Original subtitles

- Brenan, did you fart in here? - No.

- It stinks. - No... No...

- You got a stinky ass. - No, I don't.

You're a bad boy!

Fuck me!

Shit!

I feel so much better.

I went potty.

- Are we ready? - Yeah. I got everything loaded in.

- Kids are strapped together. - Good.

- Got a bottle of water for you. - Okay.

Honey, what is that on your face?

What?

That mark, is that a bruise?

I don't know. I don't know.

- Did someone hit you? - No.

No, nobody hit me.

Okay. So I'm crazy?

There's a bruise on your jaw. Who did this to you?

- Gene! - It's nobody.

Fine, I'll count to three. One.

Two.

Come on.

- All right, now... All right, that's okay. It's... - Two and a half.

Okay, Kenny Powers.

Kenny did this?

- Yeah. We were... - Are you being bullied?

No, we were singing and rapping and we were playing...

Doing a scene from Rocky and he knocked me out.

You were doing a scene from Rocky and he hit you?

For... As a joke, yeah.

No, I don't think so.

I'm gonna call April.

- No, no. Hey, no, no. - I can clear this up.

- Do not talk to April, okay? Hey! - I will talk to April if I want.

I will handle this.

- I'd love to see that. - I can, all right?

- Can you handle it, Gene? - Yes. Yes! I can handle it!

- Now will you just let it go? - Okay.

For now, I will let it go, all right? Let's go.

We have to stop at the gas station.

I'm all out of pads.

In most of nature, the alpha is the strongest of the pack,

a creature of immense strength, large in size, a leader from birth.

Hippos, bumblebees, Wayans brothers.

Most of the time, they just look to the biggest amongst them.

But not all alphas are born, children.

Some animals become great.

They use their mind, they form respect, they build alliances.

Your father has recently used this technique to stunning effect.

It is now your turn, my son.

Feed his desires.

Give Dakota this chicken chow mein.

There you go.

Don't be scared, Toby. No fear.

You are his master.

Toby, God damn it. He ain't gonna be able to reach that.

And that's not even feeding him. You're cock-teasing him.

It's the ultimate Sports Sesh Double Dog Challenge,

and right now it looks like it's come down to a two-man race

and now it's the breakfast of champions.

The apple pie whip cream followed by downing a can of beer.

Here comes Kenny Powers through the birth canal.

It looks like it's gonna be Jed Forney and Guy Young

in a dead heat around the baseball bat spin.

Powers is bidding up.

Jimmy Clay with a can of beer.

Now atop the balance beam...

And down goes Guy Young!

Jed Forney on his way to the pyramid.

Three steps to the top!

Two! One! He's there!

He reaches for the flag! He's won!

Grabs the orange flag!

- Jed Forney is winner of... - Nice work!

...the ultimate Sports Sesh Double Dog Challenge!

Good race, man!

We'll be back with more of Sports Sesh, right after this.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

- What the fuck were you thinking about? - I don't...

How you gonna beat Guy Young on his own show?

Fuck!

I'm so stupid!

Just an idiot!

You guys are hilarious.

Do you really think Guy Young's gonna be upset with you

'cause you beat him on a silly little obstacle course?

- You don't know Guy Young. - Excuse me.

I played baseball with the motherfucker. I think I know Guy Young.

- This ain't baseball. - That was a long time ago, Kenny.

Guy's the sorest loser there is.

He throws a damn fit.

Ask Dontel if you don't believe me.

An ex embittered employee. I'm sure he's a great judge of character.

Well, ask Rodney. He ain't no trash-talker. Tell him.

Tell him, Rodney.

He can be fucked up.

- Yup. - Come on, man.

You and I are show-mates, dude. I got your back.

- I'll make sure nobody fucks with you. - Thanks, Kenny.

That means a lot.

- KP! - Saved you a seat, homeboy.

KP has found his niche.

He is hysterical out there.

- They're loving you, my man. - Yeah, dog.

I'm loving my stage charisma.

Well, I like it, too. I like it, too.

I'm glad you're here, KP.

I don't want to sound weird, Guy,

but I mean, you're just fastly becoming my very best friend, dude.

I don't just throw that around.

You know, I had a very best friend.

He passed away suddenly. Overdose of cocaine.

He was all alone by himself in his apartment.

After my experiences with Shay-dog,

I never thought I'd have a very best friend like him again.

Best friends are very cool to be.

Fuckin' very best friends are fuckin' dope to be.

- What are you doing this weekend? - Me?

I need to check my PalmPilot, but I think I'm just chilling.

Yeah? I'm hosting a charity event.

It's the Dragon Boat Classic.

Ooh, Dragon Boat.

That sounds like that may be Asian in origin. Am I correct?

So it is.

So what do you say? You want to go into battle with me, KP? Huh?

You want to be on my road team?

Because of my martial arts training,

my muscles are attuned to excel at oriental activities.

- How much does it pay? - No, we don't get paid.

It's charity work, Kenny.

All you gotta do is pick the charity of your choice and we're good to go.

Look, I'm not gonna be crazy, all right?

I'll take this friendship slow, but you've really turned my life around.

The least I can do is join you in this charitable battle.

I love it!

Okay, come on!

Ten seconds to blast off.

It's gonna be so awesome.

Stevie.

This isn't playtime.

I'd love to discuss something with you ASAP.

I need you to find me a charity

that I can represent for this goddamn Dragon Boat shit I got going on.

Shut up!

- The fuck? - Sorry about my kids.

I just realized that I cannot control them.

Stevie, I need you to fucking focus up, all right?

I just need you to come up with a goddamn good cause

I can put my name on.

I need something fucking dope and I need it quick.

Now I know you got a one-track mind right now,

so don't be coming at me with some Save the Limp Dick Foundation.

That was what I was gonna say, "Save the Limp Dick."

Speaking of, I went to the dick doctor today,

and he said that my problem is 100% mental.

- So? That's a positive, right? - No! Obviously not!

Because if it was physical,

you could unclog a tube and then I could get back to everyday lovemaking.

Scientifically speaking,

what's probably going on here with the fucking downstairs business

is your boner muscles are looking at yourself in the mirror

and they're saying, "Jesus Christ!

"There's no way in hell that any woman is ever gonna fucking let me pump her."

That makes sense, Kenny.

I mean, you put zero to no effort into your personal appearance.

I mean, maybe try spending more than 6 bucks on a haircut, you know?

Buy shirts that aren't fucking plum colored.

You don't like plum?

Let the dick guide you, all right?

The dick knows what it wants to wear.

And right now, the dick wants to be a hunk.

New clothes, new wardrobe, new Stevie.

Mmm-hmm.

The dick wants to be a hunk.

Aw, yeah, that's right.

Look at you sexy motherfuckers.

Ooh, so sweaty, so raw, so real.

Oh, yeah, Dutch angles.

Rule of thirds up in here.

That's some Amores Perros right there, motherfucker.

I want you all to pretend that you're digging up the ancient city of El Dorado.

And once you find these jewels and treasures, it will save your entire village.

- Kenny! - Hey, wheelbarrow one!

Pretend like there's a chupacabra chasing your ass.

- There you go. Faster. - Baby...

Has Gene and Tel been weird to you at all?

No, just boring as usual.

I found out that they had spaghetti night without us on Wednesday.

How could they do that? I mean, we practically invented spaghetti night.

Viv let it slip.

I swear something's going on with them.

Well, you know, I didn't want to say anything,

but Gene has been fibbing like a motherfucker lately.

Like what?

Like making up lies about people's relationships.

Just kind of out of the blue with, like, nothing to base it on.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah, like, the other day,

he was coming to me talking about Tel,

saying how Tel's, like, been going online doing Chatroulette trying to get dick sucks.

- It's like, "Tel?" - What?

He, like, loves his wife, and he doesn't even know how to use Chatroulette.

That makes me just question, like, maybe Gene's not that happy in his own marriage.

Well, he's with Dixie.

- Gross, huh? - You know what?

I think that she was very judgey about my drinking at the water park.

Oh, my God.

- What? - I just figured it out.

What?

I bet, because you were drinking, you probably somehow offended her,

and now she's trying to turn that shit against you,

isolate us out in the goddamn neighborhood and pull this!

I knew it. Fuck them?

- Fuck them! - Yeah.

Look at all the wonderful things happen for us.

We're rich as fuck, we got a goddamn army of workers here.

- We're happier than we've ever been, right? - Mmm-hmm.

You see this one right here?

You see that little brooch on Titi's neck there?

That used to belong to your great-grandmother.

I used it as an incentive yesterday for the workers to see who could do the best work,

and he won.

Titi dug the most.

- I'm thinking I probably get it. - No, you could do it.

- If I get enough loft, I get it over that bunker. - No, no, that's...

If you can do the bounce.

What's the word, Mean Gene?

How's that jaw feeling, slugger?

You didn't punch me that hard, so it doesn't hurt that bad.

Fucking pussy.

Look, I know shit got out of hand the other night.

We all got a little crazy.

Drugs, sex, incest.

All right, let's just relive the whole evening, Tel.

I was there, motherfucker, all right?

I know what happened. And guess what?

I also saw some suspicious and provocative behaviors on your half, too,

and I can talk about those if I wanted to.

What are you talking about, man? We didn't do anything.

Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying, dude, and neither did I.

No one did anything.

- So let's just drop it. - Fine. Good.

I know you and Dixie been having little spaghetti nights and not inviting us.

Yeah, so what? I don't give a fuck, all right?

But you hurt April's feelings, and that shit don't fly with me.

Let's leave the spouses out of it.

- Do you hear me? - Okay.

- Leave the fucking spouses out of it! - All right, dude! Chill!

- Now you, Tel. - I'm sorry.

Got any fucking change?

- Where's your fucking change at? - Well, what...

I'm trying to get a pink lemonade in this motherfucker.

- Chill out. - Give me your money. You guys have change?

No, I got no money on me.

I'll fucking deport you back to Mexico City.

How will you guys play golf without a fucking ball?

Come on.

I never have been so disgusted by two men's behavior.

Leave the spouses out of it, you fucking bullies.

Which clubs are yours, Gene? These red ones?

Yeah, those are mine. That's my TaylorMades.

Sweet.

Hey!

God damn, dude.

Why are you taking me onto the set of City of God, man?

This place isn't gentrified for a reason.

Hold on. I think you're gonna like this.

I better like it. The Dragon Boat race is almost here.

It's right here. Check it out.

What the hell is this? All these kids have AIDS or something?

No, they're poor.

You keep them off the hood by teaching them baseball.

Little black kids playing sports isn't a hot button issue.

No one's gonna give a fuck about this at the Dragon Boat race.

Man, I'm going up against some heavy hitters, dude.

AIDS, fucking rain forest, cystic fibrosis.

Don't underestimate the cause. It's got a lot of potential.

Who knows? One of these kids could be the next Babe Ruth.

Well, I wanted the next Rock Hudson or Liberace.

Jesus Christ, Guy Young has AIDS!

Why can't I get AIDS? I want fucking AIDS!

Look, AIDS is harder to get than you think.

Every celebrity with a butthole wants AIDS, but this is not the 1980s.

You can't just sit on a toilet seat and get AIDS.

This, though, everyone loves poor black kids.

Diff'rent Strokes, Dangerous Minds, Urkel.

White guilt, man. Get with the program.

No, I know. Box office returns on Blind Side were huge.

I'm highly disappointed in your efforts here, but I will make it work.

Sorry! I hate when I disappoint you, Kenny.

I'm just all torn up about my fucking dick and balls.

Well, homes, look, man,

it's gonna take more than one polo shirt to change your confidence, all right?

Dude, you're being very nerdy with your clothes picking.

No wonder your dick's not getting hard, dude.

It probably can't even breathe in there.

Polyester pleats? You fucking jackass.

I'm sorry I failed you.

The only thing that would make me happy is if all these kids had AIDS.

And to think,

you were sweating spaghetti and meatballs with Gene and Dixie

and now look at your fine ass.

- This is upper class. This is the elite. - Okay.

We need to make sure that they realize that we are one of them.

I need your linguistics to be on point.

Talk about finances, talk about ancient affairs, industrialism.

I need you to be the fucking Bill Reilly with tits in there.

- Okay. - Okay?

Do you have a napkin on you?

Step forward.

Now you're ready to sizzle.

Let's be elite.

Hello, everybody.

- He looks like fucking Neo, doesn't he? - He does.

It's fuckin' cool.

It has been said that the Dragon Boat racers of old were so competitive

that they would strike each other with bamboo in order to drown each other

for the sole purpose of claiming victory for the mighty dragon deity.

I, along with many of my dear friends here...

I see Kenny P. in the house.

- Hey. - Hello.

We're honored to be manning this beautiful vessel for our respective charities,

mine being Guy's AIDS.

- What's yours again, KP? - Just little black kids.

Little black kids.

And now, let's officially get the festivities started.

Priest Shen-Quan.

Did I say that correctly?

Shen-Quan will be conducting the awakening of the dragon.

- The bell's for symbolisms. - Oh.

What he said.

Let's party.

- April, what a pleasure. - It's so flattering.

You're so beautiful.

- Thank you. - She's gorgeous.

April, what do you say us girls go get a drink?

- Okay. - Leave these two to it.

Yes.

Okay.

Wow.

She is stunning, Kenny.

- How'd you land somebody like that? - I fucked with her head for a while.

- It never fails. - I love it.

Yours is pretty ravishing as well. She looks like that lady from Transformers.

I met her in a bathroom stall.

- Really? - Yeah.

I guess we're both a couple of cocksmen, huh?

Hell, yeah.

- Holla. - Hey!

- Holla! - Hey. Oh!

- There he is! - Oh, boy.

Look who's coming. My goodness.

Salt and pepper's here!

- How you doing? - How are you, buddy?

- Good, good. - Good to see you.

- Word. - Good to see you.

- Hi. - Cheryl, how are you?

Hey, my wife here brought her famous peach cobbler.

- I know about that. - Yes, I did.

I told you last time we met I'd bring you some.

I remember, Cheryl, and I'm looking forward to that cobbler.

Why don't you go put it over there by the other baked confections

and I'm gonna dive into it a little later.

- I'll be there in a second. - Wonderful to see you, baby.

Well, you know, I told her

I'd take her down by the water and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

If I get lucky, she might drop a digit in my bunghole.

- You're talking ass play? Oh, man, boy! - Butthole!

If we're in the water, don't even bother.

That means something's happening.

- Go get 'em, tiger. - Get after it!

Jed Forney. Ugh, God!

What? Forney's all right.

No, he's not, man.

Motherfucking guy's lame and he's dull and he's an ass kiss,

and his wife brings in cobbler?

Like, I got Sweet Lady Jane flown in from LA, you know?

- I'm not gonna eat that bullshit cobbler. - No, I know.

I mean, it's, like, in Tupperware. It's got... The presentation is obviously not up to snuff.

- She reminds me of my little brother. - What does that mean?

His wife, man, looks like a boy

with her little short hair and no tits and the flat ass and little boy legs and short little...

Like a... Boy fingers and...

Like a little Dennis the Menace.

It's disgusting, man.

I don't even want to think about them having sex.

All right, I'm gonna have to hobnob with some of the big donors.

- Sure. - I'll catch you later, dude.

All right? Champion.

- Thank you for coming. - Mos def, mos def!

Champion.

Kemosabe. You're showing brain.

Your scrotum and some of your testicles are leaking out of your diaper there.

Hello, everyone,

and welcome to Kenny Powers' Extra Innings After School Baseball Class!

And now, here is Kenny Powers!

Word.

Fresh.

- Dope. - Paper.

Jams.

Badonkadonks.

Straight talk.

That's what we're here for today, you guys.

I know what you guys are thinking.

"Who the hell this cracker think he is, walking up in here, this hookey motherfucker?"

Well, don't be thinking that kind of stuff, guys.

Don't be racist.

'Cause this cracker-ass hookey motherfucker,

from this day forward, is now the face of you guys.

I've chosen to battle on your behalf in the celebrity charity Dragon Boat race.

There's gonna be other causes that, frankly, are way more interesting than you guys.

Things like Lyme's disease and cleft palates in war-torn countries and rain forests.

Breast cancer for teens.

But don't let that scare you,

'cause I'm gonna make a promise to each and every one of you that when I go out there,

I will win.

- Believe dat! - Steven, I got this, okay?

I'm here to amend for the atrocities of my ancestors.

You think I'm proud to come from a fucking powdered-wig, wooden-teeth motherfucker?

Fuck, George Washington didn't do shit!

He can suck my fucking dick. I fucking hate that faggot.

That's street talk, y'all.

I hope you all can get where we're coming from.

We're keeping this real!

So look, I'm looking around this fucking baseball park and it sucks.

I get it, man.

There's a goddamn swamp in the outfield, there's a used tampon stuck to second base.

But now that I'm your leader, all that shit's about to change.

I'll crush those other charities of the Dragon Boat race,

and when I do, I will bring back that scrilla, that cash money, and I'll spend it here.

We'll get a goddamn brand new couch.

We're gonna change your lives, and I have a feeling that right now, the change has begun.

Hallelujah.

Get ready for victory.

You're with a champion now.

What are you, an audience or an oil painting?

- Respond, please! - Seriously?

Gene and Dixie are having guests over again. I don't get it!

What is their deal?

I have to go over there and see what the problem is.

- I do. - April, don't do it.

You're playing right into their hands.

This is the exact sort of reaction they're hoping for.

Well if they have an issue, Kenny, then they need to fucking spill it.

Yeah, they've ruffled your feathers, I know.

Will you please go with me?

You sure you don't want to just send a text or an email?

- No. That's not gonna work. - Just go over in person.

Kenny, I'm not playing around.

- There he is. Here he comes. - Here.

- Tel, cut the cheese. - There's the big guy.

Here's the platter.

Right.

- You sure it was at the airport? - Hi.

- Hey, Dixie. - Hello.

- Hi, everybody. This won't take long. - Sure.

How have your two dinner parties been in the last two weeks?

I've just... I've seen everybody come over here.

I don't think I got the invitation.

I think it got lost in spam.

I'm sorry, April. I don't know if this is a joke that you're doing.

- This isn't a joke. - It's very passive-aggressive.

This isn't a joke. I'm very angry with you.

- Well... - I'm very upset because I feel left out.

- Okay. - I've been a very good friend to you.

You're a very good friend, but my problem is...

- You know what? I know what it is. - What is that?

You were upset with me for getting drunk at the waterpark in front of the kids.

Yeah, um.

- That's not what I was upset about at all. - Okay, well then what's the problem?

My big problem is your husband.

Your husband punched my husband right in the face.

- Excuse me? - It's true.

He punched me. He hit me right in the mouth.

- Tall tales... That's a... - Please don't lie.

- That's tall tales. - What?

- He says a fabrication. - Ask your husband.

Yes, you did! You hit me in the mouth!

Don't sit here and say I punched you in the face...

- One at a time! - ...and sit here and lie about this!

- What has happened? - You punched me right in the mouth!

One at a time in this house!

- We speak one at a time. - Okay, fine.

Shut up, Gene. I'll talk.

God.

One at a time.

All right.

Some stuff happened at the Congo Canyon Waterpark

- that I haven't been 100% honest about. - Damn right.

After you guys went to bed,

the fellas and I were down at the bar and we were having some drinks.

We ran into some fans of mine, and they invited us up to their hotel room to party.

We got up there

and the party was definitely a little more intense than any of us had anticipated.

There were girls there.

And Gene had unprotected oral sex with one of the girls.

- What? - What?

- Gene... - It's true. Gene fucked a girl in her ass.

- That is a lie and you know it! - No, you did, Gene.

- I did not! - What?

- He... I came into the room... - Hold on. Hold on.

As soon as I did, I saw him. I said, "Gene, you're married."

- Punched him in his face because it upset me. - Come on.

- I didn't want to see that. - Are you fucking nuts, man?

I didn't have sex with anybody.

- Tel, can you back me up, please? - Yeah, absolutely.

Sit your fucking ass down right now.

Tel, you sat there and watched it fucking happen.

- Tel! - And you jerked off.

He sat there and let it happen and got off on it.

The worst thing you said that happened was the cocaine.

- What? - Cocaine?

- Well... - Cocaine is drugs!

I didn't do any cocaine, though. There was cocaine there.

- Yeah, right, Gene. - I don't know why I didn't...

- ...fucking tell me about! - Hey!

- Chill out! - Why didn't you tell me about it?

I didn't do anything!

Would you say something here, Kenny, please?

Coked out dick! Coke dick!

- What the fuck is wrong with you? - I didn't do anything!

Here's your fucking cheese, you rat.

- Eat it! - Fuck you.

I hate you!

- I hate you! - Dix!

I didn't do any drugs, Dix! Come on!

Dix!

This is the cost of lies, guys.

When we aren't faithful to the ones that we make promises to.

I think it's probably best if we just end spaghetti night now, okay?

Let's go. Tel, get up. Get the fuck out of here. Let's go.

- I love you so much. - I love you, too.

There we go!

Hey!

Kenny P., what's up, champion?

- Spicy! What's happening, baby? - KP, yes!

- How you feeling? - Wonderful, man. Wonderful.

All right. Soak it in.

There it is.

There's your ball field today. You ready to strike some motherfuckers out?

Yo!

Guy Young and Kenny Flowers.

What's up, Dontel?

Dontel, Dontel. How's the job hunt going?

Don't worry.

They still take food stamps here at the concession stand.

Hey, on the real tip, I want to apologize to you, Dontel.

I'm so sorry I ruined your whole entire fucking life.

Must be a tough break, kid!

- Burn! - No, no, no, no.

It ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

I mean, truth be told, man, I feel sorry for you,

having to work for this insecure backstabbing asshole.

I ain't telling you nothing you don't already know, right?

Look at you, man. Come on.

You're just obsessed with me.

- No, no, no. - You want to buttfuck me at the charity event?

Is that what you want?

Nah, you got it all wrong, bro.

See, I know why you cut me out, Guy.

Yeah, why is that?

Because you saw the beauty of my black ass coming for you.

But hey,

today's about the charities, about the kids, about AIDS, and about having a good time.

So we just gonna put a pin in that for now.

Peace, bitches.

Bye, Dontel.

You fucking loser.

All of you!

And that's why we're here, to show Dontel that he's a fucking loser,

'cause losers always forget.

Hell, yeah, they do.

Let's smash these fucking losers so hard their charities don't get a goddamn dime.

Hey, hey, hey, Jed. Hold up for a second. Let me help you with that.

Thank you kindly there, Kenny.

- There you go, buddy. - You're a good man.

Guy, you look real comfortable stroking that black thang like that.

A little like Dontel in your hand.

On your mark.

Get set.

Get in your positions!

- The Dragon Boat Charity Challenge is on! - Come on, let's go!

Come on, now!

Come on!

Dragon Boat number one off to an early lead.

- Let's go! Move it! - Keep it together!

Dragon Boat number two is slowly catching up.

Come on!

- Push it, guys! Faster! - Move in front!

Push it! Push it!

- Go! - Move!

Dragon Boat number two picking up speed!

Dragon Boat number two catching up to Dragon Boat number one!

What the fuck? Come on, Forney!

- You're slowing us down! - I'm doing my best, Guy!

Dragon Boat number two catching up!

- Bye, Guy! - Neck and neck now!

Goddamn it, Forney! Stay in rhythm!

You biscuits-and-gravy-eating motherfucker!

I'm trying, Guy!

- I thought you were a racer? - I am!

You're gonna make us lose!

KP!

- What? - Get him out of the boat!

- What? - Get Forney out of the boat!

- Are you fucking kidding? - Get him out of the boat right now!

- He's dead weight! - No!

- Get him out of the fucking boat! - Come on, Kenny. No, no!

Hey!

Dragon Boat number one threw a member out of the boat.

Dragon Boat number one is really faster now.

Yeah!

Go! Go!

It's Dragon Boat number one, for the win!

Suck our dick!

Suck it!

Look at that little duh-duh-doo.

- Forney almost blew it for us, huh? - Uh-huh.

You did good, Kenny, huh?

It feels nice to win.

Yeah, it feels great!

All right. Well, why don't you shower up 'cause we're going dancing tonight!

There we go.

Enemies can appear in our lives out of nowhere.

A stranger who cuts you off in traffic.

A dude who looks at you weird in the men's room.

Or treasured friends who betray you out of jealousy.

But when enemies do rise up, they must be dealt with decisively on animal instinct.

Are the kids in bed?

Sí.

Good.

'Cause the dick is back.

Ay, gracias a Dios.

Mortals falter.

Kings act.

And the mortal who acts...

Well, that motherfucker becomes king.