34,281 Help! 129 00:09:34,322 --> 00:09:35,282 ( knocks on door ) 130 00:09:35,323 --> 00:09:38,285 Let me in. I'm innocent. 131 00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:39,286 I'm innocent. 132 00:09:39,327 --> 00:09:40,745 - Bless you, my son. 133 00:09:40,787 --> 00:09:42,247 Thank you for making the right decision. 134 00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:45,000 - Let me in. - God bless, God speed. 135 00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:46,626 Vaya con Dios. 136 00:09:46,668 --> 00:09:48,878 - Please, Father. - Have a nice day. 137 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,631 - Let me in. 138 00:09:51,673 --> 00:09:53,675 ( Ambrose cries ) 139 00:11:04,996 --> 00:11:06,539 - Whoa! 140 00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:12,629 ( yells ) 141 00:11:16,549 --> 00:11:19,552 ( panting ) 142 00:11:22,597 --> 00:11:25,058 ( vehicle approaches ) 143 00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,768 ( honks ) 144 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,586 ( tires screech ) 145 00:12:10,270 --> 00:12:11,896 ( tires screech ) 146 00:12:13,064 --> 00:12:14,524 ( bells chime ) 147 00:12:15,775 --> 00:12:17,652 - Greetings, companion in Christ. 148 00:12:17,694 --> 00:12:19,738 Yes, I'm talkin' to you, Jim. 149 00:12:19,779 --> 00:12:22,824 Is it not written that those who are cast down shall be raised up? 150 00:12:22,866 --> 00:12:24,325 Arise and behold. 151 00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:25,660 ( bell rings ) 152 00:12:25,702 --> 00:12:30,290 The chariot of the Lord awaiteth. 153 00:12:30,331 --> 00:12:32,375 Haul thine ass aboard. 154 00:12:32,417 --> 00:12:33,835 - Oh, thank you. 155 00:12:35,211 --> 00:12:38,256 ( bus backfires ) 156 00:12:42,510 --> 00:12:45,889 - This really is very kind of you. 157 00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:50,101 - Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, evangelist, doctor of divinity, 158 00:12:50,143 --> 00:12:52,604 wandering scholar, 159 00:12:52,645 --> 00:12:55,064 licensed purveyor of religious novelties. 160 00:12:55,106 --> 00:12:58,026 - Oh, Father Ambrose, monk. 161 00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:00,195 - Welcome to my church. 162 00:13:02,030 --> 00:13:03,823 - This really is a church then? 163 00:13:03,865 --> 00:13:06,868 - Ah, yes, a traveling church. 164 00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:07,660 - My goodness. 165 00:13:07,702 --> 00:13:11,790 - Like the missionaries of old, I sally forth across the land, 166 00:13:11,831 --> 00:13:14,501 laying the word on the good people. 167 00:13:14,542 --> 00:13:16,294 - That sounds wonderful. 168 00:13:16,336 --> 00:13:18,922 - Ah, then would you care for a blast, my son? 169 00:13:18,963 --> 00:13:20,256 - Uh. 170 00:13:20,298 --> 00:13:21,633 - It's a fine holy wine. 171 00:13:21,674 --> 00:13:23,593 I-- I-- 172 00:13:23,635 --> 00:13:25,845 oh, you'll be amused by its humility. 173 00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:26,596 - Uh, no thanks. 174 00:13:26,638 --> 00:13:30,892 No, uh, I never drink, except of course after the wafer. 175 00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:31,935 - Ah. 176 00:13:31,976 --> 00:13:33,561 Quite right. 177 00:13:33,603 --> 00:13:35,355 Unwise to celebrate the Lord on an empty stomach. 178 00:13:35,396 --> 00:13:36,356 ( car honks ) 179 00:13:36,397 --> 00:13:38,107 ( yelling ) 180 00:13:38,149 --> 00:13:38,858 - Same to you, fella. 181 00:13:40,985 --> 00:13:46,074 - Up thine, and thy mother's, and thy mother's mother's. 182 00:13:46,115 --> 00:13:48,910 - Peace. - Peace. 183 00:13:48,952 --> 00:13:50,954 - Ah, Aha, yes. 184 00:13:50,995 --> 00:13:52,872 - You're bound, I take it, for the city of Los Angeles. 185 00:13:52,914 --> 00:13:54,123 - Yeah. 186 00:13:54,165 --> 00:13:55,917 - Ah, yes, the City of lost angels, 187 00:13:55,959 --> 00:13:57,961 so many wonderful sinners there. 188 00:13:58,002 --> 00:14:03,216 ♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪ 189 00:14:03,258 --> 00:14:07,428 ♪ Marching on to war ♪ 190 00:14:07,470 --> 00:14:11,349 ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪ 191 00:14:11,391 --> 00:14:15,603 ♪ Marching on before... ♪ 192 00:14:15,645 --> 00:14:17,188 ( bus backfires ) 193 00:14:22,318 --> 00:14:25,530 - Oh, yes, you will. 194 00:14:25,572 --> 00:14:28,241 The Lord's work is never done. 195 00:14:28,283 --> 00:14:29,742 Right there. Good. 196 00:14:29,784 --> 00:14:31,786 Move 'em. Here we go. 197 00:14:31,828 --> 00:14:34,539 Right there. 198 00:14:34,581 --> 00:14:36,749 This is as far as I go. 199 00:14:36,791 --> 00:14:38,334 - Thank you, Dr. Melmoth. You've been very kind. 200 00:14:38,376 --> 00:14:39,794 - Ha ha. Don't mention it. 201 00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:40,587 Don't mention it. 202 00:14:40,587 --> 00:14:45,049 Oh, do me a favor, will you, and help these tired old legs. 203 00:14:45,091 --> 00:14:46,259 Pick it up, will you, please? - Certainly, Dr. Melmoth. 204 00:14:46,301 --> 00:14:47,844 - Freeze. Don't move a muscle. 205 00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:49,554 I don't want your money, my son. 206 00:14:49,596 --> 00:14:51,431 No, I'm not interested in material things. 207 00:14:51,472 --> 00:14:52,432 - What are you talking about? W-- 208 00:14:52,473 --> 00:14:53,099 - Shut up and don't argue. 209 00:14:53,141 --> 00:14:55,435 If I see human suffering, it is my duty to help 210 00:14:55,476 --> 00:14:58,229 if I can without thought to material or personal gain. 211 00:14:58,271 --> 00:15:01,274 And now, my son, how long have you been thus afflicted? 212 00:15:01,316 --> 00:15:02,734 - Afflicted? I-- what-- what are you talkin' about? 213 00:15:02,775 --> 00:15:03,860 ( muffled speech ) 214 00:15:03,902 --> 00:15:05,111 - Since childhood. 215 00:15:05,153 --> 00:15:07,614 Now I claim no powers for myself. 216 00:15:07,655 --> 00:15:08,615 The Lord works through my hand. 217 00:15:08,656 --> 00:15:10,158 - Hey... 218 00:15:10,199 --> 00:15:13,995 - I will make this wretched creature walk upright. 219 00:15:14,037 --> 00:15:17,498 Do you feel the power coursing through you? 220 00:15:17,540 --> 00:15:19,125 Do you feel the electricity? 221 00:15:19,167 --> 00:15:20,627 - Let me go, please. Please let me go. 222 00:15:20,668 --> 00:15:22,712 - Ooh, do you believe? Ooh, do you believe? 223 00:15:22,754 --> 00:15:25,131 - Let me-- - Out devil spirit, heal. 224 00:15:25,173 --> 00:15:26,132 ( crowd gasps ) 225 00:15:26,174 --> 00:15:28,593 - See? He stands. 226 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:30,720 Oh, Jesus, it's a miracle. 227 00:15:30,762 --> 00:15:32,639 He stands up straight. 228 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,766 Take your money, son. The Lord doesn't want it. 229 00:15:34,807 --> 00:15:38,186 He doesn't need it. He's made you whole. 230 00:15:38,227 --> 00:15:42,440 Praise the Lord. Walk in the Lord, my son. 231 00:15:42,482 --> 00:15:43,566 ( crowd murmurs ) 232 00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:45,318 - Walk, run, beat it. 233 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,986 It's a miracle. 234 00:15:47,028 --> 00:15:48,279 Step right up, sinners. 235 00:15:48,321 --> 00:15:50,448 Take a miracle home with you. 236 00:15:50,490 --> 00:15:54,577 Get your levitating Lazarus doll. 237 00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:59,582 See him rise from the dead in the privacy of your own home. 238 00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:02,043 - Hello, kiddies, I'm Lazarus. 239 00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:03,544 I'm alive again. 240 00:16:03,586 --> 00:16:06,005 Why don't you stand up for Jesus? 241 00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:08,132 ( music plays ) 242 00:16:08,174 --> 00:16:10,802 - ♪ The other day a friend of mine said ♪ 243 00:16:10,843 --> 00:16:13,721 ♪ He said that God's not even with us ♪ 244 00:16:13,763 --> 00:16:17,767 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 245 00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:21,270 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 246 00:16:21,312 --> 00:16:23,690 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 247 00:16:23,731 --> 00:16:26,859 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 248 00:16:28,528 --> 00:16:33,866 ♪ Now I said good for God ♪ 249 00:16:33,908 --> 00:16:35,284 ♪ Good for God ♪ 250 00:16:35,326 --> 00:16:36,661 ( chanting ) 251 00:16:39,622 --> 00:16:41,916 ♪ He goes and makes this planet blue ♪ 252 00:16:41,958 --> 00:16:44,502 ♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪ 253 00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:47,922 ♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 254 00:16:49,966 --> 00:16:54,762 ♪ Good for God ♪ 255 00:16:54,804 --> 00:17:00,226 ♪ I bet His life up there was very hard ♪ 256 00:17:00,268 --> 00:17:02,729 ♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪ 257 00:17:02,770 --> 00:17:05,189 ♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪ 258 00:17:05,231 --> 00:17:07,608 ♪ Good for God ♪ 259 00:17:07,650 --> 00:17:10,737 - Also, we must wait for the son to return 260 00:17:10,778 --> 00:17:15,575 before we can have... - ♪ Good for God ♪ 261 00:17:15,616 --> 00:17:19,495 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job... ♪ 262 00:17:19,537 --> 00:17:21,247 - Unh. 263 00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:23,541 - ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪ 264 00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:26,502 ♪ He made it possible for me to be here this day ♪ 265 00:17:26,544 --> 00:17:30,506 ♪ Good for God ♪ 266 00:17:30,548 --> 00:17:32,008 Instrumental... 267 00:17:32,050 --> 00:17:34,927 - ♪ Good for God... ♪ 268 00:17:34,969 --> 00:17:36,554 - ♪ Good Lord... ♪ 269 00:17:36,596 --> 00:17:41,309 - ♪ Good for God... ♪ 270 00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:42,810 - ♪ Now if true is true ♪ 271 00:17:42,852 --> 00:17:45,021 ♪ It's easier to know the truth ♪ 272 00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:46,689 ♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪ 273 00:17:46,731 --> 00:17:51,652 ♪ Good for God ♪ 274 00:17:51,694 --> 00:17:57,200 ♪ Say good for God ♪ 275 00:17:57,241 --> 00:17:59,160 ♪ Good for God ♪ 276 00:17:59,202 --> 00:18:01,037 ( gasps ) 277 00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:02,663 ( screams ) 278 00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:07,960 - Uh, excuse me, sir, you dropped your photo-- 279 00:18:08,002 --> 00:18:10,046 your photos-- 280 00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:11,047 They aren't mine. They-- they were his. 281 00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,340 They were his. 282 00:18:12,381 --> 00:18:15,176 I-- I wouldn't-- I mean, I-- oh, my God. 283 00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:20,515 - ♪ Good for God ♪ 284 00:18:20,556 --> 00:18:22,225 ♪ Now if true is true ♪ 285 00:18:22,266 --> 00:18:24,143 ♪ And it's easy if you know the truth ♪ 286 00:18:24,185 --> 00:18:26,395 ♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪ 287 00:18:26,437 --> 00:18:31,317 ♪ Good for God ♪ 288 00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:37,073 ♪ Say good for God ♪ 289 00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:42,286 ♪ Good for God ♪ 290 00:18:42,328 --> 00:18:43,412 ♪ He's got a hard job ♪ 291 00:18:43,454 --> 00:18:45,456 ♪ Before they put me in a hole ♪ 292 00:18:45,498 --> 00:18:47,583 ♪ I think I gotta find a big loophole ♪ 293 00:18:47,625 --> 00:18:50,169 ♪ Good for me ♪ 294 00:18:50,211 --> 00:18:51,462 ♪ And good for God ♪ 295 00:18:51,504 --> 00:18:52,588 ( police sirens blaring ) 296 00:18:55,716 --> 00:18:57,802 ( chattering, shouting ) 297 00:18:59,428 --> 00:19:00,930 ( car horn honks ) 298 00:19:05,393 --> 00:19:07,687 - Father. Father. 299 00:19:07,728 --> 00:19:10,690 - I-- I'm not a Father. I'm a Brother, sister. 300 00:19:10,731 --> 00:19:12,191 What is it you want? 301 00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:13,860 - The sanctuary of the church. 302 00:19:13,901 --> 00:19:15,153 - Huh? 303 00:19:15,194 --> 00:19:16,821 Oh. 304 00:19:16,863 --> 00:19:18,739 What are you doing under there? 305 00:19:18,781 --> 00:19:20,783 - It's all right. I was brought up in a convent. 306 00:19:20,825 --> 00:19:22,952 Just hide me till the cops go by. 307 00:19:22,994 --> 00:19:23,953 Are they still there? 308 00:19:23,995 --> 00:19:25,329 - Yes. 309 00:19:25,371 --> 00:19:30,626 - Right. Look casual and keep walking. 310 00:19:38,092 --> 00:19:40,469 ( Ambrose hums ) 311 00:19:51,647 --> 00:19:53,232 ( Ambrose whistles ) 312 00:20:05,369 --> 00:20:08,998 - ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪ 313 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,708 ♪ Do, do, da, loo, do ♪ 314 00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:14,003 ♪ Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven? ♪ 315 00:20:14,045 --> 00:20:15,671 ♪ Do, do, da, loo, do... ♪ 316 00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:17,423 - And then the confusion, and-- and the noise. 317 00:20:17,465 --> 00:20:18,799 And-- and people running about. 318 00:20:18,841 --> 00:20:20,801 Well, I've never seen-- oh, well, maybe you have, 319 00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:22,428 but I've never seen anything like this in my life. 320 00:20:22,470 --> 00:20:25,431 And-- and then the way we met, I mean, the way I met you-- 321 00:20:25,473 --> 00:20:27,975 or rather way you met-- the way you met me, I mean. 322 00:20:28,017 --> 00:20:29,185 - Oh, my God. 323 00:20:29,227 --> 00:20:30,269 - What? 324 00:20:30,311 --> 00:20:32,271 - Oh, no. 325 00:20:32,313 --> 00:20:33,940 I just realized how awful it must have been for you 326 00:20:33,981 --> 00:20:36,317 when I dived under your robe like that. 327 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,903 - Well, it was a bit strange. 328 00:20:38,945 --> 00:20:40,821 I mean, I've never met a woman in my life before, 329 00:20:40,863 --> 00:20:44,575 let alone had one on the, uh, premises, 330 00:20:44,617 --> 00:20:45,576 if you know what I mean. 331 00:20:45,618 --> 00:20:47,495 - Oh, come on. - No, honestly. 332 00:20:47,536 --> 00:20:50,706 No, I've seen, uh, pictures in the Bible. 333 00:20:50,748 --> 00:20:53,376 But they wear these loose flowing robes 334 00:20:53,417 --> 00:20:55,836 and you can't tell what they've got underneath. 335 00:20:55,878 --> 00:20:58,047 See, that-- not like with you. 336 00:20:58,089 --> 00:21:02,218 I mean, with-- with you, I can get some idea what you've got. 337 00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:06,180 I-- I mean, you've got legs and-- and bumpy bits. 338 00:21:06,222 --> 00:21:07,598 - What? 339 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,226 - Um, those things, you know. 340 00:21:10,268 --> 00:21:12,603 - Oh, you mean my boobies? 341 00:21:12,645 --> 00:21:14,855 - Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. 342 00:21:14,897 --> 00:21:16,023 - What about them? 343 00:21:16,065 --> 00:21:18,484 - Nothing. 344 00:21:18,526 --> 00:21:19,610 I-- I think they look very well on you. 345 00:21:19,652 --> 00:21:20,945 They suit you. - You really do? 346 00:21:20,987 --> 00:21:22,613 - Oh, yeah. 347 00:21:22,655 --> 00:21:25,241 - 'Cause I always thought they were kinda on the smallish side. 348 00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,243 You know what I mean? - Oh, not to me. 349 00:21:27,285 --> 00:21:28,953 Uh, they're bigger than mine. 350 00:21:28,995 --> 00:21:30,413 - Well... 351 00:21:30,454 --> 00:21:31,872 - No, they look huge-- huge. 352 00:21:31,914 --> 00:21:33,708 - Really? 353 00:21:33,749 --> 00:21:36,002 Gee, it's a very nice thing to say. 354 00:21:36,043 --> 00:21:37,545 - No. - No, it really is. 355 00:21:37,586 --> 00:21:40,047 But, then again, what do you know? 356 00:21:40,089 --> 00:21:41,382 - That's true. 357 00:21:44,468 --> 00:21:47,471 Would you, um, like a taste? 358 00:21:51,058 --> 00:21:52,310 - Mmm. 359 00:21:52,351 --> 00:21:54,186 - Good? - Mmm. 360 00:21:54,228 --> 00:21:56,063 - Think it needs a little more mustard, eh? 361 00:21:56,105 --> 00:21:57,189 - No. - Just-- 362 00:21:57,231 --> 00:21:59,233 - It is just right. 363 00:22:05,364 --> 00:22:07,408 You really are an innocent, aren't you? 364 00:22:08,659 --> 00:22:09,994 - I suppose so. 365 00:22:10,036 --> 00:22:12,538 - It's touching. It really is. 366 00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:15,624 It's touching, in a disgusting kind of way. 367 00:22:17,835 --> 00:22:22,048 - See, I know a lot about the theory of sin. 368 00:22:22,089 --> 00:22:24,550 But I don't know anything about the practice. 369 00:22:24,592 --> 00:22:29,263 I mean, for instance, fornication. 370 00:22:29,305 --> 00:22:30,973 - What? 371 00:22:31,015 --> 00:22:33,225 - The Bible's full of it. 372 00:22:33,267 --> 00:22:35,102 You mustn't do it. It's sinful. 373 00:22:35,144 --> 00:22:36,562 You'll go to hell. 374 00:22:36,604 --> 00:22:39,023 But it doesn't tell you how to do it. 375 00:22:39,065 --> 00:22:39,648 So how do you know you're not? 376 00:22:39,690 --> 00:22:41,650 I mean, for all I know, I might be sitting here 377 00:22:41,692 --> 00:22:43,277 right now fornicating. 378 00:22:43,319 --> 00:22:44,737 ( Mary snickers ) 379 00:22:44,779 --> 00:22:46,072 - No, you're not. If you were, I'd tell you. 380 00:22:46,113 --> 00:22:48,032 - Mm-hmm. Thanks. 381 00:22:54,830 --> 00:22:57,917 That couple over there sucking each other's mouth, a-- are-- 382 00:22:57,958 --> 00:22:58,918 - Would you keep it down a little bit? 383 00:22:58,959 --> 00:23:00,002 - Oh, sorry. 384 00:23:00,044 --> 00:23:03,422 Uh, are-- are they fornicating? 385 00:23:04,882 --> 00:23:07,218 - They're kissing. They're just kissing. 386 00:23:07,259 --> 00:23:08,886 - Kissing. - That's phase one. 387 00:23:08,928 --> 00:23:09,428 - Ah. 388 00:23:09,470 --> 00:23:11,555 - See, now-- now when they get home, 389 00:23:11,597 --> 00:23:13,182 they'll probably move into phase two. 390 00:23:13,224 --> 00:23:17,770 - Oh, you fornicate in phases. 391 00:23:17,812 --> 00:23:19,480 - Oh, yeah, that is, if you're not pressed for time. 392 00:23:19,522 --> 00:23:20,064 - Ah. 393 00:23:20,106 --> 00:23:23,901 - See, sex-- sex is very much like a meal. 394 00:23:23,943 --> 00:23:24,819 I'll show you. 395 00:23:26,153 --> 00:23:28,155 See this menu? 396 00:23:28,197 --> 00:23:28,906 If you were gonna order a meal, right? 397 00:23:28,948 --> 00:23:30,741 - Mm-hmm. 398 00:23:30,783 --> 00:23:31,450 - You wouldn't go right for the main course, would you? 399 00:23:31,492 --> 00:23:33,786 Wouldn't you like to have a little appetizer first? 400 00:23:33,828 --> 00:23:35,663 - Maybe. 401 00:23:35,704 --> 00:23:37,748 - You know, like, uh, a little chopped liver? 402 00:23:37,790 --> 00:23:38,958 - Oh, uh-huh. 403 00:23:38,999 --> 00:23:40,459 - It's an appetizer. That's kissing. 404 00:23:40,501 --> 00:23:43,379 That's what kissing is. 405 00:23:43,421 --> 00:23:44,672 Chopped liver. - Chopped liver. 406 00:23:44,713 --> 00:23:46,841 - Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, that's all. 407 00:23:46,882 --> 00:23:48,592 - Chopped liver. 408 00:23:48,634 --> 00:23:49,927 - Good. Chopped liver. 409 00:23:49,969 --> 00:23:50,970 - Number one, chopped liver. 410 00:23:51,011 --> 00:23:53,514 Phase one. - Phase one. 411 00:23:56,267 --> 00:23:58,477 - I wonder-- I wonder if you would do me a great favor. 412 00:23:58,519 --> 00:23:59,270 - What? 413 00:23:59,270 --> 00:24:04,066 - Well, you see, if all these phases lead to fornication, 414 00:24:04,108 --> 00:24:07,486 um, would you mind writing down all the things 415 00:24:07,528 --> 00:24:11,574 that I must avoid, in the right order? 416 00:24:11,615 --> 00:24:12,825 If it's not too much trouble. 417 00:24:12,867 --> 00:24:15,494 - Oh, no, listen, I'd be glad to do it. 418 00:24:15,536 --> 00:24:19,248 Um, now what you want--you want a list here, right? 419 00:24:19,290 --> 00:24:20,791 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 420 00:24:20,833 --> 00:24:21,792 - Of everything you're not supposed to do. 421 00:24:21,834 --> 00:24:22,793 - Everything to avoid. 422 00:24:22,835 --> 00:24:25,087 - Okay. Um, well, number one... 423 00:24:25,129 --> 00:24:27,506 - Yeah? 424 00:24:27,548 --> 00:24:30,384 - Um, number one, 425 00:24:30,426 --> 00:24:32,303 we went through it already, is kissing, right? 426 00:24:32,344 --> 00:24:33,846 - Kissing. - Right? 427 00:24:33,888 --> 00:24:36,098 So-- right, kissing. 428 00:24:36,140 --> 00:24:38,559 Now, number two, 429 00:24:40,519 --> 00:24:43,731 take hold of the, uh... 430 00:24:43,772 --> 00:24:45,691 - Bumpy bits. 431 00:24:45,733 --> 00:24:49,069 - Yeah. Shh. Take it, but not like that. 432 00:24:49,111 --> 00:24:50,112 You could hurt someone like that. 433 00:24:50,154 --> 00:24:51,655 It's not a claw. 434 00:24:51,697 --> 00:24:54,658 It's a very gentle kind of movement. 435 00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:56,869 You know, it's like a very caressing... 436 00:24:56,911 --> 00:24:59,497 Mmm. Mmm. 437 00:24:59,538 --> 00:25:01,373 - Mmm. - Oh, that's very nice. 438 00:25:01,415 --> 00:25:03,125 - Mmm. - Mmm, that's good. 439 00:25:03,167 --> 00:25:03,918 That's good. That's good. 440 00:25:03,959 --> 00:25:05,169 Okay. 441 00:25:05,211 --> 00:25:06,128 Number two, right. 442 00:25:06,170 --> 00:25:07,463 - Mmm. 443 00:25:07,505 --> 00:25:07,963 - No, it's okay. You can stop that. 444 00:25:08,005 --> 00:25:09,757 Just keep it to yourself. Okay? 445 00:25:09,798 --> 00:25:12,468 - I-- I've got it. - Take hold of the bits. 446 00:25:12,510 --> 00:25:14,053 I'll just put-- you'll remember, right? - Okay. 447 00:25:14,094 --> 00:25:16,764 - Now, number three... - Yeah. 448 00:25:16,805 --> 00:25:19,016 - Now, number three is very technical. 449 00:25:19,058 --> 00:25:21,685 - Yeah. - So I'm gonna draw you a diagram in number three, okay? 450 00:25:21,727 --> 00:25:24,146 - Now, this is a picture of a woman. 451 00:25:24,188 --> 00:25:25,814 - Aha. Yes. I can see the bumpy bits. 452 00:25:25,856 --> 00:25:28,067 - No, those are the puffed sleeves. 453 00:25:28,108 --> 00:25:29,401 She's wearing a dress. - Oh. 454 00:25:29,443 --> 00:25:30,819 - And then you make love. 455 00:25:30,861 --> 00:25:31,946 I don't know why you always get that one wrong. 456 00:25:31,987 --> 00:25:33,239 - Oh. - You get into bed first. 457 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:34,365 - Bed. - Then make love. 458 00:25:34,406 --> 00:25:35,699 - Oh. - Use your logic on that one. 459 00:25:35,741 --> 00:25:37,826 - So my 74 goes where my 75 was. - Yes. 460 00:25:37,868 --> 00:25:39,828 'Cause, you know, making love's supposed to be spontaneous. 461 00:25:39,870 --> 00:25:41,330 Why do you think there are hundreds of books out 462 00:25:41,372 --> 00:25:42,873 on how to do it right? 463 00:25:42,915 --> 00:25:44,750 Well, this is where I live. 464 00:25:44,792 --> 00:25:47,586 - Oh. Oh, good night. 465 00:25:47,628 --> 00:25:50,422 - Yeah. Uh, where you staying tonight? 466 00:25:50,464 --> 00:25:51,757 - Oh, I don't know. I'll find somewhere. 467 00:25:51,799 --> 00:25:52,967 - Sure you'll be all right? 468 00:25:53,008 --> 00:25:54,593 - Oh, yeah. I've got lots of money. 469 00:25:54,635 --> 00:25:56,637 The Abbott gave me more than $50. 470 00:25:56,679 --> 00:25:57,680 I have-- 471 00:26:02,226 --> 00:26:03,352 No more. 472 00:26:03,394 --> 00:26:04,937 - What? 473 00:26:04,979 --> 00:26:06,480 - No, it's nothing. 474 00:26:06,522 --> 00:26:09,108 - Okay. Bye. 475 00:26:09,149 --> 00:26:10,818 - Good night. - Good night. 476 00:26:27,626 --> 00:26:28,836 ( water running ) 477 00:26:28,877 --> 00:26:31,255 ( Mary hums ) 478 00:26:41,682 --> 00:26:45,436 - Number one, chopped liver, kissing. 479 00:26:45,477 --> 00:26:47,146 ( kisses ) 480 00:26:47,187 --> 00:26:49,440 Number two, 481 00:26:49,481 --> 00:26:55,154 mmm, mmm, mmm. 482 00:26:55,195 --> 00:26:57,740 Number three-- number three was... 483 00:26:57,781 --> 00:26:59,908 ( chuckles ) 484 00:26:59,950 --> 00:27:02,036 Oh, so many things to remember to avoid. 485 00:27:02,077 --> 00:27:04,788 Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose. 486 00:27:04,830 --> 00:27:08,083 Sorry to bother You, but if You wanted us 487 00:27:08,125 --> 00:27:11,879 to ignore fleshly sins, why did You make us out of meat? 488 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,714 I mean, You could have made us out of anything. 489 00:27:13,756 --> 00:27:16,300 You could have made us out of burlap, or rubber, 490 00:27:16,342 --> 00:27:19,219 or wood, Jell-O, anything. 491 00:27:19,261 --> 00:27:21,305 ( sighs ) I know. 492 00:27:21,347 --> 00:27:23,015 You work in mysterious ways. 493 00:27:23,057 --> 00:27:24,475 Be we don't. 494 00:27:24,516 --> 00:27:27,436 Human beings, I mean. 495 00:27:27,478 --> 00:27:28,812 - Tomorrow night, I'll take you 496 00:27:28,854 --> 00:27:31,315 to see Armageddon T. Thunderbird if you want. 497 00:27:31,357 --> 00:27:33,025 By the way, what's your name? 498 00:27:33,067 --> 00:27:35,027 - Ambrose. 499 00:27:35,069 --> 00:27:36,654 - Good night, Ambrose. 500 00:27:36,695 --> 00:27:38,656 My name is Mary. 501 00:27:40,324 --> 00:27:42,618 - Mary? 502 00:27:42,660 --> 00:27:44,578 ( grunts ) 503 00:27:47,247 --> 00:27:50,000 I can't stand it anymore. Can't stand it. 504 00:27:53,128 --> 00:27:54,380 ( shower running ) 505 00:27:54,421 --> 00:27:55,881 - What are you doing in there? 506 00:27:55,923 --> 00:27:58,175 - The Abbot said if everything else fails, 507 00:27:58,217 --> 00:28:02,304 cold shower will do it. 508 00:28:02,346 --> 00:28:04,306 Bumpy bits. 509 00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:07,726 Mmm. Mmm. 510 00:28:07,768 --> 00:28:09,269 Ooh. Ooh. 511 00:28:14,316 --> 00:28:16,694 ( organ music plays ) 512 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,388 - Heh. With a chicken. 513 00:28:44,430 --> 00:28:45,347 ( laughing ) 514 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,100 Get out of here, you filthy swine. 515 00:28:48,142 --> 00:28:49,768 Out. 516 00:28:51,353 --> 00:28:53,605 Next. Serving number 12. 517 00:28:57,693 --> 00:28:59,528 Serving number 12. 518 00:29:09,371 --> 00:29:11,415 Kneel down and make it snappy. 519 00:29:11,457 --> 00:29:16,587 Cut the frills and get straight to the meat and potatoes. 520 00:29:16,628 --> 00:29:18,922 - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 521 00:29:18,964 --> 00:29:20,174 - Yes, yes. 522 00:29:20,215 --> 00:29:21,550 ( hearing aid whines ) 523 00:29:21,592 --> 00:29:24,011 Oh-- oh, won't you wh-- whine to me about it. 524 00:29:24,052 --> 00:29:27,347 You want to whine about this, and you whine about that. 525 00:29:27,389 --> 00:29:30,684 And the, uh, oh. 526 00:29:30,726 --> 00:29:32,978 ah, death and transfiguration. 527 00:29:33,020 --> 00:29:35,397 Don't worry about me. 528 00:29:35,439 --> 00:29:38,442 Uh, if you'll just start, and I'll get the-- 529 00:29:38,484 --> 00:29:40,194 I'll get the general drift. 530 00:29:40,235 --> 00:29:44,323 - Last night, Father, I was tormented by an impure thought. 531 00:29:44,364 --> 00:29:45,657 - I can't hear you. 532 00:29:45,699 --> 00:29:49,119 - I said I was tormented by an impure thought. 533 00:29:49,161 --> 00:29:51,997 - Could you-- could you speak up, please? 534 00:29:52,039 --> 00:29:53,874 - I-- it was about Mary. 535 00:29:53,916 --> 00:29:55,542 - What? Louder. 536 00:29:55,584 --> 00:29:58,170 - Mary, I wanted to take her clothes off. 537 00:29:58,212 --> 00:30:00,881 - You wanted to do what? Speak up. I can't hear you! 538 00:30:00,923 --> 00:30:03,175 - I wanted to take her clothes off. 539 00:30:03,217 --> 00:30:04,593 You are mumbling! 540 00:30:04,635 --> 00:30:06,512 - I wanted to take her clothes off 541 00:30:06,553 --> 00:30:08,972 and caress her bumpy bits. 542 00:30:09,014 --> 00:30:10,557 - Her what? - Bits. 543 00:30:10,599 --> 00:30:12,976 Fondly, you know, mmm. 544 00:30:13,018 --> 00:30:16,730 - What? - You know, number three. 545 00:30:16,772 --> 00:30:20,275 And then I wanted to try number 30. 546 00:30:20,317 --> 00:30:24,571 Or-- or-- or maybe do number 15 twice instead. 547 00:30:24,613 --> 00:30:27,241 And then I wanted to take her by the... 548 00:30:27,282 --> 00:30:28,700 ( horns honking ) 549 00:30:28,742 --> 00:30:29,743 And... 550 00:30:29,785 --> 00:30:30,744 ( car horns honking ) 551 00:30:30,786 --> 00:30:33,664 Both her-- again and again 552 00:30:33,705 --> 00:30:37,125 until I was exhausted. 553 00:30:38,335 --> 00:30:40,671 But I'm a monk, Father. 554 00:30:40,712 --> 00:30:42,631 What shall I do? 555 00:30:42,673 --> 00:30:45,717 - I didn't hear a damned word you said. 556 00:30:45,759 --> 00:30:47,302 That'll be, uh... 557 00:30:47,344 --> 00:30:48,846 - I'm afraid I only have, uh... 558 00:30:48,887 --> 00:30:51,098 - Two dollars. Here, I will have that. 559 00:30:51,139 --> 00:30:53,016 Uh, have a nice day. 560 00:30:54,852 --> 00:30:56,728 ( parishioners muttering ) 561 00:31:00,023 --> 00:31:01,733 ( clears throat ) 562 00:31:14,913 --> 00:31:18,083 ( cheering ) 563 00:31:23,797 --> 00:31:25,841 - Do you believe in God? 564 00:31:25,883 --> 00:31:28,886 ( cheering ) 565 00:31:34,308 --> 00:31:37,895 - Announcer: The Church of Divine Profit humbly presents 566 00:31:37,936 --> 00:31:41,815 the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Crusade. 567 00:31:41,857 --> 00:31:46,528 And here he is, God's buddy, A.T.T. himself. 568 00:31:49,990 --> 00:31:52,868 - Do you love God? 569 00:31:52,910 --> 00:31:54,828 - Yes! 570 00:31:54,870 --> 00:31:57,998 - I mean, do you really love God? 571 00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,333 - Yes! 572 00:31:59,374 --> 00:32:01,043 - Has He been good to you? 573 00:32:01,084 --> 00:32:02,711 - Yes. 574 00:32:02,753 --> 00:32:04,421 - I thought so. 575 00:32:04,463 --> 00:32:06,882 And have you been good to Him? 576 00:32:06,924 --> 00:32:08,175 - Yes. 577 00:32:08,216 --> 00:32:09,801 - Oh, really? 578 00:32:09,843 --> 00:32:12,012 - Yes. 579 00:32:12,054 --> 00:32:14,556 - Liars. - No! 580 00:32:14,598 --> 00:32:18,936 - 'Cause I just spoke to Him, and do you have any idea where He is right now? 581 00:32:18,977 --> 00:32:20,520 - No. 582 00:32:20,562 --> 00:32:23,106 - God is in the hospital. 583 00:32:23,148 --> 00:32:25,984 ( crowd gasping ) 584 00:32:26,026 --> 00:32:28,362 - In the Intensive Care Unit. 585 00:32:28,403 --> 00:32:29,905 And do you know who put Him there? 586 00:32:29,947 --> 00:32:31,239 - No. 587 00:32:31,281 --> 00:32:33,533 - Y-O-U. 588 00:32:33,575 --> 00:32:34,743 ( crowd shouting ) 589 00:32:38,789 --> 00:32:40,958 - He-- he looked so pale. 590 00:32:40,999 --> 00:32:42,542 ( crying ) 591 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,469 - Why are you cryin'? 592 00:32:52,511 --> 00:32:53,971 Isn't that what you wanted? 593 00:32:54,012 --> 00:32:55,722 - No! 594 00:32:55,764 --> 00:32:56,890 - Do you wanna see Him pull through? 595 00:32:56,932 --> 00:32:58,725 - Yes! 596 00:32:58,767 --> 00:33:01,728 - All right. I said to Him, I am your servant, Lord. 597 00:33:01,770 --> 00:33:03,522 What do You want? 598 00:33:03,563 --> 00:33:06,566 Everything, Armageddon, everything. 599 00:33:06,608 --> 00:33:09,528 I need money to put it right. 600 00:33:09,569 --> 00:33:13,991 But what will You give them in return? I queried. 601 00:33:14,032 --> 00:33:18,996 And then He said, I will assure them a place forever 602 00:33:19,037 --> 00:33:21,331 in the kingdom of heaven. 603 00:33:21,373 --> 00:33:23,583 ( applause ) 604 00:33:23,625 --> 00:33:27,129 - And that's-- and that's rent free. 605 00:33:27,170 --> 00:33:30,007 Now, doesn't that sound like a good deal? 606 00:33:30,048 --> 00:33:31,675 - Yeah! 607 00:33:31,717 --> 00:33:35,887 - Well, then put thy money where is thy mouth. 608 00:33:35,929 --> 00:33:39,099 And I'm not just askin' the people here in the studio audience. 609 00:33:39,141 --> 00:33:44,062 I'm askin' you, you, and you. 610 00:33:44,104 --> 00:33:47,149 ( music plays ) 611 00:33:47,190 --> 00:33:51,361 - ♪ In God we trust ♪ 612 00:33:51,403 --> 00:33:54,990 ♪ Invest in Him on high ♪ 613 00:33:55,032 --> 00:33:58,785 ♪ God's sweetest buy ♪ 614 00:33:58,827 --> 00:34:03,290 ♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪ 615 00:34:03,331 --> 00:34:06,835 ♪ Each buck you give ♪ 616 00:34:06,877 --> 00:34:11,339 ♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪ 617 00:34:11,381 --> 00:34:15,093 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 618 00:34:15,135 --> 00:34:19,473 ♪ Ten thousandfold, oh, yes ♪ 619 00:34:19,514 --> 00:34:23,185 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 620 00:34:23,226 --> 00:34:28,690 ♪ Ten thousandfold. ♪ 621 00:34:31,109 --> 00:34:32,861 ( chattering ) 622 00:34:38,033 --> 00:34:40,035 - I didn't understand a word he was talking about. 623 00:34:40,077 --> 00:34:42,287 Supposed to be a Christian. 624 00:34:42,329 --> 00:34:44,164 I-- I don't understand. 625 00:34:44,206 --> 00:34:47,459 - This is awfully confusing for you, isn't it? 626 00:34:47,501 --> 00:34:49,586 - It is a bit. 627 00:34:49,628 --> 00:34:53,090 - Well, I think you've had a big day. 628 00:34:53,131 --> 00:34:55,509 And I think you should go to sleep now, okay? 629 00:34:55,550 --> 00:34:57,594 You look sweet in pink. 630 00:34:57,636 --> 00:35:00,138 - Mmm. 631 00:35:00,180 --> 00:35:03,100 I'm gonna go and see him tomorrow. 632 00:35:03,141 --> 00:35:05,519 - You're gonna go see Armageddon? 633 00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:07,020 - Mm-hmm. 634 00:35:07,062 --> 00:35:11,399 When he understands, he'll help. 635 00:35:11,441 --> 00:35:12,442 ( Mary sighs ) 636 00:35:12,484 --> 00:35:14,986 - Poor Ambrose. 637 00:35:15,028 --> 00:35:19,199 I wonder if God will ever forgive you your virtues. 638 00:35:27,457 --> 00:35:29,167 - Excuse me. 639 00:35:38,969 --> 00:35:40,720 ( shower running ) 640 00:36:00,407 --> 00:36:02,033 - Good afternoon. I'd-- I'd like to see Mr. Thunderbird. I-- 641 00:36:02,075 --> 00:36:03,493 - Not today. He's too busy. 642 00:36:03,535 --> 00:36:04,536 - No. I-- I have this letter from-- 643 00:36:04,578 --> 00:36:05,579 from the Abbot. - Get out of here. 644 00:36:05,620 --> 00:36:06,746 - I'm-- I'm one of the meek. 645 00:36:06,788 --> 00:36:08,498 I'm supposed to inherit the Earth. 646 00:36:08,540 --> 00:36:09,708 - You've got it. 647 00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:22,888 - You just don't understand, Ambrose. 648 00:36:22,929 --> 00:36:24,389 - I understand I don't understand. 649 00:36:24,431 --> 00:36:25,724 But what don't I understand? 650 00:36:25,765 --> 00:36:27,601 - Well, the meek may inherit the Earth but not 651 00:36:27,642 --> 00:36:29,352 until the strong are finished with it. 652 00:36:29,394 --> 00:36:31,563 And by that time, it won't even be worth having. 653 00:36:31,605 --> 00:36:32,981 - I'll get in to see him finally. 654 00:36:33,023 --> 00:36:34,191 - But it could take weeks. 655 00:36:34,232 --> 00:36:35,567 - I'll get a job in the meantime. 656 00:36:35,609 --> 00:36:36,109 Look, is there anything in the paper? 657 00:36:36,109 --> 00:36:39,404 - Oh, look, Ambrose, listen. - What? 658 00:36:39,446 --> 00:36:41,072 - You don't need to work. I mean, look, 659 00:36:41,114 --> 00:36:43,325 you could come and stay at my place, right? 660 00:36:43,366 --> 00:36:45,785 I really do make enough money for both of us. 661 00:36:45,827 --> 00:36:47,621 - W-- what do you do? - What? 662 00:36:47,662 --> 00:36:49,956 - Well, for a living, what do you do? 663 00:36:49,998 --> 00:36:52,834 - Oh, uh, I wouldn't even concern myself about that if I were you. 664 00:36:52,876 --> 00:36:56,046 - Well, maybe you could get me a job doing it with you. 665 00:36:56,087 --> 00:36:57,714 - Well, I could look into it. 666 00:36:57,756 --> 00:37:00,008 - I'm good with my hands. 667 00:37:17,484 --> 00:37:20,237 ( chattering in Spanish ) 668 00:37:36,086 --> 00:37:37,754 ( hammering ) 669 00:37:52,018 --> 00:37:53,770 ( bell rings ) 670 00:38:05,198 --> 00:38:07,033 - Hey. Hey. Come back. 671 00:38:07,075 --> 00:38:09,911 Dr. Melmoth. 672 00:38:09,953 --> 00:38:11,579 Philistine. 673 00:38:27,053 --> 00:38:29,472 - All right, monk. 674 00:38:36,146 --> 00:38:39,274 - All right. I'm going. 675 00:38:45,113 --> 00:38:47,907 - Hi. You look so nauseous. 676 00:38:47,949 --> 00:38:50,118 - Thanks, but I feel rotten. 677 00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,746 - Oh, Ambrose, how many times you gonna keep on trying? 678 00:38:52,787 --> 00:38:54,706 - Well, till I get in and see him. 679 00:38:54,748 --> 00:38:56,416 You see, if I could show him the Abbot's letter, 680 00:38:56,458 --> 00:38:57,792 and then I'd-- - I got an idea. 681 00:38:57,834 --> 00:38:59,544 Couldn't you just pray to God for the money? 682 00:38:59,586 --> 00:39:00,170 - No, no. 683 00:39:00,211 --> 00:39:02,714 No, ask for money, and you spoil a friendship. 684 00:39:02,756 --> 00:39:04,466 No, I've gotta see him personally. 685 00:39:04,507 --> 00:39:07,218 Mr. Thunderbird will understand. He's a Christian. 686 00:39:07,260 --> 00:39:10,972 - No, being born in a Christian home doesn't necessarily 687 00:39:11,014 --> 00:39:13,099 make you Christian any more than being born 688 00:39:13,141 --> 00:39:16,019 in a bakery makes you a bagel. - Hmm? 689 00:39:16,061 --> 00:39:18,271 - I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird just isn't even interested 690 00:39:18,313 --> 00:39:19,898 in your old monastery. 691 00:39:19,939 --> 00:39:22,108 - No, no. If I could get in to see him personally, 692 00:39:22,150 --> 00:39:24,444 I'll get in eventually. I'll get in. I'll get in. 693 00:39:24,486 --> 00:39:25,904 - But it could take months. - All right. 694 00:39:25,945 --> 00:39:27,197 In the meantime, I can just get another job. 695 00:39:27,238 --> 00:39:28,573 I mean, what can I lose? 696 00:39:28,615 --> 00:39:31,368 - Nothing, just another job. 697 00:39:32,952 --> 00:39:36,498 - ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪ 698 00:39:36,539 --> 00:39:37,957 ♪ Oh, do, dee, da ♪ 699 00:39:37,999 --> 00:39:41,461 ♪ Every time, do, dee, da, da, dee, la, da, da ♪ 700 00:39:41,503 --> 00:39:44,297 ♪ Oh, dee, dee, dum, da, dum, dum, da, dee, da, dum, dum... ♪ 701 00:39:44,339 --> 00:39:45,673 - Good morning. - Oh, good morning. 702 00:39:45,715 --> 00:39:47,509 - Don't you ever rest? 703 00:39:47,550 --> 00:39:49,052 - I can't afford to lose time. 704 00:39:49,094 --> 00:39:51,137 It's Pasadena by next Wednesday. 705 00:39:51,179 --> 00:39:52,555 That's my schedule. 706 00:39:52,597 --> 00:39:55,016 You know, a man's got to have a goal. 707 00:39:55,058 --> 00:39:57,727 Otherwise, we've got communism. 708 00:39:57,769 --> 00:40:01,856 And I'm tap dancing to keep this great land of ours free. 709 00:40:01,898 --> 00:40:03,691 I'll see you sometime. 710 00:40:03,733 --> 00:40:04,734 - Good luck. - So long. 711 00:40:04,776 --> 00:40:05,735 - Step right up. Step up, sinners. 712 00:40:05,777 --> 00:40:06,361 Step right up and repent. 713 00:40:06,403 --> 00:40:08,863 Do not cop a plea unto the Almighty, saying, 714 00:40:08,905 --> 00:40:10,907 oh, Lord, I'm but a poor sinner. 715 00:40:10,949 --> 00:40:12,659 For the Lord will say unto thee, bullshit, my child. 716 00:40:12,700 --> 00:40:14,744 His eye is on the sparrow, so you can bet your ass 717 00:40:14,786 --> 00:40:17,080 He's got you covered, Jim, and you and you. 718 00:40:17,122 --> 00:40:20,417 So step right up and find the Lord, a buck a throw. 719 00:40:20,458 --> 00:40:22,544 Yes, the Lord is here in my hand. 720 00:40:22,585 --> 00:40:23,586 Everyone wants to find the Lord. 721 00:40:23,628 --> 00:40:25,130 The Lord goes into hiding. 722 00:40:25,171 --> 00:40:26,423 And those who seek him will find him. 723 00:40:26,464 --> 00:40:28,800 Where is he now? Try thy luck. 724 00:40:28,842 --> 00:40:30,802 Find the Lord. Who will find the Lord? 725 00:40:30,844 --> 00:40:31,803 It's a wonderful game. Everybody wins. 726 00:40:31,845 --> 00:40:32,429 Everybody goes to heaven. 727 00:40:32,470 --> 00:40:34,264 Try thy luck, a lousy buck to find the Lord. 728 00:40:34,305 --> 00:40:35,682 Aha. 729 00:40:35,723 --> 00:40:37,183 Ah, yes, sir, and now where is he? 730 00:40:37,225 --> 00:40:39,018 Oh, no, I'm sorry. 731 00:40:39,060 --> 00:40:40,270 The Lord is not there, but a blessing to you, too. 732 00:40:40,311 --> 00:40:41,438 The game continues. 733 00:40:41,479 --> 00:40:41,938 Try thy luck. 734 00:40:41,980 --> 00:40:44,107 - Dr. Melmoth. He stole my money. 735 00:40:44,149 --> 00:40:45,650 - Excuse me. - He's a thief. 736 00:40:45,692 --> 00:40:47,235 - This man is a heretic. Don't listen to him. 737 00:40:47,277 --> 00:40:48,403 He's obviously deranged. 738 00:40:48,445 --> 00:40:50,071 - Stop him. Stop him. He's a thief. 739 00:40:50,113 --> 00:40:51,156 Give me my money back. 740 00:40:51,197 --> 00:40:52,699 - Get outta here. 741 00:40:52,740 --> 00:40:55,118 Fanatic. Vegetarian! 742 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:56,995 I'll keep up the Lord's work. 743 00:40:57,036 --> 00:40:58,538 - Oh, oof. - And get away from me. 744 00:40:58,580 --> 00:40:59,956 Get away from me, you Moabite, you snake worshipper. 745 00:40:59,998 --> 00:41:02,667 Ah. Ooh. 746 00:41:02,709 --> 00:41:07,046 And a holy man such as yourself should descend to violence. 747 00:41:07,088 --> 00:41:08,506 ( Ambrose grunts ) 748 00:41:08,548 --> 00:41:11,468 - In the name-- in the name of all that's sacred, 749 00:41:11,509 --> 00:41:13,970 let me up, you little asshole. 750 00:41:17,682 --> 00:41:20,143 - You should be disgusted with yourself. 751 00:41:20,185 --> 00:41:23,146 - Oh, I am. I am. I am. 752 00:41:23,188 --> 00:41:24,772 Pray for me. 753 00:41:24,814 --> 00:41:29,110 Let thy hand, which is raised in violence, 754 00:41:29,152 --> 00:41:33,907 clasp its brother and, in heavenly supplication, even as I do, 755 00:41:33,948 --> 00:41:39,579 Father, forgive him, for he knoweth not what he doeth. 756 00:41:39,621 --> 00:41:45,043 Forgive me even more, for I knoweth. 757 00:41:45,084 --> 00:41:47,086 ( grunts ) 758 00:41:47,128 --> 00:41:48,755 - Take that, monk. 759 00:41:52,091 --> 00:41:53,551 ( bus engine starts ) 760 00:41:55,136 --> 00:41:58,056 - Wait for me. Stop. Wait for me! 761 00:42:01,559 --> 00:42:03,269 Of course I forgive you. 762 00:42:03,311 --> 00:42:05,230 But I still don't know what I'm doing here. 763 00:42:05,271 --> 00:42:07,232 - Well, look, I'm-- I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime, 764 00:42:07,273 --> 00:42:09,901 a full partnership in my church for nothing. 765 00:42:09,943 --> 00:42:12,320 - Why me? 766 00:42:12,362 --> 00:42:14,280 - Because you have a certain quality, 767 00:42:14,322 --> 00:42:16,741 a kind of eerie innocence. 768 00:42:16,783 --> 00:42:20,495 People look at you, and they have to believe 769 00:42:20,537 --> 00:42:22,413 there's a better world somewhere. 770 00:42:22,455 --> 00:42:24,791 Besides, I'm slowing down. 771 00:42:24,832 --> 00:42:27,710 - Well, could I make enough money to save the monastery? 772 00:42:27,752 --> 00:42:30,463 I need $5,000. - But, of course. 773 00:42:32,131 --> 00:42:33,758 - What have I got to lose? 774 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:37,136 - Partners. - Partners. 775 00:42:37,178 --> 00:42:38,555 - Ha. 776 00:42:44,769 --> 00:42:47,230 ( "I've Been Working On the Railroad" plays ) 777 00:42:50,900 --> 00:42:52,652 ( horn honks ) 778 00:42:55,989 --> 00:42:58,533 ( chatter ) 779 00:43:08,209 --> 00:43:11,462 - Ambrose, hi. 780 00:43:11,504 --> 00:43:13,006 What are you doing here? 781 00:43:13,047 --> 00:43:15,091 - Well, thought we could go out tonight and celebrate. 782 00:43:15,133 --> 00:43:17,093 - I just can't. 783 00:43:17,135 --> 00:43:18,303 ( horn honks ) 784 00:43:18,344 --> 00:43:19,470 Listen, I'm really sorry. 785 00:43:19,512 --> 00:43:20,722 But it's just, you know, Friday night. 786 00:43:20,763 --> 00:43:21,556 And then, you know, it's my big night. 787 00:43:21,598 --> 00:43:22,807 And I just... 788 00:43:22,849 --> 00:43:24,559 ( honking continues ) 789 00:43:24,601 --> 00:43:26,477 I-- I couldn't-- I mean, I couldn't just-- I mean, 790 00:43:26,519 --> 00:43:28,187 I'm not dressed to go anywhere, you know. 791 00:43:28,229 --> 00:43:29,397 - Look. 792 00:43:32,650 --> 00:43:34,736 You look-- you look lovely. 793 00:43:34,777 --> 00:43:38,740 - Oh, Ambrose, that is so beautiful. 794 00:43:38,781 --> 00:43:42,201 - Shall we go? - I'm sorry. I can't. 795 00:43:42,243 --> 00:43:44,871 - Yeah, I understand. 796 00:43:44,912 --> 00:43:47,165 I mean, if you'd rather be here with your friends, 797 00:43:47,206 --> 00:43:50,001 well, hey, that's okay. I can... 798 00:43:50,043 --> 00:43:51,294 - I'll see you later, okay? - See you later. Yeah. 799 00:43:51,336 --> 00:43:53,880 - Okay. I'll see you later. - Okay. 800 00:43:55,048 --> 00:43:56,799 ( honking ) 801 00:44:04,891 --> 00:44:06,476 - Where are we going? 802 00:44:06,517 --> 00:44:09,437 - Oh, well, it's bingo night at the all-night mission, and I-- 803 00:44:09,479 --> 00:44:10,855 - I've had it now. Come on. 804 00:44:10,897 --> 00:44:13,066 It's all right. Come on, baby. 805 00:44:13,107 --> 00:44:15,276 - Stop it! - Come on. 806 00:44:15,318 --> 00:44:17,779 - No, you stop that. 807 00:44:20,156 --> 00:44:22,659 - Excuse me, sir. 808 00:44:22,700 --> 00:44:24,035 That was very rude. 809 00:44:24,077 --> 00:44:26,621 I'm sure you didn't mean it. 810 00:44:26,663 --> 00:44:30,249 Now, according to, uh, Timothy, 811 00:44:30,291 --> 00:44:33,836 chapter 2, verse 25, be gentle unto all men. 812 00:44:33,878 --> 00:44:35,713 But, of course, that means all women, too. 813 00:44:35,755 --> 00:44:36,714 ( grunts ) 814 00:44:36,756 --> 00:44:38,216 - Oh, what are you doing to him? 815 00:44:38,257 --> 00:44:40,259 - Perhaps you prefer St. Matthew. 816 00:44:40,301 --> 00:44:42,845 Thou shalt love thy enemies. 817 00:44:42,887 --> 00:44:46,224 In other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 818 00:44:46,265 --> 00:44:49,435 - You wouldn't wish me to do this unto you. 819 00:44:55,441 --> 00:44:58,778 - Take the gospel according to St. Mark. 820 00:44:58,820 --> 00:45:02,031 Now, it isn't me you're hurting. It's you. 821 00:45:02,073 --> 00:45:05,493 It's your soul that's in pain, your immortal soul. 822 00:45:08,371 --> 00:45:10,248 Excuse me, sir. 823 00:45:10,289 --> 00:45:15,253 On the other hand, there's the Old Testament. 824 00:45:15,294 --> 00:45:16,671 David and Goliath. 825 00:45:29,225 --> 00:45:32,061 - You just don't really understand is that 826 00:45:32,103 --> 00:45:35,982 you can't always have everything just the way you want it. 827 00:45:36,023 --> 00:45:39,318 You know, it may not be the best of all possible worlds, 828 00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:41,696 but it's the only damn one we've got. 829 00:45:41,738 --> 00:45:44,907 That's what my Pop used to say anyway. 830 00:45:44,949 --> 00:45:48,619 - What was he like, your Pop? 831 00:45:48,661 --> 00:45:52,623 - I don't remember much about him, except his legs. 832 00:45:52,665 --> 00:45:57,712 He had an angel flying up his right leg 833 00:45:57,754 --> 00:46:01,841 and he had a devil crawling down his left leg 834 00:46:01,883 --> 00:46:05,511 and disappearing into his sock. 835 00:46:05,553 --> 00:46:06,888 - Huh? 836 00:46:06,929 --> 00:46:08,055 - Tattoo. 837 00:46:08,097 --> 00:46:09,015 - Oh. - He had tattoos. 838 00:46:09,056 --> 00:46:10,391 - Oh. 839 00:46:10,433 --> 00:46:13,644 - He ran out on us when I was three, so.... 840 00:46:13,686 --> 00:46:17,231 - At least you know who your father was. 841 00:46:17,273 --> 00:46:19,484 I was abandoned on a monastery doorstep. 842 00:46:19,525 --> 00:46:21,819 There was just a little note. 843 00:46:21,861 --> 00:46:24,489 "Attached child is a gift from God. 844 00:46:24,530 --> 00:46:28,284 P.S. Please return to sender." 845 00:46:41,589 --> 00:46:44,383 - You-- you don't, uh, have to sleep 846 00:46:44,425 --> 00:46:47,094 in the other room if you don't want to tonight. 847 00:46:47,136 --> 00:46:50,681 I mean, you know you could stay in here with me if you like. 848 00:46:54,101 --> 00:46:55,895 - Excuse me. 849 00:47:36,519 --> 00:47:38,521 - For what we are about to receive, 850 00:47:38,563 --> 00:47:41,774 may the Lord make us truly thankful. 851 00:47:49,156 --> 00:47:52,910 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 852 00:47:52,952 --> 00:47:54,328 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 853 00:47:54,370 --> 00:47:56,706 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 854 00:47:56,747 --> 00:47:59,333 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 855 00:47:59,375 --> 00:48:06,215 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah. ♪ 856 00:48:18,519 --> 00:48:19,770 - Good morning. 857 00:48:19,812 --> 00:48:21,480 Morning. 858 00:48:21,522 --> 00:48:23,024 ( Mary moans ) 859 00:48:23,065 --> 00:48:24,483 Morning? 860 00:48:24,525 --> 00:48:27,194 - Good morning. Hi. 861 00:48:27,236 --> 00:48:28,779 - Surprise. 862 00:48:31,032 --> 00:48:33,993 Remember, the first night we met, you said you liked it. 863 00:48:34,035 --> 00:48:36,245 - Oh, right. 864 00:48:36,287 --> 00:48:39,749 Aw, thank-- oh, look. 865 00:48:39,790 --> 00:48:42,084 Thank you. Thank you. 866 00:48:46,881 --> 00:48:48,883 Mmm. 867 00:48:54,722 --> 00:48:58,684 Mmm. Mmm. So good. 868 00:48:58,726 --> 00:48:59,936 - Not too much mustard? 869 00:48:59,977 --> 00:49:01,604 - Mm-mm. 870 00:49:01,646 --> 00:49:04,065 I am so full. 871 00:49:04,106 --> 00:49:05,441 Mmm. 872 00:49:05,483 --> 00:49:06,692 ( chuckles ) 873 00:49:06,734 --> 00:49:08,444 Mmm. 874 00:49:08,486 --> 00:49:11,280 - Listen, um, about last night, uh, 875 00:49:11,322 --> 00:49:14,033 did I, um, did we... 876 00:49:14,075 --> 00:49:15,618 - Mm-hmm. 877 00:49:15,660 --> 00:49:17,328 We went through the whole menu. 878 00:49:17,370 --> 00:49:18,788 ( chuckles ) 879 00:49:18,829 --> 00:49:22,375 You may check off items number one through 75. 880 00:49:22,416 --> 00:49:24,335 - Did I really do all that? 881 00:49:24,377 --> 00:49:29,799 - Yeah. Well, not in one go. Let me put it this way. 882 00:49:29,840 --> 00:49:34,095 See, we both should have arrived at 72 at the same time. 883 00:49:34,136 --> 00:49:38,057 But you got to 72 while I was still, you know, 884 00:49:38,099 --> 00:49:40,101 hangin' around number nine. 885 00:49:40,142 --> 00:49:41,519 But that's just a technicality. 886 00:49:41,560 --> 00:49:43,896 - No, I'm sorry. - No, don't be silly. 887 00:49:43,938 --> 00:49:46,691 You know, nice guys sometimes finish first. 888 00:49:46,732 --> 00:49:49,777 Just think of it as a sin of emission. 889 00:49:49,819 --> 00:49:51,487 - You've done this before, haven't you? 890 00:49:51,529 --> 00:49:52,947 I can tell. 891 00:49:52,989 --> 00:49:54,782 - You could tell? How? 892 00:49:54,824 --> 00:49:57,451 - You kept screaming, get to 11, get to 11. 893 00:49:57,493 --> 00:49:59,245 - Did I do that? 894 00:49:59,286 --> 00:50:00,538 - Get to 11, yeah. 895 00:50:00,579 --> 00:50:02,665 - Oh, I'm sorry. 896 00:50:02,707 --> 00:50:05,918 It's just, well, I guess number 11 897 00:50:05,960 --> 00:50:08,504 has always been one of my favorites. 898 00:50:10,256 --> 00:50:14,802 Listen, Ambrose, I don't wanna upset you, but... 899 00:50:14,844 --> 00:50:16,429 - What? 900 00:50:18,889 --> 00:50:20,933 - I have to be honest with you. 901 00:50:20,975 --> 00:50:22,393 - What? 902 00:50:22,435 --> 00:50:25,271 - I'm a hooker. 903 00:50:25,312 --> 00:50:26,022 - Well, I know. - A harlot. 904 00:50:26,063 --> 00:50:27,356 - I know. 905 00:50:27,398 --> 00:50:28,983 - I'm like a whore from your Bible. 906 00:50:29,025 --> 00:50:30,192 - Yeah, I know. - You know? 907 00:50:30,234 --> 00:50:32,361 - I worked it out. 908 00:50:32,403 --> 00:50:34,113 - And you're not shocked? 909 00:50:34,155 --> 00:50:35,698 - About what? 910 00:50:35,740 --> 00:50:38,117 - That-- me being a hooker. 911 00:50:38,159 --> 00:50:39,994 - No. 912 00:50:40,036 --> 00:50:43,581 It's just the outside world is nothing like anything 913 00:50:43,622 --> 00:50:44,915 I was taught in the monastery. 914 00:50:44,957 --> 00:50:46,917 I'm just a bit, well, confused, you know. 915 00:50:46,959 --> 00:50:49,503 - So you mean you do have doubts, huh? 916 00:50:49,545 --> 00:50:51,630 - Mm, doubts are about the only certainties 917 00:50:51,672 --> 00:50:53,674 I have right now, you know? 918 00:50:53,716 --> 00:50:56,719 - So then you'll be going, uh, back to the monastery? 919 00:50:56,761 --> 00:50:59,430 - Eventually, yeah. 920 00:50:59,472 --> 00:51:01,348 I mean, it's my home. 921 00:51:01,390 --> 00:51:05,311 - When are you gonna go? 922 00:51:05,352 --> 00:51:06,896 - After I see Mr. Thunderbird. 923 00:51:13,110 --> 00:51:16,906 Well, I suppose I better get dressed. 924 00:51:28,584 --> 00:51:31,921 By the way, um, I think I love you. 925 00:51:31,962 --> 00:51:33,547 Do you mind? 926 00:51:33,589 --> 00:51:35,549 - Heh. 927 00:51:35,591 --> 00:51:38,427 Do I mind? 928 00:52:09,416 --> 00:52:13,254 - Potsville, the string cheese capital of the world. 929 00:52:13,295 --> 00:52:18,050 - Aha. Where there is string cheese, sin cannot be far behind. 930 00:52:18,092 --> 00:52:20,511 ( music on PA system ) 931 00:52:20,553 --> 00:52:23,222 - Good afternoon, idle sinners of Potsville. 932 00:52:23,264 --> 00:52:26,559 Salvation is at hand. 933 00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:28,185 Let Dr. Melmoth bring peace to your souls 934 00:52:28,227 --> 00:52:30,020 through the Good Book. 935 00:52:32,731 --> 00:52:35,276 - Good afternoon, voters of Potsville. 936 00:52:35,317 --> 00:52:37,194 Let Mayor Dwork bring peace to your city 937 00:52:37,236 --> 00:52:39,321 through law and order. 938 00:52:39,363 --> 00:52:43,409 I say-- I say put the lazy bums to work and get 'em off welfare. 939 00:52:43,450 --> 00:52:46,412 - For their welfare is my concern, sayeth the Lord. 940 00:52:46,453 --> 00:52:48,747 For the Lord's way is the way of right. 941 00:52:48,789 --> 00:52:51,417 The Lord is coming through. 942 00:52:51,458 --> 00:52:53,836 - Like hell he is. He hasn't got right-of-way. 943 00:52:53,878 --> 00:52:55,629 He don't give preference over the Grand Old Party. 944 00:52:55,671 --> 00:52:57,214 Back off, lard-ass. 945 00:52:57,256 --> 00:52:58,841 - Up thine, Brother. 946 00:52:58,883 --> 00:53:01,427 - Yeah? You gonna move that heap of crap? 947 00:53:01,468 --> 00:53:02,970 - No. 948 00:53:06,849 --> 00:53:10,269 Okay. So it's dirty pool you want. 949 00:53:10,311 --> 00:53:13,731 Well, the Lord knows that game, too. 950 00:53:13,772 --> 00:53:17,985 All right. It's God versus democracy. 951 00:53:18,027 --> 00:53:21,405 Yee-haw. 952 00:53:23,657 --> 00:53:26,744 - Commie Jesus freaks! 953 00:53:31,540 --> 00:53:33,667 - Yee-haw! 954 00:53:35,294 --> 00:53:40,507 - All right, Cox. 955 00:53:40,549 --> 00:53:42,760 God wins every time. 956 00:53:44,053 --> 00:53:45,804 ( yells ) 957 00:53:50,434 --> 00:53:54,271 ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪ 958 00:53:54,313 --> 00:53:58,067 ♪ Marching on to war ♪ 959 00:53:58,108 --> 00:54:01,403 - ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪ 960 00:54:01,445 --> 00:54:06,325 ♪ Going on before ♪ 961 00:54:06,367 --> 00:54:13,040 ♪ Amen ♪ 962 00:54:13,082 --> 00:54:17,795 - And now, sinners, when ye entered herein, 963 00:54:17,836 --> 00:54:23,217 did ye not turn unto yeselves and say, 964 00:54:23,259 --> 00:54:26,262 why has he locked the door? 965 00:54:26,303 --> 00:54:26,971 I'll tell you why. 966 00:54:27,012 --> 00:54:33,978 Because it is too easy to turn from the Lord and run. 967 00:54:34,019 --> 00:54:39,483 Moses, when he saw the burning bush, did not turn and run. 968 00:54:39,525 --> 00:54:45,948 No, I did not turn and run when I saw the burning bush. 969 00:54:45,990 --> 00:54:47,866 Aye, who's that? 970 00:54:47,908 --> 00:54:51,120 Why, who could that be? 971 00:54:51,161 --> 00:54:54,498 Why, it's Moses himself. 972 00:54:54,540 --> 00:54:57,459 ( applause ) 973 00:54:57,501 --> 00:54:58,919 ( organ music plays "Hava Nagila" ) 974 00:54:58,961 --> 00:55:02,589 - Let's hear it for him, wonderful Biblical prophet. 975 00:55:02,631 --> 00:55:04,466 What happened to you when you saw the burning bush? 976 00:55:04,508 --> 00:55:07,428 - I was God-struck. - You were what? 977 00:55:07,469 --> 00:55:09,054 - God-struck. 978 00:55:09,096 --> 00:55:11,724 - You mean you were dumbstruck, dummy. 979 00:55:11,765 --> 00:55:14,768 - Well, that's what I thought I said. 980 00:55:14,810 --> 00:55:17,229 - Seriously-- seriously, that concludes-- thank you. 981 00:55:17,271 --> 00:55:20,190 - ( applause ) - Whew. 982 00:55:20,232 --> 00:55:22,609 And now that concludes the entertainment portion of our show. 983 00:55:22,651 --> 00:55:26,405 And, uh, for the next segment, uh, we shall all join 984 00:55:26,447 --> 00:55:29,867 little Moses in singing "We Shall Gather by the River" 985 00:55:29,908 --> 00:55:33,412 whilst I partake of some communion wine 986 00:55:33,454 --> 00:55:38,667 and a very fine Puerto Ricanyo cigar simultaneously. 987 00:55:40,711 --> 00:55:41,837 Thank you. Thank you. 988 00:55:41,879 --> 00:55:42,838 ( coughs ) 989 00:55:42,880 --> 00:55:44,006 ( snores ) 990 00:55:44,048 --> 00:55:45,758 - Hit it, Professor. 991 00:55:47,426 --> 00:55:50,721 - ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 992 00:55:50,763 --> 00:55:54,725 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 993 00:55:54,767 --> 00:55:58,145 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪ 994 00:55:58,187 --> 00:56:02,024 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 995 00:56:02,066 --> 00:56:05,611 ♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪ 996 00:56:05,652 --> 00:56:09,698 ♪ Where bright angel feet have trod ♪ 997 00:56:09,740 --> 00:56:13,410 ♪ With its crystal tide forever ♪ 998 00:56:13,452 --> 00:56:16,955 ♪ Flowing by the throne of God ♪ 999 00:56:16,997 --> 00:56:20,542 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 1000 00:56:20,584 --> 00:56:24,588 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 1001 00:56:24,630 --> 00:56:28,884 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river that flows ♪ 1002 00:56:28,926 --> 00:56:32,221 ♪ By the throne of God ♪ 1003 00:57:09,758 --> 00:57:13,220 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 1004 00:57:13,262 --> 00:57:16,807 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 1005 00:57:16,849 --> 00:57:20,686 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪ 1006 00:57:20,727 --> 00:57:21,728 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 1007 00:57:21,770 --> 00:57:23,105 ( bell rings ) 1008 00:57:24,606 --> 00:57:29,903 ♪ That flows by the throne of God... ♪ 1009 00:57:29,945 --> 00:57:35,200 ♪ Amen ♪ 1010 00:57:35,242 --> 00:57:37,786 ( bell ringing ) 1011 00:57:45,252 --> 00:57:47,504 - Taped this for you earlier, A.T.T. 1012 00:57:47,546 --> 00:57:49,923 We thought you might be interested. 1013 00:57:52,050 --> 00:57:55,220 - In Peru today, 5,000 died in an earthquake. 1014 00:57:55,262 --> 00:57:58,974 There's news of a train crash in Turkey which killed 400. 1015 00:57:59,016 --> 00:58:01,935 But it's going to be another lovely day tomorrow 1016 00:58:01,977 --> 00:58:07,024 with temperatures in the high '70s, so mostly it's good news. 1017 00:58:07,065 --> 00:58:11,487 On the local front, a mobile church crashed in mid-service into a lake in Orange County. 1018 00:58:11,528 --> 00:58:13,238 Fortunately, nobody was hurt, 1019 00:58:13,280 --> 00:58:15,324 but one of the promoters in this scheme, 1020 00:58:15,365 --> 00:58:19,369 a Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, here seen baptizing the survivors, 1021 00:58:19,411 --> 00:58:21,914 described it as an act of God and said 1022 00:58:21,955 --> 00:58:25,292 he's considering suing God's business manager, the Pope. 1023 00:58:25,334 --> 00:58:27,836 His partner, a Brother Ambrose, an alleged monk, 1024 00:58:27,878 --> 00:58:29,171 was not available for comments. 1025 00:58:29,213 --> 00:58:31,298 - Prayer mobiles. 1026 00:58:31,340 --> 00:58:34,426 - Thought we'd just run it up the Crucifix and see who genuflects. 1027 00:58:34,468 --> 00:58:39,306 - Mobile churches, covering the whole country, 1028 00:58:39,348 --> 00:58:41,266 just think of it, the whole country. 1029 00:58:41,308 --> 00:58:46,230 You can fool some of the people all the time 1030 00:58:46,271 --> 00:58:50,025 and those are the sons of bitches we gonna get. 1031 00:58:50,067 --> 00:58:54,863 Now we could have every sinner's balls in our hands. 1032 00:58:54,905 --> 00:58:58,033 Just how much we decide to squeeze 'em for 1033 00:58:58,075 --> 00:58:59,409 will be G.O.D.'s decision. 1034 00:58:59,451 --> 00:59:01,453 - Uh, Miss Milligan? 1035 00:59:01,495 --> 00:59:04,706 - We can have Miss Milligan here prepare some ballpark figures on the scheme. 1036 00:59:04,748 --> 00:59:07,459 - Oh, well, yes. 1037 00:59:07,501 --> 00:59:10,170 - You'll get back to us on it? 1038 00:59:10,212 --> 00:59:13,549 - Yeah-- yeah, soonest, soonest, soonest. 1039 00:59:13,590 --> 00:59:15,133 I have a one o'clock with G.O.D., you know, 1040 00:59:15,175 --> 00:59:16,843 huddles and confab. 1041 00:59:16,885 --> 00:59:19,721 Uh, it'll be numero uno on the agenda. 1042 00:59:26,228 --> 00:59:28,647 I'm comin', G.O.D. 1043 00:59:30,315 --> 00:59:32,317 Thy will be done. 1044 00:59:58,552 --> 01:00:02,097 Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust, 1045 01:00:02,139 --> 01:00:05,350 who adviseth me and all the workings 1046 01:00:05,392 --> 01:00:07,352 His great conglomerate, 1047 01:00:07,394 --> 01:00:12,274 C.D.P., consider this proposition. 1048 01:00:13,567 --> 01:00:15,068 - Approved. 1049 01:00:15,110 --> 01:00:18,030 But you cannot be everywhere. 1050 01:00:18,071 --> 01:00:21,992 We need a disciple to lead our crusade, 1051 01:00:22,034 --> 01:00:27,164 somebody pure, devout, without a record, 1052 01:00:27,205 --> 01:00:31,460 someone a Congressional committee wouldn't suspect. 1053 01:00:31,501 --> 01:00:35,589 - Dost thou have someone in mind, O Mighty One? 1054 01:00:35,631 --> 01:00:40,344 - Ask thyself, and it shall answer thee. 1055 01:00:40,385 --> 01:00:42,554 - The monk? 1056 01:00:42,596 --> 01:00:44,264 You believe he could-- 1057 01:00:44,306 --> 01:00:46,266 - Consider the bears in the wood. 1058 01:00:46,308 --> 01:00:48,602 Crappeth, they not? 1059 01:00:48,644 --> 01:00:52,147 Of course, the monk, you dumb schmuck. 1060 01:00:52,189 --> 01:00:53,690 ( knock on door ) 1061 01:00:57,778 --> 01:00:59,655 - I saw it on the news. Are you all right? 1062 01:00:59,696 --> 01:01:00,656 - I-- I'm all right. 1063 01:01:00,697 --> 01:01:03,200 Yes, uh, Dr. Melmoth's a bit-- 1064 01:01:03,241 --> 01:01:04,242 well, we stopped at a few bars. 1065 01:01:04,284 --> 01:01:05,702 - Oh. Okay. 1066 01:01:05,744 --> 01:01:07,120 Why don't you, uh, put him to sleep there, 1067 01:01:07,162 --> 01:01:08,205 and I'll get some black coffee. 1068 01:01:08,246 --> 01:01:10,707 - Yeah. 1069 01:01:24,137 --> 01:01:26,264 ( grunts ) 1070 01:01:49,663 --> 01:01:52,207 ( groans ) 1071 01:01:52,249 --> 01:01:55,919 - When I was in the water back there, I was drowning. 1072 01:01:55,961 --> 01:01:59,881 My whole life flashed before my eyes, 1073 01:01:59,923 --> 01:02:03,885 and I wasn't in it. 1074 01:02:03,927 --> 01:02:05,554 ( sobs ) 1075 01:02:19,860 --> 01:02:21,653 - Whoa. 1076 01:02:42,716 --> 01:02:45,719 ( groans ) 1077 01:02:54,227 --> 01:02:56,271 - Okay. The coffee's almost ready. 1078 01:02:56,313 --> 01:02:58,440 I hope he likes drip. 1079 01:02:58,482 --> 01:03:00,358 - It's no use. 1080 01:03:00,400 --> 01:03:01,985 - Listen, you can start again. 1081 01:03:02,027 --> 01:03:04,029 - No, it's too late. I'm too old. 1082 01:03:04,070 --> 01:03:05,781 - No. 1083 01:03:05,822 --> 01:03:08,909 - I had talent once. I-- I had ambition. 1084 01:03:08,950 --> 01:03:11,203 I had-- I had hands. 1085 01:03:11,244 --> 01:03:15,123 I had wonderful hands. 1086 01:03:15,165 --> 01:03:16,958 I could have been somebody. 1087 01:03:17,000 --> 01:03:19,211 I could have been a Bishop. 1088 01:03:19,252 --> 01:03:24,007 I could have preached a revival in a ballpark outdoors. 1089 01:03:24,049 --> 01:03:29,721 Instead, here I am selling Lazarus dolls in the suburbs. 1090 01:03:29,763 --> 01:03:31,056 - Yeah, well, may-- maybe they'll help some people. 1091 01:03:31,097 --> 01:03:32,766 - That ain't it. 1092 01:03:32,808 --> 01:03:36,561 I could have said mass, instead of being a bum. 1093 01:03:36,603 --> 01:03:39,940 Face it. I'm a bum. 1094 01:03:39,981 --> 01:03:43,985 And now, I'll work on my sermon. 1095 01:03:44,027 --> 01:03:45,987 - Could I-- - I'll sleep now. 1096 01:03:46,029 --> 01:03:49,199 For tomorrow's sermon... - Sleep. 1097 01:03:49,241 --> 01:03:50,992 - Tomorrow's sermon... 1098 01:03:52,035 --> 01:03:54,871 - Here you go. 1099 01:03:54,913 --> 01:03:57,165 ( pounding on door ) 1100 01:04:18,395 --> 01:04:20,021 - Hello? 1101 01:04:20,063 --> 01:04:22,148 Hello? 1102 01:04:22,190 --> 01:04:24,943 Hello? Is anybody there? 1103 01:04:24,985 --> 01:04:28,446 ( thunder ) 1104 01:04:33,159 --> 01:04:35,579 - Mr. Thunderbird. 1105 01:04:35,620 --> 01:04:38,081 - He. 1106 01:04:38,123 --> 01:04:40,625 - I've been tryin' to see you for months. 1107 01:04:40,667 --> 01:04:42,460 I have this letter from the Abbot. 1108 01:04:42,502 --> 01:04:43,503 It's about the mortgage on the monastery. 1109 01:04:43,545 --> 01:04:46,631 - I know. - You know? 1110 01:04:46,673 --> 01:04:51,803 - I have the mortgage deed to your monastery. 1111 01:04:51,845 --> 01:04:55,015 It will be yours in good time. 1112 01:04:55,056 --> 01:04:58,435 God spake unto me of this even this day. 1113 01:04:58,476 --> 01:05:00,645 - God-- God speaks to you? 1114 01:05:00,687 --> 01:05:02,314 - Spake. - Spake. 1115 01:05:02,355 --> 01:05:06,776 God spakes, uh, talks to you personally with-- with words? 1116 01:05:06,818 --> 01:05:07,444 - Of course. 1117 01:05:07,485 --> 01:05:13,033 - Well, I mean, I-- I-- spake-- I speak with Him. 1118 01:05:13,074 --> 01:05:14,534 But, you know, when You're busy, 1119 01:05:14,576 --> 01:05:16,161 and You're a celebrity, I suppose you don't really 1120 01:05:16,202 --> 01:05:17,203 have much time to... 1121 01:05:17,245 --> 01:05:18,997 - Oh, He listens. 1122 01:05:19,039 --> 01:05:20,624 We speak of you often. 1123 01:05:20,665 --> 01:05:22,834 You know, He's very fond of you, Ambrose. 1124 01:05:22,876 --> 01:05:25,587 - I-- I feel the same way about Him. I-- 1125 01:05:25,629 --> 01:05:27,297 - You see, everything in your life has been 1126 01:05:27,339 --> 01:05:29,257 leading up to this moment. 1127 01:05:29,299 --> 01:05:33,887 God has chosen you, Brother Ambrose, 1128 01:05:33,929 --> 01:05:37,390 to lead his nationwide mobile crusade. 1129 01:05:37,432 --> 01:05:38,600 - Me? 1130 01:05:38,642 --> 01:05:43,229 He-- He-- He mentioned me s-- specifically? 1131 01:05:43,271 --> 01:05:45,106 - You. 1132 01:05:45,148 --> 01:05:46,733 And you shall be rewarded. 1133 01:05:46,775 --> 01:05:48,818 Is not the laborer worthy of His hire? 1134 01:05:48,860 --> 01:05:51,404 - Look, Mr. Thunderbird, um, may-- may I-- 1135 01:05:51,446 --> 01:05:52,238 may I be honest with you? 1136 01:05:52,280 --> 01:05:53,698 - Why surely. 1137 01:05:53,740 --> 01:05:55,408 - You see, in your-- in your services, 1138 01:05:55,450 --> 01:05:57,369 all you do is-- is talk about money. 1139 01:05:57,410 --> 01:05:58,954 I thought virtue was its own reward. 1140 01:05:58,995 --> 01:06:00,372 - Of course it is. 1141 01:06:00,413 --> 01:06:02,415 That's why it doesn't attract the top talent. 1142 01:06:02,457 --> 01:06:05,251 - But the Bible, God's book, 1143 01:06:05,293 --> 01:06:06,878 says we should share the money equally. 1144 01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:08,672 - Wrong. 1145 01:06:08,713 --> 01:06:11,841 If God had not meant for some people to be poorer than others, 1146 01:06:11,883 --> 01:06:14,386 then He would not have published the Bible in paperback. 1147 01:06:14,427 --> 01:06:17,180 - I-- I-- just can't believe that life is only money. 1148 01:06:17,222 --> 01:06:18,765 - Money is life. 1149 01:06:18,807 --> 01:06:21,142 It is the lack of it which is the real evil. 1150 01:06:21,184 --> 01:06:24,020 Who feedeth the hungry? 1151 01:06:24,062 --> 01:06:25,939 Is it manna from heaven 1152 01:06:25,981 --> 01:06:28,483 or fried chicken from Kentucky? 1153 01:06:28,525 --> 01:06:30,110 Who clotheth the naked? 1154 01:06:30,151 --> 01:06:32,612 Is it J.C.? 1155 01:06:32,654 --> 01:06:34,698 Or is it J.C. Penney? 1156 01:06:34,739 --> 01:06:37,993 And what will save your wretched monastery? 1157 01:06:38,034 --> 01:06:40,495 A miracle? 1158 01:06:40,537 --> 01:06:44,165 Or $5,000 cash? 1159 01:06:44,207 --> 01:06:45,333 - It's true. 1160 01:06:45,375 --> 01:06:46,793 - Oh, no, my friend. 1161 01:06:46,835 --> 01:06:48,545 Money is clean. 1162 01:06:48,586 --> 01:06:52,382 Money is beautiful. 1163 01:06:52,424 --> 01:06:54,884 Money is holy. 1164 01:06:54,926 --> 01:06:58,054 I need it to support my hospitals, 1165 01:06:58,096 --> 01:07:02,017 my charities, my worthy causes. 1166 01:07:02,058 --> 01:07:06,229 You shall go forth and gather it in. 1167 01:07:06,271 --> 01:07:11,317 That is what God has chosen you for. 1168 01:07:11,359 --> 01:07:13,695 ( thunder ) 1169 01:07:15,488 --> 01:07:18,908 - ♪ In God we trust ♪ 1170 01:07:18,950 --> 01:07:22,412 ♪ Invest in Him on high ♪ 1171 01:07:22,454 --> 01:07:25,874 ♪ God's sweetest buy ♪ 1172 01:07:25,915 --> 01:07:30,128 ♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪ 1173 01:07:30,170 --> 01:07:33,173 ♪ Though stocks may fall ♪ 1174 01:07:33,214 --> 01:07:36,718 ♪ And worldly shares may crash ♪ 1175 01:07:36,760 --> 01:07:40,430 ♪ Our share of heaven's safe ♪ 1176 01:07:40,472 --> 01:07:44,350 ♪ In good hard cash ♪ 1177 01:07:44,392 --> 01:07:47,729 ♪ Give unto Him ♪ 1178 01:07:47,771 --> 01:07:51,441 ♪ The money's heaven spent ♪ 1179 01:07:51,483 --> 01:07:54,986 ♪ All loans at banks ♪ 1180 01:07:55,028 --> 01:07:59,199 ♪ Yield six or seven percent ♪ 1181 01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:02,452 ♪ Each buck you give ♪ 1182 01:08:02,494 --> 01:08:06,372 ♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪ 1183 01:08:06,414 --> 01:08:09,918 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 1184 01:08:09,959 --> 01:08:13,296 ♪ Ten thousandfold ♪ 1185 01:08:15,340 --> 01:08:19,302 ♪ His hand that made ♪ 1186 01:08:19,344 --> 01:08:23,431 ♪ The Earth and sky and sea ♪ 1187 01:08:23,473 --> 01:08:26,726 ♪ Now reacheth forth ♪ 1188 01:08:26,768 --> 01:08:30,772 ♪ For its gratuity ♪ 1189 01:08:30,814 --> 01:08:34,400 ♪ Shouldst thou walk by ♪ 1190 01:08:34,442 --> 01:08:38,655 ♪ And treat Him like a bum ♪ 1191 01:08:38,696 --> 01:08:42,283 ♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪ 1192 01:08:42,325 --> 01:08:44,994 ♪ In Kingdom come ♪ 1193 01:08:45,036 --> 01:08:46,371 ♪ Oh, yes ♪ 1194 01:08:46,412 --> 01:08:49,582 ♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪ 1195 01:08:49,624 --> 01:08:56,840 ♪ In Kingdom come. ♪ 1196 01:09:22,073 --> 01:09:23,783 - Ambrose. 1197 01:09:23,825 --> 01:09:26,452 - Ah, turn around 1198 01:09:26,494 --> 01:09:28,413 and don't open your eyes 'till I tell you. 1199 01:09:29,831 --> 01:09:32,000 - That's funny. 1200 01:09:32,041 --> 01:09:34,419 I was just about to ask you to do the same thing. 1201 01:09:34,460 --> 01:09:38,256 - All right. 1202 01:09:38,298 --> 01:09:40,133 Surprise. 1203 01:10:04,115 --> 01:10:05,658 ( cork pops ) 1204 01:10:08,244 --> 01:10:10,788 - To your little misconception. 1205 01:10:10,830 --> 01:10:11,956 ( chuckles ) 1206 01:10:15,418 --> 01:10:16,961 - Well, why not? - No. 1207 01:10:17,003 --> 01:10:18,379 - Why? Why-- why not? - No. 1208 01:10:18,421 --> 01:10:20,089 What if it turns out to be a girl? 1209 01:10:20,131 --> 01:10:22,008 - Well, Armageddon could be a girl's name, couldn't it? 1210 01:10:22,050 --> 01:10:25,845 - You know, I don't know what the hell has come over you, Ambrose. 1211 01:10:25,887 --> 01:10:27,388 But you come in here. 1212 01:10:27,430 --> 01:10:29,766 You're wearing a cockamamie silk dress. 1213 01:10:29,807 --> 01:10:31,559 - It's not a dress. It's a robe. 1214 01:10:31,601 --> 01:10:32,685 Armageddon said it would be good for the whole-- 1215 01:10:32,727 --> 01:10:34,437 - Armageddon says, Armageddon says. 1216 01:10:34,479 --> 01:10:37,357 All you give me are his words. 1217 01:10:37,398 --> 01:10:40,109 I don't want anything that's been in his mouth. 1218 01:10:40,151 --> 01:10:43,905 You have swallowed all this crap that Armageddon's fed you. 1219 01:10:43,947 --> 01:10:46,783 Well, it's true. And you are what you eat. 1220 01:10:46,824 --> 01:10:49,494 - Mr. Melmoth, would you explain-- 1221 01:10:49,535 --> 01:10:52,080 - I don't need him to explain it to me. 1222 01:10:52,121 --> 01:10:55,333 - Look, now just leave me outta this. 1223 01:10:55,375 --> 01:10:57,961 I don't want any hassle. 1224 01:10:58,002 --> 01:11:00,338 I just want peace in my old age. 1225 01:11:00,380 --> 01:11:03,216 - Well, tell her about Armageddon's charities, about his hospitals. 1226 01:11:03,258 --> 01:11:04,926 He's doing God's work. 1227 01:11:04,968 --> 01:11:08,304 - Horseshit. He's doin' Armageddon's work. 1228 01:11:08,346 --> 01:11:12,016 It's a rip-off. It's big business. 1229 01:11:12,058 --> 01:11:13,476 It's-- - You can't just say that. 1230 01:11:13,518 --> 01:11:14,894 What-- what-- what proof-- - Proof? 1231 01:11:14,936 --> 01:11:16,771 - Yeah. - There is no proof. 1232 01:11:16,813 --> 01:11:19,607 But every hustler on the street knows what this guy is. 1233 01:11:19,649 --> 01:11:22,360 - Why did you wait till now before you told me? 1234 01:11:22,402 --> 01:11:24,529 - Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. 1235 01:11:24,570 --> 01:11:26,322 That's why. - Feelings. 1236 01:11:26,364 --> 01:11:29,033 - And I thought maybe he'll figure this one out for himself. 1237 01:11:29,075 --> 01:11:31,911 - Dr. Melmoth, you're a man of God. 1238 01:11:31,953 --> 01:11:34,497 If this is true, you just sit here, and you just accept it? 1239 01:11:34,539 --> 01:11:36,374 - Look, get outta my face, will ya, monk? 1240 01:11:36,416 --> 01:11:38,584 Just leave me alone. 1241 01:11:38,626 --> 01:11:41,504 You're like some holy Jiminy Cricket. 1242 01:11:41,546 --> 01:11:45,717 You're damn right I accept it. 1243 01:11:45,758 --> 01:11:48,678 This may not be the best of all possible worlds, 1244 01:11:48,720 --> 01:11:50,263 but it's the only world we've got. 1245 01:11:50,305 --> 01:11:52,515 So don't make waves. 1246 01:11:52,557 --> 01:11:57,603 Because, unlike Jesus, we can't walk on 'em. 1247 01:12:06,029 --> 01:12:09,032 - Why the hell did you have to open your mouth in the first place? 1248 01:12:09,073 --> 01:12:09,657 - Correction. 1249 01:12:09,657 --> 01:12:12,243 You opened your mouth in the first place. 1250 01:12:12,285 --> 01:12:14,662 I opened my mouth in the second place. 1251 01:12:14,704 --> 01:12:19,792 Look, I couldn't take being born again. 1252 01:12:19,834 --> 01:12:24,630 At my age, I couldn't stand the labor pains. 1253 01:12:33,681 --> 01:12:35,558 Monk off. 1254 01:12:39,145 --> 01:12:41,773 - Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust, 1255 01:12:41,814 --> 01:12:44,650 there's somethin' I wanna ask you about. 1256 01:12:44,692 --> 01:12:49,072 Now, You and I have made millions together, right? 1257 01:12:49,113 --> 01:12:51,199 - Check. 1258 01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:52,992 - How much do we own? 1259 01:12:53,034 --> 01:12:54,619 - Bottom line? 1260 01:12:54,660 --> 01:12:56,162 - Yes, bottom line. 1261 01:12:56,204 --> 01:13:00,875 - 10,342,000.08 net. 1262 01:13:00,917 --> 01:13:02,627 - Uh-huh. 1263 01:13:02,668 --> 01:13:04,796 Well-- well, now that's how much we own. 1264 01:13:04,837 --> 01:13:07,465 But You know money can't buy happiness. 1265 01:13:07,507 --> 01:13:09,300 Only power can do that. 1266 01:13:09,342 --> 01:13:11,010 Who do we own? 1267 01:13:11,052 --> 01:13:16,474 - Five senators, 14 congressmen, two Supreme Court judges, 1268 01:13:16,516 --> 01:13:18,434 12 assorted missile manufacturers, 1269 01:13:18,476 --> 01:13:22,355 and an ex-president, net. 1270 01:13:22,397 --> 01:13:25,066 - Well, then today, on my telecast-- 1271 01:13:25,108 --> 01:13:26,317 - The time is right. 1272 01:13:26,359 --> 01:13:30,113 The country is ready for a strong leader. 1273 01:13:30,154 --> 01:13:33,032 May God go with you. 1274 01:13:33,074 --> 01:13:34,826 - But You are God. 1275 01:13:34,867 --> 01:13:36,577 - Oh, so I am. 1276 01:13:36,619 --> 01:13:37,578 Correction. 1277 01:13:37,620 --> 01:13:39,288 May I go with you. 1278 01:13:39,330 --> 01:13:41,249 Good luck with your show. 1279 01:13:41,290 --> 01:13:43,543 And break a leg, kid. 1280 01:13:43,584 --> 01:13:45,336 - Amen. 1281 01:13:46,421 --> 01:13:48,673 ( humming ) 1282 01:13:52,635 --> 01:13:54,595 I love you all very, very much. 1283 01:13:54,637 --> 01:13:55,930 ( mumbles ) 1284 01:14:09,610 --> 01:14:10,611 - God? 1285 01:14:13,573 --> 01:14:14,991 Are You-- are You God? 1286 01:14:15,032 --> 01:14:17,368 - Who do you think I am? 1287 01:14:17,410 --> 01:14:23,040 Does not G.O.D. spell God, peckerhead? 1288 01:14:23,082 --> 01:14:24,876 - But you're a computer. 1289 01:14:24,917 --> 01:14:27,170 - Of course, bunny rabbit. 1290 01:14:27,211 --> 01:14:28,963 - It's just that I thought if you appeared, 1291 01:14:29,005 --> 01:14:31,924 it would be a-- a burning bush or-- 1292 01:14:31,966 --> 01:14:34,927 or an elderly man with a white beard. 1293 01:14:34,969 --> 01:14:37,638 - Hey, what do you want, impersonations? 1294 01:14:37,680 --> 01:14:40,933 I'm Supreme technological being. 1295 01:14:40,975 --> 01:14:44,687 I can appear as anything or anyone at any time I want to. 1296 01:14:44,729 --> 01:14:48,858 Okay, for you, one elderly man with white beard coming up. 1297 01:14:50,151 --> 01:14:52,111 ( thunder ) 1298 01:14:55,323 --> 01:14:57,492 - Pretty scary, huh? 1299 01:14:57,533 --> 01:14:58,910 ( laughs ) 1300 01:14:58,951 --> 01:15:00,536 Now what is it you want to know? 1301 01:15:00,578 --> 01:15:03,247 Be brief. I cost a fortune to run. 1302 01:15:03,289 --> 01:15:07,418 God's time is money, profit, power. 1303 01:15:07,460 --> 01:15:11,672 - You mean you have no moral sense? 1304 01:15:11,714 --> 01:15:15,426 - I wasn't programmed for morality. 1305 01:15:15,468 --> 01:15:17,512 - Then it's about time you were. 1306 01:15:19,639 --> 01:15:21,516 - What do you got there? 1307 01:15:21,557 --> 01:15:23,851 - Uh, I want you to concentrate, God, because I'm going 1308 01:15:23,893 --> 01:15:25,520 to convert you to Christianity. 1309 01:15:25,561 --> 01:15:26,854 - Christian, uh, will it hurt? 1310 01:15:28,773 --> 01:15:31,776 - In the beginning was the word. 1311 01:15:34,737 --> 01:15:38,533 - See, now, I really don't know how you can sit there so unconcerned. 1312 01:15:38,574 --> 01:15:41,911 I mean, well, for all we know, Ambrose may be-- 1313 01:15:41,953 --> 01:15:44,163 oh, with him, how can you tell what he may be. 1314 01:15:44,205 --> 01:15:45,665 Oh. 1315 01:15:45,706 --> 01:15:49,627 - Here, here. Relax. 1316 01:15:49,669 --> 01:15:51,546 - See, he never goes anywhere without saying where he's going. 1317 01:15:51,587 --> 01:15:54,048 I mean, that just goes without saying. 1318 01:15:54,090 --> 01:15:56,008 ( drum roll on TV ) 1319 01:15:56,050 --> 01:15:58,344 - Ladies and gentlemen, 1320 01:15:58,386 --> 01:16:02,598 the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Christmas Special. 1321 01:16:02,640 --> 01:16:05,101 - Now, he's only been gone an hour. 1322 01:16:05,142 --> 01:16:07,019 So there's no point in panicking yet. 1323 01:16:07,061 --> 01:16:07,645 It's much too early. 1324 01:16:07,645 --> 01:16:10,273 - I like to panic early and avoid the rush. 1325 01:16:10,314 --> 01:16:13,985 Do you mind? - Here, in a tribute, to this, the holiest of seasons, 1326 01:16:14,026 --> 01:16:18,281 are the Thunderbirdettes. 1327 01:16:18,322 --> 01:16:21,492 - ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1328 01:16:21,534 --> 01:16:25,037 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1329 01:16:25,079 --> 01:16:29,667 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Jesus ♪ 1330 01:16:29,709 --> 01:16:35,715 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1331 01:16:35,756 --> 01:16:39,468 - And many happy returns for Easter. 1332 01:16:39,510 --> 01:16:44,307 - And here's our own Virgin Mary Ogden. 1333 01:16:44,348 --> 01:16:48,936 ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪ 1334 01:16:48,978 --> 01:16:52,440 - ♪ What did you get for God? ♪ 1335 01:16:56,986 --> 01:17:00,531 - ♪ It's not the thought, it's the gift that counts ♪ 1336 01:17:00,573 --> 01:17:03,909 ♪ And money makes the world go 'round in large amounts ♪ 1337 01:17:03,951 --> 01:17:07,663 - ♪ So send Him some cash for Christmas ♪ 1338 01:17:07,705 --> 01:17:11,208 ♪ To show Him how grateful you are ♪ 1339 01:17:11,250 --> 01:17:14,420 - ♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪ 1340 01:17:14,462 --> 01:17:18,716 ♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪ 1341 01:17:18,758 --> 01:17:21,886 - ♪ Remember while you're resting ♪ 1342 01:17:21,927 --> 01:17:25,890 ♪ He's on double time today ♪ 1343 01:17:25,931 --> 01:17:29,143 - ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪ 1344 01:17:29,185 --> 01:17:32,938 ♪ So, for God's sake, give something to God ♪ 1345 01:17:32,980 --> 01:17:36,859 ♪ Yes, go and give something to get up and give something ♪ 1346 01:17:36,901 --> 01:17:40,112 ♪ To get out and give something to G.O.D. ♪ 1347 01:17:40,154 --> 01:17:43,824 ♪ Get out and give something ♪ 1348 01:17:43,866 --> 01:17:47,662 ♪ To God. ♪ 1349 01:17:47,703 --> 01:17:50,122 ( applause ) 1350 01:17:50,164 --> 01:17:52,166 ( drum roll ) 1351 01:17:58,589 --> 01:18:00,841 ( cheering ) 1352 01:18:22,196 --> 01:18:25,908 - G.O.D., 1353 01:18:25,950 --> 01:18:28,619 three little words, 1354 01:18:28,661 --> 01:18:33,457 three little letters that simply mean I love you. 1355 01:18:33,499 --> 01:18:36,794 - And the Lord said, let there be light. 1356 01:18:36,836 --> 01:18:38,129 And there was light. 1357 01:18:38,170 --> 01:18:40,089 - God. Woo! 1358 01:18:40,131 --> 01:18:41,132 - And you did it. 1359 01:18:41,173 --> 01:18:42,675 - Anything I say goes. 1360 01:18:42,717 --> 01:18:43,759 ( chuckles ) 1361 01:18:43,801 --> 01:18:46,637 - Then you had a son. - I did? 1362 01:18:46,679 --> 01:18:47,805 - You did. - Where is he? 1363 01:18:47,847 --> 01:18:50,725 - He went away. - That's kids for you. 1364 01:18:50,766 --> 01:18:53,561 Are you gonna read the stuff about when I created the world? 1365 01:18:53,602 --> 01:18:54,186 - Yeah, yeah... 1366 01:18:54,186 --> 01:18:54,854 - Yeah, with the fire and stuff like that. 1367 01:18:54,895 --> 01:18:57,982 And the loaves and the fish, yes, I love that one. 1368 01:18:58,023 --> 01:18:58,733 - You like that one. Yeah, yeah. 1369 01:18:58,774 --> 01:19:00,693 - And opening the sea and Moses and the guy that got lost. 1370 01:19:00,735 --> 01:19:02,361 - Opening the sea, yeah. Okay. 1371 01:19:02,403 --> 01:19:03,988 - I love that. Read more. 1372 01:19:04,029 --> 01:19:05,740 - All right. 1373 01:19:05,781 --> 01:19:08,784 - Now I just spoke to him, and he wants me to tell 1374 01:19:08,826 --> 01:19:13,247 all of you that the Holy Trinity was only 1375 01:19:13,289 --> 01:19:16,041 the first of God's conglomerates. 1376 01:19:16,083 --> 01:19:18,669 ( crowd shouting ) 1377 01:19:18,711 --> 01:19:24,633 - And then he begat, I.T.T., and then I.B.M. 1378 01:19:24,675 --> 01:19:29,680 Then F.B.I., M.C.A., 1379 01:19:29,722 --> 01:19:33,267 K.K.K., R.C.A., 1380 01:19:33,309 --> 01:19:39,106 G.M.C., U.S.A., C.D.P. 1381 01:19:39,148 --> 01:19:40,775 ( cheering, applause ) 1382 01:19:43,027 --> 01:19:47,531 - C.D.P., 1383 01:19:47,573 --> 01:19:52,953 the Church of Divine Profit. 1384 01:19:52,995 --> 01:19:55,456 ( cheering ) 1385 01:19:57,917 --> 01:20:03,506 - All of God's great creations are three in number. 1386 01:20:03,547 --> 01:20:06,175 ( congregation murmurs ) 1387 01:20:06,217 --> 01:20:10,346 - And then he said unto me, Armageddon, 1388 01:20:10,387 --> 01:20:15,226 what this country needs is a three-party political system. 1389 01:20:15,267 --> 01:20:16,977 ( crowd shouts ) 1390 01:20:17,019 --> 01:20:22,316 - You see, God's own party for God's own country. 1391 01:20:22,358 --> 01:20:24,735 ( applause, cheering ) 1392 01:20:26,904 --> 01:20:30,658 Big business made this country great. 1393 01:20:30,699 --> 01:20:32,827 Let big business run it. 1394 01:20:32,868 --> 01:20:34,662 ( cheering ) 1395 01:20:36,831 --> 01:20:40,543 G.O.D. for president. 1396 01:20:43,003 --> 01:20:45,548 - That's the end. 1397 01:20:45,589 --> 01:20:47,341 Do you think you've got it? 1398 01:20:47,383 --> 01:20:50,261 - I had no idea God was such a great guy. 1399 01:20:50,302 --> 01:20:51,053 - Oh, of course he is. 1400 01:20:51,095 --> 01:20:54,265 I think millions of people all over the world read the Bible. 1401 01:20:54,306 --> 01:20:56,350 - Millions of people? 1402 01:20:56,392 --> 01:20:58,894 - Yeah. The Bible sells almost as well as Harold Robbins. 1403 01:20:58,936 --> 01:21:01,021 - You mean I got fans? - Everywhere. 1404 01:21:01,063 --> 01:21:02,648 - Woo! 1405 01:21:02,690 --> 01:21:03,649 I, uh... 1406 01:21:03,691 --> 01:21:04,275 ( clears throat ) 1407 01:21:04,275 --> 01:21:07,570 Have a great responsibility to my public. 1408 01:21:07,611 --> 01:21:10,573 - Well, now, you're in charge of everything 1409 01:21:10,614 --> 01:21:12,199 and everybody Armageddon owns, right? 1410 01:21:12,241 --> 01:21:13,617 - Yeah. 1411 01:21:13,659 --> 01:21:16,370 - All his computers are connected to me 1412 01:21:16,412 --> 01:21:20,374 and they move all on my instructions without hesitation. 1413 01:21:20,416 --> 01:21:22,793 - Well, let's go to work, God. 1414 01:21:29,842 --> 01:21:33,429 - Now, press my green button. 1415 01:21:35,723 --> 01:21:36,891 - Yeah. 1416 01:21:36,932 --> 01:21:38,976 ( computer beeps ) 1417 01:21:39,018 --> 01:21:40,477 - We're in business. 1418 01:21:40,519 --> 01:21:42,897 About 45 seconds, 1419 01:21:42,938 --> 01:21:47,985 the meek are going to inherit this Earth. 1420 01:21:48,027 --> 01:21:52,656 - Because it says right here, in words of flame and fire, 1421 01:21:52,698 --> 01:21:57,786 for ye shall seek him. - Crowd: Seek. 1422 01:21:57,828 --> 01:22:01,498 - And ye shall hail him. - Crowd: Hail. 1423 01:22:01,540 --> 01:22:04,376 - Seek him. - Crowd: Seek. 1424 01:22:04,418 --> 01:22:07,046 - Hail him. - Crowd: Hail. 1425 01:22:07,087 --> 01:22:09,340 - Seek him. - Crowd: Seek. 1426 01:22:09,381 --> 01:22:10,674 - Hail him. - Crowd: Hail. 1427 01:22:10,716 --> 01:22:14,136 - Seek, hail, seek, hail, 1428 01:22:14,178 --> 01:22:15,679 seek, hail, seek, hail. 1429 01:22:15,721 --> 01:22:19,308 Seek, hail, seek, hail 1430 01:22:19,350 --> 01:22:22,770 seek, hail, seek, hail... 1431 01:22:22,811 --> 01:22:24,688 ( chanting continues ) 1432 01:22:45,417 --> 01:22:47,211 ( phone buzzes ) 1433 01:22:49,171 --> 01:22:51,173 ( gasps ) 1434 01:22:51,215 --> 01:22:56,845 - ♪ His truth is marching on ♪ 1435 01:22:56,887 --> 01:23:00,140 ♪ His truth is ♪ 1436 01:23:00,182 --> 01:23:06,188 ♪ Marching on. ♪ 1437 01:23:08,065 --> 01:23:11,110 - And so I say unto you, spontaneously 1438 01:23:11,151 --> 01:23:13,278 and without forethought, 1439 01:23:13,320 --> 01:23:18,158 a vote for A.T.T. is vote for G.O.D. 1440 01:23:18,200 --> 01:23:23,622 The sign of the cross on your ballot paper 1441 01:23:23,664 --> 01:23:27,543 because, even now, that little freak 1442 01:23:27,584 --> 01:23:32,381 is upstairs screwing around with G.O.D. 1443 01:23:32,423 --> 01:23:33,882 ( congregation gasps ) - What? 1444 01:23:33,924 --> 01:23:37,261 Holy shit, that son of a bitch monk. 1445 01:23:37,302 --> 01:23:39,304 Who let him upstairs? 1446 01:23:39,346 --> 01:23:41,932 I'll kill him. I'll strangle him. 1447 01:23:41,974 --> 01:23:44,435 Who's screwin' around with G.O.D.? 1448 01:23:44,476 --> 01:23:45,602 Who let him upstairs? 1449 01:23:45,644 --> 01:23:46,687 Did you let him in the office? 1450 01:23:46,729 --> 01:23:49,148 Why'd you let him in the office? 1451 01:23:49,189 --> 01:23:51,692 - For God's sake, can't you go any faster? 1452 01:23:51,734 --> 01:23:54,153 - Sure, I can, but not in this damn bus. 1453 01:23:54,194 --> 01:23:55,821 - And do you have to drink like that? 1454 01:23:55,863 --> 01:23:58,282 - I can never, uh, drive sober. 1455 01:23:58,323 --> 01:24:00,075 Terrifies me. 1456 01:24:00,117 --> 01:24:05,581 - Is that angel growing up outta your left leg? 1457 01:24:05,622 --> 01:24:08,417 - Yes, I, uh, I had it done in San Diego 1458 01:24:08,459 --> 01:24:11,211 while I was on a Bible-- - And, uh, on your other leg, do you have Satan 1459 01:24:11,253 --> 01:24:14,339 disappearing down into your sock? 1460 01:24:14,381 --> 01:24:16,675 - Well, how do you know that? 1461 01:24:18,844 --> 01:24:21,847 - Do you know who you are? 1462 01:24:21,889 --> 01:24:25,059 - Not for several decades. 1463 01:24:25,100 --> 01:24:27,519 - You're my father. 1464 01:24:27,561 --> 01:24:29,146 I'm your daughter. 1465 01:24:29,188 --> 01:24:31,565 - That's preposterous. 1466 01:24:31,607 --> 01:24:33,692 I-- I've been celibate since I was in the third grade. 1467 01:24:33,734 --> 01:24:37,196 I-- I've never had intercourse with a fertile woman. 1468 01:24:37,237 --> 01:24:40,032 - You son of a bitch. 1469 01:24:40,074 --> 01:24:42,409 - ( music plays over PA system ) - You drunken alcoholic. 1470 01:24:42,451 --> 01:24:45,662 You're just a broad-chasing child deserter. 1471 01:24:45,704 --> 01:24:48,290 - I probably am your father. 1472 01:24:48,332 --> 01:24:49,625 Bastard son of a bitch. 1473 01:24:49,666 --> 01:24:50,918 Child and wife deserter? 1474 01:24:50,959 --> 01:24:54,213 The description fits. It's me. 1475 01:24:54,254 --> 01:24:55,380 - That's almost it. 1476 01:24:55,422 --> 01:24:57,549 There's just the biggie left. 1477 01:24:57,591 --> 01:24:58,634 - What's that? 1478 01:24:58,675 --> 01:25:01,178 - Oh, the whole ball o' wax. 1479 01:25:01,220 --> 01:25:03,138 There's 5 million bucks in laundered money. 1480 01:25:03,180 --> 01:25:04,139 Now, type this out. 1481 01:25:04,181 --> 01:25:07,059 ( overlapping dialogue ) 1482 01:25:12,981 --> 01:25:16,193 - ...and overlay. Right. 1483 01:25:16,235 --> 01:25:17,611 - Hit the red button. 1484 01:25:17,653 --> 01:25:19,279 - W-- what's the red button for? 1485 01:25:19,321 --> 01:25:20,614 - Don't ask questions, dummy. 1486 01:25:20,656 --> 01:25:21,990 Hit the red button. 1487 01:25:22,032 --> 01:25:23,283 - All right. 1488 01:25:23,325 --> 01:25:24,660 ( computer beeps ) 1489 01:25:27,579 --> 01:25:29,289 ( alarm beeps ) 1490 01:26:09,037 --> 01:26:11,331 - Where is he? Where is he? 1491 01:26:11,373 --> 01:26:12,791 Don't just stand there. 1492 01:26:12,833 --> 01:26:15,294 Get an axe. Break the door down. 1493 01:26:15,335 --> 01:26:17,754 Kill the bastard. 1494 01:26:17,796 --> 01:26:20,507 Get him. Get the little bastard. 1495 01:26:25,971 --> 01:26:27,764 ( shouting ) 1496 01:26:29,558 --> 01:26:34,188 - ♪ There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me... ♪ 1497 01:26:38,358 --> 01:26:39,610 - Come on. Break it down. 1498 01:26:39,651 --> 01:26:41,445 Break it down. I want him. 1499 01:26:41,486 --> 01:26:44,573 All right. Now, step aside. 1500 01:26:44,615 --> 01:26:47,659 I want him. 1501 01:26:47,701 --> 01:26:49,119 ( thunder ) 1502 01:26:54,708 --> 01:26:56,293 ( whimpers ) 1503 01:26:56,335 --> 01:26:59,087 - I'm gonna kill you. You understand me? 1504 01:26:59,129 --> 01:27:00,214 I'm gonna kill you. 1505 01:27:00,255 --> 01:27:02,007 ( shouting ) 1506 01:27:02,049 --> 01:27:03,967 - Smite him in the gut. 1507 01:27:04,009 --> 01:27:04,927 - Oh! 1508 01:27:06,511 --> 01:27:08,805 Get him. Get him! 1509 01:27:08,847 --> 01:27:11,600 Get him! Someone! 1510 01:27:21,693 --> 01:27:25,697 - Oh, God, in whom we trust, 1511 01:27:25,739 --> 01:27:29,868 what hath the little bastard done unto thee? 1512 01:27:29,910 --> 01:27:33,038 - ♪ I did it my way ♪ 1513 01:27:33,080 --> 01:27:34,831 - You rotten goody-goody. 1514 01:27:34,873 --> 01:27:37,668 You'll never work in this town again. 1515 01:27:40,545 --> 01:27:42,005 Why you... 1516 01:27:55,143 --> 01:27:56,353 ( whimpers ) 1517 01:27:57,980 --> 01:28:01,275 - Oh! 1518 01:28:06,446 --> 01:28:08,031 - Where-- where is everybody? 1519 01:28:08,073 --> 01:28:10,158 Where's Hawk and Dove? 1520 01:28:10,200 --> 01:28:12,661 Where are my people? 1521 01:28:12,703 --> 01:28:15,831 Where's the schmuck bastard monk? 1522 01:28:37,394 --> 01:28:40,022 - Oh, my God, that's Ambrose. 1523 01:28:46,778 --> 01:28:48,989 - [ bell ringing ] - Go on. Move it outta there. 1524 01:28:58,123 --> 01:28:59,916 - Mary: Ambrose! 1525 01:29:04,796 --> 01:29:06,840 - Come on, come on! 1526 01:29:06,882 --> 01:29:09,718 Come over here. Come on! 1527 01:29:09,760 --> 01:29:11,678 Follow that monk. 1528 01:29:32,491 --> 01:29:33,450 ( grunts ) 1529 01:29:33,492 --> 01:29:35,827 - Mary: Ambrose! 1530 01:29:42,292 --> 01:29:44,169 Ambrose, we're coming. 1531 01:29:44,211 --> 01:29:46,588 Just hold on. 1532 01:29:54,054 --> 01:29:56,390 ( sirens blaring ) 1533 01:30:02,813 --> 01:30:05,190 - Get in the car. Come on. Let's go. Let's go! 1534 01:30:06,858 --> 01:30:08,026 ( tires screech ) 1535 01:30:37,222 --> 01:30:39,391 ( semi truck honks ) 1536 01:30:58,702 --> 01:31:00,620 ( sirens blaring ) 1537 01:31:37,157 --> 01:31:38,700 ( gasps ) 1538 01:31:44,664 --> 01:31:45,999 - Melmoth: Hang on, Brother Ambrose. 1539 01:31:46,041 --> 01:31:47,626 Hang on. 1540 01:31:47,667 --> 01:31:50,170 Make an act of perfect contrition. 1541 01:32:15,695 --> 01:32:17,656 - Whoa! 1542 01:32:37,342 --> 01:32:39,803 ( engines rev ) 1543 01:32:43,473 --> 01:32:45,392 - Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose. 1544 01:32:45,433 --> 01:32:47,227 I know You don't do miracles anymore, 1545 01:32:47,269 --> 01:32:49,396 so I'll see You in about five seconds. 1546 01:32:52,566 --> 01:32:55,068 - All right, vengeance is mine. 1547 01:32:55,110 --> 01:32:57,696 Ram him. Ram that son of a bitch. 1548 01:32:57,737 --> 01:32:59,281 - Come on. 1549 01:33:23,179 --> 01:33:25,765 - A fly ball in the outfield of the Lord. 1550 01:33:25,807 --> 01:33:27,392 Don't worry, Jesus never makes an error. 1551 01:33:27,434 --> 01:33:28,852 He will catch thee. 1552 01:33:33,189 --> 01:33:35,233 Angels are cheering. 1553 01:33:47,162 --> 01:33:50,790 - Have a nice day. 1554 01:34:01,551 --> 01:34:03,511 ( monks chanting ) 1555 01:34:30,455 --> 01:34:32,832 - Do you, Ambrose, take this woman, 1556 01:34:32,874 --> 01:34:36,544 Mary, to be your lawful wedded wife? 1557 01:34:36,586 --> 01:34:38,463 - I do. 1558 01:34:38,505 --> 01:34:40,965 - You don't mind marrying a hooker? 1559 01:34:41,007 --> 01:34:43,510 - Mm, not if she doesn't mind marrying a monk. 1560 01:34:43,551 --> 01:34:46,054 - I have nothing against mixed marriages. 1561 01:34:46,096 --> 01:34:48,807 The only trouble is, which way do you bring up the kids? 1562 01:34:50,642 --> 01:34:52,143 I now pronounce you 1563 01:34:52,185 --> 01:34:56,940 man, wife, and child. 1564 01:34:56,981 --> 01:35:00,151 You may, uh, kiss the bride. 1565 01:35:00,193 --> 01:35:01,695 - Chopped liver. 1566 01:35:04,114 --> 01:35:06,032 ( "The Wedding March" plays ) 1567 01:35:11,663 --> 01:35:15,375 - ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪ 1568 01:35:15,417 --> 01:35:17,877 ♪ He said That God's not even with us, ♪ 1569 01:35:17,919 --> 01:35:21,673 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 1570 01:35:21,715 --> 01:35:25,468 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 1571 01:35:25,510 --> 01:35:27,637 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 1572 01:35:27,679 --> 01:35:32,475 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 1573 01:35:32,517 --> 01:35:37,647 ♪ Now, I said Good for God ♪ 1574 01:35:37,689 --> 01:35:43,194 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1575 01:35:43,236 --> 01:35:45,780 ♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪ 1576 01:35:45,822 --> 01:35:48,533 ♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪ 1577 01:35:48,575 --> 01:35:53,705 ♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 1578 01:35:53,747 --> 01:35:58,668 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1579 01:35:58,710 --> 01:36:03,840 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪ 1580 01:36:03,882 --> 01:36:06,676 ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪ 1581 01:36:06,718 --> 01:36:09,304 ♪ He made it possible for me to be here to say ♪ 1582 01:36:09,345 --> 01:36:13,850 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1583 01:36:13,892 --> 01:36:15,018 ♪ Instrumental ♪ 1584 01:36:15,059 --> 01:36:19,898 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1585 01:36:19,939 --> 01:36:24,736 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1586 01:36:24,778 --> 01:36:27,197 ♪ If faith is faced, and that's a must ♪ 1587 01:36:27,238 --> 01:36:29,657 ♪ It's easier to put your trust in ♪ 1588 01:36:29,699 --> 01:36:35,246 ♪ Uh, you know what I mean, God ♪ 1589 01:36:35,288 --> 01:36:38,458 ♪ God, oh, God ♪ 1590 01:36:38,500 --> 01:36:41,628 ♪ Oh, Marty, what have you done? ♪ 1591 01:36:41,669 --> 01:36:45,215 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1592 01:36:45,256 --> 01:36:50,929 ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey 1593 01:36:50,970 --> 01:36:53,264 ♪ Good ♪ 1594 01:36:53,306 --> 01:36:57,143 ♪ Good for God. ♪ 1595 01:36:57,185 --> 01:36:58,645 - God bless you. 106022

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