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Are you a top or a bottom?

I beg your pardon?

I mean in real life.

This is real life.

Let me put it this way...

Do you think we should get out of Iraq?

Is your daddy paying for this?

No.

You're taking a picture
of yourself at Ground Zero...

do you smile?

Get on the fucking bed!

- Are you in?
- Yeah.

If you could have any super power,
what would it be?

The power to make you interesting.

Do you think you'll ever have kids?

You only have an hour.

It's my money.

You fucking trust fund
hipster piece of fetus shit!

- I'm sorry!
- "I'm sorry" what?

I'm sorry, Mistress Severin.

But I'm serious.
What are your thoughts on procreation?

I want to do it by myself in the dark,
like a worm.

Can you describe your last orgasm?

It was great.

It was like time had stopped
and I was completely alone.

Let's go, partner.

No, not yet...

I'm gonna miss my fucking train.

Oh, God!

Oh! Easy, easy!

Huh.

Were you sad afterwards?

Yeah.

Why?

'Cause time hadn't stopped...

and I wasn't alone.

Hey hon, I'm home!

Hey.

- You doing yoga?
- Yeah.

Sorry, I would have been here sooner

but somebody threw themselves
in front of the L train.

- Hey.
- Hey.

God, you're so sweaty. I love it.

I just jerked off, actually.

You did?

Did you think of me?

I'm gonna go put on some clothes.

This is recording.

Fuck!

When are you gonna let me see
what you're working on?

Soon.

Thank you.

Oh. Thank you.

Cutie.

That was- oh God, that was incredible.

Definitely.

Oh God, I feel sorry for people
who don't have what we have.

Like Brad and Cheryl.

Brad and Cheryl?

Yeah, the couple I've been working with.

Can you keep a secret?

Of course I can keep a secret.

Yesterday Cheryl told me...

she's been faking her orgasms.

She won't tell Brad because
she's afraid he'll break up with her.

So I finally told her
what I think she should do.

What should she do?

She should keep faking.

It's a completely legitimate
strategy to buy time.

- Really?
- 'Cause the thing is,

is if she tells Brad
he's gonna think it's all his fault.

You know?

And the thing is, an orgasm
isn't something Brad can give her.

She has to claim it for herself.

What do you think?

What do you mean, what do I think?

Hi.

Jamie and Jamie.

Actually I just started
calling myself "James" again.

I'm sorry.

- That's all right.
- I keep forgetting.

Jamie and James.
Tell me about yourselves.

Well, I'm Jamie Mitchell.
I was a child actor.

I was on a TV show called
'One of the Family.'

Where the rich black couple
adopted the poor white trash kid...

and they didn't have the heart
to tell him he's not black?

"I'm an albino!"

I'm Canadian.

Well, Jamie and I met
when I was doing research for

'Taken From the Streets.'
I played a street hustler.

And James was...

He was escorting at the time.

James, what do you do now?

Well, I don't hustle any more.

I guess-

He's a lifeguard.

- Yeah, at a-
- A gym jacuzzi.

Can you tell me why you're here?

Well, recently we started talking about
opening up the relationship, you know-

Sexually.

I was a little surprised when Jamie
mentioned that he wanted to do this.

And then I thought, you know
we've been together 5 years, and...

I mean, let's face it,
monogamy's for straight people.

But we thought we should get an
impartial opinion from a sex therapist.

Dr. Lin?

Actually, I prefer
the term "couples counselor."

Although I have a great deal
of experience in sex therapy.

Jamie, I'm wondering,
can you do me a big favor?

Sure.

Leave us alone.

Okay.

- Thanks.
- All right.

Why are you here?

Well, something did happen
at work last week.

Would you mind if I
taped myself talking about this?

See, I'm making this little film,

and I just wanted
to tape myself telling this story.

- Just me.
- Sure. Okay.

So, I was at the gym last week.

Oh, Jesus!

Something's in there!
Something's in the bottom there.

Can you help me?!

Whoa. What was that?

It must have been a brownout.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

Everything's fine.

You know, we were making some progress.

You know what?
I got to hear from James...

and now I'd love to hear from you, Jamie.

Tell me what you need
in your life right now.

Well, I need Jamie.

Besides James.

We love each other so much.

I just-

I don't want to lose him.

And I think about him and other guys...

and then I think about me and other guys,
and I think...

maybe there's an opportunity here.
I mean, there's a lot of good...

and cute people in the world
who don't have any love in their lives.

I think we could help them.
I mean, I love cute people.

Tell me what you need in one sentence.

I love everybody.

That's not a need.

I need to love everybody.

Wait! Did you just hear me?
I need to love everybody?!

How could I love everybody?
I can't even meet everybody!

Whoa! You're good!

- Thank you!
- Jamie-

'Cause, Honey, I'm having a breakthrough.

Jamie, that's actually
called a false epiphany.

Oh, come on! Give me a breakthrough!
You gave him a breakthrough!

- You don't just dole out the breakthroughs!
- Well, you can!

Why don't you
give yourself a breakthrough?

I don't need a breakthrough!

You look like you need a breakthrough!

I do not need a breakthrough!

- We all need breakthroughs!
- You shut up and sit down!

- You shut up!
- Sit down!

Oh my God.
You know what? I am so sorry.

I'm not gonna charge you for this session.

It's-

I'm pre-orgasmic.

Does that mean
you're about to have one?

No.

I've never had one.

- Get the hell out!
- Unhand me!

- Everybody hates you!
- Do you know who I am?

- Yes, I know who you are.
- Doctor Donut!

- Eat my twat, Doctor Donut!
- Fuck you!

I hate carbs!

- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.

Jamie and James
told me to come here.

What's your name?

Sofia.

Oh, Sofia! I'm Justin Bond.
I'm the mistress of Shortbus.

Come on.

- Do you know what a short bus is?
- No.

You've heard of the big yellow school bus?
Well, this is the short one.

It's a salon for the gifted and challenged.

Hiyah!

That's Alice.
She's got a cunt like a wizard's sleeve.

This place has really
taken off in the last few years,

since all these young people
started flocking to the city.

Why would they come to New York?
It's so expensive to live here.

9/11. it's the only thing real
that's ever happened to them.

Now, in here is our performance room.

But tonight we're having a film festival.

They're boring as hell,
but I find the more boring they are...

the more intelligent people
think they are for watching them.

- "I'm an albino!"
- Thanks!

There's the Jamies.

Hey!

Good to see you.

- Hi, James.
- Hey.

I'm so glad you came.

I just have to switch the films.

We're gonna do a 3-hour
Gertrude Stein documentary.

That sounds like a real weenie-shrinker.
Come on, let's go get laid.

- You gonna be all right?
- Yeah, I've got her.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

Are you sure you want to try this tonight?

No, let's do it. it'll be good for us.

Are you okay with it?

Yeah.

If you find somebody and I don't,
you know, that's totally cool.

But if I find somebody and you don't
that's a deal-breaker for me.

- I can't do that.
- No. No. Don't do that.

I spend half my time blowing the NYPD
to keep this place open.

I barely have any time for myself.

Here's the "Sex-Not-Bombs" Room.

This is where it all happens.
Aren't they beautiful?

It's not your average sort of
Friday night event but...

people seem to be enjoying themselves.

Last week, we had some people in here.

I had to throw them out,
because, you know, this is my house.

Oh, this is Creamy.
She's your maitre d'.

Pleased to meet you.
Can I offer you some condoms or lube?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

Well, then maybe some bloodies.

These are cannabis-free.
The potcorn isn't.

- Excuse me.
- Potcorn!

These are actually not all for me.
Thank you so-so much.

Why don't you come in and have a look?
After all, voyeurism is participation.

Well?

Oh, come on.

These bitches in there
eating ass and sucking cock...

and then they show up
at the buffet and say they're vegan.

Hi.

- What's up?
- Any bites?

- No.
- I love these little gadgets.

Oh, this is Sofia.
She's a friend of the Jamies.

- You know the Jamies?
- Yeah.

I love the Jamies. They're like
the cutest couple in the whole world.

Do you think you could
introduce me to them?

Yeah, probably.

- I'm Ceth. With a C.
- Justin?

Someone just came on your cat.

- It's not funny.
- Good luck with that.

Why can't they leave my pussy alone?

What is that?

It's a Yenta 650.
It's supposed to find me a husband.

How does it work?

- Well, I put in my profile-
- Ha ve / got a match for you!

Hello.

- Hi.
- I'm Magnus.

And you are Keth.

That's actually Ceth.
So you're 1.9 meters tall?

What's that in feet and inches?

Do you know?
Where are you from?

- Canada.
- Oh really?

- 6 and a half feet.
- 6 and a half!

- So that makes a 15 centimeter dick.
- Oh my God!

Maybe we can talk about this if we sit.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

Great.

- Is my hair okay?
- Yeah, it's fine.

Thanks.

- Sofia, come sit with us.
- Okay.

You make it sound like
the Loch Ness Monster. I mean...

it doesn't seem like it
should be so hard to... to find.

It is so elusive. You know?

I'm starting to wonder
if it's even natural.

It's not necessary for procreation, is it?

It only seems to appear
in a handful of species like...

the rabbit and the ferret,
the bottle-nosed dolphin...

the macaque, the benobo -

Hey. "I'm an albino!"

Thanks.

Well, I am.
So it meant a lot to me.

Oh. That means a lot to me, actually.

Hey.

Hey.

- You gonna be around later?
- Sure.

Sorry, go on.

You know, I feel like we're inundated
by images of these super-deluxe babes...

in the throes of the ultimate orgasm.

I think it's just some myth
to sell more magazines.

Whoa. Whoa, myth?

Did you just say
that female orgasms are a myth?

Yeah.

I'm here to tell you, sister, they're not.

- Here we go.
- I've seen them happen before.

They're completely real.

Shabbos, Sofia. Sofia, Shabbos.

Hey, kids.

- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm Shabbos Goy, and if you're Jewish
I can help you turn on your lights.

I'm agnostic.

- Do you like performance art?
- Yeah, I do.

Okay. I'm gonna do a show soon.
I think that you should come to it.

It might be sort of therapeutic
for your little problem.

- Excuse me?
- I have to say,

I find the fact that you can't
have an orgasm completely unacceptable.

I would really like to work with you.

- Shabbos!
- Maybe I can help her.

You know, I'm sort of like
an orgasmic superhero.

Have / got a match for you!
Bo y oh boychik!

OM shayna punam!
Shayne punam at 7702:o'clock!

So nu? Skedaddle!
Go! Why so picky?

Shit.

Sir, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay?

My pacemaker...
this odd vibration.

- I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no.

I think it was my Yenta.

Your who?

Do I know you from somewhere?

Well...

I used to be the Mayor of New York.

Oh my God!

It's called "Ode to the Female Secretion"
and it works in 5 different movements.

Lubrication, lactation...

ejaculation, which is my favorite.

Then, urination and menstruation.

- I think my throat's closing.
- I can do the last 2.

Are you a really heavy bleeder?

On my 2nd and 3rd days.

That's so hot. That's so hot.
You know I use...

I use menstrual blood as makeup in my show.

Tampons, just pull them right out...

fresh from the fruit,
and use it as lipstick.

It's a period piece.

You're kidding.

I should totally use that in the show.

That's the first funny thing
you've ever said in your life.

Would you be interested in doing that?

- You mean, donating my-
- Some of your menstrual blood.

For my face.

- Oh, come on, now!
- What?

I'm drawing the line! Whoa!

- Did that make you-
- No. Yeah!

You know, I think
it just made you uncomfortable...

- because you're a little baby homo.
- What are you doing?

Does this really have anything
to do with an orgasm?

It comes from her fuckin' pussy.
Why are you so uncomfortable about it?

I can deal with pussies.
I'm around them all the time.

I'm not talking about
your fucking boyfriend.

Get him off of me!

You got a boner!

It's my cell phone,
you fucking albino butch faggot!

Why don't you fuck me, then,
with your mangina?

I'm gonna kick your ass just for
cockblocking me, you fucking dick.

Hi. Hi.

Are you okay?

There's just lots of... lots of...

Men?

- Jesus, Bitch.
- Yeah.

My name's Bitch.

Hi, Bitch.

- You are?
- Sofia.

Hey, sister. Sit down.
You're in the right place.

You're in the pussy palace.

So you're a sex therapist
but you've never had an orgasm?

Actually, I prefer the term
"couples counselor."

Have you ever been with a woman?

No. You know, I'm not sure
if I'm wired that way.

You know, Rob's the only person
I've ever been with.

- Whoa! Oh my God.
- You must have some major blue clit!

You ever do those P.C. muscle exercises?

You know, the P.C. muscle
that controls your pee.

So when you're peeing next time, just...

you know, squeeze it up and then let it go,
squeeze it up, let it go.

- That's good for your orgasms.
- I'm doing it right now.

Can you guys tell?

Can I ask you a question?

I want to know...

what did your very best orgasm feel like?

Welcome to Lifetime Television.
It's all about your pussies.

This is gonna sound really cheesy, but...

I felt like I was shooting out
creative energy into the world.

And it was merging
with other people's energy...

and then there was no war...
and there was peace.

- That's sweet.
- Wow.

Well, mine was definitely
with Little Prince.

We had this incredible connection.

We just like made it like really slow
and still- and I felt like...

I was finally not alone.

Mine felt kind of like I was
talking to the gods or something.

You know? They were-

- Shut the fuck up.
- Excuse me.

So, Sofia, if you've
never had an orgasm, then...

how does it feel, like,
for you to have sex?

Great. Yeah. Oh man.

Sex is really awesome. I love sex.

We all know that, right?
We all know that sex feels terrific.

That's great. Totally.

I love it. I love it a lot.
It's a great workout. Feels good.

And I love, you know, loving my husband.

It's just, there comes a point sometimes
where it just gets really...

a lot of pressure, and kind of "ugh."
It feels a little bit "ah."

Kind of like somebody's gonna kill me
and I just have to, you know...

smile and pretend to enjoy it.

You know, and that way I can survive.

Fuck, Severin!

Excuse me.

That was totally inappropriate!

- Don't mind her
- Freak.

But you know what's the most
wonderful thing about New York?

What?

It's where everyone
comes to get fucked. Really!

It's one of the last places where
people are still willing to bend over...

to let in the new.

And the old.

New Yorkers are...

permeable.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah.
Therefore, we're sane.

Consequently,
we're the target of the impermeable...

- and the insane.
- Yeah.

And of course, New York...

is where everyone comes to be forgiven.

What have you done wrong?

Tell me,

how have you sinned?

I'm sure it's nothing serious.

- How would you know?
- Well...

I'm... I'm sure you did your best.

But imagine if you grew up here like I did.

Home...

can be very unforgiving.

It's true.

People said...

I didn't do enough to help...

prevent the AIDS crisis because...

I was in the closet.

That's not true.

I did the best I could.

I was...

I was scared.

And...

impermeable.

Everybody knew so little then.

I know...

even less now.

Chip?

Hon?

No, I'm okay.

Who's that?

If he's wearing a blue shirt, it's me.

It's you.

I made that for him.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- That's Jamie there on the back.
- Oh my God!

Shut up, that's so cute!

How old are you guys?

- Seven.
- Six.

Somewhere around there.

I think I'm actually gonna go.

What?

- No.
- Yeah.

- No, it's okay. It's cool.
- Are you sure?

- No.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Hang out for awhile.
- Okay.

Come on.

How do I be a model?

- How do you be a model?
- How would I be a model?

"How do I be a model?"

A lot of it is instincts, to be honest.
But there are some basics.

The way I like to think
about it is like geometry.

Like lines and angles.

Boom.

Wow.

- I like that one.
- Boom.

That's perfect.
That's like an ad right there.

See, you got it.

Whatever, I hated it.
It totally sucks.

James.

Yeah?

Can you actually use your other hand?

'Cause I usually kind of
come at it from a different angle.

Sure.

How's that?

That's good.

Oh fuck!

That feels really good.

- I've got a face that seats five.
- What?

Huh?

Could you just say something?

Make more sounds.

I'm an albino!

I'm an albino!

I'm an albino!

Eat it, girl.

Oh, say can you see...

By the dawn's early light?

Oh, say does that star spangled...

Banner yet wave...

O'er the land of the free...

And the home...

Of the brave!

Is that the first time somebody sang
the National Anthem into your ass?

No.

Okay, rotate.

Carpet-burn.

Jamie, can I watch you fuck him?

I want you. Yes.

You. You. You.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. That's it.

Okay.

Oh yeah! Yeah!

Fuck!

- Rob!
- What?

It's too loud!

No, it's not.

- It is!
- It's not!

- It is! I can't concentrate!
- It's not too loud!

I'm looking for a job, okay?

What kind of a job? A hand job?

For Chrissakes,
turn that fucking music off!

And look at this place!

I just got the fucking
cleaners in here yesterday!

These are my dried cranberries!

You bought everything in this house!

Fuck you!

We agree to come from a place of love.

I feel your warm and loving hands.

And I feel worried that you think I'm ugly.

Because why else would you
be doing that on the computer?

I'm squeezing your
perfectly round shoulders...

and following it to your
clavicle and your collarbone...

to let you know that you're
incredibly attractive.

I think you're incredibly sexy.

I'm just... I'm just distracting myself.

I feel the sleeves of your t-shirt.

They're dry against my clammy hands.

Your skin is perfect.
I can never get this on a computer.

I guess I'm just blocked.

Totally. We're both blocked.

Oh God, that feels good.

- You like it?
- Yeah.

Shit, it's so crunchy up there, eh?

How about you unblock
these beautiful breasts?

Your pertinent nipples.

- Pertinent?
- They're very relevant.

Geez! I am not a cow!

I know you're not a cow, baby.

It felt that way.
It felt like I was a cow.

- Right. That's how you felt.
- You know what? Yes. I own that.

Can we try it again?

I'm feeling your strong biceps.

They are so tender and smooth.

Oh God, when you flex them,
they're just like breasts.

I feel the delicate wisps
of your receding hairline.

I'm not balding.

Yes you are, honey.
You are balding.

And I love your balding, virile head.

I feel really small.

That's because we are small.
We are so very small.

No!

I'm saying that I feel small.

I feel like I can't take up enough space.

I feel like my cock
isn't big enough for you.

This is your own issue,
and you have to own it...

because I am not a size queen.

I can't bring home any money.
I feel like I'm not contributing.

I love the fact that you deliver
Meals-On-Wheels. You're a volunteer.

It's beautiful.
Why would you... Why would you-

Bullshit.
I can't even give you an orgasm.

Yes you- many times you have.

Bullshit!

I think we can get over this.
We can. We can work this through.

We've been through a lot of stuff together.

I can't give you an orgasm!

Hello?

Hi. Is this Severin?

Yeah.

Hey, it's Sofia.

So, do you like, jerk off?

Of course I do.

What are you doing
with a cigarette in here?!

Please put that out.
This is a non-smoking environment.

That's totally absurd.
We're completely surrounded by water.

It's like a dream smoking environment.

You're going to kill us in here.

Feels good.

Thank you.

Well what about your husband?
Does he ever try to get you off?

This is not about Rob.

70% of all women
have trouble achieving orgasm.

70% of all men are assholes.

He's not an asshole.
He's a great guy.

If it wasn't for Rob,
I'd still be a bank teller.

He totally changed my life around.
He's my best friend.

Look, why is it so important
for you to have an orgasm anyway?

Why do you think?

I mean, it feels good
but it's not going to save your life.

I want to be welcomed into the secret
society of women. I was never a Brownie.

I haven't had an orgasm.

God, I want to be able to save my marriage!

What does it have to do
with your marriage?

It has a lot to do-

It has nothing to do with the other person.
Like, I can only come if it's my own hand.

But it has everything to do, because you
need two people to make love. And...

No you don't.

Have you even had a relationship?

So, were you like, abused as a child?

- No.
- Were you?

No! No, I...

I come from a very traditional
Chinese-Canadian family.

Oh wow, I love Chinese-Canadian food.
But what does that have to do with it?

Chinese families are very strict.

My mom was a disciplinarian,
and my father...

was... my father's a great guy.

- Did he touch you?
- No.

No, he didn't touch me.
He didn't touch anyone, ever.

- Oh I see. Negligence...
- He never liked touching...

Father wasn't there...
Can't feel anything between the legs.

You are so far behind
and you think you're first. God.

He was always there for me.

It's just... he was always there for me,
that was the problem.

He was always watching.
He was always watching me.

Watching you how?

You want me to say
he raped me without touching me?

Well, did he?

Did he?

You don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Submission versus domination,
black and white, it's not as simple.

Relationships are much more
complex than that.

Are you saying that I can't understand
your relationship with your father...

who "watched you"...

- because I am a dominatrix?
- Well, yes.

That's really funny, because you're a
sex therapist and you can't have an orgasm.

You should be... Where are you going?

I am not one of your clients
who pays to be dominated.

Please, Sofia, this is like
the best conversation I've had all year.

Let go of my arm, it's hurting me.

Please! I'm sorry, okay? I just...

Sometimes when I get uncomfortable,
I get mean.

You are not going to keep me keen
by treating me mean.

Look, I know I can help you
have an orgasm, and maybe...

you can help me have a real human
interaction with someone. You know?

Maybe we could meet here,
every week for an hour?

I'm in a crisis.

All right, every night this week
starting tomorrow.

You're sitting all by yourself.

And you look up, and there he is...

with his lunch tray.
What's his name again?

Phil. Phil Mudd.

Severin's not my real name.

What is your real name?

So Phil Mudd says...

"Is anyone sitting here?"
And you say...

"No one's ever sat here."

Okay, I'm going down.

Feel the thought first.
Then get on the bus.

Just whisper it to me.
Whisper it in my ear.

I can't do it.

Oh, Phil.
I want you to see his lunch tray.

He's got a carton of homogenized milk.

Pour that all over you.

Look at his Converse.
He markered them all up.

Okay, if you can't say it
then just simply write it down.

Feel the thought first.

Then get on the bus.

All right, you gotta pull the bus over.
All right? You're not riding safely.

Park.

Jennifer.

That's a lovely name.

Jennifer.

What's your last name?

Aniston?

Jennifer Aniston.

There's room for two in this world.

Good going. It's okay.
See, it's all right.

Good work today, Jennifer.

It's a remote-controlled vibrating egg.

What? Where'd you get this?

That's not important.

Okay, so here's the plan.

We'll mingle separately
to see what we can experience safely.

And once in a while I want you
to check in with me... with this.

Jesus Christ, Sofia.

I want you to have control.
So if you're feeling threatened...

or horny, or if you just want to
check in and say, Hey...

Buzz me. Okay?

Come on. it'll be fun.
It'll be hot.

- Come back, bitch.
- Okay.

- That's "Bumblebee Kisses."
- That's nice.

It's just like the sixties.
Only with less hope.

See anything you like?

Oh, jeez. That's a lot of stuff
that I'm seeing. It's incredible.

Oh! For a minute I thought
that man didn't have an arm.

So. How's the big O coming?

Oh, everybody's talking about it.

- Everybody here knows.
- Oh my God.

"That's the girl that can't have orgasms."

Oh yeah. Sitting over here in your corner
with your flower choking your throat.

I mean, sweetheart,
you've got to loosen up a little bit.

You have nice boobs.
You've got what it takes, sweetheart.

What's the hold up?

I think I have some sort of,
you know, clog...

in my neural pathway somewhere
between my brain and my clitoris.

That's disgusting.

- No. I'm serious-
- Don't think of it as a clog.

Think of it as some sort of
magical circuit board. A motherboard...

filled with desire that travels
all over the world. That touches you.

That touches me. That connects everybody.
You just have to find the right connection.

The right circuitry.

Look at all these people out there.

They're trying to find
the right connection.

And I personally expect a few
blown fuses before the night is over...

and maybe one of them will be yours.

Are you suggesting that Rob and I
aren't compatible sexually?

- Who the hell is Rob?
- My husband.

- Well, where is he right now?
- I don't know.

Well then, it's time to play.
You've got the whole world.

It's your playground.
What do you think it would take?

Maybe somebody who's just
starting to explore their sexuality.

- Somebody-
- Like a child?

No.

Not a child.

I'm not recommending it. I'm just asking.
I'm just trying to help you, dear.

- You're touching my thigh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay. I don't mind.

Hey.

Okay. What if I asked you...

if I could kiss you?

Well, I don't know. I mean,
I get really scared sometimes, but...

All right. If you want to.
Just real gently, though.

Okay.

Wow, that was fast!

- No, it's my husband.
- Oh.

He's trying to communicate with me.

Oh.

- I've never even been here before.
- Oh my God, that's so sad.

- Do you want a hug?
- I just wanna have a good time.

Can I see your leash for a second?
You fucking piece of shit.

Jesus, what do you have,
a cell phone in your twat?

No it's... he's got the remote control,
and it's this vibrating-

Okay, lady.
Well, you know, best of luck.

Thanks for everything.

As my dear departed friend
Lotus Weinstock used to say,

"I used to want to change the world.

Now I just want to leave
the room with a little dignity."

Excuse me while I crawl out of here.

That was fun.

Right?

- Are you guys hard?
- Hey!

I'm gonna go get something to drink.
I'll be right back.

Wow. it's so weird.

He's awesome.

Do you think that-?

What?

I don't know, I mean...

I've heard of three-way relationships,
but they're mostly in Berkeley.

What do you think?

I don't know. He's great. He's great.
And I think we're learning a lot, you know?

It's good. It's a good thing.

What?

- It's a good thing?
- Yeah.

What's a good thing?

- I just think-
- Do you hear yourself?

Do you even know
what you're saying any more?

'Cause I don't.

I'm sick of having to drag
every little thing out of you.

I mean, I know you get depressed,
but come on.

I'm trying.

Do you love me?

You don't love me any more.

Severin! Wait up. Wait!

How's it going?

Pretty great.

Have you had an orgasm?

No, but I made out with somebody.

- Who?
- Justin Bond!

He's a homosexual.

- Apparently not.
- Oh my God.

- Yeah.
- Well he's really cute.

Yeah, he is.

I saw Rob, by the way.

Yeah. What was he up to?

He was getting fucked up the ass.

- It was really intense.
- Oh my God.

Yeah.

I'm just kidding.

- You brat!
- No, seriously though, he was.

I should probably go find him.

What's wrong?

That fucking trust-fund muppet
Jesse is like...

the longest relationship I've ever had.

You deserve so much more
than that, Jennifer.

Thank you, but I can't respond
to that name yet.

I'm sorry.

I can't do it any more.

I just, like, wanna have like a house...

and, like, a cat that I can pet.
You know what I'm saying?

- I'm sorry.
- No, you shouldn't apologize.

I'm glad that you're
telling me these things.

I've been wanting
to hear you say these things.

I'm gonna save up all my money,
and then I'm just gonna make art...

for a year, you know. Nothing else.

I know you can do it.

But everything is so fucking expensive.

I mean, what if I can't afford
to live in New York any more?

Where would I go? Fresno?

It's okay.

It's okay.

Your skin is so soft.

Oh. Jesus.

It's Rob.

Hey, Rob.

Oh my God.

Oh, man.

Oh God.

Don't move.

Don't move!

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize.

Fuck.

It's just I'm like so sensitive.

I should find Rob.

You can tell me all about it tomorrow.

In the tank.

Actually I'm...

I can't make it tomorrow.
But I will give you a call.

I'll give you a call later this week.

Okay, make it clean this time.

Christ.

- Truth or dare?
- Truth.

Out of everyone here, who would you
want to make out with the most?

- No one.
- What?!

Buzzkill!

Okay, spin.

Dare.

You and Severin have to go in that closet.

You do whatever the fuck you want to her...

for five minutes, on me,
while we take a pee break.

Oh my God.

I'm not gonna make out with you, okay?

I'm James.

Severin.

What is that?

It's my film.

What is it about?

I have a hard time saying.

You showing it here tonight?

I don't know.

What are you guys doing in there?

I hate him.

It could be a lot worse.

At least he's cute.

That's pretty unusual.

What's pretty unusual?

I never had a john that cute.

You know how I got started?

How?

After watching 'My Own Private Idaho'.

I grew up in a small town
so I didn't know where to go, you know?

So I waited outside the theatre
where it was playing and...

and waited for somebody to come out.
That's where I met my first john.

So, it was a choice?

Yeah.

I loved it, actually.

I knew exactly what I was worth.

You know?

Exactly what I had to contribute.

What was like the most
you ever made on a date?

Well with cab fare, 389 dollars.

That's pretty good for a small town.

You're with that guy
who looks just like you, right?

Yeah.

He's cute.
He looks like a jellybean.

Yeah.

He's great, actually.

I've never let him fuck me.

I've never let anybody fuck me.

What are you guys doing in there?

You're an artist.

I suck.

Hey, me too.

Do you take that camera everywhere you go?

Yeah, something like that.

Are you okay?

Why are you crying?

I look back at things I wrote
when I was twelve years old.

And I'm still looking
for the same things now.

Time's up.

Hey. What are you doing?

I'm looking for my husband.

I just found mine.

Both of them.

I'm totally in love with them,
but together. Not so much separately.

I hope they know it's going to
have to be a monogamous relationship.

- Excuse me. Wait a minute.
- Or does that even happen?

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

- Who are you?
- Who the fuck are you?!

- I'm Sara. Sara Problem?
- You're not funny.

- I thought it was kind of funny.
- No, you're not!

- And you're a horrible therapist.
- Oh my G-

Listen to me, James and Jamie are perfect.
Just leave them alone.

I think you need to leave.

No, no! You're fucking with something very
pivotal to them and to me. Just walk away!

Fuck you!

- You motherfucker!
- What's the hell's the matter with you?

- Hey, hey, hey! Time out! Time out!
- No! He just threw a fucking drink on me!

Sorry.

Are you okay?

No, I've got an egg
vibrating between my legs.

- Jesus Christ!
- Rob!

Rob!

Relax!

Get away from her!

What the fuck is going on in here?

Hey. Are you okay?

You gave it away?

- I misplaced it.
- Hets.

- I know you're hurt.
- I am not hurt! I am... I am furious!

I totally honor your feelings,
but I want you to own them.

Shut up with your honoring your feelings.
And do not tell me what I own!

Because I know what I own,
you balding, impotent liar!

Right, sister!

All right, show's over.

We're going to be processing
in the next room.

Hey.

Fuck!

Out! Out of me! Out! Out!

Yes. I need an ambulance.

I'm at the Palestra Gym. It's 99-

Hello?

Who is this?

Oh.

Hey.

How are you?

Do I know you?

No.

Did you follow me?

Why would you want to do that to yourself?

James, yes I followed you to the gym.

Why?

Let's not talk about this on the phone.

What does your afternoon look like?

Hi. I'm calling to- I'm looking
for a friend. His last name is...

Baysden. B-A-Y...

What do you mean he checked himself out?

So, what do you want?

I want to be restrained,
but I don't want to totally lose control.

Good. 'Cause I can't be
bothered to tie you up.

Turn over and hold the headboard.
If you let go, I'll leave.

You never asked your wife to do this?

She wouldn't understand.

All right.

This one's for her.

And I told Brad, "I think...

you're confusing me
with someone who hurt you."

And he said, "No, Cheryl.

YOU'RE hurting me."

Right?

And that was-
that was an eye-opener for me.

And...

remember I brought up
my gastrointestinal problem?

When did you start watching me?

A couple years ago.

I work right out of here.
I proofread for a living. And...

I don't have cable.

I remember watching Jamie cut your hair.

It just seemed like fun.

And you were always my favorite
because you were sad.

Do you have a boyfriend?

Look, James, please.
You have to call Jamie. Okay?

Just call him.
You can use my phone.

Why won't he come home?

Wouldn't you want to go home?

What are you doing?

I don't understand.

What are you doing here?

Explain it to me, please.

First, you bring Ceth
into the relationship.

What's wrong with you?

I didn't want Jamie to be alone.

How long have you been planning this?

What, so you've been making
a suicide tape for the last six months?

I just wanted him to know
it wasn't his fault.

Jamie loves you.

You have so much.

I know.

I see it all around me.

But it stops at my skin.

I can't let it inside.

It's always been like that.

And it's always gonna be like that.

I can feel it in little moments with Jamie
because he loves me so hard.

He loves me as hard as
the people who treated me like shit.

I can't feel it.

Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't. Don't.
Don't, no! No!

Don't! Don't! Don't!

Don't you see I don't want to be this!

If that makes people uncomfortable...

then it makes us uncomfortable.
But at least it's truthful.

I don't want to lie any more.

Because that isn't who I am.
And that isn't who I'm trying to-

I don't think that's who
we're trying to be.

I have to get some sort of information...

because the patient that was there
checked himself out.

Ceth.

Are you sure?

You glad you followed me
out into the fucking cold?

Booked a date?
So you could feel something?

It's hard not to feel
anything in your life.

Feel it now, you little faggot?

Don't fucking look at me!

Do not fucking look at me!

Do not fucking look at me!

It's okay.

...assures us that everything possible
is being done to get the power back on...

and is advising calm which seems
unnecessary because there've been no...

reported incidents of looting
or violence of any kinai

So far no explanation
for what caused the grid failure...

I'm gonna get some food
and some batteries.

I'll be back in five minutes.

...No reason to believe this is
the result of terrorist acts.

This from Home Land Security..

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