All language subtitles for Big.Fat.Quiz.2024.EN

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour throughout

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the Big Fat
Quiz of 2024.

Like Japanese knotweed,
herpes, and Donald Trump,

this show just won't go away.

Unbelievably, this is our 20th year
of Big Fat Quiz.

Things were very different back
in 2004.

There was a war in the Middle East,

a terrible Labour government,

England failed to win the Euros,

and everyone was excited about
the new Oasis Tour.

Right, let's meet the teams.

First up, a brilliant director,
writer, actor, and comedian

who, over the past 20 years,

has cemented himself as
a national treasure,

and an ex-Hooters waitress.

It's Richard Ayoade
and Katherine Ryan.

APPLAUSE

Nice.

Next up, one's a loud,
shouty comedian

who doesn't know when to be quiet.

The other is a loud, shouty comedian
who doesn't know when to be quiet.

Basically, if I were you,
I'd turn the volume down.

It's Rob Beckett and Judi Love!

APPLAUSE

And finally, Maisie Adam

and the man who cuts her hair,
Chris McCausland.

Jimmy!

APPLAUSE

This early on? This early on.

I should point out that joke
was written

before you got your hair redone.

And hasn't Chris done a lovely job?

I can see now, Jimmy, as well.
I got my sight back,

so that joke's well old.

I'm over here, Chris.

Now, have you got team names?

Richard, Katherine,
you got a team name?

I think rhyming names do well. OK.

They're quick, they're easy,
sums us up.

We could do Drunk and Hunk.

Oh, nice.

Mumsy and Glumsy.

Drunk and Hunk.

Any ideas, Richard?

Those were both my ideas.

Or we could go with something very
of the moment,

something 2024, like...

Oasis.

Oasis, yeah.

What about O Canada?

What is O Canada? Is that a song?

It's our national anthem.

You have a national anthem?

It's a country.

Is it?

It's literally a country.

Are mooses bigger in real life
than you think they're going to be?

Because I think they're as big as
a cow,

but actually, they're bigger.

How the hell did we get onto
the conversation of moose?

I mean, we're doing team names.
Sorry.

OK, so team name,
what are you going to settle on?

Moose and Loose. Yes.

Moose and Loose, great.

OK, Rob, Judi,
what's your team name?

Judi's got her own cooking show,
and my name's Beckett,

so we thought Nosh and Becks.

Yeah, I like Nosh and Beck's.

Nosh and Becks.

I like eating,
but you're taking the piss.

Oreo, brown on the outside,
white in the middle.

Well, you're going to have to lead
the charge on those jokes.

We're both from South London,

we could be Dirty South or something
like that.

Yeah, we're Dirty South.

OK, Maisie, Chris,
what have you got team name-wise?

Well, it's been
a bit tense backstage.

I just thought we should keep
it simple

and call it Chris and Maisie,
but she didn't like that.

And I wanted to call it
Maisie and Chris,

but Chris didn't like that.

No. So, I mean,
if they're going Dirty South,

I think we could go,
like, Angels of the North,

cos we're quite sweet
and innocent, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah. But we're not talking.
No.

All right, so we've got Angels of
the North, Dirty South,

Moose and Loose. Right. Now, we
started this show, Big Fat Quiz,

back in 2004.

I'm going to check in on what you
looked like in 2004.

Oh, no. OK, so here's Katherine Ryan
back in 2004.

Oh, wow.

It's lovely to see
your original face.

Chris, I looked phenomenal.

I was Miss Hooters Toronto 2004.

There was an actual pageant
and I won.

I could also tell you that she's
wearing her thong above her jeans

in the same way
that Queen Camilla does.

Chris, it looks like

a picture that Prince Andrew
would say

he was photoshopped into the
picture. That's exactly it.

Let's have a look at Rob in 2004.

You know what? That picture is so
much more effective

than any other anti-drug campaign.

I look like Katherine's tried it on
with me and I'm panicking.

Let's have a look at Maisie.
There you are, Maisie.

Chris, this is me with a home-made
mascot for the Euros 2004.

Was that to scare away the trophy?

It was meant to be sort of,
come on, England,

and it's actually a bit EDL
upon reflection.

And I think I've had a whiff
of whatever Rob had. Yeah.

At the age of 10?

Yeah. You've got to make your own
fun up north, Judes.

Right. Chris,
let's take a look at you in 2004.

That's Mackenzie Crook. That's the
real-life scarecrow

that you were making a model of.

So I came third in
a comedy competition,

and Mackenzie Crook
gave me something.

I don't know what.

Basically, I was asked for
a photograph of me in 2004.

And I'll be honest with you,

keeping photographs has not been
a priority.

So what I did was I just googled my
own name and the year 2004.

I've got me back in 2004.
This is the treat.

The shit you give her
for having work done,

your face has been fucking
butchered.

APPLAUSE

Even my iPhone now goes,
"Come on, mate, put the code in."

When you stop playing tennis,
you just lose the fitness.

I can only imagine what he
looks like.

I imagine Jimmy looks like he's got
his face permanently pressed up

against a window.

Bang on. Bang on.

Do you know what confuses me, Jimmy?

I don't think that you
or I look any different.

Than each other?

I think, if anything,
we need to get more work done.

And we will.

And what about the weight loss?
What are we doing here?

Talk to me. You're too busy
to exercise.

You shooting up a bit of
the Ozzy P?

Shooting up? Yeah.

I just take it socially,
I can handle my fix.

I just think it's really nice,
looking at the year,

that we can now finally steal

life-saving medication
from diabetics

and use it to transform ourselves
into Christina Aguilera.

Right, let's get on with the show.

Our first round is all about
the year's big headlines.

Back in May, Rishi Sunak announced
a general election

while standing outside Downing
Street in the pouring rain.

That was a mistake.

Getting him wet, that is.

I think that's how we shrunk him
in the first place.

Is that real?

Yeah, that's real. Oh, look at him.

It's not. It looks like the new
Borrower film.

There were some big losers
on election night,

none more so than Nigel Farage, who,
as the results were announced,

realised he'd have to spend
the next five years in Clacton.

Sir Keir Starmer became
the new Prime Minister.

Good for him, I guess,

but I can't help feeling somewhere
in the Midlands,

there's an Asda missing its manager.

OK, who's up for some questions?
Yes.

OK, question number one.

Donald Trump appeared on
the Joe Rogan podcast.

On it, he revealed his favourite
word in the dictionary. What was it?

So, when Trump went on Joe Rogan,

he gave everyone his favourite word
in the dictionary. What was it?

Was it? Seriously? What? Really?
Yeah.

I know it,
but I don't know how to spell it.

We're dyslexic,
do we get more time?

Yeah, we need...

More time than a fellow who can't
see his own writing.

We'll have the same amount
of time Chris gets.

All right. Next up, this machine was
at the centre

of a national scandal this year.
Why?

So, Chris, I'll describe the
machine.

It looks like if Keir Starmer
was a PS2.

It's like a till.

It's like a little screen
with a keyboard below it,

and to the right, what looks like
what prints out your receipt.

Rob, Judi, you won't be allowed

to sit together if you're just
going to giggle.

We're going to have
to separate you.

Neither of us...

Neither of us can spell.

None of us can write either.
Capital H.

Now, it wouldn't be the Big Fat Quiz
without an appearance

from the children of Mitchellbrook
Primary School,

performing one of their
unconventional school plays.

Take a look.

I don't like you any more.

I don't like you any more.

Oh, no. What am I going to do now?

My brother smells.

Send tweet.

Wah, wah, wah!

Stop crying your heart out.

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.

Mister, mister, will you ever get
back with your naughty brother?

I said maybe.

Don't look back in anger.

OK, I like you again.

I like you again too.

CHEERING

We want tickets!

I've been in the queue for ages.

I can wait.

I got a lot of tickets.

But they're so expensive.

I will take ten.

That will be a billion
pounds, please.

We made loads of money, our kid.

Can I have some more?

Definitely. Maybe.

CHEERING

What's not to love?
APPLAUSE

Well, that was, of course,
Oasis reuniting.

What I want to know is, what very
brief response did Liam give

to this fan's complaint
about ticket prices on X?

What did Liam clap back with?

Ooh.

That's just one option.

OK. We're going to have
a what happens next bonus round now.

I'm going to show you the start of
three clangers

from world leaders this year.

All you have to do is write down
what happens next.

Here's the first one.

And now I want to hand it over to
the president of Ukraine,

who has as much courage
as he has determination.

He looks like he's just been helping
someone knit.

One of the requisites of being able
to stand for president

is you should actually be able
to just stand.

I liked it. It was giving Weekend
at Bernie's for a... Yeah.

Weekend at Biden's.
OK, here's the second one.

Wait, what's the question?
What happens next? No.

What happens next?
Oh, what happens next?

Here's the second one.

I mean, my family immigrated here
with very little,

and that's how I was raised.

I was raised with
the values of hard work.

What did you go without as a child?

They both look like pictures
in a shit barbers.

OK, here's the third one.

All parties to pull back from
the brink.

I call again for
an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.

OK, so are you ready for answers?
You all got everything down?

Yeah. All right, OK.
First set of answers.

I asked you what Donald Trump's
favourite word in the dictionary is.

What did you think?

So, we know the word, kind of.
All right.

Well, can you stop saying we,

because this is very much your
answer.

I still don't think it's a word.

Right. So, the word...
What's the word?

It was something like...
triff. Triff.

It was. And it means, like,
it's about money. It's about...

Oh, sir, pick us, sir.

Triff. Triff. T-R-I-F-F. T.
Something like that. Triff.

Sir, pick us! I'm gonna
go to Maisie.

Chris knew it and it's defo tariff

and that has made us even more sure.

It was,
it was something like triff.

You can't get a point for triff when
the answer is tariff.

Let me tell you something.
Everybody, everybody has

a different kind of, you know,
tone in their voice.

I'm saying the same thing.
And it means something like money.

Tariff. Oh, actually,
now that you've said that,

you said to me tariff.

I've spelled it wrong.
And I'm dyslexic, so tariff.

You can't blame your dyslexia
on how you pronounce words.

Yeah, no, I've got two types of
dyslexia, actually.

How I write things
and how I pronounce.

But I wrote that.

Did you get this,
Richard, Katherine?

We think that's wrong.

What did you write?

Juggers.

And juggers, could you use that in a
sentence, please, Richard?

Here come the juggers.

Is it tariff?

Yeah, the answer is tariff.
Points, points, no points.

Thank you. OK, all right.

Yes, Judi, quality.

You can't give him triff.

Listen, we're from South.
I'm from South.

That's how we speak, yeah?
That's how we speak, Triff.

I'm from South.

Oh, for about a week,
then you went Norfolk, didn't you?

How dare you? What am I, Bernard
Matthews?

No, I didn't go to Norfolk.

Where'd you go? Ipswich.

It's not like I chose it.

Like everyone else in Ipswich,
we were put there under duress.

And we're fighting it out.

OK, let's take a look at his very
insightful response

on Joe Rogan's show.

To me, the most beautiful word,

and I've said this for
the last couple of weeks,

in the dictionary today,
is the word tariff.

It's more beautiful than love.

It's more beautiful than anything.
It's the most beautiful word.

Maisie, where do you and Trump
get your hair done?

Oh, piss off!

I asked you why this computer made
headlines. What did you get?

Horizon.
Yeah. Post Office Scandal.

We've put Post Office Horizon
Screen Till,

because Chris started to get worried
that we weren't going to get a point

for it. So he said,
just put all of the words in.

What did you write, Richard?

Yeah, we put Sub Postmaster
Scanner,

Fujitsu, I thought was
what the company was.

Yeah, it's the Sub Postmasters.

I don't know what happened to
the Dom Postmasters,

but I think they were fine.
So, points, points, points.

I asked you how Liam
Gallagher responded

to one fan's disgruntled ex-post
about ticket prices.

What did you get for this?

We're going to have to do this in
two parts. He said, shut up you...

Bumbaclart.

He does say bumbaclart
a surprising amount.

He does. A lot. He does.

He says it...

More so than a 50-year-old white man
from Manchester should.

What did you go for, Maisie, Chris?

Just shut up.

Brackets nasal. Yeah.

Richard, Katherine?

I don't find you statements
to be constructive.

If only that were
the correct answer.

Because I'm finding him to be more
emotionally intelligent these days

and reaching out
and actually taking accountability,

looking at himself and saying,

OK, let's centre me in the conflict
here. What am I bringing to it?

I wish you was my therapist.

Thank you. Well, after this, maybe.

OK, well, let's take a look
and see if you're right.

So he responded with...

I've got some other excellent
replies that Liam has given.

He's a genuinely funny man.
OK, here's another one.

How does Peggy, his mother,
feel about the reunion?

That's pretty funny.

Next one.

That's a great answer.

And finally...

All right, finally,

I asked you for what happens
next.

OK, first off, you saw Joe Biden.

What do you think Joe Biden
said next?

Instead of the President of
the Ukraine,

he said Vladimir Putin.
That was a big story.

Yeah. OK. Did you get this?

Putin, yeah. Putin.

OK, well, let's have a look.

And now I want to hand it over to
the President of Ukraine

who has as much courage
as he has determination.

Ladies and gentlemen,
President Putin.

President Putin!

We're going to beat President Putin.
President Zelensky.

Oh, my God. It's bad.

That is almost like doing a ting
with someone

and in the middle of it saying out
the wrong name. Yeah.

That's how uncomfortable that was.

OK, the next one. Rishi Sunak,
did you get this?

Yeah, Sky TV. Yeah.

Did you get this,
Richard, Katherine?

No, we didn't.
We thought it was something else.

I had to share a kayak?

I know, let's have a look.

What did you go without as a child?

Without with lots of
things, right?

Because my parents wanted to put
everything into our education.

So what sort of things had
to be sacrificed?

Lots of things, right?

Can you give me an example?

All sorts of things.
Like, lots of people,

there'll be all sorts of things that
I would have wanted as a kid

that I couldn't have, right?
Famously, Sky TV.

That was something that we never had
growing up, actually.

He had to go around to his friends
to watch The Simpsons.

And the last one, Keir Starmer.
What do you all put?

We got it. You got it?

We even drawed.
Rob even drawed a little sausage.

Sausages?

Yeah. Yeah. OK. Let's have a look at
Keir Starmer.

All parties to pull back
from the brink.

I call again for
an immediate ceasefire in Gaza.

The return of the sausages.
The hostages.

Maybe he's friendly with Joe Biden,

and he was trying
to take some of the heat off

the Putin gaffe. He said, I got you.

I'm going to say sausages tomorrow.

All right, I can tell you,
at the end of that first round,

the scores are, OK, well, Rob and
Judi have got six. Yes.

Maisie and Chris have got six.

Richard and Katherine have three.

Wow.

Join us after the break, please.

Otherwise, it's just me shouting at
comedians. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz.

We're appointment viewing,

but sadly, that appointment is for
a colonoscopy.

Our next round is all about music.

Taylor Swift's UK tour was said
to have boosted

the British economy by £1 billion,

and that was just at
Claire's Accessories.

Espresso by Sabrina Carpenter was
the song of the summer.

The song is about Sabrina's lover
who can't get to sleep

because he's thinking about her,
and I can relate to that.

I can't get to sleep thinking about
my girlfriend.

What if they find her?

All right, time for our music
questions. You ready for this?

For our first question
in the music round,

it's over to Hollywood stars
Chiwetel Ejiofor and Leo Woodall.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.
In our new film,

Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy,

Bridget returns to
the dating scene to find a new man.

And she's not the only one,
as back in April,

TikToker Megan Bonny posted

a song about looking for
a man in finance.

She listed three other must-haves
in the lyrics. What were they?

Jimmy, the one on the left,
how tired is he?

Let's see that again.

Leo Woodall on the left is very
tired. Have another look.

What's wrong with this guy?
Here we go. What's his problem?

He's very sleepy. Who is he? Let's
watch it again. Let's watch it.

What's he doing?

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.

In our new film, Bridget Jones:
Mad About The Boy,

Bridget returns to
the dating scene to find a new man.

And she's not the only one.

He's shattered.
He's absolutely shattered.

And Chiwetel's trying to give it
lots of energy by doing that.

It's unbelievable.

OK, so a woman posted
a song where she was looking for

a man in finance and it went viral.

Can you name three other things that
she was looking for in a man?

Yes. OK. Yes.

Of course we can.

Richard and I are looking for
the same.

Six five, blue eyes...

I can't get the last one,
it's killing me.

OK, you've got to be
a little bit quiet.

It's because, Rob,
the last one is the first one.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Think about the most important one.

Five foot eight, big teeth and an
average cock. Get it down.

Next up,

here are some vox pops of some very
fashionable young people.

All I want to know is, what music
trend of the year

are they talking about?

By the way, me and Judi are hitting
form and we're hitting it hard.

Watch out. Yeah.

OK, next up, Taylor Swift posted
this image on Instagram

back in September. Can you tell me
why it was notable?

So that's Taylor Swift there
with her cat.

And final question
in this music round.

This monkey made music headlines
this year. Why?

It's like a monkey
in a tank top with...

Like, it looks like it's coming.

It's like a big, jizzy...

As in arriving or ejaculating.

What's the question?

What's the question? A chest.

You've asked that on every
single question.

We are a terrible team together.

We're having a great time, but we're
not very efficient. A wicked time.

This monkey made music headlines
this year. Why?

Oh, I know who that is.

Oh, yes! Oh, my God, that's it!

We're fucking smashing this.

I apologise if you're watching with
a dog in the room,

because that was quite high-pitched.

OK, let's see how you got on.

We asked you three things that
Megan Bonny was asking for

in a man in finance.
What did you put?

I suggested, like,
a family Spotify plan.

Maisie... I had to intervene.
I had to intervene.

It's the, I'm looking for a man in
finance, trust fund,

six five, blue eyes.

I don't know what else,
but those three.

That's it.
That's the three things, yeah.

What's a trust fund?
What's a trust fund? Yeah.

Come on, Jimmy, you know.
Well, let me explain.

It's an offshore facility.

Finally, something I know about.
Did you get this, Rob?

So we got six five, blue eyes,

and the way I say trust fund
is finance.

So we wrote that, because it's a bit
like triff and tariff.

So in the question I said,

she was looking for
a man in finance,

what did you put?
And you said finance.

Also a man. You might as well have
written a man.

No, I put trust fund. But the way I
write it and say it is finance.

Points. No points.
Did you get this, Katherine?

Yes, we did, of course.

We also have others.

It goes on to say moral relativism,
can handle machinery

and has own Oyster card.

Here's the original.

Who says blue eyes like that?
Bluiize.

It's the only one I've got
out of those three.

They're nice blue eyes.
David Guetta did a remix of that.

She became a huge star off
the back of it. Take a look.

# I'm looking for a man in finance,
trust fund

# 6' 5, blue eyes.

# Finance, trust fund... #

But Richard's,
yours would go down very well too.

Yeah. Moral relativism.

Could I get a clean track of it so
that David Guetta can do the remix?

OK.

Moral relativism.

Can handle machinery.

Has an Oyster card.

APPLAUSE

That's a hit. I hear a hit.

And people will make it.

Yeah.

Oh, my days.

We're happy with that, are we?

Yeah.

OK, next up I asked you what
music trend people were describing.

What did you put?

Wagner.

We think it's Wagner.

You thought they were
describing Wagner?

I mean, not well.

What did you think this was? Rob?
Judi?

We wrote brat summer.

Maisie, Chris?

We wrote just Brat,
but, yeah, both.

I don't know if they can get
a point for just Brat, sorry.

No, I think it's Brat the concept.

You're right, Maisie.
Brat is correct.

If anything, Jimmy,
Brat Summer is wrong.

No, no, no.

Brat Summer came from Brat.

No, no.

Brat isn't the contraction
of Brat Summer?

No, Brat came first before
Brat Summer.

You have to have an understanding of
Brat in order to have a Brat Summer.

Otherwise, it's just a summer.

What is Brat?

I'll tell you what Brat is.
I'll tell you what Brat is.

I'll tell you what Brat is.

OK, Charli XCX came out with
a recent album called Brat,

and it was a huge sensation.
She described Brat as being,

"You're just like that girl who is
a little messy

"and who likes to party
and maybe say dumb things sometimes,

"who feels herself,
but maybe also has a breakdown,

"but kind of like parties through it
and is very honest, very blunt,

"a little bit volatile,
like does dumb things.

Wow.
That is a long-ass description.

Yeah.

I think Joe Biden might have been
having a brat summer.

It said the brat essentials
are a pack of cigarettes,

a Bic lighter, and a strappy white
top with no bra.

Yes, and you can have brat
and apply it to anything.

You can have a brat summer,
you can have a brat school run.

Oh, yes.

Can you have a brat shuttle launch?

Do you know what? I think I had
a brat shit this morning.

I felt silly and I had a breakdown
halfway through,

lit a ciggie and ploughed on.

But you partied through it?

I partied through it.
A couple more scrolls of TikTok,

couple of wipes, I was off.

Would you describe Wagner
as brat?

I mean, Wagner certainly
could be bratty.

Yeah. Don't count this out
of the edit immediately.

I'm just saying,
in terms of the edit,

just sit with the material
for a bit. See if it sings.

OK, I asked you why this
Instagram post was so notable.

What did you put? This was Taylor
Swift and the cat.

That cat looks very healthy.
Like it eats well.

Could it be a fake cat?

No, that's a,
that's a real ass pussy.

If David Guetta wants the rights
to that.

That guy is a trust fund
and six foot five away

from being the ideal cat.

OK, can you tell me why that photo
was notable?

The cat is missing its torso,
but she's hiding it.

Was it because she called herself a
cat woman and backed Kamala Harris?

Yeah. That is the right answer, yes.

She backed Kamala Harris,

because JD Vance,
the vice presidential candidate,

described Democratic politicians as
a bunch of childless cat ladies

with miserable lives.

And in other news, JD Vance is now
presenting MasterChef.

Did everyone get that?

Yeah.

OK, great. Finally, I asked you why
this monkey

made music headlines this year.

Robbie Williams is a monkey,
isn't he, in his film?

There's a monkey who is
Robbie Williams.

Did he get a monkey
to play him in his documentary?

In a documentary? What?

No, like, obviously...

You thought that might be
a documentary?

No. No, let's have a look at
a clip of the documentary

about Robbie's life.

I'm Robbie Williams.

This is my story,

but I'm not going to tell it
in an ordinary way,

because I don't see myself
how others see me.

For the next two hours,
your ass is mine.

Yeah, that's not a documentary,
is it?

You've got a keen eye.

No.

If you had a film of your
life, Jimmy,

what animal would you get
to play you?

Cockroach.

Shots fired. Shots fired.

I reckon if you froze Jimmy,
he'd come back to life as well.

Oh, they've tried.

If you kill him,
he's just going to come back.

Could you imagine?
Hundreds of little Jimmys.

Big heads, little bodies,
running up around the pipes.

It's like watching digital
TV late at night.

Jimmys fucking everywhere.

Nuclear holocaust, the only thing
left is fucking Jimmy Carr.

Him and 20,000 accountants
scurrying around.

All right,

let's have a look
and see how you're doing.

So I can tell you,
Richard, Katherine,

you have seven points.
Rob, Judi, you have nine points.

Maisie and Chris are in the lead
with ten.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's it for this part.

As my girlfriend said when she
walked in on me covered in baby oil,

doing the splits over
a Navy Seal's chin,

I think it's time for a break.
See you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to
The Big Fat Quiz.

Some people are already saying this
is the biggest

and best quiz we've ever done.

And those people work in
the Channel 4 press office.

This round is all about film and TV.

The sequel to The Joker surprised
many, as it was a musical.

But if I want to see people wearing
too much make-up and singing badly,

I'll buy tickets
to see The Sugababes.

You take that back!

It's going to get worse.

The cinematic version of Wicked
was released in November,

but if I want to see angry witches
fighting each other,

I'll just watch Loose Women.

APPLAUSE

Judi, have him. Have him.

I knew you was coming for us.

That's why you never come on
the show.

I'm a big star.

Come on.

I love hearing your affirmations.

I'm a real boy.
I'm a real boy.

It's financially questionable,
but not illegal.

It's financially... Sorry.

We had Rishi Sunak on.

We had Rishi Sunak on.

They've had loads of unlikeable
people. you'll be fine.

We've had all... Yeah, exactly.

OK, all right.

I've got some film and TV
questions for you.

For our first question,

it's over to Aidan Turner
and Danny fucking Dyer.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.

In our new show Rivals,
things get a little bit saucy.

But not as saucy as one of
the quotes of the year, which was...

For me, I always take it
from the back

because it's got that lovely
crispy rim.

So, I'm going to get in there
and that's just the best bit.

Proper filth.

All we want to know is who said it

and what on earth were they
talking about?

This is how you do it!

That is how you read
the fucking quiz!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Much better!

That was proper.
I actually knew it was going on.

That was so good,
my chair collapsed.

I've no idea how to get back up.

You look like Rishi Sunak now.

I've got no Sky TV, Mel.
I've got no Sky TV.

He looks like a magician
that's panicking.

Are we going to get you out?

If you could reach over
and pump him up, go on.

This won't look
at all questionable.

I don't need that gif in my life.

Katherine, I think
we already have the meme.

OK, Aidan Turner and Danny Dyer
wanted to know who said this

and what were they talking about.

For me, I always take it
from the back,

because it's got that lovely
crispy rim,

so I'm going to get in there,
and that's just the best bit.

So, what were they talking about?

OK, next, here's a clip from
a baffling event in New York

back in October.
Just tell me what's going on.

I think that would be my guess.

In that video, Chris,
there's a bunch

of guys that all look sort
of similar.

It's like a gathering of hipsters.

Tough one.

The spelling's got well
out of hand here.

All right, next up,
a TV show of the year went viral

for its unique audio descriptions.

I'm going to play in the audio
description of an iconic scene.

All I want to know is what is
the show. Let's have a listen

to the eloquent and very
evocative audio.

Oh, finally,
a fucking video I can do.

That is fair.

Apparently, you've just played me
one of a lookalike competition.

OK, well, here's one for you, Chris.

He presses his lips to hers,

flattening her against
the back of her seat.

His hand slides up her skirt,
coming to rest at her hip.

She grips his lapel
as they kiss fervently.

He pulls back and slowly slips one
of her puffed sleeves

down along the creamy skin
of her shoulder.

He brushes his lips over her throat
and the yielding flesh below.

MasterChef.

APPLAUSE

I literally just finished writing
Gregg Wallace Inside The Factory.

OK, what show was being
described there?

What scene and what show?

OK, for our final question,
we have a real treat.

She's a genuine Hollywood star.

Please welcome... Well,
I'm going to go and get her.

I'm going to go and get Peggy.

Peggy? Yeah, where's Peggy?

Oh, it's a dog. I've got Peggy.

It's a small dog.

Like, Jimmy's holding it
in both arms.

Hello, Peggy. Now...
Shh, shh, shh. Hello, Peggy.

You're such a cute dog.

So Peggy was the star this year of
a big movie.

Name the role she played.

Now, Chris, you can't see her,

so do you want to touch her face
like you're Lionel Richie in Hello?

Chris, I'm going to intervene here
and say whatever you do,

do not touch that fucking dog.

Why?

Maisie is just jealous

because someone's got
the same haircut as Peggy.

APPLAUSE

Oh, my gosh.

So, hang on.
I'm going to bring her over here.

You're genuinely bringing...
Is this a real dog?

Yeah, it's a beautiful dog. So,
if you just put your hand on her.

Give me the hand there.

It's got... Oh, my goodness.

Now, I know, Chris,
that feels like a ball sack,

but now I'm going
to let you touch the dog.

This is where you get
your hair from.

OK, so we'll do the answers. I mean,
I'm absolutely in love with Peggy.

She's doing a little purr.

No, this is starting to make
you look normal, Jimmy.

OK, all right,
let's go to answers.

For me, I always take it
from the back

because it's got that lovely
crispy rim.

So I'm going to get in there,
and that's just the best bit.

Who said that? We put Jamie
Oliver on a cooking show

talking about a roast bird.
Yeah.

And what have you got?

We knew it was Jamie Oliver.
We weren't sure exactly what food.

And you've said? Jamie Oliver,
but I didn't know.

Points, points, points.

Have a look at this very
erotic moment.

Let's have a try.

Now, for me,
I always take it from the back,

because it's got that lovely
crispy rim.

So I'm going to get in there, and
that's just the best bit, honestly.

Ho, ho, ho.

He knew, didn't he?

Yeah. OK, all right.

Also, you're going to eat the end
anyway, so just wait your turn, Jay.

Next, I showed you a clip of
an event taking place in New York

and asked you what the event was.
What do you all think?

Well, we said lookalike,

and then Judi's written
Timothee Shamalalaylola.

Oh, I love that song.

Chalamet.

Maisie, Chris?

Can we get two points for this?

Because we put Timothee
Chalamet lookalike,

but Chris rightfully pointed out
he doesn't know what

Timothee Chalamet looks like
in the first place.

OK, so points, points, points.

I asked you what
the audio description was,

the sexy audio description.
Did you get this?

Rob, Judi? Bridgerton.

Maisie, Chris? We guessed Bridgerton
because they shag a lot.

Yeah. Did you get Bridgerton?

I knew. It was the steamy carriage
scene of Bridgerton.

And finally, I asked you,
my new best friend Peggy,

who do you think she played?

Citizen Kane.

Deadpool, police officer.

And who did she play? The dog bit.

A police officer.

Maisie, what did you write?

The ball sack in Saltburn 2.

Peggy was, of course,

Dogpool in Deadpool Vs Wolverine.
Say goodbye, Peggy.

Bye, Peggy.

Bye, Peggy. Oh, my God. This is the
best bit of the show by far.

Hang on. Oh, bless her.

She's amazing.

Is she British? Is Peggy British,
or has she flown in?

She's British.

Oh, is she? Well done.

Respect.

Local talent.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for
a special bonus round.

I'm going to show you scenes from
films released this year

which have been subtly improved with
an appearance from me.

Just name the film.
I want the exact title of the film.

First up, take a look.

# Flowing down

# Someone left the cake out
in the rain

# I don't think that I can take it

# Cos it took so long to bake it

# And I'll never have that
recipe again

# Oh, no. #

This is amazing!

APPLAUSE

How have you done that?
Well, thank you. Thank you.

Rob did not know that the faces had
been changed.

Who did you think it was?

At one point,
I thought I saw Kate Nash.

I didn't know, I'd never seen any
of these actors.

OK, that's the first one.
Here's the second one.

Jimmy, you have got such
a transferable face.

I know, he only got it transferred
on a week ago.

APPLAUSE

OK, here's the second one.
Take a look.

Witness me!

Among us are 972...

APPLAUSE

You just look so good with
the beard.

Oh, no, this is me looking good.

The third one is highly
sexualised content. Take a look.

Thank you so much, everybody.
I'll see you next week.

And in the meantime,
take care of yourself.

APPLAUSE

So, you got three films?

Yes. What did you think the first
one was? Katherine, Richard?

Beetlejuice 2.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

Correct answer.
Oh, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

We've gone for
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

And you've written the second
Beetlejuice

over the first one, have you?

The thing is... There weren't enough
time, there weren't enough space.

Chris, Maisie?
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

Points all round. OK.

Thank you. Let's have a look at how
it should have looked.

Wow. That's scary.

I think he's better with me. Yeah.

All right. Yeah.

The next one, what did you get?

Mad Max.

But Mad Max what? Furioso.

Mad Max: Furiosa is the right
answer, did you get this?

Yeah, I wrote Mad Max and I just
went Furioso in the middle.

It's my interpretation, Furioso.

Yeah, look, there's the F.

Ignore the Dune 2, I believe.

That's a tricky one.

I just went Furioso.

OK, Furiosa is the name of
the film, so points.

No points, no points.

Sorry, we were the only ones that
put Beetlejuice Beetlejuice.

We have had Triff all night.

We have had injustice
after injustice.

Yeah, they should get a point,
and we should get a point too.

All right, we'll give it to you.
We'll give you Mad Max. Thank you.

Fine. OK. What was the last one?

Jimmy, I'm losing respect for you.

You're just giving out points
willy-nilly at this point.

He gave us a point, though.
Good decision.

Good decision. He was brilliant.

Let's have a look at the Mad Max.
Ooh.

Furiosa, there you go.
That's what they look like.

There we go, Mad Max. Oh, that's
scary. And this guy's got a goitre.

And the last one? The Substance.

Yes, The Substance. Oh, yeah.
Is that with Demi Moore?

Yeah. Oh, I met her the other day.

You met her the other day?

Yeah. She was a big fan.
I was like, what?

What was she like?

Who did she think you were?

Oprah.

Yeah, that's very...

And can you talk to us
about her face and body?

Do you know what I was going to say?
Her face, her skin was immaculate.

She looked amazing, it was tight,

it was so clear and smooth.
She had a lovely...

This is not a question I asked,
so...

Oh, thank you.
So the fact that I met the person.

Did you get this right, though?

Did you get it right, though?

What did you write, though?
But what did you write?

Demi Moore.
Demi Moore, what?

Right, so I'm dyslexic,

and that says Demi Moore
in The Substance.

It really does look like
Devil Wears Prada 2.

I can tell you it was
The Substance.

So let's see what that's done
to the scores.

Richard and Katherine have 13.
Yes.

Rob and Judi have 15.
Maisie and Chris have 16.

Yes, Chris. We are bossing
this, mate.

Absolutely bossing it.

We are going to take
a quick break now

while Katherine tops up on the
substance. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz,

where six comedians
answer questions,

questions like, where were you
between nine and ten

on the night of the party,
and how did you meet P Diddy?

This next round is all about science
and technology.

In July, Elon Musk officially
endorsed Donald Trump.

Just goes to show, behind every
twat, there's an arsehole.

We can only hope that Elon Musk
is playing the long game

and planning on sending Trump
to Mars.

Time for some more questions from
the world of science and technology.

For your first question, it's over
to film star David Johnson.

Hi, Jimmy. Earlier this year,

I played the synthetic person Andy
in Alien: Romulus.

So when Elon Musk unveiled an army
of robots at an event

back in October, I was very curious.

One of the robots was asked what
the hardest thing

about being a robot is.

Can your teams tell me
what it said?

So David wants to know what
Elon Musk's robot said was

the hardest thing about being
a robot. Yeah.

Yeah, we've got some footage of the
event. Have a look at the event.

And we've made a lot of progress
with the Optimus.

OK.

Surely they missed the opportunity
to get the robots to do the robot.

You would have thought that would be
the best thing. Yeah.

All right, for the next question,

it's over to Hollywood director
Richard Curtis.

Hi, Jimmy. In my new film,
That Christmas,

we see a cluster of tales
of love, family, and friendship

all kicked off kilter by a blizzard
hitting a seaside town.

Speaking of which, 2024 was a big
year for weather phenomena,

but people in the UK complained
about missing

a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
back in May,

because they couldn't see something
with the naked eye.

Can your teams tell me what it was?

The real question is, what happened
to Richard Curtis's body?

Someone's nicked that.

Yeah! He's just a floating head.

I don't feel like I can ask
Chris what people might be angry

about not seeing with
the naked eye.

Richard wants to know what
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

people complained about back in May

because they couldn't see it
with the naked eye.

He gave me a nice present once.

Was it a reel of film from Love
Actually put in a little keychain?

Fucking hell,
I thought it was special.

Yeah, he dishes them out
to everyone. I've got one.

The problem is,
I thought it was like a stalker.

You thought he was a stalker?

Well, I got the gift
and I didn't know who it was from

and I called the police
and all that.

It's a weird little trinket.

Got my doors changed,
my locks, all kind of stuff.

You got a gift from Richard Curtis

and you got the locks changed
and called the police?

I didn't know his signature

and the film bit said, "You are..."
What's it, it had the...?

What's the bit when he's standing
there? To me, you're perfect.

Yeah, so it said,
"To me, you're perfect,"

I've seen a scribble on it
and I've seen my name.

Someone said, "To me, you're
perfect."

You went, "Well,
this guy's clearly a nutter."

OK, have a listen to this audio clip
of Michael Parkinson.

What's unusual about it?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.

Today, my guest is a man whose
journey from a young boy

with dreams in Florida to a global
music sensation

has been nothing short of
extraordinary.

He's an artist with
a keen business acumen,

a TikTok phenomenon,
and a devoted father.

OK, so what's unusual about that
clip of Michael Parkinson?

Finally, what connects
these three things?

Thousands of flight cancellations
back in July,

a backlog of GP appointments,
and a blackout in Times Square.

Something happened.

I know what happened. What happened?

You don't know the question, so how
do you know the answer?

Yeah, but you can't know. You can't
get it. You don't know the question.

I can't ask him again. You ask him.

No, I'm not going to ask him. You
ask him.

You've been in the game long enough.

Katherine wanted to know the
question again.

Katherine, didn't you?

Yes, I did. God, guys!

Come on, Katherine. Fucking listen.

Judi, I'm going to ask the question
again. Can you pay attention?

Sorry. OK, finally, what connects
these three?

Flight cancellations back in July,

a backlog of GP appointments

and a blackout in Times Square.

OK, all right,
you ready for answers?

I think so.

I asked you what did
Elon Musk's Tesla robot say

was the hardest thing about being
a robot? What did you think?

It's the same thing you struggle
with, Jimmy,

it was learning how to be human.

What are feelings?

OK, so what have you got for this?

We've got, yeah, trying,
learning, be like humans.

Yeah, we've got the same kind of
thing. Trying to be human.

Why are they even trying to make
robots act human in the first place?

Well, they saw Jimmy
and the idea came and thought,

"Fuck, this is what..."

I can't. Do you know, I want you to
be in Black Mirror,

like one of those shows.

You would be, I think you could,
you could be like Peggy, right?

And be one of our national
treasures, taking over Hollywood.

Something about robots and the
ugliest dog in the world

has made you think this guy.

Yeah.

Why are you here? Yeah.

OK, should we take a look
at a clip of this?

Go on, then.

I am not going to be single
for long.

Imagine what setting you could get
that to as well.

Can we have that face again?

There's a power surge in South
London, Judi's on the Tesla.

Dirty South.

What's the hardest thing about being
Judi's robot? My dick.

OK, all right, points all round.

Richard Curtis wanted to know what
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

people complained about
missing. What have you all put?

Northern Lights. Oh.
Northern Lights.

Yeah, I saw this.
So I don't know what happened,

but some people could see
the auroraeola borealis, whatever.

Areola. And then some
people couldn't.

Areola borealis? Yeah.
And I don't know, like,

from the could-sees
and the could-nots,

did you have to be up high?
Is it too cloudy?

It's crap and it's overrated.
It's a green cloud,

looks better on your phone
than your eyes. Just google it.

It was a bit orange.
It was a bit orange.

How is it once-in-a-lifetime?

You can book holidays to go
and see it.

Seeing it in the UK was kind of
the once-in-a-lifetime thing.

Yeah, but it doesn't look like that.
When you look at it,

it only looks like that if you've
got a good camera,

because lenses are better than
your eyes. It's pointless.

So you might as well just look at
the phone.

Rob, who hurt you?

I'll tell you what.

A trip to Iceland that cost me about
800 quid, and I saw fuck all.

Well, normally, if you want to see
the Aurora Borealis,

you've got to squat over a mirror.

Jimmy, really?

Have you just had so much work done
that your bum hole

is now green and pink?

I don't know
if that would be work done,

but, yeah, maybe. All right,
take a look at these guys

who thought they'd seen
the Northern Lights.

We've been catfished.

Have we been catfished?

We thought it was the Northern
Lights. It's a fucking building.

Yeah, they thought they'd seen
the Aurora Borealis.

It turned out to be a Premier Inn.

That's what this set
is modelled after.

The Premier Inn.
I knew I'd seen it before.

Is it a buffet breakfast here,

or is it like a full English?

What do you do?

It's a buffet. OK.

I asked you what was unique about an
audio clip of Michael Parkinson.

He's dead.

What a way to find out.

He's been dead ages, hasn't he?

Yeah, that's why. What is it, Judi?

It's AI podcast.

Well, yeah, we put he's dead.
Is it...? Well, it's got to be AI.

It's AI. It's AI.

I'm getting interviewed by it in
the new year. No!

Yeah. I figured, why not? Everyone's
just a fucking voice to me,

aren't they? So.

APPLAUSE

It's interesting, isn't it?

It is. It sounds exactly like him,
doesn't it? It does. Yeah.

So he's just... Have you got a clip
of it, Jimmy?

We've just heard it.

That's how we knew the answer.
Cos we heard it.

That's how we do the answer, Judi.

Oh, my God. Can we hear the clip?

Finally, I asked you what linked
thousands of flight cancellations,

a backlog of GP appointments,

and a blackout in Times Square.
What did you all think?

It was the Timothee Chalamet
lookalike contest.

Especially the GP appointments.

Yeah. Especially those.

We've got cyberhack,
attack, hackers,

computers, internet, bitches.

I don't know why you wrote that.
Broadband WiFi.

Yeah. They're all sort
of connected words,

but not quite the story.
What did you get?

Crowdstrike, which is the name of
the company that went down.

It was, of course,
the Crowdstrike Microsoft outage.

Don't we get one for cyber attack?

No, it wasn't a cyber attack.

No, but it was an internet company.

But it wasn't a cyber...
It wasn't a cyber attack.

It was a software update.

They did the software update
and broke everything in the world.

Well, it's cyber, innit?

Judi, fair play. Fair play.
We ain't got that.

OK, so points, no points,
no points.

OK, now it's time for a special
bonus round.

This is the part of the show where I
introduce a mystery guest.

All you need to do is tell me who
they are.

However, you can only ask
yes or no questions.

Please welcome my mystery guests.

APPLAUSE

It's a pleasure to see you.

Now, they obviously don't know
who you are.

They're going to ask yes or no
questions. Please, have at it.

Did you audition
for Birds of a Feather?

Are you two super viral famous?

It doesn't help if you just nod,
do you know what I mean?

Oh, my God.

It helps everyone else. Yes.

Was you the lady hanging out of the
window with your breasts showing?

APPLAUSE

OK, so this is... Well done, Judi.

We've really fucked
the mystery guest round.

I've got to say, that's the best
interrogation scene I've ever seen.

"No, no, no, no.
Are you in Birds of a Feather?"

And then immediately the right
answer. I'm just like, that stands.

You know what? That needs to run
in one continuous shot.

You've just got cinema, Jimmy,
and you're questioning it.

Sometimes magic happens,
just celebrate it.

Katherine said viral video,
and I just thought,

what was the best part?
It was the... Has anyone seen it?

No.

It was the, honestly,
I love you girls.

It was the... I pissed myself,
me and my friends.

You pissed yourself,
she pissed down herself.

Your tits are great, girl.

Only that way up, not this way up.
It's all different.

Can we explain what happens
in the video?

So, Chris is here now.
Chris is blind.

So, can you explain exactly
what happened?

Oh, Jesus, Chris.

So, you were locked out
and you tried to get in...

There was one top little window open

and the brains of the operation
next to me decided

to hoof me through that,
which I got stuck.

Head first. Head first on my tyres
and peed around my neck.

What? While I was hanging like a
bat, yeah.

So you're upside down,
shirt off, boobs out,

and then you pissed up yourself.

That was a killer.
It pooled in my collarbone.

Excuse me, we lost a detail there.

The urine pooled where?

In my collarbone. Oh, how lovely.

Well, we've all been there.

Imagine the audio description,

"A warm golden liquid caresses
her breasts."

I think we know who it is.

I'm going to say points all round,
because...

No! Oh, no, no, no.

Jimmy. Write down your answer, then.

Let's see if the others
get it right.

They're never getting it. She's not
seen it, he's not seen a computer.

These two, he's blind,
and Maisie had no idea.

This is a stand-off
situation, right?

They've never even seen...
I just stood up in heels.

Judi Love.

Stood up in heels!
I deserve...

I just stood up in heels,
can I have a point?

You get my point, girl,
you get my point.

So, all right, we'll just give the
points to you then, Judi,

if you want to be greedy. Thank you.
That is fair.

Let's have a look. It's magnificent.

It's so good.
I can't wait to see this.

OK, so here we go. Oh, yeah,
I'll get you up there, no problem.

What could go wrong?

OK, I'll... I can't hold it any
longer,

I'll just have to piss up myself.

And then...

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

What have you done
to commemorate this?

Tattoos done.
You got tattoos done?

Of what, of you upside-down?

Let's have a look.
Where's the tattoo?

Hang on, here it comes.

APPLAUSE

Oh, that is.

She's got my tits on her leg.

She has got your tits on her leg,
there's no...

Let's see what that's done to
the scores.

I can tell you, well,
Richard and Katherine have 16.

Rob and Judi have 19.
Maisie and Chris also have 19.

Neck and neck.

That's it for this part.
Thank you to Lisa and Lisa.

See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz,

the show that really makes
you think.

Mainly, it makes you think,
really, was that this year?

Our next round is all about people.

It was the year of Biden and Trump.

Trump won the US election,

and there was a certain
poetic justice.

Trump got rid of Americans'
abortion rights,

and now Americans
can't get rid of him.

On the upside,
Trump wears so much fake tan,

he's technically the second person
of colour to become president.

Right, time for some more questions.

This image of a man made headlines
back in March. Why?

If Chris gets this and we don't.

People thought he was someone.

He is a man who's in his either
badly kept late 40s or early 50s.

He's got salt and pepper hair,
it's not receding.

And then his nose is quite swollen,

like he has maybe
a medium alcoholism issue.

I think the alcohol problem,
I don't know if you can...

This is the thing, Jimmy, you're not
a friend to the blind like I am.

Uh-huh. And I know...

I don't think you're
that unattractive.

Oh, my God.

Friend to the blind
is the term we use for her.

That's it, honestly,
a friend to the blind.

More and more every year.

Yeah. And Chris will back me up in
saying that you can't be kind

with audio description,
you just have to say what you see.

How would you audio describe me?

A super hunk.

That was a really good self-edit.

Jimmy has the work ethic of
an immigrant

and the personal wealth of the
country that immigrant had to flee.

APPLAUSE

Fucking hell. That's why you're one
of the best.

I'd say your laugh is the reason
your parents

never tickled you growing up.

Oh, my days.

She's great.

You have these just
locked and loaded?

An AI, Jimmy, would give itself away
cos it'd have a personality.

This is the best bit
of the show.

APPLAUSE

OK. Question two in this round.

Lily Allen revealed that she's paid
less by Spotify

than she gets from another
surprising side hustle.

All I want to know is,
what is Lily Allen's side hustle?

Crochet?

What, sorry? Crochet.

I'll try it a third time.

Crochet.

Yep, it actually keeps building.

For our next question,
and I cannot stress this enough,

you are going to have to watch it.

For our next question,
it's over to Nella Rose.

Hi, Jimmy. As you know, I like to
keep abreast

of the viral trends online.

And back in April, I couldn't help
but notice people thirsting over

a viral picture of Mark Zuckerberg.

The picture was subtly edited,

turning Zuck into a daddy
in the process.

So can your team tell me what edit
was made, please?

The girls want to know.

Another great job.

She was great.

Thank you for respecting the quiz.

So Nella wants to know what was
added to a picture

of Mark Zuckerberg that made him
a daddy.

What made people thirst after him?

OK, for our final question,

it's over to esteemed actor
Charles Dance.

He will be reading an extract from
a celebrity autobiography

released this year,
but who is the mystery author?

Over to you, Charles.

I was ecstatic.

The public had voted for me to go on
a date with the new girl.

So far, there hadn't been a girl
on the show

who I'd really clicked with.

Even though I'd been coupled up
with Lucy, who was lovely,

I knew we wouldn't be
more than friends,

so I was excited to meet
the bombshell before the others.

I put on the tightest pair
of black trunks I could find,

and some of the guys walked me to
the door that led on to the terrace.

Before I went through, I dropped
down and did close to 100 press-ups.

I kid you not. Veins out,
chest like breasts.

I wanted to look muscular.

I was filled with adrenaline
and everyone was laughing,

so I told them to leave me alone
and let me get in the zone,

like I was about to get in the ring.

I walked onto the terrace,
looked in the corner,

saw Molly sat in the hot tub and
thought, oh, my God, yes.

I'd never seen anyone who was more
my type.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was as if the production team
had waved a magic wand.

APPLAUSE

OK, I've got some answers.
Are you ready?

Yes. All right, OK.

I asked you why this man
made headlines.

What did you put? Maisie, Chris,
what did you think?

This one was hard. We just guessed,
is it a big Al Pacino?

Richard, Katherine,
what have you got?

I thought it looked a little bit
like a disgruntled Russell Crowe

disconnecting his cable TV.
In a good way.

Or pulling a lost snake
out of his personhood.

What?

OK. You call it personhood.
You should narrate porn.

Yeah.

Rob, Judi? Well, we think it's what
people think might be Banksy.

That's why I drew the girl with
the balloon.

I tried to draw a rat
but it looks like a tampon. Sorry.

I mean, the art is very, very poor,

but that is the right answer.

People thought that was Banksy. OK.

Banksy likes me, you know?

Does he use the same scaffolding
company

as the people that do your face?

Round two, ding-ding.

Katherine, come on.

Because when he did
the installation Dismaland,

he booked me to do stand-up there

and then there have been other
instances like...

So do you take that as
a compliment?

Dismaland. He booked you
in Dismaland.

Oh, no! This place is Dismaland.

"Tell you what'll be shit, guys.
Katherine Ryan."

Work is work. Remember that,
everyone.

Work is work.

Nice, OK. Next, I asked you
what Lily Allen's side hustle was

that made her more money
than Spotify. Did you all get this?

Yeah, it's easy.

She's selling pictures
of her trotters, isn't she?

Very nicely put. She is.

I had a peek on there. She's got
lovely, lovely, lovely feet.

Not anyone can just whack their
trotters on to OnlyFans.

I thought you could have,
like, the most mash-up feet.

Cos there's people that will want
you to, like,

smash potatoes with your toes.

What's she doing with her feet?
Nothing sexual.

Sorry, Judi. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We can't just ride on as if no-one
said smash potatoes with your toes.

What? Yeah, I mean, everyone's had
someone ask.

Have you had weird offers?
I mean...

What have you been asked to do?

Mash potatoes with your trotters.

Mash potatoes with your feet?

Like, stepping in,
mashing potatoes with your feet.

Yeah, no, I know what you mean,
but it's...

Can we take a look at
your trotters?

They're not that pretty.

OK, that's getting on
a website ASAP now.

Yeah, there you go.
They're nice, Judi.

They're nice.
Here, Judi, come stand on these.

Wow.

What are we doing now?
Didn't even question it.

This is really...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a second, Judi. Keep going,

I'll do the audio description
for Chris.

I need a pot to put them in.
Where's the one you threw?

Here you go. This is my pot
of sweets.

This is the only thing
I come here for.

We're making the show viral.

By the time I finish this,
you might come again.

OK, so, Judi is...

She's picking up jelly babies
with her toes

and dropping them in a cup.

And it's maybe the least erotic
thing I've ever seen.

Judi, you're giving this away
for free.

It's ruining your revenue stream.

I've only got one more to do.
Three. Come on!

AUDIENCE: Two. One.

Get it in the cup!

CHEERING

Oh, my God.

APPLAUSE

Did I actually miss out on something
there or did I get away with it?

Honestly, I wish I was blind.

OK, so that was,
so Lily Allen's Side Hustle

is an OnlyFans where it's $10
a month for membership.

And those are her little feet.

Oh, look, Judi,
she's got nice feet.

Is that one foot?

OK, we asked you what was added to
a picture of Mark Zuckerberg

that made people thirst over him.
What did you put?

We put a moustache.

OK. What did you go for?

He had a fit beard. A fit beard.
Yeah.

What have you gone for, Katherine?

I thought a beard would be daddy,

but Richard disagreed
and put a tunnel into his stomach.

Into his stomach.

A what, sorry? A tunnel.

Into? His stomach.

You can just go in whenever
you want.

Well, let's have a look, shall we?

So that's what he looks like
on the left,

and then they've basically
Chris Martin-ed him.

Wow, Rob,
don't ever cut off your beard.

Really?
Cos he looks hotter with the beard.

You know that's not me, yeah?
No.

OK, Charles Dance read an extract
from an autobiography

from this year.

Who do you think wrote
that autobiography?

Tommy Fury. Tommy Fury.

OK, let's go over
to Charles Dance for the answer.

And that was, of course,

an extract from Lightning Can
Strike Twice,

My Life as a Fury by Tommy Fury.

Charles Dance, everyone.

APPLAUSE

It's time now for a bonus round.

I've got a special guest.
It's Star of the Traitors, Diane.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Diane. Now, you have a
question for us, drinks related.

Yes, so in the castle,
I was a Faithful,

and the Traitors had
to get rid of the Faithfuls,

and as I'm partial to a fizzy rose,

I was offered a fizzy rose,
but sadly,

it was in a poison chalice,
which I didn't know about.

Tonight, though, I brought some of
my own poison chalices

for the guests here. Hopefully, you
won't meet the same ending as I did.

Right, poison chalices, everyone.
Let's hand these out.

I'm nervous. The question is,

the pop star Dua Lipa this
year started a new drink trend

using some very interesting
ingredients.

Can you name those
ingredients, please?

How many ingredients are there?

There are three ingredients.

Three?

They can't see where they're going.
Honestly, it's full of wires here.

They stink!

There's pickle in there,
isn't there? There's pickle.

Tastes like my nan's attitude.

And a smile.

Write down your answers.

What three things are in
this drink?

There's something more rank than
just that in there.

It tastes like arse.

I think whoever's arse you're
tasting needs to see a doctor.

I've never tasted arse.

How'd you get on this show?

Just remembered that my gran
likes to watch

every time I'm on the telly.

All right, so what do you all
think is in this drink?

Have you tried something?
Do you want to try something?

We feel like we know. No, thanks.

Are you sure? No, I watched the
response. OK, all right.

Not falling for that again.

Our guess is jalapenos, pickle
juice, and mistrust with Diet Coke.

And what was the third thing?

Mistrust. Mistrust.

I thought you said Liz Truss.

It's a very similar thing.

OK, what have you got, Rob, Judi?

We've got pickle juice,
coke and spiced tomato juice.

Spice and tomato, so it's spice.

OK. No, no, it's not right.

Maisie, Chris?

Pickle juice,
soda water and Tabasco.

And the points go to...

That's right.
..Richard and Katherine.

That's right. Perfect.

APPLAUSE

And it is genuinely unpleasant.

So the ingredients were Diet Coke,
pickle juice and jalapeno juice.

And the secret, mistrust.

Let's see what that's done to
the scores.

OK, I can tell you,
Richard and Katherine, you got 20.

That's right.

Maisie, Chris, you got 22.

In the lead, Rob and Judi are in the
lead. How's this justice?

23.

That's it for this part.
Thank you again, Diane.

See you after the break. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to
the Big Fat Quiz of the Year.

Sadly, this is the last ever
Big Fat Quiz,

because in January,
we're putting the show on Ozempic.

This next round is all about sport.

Back in July,
England lost the final of the Euros.

It's an astonishing fact that
England's top goal-scorer,

Harry Kane, has never won a trophy
at club or international level.

And in fact, last Father's Day,
he received a mug saying,

World's Second Best Dad.

After the 2024 Paris Olympics,

Tom Daley announced he was retiring
from synchronised diving.

Sadly, his diving partner didn't
retire at exactly the same time,

so they didn't win anything.

OK, time for some sports questions.

Here's Adele talking about one
of her favourite sporting moments

of the year. All I want to know is,
what is she talking about?

It's all that me and my friends have
been talking about last night

after the show and today.
And I'm not saying anything.

I think it's the best thing that's
happened in the Olympics

the entire time. Have you seen it,
Eric? Have you seen it, guys?

Of course Matt hasn't seen it.

Aaron, my percussionist, is kissing
himself laughing.

I can't work out if it was
a joke, but either way,

it has made me very, very happy,

and many of my friends have been
shitting ourselves laughing.

Shitting ourselves laughing?

OK, so what is Adele talking about?

For our next question, it's over to
Paralympic legend Dame Sarah Storey.

Hi, Jimmy. Back in the summer,

I was delighted
to win my 19th gold medal

at the Paralympics in Paris.

Watching from the sidelines
was this,

the mascot for the Games.

But can your teams tell me what

inspired the creation
of this mascot?

OK, so what inspired that Olympic
mascot? It's a red triangle.

Should have been a square,
but it was missing a side.

Yeah.

That's a Paralympic joke.

All right, question number three
in the sports round.

Back in August, tennis legend Andy
Murray retired from tennis.

He posted on X a few hours after his
final match. What did he say?

Oh, what did he say?

So his final ever tennis match,

he tweeted a few hours later.

French Olympian Anthony Ammirati
made headlines

for crashing out of the Olympics
in an unusual way.

Oh, no, I thought that's him!

What happened? Oh, we found
your level.

Oh, no.

I've got answers for you.

I asked you what Adele's favourite
sporting moment of the year was.

What did you all put?
Oh, it's Raygun, isn't it?

It is Raygun. Yeah.

Raygun dancing. Raygun.
Did you get this?

She's called Raygun?

Yeah. Her name is Rachael Gunn,

and then her clever break dance
name is Raygun.

Raygun. Could you show us the dance?

We can't afford the footage of the
Olympics.

What was the dance like?

How are we winning this quiz?

This is why I've dressed
casual today.

There we go!

You know the whole dance?

That's what she did.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

When you were both up there doing
that sort of jittery stuff

like that, you know when we go to a
new city and there's some sort of,

like, drug problem and there's all
those zombies?

That's what she looks like.

Oh, Chris,
you couldn't enjoy my breaking.

No, that's all right.

I also couldn't enjoy it.

Just move on, Jimmy. Yeah.

Dame Sarah Storey asked what
inspired the Olympic

and Paralympic Games mascot.
What did you think?

I just turned to Chris
and he just went, Le fridge.

It was something about freedom.
The freedom fridge.

You're close.

What?! The fridge of freedom.
It's close?

What did you put, Richard?
Katherine?

A clitoris, because...

I don't think it looks like
a clitoris,

but when I was in Paris,

they said they don't like
their mascot,

because they think it looks like
a French clitoris.

OK, Rob, Judi?

Well, Judi went to the Olympics
and Paralympics,

and she said it was blood cells,

spat on my face by accident,
and then said, hearts.

The Frisian cat,

so it was the symbol of
the French Revolution.

Jimmy, le fridge, surely?

Well, I'll ask them upstairs.
Do they get a point for le fridge?

No.

Huh? You're joking.

All right, keep your hair on,
or maybe don't.

I am not having shit from you when
you look like a cross

between Lady Diana
and Hillary Clinton.

Stay in your lane.

OK, if you two could stop flirting
for a minute.

I asked you what Andy Murray posted
on X hours after his retirement.

What did you put?

Blood cells or not? No, no,
we didn't put blood cells.

That's the last one. Andy Murray did
not tweet blood cells.

Blood cells/hearts.
We put "Never liked tennis anyway."

Did he say that?
That is exactly the right answer.

Yes!

What did you put? We put that too.
Never liked tennis anyway.

Yeah. Did you put that? Yeah...Yeah.
OK. I never liked...

Liked tennis anyway. It makes no
sense and it's needlessly long.

Maisie? Never liked tennis anyway.

OK, never liked tennis anyway, yeah.

Finally, I asked you how French
Olympian Anthony Ammirati

crashed out of the Olympics.
I presume you all got this.

Yeah.

You bet. What a guy. Well, I didn't
get his proper name,

but Pole Vault Knob Guy.

I told you his name.

Oh. Well,
then you've already covered it.

He didn't. That was the problem.

Perfect. Rob, Judi,
did you get this?

His private parts hit
the pole bar. Delightful.

You'd take everybody knowing that
your knob knocked the pole

off the pole vault thing over
a gold medal any day of the week.

I'd love my knob
to knock anything over.

What are you dealing with, Rich?

What am I dealing with? Yeah.

This shit. Yeah.

I noticed, Richard,
you're the only one here

just protecting your career.

As if I have a career.

I wouldn't be here.

This is where people go to die.

Yeah, I wish that was more of
a joke from you.

Yeah, he knocked the pole off
with his penis.

Now, we're going to have what I can
only describe as

a very insensitive round now, Chris.

It's time for Say What You See.

Just write nothing
and he'll get points.

APPLAUSE

I love how flexible the format is,
depending on who's on it.

Yeah. OK, let's, uh...
What round are we on?

What round? Well,
you're on round one.

I think I've got more chance
at this than Judi has.

OK, so Maisie will be your eyes
for this, Chris.

Say what you see, take a look.

This is a sporting headline
from the year.

Sporting headline from the year.

What is the building, Jimmy?

Yes, you've got it! Well done.

APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh!

OK. Time's up, let's have a look and
see what you've got.

Maisie, Chris, let's go to you.
Say what you saw.

Come on, man. You got this.

Ed Sheeran invests in Boyhood Club.

CHEERING

Ed Shear-Anne inn-vests
inn Boy-hood Club

is exactly the right answer.

Rob, what did you write?

I've written Ed Sheeran pub arms pub
boy hood dance.

Oh, so close.

And what have you gone for,
Richard, Katherine?

Well, we put double-crossed
instead of vests.

That would have been good.

Double-crossed? He
was double-crossed in a pub

by the Riddler.

OK, so just so we're clear,
beaten by a blind man

in the Say What You See round.

APPLAUSE

I mean...

I'm not going to lie,
it's shocking.

First Strictly, now this.
There's nothing you can't do.

Because he's not even blind.

And that's a double cross.

How else is he going to beat me
on say what you see?

Richard Ayoade, we're both pretty
smart. One of us is smart.

I've got Rob Beckett.

OK, let's have a look and see what
that's done to the scores.

Oh, well, this is unbelievable.

Richard and Katherine, you've got
23 points.

Joint leaders, Maisie and Chris,
and Rob and Judi, leading.

No idea. Let's make up again.

There's no justice.

Time for a break.

And as I say to my girlfriend
during sex,

you can turn over if you like,

but it won't be as much fun
for you. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Big Fat Quiz,
where looking at the scores,

I can tell you,
it literally could be more exciting.

The next round is all about
the year's water cooler moments.

Farmers mounted huge protests
against increased taxes.

I personally hope
the farmers succeed,

and in unrelated news,
thinking about buying a farm.

All right,
for our first water cooler moment,

it's over to Love Is Blind's
Jasmine and Bobby.

Hi, Jimmy. In Love Is Blind,

we took the plunge in leaving the
dating scene behind us.

But we were intrigued by a viral
dating trend this summer

that had people actively seeking

a not necessarily conventionally
handsome boyfriend

with a svelte body and angular
features.

A term was coined
for this type of boyfriend.

Can your team tell us what it was?

Do you know? Yeah.

Here's some celebrity examples.

Yeah, perfect examples.

So what is the name of the trend?

Saltburn.

Saltburn. Just the name of a film
that came out the year before.

Fine. Really?

Back in June,

this woman became
an internet sensation for responding

to the question,
what's one move in bed

that makes a man go crazy every
time. What did she say?

I can tell you Haliey Welch
is her name.

And she's being interviewed
in Texas.

Hang on, Judi's got an answer.

Finally...

It's Judi's...

APPLAUSE

We found Judi's
specialist round there.

OK, take a look at these people
taking part

in an online travel trend this year.

What are they doing?

So these guys are, Chris, staring
into the middle distance.

They're all sat on a plane, staring.

Really? Yeah.

What does that mean?

OK, here's a clip of a group of kids
on TV in Ireland back in September.

All I want to know is,
what are they talking about?

It was just crazy.

I don't think anybody in
the cabin expected it.

Anybody in the world expected it.

So we made it for Cruinniu na nOg,

but we put it up online and somehow
it blew up.

Brilliant. OK.
You ready for answers?

Yeah. All right, OK.

So we asked you what dating trend
had people looking

for not necessarily conventionally
handsome boyfriends

with svelte bodies and angular
features. What did you think?

Rodent man.

Yeah, man.

You sound like a nun having
road rage.

Yeah. Rodent man!

The Marvel universe has gone too far
this time.

What do you think it was,
Maisie, Chris?

We put Rodent Boy/Sexy Rat Boy.

Yeah, that's what I...

It's called Hot Rodent, officially.

And it is these men who have tiny,
beady little eyes,

angular features,
ears protruding a lot of the time,

but somehow they're sexy.
I don't get it.

OK, so I think points all round
for Rodent Boy. Thank you.

I asked you how this woman responded
to the question,

what's one move in bed that makes
a man go crazy every time?

What did you all put?

I don't even know what either
of these terms denote.

Where have you been, Richard, this
year? Where have you been?

I've been revisiting early 1950s
British noir.

Well, this happens quite
a lot in noir movies. Yeah.

I reckon Richard's
a good cryptic crossword.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.

At least allow some dignity in
the affairs.

I did answer the question.

So a stranger in the street
asked her how to make

a man go crazy, and she said,

in an adorable Southern accent,

You gotta spit on that thang,
give him a hawk tuah."

And everybody loved it.
Let's take a look.

What's one move in bed that makes
a man go crazy every time?

Oh, you gotta give him that
hawk tuah

and spit on that thang, you get me?

And now she's a captain
of industry.

I call it
the Katherine Ryan story. OK.

Richard, just out of interest,
what is your go-to move in bed?

What do you mean, out of interest?

Out of interest.

Rob, what's your move in the
bedroom? Just try everything,

throw the kitchen sink at it
and hope for the best.

And if something's not working,
don't get down,

or maybe get down,
see what you need to do.

But just keep morale up, keep going,

and everyone's trying to aim
for the same thing.

Keep morale up?

Yeah. Because sometimes... Morale!

He makes it sound like he's
going to bring Vera Lynn in.

No, come on. I didn't say that.

# We'll meet again. #

I asked you what travel trend these
people were taking part in.

What did you put?

Well, it sort of carries on from
the last conversation, raw dogging.

Well, sometimes that can help
with not letting morale down.

Yeah, exactly. Did you all get this?

Well, yeah. This is going
on a flight, no devices,

no entertainment, just staring at
the map. It's all bollocks.

It's just for an Instagram photo
and then they all put the telly on.

Yeah.

I asked you what a group of kids
were talking about on Irish TV.

What did you put?
Oh, Chris knew this.

He said rap song called The Spark.

OK, what did you put, Rob, Judi?

Viral rap.

OK, and you've got...
Richard got this one.

Junior production
of Waiting For Godot.

I'm working a different room here.

I'm tempted to give it to you
because it's so close.

Let's take a look.

# Think you can stop what we do?
I doubt it

# We got the energy, we'll tell you
all about it

# I searched for my spark
and I found it

# Everybody in the crowd,
start bouncing... #

APPLAUSE

It's a bop.

OK, so all comes down to this,
the big question,

and to ask it, the stars from one
of this year's biggest TV hits,

Please welcome Electro, Phantom and
Diamond from Gladiators.

APPLAUSE

OK.

I don't know where
to look, genuinely.

Jimmy, they could knock you out.

They could knock me out?
Oh, you're having a laugh,

Do you want tickets
to the gun show?

A gun show? I don't know,
Electro was saying...

Where are the guns? Yeah,
we don't think you've been gym

a day in your life. What?

Wow, Jimmy, don't.

I am Jim.

Jimmy, you look like you've been
fucking laminated.

Now, you've been on
Celebrity Gladiators. Yes.

What was your gladiator name?

The Beaver.

The crowd, it's all kids, isn't it?

They all started chanting,
Beaver, Beaver.

And they're all, because he's in
Sheffield,

they're all like Northern kids,
they're all going,

"Come on, The Beaver."

Gladiator names,
what would you have?

I'd be called Spice.

Yeah.

Like the drug?

Maisie?

I've got my glitters on today, so
maybe, singing off your hymn sheet,

I'd go a little bit...
I'd go Glitterous.

Also, it'll be hard to find you,
won't it,

when they're playing a game?

For you, Rob.

I feel like we're not...

Like, talking man-to-man,
like, you know?

Man-to-man? Yeah, what do you press?

How much do you weigh?
65 kilograms.

Could you pick Jimmy up?

100%.

We can do that, we can try and
get you...

All right, if I.
Don't be scared, mate.

I feel slightly... Go on, gang.
Snap him.

What do you mean, snap him? Ready?
Yeah, go on. Pick me up.

Cool. Oh, there we go.

Cool. There we go. All right.

APPLAUSE

Actually, if you're interested,
this is how I come in the box.

Hang on.
Oh, Jesus. All right.

OK, so you've got a question.
What's the...?

The fluid is draining away from
the hair. You need to hurry up.

OK, cool.

What was the most watched single
sporting event of 2024 in the UK?

Well, it'll be this after it goes
out. All right, second question.

What film had the biggest weekend
opening at the UK box office? OK.

And who was the most streamed artist
on Spotify in the UK?

OK, so most streamed artist,

biggest box office weekend for
a movie,

and...whatever the other one was.
I'm having a lovely time.

Sporting event.

Most watched single sporting
event. OK, and then for the...

OK, if they've got answers,

can you turn me round
so I can see them a bit better?

Whoa, whoa. What's going on?

I didn't think you could look
more less human.

OK, have you got your answers?
Let's get your answers.

Yep. Maisie, Chris, what have
you got?

Oh, our screen's frozen, but we...
OK.

Euros final for the first one,
Wicked for the second,

and then Ed Sheeran for the last.

OK. What have you gone for,
Rob, Judi?

Euro final,
Wicked and Taylor Swift.

And what have you gone for?

Was there football this year?

Euros finale,
Wicked and Taylor Swift.

OK, I can tell you it is Euros
final, Wicked and Taylor Swift.

APPLAUSE

Legs first. Oh, my God.

Right, let's see what that's done to
the final scores.

OK, that means... Oh, my God,
there is no justice in this world.

In last place, even though they, I
think, did the best,

Maisie and Chris with 40.

I can't believe that.
Cannot believe that.

In second place,
they barely took any interest,

with 41 points,
Richard and Katherine.

This year is mental.
The Big Fat Quiz winners,

Rob Beckett and Judi Love.

APPLAUSE

That's it for The Big Fat Quiz.

A big thank you to our brilliant
panel, our special guests,

and thank you all for watching.
Goodnight!

APPLAUSE