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>> randy: now, the haggar pantspresidential debate
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with your host...
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>> carter hawkins!
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Hello, america!
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And welcome
To the haggar pants presi--
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Whoa, wait.
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That's a lot of haggar pants.
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>> I mean, how much
Is haggar paying us?
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>> man: actually, they just
Paid in pants.
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>> like these haggar comfort lux
Dress pants caressing my thighs
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Like a lover?
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>> feel pretty great, huh?
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>> like if a poem
Could be pants.
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>> uh...
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>> so, then I introduce
The candidates, which --
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I just assume they're coming?
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>> oh, yeah.
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A car is picking up killface.
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>> no. No, fred,
I don't wear pants.
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So, I'm not very familiar
With "Hag are."
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>> um, it's actually
Pronounced "Hay ger"
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>> is that right?
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>> yeah, the company founder
Joseph marian haggar,
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Who was orig--
>> ( bleep ) penguins.
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>> and billionaire buffoon
Zander crews?
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>> he is route now
By other means.
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>> and "Other means" means?
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>> could you possibly
Go any slower?
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>> well, it's overloaded!
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>> thanks, genius.
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>> muffin-top express here.
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>> we'll never make it
Downtown at this rate.
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>> why are the neo-nazis
Doing a meth deal
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In such a public place?
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>> because that's how jerry
Wants it.
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>> jerry?
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>> you mean gary!
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>> who?
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>> wait a minute.
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Just who the hell are you guys?
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>> I am actually.
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>> well, you didn't have
To lie to me.
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>> well, I'm sorry.
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>> xander crews.
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I hold the american tradition
Of spirited political debate
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As sacred as the next
Freakin' guy.
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>> and which is why you gotta
Take me...
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>> to the haggar pants arena!
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>> holy crap,
Those are big pants.
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>> yes, rudy,
They are big pants.
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But soon,
They'll be nothing
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But a smoldering tomb
For my nemesis...
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>> killface.
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>> wait for it!
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>> I'm sorry.
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I thought you blanked.
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>> it was a dramatic pause.
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>> I don't know if you realize
How long you're pausing.
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>> my nemesis...
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>> both: killface!
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>> sorry.
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You should get
A little tape recorder.
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>> wait a minute, I can't go
To a presidential debate
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Dressed like this!
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>> yeah, you kinda look
Like a boob.
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>> you have boobs.
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>> boobs.
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Baby's lunch bag.
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>> ( smacking )
>> eat that lunch, baby.
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>> ( horn honks )
>> hey, ( bleep ) you!
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Pants car!
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>> yeah, okay, okay.
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Turn left up there.
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>> on billionaire boulevard?
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>> yeah, I should have
A tuxedo there.
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Or...
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This polycotton suck fest!
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>> I remember when you were
Happy with a radish.
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( stutters )
Go!
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>> huh?
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>> that is when you go,
Is on "Radish!"
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>> I thought you were pausing.
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>> you can't go to the club
Like that.
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They'll think we're not
Doing really great!
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[ tires squeal ]
>> well, it's about
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Bloody time.
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>> ( mumbling )
>> no, you can't
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Has cheeseburger.
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We're late enough --
No!
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Oh, my god.
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Those are really big pants.
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>> yeah, there's the big pants!
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Would you go?
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>> would you relax?
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We got tons of time.
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>> ( hip hop music plays )
♪ you like what I got
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♪ but baby don't test me
♪ put the child down
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♪ 'cause I swear it gets messy
>> what the ( bleep )
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Are you staring at?
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No! Hey, hey--
>> xander: put your hands down.
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Move your hand. Move your hand.
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Stop it!
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>> come on.
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Disgusting.
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>> well, maybe you should
Have thought of that.
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>> well, maybe you should
Have jumped in!
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>> when?
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It literally lasted one second.
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>> you are one-hitter quitter.
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>> ( sighs )
>> they have old-time
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Soda fountain.
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>> we don't have time
For ice cream!
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>> well, do you have time
To pay for those tampons?
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>> um...
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Oh, yeah, this is a t-shirt.
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( nervous laughter )
>> sir.
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>> shut up. Ronnie.
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Wendell.
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>> nah, I'm broke as a joke.
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>> ( struggling )
You're ( bleep ) robbing me?
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>> yeah.
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And we're taking the chicken.
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>> bawk bawk!
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>> ( bleep ) albinos.
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>> sir--
>> we only bloodied two of them.
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>> you wanna watch
While I call the police?
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>> oh, wait, I think I got
Some money down here
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In my sock.
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00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:41,917
>> see? He's got sock money.
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00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:42,917
>> but, uh...
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>> here, you lick.
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With tongue.
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>> you got change for a .38?
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>> what the ( bleep ) wendell!
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>> ah, ah!
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Wendell x.
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[ police siren ]
>> actually I think I will
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Have some ice cream.
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00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:01,958
>> I could do another one.
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00:05:02,042 --> 00:05:02,958
>> let's get all the ice cream.
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00:05:03,042 --> 00:05:04,042
>> you get the ice cream.
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00:05:04,125 --> 00:05:05,208
I will go get heroine.
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00:05:05,042 --> 00:05:07,167
>> all right, let's get
Some heroine and some ice cream,
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And then we definitely
Have to go.
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>> I hear you. I get it.
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00:05:12,458 --> 00:05:14,375
I mean, he can't debate himself
Up there.
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>> I know, but --
>> well, hawk,
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I think I'm prepared to.
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>> well, I hope you're prepared
To die!
150
00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:25,833
>> miss, would you, um, mind
Moving your box?
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>> yeah, would you mind
Moving your --
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Face.
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00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:30,208
Heh heh.
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00:05:30,292 --> 00:05:31,958
>> uh, seriously, I can't see.
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>> oh, sorry.
156
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>> oh! Damn woman!
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>> sorry.
158
00:05:35,208 --> 00:05:36,125
>> you got a big ass box.
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00:05:36,208 --> 00:05:38,125
>> yeah, um--
>> big ass box,
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You know what I'm saying?
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>> yeah!
162
00:05:40,208 --> 00:05:41,208
You got a double entendre going.
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00:05:41,042 --> 00:05:42,208
Good work.
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00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,375
>> talking 'bout a large vagina.
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>> oh, mister ford.
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I could just eat you up.
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00:05:46,292 --> 00:05:48,250
>> ( laughs )
>> ( smacking )
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>> okay, let's get the show
On the road, now.
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>> there they are!
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I saw the big pants first.
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The gold doubloon is mine!
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>> and by god,
You shall have it.
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Kenneth, get me
A firing solution!
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00:06:04,625 --> 00:06:05,542
>> kenneth.
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00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:06,542
>> I'm sorry.
176
00:06:06,625 --> 00:06:08,125
I thought you were pausing.
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00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,417
>> I heard they were big,
But I did not know
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They were that big.
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00:06:11,708 --> 00:06:13,042
>> I love this country.
180
00:06:13,125 --> 00:06:15,083
>> and I'm gonna be
President of it.
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00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,000
>> in three, two, one...
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Fire!
183
00:06:20,792 --> 00:06:22,125
>> bomb away!
184
00:06:22,208 --> 00:06:24,000
>> you mean, bombs away.
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00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:25,000
Plural!
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00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:26,500
>> no, we just had the one.
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>> you know...
188
00:06:27,875 --> 00:06:28,792
>> they're pretty pricey.
189
00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:31,125
[ bomb approaches ]
>> ooh, is that fireworks?
190
00:06:31,208 --> 00:06:32,375
>> that's so great.
191
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:35,833
>> I know that sound,
That's a bomb!
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00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:39,833
>> ( cheering )
>> oh! What was that?
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>> good lord.
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>> oh, my god,
The pants are coming down!
195
00:06:44,625 --> 00:06:45,917
>> look out, eagle!
196
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,375
>> wha-- oomph!
197
00:06:50,125 --> 00:06:52,792
>> ( squeaks )
>> who is "Taliban"?
198
00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:55,292
>> ( squeaks )
>> and who is steven seagal?
199
00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:57,625
>> ( squeaks )
>> oh, you're drunk.
200
00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:59,625
( sirens )
>> well, there's something
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You don't see everyday.
202
00:07:01,083 --> 00:07:02,042
>> one hopes.
203
00:07:02,125 --> 00:07:04,625
>> ( coughing )
Wow.
204
00:07:04,708 --> 00:07:06,042
That's some big pants.
205
00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:08,417
>> buddy,
Hey, you with me?
206
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,417
>> some of me.
207
00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:11,250
>> yeah, your legs are...
208
00:07:11,333 --> 00:07:12,250
Crushed.
209
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:13,250
>> thanks, genius.
210
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,542
>> and these giant pants
Are kinda...
211
00:07:15,625 --> 00:07:16,542
Holding all your blood in.
212
00:07:16,625 --> 00:07:17,625
>> oh, that's good.
213
00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:19,583
>> but when we lift them off,
You're gonna bleed out
214
00:07:19,667 --> 00:07:21,000
In, like, 30 seconds.
215
00:07:21,083 --> 00:07:22,000
>> oh, that's bad.
216
00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,208
>> man: crane's ready, roy!
217
00:07:23,042 --> 00:07:26,125
>> so, is there anybody
You wanna spend that time with?
218
00:07:26,208 --> 00:07:29,042
>> just you, eagle.
219
00:07:29,125 --> 00:07:31,458
>> I really oughta get in there.
220
00:07:31,542 --> 00:07:33,458
>> dude, literally,
30 seconds.
221
00:07:33,542 --> 00:07:34,833
>> yeah.
222
00:07:34,917 --> 00:07:37,833
Yeah, stay gold, pony boy.
223
00:07:37,917 --> 00:07:42,542
>> I would like to have seen
Hannah montana.
224
00:07:42,625 --> 00:07:45,083
Oh!
225
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,042
>> gross.
226
00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:50,083
>> no, but if he doesn't
Show up,
227
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,500
He's in forfeit, or --
>> xander: whoo!
228
00:07:52,583 --> 00:07:54,917
Who's ready to play the feud!
229
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:55,917
This guy!
230
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,542
>> now we'll never know.
231
00:07:57,625 --> 00:07:59,167
>> you look sharp.
232
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,875
>> you don't have to be crappy.
233
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,042
>> psst, xander.
234
00:08:02,125 --> 00:08:04,250
>> gra--
>> wave to the news lady.
235
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,042
>> hey, you!
236
00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:07,125
>> where the hell have you been?
237
00:08:07,208 --> 00:08:08,667
>> uh...
238
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:12,708
>> ( evil laughter )
>> um...
239
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:14,708
>> come my chitinous friend.
240
00:08:14,792 --> 00:08:18,417
Your mistress summons you
From the briny deep!
241
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:20,792
>> cuckow!
242
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,542
>> that doesn't matter.
243
00:08:22,625 --> 00:08:24,750
>> duh!
244
00:08:24,833 --> 00:08:28,125
>> but, I have something
Really important to ask you.
245
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,833
>> uh, no, you can't
Has cheeseburgers,
246
00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:33,208
You big fatty.
247
00:08:33,042 --> 00:08:34,208
>> you know...
248
00:08:34,042 --> 00:08:36,167
>> why are you so fat?
249
00:08:38,875 --> 00:08:40,792
>> announcer: and now,the haggar pants
250
00:08:40,875 --> 00:08:42,792
presidential debate,with your host...
251
00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:43,833
>> carter hawkins!
252
00:08:43,917 --> 00:08:47,708
Hello, america, and welcome
To the haggar pants --
253
00:08:47,792 --> 00:08:50,208
( sighs )
All right, first question,
254
00:08:50,042 --> 00:08:52,375
Both candidates --
Article two of the united states
255
00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:53,375
Constitution.
256
00:08:53,458 --> 00:08:54,417
>> what?
257
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:55,417
>> um...
258
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,417
>> wait, why does he get
A spirit animal?
259
00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:58,417
>> ooh!
260
00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,417
>> I think my buzzer's broken!
261
00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:00,417
>> the one about tariffs?
262
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:01,667
>> no.
263
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,000
It's the one that says you have
To be at least 35 years old
264
00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:07,125
And a u.S. Citizen
In order to be president.
265
00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:08,458
>> well, that can't be right.
266
00:09:08,542 --> 00:09:10,042
I'm not even a legal resident.
267
00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:12,042
>> and I'm only 33.
268
00:09:12,125 --> 00:09:13,042
>> oh, ( bleep ) it, man.
269
00:09:13,125 --> 00:09:14,583
This bull going on 'round here.
270
00:09:14,667 --> 00:09:17,083
>> so, follow up,
Why are you idiots
271
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:20,167
Wasting everybody's time
When you can't even be elected?
272
00:09:20,250 --> 00:09:21,167
Boosh!
273
00:09:21,250 --> 00:09:22,167
>> god!
274
00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:23,167
>> damn it!
275
00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:24,167
>> huh?
276
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:25,333
>> I forgot bullets.
277
00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:26,417
>> is that your vagina?
278
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:27,417
>> my vagina.
279
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:28,458
>> huh?
280
00:09:28,542 --> 00:09:29,458
>> no.
281
00:09:29,542 --> 00:09:31,542
>> this is yet another outrage!
282
00:09:31,625 --> 00:09:32,750
>> oh, don't be outraged.
283
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,750
You're not going home
Empty-handed.
284
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:36,750
Randy, tell 'em what
They've won.
285
00:09:36,833 --> 00:09:38,125
>> whoo-hoo!
286
00:09:38,208 --> 00:09:39,750
>> hawk, the candidates willreceive their choice of two
287
00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:42,500
haggar separates, whether it'sthe cool 18 cam shirt,
288
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:45,167
the no iron, mercerized polo,work to weekend khakis,
289
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,167
or essential comfortdress pants,
290
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,167
haggar has 'em covered.
291
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,167
>> thanks, ran--
>> haggar!
292
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,167
>> okay!
293
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,250
>> making things right.
294
00:09:52,333 --> 00:09:54,250
>> ( sighs )
You know...
295
00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:59,625
>> ( breathing heavily )
>> hey.
296
00:09:59,708 --> 00:10:04,042
You don't look like a guy
Who just got some free slack--
297
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:11,125
[ thud ]
>> ( sighs )
298
00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:14,125
[ thud ]
Ahem.
299
00:10:14,208 --> 00:10:16,125
>> and they're good-looking
Slacks.
300
00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:17,125
>> ahem.
301
00:10:17,208 --> 00:10:18,958
>> and those are, uh..
302
00:10:19,042 --> 00:10:20,625
Are they stain resistant?
303
00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:22,083
>> well, I certainly hope so.
304
00:10:22,167 --> 00:10:27,042
>> yeah? Why's that?
305
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:31,125
>> because my bird is dead,
And now I really shall
306
00:10:31,208 --> 00:10:34,083
Destroy this vile planet!
20529
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