All language subtitles for Cunk.on

This programme contains
very strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature

BIRDS CHIRP
ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS

Have you ever looked around
at the limitless majesty

of creation and wondered?

Wondered what all these forests,
valleys, mountains and puddles

are actually for?

Wondered how many buildings were
knocked down to make way for them?

And who granted
the planning permission?

Wondered about all the incredible
yet musky animals

we share our planet with?

What's up with them?

From pointless ants to long-necked
horse monsters,

from repugnant wombats
to beautiful elephants,

what do the creatures want?

And why do they refuse to tell us?

And then, of course,
there's us, humanit-kind.

Have you ever wondered
how we got here?

Wondered where we're going?

Wondered about the biggest
mystery of all -

what is the meaning of life?

Well, I haven't, but others have.

For thousands of years,
thinkers, artists, authors

and my aunt Carol have struggled
to define humankind's purpose.

Is life's meaning a riddle
that even can be answered?

And if so, should we listen
or cover our ears to avoid spoilers?

In this landmark documentary
special, I'll travel the globe

to walk in slow motion
through picturesque locations,

get up close to some of the most
significant molecules in existence

and meet a variety of academics,
experts and professional mammals

to ask some of the most significant
questions you can say with a mouth.

Hello, who are you?

I'm Brian Cox,
professor of particle physics

at the University of Manchester.

Can I call you Brian,
or do you prefer Cox?

So join me, Philomena Cunk,
as I uncover the point of it all.

This is Cunk On Life!

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS

Welcome to our universe,

a limitless expanse
peppered with stars, planets

and assorted space muck.

It's where you live.

In fact, you're somewhere
in this photo,

but we don't know where
because the universe is so vast,

we simply can't make you out,
even with YOUR ears.

Gazing into this infinite tapestry
makes us ask questions not

just about where the ceiling's gone,
but deep questions that strike

at the very core of our arseholes.

Questions like, how did it get here?

Who are you?

I'm Douglas Hedley, and I teach
the philosophy of religion

at the University of Cambridge.

So...why are we here?

You mean why human beings exist?

No. I mean why are we here in... Is
this near your house or something?

No.

It took me 90 minutes to get here
on the Piccadilly line.

There are countless theories
about how the universe got here,

and the earliest one comes
from the wacky world of religion.

This is the good Old Testament,

the first entry in the
Christian cinematic universe.

Jesus isn't in this one.

It's mainly about
his bad-tempered dad,

a man so mysterious we still only
know him by his stage name,

God.

Um, I'm going to go straight
in at the deep end.

Is there a God?

Yes.

Oh, that was quick.

Mm.

Great.

Um, has anyone proved it?

No, except to their
own satisfaction.

Does God have a brother
called Simon?

No.

But they can't prove that either
so he might have.

The universe could have been
created by Simon.

The Old Testament claims God -
and/or Simon - created our universe

in just seven days.

It sounds like a lot to achieve
in such a short space of time but,

unlike us, God wasn't constantly
interrupted by iPhone notifications.

God started by saying,
"Let there be light."

Which makes sense because he needed
to be able to see what he was doing.

Then he divided light from dark,

like I do when I'm doing
a clothes wash.

Next, he created the firmament,
whatever that is,

and the oceans and the stars.

For his next trick, God filled
the oceans with water animals,

or fish as they're sometimes known,

and the heavens with
sky beasts, or birds.

Then he infested the earth
with insects, reptiles, mammals,

and whatever category of things
slugs are.

And, finally, for his
crowning achievement,

he created perhaps the only thing
worth celebrating -

us.

Here on the planet of Italy
is the Sistine Chapel.

Inside it is an astonishing
collection of images created

by overachieving painter-decorator
Michael AN Gelo.

This artwork took him four years
to complete,

ruining a perfectly good ceiling
in the process.

But whatever you think of it,
what it depicts is momentous -

the moment God created life
by jizzing us out of his hands.

This image of the most significant
fingerbang in history has inspired

visitors to the Sistine Chapel
for many centuries,

and visitors to this replica
for less time than that.

It's perhaps the greatest
masterpiece in all of art,

but also the most annoying
to look at.

When I gaze up at it, I'm struck
by a sense of wonder,

but mainly by a crick in my neck.

When Michelangelo painted
the Sistine Chapel,

did he start on the floor and then
they flipped the building over?

Or was it always on the ceiling?

The painting was always
on the ceiling.

It's quite high up, isn't it?

Did Michelangelo use
a really long brush,

or did he have really long arms?

Um, well, he had to stand up on top
of some scaffolding

and bend his head backwards.

Wouldn't paint drip down into
his eyes when he was doing it?

Yeah. I bet he was blinking
the whole time sort of like....

Like that.
He doesn't complain about that,

but he must have done.

However he did it, painting
the Sistine Chapel must have been

a great upper body workout.

How strong were Michelangelo's arms?

Like, if a mad priest had leapt on
his back while he was painting it,

would he have been able to
reach around and pull him off?

Oh, yeah, I think so.

I think Michelangelo was quite
muscular. He must have been. Mm.

Or if he wasn't...
So he could really yank him off!

I think he could have done, yeah.

The man God's creating here
is called Adam.

He's one half of the first
celebrity couple, Adam and Eve,

played here by actors who happily
signed a nudity waiver.

Of course, the real Adam and Eve
wouldn't have had tattoos

we'd have to paint over

or intimate piercings we'd have to
ask them to take out

and hand to our researcher
for safekeeping.

We've pixelated the offensive parts
of their bodies,

a technology that wasn't available
in Old Testament times,

which is why I can see everything,
even though I don't really want to.

Adam and Eve weren't just
the first humans to exist,

but the first humans
to disappoint their dad.

God had hidden the secret
of knowledge

inside a delicious-looking fruit,

and then forbidden them to eat it
for some fucking reason.

But eat it they did.

An early example of an Apple product
hastening the downfall of humankind.

This was the original sin,

and ever since, all humans
have been considered sinful.

Sinners worry God might
punish them,

but what about you?

Well, um, I'm a sinner
like anybody else.

No, I mean should they worry about
you punishing them?

Uh... No.

God realised he needed help
keeping us sinful humans in check

and he knew just who to call on.

This is Holy Moses,
the most successful influencer

of Old Testament times,
very much the Mr Beast of his day.

One day, God invited Moses
to the top of Mount Sinai

and handed him a set of rules
for life carved on stone tablets.

It was the world's first
and heaviest press release.

God commanded Moses to spread
this message far and wide,

which must have been annoying
for Moses,

because he'd have to carry
the tablets back down on foot

and probably didn't have room
in his rucksack.

How many Ten Commandments
were there?

How many? Well, you just named them.
Ten.

So there were ten Ten Commandments.

There weren't 100 commandments.

There were ten...commandments.

There were ten...commandments.

Yes. That's it.

These shalts and shalt nots
are a set

of terms and conditions
for humankind.

All Christians had to agree
to abide by them

and also accept occasional
promotional messages from God

on subjects that may interest them.

How did God manage to boil
his terms and conditions

down to just ten points when the
iPhone end user license agreement

is about 100 pages long?

Well, it just proves the point
that God is God,

and so he's a lot more concise
than we are.

Is it a legally binding contract?

It is a covenant,
which is a covenant of love

between God and God's people, so...

No, I meant the iPhone one.

In a bid to stay
in God's good books,

devout followers
avoid sinful pleasures

like lusting after sloths
during their lifetimes.

Not everyone thinks
enjoying yourself is bad.

Some people dedicate their lives
to hedonism,

the sleaziest -ism there is.

Apart from jism.

Entire cities have been built
for hedonist pursuits -

impressive, opulent cities
like Swansea in Wales,

and also this place.

This is Las Vegas,
Spanish for The Vegas.

With its culture of casinos, strip
clubs and round-the-clock drinking,

it's a mecca for people
who aren't going to Mecca.

Vegas is a shimmering visual
metaphor for human indulgence,

according to our director,

and too far away and expensive
for us to film in,

according to our producer,
who lost the argument.

Given its reputation, Las Vegas
is also known as Sin City,

which is short for Cincinnati,

or would be if that wasn't
a different place altogether.

Many of the tourists who flock here
each year hope

that what happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas.

Maybe that's true, but on the other
hand, God sees everything,

even that thing my ex, Sean,
used to do with his thumb.

Worse still, God doesn't just know
about the sinful things you've done,

he also knows
about the sinful things

you're merely thinking of doing.

God knows everything we're thinking.

That's a data privacy nightmare,
isn't it?

Is there a way to opt out?

Not that I'm aware of.

Could you put God off the scent
by only thinking decoy thoughts?

Like only thinking the opposite of
what you actually think?

Would that work?

I don't think so. No.

Because you're not just dealing
with a God who is omniscient,

knows everything, you're also
dealing with a God

who is omnipotent, is all powerful.

I'll be honest.
This relationship with God

throws up a lot of red flags.

He's watching us all the time.

He sets rules.

He's got a terrible temper.

He even thinks he's God.

Isn't he basically
just a toxic narcissist?

If you follow God's rules
religiously,

you'll ascend to the Kingdom
of Heaven, which sounds great.

Although if you're old when you die,

you might not want to be
going up a lot of stairs.

In Heaven, nobody has to work
any more.

The most that will be asked
of you is doing the washing-up.

But since all earthly appetites
will have been sated,

we can only be talking about
the odd mug.

The alternative to Heaven is Hell,

a fiery pit of damnation
and eternal torment,

which currently only
has two stars on TripAdvisor.

This is quite a spiritual show.

Can I ask about our souls?

Do we get judged for the cleanliness
of our souls when we get to heaven?

I think we get judged by
how we've acted in the world.

When we look into our souls,
what do we find there?

Well, it depends how far
we're prepared to look into it.

How far you look up?

Yeah.

God's unforgiving nature means
his believers try to stay

in his good books through a form of
organised grovelling called worship.

King of Heaven

Many find praising God in this way
gives them a purpose in life -

sucking up to the boss.

If God's up there
looking down on us,

why do we kneel when we pray?

Kneeling is the expression

of a sense of awe and holiness.

Yeah, but what's the point
in kneeling, though, all bent over?

You know, it's terrible acoustics.

Wouldn't it be better
to stand up

and shout a list of demands
up to the sky?

God is not in the sky literally.

Right.

So where is he?
Has he got an address?

God is present

in all places and all times.

What, even, like, in cupboards?

Well, you've raised a very important
question here,

because one way of thinking
about the Divine presence

is in terms of his knowledge.

So maybe God is not located
in the cupboard,

but he knows about the state
of affairs in the cupboard.

Uh, sorry,
is he in a cupboard or not?

Not everyone believes God is solely
responsible for giving us life.

Other origin stories are available.

The man slowly moving toward you

is unshaven Victorian genius
Charles Darwin.

One day, Darwin rode a beagle
to the Galapagos Islands,

where an exotic tortoise gave him
an idea in the form of a theory,

a theory that human bodies hadn't
always been human bodies.

Why do we say our ancestors
came in apes?

Our ancestors came...?

In apes.

Ah.

They didn't come from apes.

Apes and ourselves came
from something else.

A chimp.

Sort of... You know,
it's not exactly like a chimp

or a modern ape or ourselves.
Right.

So we didn't come in a chimp?

No.

It's hard to believe we all
mutated from monkey meat,

unless you consider all life
is basically the same

at a microscopic level.

Lots of things are alive,
from tiny microbes

to bigger microbes.

Every life form is made of cells,
like a prison,

which is probably why existence
is so depressing.

It's a life sentence.

Just like the sentences I say in
this programme about life.

Are cells worth having?

Well, without cells we wouldn't be.

We're made up of trillions of cells.

We all came from a single cell,
so they're really important to us.

Are my cells dividing
and multiplying all the time?

Like, even when I'm sitting
here now?

Since you've been sat there,
they've probably...

You've had about a million cell
divisions going on in your body.

Ugh, no wonder I feel
so worn out all the time.

Cells couldn't multiply
without this -

the Ikea instruction manual
for life, DNA.

DNA is tiny, yet complex,
like Tom cruise.

It would take a typist over 50 years
to type out the DNA sequence,

which would be stupid

because she could just
cut and paste it and go home.

I call her "she" because of
unconscious bias,

which is in my DNA and not my fault.

Have you heard of DNA?

Yes.

Do we all have D and A,

or do some of us have D or A,
but not both?

No, it's not D and A,
it's three letters - DNA.

Can you tell by looking at me
whether I have DNA?

Well, I know you have DNA
because you're a living organism

and all life has DNA.

My mate Paul tried to create
a new life form

by inserting his DNA
into a grapefruit.

But halfway through the experiment,
the greengrocer started hitting him.

Why is science so controversial?

I'm sorry that...that question
didn't follow

from your story of the DNA...

No. It changed, yeah.

One of life's biggest mysteries
is how it's possible for me to look

both like my mother...

..and my father at the same time,

even though I've only got one face.

Is it true the most important thing
we can do as humans

is piss in our jeans?

Pass on our genes.

Pa...? Sorry?

Sorry, it's "pass on our genes."

Oh, right. Um...

Is it true the most important thing
we can do as a human is...

..pass...

..pass on our genes?

Well, I don't know if
it's the most important thing,

but it is very important,
because what it means is

that you pass on your genes
from you to your child.

What if I don't want to pass on
any of mine?

Then, um... Then you don't have to.

Right. How can I avoid it?

Well, um...

You have to make love.

What, to avoid passing on my genes?!

All living things reproduce,

which means all
living things procreate -

dogs, lions,

pigs, penguins,

monkeys, shell monsters,

elephants, horses,

David and Victoria Beckham,
and pigs again.

The female reproductive organs

are largely hidden indoors
for safekeeping

and are normally only visible
behind some kind of paywall.

By contrast, the male genitals,
or "Mr Genitals",

live on the outside of the body,

where they can be
easily photographed

and DMed to a potential mate
without consent.

So which bit's the penis?

So the penis is over here.

It's this bit here. Right.

I'll talk quietly.
I don't want to wake it.

This is a flaccid penis.

So for sexual intercourse,
it has to become erect.

So what happens, then?
What bit goes where?

So this penis needs to become erect.
Yeah.

And then it will be put into
the vagina here during intercourse.

And he's going to ejaculate
sperm through his penis

and then into the woman's vagina.

Pfft. Christ.

I hope nothing like that
ever happens to me.

The disappointingly flavoured soup
that vomits from the penis

contains millions of plucky young
tadpoles which swim their way up

through the female pipework
towards an egg

and then kamikaze into it like
a tiny 9/11 happening up a lady.

This is where, incredibly,
the miracle of life begins

and the precise moment that
a woman's right to choose ends.

Nine months after conception,

the infant painlessly slides
through the lady's front hole

and out into the world.

It then slowly mutates from a baby
into an actual human being.

But what exactly is a human being?

What percentage of people
have a human body?

All humans have a human body.

What about people holding a cat?

Have they got a human body
and a cat's body?

Or does it not work that way?

No, the two are completely separate.

The human is a human
and the cat is a cat.

Human biology has existed almost
as long as humans themselves,

if not longer.

It involves a complex arrangement
of skin

and meat machines called organs.

Put these organs in a plastic bag

and walk around a shoe shop
with them and you'd be arrested.

But put them in the right order
and you've got a human body,

an exquisitely constructed machine

that also farts and eats crisps.

Our organs are so gory some people
can't bear to see images like this.

If you're one of those sensitive
viewers, look away five seconds ago.

Is the correct term for all this
offal or gore?

All this stuff? That is...

This is called the intestine.

If you pulled an intestine out,
how long would it be?

It would be many metres.

OK, but why are you
pulling it out?

We wouldn't normally pull it out
unless there was a disease process.

Right. So you don't know
why it's happening?

No.

All these slimy innards need
a surrounding structure to stop them

slopping onto the floor
for passers-by to slip on.

We wouldn't be upstanding
citizens if it wasn't for this -

the human skeleton,
of ghost train fame.

It's incredible to think

that there's one of these inside
some of us.

Did you know only 40% of people
have skeletons?

Where did you get this figure from?

It's true.
I saw a video about it.

You only find out if you've got
a skeleton after you die.

Some people are just solid meat.
This is...

You know Burt Lancaster,
the actor?

He was solid meat, apparently,
like a sausage.

Every human being has a skeleton.

That figure is 100%.

Did you know knees are a con?

Why do you say that?

Apparently, if you walk everywhere
without bending your legs,

you can prolong your life
by about eight years.

I went running this morning.

How would I run
without bending my knees?

I'm not saying you didn't
bend your knees. Yes.

I'm just saying that
if you didn't bend your knees,

you could prolong your life
by eight years.

Although it does make stairs
a problem, I'll grant you that.

The most important bit of
the human body is up here

in the driver's compartment,
or skull.

Imprisoned within every skull
is a creature we've enslaved

to do our thinking for us -

a sort of smart cauliflower
known as the brain.

So this is a brain. This is a brain.

How many of these are in
an average head?

We have one each.

Just the one?
Just the one brain.

The brain doesn't just tackle
complex tasks like blinking

or making porridge,
it also handles trivial things

like our entire human consciousness,

the origins of which
are a complete mystery.

Does the brain generate
the consciousness,

or does the consciousness operate
the brain?

You'll find lots of disagreement
about this... Oh, I'm sorry,

and I'm supposed to remind you to
keep your answer... What was it?

"Coherent for our
fuckwitted viewers."

It is a complicated question.

My view is that the brain
generates consciousness,

but consciousness gives us
the ability to do things

that we wouldn't be able to do
if we weren't conscious.

Thank you.

And, apparently, I...I wasn't
supposed to read that card aloud,

so...apologies to you at home.

All of this leads to a fundamental
human question,

who am I?

Not me, obviously. I'm on the telly
so people know who I am.

But who are you?

What are you doing here?

And is any of this really happening?

When we have a thought -
like, if I picture a windmill,

how real is that windmill?

It's not real.
It's not real?

It's in your... It's in your mind.

Why did I picture a windmill,
though? Is it a clue?

A clue to...?

Something. I don't know.

It depends what you were
thinking about.

What's inside the windmill?

Um, it depends what you were
thinking about.

What if someone lives inside
the windmill

and I'm not imagining them,
they're imagining me?

This is a very unusual way to think
about how imagination works.

Imagination is a side-effect
of having a mind,

and some believe it can be enhanced

with the use of
mind-expanding drugs.

When hippies took
mind-expanding drugs,

how much wider did their minds get?

Did their skulls ever pop open?

Their skulls didn't pop open,

but it meant that they were more
open to ideas and philosophies

and concepts they might not have
previously considered.

You know when people talk
about opening their third eye?

That's what my mate Paul calls
the hole in the end of his penis.

Why would anyone want to widen that?

The use of psychopathic drugs in
the 1960s also led popular figures

to contemplate more spiritual
aspects to human existence.

When the Beatles dropped acid
and went to India,

did they actually go
or was that part of the trip?

No, they did actually go to India,
and they visited an ashram

and they visited gurus while they
were out there.

It changed the stuff they said,
didn't it?

They said, "All you need is love."

And then George Harrison said,
"All things must pass."

Those were spiritual messages,
weren't they?

So when Paul said he was simply
having a wonderful Christmas-time,

was there a deeper meaning there?

I don't know if there was a deeper
message there, and that was a bit

later that Paul was having
a wonderful Christmas-time.

Yeah. My ex, Sean, sang that to me
in bed once

during an intimate moment.

Honestly, I went as dry
as a cat's tongue.

Rock stars also popularised
meditation as a way to clear

the stresses of modern life
from the mind.

Do you have to sit down to meditate,

or could I do it at the same time
as something else,

like driving or
operating heavy machinery?

Some people do...

So Buddhists, for example,
do walking meditation

so you don't have to sit down.

Does meditation help
our souls relax?

Yes.

Meditation does help
our souls relax.

Yes. Yeah.

Let's take a moment
to realign ourselves

with our present reality together.

We're going to do
a guided meditation now,

so feel free to join in at home.

Close your eyes.

Slow your breathing.

Now breathe in.

INHALES SHARPLY

CHIMES TINKLE

Sorry, breathe out.

EXHALES SHARPLY

Become aware of the rise
and fall of your belly.

Feel the fabric of your clothes
on your skin.

Why is it that particular material?

Was it sewn together
by a child in a sweatshop?

Probably best not to think
about that, actually.

Listen to my voice.

Why have they put a sort
of echo effect on it?

I think it's so that when they show
this footage of me,

it sounds like these are my thoughts
echoing in my mind.

But we filmed that weeks ago.

Hang on. Where am I now?

Hang on, that's... That's me
waking up and standing.

That's not meant to happen.

Help! I'm still here!

Oh, God, I've got separated from my
own body!

They said this might happen. Help!

GUN COCKS
Help!

GUNSHOT
THUD

OFF AIR TONE

Well, our apologies
for that.

We had a duplicate consciousness
stuck on the voiceover track,

so we've had it shot and can shortly
rejoin Cunk On Life.

Who's that walking through
an awesome landscape,

recording a piece to camera?

It's your very own Philomena Cunk!

Featuring a vaguely realistic face,

similar clothing, and a total
lack of mannerisms.

But that's not all! Philomena also
sprouts facial hair,

witnesses the Crucifixion
and lays eggs!

Pop off her head, tip her over
and, whoops-a-daisy, real blood!

And the fun doesn't end
with mopping that up.

Philomena pilots her very own
spacecraft, the USS Triceratops,

with her intergalactic friends,

Captain Shitpeas, Mrs Benson
and Barnaby 9.

Together, they tour the galaxy,

repairing black holes
and mutilating cattle.

Philomena Cunk and Pals,
available from all good retailers.

May contain pine nuts. Side-effects
include spontaneous combustion

and melancholy. Terms and conditions
available on our website.

Do not feed after midnight. Remember
to hydrate forever and ever. Amen.

Coming up on Cunk On Life...

Meet a man facing oblivion
on death row.

I ask a philosopher to probe
our souls.

Do philosophers spend a lot of time
thinking about our souls?

And I visit the Large Hadron
Collider for some astro chat

with Professor Brian Cox.

What's a black hole?

A black hole...

Sorry. A hole of colour.

But first,
let's take a sideways look

at the suffocating inevitability
of death.

Death is the great leveller.

In life you might have been
a billionaire, supermodel,

president and king,
but the moment you die,

you start rotting like
a sausage in a lay-by.

The big unknown is how you'll die.

You might die falling off a ladder
or a cliff,

or into a lake full of knives.

You could be hit by a car or a bus,

or a tractor if you're rustic.

Maybe you're already dead and
watching this from beyond the grave,

which would be a shame because you
won't count towards the ratings.

Statistically, which is more common,
athlete's foot or death?

Death is infinitely more common.

In fact, it is guaranteed
for all of us.

How soon after death is it safe

to resume your regular
day-to-day activities?

You can't resume your day-to-day
activities once you're dead.

How would you?

So you can't do anything?
You can't even listen to a podcast?

You can't listen to anything.

If you played a podcast to a corpse,

would really none of it go in?

Absolutely nothing would go in.

One downside of our big brains
is we're the only creatures

who are aware that death
is inevitable.

Although if you lined ten dogs
in a row and shot them one by one,

the dog on the end would probably
get the gist by about dog four.

Of course, it's easy to forget
about death until it happens to you,

at which point your brain
gets wiped anyway.

It wasn't like that
in medieval times.

Back then, thanks to plagues, wars,

and a general undercurrent
of violence,

people were casually
familiar with death.

In fact, they got FOMO
when they didn't die.

And this matey relationship
with their own mortality

was reflected up their art.

This is Bruegel's Triumph of Death,

which depicts an army of the undead
violently laying waste to humankind

in scenes unlikely to be adapted
into a Pixar movie.

It's terrifying to think
that this actually happened.

We're lucky Bruegel managed
to capture this image

before he, too, was captured
by the skeletons.

In fact, I'm surprised he could
paint at all.

My hands would have been shaking
so much

I'd have had my own eye out
with the brush.

What the fuck is this?

Well, it's a scene of imagination.

But it's not a scene that Bruegel
would have actually witnessed.

I mean, but it could happen,
couldn't it?

PROFESSOR SIGHS
No, it couldn't happen.

Misinformation is getting
so sophisticated.

It's terrifying.

For years, morbid art
like this depicted an ominous figure

dispatching human souls
with a scythe.

That's this man, the Grim Reaper.

Don't worry, I haven't gone mad.

It only looks like there's
no-one there.

In fact, you won't be able to see
the Grim Reaper at home

unless you're going to die
within the next 24 hours.

What happens after death
is the subject of huge debate.

Some think that after you die,
you evolve into a ghost -

a sort of low-tech hologram
made of haunted smoke.

Scientists say ghosts don't exist,

even though they've been caught
on camera loads of times,

like in Poltergeist
and Poltergeist II

and the remake of Poltergeist.

In fact, ghosts have been caught
on camera more often

than scientists have.
So who's real now?

Shall we move on to more
hardcore scientific stuff?

OK, so ghosts.

When a human body dies,

which hole does the ghost come out
of, north or south?

I don't regard ghosts as a hard
scientific subject, I'm afraid.

Let me tell you something.
Don't dismiss it.

In 2021, my aunt Carol got engaged
to a man called Bob Collins.

But one day, he just vanished
and cleared out her bank account.

And when she looked up the name
Bob Collins,

she discovered he'd died in 1958.

He'd been a ghost all along.

Could he not just have been someone
impersonating Bob Collins?

No, no. There were photos
of Bob Collins in 1958

and he looked totally different,

which proves he'd disguised himself
so she wouldn't know he was a ghost.

You can't explain it, can you?
It's terrifying.

Isn't the easier answer
that he doesn't look like him

because it's a different
person altogether?

No, it...

It's a ghost.

Death, tragedy and suffering
have always been part of human life.

Struggling with lives of
ceaseless misery,

people began to wonder whether
any kind of god exists at all.

But for centuries,

no-one dared voice that suspicion

in case God did exist
and smited them shitless.

But that was about to change.

It's 1883, and German philosopher
Friedrich Nietzsche is hard at work

in his study, putting his thoughts
on paper.

Don't worry, he can't hear me.

He's about to write one
of the most controvers...

PHONE RINGS

SILENCES PHONE

He's about to write

one of the most controversial
catchphrases in history,

three little words
by the name of

God is dead.

Nietzsche said, "God is dead,"
didn't he?

And now he's dead himself.

Who's next?

Did he name the killer
before he died?

Nietzsche? No.

I think he thought that...

..people should realise
that they had constructed a god

that actually wasn't doing them
as much good as they thought,

and people need to realise not,
perhaps, that he was dead,

but that he hadn't existed.

So he's saying that we killed him?

In effect.

But I wasn't even born.

No. Yeah.

Nietzsche can fuck off.

Mm.

Can we be sure
God didn't kill himself?

You know, cos you never know
what people are going through.

It's possible.

Nietzsche's proclamation
that God was dead

caused an intellectual firestorm,

as writers and thinkers debated
the decline of religious authority

in an increasingly
secularised world -

107 years before the release

of unrelated Belgian techno anthem
Pump Up The Jam.

Pump Up The Jam
by Technotronic

on the dance floor

the party's at

But if Nietzsche was right
and God is dead,

it means we've got no higher
entities judging our lifestyles,

except the people
from the flat upstairs.

It could create a terrifying
moral vacuum

in which people feel free
to behave atrociously,

like they did in the entertainment
industry of the 1970s...

..and the '80s...and the '90s...

..the 2000s, the 2010s, and today.

Luckily, moral guidance was on hand,

thanks to the world of literature.

There were a lot of influential
Russian writers

in the 19th century -
Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky,

Turgenev, Turnover and Pushkin.

Who was best?

I like Pushkin.

Yeah? Yes.

What about Turnover?

Turnover is...

What did he write?

Oh, I don't know.
It's in my notes.

Um...

Um, "The main influential Russian
writers were Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky,

"Turgenev - turn over -

and Pushkin."

I think... It's all right if you've
not heard of him, it's fine. No.

You shouldn't be embarrassed.
I hadn't heard of him either.

Yeah. No, no.

This is one of the literary
world's greatest moral thinkers -

Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoyevsky,

seen here enjoying himself
at a party.

He wrote many books still not read
to this day,

but his most celebrated work,

his absolute Tour de France,
his unopened masterpiece

Crimean d'Punishment.

Crime And Punishment grapples
with individual freedom,

the role of authority,
and the complexities of morality.

What would you give it out of ten?

I'd give it nine, I think.

Nine? Yeah.

Nine.

Punishment hasn't changed much
since Dostoyevsky's day,

although incredibly, in some
countries, if an offender's crime

was really bad, the authorities will
actually cut their sentence short...

..by killing them.

Capital punishment forces us to ask
questions like - Does it hurt?

Are tickets available? And -
What's the view like from seat 6A?

And also other more profound
moral questions.

Why do we say people are facing
the electric chair

when they've got their backs to it?

Well, I think you're taking it
too literally there.

What we mean by facing
the electric chair is...

..is facing an inevitable death.

This is Waylon Jackalope IV.

In 2019, he skinned six people alive

and was rewarded with
his own Netflix documentary

and a guest spot on death row.

And I'm delighted to say
he's joining us right now.

So, Waylon, you murdered six people.

Where do you get your ideas from?

It's kind of tough for me
to dwell on.

All I can say is, um, the Waylon
Jackalope that killed those folks

was a...was a different man
to the one you see today.

What, so it wasn't you?
You're innocent?

Well, no, ma'am, I killed them.

Oh, thank God for that.

So, um, have you been on death row
before or is this your first time?

First time.

You're facing the electric chair.

Aren't you worried
about what's going to happen?

I've made my peace with the Lord
and I'm ready to meet him.

Yeah, but aren't you scared
it'll hurt? It's millions of volts.

My mate Paul says your liver fries
and your kidneys pop

and your bowels go into reverse flow

and shoot boiling shit up into
your throat, which chokes you.

Apparently, it'd be
genuinely more humane

to just pay some of the other
inmates to hold you down

and physically pull your head off.

Anyway, um, best of luck.

Actually, before you go, could you
just do a quick promo thing

for us into that phone?

Could you say,
"Watch me die on Cunk On Life"?

It's for TikTok. It's only short.

Watch me die on Cunk For Life.

ON Life. On Life.

Watch me die on Cunk On Life.

There you go. Wasn't hard, was it?

Why does the electric chair
only do one person at a time?

Could you have an electric bench
that does about seven in one go?

You probably could.
You definitely shouldn't.

It would be quicker, though,
and you can do them in batches.

It would be quicker, but we'd have
to accept that the death penalty

was a sensible and useful thing to
do, and I don't accept that, so...

Electrocuting people
isn't very ecofriendly, is it?

Could we steam them
to death instead?

Um, I'm sure there are other ways
of administering the death penalty

that might be more ecofriendly.

I think the preference
would be to not do it at all.

In a just and moral society,

is it better to kill
one innocent person

than to save one innocent person?

It's never going to be better
to kill an innocent person,

I don't think.

Contemplating weighty, big-bummed
life and death dilemmas

in a godless universe opens the door
to nihilism and existentialism,

two of the hardest to spell
concepts in philosophy.

So nihilism is the view
that nothing,

absolutely nothing matters.

Why don't people mention they're
nihilists on their dating profiles?

Like, I went on a date with a bloke,

and 20 minutes in he said he was
a nihilist

and that because human existence
is futile,

there was no point
continuing with the date.

Then he left and I had to pay.

Was he a nihilist or just a prick?

Probably both.

Yeah, as I suspected.

Nihilism is the belief that life
is meaningless

and nothing is worth believing in
except more nihilism.

Existentialism is the same as that,
but using longer words.

Who's the most famous existentialist
in history?

Probably Jean-Paul Sartre.

Right. See, I'd have said it was ET.

This is the first
celebrity existentialist,

Parisian writer Jean-Paul Sartre
and Ringo.

Sartre saw things differently
to everybody else,

partly because of his
questioning mindset,

but mainly because of those eyes.

I mean, seriously, he could
probably see the back

of his own ears with them
or write two books at once.

That's why he was such a prolific
author, writing book upon book

outlining his existentialist
theories, decades before the release

of unrelated Belgian techno anthem
Pump Up The Jam,

which you heard earlier.

Someone told me that cats are a good
example of something

that lives like an existentialist.

A good life for an existentialist,
if there is such a thing,

is a matter of creating
your own goals and values

and sincerely following them.

For example, my cat reacts
to his environment

rather than just being dragged
around by others.

How do you know cats aren't
thinking about their existence?

They might be really anxious
and when they say meow,

they're expressing their own pain,
like, "Me, ow!"

Well, cats have pain.

They don't behave in a way
that seems to suggest

a level of self-consciousness.

Cats lick their own bumholes,
don't they?

Are all existentialists
supple enough to do that?

Uh, no.

Being overwhelmed with existential
angst is part of being human.

Some of the greatest artists
in history have tried to express

the agony of the human condition,

and so have ones who could only
paint as badly as this.

This is Edvard Munch's The Scream,
the first major existentialist

statement to later become an emoji.

What inspired Eddie Munch
to paint this?

It was an experience
he'd had walking with his friends.

But I've been on bridges

and you don't find me
painting about it.

How come we can't hear him?
Is he on mute?

No. It's nature
that is screaming loudly,

and we all could hear
nature screaming loudly.

So is this one of the few examples
of a silent painting?

All paintings are silent.

If Edvard Munch knew
we wouldn't be able to hear it,

why didn't he wait till
this bloke's mouth was closed

before painting him?
It's just annoying.

I've noticed he's not moving either.
Why is that?

Because he's rooted to the spot
by the deep emotion he finds.

So it's a freeze-frame
of a painting.

It's a freeze-frame of a mood.

Drew Barrymore dies at the start
of this painting, doesn't she?

Do you know if they've got Scream 2
in this gallery as well?

Scream 2? Yeah.

I'm afraid I don't know Scream 2.
I mean...

But this was based on the film,
wasn't it?

I don't think he'd seen the film.

It's a painting of an experience
he'd had. Yeah.

But not a physical experience,

an emotional and
psychological experience. Right.

We paint our souls.

Why do we paint our souls?

The more agonised and miserable
the artwork,

the more people like it.

And no dead, agonised artist
is bigger than miserable redhead

and own ear vandal,
Vincenzo Van Beethoven Gogh.

As you can see from this photograph,
Van Gogh actually resembled

a painting in real life,

making a career in art inevitable.

Several of his works,
such as Sad Flowers,

Scary Night

and Woofy McPoker
have fetched millions at auction.

£22,500,000 for the last time.

This is one of his most
famous works,

Wheatfield With Crows.

At first glance,
it's a simple rural scene.

But look closer and you'll see
it's actually very badly made.

Take these birds.

Apparently they're crows,
but it's impossible to know

cos there's no detail at all.

Some are big, some are small,

some have more wings than others.

Looking at this, it's hard to
believe Van Gogh had actually even

seen a crow or a wheatfield,

or even held a brush before.

Look at those strokes.

They're sloppy.

It's like he painted it
wearing boxing gloves.

It's just not good enough.

In fact, it's actively bad.

Van Gogh's life, and by extension,
our world, would have been improved

if he'd never painted anything,

not even a bog door
in a home for the blind.

Anyway, that's my view.

What do you think?

Of course, most people aren't
miserable like Van Gogh.

They're miserable like themselves.

They simply don't have time
to channel their pain

into artistic expression
because they're too busy working.

And work is something we all learn
to barely tolerate.

Ever since the earliest cavemen
went to work for the first cunt,

people have hated their jobs,
partly cos those jobs were awful.

For centuries, most jobs involved
manual labour,

like lugging heavy coal around

and tilling the fields while someone
sketched you for posterity.

But as our world gets more modern
and full of all plastic and metal

and stuff, the nature of work
has changed.

Now jobs are even worse,

which contributes to an
ever-growing sense of hopelessness.

Humans have to work a lot,
don't they?

Can work ever be truly rewarding?

Yeah, I think so.

What, even for him?

All he does is hold a stick all day.

There's no way that's rewarding.

Or meaningful.

There's no skill involved.

We wouldn't even need a machine
to replace him,

just like a bracket
and a stand'd do.

Can't be fulfilling
in the slightest.

He holds that stick more than
he holds his loved ones.

If you think of the things
he's missed out on

just holding that fucking stick
like a slave,

you don't get that time back,
you know.

Wasted his life.

ORGAN MUSIC ECHOES

Very echoey in here, isn't it?

Phil would have hated that.

Wouldn't he, Ian?

You're next.

Can we have a minute for atmos,
please?

Life itself can sometimes
feel like a horrible burden

from which there is no escape.

But, luckily, help is at hand.

That's why I've come to leading
streaming platform Streamberry

to see how they help
distract viewers

from the bottomless misery
of existence.

Here at Streamberry, we're
passionate about providing our users

with entertainment that speaks
to them on a personal level

about their needs,

not just as a consumer,
but as a mammal.

We monitor our viewers'
emotional state at all times,

and we've discovered most
of them are locked in a state

of existential helplessness.

And I imagine you want to fix that.

Yes. That's why we launched a suite
of programming aimed at viewers

who have given up all hope,
which is 116% of them.

These shows are grouped together
into genre brackets that help

despairing viewers locate content
that really speaks to their mood.

We're currently seeing maximum
growth in a category called

Standing On A Ledge Right Now.

And what's that?

That's programming aimed at viewers
standing on a ledge right now,

usually watching on their phone.

Naturally, we don't want
them to jump.

That would negatively
affect engagement.

And what about the little ones?
Is there anything for them?

Yes, actually. One of our newest
releases is a show aimed at kids...

..standing on ledges. Wow!

And I think we've got an
exclusive preview of that right now.

WHIMPERING

GASPS

Hey, mister, don't jump!

Why not?

Well...
JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

like life's lost its meaning

will need careful cleaning

you just wouldn't survive

Um... OK.

in all of its wonder

and sunshine and thunder

In sorrow they'd drown

Uh-uh...

Argh! He's right!

Agh... Oh, OK.

Yay!

Argh! Uh-oh!

Hmm.

SIREN WAILS

Well, thanks, Jacqui.
That was really enlightening,

and Streamberry seems fantastic.

Thank you. Thank you.

Great.

Brilliant.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Still to come...

Will computers recode
the meaning of life?

Will we ever be able to upload
our souls to a computer?

I take a closer look at cloning.

If you clone twins, do you get
two copies of one of them

or one copy of both of them?

Brian Cox gives a scientific view
of the firmament.

Isn't it a waste of energy
leaving the stars on at night?

No.

But, first,
time to contemplate our fate

in a pitiless, godless universe.

With God dead and existential
despair all the rage,

it seemed humankind was all alone
in the universe.

We were back to square one,
staring up at the night sky

and wondering how it got there.

To find out, we'd have to reopen
the biggest cold case of all time.

The Bible had claimed the universe
was God's creation.

But now we knew that that was a lie,

we'd have to come up with
a new implausible theory.

It's October 5th, 1923.

An astronomer, Edwin Hubble,
is about to make

an incredible discovery.

Peering through his telescope, he
becomes the first human to observe

a Cepheid variable star
in a galaxy beyond our own.

Hubble raced home to tell
his wife, Grace,

who had loyally supported him
throughout his career.

"I've done it!" he cried,
but in his voice instead of mine.

"I've fundamentally altered
our concept of the universe."

"Oh, darling, that's wonderful,"
she replied.

Her eyes shone with pride
and they embraced.

As they kissed hungrily, their
excitement gave way to passion

and they moved to the bedroom,
hurriedly shedding their clothes.

Flesh pressed on flesh...

STRING MUSIC PLAYS

..as they explored each other's
bodies with carnal abandon.

EROTIC MOANING

Together they steadily built
towards a crescendo of ecstasy,

their faces contorting with bliss.

MUSIC CUTS OUT
PANTING

MOANING
HEAVY BREATHING

STRING MUSIC PLAYS
SHE CRIES OUT

And a mutual orgasm shuddered
through their bodies.

There they lay, quietly entwined,
exhausted yet resplendent

in the warm afterglow
of their union.

And then Hubble mopped up
the damp patch with his vest.

Hubble's discovery paved the way
for a ground-breaking theory

about how our universe was formed,

a theory that still excites nerds
to this day.

Why do people say the universe
came out of a big bag?

I think you mean Big Bang.

A big bag that went bang?

No, no, just a Big Bang. No bag.

Has anyone ever claimed
responsibility for the Big Bang?

It just happened.

So we're no nearer finding
a culprit?

The Big Bang is a theory,

and like all theories,
no-one understands it.

And if they come too close
to working it out,

they're assassinated by the CIA.

But if it did happen, the Big Bang
filled the universe with matter.

This is an atom.

It's so tiny,
you probably can't see it

even if you're watching in 4K.

In fact, it's so small,

chances are I dropped it
before we started filming.

You, me and everything around us
is made from these.

Apart from this coat,
which is 100% cashmere.

What's the point of atoms?

You know, do we really need them,
or could we just do without?

We do really need them,
because we are made of atoms.

Everything in the world is made
of atoms,

so without them we wouldn't be here.

Are eyes made of atoms?

Yes.

Cos my mate Paul
did ketamine once,

and he said he started counting
all the atoms in his eyes.

Then he tried to eat a towel
and he ended up in hospital.

OK.

Are my feet made of atoms?

Yes.

I mean, I could save... Why...

..save you the bother by...
Everything you say... Everything?

Absolutely everything?
All stuff is made of atoms.

Are thoughts made of atoms?

Well, no... Well, no,
thoughts are...

Well, there you go, then.
OK. But thoughts...

OK.

You might think nothing's smaller
than atoms,

but as usual, you'd be wrong.

Incredibly, atoms themselves are
made of even smaller

subatomic particles.

Scientists have spent literally
decades attempting to explain

why these are interesting.

To no avail.

Perhaps that's why, deep underground
near Geneva,

they built a gigantic machine called
the Large Hadron Col-lidder.

It smashes
subatomic particles together,

recreating the conditions
of the Big Bang.

And I'm actually walking
into it now,

wearing a hard hat
in case a proton falls on me.

So this is this is the actual
Large Hadron Colander.

So am I right in thinking
that this might prove the existence

of chakras within the human body?

No.

You're not interested in chakras?

No, in the same way I'm not
interested in ghosts.

But my aunt Carol, she can sense
chakras in someone's body,

and she doesn't need any machines.

This could explode at any minute,
couldn't it?

No. How fast do the protons
in this thing go?

99.999999% the speed of light.

Your sense of smell is faster,
isn't it?

No.

Well, how come that when someone's
frying bacon

and you walk in the kitchen,
you can smell it straight away

before you've even seen it.

Have you ever tried putting
bacon in here?

No.

Yeah, you should try it.
You might make quantum bacon.

Would that make it more interesting?

A little bit.

Why would it be more interesting?
Cos what it's trying to do...

I'm desperately... I'm trying to
help you out here.

I'm trying to, like, make it

even slightly more interesting
than it is.

But what it did was it detected
a thing called a Higgs particle.

Without the Higgs particle, you, me,
and everything else that we know of

in the universe, none of those
things would exist. Right.

In 2012, the mega boffins at CERN
discovered something incredible -

the Higgs "bosom".

Because of its significance
in explaining

how our universe was made, the Higgs
"bosom" is sometimes referred to

as the God particle, but it could
also be called the Allah particle

because we can't show you
any pictures of it.

No less an authority than the man
I just spoke to claimed

it was the biggest scientific
discovery in his lifetime...

I think this is the biggest
scientific discovery in my lifetime.

..and that it stood with the great
scientific discoveries of all time.

And it stands with the great
scientific discoveries of all time.

Can the Higgs boson rewind time?

No.

Can it tell when an earthquake
is going to go off?

No.

Can it make food spicier?

It's just a particle.

It's like saying, can an electron...

..tell when an earthquake is going
to go off?

Can it? No. Oh.

Subatomic particles - the tiniest
things in existence -

can simultaneously exist in
two different states at once,

just like Liam Hemsworth,
who's sexy AND boring.

In other words, science moves
in mysterious ways,

just like God does,

which was awkward because scientists
had decided God didn't exist.

So they invented a whole new kind
of science,

the science of things that
don't make scientific sense.

And to make it sound official,
they gave it a clever name.

What is quantum mac-physics?

Quantum physics is...

So quantum mechanics is our best
theory of how the world works.

It describes everything that
we've observed, other than gravity.

Do mirrors run on quantum physics?

Run? Yeah.

As in... Well, according to quantum
physics, mirrors shouldn't work.

They're a miracle.

That's not correct.

Quantum theoryonics proves
there's infinite multiverses,

like in Marvel films, doesn't it?

That's one interpretation
of the theory.

How many infinite multiverses
are there?

If there were an infinite number
of multiverses,

then the number of multiverses
would be infinite.

See, I think there's two -

ours and the one in mirrors.

Mirrors are windows into
other universes, aren't they?

No.

My mate Paul says they run
on quantum power

and that's why you can see
into an alternative dimension

in which everything's the same
as our realm but backwards.

What does Paul do?

Well, he worked in a tennis ball
factory where he had to catch

the tennis balls, but he was fired
from that, and now he's unemployed.

Sorry, am I wasting your time?

Yeah.

By the end of the 20th century,
science had tried to outdo religion

by explaining creation,
unpicking the fabric of existence,

and discovering the God particle.

For its next trick,

it tried to emulate God himself
by creating life.

The first-ever thing to be cloned
was Dolly the sheep,

daughter of Dolly, the other sheep.

Dolly became the most famous sheep
in history,

although to be fair,
that's a low bar.

Of course, cloning raises
awkward questions

about our sense of identity.

If I get copied, am I still unique?

Or is the clone me more unique

because it's a clone,
which is cooler?

What makes me me and you you?

And us us and we we?

But rather than being replaced
by clones,

it's more likely we'll be replaced
by something else we created -

computers, which are becoming
so clever

they might one day
outsmart their masters.

Will a computer ever be clever
enough to play chess?

Computers are already clever enough
to play chess.

Really? This is chess
we're talking about.

Yes. Years ago, computers overtook
human beings at chess.

But do they know
what all the pieces do?

Like, even the little horse ones?

Yes.

But the horse ones move in
random directions, don't they?

There's no pattern to it.

No. No, there is. They...
They just move...

..two in one direction and one
in the other, so... Oh, right.

Did the computers
work that out for us?

Not content with playing chess,
computers are getting better

at emulating other, more human,
less chess-like pursuits.

One of the first examples of AI was
a piece of software called Eliza,

which stands for something.

Eliza simulated a psychiatrist.

It would ask you how you were
feeling and respond to your reply,

but it was basic. It couldn't do
everything a psychiatrist can do.

It couldn't walk round the desk
or overcharge you,

start an affair with its secretary,
cook an omelette, or go...

SHE BABBLES

Today AI is everywhere
and all around us,

in our homes and in our hands,

with digital assistants
like Siri... Hi, there!

..Alexa, and that Google one
no-one remembers.

Seriously, it might as well be
called Cuthbert.

But when people talk about AI,
most of them are thinking about

generative AI chatbots like
this - ChatGPT,

which is so good at mimicking humans

we might as well fucking
kill ourselves.

Or at least that's what it
just told me.

People worry a lot about AI.

What about you?

You mean am I worried about...?

No, I mean should they worry
about you?

N... I-I...

I hope not. I hope not.
I mean, I'm...

People are worried
about artificial intelligence

because they think maybe one day
it'll replace us human beings.

I'm a human being.
Why should they be worried about me?

No. No, no, the letter U.

They're all vowels, aren't they?
Oh, I... A-I-U.

What does the U in AI stand for?

There isn't a U in AI.

So it's a secret, then?
The computer's hidden it?

I'm more than machine or man,

more than a fusion of the two.

Of course, us humans aren't
about to be slaughtered

by the nightmarish robots
of science fiction.

We're about to be slaughtered

by the nightmarish robots
of real life.

Now as humans stand on a precipice
at the edge of a cliff face,

peering into a bottomless abyss

and wondering if there's a void
underneath it,

the question of life's purpose seems
more urgent than ever,

and even experts are confused.

Is there a point to human existence?

And if there is, what is it?

And when you're answering, bear
in mind that if it's too long,

we have to overlay funny pet videos
over part of the screen

so viewers don't get bored.

Well, we want our lives
to have meaning.

And the question is,

is that meaning
something that we construct,

which is what the German philosopher
Nietzsche would say,

or is meaning something that we
discover in the world?

Maybe that meaning is generated
by God,

or maybe that meaning
just happens to be

part of the fabric of the universe.

Why are poos tapered at the end?

Are they that shape
when they're inside us

or do our bums mould them
into that shape?

Sorry, that's for the poo expert.

Although you're here, so do
you fancy answering it or...?

I don't think I know enough
about human biology

to give you an accurate answer.

Fair enough. Yeah.

Throughout this landmark epic,
which you have definitely enjoyed,

my quest for meaning
has taken me around the world

and into several
buildings, downstairs

and, at one point,
onto a bouncy castle.

From religious ecstasy
to nihilistic defecation,

from great works of literature

to that awful fucking painting,

humankind's quest
for meaning has never let up.

And now my work here is done.

I hope you found it illuminating.

Now it's time for me to find out
the meaning of life in other worlds.

Goodbye.

Do authors sign their books
at the end,

like when you write a letter?

Like, "That's Crime And Punishment,
the end.

"Yours sincerely,
Dostoyevsky."

Seldom, I think.

Why does the human eye have a nerve
connecting it directly to the anus?

It doesn't. It does,

because when you pick your bum,
you sort of go like that.

When the penis goes into a lady,

why does it keep backing out
and going back in?

Can't it just go in,
get it done and leave?

Were our souls created
during the Big Bang?

Depends what you mean by our souls.

You know what I mean by our souls.

It's a shame they only make semen,
isn't it?

If they made tomato soup,

you could share a nice mug of it
in bed afterwards.

Is it harder to enter the
Kingdom of Heaven since Brexit?

I don't think Brexit has anything
to do with the Kingdom of Heaven.

Doesn't matter.
Or Hell, for that matter.

My mate Paul says if you look
in a mirror for about an hour,

it's possible to trick
your consciousness into thinking

it's inside the other you,

and then you can run off before it
can jump back out and get you.

He said he managed it once,

but about a second
after he started running,

he caught his balls on a door handle

and ended up rolling
around on the floor in agony

while his consciousness watched him
from the mirror, pissing itself.

I don't think your consciousness
can go inside a mirror.

I do worry about Paul.

I think he just hasn't
found his role in society.

So you're in the Big Bang gang?

The Big Bang...
Gang.

The Big Bang gang?
The Big Bang gang.

I think we're all in
the Big Bang gang. Are we?

Yeah. Could you say that
down that lens there, please?

Yeah. I'm in the Big Bang gang.
You're in the Big Bang gang.

You're in the Big Bang gang.

We're all in the Big Bang gang.