All language subtitles for NipTuck S05E002_Joyce & Sharon Monroe_track3_[eng]

Previously on Nip Tuck...

Fiona McNeil. Publicist.

I have a unique opportunity
that would

fit you guys like
a surgeon's glove.

Hearts 'N Scalpels.

We start production
at episode six

on Tuesday, and I have no case.

We want producer credits
and the occasional line.

How soon can you start?

Look, it's the new cute doctor
from Hearts 'N Scalpels.

Plastic surgery is
an actor's worst nightmare.

Say I was gonna do
that exact same picture.

Would you have to fix anything?

Guess who just got a face-lift.

Carly Summers.

Tell me what you don't like
about yourself, Miss...

Monroe. I had it legally changed
for professional reasons.

Hey, that's pretty good.

I don't usually go for the
plus-sized gals,

but I always had a thing
for Marilyn.

What do you do, parties,
theme parks?

The Walk of Fame.

I stand outside Grauman's
Chinese Theater

and take pictures with tourists.

Wow, and the theater
pays you for that?

No. I'm an
independent contractor.

I work for tips.

I was the highest earner
on the block.

I made more than even
Chewbacca and Superman.

Until she got in the way.
Now, no one wants me.

They only want her.

Sorry.

Late night on the set.

Oh, you were wonderful
in last week's episode, Doctor.

Such dramatic intensity.

I would love to be on that show.

So, you were talking about some
woman that you worked with.

-Sharon.
-Who's Sharon do?

Anyone she can get her
slutty little hands on.

She does Marilyn, too.
It used to be okay.

She would do noon to 6:00,
and I would do 6:00 to midnight.

We were friends.

What happened?

First, she started
staying later.

6:30, 7:00, now she's
there all night.

She has no boundaries.

Here's the thing.

Sharon's more talented than me,
I own that.

She has a wonderful voice
and she dances like a dream.

But I have more star appeal.

It used to be we each had
a piece of the pie.

But now she's honing in on my
territory and it's not fair.

The Walk of Fame has become
a battlefield, Doctors.

I need a bigger set
of torpedoes to give myself

a competitive edge.

You want breast implants.

The idea being bigger boobies,
bigger tips.

Bingo, baby.

Okay, baby. So look, I don't
mean to be rude, but in your

line of work, are you sure
you're gonna be able

to afford this?

I've saved up.

Sure, it hurts to crack open
the nest egg,

but what option do I have?

This is my livelihood.

I have an opening
on Thursday morning.

Oh...

You're wonderful, Dr. Troy.

But I couldn't pass up the
opportunity to work with a star.

I was hoping Dr. McNamara
could do me.

-I'd be happy to do you.
-Thank you ever so.

Let's save a life.
What's the stat, nurse?

Forty-year-old construction
worker, severed right arm...

A severed right arm.
We have a severed right arm!

-One, two, three.
-Vitals, vitals, I need vitals.

I need a tray
of instruments here.

Arm, give me the arm!

I will have this man swimming
the breast stroke in the Nile

by the end of this year,
so help me God.

Nurse, I want
an Esmarch bandage, stat.

That was the last one, Doctor.
We're all out.

How can a hospital be
out of tourniquets?

Nine construction workers were
hit by that falling saw blade.

This is not Baghdad.

I mean, severed arms
are not an everyday

occurrence at Seaside General.

We're dealing with severe
arterial hemorrhage, Doctor.

He's going into shock.

Okay, Peter, go round
up some neckties.

What?

Oh, God damn it,
it's casual Friday.

He's going into shock.
We're gonna lose him.

That's enough. That's enough.

That's enough. That's enough.

I got you, don't worry.

It's not tight enough, Doctors.

I need it tighter.
I need it tighter!

Well, tighten it. Get a clamp.
Someone get a clamp. Something!

-Give me EKG. EKG!
-The EKG! We need the EKG!

-Cut.
-What?

-Okay, cut!
-Cut.

Cut!

-Come on.
-What's wrong, darling?

You were perfection.

How come I'm the only one
in my goddamned underwear?

The network says
we have to show more skin.

More exposure translates
to higher ratings.

But why can't Kate
take her top off?

I'd be like a deer caught
in those headlights.

Okay, Aidan, you're a man tart.
That's your job.

I'm a classically trained
actress.

I know, I know. Julliard,

Royal Shakespeare Company,
blah, blah, blah.

-Yeah, Broadway in the Park.
-Oh, give me a break, Kate.

Okay, the only reason
why you have this job is

you're a hot piece of ass,
everybody knows that.

If she doesn't take her clothes
off, I'm not. You know?

-Come on. I'm bloated...
-Aidan, please...

Prima donna.

That's lunch, everyone.
12:12 to 12:42.

Make it safe and walk away.

Excuse me, Kate?

-Yeah?
-You were really good in there.

-Oh.
-Really realistic.

Wow, thank you very much.

I spent a week
with Dr. Sam Nussbaum

over at Cedars. Yeah.

You know, if you wanna view
one of our operations

you could scrub in,
see how we do it up close.

Really? Wow. Yeah.
That would be fantastic. When?

-Oh, well, I mean...
-Oh, sorry. Hang on.

Hi, Mom. You're kidding.
Well, are you sure?

No, no. Sean, Sean, wait, wait.

Hey, Mom, can I call you
right back?

Okay.

What are you doing Sunday?

We don't operate on Sundays.

Yeah, I know this
is last minute,

but my mom just canceled on me.

-Do you happen to have a tux?
-A tux? I could get one.

-Okay. 6:00?
-6:00, yeah, 6:00.

-Okay, I'll... Yeah. Okay.
-Okay. All right.

It's like I'm hearing
this song for the first time.

I finally understand what it's
about, you know?

Being famous, wanting
a true connection.

I was mobbed at the dry cleaners
this morning.

Yeah, I heard you tell
the receptionist already.

Enjoy your 15 minutes, buddy.
It's gonna be my time soon.

By this afternoon, the phones
are gonna be jammed with people

trying to get an appointment
with these famous fingers.

What happens this afternoon?

The latest issue
of Us magazine hits the shelves.

A little birdie told me
that Carly Summers'

face-lift is on the cover,
along with the identity

of a very, very
skilled plastic surgeon.

- You leaked it? How could you?
- She's a friend of mine.

And I signed
a confidentiality agreement.

I have no idea where
they got that story.

I do. It came from me.

Take a closer look.

"Carly Summers attributes
her youthful new look

"to a daily regimen of juicing
and Bikram Yoga."

Not exactly the story
you were hoping for, is it?

Bold move going to the press
to land yourself some publicity,

but ultimately idiotic, kiddo.

If you had any idea how
the game was really played,

you would know Fiona McNeil
has her hand so far up the ass

of every publisher in this town,
they wouldn't consider taking

a dump without consulting
her first.

And speaking of dumping,
you're out.

Get yourself another publicist.

-Wait, Fiona, I am so...
-Sorry? Corrupt? Save it.

You're right. I'm an asshole.

The town's full of assholes.
What makes you special?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You know, I used
to walk down the street

and people would look at me.

Men, women. They all wanted
to be me or be with me.

Now it's just...

I don't know who I am anymore.

I still can't figure out,
why leak this story?

Thanks to me, McNamara/Troy
was getting an ample piece

of the plastic surgery pie.

McNamara was getting the piece.

And Troy's not content
with his partner's crumbs?

No.

Look, I'm not proud of this.

Sean's like a brother to me.

I was the one who
followed him out here.

Gave up everything I worked for.

Money, prestige, sex.

I had Miami by the balls.

You were also, what?
Twenty-something

when you started?

You should've picked
a different venue

to have a midlife crisis in.

You're never going to be
the new face in town.

Just some forty-something
dying for a comeback.

You're the one who can
give it to me.

Please just give me
another chance.

I'll pay you anything you want.

Oh, goodness. You were
a charming escort, Dr. McNamara.

Well, thank you, darling,
thank you.

Even if you didn't know
who anyone was.

I can't believe Grey's Anatomy
won. Are you kidding me?

No, it's ratings. It's stupid.

No, I was very impressed

when they called
that other actress's name.

Oh, Mariska Hargitay.
She always wins.

Well, whoever she is,
you handled it with such grace.

Everyone knew it should've been
you up there winning that award.

Oh, that's... That's really
sweet, Sean. Thank you.

I wanted to do that in the limo.

-Is it my consolation prize?
-No, not at all.

I've been wanting
to do it all night.

I guess I'm just a little rusty.

Sean, you should go.

Sean, the limo's waiting.

Please, I want you to go.

Are you crying?

You're not a very good listener,
are you?

I'm sorry. I didn't...
I... I thought...

You thought wrong.

But McNamara/Troy did her
boobies. Chewbacca told me so.

Listen, I could bring you
in a ton of business.

Aquaman's been telling me
he's considering pec implants.

Don't take this the wrong way,
sweetheart,

but if the crazies
of the world wanna pay

top dollar to worship
dead movie stars,

maybe they're better off going
to Madame Tussaud's.

You need to get yourself a life,
sweetie pie.

One of your own.

I tried. I wanted
to be an actress.

I just wasn't special enough.

Just another face in the crowd.

Except when it came
to impersonating her.

She's a goddess, you know?

And even though I know
I'm just a copy,

kind of made me feel
like a goddess, too.

You know?

Till she came along.

Joyce.

She's not as good as me,
you know.

But that doesn't matter here,
now, does it?

Because she's just gonna wow the
crowd with her big new tits and

steal tips that
are rightfully mine.

Do you know what that's like?

To be something special
and to watch someone

who doesn't deserve it

take what belongs to you?

I can pay, Doctor.

Help me stay in the game.

Please.

-Yeah?
-Christian?

Hey, Julia. What's up?

Oh, is this a bad time?

-I could...
-No, no, no.

I've got a photo shoot tomorrow.

I'm just wondering
smile or no smile.

Wow. A photo shoot.

You two are really
taking LA by storm.

-I caught Sean on the show.
-Yeah, jeez. You see that thing?

-What a piece of...
-I couldn't believe it was him.

He looked so handsome on camera.

Is he around? I was sort of
hoping to catch you both in.

Is there something wrong?

No, no.

I just wanted to know

if you were both gonna
be around next weekend.

I was thinking of coming out,
and Annie has a little break.

So, you know, I thought
it might be fun.

Julia, I've known you
for 22 years.

You don't just hop on a plane
and cross country on a whim.

Spill it.

I'm seeing someone.

And it's serious.

- We're moving in together.
- Jesus.

I just didn't wanna surprise him
with it on the phone.

I'd rather do it in person.

You don't mind
surprising me, huh?

Well, we will talk about it
when I'm there, okay?

I can't wait to see you.

Bye.

So when can I get out of here
and show off my new tits?

Sharon's going
to be pea green with envy.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this
room was gonna be empty.

What is she doing here?

Trying to steal my doctor now,
are you, bitch?

I was the one here first.

You're moving
in on my turf again.

I won't stay in here with that
imposter. I want my own room.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is
the only one that's available.

Then kick her out.
You brought me in here.

You have to take care of me.

Oh, I will.

Did you actually go out,
find that woman,

and bring her here on purpose?

She came to me, her
American Express card worked.

I made us some money.
What's wrong with that?

You know, you trying
to one-up me all the time

is gonna drive patients away,
not bring them in the door!

I wasn't trying to one-up you.

And you know what? I think this
could be a positive thing.

You know, those girls,
they're good friends.

Being locked up in a room
together could

help them get back together.

God, this is so like you.

Anytime I get a little taste
of something good,

you can't handle it.

Bullshit. Like when?

Like, oh, I don't know. Julia?

I meet the woman I'm gonna marry
and you have to sleep with her

the night before the ceremony.

I've apologized
a thousand times.

What, do I have to apologize
for the new guy

she's moving in with as well?

-What?
-Nothing.

What do you mean the new guy
she's moving in with?

Julia called the house
yesterday.

She wanted to tell you
personally, but, you know.

She met someone.
She's moving in with him.

Well, that's great. She's seeing
someone, I'm seeing someone.

Since when are
you seeing someone?

I'm having a little fling

with somebody on the show.
An actress.

There's a bit of
a difference here.

You're not moving in
with your current piece of ass.

Yet!

Kate.

-Come on. Let me apologize.
-You don't need to apologize.

I do. I've given it
a lot of thought

and I see where I missed
your signal.

I don't want to talk about it.
Okay? I just...

What's wrong with you?

I'm trying to defuse
the situation.

That was no fun at all
on the set today.

I wanna apologize
so we can move on.

Wow, like what? You're a
dreamboat and a gentleman.

Is there anything I can hate
about you?

Look, I'm the one
that should apologize, okay?

I'm the crazy-ass bitch,
not you.

Oh, my God. Oh, could I be more
of an insane person?

You're an actress.

A little passion is part
of the package, right?

Look, I just...
I'm from New York, you know?

It's a different world out here.

I haven't learned how to tell
if, you know, people like me

or they like the fact that
I'm the star of a hit show.

You know, I feel like an
imposter half the time.

I mean, my idea
of a fun evening is

curling up with a cup
of decaf Earl Grey

and a Paddy Chayefsky play.

You forget that I'm new
in this town, too.

All I know is the
world of medicine.

In fact, you're gonna have
to remind me

who Paddy Chayefsky is.

I like you, Sean.

I guess... I don't know,
I got scared

when you liked me back so fast.

That's why I freaked out.
I'm really sorry.

So, I'll take a step back,
we'll go slow.

Look, the thing about me is
that, you know,

whomever I date has
to be a friend first

and then a lover. You know?

-Totally. Totally.
-Yeah.

Friends. Yeah.

Friends.

-Friends who kiss?
-Okay.

Great. Great. Great.

Oh, bellissimo.

Oh, bellissimo. Okay, bravo.

We ready for the money shots?

You got your wide-angle lens,
baby?

I need to go to the storeroom
for more film.

I'll be ready when you get back.

Just a chubby, tiger.
I don't shoot hard-ons.

I'm literally putting my balls
in your hands, Fiona.

-Are you sure this is...
-Yes.

-Shall I turn around?
-What's the point?

It's not like you're not gonna
see it on the newsstands

next week, right?

What?

What? What the hell?

Don't look at me like that.
Jesus.

The last time my dick was this
small I was still in diapers.

Stage fright. It's pretty common
in these situations.

Shit. We're gonna have to call
the whole thing off.

What are you?
Leg man, ass man, tit man?

Tit man, why?

Mommy issues. I should've known.

Oh, don't flatter yourself,
shorty.

I put my neck on the line
for this shoot.

If your cobra doesn't dance,
I'm the one in trouble.

No offense, but do you
really think

the breasts of a woman your age
are gonna play the right tune?

Jesus, Fiona, they're fantastic.

Why, thank you.
Don't know what it is,

genetics or just plain luck,
but no matter how old I get,

these champagne cups
seem to be frozen in time.

I see we're ready.

Oh, yeah, baby. We're ready.

Okay.

-Hello?
-Bad time?

Oh, it's the usual
dinnertime madness.

Oh, sorry.

I keep forgetting the time
difference. How are the kids?

They are wonderful.

Exhausting, but Annie can't wait
to come and see you.

She seems to have finally
adjusted to school.

Of course, it helps that her
daddy's a television star.

Oh, come on, I only say
a line or two.

Oh, well, I think you're
very believable.

Listen, Christian tells me that
you've met someone and...

Oh, God damn it, Sean!

I didn't want you
to hear it from him.

You know Christian,
he just pushes and pushes and...

Julia, it's fine.
I'm glad you've met someone.

I want you to be happy.

Well, it's just sort of
something that happened.

Hey, it's good. We've both got
to get on with our lives, right?

You know, I think I might
have met someone.

It's a little too early
to tell, but...

That's wonderful.

Yeah. I don't wanna put the cart
before the horse,

but there's definitely
something there.

I mean, she's not your
typical actress or anything.

An actress?

-From the show?
-Yeah.

And what about you?

Tell me about Mr. Right.

Christian says you're
moving in together.

Sean, I'll... I'll... Tell you
all about it when the kids

and I come out to see you. Okay?

It's just a little crazy
right now.

Sure, sure. Sorry.

Give them both big kisses
from me.

-Take care, Jules.
-Yeah. You, too.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

-Hi.
-Hey.

-They let you out early.
-Yeah.

-How are you?
-Good. You know.

Hey, there's this restaurant
in Malibu.

-It's right on the beach...
-Actually, you know what, Sean?

This is sort
of a professional call.

What could you possibly
wanna change?

Well, it's about the show.

-Can... Do you mind if I sit?
-Yeah, yeah.

Years ago, when some casting
agents saw me off off-Broadway,

they said that if I ever wanted
to do the Hollywood thing

that I'd have
to drop some weight.

You know, if I wanted a shot.
And I did.

I wanted it, badly.
I dropped the weight and then...

And then I got plucked out of
obscurity to do this pilot, and

I mean, I think it's only
a matter of time.

I'm gonna have
to do a nude scene.

I mean, Aidan's made
that really clear.

Kate.

What is it? A little cellulite?
I mean, who cares?

-Just show me. It's okay.
-I can't.

You know what? It's bad enough.

The pictures of how
I used to look

are showing up on the Internet.

You haven't seen them yet.
You will. Shit, I hate Google.

Look, you can show me anything.

I mean, old pictures,
you in the flesh.

I'm attracted to you.

Can you turn around?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

You're dating a plastic surgeon,
okay?

I've pushed and pulled
enough flesh

to know that beauty
is more than skin deep.

Okay. You can turn around.

I had gastric bypass
to drop the weight,

and after I lost 100 pounds,
this is the result.

No problem.

Question, what's hot and bare
and hard all over?

You remember what this is,
Lizzy?

Cheap porn? Yeah,
I'm familiar with it.

I can't believe you
posed for that magazine.

-What do you think, huh?
-It is so Burt Reynolds 1972.

-Thank you.
-Very becoming for a doctor.

You've heard
of Doctors Without Borders?

Meet Doctor Without Dignity.

Okay. Just for your information,

Fiona says that
this publication is iconic.

Moronic?

Moronic, iconic, that's very
good. I like that.

So here's my thinking.

Only half of Miami got
to see my dick

and look how much business
that brought in.

Wait till this little puppy
comes out

with Dr. Christian Troy, okay?

This office won't be flooded,
it'll be underwater.

Right, big boy,
take your dick outside.

Huh? Does that make you
feel sexy?

Let's do some stapling.

What's what's-her-face
doing here?

She just wanted a few touch-ups.

Wow. What, she lose 100 pounds
in a week or something?

This is the chick you took
to the awards thing, right?

Her name is Kate. She happens
to be pretty special.

She seems very special. You just
add a mast and a good wind,

and you sail her
around the planet.

I happen to like her, Christian.

I don't give a shit
if she was once fat.

Julia met someone,
you met someone. I get it.

The only thing you've got
is a picture

of your cock in a magazine.

This magazine is gonna bring
in more of LA's hotties

than you could ever imagine,
my friend.

Look at this guy, okay? Come on.

You won't have to settle
for these rejects

from the Macy's Day Parade.

The phones haven't
stopped ringing

and you're booked solid
all next week.

And there's a walk-in
waiting for you in your office.

Guess they wanna know
who the big dick is.

Tell me what you don't like
about yourself.

What I don't like,
sweetheart, is that

I don't have someone
like you in my life.

Okay.

That I'm sitting here

and you're sitting
all the way over there.

I'm not a dermatologist.

I don't do full body
mole checks.

-Come to apologize?
-For what?

Filling your appointment book
with paying clients?

I promised to get you work,
not get you laid.

I didn't think you had any
problem in that department.

You certainly bedded Carly
without my help.

So, that's what this is about,
huh? Revenge?

People I get revenge on

aren't double booked
for six weeks ahead.

You have tapped into
the lifeblood of Hollywood.

You never heard
of the Gay Mafia?

Get the boys
and everyone else follows.

Paul Lynde is waiting in your
office, Christian.

Screw you, boob-tube boy.
And just for the record,

my layout has brought
in twice as much business

as your crappy TV show.

Not only that, have you ever
heard about the Gay Mafia?

Huh?

Tell him about the mafia.

- Is your divorce final, Sean?
-Yes. Why?

Good, it means we won't have
to fudge it.

People Magazine has
requested you

for their
50-Most-Eligible-Bachelor issue.

-Him?
-I pitched you both, of course,

but Sean is the only one
on TV every week.

The photo shoot's tomorrow.
Can you work that?

Christian will have to pick up
a couple of my patients,

but something like this
could only be good for business.

You can do Kate's follow-up
for me, can't you?

Sure.

Oh, Dr. Troy. Is Sean coming?

Oh, you mean, one
of People magazine's

50 most eligible bachelors?

He's at a photo shoot right now
getting his highlights redone.

You're kidding.

I was saying the same thing
when I heard it myself.

Okay, I need to see
how you're healing.

Could you take off your gown
for me, please?

Oh, sure.

Very nice.

You could do the sequel
to Nine 1/2 Weeks in a month

and nobody would know
the difference.

And yet oddly, you seem
disappointed.

No, it's... I just...

I thought Sean would
wanna be here.

He hasn't really talked to me
much since the operation.

What can I expect, right? I
mean...

He just shaved 20 pounds of
loose skin off my body.

I'm not attractive.
He can do so much better.

Is that what you think?

Once a fatty, always a fatty.
I know how men in this town are.

Well, I'm a man in this town
and I'd be honored

to have you on my arm.

Maybe...
Maybe we could go out to dinner?

You've always been beautiful.

Now you're...
Now you're a complete knockout.

Careful where you poke
down there.

I'm gonna need that later.

What are you doing?

You like it?
I just got it from Barneys.

Just need a few adjustments,
that's all.

Why do you need a tux?

People's Choice Awards, my
friend. Black-tie affair.

And I told Kate I wouldn't
be seen dead in a rental.

You're going out with Kate?
My Kate? You can't be serious.

I wouldn't spend 2,000 bucks
on a brand new suit

just to be joking around.

Those fat comments
during her surgery,

you just said all that
to push me away

so you could swoop in,
didn't you?

Now you're just being paranoid.

Wouldn't you be if your best
friend kept trying to take away

everything you ever cared about?

You never cared about Kate!

You were embarrassed by her.

That's why you did the surgery
in the first place.

And just so you know,
she looks fantastic.

If there's anybody to blame,
it's you.

Recovery. We have a situation.

What's going on?

Her pulse is thready
and she's non-responsive.

And there's an empty bottle of
pills on the nightstand.

-Rozerem. Sleeping pills.
-Is she gonna die?

- How many of these she took?
-I don't know.

Give me a gastric lavage.
We need to pump her stomach. Go!

What do you mean you don't know?
You're sitting three feet away.

- What happened?
- I don't know.

We got in a fight over who'd
work the corner next week.

And I said she couldn't compete
with me anymore.

And I went to the bathroom
and when I came back,

she was groggy
and she said she was happy.

-And she was finally gonna win.
-Win? Win what?

I don't know.
It didn't make sense.

She said after today,
she was gonna go down in history

as the best Marilyn Monroe
in the biz.

-Jesus.
-Joyce, can you hear me?

How many pills did you take?
Joyce?

No, we gotta do this.

-I got it.
-No, I got it.

Okay, it doesn't matter,
would one of you

please put it down her throat?

-I was gonna grab that one.
-Oh, bullshit.

That's not bullshit,
I've hardly eaten all day.

I need something
to tide me over.

Well, what happened
to "I'm lactose intolerant"?

Hey, I am asshole intolerant!
So take it outside

or take up a sport
where you both

can beat the crap
out of each other

somewhere else.
'Cause I'm sick of watching it.

A woman almost died
under your watch today,

and you deal with it
by fighting over a Yoplait?

Give me the Yoplait.
Give it to me.

Knock, knock.

- Hey, I didn't think you...
-Julia, we weren't expecting.

-I didn't mean to interrupt.
-Oh, it doesn't matter.

They never listen to me. I'm
just white noise in a lab coat.

-Jules, what are you doing here?
-I decided to just come.

It felt so awkward on the phone.
I thought, "Why wait?"

This is an important move
for me,

and I need you two
to be on board.

Well, for the kids.
I left them with my mother,

and she's gonna bring them
in a couple of days.

-Oh, of course we're on board.
-Yep.

I'm sure if you like him,
he's gotta be great.

We just want you to be happy.

-Exactly.
-Thanks.

So, when do we get to meet
the lucky bastard?

Did you bring him
with you or what?

Oli's not actually...

Oli?

-Oli, sounds very upper crust.
-Yeah.

-Is Oli rich?
-Yes. Very.

And it's Olivia.

So, how long have you been
playing snooker?

I got into it late in life.
I had a good teacher.

I bet you did.

What's a dyke bar without a gang
of Minnesota Fats wannabes?

My daughter taught me pool.

You have a daughter? That is
fantastic.

What about daddy,
you pull him out of the drawer

for Thanksgiving
to baste the turkey?

She was conceived
in my college dorm

the good old-fashioned way,

by adding two hard bodies
to a quart of rum and stirring.

Very kinky.

-Where's poppa now?
-Well, where do you think?

After he impregnated me,
I bit off his head.

How did your mother respond
when she found out?

Well, you know Erica.

She thought that being in a more
egalitarian relationship

would be good for me.

Until she found out that Olivia
was a doctor of

traditional Chinese medicine

and then she became
a lesbian snake-oil peddler.

I bet I started looking
pretty good to her.

So was Olivia your first?

I don't know if it's a question
of being gay or not, Sean.

I just fell in love with her.

You were in love with me.

Yes, but this is different
somehow.

You know, it's easier.

The sex, communication.

Did you ever fantasize about
women when I was screwing you?

Yes. But you know, a lot of
straight women do. It's common.

I am so sorry, Sean.

I put you through hell
and maybe

all the time this was
the reason why.

-I kicked his ass.
-True, she did.

-You ready, babe?
-Oh, why not stay for dinner?

You can explain the Indigo Girls
phenomenon to me.

We have a dinner date
with my daughter.

I'll be in town until Sunday.

We'll have dinner
at the weekend.

Bye.

I can't stop wondering.

You think she yells out "Oli"
or "Livvy" when she...

-Oh, shut up.
-I didn't say anything.

It's what you're not saying,

it's what I know you're
thinking.

Just say it.

You're thinking she
wouldn't be a lesbian

if she'd been married to you.

That I must be such a lousy lay

that my wife went from dwarf
humping to carpet munching.

-It's not funny.
-I'm not laughing at you.

I'm laughing at us.
I mean, come on, it is funny.

Think about it.

After all these years,
Julia was the reason for our

"Who's got the biggest dick"
contest,

and now we find out
she doesn't even like them.

She's a dyke.

-Julia's a dyke.
-All right.

-Don't call her that.
-You get that?

She's the mother of our
children, okay?

Carpet muncher's nicer.

-Beaver bumper, yeah.
-Muff diver.

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.

Well, now neither
of us gets her.

Too bad she didn't figure it
out when we were in college.

I've spent a lot of years
barking up the wrong tree.

Look, I only went after Kate
because you wanted her.

I... I'm sorry, all right?

I don't know what it is,
it's like I'm

hypnotized or something.

Here. Better not waste any time.

She's yours, not mine.

Thank you.

-Kate?
-Be right down.

Wow. You look beautiful.

-Please accept my apologies.
-For what?

Pretending to be a great guy
and then disappearing?

Where's Christian?

He bowed out when I told him
that we were seeing each other.

So I don't have a say?

You two just play
pass-the-fat-girl

and assume I should be
grateful that

anyone shows up
at my doorstep at all?

Am I caught
in the middle of some

weird game that you
two get off on?

Absolutely not.

I mean, my partner has
a definite eye for the ladies,

but the reason I kind
of disappeared

has nothing to do with you.

I got caught up.
My ex-wife came to town and...

She came to inform me
she's in a new relationship.

Well... What, are you still
in love with her?

Trust me, Julia and I are over.

Truly, finally over.

That's why I'm here.

Put these in some water,

and I'll wait for you
in the limo.

I'll drive.

We can play the chauffeur
and the naughty starlet.

Why is it so hard
to say no to you?

Because I look so handsome
in this tux?

Yeah.

Come on, Kate.

I don't wanna go.

Do you think that
Hargitay lady's

gonna kick your ass again?

I'm just sick of actors
competing with other actors

for meaningless trophies.

Yes, she's gonna kick
my ass again.

I'm gonna kiss you.
Are you gonna hit me?

I don't know.

Why don't we stay in, order out,

and watch an old movie?

That sounds perfect.

Come on in here.

Cheeseburger.

Say, "That's all right, mama."

God bless you. Thank you,
sweetie.

Hey, Elvis.

-Elvis.
-How you doing, sweetie?

Hey, fat Elvis.

Hey, hey, come here
for a second.

-What's up, man?
-I'm looking for Marilyn Monroe.

Actually, two Marilyn Monroes.
You seen them?

Yeah, I might know
where they're at, baby.

All right, they're
right over there

amongst all the Asian tourists.

-Beautiful. Thank you.
-Go get them, poppa.

All right.

Come on, who's next for Elvis?

Whatever happened to
the battle of the blondes?

Oh, Dr. Troy, what are you
doing here?

I always do follow-ups
on my movie star patients.

What happened?

We decided that two Marilyns
were better than one.

Especially since Joyce
came up with the idea

of us both wearing the costume
from The Seven Year Itch.

It really shows off our brand
new tits, don't you think?

I can't think of a better way
to advertise.

Maybe you should
hand out my card.

Oh, we'd love to.

Especially since you're the
reason that we're friends again.

You did save my life,

but you made me realize
my life was worth saving.

If only the real Marilyn had
had as good a friend.

Oh, yes. But if only she had as
good a business mind as you do.

We're making more money
together than

we ever did competing,
that's for sure.

I think I know a way
you can make more money

than just standing
on this corner, ladies.

What did you have in mind?

Make me feel like a star.

I wanna be loved by you

Just you and nobody else but you

I wanna be loved by you, alone

Boop-boop-be-doo

I wanna be kissed by you

Just you, nobody else but you

I wanna be kissed by you, alone

Dr. Troy. Oh, you're wonderful.