All language subtitles for Spaced Out (Norman Warren, 1979)

Why we stopped, Ollie?

Why, is a such nice spot.

I thought we'd take in
some fresh air, darling.

- But it's terribly cold, Ollie.
- Well, I can keep you warm, my petal.

- You're practically sitting on top of me.
- Oh, sorry.

Don't stare at me like that, Oliver

Well, it's only because
I find you so attractive.

If you love someone, it means you
sometimes find them attractive as well,

- Doesn't it?
- Well, it's very rude.

I saw some lovely curtain
material this morning,

in that little shop
I told you about.

What's that, darling?

Some curtain material
for our house, silly.

The little house we're going
to buy when we're married.

Lovely, darling.
What's it like?

It's got a sort of
flowered pattern on it.

Stop that, Oliver.
How many times do I have to tell you?

For God's sake, Prudence, don't you
realize how frustrated I am?

I could end up ill or impotent.

When we're married, Ollie.
You can have it as much as you want.

On Saturday nights, anyway.

And will you please
stop calling me Ollie?

Was I saying?

Oh, yes, the curtain material.

It's got these little flowers.

They're sort of blue. Blue
like the color of the sky.

Oh, isn't the sky
beautiful today, Ollie?

Wonderful.

I have to report a potential malfunction
in the main navigational system..

Are you sure about that?

Main computer predicts total non function of
all navigational systems in 3 hours.

Ship's computer here. Affirmative.
We're in pretty bad shape.

Get Engineering onto it, soonest.

I don't want to be stuck
out here for a micro sync.

And longer than necessary.

Come in, Engineering. Control requires
situation report of malfunction.

Listen to me, Engineering.

You tell what's going on
soonest. Do you read me?

Yeah, I read you.

But if you don't leave me alone,
I might get somehow.

Listen, there's a spot down there
that thinks it's a planet.

And the computer
informs me that it's

crawling with some pretty
noxious life forms.

So you get yourself moving
or we'll have to land.

I can't cruise around the galaxy
without a navigational system. Got that?

- What do you mean?
- You always going on it.

- It? What it?
- You know what I mean.

It that do I want.
Look, I'm so frustrated.

You are just like
your blasted mother.

What do you think
about this?

- That's better than you.
- For God's sake, quiet.

Normal, you know.

I'm a normal, full blooded man.
It's only natural to want it.

You're filthy.
It's all you ever think about.

Darling. Look, I do love you for
your mind as well. Really, I do.

Come on, please.

Get back into the car.
You'll just catch a chill.

Christ, I must do something
about my sex life.

I'm beginning to hallucinate.

- What's your situation, engineering.
- It's no good.

I'm not going to do it in time.

That means we're
going to have to land.

Give me a rundown on
the indigenous inhabitants.

Aggressive carnivorous life forms which
congregate densely populated clusters.

- Crude but effective weaponry.
- What about their detection systems?

Detection systems minimal.
We should bypass these without difficulty.

Find me a quadrant where there aren't
any of these aggressive clusters.

Understood. But we've
insufficient time to guarantee

total absence of lifeforms
in the chosen area.

If we encounter any lifeforms
we'll welcome them and

keep them under surveillance
until we're ready to leave.

- Right?
- Affirmative.

Can you hear that?
It sounds like heavy breathing.

Well, it's certainly not me.

Good gracious.
Whatever that was, it was damn close.

Must have landed the
other side of the wood.

I've gone blind.
They told me it was no wise tale.

Come on, darling.
Let's go and have a look.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Well, I think there's been an accident.

- Really?
- Yes. Somebody may be hurt.

- Have we gonna a look?
- Yes.

Extraordinary!

It's gone very dark all of a sudden.

Well, you see, what's happened
is the intensity of the

light has caused the
peripheral area too dark.

Rubbish. It's just one of
those mobile discos.

Mobile?

I've never heard anything
so absurd in my life.

- I think it's a UFO.
- You might have something there.

I'll take a look
inside, have a look.

- Aren't you chicken?
- Chicken? Certainly not. Come on darling.

Good gracious.

Ollie.

- What happened there?
- I don't know.

A conventional life form.
Frightened, somewhat disorientated.

Apparently no aggression.

Estimated combat ability, no.

Bizarre clothing.

- Disappointing specimen.
- Send the next.

What is that?

Oh, this specimen
appears to have absolutely

no tissue growth on
its chest whatsoever.

Probably a mutation.

So it could be the result
of punitive surgery.

- I could punch out a computer search.
- Do that.

Prudence, darling.
Just stay where you are.

I'll be there you out
of there in a jiffy.

Another creature with no
mammary projections.

That's better.
She's going to fight it.

Give me some audio.

Ollie! Ollie!
He call me a silly cow.

Just calm, calm down, darling.
We must try and be rational about.

How can I be rational when I'm
locked up here against my will?

With a man like that.

"Whit a man like that?"

You wouldn't recognize a real
man if he sat on your face.

- By the way, not a bad idea.
- I say, that's a bit steep, you know.

Oh, I say, that's a bit steep, is it?
Why don't you leave it here?

No, no, no, hear.
I don't like that tone.

Talk like y'all.
Say like that again, stopped!

- I shall have your guts for guts.
- Ollie!

I wouldn't mind turning her
volume down permanently.

I say, let me in.
Open up.

This can never be a mobile disco.

Ship's computer here.

One of the aliens has a missed observation
and is wandering down towards Engineering.

Has it done any damage?

No, but it took something
big and sticky at

the cavities and stuck it
under one of my monitors.

I don't see why I should have to
put up with this sort of thing.

Plug out, Computer.
Give me the drive unit.

Drive unit, come in, please.

- Drive unit, do you read me?
- Yes, I read you.

Alien intruder approaching Engineering.
Please intercept and disarm if necessary.

Very well.

Hello? Anybody in?

Yoohy.

- Don't move.
- I'm sorry, but you see, I was lost and...

I said don't move.

Are you armed?

- What happened to your chest?
- My chest?

There is nothing there.
Did you have an accident?

I don't understand?

Put your hands
above your head.

- Going to give you the one server.
- You are.

Nothing personal.

What is that?

- Have you got a weapon down there?
- No.

You'd better tell me or
I'll blow your brains out.

Space rats. Is this some
kind of defense mechanism?

No, It's my body.
Please, let go.

It's changing shape.

- What are those?
- Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Give.

- I don't think you'll be interested.
- Come on. Come on.

I'm only looking
after him for a friend.

- What are they doing there?
- Well, he... What?

Is it a sport?
Some kind of game?

It's not a sport.

Is that what your
body looks like?

Well, sort of, but I'm a
little bit more skinnier than him.

And that's the thing that's down
the front of your trousers?

Yes, but I'm a little
more compact.

Amazing. I like that.
That's normal where I come from.

- See, I have a chest like that, too.
- Pardon?

See?

- Anyway, what are the rules of this sport?
- There aren't any rules.

No rules? Incredible.

- How does it start?
- Well, sort of just starts.

- Are you any good at it?
- Well, I'm not bad.

Think I could beat you?

- I couldn't do it with you.
- Why not?

I don't know your name
or where you come from.

I mean, well, how'd
you stand politically.

- You said there weren't any rules.
- There aren't any rules.

It just sort of happens.
You may not even notice.

- You mean it can be a surprise.
- Yes, certainly will be in my case.

- What is that?
- What?

- How was that?
- I cant, I can't breath.

- I surprised you, didn't I?
- Oh, yes.

- Okay, now what? Or is that it?
- Oh, no, that's not it.

Come in, please.
Did you intercept the alien?

Affirmative.
I have it under close surveillance.

- Bring it along to observation immediately.
- Right. Come on, let's go.

Oh, sugar!

- One moment, what's your name?
- My name is Partha.

Come on.

How absolutely fascinating.

Now, listen, everybody.
Listen, please.

It seems perfectly obvious
to me that this situation

requires a scientifically,
logical and objective approach.

That's the only way we're going to
solve this somewhat tricky little problem.

Have you thought
of something, Ollie?

Well, I'm not quite sure
how these doors operate.

But it's probably a photoelectric
cell and silicone chip circuit.

- But I might just be able to bypass it.
- Oh, Ollie, you're marvelous.

I don't believe it.

He's going to try and break
up with a bloody screwdriver.

- Now, let me see.
- Have he done it?

Ah, our expert on UFOs.

Meet any green headed
monsters, did we?

Oh, why did you have to come in, then?
You could have escaped.

She wanted me.

She jumped on top of me.

And she's so beautiful.

Look. What's going on?
Why are we being kept here?

- Have you ever been in love?
- What?

In love.

It's fantastic. Just like in
the songs. It's all so true.

Lovely.

Poor bastard's blown a fuse.

They've brainwashed him.
Filled him with drugs.

You can't affect something
that isn't there.

Oh, my God.
It'll be our turn next.

They'll pump us full of addictive poisons
that will destroy our brain cells.

You just wait till I
get my contact lenses.

Look, is this with you?
If so, keep it quiet.

- Oh, really?
- Really.

Women like you shouldn't
be seen, let alone heard.

Partha. Partha Blodgett. No,
I have to change my name.

- Listen, will everybody, please, calm down?
- Did you hear what he said to me? Oliver?

Prudence.
For God's sake, shut up!

Now then, situations like this
require a natural leader,

and with my scientific training...

Ah, bullshit! You're about as
scientific as a square wheel.

I hate you, Oliver.
I'm breaking off our engagement.

- Care to repeat that?
- Certainly.

What about Simpson?
Or Fitzwarren Hemington.

Something sophisticated like that?

I hate you, Oliver.
I hate you.

You realize, of course, that I
might be forced to strike you.

Terrific.
I could do with a laugh.

Good Lord.

I tolerate no resistance.

Behave well and you
will remain unharmed.

Behave badly and I will terminate you
in an obscure and painful fashion.

Who are you?
What are you keeping us here for?

We're just passing through.
You'll come to no harm if you do as I say.

- Where are you taking us?
- The hospitality room.

The hospitality room?
That sounds nice, doesn't it?

You men, you're hopeless.

Get moving.

Quite a heavy lady.

Did you dig that outfit?

Yeah, I bet it's hot
in all that leather.

We welcome our visitors
to the hospitality room.

We hope your stay will be a
happy and a pleasant one.

We would like to point out that
the wide variety of life forms

entertained in this room make it
impossible to cater for all tastes.

Dinner will be served shortly.

Thank you for your attention.

Hey, it's a bit like the saloon bar.
The dog and duck.

- Pru.
- Don't touch me.

Don't come near me,
and don't even talk to me.

Prudence, please.

And if we get out of this
alive, I want all my records back.

Hey, a jukebox. Whoa!

Ten pay.

Hey did they have low-alc?

What kind of food did they
eat? I am starving.

You mean, what kind of
food do they eat?

They eat the same kind of
food as we do, you burke.

I suppose you think beef burgers
are common throughout the galaxy.

Oh, you're not still on
about this UFO rubbish.

It's not rubbish.
I've got proof.

Proof? Proof what?

That these people come
from another planet.

You're a bit of a
comedian, aren't you?

And what might this proof be?

Well, with this woman,
see, and well, she and me...

And then we... well...

I'd rather not talk about it.
It's a bit embarrassing.

Embarrassing?
What are you on about?

It's personal.
I'd rather not talk about it.

- Prudence!
- What?

I got you.
You spoke to me.

Attention. Attention. Alien
life forces are surrounding the ship.

And don't say I
didn't warn you.

It's the army.
They've come to rescue us.

Seems to be a highly organized,
encircling maneuver.

Come in, Partha. Do
you read me, Partha?

Yes, I hear you.

What is it now?

We're going to have
to take off. It's an emergency.

Can the ship handle it?

- Hardly in our stage of repairs.
- Shut up and plug out.

Yes, I think so,
but take it easy.

Use a bit of clutch for a change.

Look, I'm the computer around here,
and I'm telling you,

taking off won't do
you any good.

What's that horrid
man talking about?

It's a computer, not a man.

Well, it's jolly rude.

Okay, everybody, let's go.

You pig.

Your takeoffs are
improving, skipper.

I better check on the aliens.
I'll bring them some dinner.

If you were real men,
you'd attack them.

Then we could escape.

I couldn't kick my way out
of a wet paper bag right now.

Let alone take that
chick in the leathers.

- Hey, another telly.
- That's not a telly, is a window.

Look, we really are in space.
They really are aliens.

No, no, it's some sort
of optical illusion.

No, it's not. Look.
That's Africa.

Or is it South America?
I can never remember.

Christ, I'm never going to get
to work on time tomorrow.

- I hope everyone is hungry.
- I said.

Very nice.

- May I help you?
- Yes.

Wait.

I hope medium rare is satisfactory.

Oh, yes. Thank you very much.
It's very nice indeed.

I'd like you to meet
your fellow guests.

If you put these coins in,
he will talk to you.

If you require anything else,
please don't hesitate to ask.

Funny looking food.
Nice looking girl, though, eh?

Fantastic.

I've heard of mills on wheels,
but this is ridiculous.

Yes, I must say she
was rather attractive.

I think you're all disgusting.

Can't you see what a
vulgar little tart she is?

I don't know.
Just calm down, darling.

Come and have something to eat.

You really must keep your
strength up, you know.

I'm not eating any of that muck.
I don't know where it's been.

Actually, it's quite delicious.
Tastes a bit like fish fingers.

Mind you, I could murder some chips.

Attention. Attention.
Look, I know nobody's interested,

But will you listen to me for
just one moment, please?

If you don't do something,

about the condition of this ship,
there will be

a state of total
malfunction within 2 hours.

Well, as you can see,
the drive units have fused

together, and the navigational
lasers are out of sync again.

- ...in sync again. Sync again...
- Get on with it.

Whoops. Sorry.
Now then, what was I saying?

- The lasers. The lasers.
- Yes..

they're in pretty bad shape,
but I'm not very hot on lasers myself.

It seems that the engineer is
pretty useless in this area, too.

Watch it you.

You'll be glad to hear, however, that the
Sauna Come laundry unit is fully functional.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, I forgot to mention.

The antifart system went off
accidentally in the cargo hold.

All the soft furnishing
fabrics have been destroyed.

That's does it.

A ruined ship and
a worthless cargo.

We're in bankrupt.

- Not necessarily.
- What do you mean?

We've got another cargo now.
Aliens.

No, there'll be too much expense.

We've got to feed them
and keep them warm.

And entertain them.

I know of a private zoo in Betelgeuse.
They pay fantastically for unusual aliens.

- That's unethical.
- It's illegal.

But highly profitable.

It's against all the civilized
codes of intergalactic behavior.

We will do it.

First of all, we must
check them out properly.

Intelligence, strength, physiology.

I think we might be on to a winner.
Look at these.

See, the ones with the flat
chest have these strange appendages.

I've never seen anything like it.
They must be worth a fortune.

Biologically speaking.
Most interesting.

Yes, we'll have to do
a detailed analysis.

What are these creatures
doing anyway?

Looks like a combat
technique to me.

- No, it's a sport.
- Nonsense, It's hand to hand combat.

I disagree. I think it's
a religious rite or ceremony.

I mean, look at the expression
of ecstasy on that face.

Well, here's an expression of agony.

Look, the flat chested
specimen has his

legs looped around the
normal lifeform's head.

- Well, it's a primitive stranglehold.
- You're both way off target.

It's a sport.

A small creature with the miniature
windows on his face told me.

I get a strange
feeling looking at these.

I'm sure it's an intense
spiritual communication.

Old sentimental drivel, Cosia.

Anyone can see they're beating
hell out of each other.

That's all you
ever think about.

Any insubordination, Partha
and you'll find out why.

Now then, Cosia, I'd
like you to run the

bios scan on one of the
flat chested specimens.

And, Partha, you can do
some intelligence tests.

I'll check their reflexes,
aggression capabilities

and behavior under
stress situations.

Report back to me when you're
done. And Partha...

if we're ever going to get to
Betelgeuse, you'd better do some repair.

Do you know what this is?

- Do you want a drink?
- No thanks.

This is fantastic. It tastes
like cherry brandy.

Oh really?

I've been watching you and you're
not as grim as I thought.

What on earth do you mean?

Well, I bet you're quite attractive
underneath those gungy clothes.

Gungy clothes?

Hey, now that you're not engaged
to old singer over there,

perhaps we might
make it together.

- Make it?
- Yeah!

Look, I've been around, right?

So you across with the goods.

Look after me every now and again
and I'll look after you. Deal?

Ollie, he's asked me to
come across with the goods.

Well, I could have
saved him the trouble.

- What?
- Nothing, petal.

Hey, who wants some music?
A request?

Yeah?

Oh God!

Oh, no! Not another
Jesus freak?

- Who are you?
- I'm from Cygnus Maxima.

I'm an analyst.

- He's an analyst.
- That's right, sonny.

Put your money in.
I sort out your hang-ups'.

So, what's your beef? Baby?

Mother complex?
Fear of open spaces?

I'm telling you,
I've seen them all.

- You. Come with me.
- Me? My pleasure.

Excuse me, have you seen Partha?

- Partha? Why?
- Nothing.

Are you enjoying your drink?

It's distilled from
Venusian bear's urine.

One of the most sought
after drinks in the galaxy.

Here.
Goes well with the smoke.

Thank you very much, sir.

I mean, Miss.

I'm in love with two people
at the same time. What can I do?

- Yeah.
- Oh, never mind. Here, I need your help.

- What do you know about love?
- Love?

- No such thing.
- You're a waste of money.

Sorry.

You just keep that money
coming out, and I'll

explain everything you
need to know about love.

Tell me, are you an intelligent
member of your species?

Well, I've got two "O" levels.

What's wrong with this statement?
All generalizations are false.

- Search me.
- No hands.

'No hands'.
Search me...

Sorry.

Well, it's a
generalization, isn't it?

So, how do you generalize
above generalizations?

- Hey?
- Oh, never mind.

- What do you do for a living?
- Well, stock shelves in a supermarket.

You can have ten free minutes
consultation for that.

You probably need it.

Oh, God. It's very nice to see you.
How you been keeping? All right?

This way, please.

Don't go, Ollie. You don't
know what she's going to do.

Well, take me.
Go on.

- It's a routine examination.
- Well, examine me.

I think I'd better do
as she says, darling.

Nobody's going to get hurt.

You want to go, don't you?
Oh, you're despicable.

Just calm down.
Calm down.

Come on, let's go.

Ollie.

- Have you got clean underwear on?
- Prudence...

You can't win them all, kiddo.

Would my mother
miss me?

Cow shit.

- Do you know why you're here?
- I've got a pretty good idea.

Well, in that case, you'll be
well prepared for this little test.

Yes, fairly evenly matched.

Useless.

Are you paying attention?

Right, what's the cube
root of 3264.5?

Well, if you give me a couple of ticks,
I could give you a rough approximation.

I need a positive answer now.

Gracious.
Must be the gymnasium.

- Are you paying attention?
- Definitely.

Right, give me the formula which relates
contracting mass with gravitational pull.

Can we start with the easy ones?

Well, can you answer?

I don't have the faintest idea
what you're talking about.

- Come in, Partha.
- Keep that maniac away from me.

- Total negative on the combat test.
- Likewise intelligence, skipper.

Tell Cosia not to bother with the Bioscan's.
They're worthless.

Affirmative.
What about the other creatures?

We might as well run checks
on the flat chested one.

The normal life form will have
to be returned to its habitat.

I can't sell a superior
species to the zoo.

Where's that so called engineer?

Don't you realize that everything
on this ship is falling to bits?

Oh, shut up and plug out.
I'm busy. Come on

Get this door.

What are you doing?

- Why did you do that on my neck?
- Because you have a fantastic neck.

Why, didn't you like it?
I've had no complaints before.

Like it? What
do you mean?

Come in here,
and I'll explain.

Do you understand?
Only the other day when I asked

him whether he preferred
wallpaper or paint in the sitting room,

he flung down his paper, said a
very rude word and walked out.

Well, If he's acts like that after
two months of engagement,

what's he going to be like
after 30 years of marriage?

They still have wallpaper
in these parts, do they?

Did I ever mention to
you that I wanted to

be an interior designer,
but Mother wouldn't let me?

I never wanted to be an analyst.
I mean, can you imagine what it's like

year after year,
listening to people pouring out

the futile dregs of their
underdeveloped minds?

Depression. Boy, can I tell you
a few things about depression.

Not many people bother with wallpaper.
I think it's a terrible shame.

Do you?

You.

Me?

I see you guys later.

The chamber of horrors.

I didn't mean, it's quite
nice place, actually.

Oh, so there's my...

What's this?

Chest expanders.

Are you all right?

- Cosia, come in, please.
- Read you, skipper.

You better do a bios scan
on the small flat chested creature.

- We'll do.
- And be careful. He is extremely dangerous.

- Do you understand?
- Amazing.

Most bizarre.

- What was that?
- Oh nothing.

- Open your mouth.
- What for?

- How was that?
- Not bad at all.

You'll soon get the hang of it.

- What are you going to do?
- I'm recording details of your body.

My body?

Actually, we're very interested
in your metabolism.

Metabolism.

Well, I had them
removed with my tonsils.

Perfect.

Now, would you remove your
remaining garment, please?

Hey?

I have to have a
visual record of the

small vestigial limb located
beneath your stomach.

under your abdomen. We
are very interested.

A vestigial what?

I don't understand.
You're reluctant.

It's very embarrassing.

I mean, can't you put the camera
there and sort of look the other way?

Certainly not. I have
to take measurements.

Measurements?

Yes, with this.

It's in the instructions.

Well, it might be in the instructions, but
I mean, if you put that by here I mean...

The Bioscan.

Bioscan?

Now, let's see.
What do I do?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, what was I doing?
Measurements.

Unless you cooperate, I'll have
to remove the garment myself.

That thing don't give up
microwaves, does it?

No, it's quite harmless.

- Your hands...
- What's about?

Please.

- There. I got a lovely exposure.
- Oh, really?

- And now measures.
- Christ.

If you'd be so kind as to
hold this just there. Right.

Two and a half inches.

Must have misread it.

Three and a half inches.

Six inches?

I don't believe it.
It's growing.

How do I measure it?

If I put down the minimum measurement and
the maximum measure want that should do.

Could you extend it to its
fullest length and width, please?

I'm terribly sorry, but
I can't control the size.

- Can't control the size?
- Yes but...

But it's your body.

Yes, but it's a sexual
response, you see.

It's part of the human
reproduction system.

See, when one meets a suitable
partner, well, the organ will,

- well, you know anyway, now.
- Fascinating.

- So this is your means of reproduction?
- Well, some of it, yes.

I was mistaken. I thought it was a
ritual of some mystical significance.

Well, it does have
emotional overtones.

You say it takes place in
the presence of a suitable partner?

Yes.

Does that mean I'm a
suitable partner?

Definitely, yes.

Listen, why don't you and I...

- Are you married?
- What is that?

Nothing. Nothing.

It's just that well, I only stock
shelves in the supermarket at the moment.

But you never know. In a couple of years, I
might become the assistant manager.

If anyone out there is the
slightest bit interested I

have to report a serious
malfunction in the...

All medical equipment is
now totally unreliable.

I repeat, there is a serious
malfunction in the Bioscan.

- Do such a thing to me I don't know...
- Why I'd bother.

and then to me, maybe, complete
fool of me if I could rip them...

I've never been so
humiliated in al my life.

Fantastic.

- I want to do it again.
- Oh, no. Just relax a while now.

We'll do it again later.

- No, again, again.
- No more, please.

God I can't...

We can live with Mother
until I can afford

a house, which is a bit,
you know but she's...

But is it necessary to
go through all that

merely to implement your
reproductive system?

Suppose not.

In that case, then why
don't we just sort of...

Oh, your Bioscan result.

I don't believe it.
I've never seen results like this.

According to the Bioscan, you have one of
the most advanced bodies in the universe.

Really?

I didn't realize.

It is indeed a privilege
to have met you.

Charmed, I'm sure.

In that case, why don't I demonstrate to
you the reproductive wonders...

of possibly one of the most advanced
bodies in the whole universe? Yes?

Certainly.

They might even have me
back in the darts team now.

- Again. I want to do it again.
- No more. Please. No more.

You told me that was
your specialty.

- But eight times is enough for anyone.
- I insist.

Your minimal intelligence,
you can't fight.

So I insist that you demonstrate
your only talent again.

Leave me alone.
I can't anymore.

Please leave me alone.

Come back here.

I want to do it again.

- I feel incredible.
- I think it's wonderful.

May not believe this, but that
was really my first time.

Can I show you
how we do it?

Computer.

Come in, please, computer.

Someone wants to talk
to me. I don't believe it.

I can't get through to the Bioscan Room.
What's going on in there?

Search me.
I can't get through there, either.

By the way, perhaps you
will be interested to

know that there's trouble
in the food unit...

...and pressure is building up
in the storage cylinder.

Do me a favor, leave the
storage problem to Cosia.

- Is this ship functioning?
- You have to be joking.

Trust!
It looks terrible.

You can have a steam bath and
lose some weight at the same time.

Very convenient.

Do you want to try it?

What? And ruin the most
perfect body in the universe?

That reminds me.
I better report to Control.

Hello...

Control, please.

Where have you been, Cosia?

Oh, I've been doing some in
depth research on the little alien.

That scrawny little brute
made a fool out of me.

I've never been
defeated so easily.

If anybody breathes a word
about this back home...

I'll decapitate their memories and

wrap their intestines
around their epiglottis.

You shouldn't be ashamed, Skipper.

The Bioscan report tells
me that he's got one

of the most advanced
bodies in the universe.

What?

That thing?
Space ox.

You better get Partha to
do an intelligence factor.

If it's got a brain as well,

we've got a fortune
on our hands.

Okay, I'll send him right down.

Oh, and whatever
you do, keep it happy.

I think I've discovered
a way to do that, skip.

So you've got a highly advanced
body and you're a ruthless fighter.

- You're just saying that.
- Of course I'm saying it.

- What do you mean?
- Nothing.

What I want to know is:
Are you as good as Cliff?

As good as Cliff?

I mean, if you've got the
most advanced body

in the universe,
you must be incredible at this.

Oh, my bounces.
I wonder where that got too tough.

You know why
you're here, don't you?

No, but I'm beginning to wonder.

I'm supposed to find out
how intelligent you are.

Well, I've got two "o" levels.

What's wrong with this statement?
All generalizations are false.

- It's a generalization, isn't it?
- That's very good.

What is the third person
singular subjunctive...

...from the Neptunian
verb to reverberate.

Correct. That's the most
obscure verb in the universe.

Well, actually...

You're a genius.
I think you're wonderful.

Well, in that case, couldn't we just
go out for a drink together?

Because if I was seen with you,

it would do my reputation a power
or good down at the dog and Duck.

Never mind.
Your astonishing brain.

amazed me with your
unique and stunning body.

And I love her, damn it.
But she won't let me near her.

It's driving me to distraction.
But what can I do?

I play squash, rugger,
I go for long runs.

Sometimes I take half a dozen
cold showers a day. But it's no good.

What about my health?
Have you thought about that?

You know, I have it on the very
best authority,

that prolonged frustration
is potentially carcinogenic.

Ah, tricky.
Ever thought of giving her the push?

Absolutely out of the question.

Well, I mean, just look at her
underneath that frosty exterior,

she's a terrifically attractive woman.

It's your style, dimwit.
Use more authority.

Don't let her scare you.

Scare me? That's an understatement.
She puts the fear of God into me.

You know, I stretched
her leg once.

and she brought her
knees together so hard

that my fingers were
bruised for weeks.

That's it. Violence.

What she's trying to tell
you is give me some of that.

Don't crawl around
with bunches of flowers,

throw her across your knee and
inflict a little discipline.

- Good Heavens!
- I've seen it everywhere, kiddo.

The caveman approach.
Works with chicks like her every time.

Caveman?
But I'm a research assistant.

We'll use your imagination.
Anything. It'd be an improvement.

Caveman approach?

- Prudence, I'd like a word with you.
- Oh, go away.

Prudence.
The time has come...

Why are you talking like that?
And why are you standing like that?

You look stupid.

You see, it's no good.
No good at all.

- So what happened to the caveman.
- I just can't bring myself to do it.

What on earth happened to you?
You look awful.

Fucking Space Rats.

You got me up there.
I'm going out there.

I think I'm in love with you.

You got me up there,
I'm going out there.

I think I'm in love with you.

I know that you come
so many, many times before.

Come in, Partha.

Come in, please, Partha.

What now?

What are the results of
your tests on the little alien?

Fantastic.

- Repeat that.
- I mean, he's a genius.

I've got two O levels as well.

In that case, I want it on
the bridge immediately.

If it would be so kind...

Sorry.

Is not fair.

Please, come in.

- Take a sit.
- Tha.

This must seem very basic to
a man of your capabilities.

Not really.

But I was once
shown the cockpit of a 747.

We're all most impressed with you
Willy, and honored to have you aboard.

Very nice to be here.

I have a small
proposition to make.

- Really?
- Yes.

- My advice to you is...
- Yes?

You're going to have to
put some more money in.

What, again?

I got to make a living, kiddo.

Terrific.
Now then, where were we?

- You're a man, right?
- Well, I believe so.

- Strong, resilient.
- Strong, resilient.

- Resourceful, courageous.
- Resourceful, courageous.

Try to see the ravaging primeval beast
that lurks within the research assistant.

Right.

- Well, what are you waiting for?
- Is that it?

You're on your own now, kiddo.

- Hey, you.
- What do you want now, Oliver?

- Prudence, I'm a man.
- Is that a fact?

And if you don't do as I say,

I'm going to put you across my knee
and show you a little discipline.

- You what?
- You heard me, woman.

- What on earth has got into you, Oliver?
- Now look here, Prudence.

You are a man.

No, I am a man and
you are a woman.

And sooner or later the inevitable
must happen. And I say sooner.

Get away from me, you beast.

That's right. That's right.
I'm a beast.

- Come back.
- Get after, man.

- Prudence.
- Oh, boy, what a schmuck.

Prudence, I'm not a beast, really.

Prudence. Prudence.
Look...

I'll never be rude about
wallpaper again, really.

I do love synthetic fibers.

Are you rested yet?

- No, I can't take anymore.
- I want to do it again.

- No. Leave me alone. For God's sake.
- Again! Again!

I can't take anymore.

I never want to see
another woman again in my life.

Prudence?
Prudence?

Oh, I say.

Prudence?

Is it really you?

Prudence, how will
you ever forgive me?

I'll never be horrible to you again.
Never. Never. I'm promise.

And, Prudence, I don't mind if
the bathroom is lime green. Really.

- Do you promise, Ollie?
- Yes.

Ollie.

Don't you think I look sexy?

Oh, yes.

- Ollie, kiss me properly.
- What?

Kiss me properly, Ollie.

Oh, right.

Ollie. Let's do
it, now. Please.

- It?
- Yes, let's do it now.

Oh, gosh. Right.

Gosh.

I'm coming on, darling.

Ollie, I'm ready.

- Warm enough for you, darling?
- Yes darling.

Well, it's very nice
of you to ask me.

No, thank you.

You could have
anything you wanted.

I don't know.

So much has happened since
I've been with you.

No one will ever know if
I don't go back to Earth.

Come with us, Willie.
You'll have much more.

But it's your decision.

I'd miss you, Willie.

I don't know.
I'll have to think about it.

Anyone seen
the one called Cliff?

We may not have lost him.

Willie, I must talk to you.

- Is it true you're not coming with us?
- I can't.

You don't understand.

Where we come from,
there's no one like you.

You'd be unique,
supreme, unchallenged.

And you're so good at. Oh, Willie
he please stay with me.

Willie!

little Brut. He wasn't such
a cunning little fighter.

I can't make him
go against his will.

You saw what he did to me.
To me?

Why, that last creature that blacked
my eye was torn limb from limb.

All 38 of them.

Black holes of space.

I'm not going to let that monstrous
little creature slip through my fingers.

Cut that out.

- What in space do you want?
- I'm the ship's computer, remember?

I don't know if you're interested,
but the ship's falling apart

as it is without you
knocking bits out of it.

I'm fed up with your moaning.

The lasers and the
doors have gone berserk.

And the mayonnaise is
overheating in the kitchen unit.

All right. I'm sending Partha down
to Engineering. You can work it out.

- I want to land soon.
- Land? Land?

Get moving Partha!

All right.

- Where is everyone?
- Why ask me?

Maybe they're
chasing each other.

You haven't seen my
magazines, have you?

Magazines?

Don't you think you should
consult the manual?

Oh, shut up and plug out.

- What is this?
- I don't know.

Well, you ought to.
It's your job.

I wasn't designed for cargo ships.
I was designed for passenger liners.

I told them that when they
bought me secondhand.

Well, I don't know
what it is either.

Maybe it's the pipe that troops
hamburgers down to the mest deck.

No, can't be.

- Sewage disposal.
- Yuck. Thanks a million.

- Oh, Ollie.
- Oh Gosh...

Hang on a minute, petal.
Specs seem to have come.

Oh, petal...

Sorry darling.

Oh, you want
the curtains blue?

Fine.
Anything you like, darling.

Good gracious.

Oh, Golly gosh.

- Do you feel better, Ollie?
- Oh, dear.

What?

Give me a projected
degree of descent. Cosia.

Cosia!

3.4. Wait a minute.

- 4.6.
- Give it me roughly.

Well, assuming we have
an atmospheric pressure

of no less than 45 pounds,
we should be able...

I mean, we
might be able to...

- it's possible...
- Forget it. We'll play it by ear.

Acknowledge. Skipper.

Come in, Partha.
Situation report and repairs.

- Do you read me, Partha?
- Yes. Ouch.

We're going to break
orbit soon. Okay?

Well, what do
you think, computer?

As long as that laser holes
and the drive unit stays cool.

But frankly, I think
it's suicide.

It's okay, skipper.
Anytime you want.

Attention, all aliens.

We shall be breaking
orbit in exactly...

well, approximately
three minutes.

You will be returned to your place of
origin in precisely... as soon as possible.

Ollie, we're going home.

What a shame.

During the flight, will you
please remain seated.

In the event of illness,
please look above your heads...

where you will find...
no, sorry.

Please look below your
feet where you will find

some small green tablets
in a marked locker.

Sorry. This applies only to
decks three, four and five.

These should be taken three at
a time with a glass water.

- Sorry for this time.
- Shut up, Cosia.

But, Skipper, it's
correct procedure.

Well, you can forget it.

Cause here we go!

Help.

What is happening?

That's they call in the
trade a textbook landing.

I think I've lost a filling.

Ollie you're joking me.

Darling, you're nearly
breaking my specs.

- Ollie, what's happened?
- I don't know, darling.

Gosh. How do you know?
You had freckly kneecaps

Oh, Ollie.

- What the devil is happening?
- They must have landed.

All aliens please go to airlock
number three immediately, please.

We hope you
enjoyed your flight.

Please ensure that you have left
no personal belongings on board.

Skip it, Cosia,
you take over from here.

I'm going to say farewell
to our valuable little friend.

I wish someone would
tell me what to do.

I've never had to
make a decision before.

I've had no practice.

Just relax and go
with the tide, kiddo.

Just let things happens.

But it's different now.
I'm a man.

- Really.
- If I don't go back, no one will know.

Leave them in the dark.
They don't deserve you.

On the other hand,
there is Cosia.

And I thought you were an
intelligent member of your species.

I've come to find out
whether you're returning

to that squalid
apology from planet.

Well, I've made my decision.
My decision is...

I don't know.

I've heard a lot about you, Willie.
And I'm afraid I can't let you go.

Not until I found out whether
everything I've heard is true.

- Oh, dear.
- That's all right.

There's plenty of time.

- Well, in that case.
- Is this right?

All right, all right.
I'm going to come with you.

Because on Earth,
they just abused me.

They pushed me around.
I was a nobody. I meant nothing.

And that's for Sandra.
I mean, who needs supermarkets?

Oh, do it again.

- Ouch.
- What's wrong?

I've got me lip
caught in your zip.

Please hurry up, darling.
I mean, the do it

yourself shop closes
in about half an hour.

- Yes darling.
- C'mon C'mon.

- You really don't mind?
- No. Absolutely perfect.

Oh, Ollie, please
don't start that again.

Sorry, darling. I'm rather sorry
to be leaving, really, you know.

Quite fun.

What do I do with my hands?

Well, put that one there.
And put that one there.

Put that there,
that there.

Oh, forgot.
Are you married?

- Is this nice?
- Oh, yes.

Go, Cosia.
Go! Go! Go!

Move it, Cosia.

I did it!
I did it!

I did it!

ATTENTION

- What this sign?
- Well, It's a...

- There's a switch. I better...
- Don't touch it...

Do not touch!

You got me up there.
I'm going out there.

I think I'm in
love with you.

You got me up there.
I'm going out there.

I think I'm in
love with you.

You got me up there.
I'm going out there.

I told them this would happen.
But would they listen?

- Hi there. Who are you?
- Ship's computer.

Or should I say I was
the ship's computer?

I hardly recognized you.

By the way. Do you
know where we're heading?

Roughly speaking, we're drifting
towards the back end of the Milky Way.

- Great! That's home.
- This take us years to get there.

Subtitles: Kilo