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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,042 --> 00:00:00,042 23.976 2 00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:07,341 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 3 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:27,027 That Cameron Diaz is hot. Did you check out the new F-150 yet? 4 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,529 Dude, it's huge. 5 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:32,282 I figure after the Laker game, I'll head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies. 6 00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,910 No way, man. There's no snatch there on Mondays. 7 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:38,121 - It's total sausage on week nights. - You guys see that Saxon got traded? 8 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,374 It sucks. The line's gonna be shit now. 9 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,667 Amen, girlfriend. 10 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:45,712 - What did I say? - We were doing so well. 11 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:48,799 There isn't a straight man who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend... 12 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,133 as "girlfriend." 13 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,177 But I was so butch when I said it. 14 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,430 Fine. I don't care that I lost. I hate games. Where's the check? 15 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:57,140 You should be proud to have lost. 16 00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,978 This whole exercise is an unabashed, demoralizing case of self-mockery. 17 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:04,022 This from the man that brought us, "There's no snatch there on Monday." 18 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,066 - That's different. - I agree. 19 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:09,152 If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men spent their time, he'd defect. 20 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,446 Larry Kramer can blow me, okay? 21 00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:12,823 This is fun. 22 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,117 Besides, that was 5 minutes and 32 seconds. 23 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:16,910 - Group record. - Meanwhile... 24 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,662 I was saying earlier-- 25 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,999 Could I have a double steroid mocha? 26 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,168 - I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag. - Gross. 27 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,628 Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause. 28 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:29,339 I hate this city. Everyone's better-looking than me. 29 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,426 - Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team. - I'm serious. 30 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:33,927 Fuck off. 31 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,929 It's from the three of us. 32 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:40,517 And you wrapped it in your pants. 33 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,561 That's very funny. 34 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,192 - "Love, Here I Am." - It's a joke. 35 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,653 You're the only one of us that never complains about not having a boyfriend. 36 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:55,032 Certain individuals less familiar with the real Dennis... 37 00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:58,285 might interpret that absence of desire to couple... 38 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,538 as a defense mechanism, a wall. 39 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:05,876 In which case, this text would serve you in overcoming your emotional blockage... 40 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:09,713 and opening yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship. 41 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,800 Okay, hint taken. Come on. Just get together. 42 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:16,386 I can't take a picture. I look terrible right now. 43 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,555 I really, honestly. Wait a minute. Look at this. 44 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,807 - Actually, this isn't bad. - Okay. 45 00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:24,144 Good. Light's good over there. Go. Come on, go. 46 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:29,441 All right. 47 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,780 Meanwhile-- 48 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,952 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 49 00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:43,247 Fact is, I don't know. Can't remember. 50 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,165 But what I do remember... 51 00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:48,919 what I can recall is the moment I first realized it was okay. 52 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:51,421 - "It was when I met these guys..." - Thank you. 53 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:52,923 my friends. 54 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:23,161 I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang. 55 00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:25,497 She's been your sister's girlfriend for five years. 56 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:28,000 Don't you think you two should get along? 57 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,424 Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me-- 58 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,176 I could kill you. 59 00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,761 You act like he'd never know we were checking him out. 60 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:42,514 He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you-- 61 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,516 a cart full of kitchenwares. 62 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,018 What planet are you living on? 63 00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:49,062 Not a person in this store wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second. 64 00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:51,356 - Keep telling yourself that. - You don't believe me? 65 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,984 Okay. I'm sorry, miss? Excuse me, miss? 66 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:56,361 Could you come here for just a second? 67 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,615 This man, you've never seen him before in your whole entire life, right? 68 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:03,118 Tell me, which is it: fag, not a fag? 69 00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:05,954 I'll have to say big fag. 70 00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:08,332 - The first thing I want to say, Larry-- - Lawrence. 71 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:11,710 - Remember my thing with that? - Right. 72 00:04:11,793 --> 00:04:14,171 Anyway, Lawrence, the last two weeks... 73 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,715 that we've been going out... 74 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:21,762 have been some of the best moments in my dating career. 75 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,847 We've laughed, we've learned... 76 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,225 we've tripped the light fantastic. 77 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,435 And yet, I just... 78 00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:32,231 feel like something's just not working. 79 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,692 What do you think, dear? 80 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:38,028 I'm not sure. Fold your arms. 81 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,909 Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie. 82 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,537 It's not you, okay? It's me. 83 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,373 I'm the broken piece, and you wanna know why? 84 00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:53,043 It's because deep down inside... 85 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,589 I'm a lonely person. 86 00:04:59,925 --> 00:05:02,135 Are you reading that off of your hand? 87 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,304 What? No. 88 00:05:05,556 --> 00:05:07,933 You are. You are totally reading a script. 89 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,394 It's just some notes. I wanted to make sure I said the right thing. 90 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,437 Oh, give me a fucking break. 91 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:16,108 The light fantastic? You don't even know what that is. 92 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,442 What? 93 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,070 Got an APB on a Caucasian male, brown hair and eyes... 94 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:22,072 160 pounds, 5-feet-11. 95 00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:25,993 Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male. 96 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,328 That's how I'd call you in myself. 97 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:33,166 You know, you are worse than all the muscle boys combined. 98 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,919 At least they don't presume to want a relationship. 99 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,589 I never said that I wanted a relationship. 100 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,175 - Then what did you want? - Something casual. 101 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:45,470 Linen sports jackets are casual. Swimwear is casual. 102 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,932 - Fucking somebody is not casual. - Okay. 103 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,517 While we're on the subject... 104 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,936 if certain rumors concerning your sexual proclivities... 105 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:56,190 start popping up around town, you'll know who started them. 106 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,775 Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy! 107 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,863 That is such bullshit! 108 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,936 Why do you bring them here, strumpet? 109 00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,979 I am not in the mood for one of your tirades. 110 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,149 As a person in a long-term relationship, I'm gonna let you know. 111 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,485 - What you do is sick. - Whatever. 112 00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:44,488 Number one, you work here. It's in poor taste. 113 00:06:44,530 --> 00:06:46,949 Number two, if you're gonna break up with somebody... 114 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,451 have the decency to provide them with better lighting. 115 00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:52,496 I heard that, ingrate. Oh, record time, Casanova. 116 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,957 You can start your shift early. 117 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,001 Roberto, what are you cutting those with, a chain saw? 118 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,046 This is bruschetta. You slice the tomatoes thinly. 119 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:05,133 Jack, that's Javier. Roberto is his brother. 120 00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:07,344 If he cuts those tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis if he wants. 121 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,388 As a person in a long-term relationship... 122 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,307 I don't see how you're ever gonna find happiness with one person... 123 00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,017 if you don't mend your ways. 124 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:17,563 Do you not start any sentences with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"? 125 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,565 It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart. 126 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,818 -It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity. -Hey, guys. 127 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,403 - Thank God. - You're late. 128 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,197 Sorry, but, you know, it is my birthday. 129 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,533 Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar. Go to work. 130 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,910 Saw your prey on the curb. Nice work. 131 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,413 Last time I use an audition monologue to break up with somebody. 132 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,582 You coming to the party,Jack? 133 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:40,002 I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep 'em warm. 134 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,004 You didn't. Jack! 135 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,006 I couldn't let you have a birthday without giving you... 136 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,842 at least a little bit of my superior taste and talent. 137 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,678 And in addition to which, look what I got today. 138 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:51,180 The Broken Hearts jerseys. 139 00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:54,016 I will be signing up interested parties all night. 140 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,852 Please, I'm begging you, no softball team this year. 141 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,354 No softball team this year. No softball team this year. 142 00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:02,566 Are you crazy? You know what kind of P.R. this is for the restaurant? 143 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:06,069 It can't be that good. We lost every single game we played last year. 144 00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,197 Two of those teams only had four people. 145 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:11,450 Nobody's forcing you two to play, but remember who pays your bills. 146 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:21,627 Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar, your people have come to take you home. 147 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,380 Good evening, Patrick. It's your brother! 148 00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:27,758 I'll be right there. 149 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:30,135 What is it with lesbians and candles? 150 00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:34,223 I just got home from the office, and I'm not in the mood for your shit. 151 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,309 So... 152 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,769 what's the gift? 153 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:41,146 It's a housewarming present for Anne. 154 00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:42,731 Two months late. 155 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,151 Looks like a coffeemaker. 156 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:49,154 Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise. 157 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:51,156 Oh, we already have a coffeemaker. 158 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,659 I've seen your old one. This one is way better. 159 00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,662 We got rid of that one. She didn't tell you? 160 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,830 We have a new Webb 3000. 161 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,333 - You already have a Webb 3000? - Don't worry, sweetie. 162 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,545 It won't be the first time she's returned one of your gifts. 163 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:10,217 So Anne tells me you're jealous of her vibrator. 164 00:09:11,510 --> 00:09:12,761 How do I look? 165 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:15,681 - Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel? - That's clever. 166 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,058 - You sure you don't want to come? - No, thank you. 167 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:20,811 - He said it's gonna be mixed. - The last time he said that... 168 00:09:20,853 --> 00:09:24,022 there were 60 men, 3 women and a parrot... 169 00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:26,191 and the parrot was getting more attention than the women. 170 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,735 That parrot knew the words to "Material Girl." 171 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,237 Shall we? 172 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:46,044 Do you have to do that in here? We are two blocks from the house! 173 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,046 Parties make me nervous. 174 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,924 - I'm relaxing. - Can you relax legally? 175 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:53,677 - What if we get pulled over? - What are the police gonna do? 176 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,430 For starters, the whole arresting thing. 177 00:09:57,890 --> 00:10:01,018 If we don't go home together tonight, you'll understand. 178 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,687 - Let's not do this thing. - What whole thing? 179 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,857 This eleventh-hour breakup routine. It's really demoralizing me. 180 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,193 I'm not breaking up anything here... 181 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:12,279 because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago. 182 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,156 Yet we're still sleeping together. 183 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,575 We sleep together because we got a fucked-up friendship... 184 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,035 not because we're boyfriends. 185 00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,412 - I don't want to talk about this. - You never wanna talk. 186 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:24,750 You just want to smoke pot, watch the fucking Cartoon Network. 187 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:28,378 What's to talk about? We're ex-boyfriends who still screw around. 188 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,172 I want more. You don't. 189 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,757 I hang on because I love you. 190 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,511 I wait desperately for the day you calm down, wake up... 191 00:10:35,594 --> 00:10:37,721 and realize you love me. 192 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:42,351 You hang on because it's easy. 193 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:46,563 When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole. 194 00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:12,005 Okay, wait. Hold on. First television crush. 195 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,007 Oh, easy. John-Boy Walton. 196 00:11:14,091 --> 00:11:17,135 Yes, honey, I always wanted to be the last one to say good night to him. 197 00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:20,472 - No, that mole. - Mine is Matthew Laborteaux. 198 00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:22,808 - Who's that? - Albert from "Little House." 199 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:25,269 Wait a minute. It was the morphine addiction episode, wasn't it? 200 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:28,355 - How did you know? - 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys. 201 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:32,109 The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker. 202 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,152 Why should I keep this mirror? 203 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:38,031 See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream. 204 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:39,950 Right. 205 00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:43,036 I'm gonna get a drink. Do you wanna hang here or-- 206 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,454 Definitely. 207 00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:46,456 I mean, you know, whatever. 208 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:51,003 So how do you and Benji know each other? 209 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,046 We fold jeans at Structure. 210 00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:55,507 Okay, my first television crush: Aquaman. 211 00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:57,968 Aquaman? Are you kidding me? 212 00:11:58,010 --> 00:12:00,971 No, you laugh, but he was a blond and he had a swimmer's build. 213 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:03,599 I don't like blondes though. 214 00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:06,810 - Swimmer's? - It was a lot of crap. 215 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,938 Listen, boys, I'm not leaving this party... 216 00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:12,149 until you sign up... 217 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:16,695 to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League... 218 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,488 the Broken Hearts! 219 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:21,950 So come on over here and sign up, guys. 220 00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:23,744 Free drinks for a signature! 221 00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:26,496 Oh, they'll all quit after we lose the first game. 222 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,751 - That looks good, actually. - Don't do that. 223 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,504 I have to let it set for at least-- Gosh. 224 00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,506 - Guess who's outside. - Who? 225 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:37,883 J. Crew guy from New Year's. 226 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,511 - No shit. At my party? - Yeah. 227 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,054 Come here. 228 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:48,060 Over there by the dining room table talking to a bunch of his friends. 229 00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:50,062 There he is. Oh, my God. 230 00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:52,064 Shut the door. 231 00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:55,067 It's your birthday star shining on you. 232 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,654 We barely hooked up last time. He probably doesn't even remember me. 233 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:00,822 How 'bout you? Any luck with the coworker? 234 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:03,367 Who had a chance? Cole moved right in. 235 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,410 I just live with him. 236 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,705 It wouldn't have worked anyway. The guy's a total newbie. 237 00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:11,667 - Hasn't even told me he's gay yet. - No shit. You can pick 'em. 238 00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,253 I know. I can't help myself. 239 00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:18,549 They remind me how great it used to feel, you know. 240 00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:22,344 When you first come out, and every guy in the room is just-- 241 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,346 Possibility. 242 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:26,014 Yeah. 243 00:13:26,098 --> 00:13:29,518 Then you find out we are the possibility. 244 00:13:32,396 --> 00:13:35,274 - Oh, damn. - What? 245 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,527 Much like a Zen master, you must struggle to find freshness... 246 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,737 in the mundane tasks of your world. 247 00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:43,282 That, of course, being the world of retail. 248 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,492 I totally understand what you mean. 249 00:13:45,576 --> 00:13:47,578 It's that book. He's unstoppable with the book. 250 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:49,037 What's the book? 251 00:13:49,121 --> 00:13:52,416 Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf. 252 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,210 One of Cole's ex told him he was without an opinion about anything... 253 00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:57,588 so he thought it'd be best if he went out and got some. 254 00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:00,215 Dumb, gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature... 255 00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:02,134 when competing in the pickup pool. 256 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,428 It's like bald people wearing hats. 257 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,264 It's deceiving. 258 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:10,976 - You open my gift yet? - No. Which one is it? 259 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,061 - Right there. - I didn't know that. 260 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:16,982 Where's Paul? He hasn't answered my pages all day. 261 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,195 Love, Here I Am. 262 00:14:21,278 --> 00:14:24,615 It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul. 263 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,658 - Thank you, sweetie. - You're welcome, baby. 264 00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:30,412 I'll just put that with my other two copies. 265 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,414 I was wondering if there's any more ice. 266 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,124 Ice. 267 00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:36,168 Yes, there is ice... 268 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,462 and I will go get it. 269 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,631 Hark! The party calls. 270 00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:46,970 From New Year's, right? 271 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:49,139 I wasn't sure you'd remember me. 272 00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:51,892 Well, I do. 273 00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:54,895 I really didn't come in here for this. 274 00:15:24,883 --> 00:15:26,844 That's my frosting. 275 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,098 Dan, you gotta come upstairs. It's Taylor. 276 00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,602 What's goin' on? 277 00:15:35,686 --> 00:15:37,604 You're kidding me. 278 00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,235 - What's happening? - Paul finally called Taylor back. 279 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:47,030 From Hawaii, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend. 280 00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,532 Oh, shit. 281 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,203 No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy. 282 00:15:53,245 --> 00:15:56,415 What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here in case of emergency? 283 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,584 - Howie, there's gotta be something. - I'm looking. 284 00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,961 - There's Celine Dion. - In hell! 285 00:16:01,712 --> 00:16:03,422 No. Okay, here. 286 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:05,340 "Beaches" soundtrack. 287 00:16:05,424 --> 00:16:08,093 Oh, thank God. Track four. 288 00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:09,970 I just heard. 289 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,139 I was left for another man. 290 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,976 And not just any other man, a trainer. 291 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,978 A trainer named Dash. 292 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,022 I was left for a punctuation mark. 293 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,149 We all knew this was gonna happen. 294 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,401 - Patrick. - Come on. 295 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,820 It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around. 296 00:16:26,904 --> 00:16:30,574 I tried to warn him before they moved in together, and he wouldn't listen. 297 00:16:30,616 --> 00:16:32,951 I'm in the room, asshole. 298 00:16:33,035 --> 00:16:35,537 Nice. That's what I get for being a friend. 299 00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,789 We obviously have two different interpretations of that word. 300 00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:39,082 What does that mean? 301 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,919 It means that when it comes to men... 302 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,255 you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. 303 00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:49,134 You can disguise it all you want under the guise of Patrick's good advice... 304 00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:51,637 but it ain't shit but a pin... 305 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,139 trying to pop all of our relationship balloons. 306 00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:59,811 Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people. 307 00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,981 But he said that we'd work things out. 308 00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,735 He promised we'd work things out. 309 00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,695 He lied. 310 00:17:08,779 --> 00:17:10,572 I'm sorry. You know what? 311 00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:13,534 This is the time of the evening where all the prettier boys hook up... 312 00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,953 so I'm just gonna leave now. 313 00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,540 - He hates me. - He'll get over it. 314 00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,961 The apartment was Paul's. 315 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,213 He wants me out by Friday. 316 00:17:26,296 --> 00:17:29,758 We have a guest room. 317 00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:31,844 You're more than welcome to it. 318 00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:36,014 - I couldn't. - It wouldn't be a problem. 319 00:17:36,098 --> 00:17:40,894 Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it. 320 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:44,231 Well, it's sort of sudden. 321 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:47,734 But... 322 00:17:49,319 --> 00:17:52,114 it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it... 323 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,574 then I guess I am. 324 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:56,994 Then it's settled. 325 00:18:00,622 --> 00:18:02,791 Dennis, Cole, I-- 326 00:18:02,875 --> 00:18:06,295 You'll never, ever know how much I appreciate this. 327 00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,299 I'm gonna need your strength now. 328 00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:16,305 See you guys. 329 00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:25,689 What happened? 330 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:28,233 Paul dumped Taylor. Taylor's a wreck. 331 00:18:30,861 --> 00:18:33,030 Party's gonna break up soon, if you want a ride. 332 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,490 Howie, no. 333 00:18:35,574 --> 00:18:38,118 You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni. 334 00:18:38,202 --> 00:18:39,453 My what? 335 00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:41,455 Your Rice-A-Roni. 336 00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:43,707 It's the ultimate '7 0s game show consolation prize... 337 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:46,001 the thing everybody went home with even if they lost. 338 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:48,462 It is not like that. 339 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,088 It's different. 340 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,882 Yeah. 341 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,425 Oh, my-- 342 00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:59,223 Oh, don't do that. 343 00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:01,683 Because you know that gets me worked up when you do that. 344 00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:03,227 Do what? 345 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,604 You take off your glasses. 346 00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,606 You rub your eyes. 347 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:09,608 And you're speechless. 348 00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:15,864 I still make you speechless? 349 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,705 - Where's your jacket? - It's in the car. 350 00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:25,207 Let's go. 351 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,969 Do you wanna talk about it? 352 00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,263 What's to talk about? 353 00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:42,558 Gay men in L.A. are a bunch of 10s looking for an 11. 354 00:19:42,641 --> 00:19:46,353 On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six. 355 00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:48,689 - That's not true. - It is. 356 00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:52,317 I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is. 357 00:19:52,401 --> 00:19:54,987 Patrick, maybe it's time you start hanging out... 358 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,197 with a different group of guys. 359 00:19:58,156 --> 00:20:00,993 They're the only ones that make it bearable. 360 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,079 Good night, Patrick. 361 00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:08,333 Oh,just before I forget, Leslie and I wanna have a baby... 362 00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:11,837 and since that's biologically impossible for us to do so without sperm... 363 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,756 and since your genes are close to mine, we thought we could borrow yours... 364 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,467 and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together... 365 00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:19,511 had I a penis. 366 00:20:19,553 --> 00:20:22,681 You wouldn't have to sleep with her. She'd be artificially inseminated. 367 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,184 So take your time, think about it. 368 00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:28,604 Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away... 369 00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:32,024 like within the next couple of ovulation cycles. 370 00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:34,109 So... 371 00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:36,111 talk to you tomorrow. 372 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:48,373 - You can drive away now. - Oh, okay. 373 00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,719 Go home. I'll get the rest. 374 00:21:02,346 --> 00:21:03,805 Come, you spirits... 375 00:21:03,889 --> 00:21:05,849 that tend on mortal thoughts. 376 00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:07,893 Unsex him here. 377 00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:10,270 Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room. 378 00:21:10,354 --> 00:21:12,606 No, of course not. It's getting late. 379 00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:15,817 It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience. 380 00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:18,779 - Ten, if I'm lucky. - Never, if you're really lucky. 381 00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:21,782 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door? 382 00:21:21,865 --> 00:21:25,160 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence? 383 00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:26,954 Good night,Jack. 384 00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:29,081 Happy birthday, Dennis. I love you. 385 00:21:31,959 --> 00:21:33,544 Don't get nervous. 386 00:21:33,627 --> 00:21:36,964 Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back. 387 00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:00,904 We should light a few more candles. 388 00:22:03,198 --> 00:22:04,908 I'm cool. 389 00:22:04,950 --> 00:22:08,745 Yeah, but we could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment. 390 00:22:29,057 --> 00:22:30,934 How 'bout-- 391 00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:33,520 How 'bout some music? 392 00:22:33,604 --> 00:22:35,022 - Sure. - Great. 393 00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:37,941 - Whatever. - Yeah. Great. 394 00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:40,277 You like the Carpenters? 395 00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:43,739 Play something else. 396 00:22:48,994 --> 00:22:52,873 You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic? 397 00:22:52,956 --> 00:22:54,291 - No. - None of it? 398 00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:56,835 Not "Close to You," "Rainy Days and Mondays." 399 00:22:56,877 --> 00:22:59,546 What about the one about Warren Beatty? 400 00:23:00,464 --> 00:23:03,884 "You're So Vain." That's Carly Simon. 401 00:23:03,967 --> 00:23:05,969 - You should go. - What? 402 00:23:06,053 --> 00:23:10,015 I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden, but I'm gonna go with this impulse. 403 00:23:10,057 --> 00:23:14,019 - Is this about the music? - No, it's not. It's about me. 404 00:23:14,061 --> 00:23:17,022 - I can't do this anymore. - We haven't done anything yet. 405 00:23:17,064 --> 00:23:19,566 I know what we're about to do, and I can't do it. 406 00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:21,026 - Sure, you can. - You're right. 407 00:23:21,109 --> 00:23:24,363 - I can, but I'm tired of it. - You're tired of sex? 408 00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:25,864 Yes. No. 409 00:23:27,491 --> 00:23:31,119 I'm tired of sex with people who care what I look like and make up the rest... 410 00:23:31,203 --> 00:23:33,163 and I'm tired of doing the same with them. 411 00:23:33,205 --> 00:23:36,416 I want something more... 412 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:37,793 something else. 413 00:23:37,876 --> 00:23:41,171 I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning. 414 00:23:41,213 --> 00:23:43,757 I keep forgetting your name... 415 00:23:43,841 --> 00:23:46,844 because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew guy." 416 00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:49,888 It's Ted. 417 00:23:52,057 --> 00:23:53,141 Well, Ted... 418 00:23:53,225 --> 00:23:55,185 I'm sorry. 419 00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:59,356 Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight. 420 00:24:37,603 --> 00:24:38,854 You scared me. 421 00:24:38,937 --> 00:24:41,899 It's my house. I'm allowed to do that. 422 00:24:41,982 --> 00:24:43,984 - Is Cole asleep? - Yeah, he's asleep. 423 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:47,613 There's nothin' in there. I checked. 424 00:24:49,781 --> 00:24:51,491 You should try the cake. 425 00:24:51,575 --> 00:24:54,953 The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good. 426 00:24:56,038 --> 00:24:59,082 This is not what I need tonight. 427 00:24:59,166 --> 00:25:02,377 - You are not what I need tonight. - What'd I say? 428 00:25:02,461 --> 00:25:05,964 I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday. 429 00:25:06,048 --> 00:25:08,717 It took me two hours, and I didn't even get to blow out the candles... 430 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,470 'cause my friend's relationship hit DEFCON 5. 431 00:25:11,553 --> 00:25:13,263 Bummer. 432 00:25:13,347 --> 00:25:17,726 Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with real validity. 433 00:25:17,809 --> 00:25:20,646 I plan on writing to the committee for an extension. 434 00:25:25,442 --> 00:25:27,236 Why write? 435 00:25:30,531 --> 00:25:33,534 Now you made the deadline. 436 00:25:44,002 --> 00:25:46,880 Come on. Make your wish. 437 00:25:59,518 --> 00:26:00,936 Thank you. 438 00:26:02,271 --> 00:26:03,564 Kevin. 439 00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:05,107 You must be "Ennis." 440 00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:06,733 That's Dennis. 441 00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:09,778 Somebody ate the " D." 442 00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:13,615 - Are these yours? - Yeah. 443 00:26:13,699 --> 00:26:16,285 I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom... 444 00:26:16,368 --> 00:26:19,037 so I figured you were a photographer or something. 445 00:26:20,122 --> 00:26:21,331 Or somethin'. 446 00:26:22,791 --> 00:26:26,211 - I like this one. - That was my first class assignment. 447 00:26:26,295 --> 00:26:30,257 We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state. 448 00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:33,218 I had just come out of the closet, hadn't met any of my friends yet... 449 00:26:33,302 --> 00:26:36,513 but I was still feeling a sense of strength and independence. 450 00:26:37,806 --> 00:26:40,517 I think it looks lonely. 451 00:26:40,559 --> 00:26:41,935 You're Benji's friend? 452 00:26:42,811 --> 00:26:45,022 Oh, yeah. More sort of coworker... 453 00:26:45,063 --> 00:26:47,691 but I like him. 454 00:26:47,733 --> 00:26:49,776 - Apparently not enough. - What's that mean? 455 00:26:51,153 --> 00:26:54,740 Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight. 456 00:26:54,823 --> 00:26:58,827 You've been a hot topic of conversation since you joined the Structure family. 457 00:26:59,953 --> 00:27:01,914 What, he's been talking about me? 458 00:27:02,748 --> 00:27:05,959 Relax. It's just a crush. 459 00:27:06,043 --> 00:27:07,961 I mean, you should be flattered. 460 00:27:08,921 --> 00:27:12,508 By the next full moon, he'll have a new one. It's his way. 461 00:27:12,591 --> 00:27:14,718 I don't get you guys. 462 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,471 Is that all you do, sit around here and talk about men? 463 00:27:17,554 --> 00:27:20,098 Either that or we talk about men. 464 00:27:21,183 --> 00:27:22,643 Yeah, well... 465 00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:24,978 I think it's really gay. 466 00:27:27,397 --> 00:27:29,816 - You're not out, are you? - What? 467 00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:33,237 You're not just a newbie. You're not even out to anyone. 468 00:27:33,987 --> 00:27:36,573 - I don't think it's anyone's business. - It isn't. 469 00:27:36,615 --> 00:27:39,284 - I'm getting tired of being asked. - I can imagine. 470 00:27:39,368 --> 00:27:41,870 Why do I have to tell anyone anyway? 471 00:27:41,954 --> 00:27:45,123 Maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I haven't decided. 472 00:27:45,207 --> 00:27:47,584 Maybe I should say good night. 473 00:27:47,626 --> 00:27:49,753 Yeah. Good night. 474 00:27:55,968 --> 00:27:57,469 You're right. 475 00:27:57,553 --> 00:27:59,471 It looks lonely. 476 00:28:10,190 --> 00:28:13,235 I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing to happen to me. 477 00:28:13,318 --> 00:28:15,946 Clearly, without them, my life would be a lot less fun... 478 00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:17,990 but with them... 479 00:28:19,116 --> 00:28:22,619 I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own. 480 00:28:23,871 --> 00:28:26,915 Do you know what I'm talking about? 481 00:28:26,999 --> 00:28:30,210 Do you want to keep it short on top? 482 00:28:30,294 --> 00:28:31,712 Yeah. 483 00:28:33,839 --> 00:28:36,967 I know they're my friends. I just don't know if I can trust any of them. 484 00:28:37,050 --> 00:28:39,011 Especially when it comes to men. 485 00:28:39,052 --> 00:28:41,471 Every time I introduce someone, they're all over him. 486 00:28:41,555 --> 00:28:43,557 Watch your posture, all right? 487 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:44,975 Sorry. 488 00:28:45,017 --> 00:28:47,060 Take, for instance, the party the other night. 489 00:28:47,144 --> 00:28:49,980 Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawaii. 490 00:28:50,063 --> 00:28:52,649 Howie went home with Marshall again. 491 00:28:52,733 --> 00:28:55,903 Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole. 492 00:28:55,986 --> 00:29:00,324 And my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. 493 00:29:00,365 --> 00:29:02,868 It's like one big gay soap opera. 494 00:29:02,910 --> 00:29:05,746 I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room... 495 00:29:05,829 --> 00:29:09,541 and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company. 496 00:29:09,625 --> 00:29:14,087 I was watching this documentary on cable about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia. 497 00:29:14,171 --> 00:29:18,008 Benji was telling me about this documentary he saw about monkeys-- 498 00:29:18,091 --> 00:29:18,759 In Somalia. 499 00:29:18,842 --> 00:29:22,554 They hang out with each other until mating season, and then just like that-- 500 00:29:22,638 --> 00:29:26,016 They attack each other. It's survival of the fittest. 501 00:29:26,099 --> 00:29:29,311 I thought to myself, that's our group. 502 00:29:29,394 --> 00:29:30,646 That's us. 503 00:29:30,729 --> 00:29:34,441 We're those monkeys, and I'm the monkey with the image problem. 504 00:29:34,525 --> 00:29:37,402 The only one who's unfaxed by anything is Cole. 505 00:29:37,486 --> 00:29:39,071 I mean,just look at him. 506 00:29:39,154 --> 00:29:41,573 He's gorgeous, completely straight-acting. 507 00:29:41,657 --> 00:29:43,992 He's the ultimate meanwhile, and he has no soul. 508 00:29:44,076 --> 00:29:46,328 My dad would sleep with Cole. 509 00:29:47,996 --> 00:29:51,917 If you asked me, Cole is precisely what's wrong with this group. 510 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,838 We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it. 511 00:29:55,921 --> 00:29:58,674 Actually, Howie would probably admit it. 512 00:29:58,757 --> 00:30:01,009 I wanna be Cole. Why can't I be Cole? 513 00:30:01,093 --> 00:30:03,011 Why can't God have made me Cole? 514 00:30:06,849 --> 00:30:08,767 My friends get a haircut with this. 515 00:30:08,851 --> 00:30:11,478 It's not like I wanna be Cole or anything. 516 00:30:11,562 --> 00:30:14,022 He just makes it all look so easy. 517 00:30:14,106 --> 00:30:17,901 I just wish it was, you know, that easy to let someone in. 518 00:30:17,985 --> 00:30:19,361 To get a boyfriend. 519 00:30:19,444 --> 00:30:21,113 To be beautiful. 520 00:30:23,365 --> 00:30:25,284 Thanks, Betty. 521 00:30:25,367 --> 00:30:27,870 You always know just what to say. 522 00:30:27,953 --> 00:30:29,371 It's a gift. 523 00:30:38,755 --> 00:30:40,841 Where is my living room? 524 00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:44,344 - I just shifted it around a little. - No, this is your living room. 525 00:30:44,428 --> 00:30:46,013 You didn't shift my living room around. 526 00:30:46,096 --> 00:30:48,056 You shifted my living room out and your living room in. 527 00:30:48,140 --> 00:30:50,225 So where is my living room? 528 00:30:50,309 --> 00:30:52,644 Distributed evenly around the house. 529 00:30:52,728 --> 00:30:54,938 - Distribute it back. - It took me all day. 530 00:30:55,022 --> 00:30:57,524 Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed. 531 00:30:57,608 --> 00:30:59,651 Okay, Dennis. Think of it this way. 532 00:30:59,735 --> 00:31:03,322 A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, right? 533 00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:06,783 You have to live with it for a few days before you know if you like it or not. 534 00:31:06,825 --> 00:31:08,785 That's not true. 535 00:31:08,827 --> 00:31:12,122 I haven't had a shag, but I don't have to live with one for a few days... 536 00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:14,166 to know that I don't want one. 537 00:31:16,543 --> 00:31:17,794 Thank God you're home. 538 00:31:17,878 --> 00:31:19,838 Thanks to Mufassa here, it's now a Tunisian hut. 539 00:31:19,922 --> 00:31:22,424 - Why do I even try? - I have amazing news. 540 00:31:22,508 --> 00:31:26,303 This casting director is bringing me in for this role in this Kip Rogers movie. 541 00:31:26,386 --> 00:31:29,139 - That's terrific. - Except I ran out of head shots. 542 00:31:29,223 --> 00:31:31,183 - You need me to make a head shot. - Bingo. 543 00:31:31,266 --> 00:31:33,477 - Go get your negatives. - I love you. 544 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,687 You are a fucking godsend. 545 00:31:35,771 --> 00:31:38,106 I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag. 546 00:31:38,190 --> 00:31:40,359 Kip Rogers is not gay. He's married. 547 00:31:40,442 --> 00:31:45,614 Please, that's right up there with, "He's not gay. He's in a fraternity." 548 00:31:52,037 --> 00:31:55,040 My agent thinks that I have a really good shot for this one. 549 00:31:55,082 --> 00:31:58,377 Says they're just looking for a face. 550 00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:01,046 Doesn't that bother you? 551 00:32:01,129 --> 00:32:04,883 - That people think I'm attractive? - That that's all they think. 552 00:32:04,967 --> 00:32:07,219 That's not necessarily true. 553 00:32:07,302 --> 00:32:10,055 When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role? 554 00:32:10,138 --> 00:32:13,016 It's always they want a look or face... 555 00:32:13,100 --> 00:32:14,518 or nice eyes. 556 00:32:14,601 --> 00:32:18,021 So what? Who gives a fuck? That's my way in. 557 00:32:18,063 --> 00:32:21,066 What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up. 558 00:32:22,150 --> 00:32:24,278 I guess. 559 00:32:25,404 --> 00:32:28,740 - So you like this Kevin kid? - He's nice enough, sure. 560 00:32:28,824 --> 00:32:31,118 That's how you feel about him? He's nice enough? 561 00:32:31,201 --> 00:32:33,161 Do I agree with his opinions on the Middle East? 562 00:32:33,245 --> 00:32:34,872 Forget I asked. 563 00:32:34,955 --> 00:32:37,916 It's been a week. Who knows what I feel? 564 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:41,336 I think if this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump-- 565 00:32:41,420 --> 00:32:44,464 - Another? - You don't have the best track record. 566 00:32:44,548 --> 00:32:47,551 - You're not taking home the gold. - This isn't about me. 567 00:32:47,634 --> 00:32:51,597 What is your excuse for not settling down with one of your scams? 568 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,682 You don't even call them back. 569 00:32:53,765 --> 00:32:56,393 At least I have the decency to date them for a little while. 570 00:32:56,435 --> 00:32:58,437 Which brings me to my point. 571 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,940 Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out? 572 00:33:03,108 --> 00:33:04,651 Because what if it does? 573 00:33:04,735 --> 00:33:06,695 A relationship can't be built on lust. 574 00:33:06,778 --> 00:33:11,408 No more than you can base a relationship off coffee and good conversation... 575 00:33:11,450 --> 00:33:14,119 but that works just fine for our first date. 576 00:33:16,955 --> 00:33:18,540 There it is. 577 00:33:19,499 --> 00:33:20,918 Well. 578 00:33:22,294 --> 00:33:24,505 Have you gained weight? 579 00:33:24,588 --> 00:33:26,298 What? Where? 580 00:33:27,716 --> 00:33:30,677 I can't help it. Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits. 581 00:33:30,761 --> 00:33:34,139 This awful panic that I'm gonna have to spend another evening alone. 582 00:33:34,223 --> 00:33:36,141 So I go over there. 583 00:33:36,225 --> 00:33:39,770 - That's called being horny. - It's not horny. 584 00:33:39,811 --> 00:33:41,271 I know horny. 585 00:33:41,313 --> 00:33:43,482 I've taken entire lecture series on horny. 586 00:33:43,565 --> 00:33:46,276 They have lecture series on horny? 587 00:33:46,318 --> 00:33:48,278 They don't call it that. 588 00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,031 You think I should paint my toenails again? 589 00:33:54,326 --> 00:33:56,995 Any time you hags wanna join the game. 590 00:33:57,079 --> 00:34:00,374 I hate the outfield. There's too much action. 591 00:34:04,670 --> 00:34:06,547 Where did my mitt go? 592 00:34:09,758 --> 00:34:13,470 Oh, say can you see 593 00:34:13,554 --> 00:34:15,973 How y'all doin'? 594 00:34:16,056 --> 00:34:19,017 You ready for this? You ready for this one? 595 00:34:19,059 --> 00:34:21,019 Attaboy, Taylor! 596 00:34:21,103 --> 00:34:23,647 With a monarch's voice, cry havoc... 597 00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:26,775 and let slip the dogs of war! 598 00:34:28,777 --> 00:34:29,695 Strike! 599 00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:38,161 Our first game of the season, and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen? 600 00:34:38,245 --> 00:34:42,332 Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction. 601 00:34:42,416 --> 00:34:43,959 Come on. Let's play. 602 00:34:44,751 --> 00:34:46,461 Look at that. 603 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:51,258 Strike two. 604 00:34:52,384 --> 00:34:55,470 You know, if he was smart, he'd hurl himself in front of the ball. 605 00:34:55,554 --> 00:34:58,265 - I tell you, it's the law of fractions. - You're insane. 606 00:34:58,348 --> 00:35:00,309 Howie thinks one of the other players is gay. 607 00:35:00,392 --> 00:35:03,103 It's a known scientific fact that one out of ten men is gay. 608 00:35:03,187 --> 00:35:05,689 Including the bench, they've got 1 1 players. You do the math. 609 00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:07,524 I dare you to share that with them. 610 00:35:10,152 --> 00:35:11,653 Thank you. 611 00:35:12,446 --> 00:35:14,489 Where's Cole? He's up after Will. 612 00:35:16,408 --> 00:35:17,951 I'll get him. 613 00:35:18,035 --> 00:35:19,953 Strike three! You're out! 614 00:35:20,037 --> 00:35:23,373 I don't understand why they don't just let me hit off the tee. 615 00:35:23,457 --> 00:35:25,375 Shut up, bitches. 616 00:35:36,762 --> 00:35:38,263 You're up in two. 617 00:35:40,015 --> 00:35:41,517 Thanks, Den. 618 00:35:52,361 --> 00:35:55,030 So you're still deciding if you're gay? 619 00:35:55,113 --> 00:35:59,493 I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's the only one with the shirt tucked in. 620 00:36:00,619 --> 00:36:02,037 Benj, hold these. 621 00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:05,165 Cole, if you had to pick a mole off the other team, who would it be? 622 00:36:06,708 --> 00:36:08,961 No problem. Catcher. 623 00:36:09,044 --> 00:36:10,712 Catcher? Yeah, right. 624 00:36:10,796 --> 00:36:13,799 The biggest meanwhile on the team is really gay? People think I'm crazy. 625 00:36:13,882 --> 00:36:15,592 The guy's a total breeder. 626 00:36:15,676 --> 00:36:18,637 First round at Jack's says I'm right. 627 00:36:21,557 --> 00:36:23,183 Who's the coach? 628 00:36:23,267 --> 00:36:26,854 That's Jack. Loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts. 629 00:36:26,937 --> 00:36:30,190 - Shakespeare fan, huh? - Classically trained. 630 00:36:30,274 --> 00:36:34,820 Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York. 631 00:36:34,903 --> 00:36:37,447 See that man? That's his partner of 20 years. 632 00:36:37,531 --> 00:36:39,533 Plays piano at the restaurant. 633 00:36:39,616 --> 00:36:41,243 Comes to all the games. 634 00:36:41,326 --> 00:36:43,829 We call him Purple Guy, for obvious reasons. 635 00:36:43,912 --> 00:36:45,330 Yeah. 636 00:36:46,456 --> 00:36:48,584 Wow. 637 00:36:53,797 --> 00:36:55,549 Hey, Mr. Catcher. 638 00:36:57,968 --> 00:36:59,469 You got a name? 639 00:36:59,553 --> 00:37:01,638 Sure. 640 00:37:01,722 --> 00:37:03,974 It's Low and Inside. 641 00:37:05,017 --> 00:37:06,810 Strike! 642 00:37:08,228 --> 00:37:11,315 - Thanks for the tip. - Next time listen to me. 643 00:37:12,608 --> 00:37:15,485 My friends and I have a little bet goin'... 644 00:37:15,527 --> 00:37:18,989 that one of you fire boys plays on our league, if you know what I mean. 645 00:37:19,072 --> 00:37:20,490 That's interesting. 646 00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:24,203 - Who'd you bet on? - You. 647 00:37:24,286 --> 00:37:25,746 Ball! 648 00:37:30,876 --> 00:37:32,252 So do I win? 649 00:37:34,254 --> 00:37:35,589 What tipped you off? 650 00:37:35,672 --> 00:37:40,344 I've been up to bat twice, and twice I've caught you staring at my ass. 651 00:37:41,428 --> 00:37:42,846 Ball. 652 00:37:51,146 --> 00:37:53,565 So what are the chances of me getting your number? 653 00:37:53,649 --> 00:37:55,943 Sorry. I'm seeing someone. 654 00:37:56,026 --> 00:37:57,110 So was I. 655 00:37:57,194 --> 00:37:59,154 Strike two! 656 00:37:59,238 --> 00:38:01,782 Two and two, batter. 657 00:38:01,865 --> 00:38:04,743 I missed that one on purpose so I could ask again. 658 00:38:05,619 --> 00:38:08,205 What are the chances of getting your number? 659 00:38:11,083 --> 00:38:13,418 About the chance of you hitting a home run. 660 00:38:20,717 --> 00:38:21,969 Yeah, go! 661 00:38:25,764 --> 00:38:27,850 Print neatly. 662 00:39:22,654 --> 00:39:25,032 - You ever talk to him? - Purple guy? 663 00:39:26,283 --> 00:39:29,953 I thought he said hi to me once. Turned out it was just a burp. 664 00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:35,959 I wonder what Jack sees in him. 665 00:39:36,043 --> 00:39:39,713 I don't know. Whatever it is, though, he couldn't be happier. 666 00:39:40,797 --> 00:39:44,134 The world's only prompt lesbians. 667 00:39:44,218 --> 00:39:47,095 Well, I'm off. 668 00:39:47,179 --> 00:39:49,806 - Wish me luck. - You're not gonna do it. 669 00:40:07,366 --> 00:40:08,367 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 670 00:40:08,367 --> 00:40:10,661 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 671 00:40:10,744 --> 00:40:12,663 See, that's the thing. 672 00:40:12,746 --> 00:40:16,416 That you would think there was actually something to break up... 673 00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:20,295 implies we were never really clear on what we had to begin with. 674 00:40:20,379 --> 00:40:22,673 That lack of clarity... 675 00:40:22,756 --> 00:40:24,174 well... 676 00:40:25,259 --> 00:40:26,760 frightens me. 677 00:40:30,639 --> 00:40:32,432 What? 678 00:40:32,516 --> 00:40:34,935 - What's up with them? - Cole's breaking up with him. 679 00:40:35,018 --> 00:40:37,896 In the course of six innings? What happened? 680 00:40:37,980 --> 00:40:41,275 He got the catcher's number. The fucker was right. 681 00:40:45,237 --> 00:40:47,447 - Where's Kevin? - He doesn't feel like coming. 682 00:40:47,531 --> 00:40:49,491 Obviously. 683 00:40:49,575 --> 00:40:51,869 - Something wrong here? -Jig's up, Mr. Man. 684 00:40:51,952 --> 00:40:54,413 We know all about this little Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'. 685 00:40:54,496 --> 00:40:56,665 We're here to shut that shit down. 686 00:40:56,748 --> 00:41:00,002 Relax, Tex. All I did is cool things off. 687 00:41:00,085 --> 00:41:02,504 Was that what you were doing behind the bleachers, cooling things off? 688 00:41:06,758 --> 00:41:09,469 - I had a change of heart. Shoot me. - You're so full of shit. 689 00:41:09,553 --> 00:41:12,514 I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately. 690 00:41:12,598 --> 00:41:17,227 You toss one scam out of bed, and suddenly you are St.-fuckin'-Gandhi. 691 00:41:20,647 --> 00:41:24,526 You know what I meant. Bottom line, that kid is a newbie. 692 00:41:24,610 --> 00:41:27,029 He can't even admit to being gay. 693 00:41:27,112 --> 00:41:30,032 What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend. 694 00:41:31,783 --> 00:41:33,160 Where you goin'? 695 00:41:33,243 --> 00:41:35,787 You're right. What he needs now are friends. 696 00:41:40,959 --> 00:41:43,754 - He wants to sleep with him. - Thank you. 697 00:41:49,176 --> 00:41:52,054 Hey, we're going to Jack's. It's one of our many losing traditions. 698 00:41:52,137 --> 00:41:54,181 -Just fuck off. - You should come. 699 00:41:54,264 --> 00:41:56,892 Everyone gets dumped first time around. 700 00:41:56,975 --> 00:41:59,978 It's the rule of all newbie relationships. 701 00:42:00,062 --> 00:42:03,315 What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends? 702 00:42:03,398 --> 00:42:05,400 You don't even know my friends. 703 00:42:05,484 --> 00:42:08,695 I know them well enough to know you're a bunch of bitter, jaded-- 704 00:42:08,779 --> 00:42:11,031 Fags? Go ahead and say it. 705 00:42:11,114 --> 00:42:13,158 - I wasn't going to say that. - You should. 706 00:42:13,242 --> 00:42:15,661 Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means. 707 00:42:18,914 --> 00:42:20,916 Why can't everything just slow down? 708 00:42:20,999 --> 00:42:24,920 I promise it will, but you can't go back now. 709 00:42:26,755 --> 00:42:29,341 At least go have a cup of coffee with me? 710 00:42:31,343 --> 00:42:33,720 - One condition. - What? 711 00:42:33,804 --> 00:42:35,722 West Hollywood's that way. 712 00:42:37,432 --> 00:42:41,270 Show me one thing you find interesting that way. 713 00:42:41,353 --> 00:42:44,189 - So you come here a lot? - You could say that. 714 00:42:45,357 --> 00:42:47,484 In fact, next to Karen Carpenter... 715 00:42:47,568 --> 00:42:49,945 this place is the closest thing to perfection I know. 716 00:42:50,028 --> 00:42:52,322 The Carpenters? Now, that I get. 717 00:42:52,364 --> 00:42:54,950 - You like the Carpenters? - Insanely. 718 00:42:55,033 --> 00:42:57,828 Here's to your first O.G.T. 719 00:42:57,911 --> 00:42:59,830 Obviously Gay Trait. 720 00:42:59,913 --> 00:43:03,333 Mine are love of the Carpenters, culinary interests... 721 00:43:03,375 --> 00:43:06,795 and intense fear of blood sports. 722 00:43:06,879 --> 00:43:10,382 I don't get it. Why be friends with a group of people just because you're gay? 723 00:43:10,465 --> 00:43:12,467 That's not why we're friends. 724 00:43:12,551 --> 00:43:16,346 It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends. 725 00:43:18,557 --> 00:43:21,018 - Doesn't that drive you crazy? - Of course. 726 00:43:21,059 --> 00:43:25,230 At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did. 727 00:43:25,314 --> 00:43:27,482 Only I wouldn't go for just a few months. I'd stay. 728 00:43:27,566 --> 00:43:31,862 I'd bring my camera, finally take my time developing a photographer's eye. 729 00:43:32,905 --> 00:43:34,865 Really find my voice. 730 00:43:36,408 --> 00:43:38,577 Then something happens. 731 00:43:38,660 --> 00:43:41,163 A birthday, summer parties... 732 00:43:41,246 --> 00:43:43,707 Christmas, great night of dancing. 733 00:43:43,749 --> 00:43:46,543 And I'm with them and... 734 00:43:46,585 --> 00:43:50,172 suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else. 735 00:43:50,255 --> 00:43:52,174 So I stay. 736 00:43:57,429 --> 00:43:59,723 Have you told anybody about what you're going through? 737 00:43:59,765 --> 00:44:01,725 - A few people. - Like? 738 00:44:03,227 --> 00:44:06,146 - My sister. - Ooh, that's worth at least ten points. 739 00:44:06,230 --> 00:44:09,691 Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home last Christmas, and she caught me. 740 00:44:09,775 --> 00:44:12,236 - With a guy? - No, alone. 741 00:44:12,277 --> 00:44:14,655 By myself, flying solo. 742 00:44:14,738 --> 00:44:17,032 Ouch. To what, gay porn? 743 00:44:17,115 --> 00:44:19,326 Oh, no. Worse than that. 744 00:44:19,409 --> 00:44:22,079 An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr. 745 00:44:22,162 --> 00:44:26,416 I thought my mom would be cooler. She was a '60s love child. 746 00:44:26,458 --> 00:44:29,545 In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends. 747 00:44:29,628 --> 00:44:32,381 All she said was, "I hope you didn't pay market for that." 748 00:44:32,464 --> 00:44:36,593 But when I told her I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month. 749 00:44:36,677 --> 00:44:38,512 - How is she now? - Better. 750 00:44:38,595 --> 00:44:41,265 Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays"... 751 00:44:41,306 --> 00:44:44,017 like they live on her block or somethin'. 752 00:44:44,101 --> 00:44:47,187 " Dennis, I see the gays had a parade. Did you go?" 753 00:44:48,689 --> 00:44:50,607 My dad would have been different. 754 00:44:50,691 --> 00:44:53,735 - You didn't tell him? - He died before I told anyone. 755 00:44:53,819 --> 00:44:56,196 My biggest regret: he died not knowing me. 756 00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:59,449 You can't say that. Maybe he didn't know-- 757 00:44:59,491 --> 00:45:01,535 He died not knowing me. 758 00:45:06,206 --> 00:45:08,584 We want your sperm. We're not asking you to move in. 759 00:45:08,667 --> 00:45:11,628 What about cousin Jeffrey? He's got our genes. He could donate. 760 00:45:11,670 --> 00:45:14,298 Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper and a card-carrying member of the NRA. 761 00:45:14,381 --> 00:45:16,967 He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in, Patrick. 762 00:45:17,050 --> 00:45:19,136 I'm sorry. My answer still stands. 763 00:45:19,219 --> 00:45:21,138 I told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off. 764 00:45:21,221 --> 00:45:23,307 Drug me and jerk-- Do you hear this? 765 00:45:23,390 --> 00:45:25,475 This is the woman that you want to become a mother with. 766 00:45:25,559 --> 00:45:28,020 - She's being serious. - Okay. 767 00:45:28,103 --> 00:45:30,397 You two want the truth? Here's the truth. 768 00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:34,693 You guys can't keep a plant alive. How are you gonna take care of a child? 769 00:45:34,776 --> 00:45:39,156 We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid will have to deal with. 770 00:45:40,699 --> 00:45:44,912 Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 , why is Mom #2's brother my father?" 771 00:45:44,995 --> 00:45:48,665 Look at the three of us. What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make? 772 00:45:48,707 --> 00:45:51,627 You know what? I don't have to listen to this. 773 00:45:51,710 --> 00:45:55,214 I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this. 774 00:45:55,297 --> 00:45:58,675 She had this funny idea that maybe if we did... 775 00:45:58,759 --> 00:46:02,804 you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life. 776 00:46:02,888 --> 00:46:04,806 But I can see that you'd rather not. 777 00:46:04,890 --> 00:46:07,809 That's fine with me. I'm going to get the car. 778 00:46:09,603 --> 00:46:12,814 Is that what this is about? Some sort of mission to save me? 779 00:46:16,568 --> 00:46:18,820 Patrick, when you came out... 780 00:46:18,904 --> 00:46:22,658 you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery. 781 00:46:24,785 --> 00:46:27,496 And I have never seen you more miserable. 782 00:46:37,673 --> 00:46:41,218 I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the evidence is rudimentary. 783 00:46:41,301 --> 00:46:43,470 There's not a single film in the cinema canon... 784 00:46:43,554 --> 00:46:46,849 that paints a portrait of a gay man that any of us would aspire to be. 785 00:46:46,932 --> 00:46:49,560 What are our options? Noble, suffering AI DS victims... 786 00:46:49,643 --> 00:46:52,855 the friends of noble, suffering AI DS victims... 787 00:46:52,938 --> 00:46:55,274 compulsive sex addicts, common street hustlers... 788 00:46:55,357 --> 00:46:57,901 and the most recent addition to the lot... 789 00:46:57,985 --> 00:47:00,153 stylish confidantes to lovelorn women. 790 00:47:00,237 --> 00:47:03,907 Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick... 791 00:47:03,949 --> 00:47:08,579 has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans. 792 00:47:08,662 --> 00:47:10,747 And that's someone you would aspire to be. 793 00:47:10,831 --> 00:47:12,749 At least they would be someone real. 794 00:47:12,833 --> 00:47:16,628 Can you imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends? 795 00:47:16,712 --> 00:47:19,548 Maybe then we wouldn't have to shamefully compare ourselves... 796 00:47:19,631 --> 00:47:22,217 to "Steel Magnolias." 797 00:47:22,301 --> 00:47:24,720 He is so Sally Fields. 798 00:47:24,803 --> 00:47:27,639 - I thought I was Sally Fields. - No, you're Shirley MacLaine. 799 00:47:29,808 --> 00:47:31,602 Which one am I? 800 00:47:31,685 --> 00:47:33,103 Julia Roberts. 801 00:47:34,563 --> 00:47:36,481 For your nerves, honey. 802 00:47:44,031 --> 00:47:46,491 What are you doing here? We agreed not to see each other in public. 803 00:47:46,575 --> 00:47:49,453 - I said it was too hard. - I didn't know you were gonna be here. 804 00:47:49,536 --> 00:47:51,914 We had a game today. We always come here after the game. 805 00:47:51,997 --> 00:47:54,833 - I'm telling you, I forgot. - Whatever. 806 00:47:56,502 --> 00:47:58,921 Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink. 807 00:48:00,005 --> 00:48:01,548 - I can't. - You can't? 808 00:48:01,632 --> 00:48:03,467 I'm trying to tell you that I can't. 809 00:48:03,550 --> 00:48:05,969 There are no tables available, so it might be a while. 810 00:48:06,053 --> 00:48:09,306 Oh, it's too busy here, so we should probably go to the movie anyway. 811 00:48:09,348 --> 00:48:10,807 Cool. 812 00:48:21,527 --> 00:48:24,404 I didn't see you out there. 813 00:48:24,488 --> 00:48:25,697 I came in the back. 814 00:48:25,781 --> 00:48:29,743 I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I faced the crowd. 815 00:48:29,826 --> 00:48:31,787 How'd it go with the girls? 816 00:48:33,539 --> 00:48:35,707 It went. 817 00:48:37,209 --> 00:48:39,461 I miss anything? 818 00:48:39,545 --> 00:48:41,547 Same old song. 819 00:48:41,630 --> 00:48:44,675 Howie was going on about gay cinema. 820 00:48:44,758 --> 00:48:47,594 Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. 821 00:48:47,678 --> 00:48:50,222 You'd have no identity. 822 00:48:50,305 --> 00:48:53,892 It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. 823 00:48:53,976 --> 00:48:56,812 You talk about it so much that sometimes you forget about... 824 00:48:56,895 --> 00:48:58,981 all the other things that you are. 825 00:49:00,232 --> 00:49:02,359 When I watch them, it feels so strange. 826 00:49:02,442 --> 00:49:05,070 It's like I'm not even a part of it. 827 00:49:05,153 --> 00:49:07,489 They're all so much more attractive than I am. 828 00:49:09,199 --> 00:49:11,118 No. You know what? 829 00:49:11,201 --> 00:49:13,203 I don't mind. Really, I don't. 830 00:49:13,287 --> 00:49:15,455 I kind of like being attractive by association. 831 00:49:15,539 --> 00:49:18,709 It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful. 832 00:49:20,377 --> 00:49:22,087 Help me put my dress on. 833 00:49:22,171 --> 00:49:25,299 Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight. 834 00:49:25,382 --> 00:49:27,342 It's Saturday. The crowd expects it. 835 00:49:27,426 --> 00:49:30,846 The madness has got to stop. You don't even like wearing women's clothes. 836 00:49:30,929 --> 00:49:31,847 So? 837 00:49:31,930 --> 00:49:34,308 So it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere. 838 00:49:34,391 --> 00:49:36,351 Big fuckin' deal. 839 00:49:36,435 --> 00:49:39,688 And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype. 840 00:49:39,771 --> 00:49:41,982 Again, big fucking deal. 841 00:49:42,065 --> 00:49:44,526 And your tits are always crooked. 842 00:49:45,277 --> 00:49:49,072 - No shit? Nobody ever told me that. - Well, they are. 843 00:49:49,114 --> 00:49:50,949 Here, come here. 844 00:50:00,209 --> 00:50:03,086 I've never felt a man up before. 845 00:50:03,128 --> 00:50:04,463 There. That's-- 846 00:50:04,546 --> 00:50:06,757 Okay. Zip me up, would you? 847 00:50:10,469 --> 00:50:12,596 Oh, okay. All right. 848 00:50:17,893 --> 00:50:20,854 Everybody can't be the same, Patrick. 849 00:50:20,938 --> 00:50:22,856 Everybody can't be straight. 850 00:50:22,940 --> 00:50:25,859 Everybody can't be beautiful. 851 00:50:25,943 --> 00:50:28,403 Some people are just gay and average. 852 00:50:33,283 --> 00:50:35,702 We're the strongest, I think. 853 00:50:54,137 --> 00:50:57,558 Hello, boys! Hello. 854 00:50:57,641 --> 00:51:02,396 I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to start two hours ago. 855 00:51:02,479 --> 00:51:06,692 But you know what they say? Better latent than never. 856 00:51:06,775 --> 00:51:09,820 So to start with, I'd like to do a little number... 857 00:51:09,903 --> 00:51:12,155 from my first platinum album... 858 00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,074 Color Me Jack. 859 00:51:16,535 --> 00:51:18,662 Hit it, honey. 860 00:51:20,539 --> 00:51:24,751 Shall we join the ladies Yes, do, let's join the ladies 861 00:51:24,835 --> 00:51:28,714 And make one great big lady 862 00:51:32,509 --> 00:51:35,012 You sure you don't want to come in? 863 00:51:35,095 --> 00:51:38,348 I do. I'm just not ready for it all yet. 864 00:51:38,432 --> 00:51:41,226 - I have the same number as Cole. - Don't worry. 865 00:51:41,310 --> 00:51:42,603 I'll call. 866 00:51:42,686 --> 00:51:44,104 Okay. 867 00:51:44,188 --> 00:51:45,314 Good night. 868 00:51:48,984 --> 00:51:50,402 Bye. 869 00:52:06,418 --> 00:52:10,255 Just checking a page. I'm betting it's the fireman. 870 00:52:10,339 --> 00:52:12,799 Which, incidentally, would be record time. 871 00:52:12,883 --> 00:52:16,136 Yeah, but I just wanted to apologize for earlier. 872 00:52:16,220 --> 00:52:19,348 - About Kevin. - Oh, hey, no problem. 873 00:52:21,225 --> 00:52:23,393 Holy shit. Holy shit. 874 00:52:23,477 --> 00:52:25,646 - What is it? - No way. It's my agent. 875 00:52:25,729 --> 00:52:27,814 What's he saying? 876 00:52:27,898 --> 00:52:31,193 I got the part. I got the part in the movie. 877 00:52:31,276 --> 00:52:33,570 - You're kidding me. - Oh, my God. 878 00:52:33,654 --> 00:52:36,698 I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix. 879 00:52:36,782 --> 00:52:38,867 Holy shit. I got the part in Kip Rogers' movie. 880 00:52:38,951 --> 00:52:41,537 - I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers. - This is incredible. 881 00:52:41,578 --> 00:52:43,080 No kidding. 882 00:52:43,121 --> 00:52:46,416 - It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ-- - I heard Kip Rogers was gay. 883 00:52:46,458 --> 00:52:48,252 He's not gay. He's married. 884 00:52:48,335 --> 00:52:50,546 I gotta tell the other guys. They're gonna freak. 885 00:52:54,299 --> 00:52:58,887 Hey, listen. Tell the other hags I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow. 886 00:52:58,971 --> 00:53:00,514 Where are you going? 887 00:53:00,597 --> 00:53:02,432 To my sister's. 888 00:53:02,516 --> 00:53:05,727 To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this whole baby thing. 889 00:53:05,811 --> 00:53:08,564 - What happened? - Nothing. 890 00:53:08,605 --> 00:53:12,442 Nothing ever happens. That's the whole point. 891 00:53:29,334 --> 00:53:32,504 You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here? 892 00:53:32,588 --> 00:53:35,716 I think that it's great that you're dating again. 893 00:53:37,176 --> 00:53:38,844 Yeah, it is. 894 00:53:38,927 --> 00:53:43,015 And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving. 895 00:53:45,434 --> 00:53:48,145 - I'm going inside now. - Wait. Come on. 896 00:53:48,187 --> 00:53:51,982 Let me just come inside, just for a minute. 897 00:53:52,065 --> 00:53:53,984 Until you get off? 898 00:53:54,067 --> 00:53:56,361 - That is not true. - No, no. 899 00:53:56,445 --> 00:53:58,363 You'll be kind enough to share your latest theory... 900 00:53:58,447 --> 00:54:01,283 on why Snagglepuss was the first openly gay cartoon character. 901 00:54:01,366 --> 00:54:06,288 You know, if memory serves, it's your post-coital hashish bonfires... 902 00:54:06,371 --> 00:54:10,125 - that sent me running. - That is such a convenient argument. 903 00:54:10,209 --> 00:54:12,586 My pot smoking is the source of all our problems? 904 00:54:12,669 --> 00:54:15,506 God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked-up relationship. 905 00:54:15,589 --> 00:54:18,926 I'm the one that studies relationships for a living. 906 00:54:19,009 --> 00:54:21,678 - Ours was quite normal. - Normal? 907 00:54:23,639 --> 00:54:27,518 When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom? 908 00:54:27,601 --> 00:54:31,063 Do you know Brian actually held my hand in public tonight? 909 00:54:31,146 --> 00:54:34,608 Do you know what that's like to be with someone who's not terrified to do that? 910 00:54:35,359 --> 00:54:40,072 You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issue-less existence. 911 00:54:40,155 --> 00:54:42,324 So that's what this is about. 912 00:54:43,700 --> 00:54:47,663 Brian's better-looking than you, so I matter again. 913 00:54:48,705 --> 00:54:51,625 But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now? Am I right? 914 00:54:56,922 --> 00:54:58,799 Thanks for not answering that. 915 00:55:02,886 --> 00:55:05,722 You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you... 916 00:55:05,764 --> 00:55:09,768 but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me. 917 00:55:20,529 --> 00:55:23,198 My ex is dating a print model. 918 00:55:23,282 --> 00:55:26,326 A blond, goy print model named Brian. 919 00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:28,912 Could that possibly hit on more of my issues? 920 00:55:28,996 --> 00:55:31,039 He could have a big penis. 921 00:55:31,123 --> 00:55:33,417 Which one of you hags suggested level eight? I'm dying. 922 00:55:33,458 --> 00:55:36,044 - Let's bring it down to seven. - Six, and I pick up lunch. 923 00:55:36,128 --> 00:55:38,130 It's a deal. Maybe he just wants to win you back. 924 00:55:38,213 --> 00:55:42,259 That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me, he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him. 925 00:55:42,342 --> 00:55:45,596 - Meanwhile-- - You have the oddest taste. 926 00:55:45,679 --> 00:55:47,181 - Sue me. - I don't understand. 927 00:55:47,264 --> 00:55:49,516 For months you've been guilty that you ended the relationship. 928 00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:52,978 - He's moved on and you sound worse. - Because my guilt I can control. 929 00:55:53,061 --> 00:55:56,481 It's my guilt. Jealousy is completely out of my hands. 930 00:55:56,565 --> 00:56:00,027 I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on? 931 00:56:00,110 --> 00:56:01,945 I don't know. I just know that it's over... 932 00:56:02,029 --> 00:56:04,448 and you won't catch me going through any mourning cycle. 933 00:56:04,531 --> 00:56:06,658 Speaking of which, I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week. 934 00:56:06,742 --> 00:56:09,620 He's been curled up on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies. 935 00:56:09,661 --> 00:56:12,331 When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me this sinister look and mutters... 936 00:56:12,414 --> 00:56:15,918 - "Phase five, phase five." - The revenge phase. 937 00:56:15,959 --> 00:56:18,587 If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house. 938 00:56:18,670 --> 00:56:22,090 Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, young Sigmund? 939 00:56:22,174 --> 00:56:24,510 Guys, is that the girl from "Young and the Restless?" 940 00:56:24,593 --> 00:56:26,303 I'm so over "Y&R." 941 00:56:26,386 --> 00:56:29,973 You're excited for him to call, but you don't want to sleep with him? 942 00:56:30,057 --> 00:56:32,226 Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't. 943 00:56:32,309 --> 00:56:34,853 - So you do want to sleep with him. - Why is it always about that? 944 00:56:34,937 --> 00:56:37,189 Don't you see what happens to us? 945 00:56:37,272 --> 00:56:40,984 We come out of the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game... 946 00:56:41,026 --> 00:56:43,487 and we become more bitter than we were in the closet. 947 00:56:43,529 --> 00:56:47,032 The only thing keeping us from complete despair are the friendships we develop. 948 00:56:47,115 --> 00:56:49,201 I just want him to see that before it's too late. 949 00:56:49,284 --> 00:56:52,663 Before he becomes jaded, like us. 950 00:56:52,704 --> 00:56:56,208 Interesting. What you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin. 951 00:56:56,291 --> 00:56:58,377 - It's classic projection. - You haven't answered my question. 952 00:56:58,460 --> 00:57:01,463 - No, I don't want to sleep with him. - Bullshit. 953 00:57:03,465 --> 00:57:06,176 - Benji's talking to Idaho guy. - Who's that? 954 00:57:06,218 --> 00:57:08,887 Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush. 955 00:57:08,971 --> 00:57:11,723 He's been strategically working out near him for weeks... 956 00:57:11,807 --> 00:57:13,725 in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice. 957 00:57:13,809 --> 00:57:17,187 Why do you call him Idaho Guy? 958 00:57:17,271 --> 00:57:20,274 I don't know. He just kind of looks like he's from Idaho. 959 00:57:20,357 --> 00:57:23,026 It's not really one of our better ones. 960 00:57:23,068 --> 00:57:24,403 I'm freaking out. 961 00:57:24,486 --> 00:57:28,198 I was in the middle of my squats and he comes over and just gives me these tips. 962 00:57:28,282 --> 00:57:31,702 Is that like fate or what? Maybe I should get his number. 963 00:57:31,785 --> 00:57:35,247 No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us. 964 00:57:35,330 --> 00:57:37,916 Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes. 965 00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:39,501 And cat tranquilizers. 966 00:57:39,585 --> 00:57:43,547 If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, codependent relationship... 967 00:57:43,630 --> 00:57:45,215 it won't be with a gym bunny. 968 00:57:45,299 --> 00:57:47,801 I don't care. I'm going back over there. 969 00:57:47,885 --> 00:57:52,181 Hi. I turned around and you were gone. I wanted to give you this. 970 00:57:53,599 --> 00:57:55,309 It's my number. 971 00:57:56,226 --> 00:57:58,896 Give me a call if you want. 972 00:58:00,647 --> 00:58:02,107 Yeah, definitely. 973 00:58:02,191 --> 00:58:04,109 That'll be cool. 974 00:58:27,925 --> 00:58:30,135 It's no improvement. 975 00:58:30,219 --> 00:58:32,596 I didn't pack a jacket. 976 00:58:32,679 --> 00:58:34,723 I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night. 977 00:58:34,806 --> 00:58:36,558 Should we call a doctor? 978 00:58:42,439 --> 00:58:45,817 He'll be all right.Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits. 979 00:58:49,446 --> 00:58:51,615 You know what? I almost forgot to tell you. 980 00:58:51,657 --> 00:58:53,867 That Kevin kid called while you were at the gym. 981 00:58:53,951 --> 00:58:56,411 - He did? - He said to call him back. 982 00:58:56,495 --> 00:58:59,373 Sounded kind of cold, though. I hope he doesn't still hate me. 983 00:58:59,456 --> 00:59:00,958 They never still hate you. 984 00:59:02,125 --> 00:59:04,837 It's funny, isn't it? I'd hate me. 985 00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:09,091 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you too. 986 00:59:09,132 --> 00:59:11,718 - Good luck. - Thank you very much. 987 00:59:31,113 --> 00:59:34,491 - "What is taking him so long?" - I don't know. 988 00:59:37,744 --> 00:59:40,205 It'll just be another minute more. I had to make a phone call. 989 00:59:40,289 --> 00:59:43,750 A phone call? I knew he was gonna pull some shit. 990 00:59:43,834 --> 00:59:46,336 - Patrick, what happened? - I couldn't do it. 991 00:59:46,420 --> 00:59:50,757 - I need material. - They don't have material? 992 00:59:50,841 --> 00:59:54,136 Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now. 993 00:59:55,429 --> 00:59:58,891 Oh, my God. It's embarrassing to even be seen in here. 994 00:59:58,974 --> 01:00:01,768 - Did you bring the stash? - You owe me so big for this, hag. 995 01:00:01,852 --> 01:00:04,354 You know my issues with buying porno. 996 01:00:07,983 --> 01:00:09,401 Hurry up! 997 01:00:18,869 --> 01:00:22,247 - Hey, sorry I'm late. - Oh, no, it's cool. 998 01:00:23,957 --> 01:00:25,876 Crank it. 999 01:00:39,348 --> 01:00:41,934 Call it crazy, but I have this theory. 1000 01:00:42,017 --> 01:00:44,436 Bear with me. 1001 01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,563 I believe that there are gay numbers. 1002 01:00:49,066 --> 01:00:51,276 - Gay numbers? - Yeah. 1003 01:00:51,360 --> 01:00:54,488 Have you ever given thought to the number 38? 1004 01:01:08,460 --> 01:01:11,296 I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective. 1005 01:01:11,380 --> 01:01:14,925 The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way. 1006 01:01:15,008 --> 01:01:18,178 Cut. That was perfect. Print. 1007 01:01:48,125 --> 01:01:50,836 I was so glad that Sharon set us up. 1008 01:01:50,919 --> 01:01:54,423 She mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved. 1009 01:01:55,757 --> 01:01:59,595 - I used to be. - Well, I know how that goes. 1010 01:01:59,636 --> 01:02:03,098 I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months. 1011 01:02:03,182 --> 01:02:06,727 Five months and he broke up with me. He broke up with me. 1012 01:02:06,810 --> 01:02:10,480 He said I talk too much. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've heard? 1013 01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:12,482 'Cause I'm all about listening. 1014 01:02:39,343 --> 01:02:42,888 I know what you're thinking. Why would a gay man wanna be a gyno? 1015 01:02:42,971 --> 01:02:45,849 I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina"... 1016 01:02:45,891 --> 01:02:48,185 let alone stare at them all day long. 1017 01:02:48,227 --> 01:02:51,230 But it never really bothered me. I mean, it's just a word, right? 1018 01:02:51,313 --> 01:02:53,815 Vagina, vagina, vagina. 1019 01:02:55,817 --> 01:02:57,819 It's just a word, right? 1020 01:02:57,861 --> 01:03:00,531 I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me, though. 1021 01:03:00,614 --> 01:03:02,074 Clitoris. 1022 01:03:15,003 --> 01:03:16,505 Why am I shaking? 1023 01:03:16,547 --> 01:03:18,674 It's your first gay club. You should be nervous. 1024 01:03:18,715 --> 01:03:21,260 If anybody attacks you, just tell them you're with me. 1025 01:03:21,343 --> 01:03:24,137 Nice to see you again. Things are better with the breakup, I take it? 1026 01:03:24,221 --> 01:03:25,848 - Breakup? - With Paul? 1027 01:03:25,889 --> 01:03:27,224 Paul who? 1028 01:03:27,307 --> 01:03:29,351 It's phase six. 1029 01:03:29,434 --> 01:03:31,979 It's denial. 1030 01:03:32,062 --> 01:03:33,146 Wow. 1031 01:03:49,496 --> 01:03:51,290 Oh, my God. 1032 01:03:51,373 --> 01:03:53,292 I've been looking for you guys all night. 1033 01:03:53,375 --> 01:03:56,336 - You want a drink? - No. I have water here somewhere. 1034 01:03:56,420 --> 01:03:59,047 - Where's Idaho Guy? - Where's this new boyfriend of yours? 1035 01:03:59,131 --> 01:04:00,716 Dance floor. 1036 01:04:00,757 --> 01:04:03,343 You guys, everybody's here. Come on. Come and dance. 1037 01:04:03,427 --> 01:04:06,096 Fly, young one. Fly like the wind. 1038 01:04:06,138 --> 01:04:08,098 Come on. Dance with your mama. 1039 01:04:09,892 --> 01:04:13,562 - So what do you think? Ecstasy? - I don't know. Probably K. 1040 01:04:13,604 --> 01:04:15,147 Should we talk to him? 1041 01:04:15,230 --> 01:04:17,482 They said, finishing their fourth shot. 1042 01:04:17,566 --> 01:04:19,776 We've all messed around with stuff and you know it. 1043 01:04:19,818 --> 01:04:21,904 He's just having a good time. Let's go dance. 1044 01:04:21,987 --> 01:04:24,656 Dance? We're here to attract men, remember? 1045 01:04:24,740 --> 01:04:26,825 Speak for yourself. This body wants to groove. 1046 01:04:26,909 --> 01:04:28,327 Come on. 1047 01:04:29,536 --> 01:04:32,080 Howie? Howie Mixner? 1048 01:04:32,164 --> 01:04:35,209 Barry. We had dinner a few weeks ago? 1049 01:05:31,682 --> 01:05:33,433 I got one. 1050 01:05:33,517 --> 01:05:37,396 Who would you kick out of bed? Morley Safer or Mike Wallace? 1051 01:05:37,479 --> 01:05:41,191 Okay, I believe this requires a daiquiri break. 1052 01:05:41,233 --> 01:05:44,069 - I'd say Safer. - Safer all the way. 1053 01:05:44,152 --> 01:05:47,948 But I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley circa 1 980. 1054 01:05:48,031 --> 01:05:51,451 I'd kick Wallace. He always annoyed me. 1055 01:05:51,535 --> 01:05:52,828 Who's got the 30? 1056 01:05:52,870 --> 01:05:56,915 - What are you doing outside? - I'm getting base. 1057 01:05:56,999 --> 01:06:00,127 It's July 4. You don't have a base yet? 1058 01:06:00,210 --> 01:06:02,254 Have you heard from the movie star yet? 1059 01:06:02,337 --> 01:06:04,464 He only called once all month. I missed it. 1060 01:06:04,548 --> 01:06:06,925 He's too busy getting shtupped by Kip Rogers. 1061 01:06:07,009 --> 01:06:08,927 When will you guys get over the fact that just because... 1062 01:06:09,011 --> 01:06:11,722 every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay... 1063 01:06:11,805 --> 01:06:13,891 that doesn't mean he is gay. 1064 01:06:13,974 --> 01:06:16,143 You know what? I should get going. 1065 01:06:16,226 --> 01:06:18,896 - You're not staying for the party? - I gotta make an appearance... 1066 01:06:18,937 --> 01:06:20,898 at my parent's barbecue. 1067 01:06:24,568 --> 01:06:26,320 - Have fun. - Bye. 1068 01:06:26,403 --> 01:06:28,864 - I've got another one. - Who would you kick out of bed? 1069 01:06:28,906 --> 01:06:30,908 The Grimace or the Hamburglar? 1070 01:06:30,991 --> 01:06:32,951 - Oh, my God. - What? 1071 01:06:33,035 --> 01:06:35,913 - That's a good one. - Homo say what? 1072 01:06:36,747 --> 01:06:38,498 Homo say bad party lighting. 1073 01:06:39,750 --> 01:06:41,210 Get out. 1074 01:06:45,214 --> 01:06:48,217 - Did you lock the door? - I don't remember. 1075 01:06:48,300 --> 01:06:50,969 Shit. One second! 1076 01:07:01,271 --> 01:07:02,523 Yeah? 1077 01:07:02,606 --> 01:07:04,775 - You're going to shoot in five. - Terrific. 1078 01:07:04,858 --> 01:07:08,779 - All right. Cappuccino? - No, no. No, thank you. 1079 01:07:08,820 --> 01:07:11,156 - I'll see you out there. - Okay. All right. 1080 01:07:20,749 --> 01:07:23,710 - That was close. - A little too close. 1081 01:07:27,798 --> 01:07:29,424 I have to cancel tonight. 1082 01:07:29,466 --> 01:07:32,469 My publicist wants me to do this "Access Hollywood" interview. 1083 01:07:32,553 --> 01:07:35,138 Today's my last day of shooting. I leave tomorrow. 1084 01:07:35,222 --> 01:07:38,308 - What would you like me to do? - Cancel it. 1085 01:07:38,392 --> 01:07:40,519 - Tell them you can't do it. - With what excuse? 1086 01:07:40,602 --> 01:07:44,064 "Sorry. I have dinner plans with the pretty boy extra I'm sleeping with." 1087 01:07:45,148 --> 01:07:48,026 - I'm not an extra. - That's not what I meant. 1088 01:07:48,110 --> 01:07:50,320 They have me shooting here for four weeks. 1089 01:07:50,404 --> 01:07:53,907 My part is integral to the plot. I have seven lines of dialogue. 1090 01:07:53,991 --> 01:07:57,035 - I'm not a fucking extra. - Okay, okay. 1091 01:07:57,119 --> 01:07:59,413 I'm sorry I called you an extra. 1092 01:08:01,331 --> 01:08:04,751 I'll make it up to you. I'll fly into L.A. this weekend. 1093 01:08:04,835 --> 01:08:07,713 We'll go somewhere discreet for dinner. 1094 01:08:07,796 --> 01:08:10,174 - All right? - Okay. 1095 01:08:11,550 --> 01:08:13,010 Good. 1096 01:08:15,512 --> 01:08:19,183 Wait about ten minutes. Make sure no one sees you before you leave. 1097 01:08:33,655 --> 01:08:36,825 Hey, having fun? Good. 1098 01:08:43,874 --> 01:08:46,460 Hey, there you are. 1099 01:08:46,543 --> 01:08:48,795 How you doing? 1100 01:08:50,380 --> 01:08:52,299 Everything all right? 1101 01:08:54,218 --> 01:08:56,845 What happened? 1102 01:09:00,724 --> 01:09:02,309 You told your parents. 1103 01:09:03,060 --> 01:09:04,436 Just kind of slipped out. 1104 01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:08,899 The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert... 1105 01:09:08,982 --> 01:09:12,402 and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie. 1106 01:09:13,487 --> 01:09:17,241 I said, "That's great. I love key lime pie, and I'm gay." 1107 01:09:18,575 --> 01:09:20,661 I bet she wishes she'd made apple pie. 1108 01:09:25,082 --> 01:09:26,625 They were great, Dennis. 1109 01:09:26,708 --> 01:09:30,420 And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them? 1110 01:09:30,504 --> 01:09:33,549 Why was I so scared to tell everyone? 1111 01:09:34,633 --> 01:09:38,262 - If I hadn't met you-- - Oh, I didn't do anything. 1112 01:10:25,142 --> 01:10:26,685 Morning. 1113 01:10:31,106 --> 01:10:33,692 We're gonna be late for the game. 1114 01:10:40,991 --> 01:10:45,704 Once more unto the breach, dear lads! Once more! 1115 01:10:49,041 --> 01:10:52,127 It's the height of irony, really. 1116 01:10:52,169 --> 01:10:55,297 Here we are, bottom of the ninth. Three men on. Two outs. 1117 01:10:55,339 --> 01:10:57,132 Our least able player stepping up to bat. 1118 01:10:57,174 --> 01:10:59,968 We're either one hit away from our first victory ever... 1119 01:11:00,010 --> 01:11:05,140 or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history. 1120 01:11:05,182 --> 01:11:07,643 If we could just get him to hit it to left field. 1121 01:11:07,684 --> 01:11:11,355 The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do. 1122 01:11:14,816 --> 01:11:17,569 Come on, Taylor. You can do it. Come on. 1123 01:11:35,712 --> 01:11:37,631 Attaboy! 1124 01:11:41,510 --> 01:11:44,054 Sweet are the uses of adversity. 1125 01:12:19,548 --> 01:12:22,634 "Sweet are the uses of adversity... 1126 01:12:22,718 --> 01:12:26,680 which, like the toad, ugly and venomous... 1127 01:12:26,763 --> 01:12:30,058 wears yet a precious jewel in his head. 1128 01:12:30,100 --> 01:12:32,644 And this is our life... 1129 01:12:32,728 --> 01:12:35,272 exempt from public haunt... 1130 01:12:35,355 --> 01:12:38,567 finds tongues and trees... 1131 01:12:38,609 --> 01:12:41,236 books in running brooks... 1132 01:12:41,320 --> 01:12:43,906 sermons in stones... 1133 01:12:43,989 --> 01:12:47,284 and good in everything." 1134 01:12:47,367 --> 01:12:49,745 Jack was a Shakespeare fan. 1135 01:12:49,786 --> 01:12:53,916 That passage from "As You Like It" was his favorite. 1136 01:12:53,957 --> 01:12:57,044 He would've wanted me to share it with you today. 1137 01:12:58,128 --> 01:13:01,590 Other than that, I'm not good with words. 1138 01:13:01,632 --> 01:13:02,799 That was Jack. 1139 01:13:07,346 --> 01:13:10,224 I'll just play something. 1140 01:13:10,307 --> 01:13:13,977 Hopefully, wherever Jack is... 1141 01:13:14,061 --> 01:13:16,271 he'll sing along. 1142 01:13:29,868 --> 01:13:31,828 That's what Jack saw in him. 1143 01:13:52,140 --> 01:13:54,977 - So where's Brian? - Getting the car. 1144 01:14:01,316 --> 01:14:03,235 You look terrific. 1145 01:14:06,446 --> 01:14:10,742 You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you. 1146 01:14:10,826 --> 01:14:13,662 I'm not just saying. 1147 01:14:15,205 --> 01:14:17,082 Thank you. 1148 01:14:19,585 --> 01:14:22,004 I quit smoking pot. 1149 01:14:22,045 --> 01:14:25,507 It's not 'cause we're not dating. No, it's not because of Brian. I just-- 1150 01:14:27,384 --> 01:14:29,761 It was just time. 1151 01:14:31,054 --> 01:14:34,933 It's weird how you can need something for so long and then just... 1152 01:14:35,017 --> 01:14:36,518 not need it anymore. 1153 01:14:36,560 --> 01:14:38,520 Just like that. 1154 01:14:54,912 --> 01:14:58,498 It's so weird, you know. It's like he's still here. 1155 01:14:59,249 --> 01:15:02,169 You're on something right now, aren't you? 1156 01:15:02,252 --> 01:15:06,173 - Excuse me? - You show up late. You look like shit. 1157 01:15:06,256 --> 01:15:09,092 - What did that boyfriend give you? - He didn't give me anything. 1158 01:15:09,134 --> 01:15:11,720 I look like shit because I've been crying for the last two days. 1159 01:15:11,803 --> 01:15:14,306 Unlike you, who has yet to shed a tear, you fucking asshole. 1160 01:15:14,389 --> 01:15:17,100 - He wants to make sure you're okay. - We all do. 1161 01:15:17,142 --> 01:15:19,478 That's crap. Since I've have a boyfriend none of you guys even call. 1162 01:15:19,561 --> 01:15:22,731 - You stopped calling us. - That is such bullshit. 1163 01:15:22,773 --> 01:15:26,193 Admit that you don't talk to me because I'm in a relationship and you're not. 1164 01:15:26,276 --> 01:15:28,529 You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks. 1165 01:15:28,612 --> 01:15:30,697 That hardly constitutes a relationship. 1166 01:15:30,781 --> 01:15:33,575 That is more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck. 1167 01:15:38,038 --> 01:15:40,457 His friends... 1168 01:15:40,541 --> 01:15:42,501 they're not like us. 1169 01:15:42,584 --> 01:15:46,213 When they go out, when they're together, they're happy. 1170 01:15:46,296 --> 01:15:48,757 We're always so miserable. 1171 01:15:48,799 --> 01:15:52,135 We make each other miserable. 1172 01:15:52,219 --> 01:15:54,638 Why? 1173 01:15:54,721 --> 01:15:56,890 Is it such a bad thing to be happy? 1174 01:15:56,974 --> 01:15:59,893 It is if you have to pay 30 bucks a tab for it, yeah. 1175 01:16:06,567 --> 01:16:09,611 - What did I miss? - You don't even wanna know. 1176 01:16:09,653 --> 01:16:13,282 Just spoke to Purple Guy. He said he'll meet us at the bar. 1177 01:16:13,323 --> 01:16:16,910 I can't go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film. 1178 01:16:16,994 --> 01:16:19,788 - Maybe I'll catch up after. - Yeah. 1179 01:16:21,498 --> 01:16:23,917 I'm not gonna go either. I'm gonna go home. 1180 01:16:24,001 --> 01:16:26,253 I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. 1181 01:16:37,598 --> 01:16:39,349 You should go with them. 1182 01:16:39,433 --> 01:16:41,685 I thought maybe we could talk about the other night. 1183 01:16:41,768 --> 01:16:45,898 - We haven't really discussed-- - Now's not a good time. 1184 01:16:45,981 --> 01:16:48,942 - Could you tell me when is? - I don't know. But not here, not now. 1185 01:16:49,860 --> 01:16:52,613 You've barely even looked at me since the other night. 1186 01:16:52,696 --> 01:16:54,406 You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral. 1187 01:16:54,489 --> 01:16:57,242 Hiding? Is that what you think I've been doing? 1188 01:16:57,326 --> 01:16:59,661 Can you even imagine whatJack meant to me? To us? 1189 01:16:59,703 --> 01:17:03,207 No, you can't. You can't know. 1190 01:17:03,290 --> 01:17:05,626 So don't tell me I've been hiding. 1191 01:17:05,709 --> 01:17:08,670 All we did was hook up. It's not that big a deal. 1192 01:17:08,712 --> 01:17:10,339 We can talk about it later. 1193 01:17:11,173 --> 01:17:14,676 You're right. It's not a big deal. 1194 01:17:14,760 --> 01:17:17,429 All we did was hook up. 1195 01:20:23,323 --> 01:20:25,242 Yeah, this is he. 1196 01:20:25,325 --> 01:20:26,743 What? 1197 01:20:28,078 --> 01:20:29,329 Jesus! 1198 01:20:32,207 --> 01:20:34,126 Benji Waters? 1199 01:21:02,988 --> 01:21:05,073 I just got the page. How is he? 1200 01:21:05,157 --> 01:21:07,659 They pumped his stomach. We're waiting for him to wake up. 1201 01:21:07,743 --> 01:21:10,871 - Can I see him? - Only one person at a time can go in. 1202 01:21:10,954 --> 01:21:12,956 - Patrick's in there right now. - How did this happen? 1203 01:21:13,040 --> 01:21:15,626 - How the fuck could this happen? - Isn't it obvious? 1204 01:21:16,502 --> 01:21:18,462 We weren't there. 1205 01:21:19,880 --> 01:21:23,342 Did you two come together? I think that's cute. 1206 01:21:25,594 --> 01:21:27,054 What is his problem? 1207 01:21:28,305 --> 01:21:30,933 Him and Kevin slept together last week. 1208 01:21:30,974 --> 01:21:34,603 You, Senor Disheveled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself. 1209 01:21:34,645 --> 01:21:37,648 - Are the clouds lifting? - You guys, I didn't know. 1210 01:21:37,731 --> 01:21:40,359 I've been away all month. Why didn't you tell me something? 1211 01:21:40,442 --> 01:21:42,736 - You could help me out. - It was a secret. 1212 01:21:43,487 --> 01:21:44,821 Terrific. 1213 01:21:44,905 --> 01:21:49,952 The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters. 1214 01:21:50,035 --> 01:21:51,453 Now I feel like shit. 1215 01:21:51,495 --> 01:21:55,249 I think that's a scientific impossibility. 1216 01:21:57,960 --> 01:22:00,379 - I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't be. 1217 01:22:00,462 --> 01:22:02,381 I slept with Cole to get back at you. 1218 01:22:02,464 --> 01:22:05,384 You did exactly what you're supposed to when you're 23 and just out the closet. 1219 01:22:05,467 --> 01:22:07,427 And you did it because I was an asshole. 1220 01:22:07,511 --> 01:22:09,513 It doesn't matter. I was wrong. 1221 01:22:09,596 --> 01:22:12,057 No, Kevin. I was wrong. 1222 01:22:12,140 --> 01:22:15,561 When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship. 1223 01:22:15,644 --> 01:22:18,981 And if there was anything I've been trying to change lately about myself... 1224 01:22:20,732 --> 01:22:22,734 well, that would be it. 1225 01:22:22,818 --> 01:22:25,028 So what, you're not attracted to me? 1226 01:22:25,112 --> 01:22:29,533 Or course I am. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles. 1227 01:22:35,539 --> 01:22:39,543 - You were the wish. - So what's the problem? 1228 01:22:41,545 --> 01:22:44,965 The problem is that I'm not ready for it. 1229 01:22:45,048 --> 01:22:47,676 I thought that... 1230 01:22:47,759 --> 01:22:51,054 all a relationship would take was meeting the right person... 1231 01:22:51,138 --> 01:22:53,265 but it's so much more than that. 1232 01:22:53,348 --> 01:22:55,309 Like what? 1233 01:22:55,392 --> 01:22:59,813 Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay. 1234 01:23:00,606 --> 01:23:03,192 - That's not true. - It is true. 1235 01:23:03,275 --> 01:23:06,236 And I'm okay with it. 1236 01:23:06,320 --> 01:23:10,407 I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do. 1237 01:23:13,535 --> 01:23:15,454 But I need to move on. 1238 01:23:15,537 --> 01:23:18,540 I need to make my life into something else... 1239 01:23:19,875 --> 01:23:24,004 instead of just my friends and the parties. 1240 01:23:24,087 --> 01:23:28,884 That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone. 1241 01:23:32,554 --> 01:23:34,598 Do you see that? 1242 01:23:37,226 --> 01:23:39,144 Tell me you see that. 1243 01:23:39,978 --> 01:23:42,022 Can't you move on with someone there? 1244 01:23:43,106 --> 01:23:46,193 Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do. 1245 01:24:08,799 --> 01:24:10,259 Hey, guys. 1246 01:24:10,300 --> 01:24:12,135 Hey, hag. 1247 01:24:12,219 --> 01:24:14,638 Why'd you go and do a thing like that for? 1248 01:24:14,721 --> 01:24:16,098 I'm sorry, guys. 1249 01:24:17,474 --> 01:24:20,602 - I'm sorry, Patrick. - Hey, I'm sorry too. 1250 01:24:23,564 --> 01:24:26,233 I am so Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's" right now. 1251 01:24:27,401 --> 01:24:30,195 You can be Demi Moore. Just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy. 1252 01:24:30,279 --> 01:24:34,616 - I get to be Mare Winningham. - Nobody's gonna fight you on that one. 1253 01:24:35,534 --> 01:24:38,453 - Which one do I get to be? - Rob Lowe. 1254 01:24:41,957 --> 01:24:44,334 'Cause you're just so damn cute. 1255 01:24:44,418 --> 01:24:46,336 You can't help yourself. 1256 01:25:00,893 --> 01:25:03,604 Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone. 1257 01:25:05,439 --> 01:25:07,357 Marshall, open up. 1258 01:25:11,862 --> 01:25:14,615 What the hell are you doing? 1259 01:25:14,698 --> 01:25:16,158 This. 1260 01:25:16,200 --> 01:25:20,537 - All right, that's it, asshole. - Brian. Please, get inside. 1261 01:25:26,376 --> 01:25:29,922 You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up. 1262 01:25:30,005 --> 01:25:33,383 You didn't wait long enough. 1263 01:25:33,425 --> 01:25:35,719 I've never been more awake than I am right now. 1264 01:25:36,929 --> 01:25:40,057 And I admit it. I fucked up. No matter who you were... 1265 01:25:40,140 --> 01:25:43,560 there would've been something wrong with you and someone better out there. 1266 01:25:45,020 --> 01:25:47,397 And I wish that I could change that. 1267 01:25:47,439 --> 01:25:51,151 I wish I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you. 1268 01:25:51,235 --> 01:25:53,779 But I'll tell you right now... 1269 01:25:53,862 --> 01:25:55,781 I loved you. 1270 01:25:57,533 --> 01:26:01,203 I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me. 1271 01:26:01,245 --> 01:26:03,997 It has nothing to do with how good-looking he is. 1272 01:26:04,081 --> 01:26:07,626 It has to do with you. 1273 01:26:07,709 --> 01:26:11,380 Because you are sweet, you're endearing and... 1274 01:26:12,673 --> 01:26:14,800 uncomplicated. 1275 01:26:14,883 --> 01:26:17,302 And you're so beautiful. 1276 01:26:17,386 --> 01:26:21,306 I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this... 1277 01:26:22,599 --> 01:26:26,144 works out and that he is everything that you need... 1278 01:26:26,228 --> 01:26:28,146 because you deserve it. 1279 01:26:28,230 --> 01:26:32,234 But if he's not and it ends, I'll be there. 1280 01:26:35,070 --> 01:26:38,115 It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough. 1281 01:27:02,347 --> 01:27:04,892 - "You really don't need to be here." - "Okay, I'm here..." 1282 01:27:04,975 --> 01:27:07,144 because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here... 1283 01:27:07,227 --> 01:27:10,355 and because the baby book said this is an emotional event. 1284 01:27:10,439 --> 01:27:13,483 And no matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody. 1285 01:27:13,567 --> 01:27:16,612 - Is this ready yet? - No. It takes a second to come through. 1286 01:27:16,653 --> 01:27:19,781 Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job? 1287 01:27:19,865 --> 01:27:23,368 - Why don't you bite me? - Why don't you suck my left tit? 1288 01:27:23,452 --> 01:27:25,495 - If I sucked tits-- - Excuse me. 1289 01:27:26,455 --> 01:27:28,749 It's ready now. 1290 01:27:32,503 --> 01:27:33,712 That's the baby. 1291 01:27:51,063 --> 01:27:54,358 Miss Thing, where have you been? I have a full restaurant. I'm a waiter short. 1292 01:27:54,441 --> 01:27:56,193 I was at the closing on my house. I'm sorry. 1293 01:27:56,276 --> 01:27:59,029 Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar. Get your apron on. 1294 01:27:59,071 --> 01:28:02,658 Question. How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch? 1295 01:28:02,741 --> 01:28:06,620 It's your last night, hag. So you don't have to worry about that now, do you? 1296 01:28:08,956 --> 01:28:11,416 Surprise! 1297 01:28:47,744 --> 01:28:50,706 I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles. 1298 01:28:50,747 --> 01:28:53,375 I know. They're from all of his house parties. 1299 01:28:53,417 --> 01:28:56,628 So, did Leslie tell you? We saw the baby. 1300 01:28:56,712 --> 01:29:02,050 Oh, that is so cool. So is it a Patricia or a Patrick,Jr.? 1301 01:29:02,092 --> 01:29:04,052 It's a Jack. 1302 01:29:05,262 --> 01:29:07,890 I'm an actor. I just shot this film with Kip Rogers. 1303 01:29:07,931 --> 01:29:10,517 Kip Rogers. Wow. 1304 01:29:10,601 --> 01:29:12,519 I hear he's gay. 1305 01:29:12,603 --> 01:29:14,813 No, he's not gay. He's married. 1306 01:29:14,897 --> 01:29:17,399 Okay, so check this shit out. 1307 01:29:17,482 --> 01:29:19,693 Paul called me. 1308 01:29:19,776 --> 01:29:23,071 He said he wants to talk. He said he misses me, but just as a friend. 1309 01:29:23,113 --> 01:29:25,616 This is a good thing. It allows you the perfect opportunity... 1310 01:29:25,699 --> 01:29:29,036 for the final phase of all relationships: reconciliation. 1311 01:29:29,119 --> 01:29:32,372 Try closure. I told that bitch to fuck off. 1312 01:29:32,456 --> 01:29:35,584 Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic on the 405. 1313 01:29:35,626 --> 01:29:40,172 I told you not to take the freeways. L.A. is all about the side streets. 1314 01:29:44,843 --> 01:29:47,262 It's for Europe. It's a carrying case for your camera. 1315 01:29:47,304 --> 01:29:49,389 Look, got your initials on it. 1316 01:29:54,728 --> 01:29:57,773 I saw that guy you came with. He's cute. 1317 01:29:57,856 --> 01:30:00,442 Whatever. We met at a club a few weeks ago. 1318 01:30:00,526 --> 01:30:02,861 - You know how it is. - Oh, yeah, I do. 1319 01:30:05,322 --> 01:30:06,615 I'll be back. 1320 01:30:07,616 --> 01:30:08,867 I'll be here. 1321 01:30:10,452 --> 01:30:12,746 - Okay, hag, you ready for your gift? - Excuse us. 1322 01:30:12,829 --> 01:30:16,583 - You didn't have to get me a gift. - We didn't get you anything. You did. 1323 01:30:16,667 --> 01:30:19,837 - It was nothing, really. - Gentlemen and very few ladies... 1324 01:30:19,920 --> 01:30:21,880 I am pleased to present... 1325 01:30:21,964 --> 01:30:24,883 the premiere photo gallery opening... 1326 01:30:24,967 --> 01:30:27,094 of budding photojournalist... 1327 01:30:27,177 --> 01:30:31,515 our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff. 1328 01:30:49,157 --> 01:30:53,328 - Where did you guys get these? - Taylor and I stole your negatives. 1329 01:30:53,370 --> 01:30:55,289 This one's out of focus. 1330 01:30:55,372 --> 01:30:57,708 After a few drinks, it'll look fine. 1331 01:30:58,709 --> 01:31:02,963 Taylor, get the pitchers. The drinking games are about to begin. 1332 01:31:03,046 --> 01:31:05,924 Let's play "Who Can Act Straight the Longest." 1333 01:31:17,686 --> 01:31:20,689 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 1334 01:31:20,731 --> 01:31:24,610 Fact is, I don't know. I can't remember. 1335 01:31:24,693 --> 01:31:27,196 But what I do remember, what I can recall... 1336 01:31:27,237 --> 01:31:30,240 is the moment I first realized it was okay. 1337 01:31:31,575 --> 01:31:34,244 It was when I met these guys... 1338 01:31:34,328 --> 01:31:36,371 my friends. 1339 01:31:57,684 --> 01:32:01,897 That Cameron Diaz is hot. Did you check out the new F-1 50 yet? 1340 01:32:01,980 --> 01:32:03,398 Dude, it's huge. 1341 01:32:03,482 --> 01:32:07,152 I figure after the Laker game, I'll head to Dublin's, grab some brewskies. 1342 01:32:07,236 --> 01:32:09,780 No way, man. There's no snatch there on Mondays. 1343 01:32:09,863 --> 01:32:12,991 - It's total sausage on week nights. - You guys see that Saxon got traded? 1344 01:32:13,075 --> 01:32:15,244 It sucks. The line's gonna be shit now. 1345 01:32:15,327 --> 01:32:16,537 Amen, girlfriend. 1346 01:32:17,663 --> 01:32:20,582 - What did I say? - We were doing so well. 1347 01:32:20,666 --> 01:32:23,710 There isn't a straight man who doesn't refer to anyone but his girlfriend... 1348 01:32:23,752 --> 01:32:25,045 as "girlfriend." 1349 01:32:25,087 --> 01:32:27,047 But I was so butch when I said it. 1350 01:32:27,089 --> 01:32:30,300 Fine. I don't care that I lost. I hate games. Where's the check? 1351 01:32:30,384 --> 01:32:32,010 You should be proud to have lost. 1352 01:32:32,094 --> 01:32:35,848 This whole exercise is an unabashed, demoralizing case of self-mockery. 1353 01:32:35,931 --> 01:32:38,892 This from the man that brought us, "There's no snatch there on Monday." 1354 01:32:38,934 --> 01:32:40,936 - That's different. - I agree. 1355 01:32:41,019 --> 01:32:44,022 If Larry Kramer knew this is how gay men spent their time, he'd defect. 1356 01:32:44,106 --> 01:32:46,316 Larry Kramer can blow me, okay? 1357 01:32:46,400 --> 01:32:47,734 This is fun. 1358 01:32:47,776 --> 01:32:49,987 Besides, that was 5 minutes and 3 2 seconds. 1359 01:32:50,070 --> 01:32:51,780 - Group record. - Meanwhile... 1360 01:32:51,864 --> 01:32:53,574 I was saying earlier-- 1361 01:32:53,615 --> 01:32:56,910 Could I have a double steroid mocha? 1362 01:32:56,952 --> 01:32:59,079 - I can't help it. I'm a gym bunny hag. - Gross. 1363 01:32:59,121 --> 01:33:01,498 Yes, Benji, yours is a lost cause. 1364 01:33:01,582 --> 01:33:04,251 I hate this city. Everyone's better-looking than me. 1365 01:33:04,293 --> 01:33:07,296 - Cheer up,Jan. You'll make the team. - I'm serious. 1366 01:33:07,379 --> 01:33:08,797 Fuck off. 1367 01:33:08,881 --> 01:33:10,799 It's from the three of us. 1368 01:33:12,384 --> 01:33:15,429 And you wrapped it in your pants. 1369 01:33:15,470 --> 01:33:17,431 That's very funny. 1370 01:33:20,434 --> 01:33:23,061 - "Love, Here I Am." - It's a joke. 1371 01:33:23,145 --> 01:33:26,523 You're the only one of us that never complains about not having a boyfriend. 1372 01:33:26,607 --> 01:33:29,902 Certain individuals less familiar with the real Dennis... 1373 01:33:29,985 --> 01:33:33,155 might interpret that absence of desire to couple... 1374 01:33:33,238 --> 01:33:36,408 as a defense mechanism, a wall. 1375 01:33:36,491 --> 01:33:40,746 In which case, this text would serve you in overcoming your emotional blockage... 1376 01:33:40,829 --> 01:33:44,583 and opening yourself up to the possibilities of a relationship. 1377 01:33:45,667 --> 01:33:48,670 Okay, hint taken. Come on. Just get together. 1378 01:33:48,754 --> 01:33:51,256 I can't take a picture. I look terrible right now. 1379 01:33:51,340 --> 01:33:53,467 I really, honestly. Wait a minute. Look at this. 1380 01:33:53,509 --> 01:33:55,677 - Actually, this isn't bad. - Okay. 1381 01:33:55,761 --> 01:33:59,014 Good. Light's good over there. Go. Come on, go. 1382 01:34:02,392 --> 01:34:04,353 All right. 1383 01:34:07,606 --> 01:34:09,650 Meanwhile-- 1384 01:34:11,610 --> 01:34:14,821 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 1385 01:34:14,905 --> 01:34:18,116 Fact is, I don't know. Can't remember. 1386 01:34:18,200 --> 01:34:20,035 But what I do remember... 1387 01:34:20,118 --> 01:34:23,830 what I can recall is the moment I first realized it was okay. 1388 01:34:23,872 --> 01:34:26,291 - "It was when I met these guys..." - Thank you. 1389 01:34:26,375 --> 01:34:27,793 my friends. 1390 01:34:54,111 --> 01:34:58,073 I still need to find a housewarming gift for my sister and Clubber Lang. 1391 01:34:58,115 --> 01:35:00,367 She's been your sister's girlfriend for five years. 1392 01:35:00,450 --> 01:35:02,911 Don't you think you two should get along? 1393 01:35:07,624 --> 01:35:10,294 Meanwhile, don't look now, but right behind me-- 1394 01:35:10,377 --> 01:35:12,045 I could kill you. 1395 01:35:12,129 --> 01:35:14,631 You act like he'd never know we were checking him out. 1396 01:35:14,715 --> 01:35:17,384 He wouldn't even know I was a fag if I wasn't here with you-- 1397 01:35:17,467 --> 01:35:19,428 a cart full of kitchenwares. 1398 01:35:19,469 --> 01:35:20,929 What planet are you living on? 1399 01:35:20,971 --> 01:35:23,932 Not a person in this store wouldn't pick you off the homo tree in a second. 1400 01:35:24,016 --> 01:35:26,226 - Keep telling yourself that. - You don't believe me? 1401 01:35:26,310 --> 01:35:28,854 Okay. I'm sorry, miss? Excuse me, miss? 1402 01:35:28,937 --> 01:35:31,231 Could you come here for just a second? 1403 01:35:31,315 --> 01:35:34,484 This man, you've never seen him before in your whole entire life, right? 1404 01:35:34,568 --> 01:35:38,030 Tell me, which is it: fag, not a fag? 1405 01:35:38,113 --> 01:35:40,824 I'll have to say big fag. 1406 01:35:40,908 --> 01:35:43,243 - The first thing I want to say, Larry-- - Lawrence. 1407 01:35:44,494 --> 01:35:46,580 - Remember my thing with that? - Right. 1408 01:35:46,663 --> 01:35:49,041 Anyway, Lawrence, the last two weeks... 1409 01:35:49,124 --> 01:35:51,585 that we've been going out... 1410 01:35:51,668 --> 01:35:56,632 have been some of the best moments in my dating career. 1411 01:35:56,715 --> 01:35:58,759 We've laughed, we've learned... 1412 01:35:58,800 --> 01:36:01,094 we've tripped the light fantastic. 1413 01:36:01,178 --> 01:36:03,305 And yet, I just... 1414 01:36:04,223 --> 01:36:07,100 feel like something's just not working. 1415 01:36:08,477 --> 01:36:10,562 What do you think, dear? 1416 01:36:10,646 --> 01:36:12,898 I'm not sure. Fold your arms. 1417 01:36:16,026 --> 01:36:18,779 Oh, gosh, yeah. Big nellie. 1418 01:36:18,862 --> 01:36:21,406 It's not you, okay? It's me. 1419 01:36:21,490 --> 01:36:24,284 I'm the broken piece, and you wanna know why? 1420 01:36:25,118 --> 01:36:27,913 It's because deep down inside... 1421 01:36:31,166 --> 01:36:32,459 I'm a lonely person. 1422 01:36:34,837 --> 01:36:37,005 Are you reading that off of your hand? 1423 01:36:37,089 --> 01:36:39,174 What? No. 1424 01:36:40,425 --> 01:36:42,803 You are. You are totally reading a script. 1425 01:36:42,886 --> 01:36:45,264 It's just some notes. I wanted to make sure I said the right thing. 1426 01:36:45,347 --> 01:36:47,307 Oh, give me a fucking break. 1427 01:36:47,391 --> 01:36:50,978 The light fantastic? You don't even know what that is. 1428 01:36:51,061 --> 01:36:52,312 What? 1429 01:36:52,396 --> 01:36:54,940 Got an APB on a Caucasian male, brown hair and eyes... 1430 01:36:55,023 --> 01:36:56,942 1 60 pounds, 5-feet-1 1 . 1431 01:36:57,025 --> 01:37:00,863 Suspect is unarmed and has distinct characteristics of a homosexual male. 1432 01:37:00,946 --> 01:37:03,198 That's how I'd call you in myself. 1433 01:37:05,284 --> 01:37:08,036 You know, you are worse than all the muscle boys combined. 1434 01:37:08,120 --> 01:37:10,831 At least they don't presume to want a relationship. 1435 01:37:10,873 --> 01:37:13,500 I never said that I wanted a relationship. 1436 01:37:13,542 --> 01:37:16,044 - Then what did you want? - Something casual. 1437 01:37:16,879 --> 01:37:20,340 Linen sports jackets are casual. Swimwear is casual. 1438 01:37:20,424 --> 01:37:23,802 - Fucking somebody is not casual. - Okay. 1439 01:37:23,886 --> 01:37:25,387 While we're on the subject... 1440 01:37:25,470 --> 01:37:27,806 if certain rumors concerning your sexual proclivities... 1441 01:37:27,890 --> 01:37:31,059 start popping up around town, you'll know who started them. 1442 01:37:31,143 --> 01:37:33,645 Have a pleasant evening, bottom boy! 1443 01:37:35,147 --> 01:37:37,733 That is such bullshit! 1444 01:38:06,595 --> 01:38:08,805 Why do you bring them here, strumpet? 1445 01:38:08,889 --> 01:38:10,849 I am not in the mood for one of your tirades. 1446 01:38:10,933 --> 01:38:14,061 As a person in a long-term relationship, I'm gonna let you know. 1447 01:38:14,102 --> 01:38:16,355 - What you do is sick. - Whatever. 1448 01:38:16,438 --> 01:38:19,358 Number one, you work here. It's in poor taste. 1449 01:38:19,441 --> 01:38:21,818 Number two, if you're gonna break up with somebody... 1450 01:38:21,902 --> 01:38:24,321 have the decency to provide them with better lighting. 1451 01:38:24,404 --> 01:38:27,366 I heard that, ingrate. Oh, record time, Casanova. 1452 01:38:27,449 --> 01:38:29,826 You can start your shift early. 1453 01:38:29,910 --> 01:38:32,871 Roberto, what are you cutting those with, a chain saw? 1454 01:38:32,955 --> 01:38:35,958 This is bruschetta. You slice the tomatoes thinly. 1455 01:38:35,999 --> 01:38:40,003 Jack, that's Javier. Roberto is his brother. 1456 01:38:40,087 --> 01:38:42,256 If he cuts those tomatoes right, I'll call him Phyllis if he wants. 1457 01:38:42,297 --> 01:38:44,258 As a person in a long-term relationship... 1458 01:38:44,299 --> 01:38:47,177 I don't see how you're ever gonna find happiness with one person... 1459 01:38:47,261 --> 01:38:48,929 if you don't mend your ways. 1460 01:38:48,971 --> 01:38:52,432 Do you not start any sentences with, "as a person in a long-term relationship"? 1461 01:38:52,474 --> 01:38:54,434 It speaks of my authority on matters of the heart. 1462 01:38:54,476 --> 01:38:57,688 -It speaks of your boyfriend's insanity. -Hey, guys. 1463 01:38:57,771 --> 01:38:59,273 - Thank God. - You're late. 1464 01:38:59,356 --> 01:39:02,109 Sorry, but, you know, it is my birthday. 1465 01:39:02,150 --> 01:39:04,444 Sorry doesn't feed the bulldog, sugar. Go to work. 1466 01:39:04,486 --> 01:39:06,780 Saw your prey on the curb. Nice work. 1467 01:39:06,864 --> 01:39:09,324 Last time I use an audition monologue to break up with somebody. 1468 01:39:09,366 --> 01:39:11,451 You coming to the party,Jack? 1469 01:39:11,535 --> 01:39:14,872 I just wrapped 1 00 pieces of cantaloupe in prosciutto to keep 'em warm. 1470 01:39:14,955 --> 01:39:16,874 You didn't. Jack! 1471 01:39:16,957 --> 01:39:18,876 I couldn't let you have a birthday without giving you... 1472 01:39:18,959 --> 01:39:21,712 at least a little bit of my superior taste and talent. 1473 01:39:21,795 --> 01:39:24,548 And in addition to which, look what I got today. 1474 01:39:24,631 --> 01:39:26,049 The Broken Hearts jerseys. 1475 01:39:26,133 --> 01:39:28,886 I will be signing up interested parties all night. 1476 01:39:28,969 --> 01:39:31,722 Please, I'm begging you, no softball team this year. 1477 01:39:31,805 --> 01:39:34,224 No softball team this year. No softball team this year. 1478 01:39:34,308 --> 01:39:37,436 Are you crazy? You know what kind of P.R. this is for the restaurant? 1479 01:39:37,519 --> 01:39:40,939 It can't be that good. We lost every single game we played last year. 1480 01:39:41,023 --> 01:39:43,066 Two of those teams only had four people. 1481 01:39:43,150 --> 01:39:46,320 Nobody's forcing you two to play, but remember who pays your bills. 1482 01:39:52,534 --> 01:39:56,496 Leslie, Queen of Bitchtar, your people have come to take you home. 1483 01:39:56,580 --> 01:40:00,250 Good evening, Patrick. It's your brother! 1484 01:40:00,334 --> 01:40:02,628 I'll be right there. 1485 01:40:02,711 --> 01:40:05,005 What is it with lesbians and candles? 1486 01:40:05,088 --> 01:40:09,092 I just got home from the office, and I'm not in the mood for your shit. 1487 01:40:10,427 --> 01:40:12,179 So... 1488 01:40:12,262 --> 01:40:13,639 what's the gift? 1489 01:40:13,722 --> 01:40:16,016 It's a housewarming present for Anne. 1490 01:40:16,099 --> 01:40:17,601 Two months late. 1491 01:40:19,269 --> 01:40:21,021 Looks like a coffeemaker. 1492 01:40:21,104 --> 01:40:24,066 Well, you can shut your mouth because it's a surprise. 1493 01:40:24,107 --> 01:40:26,068 Oh, we already have a coffeemaker. 1494 01:40:26,109 --> 01:40:28,529 I've seen your old one. This one is way better. 1495 01:40:29,238 --> 01:40:31,532 We got rid of that one. She didn't tell you? 1496 01:40:31,615 --> 01:40:33,700 We have a new Webb 3000. 1497 01:40:33,784 --> 01:40:36,245 - You already have a Webb 3000? - Don't worry, sweetie. 1498 01:40:36,286 --> 01:40:39,414 It won't be the first time she's returned one of your gifts. 1499 01:40:42,042 --> 01:40:45,087 So Anne tells me you're jealous of her vibrator. 1500 01:40:46,380 --> 01:40:47,631 How do I look? 1501 01:40:47,714 --> 01:40:50,551 - Great! Where's Hansel and Gretel? - That's clever. 1502 01:40:50,634 --> 01:40:52,928 - You sure you don't want to come? - No, thank you. 1503 01:40:53,011 --> 01:40:55,681 - He said it's gonna be mixed. - The last time he said that... 1504 01:40:55,764 --> 01:40:58,892 there were 60 men, 3 women and a parrot... 1505 01:40:58,976 --> 01:41:01,061 and the parrot was getting more attention than the women. 1506 01:41:01,144 --> 01:41:03,605 That parrot knew the words to " Material Girl." 1507 01:41:03,689 --> 01:41:05,107 Shall we? 1508 01:41:17,494 --> 01:41:20,914 Do you have to do that in here? We are two blocks from the house! 1509 01:41:20,956 --> 01:41:22,916 Parties make me nervous. 1510 01:41:22,958 --> 01:41:25,794 - I'm relaxing. - Can you relax legally? 1511 01:41:25,878 --> 01:41:28,589 - What if we get pulled over? - What are the police gonna do? 1512 01:41:28,630 --> 01:41:31,300 For starters, the whole arresting thing. 1513 01:41:32,759 --> 01:41:35,888 If we don't go home together tonight, you'll understand. 1514 01:41:35,971 --> 01:41:38,599 - Let's not do this thing. - What whole thing? 1515 01:41:38,640 --> 01:41:41,768 This eleventh-hour breakup routine. It's really demoralizing me. 1516 01:41:41,810 --> 01:41:44,062 I'm not breaking up anything here... 1517 01:41:44,146 --> 01:41:47,149 because what there was to break up here was broken up two months ago. 1518 01:41:47,232 --> 01:41:49,026 Yet we're still sleeping together. 1519 01:41:49,109 --> 01:41:51,445 We sleep together because we got a fucked-up friendship... 1520 01:41:51,528 --> 01:41:52,905 not because we're boyfriends. 1521 01:41:52,988 --> 01:41:55,282 - I don't want to talk about this. - You never wanna talk. 1522 01:41:55,365 --> 01:41:59,620 You just want to smoke pot, watch the fucking Cartoon Network. 1523 01:41:59,703 --> 01:42:03,290 What's to talk about? We're ex-boyfriends who still screw around. 1524 01:42:03,332 --> 01:42:05,042 I want more. You don't. 1525 01:42:05,125 --> 01:42:06,627 I hang on because I love you. 1526 01:42:06,710 --> 01:42:10,380 I wait desperately for the day you calm down, wake up... 1527 01:42:10,464 --> 01:42:12,591 and realize you love me. 1528 01:42:14,343 --> 01:42:17,221 You hang on because it's easy. 1529 01:42:18,680 --> 01:42:21,433 When you say it that way, I sound like an asshole. 1530 01:42:44,373 --> 01:42:46,875 Okay, wait. Hold on. First television crush. 1531 01:42:46,959 --> 01:42:48,877 Oh, easy.John-Boy Walton. 1532 01:42:48,961 --> 01:42:52,005 Yes, honey, I always wanted to be the last one to say good night to him. 1533 01:42:52,089 --> 01:42:55,342 - No, that mole. - Mine is Matthew Laborteaux. 1534 01:42:55,425 --> 01:42:57,678 - Who's that? - Albert from "Little House." 1535 01:42:57,761 --> 01:43:00,138 Wait a minute. It was the morphine addiction episode, wasn't it? 1536 01:43:00,222 --> 01:43:03,225 - How did you know? - 'Cause you have a thing for bad boys. 1537 01:43:03,308 --> 01:43:07,020 The valley stream is clear enough to reflect even a hair or a whisker. 1538 01:43:07,062 --> 01:43:09,022 Why should I keep this mirror? 1539 01:43:09,064 --> 01:43:12,901 See, as an artist, it's crucial that I reject the mirror for the stream. 1540 01:43:12,985 --> 01:43:14,820 Right. 1541 01:43:14,903 --> 01:43:17,906 I'm gonna get a drink. Do you wanna hang here or-- 1542 01:43:17,990 --> 01:43:19,324 Definitely. 1543 01:43:19,408 --> 01:43:21,326 I mean, you know, whatever. 1544 01:43:23,912 --> 01:43:25,873 So how do you and Benji know each other? 1545 01:43:25,914 --> 01:43:27,916 We fold jeans at Structure. 1546 01:43:28,000 --> 01:43:30,377 Okay, my first television crush: Aquaman. 1547 01:43:30,460 --> 01:43:32,838 Aquaman? Are you kidding me? 1548 01:43:32,921 --> 01:43:35,841 No, you laugh, but he was a blond and he had a swimmer's build. 1549 01:43:35,924 --> 01:43:38,468 I don't like blonds though. 1550 01:43:38,552 --> 01:43:41,722 - Swimmer's? - It was a lot of crap. 1551 01:43:41,763 --> 01:43:44,808 Listen, boys, I'm not leaving this party... 1552 01:43:44,892 --> 01:43:47,060 until you sign up... 1553 01:43:47,102 --> 01:43:51,565 to be on the best team in the West Hollywood Softball League... 1554 01:43:51,607 --> 01:43:53,400 the Broken Hearts! 1555 01:43:53,442 --> 01:43:56,820 So come on over here and sign up, guys. 1556 01:43:56,904 --> 01:43:58,614 Free drinks for a signature! 1557 01:43:58,697 --> 01:44:01,366 Oh, they'll all quit after we lose the first game. 1558 01:44:03,577 --> 01:44:05,621 - That looks good, actually. - Don't do that. 1559 01:44:05,704 --> 01:44:08,373 I have to let it set for at least-- Gosh. 1560 01:44:08,457 --> 01:44:10,375 - Guess who's outside. - Who? 1561 01:44:10,459 --> 01:44:12,753 J. Crew guy from New Year's. 1562 01:44:12,836 --> 01:44:15,422 - No shit. At my party? - Yeah. 1563 01:44:15,464 --> 01:44:16,924 Come here. 1564 01:44:18,967 --> 01:44:22,930 Over there by the dining room table talking to a bunch of his friends. 1565 01:44:23,013 --> 01:44:24,973 There he is. Oh, my God. 1566 01:44:25,015 --> 01:44:26,975 Shut the door. 1567 01:44:27,017 --> 01:44:29,937 It's your birthday star shining on you. 1568 01:44:29,978 --> 01:44:33,524 We barely hooked up last time. He probably doesn't even remember me. 1569 01:44:33,607 --> 01:44:35,692 How 'bout you? Any luck with the coworker? 1570 01:44:35,776 --> 01:44:38,237 Who had a chance? Cole moved right in. 1571 01:44:38,320 --> 01:44:40,280 I just live with him. 1572 01:44:40,322 --> 01:44:43,575 It wouldn't have worked anyway. The guy's a total newbie. 1573 01:44:43,659 --> 01:44:46,537 - Hasn't even told me he's gay yet. - No shit. You can pick 'em. 1574 01:44:46,620 --> 01:44:49,122 I know. I can't help myself. 1575 01:44:49,206 --> 01:44:53,460 They remind me how great it used to feel, you know. 1576 01:44:53,502 --> 01:44:57,214 When you first come out, and every guy in the room is just-- 1577 01:44:57,297 --> 01:44:59,216 Possibility. 1578 01:44:59,299 --> 01:45:00,884 Yeah. 1579 01:45:00,968 --> 01:45:04,388 Then you find out we are the possibility. 1580 01:45:07,266 --> 01:45:10,143 - Oh, damn. - What? 1581 01:45:10,185 --> 01:45:13,397 Much like a Zen master, you must struggle to find freshness... 1582 01:45:13,480 --> 01:45:15,649 in the mundane tasks of your world. 1583 01:45:15,691 --> 01:45:18,151 That, of course, being the world of retail. 1584 01:45:18,193 --> 01:45:20,362 I totally understand what you mean. 1585 01:45:20,445 --> 01:45:22,447 It's that book. He's unstoppable with the book. 1586 01:45:22,531 --> 01:45:23,907 What's the book? 1587 01:45:23,991 --> 01:45:27,286 Some book on Zen lessons he found on Dennis' shelf. 1588 01:45:27,369 --> 01:45:30,080 One of Cole's ex told him he was without an opinion about anything... 1589 01:45:30,163 --> 01:45:32,499 so he thought it'd be best if he went out and got some. 1590 01:45:32,541 --> 01:45:35,085 Dumb, gorgeous people should not be allowed to use literature... 1591 01:45:35,169 --> 01:45:37,004 when competing in the pickup pool. 1592 01:45:37,087 --> 01:45:39,339 It's like bald people wearing hats. 1593 01:45:40,382 --> 01:45:42,176 It's deceiving. 1594 01:45:43,051 --> 01:45:45,846 - You open my gift yet? - No. Which one is it? 1595 01:45:45,929 --> 01:45:47,931 - Right there. - I didn't know that. 1596 01:45:49,099 --> 01:45:51,852 Where's Paul? He hasn't answered my pages all day. 1597 01:45:54,229 --> 01:45:56,064 Love, Here I Am. 1598 01:45:56,148 --> 01:45:59,526 It helped me so much in preparing myself for loving Paul. 1599 01:45:59,568 --> 01:46:01,570 - Thank you, sweetie. - You're welcome, baby. 1600 01:46:01,612 --> 01:46:05,282 I'll just put that with my other two copies. 1601 01:46:05,365 --> 01:46:07,284 I was wondering if there's any more ice. 1602 01:46:07,367 --> 01:46:09,036 Ice. 1603 01:46:09,077 --> 01:46:11,079 Yes, there is ice... 1604 01:46:11,121 --> 01:46:13,373 and I will go get it. 1605 01:46:13,415 --> 01:46:15,542 Hark! The party calls. 1606 01:46:19,546 --> 01:46:21,840 From New Year's, right? 1607 01:46:21,924 --> 01:46:24,009 I wasn't sure you'd remember me. 1608 01:46:24,092 --> 01:46:26,762 Well, I do. 1609 01:46:26,845 --> 01:46:29,765 I really didn't come in here for this. 1610 01:46:59,795 --> 01:47:01,713 That's my frosting. 1611 01:47:03,465 --> 01:47:05,968 Dan, you gotta come upstairs. It's Taylor. 1612 01:47:08,512 --> 01:47:10,472 What's goin' on? 1613 01:47:10,556 --> 01:47:12,474 You're kidding me. 1614 01:47:15,644 --> 01:47:18,105 - What's happening? - Paul finally called Taylor back. 1615 01:47:18,188 --> 01:47:21,900 From Hawai, where he's vacationing with his new boyfriend. 1616 01:47:21,984 --> 01:47:23,402 Oh, shit. 1617 01:47:25,320 --> 01:47:28,073 No Streisand, no Bette, no Judy. 1618 01:47:28,156 --> 01:47:31,285 What the fuck is a fairy supposed to do around here in case of emergency? 1619 01:47:31,368 --> 01:47:33,453 - Howie, there's gotta be something. - I'm looking. 1620 01:47:33,537 --> 01:47:35,831 - There's Celine Dion. - In hell! 1621 01:47:36,582 --> 01:47:38,292 No. Okay, here. 1622 01:47:39,126 --> 01:47:40,210 "Beaches" soundtrack. 1623 01:47:40,294 --> 01:47:42,963 Oh, thank God. Track four. 1624 01:47:43,046 --> 01:47:44,840 I just heard. 1625 01:47:44,923 --> 01:47:47,009 I was left for another man. 1626 01:47:48,635 --> 01:47:50,846 And not just any other man, a trainer. 1627 01:47:50,929 --> 01:47:52,848 A trainer named Dash. 1628 01:47:52,931 --> 01:47:54,892 I was left for a punctuation mark. 1629 01:47:54,975 --> 01:47:57,019 We all knew this was gonna happen. 1630 01:47:57,936 --> 01:47:59,313 - Patrick. - Come on. 1631 01:47:59,354 --> 01:48:01,690 It's not like he didn't know Paul was sleeping around. 1632 01:48:01,773 --> 01:48:05,444 I tried to warn him before they moved in together, and he wouldn't listen. 1633 01:48:05,527 --> 01:48:07,821 I'm in the room, asshole. 1634 01:48:07,905 --> 01:48:10,407 Nice. That's what I get for being a friend. 1635 01:48:10,490 --> 01:48:12,659 We obviously have two different interpretations of that word. 1636 01:48:12,743 --> 01:48:13,994 What does that mean? 1637 01:48:14,036 --> 01:48:16,788 It means that when it comes to men... 1638 01:48:16,872 --> 01:48:20,167 you delight in being the bearer of bad news for all of us. 1639 01:48:20,209 --> 01:48:24,004 You can disguise it all you want under the guise of Patrick's good advice... 1640 01:48:24,087 --> 01:48:26,507 but it ain't shit but a pin... 1641 01:48:26,548 --> 01:48:29,009 trying to pop all of our relationship balloons. 1642 01:48:31,553 --> 01:48:34,681 Yeah, I knew Paul was sleeping with other people. 1643 01:48:36,016 --> 01:48:37,851 But he said that we'd work things out. 1644 01:48:39,686 --> 01:48:41,605 He promised we'd work things out. 1645 01:48:41,688 --> 01:48:43,565 He lied. 1646 01:48:43,649 --> 01:48:45,442 I'm sorry. You know what? 1647 01:48:45,526 --> 01:48:48,403 This is the time of the evening where all the prettier boys hook up... 1648 01:48:48,487 --> 01:48:50,864 so I'm just gonna leave now. 1649 01:48:52,074 --> 01:48:54,409 - He hates me. - He'll get over it. 1650 01:48:56,662 --> 01:48:58,872 The apartment was Paul's. 1651 01:48:58,914 --> 01:49:01,083 He wants me out by Friday. 1652 01:49:01,166 --> 01:49:04,628 We have a guest room. 1653 01:49:04,711 --> 01:49:06,713 You're more than welcome to it. 1654 01:49:08,215 --> 01:49:10,884 - I couldn't. - It wouldn't be a problem. 1655 01:49:10,968 --> 01:49:15,764 Cole lives here too. I couldn't do it unless you were okay with it. 1656 01:49:16,890 --> 01:49:19,101 Well, it's sort of sudden. 1657 01:49:21,478 --> 01:49:22,604 But... 1658 01:49:24,189 --> 01:49:26,984 it's Dennis' house, so if he's okay with it... 1659 01:49:27,067 --> 01:49:28,443 then I guess I am. 1660 01:49:30,779 --> 01:49:31,905 Then it's settled. 1661 01:49:35,492 --> 01:49:37,661 Dennis, Cole, I-- 1662 01:49:37,744 --> 01:49:41,164 You'll never, ever know how much I appreciate this. 1663 01:49:42,875 --> 01:49:45,169 I'm gonna need your strength now. 1664 01:49:49,715 --> 01:49:51,175 See you guys. 1665 01:49:59,349 --> 01:50:00,601 What happened? 1666 01:50:00,642 --> 01:50:03,103 Paul dumped Taylor. Taylor's a wreck. 1667 01:50:05,731 --> 01:50:07,941 Party's gonna break up soon, if you want a ride. 1668 01:50:07,983 --> 01:50:10,360 Howie, no. 1669 01:50:10,444 --> 01:50:12,988 You know, I can't be your Rice-A-Roni. 1670 01:50:13,071 --> 01:50:14,323 My what? 1671 01:50:14,406 --> 01:50:16,325 Your Rice-A-Roni. 1672 01:50:16,408 --> 01:50:18,619 It's the ultimate '7 0s game show consolation prize... 1673 01:50:18,660 --> 01:50:20,871 the thing everybody went home with even if they lost. 1674 01:50:20,954 --> 01:50:23,332 It is not like that. 1675 01:50:23,415 --> 01:50:24,958 It's different. 1676 01:50:25,042 --> 01:50:26,793 Yeah. 1677 01:50:26,835 --> 01:50:28,295 Oh, my-- 1678 01:50:31,840 --> 01:50:34,092 Oh, don't do that. 1679 01:50:34,176 --> 01:50:36,553 Because you know that gets me worked up when you do that. 1680 01:50:36,637 --> 01:50:38,096 Do what? 1681 01:50:38,180 --> 01:50:40,474 You take off your glasses. 1682 01:50:40,557 --> 01:50:42,518 You rub your eyes. 1683 01:50:42,559 --> 01:50:44,520 And you're speechless. 1684 01:50:47,397 --> 01:50:50,734 I still make you speechless? 1685 01:50:55,989 --> 01:50:58,575 - Where's your jacket? - It's in the car. 1686 01:50:58,659 --> 01:51:00,077 Let's go. 1687 01:51:09,336 --> 01:51:11,839 Do you wanna talk about it? 1688 01:51:11,922 --> 01:51:14,132 What's to talk about? 1689 01:51:14,216 --> 01:51:17,427 Gay men in L.A. are a bunch of 10s looking for an 11 . 1690 01:51:17,511 --> 01:51:21,223 On a good night, and if the other guy is drunk enough, I'm a six. 1691 01:51:21,306 --> 01:51:23,559 - That's not true. - It is. 1692 01:51:23,642 --> 01:51:27,187 I love you, and I know that you mean well, but it is. 1693 01:51:27,271 --> 01:51:29,857 Patrick, maybe it's time you start hanging out... 1694 01:51:29,940 --> 01:51:32,067 with a different group of guys. 1695 01:51:33,026 --> 01:51:35,863 They're the only ones that make it bearable. 1696 01:51:37,072 --> 01:51:38,949 Good night, Patrick. 1697 01:51:39,032 --> 01:51:43,203 Oh,just before I forget, Leslie and I wanna have a baby... 1698 01:51:43,287 --> 01:51:46,748 and since that's biologically impossible for us to do so without sperm... 1699 01:51:46,790 --> 01:51:49,626 and since your genes are close to mine, we thought we could borrow yours... 1700 01:51:49,710 --> 01:51:52,379 and then it would be like the baby she and I would've had together... 1701 01:51:52,421 --> 01:51:54,381 had I a penis. 1702 01:51:54,423 --> 01:51:57,551 You wouldn't have to sleep with her. She'd be artificially inseminated. 1703 01:51:57,634 --> 01:52:00,053 So take your time, think about it. 1704 01:52:00,137 --> 01:52:03,473 Not to rush you, but we do want to kind of get moving on it right away... 1705 01:52:03,557 --> 01:52:06,894 like within the next couple of ovulation cycles. 1706 01:52:06,977 --> 01:52:08,979 So... 1707 01:52:09,062 --> 01:52:10,981 talk to you tomorrow. 1708 01:52:20,782 --> 01:52:23,243 - You can drive away now. - Oh, okay. 1709 01:52:33,545 --> 01:52:35,589 Go home. I'll get the rest. 1710 01:52:37,216 --> 01:52:38,675 Come, you spirits... 1711 01:52:38,759 --> 01:52:40,719 that tend on mortal thoughts. 1712 01:52:40,802 --> 01:52:42,763 Unsex him here. 1713 01:52:42,804 --> 01:52:45,140 Now is not the time for Shakespeare in the Living Room. 1714 01:52:45,224 --> 01:52:47,476 No, of course not. It's getting late. 1715 01:52:47,559 --> 01:52:50,687 It's only 20 minutes to your next meaningless sexual experience. 1716 01:52:50,771 --> 01:52:53,649 - Ten, if I'm lucky. - Never, if you're really lucky. 1717 01:52:53,732 --> 01:52:56,652 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards the door? 1718 01:52:56,735 --> 01:53:00,030 Notice how subtly I'm ushering you towards a healthier existence? 1719 01:53:00,113 --> 01:53:01,823 Good night,Jack. 1720 01:53:01,907 --> 01:53:03,951 Happy birthday, Dennis. I love you. 1721 01:53:06,828 --> 01:53:08,413 Don't get nervous. 1722 01:53:08,497 --> 01:53:11,834 Little kids and senior citizens don't say it for you to say it back. 1723 01:53:33,355 --> 01:53:35,816 We should light a few more candles. 1724 01:53:38,068 --> 01:53:39,778 I'm cool. 1725 01:53:39,862 --> 01:53:43,615 Yeah, but we could use a little, you know, some mood adjustment. 1726 01:54:03,927 --> 01:54:05,804 How 'bout-- 1727 01:54:05,888 --> 01:54:08,390 How 'bout some music? 1728 01:54:08,473 --> 01:54:09,892 - Sure. - Great. 1729 01:54:09,975 --> 01:54:12,853 - Whatever. - Yeah. Great. 1730 01:54:13,896 --> 01:54:15,189 You like the Carpenters? 1731 01:54:16,398 --> 01:54:18,609 Play something else. 1732 01:54:23,864 --> 01:54:27,743 You don't find Karen Carpenter's music even remotely romantic? 1733 01:54:27,826 --> 01:54:29,203 - No. - None of it? 1734 01:54:29,244 --> 01:54:31,705 Not "Close to You," " Rainy Days and Mondays." 1735 01:54:31,747 --> 01:54:34,416 What about the one about Warren Beatty? 1736 01:54:35,334 --> 01:54:38,754 "You're So Vain." That's Carly Simon. 1737 01:54:38,837 --> 01:54:40,839 - You should go. - What? 1738 01:54:40,923 --> 01:54:44,885 I'm feeling virtuous all of a sudden, but I'm gonna go with this impulse. 1739 01:54:44,927 --> 01:54:48,889 - Is this about the music? - No, it's not. It's about me. 1740 01:54:48,931 --> 01:54:51,892 - I can't do this anymore. - We haven't done anything yet. 1741 01:54:51,934 --> 01:54:54,436 I know what we're about to do, and I can't do it. 1742 01:54:54,520 --> 01:54:55,896 - Sure, you can. - You're right. 1743 01:54:55,979 --> 01:54:59,233 - I can, but I'm tired of it. - You're tired of sex? 1744 01:54:59,316 --> 01:55:00,734 Yes. No. 1745 01:55:02,361 --> 01:55:05,989 I'm tired of sex with people who care what I look like and make up the rest... 1746 01:55:06,073 --> 01:55:08,033 and I'm tired of doing the same with them. 1747 01:55:08,116 --> 01:55:11,286 I want something more... 1748 01:55:11,370 --> 01:55:12,663 something else. 1749 01:55:12,746 --> 01:55:16,041 I want someone who likes my music and I care about in the morning. 1750 01:55:16,124 --> 01:55:18,627 I keep forgetting your name... 1751 01:55:18,710 --> 01:55:21,713 because my friends and I refer to you as "J. Crew guy." 1752 01:55:23,298 --> 01:55:24,758 It's Ted. 1753 01:55:26,927 --> 01:55:28,011 Well, Ted... 1754 01:55:28,095 --> 01:55:30,055 I'm sorry. 1755 01:55:30,138 --> 01:55:34,268 Normally, how you look in that sweater would be enough, but just not tonight. 1756 01:56:12,472 --> 01:56:13,724 You scared me. 1757 01:56:13,807 --> 01:56:16,768 It's my house. I'm allowed to do that. 1758 01:56:16,852 --> 01:56:18,854 - Is Cole asleep? - Yeah, he's asleep. 1759 01:56:20,230 --> 01:56:22,482 There's nothin' in there. I checked. 1760 01:56:24,651 --> 01:56:26,361 You should try the cake. 1761 01:56:26,445 --> 01:56:29,823 The icing looks gross, but the cake's pretty good. 1762 01:56:30,908 --> 01:56:33,952 This is not what I need tonight. 1763 01:56:34,036 --> 01:56:37,247 - You are not what I need tonight. - What'd I say? 1764 01:56:37,331 --> 01:56:40,834 I made that cake you just insulted for my own birthday. 1765 01:56:40,918 --> 01:56:43,587 It took me two hours, and I didn't even get to blow out the candles... 1766 01:56:43,670 --> 01:56:46,340 'cause my friend's relationship hit DEFCON 5. 1767 01:56:46,423 --> 01:56:48,175 Bummer. 1768 01:56:48,217 --> 01:56:52,596 Everyone knows that birthday wishes are the only ones with real validity. 1769 01:56:52,679 --> 01:56:55,516 I plan on writing to the committee for an extension. 1770 01:57:00,312 --> 01:57:02,105 Why write? 1771 01:57:05,400 --> 01:57:08,403 Now you made the deadline. 1772 01:57:18,914 --> 01:57:21,750 Come on. Make your wish. 1773 01:57:34,388 --> 01:57:35,806 Thank you. 1774 01:57:37,140 --> 01:57:38,433 Kevin. 1775 01:57:38,517 --> 01:57:40,018 You must be "Ennis." 1776 01:57:40,102 --> 01:57:41,603 That's Dennis. 1777 01:57:41,687 --> 01:57:44,648 Somebody ate the "D." 1778 01:57:46,608 --> 01:57:48,485 - Are these yours? - Yeah. 1779 01:57:48,569 --> 01:57:51,154 I found your darkroom when I was looking for the bathroom... 1780 01:57:51,238 --> 01:57:53,907 so I figured you were a photographer or something. 1781 01:57:54,992 --> 01:57:56,243 Or somethin'. 1782 01:57:57,661 --> 01:58:01,123 - I like this one. - That was my first class assignment. 1783 01:58:01,164 --> 01:58:05,127 We had to find an inanimate object that represented our emotional state. 1784 01:58:05,210 --> 01:58:08,088 I had just come out of the closet, hadn't met any of my friends yet... 1785 01:58:08,172 --> 01:58:11,383 but I was still feeling a sense of strength and independence. 1786 01:58:12,676 --> 01:58:15,387 I think it looks lonely. 1787 01:58:15,470 --> 01:58:16,805 You're Benji's friend? 1788 01:58:17,681 --> 01:58:19,892 Oh, yeah. More sort of coworker... 1789 01:58:19,975 --> 01:58:22,561 but I like him. 1790 01:58:22,644 --> 01:58:24,646 - Apparently not enough. - What's that mean? 1791 01:58:26,023 --> 01:58:29,610 Between you and me, I think you kind of dashed his hopes tonight. 1792 01:58:29,693 --> 01:58:33,739 You've been a hot topic of conversation since you joined the Structure family. 1793 01:58:34,823 --> 01:58:36,783 What, he's been talking about me? 1794 01:58:37,659 --> 01:58:40,829 Relax. It's just a crush. 1795 01:58:40,913 --> 01:58:42,831 I mean, you should be flattered. 1796 01:58:43,790 --> 01:58:47,377 By the next full moon, he'll have a new one. It's his way. 1797 01:58:47,461 --> 01:58:49,588 I don't get you guys. 1798 01:58:49,671 --> 01:58:52,341 Is that all you do, sit around here and talk about men? 1799 01:58:52,424 --> 01:58:54,968 Either that or we talk about men. 1800 01:58:56,053 --> 01:58:57,513 Yeah, well... 1801 01:58:57,596 --> 01:58:59,848 I think it's really gay. 1802 01:59:02,267 --> 01:59:04,686 - You're not out, are you? - What? 1803 01:59:04,770 --> 01:59:08,148 You're not just a newbie. You're not even out to anyone. 1804 01:59:08,857 --> 01:59:11,443 - I don't think it's anyone's business. - It isn't. 1805 01:59:11,527 --> 01:59:14,154 - I'm getting tired of being asked. - I can imagine. 1806 01:59:14,238 --> 01:59:16,740 Why do I have to tell anyone anyway? 1807 01:59:16,823 --> 01:59:19,993 Maybe I'm straight. Maybe I'm gay. Maybe I haven't decided. 1808 01:59:20,077 --> 01:59:22,454 Maybe I should say good night. 1809 01:59:22,538 --> 01:59:24,623 Yeah. Good night. 1810 01:59:30,879 --> 01:59:32,339 You're right. 1811 01:59:32,422 --> 01:59:34,341 It looks lonely. 1812 01:59:45,060 --> 01:59:48,105 I can't decide if my friends are the best or worst thing to happen to me. 1813 01:59:48,188 --> 01:59:50,858 Clearly, without them, my life would be a lot less fun... 1814 01:59:50,899 --> 01:59:52,860 but with them... 1815 01:59:53,986 --> 01:59:57,489 I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a life of my own. 1816 01:59:58,740 --> 02:00:01,785 Do you know what I'm talking about? 1817 02:00:01,869 --> 02:00:05,080 Do you want to keep it short on top? 1818 02:00:05,163 --> 02:00:06,582 Yeah. 1819 02:00:08,709 --> 02:00:11,879 I know they're my friends. I just don't know if I can trust any of them. 1820 02:00:11,920 --> 02:00:13,881 Especially when it comes to men. 1821 02:00:13,922 --> 02:00:16,383 Every time I introduce someone, they're all over him. 1822 02:00:16,425 --> 02:00:18,427 Watch your posture, all right? 1823 02:00:18,510 --> 02:00:19,845 Sorry. 1824 02:00:19,928 --> 02:00:21,930 Take, for instance, the party the other night. 1825 02:00:22,014 --> 02:00:24,892 Taylor's boyfriend broke up with him from Hawai. 1826 02:00:24,933 --> 02:00:27,519 Howie went home with Marshall again. 1827 02:00:27,603 --> 02:00:30,772 Benji's quasi-boyfriend slept with Cole. 1828 02:00:30,856 --> 02:00:35,194 And my sister ends the evening with a plea for my sperm. 1829 02:00:35,277 --> 02:00:37,738 It's like one big gay soap opera. 1830 02:00:37,779 --> 02:00:40,616 I keep waiting for Sue Ellen to wander into my living room... 1831 02:00:40,699 --> 02:00:44,411 and tell me she secretly bought controlling interest in my oil company. 1832 02:00:44,494 --> 02:00:48,957 I was watching this documentary on cable about this tribe of monkeys in Somalia. 1833 02:00:49,041 --> 02:00:52,920 Benji was telling me about this documentary he saw about monkeys-- 1834 02:00:52,961 --> 02:00:53,629 In Somalia. 1835 02:00:53,712 --> 02:00:57,424 They hang out with each other until mating season, and then just like that-- 1836 02:00:57,508 --> 02:01:00,928 They attack each other. It's survival of the fittest. 1837 02:01:00,969 --> 02:01:04,181 I thought to myself, that's our group. 1838 02:01:04,264 --> 02:01:05,516 That's us. 1839 02:01:05,599 --> 02:01:09,311 We're those monkeys, and I'm the monkey with the image problem. 1840 02:01:09,394 --> 02:01:12,272 The only one who's unfaxed by anything is Cole. 1841 02:01:12,356 --> 02:01:13,941 I mean,just look at him. 1842 02:01:14,024 --> 02:01:16,443 He's gorgeous, completely straight-acting. 1843 02:01:16,527 --> 02:01:18,862 He's the ultimate meanwhile, and he has no soul. 1844 02:01:18,946 --> 02:01:21,198 My dad would sleep with Cole. 1845 02:01:22,866 --> 02:01:26,787 If you asked me, Cole is precisely what's wrong with this group. 1846 02:01:26,870 --> 02:01:30,707 We all want to be him, but we're all afraid to admit it. 1847 02:01:30,791 --> 02:01:33,544 Actually, Howie would probably admit it. 1848 02:01:33,627 --> 02:01:35,879 I wanna be Cole. Why can't I be Cole? 1849 02:01:35,963 --> 02:01:37,881 Why can't God have made me Cole? 1850 02:01:41,718 --> 02:01:43,637 My friends get a haircut with this. 1851 02:01:43,720 --> 02:01:46,348 It's not like I wanna be Cole or anything. 1852 02:01:46,431 --> 02:01:48,892 He just makes it all look so easy. 1853 02:01:48,976 --> 02:01:52,813 I just wish it was, you know, that easy to let someone in. 1854 02:01:52,855 --> 02:01:54,231 To get a boyfriend. 1855 02:01:54,314 --> 02:01:55,983 To be beautiful. 1856 02:01:58,235 --> 02:02:00,153 Thanks, Betty. 1857 02:02:00,237 --> 02:02:02,739 You always know just what to say. 1858 02:02:02,823 --> 02:02:04,241 It's a gift. 1859 02:02:13,625 --> 02:02:15,711 Where is my living room? 1860 02:02:15,794 --> 02:02:19,214 - I just shifted it around a little. - No, this is your living room. 1861 02:02:19,298 --> 02:02:20,883 You didn't shift my living room around. 1862 02:02:20,966 --> 02:02:22,926 You shifted my living room out and your living room in. 1863 02:02:23,010 --> 02:02:25,095 So where is my living room? 1864 02:02:25,179 --> 02:02:27,514 Distributed evenly around the house. 1865 02:02:27,598 --> 02:02:29,850 - Distribute it back. - It took me all day. 1866 02:02:29,892 --> 02:02:32,394 Start now, you'll be done in time to set your curlers for bed. 1867 02:02:32,477 --> 02:02:34,521 Okay, Dennis. Think of it this way. 1868 02:02:34,605 --> 02:02:38,192 A furniture arrangement is like a new hairstyle, right? 1869 02:02:38,275 --> 02:02:41,653 You have to live with it for a few days before you know if you like it or not. 1870 02:02:41,737 --> 02:02:43,655 That's not true. 1871 02:02:43,739 --> 02:02:47,034 I haven't had a shag, but I don't have to live with one for a few days... 1872 02:02:47,075 --> 02:02:49,036 to know that I don't want one. 1873 02:02:51,413 --> 02:02:52,706 Thank God you're home. 1874 02:02:52,748 --> 02:02:54,750 Thanks to Mufassa here, it's now a Tunisian hut. 1875 02:02:54,791 --> 02:02:57,336 - Why do I even try? - I have amazing news. 1876 02:02:57,419 --> 02:03:01,215 This casting director is bringing me in for this role in this Kip Rogers movie. 1877 02:03:01,256 --> 02:03:04,051 - That's terrific. - Except I ran out of head shots. 1878 02:03:04,092 --> 02:03:06,053 - You need me to make a head shot. - Bingo. 1879 02:03:06,136 --> 02:03:08,388 - Go get your negatives. - I love you. 1880 02:03:08,430 --> 02:03:10,557 You are a fucking godsend. 1881 02:03:10,641 --> 02:03:12,976 I hear Kip Rogers is a big fag. 1882 02:03:13,060 --> 02:03:15,229 Kip Rogers is not gay. He's married. 1883 02:03:15,312 --> 02:03:20,484 Please, that's right up there with, "He's not gay. He's in a fraternity." 1884 02:03:26,949 --> 02:03:29,910 My agent thinks that I have a really good shot for this one. 1885 02:03:29,952 --> 02:03:33,247 Says they're just looking for a face. 1886 02:03:33,330 --> 02:03:35,916 Doesn't that bother you? 1887 02:03:35,999 --> 02:03:39,753 - That people think I'm attractive? - That that's all they think. 1888 02:03:39,837 --> 02:03:42,089 That's not necessarily true. 1889 02:03:42,172 --> 02:03:44,925 When was the last time you got asked to audition for a role? 1890 02:03:45,008 --> 02:03:47,928 It's always they want a look or face... 1891 02:03:47,970 --> 02:03:49,429 or nice eyes. 1892 02:03:49,471 --> 02:03:52,891 So what? Who gives a fuck? That's my way in. 1893 02:03:52,975 --> 02:03:55,936 What matters is whether or not I have the shit to back it up. 1894 02:03:57,020 --> 02:03:59,147 I guess. 1895 02:04:00,315 --> 02:04:03,610 - So you like this Kevin kid? - He's nice enough, sure. 1896 02:04:03,694 --> 02:04:05,988 That's how you feel about him? He's nice enough? 1897 02:04:06,071 --> 02:04:08,073 Do I agree with his opinions on the Middle East? 1898 02:04:08,156 --> 02:04:09,783 Forget I asked. 1899 02:04:09,825 --> 02:04:12,828 It's been a week. Who knows what I feel? 1900 02:04:12,870 --> 02:04:16,206 I think if this is gonna be another random you sleep with and dump-- 1901 02:04:16,290 --> 02:04:19,334 - Another? - You don't have the best track record. 1902 02:04:19,418 --> 02:04:22,421 - You're not taking home the gold. - This isn't about me. 1903 02:04:22,504 --> 02:04:26,466 What is your excuse for not settling down with one of your scams? 1904 02:04:26,550 --> 02:04:28,594 You don't even call them back. 1905 02:04:28,635 --> 02:04:31,263 At least I have the decency to date them for a little while. 1906 02:04:31,346 --> 02:04:33,307 Which brings me to my point. 1907 02:04:33,390 --> 02:04:36,852 Why lead somebody on when you know it's not gonna work out? 1908 02:04:38,020 --> 02:04:39,521 Because what if it does? 1909 02:04:39,605 --> 02:04:41,565 A relationship can't be built on lust. 1910 02:04:41,648 --> 02:04:46,278 No more than you can base a relationship off coffee and good conversation... 1911 02:04:46,361 --> 02:04:48,989 but that works just fine for our first date. 1912 02:04:51,825 --> 02:04:53,410 There it is. 1913 02:04:54,369 --> 02:04:55,829 Well. 1914 02:04:57,206 --> 02:04:59,374 Have you gained weight? 1915 02:04:59,458 --> 02:05:01,168 What? Where? 1916 02:05:02,586 --> 02:05:05,547 I can't help it. Every night at about 1 1..00 it hits. 1917 02:05:05,631 --> 02:05:09,009 This awful panic that I'm gonna have to spend another evening alone. 1918 02:05:09,092 --> 02:05:11,011 So I go over there. 1919 02:05:11,094 --> 02:05:14,640 - That's called being horny. - It's not horny. 1920 02:05:14,681 --> 02:05:16,141 I know horny. 1921 02:05:16,225 --> 02:05:18,352 I've taken entire lecture series on horny. 1922 02:05:18,435 --> 02:05:21,146 They have lecture series on horny? 1923 02:05:21,230 --> 02:05:23,148 They don't call it that. 1924 02:05:23,232 --> 02:05:25,901 You think I should paint my toenails again? 1925 02:05:29,196 --> 02:05:31,865 Any time you hags wanna join the game. 1926 02:05:31,949 --> 02:05:35,244 I hate the outfield. There's too much action. 1927 02:05:39,540 --> 02:05:41,416 Where did my mitt go? 1928 02:05:44,628 --> 02:05:48,382 Oh, say can you see 1929 02:05:48,423 --> 02:05:50,884 How y'all doin'? 1930 02:05:50,926 --> 02:05:53,887 You ready for this? You ready for this one? 1931 02:05:53,929 --> 02:05:55,889 Attaboy, Taylor! 1932 02:05:55,973 --> 02:05:58,517 With a monarch's voice, cry havoc... 1933 02:05:58,600 --> 02:06:01,645 and let slip the dogs of war! 1934 02:06:03,647 --> 02:06:04,565 Strike! 1935 02:06:09,111 --> 02:06:13,031 Our first game of the season, and they pit us against the Hollywood Firemen? 1936 02:06:13,115 --> 02:06:17,202 Not only are they better than us, they're a physical distraction. 1937 02:06:17,286 --> 02:06:18,829 Come on. Let's play. 1938 02:06:19,621 --> 02:06:21,331 Look at that. 1939 02:06:24,710 --> 02:06:26,128 Strike two. 1940 02:06:27,296 --> 02:06:30,340 You know, if he was smart, he'd hurl himself in front of the ball. 1941 02:06:30,424 --> 02:06:33,135 - I tell you, it's the law of fractions. - You're insane. 1942 02:06:33,218 --> 02:06:35,179 Howie thinks one of the other players is gay. 1943 02:06:35,262 --> 02:06:37,973 It's a known scientific fact that one out of ten men is gay. 1944 02:06:38,056 --> 02:06:40,559 Including the bench, they've got 1 1 players. You do the math. 1945 02:06:40,642 --> 02:06:42,436 I dare you to share that with them. 1946 02:06:45,022 --> 02:06:46,523 Thank you. 1947 02:06:47,316 --> 02:06:49,359 Where's Cole? He's up after Will. 1948 02:06:51,278 --> 02:06:52,821 I'll get him. 1949 02:06:52,905 --> 02:06:54,823 Strike three! You're out! 1950 02:06:54,907 --> 02:06:58,285 I don't understand why they don't just let me hit off the tee. 1951 02:06:58,327 --> 02:07:00,287 Shut up, bitches. 1952 02:07:11,632 --> 02:07:13,133 You're up in two. 1953 02:07:14,885 --> 02:07:16,386 Thanks, Den. 1954 02:07:27,231 --> 02:07:29,900 So you're still deciding if you're gay? 1955 02:07:29,983 --> 02:07:34,363 I'm going with the shortstop 'cause he's the only one with the shirt tucked in. 1956 02:07:35,489 --> 02:07:36,907 Benj, hold these. 1957 02:07:36,990 --> 02:07:40,035 Cole, if you had to pick a mole off the other team, who would it be? 1958 02:07:41,578 --> 02:07:43,830 No problem. Catcher. 1959 02:07:43,914 --> 02:07:45,582 Catcher? Yeah, right. 1960 02:07:45,666 --> 02:07:48,669 The biggest meanwhile on the team is really gay? People think I'm crazy. 1961 02:07:48,752 --> 02:07:50,504 The guy's a total breeder. 1962 02:07:50,546 --> 02:07:53,507 First round at Jack's says I'm right. 1963 02:07:56,426 --> 02:07:58,053 Who's the coach? 1964 02:07:58,136 --> 02:08:01,723 That's Jack. Loves baseball and Hawaiian shirts. 1965 02:08:01,807 --> 02:08:05,060 - Shakespeare fan, huh? - Classically trained. 1966 02:08:05,143 --> 02:08:09,690 Before he opened the restaurant, he was a stage actor in New York. 1967 02:08:09,773 --> 02:08:12,317 See that man? That's his partner of 20 years. 1968 02:08:12,401 --> 02:08:14,403 Plays piano at the restaurant. 1969 02:08:14,486 --> 02:08:16,113 Comes to all the games. 1970 02:08:16,196 --> 02:08:18,699 We call him Purple Guy, for obvious reasons. 1971 02:08:18,782 --> 02:08:20,200 Yeah. 1972 02:08:21,326 --> 02:08:23,453 Wow. 1973 02:08:28,667 --> 02:08:30,419 Hey, Mr. Catcher. 1974 02:08:32,838 --> 02:08:34,339 You got a name? 1975 02:08:34,423 --> 02:08:36,508 Sure. 1976 02:08:36,592 --> 02:08:38,886 It's Low and Inside. 1977 02:08:39,887 --> 02:08:41,722 Strike! 1978 02:08:43,098 --> 02:08:46,185 - Thanks for the tip. - Next time listen to me. 1979 02:08:47,477 --> 02:08:50,355 My friends and I have a little bet goin'... 1980 02:08:50,439 --> 02:08:53,859 that one of you fire boys plays on our league, if you know what I mean. 1981 02:08:53,942 --> 02:08:55,402 That's interesting. 1982 02:08:56,612 --> 02:08:59,072 - Who'd you bet on? - You. 1983 02:08:59,156 --> 02:09:00,616 Ball! 1984 02:09:05,746 --> 02:09:07,122 So do I win? 1985 02:09:09,124 --> 02:09:10,459 What tipped you off? 1986 02:09:10,542 --> 02:09:15,255 I've been up to bat twice, and twice I've caught you staring at my ass. 1987 02:09:16,298 --> 02:09:17,758 Ball. 1988 02:09:26,016 --> 02:09:28,435 So what are the chances of me getting your number? 1989 02:09:28,519 --> 02:09:30,812 Sorry. I'm seeing someone. 1990 02:09:30,896 --> 02:09:31,980 So was I. 1991 02:09:32,064 --> 02:09:34,024 Strike two! 1992 02:09:34,107 --> 02:09:36,652 Two and two, batter. 1993 02:09:36,735 --> 02:09:39,613 I missed that one on purpose so I could ask again. 1994 02:09:40,489 --> 02:09:43,075 What are the chances of getting your number? 1995 02:09:45,953 --> 02:09:48,288 About the chance of you hitting a home run. 1996 02:09:55,587 --> 02:09:56,839 Yeah, go! 1997 02:10:00,634 --> 02:10:02,719 Print neatly. 1998 02:10:57,524 --> 02:10:59,902 - You ever talk to him? - Purple guy? 1999 02:11:01,153 --> 02:11:04,865 I thought he said hi to me once. Turned out it was just a burp. 2000 02:11:08,660 --> 02:11:10,871 I wonder what Jack sees in him. 2001 02:11:10,913 --> 02:11:14,583 I don't know. Whatever it is, though, he couldn't be happier. 2002 02:11:15,667 --> 02:11:19,046 The world's only prompt lesbians. 2003 02:11:19,087 --> 02:11:21,965 Well, I'm off. 2004 02:11:22,049 --> 02:11:24,718 - Wish me luck. - You're not gonna do it. 2005 02:11:42,236 --> 02:11:43,237 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 2006 02:11:43,237 --> 02:11:45,572 I don't get it. Are we breaking up? 2007 02:11:45,614 --> 02:11:47,574 See, that's the thing. 2008 02:11:47,616 --> 02:11:51,286 That you would think there was actually something to break up... 2009 02:11:51,370 --> 02:11:55,165 implies we were never really clear on what we had to begin with. 2010 02:11:55,249 --> 02:11:57,584 That lack of clarity... 2011 02:11:57,626 --> 02:11:59,086 well... 2012 02:12:00,128 --> 02:12:01,630 frightens me. 2013 02:12:05,509 --> 02:12:07,302 What? 2014 02:12:07,386 --> 02:12:09,805 - What's up with them? - Cole's breaking up with him. 2015 02:12:09,888 --> 02:12:12,766 In the course of six innings? What happened? 2016 02:12:12,850 --> 02:12:16,144 He got the catcher's number. The fucker was right. 2017 02:12:20,107 --> 02:12:22,317 - Where's Kevin? - He doesn't feel like coming. 2018 02:12:22,401 --> 02:12:24,403 Obviously. 2019 02:12:24,444 --> 02:12:26,780 - Something wrong here? -Jig's up, Mr. Man. 2020 02:12:26,822 --> 02:12:29,283 We know all about this little Heartbreak Hotel you're runnin'. 2021 02:12:29,366 --> 02:12:31,535 We're here to shut that shit down. 2022 02:12:31,618 --> 02:12:34,872 Relax, Tex. All I did is cool things off. 2023 02:12:34,955 --> 02:12:37,374 Was that what you were doing behind the bleachers, cooling things off? 2024 02:12:41,628 --> 02:12:44,339 - I had a change of heart. Shoot me. - You're so full of shit. 2025 02:12:44,423 --> 02:12:47,426 I'm a little sick of your self-righteous attitude lately. 2026 02:12:47,467 --> 02:12:52,139 You toss one scam out of bed, and suddenly you are St.-fuckin'-Gandhi. 2027 02:12:55,517 --> 02:12:59,396 You know what I meant. Bottom line, that kid is a newbie. 2028 02:12:59,479 --> 02:13:01,899 He can't even admit to being gay. 2029 02:13:01,982 --> 02:13:04,902 What he needs right now are friends, not a boyfriend. 2030 02:13:06,653 --> 02:13:08,030 Where you goin'? 2031 02:13:08,113 --> 02:13:10,657 You're right. What he needs now are friends. 2032 02:13:15,829 --> 02:13:18,665 - He wants to sleep with him. - Thank you. 2033 02:13:24,046 --> 02:13:26,924 Hey, we're going to Jack's. It's one of our many losing traditions. 2034 02:13:27,007 --> 02:13:29,051 -Just fuck off. - You should come. 2035 02:13:29,134 --> 02:13:31,762 Everyone gets dumped first time around. 2036 02:13:31,845 --> 02:13:34,848 It's the rule of all newbie relationships. 2037 02:13:34,932 --> 02:13:38,185 What happens next? Do I become like you and your friends? 2038 02:13:38,268 --> 02:13:40,270 You don't even know my friends. 2039 02:13:40,354 --> 02:13:43,565 I know them well enough to know you're a bunch of bitter,jaded-- 2040 02:13:43,649 --> 02:13:45,901 Fags? Go ahead and say it. 2041 02:13:45,984 --> 02:13:48,028 - I wasn't going to say that. - You should. 2042 02:13:48,111 --> 02:13:50,531 Maybe then you'd be less afraid of what it means. 2043 02:13:53,784 --> 02:13:55,786 Why can't everything just slow down? 2044 02:13:55,869 --> 02:13:59,831 I promise it will, but you can't go back now. 2045 02:14:01,625 --> 02:14:04,211 At least go have a cup of coffee with me? 2046 02:14:06,213 --> 02:14:08,590 - One condition. - What? 2047 02:14:08,674 --> 02:14:10,592 West Hollywood's that way. 2048 02:14:12,302 --> 02:14:16,139 Show me one thing you find interesting that way. 2049 02:14:16,223 --> 02:14:19,059 - So you come here a lot? - You could say that. 2050 02:14:20,227 --> 02:14:22,354 In fact, next to Karen Carpenter... 2051 02:14:22,437 --> 02:14:24,815 this place is the closest thing to perfection I know. 2052 02:14:24,898 --> 02:14:27,192 The Carpenters? Now, that I get. 2053 02:14:27,234 --> 02:14:29,820 - You like the Carpenters? - Insanely. 2054 02:14:29,903 --> 02:14:32,739 Here's to your first O.G.T. 2055 02:14:32,781 --> 02:14:34,741 Obviously Gay Trait. 2056 02:14:34,783 --> 02:14:38,203 Mine are love of the Carpenters, culinary interests... 2057 02:14:38,245 --> 02:14:41,665 and intense fear of blood sports. 2058 02:14:41,748 --> 02:14:45,252 I don't get it. Why be friends with a group of people just because you're gay? 2059 02:14:45,335 --> 02:14:47,337 That's not why we're friends. 2060 02:14:47,421 --> 02:14:51,216 It may be why we became friends, but that's not why we're friends. 2061 02:14:53,427 --> 02:14:55,888 - Doesn't that drive you crazy? - Of course. 2062 02:14:55,929 --> 02:15:00,100 At least six times a year, I threaten to move to Europe like my brother did. 2063 02:15:00,184 --> 02:15:02,352 Only I wouldn't go for just a few months. I'd stay. 2064 02:15:02,436 --> 02:15:06,732 I'd bring my camera, finally take my time developing a photographer's eye. 2065 02:15:07,774 --> 02:15:09,735 Really find my voice. 2066 02:15:11,278 --> 02:15:13,447 Then something happens. 2067 02:15:13,530 --> 02:15:16,074 A birthday, summer parties... 2068 02:15:16,158 --> 02:15:18,577 Christmas, great night of dancing. 2069 02:15:18,619 --> 02:15:21,413 And I'm with them and... 2070 02:15:21,455 --> 02:15:25,042 suddenly I can't imagine being anywhere else. 2071 02:15:25,125 --> 02:15:27,044 So I stay. 2072 02:15:32,299 --> 02:15:34,593 Have you told anybody about what you're going through? 2073 02:15:34,635 --> 02:15:36,595 - A few people. - Like? 2074 02:15:38,096 --> 02:15:41,016 - My sister. - Ooh, that's worth at least ten points. 2075 02:15:41,099 --> 02:15:44,603 Yeah, it wasn't planned. I was home last Christmas, and she caught me. 2076 02:15:44,645 --> 02:15:47,105 - With a guy? - No, alone. 2077 02:15:47,147 --> 02:15:49,525 By myself, flying solo. 2078 02:15:49,608 --> 02:15:51,902 Ouch. To what, gay porn? 2079 02:15:51,985 --> 02:15:54,196 Oh, no. Worse than that. 2080 02:15:54,279 --> 02:15:56,990 An article on Antonio Sabato,Jr. 2081 02:15:57,032 --> 02:16:01,286 I thought my mom would be cooler. She was a '60s love child. 2082 02:16:01,328 --> 02:16:04,456 In high school, she caught me smoking pot with my friends. 2083 02:16:04,498 --> 02:16:07,251 All she said was, "I hope you didn't pay market for that." 2084 02:16:07,334 --> 02:16:11,505 But when I told her I was gay, she didn't talk to me for a month. 2085 02:16:11,547 --> 02:16:13,382 - How is she now? - Better. 2086 02:16:13,465 --> 02:16:16,134 Still refers to the homosexual population as "the gays"... 2087 02:16:16,176 --> 02:16:18,887 like they live on her block or somethin'. 2088 02:16:18,971 --> 02:16:22,057 " Dennis, I see the gays had a parade. Did you go?" 2089 02:16:23,559 --> 02:16:25,519 My dad would have been different. 2090 02:16:25,561 --> 02:16:28,605 - You didn't tell him? - He died before I told anyone. 2091 02:16:28,689 --> 02:16:31,066 My biggest regret: he died not knowing me. 2092 02:16:31,149 --> 02:16:34,319 You can't say that. Maybe he didn't know-- 2093 02:16:34,361 --> 02:16:36,405 He died not knowing me. 2094 02:16:41,076 --> 02:16:43,453 We want your sperm. We're not asking you to move in. 2095 02:16:43,537 --> 02:16:46,498 What about cousin Jeffrey? He's got our genes. He could donate. 2096 02:16:46,540 --> 02:16:49,168 Jeffrey's a Promise Keeper and a card-carrying member of the NRA. 2097 02:16:49,251 --> 02:16:51,837 He doesn't have any genes I'm interested in, Patrick. 2098 02:16:51,920 --> 02:16:54,006 I'm sorry. My answer still stands. 2099 02:16:54,089 --> 02:16:56,049 I told you we should have drugged him and jerked him off. 2100 02:16:56,091 --> 02:16:58,177 Drug me and jerk-- Do you hear this? 2101 02:16:58,260 --> 02:17:00,345 This is the woman that you want to become a mother with. 2102 02:17:00,429 --> 02:17:02,890 - She's being serious. - Okay. 2103 02:17:02,973 --> 02:17:05,267 You two want the truth? Here's the truth. 2104 02:17:05,350 --> 02:17:09,563 You guys can't keep a plant alive. How are you gonna take care of a child? 2105 02:17:09,646 --> 02:17:14,067 We haven't even discussed the realities of what this kid will have to deal with. 2106 02:17:15,569 --> 02:17:19,781 Are you prepared to answer, " Mom #1 , why is Mom #2's brother my father?" 2107 02:17:19,865 --> 02:17:23,535 Look at the three of us. What kind of Christmas card is this gonna make? 2108 02:17:23,577 --> 02:17:26,496 You know what? I don't have to listen to this. 2109 02:17:26,580 --> 02:17:30,083 I'm doing this for your sister because she wanted to involve you in this. 2110 02:17:30,167 --> 02:17:33,587 She had this funny idea that maybe if we did... 2111 02:17:33,629 --> 02:17:37,674 you'd get your shit together and start taking responsibility for your life. 2112 02:17:37,758 --> 02:17:39,676 But I can see that you'd rather not. 2113 02:17:39,760 --> 02:17:42,679 That's fine with me. I'm going to get the car. 2114 02:17:44,473 --> 02:17:47,684 Is that what this is about? Some sort of mission to save me? 2115 02:17:51,438 --> 02:17:53,690 Patrick, when you came out... 2116 02:17:53,774 --> 02:17:57,528 you said it was because you couldn't live the rest of your life in misery. 2117 02:17:59,655 --> 02:18:02,366 And I have never seen you more miserable. 2118 02:18:12,543 --> 02:18:16,088 I'm sorry, gentlemen, but the evidence is rudimentary. 2119 02:18:16,171 --> 02:18:18,340 There's not a single film in the cinema canon... 2120 02:18:18,423 --> 02:18:21,718 that paints a portrait of a gay man that any of us would aspire to be. 2121 02:18:21,802 --> 02:18:24,471 What are our options? Noble, suffering AI DS victims... 2122 02:18:24,513 --> 02:18:27,724 the friends of noble, suffering AI DS victims... 2123 02:18:27,808 --> 02:18:30,143 compulsive sex addicts, common street hustlers... 2124 02:18:30,227 --> 02:18:32,771 and the most recent addition to the lot... 2125 02:18:32,855 --> 02:18:35,023 stylish confidantes to lovelorn women. 2126 02:18:35,107 --> 02:18:38,777 Just once I'd like to see a gay character that is not sick... 2127 02:18:38,819 --> 02:18:43,448 has not been laid in about three months and is behind on his student loans. 2128 02:18:43,532 --> 02:18:45,617 And that's someone you would aspire to be. 2129 02:18:45,701 --> 02:18:47,661 At least they would be someone real. 2130 02:18:47,703 --> 02:18:51,498 Can you imagine if they made a film about us, our group of friends? 2131 02:18:51,582 --> 02:18:54,418 Maybe then we wouldn't have to shamefully compare ourselves... 2132 02:18:54,501 --> 02:18:57,087 to "Steel Magnolias." 2133 02:18:57,171 --> 02:18:59,590 He is so Sally Fields. 2134 02:18:59,673 --> 02:19:02,509 - I thought I was Sally Fields. - No, you're Shirley MacLaine. 2135 02:19:04,678 --> 02:19:06,513 Which one am I? 2136 02:19:06,555 --> 02:19:08,015 Julia Roberts. 2137 02:19:09,433 --> 02:19:11,351 For your nerves, honey. 2138 02:19:18,901 --> 02:19:21,361 What are you doing here? We agreed not to see each other in public. 2139 02:19:21,445 --> 02:19:24,364 - I said it was too hard. - I didn't know you were gonna be here. 2140 02:19:24,406 --> 02:19:26,783 We had a game today. We always come here after the game. 2141 02:19:26,867 --> 02:19:29,703 - I'm telling you, I forgot. - Whatever. 2142 02:19:31,371 --> 02:19:33,790 Since you're here, if you want to join us for a drink. 2143 02:19:34,875 --> 02:19:36,418 - I can't. - You can't? 2144 02:19:36,502 --> 02:19:38,378 I'm trying to tell you that I can't. 2145 02:19:38,420 --> 02:19:40,881 There are no tables available, so it might be a while. 2146 02:19:40,923 --> 02:19:44,176 Oh, it's too busy here, so we should probably go to the movie anyway. 2147 02:19:44,218 --> 02:19:45,677 Cool. 2148 02:19:56,396 --> 02:19:59,274 I didn't see you out there. 2149 02:19:59,358 --> 02:20:00,567 I came in the back. 2150 02:20:00,651 --> 02:20:04,613 I felt like an emergency piece of cobbler before I faced the crowd. 2151 02:20:04,696 --> 02:20:06,657 How'd it go with the girls? 2152 02:20:08,408 --> 02:20:10,577 It went. 2153 02:20:12,079 --> 02:20:14,331 I miss anything? 2154 02:20:14,414 --> 02:20:16,416 Same old song. 2155 02:20:16,500 --> 02:20:19,545 Howie was going on about gay cinema. 2156 02:20:19,628 --> 02:20:22,464 Sometimes I wonder what you boys would do if you weren't gay. 2157 02:20:22,548 --> 02:20:25,092 You'd have no identity. 2158 02:20:25,175 --> 02:20:28,762 It was easy when you couldn't talk about it. Now it's all you talk about. 2159 02:20:28,846 --> 02:20:31,682 You talk about it so much that sometimes you forget about... 2160 02:20:31,765 --> 02:20:33,851 all the other things that you are. 2161 02:20:35,102 --> 02:20:37,229 When I watch them, it feels so strange. 2162 02:20:37,312 --> 02:20:39,940 It's like I'm not even a part of it. 2163 02:20:40,023 --> 02:20:42,359 They're all so much more attractive than I am. 2164 02:20:44,069 --> 02:20:45,988 No. You know what? 2165 02:20:46,071 --> 02:20:48,073 I don't mind. Really, I don't. 2166 02:20:48,156 --> 02:20:50,325 I kind of like being attractive by association. 2167 02:20:50,409 --> 02:20:53,620 It's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling beautiful. 2168 02:20:55,247 --> 02:20:56,957 Help me put my dress on. 2169 02:20:57,040 --> 02:21:00,169 Jack, you're not going out in drag tonight. 2170 02:21:00,252 --> 02:21:02,254 It's Saturday. The crowd expects it. 2171 02:21:02,296 --> 02:21:05,716 The madness has got to stop. You don't even like wearing women's clothes. 2172 02:21:05,799 --> 02:21:06,717 So? 2173 02:21:06,800 --> 02:21:09,178 So it's a disgrace to drag performers everywhere. 2174 02:21:09,261 --> 02:21:11,263 Big fuckin' deal. 2175 02:21:11,305 --> 02:21:14,558 And it completely plays into the whole gay stereotype. 2176 02:21:14,641 --> 02:21:16,852 Again, big fucking deal. 2177 02:21:16,935 --> 02:21:19,396 And your tits are always crooked. 2178 02:21:20,147 --> 02:21:23,942 - No shit? Nobody ever told me that. - Well, they are. 2179 02:21:23,984 --> 02:21:25,819 Here, come here. 2180 02:21:35,078 --> 02:21:37,956 I've never felt a man up before. 2181 02:21:37,998 --> 02:21:39,333 There. That's-- 2182 02:21:39,416 --> 02:21:41,627 Okay. Zip me up, would you? 2183 02:21:45,339 --> 02:21:47,466 Oh, okay. All right. 2184 02:21:52,763 --> 02:21:55,724 Everybody can't be the same, Patrick. 2185 02:21:55,807 --> 02:21:57,726 Everybody can't be straight. 2186 02:21:57,809 --> 02:22:00,729 Everybody can't be beautiful. 2187 02:22:00,812 --> 02:22:03,273 Some people are just gay and average. 2188 02:22:08,153 --> 02:22:10,572 We're the strongest, I think. 2189 02:22:29,007 --> 02:22:32,427 Hello, boys! Hello. 2190 02:22:32,511 --> 02:22:37,266 I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to start two hours ago. 2191 02:22:37,349 --> 02:22:41,562 But you know what they say? Better latent than never. 2192 02:22:41,645 --> 02:22:44,690 So to start with, I'd like to do a little number... 2193 02:22:44,773 --> 02:22:47,067 from my first platinum album... 2194 02:22:47,109 --> 02:22:48,944 Color MeJack. 2195 02:22:51,405 --> 02:22:53,532 Hit it, honey. 2196 02:22:55,409 --> 02:22:59,621 Shall we join the ladies Yes, do, let's join the ladies 2197 02:22:59,705 --> 02:23:03,584 And make one great big lady 2198 02:23:07,421 --> 02:23:09,882 You sure you don't want to come in? 2199 02:23:09,965 --> 02:23:13,260 I do. I'm just not ready for it all yet. 2200 02:23:13,302 --> 02:23:16,096 - I have the same number as Cole. - Don't worry. 2201 02:23:16,180 --> 02:23:17,472 I'll call. 2202 02:23:17,556 --> 02:23:18,974 Okay. 2203 02:23:19,057 --> 02:23:20,184 Good night. 2204 02:23:23,854 --> 02:23:25,272 Bye. 2205 02:23:41,288 --> 02:23:45,125 Just checking a page. I'm betting it's the fireman. 2206 02:23:45,209 --> 02:23:47,669 Which, incidentally, would be record time. 2207 02:23:47,753 --> 02:23:51,006 Yeah, but I just wanted to apologize for earlier. 2208 02:23:51,089 --> 02:23:54,218 - About Kevin. - Oh, hey, no problem. 2209 02:23:56,094 --> 02:23:58,263 Holy shit. Holy shit. 2210 02:23:58,347 --> 02:24:00,516 - What is it? - No way. It's my agent. 2211 02:24:00,599 --> 02:24:02,684 What's he saying? 2212 02:24:02,768 --> 02:24:06,063 I got the part. I got the part in the movie. 2213 02:24:06,146 --> 02:24:08,482 - You're kidding me. - Oh, my God. 2214 02:24:08,524 --> 02:24:11,568 I leave in a week to shoot for a month in Phoenix. 2215 02:24:11,652 --> 02:24:13,737 Holy shit. I got the part in Kip Rogers' movie. 2216 02:24:13,820 --> 02:24:16,406 - I'll be in a movie with Kip Rogers. - This is incredible. 2217 02:24:16,490 --> 02:24:17,950 No kidding. 2218 02:24:17,991 --> 02:24:21,286 - It's a small part, but,Jesus Christ-- - I heard Kip Rogers was gay. 2219 02:24:21,328 --> 02:24:23,163 He's not gay. He's married. 2220 02:24:23,205 --> 02:24:25,415 I gotta tell the other guys. They're gonna freak. 2221 02:24:29,169 --> 02:24:33,757 Hey, listen. Tell the other hags I'm leaving. I'll see you tomorrow. 2222 02:24:33,841 --> 02:24:35,384 Where are you going? 2223 02:24:35,467 --> 02:24:37,344 To my sister's. 2224 02:24:37,386 --> 02:24:40,597 To see if it's not too late to change my mind about this whole baby thing. 2225 02:24:40,681 --> 02:24:43,433 - What happened? - Nothing. 2226 02:24:43,517 --> 02:24:47,312 Nothing ever happens. That's the whole point. 2227 02:25:04,204 --> 02:25:07,374 You scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here? 2228 02:25:07,457 --> 02:25:10,586 I think that it's great that you're dating again. 2229 02:25:12,045 --> 02:25:13,714 Yeah, it is. 2230 02:25:13,797 --> 02:25:17,885 And it's not that I'm giving you my approval, but I am approving. 2231 02:25:20,304 --> 02:25:23,015 - I'm going inside now. - Wait. Come on. 2232 02:25:23,056 --> 02:25:26,894 Let me just come inside, just for a minute. 2233 02:25:26,935 --> 02:25:28,896 Until you get off? 2234 02:25:28,937 --> 02:25:31,231 - That is not true. - No, no. 2235 02:25:31,315 --> 02:25:33,233 You'll be kind enough to share your latest theory... 2236 02:25:33,317 --> 02:25:36,153 on why Snagglepuss was the first openly gay cartoon character. 2237 02:25:36,236 --> 02:25:41,200 You know, if memory serves, it's your post-coital hashish bonfires... 2238 02:25:41,241 --> 02:25:44,995 - that sent me running. - That is such a convenient argument. 2239 02:25:45,078 --> 02:25:47,456 My pot smoking is the source of all our problems? 2240 02:25:47,539 --> 02:25:50,417 God forbid it was symptomatic of our fucked-up relationship. 2241 02:25:50,459 --> 02:25:53,795 I'm the one that studies relationships for a living. 2242 02:25:53,879 --> 02:25:56,590 - Ours was quite normal. - Normal? 2243 02:25:58,509 --> 02:26:02,429 When did you once express any physical affection outside of the bedroom? 2244 02:26:02,471 --> 02:26:05,933 Do you know Brian actually held my hand in public tonight? 2245 02:26:06,016 --> 02:26:09,478 Do you know what that's like to be with someone who's not terrified to do that? 2246 02:26:10,229 --> 02:26:14,942 You know, I congratulate Mr. Gorgeous on his issue-less existence. 2247 02:26:15,025 --> 02:26:17,194 So that's what this is about. 2248 02:26:18,612 --> 02:26:22,533 Brian's better-looking than you, so I matter again. 2249 02:26:23,617 --> 02:26:26,495 But if he was ugly, you wouldn't be here right now? Am I right? 2250 02:26:31,792 --> 02:26:33,669 Thanks for not answering that. 2251 02:26:37,798 --> 02:26:40,592 You know, Howie, I didn't ask for much from you... 2252 02:26:40,634 --> 02:26:44,638 but it would be nice if your attraction to me had something to do with me. 2253 02:26:55,399 --> 02:26:58,068 My ex is dating a print model. 2254 02:26:58,151 --> 02:27:01,196 A blond, goy print model named Brian. 2255 02:27:01,280 --> 02:27:03,782 Could that possibly hit on more of my issues? 2256 02:27:03,866 --> 02:27:05,951 He could have a big penis. 2257 02:27:05,993 --> 02:27:08,287 Which one of you hags suggested level eight? I'm dying. 2258 02:27:08,328 --> 02:27:10,956 - Let's bring it down to seven. - Six, and I pick up lunch. 2259 02:27:10,998 --> 02:27:13,000 It's a deal. Maybe he just wants to win you back. 2260 02:27:13,083 --> 02:27:17,129 That's not Marshall's m.o. Unlike me, he doesn't have a vengeful bone in him. 2261 02:27:17,212 --> 02:27:20,507 - Meanwhile-- - You have the oddest taste. 2262 02:27:20,549 --> 02:27:22,050 - Sue me. - I don't understand. 2263 02:27:22,134 --> 02:27:24,386 For months you've been guilty that you ended the relationship. 2264 02:27:24,469 --> 02:27:27,848 - He's moved on and you sound worse. - Because my guilt I can control. 2265 02:27:27,931 --> 02:27:31,351 It's my guilt. Jealousy is completely out of my hands. 2266 02:27:31,435 --> 02:27:34,897 I'm with Dennis. How can you be jealous about something that you gave up on? 2267 02:27:34,980 --> 02:27:36,857 I don't know. I just know that it's over... 2268 02:27:36,899 --> 02:27:39,359 and you won't catch me going through any mourning cycle. 2269 02:27:39,401 --> 02:27:41,528 Speaking of which, I haven't seen Princess Taylor all week. 2270 02:27:41,612 --> 02:27:44,489 He's been curled up on my couch, watching old Joan Crawford movies. 2271 02:27:44,531 --> 02:27:47,201 When I ask him what's wrong, he gives me this sinister look and mutters... 2272 02:27:47,284 --> 02:27:50,787 - " Phase five, phase five." - The revenge phase. 2273 02:27:50,871 --> 02:27:53,457 If I were you, I'd remove all sharp objects from the house. 2274 02:27:53,540 --> 02:27:56,960 Is that what they're teaching you in school these days, young Sigmund? 2275 02:27:57,044 --> 02:27:59,379 Guys, is that the girl from "Young and the Restless?" 2276 02:27:59,463 --> 02:28:01,215 I'm so over "Y&R." 2277 02:28:01,256 --> 02:28:04,843 You're excited for him to call, but you don't want to sleep with him? 2278 02:28:04,927 --> 02:28:07,095 Even if I wanted to sleep with him, I wouldn't. 2279 02:28:07,179 --> 02:28:09,723 - So you do want to sleep with him. - Why is it always about that? 2280 02:28:09,806 --> 02:28:12,059 Don't you see what happens to us? 2281 02:28:12,142 --> 02:28:15,854 We come out of the closet, we get our hearts stepped on like a Twister game... 2282 02:28:15,896 --> 02:28:18,357 and we become more bitter than we were in the closet. 2283 02:28:18,398 --> 02:28:21,902 The only thing keeping us from complete despair are the friendships we develop. 2284 02:28:21,985 --> 02:28:24,071 I just want him to see that before it's too late. 2285 02:28:24,154 --> 02:28:27,533 Before he becomes jaded, like us. 2286 02:28:27,574 --> 02:28:31,078 Interesting. What you're trying to do is save yourself by saving Kevin. 2287 02:28:31,161 --> 02:28:33,247 - It's classic projection. - You haven't answered my question. 2288 02:28:33,330 --> 02:28:36,375 - No, I don't want to sleep with him. - Bullshit. 2289 02:28:38,335 --> 02:28:41,046 - Benji's talking to Idaho guy. - Who's that? 2290 02:28:41,088 --> 02:28:43,757 Idaho Guy is Benji's newest crush. 2291 02:28:43,841 --> 02:28:46,593 He's been strategically working out near him for weeks... 2292 02:28:46,677 --> 02:28:48,595 in hopes that Idaho Guy would notice. 2293 02:28:48,679 --> 02:28:52,099 Why do you call him Idaho Guy? 2294 02:28:52,140 --> 02:28:55,143 I don't know. He just kind of looks like he's from Idaho. 2295 02:28:55,227 --> 02:28:57,896 It's not really one of our better ones. 2296 02:28:57,938 --> 02:28:59,273 I'm freaking out. 2297 02:28:59,356 --> 02:29:03,110 I was in the middle of my squats and he comes over and just gives me these tips. 2298 02:29:03,151 --> 02:29:06,613 Is that like fate or what? Maybe I should get his number. 2299 02:29:06,655 --> 02:29:10,117 No way, little Benjamin. Gym bunnies make a bad name for all of us. 2300 02:29:10,200 --> 02:29:12,786 Their lives revolve around sex and protein shakes. 2301 02:29:12,870 --> 02:29:14,371 And cat tranquilizers. 2302 02:29:14,454 --> 02:29:18,417 If you intend on experiencing the joys of a bitter, codependent relationship... 2303 02:29:18,500 --> 02:29:20,085 it won't be with a gym bunny. 2304 02:29:20,169 --> 02:29:22,671 I don't care. I'm going back over there. 2305 02:29:22,754 --> 02:29:27,050 Hi. I turned around and you were gone. I wanted to give you this. 2306 02:29:28,468 --> 02:29:30,179 It's my number. 2307 02:29:31,096 --> 02:29:33,807 Give me a call if you want. 2308 02:29:35,517 --> 02:29:36,977 Yeah, definitely. 2309 02:29:37,060 --> 02:29:38,979 That'll be cool. 2310 02:30:02,836 --> 02:30:05,005 It's no improvement. 2311 02:30:05,088 --> 02:30:07,508 I didn't pack a jacket. 2312 02:30:07,549 --> 02:30:09,593 I hope Phoenix doesn't get cold at night. 2313 02:30:09,676 --> 02:30:11,428 Should we call a doctor? 2314 02:30:17,309 --> 02:30:20,687 He'll be all right. Just as long as he doesn't start boiling any rabbits. 2315 02:30:24,316 --> 02:30:26,485 You know what? I almost forgot to tell you. 2316 02:30:26,527 --> 02:30:28,737 That Kevin kid called while you were at the gym. 2317 02:30:28,820 --> 02:30:31,281 - He did? - He said to call him back. 2318 02:30:31,365 --> 02:30:34,243 Sounded kind of cold, though. I hope he doesn't still hate me. 2319 02:30:34,326 --> 02:30:35,827 They never still hate you. 2320 02:30:36,995 --> 02:30:39,706 It's funny, isn't it? I'd hate me. 2321 02:30:39,790 --> 02:30:43,961 Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'd hate you too. 2322 02:30:44,044 --> 02:30:46,588 - Good luck. - Thank you very much. 2323 02:31:05,983 --> 02:31:09,361 - "What is taking him so long?" - I don't know. 2324 02:31:12,614 --> 02:31:15,075 It'll just be another minute more. I had to make a phone call. 2325 02:31:15,158 --> 02:31:18,620 A phone call? I knew he was gonna pull some shit. 2326 02:31:18,704 --> 02:31:21,206 - Patrick, what happened? - I couldn't do it. 2327 02:31:21,290 --> 02:31:25,627 - I need material. - They don't have material? 2328 02:31:25,711 --> 02:31:29,006 Well, the whole "Hustler" oeuvre isn't exactly helping my cause right now. 2329 02:31:30,299 --> 02:31:33,760 Oh, my God. It's embarrassing to even be seen in here. 2330 02:31:33,844 --> 02:31:36,638 - Did you bring the stash? - You owe me so big for this, hag. 2331 02:31:36,722 --> 02:31:39,224 You know my issues with buying porno. 2332 02:31:42,853 --> 02:31:44,271 Hurry up! 2333 02:31:53,739 --> 02:31:57,117 - Hey, sorry I'm late. - Oh, no, it's cool. 2334 02:31:58,827 --> 02:32:00,787 Crank it. 2335 02:32:14,218 --> 02:32:16,803 Call it crazy, but I have this theory. 2336 02:32:16,887 --> 02:32:19,306 Bear with me. 2337 02:32:19,389 --> 02:32:21,433 I believe that there are gay numbers. 2338 02:32:23,977 --> 02:32:26,146 - Gay numbers? - Yeah. 2339 02:32:26,230 --> 02:32:29,358 Have you ever given thought to the number 38? 2340 02:32:43,330 --> 02:32:46,166 I've seen this sort of thing before, Detective. 2341 02:32:46,250 --> 02:32:49,795 The victim in the Miranda case was done the exact same way. 2342 02:32:49,878 --> 02:32:53,048 Cut. That was perfect. Print. 2343 02:33:22,995 --> 02:33:25,706 I was so glad that Sharon set us up. 2344 02:33:25,789 --> 02:33:29,293 She mentioned you at her last cleaning, but she said you were involved. 2345 02:33:30,627 --> 02:33:34,464 - I used to be. - Well, I know how that goes. 2346 02:33:34,548 --> 02:33:38,010 I was in this long-term relationship with this guy once for five months. 2347 02:33:38,051 --> 02:33:41,597 Five months and he broke up with me. He broke up with me. 2348 02:33:41,680 --> 02:33:45,350 He said I talk too much. Is that not the most ridiculous thing you've heard? 2349 02:33:45,434 --> 02:33:47,394 'Cause I'm all about listening. 2350 02:34:14,254 --> 02:34:17,758 I know what you're thinking. Why would a gay man wanna be a gyno? 2351 02:34:17,841 --> 02:34:20,719 I mean, most gay men can't even say the word "vagina"... 2352 02:34:20,761 --> 02:34:23,055 let alone stare at them all day long. 2353 02:34:23,096 --> 02:34:26,099 But it never really bothered me. I mean, it's just a word, right? 2354 02:34:26,183 --> 02:34:28,727 Vagina, vagina, vagina. 2355 02:34:30,687 --> 02:34:32,689 It's just a word, right? 2356 02:34:32,773 --> 02:34:35,400 I'll tell you the word that sort of does get me, though. 2357 02:34:35,484 --> 02:34:36,944 Clitoris. 2358 02:34:49,873 --> 02:34:51,375 Why am I shaking? 2359 02:34:51,458 --> 02:34:53,544 It's your first gay club. You should be nervous. 2360 02:34:53,627 --> 02:34:56,129 If anybody attacks you, just tell them you're with me. 2361 02:34:56,213 --> 02:34:59,007 Nice to see you again. Things are better with the breakup, I take it? 2362 02:34:59,091 --> 02:35:00,717 - Breakup? - With Paul? 2363 02:35:00,801 --> 02:35:02,135 Paul who? 2364 02:35:02,177 --> 02:35:04,263 It's phase six. 2365 02:35:04,304 --> 02:35:06,849 It's denial. 2366 02:35:06,932 --> 02:35:08,016 Wow. 2367 02:35:24,366 --> 02:35:26,159 Oh, my God. 2368 02:35:26,243 --> 02:35:28,161 I've been looking for you guys all night. 2369 02:35:28,245 --> 02:35:31,206 - You want a drink? - No. I have water here somewhere. 2370 02:35:31,290 --> 02:35:33,917 - Where's Idaho Guy? - Where's this new boyfriend of yours? 2371 02:35:34,001 --> 02:35:35,586 Dance floor. 2372 02:35:35,669 --> 02:35:38,213 You guys, everybody's here. Come on. Come and dance. 2373 02:35:38,297 --> 02:35:40,966 Fly, young one. Fly like the wind. 2374 02:35:41,008 --> 02:35:42,968 Come on. Dance with your mama. 2375 02:35:44,761 --> 02:35:48,432 - So what do you think? Ecstasy? - I don't know. Probably K. 2376 02:35:48,515 --> 02:35:50,017 Should we talk to him? 2377 02:35:50,100 --> 02:35:52,352 They said, finishing their fourth shot. 2378 02:35:52,436 --> 02:35:54,646 We've all messed around with stuff and you know it. 2379 02:35:54,688 --> 02:35:56,815 He's just having a good time. Let's go dance. 2380 02:35:56,857 --> 02:35:59,526 Dance? We're here to attract men, remember? 2381 02:35:59,610 --> 02:36:01,695 Speak for yourself. This body wants to groove. 2382 02:36:01,778 --> 02:36:03,197 Come on. 2383 02:36:04,406 --> 02:36:06,950 Howie? Howie Mixner? 2384 02:36:07,034 --> 02:36:10,078 Barry. We had dinner a few weeks ago? 2385 02:37:06,552 --> 02:37:08,303 I got one. 2386 02:37:08,387 --> 02:37:12,266 Who would you kick out of bed? Morley Safer or Mike Wallace? 2387 02:37:12,349 --> 02:37:16,061 Okay, I believe this requires a daiquiri break. 2388 02:37:16,103 --> 02:37:18,939 - I'd say Safer. - Safer all the way. 2389 02:37:19,022 --> 02:37:22,818 But I would kick them both out of bed for Ed Bradley circa 1 980. 2390 02:37:22,901 --> 02:37:26,321 I'd kick Wallace. He always annoyed me. 2391 02:37:26,405 --> 02:37:27,698 Who's got the 30? 2392 02:37:27,781 --> 02:37:31,785 - What are you doing outside? - I'm getting base. 2393 02:37:31,869 --> 02:37:34,997 It's July 4. You don't have a base yet? 2394 02:37:35,080 --> 02:37:37,124 Have you heard from the movie star yet? 2395 02:37:37,207 --> 02:37:39,334 He only called once all month. I missed it. 2396 02:37:39,418 --> 02:37:41,795 He's too busy getting shtupped by Kip Rogers. 2397 02:37:41,879 --> 02:37:43,797 When will you guys get over the fact that just because... 2398 02:37:43,881 --> 02:37:46,633 every gay man in America wants Kip Rogers to be gay... 2399 02:37:46,675 --> 02:37:48,760 that doesn't mean he is gay. 2400 02:37:48,844 --> 02:37:51,013 You know what? I should get going. 2401 02:37:51,096 --> 02:37:53,765 - You're not staying for the party? - I gotta make an appearance... 2402 02:37:53,807 --> 02:37:55,767 at my parent's barbecue. 2403 02:37:59,479 --> 02:38:01,190 - Have fun. - Bye. 2404 02:38:01,273 --> 02:38:03,734 - I've got another one. - Who would you kick out of bed? 2405 02:38:03,817 --> 02:38:05,777 The Grimace or the Hamburglar? 2406 02:38:05,861 --> 02:38:07,821 - Oh, my God. - What? 2407 02:38:07,905 --> 02:38:10,824 - That's a good one. - Homo say what? 2408 02:38:11,658 --> 02:38:13,368 Homo say bad party lighting. 2409 02:38:14,620 --> 02:38:16,079 Get out. 2410 02:38:20,083 --> 02:38:23,128 - Did you lock the door? - I don't remember. 2411 02:38:23,170 --> 02:38:25,839 Shit. One second! 2412 02:38:36,183 --> 02:38:37,392 Yeah? 2413 02:38:37,476 --> 02:38:39,645 - You're going to shoot in five. - Terrific. 2414 02:38:39,728 --> 02:38:43,649 - All right. Cappuccino? - No, no. No, thank you. 2415 02:38:43,690 --> 02:38:46,026 - I'll see you out there. - Okay. All right. 2416 02:38:55,619 --> 02:38:58,580 - That was close. - A little too close. 2417 02:39:02,709 --> 02:39:04,294 I have to cancel tonight. 2418 02:39:04,378 --> 02:39:07,339 My publicist wants me to do this "Access Hollywood" interview. 2419 02:39:07,422 --> 02:39:10,008 Today's my last day of shooting. I leave tomorrow. 2420 02:39:10,092 --> 02:39:13,178 - What would you like me to do? - Cancel it. 2421 02:39:13,262 --> 02:39:15,389 - Tell them you can't do it. - With what excuse? 2422 02:39:15,472 --> 02:39:18,934 "Sorry. I have dinner plans with the pretty boy extra I'm sleeping with." 2423 02:39:20,018 --> 02:39:22,896 - I'm not an extra. - That's not what I meant. 2424 02:39:22,980 --> 02:39:25,232 They have me shooting here for four weeks. 2425 02:39:25,274 --> 02:39:28,777 My part is integral to the plot. I have seven lines of dialogue. 2426 02:39:28,861 --> 02:39:31,905 - I'm not a fucking extra. - Okay, okay. 2427 02:39:31,989 --> 02:39:34,283 I'm sorry I called you an extra. 2428 02:39:36,201 --> 02:39:39,621 I'll make it up to you. I'll fly into L.A. this weekend. 2429 02:39:39,705 --> 02:39:42,583 We'll go somewhere discreet for dinner. 2430 02:39:42,666 --> 02:39:45,085 - All right? - Okay. 2431 02:39:46,420 --> 02:39:47,880 Good. 2432 02:39:50,424 --> 02:39:54,052 Wait about ten minutes. Make sure no one sees you before you leave. 2433 02:40:08,525 --> 02:40:11,695 Hey, having fun? Good. 2434 02:40:18,785 --> 02:40:21,330 Hey, there you are. 2435 02:40:21,413 --> 02:40:23,665 How you doing? 2436 02:40:25,250 --> 02:40:27,169 Everything all right? 2437 02:40:29,087 --> 02:40:31,715 What happened? 2438 02:40:35,636 --> 02:40:37,179 You told your parents. 2439 02:40:37,971 --> 02:40:39,306 Just kind of slipped out. 2440 02:40:39,389 --> 02:40:43,810 The three of us were in the kitchen, helping them with dessert... 2441 02:40:43,852 --> 02:40:47,314 and my mom mentioned that she'd made key lime pie. 2442 02:40:48,357 --> 02:40:52,152 I said, "That's great. I love key lime pie, and I'm gay." 2443 02:40:53,445 --> 02:40:55,531 I bet she wishes she'd made apple pie. 2444 02:40:59,952 --> 02:41:01,495 They were great, Dennis. 2445 02:41:01,578 --> 02:41:05,332 And then I started thinking, why was I so scared to tell them? 2446 02:41:05,374 --> 02:41:08,460 Why was I so scared to tell everyone? 2447 02:41:09,503 --> 02:41:13,131 - If I hadn't met you-- - Oh, I didn't do anything. 2448 02:42:00,012 --> 02:42:01,555 Morning. 2449 02:42:05,976 --> 02:42:08,562 We're gonna be late for the game. 2450 02:42:15,903 --> 02:42:20,574 Once more unto the breach, dear lads! Once more! 2451 02:42:23,911 --> 02:42:26,997 It's the height of irony, really. 2452 02:42:27,080 --> 02:42:30,167 Here we are, bottom of the ninth. Three men on. Two outs. 2453 02:42:30,250 --> 02:42:32,002 Our least able player stepping up to bat. 2454 02:42:32,085 --> 02:42:34,838 We're either one hit away from our first victory ever... 2455 02:42:34,922 --> 02:42:40,010 or three strikes away from going down as the worst softball team in history. 2456 02:42:40,093 --> 02:42:42,513 If we could just get him to hit it to left field. 2457 02:42:42,596 --> 02:42:46,225 The sad thing is, he catches so much better than I do. 2458 02:42:49,686 --> 02:42:52,439 Come on, Taylor. You can do it. Come on. 2459 02:43:10,582 --> 02:43:12,501 Attaboy! 2460 02:43:16,380 --> 02:43:18,924 Sweet are the uses of adversity. 2461 02:43:54,418 --> 02:43:57,504 "Sweet are the uses of adversity... 2462 02:43:57,588 --> 02:44:01,550 which, like the toad, ugly and venomous... 2463 02:44:01,633 --> 02:44:04,928 wears yet a precious jewel in his head. 2464 02:44:05,012 --> 02:44:07,514 And this is our life... 2465 02:44:07,598 --> 02:44:10,142 exempt from public haunt... 2466 02:44:10,225 --> 02:44:13,437 finds tongues and trees... 2467 02:44:13,520 --> 02:44:16,148 books in running brooks... 2468 02:44:16,190 --> 02:44:18,817 sermons in stones... 2469 02:44:18,859 --> 02:44:22,196 and good in everything." 2470 02:44:22,237 --> 02:44:24,615 Jack was a Shakespeare fan. 2471 02:44:24,698 --> 02:44:28,785 That passage from "As You Like It" was his favorite. 2472 02:44:28,869 --> 02:44:31,914 He would've wanted me to share it with you today. 2473 02:44:33,040 --> 02:44:36,460 Other than that, I'm not good with words. 2474 02:44:36,543 --> 02:44:37,669 That was Jack. 2475 02:44:42,216 --> 02:44:45,093 I'll just play something. 2476 02:44:45,177 --> 02:44:48,847 Hopefully, wherever Jack is... 2477 02:44:48,931 --> 02:44:51,141 he'll sing along. 2478 02:45:04,738 --> 02:45:06,698 That's what Jack saw in him. 2479 02:45:27,010 --> 02:45:29,847 - So where's Brian? - Getting the car. 2480 02:45:36,186 --> 02:45:38,105 You look terrific. 2481 02:45:41,316 --> 02:45:45,612 You don't have to say anything just because I'm standing in front of you. 2482 02:45:45,696 --> 02:45:48,532 I'm not just saying. 2483 02:45:50,075 --> 02:45:51,952 Thank you. 2484 02:45:54,454 --> 02:45:56,874 I quit smoking pot. 2485 02:45:56,957 --> 02:46:00,419 It's not 'cause we're not dating. No, it's not because of Brian. I just-- 2486 02:46:02,254 --> 02:46:04,631 It was just time. 2487 02:46:05,924 --> 02:46:09,803 It's weird how you can need something for so long and then just... 2488 02:46:09,887 --> 02:46:11,388 not need it anymore. 2489 02:46:11,471 --> 02:46:13,390 Just like that. 2490 02:46:29,781 --> 02:46:33,368 It's so weird, you know. It's like he's still here. 2491 02:46:34,161 --> 02:46:37,039 You're on something right now, aren't you? 2492 02:46:37,122 --> 02:46:41,043 - Excuse me? - You show up late. You look like shit. 2493 02:46:41,126 --> 02:46:43,962 - What did that boyfriend give you? - He didn't give me anything. 2494 02:46:44,004 --> 02:46:46,632 I look like shit because I've been crying for the last two days. 2495 02:46:46,673 --> 02:46:49,176 Unlike you, who has yet to shed a tear, you fucking asshole. 2496 02:46:49,259 --> 02:46:51,970 - He wants to make sure you're okay. - We all do. 2497 02:46:52,012 --> 02:46:54,348 That's crap. Since I've have a boyfriend none of you guys even call. 2498 02:46:54,431 --> 02:46:57,601 - You stopped calling us. - That is such bullshit. 2499 02:46:57,684 --> 02:47:01,063 Admit that you don't talk to me because I'm in a relationship and you're not. 2500 02:47:01,146 --> 02:47:03,398 You're a muscle boy's plaything for a couple of weeks. 2501 02:47:03,482 --> 02:47:05,567 That hardly constitutes a relationship. 2502 02:47:05,651 --> 02:47:08,445 That is more than you've ever had, you ugly fuck. 2503 02:47:12,908 --> 02:47:15,369 His friends... 2504 02:47:15,410 --> 02:47:17,371 they're not like us. 2505 02:47:17,454 --> 02:47:21,083 When they go out, when they're together, they're happy. 2506 02:47:21,166 --> 02:47:23,627 We're always so miserable. 2507 02:47:23,710 --> 02:47:27,047 We make each other miserable. 2508 02:47:27,089 --> 02:47:29,550 Why? 2509 02:47:29,591 --> 02:47:31,760 Is it such a bad thing to be happy? 2510 02:47:31,844 --> 02:47:34,763 It is if you have to pay 30 bucks a tab for it, yeah. 2511 02:47:41,436 --> 02:47:44,481 - What did I miss? - You don't even wanna know. 2512 02:47:44,565 --> 02:47:48,151 Just spoke to Purple Guy. He said he'll meet us at the bar. 2513 02:47:48,235 --> 02:47:51,780 I can't go. I'm supposed to have dinner with some people from the film. 2514 02:47:51,864 --> 02:47:54,658 - Maybe I'll catch up after. - Yeah. 2515 02:47:56,368 --> 02:47:58,787 I'm not gonna go either. I'm gonna go home. 2516 02:47:58,871 --> 02:48:01,123 I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. 2517 02:48:12,467 --> 02:48:14,261 You should go with them. 2518 02:48:14,303 --> 02:48:16,597 I thought maybe we could talk about the other night. 2519 02:48:16,638 --> 02:48:20,767 - We haven't really discussed-- - Now's not a good time. 2520 02:48:20,851 --> 02:48:23,812 - Could you tell me when is? - I don't know. But not here, not now. 2521 02:48:24,771 --> 02:48:27,482 You've barely even looked at me since the other night. 2522 02:48:27,566 --> 02:48:29,276 You've spent all week hiding behind this funeral. 2523 02:48:29,359 --> 02:48:32,112 Hiding? Is that what you think I've been doing? 2524 02:48:32,196 --> 02:48:34,531 Can you even imagine whatJack meant to me? To us? 2525 02:48:34,615 --> 02:48:38,076 No, you can't. You can't know. 2526 02:48:38,160 --> 02:48:40,495 So don't tell me I've been hiding. 2527 02:48:40,579 --> 02:48:43,540 All we did was hook up. It's not that big a deal. 2528 02:48:43,624 --> 02:48:45,209 We can talk about it later. 2529 02:48:46,043 --> 02:48:49,588 You're right. It's not a big deal. 2530 02:48:49,630 --> 02:48:52,299 All we did was hook up. 2531 02:51:58,193 --> 02:52:00,153 Yeah, this is he. 2532 02:52:00,195 --> 02:52:01,655 What? 2533 02:52:02,948 --> 02:52:04,199 Jesus! 2534 02:52:07,077 --> 02:52:08,996 Benji Waters? 2535 02:52:37,858 --> 02:52:39,985 I just got the page. How is he? 2536 02:52:40,027 --> 02:52:42,529 They pumped his stomach. We're waiting for him to wake up. 2537 02:52:42,613 --> 02:52:45,741 - Can I see him? - Only one person at a time can go in. 2538 02:52:45,824 --> 02:52:47,826 - Patrick's in there right now. - How did this happen? 2539 02:52:47,910 --> 02:52:50,495 - How the fuck could this happen? - Isn't it obvious? 2540 02:52:51,371 --> 02:52:53,332 We weren't there. 2541 02:52:54,750 --> 02:52:58,212 Did you two come together? I think that's cute. 2542 02:53:00,464 --> 02:53:01,924 What is his problem? 2543 02:53:03,175 --> 02:53:05,802 Him and Kevin slept together last week. 2544 02:53:05,886 --> 02:53:09,473 You, Senor Disheveled, obviously came from sleeping with Kevin yourself. 2545 02:53:09,556 --> 02:53:12,518 - Are the clouds lifting? - You guys, I didn't know. 2546 02:53:12,601 --> 02:53:15,229 I've been away all month. Why didn't you tell me something? 2547 02:53:15,312 --> 02:53:17,606 - You could help me out. - It was a secret. 2548 02:53:18,357 --> 02:53:19,733 Terrific. 2549 02:53:19,775 --> 02:53:24,863 The one time you bastards actually keep a secret is the one time it matters. 2550 02:53:24,905 --> 02:53:26,323 Now I feel like shit. 2551 02:53:26,406 --> 02:53:30,118 I think that's a scientific impossibility. 2552 02:53:32,829 --> 02:53:35,249 - I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't be. 2553 02:53:35,332 --> 02:53:37,251 I slept with Cole to get back at you. 2554 02:53:37,334 --> 02:53:40,254 You did exactly what you're supposed to when you're 23 and just out the closet. 2555 02:53:40,337 --> 02:53:42,297 And you did it because I was an asshole. 2556 02:53:42,381 --> 02:53:44,383 It doesn't matter. I was wrong. 2557 02:53:44,466 --> 02:53:46,927 No, Kevin. I was wrong. 2558 02:53:47,010 --> 02:53:50,430 When I slept with you, I knew it couldn't lead to a relationship. 2559 02:53:50,514 --> 02:53:53,851 And if there was anything I've been trying to change lately about myself... 2560 02:53:55,602 --> 02:53:57,604 well, that would be it. 2561 02:53:57,688 --> 02:53:59,898 So what, you're not attracted to me? 2562 02:53:59,982 --> 02:54:04,403 Or course I am. I've been crazy about you ever since you lit the damn candles. 2563 02:54:10,450 --> 02:54:14,413 - You were the wish. - So what's the problem? 2564 02:54:16,456 --> 02:54:19,835 The problem is that I'm not ready for it. 2565 02:54:19,918 --> 02:54:22,588 I thought that... 2566 02:54:22,629 --> 02:54:25,966 all a relationship would take was meeting the right person... 2567 02:54:26,008 --> 02:54:28,135 but it's so much more than that. 2568 02:54:28,218 --> 02:54:30,179 Like what? 2569 02:54:30,262 --> 02:54:34,683 Like the fact that I'm 28 years old and the only thing I'm good at is being gay. 2570 02:54:35,475 --> 02:54:38,103 - That's not true. - It is true. 2571 02:54:38,145 --> 02:54:41,148 And I'm okay with it. 2572 02:54:41,190 --> 02:54:45,277 I didn't get to be gay for 25 years. I figured I got some catching up to do. 2573 02:54:48,405 --> 02:54:50,324 But I need to move on. 2574 02:54:50,407 --> 02:54:53,452 I need to make my life into something else... 2575 02:54:54,745 --> 02:54:58,874 instead of just my friends and the parties. 2576 02:54:58,957 --> 02:55:03,754 That's the only way I'll have something to give back to someone. 2577 02:55:07,424 --> 02:55:09,468 Do you see that? 2578 02:55:12,095 --> 02:55:14,014 Tell me you see that. 2579 02:55:14,848 --> 02:55:16,892 Can't you move on with someone there? 2580 02:55:17,976 --> 02:55:21,063 Not if that someone has a lot of catching up to do. 2581 02:55:43,669 --> 02:55:45,128 Hey, guys. 2582 02:55:45,212 --> 02:55:47,047 Hey, hag. 2583 02:55:47,089 --> 02:55:49,550 Why'd you go and do a thing like that for? 2584 02:55:49,591 --> 02:55:50,968 I'm sorry, guys. 2585 02:55:52,386 --> 02:55:55,514 - I'm sorry, Patrick. - Hey, I'm sorry too. 2586 02:55:58,433 --> 02:56:01,103 I am so Demi Moore in "St. Elmo's" right now. 2587 02:56:02,271 --> 02:56:05,065 You can be Demi Moore. Just as long as I'm not Ally Sheedy. 2588 02:56:05,148 --> 02:56:09,486 - I get to be Mare Winningham. - Nobody's gonna fight you on that one. 2589 02:56:10,404 --> 02:56:13,323 - Which one do I get to be? - Rob Lowe. 2590 02:56:16,827 --> 02:56:19,246 'Cause you're just so damn cute. 2591 02:56:19,288 --> 02:56:21,248 You can't help yourself. 2592 02:56:35,762 --> 02:56:38,473 Marshall, I don't care if you're not alone. 2593 02:56:40,309 --> 02:56:42,269 Marshall, open up. 2594 02:56:46,732 --> 02:56:49,484 What the hell are you doing? 2595 02:56:49,568 --> 02:56:51,028 This. 2596 02:56:51,111 --> 02:56:55,449 - All right, that's it, asshole. - Brian. Please, get inside. 2597 02:57:01,246 --> 02:57:04,791 You told me once that you were waiting for me to wake up. 2598 02:57:04,875 --> 02:57:08,253 You didn't wait long enough. 2599 02:57:08,295 --> 02:57:10,631 I've never been more awake than I am right now. 2600 02:57:11,798 --> 02:57:14,927 And I admit it. I fucked up. No matter who you were... 2601 02:57:15,010 --> 02:57:18,430 there would've been something wrong with you and someone better out there. 2602 02:57:19,890 --> 02:57:22,267 And I wish that I could change that. 2603 02:57:22,309 --> 02:57:26,021 I wish I could take back all the times that I didn't appreciate having you. 2604 02:57:26,104 --> 02:57:28,649 But I'll tell you right now... 2605 02:57:28,732 --> 02:57:30,651 I loved you. 2606 02:57:32,402 --> 02:57:36,073 I still love you. And it has nothing to do with me. 2607 02:57:36,156 --> 02:57:38,867 It has nothing to do with how good-looking he is. 2608 02:57:38,951 --> 02:57:42,496 It has to do with you. 2609 02:57:42,579 --> 02:57:46,250 Because you are sweet, you're endearing and... 2610 02:57:47,543 --> 02:57:49,670 uncomplicated. 2611 02:57:49,753 --> 02:57:52,172 And you're so beautiful. 2612 02:57:52,256 --> 02:57:56,176 I hope that you're happy together. I hope that this... 2613 02:57:57,511 --> 02:58:01,014 works out and that he is everything that you need... 2614 02:58:01,098 --> 02:58:03,016 because you deserve it. 2615 02:58:03,100 --> 02:58:07,145 But if he's not and it ends, I'll be there. 2616 02:58:09,940 --> 02:58:12,985 It's my turn to wait, and I'm going to wait long enough. 2617 02:58:37,217 --> 02:58:39,761 - "You really don't need to be here." - "Okay, I'm here..." 2618 02:58:39,845 --> 02:58:42,014 because Anne had a showing and she asked me to be here... 2619 02:58:42,097 --> 02:58:45,225 and because the baby book said this is an emotional event. 2620 02:58:45,309 --> 02:58:48,353 And no matter how tough you think you are, you might need somebody. 2621 02:58:48,437 --> 02:58:51,481 - Is this ready yet? - No. It takes a second to come through. 2622 02:58:51,565 --> 02:58:54,693 Why don't you just sit down and let the man do his job? 2623 02:58:54,735 --> 02:58:58,238 - Why don't you bite me? - Why don't you suck my left tit? 2624 02:58:58,322 --> 02:59:00,365 - If I sucked tits-- - Excuse me. 2625 02:59:01,325 --> 02:59:03,619 It's ready now. 2626 02:59:07,414 --> 02:59:08,582 That's the baby. 2627 02:59:25,933 --> 02:59:29,269 Miss Thing, where have you been? I have a full restaurant. I'm a waiter short. 2628 02:59:29,311 --> 02:59:31,063 I was at the closing on my house. I'm sorry. 2629 02:59:31,146 --> 02:59:33,899 Sorry don't feed the bulldog, sugar. Get your apron on. 2630 02:59:33,941 --> 02:59:37,569 Question. How much does Purple Guy pay you to be such a bitch? 2631 02:59:37,611 --> 02:59:41,490 It's your last night, hag. So you don't have to worry about that now, do you? 2632 02:59:43,825 --> 02:59:46,286 Surprise! 2633 03:00:22,614 --> 03:00:25,576 I had forgotten Dennis knew this many meanwhiles. 2634 03:00:25,659 --> 03:00:28,245 I know. They're from all of his house parties. 2635 03:00:28,328 --> 03:00:31,498 So, did Leslie tell you? We saw the baby. 2636 03:00:31,582 --> 03:00:36,920 Oh, that is so cool. So is it a Patricia or a Patrick,Jr.? 2637 03:00:37,004 --> 03:00:38,922 It's a Jack. 2638 03:00:40,132 --> 03:00:42,759 I'm an actor. I just shot this film with Kip Rogers. 2639 03:00:42,843 --> 03:00:45,387 Kip Rogers. Wow. 2640 03:00:45,470 --> 03:00:47,389 I hear he's gay. 2641 03:00:47,472 --> 03:00:49,683 No, he's not gay. He's married. 2642 03:00:49,766 --> 03:00:52,311 Okay, so check this shit out. 2643 03:00:52,352 --> 03:00:54,563 Paul called me. 2644 03:00:54,646 --> 03:00:57,941 He said he wants to talk. He said he misses me, but just as a friend. 2645 03:00:58,025 --> 03:01:00,485 This is a good thing. It allows you the perfect opportunity... 2646 03:01:00,569 --> 03:01:03,906 for the final phase of all relationships: reconciliation. 2647 03:01:03,989 --> 03:01:07,242 Try closure. I told that bitch to fuck off. 2648 03:01:07,326 --> 03:01:10,454 Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in traffic on the 405. 2649 03:01:10,537 --> 03:01:15,042 I told you not to take the freeways. L.A. is all about the side streets. 2650 03:01:19,713 --> 03:01:22,132 It's for Europe. It's a carrying case for your camera. 2651 03:01:22,216 --> 03:01:24,259 Look, got your initials on it. 2652 03:01:29,598 --> 03:01:32,684 I saw that guy you came with. He's cute. 2653 03:01:32,726 --> 03:01:35,354 Whatever. We met at a club a few weeks ago. 2654 03:01:35,395 --> 03:01:37,731 - You know how it is. - Oh, yeah, I do. 2655 03:01:40,192 --> 03:01:41,485 I'll be back. 2656 03:01:42,486 --> 03:01:43,737 I'll be here. 2657 03:01:45,322 --> 03:01:47,616 - Okay, hag, you ready for your gift? - Excuse us. 2658 03:01:47,699 --> 03:01:51,453 - You didn't have to get me a gift. - We didn't get you anything. You did. 2659 03:01:51,537 --> 03:01:54,706 - It was nothing, really. - Gentlemen and very few ladies... 2660 03:01:54,790 --> 03:01:56,750 I am pleased to present... 2661 03:01:56,834 --> 03:01:59,753 the premiere photo gallery opening... 2662 03:01:59,837 --> 03:02:01,964 of budding photojournalist... 2663 03:02:02,047 --> 03:02:06,426 our very own European-bound Mr. Dennis Schiff. 2664 03:02:24,027 --> 03:02:28,198 - Where did you guys get these? - Taylor and I stole your negatives. 2665 03:02:28,282 --> 03:02:30,158 This one's out of focus. 2666 03:02:30,242 --> 03:02:32,619 After a few drinks, it'll look fine. 2667 03:02:33,620 --> 03:02:37,833 Taylor, get the pitchers. The drinking games are about to begin. 2668 03:02:37,916 --> 03:02:40,794 Let's play "Who Can Act Straight the Longest." 2669 03:02:52,556 --> 03:02:55,559 A lot of people ask me when I first knew I was gay. 2670 03:02:55,642 --> 03:02:59,479 Fact is, I don't know. I can't remember. 2671 03:02:59,563 --> 03:03:02,065 But what I do remember, what I can recall... 2672 03:03:02,149 --> 03:03:05,110 is the moment I first realized it was okay. 2673 03:03:06,486 --> 03:03:09,114 It was when I met these guys... 2674 03:03:09,198 --> 03:03:11,283 my friends. 2675 03:03:12,326 --> 03:03:18,582 Please rate this subtitle at %url% Help other users to choose the best subtitles 218206