All language subtitles for The Honeymooners (1955) s01e14.en

With the stars...

and...

Captioning sponsored by

Hey, Norton!

Norton!

Ahh!

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Nothing.

Just that you looked a
little strange, that's all.

I didn't know it
was you at first.

What'd you expect to
come out of the sewer?

The man in a gray flannel suit?

Boy, that outfit is
certainly a doozy.

Well, come on,
let's eat our lunch.

I ain't got no lunch.

My lunch is back in Brooklyn.

What, did you
forget to bring it?

No, I didn't forget
to "brung" it.

I dropped it on the job here.

Oh, don't worry...

If I'm any judge of currents,
it back in Brooklyn right now.

Don't worry about it,
pal. You can eat my lunch.

I'm not hungry anyways.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

When you offer me your lunch,
it's either one of two things:

Alice made you
tuna fish sandwiches,

or else you want to
borrow money from me.

Ham. You want to borrow money.

It just so happens, Norton,

that I happen to have
one of the greatest ideas

I've ever had in my life. Yeah?

You know that costume party
they're running tomorrow night

down at the Racoons Lodge? Yeah.

I know how to win the
very first prize, which is $50.

So do I.

How?

Have the best costume.

Certainly, that's the answer.

But only we know that.

Take those guys. They don't have

the head for it
down at the lodge.

Look what happens every
year they run a costume party.

What does Cassidy show up in?

Cuts down his wife's dress
and goes as Tugboat Annie.

Look at Riley. Throws a
white sheet over his head

and says he's Julius Caesar.

Wait a minute, I was talking
to Riley a little while ago.

This year he's gonna
make a change, he says.

This year he's gonna throw a sheet
over him, and go as Marc Antony.

Well, that ain't gonna
win him the prize, either.

My way is the only way.

What way is that?

Well, to start off
with, you lend me $10.

I go down to a real
costuming house,

and get a professional costume.

That means that the other
guys ain't got a chance.

How can they win
with me running around

in a professional costume,

and them wearing
those homemade things?

And get this:

I invest $10, I win $50,

which gives me a $40 profit.

Ralph.

You are a genius.

Really think so, Norton?

I know so!

Because you think like me.

That's why you can't
get the $10 from me,

because we're both
geniuses and we think alike.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you. Just a minute.

Hey there, Marty,
throw up that package

I got down there, will you?

Know what's in
this here package?

A costume I rented this morning

for the party tomorrow night.

You rented a costume?

Certainly I rented a costume.

I'm gonna win the $50 prize.

I told you we both think alike.

Norton, you are a snake.

Of all the low-down conniving
tricks, to steal my idea!

What do you mean,
steal your idea?

It was an original idea.

We both got the original
idea at the same time.

Don't give me that.

You never had an
original idea in your life.

Wait a minute, I take that back.

You did have one original idea.

Your idea for that kids'
cereal, pablum on pizza.

Just don't laugh, don't
laugh, it's catching on.

It's catching on, huh?

Well, I just want you to
know what you just did.

You just declared total war.

Not only did you steal my idea,

but you used the
$10 I was gonna use

to put my idea into operation.

Just remember,
Norton, this is total war!

Now, wait a minute.
Just simmer down.

Just, just simmer down.

Look at the facts,
look at the facts.

I got this here
costume this morning.

You told me about your
idea a couple minutes ago.

How did I steal your idea?

I don't know how you
did it, but you did it!

I had this idea more
than a week ago.

You didn't tell me about it!

How could I steal your
idea, huh? How, huh?

I don't know, but you did.

And it's not gonna do
you any good, Norton.

Just remember that.
It'll do you no good.

All right.

And another thing.
I'm winning, pal.

I'm winning! No
matter what you do.

That's the way
you feel about it?

Nothing left to say, is there?

Just one more thing, Norton.

From here on in, we
are deadly enemies.

I don't want to see you, I
don't want to talk to you,

I don't want to have
nothing to do with you.

If you see me coming
down the street,

get on the other side.

When you come down the street,

there ain't no other side!

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Hello.

Alice...

I'm going to come
right to the point.

I don't want any
beefs, no arguments.

I want you to be reasonable,
and I'll be reasonable.

This is my request.

I want $10.

All right, Ralph.

Whenever you come in
here with this approach,

I know you're about
to start in again

on another one of your
crazy, harebrained schemes.

This is no crazy,
harebrained scheme.

You know that the costume
party is tomorrow at the lodge.

I know how to win the $50 prize.

All I need is the $10
to get my costume.

I got it all picked out.

I'm going as King Henry VIII.

Nothing doing, Ralph.
I can't spare the $10.

All right.

I said I'd be
reasonable, and I will be.

If you can't give
me $10, I'll take $5.

For $5, I can go
as Billy the Kid.

I'll tell you what I will do.

I'll give you a tin can,

you can go as Billy the goat.

Ho-oh!

Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho!

Bang, zoom!

Listen to me, Ralph.

I don't want to hear
any more nonsense

about renting a costume.

I told you over a week ago
to start making your own.

Now, why don't you
use some originality,

show some ingenuity?

Why don't you use your brains?

'Cause I want to win
first prize, that's why!

Well, you can work it out
any way you want, Ralph.

All I know is you're
not getting the $10.

And I got to hurry up
and get dinner ready

'cause the Nortons are
gonna be here any minute.

What are the Nortons
coming down here for?

I invited them for dinner.

Oh, is that so? Well,
for your information,

the Nortons aren't
setting foot in this house.

Ralph, I had to
invite them for dinner.

Don't you realize
we've had dinner

at their house three
nights this week already?

Ha! That's their hard luck.

I don't mind Trixie
eating here, but Norton?

Not a morsel does he get.

Bon jour, everybody.

Happy "Charles Boyer" to you.

Ed!

How do you like it, Alice?

I just thought I'd slip it
on and see how it felt.

Get the feel of it, you know?

Oh, Ed, you look wonderful.

But who are you supposed to be?

I am Pierre Francois
de la Brioski.

Well, who was he?

Who was he? You
never heard of him?

No.

Oh, he's been a childhood hero

and idol of mine
since I was a kid.

Well, what was he,
a king or something?

What? Are you kidding?
A king or something?

Pierre Francois de la
Brioski was a great man.

He designed and built
the sewers of Paris.

Well, it certainly
is quite a costume.

Isn't it, Ralph?

That is the most
ridiculous thing

I've ever seen in my life.

Methinks I detect the presence
of a green-eyed monster.

You don't detect nothing.

I'm not jealous of you, Norton.

Just remember,

any dope with $10
can rent a costume.

And on top of it, you
stole the idea from me.

Peasant.

In the words of the immortal
Pierre Francois de la Brioski,

What is that supposed to mean?

It means wait till
tomorrow night

see who the judges pick as
winner at the costume ball.

You don't frighten me, pal.

You think you're
gonna win that ball?

That gives me a laugh.

That gives me a laugh.

I'm the one that's gonna win it!

Oh, you're gonna win it?

Up to now, I wasn't interested

in going into the contest.

Not at all, pal.

But just to teach you a
lesson once and for all,

I am going into the contest
with my own original costume

that I will make up myself.

It's not 'cause I
want to win the $50.

It's not because I want
to show off my talents,

how good I am at
originating things,

but only to teach you a lesson.

Now, what've you
got to say to that?

In the words of the immortal...

Pierre Francois de la Brioski,

le plumme est...!

Oh, shut up.

All right, all right, now.

The two of you can
break it up right now.

Dinner's almost
ready. Ed, where's Trix?

She's upstairs.

She's coming
down in a little while.

They can sit down
and eat first. I'll wait.

Won't hurt me to wait
a couple hours to eat.

No, it won't hurt you, but
it'll be tough on the farmers!

Come on, Ed, you sit down;

I want to take a
look at the roast.

Bellevue is calling.

Ralph, what're you doing?

I'm making my costume,
that's what I'm doing.

With the icebox door?

Yes, with the icebox door.

Don't get upset, I'll
put it back on tomorrow.

But Ralph, by tomorrow,

all the food that's in
there will be spoiled.

Don't worry about that.

Just invite him
down, he'll eat it.

What kind of a costume
can he be making?

I don't know, but if he
took the whole icebox,

I'd say he was
going as a junk man.

Ralph!

I need knobs.

You said, "Use
your imagination."

My imagination
says I need knobs.

Well, that's just great, Ralph.

Now, supposing I need
something in that drawer,

how am I gonna get it open?

There's nothing that you'll want

that's in that drawer that
can't wait till tomorrow.

Where's the flashlight?

It's in with the things
that can wait till tomorrow.

Hey, Ralph, come
on, will you tell me,

what kind of a costume
are you making, anyway?

I knew you were
gonna ask that question.

I knew you were
gonna ask that question.

But you'll get no
answer from me.

You stole one idea from me,
you're not stealing this one.

Just remember that, pal.

It's in the thing that can
wait till tomorrow, huh?

Hoo, I'd like to... All right.

Ralph?

What is he doing, anyway?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I'm making a costume that's
gonna make a fool of you, pal.

That's gonna look like a
piece of French cheesecloth

when I'm finished.

And you are gonna
look even sillier

than that sissy hero of yours...

That Brioski, or
whatever his name is.

Now, just a minute.

You're talking
about a great man.

A great man who designed
and built the sewers of Paris.

Sure he built the
sewers of Paris.

Anybody that dresses like
that's got to have a place to hide.

You can go so far, Ralph.

I'm not taking any more of this.

I don't care if you insult me.

You can call me
anything you like.

But when you insult Pierre
Francois de la Brioski,

you insult the honor of France.

I challenge you to a duel!

Do you have any seconds?

I got some seconds.

I got two seconds.

And you better
use 'em to get out!

Get out!

Ralph, can I come in now?

No, you can't!

Haven't got the
whole costume on yet,

I don't want you to
see it until it's all on.

I want you to get
the full effect of this.

I hope you know it's
getting late, Ralph.

I'd like to get in
there and wash up.

Well, wash up in
the kitchen sink.

I can't. You're using the
faucet as part of your costume.

And I can't play the radio,
'cause you're using the tubes.

I can't even open the window
'cause you got the sash cord.

Get ready!

I'm coming out!

Bet you're spellbound, huh?

Thought I couldn't
do it, didn't you, Alice?

Can you see the faces
on them down there

when I walk in with this?

You gotta admit it,
Alice. You gotta admit it.

When the chips are
down, I'm ready to go.

The wheels are turning
up here at all times.

Well... what do you think?

I think you're nuts.

None of your funny stuff, Alice.

What do you think
of the costume?

Well, I gotta admit, it
certainly is original, Ralph.

There's one question
I'd like to ask you.

Losing it already.

Let me have that.

That's my de-naturizer.

While we're on the subject,

what're you supposed to be?

What am I supposed to be?

The man from space.

Oh! Is that what a man
from space looks like?

What's the matter?

Aren't you up on current events?

Don't you read the papers?

Don't you read comic books?

That's the trouble with you.

You don't know the
latest developments.

I don't know the
latest developments?

Who is it that lets your
pants out every other day?

Oh, you're a riot,
Alice! A regular riot!

Regardless of what you say,

this is going to
win the first prize.

They'll know what
I am down there.

Ralph, you asked me

what I thought of your
costume, so I told you.

I did not recognize you
as the man from space,

and no matter what you think,

the judges are not going
to recognize it, either.

It's just a matter of
time, Alice, that's all.

We'll be there in an
hour or so, we'll find out.

Well.

I don't care about the $50.

I just want to teach
Norton a lesson.

Don't be too confident, Ralph.

Norton looked pretty
cute in that outfit of his.

Pretty cute? Ha!

There's a laugh.

Hiya.

Come back here!

Whoo!

Oh, it's you, Ralph.

Boy, you had me
scared there for a minute.

I thought we were being invaded!

Invaded? Did you
hear that, Alice?

It didn't take him long to find
out that I'm the man from space.

Space? Who said
anything about space?

I thought we were being
invaded by Sherman tanks.

Well, this is what I made
from the stuff around the house.

Yeah. What's your opinion?

Well, frankly, I liked it
better when it was furniture.

Well, No matter what you think,

I'm walking off with the prize.

This will make
a fool out of you,

and your costume
alongside of this is going

to look like a piece
of French cheesecloth.

And it's gonna
make you look sillier

than that French hero of yours.

Well, if you don't mind,

I'd rather not hear you mention

that Brioski's name
anymore today.

Why not? I thought
he was your idol.

The man who built the sewers.

Well, I did a little
reading up on him today.

He didn't build the sewers.

He condemned them.

That must've came as
a terrible blow to you.

Oh, well, cest la glorie.

Yeah.

Ooh! My, my, my.

What have we here?

Look who strolled
into the lounge!

And what's your name, little
girl, and how old are you?

My name is Alice, and
I'm 12 going on 12½!

What do you think,
Ralph? How do you like it?

Where's the other
half of that costume?

That's all it is, Ralph.

I'm supposed to
be a 12-year-old girl.

Your knees are showing!

Of course, my knees are showing.

A 12-year-old girl's knees
are supposed to show.

Not any 12-year-old
girl that's married to me!

You walk into that party,

everybody'll be
looking at your knees!

All right, Ralph, I'll fool 'em.

I'll walk in backwards.

Ed, Ed... I've got
some awful news!

Oh, I'm so mad, I could cry.

Simmer down. What
do you mean, cry?

Crying never solved anything.

'Member the old saying, "Laugh
and the world laughs with you,

"cry and you cry alone"?
What's the bad news?

Your foreman called.

There's an emergency up
at the 225th Street sewer

and he wants you to
go up there right away!

But I don't want
to work tonight!

He said if you don't
go, you'll lose your job.

Oh, that's a shame, Ed.

Yeah, what're you gonna do, Ed?

Well, what can you
do at a time like this?

Duty calls, you got to answer
the call to duty, that's all.

Just one of those
days for me, I guess.

First of all I find out that
my hero, my childhood idol,

Pierre Francois de
la Brioski, is a phony.

I waste 50 cents on
some new snuff today.

Now I got to go to work.

Poor Norton.

Yes, poor Norton.

Nobody does the Peabody like me!

Well...

I'm going to get some punch.

I guess... I guess it's time
we picked the winner, huh?

Yeah, we might as
well get it over with.

Can we get on with
the costume contest?

Look, Ralph, will you
stop bothering us?

It isn't me, I'm in no hurry.

It's just the rest of them...

They're all impatient.

I'll go in and tell them
to keep their shirts on.

Say, did you happen to get
a load of Cassidy's costume?

He's got his wife's
dress on again.

Tugboat Annie,
same as last year.

Riley's got the sheet again.

Yeah. Julius Caesar.

Did you get a good
look at my outfit?

Well, all right, Ralph.

I'm ready, bring them in now.

Oh. Let's go.

All right, everybody.

They're gonna judge the contest.

Oh, come on, Trix,
come on, everybody.

Come on, come
on. Come on, line up

Now, friends,

we've narrowed the
contest down to two people.

But before we make
our final choice,

we want to see them again.

Now, first, we have
Ralph Kramden.

I had no idea!

We chose Kramden

for his wonderful impersonation

of a pinball machine.

Pinball machine?

Well, sure.

That's what you're
supposed to be, isn't it?

Oh, certainly.

And next, we have Pete Woodruff.

Oh!

We chose Woodruff
for his costume

depicting a playboy
of the roaring '20s!

Nice rented costume
you have there, Pete.

It's all rented.

Well, we have decided
who the winner is.

The winner is...

Well, who are you?

It's me, Norton.

Am I too late for the eats?

Well, you may be too late

for the eats, Norton,

but you're not too late
to win the first prize.

$50 for the man from space.

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org